Tag Archives: meditation

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The Trance State

In the wake of my most recent experience, I wanted to explain what exactly happened to me. I want to make it very clear that what I experienced 1. was not a dream, 2. is something anyone can do.

I began meditating in 2002. My first meditation was profound. Looking back, I believe it triggered a full opening of my 7th chakra and began the process of opening my 8th chakra. I know for sure that it propelled me into the journey of a lifetime. One. Simple, Guided. Meditation. It blew me away.

Years after this first meditation, after recognizing I had abilities beyond anything I even considered possible, I met a hypnotherapist from the U.K. He was fascinated with something called the “trance state”. I had never heard about it. He told me about how it worked. An individual was put under hypnosis through a specific guided imagery session. When done properly, they would resign their dominant personality and let Spirit take over. When this happened, Spirit, usually a spiritual guide, would talk through the individual. This is what Edgar Casey did as well as many, many others some well known, others not.

I was not sure I believed him but seeing was believing. I watched as he took a friend of mine into the trance state through hypnosis. When she let Spirit in a dramatic change occurred. Not only did her face seem to take on an altogether different look, but her voice changed. When she spoke she could even speak another language, a language she did not know! I was astonished.

I tried to tape record one session. My friend went under hypnosis and let my guide speak through her. I was super excited to hear what he had to say. He gave his real name. He spoke in Aramaic (confirmed later), and gave specifics about me that my friend couldn’t possibly have known. Afterward, eager to listen to it all over again, the tape was complete static. All that could be heard was me asking questions. The answers were all static.

I tried to go into the trance state several times. For some reason I just never could. I was terrified of letting go of control over my body. I was terrified of being “possessed”. All I was able to do was get into a semi-hypnotized state, which basically means I was really relaxed but never to the point of the trance state.

The Trance State: What is It?

Most people might think all that I just wrote is just a bunch of mumbo jumbo. A made up story or some joke played on me by my friend. However, the trance state is very real. It can be reached without hypnosis. It can be reached via meditation.

I use to think I could never get to the trance state but the more I meditated, the more relaxed I became and then I had some very profound things happen to me. My guide spoke to me, appeared to me, touched me, spoke to me in another language. My body would feel heavy and light at the same time. I would be washed in love, peace, calm and also relive past lives as if they were happening at that exact moment. All of this because of the trance state.

Technically, the trance state is just very deep relaxation. But it has been studied quite a bit and findings indicate that the brain hemispheres function together in a way they don’t normally. Brainwaves change. Brain activity lessens.

If you are curious and want to know more about the trance state and how to achieve it for yourself, check out The Trance State by Robert Bruce. The author provides different techniques to use to attain the trance state. My hypnotherapist friend used the “Steps” technique to help his clients achieve this state.

Personally, I do not use a “technique” to enter trance. I don’t think I have to, really. I entered the trance state last night when meditating. I find I enter it simply by keeping my mind clear and focusing on a repetitive thing. Last night I did self-healing. Any time my mind would wander and I would find myself day dreaming, I would simply stop myself and return to whatever I was doing before. I was sick last night, so I gave up, but I did feel the tell-tale signs of trance.

Signs of Trance

You know you are entering the trance state when you feel the following:

  • warm, cozy, and heavy feeling in your body
  • all over tingly feeling in body
  • difficulty focusing your thoughts, day dreaming
  • odd lights and/or colors flashing in your vision
  • disassociation with the physical body
  • buzzing or vibrating in the body, particularly the head
  • rapid eye movment (REM), fluttering of eyes behind eyelids
  • hypnagogic images
  • sensation of falling (sometimes)
  • odd noises, bumps, bangs, etc (indicate deep trance)
  • heart palpitations/increased heart rate

Guide Induced Trance

I have also experienced guide induced trance. This just means that my guide helped me get to the trance state. Most of my OBEs in the early days were because my guide would induce the trance state and out I would go. At the peak of this time I would literally lay down in bed, close my eyes, focus on my guide’s voice and be in the trance state almost instantly. I suspect that is where I am headed again. My guide used the trance state to communicate with me during my most recent experience. He did this often prior to 2005.

Bruce addresses the issue of falling into the trance state too easily. That is likely what happened to me prior to my shut down in 2005. For me, I was just conversing with my guide and “learning”. Now that I think about it, though, I was going into trance at least daily, sometimes more, for quite some time and I did experience a “disassociation from reality”. Ouch. I wish I had known this information then.

This is what Bruce says about too easily falling into trance:

This is an occasional side effect of long-term development work. If a person spends a lot of time in trance, the trance state eventually becomes second nature and is then very easily attained. People with this tendency can find themselves accidentally sliding into the trance state many times each day, at the drop of the proverbial hat. If not checked, this can cause frequent dissociation from reality, which is an unhealthy way to live. This can become a serious psychological disorder and may require professional treatment if it is not addressed.

Use of Trance

The trance state has a myriad of uses. The most obvious is stress reduction, relaxation, and achieving a deeper connection to ones self and God. For me, the trance state brought me closer to my guide/my Higher Self, and set me on the path of self-discovery and astral travel. My guide uses the trance state to relay messages to me in a more direct fashion. I have also communicated with Spirit to include passed loved ones via this state. While in a deep trance state I am not only able to communicate with my guide(s), but also with Spirit if I want to (which is not usually). I am also able to identify chakra imbalance, illness, weakness and other issues with my physical body. Additionally, I am better able to recognize my own thoughts, beliefs and emotions and this in turn helps me in waking life to better recognize and control my emotions and reactions to life.

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Swaddled in Popcorn Clouds

I can’t sleep. I just had the most amazing experience and I will not be able to sleep until I write about it.

After this morning’s interesting OBE and messages, I went about the day floating about and feeling very happy. The entire time I kept the memory and questions about what happened at the back of my mind. I recognized this near bedtime but still kept the thoughts at bay.

Yoga and Meditation

I was instructed (am using this word as it is the only one that makes sense) to do yoga. I did Hatha yoga while my daughter played and my baby crawled about, sometimes on me. lol It did not bother me, I just enjoyed it and laughed while slowly going through the video routine and breathing deeply.

By bed time I felt the need to meditate. I was instructed to Om, so I did for quite a while. I also moved energy from my root up through my crown and then to the chakra above it. I counted as I went through each chakra, 1-8, and recognized that the 8th one was necessary. I felt my guide close the entire time.

I finally gave up on reaching any kind of meditative bliss, though I did feel calm and without thought. I laid on my right side and attempted sleep.

Dragon Girl

Soon I was dreaming. I was in a darkened theatre listening to a group of actors and actresses who were discussing the filming of a show. I was an actress, too, and knew this, but my focus was upon a small child who was with me. She was blonde and about 6 years old. I recognized her as my daughter but she was very dissimilar to my living daughter.

I was vaguely aware that the director was discussing my role in the “season” that was being filmed. He never mentioned me by name but they were all discussing my role as if I were not there, though I was. I was still focused upon the child who was putting on costumes and dancing about. She was beautiful and I was in awe of her.

