Tag Archives: higher self

by

Finding the Present Moment

The past few days have been interesting.

Integrating Change and Finding the Present Moment

Though I have not had any spectacular spiritual experiences like OBEs or kundalini energy zaps, I have been experiencing a new phenomenon. It is, I suspect, exactly what my guide warned me was coming. He said I would hear him differently, “from my heart”. I did not understand what he meant but I think I am beginning to.

What I have been experiencing is best described as being “moved” from within to do or say or be something other than is normal for me. Sometimes, though rarely, I do hear my guide as a very quiet thought instructing or directing me; prompting me to consider what I am doing and why. Most of the time, however, there is simply an urge or sudden disposition toward a certain direction.

Examples:

1. After an enturbulating morning cause by my preoccupation with a current problem at work, I began to view the problem from a different standpoint and the ridge of energy I had created against it began to melt away. With this relaxing and withdrawing from the problem, a feeling hit me to break my normal routine. The more I went with this feeling, the more my spirits lifted and I began to feel propelled into action. All I did that was out of the ordinary was go into places I normally wouldn’t and initiate conversations with people, some of whom I had never met.

As I allowed myself to open up, an unfolding occurred from within. It is hard to describe but I felt in my element, more myself than usual. I also noticed how people reacted to this change and how I reacted as well. There was no resistance and the spirits of both myself and those I communicated with were elevated substantially.

What I soon realized was that I had been allowing my Ego to control me and as I focused more upon the moment I was in, rather than on the past situations that my Ego held onto, I began to view everything with fresh perspective. It was as if the strings that held me back were cut and I was let free, free from invisible yet very tangible restraints.

2. Another instance similar to the one above was related to the same work problem. I had received an email and it caused me to become preoccupied with what to do and I was filled with a nervous energy. I became very aware of this energy and had a nudge from within to “let it go” and “focus on something else”. Listening, I decided to take a walk with all three of my children.

Halfway through my walk I felt relief and then an urge to play a game. I initiated what I will call the “color game” with my kids. I would pick a color and we would start looking around for the color and point it out to one another. We all had great fun and it turned into “I Spy” toward the end. All our spirits were lifted and I recognized that I not only had fun but that I had no more interest at all in the previous problem.

This example may seem like no big deal, but for me, it is. I usually do not initiate games nor do I have much fun in playing them.

time_joakim_kraemer_photography_Learning Lessons in Waking Life

It appears that the lessons I had been learning in OBEs have now shifted to physical reality. I have connected the two experiences and transferred the process into my waking life. I find the voiceless voice that guides me while OOB is guiding me in a similar way throughout my day. My perceptions are focused upon certain things quite suddenly and from within my core. It is almost like someone is saying, “Look here” or “Consider this”, but it is a feeling instead.

I find myself conversing with this part of me throughout the day and I am catching the conversations more and more. This is not the same as it once was where I would have conversations with my guide. It is more like when I am OOB, a kind of consciousness transfer, seamlessly enacted but being brought to the surface for observation and evaluation.

It is quite extraordinary.

How to Be Present in the Moment

I am being taught how to be present in the moment. It happens via the urge to change direction and focus and I do it without knowing I am doing it. When I find myself in the moment I am elated. Yet a part of me feels as if I have been “fooled”. I even one time told myself, “You’re quite clever. You know I resist if I feel forced to do something that is not my idea. So you make it my idea and I suspect nothing”.

The process is occurring more and more seamlessly now, but in the beginning it was a simple question put forth from within that propelled me into the present moment.

That question was simply: What if you look at this moment as if it had never happened, as if this were the first time you ever experienced it? What if you knew you would never again experience this moment? Imagine that.

This was the question/thought I had prior to the experience I had of looking at myself from outside myself. It was mind-blowing and life changing. I have gotten again and again and again.

And as I consider the questions even now, any ridged resistance to the moment melts away. I recognize that it is my Ego that sees these repetitive moments as drudgery because it has a past a present and a future. I have none of these things. I am eternal and timeless. I can experience anything brand new in any moment I choose.

And then there is joy, and the moment.

Other Lessons Learned

I also have seen how my Ego interferes with my purpose. My purpose is undeniable to me – I am here to help others. Currently I do this via counseling. I am seeing how my Ego makes problems, creates barriers and resistance. It forgets easily my purpose preferring to focus upon my physical representation (body) and perceived threats to it.

When I chose to look at the perceived threat from a coworker as an Ego resistance I saw it as it was and the resistance melted away. I was then left to pursue my calling and found joy in doing so. I also saw the reciprocity involved in my chosen path. That which I give to others, I also receive. The advice and lessons I provide as a counselor, I am also learning for myself. How better to learn them than to be a teacher of them. In this process I am both the teacher and the student. Ingenious!

by

The End is the Beginning

Day three and I still feel wonderful. I am much more leveled out than I started, but the feeling is staying. Hallelujah!

As per my dream, I laid in savasana yesterday afternoon just because. My household was alive with noise – my children were talking loudly, my baby was crying for attention from my husband and it was quite chaotic. Yet I felt myself relax deeply and my third eye activate. Soon my crown and third eye formed the familiar energy helmet over the top of my head and I found myself fixated on a television show my daughter was watching in the other room. I listened intently. Focused.

Then a heavy blanket of energy seemed to descend over my entire body and my eyes immediately began to twitch back and form. REM. I instantly recognized the symptoms of trance and was blown away. Wow!

Vibrating

I have heard of others experiencing kundalni energy say they have an almost constant vibratory energy all over their body. I had never experienced so it was quite alien to me. I thought maybe it was the psychic chills I frequently get from my guides. But no, they said this is quite different from psychic chills.

