After six weeks of eating vegetarian, I ate meat. As soon as I did I felt sick to my stomach and very, very full despite having not eaten much. When I lay down to sleep I had a strong feeling that my eating meat was going to affect my sleep, specifically that I would project. Turns out, I slept very well and awoke feeling rested which has not been the case all week. On top of that, I was able to project six times!

Interestingly, my projections were very unreal compared to my past experiences. They seemed fake to me, but I don’t know why. In the moment each occurred, they were indeed very real and very obviously OBEs. However, there was something that felt very “off” about all of them.

When I awoke from them I was not happy about having them. I have already written about the strong feelings I have now since having these projections. I feel that “someone” or some group of someones is purposefully trying to distract me from something through these experiences. I know this is completely out of character for me, but that is how it feels.

Odd Feelings, Thoughts and Sensations

For a while now I have been having thoughts of this life, this reality, being unreal. These thoughts are random and have been increasing in frequency over the past two months.

Examples of such thoughts:

• I will look at the sky and feel very tiny, almost insignificant while at the same time feel to be watching myself from high above where I am three times the size of Earth. The resulting feeling is that I will disappear or disintegrate. Vanish. Poof!
• Sitting with my youngest, I was fiddling with his hair and thinking how similar it felt to that of a doll. Then with this thought came a feeling that the experience I was having – the experience of motherhood – was not real and that all my relationships were similarly unreal. It is all pretend and the only reason for it existing at all was because I wanted it to.
• At times my body will feel foreign to me. It is hard to explain but there is a sense that it is not mine; not me.
• I also feel that I am being watched. By who I don’t know for sure. Sometimes I think it is Me and other times I swear I catch a glimmer of a person or a shadow moving past.

I honestly don’t know what to make of all this. I find it peculiar that my OBEs this morning had the recurring theme of death. In some my sister and mother were dead. In the last there were two heads poking out of the ground and I though instantly that they were dead. Is this a reflection of me feeling disconnected from this life and everyone in it? Is that why I had such a strange feeling when I woke up? What am I missing? What is happening to me?

I was warned that I would have strange thoughts and it is coming to pass. I was warned that I would feel different, similar to a newly hatched chick. I suppose that could be why my body feels foreign to me and why I am feeling so strangely alienated from my family; family whom I should have an overwhelmingly strong emotional connection to. It could be why I have such strange sensations in my body – I am overwhelmed by noises, the sun seems to sear my eyes and later in the day I want to keep them closed all day they are so tired, I have odd urges to be touched but at the same time I reject touch, I am anxious around people I don’t know and feel overwhelmed by their energy despite shielding myself from it.

On top of all this the line from a song is repeating in my head, “You’ve gotta take it on your own from here. It’s getting pathetic and I’m almost done here”. This comes from a Greg Laswell song, “Come Back Down“.

I am still not sure what the lines in the song indicates but it causes my heart center to pull when I think of it.

Whatever is happening, I hope the part of the song that says, “I’m almost done here” is a message that this will soon be over.