Tag Archives: dreams

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Facade

I awoke at 4am. I don’t remember my dreams but I do remember “thinking” from within a dream-like state. I was remembering and replaying in my mind a memory from a long time ago.

It was the day our senior class voted on various items prior to graduation. All 33 of us gathered in a small classroom and Mr. F stood in front of the class and began explaining all the slots that needed to be voted upon. First up was the “Most likely to Succeed” category for one male and one female senior. Every year these spots went to the class Valedictorian and Salutatorian if they were male and female. I expected to be nominated when my name was called. I did not expect for someone to nominate my best friend who was 4th in rank. I also did not expect her to accept the nomination.

I remember a classmate of mine looking my way and raising her eyebrows. She knew what was going on. Everyone did. The person who had nominated my best friend was a girl who had hated me ever since middle school when I had called her out in front of the entire class for attempting to cheat off my Algebra test. Unfortunately for me, she was a very popular girl. Not only was she beautiful (flawless good looks) but she was also a cheerleader and the leader of the “popular” girl group. All the boys drooled over her but most girls secretly hated her. I was one of the few to voice my disapproval of her. This was common for me. I rarely kept my opinions to myself. Unfortunately for me, this created in her a huge enemy and she often badmouthed me to others.

When my best friend agreed to the nomination, I knew she would win. Everyone liked my best friend. Few really liked me. In fact, I had no other close friends. My heart sunk a little because I was certain this meant a humiliation was coming for me. I thought about withdrawing but I had hope that my best friend would withdraw her nomination at the last minute. I held my breath as we were sent outside during the vote.

As we waited outside, I looked at my best friend who smiled at me. I asked her why she accepted the nomination. She said, “Why wouldn’t I?” I was surprised by her candor and lack of consideration of my emotions. This was unlike her. I told her, “You know you will win”. She just smiled and said, “We’ll see”.

When we went inside, I already knew the outcome. The popular group, led by the girl who had hated me since middle school, clapped loudly and congratulated my best friend. I sat down without looking in their direction and quietly looked toward the front of the room. The girl who had looked at me with suspicion earlier told me, “I tried to get them to vote for you, but she kept arguing against it. I’m sorry. You deserved it”. She put her hand on my shoulder to offer me her sympathy. I also felt the eyes of several others looking in my direction. I fought back tears as I looked past the girl and ignored the looks of everyone else. I knew if I looked that I would cry and I could not let them see that and win.

We continued to vote, but it was all a blur to me for the most part. I numbly participated and continued to get comments from the girl next to me about how unfairly I was treated. I wanted to crumple into a heap on the floor, but I stood my ground and held it all in. I really, really hated that girl!

When it came time for the class moto, no one had any ideas. I was wearing a t-shirt that day with a cartoon of a fish being hooked by a fishing pole. It said, “So far, so good” on it. The girl who hated me since middle school pointed at my shirt and said to everyone, “How about what her shirt says?” Of course, everyone loved the idea and it instantly became the class moto. I was a bit surprised by this. Why would that nasty girl do that? Was she trying to look good to everyone else because she knew people were thinking she potentially swayed the earlier vote? Did she feel guilty or was she just caring about how she looked? Most likely the latter.

When we were finished, I left the room and waited for my best friend outside of it. I asked her why she accepted the nomination, explaining the girl was obviously trying to create a conflict between us. She seemed surprised and a bit condescending when she responded, “Why wouldn’t I? Did you think I would step down? They thought I deserved it.” I got a bit upset with her and said, “It was supposed to go to me and you know it” and walked away without giving her a chance to respond. I noticed that one of the girls she had been hanging out with approached as I was leaving.

That was in the spring prior to graduation. I had noticed a gradual distancing from me that started after the Christmas holiday. At first it was not too noticeable but eventually it became obvious. She began to call me less and less frequently. When I inquired about it she would tell me that she did something with a girl who was a grade level below us. This girl was known to smoke pot and drink. When I inquired why we were not hanging out as much she said, “I want to meet new people”. I remember thinking that she was being nice but really just didn’t want to be my friend. I pushed the thought away and did not allow myself to angry. I decided I would just hang out with other people, too. So I started working more and spending more time with my coworkers who were also students.

What was most upsetting was that we had chosen the same school to go to. I should have changed schools the minute she began to avoid conversations about going to school together. I didn’t even attempt to room with her. Through the summer we still hung out, but she was hot and cold about our friendship, as if she wasn’t yet sure if she wanted to still be friends. Once school started, I bumped into her during registration and she completely gave me the cold shoulder and acted like she didn’t even know me. I remember feeling like a complete fool. I finally got the message that I was on my own for my first year of college. A few times we saw each other on campus. She told me she was sorry and continued to explain her actions away as being related to her trying to “find herself”. She hung out with people totally different from me, so it really didn’t matter by then. Plus, she continued to hang out with people who did drugs and a few times told me of her one-night-stands. I was not into that kind of thing.

When I awoke, I entered a moment of intense grieving over the memory. I have often wondered what happened. She has apologized to me several times, saying she was “confused” and that the divorce of her parents put her into a tailspin. I accepted this as I really just wanted my friend back, but I knew I would never fully trust her again.

As I thought about this, I recalled her once telling me why she continued to be friends with a girl who was horribly self-centered and treated others as objects. She told me, “I feel sorry for her”. That statement has long stayed with me, but I never knew why.

Then I wondered, perhaps she was friends with me because she felt sorry for me? I was always very blunt and opinionated growing up. I did not like it when people blindly followed others and felt I had to point out to them the fault in that. It often isolated me from others and by high school I had no true friends of my own.

Perhaps she felt she could help me, too? She often described herself as a “giver” and one time told me that she attracted “takers” into her life. I, of course, assumed I must be a “taker” since we were friends. All of a sudden, I recognized this to be totally untrue about myself. I gave so much to her. I loved her like family and would have done anything for her. The fact is, that she was as much a taker as a giver and that, at some point, I did not give her enough to satisfy her.

I became suddenly very angry at her. I began to cuss her out in my mind and eventually the emotional hurt dissipated. The anger did not last, though, as I remembered that we were both playing our pre-determined roles. I distanced myself from that role and looked upon our friendship as an observer would. A peace fell over me as I successfully disconnected from the memory.

I saw why I was the way I was in high school. I recognized that I am still much like that young girl. I still separate myself from groups. I still bluntly point out or criticize others who do not fit my own ideals. I continue to not have many friends. I continue to travel my own path, often very alone and isolated from others. I seem to just not fit in and the more that this occurs, the more I resent those who do. This further isolates me from others as it keeps me from finding any connections with them. I always assume they will not like me, so they don’t. I justify my continued self-imposed isolation by pointing out the failures and shortfalls of others. This cycle is a continued cycle of self-suppression. I do not like it.

Then I think about my friend and how her chosen role was “giver”. She sought to help others who she perceived needed her help. At the time, I was “loner” yet I wanted desperately to not be, so I opted to try on the role of “follower” while also retaining my “loner” facade. We fit each others purpose, so we became friends. I followed her and did so quite well, becoming completely blind to many things about her. She fed my ego in many ways, as I did hers. She allowed me to continue to be the “loner”, sharing it with me, or so that is what I allowed myself to see. In reality, she was my friend but she had many other friends who merely tolerated my presence because of her. I wonder how many people asked her, “Why are you friends with her?” I know she told me she was once asked that about me. I wonder if she told them, “Because I feel sorry for her”? I suspect she did respond this way, as most of her friends tolerated my presence until she opted to unfriend me during our senior year.

In recalling all this, I became angry at myself for not being true to who I was. I recognized the fear that held me captive. To confront my only friend would surely alienate me from her forever. It far was easier to forgive her than to confront everything I can see so clearly now. I imagined telling her off. I imagined how life would have been had I not allowed myself to be treated that way. And I recognized how much I needed her. I do not think I would have survived my high school experience without her assistance, even though I was blind throughout much of it. I needed to be ignorant of the truth. I could not have handled it and may have spiraled into a very deep depression.