Yesterday mine started, and they are still with me. They are subtle but I can tune into them and make them stronger if I want. At one point yesterday my entire body felt so alive, so full of energy that I was a bit blown away. There I was, standing in my kitchen, covered in vibrations! All I did was pause for a moment to take in my surroundings, something I have been doing quite often these last few days. I do this to increase my awareness of the present moment. Well, it is working and it seems to have initiated the all-over body vibrations!

Since then I have but to change my focus and I notice the vibrations. If I don’t put attention there then they are quite inconspicuous. I can feel them everywhere – not just in my chakras. I even felt them in my feet! hehe

Dream: Gospel Songfamaviol-1

This morning I awoke in tears from a dream I was having. In it, I was in a group of people at a type of ceremony honoring someone’s accomplishments. I had chosen a rare gospel song to play that was from the 1940s. I don’t remember the song’s melody now, but there was a part in which the lyrics addressed generations and how daughters and sons later became husbands and wives, mothers and fathers and then grandmothers and grandfathers. I cried hearing this, full of such an overwhelming love for humanity.

Upon waking in tears, my guide was close and calming. I was also covered in several energy blankets. One was around my midsection, one was around my head, and another was around my legs. In addition, my entire body was lightly vibrating.

I said immediately to my guide, “I chose a very challenging personality this life”. He said, “Indeed you did”.

I knew without knowing how that the life I lived two lives before this one was much more in line with my true Self. My personality (Ego) in that life was not resistant like it is in this life. It was easier to control and much more pliable. I had such faith in that life, such patience and understanding. Yes, the life was hard, but I had faith and held onto that faith throughout.

I was also a black woman living in the South during that lifetime. I have such a deep love and respect for black women in this life. They are truly the most beautiful of women to me. I didn’t recognize where that came from until I remembered that lifetime. Such faithful, passionate, supportive, wonderful, amazing family I had in that lifetime. They taught me the true meaning of family.

Anyway, I digress. That life I chose a personality that was easier to control. I knew that in this life I chose a very resistant, stubborn, overly emotional personality on purpose. I also knew that it could also be controlled and I was learning to do that now.

Energetic Transfer (AKA Energy Swap)

If you have been reading my posts you may have read one entitled Energy Swap. In it I was told this would be happening to me. I didn’t quite understand it but, as with all the messages I receive, I put it “on the shelf” and left it for later.

Upon feeling the energy blankets, I kept waiting for the energy bolt I have had in the past, but it never came. My guide said to me, “You don’t need that anymore”.

I drifted into the in-between during this time, enjoying the calming energy. While there, I was told some things by my guide about the merging process. I can’t remember everything now (I forgot it almost instantly) but I do remember he said, “You will listen more and more”. The rest of what I was told had to do with the exchange of energy that was on-going.

When I returned to myself I said to him, “I am coming into myself”. I said it with such certainty and knowingness. Now I understand more fully what it means.

The “swap” of energy is not that I am giving up energy, it is more like I am being rewired. The energy that is coming in, or “downloaded”, is more of me. As it comes in, it redirects and channels the existing energy and “flushes” the system. In doing this, a new, more efficient system is created. So, in a nutshell, I am regaining control of the human system and personality and ultimately it will result in a well-controlled Ego.

The End is the Beginning

I am already seeing the changes within myself. The biggest is the calm that overrides any ineffective, over-reactive emotion. I am more able to sit and do nothing and think nothing. I am more able to be in the present moment. I can distance myself from other people’s dramas. I am cause more than I am effect. I control my emotions. I control my reactions. I control my words. I control my thoughts.

The me and the Me are switching places.

Examples:

My husband used my apple cider vinegar to dye Easter eggs. I thought, “This makes me angry”. Then there was a counter-thought, “It is done. There is no need to be angry.” Then I thought, “I am not angry”. The idea of the emotion was created with the initial thought but was squelched before it manifested.

All day yesterday my husband was at work. He had the day off but chose to go in. I called him twice, asking when he would be home. He was happy and motivated. I had the thought to yell at him, reprimand him for not being home with family. That thought was squelched immediately by the “calm” which came in and overrode my intention to say something. Instead, I listened to him and let him be happy. There was no counter-thought this time, just the calmness. It pervaded my being.

There are tons more examples. These are just recent. Overall, I find these scenarios more and more common. My typical reactions to minor issues are lessening. The Ego-me no longer has free-reign. Auto-pilot has been turned off.

by

Energy Swap

When I awoke this morning, I was succinctly aware of a message coming through to me from my guide. The only perceivable word I was able to extract from the feeling was “swap” but I understood immediately what it meant and its importance to my personal “shift”.

Vacation

I recalled instantly a dream I had where I was swept off to a tropical location somewhere in the area of Mexico.

The main parts of the dream that came to mind were getting into a vehicle and going to a parking lot. I said to my companion, “Parking costs $3”. He replied, “That’s not a lot. We have to pay $15 pesos”.

Then I was braiding the hair of a woman and talking to her. She was very anxious and uncomfortable and I was instructed to tell her to trust herself and the process. She then remarked that she was very hot and so I went to a box where I clearly saw markings indicating levels of degrees. I turned up the knob and a burner near the woman lit up very high, the flames reaching almost a foot into the air. I then knew it was time to lower them and so did, watching the flames subside to a very low level.

Messages

These images of my dream went along with the message from my guide and came with a feeling of nervousness. There came afterward a conversation which, unfortunately, is mostly lost to me. However, the main messages got through.

Swap

There will be, for me and others as well, an energy swap that will occur and has already begun. I don’t understand it completely as the message was more feelings and images than words, but from what I can gather, I will be swapping energy with my guide (Higher Self) and this will occur in small increments throughout the week with a major event around the 21st. The activity will mainly be felt in my third eye and crown chakras. The after-effects of the major event will be similar to what I have previously experienced but will last quite a bit longer. I understood this to mean that I will experience: confusion, inability to think clearly or in a concrete and linear way, sudden influx of ideas and info without the ability to express them, energy spikes throughout the physical body, and other overload symptoms.

