Tag Archives: lessons

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Past Life: Lesson from the 1800’s

Not long ago I asked my guidance to help me remember the karma I have with my current husband. I have been shown past lives of other individuals throughout this life, usually quite spontaneously, but when it come to my husbands not one glimpse has been given. It is like it is “hands off” when it comes to marriage relationships. Why? That is no fair! lol

Even after I divorced my first husband I was not shown past lives or given any information as to why we had agreed to be together. All I knew was that I had agreed to help him and him me. Strangely, I was able to perceive his future quite clearly to the point that he had no doubt I knew what I was talking about. He use to call me and ask me, “What do you see for me…?” lol I told him. And it happened. All of it.

So tell me, how is it that I can see my ex’s future, but not our past? Again, not fair!

So back to my current husband. It is obvious to me that we have a “contract” and I want nothing more than to fulfill my end. I feel that I can do that better if I have more information. How do I resolve my end of the deal? Please help me. This is what I asked my guidance.

Revelations from the 1800’s

This morning, after an OBE involving my husband (not coincidence I’m sure), I woke up and was directed to “listen”. I fell into the in-between and found myself in a very different scene and very obviously from a past life.

I was standing under a veranda. Behind me were green, rolling hills and a bright, cloudless day. The scene was reminiscent of Europe. It felt beautiful but the feeling was anything but – tense is an understatement. I was dressed in a flowing, light pink, corseted gown with ruffles around the hip area. I had a parasol by my side. I don’t recall what I looked like but I do recall who I was with.

To my left was a thin, lanky man with light hair. He was dressed nicely in a blue suit with a tie and leaned against a cane. I don’t know if he needed the cane but the feeling was he did. He had been sickly his whole life and was not very physically strong.

To my right was another man. He was very boisterous and loud. He was much taller than the other man. Muscular and in peak physical condition for his age – probably 20’s. I don’t remember what he looked like, my focus was mostly on the other man.

The boisterous man was my fiance and he was angry. Angry at the other man and telling him to stay away from me and have no further contact or else. He was pretty scary and ruthless. Insulting the other man. I remember him saying, “You have nothing, can give her nothing. You are nothing.” He went as far as to laugh at the other man. Everything my fiance did and said made me think less of him and more of the other man. I had nothing but love for the sickly man. In my eyes he was perfect just the way he was, sickly or not.

Understanding what I was seeing, I came out of the in-between but went back in not long after. This time it was Knowing of the outcome. I had ended my engagement with the angry man because I did not love him. I made this choice knowing what I would leave behind me – wealth, security, status. I chose to be with the sickly man because I loved him and to me it was worth it to be with him. I chose him knowing he did not have long to live. It was far better in my mind to be with someone I loved, even if briefly, than to spend my entire life with the other man (I wanted to say “with a bogart” but didn’t know what that meant. Turns out it is a bully or someone who refuses to share. lol). I also knew I had very little time with the one I loved, perhaps only a year before he died.

Considerations

Whether this is a past life with my husband or my ex, I don’t know. I have my suspicions, though. If this is a karmic lesson regarding my current husband, what does it mean? Does it mean I made the wrong decision? Or was it how I handled the situation? Or, perhaps, it is his karma and not mine, that is being resolved. If he is the aggressive fiance then perhaps he is here to learn how to let go? Hahaha okay not really funny.

I know with many who I have recalled past life and karmic connections with that I came to help them more than myself. For example, one man I had a relationship with murdered me and our son in a past life because he found out I had been cheating on him. He couldn’t bear the humiliation. In this life he cheated WITH me (lol) and so, in a sense, he walked in my shoes and so was able to see my perspective. What he did with that lesson, I don’t know, but at the time I Knew my role and was able to learn my own lessons from it.

These “contracts” are rarely what we perceive them to be and often times have many layers of lessons contained within them, lessons for both parties.

Whatever this memory means, at least if the woman is me I knew what I wanted and had the courage to go for it despite being aware of the loss involved.

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Revisiting 2006

 

I’ve been having this strange feeling that I am missing something, something that should be obvious. Kind of like I’m not seeing the forest for the trees. The feeling has been nagging me for over a week now. I hate being nagged!

In considering this feeling, I am reminded of the worst part of my Dark Night in 2005. What is happening now that corresponds to what happened then?

There are major difference, of course. I was unemployed in 2005 time and had hit rock bottom. Though I am unemployed now, it is by choice and I am by no means near rock bottom.  The depression in 2005 was the worst ever. It seemed I never stopped crying and no path, no option seemed attractive to me. So I stayed stuck and dug myself deeper into the pit of despair. Currently, I would not call what I am experiencing as depression. It is melancholy sometimes and definitely lack of motivation, but nothing like what I experienced in 2005.

The similarities are that I am resisting movement toward a certain path. Back then, it was the path away from my spiritual calling and it infuriated me that I would be asked to go back to teaching. I refused and as long as I did so, I was miserable. I had episodes that scared the bejesus out of me as well. So much that I ended up seeking out a psychiatrist who said I was having psychotic breaks and was Bipolar (lol). Thankfully, now the resistance is not manifesting so traumatically. Plus, the movement is back toward a spiritual path. I should be jumping for joy, but I’m not. Instead, I am resisting. I’m super suspicious,  wondering if my guidance is leading me down the rabbit hole once again. Been there, done that, don’t wanna go back to that if I can avoid it. Back then I called it “delusions of grandeur”. haha

The primary difference between now and then is that this time my heart is online. It is strikingly obvious to me, though, that my reaction to the coming change in direction of my life is almost identical. I’m afraid of change. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of failure. Afraid to believe that maybe, just maybe I will get what I’ve always wanted. Huh?