Then I thought about her life since we graduated high school. How she chose the path of drug use and wanton sex with strangers. How she ended up married to an alcoholic and porn addict. How she felt forced into having an abortion because he didn’t want a baby and she couldn’t confront the idea of bringing a baby into a world without a father. How she cheated on him and then divorced him to marry the man she cheated with. Then, when she was finally happy, she got cancer and had to confront the possibility of death. For a moment I was in awe of her. I began to compare myself to her, thinking I must be a coward. Then my guide reminded me, “You have already done all of that”. I knew he was right. I just chose to do those things over entire lifetimes while she bunched them up all into one. We were different, that is all. There is nothing good or bad about the ways we chose to live. It is the choices and the lessons we learn that matter.

Life Facades

In the book I am reading there is much discussion about facades, or masks we wear in life. These are all aspects of us that, if allowed to have too much control, can run amok and cause us all kinds of problems. These facades are many, but most of us has a major one we struggle with for many lifetimes. This main facade breaks into smaller ones as we try to compensate for it when it runs amok. I was able to quickly see my role as “loner” in this life as one of these offshoot facades. I instantly recognized my attempt to compensate for my main role which had run amok on me life after life: leader.

I was able to see after that the many offshoot facades that developed as I tried to control my power monger facade. In truth, my main facade is leader, but unfortunately, the leader is not always a good one. My leader has three offshoots that I have been able to identify thus far – the teacher, the power monger and the masochist. Each of these offshoots has smaller facades that were created to help play them out. For example, the teacher facade came out in my lives as a philosopher, teacher and psychic. It is currently still trying to come through, as it will always do. In past lives I have run into the negative side of this facade, the power monger, so many times and suffered horrible results that I have sworn to never let that side of me prevail again. This has led me to explore other facades that help me suppress the power monger. The masochist is among the most explored of these facades. I have been a nun, a victim, a follower and a loner all in order to try to avoid the power monger aspect of the leader.

In taking on the many facades I have in multiple lives I have run into major fear of myself. It is sad, really, that I so fear the potential of my power monger aspect. Yet, I completely understand it. I have recalled past lives where I have allowed the power monger to wreak havoc. For example, I had a past life from another planet where I led a large group of colonists to a planet I knew was about to be destroyed. I did this to make money with full knowledge of what I was doing. I dropped off hundreds of hopeful families and left them to die, which they did, and continued on without much thought other than to the amount of profit I made. This was way before my time on Earth. Yet this facade followed me to Earth, the fear of it causing me to embrace other facades like teacher and police officer, which allowed my leader to shine without giving the power monger the fuel it needed to do harm.

As long as I can remember, I have feared my potential for destruction yet at the same time longed for positions of power and prestige. I came into this life bossing people around and taking little interest in anything but myself. As I grew older and my conscience kicked in, I began to associate this negative aspect of my personality with the hurt it caused others and myself. It is as if I remembered my past lives without knowing it. Only now, as I delve deeper into myself, do I see the true extent of the destruction I have caused along my life path. It is no surprise to me that I seek to help and bring out the positive attributes of my leader self while suppressing the power monger.

The loner aspect I currently implore, serves to disassociate me from groups which in the past have been a springboard for the power monger facade. It also helps me introvert more, therefore asking questions of myself that I need to ask in order to grow. At the same time, the teacher aspect of myself came out and, though I resisted it at first, became a positive outlet for my leader self. In addition, I opened up to my spiritual ability which enhanced my teacher self while also enticing my power monger. Thankfully, it was not my intent in this life to push the limits of my leader because I do not believe I am yet strong enough to overcome the negative aspect of it.

Edit: Happy birthday, Daddy. I’ve missed you.

by

Recognizing Myself

I slept very deeply last night but had several very vivid dreams.

Pregnant White Kitty

I entered an apartment. It was very obviously the apartment of a bachelor. I knew the man who lived there and was visiting him in secret. He had dark hair and was very laid back. He reminded me of a young Johnny Depp, so very good looking with a sexual draw about him. I do not remember all that we talked about but I recall being very concerned about the time and day and my children. I kept thinking about when I had to get them from the sitter and school and about an overnight trip I had to take on Thursday.

I left the apartment for a moment and retrieved my children. Rather than go all the way home and get them, I seemed to just go outside and there they were and then they came inside with me. When we got inside the man was gone and the apartment was quiet. I was not sure where he was and I did not know how my daughter got inside. I asked her and she said she crawled through a window. I scolded her for this, saying it was not good to break into a place, when she pointed to a wallet sitting on the counter. That immediately told me he was still present. I heard water running and saw his bedroom door was closed. He came out, dressed and clean, and smiled at us all. He seemed a bit preoccupied, though. I felt uncomfortable and knew that once I left we would not see each other again. He was sitting on the sofa and I went up to him and hugged him tightly, knowing I had had an affair with this man and was unfaithful to my husband. My stomach sunk with the realization.

My mom then came into the apartment with luggage and rolled it to a stop at my feet. She said I was all packed and ready for my trip. I looked at the tan, over sized bag on roller and then up at her. I have no memory of her face just that she was “mom”. I also knew she knew I had been cheating on my husband. She did not talk about it and seemed to accept it and was helping me go on this trip despite knowing what she knew. I took the bag and she said I needed to get ready for the trip the next day. I thought about it and knew I was going to “school” and there was a feeling with it that it was necessary.

As I prepared to leave, a woman came running into the apartment yelling my name. She told me to come outside. I went outside and stood on the top of the stairs looking down at the bushes and a bunch of people gathering. She said, “You need to help”. When I hesitated she said, “You are a midwife, aren’t you!? This is what you do!”

I looked in the bushes and saw a scared, white cat looking out at me with beady, yellowish eyes. She was being attacked by other cats and there was a lot of screeching and noise. I went down to where the cat was and a woman pushed all the other cats away and covered the white cat with a small, white box. She put a sheet of cloth over the top and peeked inside. She asked me to look and all I saw was a gaping, open wound about five inches long and full of dirt and debris. The cat hissed and growled and I pulled back. The woman said that the other cats attacked her while she was giving birth and took her first kitten. It had been born dead – its brain and heart not working. I imagined the cats fighting over and tearing apart the tiny kitten and shuddered.

At that time the cat had a contraction and I watched as her whole body clenched and blood began to ooze out of the gaping wound. It was very graphic and quite disturbing. Then the cat suddenly jumped out and escaped the security of our company and ran away. I watched the tiny cat and said, “She is so tiny! There is no way she can have kittens being that small!” The woman asked if there was anything that could be done to save the cat and kittens. I determined that it would be better to put the cat down and end her misery. The kittens were likely dead already and the cat was already near death. I remember saying, “You might as well put her down. There is nothing that can be done”.

Class in the Dark

I awoke after the dream. It was 6a.m. and it was my first waking, which is odd for me. I snuggled back into bed, thinking about my dream and thinking, “I am dying inside”. I felt alarm at the thought but pushed it aside, wanting to return to sleep quickly.

I found myself sitting at a table with a bunch of young people. They appeared to be teenagers but it was hard to tell as the lights were dimmed. I sensed I was in an auditorium or similar. A teacher was asking us to introduce ourselves to everyone by telling our purpose/main interest in life. She explained that we must use something from our mouths and I saw her pull something out of her mouth, but I do not know what it was. I was confused, thinking that I had nothing from my mouth that I could use to describe myself and my purpose to the group. I panicked as everyone began sharing. Person after person shared and as they did it got closer to my turn. All I could do was think about my recent dream and the white cat, but it didn’t come from my mouth! I thought to myself about what I would say, preparing for my turn. I would tell them about my dream and explain that dreams like this were common for me and often prepared me for my future. It did not make sense to me that sharing this would describe my purpose but I decided it would have to do. At this time I recognized that others were not sharing things via their mouths (I had thought that it meant an object from mouth). I felt some relief at this but knew what I said would be unique to the group.