I heard them all begin to discuss my access to the role I would be playing. Some were saying I could have no access to the script because I was not a full player in this “series” (it seemed like a television series but felt like the theatre). I recall that my role was being “rewritten” to include me coming into the life of a married man. I would not suspect this but it was being written. I could see the man out of the corner of my mind and there was a bit of sadness about my unexpected role.

I heard all of this but was not concerned. I was still engrossed in the little girl.

The director brought out the little girl dressed in a new costume. I was delighted! She was wearing a dragon costume that covered her entire body and even head. I could still see her face and she was so happy and wanted to show off for me. I watched as she jumped down into my arms, her little purple and green costume soft against my skin. I was extremely happy, happier than I believe I have ever felt in life. The joy poured out me as I hugged her close.

Hypnagogic Images With a Message

As I hugged the little girl against me it felt as if my entire head was swaddled in a soft, cottony pillow. It was white and I could see it but again I did not care or really focus upon it. I felt too good! Then the dream vanished and I was suddenly aware of a beautiful vision pouring into my line of sight. It felt as if I were floating still, my head swaddled and soft and buzzing with a soft energy. The vision clarified and in front of me were millions of tiny, white bubbles filled with rainbows of color, each spinning like prisms within prisms. The vision spread throughout my line of site until it hit the white, almost solid clouds that surrounded it, and me.

I instantly became aware of my body. It was stiff but completely solid. I also knew I was seeing hypnagogic images. Upon this realization my heart sank. Not in fear but in anticipation.

I heard a voice say, “Let go” and as I did, small letters took form upon the swirling, iridescent balls of color. Before they could completely form the word “Let” I knew what I was being told. Then in front of me more words began to form. They were jumbled but I heard a voice say, “What do you want?” and I immediately saw that the jumbled word was “Peace” and I responded, “Peace”. Then I wondered, “What do I do now?” and before my thought was finished I saw the word, “Listen” form in front of me in lavender letters. I listened, focusing on the swirling, beautiful clouds of color in front of me. It was the most spectacular thing I have ever seen! Overjoyed and excited, I continued to watch and waited, listening.

I never heard anything. Instead the stiffness in my body became overpowering as the vision before me faded. I knew/thought, “I will wake up”. A bit disappointed, I allowed it to happen.

Messages

I felt my head still swaddled in the white, puffy clouds. The energy there was so wonderful and relaxing. I just wanted to stay in it but I knew when I moved it would go away.

My guide was there. He asked, “How was it?

“Absolutely wonderful!” I mentally replied.

“There is more to come”

I was in awe. What do I say to that?

I continued to hear him and feel him all around me. I wondered, “Is this what it will be like (to merge)?”

He just said, “More is coming”.

Eventually I moved my body which felt stiff as if I had been in the same position for years. I stretched out on my stomach and thought about what I should do next. He said, “Write”.

I waited a while, still not wanting to leave my bed behind but the memory of what had happened was just too intense. So here I am, my body still jumping involuntarily from the energy that just swept through it. I feel as if I had just had the most awesome trip ever! I can still only think about the colors that surrounded me. All lavenders, pinks and other pastel colors of the rainbow. The soft, cushiony pillow that surrounded my head was so comforting. I felt safe and it reminded me of being a child in my mother’s arms. Oh how I wanted to stay forever. Is that what peace feels like?

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Madonna

Yesterday was a long day. We spent most of the day at my Mom’s for Thanksgiving and then went directly to the church to have another Thanksgiving there. We did not get home until late and then I could not fall asleep. I must have had too much caffeine. I drank mostly iced tea the entire day.

I felt my guide close and also sensed quite a few more in Spirit, about 9 total. I felt I needed to meditate and so I did, trying to quiet my mind. However, as soon as I would get to a quieted mind my guide would become more noticeable. Finally, I just listened to him rather than try to quiet my mind.

In my mind I saw a hand extended to me and felt I should take it. I reached out with my own mental hand and took it. When I did, I felt a surge in my heart chakra that lingered and expanded. It did not fill me up with the usual intensely, wonderful feeling, though. Instead, it felt blocked and dulled. I then began to feel an energy in my feet and legs. It was heavy and tingly. When I felt it, I instinctively began to urge it upward, slowly. I felt the energy slowly move up into my solar plexus and then into my heart but I could not get it to extend any higher up. I was able to get some energy to move up, but only small amounts. I knew this meant I had too many blockages.

I spent some time doing self-healing. I don’t know how long I spent, but eventually I must have begun to doze off because I suddenly had a vision of my baby struggling to breathe. It woke me suddenly and I flew out of bed. I checked on my baby and he was fine but I was wide awake and on mommy alert. Why did I get such a vision? Was this a warning that the “test” I have been dreaming of will be that I lose my baby to SIDS?

I could not go to sleep after that. I was a ball of worry and suddenly became super aware of how my body was feeling. I could not breathe out of one nostril and the other one was so dry it hurt to breathe. I also had a headache. I noted the time and it was midnight.

Continued Energy Work During Dreamtime

I slept fitfully and had odd dreams, most of which I cannot remember fully. I do recall dreaming of a friend from high school who I use to work with as waitress. She was being asked to go with two women. They appeared to be making sexual advances upon her at first but when I studied them closer, I realized they just wanted to have her company as a friend. I urged her to go with the woman even though she was very afraid for some reason. She left with them, looking back at me and I was filled with huge amounts of sympathy and could feel my heart chakra radiating energy out toward her.

In another dream I do not fully recall, I was driving a car down a road with high, white sides. It reminded me a tunnel without a top. I watched as a man in uniform slowly removed orange and white cones from a section of the road ahead of me. The section had two off-shoots, one to the right and another to the left. The left side had been opened up but the man was still removing the cones from the right.

As I approached I put on my brakes when I saw that the right tunnel had not been cleared of cones. I stopped completely and another person in a white sedan who I knew had been following me barreled through the right side, tossing the cones and then flying high up into the air. Her car collided with the concrete of a nearby building. When I looked up, I noticed the car had changed to a motorcycle. It was completely totaled but my friend was unharmed. When I approached her and asked if she was ok, she said she was and then said she had to get out of there before they found her out. Then her motorcycle was miraculously repaired and I jumped on and drove it down stairs. The stairs turned to slides and I followed them down for what seemed like forever.

I awoke at that point and could still feel the energy lingering in my heart chakra.

ThirdEyeMadonna – Lucid Dream to OBE

I fell back to sleep for some time and then awoke at 6am. My kids were up and noisy and I could not fall back to sleep. I put a pillow over my head and tried to sleep. I stated mentally, “I want to go OOB”.

The next thing I remember was sitting in a chair next to my bed. I heard music and a woman was next to me and then seemed to be all around me. It was dark and I could only see shadows of varying shades of gray. I sensed the woman more than I saw her and recognized that she was tapping headphones that were on my head. The music sounded like dance music and the beat was unfamiliar. The woman asked me, “Do you know this song?” I recognized her then as Madonna and I told her, “No. Sorry”.