2006

I read recently that astrologically, this year corresponds to 2006. The life issues and lessons you did not successfully learn or that still need some learning will come up for re-inspection. I suspect this is why memories of the Fall of 2005 are returning to me. It’s a heads up. Hey, you, looks like you didn’t finish this there issue. Time to pay the piper. lol

2006 was a pretty good year. I reluctantly (more like forced to) followed my guidance and got a teaching job, relocated, lived on my own and began to rebuild my life. I learned that I enjoyed being single (hey hey!) and after multiple lame relationships decided I didn’t need anyone but myself. No more men. No more BS. lol And I integrated the spiritual back into my life despite the fact that I had been led to discard it. I recognized that just because I was being led to work a mundane job did not mean I had to stop being spiritual or doing what I enjoyed.

I wouldn’t say I had beaten the Dark Night but in 2006 I was definitely emerging back into the light. Finding my footing. Reconnecting with mySelf. By that December I was in my own Power more than any other time in my life. Pretty awesome, huh?

So it has me wondering, what exactly am I needing to tweak from 2005-2006? Obviously, there is the “follow your heart” message. Got that one loud and clear. In 2005 it nearly drowned me to resist where I was being led. Damn I am stubborn. lol

The being alone, being at peace with aloneness lesson was well-learned. In fact, I would love to learn that one again. Meaning? Probably not a lesson this time around. Ha! Thinking it may be a lesson in reverse considering I have been in cave mode so long. How many people and energies does it take to break me? One? Hahaha

And the “done with men” lesson? Hmmm Not sure there. Maybe still needs some tweaking. lol In looking at it more carefully, though, I think that lesson was more standing in my own power and not thinking I somehow needed a man in my life. Feeling I do need to revisit that one. I just need to remember what my own Power feels like and not give it away so willingly. (OMG thinking I will cry now that I am re-reading this part)

The other lesson is balance. Balancing the spiritual and mundane in my life, specifically career-wise. It CAN be done. I did it. Successfully. Had I not met my now husband in 2007 I would probably have continued to do it successfully. I suspect my spiritual business would have made the same or more money as my teaching job back then had I continued with it. Instead, I chose to dump it altogether. The idea of starting a family won out over my spiritual goals and aspirations. At the time, it seemed to be the path I was suppose to take and I have no doubt it was now. And yeah, I chose to go all-out 3D. Sucker! 🙂

So there is likely a return to that lesson coming as well. Hmmm. And there was with that a taste of the unexpected. The universe brought to me what I needed and I didn’t even know I needed/wanted it.

I also learned that when you don’t resist the path you are meant to be on, the universe provides in abundance. When I accepted I was to return to teaching I was offered work without even having to put forth much effort. It actually irritated me back then because, well, I didn’t want to be on that path. lol

Okay, well I think that is it but maybe more will reveal itself in time. A lot happened in 2006. I grew exponentially – by leaps upon leaps and bounds. Perhaps remembering this is to give me strength for the coming year. Remember I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and thrived despite myself, so I can do it again if need be. <—–BINGO.

 

 

 

 

 

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Noticing

Another lesson of the OBE is on noticing. I am still learning it, still integrating it, but I want to share with you what I have realized thus far.

While OOB, I learned early on never to focus too much on anything while in the astral. To focus on something too long resulted in a loss of energy and ultimately a shift back into my physical body. I did not want that, of course, so I stopped focusing on things and learned quickly how to maintain a projection for hours.

It occurred to me just a couple of days ago that noticing is also used in meditation quite often. You are to “notice” the thoughts that enter your mind but then let them pass. You did this by not looking at them which in turns leads to focusing on them which in turn can lead to falling into a movie in your head (dream) and ultimately falling asleep. Have you ever done this while meditating? Then you failed to just “notice” your thoughts. I fall asleep all the time in my meditations. Then I end up OOB when I run into the noticing problem head-on. Oh, look a talking horse. Don’t notice. Don’t notice. Crap. I noticed! Back in my body. LOL

What I have realized from over 13 years of astral projection is that I was shown how much I tend to fixate on things. As I became more aware of this while OOB, I noticed how my energy seemed to be sucked out of me when I was focused on something or someone in my projection. At first I thought it was just me losing lucidity and so I would try to look at my hands or say, “Clarity now”. But this didn’t always work. You might ask, “Wouldn’t looking at your hands be focusing?” Yes and no. Yes you are putting your attention on something, but since it is your own hand and familiar and not out of the ordinary to your perception of reality, it serves to stabilize your energy. Also, what I have learned about focusing in the astral is that your energy is sent to that which you focus upon. If you are focusing on yourself/astral body, well then your build your energy (if that makes sense).

It is the same in waking life, just the energy dynamics are less noticeable. If you know what to look for, though, you can feel the energy exchange as it occurs. I have felt it.

This is the example I gave my husband when I was telling him about my realization:

When you are driving down the highway, you notice the environment – the cars, the signs, the road, the weather, etc. You do not focus on these things, you just notice them. You notice until something is not right then you focus when you have to on that particular thing. So if a car swerved into your path, you would focus on it for that instant and react as needed and then return to noticing.

If you were to instead focus on something purposefully while driving, you would find your perception altered as your energy shifted toward that thing. For example, have you ever been a passenger and focused on the wheels of a car driving next to you? What happens to your perception of your movement or the other car’s movement? In my experience, it always feels like I am getting closer to that car or the other car is swerving into our lane, when in reality neither is happening. It always freaks me out so I don’t do that anymore. lol

So this conversation got the attention of my husband (yay for small victories!). He has a work situation that this applies to. He recognized that his focus on his boss exhausts him. He feels his energy snuffed out when he interacts with her. He understood it was because he was focusing on her too much rather than just taking notice of her. To take notice of a human (ha just caught this! why did I write human?) is to look at them without judgement; to see them as they are and allow them to be that while allowing you to be you. The energy does not intermix.

It’s all a lesson on controlling your own energy (Self). It can be applied to all life situations which involve the exchange of energy. It also works in considering one’s resistance to things/people/situations.

The saying, “That which you resist, persists” stems from the noticing lesson, also. To resist something means you are putting your energy into resisting (fixating). Pushing against the energy. Sometimes even creating a ridge of energy (if you can imagine a mountain this is how it feels) to hold back the person/situation/thing. In a projection, resistance results in the loss of energy just like focus does. It is focus on avoidance.