Trust

It is important that I trust the process and do not resist it and it was asked, “Do you trust me?” When I heard this question I completely relaxed and my heart chakra began to overflow and I just wanted to melt into my bed. So I do not doubt that I will fully trust and surrender to this next shift.

Intensity of Energy

It was made clear to me that this process will be intense. I must not have understood or taken the message seriously enough because it was repeated to me, “It will be intense” and I saw the flames from my dream as they rose higher and higher and my body became overly hot with the memory. I asked if it would be like the other experiences I had and was told, “It is never the same”.

I was warned to remain centered in my heart at all times and advised of coming tendencies to become the effect of overly high and unencumbered negative emotions. Anger, spite, unhappiness, depression, jealousy and more negative emotions will be on the rise.

by

Corpse in a Courtroom

I am still recovering from yesterday and the night before. The energy wave has subsided but I am still processing it. I am also doing quite a bit of work in my sleep. Last night I slept like a rock and the few dreams I recall were eye opening.

Corpse in a Courtroom

I was watching men walking around in a courtroom discussing a woman’s death. Her naked body was laid across the defendant’s table. Her skin was pale and there were large blotches of red where her blood had settled. I watched as a man turned her head and allowed it to fall over to the side. I was intent on seeing her face and saw she was blonde and pretty. I now wonder, was she me? Then, to my surprise, she moved. Was she still alive?

They discussed the girl’s diary and the image shifted. I was then in front of a book, her diary, turning page after page. I saw her life, written out. Her despair and her joy. I stopped on a page where she wrote about the birth of her daughter. There were hearts pasted in it and a picture. I saw in my mind a vibrant, brown haired girl and felt the joy the woman felt. I felt sad for her, though, because the moment was so fleeting. I thought, “If only we could freeze those moments and enjoy them more fully”. With it came an understanding that those moments are the ones we live for.

I then saw page after page of music written out and knew she had fallen in love with music and had tried to write her own. It was a dream that was soon forgotten. This also saddened me as I saw the hopes of her youth crumble in those pages.

The final page I turned opened up into a suitcase and there were a pair of Justin boots. I immediately thought of my ex and knew they were his boots. I then knew he was dead and began discussing what to do with his boots. I knew the size – 11 and someone asked if I was sure it wasn’t a 10 and I said, “No, the smallest size he wore was a 10.5”. I then sorted through other shoes – western boots and tennis shoes.

I awoke regretting my time with my ex and how I did not enjoy those moments. I recognized how caught up I was in my own drama. I built walls around myself and soon found myself trapped in my life. My guide was there assisting me. “You loved him” and “How did you feel?” I recognized that I had felt similarly at other times in my life. He asked, “Why?” and I knew it was because I had not followed my heart. I also immediately said, “I don’t want to do that again (referring to living in Alaska)”. I felt that for some reason I may have to do it again in another life. I think my lesson was not learned. I knew that I had needed to confront the feelings I had rather than run from them. I am doing that now, in my current relationship/life, but I did not with my ex. Perhaps it is an exchange we were working on and it will need to be visited again in another life?

I knew then that the corpse had been me becauseI have often referred to that time as “My other life” because it seems like it happened to someone else. I also knew there was a judgement going on and I was the defendant and the victim.

by

Abandoned Buses

I finished reading my journal last night. I read many, many entries in which my guide/Higher Self makes it clear to me why I astral project and what I am learning about myself. One of the lessons I learned was to love myself, specifically to love being WITH myself and stop seeking out another to make me whole. Another lesson was how to manifest what I wanted in life. I did both and more the following year – that year I built my house, met my current husband, got married, and got pregnant with my first child.

When I went to bed I felt I had accomplished a great deal from 2003-2007. I am proud of myself! I decided to set the intention to use future astral projections as I had been instructed time after time in my journal – to learn about myself, to heal and to help others.

Abandoned Buses

I woke up early this morning and then tried to return to sleep. I felt wonderful, so this was hard. I finally dozed off and found myself lucid laying in my bed listening to a group of people talking. I was aware that they were sitting on the bed next to me. The scene was shifting and colored with gray and white. It was like watching an old black and white television show.

I instantly knew I was “in-between” (which I now understand to be one of the lower levels of the etheric). I closed my eyes and mentally stated, “I want to astral”. As soon as I said this, I felt the subtle vibrations wash over me and then intensify in the center of my body. I knew the timing was right and I willed myself out of my body.

I immediately floated upward slightly and knew that the “people” who had just been around me talking would be gone. When I looked around, they were, of course, gone. I saw that I was in my room, the messed up covers of the bed below/next to me, and my vision was bright and clear. The room had a golden-yellow glow that seemed to radiate a soft warmth. The overall energy was nice.

I moved into the upstairs living room and paused. I remembered my decision to let my Higher Self guide me through my OBEs from now on. So I tuned into this part of me and asked, “What do you want me to do?” I heard a nearly undetectable reply, “I want you to see yourself”. I replied, “Ok”. I didn’t ask how because as soon as I wondered about it I felt I needed to pay attention to what I saw and experienced in this projection.

I leaned over the railings of the upstairs and looked down below me at the downstairs living area. I saw toys strewn all over the floor! It looked like a messed up jigsaw puzzle of toys! They were very brightly colored, too. I saw them, took note of them and knew that in waking life this mess would have made me unsettled. I decided not to let them bother me while in astral and jumped over the railings to go down stairs.