As I waited my turn I looked at the table across from me. It was dark and I could barely make out the people sitting there. But something odd was in the air above their heads. Perched on seemingly invisible lines were two, perfectly tiny hummingbirds.

Birds-of-BC-No-32-Two-Rufous-Hummingbirds-Selasphorus-rufusRecognizing Myself

The dream stopped for a while and I do not recall what occurred during this time, but suddenly I was very aware of being within the scene I had just been a part of. My awareness was hovering midair and looking at auditorium seating. There were faces upon faces of people but all of the faces were dark and blurred, as if I was looking at them from some distance. In the middle of the sea of faces I saw a very handsome young man. His face was illuminated and he was seated next to a woman. I could not see her face but his light did illuminate her enough for me to know it was a woman. I took in a deep breath as I realized who this young man was. This dark haired, beautiful man with perfect features and skin, was me! I exclaimed, “That is me! I look so young! I couldn’t be more than 17!” I was with someone who was hovering next to me but I could not see him. I knew, however, that it was my guide and we were visiting a past me or perhaps a me from another existence parallel to my own current one. I felt huge accomplishment at seeing this version of me, as if I was very proud to have been this young man. He was extremely attractive, but most of all, he appeared so innocent and pure.

Considerations

When I finally awoke from all this dram activity, I felt better than I thought I would feel. All these dreams were quite upsetting, yet the feeling I had was hopeful, as if something had been resolved. Perhaps the last vivid scene did that?

The cat dream was the most concerning. First of all, it continued a theme of dreams I have been having for some time where I am cheating or have cheated on my husband. The sinking feeling in my stomach was felt in my physical body and almost woke me. The continued concern about my children and their schedule seemed to be my conscious self breaking through into the dream. The symbolism of going on a trip is that new aspects of one’s self are being explored. The fact that this trip is to a school suggests that the trip will be full of lessons.

The white cat symbolizes difficulties in life. Since it is dying, it could be that I am about to surpass these difficulties. The fact that I determined its fate suggests that I made a decision of some sort about these difficulties. The kittens could be representative of multiple difficulties stemming from the main one, the mother. The fact that they are dead or are assumed already dead suggests that these potential difficulties are being avoided by my actions. So, even though the entire scene was horrifying, the symbolism behind it suggest progress is being made.

The dream of being in class was perhaps the most profound of the dreams because I was so caught up in trying to determine my purpose and worried that others would reject it because it was so different from the norm. All I could think about was the dream of the white cat. I was also consumed with trying to figure out how to pull something solid from my mouth. I believe this was actually me trying to integrate the idea that words have strong manifestation power. When I finally accepted that I would use the story and explain it, I saw two hummingbirds perched in the dark and out of place. Hummingbirds symbolize the huge potential and power of seemingly small ideas and concepts.

The last dream seemed more like a vision than a dream. It was so different than the other dreams and had such a powerful impact upon me. I was certain that the young man was me and happy about it as well. Was this a past, present or future me? I do not know. I wish that I knew the story behind it. I recall feeling as if this me was connected to a life where infidelity was a huge problem.

by

Chicken

I have been reading a book called The Other Side of God: The Eleven Gem Odyssey of Being by Susan Kailor. I have struggling to read it for some reason and though I do feel more optimistic after reading a chapter, I never really want to read another one. Perhaps there is something I am reading I do not like?

I know lately I have not liked the idea of forever; being a infinite being with infinite possibilities. I have never really liked the idea. There is too much unknown about it. I have no idea what one would do for forever. All I know is what I have remembered and that is that I have lived life after life, seemingly trapped in Earth and other world experiences. Although I have remembered some of my between life experiences, it is so limited and seems to support the idea that each of us ends up repeating the cycle of life over and over again. I am told by my guides that I do this “to learn” but something about that answer does not sit well with me. What if I am tired of learning? What if I don’t want to be infinite or forever? What do I do if I want the endless cycle of life to stop? What if I completely refuse to come back after this life – what would they do? Drag me kicking and screaming to my next body?

From what I have read, there is no forcing anyone into a body or a lifetime of bodies. This is done by choice. And from recent books I have read, I am beginning to think that the reason we go back into life is more of a feeling of being incomplete. We are “incomplete” because we chose to forget in order to experience ourselves through a specific experience or experiences. The current book I am reading supports this notion also while at the same time implying that we can change this process simply by dropping the current “masks” we wear that support a “theme” we have carried with us lifetime after lifetime. Freedom also comes by throwing off the illusion of right or wrong. This I have already recognized as truth, but have not fully integrated.

All of this is overwhelming. I am just now realizing that I am feeling overwhelmed, though. I did not recognize this on Monday when I first got the idea that I do not want the experiences I have been having anymore. I also thought that I do not want to post any of my OBEs, dreams or such on FB or in my FB groups. In fact, I feel like just ignoring FB altogether for a while. I found myself feeling like an outcast in the groups I am a part of. I feel so different and so invalidated by the fact that I am so different. I just don’t think anyone anywhere understands me and it upsets me that I cannot communicate what is going on within me to anyone, even myself. There is such a strong disconnect between my Earth Self and my Higher Self right now and I sense that even more than ever. It is as if my Earth Self is so afraid to expand that she is shrinking back from her Higher Self. If this continues, then I know that the cycle I want so badly to free myself from, will continue. As this feeling increases, I want even more badly to hide and withdraw.

Chicken

All these realization came out in my dreams last night. I had one vivid dream where I was visiting my Mom and found her inside a chicken pen inside a bathtub. She had diverted all the water to her bath and was happily lounging in the tub. I do not recall seeing her, just knowing she was there in the tub. I spoke with her briefly about her chickens. I saw them outside the fence, trapped, and not able to get back inside. She flipped a switch and water was released to the chickens who happily drank from it, leaving their pacing at the fence.

I then noticed there were chicken eggs all around the chicken coup. There was also a small brown hen trying to gather up the eggs under her but unable to do so. I mentioned this to my mom and went about picking up the eggs. I began to worry they had gone bad, though, or at the very least had been partially incubated. So I threw one egg on the ground to check it. The yolk was gray and I sensed it was rotten. Usually the chickens eat a broken egg, but the chickens ignored it. I looked closer and saw that it had indeed been partially incubated. I could see the tiny embryo and the blood vessels to it.

chicken eggInterpretation and Symbolism

To see a chicken in a dream suggests cowardliness and/or a lack of willpower. It can represent being a “chicken” or chickening out of a situation. Considering my feelings about life lately, this makes perfect since. I so want to give up and retreat!

The eggs in my dream suggest that I am contemplating a situation in which there is possibility for achievement and making progress towards my goals. Usually a nest of eggs means financial gain but I saw the eggs scattered and more lined up than in a pile. This could mean that I do not recognize the financial gain as important or am not able to see the possibility of it. I gathered the eggs, which indicates I am open to the idea of progress and want to embrace my creative potential, but cracking the egg and seeing it rotten indicates that I do not feel able or worthy. In fact, a broken egg suggests one is “walking on eggshells” or feel fragile or vulnerable. Seeing the newly formed baby chick could have been me recognizing potential for creativity and how I am feeling uncertain about my own ability and creative potential.

Then there is the fence and the chickens being trapped on the other side. This I recognized immediately as my own feelings of being “trapped”. The chickens went toward the water which could mean that I need to explore my emotions in order to escape the trapped feeling.

Grocery Store

I had another dream where I was visiting a huge grocery store similar to Sam’s Club. I had a basket but it was small and I spent the majority of the dream seeking out a larger basket, one that could carry more food and accommodate my children. I kept encountering more baskets, but they were all very small and not appropriate for my needs. I recall passing by a large, cooked pot roast and saw it cut and fall apart in front of me. It was very appealing and I wanted it. I recall thinking I would come back and get it once I got the right sized basket. The image of it was so vivid that I could almost smell it! I then walked toward the front of the store and passed by this man. He was large and burly, his face and body very hairy. I remember he was intently watching me and walked past him, ignoring him. Then I went to the front and saw an employee in red moving a bunch of carts. I thought he would have a large one, but he only showed me more of the same size carts. I inquired about the larger carts. He pointed to one for a handicapped person. I shook my head and told him it was wrong. I finally took one of the carts and left, disappointed.