I know this is a lot to digest. Even I am probably over thinking it, but I can see how it all connects and it is fascinating to me. All of it, everything we do, everything we are is energy. I will be more cognizant of my energy in the coming days. What am I giving away my energy to? Does it serve me to do so? If not, I need to reign it in.

 

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Lucid to OBE: Sometimes You Want Cereal

After noting a friend’s success at using B-Complex to induce a lucid dream, I decided to try taking it right before bed.

I use to take B-Complex every night before bed but it began to interrupt my sleep, so I stopped. No surprise, it interrupted my sleep! I woke every 2 hours, each time looking at the clock and swearing I had slept an entire night. Upon my last waking at 4am I pleaded with my guides. “Please let me at least get something out of this. At least a lucid dream?”

Wish granted.

Becoming Lucid: Old Flame in my Bed!

I became aware of a man in my bed. I turned and saw it was an ex-boyfriend!

Brief Explanation – This relationship had been like no other. There was an awesome chemistry – a chemistry that turned me into some kind of sex-crazed idiot (not joking!). in 2003 I had asked my guide to send him. I wanted to experience such a chemistry. Did I ever get it! I also experienced for the first and only time in my life the worse jealousy ever! I wish it on no one!

Dream

Noting who was in my bed, I slid out and looked at him. He looked as I remembered and I remembered A LOT! I did not touch him. Instead I was conversing with my guide. I knew a part of me was observing and that this was a rendering of my subconscious. I remember saying, “I wish I felt like that again!”

A woman I did not know came into the room and began to play with his male part. I got furious and yelled at her saying, “This is the only time I get to see him! You get him all the time! Get out!”. She left.

I then conversed some more with my guide who I didn’t see but knew was there. I remember wearing a belt and taking it and all my clothes off. I talked as I went outside the bedroom, which was my old room at my Mom’s house. There was a staircase going up. I walked up it but it suddenly collapsed upon itself and I slid down to the bottom. There was another staircase coming down and it was chained off – unsafe. I remember hearing from my guide that I could not go up until it was repaired. Looking back on it, I understand. It would have led me to higher levels and I was not yet ready to go there.

I went into my Mom’s bathroom and noted it was misshapen. The room stretched and moved with me in it. I felt like I was tripping! The golden color of the bathroom and the misplacement of the furniture began to bring on lucidity. I began looking for a ponytail holder and the drawers were too clean and organized. Then I knew: I was dreaming!

OBE: Can’t Breathe!

Feeling my body, I exited quickly and found myself in a dark, enclosed space. I suddenly felt I could not breathe and noticed that I was enclosed inside a fabric bag of some sort. I could see a tiny, pinprick of white light through a corner of it – a buttonhole! The claustrophobia was so real! I squelched the panic and told myself it was my fear doing this. I did not want this experience!

OBE: Sometimes You Want Cereal

Immediately the room disappeared and I was in my body feeling vibrations. I exited in one fluid motion and found myself in a dark room full of shadows. To my left there was a golden light and as I looked I saw it was coming from an entire wall of windows. They were shuttered but still the light shown through. I knew I needed to go out there!

I pushed through one of the shuttered windows and went outside. I found myself in my mother’s front yard looking out on many cars parked along the road. I remember thinking, “It’s not bright enough out here!” It was twilight, so there was light but it was muted.

As if to continue the lucid dream, I thought, “There’s a party. That makes sense. He liked parties”. I began to search for his vehicle. I saw an old, white 1970 Ford pickup. Inside was sitting a middle-aged man with a salt-and-pepper beard. I knew him!

I went up to the pickup and felt my middle son lagging behind me. When I saw the man he got out of the truck. He was beautiful despite being “older”. He reminded me of someone but I could not place him.

I asked him and my son, “Do you want to fly?” I reached out and grabbed both their hand’s. As we lifted up, I turned to the man and hugged him tightly. Then I thought, “What’s his name?” I heard an answer in my mind, “Robert”. I had asked my question aloud – “What’s your name?” – when I thought it and the man responded, “Robert” right after I heard it in my mind.

Happy that I had met Robert (my guide), we soared up into the sky. As I felt us rise, my vision blacked out but I was talking to Robert. I wondered, “Why was I dreaming about my ex? Why don’t I want to be with my husband?”

I then saw in my mind an image of a bowl of oatmeal. I stirred it with a spoon but did not want to eat it. Robert said to me, “Sometimes, when all you’ve had is oatmeal, you want cereal”. LOL (Still laughing about this comment).

OBE: It’s Your Birthday!

I felt the subtle vibrations of my body and willed myself back. This time I found myself standing in front of the hallway bathroom looking at my ex. The door was open and he didn’t have a shirt on. I walked up to him and realized I was holding a bowl of cereal (ha!). He turned and his face was covered in white powder. I handed him the bowl of cereal and he took it.

Then we went into the kitchen. There was a Simpson’s toy contraption on the table and I found out he had gotten it for me. I kept watching him and thinking that he had come to see me after all these years. I wished he would stay but felt nothing for him – no love, no desire, nothing. It is foggy now but I recall recognizing his selfishness and that I didn’t like that about him.

Then my Mom presented me with a sequined, silver and black, sleeveless jacket. I oo’d and aw’ed when I saw it and I heard my ex say, “Isn’t that kind of cheap?” I remember then that he would never allow me to appear “slutty”. He was very worried about appearances yet he wanted a slut as his girlfriend. I was not like that and never would have been happy with him. He would have sought to control me in every way.

My Mom mentioned it was my birthday and this confused me. “It’s not my birthday”, I said. She said, “Isn’t it?” I recall being a bit confused here and trying to decide which birthday was my birthday. She asked me, “When is your birthday? I forgot”. I said, “July 3rd” but I knew in “reality” my birthday was a whole month later.

It was then suggested that we go fishing. Me, my ex, and my two oldest children flew out the back window to a large lake. We landed on its banks and I saw the white bones of some kind of animal. It had died there. I saw also that I could see right to the bottom of the dark waters. I cautioned all of them, “Be still, the fish will see you!”