I felt my energy was low and so stated, “More energy”. The energy settled and seemed to solidify and I drifted down to the floor. I instantly went toward the kitchen to the double doors that lead outside. I don’t even recall being IN the kitchen, though. It seemed I instantly just appeared outside the house.

I do recall going through the two doors because they seemed so white and opened up by themselves. I knew as I went through them that they would lead me somewhere else, somewhere that was not my back yard.

I instantly saw green grass and as I moved along it I topped a hill. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a yellow school bus parked to my right. When I saw it I felt I should investigate but I was not interested and immediately chose to explore the hill. Over the top of the hill was this magnificent valley that stretched for miles and miles. It was vividly green with triangular shaped stones that looked like mini mountain tops scattered all across it. The sky above was blue, pink, white and yellow and reminded me of a sunrise. At first I thought they were mountains but upon further inspection they were actually small stones and the scene appeared similar to scenes I’ve seen in movies of Scotland.

Greyhound_bus_on_the_way_to_Washington-2I looked around and saw that there was a small pond that was dotted with mounds of earth as if it was low on water. I went to investigate it. I attempted to fly and found it difficult so I said, “More energy” and was able to lift up enough to fly down. When I got to the pond I saw a Greyhound bus parked seemingly IN the pond. I ignored it but did not miss the fact that it was there. I just wasn’t interested in the bus for some reason.

I got to the pond and immediately got into the water. The water was muddy and stagnant but I didn’t care. Then I took handfuls of the gritty water and washed my face with it. I could feel the sand and grit on my face and I smiled and put more on my face. I remember thinking, “Why am I doing this?” and then thinking, “Because I want to”. I tried not to over analyze it but in hindsight believe there is significance to everything in this experience.

I got up out of the water and looked up the hill. I could see a cabin hidden behind the trees and make out a parking lot and a woman walking toward the cabin. She was somewhat overweight and reminded me of the woman I saw in my OBE two days ago. I then looked toward the cabin and saw a shower out in the open. It was one of those really high tech spa showers with jets that hit your body at the top and middle. The chrome of the jets shown vividly as did the teak wood of the shower itself.

I got this ominous feeling and tried to control it. I don’t know where it came from but it hit me when I considered going up and talking to the woman. I recognized there was fear there and since it made no sense it threw me enough that I was pulled back to my body.

I again ran into a rocky reentry but it wasn’t as bad as last time. My heart was pounding again but settled down faster and I was able to move without any problem.

Factors Influencing Projection

Lucidity scale: 8

Intent stated?: Yes

Time to bed: 10pm

Time to wake: 5:30am

Meditation?: No

Physical Exercise?: Yes

Mood: normal

Body: Lower back and pelvic area aching

Tiredness: Low

Number of wakings: 1

Technique?: No

Sleeping position: Left side

Supplements: Multivitamin, Natural Calm 400mg, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Biotin 1000mg, Vitamin E 400mg, Evening Primrose Oil 1300mg

by

The Purpose of Astral

I continue to review my journal and have now finished reading the entire first binder. It is difficult to read what my thoughts were like during 2003-2005. I was really struggling! I am amazed that I made it through this time.

The Purpose of Astral

I do not write much about my experiences OOB in this part of my journal, but I write enough. My first projections were in 2004 but there is not much detail about the first ones. However, by the beginning of 2005 I begin to write more about my OBEs. Below you will find those entries. I did not yet know the terms Higher Self so I did not use this term. I added it in parentheses to help with understanding. I also referred to the Ego as “consciousness”.

April, 2005

As I fell asleep I was talking to someone and I could feel energy coming over me. I remember being told to let my consciousness go and to let go. I remember trying to let go and struggling with the notion of it. Then I must have let go! I remember feeling my body above my head vertically and then below. I remember liking the feeling and trying to get more of it, trying to control it. I tried to roll out of my bed and go on a journey but found it difficult and noticed my conscious mind becoming more aware. Again, I was reminded to control my consciousness and I must have because I heard the roaring in my ears and went deeper in astral. At that point I felt my body moving up and down again and then I felt it start to move fast, like real fast. I was thrilled because it was like being on a roller coaster! I couldn’t see though and remember saying, “I can’t see!” All I saw was my digital alarm clock showing the time of 8am and then the numbers started moving forward really fast to the point that I don’t know what time it was. Then I started moving in circles and spinning real fast round and round. It was so fun. I was elated.

I decided to throw my arms out to see if I could touch someone. I felt hands as I was trying to reach out but couldn’t grab hold of them. I kept reaching and finally grabbed hold of a hand. Then I started slowing down real fast and I was thrown into a man. I felt myself pushed into him and my head was right up next to his. I apologized to him and then realized I was hugging a man and I could feel his hairy chest! I knew he was dark haired and I was very happy to be with him. Right about the time I realized what was happening I heard a quiet, masculine voice say to me, “Quite a fine sense you have. The more and more…(I finished his sentence) you see, the more and more you will believe. Trust them to know what they see”. When I was about to ask his name I awoke in my bed still hearing his voice.

He had an accent like an old American or UK accent….He said he is my teacher, the one who has been teaching me about astral.

This astral teacher told me point blank that astral was being used to help me heal. He told me very sternly, “You know nothing about healing”. Ha! I didn’t laugh at the time, though.

A week later I continue to talk about my teacher and the purpose for astral:

I am learning in astral how to control my emotions/feelings and how to listen to them. I don’t hear or see my guides when I first go into astral. I sometimes go out and do things and other times I don’t. This last time I became conscious as astral happened and went with it. When I started wanting to do things I felt resistance. It was almost like a wall formed. When I stopped wanting to do my own thing and let things go as they were the resistance stopped. So I was learning about how to control my conscious mind (Ego) and to allow subconscious mind (Higher Self) to have control. The subconscious is not like the conscious at all – it cannot be controlled. It is led by something else, something we are not in control of. So I was actually able to see that difference. I think my teacher is here to help me differentiate between what my soul wants and what my conscious (Ego) wants. He’s teaching me how to get them in unison somehow, mainly by making conscious step back at certain times.