I heard the music continue to play and recognized some of the words but most are lost to me now. The song was not one I had ever heard but I do recall hearing the word “star”. The Madonna woman then asked me, “Do you like my music?” I said, “I don’t usually listen to your kind of music but I am starting to”.

Then I was out of the chair and the “Madonna” woman was in the chair. I was trying to see her more clearly but could not make out her face. She reached out to me and pulled me toward her and I sensed a sexual inquiry from her. I let her pull me close and hug me. I recall seeing her neck and noticing she was wearing earrings and a necklace. I looked at the necklace while she attempted to encourage me to kiss her. I did kiss her but something felt very wrong about it. It was then I knew I was dreaming and that I did not want this to for myself. I pulled away from her.

Now completely “awake” within my dream, I felt the woman’s presence change. It was still dark but I turned around to look and see who had replaced her as the energy felt masculine. I saw a man in her place and his energy suggested he wanted me to have sex with him. He came towards me and I let him get close enough to touch me. I looked at his face and saw his features were angular and he had blondish hair that was cut short. He reminded me of someone but I did not know who. He did not say anything to me but I could feel his intentions. They felt odd to me, like he was hiding something of his intentions and I knew quickly that he was a sexual deviant of some kind and that he was not someone I wanted to be around.

At that time I also recognized I was standing right next to my slumbering physical body. I was so close that I could feel the pull of it and I kept thinking I needed to get away from it. The man continued to will me toward him but I did not like the way he felt and wanted nothing to do with him. I decided at that point to get away from my slumbering body and the man so I went to the bedroom door. I tried to open it but found that the doorknob was on the wrong side of the door. It took me a while to realize this but when I did, I opened the door, went out and down the stairs. I could feel the man behind me and a part of me looked behind me while another saw straight in front of me (I think this is the 360 degree vision people speak of having in astral). I moved so swiftly that I do not recall seeing the stairs at all. I just recall being downstairs and seeing my two oldest children watching television.

I went out the front door and down several steps. These steps are not there in real life so I am not sure what house I was in, but it was not mine. I stopped in my tracks when I was confronted with a completely different place than I expected. The residential street I assumed I would be on was replaced with a very urban street lined with brightly lit up buildings that stretched for miles in both directions. The place was familiar and I knew far to the right was a tall, silver building that towered above all the others. The sky was clear and I could see thousands of stars spread out in front of me. It was as if the sky went on forever! The air was crisp and my vision was crystal clear despite it being dark. I was overcome with awe as I took it all in.

I instantly wanted to stay there as long as I could and so looked down at my hands to try and increase my awareness. I looked down not knowing what to expect after finding gloved hands in my last OBE. I only saw my hands, just as they appear in real life. There wasn’t even any glow to them. I found this peculiar but did not let it bother me.

My vision remained crisp and I took note of how real and solid everything felt. Had I not known I was OOB I would have thought I was awake! I looked from my hands to a large building across the street. It looked like a very pricy, old hotel from another era. It was lit up with yellowish lighting and was a spectacular sight. I wanted instantly to explore it.

As soon as I set the intention to fly over to explore the building I felt my conscious energy coalesce into a mental ball. I did not feel my astral form at all. It was as if all of my consciousness was a mass of energy. The mental me was pulled upward as if through a siphon and there was a force that built up as my consciousness rose up. I had no control of this it seemed and went quickly upward and then into my sleeping body. I did not even feel the familiar settling of energy like normal. I was just instantly back in my body and fully aware.

Considerations

Upon waking I had a headache and was very thirsty. I also felt like I had been sleeping in a bad position as my lower body was stiff. I began to think of the short OBE I had an how weird it was. I thought about not writing it down because it seemed so boring but I thought perhaps I should focus on how lucid I felt and the senses I was able to utilize.

My perceptions are mostly limited when I am OBE. I usually have vision, sometimes clear sometimes not so clear. I also often can feel others and objects without a problems. Taste is also not usually an issue but is not often used unless I am eating something. Hearing is almost nonexistent. I hear most everything in my mind. External noise is a consciousness trigger for me and usually pulls me back into my physical body quite quickly. I have heard some amazing things OOB but it has been a long while. The music I heard in this experience was muted but I did hear it. I do not recall using my sense of smell often, but I have smelled things. For example, in one OBE I smelled the rain and felt it as it hit my body. I also heard it as it came down, a quiet trickling sound. This was one of my OBEs where every one of my senses was utilized. I would have given it a 10 on lucidity.

I recognize that this OBE was one of the few where I was quite lucid and was increasing in awareness very quickly. I believe this happened too quickly which is why I came back into my body the way I did. I was super aware of my energy and how it moved and then it was as if no transition at all occurred when I reentered my body. I was simply “awake”.

The recognition of myself as energy rather than a body was also interesting to me. I have only felt the “siphoning” feeling once and it scared me. In that experience I was sleeping when suddenly I was awakening by feeling my consciousness being siphoned upward and out of my body. I felt like liquid energy dripping upward and out of my body. I recall thinking I was dying and freaking out. I have never felt that again until this morning’s experience but this one was in the opposite direction, back into my body.

Factors Influencing Projection

Lucidity scale: 5 increasing to 8

Intent stated?: Yes

Time to bed: Midnight

Time to wake: 4:00am; 6:00am, 8:00am

Meditation?: Yes

Physical Exercise?: None

Mood: normal

Body: headache

Tiredness: Low

Number of wakings: 3

Technique?: No

Sleeping position: Left side

Supplements: Multivitamin, Mineral supplement, Natural Calm, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Benadryl 25mg, Calcium 500mg, Vitamin D 1000mg, Vitex 150mg, DonQuai 150mg

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Kundalini

What is Kundalini?

Kundalini is the power of the Divine located in each and every individual soul who incarnates into the physical.   Each of us possesses this Divine power within us, though most of us go through our lives without ever tapping into the limitlessness of our own Divinity.  Through our own Kundalini energy, we can experience pure Love, greater Knowledge, and increased intuition and connection to the universe.

Kundalini energy remains dormant for the most part.  Lying in wait until it is unleashed by a trigger or specific stimulus.  As I said earlier, not everyone will experience a release and rise of their Kundalini energy, but those who do are destined to do so in order to achieve a spiritual consciousness unique to their own spiritual journey.  The Soul chooses a specific event, time, place, emotional state, etc.  When the exact moment occurs and Kundalini begins to rise, the individual cannot ever return to their previous state.

The release of Kundalini energy can be triggered by meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, Reiki, healing and other spiritual exercises. When the Kundalini energy rises through the chakras, it can cause major change which can be problematic.

Kundalini Awakening

A Kundalini awakening is the rise of the Kundalini energy up through the seven major chakras starting with the root chakra.  This “awakening” may happen spontaneously to some while others may work years to unlock the power of their own Divinity on their own.  If you have begun to explore your own Spirituality,  then you need to be aware of Kundalini energy and the effects of  it.