As my ex fished, my children began to ride their bikes over the water. I thought, “He’s never going to catch anything if the lake is that shallow”.

Considerations

This experience was interesting. It was like I was watching my dream as the observer. The lucid dream was interesting. The bathroom warping like that was the coolest! I felt like I was looking into one of those carnival mirrors but actually IN it!

The realizations I had were included in the account. I was contemplating an issue I have been having – feeling more like my husband’s friend than his lover. I actually am happy the way it is – it is comfortable. Yet in the dream I am exploring another part of me, one that wants more and wants to create that in my life. I looked back on an old relationship and recognized it was not what I wanted – how it could have been. I even think that I returned to an alternate life, one in which I made different choices.

The last part about the lake is the perfect description of my relationship with my ex. It is dead. He was too shallow for me.

I also can’t stop laughing about Robert’s comment! I also won’t forget his face. So handsome and familiar.

I want to add that meeting up with him allowed me to compare how Robert feels to how E’Fonin feels. They are VERY different. Robert communicates to me from the right. His communication is subtle and comfortable. E’Fonin communicates from all around – it is as if he surrounds me completely. And he feels HUGE and magnificent, like I am being visited by God or an Angel. His presence seems announced in such a way that I am instantly attentive. He cannot be ignored as easily as Robert. And the energy that comes with E’Fonin is beautiful. I want to melt into my bed. They are SO different!

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A Voice and a Lesson

This has been an interesting day. It has really been pretty boring and mundane all in all…….except that I have had communication from my Team or someone from my Team most of the day. Along with this communication has come learning and information that was unexpected.

Lesson: Management of Thought

The day seems to have been an entire lesson on the workings of the human mind, or at least my human mind anyway.

It all began when a little voice interrupted my doubtful or negative thoughts. I recall the exact moment when I first recognized I was being spoken to. I had considered just selling all of my sewing kits and then throwing in the towel. “It’s too much work” was the last thing I thought.

The voice said, “Follow it through. Remember your intention (memory triggered) and go there. Persistence. Be the moment”.

Silence followed as I absorbed what I was told and recalled the image in my mind from the exact moment when I had the idea to start my business. This “image” was important. I needed to continually refer to that memory and then let it be the last thing I think about, tossing out all doubts and disappointments.

There was more. I was told to push past the pitfalls. Nothing is accomplished without a little elbow grease. Greatness is achieved not by those who know all but by those who seek to know what they do not.

I was reminded of Abraham Lincoln specifically. Try, try, try again. Build upon the knowledge you gain. Push past the failures. Ride over the bumps.

Throughout the day, I kept wanting to go back to the dismal thinking, the “woe-is-me” attitude. I honestly don’t know why I kept doing this. I was told it was because I thought it was what I was suppose to do. Interesting.

This continued on and off all day. The more it happened, the less I fell into the depressing, defeatist views and the more I focused on the moment.

When I noticed my mind was clearing, I heard the voice again. “Imagine complete clarity”. He let it settle in. It was hard to imagine but I think I got the gist of it. He continued saying, “That is how you will be”.

Now that I have time to reflect on today, I recognize that I was being taught about how my mind works and how to control it. I was being shown how to manifest by focusing back on my original intent rather than allowing myself to go off the path into doubt and fear. In the moments when I was being spoken to, I felt as both the experiencer and the observer at the same time. Very similar to some of my OBEs.

The Voice

There was always a feeling that accompanied this voice. The feeling was similar to how a student feels when their teacher is asking them questions in front of the class or teaching them something one-on-one. But it was not a feeling of subservience or of being any less than the teacher. It was more of a reverence; an understanding that I was hearing wisdom and needed to absorb as much of it as I could.

When I asked who the voice was, I got a very complicated name that I have lost now. It was definitely not a name I have ever heard in this life. What is funny is that as soon as I heard it I said, “Oh yeah. I’ll never get that one”. I knew it was pointless to even try to remember it. So I didn’t.

Regardless of who this voice belongs to, I know he is male and I know that he is one of my mentors. The sense I got was that he has come ahead of something else – as if he is preparing me for something that is to come. The closest thing to the feeling I got with him around me was from this past May. I have been asking for that to return. Perhaps something like it is coming?

And he is still here, though currently much more silent. His arrival was preceded by strong crown chakra this morning. This is also similar to how things began in May.

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Dichotomy

Lots of change happening. First off, on the first day school resumed after summer break my morning started off with news that my sister-in-law had gone into labor five weeks early. I knew that meant I would likely have to leave work early and I did. Then I had to change my schedule because they kept mom and baby in the hospital for observation. I guess they do that when baby is really early. So today was my first full day back at work. Thank goodness I can change my schedule!

The day was busy, but not hectic. I had sent out a form in Google Docs, the first ever and I really like it! Anyway, I had four referrals and so had to follow up on each of them. In addition I had some other things to do and so the day filled up fast.

What is memorable about this day, though, is the last minute referral of a student who had been crying nonstop since Monday. When I went to see him I knew he was struggling and when he saw me his eyes immediately filled with tears. We went for a walk and chatted and I listened and felt such overwhelming love for him and his predicament. I understood him and I wanted to make him better yet at the same time I was somewhat detached and calm. In a way, I think this detachment helped me help him better because by the end of my time with him he was calm and I could tell a heavy burden had been lifted from him. I gave him hope and in that I think was the biggest gift I could have given him.

I didn’t realize this, of course, until I was on my way home over an hour later. It suddenly hit me then all at once and my heart overflowed for him. His mother had written me and told me thank you – that he was so much better for talking to me – but that wasn’t it. I understood him because I had been him so many, many years ago in my youth when I was nearly his same age. How horrible to have all that one believes to be solid and true in their life snatched away and smashed to bits. That is what his world is now and what mine had been so many years before. I had no one and was not nearly as receptive as he.

And I know he will be alright and I think that is the best feeling ever.

78

All this happened before I thought about the significance of a number I received in my dreams last night. I was discussing the years 1978-1979 for some reason. I remember recognizing that I had already been born and speaking the year 1978 as if I were trying to figure out what was going on. The number returned after today’s events and so I looked it up.