Interpretation and Symbolism

A grocery store or market symbolizes a lacking or some emotional or physical need in life. The items being shopped for indicate the areas of need. In this case, I was not shopping for store items but looking for the basket. This tells me that I feel ill prepared with the current resources at my disposal (the basket). Since my basket is empty and I do not fill it, it could represent that I feel I have no resources at my disposal. I feel I need more resources (bigger basket) in order to handle the emotional and/or physical needs I have in life. Specifically, I think of having to carrying my children and this feel like a burden without a larger basket. Perhaps I need more support?

Reflection

I can’t help but think “What is the point?” It is as if I am on a path, deep in the dark woods. I can barely see ahead of me and the road splits in several directions. The signs are broken and unreadable. I don’t know which way to go. In fact, I have forgotten altogether where I am going. So, I sit down and stare ahead of me at the different routes. I need guidance but there is no one there. I need a friend, but I have none. I probably should just pick a road, because part of me tells me they all lead to the same place, but I am tired of this journey. I silently pray that an aircraft comes to pick me up and take me away.

My dreams reflect perfectly how I was feeling last night. I almost felt on the verge of insanity, but I had no idea why. I even asked my guide if I were going crazy and he laughed and said, “No, not this life”. Then I began thinking and saying to him, “I don’t want to know anymore” and felt very unsettled, as if all of this experience were too unreal and knowing it was all an illusion. I stared at things and thought, “It seems so real, but it is an illusion”. Part of me could not accept this at all. Part of me wants badly for it all to be real. Without the realness, what is there? What do I hold onto? That is the scariest thing to consider and I believe it is what is holding me back. How does one take the plunge into the unknown?

My guide is irritatingly optimistic right now. He laughs and smiles a lot. I want to swat him away like an irritating fly. I say to him, “You sure have a lot of faith in me” and he smirks saying, “You are doing well”. I suppose being pushed to my limits is a good thing in his eyes. At least I do get from him, “Be patient. Baby steps”. That tells me he understands and that my over-eagerness to overcome my own limitations is responsible for the very feelings I am having.

by

Rejecting Desire

The night before last, my guide asked me, “Why are you here?” I replied, “To help”. He then asked, “Who?” and I replied, “The Many”. He repeated his question. I thought about it and began to list off names. At first I was uncertain, but as I listed them I began to remember people from my past and included people from my present. They were not all family members, but this didn’t surprise me.

He then asked me if I believed helping people was only done though positive interactions with them. I thought about it. I recognized that the answer was, “No”. Again, I did not think about it too much but just accepted the answer as fact. I knew I had negative experiences and interactions with people in my life and it made sense that perhaps my “helping” them was through negative interactions.

New School

I fell asleep after the conversation and had an interesting dream. The dream began with me riding in a car along a very dark street in a city. I was not driving. It was raining and I remember feeling uncomfortable. I came to an intersection and saw a classmate of mine in her SUV waiting at the light. I looked and she was asleep. I remember yelling out, “Look at her! She’s asleep! Why isn’t she awake?”

My car continued through the intersection and I remember seeing a woman with dark brown hair. She took my hand and walked me up to a school. It had stopped raining but the sky was still overcast.

The school was very obviously an elementary school and it appeared to be an older one, perhaps built in the 1970s. She led me into the building and I looked down and saw golden colored carpeting. I looked around and saw dark wood trim and a very nice, clean space that was also painted a golden color. It appeared to be the cafeteria but it was divided into sections for the different grade levels. I noticed staff members standing around the edges and a speaker, the principal, at the front.

I leaned against one of the walls that separated the space as the principal spoke to the staff and students. I listened as he gave a history of the school but I do not remember it now. I was noting how few students there were. This was a small school! There were maybe 20 children in each of the sections and I noted three sections, two at the bottom and one at the top. They were seated at tables like in a cafeteria but they weren’t eating. The room was being used as an assembly room at that time.

A man passed by me and looked at me curiously. He was wearing cowboy boots and jeans and looked a lot like my mother’s husband, with long, brown and graying hair that was thinning on top. He smiled at me and I felt uncomfortable and briefly worried he was coming onto me. I did not want that and shrank back from him. I felt very out of place and uncomfortable.

The principal paused and then introduced the woman who walked me into the school. A little girl came up next to me to stand for a minute and asked me a question. I did not know how to answer her and was saved by the woman who came with me who told the girl to go sit down. She then walked up and began to speak.

I knew the woman who brought me was associated with a benefactor to the school and she mentioned his contribution to the school and also mentioned how very well adapted the school had become. This had saved them money in heating and cooling, she said. She then pointed me out to the group and introduced me as new staff at another school, calling me “Indy”. I smiled and thought to myself, “I like that name”. I looked down at a red folder in front of me and saw my name written on the top – but it was not my real name. It said, “Indiana”. I remember again liking the name, especially the nickname – Indy. When I read the last name I do not remember it fully but I swear it said, “Jones” as in “Indiana Jones”!

Interpretation

My interpretation of the dream is that I was being introduced to some individuals I would be “helping” and they belonged to a newer group of Souls than my own group. I was a “teacher” or similar to them. I may not be fully comfortable with this position, as indicated with my feeling uneasy and out of place.

The part where I remarked how an ex-classmate of mine was “asleep” at the wheel stood out very strongly in my dream. I believe this part of my dream was me recognizing how people often sleep through life, as if on automatic pilot. This particular classmate was one I really disliked in school and continue to not like. Perhaps I was recognizing that she was not aware of being this way.

The interesting part is where I am called by the name Indy and see the full name – Indiana Jones – written on a red folder. I like the name and seem to accept it. I remember very clearly, “I LIKE that name”. Even now, the name Indy is appealing to me for some reason! However, the name Indiana Jones is very much linked to the movies by that name. I use to love watching those movies! They were full of adventure, romance and mystery.

It was brought to my attention that perhaps I am about to embark on an adventure. The red folder may be symbolic of the root chakra or sexual energy and desire. Because my new name was written on the folder, could it be that this “new” adventure is linked to sexual desire?

Rejecting Desire

I did not mention it, but when I woke from this dream I was very uncomfortable with the part about the man looking at me. This is what stuck with me when I woke up and I became a bit panicked over it. Out of the blue I began to remember how it felt to desire someone, not just in a sexual way but be completely drawn to them. I pushed the memory away because it came with a feeling or knowing that I might be feeling this again. I think the fear came because I worry this person will not be my husband. I completely rejected the feeling/knowing because I do not want that to happen!

After spending time writing out the dream and looking at the symbolism behind it, I began to remember other dreams. These dreams I have written about in my blog before. In them I am either telling someone I cannot be with them because I am married and/or feeling huge amounts of guilt for cheating on my husband (which I have never done). My husband admits to having similar dreams.

Then it occurred to me that perhaps my Higher Self is trying to tell me something. Perhaps I am rejecting what I am being told because I do not want to confront it. And then I realized the dream and this adventure could be a warning of things to come.

When I considered the possibility I wondered if it was a warning. Upon realizing this was very likely, I asked, “When?” and heard “November”. All at one my stomach flip flopped and my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I couldn’t get the feeling in my heart to go away and even now I am struggling to control it. It is a beautiful, wonderful feeling! It makes it hard to breathe, in a good way. It isn’t at all sexual. It is like a part of me is overjoyed and exploding with love. Yet I reject the feeling because I shouldn’t be feeling it. And when I stop to try and get control of myself I get covered in psychic chills and goose bumps which only makes it that much harder to reject the feeling.

And what does it all mean to me? What is the truth? That something is about to happen and I need to be ready to handle it? A part of me worries I will meet a man. I don’t want to meet anyone! Yet the feeling I get says to me that it is good, wonderful, amazingly fantastic. If you could feel the explosion in my heart right now you would understand.

