Tag Archives: Past Lives

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Rewired

The 180 degree shift in perspective I experienced on the 1st was brief. It barely lasted 24 hours. The day after was difficult with me falling back into pessimism and doubt. It didn’t help that I stupidly drank some wine so I ended up with only 5 hours total sleep.

Events from Yesterday

It actually started the night before last when my husband got mad at me because I wanted to be alone and he didn’t. He saw this as me “rejecting” him and went into a “tantrum” of sorts. The last thing he said to me was that he thought maybe we should consider “other” options for our marriage. These kinds of phrases are becoming more and more his weapon against me and I should have known it was nothing other than hot air, but it bothered me nonetheless. This, along with the one glass of wine I drank kept me up until 1am.

The next morning I awoke grumpy and went to work without incident. The day went fine but I could not shake the unease caused by my husband’s words the night before. I spent the day thinking about my life and what I wanted to keep and what I didn’t want to keep. Sadly, I was ready to throw it all to the wind and this bothered me immensely. Where was my heart in all this? Non-existent it seemed. Note: Apparently Venus retrograde invites reflection upon relationships to determine if they should stay or go but to hold off on the decision until after it goes direct. Venus goes direct on the 8th but I do not plan to make any changes.

When I got home it was like chaos had hit with a vengeance. My mother-in-law watches my two youngest during the day. She had been instructed to not let them upstairs unattended, but apparently she forgot and I discovered a pair of my eyeglasses had been twisted backward. Thankfully they were the old pair but my new, $400 pair was missing. I went searching and found them safe and sound but covered in little fingerprints.

What was really crazy is that my MIL had done damage all on her own. She had gotten a spoon stuck in the garbage disposal and somehow flushed one of my baby’s shirts down the toilet!

My remedy to this awful mess at home was to lock myself in my bedroom and do 35 minutes of heart-centered yoga. Ahhh!

Rewired

I went to bed wanting the day to disappear and asking questions of my Companion about the purpose of all this and how to fix it all. He responded, but I don’t recall now what he said (this seems to be the pattern these days). I meditated myself to sleep and had more strange dreams.

In one dream I was depositing a $5,200 something check. In another I went to an airport and found a black and white cat in a bag on the elevator. Then I was discussing going on a trip to the Caribbean but I could not take my “boss” with me. At this point I suffered extreme sadness and loneliness as I was told that this trip was a solo trip.

When I awoke I felt somber and asked why I had been told, “We will bring you Home” only to have not have this happen. I was told that Home was within me and that I had misunderstood the message. This, of course, only made me more depressed. It was explained to me that I was being “rewired” but at the same time I heard “retrial”. I felt them to be one in the same.

Strange Memories Resurfacing and Evaporating

Finally, I have strange past-life memories resurfacing at odd times. Mostly, I do not remember them after I have them resurface. It is like they are rising up out of me like smoke, disappearing as they escape. Sometime I can regain the memory, but this is unusual.

One such memory of remembering returned to me while driving. I suddenly remembered waking up one night and remembering suddenly that I had once murdered my own child by drowning him. The memory was not as vivid as the extreme guilt that came with it and I thought to myself, “I should be punished”. With this thought came my Companion’s words, “Haven’t you been punished enough?” and I recalled the life before this one where my own father had drowned me when I was only a child. With this memory came the realization that I have been holding onto the belief that I deserve to be miserable for what I did and that I have been punishing myself ever since. With this belief came also the belief that I was not a good parent. I saw the Karmic cycle and at first thought the child I had drowned had drown me in a later life. I knew this was not the case as it was the actual emotional loss that was cycling, not the relationship. Karma is not revenge, it is a self-inflicted purging.

This all occurred in mere seconds. The words of my guide seemed to help evaporate the feelings that arose within me and I fell asleep quite quickly upon their erasure, the memory of it gone as quickly as it arrives. Yet, it returned to me the next day only to again be lost. I only remembered it yet again when I began to fall asleep that night.

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Two More False Beliefs

Session was very productive yesterday. I continued to delve into my false beliefs and found a couple more.

False Belief: Threats will get you what you want.

This was the first false belief I ran into. This one was very embedded within my psyche. This may be unbelievable to most of you, but I followed it all the way back 8.25 million years to its source. I would not have believed it myself except that first, long ago memory was very clear. As it is likely unreal and could potentially cause upset to those reading, I will not go into detail about what I re-experienced.

The experience of going that far back in time was quite a revelation to me. My human mind had difficulty accepting it or even the possibility that my consciousness having existed for that long. Yet my HS knows this to be true, to be fact. We are timeless; infinite.