The number says that one has reached a balance between the spiritual and the mundane and with this comes an inner peace and joy as well as material abundance.

When I read the meaning of this number I knew that my experiences today were significant. For the first time in a very long time I felt true heart emotional connection to my work. The overflow I felt has not been felt by me since around the time of my daughter’s birth. I have been blocked to my work and my connection with those I worked with since then. Yet today I felt it again. It spilled out of me and was not sorrow but a mixture of emotions that are indescribable and beautiful. I felt a true connection and purpose that I had all but given up on.

All I can say is that sometimes I feel that a part of me never gives up on me yet at the same time another part of me wishes only to destroy my only chance at happiness. How strange to be so dichotomous. I wonder how I have made it this far at all.

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OBE: Practicing Multidimensionality

After the weird sleep paralysis episode and then being engaged in a lesson about confronting death, I went OOB three times.

Two Short Projections

I found myself in a semi-lucid dream in which I was watching a town full of people who had gone crazy. They were all starting fires within their community and nothing seemed to break them from the trance they were in.

I then shifted into a room and which I was talking to a massive Great Dane. He was as tall as me but I was a dwarf and male. We were discussing the issues of the world, specifically a war and the devastating results of it. We eventually decided that we needed to change bodies. I went into his and he into mine. He then took a large carpet and wrapped me inside of it. At this point I remember trying to figure out who I was. Was I the dog or the man?

This is when I became aware of the vibrations which were intense. My body felt to be jumping and I wondered briefly if I were really awake.

I decided to sit up and get out of my body. When I did, I worried I would sit up physically and stop the projection. It felt so real!

Thankfully, I was able to get up and I went out of the bedroom. I immediately began to chant, “OM”. Unfortunately, it did not have the affect I wanted and I was pulled unevenly back into my body.

Upon re-entry I heard my guide say, “Not now” in reference to me wanting to go back to the place where I had met up with my Team the last time I projected. I understood why. We were practicing something, but I could not remember what.

Not long afterward, I projected again, sitting up out of my body like I did before. This time I did not chant but thought that I wanted to go to a higher level than I had previously been on. I ended up walking on soft grass. Unfortunately, my vision was inhibited but it did slowly begin to clear and I could make out a tall tree in the center of the grass field I was in. I touched it and said aloud, “Ok, what did you want to tell me?”

I got no response and my vision quickly faded out.

Practicing Multidimensionality

When I came back to my body I once again felt the weird shaking vibrations. This time I could also distinctly feel energy spots on my body and there was a sense that I was being adjusted and worked upon.

I projected quite easily after that, just popping out of my body and moving directly out of my bedroom to the area just above the stairs. I couldn’t see again but wanted to float down to the first floor. I jumped up and looked over the side and for a moment thought, “I will fall”. There was a thought in response that said, “But I can fly”.

I successfully floated down and landed in the living area and my vision turned on crisply. I saw my husband and daughter and could also see my youngest. When I saw them, they greeted me. My daughter said, “Mommy!” I said to her, “Want to come with me?” She said, “Yes!”

Eagerly, she ran to the front door and threw it open. She was out of it before I could catch up.

I went outside and it was a brilliant day with bright blue skies, puffy clouds and vividly green trees. It resembled very much our neighborhood. Oddly, it was horribly windy, so much so that the wind hit us with tons of resistance making it hard to stay stable.

My husband came out behind me and I watched as my daughter propelled herself into the air and reached her hand out to me. I jumped up, flying toward her, and grabbed her hand. I looked back and my husband was heading the opposite direction on foot. He left the door open and I almost said to him, “Shut the door, Elek will get out” and then I remembered, “Even if he does, it won’t matter, he can’t get hurt here”.

I continued on with my daughter and we flew up above the treetops. I felt a tugging on my other arm and looked back. There she was pulling me the other way. There were two of her! I laughed and pulled the other her along with us as we soared down the streets.

The wind was still blowing fiercely and there was a thought that came with my inspection of it, “It is your body. You are sensing the vibrations”. And I knew suddenly that I was both experiencing this astral experience while also experiencing what my body was experiencing. I was in two places at once.

I then saw a woman place something on her front door step and shut the door. Curious, I began to move toward the house but felt, “No”. I ignored it, though, and kept going to the door. My vision darkened and I was back in my body which was shifting violently with vibrations. If I had not known what the vibrations were I would have thought I was having a seizure.

After this projection I heard my guide say, “You should get up now and write this down”. I didn’t though. I lay there for some time enjoying the energy blanket, surprised that I was able to remember everything that happened.

by

Lesson: Overcoming the Fear of Death

After the weird episode of sleep paralysis, my guide was close and instructing me. Unfortunately, I don’t recall everything we discussed as I was in and out of a state that is hard to describe.

I remember being told I would project. I then began to feel odd energy sensations indicative of the trance state except that there was the familiar Kundalini energy sensations as well. I had the energy helmet over my head and my chakras were lit up from my second all the way to my crown. Oddly, the root was not lit up at all. There was confirmation that it would be soon, though, just not at this point or this night.

I went into an in-between state several times after that.

Discussing Fear

I recall standing on the top of a vast mountain range looking out on a beautiful valley that spread for miles. The colors were vibrant and it looked like someone had taken a paintbrush full of every color imaginable and painted the scenery. Fantastically beautiful!

Next to me was my guide and we were discussing fear. It was explained to me that we were to practice confronting one of my last fears. This fear was interfering with my progress.

I said to him, “I am sorry”.

He replied, “It will be easy”.

I looked out on the scene in front of me and the reality took my breathe away. It felt like I was OOB yet there was a different element to it that I couldn’t put my finger on. I began to wonder, “Where are we?” Something in my questioning took me out of this beautiful, serene place and back to my physical awareness.

I was then told there was work to be done and to think of a place that made me happy. I began to think of the mountains and tried to recall the peace and serenity I had just had, but it was hard. The energy sensations then returned and I felt the horizontal and vertical vibrations that have been the norm for me lately.

