Tag Archives: Memories

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Housecleaning

I’m sick. I feel pretty bad right now but I took some ibuprofen and am starting to feel better. I have had to take it twice a day since I got sick two days ago. This morning I kept thinking, “I am sick” over and over. I realized I should stop or I would make it worse, so I stopped. I am feeling much better now but it could just be the ibuprofen.

I slept so hard last night that when I woke my body felt oddly heavy and unresponsive. I had to drag myself out of bed and once I did I felt sicker than I did before I fell asleep. it is like my body is telling me to go back to bed. But I can’t. I am Mommy today to my two youngest. Life must go on, whether I am sick or not.

Housecleaning

I couldn’t help but notice there are quite a few blog posts out there discussing the equinox as well as the cleansing and healing that is going on at a very deep level for so many. I know I am experiencing such a “purge” and it has manifested in illness. Yuck. The healing is also beginning to create welling up of emotion out of nowhere. Last night I had memories of my past pop into my head out of nowhere. Old friends I had hurt or wronged in some way. People who I had long forgotten about making their way back into my mind, and my heart. This has been going on in my dreams for a few days but only last night did it finally make it to my heart.

I have been drawn to write down all these memories and the harm I have caused. I feel drawn to do it but I am so sick and life has been so busy that I have not had time to follow through on the intention. It seems not to matter. I am continuing the process on the subconscious level as I make my way through my days, as I dream and as I contemplate my days over my evening cup of tea.

The energy seems denser and heavier to me right now. I have seen this written in other blogs – this dense, heavy feeling is common to many right now. Yet “they” seem no where near me. And last night, as I thought of old friends who I had not seen in a long time, I longed for their company. I felt/feel very alone in my experience and recognized just how alien I feel in my own life right now.

lifeYoga

I wrote recently how I accidentally purchased a Kindle book while trying to correct a black Kindle screen. The book was called Where in the Om am I?. I have been reading it because I figured I might as well and so far it has had some good messages for me. The author of the book reminds me of myself in many ways and her struggles mirror many of my own.

Now that I am 90% through the book I am starting to think that I need to revisit yoga. I have done it in the past but its slowness never appealed to me. I found it boring, actually. But there have been too many signs in my life suggesting that I need to do something different in my life. And oddly, those signs have been pointing to yoga.

For example, before I even accidentally bought the book, I got an email from my boss inviting me to consider taking a yoga class at work. I immediately dismissed it because, well, it was yoga and I didn’t have time. A week later I accidentally bought the book Where in the Om am I? and yoga is the theme. Yoga. Boring yoga.

Recently, there was a chapter in the book where the teacher of the author’s yoga class told the class that high intensity cardio was not good for “highly anxious” people. I know I am highly anxious. I can’t seem to ever relax. So I looked it up. Sure enough, I discovered that high intensity cardio causes the body to react the same way it does to stress – high heart rate, sweating, increased cortisol levels, etc. Upon reading this, I remembered being told by someone (can’t remember who now) that I should not be exercising as much as I do because it was actually creating more stress. I thought, at the time, this woman who told me was completely ignorant. Exercise was a stress reducer not a stress causer! But it seemed finally that all the messages I had ignored finally got through. Maybe, just maybe, I have actually been increasing my stress through the type and intensity of exercise I was doing?

And then it happened. I decided I to stop my high intensity exercise routine I have been doing for so long. I plan to replace it with, slower, more stress relieving exercise – like yoga. So yesterday I took some time during my work day to do some yoga in my office. It wasn’t so bad. In fact, I wouldn’t mind doing it more often and I actually thought that I should go find that email offering yoga classes through my work. Today, if I am not feeling too ill, I will do a simple routine from off the internet. Maybe I will join the work class if there is one. Now that the message has finally gotten through there is no ignoring it anymore.

Integration

Finally, as if “cleaning house” is not tough enough – purging old grief and guilt, cleansing old wounds, healing past mistakes and losses, slowing down, incorporating yoga and meditation into my life, changing my diet – I am experiencing the result of the “merging” my guide warned me about so long ago. I knew that this merging process would result in less conversation with my guide and more integration of that knowledge into knowingness. The conversations would internalize and it would be quiet. I knew no more details. Until now.

What happens is very subtle and I wouldn’t have noticed it if I hadn’t been considering my own thoughts at the time. It happens when I am doing normal daily activities. For example, I was getting my middle son his umpteenth sippy cup of juice and I suddenly found myself mesmerized by his tiny little body running in front of me, so happy just to have gotten his juice. And a thought hit me, “He is beautiful I should be happy just making him happy”. And I caught myself enjoying life. It happened again and again. Every time I look into my baby’s eyes and see his face light up with pure joy. And I think to myself, “This is why he came at this time. To help me remember I can experience joy. That I can be happy”. And I feel blessed and grateful to him for his gift to me.

These moments are not as numerous as they should be. Yet. They will be. Merging and integration takes time. Until then, I should stop trying to rush ahead and enjoy the time in between. The time during the transition. This also was a lesson the author of the book I am reading learned. Perhaps that is what yoga will help me do? Enjoy the moments that I have been missing for so long. Just considering it makes me want to cry with joy.