I am being reminded to balance the mundane and the spiritual. Balance is when we use consciousness only when we make mundane decisions. I am told to continue in the mundane but to remember to tune into my heart. He (my teacher) showed me my “center” and said to use it as I live life. He said the soul (Higher Self) will allow conscious to continue without resistance until the conscious is going the wrong way. Then there will be a “bell” that goes off or a “wall” hit. The soul is only there to help us remember our function and path.

thDifferentiation of Feeling and the Ego

I also talk about learning how to differentiate feelings and control my consciousness while OOB.

My guide was talking to me about feeling last night and I think he is trying to get me to understand that feeling is not what I think it is. I define it as emotion. But it is more like following a “compass”. I keep waiting for an emotion to trigger a decision and emotion triggering a decision can be way wrong. It is like words; communication. Like telepathy. In astral I understand the message “No, no, no” but I don’t hear it. I know it and can then see the “wall” ahead of me. The wall felt physical because in the spiritual (while OOB) you can go where you want but you sense change as vibration. So vibration changes and you feel the change in your soul…..My consciousness (Ego) is very strong. It has been given the right of way for 28 years. I have to slowly teach it to yield to my soul (Higher Self).

Merging

Finally, I mention, for the first time, the word “merging”:

It seems the reason I am bombarded by mundane right now is to help me use my soul in unison with my life. If you try using consciousness to make it (channeling) happen, consciousness stays in control. It (channeling) is like allowing soul (Higher Self) to come in on its own without [the] conscious feeling threatened. My guide is telling me to have patience, that we are working together to allow this assimilation. It is like merging is going on.

ReDo

I see now why I was asked to read my journal. A “bell” rang because somehow, some way, I went off course.

…the soul (Higher Self) will allow conscious to continue without resistance until the conscious is going the wrong way. Then there will be a “bell” that goes off or a “wall” hit.

I am again being asked to find balance; to control myself (Ego), and listen to my heart so that I may better hear what it is that I am suppose to be doing.

I now also understand why I have met with such resistance in my projections. I somehow forgot the valuable lesson I learned in 2005. The point is to listen to the Higher Self, or soul as I called it back then. To do this, one needs to keep the Ego in check. This practice while OOB transfers to life IN the body. What one is, so is the other.

by

Mental Hospital

I am told that I am going through a transition stage by Eron. From what he has showed me, this transition phase involves a shift in the direction of my auric energy flow along with the integration of my ego-Earth Self with that of my Higher Self. The results are already being noticed but will be subtle and build up over time.

Last night I had several dreams which are mostly lost to me now. In one, I was speaking with a young woman who resembled me but appeared about ten years younger with blonder hair. I told her that she had one-and-a-half years yet to go before she would meet up with another. The young woman appeared disheartened by the news and I knew I had told her something she did not want to hear.

I awoke suddenly from this dream feeling that I had been the recipient of this message rather than the woman and wondering if the message was about meeting with my Higher Self or meeting another person. I worried it meant the latter but as has been the usual for me lately, let the thought pass by and did not focus upon it. And even now, when I try to think on it more I feel as if I am being told, “You will see. Do not waste your energy on trying to figure out something you are not yet meant to know. Trust that it will be revealed when it is meant to. Leave it”. So odd that now I listen to this internal dialogue and do not fight it. And stranger that it no longer much resembles a dialogue but rather an instinctive knowing and nudging.

timequoteMental Hospital

After waking I stayed up a while, my mind blank and wanting very much to snuggle back into my covers and sleep. Yet I had again the high energy that I had prior to December 12th and so tossed and turned for some time in my attempt to sleep until the sun rose.

At some point I must have fallen back to sleep as I found myself inside a mental hospital. This is the second time I have dreamed of being in a mental hospital and it bothered me even from within the dream. Yet my feelings were subdued and accepting, as if I knew this was exactly where I was suppose to be.

As I waited in the waiting room, I noticed a foreign family sitting and waiting as well. The family consisted of an elderly couple and their son. The woman was hovering around her husband who was to be admitted to the hospital. He appeared bent over and catatonic. The son was busy pacing around.

The elderly woman began to talk to me and told me they were Hungarian. I do not remember much about our conversation but I do remember that she wanted me to speak to her in Hungarian but I could not. I told her my husband could and called him over. It was at this point the dream seemed to shimmer and I found myself in a different dream within that dream.

I was speaking to my brother-in-law and he was comforting me about my being admitted to the hospital. I don’t remember what we spoke about but I do recall hugging him tightly and feeling that wonderful feeling I often feel when I am comforted by one of my guides. I felt safe and as if for the first time in a long time I could really rest. There was also a strong desire to be with him but I was confused because he resembled my brother-in-law and so I was conflicted.

When I awoke from the dream I felt sad. It seemed to me that I was being told I had to wait. I felt to be in a very critical condition. Not that I am “sick” really but I honestly felt as if I were dying. I recall reading somewhere that this is a normal feeling for one who is in transition. They may feel they are truly about to die and believe this to the point that they prepare a will and get their estate in order. I have felt this for some time and have even considered drawing up a will, sure that I would die soon. It was this feeling that again hit me after this dream. It is a deep apathy that does not move but just sits there. It is as if all the fight in me is gone and I have nothing left. There is a death coming/in process. It is the ego death.

I tell you this, though, the feeling is very, very convincing.