Spontaneous awakening of Kundalini can be caused by many things.  Near death experiences, traumatic experiences, pain, deep sorrow, healing, intensive meditation and physical or mental illness can all bring about a Kundalini awakening.

Though the Kundalini awakening is considered a great prize by many seeking spiritual enlightenment, the process of Kundalini rising can cause many problems and setbacks for the individual.  When the dormant or potential aspect of the Kundalini arises, it means the transformation of individual consciousness into fully expanded Consciousness of the Divine. That process of transformation and purification is marked by both ecstasy and sublime experiences of the Divine, as well as by “dark nights” of the soul.  Kundalini awakening can create experiences that mimic psychiatric and somatic disorders such as schizophrenia, manic depression, and psychosis. Whether you are purposeful in awakening your Kundalini energy or not, the experience will change your life.

Typical Symptoms of a Kundalini Awakening

  • Burning hot or ice cold energy/sensations moving up the spine.
  • A feeling of air bubbles or snake movement up through the body.
  • Pains in varying locations throughout the body.
  • Tingling in the genital area, spine, or head.
  • Stiffness in the neck.
  • Pressure within the head (can be described as dull pain or heavy sensation).
  • Intense energy in legs and other parts of the body.
  • Fast pulse and increased metabolism.
  • Sensitivity to sound, light, smell, and people.
  • Orgasm sensations in different places in the body, or total body orgasms.
  • Mystical/religious experiences, revelations, and/or spiritual revelations.
  • Increase in psychic abilities.
  • Problems finding emotional balance (depression, mood swings, confusion, mania).
  • Anxiety or anxiety attacks, due to lack of understanding of what is going on.
  • Insomnia or sleeplessness.
  • Loss of concentration and memory.
  • Purposeful isolation because of confusion and lack of understanding.

Kundalini Meditation

If you feel you are ready to initiate a Kundalini awakening for yourself, then there is a simple process you can follow.  Before you decide to start this process, however, please remember that awakening your Kundalini energy will change you and you will never be able to return to the state you were in prior to the experience.  A Kundalini awakening will bring out all your long hidden issues from this life and from previous lives, it will awaken your Divine nature which may include the onset of psychic abilities you have yet to know of, it will be confusing and most likely lead you through a transformational process which many call “the dark night of the soul”.  Consider where you are in life, where you wish to be in life in your future, and whether you feel a “call” from inside you that says, “Yes I am ready”.  For those of you unsure as to whether you are ready, I recommend consulting someone who has been through a Kundalini awakening.  Discuss their experience and research all you can on the subject before making a decision.

When I say that initiating a Kundalini awakening within yourself is simple, I mean it.  All you have to do is follow some simple steps:

  1. While in a meditative state, let it be known to your guides and to the universe your intention.  State that you wish to awaken the Divine within yourself.
  1. Focus on your root chakra and imagine it flowing in a clockwise direction.
  1. Continue to state your intention. As you do so, increase the rotational frequency of your root chakra slowly until it is speeding too fast for you to follow it any longer.
  1. Firmly state your intention once more and end your meditation.

Once you have done this, you should not have to ask again.  Meditating regularly and practicing spiritual exercises that increase concentration and help you explore your own spirituality will help the process.  A Kundalini awakening is a process that can last years.  Make sure that you have a good support system while you are going through the process.  You will need the compassion and understanding of close friends and family to help you through the most intense parts of your transformation.

Go through the first technique step-by-step until you drift off into sleep.  Do not be concerned if you do not instantly project.  It took me over a month of doing these exercises before I finally consciously astral projected.

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Meditation: Remembering Your Dreams

Meditation with Purpose – Remembering Dreams

I have had people asking me about how to remember their dreams and have more restful sleep.  Because of this, I have decided to include another meditation for remembering dreams in this newsletter.

The following is a meditation technique that can be used to help you remember your dreams. The meditation can also be used to help you sleep.

Before you meditate to remember your dreams, make sure you are not waking to any kind of loud noise or alarm clock.  If this means you can only meditate on nights when you do not have to wake early for work, then that is okay.

Prepare for bed as usual.  Wear clothing that is comfortable and nonrestrictive. Lay in bed with your head propped up on a pillow or two with your legs stretched out straight in front of you.  Pull the covers up over you as if you were going to sleep. Fold your hands in your lap and close your eyes.

Let your body relax.  Starting with your feet, relax your body until you reach the top of your head.  Take deep breathes in and out as you do so and allow your mind to release all the stresses and thoughts from your day.

Visualize yourself standing in a dark room. It is completely dark. There is no light anywhere but you feel safe and calm.  There is a door in front of you.  You can barely make out the edges of the door but you can clearly see the doorknob.

You hear someone say to you, “This is the door to your subconscious. Anytime you want to remember your dreams all you have to do is open this door.”

The door swings open slowly and a brilliant white light floods through the small opening.  The door does not open all the way but just a few inches allowing you to only the see the brilliant white light and nothing else. It feels inviting and warm like the pillow your head is resting against. You feel your body relaxing all the more and you want badly to fall asleep.

You hear a voice reminding you to open the door.  “Open the door”. It repeats over and over again. “Open the door”.  “Open the door”. 

You reach out and open the door.  You see nothing but feel a powerful urge to fall asleep. You give into that urge.

This meditation is meant to help you fall asleep and help you to recover your dreams through visualization. To recover your dreams (if you do not remember them or only remember parts), simply meditate and visualize the door in front of you.  Slowly open the door and allow the dreams to reenter your consciousness.  Make sure that when you decide to remember your dreams that you are in a quiet place where your meditation will not be interrupted.

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Meditations

I recently perused some of my old channelings and found some meditations I thought I would share with you all. Enjoy!

For those of you who are working on increasing your psychic awareness, I have an exercise that may be of use to you. I have been given an urge to write about this exercise at the suggestion of my guide, Steven. Even if you feel secure in your psychic abilities, this exercise can help with healing and strengthening of your soul energy so that you can better utilize your energy in whatever work you do.

Psychic Growth and Perception Exercise

This is a meditation that will help you to better understand and utilize your psychic abilities. The point of this exercise is to 1. Get you in touch with your spiritual assistants. 2. Help you to differentiate between your conscious and subconscious mind. 3. Help you to differentiate between different sensations that run through the physical body during contact with your spiritual assistants. 4. Open your third eye and make use of it through practice and patience.

Sit up straight with your legs firmly planted on the floor and uncrossed (this time you need to sit up). Ask out loud for your spirit guides to assist you in this exercise for they are important assistants in this exercise. Close your eyes and breathe in and out very slow and deeply as you relax your body. With each breath out you will feel your body become more and more relaxed.