Viewing and Experiencing Death

Then next thing I remember was both watching and experiencing the death of a man. The man was laying prone, arms and legs spread, as if he had been hit hard and knocked backward to the ground. I remember he was wearing a white shirt and that he was struggling to breathe. I assumed he was either gunshot or hit with something that damaged his chest area.

What is odd here is that I experienced the man’s death as if it were my own. The strange gasping for breath and the feeling of the life draining out of me. I was choking on my own blood. It felt similar to drowning. Not pleasant at all.

I had feelings during this time similar to the feelings I have been having the past several days in which I feel propelled from my body except here I was allowed to see the predecessor to it.

To not want to die; to leave the body by force because the body is dead creates all kinds of distress for the individual inhabiting the body.

Again I felt to be OOB but there was something different about it that was noticeable but indescribable.

I came back to my physical awareness from wherever I had been experiencing this and my guide said, “Death happens to everyone”.

I responded, “I know”.

A part of me worried I was being prepared for death.

He said, “Not that kind of death”.

My thoughts continued on in this direction, trying to put together all of the experiences I had had up to that point. Was I being possessed? Where would I go when I left my body? Would I come back?

I remember hearing responses amidst my questions.

“Death is only the beginning. You must be free of this fear. There can be no resistance”.

I understood what he was referring to. It was the energy swap. Any resistance would hinder the transfer. Fear results in resistance.

I didn’t even know I feared death.

by

Abandoned Buses

I finished reading my journal last night. I read many, many entries in which my guide/Higher Self makes it clear to me why I astral project and what I am learning about myself. One of the lessons I learned was to love myself, specifically to love being WITH myself and stop seeking out another to make me whole. Another lesson was how to manifest what I wanted in life. I did both and more the following year – that year I built my house, met my current husband, got married, and got pregnant with my first child.

When I went to bed I felt I had accomplished a great deal from 2003-2007. I am proud of myself! I decided to set the intention to use future astral projections as I had been instructed time after time in my journal – to learn about myself, to heal and to help others.

Abandoned Buses

I woke up early this morning and then tried to return to sleep. I felt wonderful, so this was hard. I finally dozed off and found myself lucid laying in my bed listening to a group of people talking. I was aware that they were sitting on the bed next to me. The scene was shifting and colored with gray and white. It was like watching an old black and white television show.

I instantly knew I was “in-between” (which I now understand to be one of the lower levels of the etheric). I closed my eyes and mentally stated, “I want to astral”. As soon as I said this, I felt the subtle vibrations wash over me and then intensify in the center of my body. I knew the timing was right and I willed myself out of my body.

I immediately floated upward slightly and knew that the “people” who had just been around me talking would be gone. When I looked around, they were, of course, gone. I saw that I was in my room, the messed up covers of the bed below/next to me, and my vision was bright and clear. The room had a golden-yellow glow that seemed to radiate a soft warmth. The overall energy was nice.

I moved into the upstairs living room and paused. I remembered my decision to let my Higher Self guide me through my OBEs from now on. So I tuned into this part of me and asked, “What do you want me to do?” I heard a nearly undetectable reply, “I want you to see yourself”. I replied, “Ok”. I didn’t ask how because as soon as I wondered about it I felt I needed to pay attention to what I saw and experienced in this projection.

I leaned over the railings of the upstairs and looked down below me at the downstairs living area. I saw toys strewn all over the floor! It looked like a messed up jigsaw puzzle of toys! They were very brightly colored, too. I saw them, took note of them and knew that in waking life this mess would have made me unsettled. I decided not to let them bother me while in astral and jumped over the railings to go down stairs.

I felt my energy was low and so stated, “More energy”. The energy settled and seemed to solidify and I drifted down to the floor. I instantly went toward the kitchen to the double doors that lead outside. I don’t even recall being IN the kitchen, though. It seemed I instantly just appeared outside the house.

I do recall going through the two doors because they seemed so white and opened up by themselves. I knew as I went through them that they would lead me somewhere else, somewhere that was not my back yard.

I instantly saw green grass and as I moved along it I topped a hill. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a yellow school bus parked to my right. When I saw it I felt I should investigate but I was not interested and immediately chose to explore the hill. Over the top of the hill was this magnificent valley that stretched for miles and miles. It was vividly green with triangular shaped stones that looked like mini mountain tops scattered all across it. The sky above was blue, pink, white and yellow and reminded me of a sunrise. At first I thought they were mountains but upon further inspection they were actually small stones and the scene appeared similar to scenes I’ve seen in movies of Scotland.

Greyhound_bus_on_the_way_to_Washington-2I looked around and saw that there was a small pond that was dotted with mounds of earth as if it was low on water. I went to investigate it. I attempted to fly and found it difficult so I said, “More energy” and was able to lift up enough to fly down. When I got to the pond I saw a Greyhound bus parked seemingly IN the pond. I ignored it but did not miss the fact that it was there. I just wasn’t interested in the bus for some reason.

I got to the pond and immediately got into the water. The water was muddy and stagnant but I didn’t care. Then I took handfuls of the gritty water and washed my face with it. I could feel the sand and grit on my face and I smiled and put more on my face. I remember thinking, “Why am I doing this?” and then thinking, “Because I want to”. I tried not to over analyze it but in hindsight believe there is significance to everything in this experience.

I got up out of the water and looked up the hill. I could see a cabin hidden behind the trees and make out a parking lot and a woman walking toward the cabin. She was somewhat overweight and reminded me of the woman I saw in my OBE two days ago. I then looked toward the cabin and saw a shower out in the open. It was one of those really high tech spa showers with jets that hit your body at the top and middle. The chrome of the jets shown vividly as did the teak wood of the shower itself.

I got this ominous feeling and tried to control it. I don’t know where it came from but it hit me when I considered going up and talking to the woman. I recognized there was fear there and since it made no sense it threw me enough that I was pulled back to my body.

I again ran into a rocky reentry but it wasn’t as bad as last time. My heart was pounding again but settled down faster and I was able to move without any problem.