In dreams, to be in a mental hospital symbolizes the giving up of one’s own body or Self. This seems appropriate to me as does the man in the dream who appeared catatonic. It was very apparent that he needed to be in the hospital and so I believe he was a reflection of my own need to be in such a symbolic place. I had no personal rejection of being there or being admitted. It felt to be a place of support and love. I should be happy about this dream because it shows my willingness to surrender yet the feeling is that this is a process I cannot rush.

Time

As this day progresses, all I can think about is how very long a year-and-a-half seems. For a while I despaired over it and felt I could not endure even one more minute like this. It was then that I heard Eron say to me, “Time is nothing but a preoccupation of thought”. And since then I have left the fixated thoughts behind me. What really does it do to help by thinking about something I have no control over? It is so much easier to not think of such things.

And I am not miserable, really, but the feeling I do have is indescribable. I go about my days with some rise in anger at my situation only to have it squelched suddenly by some unseen force within. I then go about my day thinking only of what I am currently doing. When I try to think ahead I feel brain dead, as if someone has squeezed that channel in my brain closed. To think of the past exhausts me. If I think positively about the future this does not happen, though. It is very odd to me but I do not fight it. I do not have the will left in me to do so and to fight feels so wrong anyway.

by

Purging Continues

Since the big bang of kundalini energy I experienced on the 12th, I have not had anything near as intense occur. Additionally, I have not had any significant lucid dreams or OBEs. I am told this will continue through the end of the year and not to expect any major changes until January 2015. Apparently, I am in an adjustment period but I am not really sure what that means. I do know that I have been sleeping very deeply and for long periods of time. I have also met a new assistant named Eron who has been communicating with me.

Purging Continues

Even though kundalini has slowed down considerably I continue to experience buzzing and pulling energy in certain chakras, primarily my crown and lower four chakras. As I begin to once again remember my dreams I am noticing that my dreams tend to be about making decisions, confronting fears and accepting change.

Fear of Success

One main fear that I am working on is the fear of success. A dream I had two nights ago indicates that I am afraid of the responsibilities that come with success and power, specifically group norms and rules of those who enjoy a high standard of living. In the dream my husband was promoted to a high position and I was as well. I was told this by someone who worked for the police department and the position my husband got was one of those high up political positions that comes with high pay and lots of responsibility. I had no issue with my husband’s promotion but I was told that I would also be rising to an administrative type position. I was not concerned about my ability to do the job and even visited my past assignment to say goodbye and prepare to leave. However, on my first encounter with the higher-ups I grew nervous because I did not like “fake” people and could sense their pretense.

When I woke from this dream I felt very unsettled. I could feel energy all around my head buzzing and expanding. I instantly thought that if I wanted to have success in my life that I would have to confront my uncomfortableness with groups and pretense.

Self-Denial

Last night I had a dream where I was moving very swiftly down a highway with my daughter. I do not recall being in a car but there was cars all around me. The cars in front suddenly slowed and stopped and we passed by an accident where a truck had hit people. Three dead bodies littered the road and ambulances and police cars were all around, their lights flashing. I remember looking at a dead woman’s body and another body with head trauma and feeling bad for them.

We continued on the highway and then there appeared a man standing in the middle of the road in front of me. He had dark hair and was wearing blue jeans and a blue-gray t-shirt. I stopped and escorted him off the road. When we reached the side of the road there was a woman standing behind some railings. She looked at me and said point blankly, “You’re late”.

The dream then shifted and I was visiting a school for juvenile delinquents. I was a substitute half-day and just sat in the class while the kids calmed down. The lights had been turned off and we all just sat there. Then the teacher came in and the students left. A meeting was held and the boss was chastising a teacher for having a relationship with a student. I left with the others and thought to myself, “I am so glad I don’t work there anymore”.

Upon leaving I entered an elevator and went down to the first floor. From there the dream went black and I found myself in a void. I was semi-lucid here and had a conversation with two men.

At some point I began to wake up from orgasmic sensations that began to move upward toward my heart chakra. When I became conscious of the sensations I inadvertently stopped them from reaching my heart. Upon realizing what I did and recognizing some things about myself and my life, I broke down in tears.

Eron

My new assistant (or new to me at least) quickly began to talk me through whatever was happening. I recognized that I had been denying myself so many things in life and was grieving over this. He told me that I had the power to enjoy life again; to experience pleasure again. It was all up to me. All I could think about was that if I enjoyed life again I would hurt others. I was reminded that sometimes the help we give to others is not always viewed as “good”, that even those things we do that are considered “bad” are assisting others.

I began to enter the in-between state that I often do upon waking too early in the morning to conversations with a guide. It was during this time that I was awakened by words from my guide. He said to me, “My name is Eron. I am the first of your family. I am here to help”.

This woke me up because I did not know what he meant by “first of the family”. What family? And why “first?

I then wondered about him because I could not get a visual of him which is usual since most of my guides “show” themselves to me either in dreams or in a “picture” in my mind. So, I asked him, “What do you look like?

He replied, “I am silver”.

Silver? What does that mean? I wondered to myself. Then I asked him, “What do I look like?”

He replied, “You are white”.

I thought about this for some time because I had never considered my “color” or my guide’s “color”. What do the colors mean? Are they like what Newton’s patients describe in his books? Is our color representative of where we are developmentally?

Based upon Newton’s premise, white is the color of a beginning soul. However, there is no mention of silver. I was never quite comfortable with Newton’s idea of soul’s having a certain color based upon development and now I am again wondering if it is inaccurate.

Dream Recall

Interestingly, I recalled a dream I had last week as I typed the above considerations. It was a short dream and one that really seemed insignificant at the time, but perhaps there was more to it than I realized?

In the dream I had returned to the house we sold in July. I was walking up the back steps to the porch where a couple of people stood. I do not know who they are now, but in the dream they seemed to be old friends of mine.