 When you feel relaxed and you feel less resistance in the muscles in your body, ask your guides, again out loud, to help you to clear your conscious mind of all thoughts. Say: “I ask all the assistants who are gathered around me in spirit to help me to clear my conscious mind of all thoughts.” After you say this, take a deep breathe in and consciously give your guides access to your thoughts. You can do this simply by stating in your mind “I grant my guides and assistants access to all my conscious thoughts”. In saying this simple statement, your conscious mind will be more willing to release some control to your guides.

Tell yourself over and over again, “I release myself from the control of my conscious mind and give my assistants in spirit access and control of my conscious mind.” In saying this, you subtly train your mind to accept messages from your guides and assistants with less and less interference, in other words, you give up some of your control.

Repeat the phrase as many times as you need to. The more you say it, the more confident you will be in the fact that the messages you receive from spirit are not influenced by your conscious mind. I recommend saying this phrase at least five to ten times in this session and five times a day throughout your regular day.

Continue to sit quietly after you have said the phrase. Have faith in the assistance you are being given and work with your guides to quiet your mind.

Now for the fun part – I want you to keep your eyes closed and look straight ahead, as if you are looking through your eyelids. Continue to keep your mind silent as you do this.

Keep looking straight through your eyelids and try to keep your eyes steady. Look to a point in the center of your line of sight. Focus on the point. You will see a vague form taking shape in the distance. This is the point of your focus.

Again, ask your guides to assist you in your belief of what you are seeing and ask them to help you to understand the images you see.

Continue to focus on the point. As you do this, listen and stay calm. Messages will begin to come into your conscious mind. You may see them, hear them, feel them, or sense them in some other way. If you feel that you are controlling these messages, again repeat, “I release myself from the control of my conscious mind and give my assistants in spirit access and control of my conscious mind.”

You may find yourself going into a type of “dream” state. This is exactly what you are looking for. If you become conscious of this state, you will come out of it and have to begin again to try and get back to this “dream” state. Don’t be discouraged. You will become more and more adept at this exercise until you will be able to stay in this state for extended amounts of time. This is what most psychics call a “semi trance state”. No matter what you call it, this state is one in which you will be most receptive to messages from your assistants.

 Remain in this “dream” state for as long as you can bear. Do not place a time limit on this exercise for it will be different for different people. This exercise will be very difficult for a group of people to do together. It is best to do this alone, in a comfortable and safe place.

Meditation and Healing

Expectation

Our perception of reality directly affects how we experience our life.  Our values, beliefs, and expectations along with every experience we have in this life, creates our perception of reality. When a person is unhappy, they often look around them and blame their unhappiness on events or situations that they believe created their unhappiness. Very rarely will a person look inside for the source of discontent.

The following meditation will help you to look within in order to discover the expectations, value, and beliefs that are impacting your perception of life in negative ways.  For those of you who are struggling to find happiness or contentment in life, this exercise will be very beneficial.

Recognizing Core Values and Beliefs

 Prior to this meditation, you will need to make a list of what you believe your core values and beliefs are in this life.  This may not be easy for some, so here are some questions you may want to ask yourself that will reveal your core values and beliefs:

  1. What are the characteristics are of an “ideal” family?
  2. What are the characteristics of an “ideal” mate?
  3. How do I expect my friends to treat me?  How do I treat my friends?
  4. What are my expectations of myself in every area of my life – family, relationships, career?
  5. What issues make me the angriest? Why?

Once you feel you have a list of your values and beliefs, ask yourself this question for every value and belief you have listed: Is this value/belief helping or hindering my state of happiness?

For those values and beliefs you have written a “yes” next to, you will need to meditate on how to change or alter it so that you can improve your life.  Take each value/belief you wish to alter and meditate on them separately until you have covered them all.

The following meditation will help you work on each value/belief which is having a negative impact on your perception of reality.  This meditation will not result in instant change because personal values/beliefs are created over many years.  Thus, the following meditation serves to focus on the subconscious core of our values/beliefs. With continued meditation and patience, everyone can significantly alter their perception of reality.

Meditation – Altering Your Expectations

 Sit upright with your feet planted firmly on the floor.  Lay your hands, palms facing up, in your lap. 

 Close your eyes. Take a few slow, deep breaths, counting to four as you breathe in and out.  Take approximately ten deep breaths, or however many you need in order to feel relaxed.

 Focus on one of the values/beliefs you wish to alter.  Don’t think about how you will do this, just focus on the value/belief.  Say the following mantra in your head (you may alter it if it does not feel right to you):  “I will not longer allow value/belief to affect me negatively. I ask for insight on how to change it.”

 Repeat the mantra as many times as you feel you need to.  Typically a mantra is repeated ten or more times.

 Spend the rest of your meditation time quieting your mind and visualizing the core value/belief you wish to rid yourself of leaving your body through your feet. 

 End the meditation when you feel ready.

Meditation and Healing

Cleansing Your Physical Aura

What is physical aura?  Most books do not differentiate between the spiritual and physical aura, but we all do indeed have an aura associated with our physical bodies.  I call this aura the “physical aura” because when I see and sense it, it is located very close to the physical body and runs through each of our major organs and body systems.

The physical aura is the vehicle in which our body rests.  It is the energy that keeps our bodies functioning at their optimum level with or without us being aware.  All the systems of our body are interconnected and so is the energy of those systems.  In turn, the spiritual aura’s energy weaves in and out of the physical aura, affecting it in subtle ways.

Most of the emphasis in spiritual healing focuses on the spiritual aura and rarely is the energy of the physical aura purposefully manipulated.  This is because most healers recognize the interconnectivity of energy between the spiritual and physical auras.  Also, most healers are acting as channels of energy that comes from the Divine, from the Source.  This energy is directed by the Source and the healer acts only as a channel, moving their hands to appropriate areas of the body as directed by the Source.

This does not mean that the physical aura is totally ignored – the Source often directs energy to the physical aura to address specific problems – only that the spiritual aura is where the problems begin.

In order to keep our physical aura functioning at an optimum level, it is important to eat right, exercise, and listen to your body.  We can also manipulate the energy of our physical bodies.

The following meditation technique can help you learn to listen to your physical body and manipulate your physical aura.

Energy Recognition and Manipulation of the Physical Aura

Relax your body and mind to a point where your breathing rate has slowed to that of entering a peaceful sleep (approximately 5-10 minutes of meditation). 

Focus on how your body feels in this relaxed state. Take the energy that is surrounding your head and mentally push it down into your chest area.  Continue to push it down until you reach your hips and legs.  When you reach your feet, allow the energy to exit through your feet.  See the energy moving from your feet, out and around your physical body and back to your head.  Pull the energy in through the top of your head and again push the energy back to your feet.

Repeat this process until you feel so relaxed that you no longer feel your arms, legs, torso, etc.  Your body instead feels like a conduit of energy.  Focus on the energy and how it resonates.  It pulses with your heart, it moves with your blood, it blends with your body in such a way that you can almost hear it speaking to you.

This is the time when you can focus on areas of your body which have been giving you trouble.  “Talk” to each of the areas of your body that have been giving you trouble.