I don’t want any upheaval in my life or my children’s lives. I want stability. I do not want to upset the balance. I do not want my family to go through divorce or separation or anything of the sort.

I am hoping that I am overreacting. That all of this is just a clearing of my chakras and something at a subconscious level was released. We’ll see I guess.

After Calming Down

All this overwhelming emotion and energy happened yesterday. It has not since returned, though I miss the wonderful feeling and do want it back. I have had many conversations with my guide since then. I recognize that I have a choice and that my Ego is overreacting, as is the norm. I also recognize that I created this, even though I have no obvious conscious memory of it.

I have been asking for help and healing. My second chakra has been blocked for some time. With it comes repressed emotion, lack of sexual desire and overall numbness in life. My heart chakra has also been blocked, though only partially. With the second chakra blocked, the energy balance of my other chakras has been suffering, resulting in overall numbness. I have been sleeping heavily to compensate and having intensely vivid dreams.

I made it very clear to my guide that I did not want to meet anyone or have any crazy, sexual attractions to anyone but my husband. While doing so, I realize it is totally up to me and that I was being made aware of what I was creating prior to its manifestation. Usually I am against knowing things in advance, but I am very relieve to have seen this before it materialized. I can avoid a major disaster.

It did occur to me that maybe nothing of the such is being manifested, that instead I am finally making progress in clearing the blockages. The amazing feeling I experienced was just that – a clearing out of the chakras that have been blocked. The feeling I had was very similar to kundalini energy when it rises. It is better than any drug. It is marvelous! If I could, I would lose myself in the feeling and keep it forever.

I hope beyond hope that the latter explanation is the winner and that my initial reaction is wrong. We so easily manifest, often without knowing it. I do miss feeling those wonderful feelings I felt yesterday, but it is not worth it to me to sacrifice everything I have built for that feeling.

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Mile Markers

There is something going on with me – it is just a feeling I get. Along with the signs I have been receiving both from my guides and from my dreams, the feeling has been intensifying. I cannot describe the feeling because it is subtle, seeming to be buried very deeply within my subconscious. I believe it is a Knowingness that is slowly rising to the surface and as it does, it begins to break through into my consciousness as odd, new feelings and intuitions. That is the best way to describe it and I believe it to be accurate because I can actually visualize the process!

Mile Markers

I began to take notice of the “shift” in my own energy and perception two days ago. I had just noticed that I had 12 in Spirit assisting me. This always means something significant has happened. I had 12 when my daughter was born. I had 12 when I reached my 36th year. I had 12 when I met my husband. So far, their presence has not indicated anything negative. What is odd, though, is that knowing they are near causes me to become nervous and I don’t know why. I have decided, though, that the 12 are present because significant milestones in my life have been reached.

It is like running a long race or marathon. Imagine that your life is a long road and along the road are mile markers. Each mile marker has significance, similar to how they do in a race. When you reach them, you know you have made it and this uplifts you because you have achieved part of your goal. You had set out to reach mile maker 5 and you did – time for a silent celebration as you continue upon your path. As you progress and reach mile marker, after mile marker, you become tired and struggle to keep going. The only thing that keeps you going is that you can see the next mile marker and that you are getting close to the end. So, by mile 20, you are tired, weary and wanting to stop for a rest, but you know if you stop you are likely to struggle to start running again. You are so tired you can feel it in your bones. Then, along the sidelines you hear cheering and see crowds of people lined up giving encouragement, saying, “You can do it! You’re almost there! Don’t give up!” You listen. You dig deep and find energy that you didn’t know you had and you keep going. Then you see the mile marker and know you have achieved yet another goal. But there are more. Not many, but more.

I don’t know exactly what mile marker I am on, but I accept that I must have reached one recently.

Three

Two nights ago I awoke earlier than I wanted to. Again. I managed to fall asleep and had odd dreams. Though I can’t remember the dreams completely, I do remember that there was a theme: three. I recall briefly a confusion because in one dream there were three of me all together and identical. There were more dreams like this with three of one thing. When I awoke I knew only that 3 was significant.

I was going to write about it after it happened but did not feel inspired to. But the number followed me and I began to think of its significance. Mainly I knew that it represented the Holy trinity – body, mind and spirit. This felt right and I wondered about it.

I began to wonder about the angel number meaning, specifically of 333. This angel number is a message that one’s guides are close and helping at this time. This felt correct to me as well. This number is also representative of spiritual gifts and reminds us that we have a higher purpose to fulfill using those gifts.

Killing Babies

Not only did I have the dream of the number 3, but I also had a disturbing dream. I did not remember the dream until last night, but it occurred the same night as the dream about 3’s. In this particular dream the specifics are lost to me but I distinctly remember recalling that in past lives I have killed babies – my own and others’. I have had a past life recollection of getting an abortion but this was not the only time I did such a thing. When I try to recall the dream and these acts specifically I feel such sadness that I cannot find the memories in detail. However, the feel of the emotion is so full of guilt and shame that I know what I have done in past lives is despicable. I do recall briefly in a dream that I murdered my own child after his/her birth when he/she was quite a bit older than newborn. I do not remember exactly what I did but it affected the baby’s organs, because in the dream I recall destroying the middle of the child. I believe I either drowned him/her or smothered him/her.

In considering the dream now, I believe I should not focus so much on whether I did these things in a past life, but more on the symbolism. To kill a baby in a dream symbolizes the ending of something that you once were a part of. What am I killing or considering killing off in my life? Because I specifically pinpointed the center of the baby in my dream, it could be that I am killing off a piece of my heart. It is sad, but I believe I can relate to this.

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Hover Car

I am getting a bit tired of not being tired. 🙂 Again I awoke at 6am when I could have slept another two hours! It is funny how just a year ago I was struggling with horrible insomnia and begging to just be able to sleep through the night and now I am not tired, not caring if I sleep and waking up after a full 7-8 hours wide awake. Perhaps it is the ascension process or maybe the result of letting go of negative life patterns and habits that were causing me stress. Likely a bit of both.

Hovercraft

I was able to return to sleep briefly this morning and as a result I had a very interesting dream. I want to share some of it and my thoughts because it feels significant to me.

In the dream I was with my ex-husband but he shifted between my ex and my current husband. One minute it would be my ex I was talking to and the next it would be my current husband. I spoke to them as if they were the same person, though, which is confusing but did not confuse me at all in the dream.

In my mind, the main person I was interacting with and speaking to was my ex. I remember discussing with him and another male figure our relationship and how he was my “best friend”. I thought about how well we communicated and how simple our relationship was. My ex was not the brightest but he was very loving, thoughtful and sensitive – much more sensitive than I was. He cared about how I felt and if I was sad, depressed or otherwise he went to great lengths to try to make me happy. Our conversations were simple and fun loving – no serious stuff usually. We talked about practical things, usually music, nature, hunting, fishing, camping, the outdoors and my husband’s crazy, exciting job. I listened better back then, I think.

Anyway, in the dream, I was flying in a hover car with my ex husband and I remember seeing the color silver. We moved swiftly and I could see the destination in front of us. Now, when I try to remember where we were going, I can’t and the destination in my memory is merely a horizon painted with pastel colors in an arc surrounding a final point of white light. The feeling was of loneliness and hope mixed with a bit of regret. It is hard to describe.

Considerations

When I awoke, I immediately wondered if my ex is someone much closer to me on the Other Side than I previously thought. The feelings I brought back from the dream were that we were very close and the memories that flooded into my mind of our time together as husband and wife were acutely different than the memories I am currently creating in my present relationship. The differences between the two relationships stood out stark in comparison to one another – black and white in so many ways.

I began to regret that I had met my ex when I did. I lived in so much fear and was so young. I did not know who I was and struggled to define myself, caught up in what I thought I was suppose to be and do based upon what others in my life wanted. I was not yet to the point where I firmly understood what I wanted and where I wanted to go in life. Unfortunately for my ex, I began to see these things and make decisions about what I wanted and it did not go along with our relationship. We grew apart, but I can fully take the blame for it.