Factors Influencing Projection

Lucidity scale: 8

Intent stated?: Yes

Time to bed: 10pm

Time to wake: 5:30am

Meditation?: No

Physical Exercise?: Yes

Mood: normal

Body: Lower back and pelvic area aching

Tiredness: Low

Number of wakings: 1

Technique?: No

Sleeping position: Left side

Supplements: Multivitamin, Natural Calm 400mg, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Biotin 1000mg, Vitamin E 400mg, Evening Primrose Oil 1300mg

by

Facade

I awoke at 4am. I don’t remember my dreams but I do remember “thinking” from within a dream-like state. I was remembering and replaying in my mind a memory from a long time ago.

It was the day our senior class voted on various items prior to graduation. All 33 of us gathered in a small classroom and Mr. F stood in front of the class and began explaining all the slots that needed to be voted upon. First up was the “Most likely to Succeed” category for one male and one female senior. Every year these spots went to the class Valedictorian and Salutatorian if they were male and female. I expected to be nominated when my name was called. I did not expect for someone to nominate my best friend who was 4th in rank. I also did not expect her to accept the nomination.

I remember a classmate of mine looking my way and raising her eyebrows. She knew what was going on. Everyone did. The person who had nominated my best friend was a girl who had hated me ever since middle school when I had called her out in front of the entire class for attempting to cheat off my Algebra test. Unfortunately for me, she was a very popular girl. Not only was she beautiful (flawless good looks) but she was also a cheerleader and the leader of the “popular” girl group. All the boys drooled over her but most girls secretly hated her. I was one of the few to voice my disapproval of her. This was common for me. I rarely kept my opinions to myself. Unfortunately for me, this created in her a huge enemy and she often badmouthed me to others.

When my best friend agreed to the nomination, I knew she would win. Everyone liked my best friend. Few really liked me. In fact, I had no other close friends. My heart sunk a little because I was certain this meant a humiliation was coming for me. I thought about withdrawing but I had hope that my best friend would withdraw her nomination at the last minute. I held my breath as we were sent outside during the vote.

As we waited outside, I looked at my best friend who smiled at me. I asked her why she accepted the nomination. She said, “Why wouldn’t I?” I was surprised by her candor and lack of consideration of my emotions. This was unlike her. I told her, “You know you will win”. She just smiled and said, “We’ll see”.

When we went inside, I already knew the outcome. The popular group, led by the girl who had hated me since middle school, clapped loudly and congratulated my best friend. I sat down without looking in their direction and quietly looked toward the front of the room. The girl who had looked at me with suspicion earlier told me, “I tried to get them to vote for you, but she kept arguing against it. I’m sorry. You deserved it”. She put her hand on my shoulder to offer me her sympathy. I also felt the eyes of several others looking in my direction. I fought back tears as I looked past the girl and ignored the looks of everyone else. I knew if I looked that I would cry and I could not let them see that and win.

We continued to vote, but it was all a blur to me for the most part. I numbly participated and continued to get comments from the girl next to me about how unfairly I was treated. I wanted to crumple into a heap on the floor, but I stood my ground and held it all in. I really, really hated that girl!

When it came time for the class moto, no one had any ideas. I was wearing a t-shirt that day with a cartoon of a fish being hooked by a fishing pole. It said, “So far, so good” on it. The girl who hated me since middle school pointed at my shirt and said to everyone, “How about what her shirt says?” Of course, everyone loved the idea and it instantly became the class moto. I was a bit surprised by this. Why would that nasty girl do that? Was she trying to look good to everyone else because she knew people were thinking she potentially swayed the earlier vote? Did she feel guilty or was she just caring about how she looked? Most likely the latter.

When we were finished, I left the room and waited for my best friend outside of it. I asked her why she accepted the nomination, explaining the girl was obviously trying to create a conflict between us. She seemed surprised and a bit condescending when she responded, “Why wouldn’t I? Did you think I would step down? They thought I deserved it.” I got a bit upset with her and said, “It was supposed to go to me and you know it” and walked away without giving her a chance to respond. I noticed that one of the girls she had been hanging out with approached as I was leaving.

That was in the spring prior to graduation. I had noticed a gradual distancing from me that started after the Christmas holiday. At first it was not too noticeable but eventually it became obvious. She began to call me less and less frequently. When I inquired about it she would tell me that she did something with a girl who was a grade level below us. This girl was known to smoke pot and drink. When I inquired why we were not hanging out as much she said, “I want to meet new people”. I remember thinking that she was being nice but really just didn’t want to be my friend. I pushed the thought away and did not allow myself to angry. I decided I would just hang out with other people, too. So I started working more and spending more time with my coworkers who were also students.

What was most upsetting was that we had chosen the same school to go to. I should have changed schools the minute she began to avoid conversations about going to school together. I didn’t even attempt to room with her. Through the summer we still hung out, but she was hot and cold about our friendship, as if she wasn’t yet sure if she wanted to still be friends. Once school started, I bumped into her during registration and she completely gave me the cold shoulder and acted like she didn’t even know me. I remember feeling like a complete fool. I finally got the message that I was on my own for my first year of college. A few times we saw each other on campus. She told me she was sorry and continued to explain her actions away as being related to her trying to “find herself”. She hung out with people totally different from me, so it really didn’t matter by then. Plus, she continued to hang out with people who did drugs and a few times told me of her one-night-stands. I was not into that kind of thing.

When I awoke, I entered a moment of intense grieving over the memory. I have often wondered what happened. She has apologized to me several times, saying she was “confused” and that the divorce of her parents put her into a tailspin. I accepted this as I really just wanted my friend back, but I knew I would never fully trust her again.

As I thought about this, I recalled her once telling me why she continued to be friends with a girl who was horribly self-centered and treated others as objects. She told me, “I feel sorry for her”. That statement has long stayed with me, but I never knew why.

Then I wondered, perhaps she was friends with me because she felt sorry for me? I was always very blunt and opinionated growing up. I did not like it when people blindly followed others and felt I had to point out to them the fault in that. It often isolated me from others and by high school I had no true friends of my own.