For example, if you have a sore back, “talk” to your back. Mentally telling the area affected to “heal” will help speed the process. Tell the energy of your body to move to the area and heal the physical symptoms causing you pain. The more you focus on the area, the more energy will pool there, helping to heal and relieve discomfort. 

 

Centeredness

There is a feeling that many spiritually minded people, psychics and mediums, tend to use that can be confusing to those who are new to understanding their spirituality.  The term is “centered” or “centeredness”.

It is hard to explain to those new to spirituality how “centered” feels but I will try and explain it the best I can.

To be centered means to have your mind clear of all worry and anxiety.  It means to have your energy centers aligned so that there is balance in your energy. These two things by themselves do not mean one is centered, though.  To be centered means to have a complete body, mind, and spirit balance.  To be centered means that your thoughts and your body and your spirit are in tune, allowing you to feel confident about decisions you make and things you feel.

If you are feeling anxious or have any pain in your body that is distracting you, you are NOT centered.  If you find that you have difficulty breathing around a room of people and your thoughts are full of worry then you are NOT centered.

You are centered when you find your mind is rested, relaxed, and not focused on any one thing.  The environment in your mind would be one of contentment for no specific reason other than being alive.  You are centered when your body is at rest, relaxed.  You are centered when your soul is speaking through you in sensations and images that speak not only to your mind but to your body.

It is my experience that many who say they are “centered” are many times not. They do not bring into balance the natural rhythm of their mind, body, and spirit.  It is the intention of this next meditation to help you to find your true centeredness.

Finding Your Center

It is important that you isolate yourself from all distraction for this meditation.  If you don’t feel comfortable for any reason or your thoughts are too out of control, immediately drop this meditation and wait until a later time and date to try again.

Sit in a comfortable chair with your feet planted firmly on the floor.  Keep your head and neck supported so that there is no strain on either.  Rest your hands in your lap and close your eyes.

Focus on your breathing and take big breaths in and out.  Feel the rise and fall of your chest and let your body fully relax with each breath out.  Become aware of the energy of your body as you breathe.  Let yourself relax further and further as you breathe in and out.

Focus on the center of your body, near your stomach.  Keep taking full, deep breaths.  As you breathe in, imagine each breath depositing a bright light in the center of your body.  With every breath that energy grows and expands outward.  You feel heavy with the energy that fills you.  Keep breathing and filling your body with the light until you feel your body full of light from your feet to the top of your head.  Breathe in and out and fill your body with light.

Feel your feet and imagine them growing heavier and heavier as the light and energy continues to flow into you.  Feel the bottoms of your feet extend into the ground beneath them.  Let the light fill the earth beneath your feet.

Allow the light to extend past the top of your head upward toward the sky.  Feel the connection between your feet and your head.  Let the energy flow evenly between the two.  Continue breathing deeply, letting the light flow into your body. 

Now mentally ask your guides and angels to assist you in finding your centeredness.  Say to them “I ask my guides and angels to help me connect to my soul.  I ask that they help me to keep my thoughts clear so that I may receive messages from them”. 

Continue breathing.  Let your eyes roll back as if you were falling asleep.  Keep your focus on your breathing, on your body, and allow the quiet of your body’s natural rhythm to help you contain your thoughts.  (allow yourself about five minutes to be quiet within)

Now ask your guides to help you with a problem you are having.  You may ask anything you want.  Do not mentally look for an answer.  Put your question out to them and then fall back into the rhythm of your body.

Open your eyes when you feel ready.  Take all the time you need to find your “center” and let it help you open your mind to possibilities that you may otherwise have ignored.

Continue until you have addressed all of the areas of concern.  Request that your guides help you to see physical problems before they become too serious. Ask that you become more aware of your body.

Conclude the meditation as you wish.  Some may continue to cleanse their spiritual aura, others may just fall asleep (which is perfectly okay).

Chakra Preparation

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the chakras, or energy centers, of the human body, you should do some research on chakras.

In this exercise it is best that you lay down in a comfortable position either on the floor with a pillow propping your head up or on a comfortable surface such as a sofa or bed.

Relax your body starting with your feet and moving slowly up through the legs and hips.  Relax your abdomen, your lower and upper back, your shoulders and neck, and finally your head and face. 

When you are fully relaxed, allow yourself to flow with the energy in your body.  This typically results in a feeling of floating.  It feels to me many times like I am falling, though to some it feels like floating on a cloud.  Work with your body’s energy to achieve this feeling of floating or falling.  Do not resist the feeling, but instead go with it and let yourself continue to float or fall until you reach a level of equilibrium.  This equilibrium will feel different to each person who experiences it, but essentially it is a feeling of being at your final destination – a point where you no longer float higher or fall lower but instead your body’s energy remains balanced between the sensation of the physical and the spiritual.  When you have reached this point of equilibrium (it will take approximately 15 to 30 minutes depending on the individual), your body’s energy is stabilized and you may proceed to the chakra preparation.

At this point you will be manipulating the energy of your body.  Begin at the root chakra (located just below the pelvis region of the body, between the legs).  Imagine a circle of red light that pulsates and rotates clockwise.  If you get resistance, work at the rotation until you “feel” it rotating in the right direction.  Some people will feel a tugging sensation or a sick feeling with a chakra that is rotating in the wrong direction.  Resist the urge to force the chakra to move in the right direction, but instead will the energy of your body into the charka until it is cleared.  It will take about five minutes for a typical blocked chakra to clear.  Most will feel a tingling in the area when it clears or when the chakra is already rotating clockwise.

Continue up to the next chakra, using the color of orange (sacral, located at the belly button) this time, and repeat the process.  Then move to each subsequent chakra, using the colors yellow (solar plexus), green (heart), blue (throat), indigo (third eye), and violet (crown). 

When you have reached the crown chakra, or the top of the head, and have all chakras rotating clockwise, imagine a bright white string connecting each chakra starting with the root chakra all the way up to the crown.  When you have them all connected, see the string grow brighter and thicker until all you see is a bright white rod extending the length of your body.

 

Cleansing and Protection Exercise Using the Auric Field

First let’s cleanse the physical aura.

Focus on the bright white rod of light.  Slowly expand the white light from the center of the physical body to the edges of the physical body and vertically to the top of the head and the feet.  When you feel the white light covering all of your physical body, imagine the light pulsating from white, to pink, to green, to indigo, to white.  See the colors pulsating vertically from the crown to your feet in waves.  Slowly increase the speed of the color change until you no longer can distinguish the different colors from one another.  It will resemble a strobe light.

The cleansing of the physical aura is complete when the flashing of the light becomes so fast that it no longer looks as if it is flashing. 