When I approached one exclaimed, “You are so white!” I looked down at myself and said, “Yeah, I have not been out in the sun much lately”. I had assumed they meant my skin was pale because I had not been sun bathing! lol

Now as I recall the dream I am wondering if they were in fact trying to focus my attention on the changes within me. I hear over and over from my Higher Self, “You have changed. Don’t you feel it?” And I do notice a change but it is not that noticeable to me.

by

Breaking the Cycle

It has become clear to me over the past few days that I am the only thing that stands between myself and everything I have ever wanted. I have been the one who has caused all the pain and misery, discomfort and disharmony in my life. It is not what others have done to me, it is what I have done to me. It is the pain I have directed outward and inward. Everything I do to others I also do to myself. Each critical remark, each bitter comment and judgment slashes away at my inner beauty, marring it with ugliness and spite.

I have wandered blindly through life after life on this planet, unable to hear my own voice through the muddle of thoughts and the unsettling emotions that rise with them. I have used my mind to view life. I have used words to define my reality. I have ignored my heart and in that I have ignored myself.

Music

I sit here listening to the most beautiful angelic voices singing in a language I do not understand and I feel calmed. It is not an internal music, but merely the local classical music station. I have added music back into my life. I realized just how much I missed it.

Music, like many of the pleasures I have denied myself this lifetime, is probably the most uplifting of those things in life that we have access to. Music brings our vibration up. It allows us to remember ourselves and that is very precious. We should all listen to music as often as we can and sing it even more often. Singing itself raises our vibration and allows us to flow out of our hearts. Try it. Sing and let yourself get carried away. You will feel an energy in your heart and you will fill with joy. That is what music is: joy. That is also what we are.

With music we Remember.

I am Listening – Breaking the Cycle

I have made a conscious decision to listen, to view life from my heart rather than from my mind. It will take some time, some learning, to do this, but I know I can do it.

The more I tune into my heart, the more I realize I need to make some changes in my life. Just this morning I awoke from the deepest slumber I have had since this past Spring. Upon waking I heard, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. I am very familiar with this quote by Albert Einstein. And I knew that I needed to listen to the changes my Higher Self was encouraging me to make. I had been ignoring the messages, hoping I would not have to change but the very act of ignoring them distances me from myself and made me that much more deaf.

Some changes are easy, some are not. I listed them a while back but it is just now that I am doing them.

The main change I am being asked to make is to stop my workout routine. I have been asked to decrease my cardio activity to only walking and doing yoga. I am to stop lifting weights and doing the interval training and circuits I do three times a week. When I ask why, it is explained to me that I have been focusing too much on my physical body, its shape and appearance. What I need to do is focus upon balancing my energy, calming my mind and increasing my connection to my Higher Self. Walking and yoga will help me achieve this as will any exercise that brings me closer to nature.

Another change I am being asked to make is to open up to my spiritual gifts once again. It is not that I am being asked to jump head first back into readings, but rather to allow myself to be drawn to those in need and to ask of them, “What can I do to help you?” All I can do is follow the feeling and then present myself to them with open arms. It is up to them if they will accept my offer of help. I have already been drawn in this way to another. It was quite a surprise to me and I did not hesitate to offer my help. I am told this will continue to occur. If I listen then I will find much satisfaction in doing the service I am here to do. It is that simple.

Music, art and other creative outlets are also an area I am asked to bring back into my life. There has been imbalance in my life because I have not allowed myself to create. We by nature create, manifest, all the time. To limit this in ourselves is to snuff out our flame, to make life dark and suppressive. Each day I have been asked to sing, listen to music, or both. I have also been asked to find other outlets that will help me express what I feel, who I am. I have chosen painting because I have always wanted to be able to paint what I see behind my eyelids when I sleep, travel OOB or when I meet my Higher Self. My husband is a great artist and musician. I have asked him to help me paint what I have seen. I believe together we can create amazing art that expresses so much more than words ever could.

Here is one of my husbands’ works of art. He painted this from a photo of me and my daughter. He is very good at painting and drawing the human form.

baby

Cuddle Time, oil on canvas, 2008.

I have been asked also to meditate and do yoga daily. This includes self-healing, using essential oils to help with grounding and balancing my chakras, and learning to live through my heart. Each day I am asked to do something different when it comes to meditation and yoga. For example, I am led to read certain books which send me in the direction I need to go at that particular time. Most recently I have been led to read a book on chakras which taught me a tapping technique to help with physical discomfort and imbalance in my body. For the past two nights I have integrated the tapping with my meditation and self-healing and have noticed results, especially with the tension and discomfort in my physical body. Each day I am also led to do a different yoga video. Just last night I did a Kundalini/Hatha blend yoga for 42 minutes. So far, Kundalini and Hatha yoga are the two types I am most drawn to.

Finally, I am being asked to be more aware of what I eat and put into my body. Specifically, (and I am embarrassed to say) I am being asked to stop smoking in the evening. I have done this for as long as I can remember since awakening to my spiritual gifts. At first it was to help with the anxiety I experienced and then it just became something I did for myself since it seemed like so much of my day was spent doing things for others. I stopped many times, every time I was pregnant and for many years at a time. I was able to easily quit whenever I wanted. I know I can stop anytime as this is not a physical addition, it is a mental one. I am having the most difficulty stopping this particular bad habit. I do not smoke much – one to two cigarettes a night. Yet I am told this is too much and that it will interfere with my transformation. As long as I continue to do it, the progress will slow and eventually stop. So I will be quitting. I am told it will be today. lol I guess it is then.

by

Let the Eagle Fly

My guide/Higher Self told me that most of the merging “work” we are doing together is to be done at night. So far, every night since the 12th I have in fact had some kind of energy sensation within my dreams. Additionally, I have very in-depth, issue resolving dreams. Last night was no different.