I encountered a fear also of this vastness of time. It was almost a terror and it worried me while at the same time alerted me to the fact that this was illogical. Upon further inspection I explored the source of this fear in session and was able to determine that there is an event that occurred in my existence on the time track at approximately 1 million years ago. I did not explore any further than that since my focus now is on false beliefs but I am sure I will encounter this event at some point in my exploration of Self.

Note: This fear is exactly why I do not share with you the life I re-experienced as it could lead those ill prepared for such an exploration into ten times the reaction I had. One must only go where they are ready to go else face dire consequences.

False Belief: If I’m miserable, others must be miserable, too.

This one was a doozie. Thankfully, its source only went to 1888 and into a lifetime I was well aware of already. Unfortunately, I delved into parts of it that were devastating blows to the little, eight-year-old girl I was when it occurred. This life I previously wrote about in a post Past Lives Part II. The date says 1920 (the date of my death in that life) but the entire life was traumatic.  Most of the trauma began in 1888, after the death of my mother.

Since I already recounted most of that life in the other post, I will say here that this exploration of that life was to focus on when I caused someone to take on the belief that if they are miserable so then others must be made miserable. The end result was that I, as a little girl, assumed responsibility for the actions of my father in that lifetime. I held tons of guilt and felt I needed to be punished. This was, of course, wrong, but for a little girl who could not understand what was happening to her, this was the only thing that made sense. If your parent punishes you, then you must have deserved it – right? Wrong. So this life revealed much and as a result released lifetimes of pain, guilt, anger and loss.

Lots of Work

To those reading my accounts of the extrication and elimination process, you might think it is too fast, too easy to be possible. I want to share with you just how hard this has been and will be for me.

1. These lives are so horrible, so filled with pain, that it is very difficult to find them. One’s first reaction is to think they are not real, or made-up. This is a protective mechanism of the subconscious mind and must be surpassed in order to contact past lives containing intense emotion and other trauma. When I recall these lives it is very hard to get to the memory as it is very occluded but with persistence (and many times fear) I expose them.

2. It took me 6 hours to find and eliminate the above two false beliefs. I may still have more to eliminate on the second one. Much of the time was spent re-experiencing huge amounts of emotional release. Imagine tears, more tears and a feeling of having your heart ripped out over and over. Believe-it-or-not, when you re-experience the pain, it dissolves and what is left is an objective view of what happened. You can’t get to the objective part until you release the emotion that blankets the experience.

3. It takes courage and belief in Self to do this. It is not for the faint of heart, the timid or the fearful. I schedule my sessions only twice a week because I need a break in between to fully absorb the results (which are very rewarding and positive).

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Following the Chain of False Belief

In session yesterday I ran into one of my false beliefs and I began the process of seeking out the source of this belief. The false belief was: Men are wrong.

Following the Chain

In seeking out the source of this belief, I followed memories connected to it starting in this lifetime and going backward into other lifetimes. This is what I found so far:

1982 – Belief is activated within this lifetime after a traumatic event occurred. I decided that my Dad was wrong for how he treated me and my mother, who I identified very strongly with. It generalized into all men are wrong.

1892 – Belief was used in another lifetime when I was a prostitute in the U.S. Mid-West. I repeatedly told my “co-workers” that men were not to be trusted.

400A.D. – Belief was used during a lifetime in India. This was a traumatic memory of almost losing my daughter to raiders during the monsoon season. I relayed to her repeatedly that men were not be trusted and did bad things.

30A.D. – Belief was reinforced during a traumatic event in which my pregnant and severely battered daughter came home. She went into premature labor and died during childbirth. Her daughter survived and I raised her as my own. My anger at the man who beat and ultimately killed my daughter was so intense that I adopted the belief that men are wrong. However, upon re-experiencing this life, I recognized that the “wrong” here was that they were “unjust” and went against all that was good.

More to Come

The chain has not been followed to its source yet, so I am likely to find more events at my next session. I am interested to find out where it will lead. It always surprises and amazes me!

When I contact each life, it is merely a picture or a color or a vague sense of a place that comes at first. Then, when I inspect it more closely, more and more is revealed. The details are amazing! For example, the river I was wading in while trying to rescue my daughter in the life from 400A.D. was so vivid that I could feel the pressure of the water current against my legs and see the muddiness of the water. I also instantly knew it was the monsoon season.

The last life was perhaps the most intense life I have recalled in some time. I was hit with such a myriad of emotions – anger, grief, frustration, love, desperation – that the flood of it was overwhelming to the point I could not breathe. I even recall cursing in another language, calling the man a baboon’s butt and cursing God. When I finally let go of this life event I experienced such an outflow and inflow of energy that it is hard to describe. I was laughing and crying at the same time.