I was able to “see” that my ex and I were best friends above all else. We could talk about anything and we understood each other. Even when we split, there was no animosity or anger. We knew it was a necessary evil. We knew it was time to move on. It hurt him more than me, but I think that was his lesson. And now that I have matured and can fully understand, there is a sadness for all that could have been had I not been the person I was back then. He chose to be the way he was this life, as I did, and I have a feeling in future lives we may choose to be close again but maybe not as distant physically.

This is not to say that my ex is more significant to me than my current husband – that is not true at all. I did not have the connection to him that I had the instant I met my current husband. I often wonder about that “love at first sight” reaction I had when I looked in his eyes. Is that simply a trigger implanted there by myself to get me to take a significant path in my life? Or is it “real” and connected to a bond that between us that spans many lives? I have read  (Michael Newton’s Life Between Lives) that triggers are rehearsed by us prior to life and many times they are linked to the eyes so that when we meet someone who we have agreed to learn significant lessons with we “trigger” something inside ourselves. Usually it is a feeling or a knowingness. For me, the instant I saw my husband’s eyes I thought, “He is my angel”. I had also been warned by my guides that I would “meet someone” that day.

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Beyond Illusion

Last night I sensed, finally, that the energy is calming down. Whatever has been going on energetically has been wreaking havoc on my emotional state and I am glad it is settling down. My guide continues to tell me, “It will pass” and, though I am tired of hearing such messages time and again, I know he is right. I just have to get through these hills of intensely turbulent energy in order to reach a valley and rest.

Message

As I recognized that the calm was finally returning, I let out a sigh of relief. At the same time, I wondered to myself, “What is going on?” As is typical of my guide, I got a response.

He showed me what appeared to be the energy of the Earth. It was jagged and looked a lot like lightening bolts of varying shades of color. The main colors I saw were red, green and blue but there were other colors like white and yellow that were less distinct.

Then I saw a vision of the level right above Earth blending and blurring with that of the Earth plane. I could see Spirit descending into the Earth plane and also some on the Earth place ascending to the level of Spirit. It was as if the two were experiencing an exchange, but neither stayed on the other side but was planted firmly in their world.

It reminded me of the vision I got years ago of myself standing in between two distinct worlds but not quite in one or the other. I stood in a mist that was gray and white and moving. On one side was Earth; our physical reality. On the other side was what I assumed was “heaven” or the “other side”. Now that I am older and understand more about the different planes that surround Earth, I know that the plane right above that of Earth is the astral plane.

After seeing these visions, which occurred in mere seconds, I understood without knowing exactly what it meant. I also knew that with this energy change I once again would leave my body more frequently. In fact, I suspected I would do so the next morning.

OBE

I could not fall asleep until close to midnight. That has been my pattern this month and it really has not been bothering me. In fact, I have not wanted to go to sleep. I don’t know why but I suspect it is because I do not want to confront something that will be happening in my sleep. Most likely healing which means confronting not so nice aspects of myself.

When I finally fell asleep I had dreams of fishing intermixed with dreams of sexual frustration. I won’t go into detail but in a nutshell the dreams were symbolic of my waking life. Ultimately, these dreams woke me up and I knew right away that I was working on my second chakra, trying to clear whatever was holding it so tightly closed. I knew that my feelings of overwhelm with my family was ultimately the perpetrator.

I fell back to sleep, dreaming that I visited my daughter at school where she was tutoring another child. I spoke with her teacher because my daughter was struggling to get her student to work and was doing his work for him. The teacher explained that was the way the program worked – everyone teaches someone else. I then lost my daughter as I tried to relay the message that part of her problem was she could not see well and might need glasses.

I left the room and then the school, watching the students pass by and noticing they were high school students. I sort of felt transported back to my middle school years because I was aware that I was walking outside of the very school I attended then. The students were very vivid and real as was the parking lot and the entire scene as I walked outside. Then, I suddenly thought, “How did I get here?”, but I did not remember. Then I thought to myself, “This is a dream!”

Upon realizing I was dreaming I became overjoyed and the scene brightened. I immediately dropped the pack of juice boxes I was carrying and launched myself up into the air. The day was bright and the sky blue and dotted with fluffy clouds. I soared upward very fast and thought to myself, “Uh oh, not so high!” Then I leveled out and looked down at a group of students. A young man was looking up and pointing at me. This occurred at the same time as a memory of a book I was reading where the author had recounted her own OBE and how she had to be careful of flying so as to not upset the other travelers. I recognized I was creating this very scene below me and allowed it to occur.

I reached down and took the hand of the young man as I said to him, “Come fly with me!” I pulled him up and he went soaring above me. I said to him, “Not so high!” as if to warn him not to go into outer space. I then let him carrying me along below him and I enjoyed the free feeling for a bit.

My thoughts got the better of me as I remembered, all at once, what I had been planning to do as soon as I got OBE. I began to request things all at once. “I want to be with the One” and “I want to Know” were among the requests. They all came out at once and then I began to sing them loudly and with great hope. I wanted to be reunited with the Source, to go beyond the illusion of life and the illusions I seemed so attached to.

As I sang I felt pulled upward again and the scene blacked out. I kept singing but instantly knew I would not go anywhere. I was pulled back into my body and gradually settled back in.

Beyond Illusion

The experience I had this morning did not seem very significant at first but now that I look back upon it, I feel it showed that I am opening up again to the adventure of creating while OOB. It is also promising to me that I did not find myself in the dark.

I have been reading a book called Doing Time on Earth: Unmasking the Hidden Mind Directing Our Lives. So far I have been fascinated by the book and it is one of the reasons I go to bed so late. There was one part of the book where the author discusses how she had a lucid dream in which she was trapped inside a cage made up of her own responsibilities. She saw how she was trapped inside this cage but was able to break free and rise above to experience peace and calm. She then returned to it and all the illusions of her life, recognizing each of them as restraining her in this life.

Reading the author’s experience made me think about my cage and how to break free. This is why I asked what I did while OOB. I likely went about it wrong and I am still trying to figure how to go about it, but I think I will get there eventually. I likely am not quite ready to get beyond my own illusions. Illusions can become comfortable and safe.

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Meditation: Remembering Your Dreams

Meditation with Purpose – Remembering Dreams

I have had people asking me about how to remember their dreams and have more restful sleep.  Because of this, I have decided to include another meditation for remembering dreams in this newsletter.

The following is a meditation technique that can be used to help you remember your dreams. The meditation can also be used to help you sleep.

Before you meditate to remember your dreams, make sure you are not waking to any kind of loud noise or alarm clock.  If this means you can only meditate on nights when you do not have to wake early for work, then that is okay.

Prepare for bed as usual.  Wear clothing that is comfortable and nonrestrictive. Lay in bed with your head propped up on a pillow or two with your legs stretched out straight in front of you.  Pull the covers up over you as if you were going to sleep. Fold your hands in your lap and close your eyes.

Let your body relax.  Starting with your feet, relax your body until you reach the top of your head.  Take deep breathes in and out as you do so and allow your mind to release all the stresses and thoughts from your day.

Visualize yourself standing in a dark room. It is completely dark. There is no light anywhere but you feel safe and calm.  There is a door in front of you.  You can barely make out the edges of the door but you can clearly see the doorknob.

You hear someone say to you, “This is the door to your subconscious. Anytime you want to remember your dreams all you have to do is open this door.”

The door swings open slowly and a brilliant white light floods through the small opening.  The door does not open all the way but just a few inches allowing you to only the see the brilliant white light and nothing else. It feels inviting and warm like the pillow your head is resting against. You feel your body relaxing all the more and you want badly to fall asleep.

You hear a voice reminding you to open the door.  “Open the door”. It repeats over and over again. “Open the door”.  “Open the door”. 

You reach out and open the door.  You see nothing but feel a powerful urge to fall asleep. You give into that urge.