To cleanse the spiritual aura, take the white light that is your physical aura and expand it outward about six feet in all directions. Expand the light as slowly or quickly as you feel is necessary.  Those of you who feel you carry a lot of excess negative energy in your aura, use this time to push the “gray” blobs of color (negative vibrations) outward as you expand the white sphere around you.  Your spiritual aura is considered cleansed when the white sphere is complete and the color white is vibrant and almost a pearled color (has a sheen on it that is almost iridescent) 

For protection from negative vibrations and negative spiritual energy, continue to imagine yourself enclosed in a white sphere that extends six feet in all directions. You can see outside of the sphere but you feel extremely safe and content inside of it, your equilibrium maintained.  If one were to look at you from a distance, you would look as if you were enclosed in a shiny, white bubble. 

Now say in your mind:  “Only my guides and angels are allowed inside this sphere of protection”.  Repeat the phrase as many times as you feel necessary.  Some of you may actually see or feel spirit in the vicinity of your sphere leaving to stand outside of it. 

This sphere of protection will stay up as long as you need it.  If you feel negative energy or vibrations affecting you, then reinforce the sphere by imagining it around you and repeating the phrase “Only my guides and angels are allowed inside this sphere of protections”.   

by

I am Home

It seems I have entered into a new pattern of awareness. That is the only way I can explain it anyway.

It started with the blood moon the beginning of this month and continues to accelerate. The major change has been most noticeable in my sleep patterns. I am not tired when I go to bed, yet when I close my eyes I almost instantly drift off to sleep. Then when I sleep, I sleep very, very deeply and often do not remember my dreams. Then, occasionally I will have a night where I have dreams galore but then cannot remember the details upon waking. Other times there are dreams that come out vividly seemingly from nowhere.

The other change has occurred in my waking awareness. I first had more calm and then it shifted to noticing things, synchronicities and deja vu amongst other things. Amidst these, noticeable, but gradual changes in awareness.

I have not been writing about everything that happens because if I did I would end up with posts so long no one would have time to read them. Also, I have come to realize that sometimes the things that happen to me need to be digested over time before their true meaning and significance is realized.

Test

This morning when I awoke I recalled a very long, in-depth dream. This surprised me since that has not been happening much this month.

The dream was set inside of a moving, armored, all-terrain vehicle. I almost want to call it a military tank but hesitate since I was on the inside and the feeling was not that I was going to war or anything of the like. I was sitting with a man who I admired quite a bit. He was my superior and I recall pushing back a romantic thought towards him, almost like I was internally reminding myself that was not my purpose for being there. He had on a helmet and was discussing flying, referring to me and a flight I would be taking as a newly trained pilot. I was listening and donned my own helmet. It was green and made of metal and covered my entire head. in front was a clear panel that covered the entire front of my face.

I remember feeling anticipation and nervousness as I listened to him. I knew this was an important step for me and I did not want to fail. This “test” would determine whether or not I was ready to pilot my own craft (what kind I am not sure).

The color green was very prominent in the memory of this dream as was the color silver which was the color of the metal vehicle I was in.

Mental Facility

Instead of the dream ending with me preparing for flight it actually fast-forwarded to another destination. I found myself standing in a line at a very large building built to hold many people. It was silver in color and very tall, so tall I could barely make out the top. It was square and also had a military feeling to it.

As I waited in line I was with a familiar group of people and I knew they were traveling with me. We were being processed by this facility to receive mental treatment. At first I thought it was a mental hospital but that thought was immediately replaced with “mental” as a stand-alone title for this place.

As I waited I looked down and saw soft, green grass all about. It was vibrant and separated the steel posts that designated the lines for for entrance into the building. I noticed very large animal feces all about and recognized it to be deer feces. I mentioned it to the guy I was standing with who confirmed they belonged to deer that frequented the place. I responded, “Those must be some very big deer. I sure wouldn’t want to come into contact with one of them!”

At the entrance I was expected to present my I.D. and sorted through my purse to get it. At this time I remember opening my wallet and finding huge amounts of money wadded inside. I retrieved my driver’s license and stuffed the money back inside, worried the people behind me might be watching and then want my money. I also felt guilty of having so much for some reason.There was one guy who was suspicious. A criminal?

When I got through to the other side, a woman kept my I.D. and gave me paperwork to fill out. I had to list the types of food I liked, my weight and measurements of my body. I could not answer all the questions and asked if that was okay. It was.

Inside we were placed into a dormitory together. I was with various individuals of all ages and genders, some family groups, others singles. We were waiting together and I was concerned about when and what we would eat and also concerned about my baby. I asked for milk and was told they had limited amounts of it and that I would have to use powdered formula. I took it but worried I would run out. I remember looking around with a feeling of uncertainty at this time. Finally, though, a gallon of milk was located and I had plenty for my baby.

Inside the dorm I went about making food with what provisions I could find. It happened to be beans. I began cooking them and found there was not much. A woman beside me began opening ground turkey. I asked where she got it and she told me the pantry. I immediately went to look and found canned food and such and began looking for ingredients to make a stew. I found a can of chitlins and was told to look twice. Realizing the can contained pork intestines, I put them back. For some reason they had a Hawaiian name and a Hawaiian man later came and got them to eat.

Pool

As if the dream were not already weird enough, it got weirder. I found myself with my group in the water of a swimming pool. I watched as a suited individual was pulled down into and under the water. She was wearing what appeared to be white, astronaut suit but it was really scuba gear. Under the water she became me and I breathed under water for a bit and then surfaced and looked about. I remember feeling very uniquely separate from the others at this point and a bit unsure of where I was and why I was there.

In the water the group was pairing off and one guy kept looking at me as if he wanted to know if I was interested. I immediately told him I was married (or did I think it?) and moved away from him. Not only was he unattractive but I just was not interested.

I heard something and looked up to see the instructor. He was discussing the training we were going through. I don’t remember now what he was saying but it was obvious that I was still in the “mental” facility going through some kind of training. Another interesting thing was that everyone was wearing white.

Promotion

Suddenly I was doing my laundry and standing in front of a washing machine. It was overfull and I was pulling out paper. It was paper used for wrapping presents and I was not sure how it got there. As I unloaded it to make the washer less full I was talking with a woman. I was able to get the load lessened and then my attention was brought back to the instructor who had just been at the pool side. He was addressing me and holding up a large tapestry of some kind. He opened it up and it was a commendation that had been sewed for me. It was the size of a quilt and was green and white. It very clearly stated that I was promoted to Captain. When he told me this I was intensely happy and surprised at once. The rest of the group was also very congratulatory. I kept looking at the tapestry and the word “Captain” continued to repeat in my mind.

Waking Messages

I awoke at this time. Fully awake without drowsiness, I realized it was very early and still dark. I don’t know what time it was but I suspect about 5:45-6a.m. This is the time I have been waking all week regardless of when I have to get up.

I tried to return to sleep but could not. So I went over the dream in my mind and wondered about its meaning. As I did, I must have drifted in and out of the state in-between sleep and wakefulness. It is a very deep meditative state that is easy for me to fall into upon waking.

During this time I would find myself conversing with someone and other times I would be in the act of doing particular things. The messages I received are difficult to remember now, which is not unusual, and I remember being reassured that I would remember what I needed to when I asked to remember.