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Peace

I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace

I woke this morning with the chorus from this song in my head and a feeling similar to how I was feeling not long ago – I didn’t want to get out of bed. A specific line of the chorus, “we’re only here, oh, for a little while”, kept repeating in my head. I love the song and it has been used to relay a message to me before, but this morning I just didn’t want to hear it.

Where Did the Memories Go?

As the song played in my head, memories of my youth began to trickle in. Specifically, a memory from when I was 12 years old. My father came back into my life after years of disconnection. He just popped back in, out of blue, and acted as if nothing had changed. Of course, me being 12 and all, everything had changed.

He brought with him a girlfriend. A very garish woman with big hair and penciled in eyebrows that made her look like a clown. Her makeup was dark and befitting of a twenty-something year old. Yet her clothing was more in line with her age – around 50 or 60. I don’t remember the woman’s name now, but I know I instantly did not like her. This is also not surprising considering the circumstances.

We went to a fancy restaurant – Red Lobster (back then it was considered high end – really!). We were there to celebrate my younger sister’s birthday. She would be turning 10. After eating, the garish woman and my father presented my sister with her gift and I was extremely jealous when she opened it. She got Clinique make-up! I remember looking at the little, sea green compact and feeling my heart sink. I thought to myself, “She is too young for that!” and wanting it desperately for myself. But I kept my mouth closed and smiled, pretending to be happy for her.

The memory stopped there but the feeling of it did not. I was so full of hate back then. It was me against the world. It was vile. I am not sure how I made it through my teens because that feeling pretty much stayed with me until I was in my mid-twenties. It grew and changed as I suppressed it and tried hard to not become the effect of it. Sometimes I managed to keep it at bay but most of the time it hung over me like a dark rain cloud.

Much of my feelings stemmed from anger but I also believe I brought some of them into this life with me. Especially the feeling that I should be loved more than my siblings. I secretly always wanted to be an only child. I have since remembered my last life. It was brief but I do know one thing – I was the only child. Hmmm. Ha! I was also not treated well and my life ended in a horrible way – murdered by a father figure; drowned in a shallow fountain in an unfamiliar place. Torn from my family, life taken from me abruptly and betrayed by someone I thought loved me, I found myself trapped between the Other Side and Earth – bound to a life that was no longer mine.

All these memories were instantly with me as I awoke this morning. Why? Perhaps it was because yesterday, looking into my daughter’s face as we spent time reading together before bed, I thought about how I use to cherish similar memories of my own childhood, yet, I could not remember them. Where did they go? And I thought to myself that this must be why I am so bitter about having to live life. I have lost memories I once cherished.

time_joakim_kraemer_photography_One Life, Many Me’s

I read yesterday in one of the many blogs I now follow on WordPress that as we change, we leave a part of ourselves behind. We shift into a new Self. This is part of living. It is part of change. And change is the one constant – it is expected, though many of us fear it and reject it.

I have had many me’s in this life. The first, my childhood – when joy and laughter were still very much a part of my life. This me only lasted for about six years. Too short, if you ask me.The second me began with my parent’s divorce and stayed until my mid-twenties. This was probably the most challenging part of my life. I went through middle and high school, met my first husband, went to college and then left my first husband. I lived in parts of the U.S. I never thought I would and traveled across the world to Australia and the U.K. Yet I was not complete. I felt lacking. All the time.

The third me emerged with my spiritual awakening at around the age of 26. I recall recognizing the other me’s during this time. They felt foreign to me. When I looked at those me’s a didn’t recognize them as a part of me. I was so different. There is no way they could be me. Even now, when I recall memories of those times, they seem surreal and dreamlike, as if they were just one of my many astral travels.

And now I feel like I am entering into another stage, one that will create yet another me. Hopefully the final me. I have yet to see where one me ended and another began, but this could be because I am in the midst of it. I worry that in order to transform into the new me there needs to be a drastic ending somewhere. For example, the beginning of the current me came after several drastic ends – the biggest being divorce. The ending of the childhood me came with divorce as well. And it could be that there will be divorce this time as well, but not necessarily the divorce of man and woman but a divorce of old habits, behaviors and beliefs.

Peace

The final feeling that came with hearing the song by O.A.R. this morning was an irritation at not getting to astral along with a rejection of astral travel – almost as if it serves only to slow me down right now rather than help me progress at the rate I should be. Typical of that internal conflict that has proved so difficult to overcome in this life – the ego versus the Self. Always, when I thought about the purpose astral travel serves in my life, I heard the line “we’re only here for a little while”, as if to say “Focus on living your life now, not on other planes of existence as it is this existence which is most important at this time”. And the message is clear – we are only here for a little while, just a blink compared to the eternity of that which we are. And the peace we find in ourselves can be found anywhere, even here on Earth, if we accept our chosen path, do not allow the ego to confuse us and misguide us, and travel it wholeheartedly. Easier said than done.