This meditation is meant to help you fall asleep and help you to recover your dreams through visualization. To recover your dreams (if you do not remember them or only remember parts), simply meditate and visualize the door in front of you.  Slowly open the door and allow the dreams to reenter your consciousness.  Make sure that when you decide to remember your dreams that you are in a quiet place where your meditation will not be interrupted.

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I am Home

It seems I have entered into a new pattern of awareness. That is the only way I can explain it anyway.

It started with the blood moon the beginning of this month and continues to accelerate. The major change has been most noticeable in my sleep patterns. I am not tired when I go to bed, yet when I close my eyes I almost instantly drift off to sleep. Then when I sleep, I sleep very, very deeply and often do not remember my dreams. Then, occasionally I will have a night where I have dreams galore but then cannot remember the details upon waking. Other times there are dreams that come out vividly seemingly from nowhere.

The other change has occurred in my waking awareness. I first had more calm and then it shifted to noticing things, synchronicities and deja vu amongst other things. Amidst these, noticeable, but gradual changes in awareness.

I have not been writing about everything that happens because if I did I would end up with posts so long no one would have time to read them. Also, I have come to realize that sometimes the things that happen to me need to be digested over time before their true meaning and significance is realized.

Test

This morning when I awoke I recalled a very long, in-depth dream. This surprised me since that has not been happening much this month.

The dream was set inside of a moving, armored, all-terrain vehicle. I almost want to call it a military tank but hesitate since I was on the inside and the feeling was not that I was going to war or anything of the like. I was sitting with a man who I admired quite a bit. He was my superior and I recall pushing back a romantic thought towards him, almost like I was internally reminding myself that was not my purpose for being there. He had on a helmet and was discussing flying, referring to me and a flight I would be taking as a newly trained pilot. I was listening and donned my own helmet. It was green and made of metal and covered my entire head. in front was a clear panel that covered the entire front of my face.

I remember feeling anticipation and nervousness as I listened to him. I knew this was an important step for me and I did not want to fail. This “test” would determine whether or not I was ready to pilot my own craft (what kind I am not sure).

The color green was very prominent in the memory of this dream as was the color silver which was the color of the metal vehicle I was in.

Mental Facility

Instead of the dream ending with me preparing for flight it actually fast-forwarded to another destination. I found myself standing in a line at a very large building built to hold many people. It was silver in color and very tall, so tall I could barely make out the top. It was square and also had a military feeling to it.

As I waited in line I was with a familiar group of people and I knew they were traveling with me. We were being processed by this facility to receive mental treatment. At first I thought it was a mental hospital but that thought was immediately replaced with “mental” as a stand-alone title for this place.

As I waited I looked down and saw soft, green grass all about. It was vibrant and separated the steel posts that designated the lines for for entrance into the building. I noticed very large animal feces all about and recognized it to be deer feces. I mentioned it to the guy I was standing with who confirmed they belonged to deer that frequented the place. I responded, “Those must be some very big deer. I sure wouldn’t want to come into contact with one of them!”

At the entrance I was expected to present my I.D. and sorted through my purse to get it. At this time I remember opening my wallet and finding huge amounts of money wadded inside. I retrieved my driver’s license and stuffed the money back inside, worried the people behind me might be watching and then want my money. I also felt guilty of having so much for some reason.There was one guy who was suspicious. A criminal?

When I got through to the other side, a woman kept my I.D. and gave me paperwork to fill out. I had to list the types of food I liked, my weight and measurements of my body. I could not answer all the questions and asked if that was okay. It was.

Inside we were placed into a dormitory together. I was with various individuals of all ages and genders, some family groups, others singles. We were waiting together and I was concerned about when and what we would eat and also concerned about my baby. I asked for milk and was told they had limited amounts of it and that I would have to use powdered formula. I took it but worried I would run out. I remember looking around with a feeling of uncertainty at this time. Finally, though, a gallon of milk was located and I had plenty for my baby.

Inside the dorm I went about making food with what provisions I could find. It happened to be beans. I began cooking them and found there was not much. A woman beside me began opening ground turkey. I asked where she got it and she told me the pantry. I immediately went to look and found canned food and such and began looking for ingredients to make a stew. I found a can of chitlins and was told to look twice. Realizing the can contained pork intestines, I put them back. For some reason they had a Hawaiian name and a Hawaiian man later came and got them to eat.

Pool

As if the dream were not already weird enough, it got weirder. I found myself with my group in the water of a swimming pool. I watched as a suited individual was pulled down into and under the water. She was wearing what appeared to be white, astronaut suit but it was really scuba gear. Under the water she became me and I breathed under water for a bit and then surfaced and looked about. I remember feeling very uniquely separate from the others at this point and a bit unsure of where I was and why I was there.

In the water the group was pairing off and one guy kept looking at me as if he wanted to know if I was interested. I immediately told him I was married (or did I think it?) and moved away from him. Not only was he unattractive but I just was not interested.

I heard something and looked up to see the instructor. He was discussing the training we were going through. I don’t remember now what he was saying but it was obvious that I was still in the “mental” facility going through some kind of training. Another interesting thing was that everyone was wearing white.

Promotion

Suddenly I was doing my laundry and standing in front of a washing machine. It was overfull and I was pulling out paper. It was paper used for wrapping presents and I was not sure how it got there. As I unloaded it to make the washer less full I was talking with a woman. I was able to get the load lessened and then my attention was brought back to the instructor who had just been at the pool side. He was addressing me and holding up a large tapestry of some kind. He opened it up and it was a commendation that had been sewed for me. It was the size of a quilt and was green and white. It very clearly stated that I was promoted to Captain. When he told me this I was intensely happy and surprised at once. The rest of the group was also very congratulatory. I kept looking at the tapestry and the word “Captain” continued to repeat in my mind.

Waking Messages

I awoke at this time. Fully awake without drowsiness, I realized it was very early and still dark. I don’t know what time it was but I suspect about 5:45-6a.m. This is the time I have been waking all week regardless of when I have to get up.

I tried to return to sleep but could not. So I went over the dream in my mind and wondered about its meaning. As I did, I must have drifted in and out of the state in-between sleep and wakefulness. It is a very deep meditative state that is easy for me to fall into upon waking.

During this time I would find myself conversing with someone and other times I would be in the act of doing particular things. The messages I received are difficult to remember now, which is not unusual, and I remember being reassured that I would remember what I needed to when I asked to remember.

One message was that I had three more levels. The other was simply the word “migraine” along with the image of the helmet I was wearing in the first part of the dream. This message immediately brought me to full awareness as I panicked a bit but then knew it was okay and purposeful. At this point I was hit with a calmness and knowingness that reassured me all was going as planned and caused me to not care about what it might mean.

The next thing I remember is doing yoga and realizing suddenly that I was, bringing me back to full awareness. I then began to “know” things but at the same time I was speaking to myself with certainty, but the voice did not seem like mine, yet it was. It is hard to explain. I was telling myself, “I am suppose to do this, that is what I was told to do”, and I began to do “it”. “it” was to meditate.

So that is what I did and I struggled with it because I kept being brought back to full awareness by things I was being told, triggered by my desire to remember, word-for-word, what I was “hearing”. I went back and forth between states for some time and finally the message got through to me – “Don’t focus on any one thing. You will remember what is needed.”

And that is when I let go and gave in. When I returned from this state, I did not remember everything and as I tried to remember I began to lose specifics very quickly. Yet I instantly began to know that what I was going through was purposeful and part of the process. The deep sleeping, the high energy in the day, the synchronicity, the deja vu, – all of it was part of the “ascension” process as was that movement from “level to level” as per the promotion to Captain in my dream. I also remembered what I had been doing before bed (I could not remember it before then). I had been saying to myself, “I am home” and I fully recognized that what I was longing for, this “Home”, is an illusion, much like everything else I experience in the physical. That Home is really me. Home is everywhere that I am. It is with me all the time and I can access it anytime. I went to sleep repeating to myself, “I AM HOME”.