One message was that I had three more levels. The other was simply the word “migraine” along with the image of the helmet I was wearing in the first part of the dream. This message immediately brought me to full awareness as I panicked a bit but then knew it was okay and purposeful. At this point I was hit with a calmness and knowingness that reassured me all was going as planned and caused me to not care about what it might mean.

The next thing I remember is doing yoga and realizing suddenly that I was, bringing me back to full awareness. I then began to “know” things but at the same time I was speaking to myself with certainty, but the voice did not seem like mine, yet it was. It is hard to explain. I was telling myself, “I am suppose to do this, that is what I was told to do”, and I began to do “it”. “it” was to meditate.

So that is what I did and I struggled with it because I kept being brought back to full awareness by things I was being told, triggered by my desire to remember, word-for-word, what I was “hearing”. I went back and forth between states for some time and finally the message got through to me – “Don’t focus on any one thing. You will remember what is needed.”

And that is when I let go and gave in. When I returned from this state, I did not remember everything and as I tried to remember I began to lose specifics very quickly. Yet I instantly began to know that what I was going through was purposeful and part of the process. The deep sleeping, the high energy in the day, the synchronicity, the deja vu, – all of it was part of the “ascension” process as was that movement from “level to level” as per the promotion to Captain in my dream. I also remembered what I had been doing before bed (I could not remember it before then). I had been saying to myself, “I am home” and I fully recognized that what I was longing for, this “Home”, is an illusion, much like everything else I experience in the physical. That Home is really me. Home is everywhere that I am. It is with me all the time and I can access it anytime. I went to sleep repeating to myself, “I AM HOME”.

Note: I am currently reading Confronting Your Immortality by Gordon Phinn. I highly recommend this book. I am in the middle of the book and have been reading it before bed the past few nights. It is from this book that I recognized how my beliefs have been limiting me, specifically my belief of what Home is.

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Housecleaning

I’m sick. I feel pretty bad right now but I took some ibuprofen and am starting to feel better. I have had to take it twice a day since I got sick two days ago. This morning I kept thinking, “I am sick” over and over. I realized I should stop or I would make it worse, so I stopped. I am feeling much better now but it could just be the ibuprofen.

I slept so hard last night that when I woke my body felt oddly heavy and unresponsive. I had to drag myself out of bed and once I did I felt sicker than I did before I fell asleep. it is like my body is telling me to go back to bed. But I can’t. I am Mommy today to my two youngest. Life must go on, whether I am sick or not.

Housecleaning

I couldn’t help but notice there are quite a few blog posts out there discussing the equinox as well as the cleansing and healing that is going on at a very deep level for so many. I know I am experiencing such a “purge” and it has manifested in illness. Yuck. The healing is also beginning to create welling up of emotion out of nowhere. Last night I had memories of my past pop into my head out of nowhere. Old friends I had hurt or wronged in some way. People who I had long forgotten about making their way back into my mind, and my heart. This has been going on in my dreams for a few days but only last night did it finally make it to my heart.

I have been drawn to write down all these memories and the harm I have caused. I feel drawn to do it but I am so sick and life has been so busy that I have not had time to follow through on the intention. It seems not to matter. I am continuing the process on the subconscious level as I make my way through my days, as I dream and as I contemplate my days over my evening cup of tea.

The energy seems denser and heavier to me right now. I have seen this written in other blogs – this dense, heavy feeling is common to many right now. Yet “they” seem no where near me. And last night, as I thought of old friends who I had not seen in a long time, I longed for their company. I felt/feel very alone in my experience and recognized just how alien I feel in my own life right now.

lifeYoga

I wrote recently how I accidentally purchased a Kindle book while trying to correct a black Kindle screen. The book was called Where in the Om am I?. I have been reading it because I figured I might as well and so far it has had some good messages for me. The author of the book reminds me of myself in many ways and her struggles mirror many of my own.

Now that I am 90% through the book I am starting to think that I need to revisit yoga. I have done it in the past but its slowness never appealed to me. I found it boring, actually. But there have been too many signs in my life suggesting that I need to do something different in my life. And oddly, those signs have been pointing to yoga.

For example, before I even accidentally bought the book, I got an email from my boss inviting me to consider taking a yoga class at work. I immediately dismissed it because, well, it was yoga and I didn’t have time. A week later I accidentally bought the book Where in the Om am I? and yoga is the theme. Yoga. Boring yoga.

Recently, there was a chapter in the book where the teacher of the author’s yoga class told the class that high intensity cardio was not good for “highly anxious” people. I know I am highly anxious. I can’t seem to ever relax. So I looked it up. Sure enough, I discovered that high intensity cardio causes the body to react the same way it does to stress – high heart rate, sweating, increased cortisol levels, etc. Upon reading this, I remembered being told by someone (can’t remember who now) that I should not be exercising as much as I do because it was actually creating more stress. I thought, at the time, this woman who told me was completely ignorant. Exercise was a stress reducer not a stress causer! But it seemed finally that all the messages I had ignored finally got through. Maybe, just maybe, I have actually been increasing my stress through the type and intensity of exercise I was doing?

And then it happened. I decided I to stop my high intensity exercise routine I have been doing for so long. I plan to replace it with, slower, more stress relieving exercise – like yoga. So yesterday I took some time during my work day to do some yoga in my office. It wasn’t so bad. In fact, I wouldn’t mind doing it more often and I actually thought that I should go find that email offering yoga classes through my work. Today, if I am not feeling too ill, I will do a simple routine from off the internet. Maybe I will join the work class if there is one. Now that the message has finally gotten through there is no ignoring it anymore.

Integration

Finally, as if “cleaning house” is not tough enough – purging old grief and guilt, cleansing old wounds, healing past mistakes and losses, slowing down, incorporating yoga and meditation into my life, changing my diet – I am experiencing the result of the “merging” my guide warned me about so long ago. I knew that this merging process would result in less conversation with my guide and more integration of that knowledge into knowingness. The conversations would internalize and it would be quiet. I knew no more details. Until now.

What happens is very subtle and I wouldn’t have noticed it if I hadn’t been considering my own thoughts at the time. It happens when I am doing normal daily activities. For example, I was getting my middle son his umpteenth sippy cup of juice and I suddenly found myself mesmerized by his tiny little body running in front of me, so happy just to have gotten his juice. And a thought hit me, “He is beautiful I should be happy just making him happy”. And I caught myself enjoying life. It happened again and again. Every time I look into my baby’s eyes and see his face light up with pure joy. And I think to myself, “This is why he came at this time. To help me remember I can experience joy. That I can be happy”. And I feel blessed and grateful to him for his gift to me.

These moments are not as numerous as they should be. Yet. They will be. Merging and integration takes time. Until then, I should stop trying to rush ahead and enjoy the time in between. The time during the transition. This also was a lesson the author of the book I am reading learned. Perhaps that is what yoga will help me do? Enjoy the moments that I have been missing for so long. Just considering it makes me want to cry with joy.