Perhaps she felt she could help me, too? She often described herself as a “giver” and one time told me that she attracted “takers” into her life. I, of course, assumed I must be a “taker” since we were friends. All of a sudden, I recognized this to be totally untrue about myself. I gave so much to her. I loved her like family and would have done anything for her. The fact is, that she was as much a taker as a giver and that, at some point, I did not give her enough to satisfy her.

I became suddenly very angry at her. I began to cuss her out in my mind and eventually the emotional hurt dissipated. The anger did not last, though, as I remembered that we were both playing our pre-determined roles. I distanced myself from that role and looked upon our friendship as an observer would. A peace fell over me as I successfully disconnected from the memory.

I saw why I was the way I was in high school. I recognized that I am still much like that young girl. I still separate myself from groups. I still bluntly point out or criticize others who do not fit my own ideals. I continue to not have many friends. I continue to travel my own path, often very alone and isolated from others. I seem to just not fit in and the more that this occurs, the more I resent those who do. This further isolates me from others as it keeps me from finding any connections with them. I always assume they will not like me, so they don’t. I justify my continued self-imposed isolation by pointing out the failures and shortfalls of others. This cycle is a continued cycle of self-suppression. I do not like it.

Then I think about my friend and how her chosen role was “giver”. She sought to help others who she perceived needed her help. At the time, I was “loner” yet I wanted desperately to not be, so I opted to try on the role of “follower” while also retaining my “loner” facade. We fit each others purpose, so we became friends. I followed her and did so quite well, becoming completely blind to many things about her. She fed my ego in many ways, as I did hers. She allowed me to continue to be the “loner”, sharing it with me, or so that is what I allowed myself to see. In reality, she was my friend but she had many other friends who merely tolerated my presence because of her. I wonder how many people asked her, “Why are you friends with her?” I know she told me she was once asked that about me. I wonder if she told them, “Because I feel sorry for her”? I suspect she did respond this way, as most of her friends tolerated my presence until she opted to unfriend me during our senior year.

In recalling all this, I became angry at myself for not being true to who I was. I recognized the fear that held me captive. To confront my only friend would surely alienate me from her forever. It far was easier to forgive her than to confront everything I can see so clearly now. I imagined telling her off. I imagined how life would have been had I not allowed myself to be treated that way. And I recognized how much I needed her. I do not think I would have survived my high school experience without her assistance, even though I was blind throughout much of it. I needed to be ignorant of the truth. I could not have handled it and may have spiraled into a very deep depression.

Then I thought about her life since we graduated high school. How she chose the path of drug use and wanton sex with strangers. How she ended up married to an alcoholic and porn addict. How she felt forced into having an abortion because he didn’t want a baby and she couldn’t confront the idea of bringing a baby into a world without a father. How she cheated on him and then divorced him to marry the man she cheated with. Then, when she was finally happy, she got cancer and had to confront the possibility of death. For a moment I was in awe of her. I began to compare myself to her, thinking I must be a coward. Then my guide reminded me, “You have already done all of that”. I knew he was right. I just chose to do those things over entire lifetimes while she bunched them up all into one. We were different, that is all. There is nothing good or bad about the ways we chose to live. It is the choices and the lessons we learn that matter.

Life Facades

In the book I am reading there is much discussion about facades, or masks we wear in life. These are all aspects of us that, if allowed to have too much control, can run amok and cause us all kinds of problems. These facades are many, but most of us has a major one we struggle with for many lifetimes. This main facade breaks into smaller ones as we try to compensate for it when it runs amok. I was able to quickly see my role as “loner” in this life as one of these offshoot facades. I instantly recognized my attempt to compensate for my main role which had run amok on me life after life: leader.

I was able to see after that the many offshoot facades that developed as I tried to control my power monger facade. In truth, my main facade is leader, but unfortunately, the leader is not always a good one. My leader has three offshoots that I have been able to identify thus far – the teacher, the power monger and the masochist. Each of these offshoots has smaller facades that were created to help play them out. For example, the teacher facade came out in my lives as a philosopher, teacher and psychic. It is currently still trying to come through, as it will always do. In past lives I have run into the negative side of this facade, the power monger, so many times and suffered horrible results that I have sworn to never let that side of me prevail again. This has led me to explore other facades that help me suppress the power monger. The masochist is among the most explored of these facades. I have been a nun, a victim, a follower and a loner all in order to try to avoid the power monger aspect of the leader.

In taking on the many facades I have in multiple lives I have run into major fear of myself. It is sad, really, that I so fear the potential of my power monger aspect. Yet, I completely understand it. I have recalled past lives where I have allowed the power monger to wreak havoc. For example, I had a past life from another planet where I led a large group of colonists to a planet I knew was about to be destroyed. I did this to make money with full knowledge of what I was doing. I dropped off hundreds of hopeful families and left them to die, which they did, and continued on without much thought other than to the amount of profit I made. This was way before my time on Earth. Yet this facade followed me to Earth, the fear of it causing me to embrace other facades like teacher and police officer, which allowed my leader to shine without giving the power monger the fuel it needed to do harm.

As long as I can remember, I have feared my potential for destruction yet at the same time longed for positions of power and prestige. I came into this life bossing people around and taking little interest in anything but myself. As I grew older and my conscience kicked in, I began to associate this negative aspect of my personality with the hurt it caused others and myself. It is as if I remembered my past lives without knowing it. Only now, as I delve deeper into myself, do I see the true extent of the destruction I have caused along my life path. It is no surprise to me that I seek to help and bring out the positive attributes of my leader self while suppressing the power monger.

The loner aspect I currently implore, serves to disassociate me from groups which in the past have been a springboard for the power monger facade. It also helps me introvert more, therefore asking questions of myself that I need to ask in order to grow. At the same time, the teacher aspect of myself came out and, though I resisted it at first, became a positive outlet for my leader self. In addition, I opened up to my spiritual ability which enhanced my teacher self while also enticing my power monger. Thankfully, it was not my intent in this life to push the limits of my leader because I do not believe I am yet strong enough to overcome the negative aspect of it.

Edit: Happy birthday, Daddy. I’ve missed you.