Note: I am currently reading Confronting Your Immortality by Gordon Phinn. I highly recommend this book. I am in the middle of the book and have been reading it before bed the past few nights. It is from this book that I recognized how my beliefs have been limiting me, specifically my belief of what Home is.

by

Seven

So far this week has been pretty dull compared to last week. I am more irritable but not in a bad way. I am not surprised that I am falling below the wonderful plateau of temporary emotional stability I had last week. It is a common cycle in my life. I am grateful for experiencing the reprieve, though.

Deja Vu

Yesterday I had a very powerful deja vu experience. It happen like they usually do. I was at work and was called to help someone who had lost their brothers within months of each other. So my job was to listen and give assistance as needed. As I was listening and giving information about the five stages of grief everything suddenly seemed to brighten. At the same time it was as if the moment were in slow motion and everything I was experiencing was very familiar. I suspected deja vu and then looked at a bookcase and seeing it cemented the feeling. Definitely deja vu.

I have not had deja vu in a long time. Around the time of my spiritual awakening, probably in 2003 or thereabouts, I had deja vu quite frequently. Back then I was not use to it and at first I found it curious and then exciting. I had been told by others that it meant I was exactly where I was suppose to be. Eventually, though, the experiences were soon followed by a series of negative life events. So, since this time, I have begun to see deja vu experiences as warnings. I know it is not logical, but I cannot seem to help but worry when I have one. What if I end up having similar negative things happen after them?

With this specific deja vu, I remembered that I had been in that exact place and time, doing the exact thing I was doing – classic deja vu. The feeling with it was very dream-like as well and I wrought my brain trying to figure out when I had experienced this before. My conclusion was that I must have dreamed it, or at least the past experience was similar to that of a dream.

I am not certain that I will associate this deja vu with future negative happenings, but I will definitely be wary. Perhaps deja vu is a result of pre-life review – that time before we enter the body when we review particular events that we will struggle with. I also feel that these reviews are meant to trigger memories within us so that we are ready to do the right thing at the right moment. So, it makes complete sense that I would worry about what is to come after having deja vu.

Hidden Belief Revealed

This morning, after a pretty deep somewhat dreamless sleep, I woke up and felt one of my guides very close. I had just dreamed about thousands of old people. There had been a discussion about them. The old people were above the age of 70 for the most part, many of them deteriorating at a fast pace; their bodies not functioning properly and letting them down. The discussion focused on my opinions of old people. I made it very clear that they were more of a burden than anything and “got in the way” (my exact words). The person I was talking to was listening and then when this person did speak (they were neither male or female) they gave me a phone number that I repeated a couple of times, along with the number 7. My opinion about the elderly was questioned but I awoke before I could respond.

Upon waking I remembered my stance on the elderly and was at first shocked and then accepting of my opinion. I realized somewhere within me there is the belief that if one cannot contribute to society that they should no longer be supported by society. Where this belief comes from, I am not 100% certain, but it contributes to my present life issues, specifically family issues that I will not go into right now. I am fairly certain this belief of mine stems from a past life (or many). I know I had a life in Germany around the time of the holocaust but not during it. Perhaps it stems from that life?

I did not remember the phone number, despite saying it several times, but I did remember the number 7. I am not too familiar with the number 7 but from what I remember about it, 7 is the number of spirituality and developing and increasing one’s spiritual ability. The number 7 is a message from one’s guide that now is the perfect time to focus upon development of one’s spiritual ability, to seek answers and truth from within and encourages others to, also.

golden-dragon-scalesOBE or Something Else?

After accepting the dream conversation that revealed one of my hidden beliefs I felt very defeated. I disliked myself very much yet I knew the belief was mine and needed to be worked through. This was overwhelming to me, of course, as the very rejection of this belief creates difficulty in resolving it.

I could still feel my guide with me and I said to him, “I want to astral”. He nodded. I rolled over and closed my eyes.

The next thing I remember was awakening within a dark room. I could sense I was in my bed and that was all. I felt groggy and tired. Despite this, I pushed myself to exit my body and get past the groggy feeling. I felt heavy and cumbersome as I rolled to the side and sat up. I felt the disconnect from my body but it was sluggish. I just wanted to get out and away from the feeling!

After what seemed like forever, I disconnected from the heaviness of my body and began to float through the house I was in. It was not familiar and the lights were out. I could not see well but it was enough to make out shapes and objects in the room. I was in typical living area with a TV, sofa, tables, etc. I felt a presence with me. It was male and tall and not threatening. I recognized him to be my guide and acknowledged him. I then knew his name and said to him, “You are…” excitedly, but his name eludes me now. We talked but I do not know what we said now. It was mostly me recognizing him and his relationship to me. I also remember him saying to me, “This is you” and “I am you”.

I made my way to the other side of the room and stood in front of the door. A child was there, but I do not know who it was or if it was male or female. It appeared to be a small girl but I did not interact with her at all. I only recall a slight glow about her, but did not focus on it. I then stated out loud, “I want to see the light”.

I made my way to the door and intended to go through it but when I got to it I met resistance. Not deterred I willed my way through it and just popped out on the other side of the door.

I found myself outside but it was still dark. My surroundings felt more familiar here but I was still not sure where I was. I kept calling out, “I want to see the light” over and over. I did not initially intend to say this and the memory of setting the intention was hard to remember. I could not figure out the right words. Now in recalling this I know I meant to say, “I want to see my Higher Self” but for some reason I could not recall those words.

As I continued to say, “I want to see the light”, I felt myself being pulled upward toward the sky. At first I resisted, a bit worried I would end up in outer space which is not where I wanted to go, but I eventually allowed myself to be pulled up. When I did, there appeared before me row upon row of shimmering golden leaves outlined with light green. But when I focused upon them more the “leaves” appeared more to be gold leafed armor plating. My vision was bright and completely filled with the images of tiny, sparkling, golden leaves.

My movement upward began to accelerate and I got uneasy. This, of course, blacked out my vision. I wish I could just go with it and not resist! Anyway,  when this happened I did not want to wake up so I calmed myself down and let myself just float in the blackness. I stopped moving upward but did not go back into my body. I just floated in darkness. At this time is when my guide began to speak and I just floated in darkness while we talked.

He explained to me that what I was experiencing was all a result of me. I was creating it. I cannot remember his exact words now but the message was clear: this was all my creation; my reality. Why was he telling me this again? He also told me that of the information I remembered or received while OOB, I would lose 70%. His exact words were, “70% is lost”. I don’t remember the rest of what he said, but I guess with a 70% loss that is about right.

When we were done talking, I realized my eyes had been closed. I slowly peeked out and light came shining through and I vividly saw the outside. The light shown through my eyelids very brightly and caused me to awaken. I opened my eyes and the memory of my conversation with my guide hit me. I focused on remembering the experience and then willed myself back to it.

I was back outside in darkness with limited vision. I saw an animal pen of some kind with a dog inside. There was also the shadow of a man on the other side of it. At the same time I felt the warm fur of a dog next to me and recognized my Trooper was with me. I reached down and petted him. It did not register with me to question what dog was inside the pen, though. I wanted instead to find out who the man was. I should have been afraid but I wasn’t as I flew toward the tall, shadowy figure and called out to him, “Hey!” I flew up and over the pen to come down to the other side where the man was but when I looked down he was gone.

I awoke and was not in a good mood. It was irritating to me that my vision was so poor and the conversation with my guide had me wondering if my experience was just a very vivid, lucid dream and that I was not really leaving my body at all. He did say that everything around me was created by me so that must mean that I am just dreaming. The thought made me question all my experiences. It felt like I was out of my body, but if I was OOB, where was I going? To my own created world? If so, what was the fun of that? The disappointment created by this possibility made me disinterested in any more such experiences. I lay in bed, disappointed, as hypnagogic images flashed through my mind. They kept distracting me and when I focused on them they would vanish. I knew I should ignore them and that if I did I would consciously exit my body. But I didn’t want to. I was too let down by the message that it was all my creation and that I was likely just in some kind of self-simulated realty. I want more than that.