Dreams of Family

I slept very deeply last night and forgot most of my dreams. I remembered enough, however, to know that we had been discussing the subject of family, responsibility to family and enjoyment of life. The last dream I recall was sitting in the passenger seat of a small car with my husband behind the wheel. He was not paying attention and side-swiped another vehicle and then sped off without stopping to exchange insurance. When I questioned him about it he said, “Our insurance will take care of it. It was our fault anyway”. His concern level was near zero and that bothered me. How could he be so irresponsible? That was so unlike him.

Transcendence

I awoke from the dream upset and not wanting to continue on this “ascension”, “merging”, whatever-you-call-it, transformation any further. I felt such a loss for some reason and did not want to continue on in life either. I asked my guide/Higher Self, “Why can’t we just drop this body? I know once we do we will merge. It is much faster that way”. I got a feeling in return that I knew better. The point of this life is not ascension, it is the experience – the transcendence. Ahhh! It made me just want to scream because 1. It was not what I wanted to hear and 2. He was right and I knew it.

The point of this life is not ascension, it is the experience – the transcendence.

I actually was just given this statement as I typed this. It was/is a great surprise to me – always – the words and sentences that sometimes come out of me. I myself, would not use such a word. In fact, I am only familiar with it from my Osho Tarot deck which is called “the transcendental game of Zen”. I have also heard the word used along with meditation, as in transcendental meditation. But all this time I never really thought much about the word. I knew it meant to “rise above” or “go beyond” but the actual definition is: 1. a. exceeding usual limits; b. extending or lying beyond the limits of ordinary experience. 2. being beyond comprehension. 3.transcending the universe or material existence.

This is all news to me – or at least to the Earth me anyway. It gives me a better idea of why I am here, at least. It helps me to better understand why I was not led to the term “ascension” until just recently. Why, this entire time, I was left to figure out the process on my own, with the help of my guide/Higher Self and assistants (which are numerous). It is not the label or the word that is important – it is the experience of going beyond the usual that has been my path for so many lives. It is breaking the surface of the water, taking a huge breath and opening my eyes to whole new world.

Let the Eagle Fly

I fell back to sleep not long after and had another odd dream. In this one I was watching my baby move a walker with his toes almost like a bicycle. He was pushing on tiny pedals and I was instructing him. He fell over and I was unconcerned and just told him to be more careful.

I then sat down and remember thinking that I needed to feel pleasure in life again. I reached to my right shoulder and put my hand over another hand. It was as if I knew there was someone there. I felt the hand as solid as my own but it was gloved and I could feel the fibers of the mitten the covered it. I pulled on the hand as I sent the intent to my silent companion to help me feel pleasure. I then felt a disembodied face attached to a disembodied head above the hand I had been touching. I pulled the head forward and sought out the mouth, first running into the eyes and chin. I recognized the head was upside down and a part of me was curious as to why there was no body, but I seemed to know this was my own creation.

My goal here was to activate my lower chakras and achieve the feeling of passion and overwhelming bliss that I knew was possible. I remember then that my root chakra activated but as the energy moved upward the second chakra expanded outward in a burst of energy that soon dulled and went out. I remember feeling disappointed and understanding I still had work to do. I then began to write a note to myself as I tried again to activate the second chakra.

“I’m going to let the eagle fly” I wrote. Then I read it back to myself, “Let the eagle fly”. And this caused me to giggle a little bit.

I felt a surge in my second chakra again and I acknowledged my guide/Higher Self and his assistance. But again the energy did not move but extinguished and became a dull pain in my right side. This, too, stopped very quickly and with that I awoke.

2nd2nd Chakra

Since I was unsure what exactly the 2nd chakra is all about, I had to also search for information about it. I recognized that it coincided with relationships in life, and that made sense to me, especially since I had been dreaming about family all night. However, the 2nd chakra is the passion and pleasure center, so it is much more than just relationships.

According to chakra-anatomy.com:

The gift of this chakra is experiencing our lives through feelings and sensations. The second chakra is the centre of feeling, emotion, pleasure, sensuality, intimacy, and connection.

The energy of this chakra allows you to let go, to move, and to feel change and transformation occurring within your body. It allows you to experience this moment as it is, in its own fullness.

The main challenge for the second chakra is the conditioning of our society. We live in a society where feelings are not valued, where passion, and emotional reactions are being frowned upon. We are being taught not to “loose control”. And we get disconnected from our bodies, our feelings.

The element of this chakra is water. And as I type this, I recall that I had a dream about water last night. In the dream, I looked out over a shallow sea. There were rocks beneath that surface that were visible and the water was crystal clear and still. It reminded me of a surreal scene from the Arctic or some other northern region. I looked across it and beyond and when I did, I recognized that there was emotion there that was ready to be experienced. Yet I did not walk into it. I thought, “I am not ready yet”.

And I am left with questions about why I am so reluctant to feel again; to allow myself pleasure and enjoyment of life. Perhaps it is because with pleasure comes pain? Am I trying to avoid pain by numbing myself of all that life has to offer? This makes sense and it makes me sad. I honestly do not know how to handle this problem. No wonder I felt so defeated when I woke up this morning.

Letting Go

I recognize also that the second chakra is about letting go. Surprise, surprise! The message I get most often is to “let go”. Now I know why I seem to never be able to. There are issues to be cleared here and that is what I/we are doing now. As my guide/Higher Self said to me the other day, “There is no progress without process”.

Let the eagle fly. It can only mean to me that I must release myself, my inner Spirit, from whatever constraints I have created. Let myself soar. Free myself from myself. If only it were that simple.