I am finding this belief following me through my female lives for some time. It may even have its origin prior to my time on Earth. More updates will follow.

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Sudden Past Life Memory

My left leg was aching and both legs were restless. I also felt such a heavy weariness come over me that I could not ignore. I went upstairs and got in bed, covering my eyes to help ease the headache I had all day.

I had to change positions several times because my leg kept throbbing with a strange electrical pulsing pain. I wondered briefly if it was sciatica but the thought passed quickly as I fell into the happy bliss of the in-between.

Paralyzed

It was then that I was aware of being in a house with several other people. I was in a wheelchair being wheeled around and could see the brown wood of the structure I was in. There was a door immediately in front of me and I was talking to my brother, mother and father who were huddled around me. I was also very aware that I was a man and the fact that I could not move my legs.

I began to wake up in the midst of talking with my family and when I did I struggled to determine which reality was real. Was the dream what was really happening? Or was it me, laying in bed, that was real?

I opened my eyes and still struggled to determine where I was, who I was and what was going on. My legs were not hurting, though, and I think this is what ultimately brought me back to reality.

Early 1800s

Once I was able to locate myself in present time, I thought about my “dream” and knew instantly that it was no dream. I had remembered a past life. A past life where I had been hurt and lost most if not all feeling in my legs. And there was pain with it similar to the shooting, electrical pain I had been feeling.

I wondered when the life was and knew it was the early 1800’s. I smiled, congratulating myself, but did not seek anymore information about the life. I did not want to unintentionally cause myself more harm than good. If done improperly, a past life can bring into the present life aspects of it to include pain, upset and other irrational behavior/thought. Since I had already had pain that caused me to need to lay down, I did not want to intensify it. Plus, it had gone and I felt better. I wanted to keep it that way.

It still amazes me, though, how suddenly and spontaneously some of my past lives have come to me. This one came with the sensation of sitting in the wheelchair and feeling the hardness of the seat. I also felt it being rolled around, its wheels bumping roughly on the floor. It was so vivid and real. I didn’t even know they had wheelchairs that long ago! So cool.

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1950

Today in session I went back to the year 1950. I have been to the particular life before but not this specific memory.

Electroshock Therapy (ECT)

When I touched on this memory the first time I was hit with such a panic in my chest that I lost my breath. At the same instant I knew I had ECT and it was the source of the panic.

Upon further inspection, I was able to see quite a bit of the entire treatment series from the moment I came into the room to the moment I left it. The room had a large, double-sided glass viewing area behind which stood an odd-looking chair with straps on it. It reminded me first of a dentist chair but I knew it was not one. There were two male doctors wearing traditional scrubs and masks and a female nurse who ushered me in.

The nurse wheeled me into the reception area and spoke to me, telling me it would be okay, not to be nervous and that it would not hurt. Then one of the male doctors approached me with paperwork and asked me to sign, explaining he had to have my consent. My mind was very confused and chaotic at the time. All I recall thinking is that I was insane and then contradicting that thought with the opposite thought. I recall seeing myself sign the sheet. I could see a large J or looped L in my name.

I then saw them do something with my wrist/hand. I thought I was also stamped or ID’d but I am not sure.

When I got into the chair they placed something over my eyes and the doctor to my right told me to relax. I felt pressure on my temples, more on my right than my left.

The next thing I recall is a very bright white flash. It was then that I left my body.

I spent the next minutes outside my body hovering over it and watching the scene with interest. I felt very detached from my body. I knew it was mine but I did not care much about it. I saw that I had blue colored goggles or something over my eyes, was wearing a hospital gown and had something over my feet. I was also strapped securely into the chair. I saw the man on my left standing over a machine that was gray in color with a black knob. I also saw the grayish colored stone of the room and the tile ceilings. There was various wires around my body as well and what I think might have been an IV bag.

I heard the man on my right say, “Are you okay?” and I was back in my body. I felt very confused and disoriented. I could not remember who I was or where I was. The feeling was not scary at first but then it was, especially as I began to feel my body. I had sensations in my present body of being very hot and wanting to clench my teeth. I also had the odd sensation that my teeth were made of wood and solid. The hot sensations eventually passed after I went through the life a number of times in order to find all the details.

After the procedure was done, they had me stand and then sit in the wheelchair. They asked me questions I could not answer and I was told it would be okay several times. I remember feeling very mentally dull but it was clear that my disorganized thoughts were gone. In fact, almost all thinking was gone. I was very sad afterward, thinking, “It didn’t work” over and over.

I knew prior to the ECT that I had been suffering from major depression to the point of catatonia. I had suffered greatly at the hands of my abusive husband. I eventually lost it when he began to beat our daughter and I met him at our front door with a rifle of some sort and shot him in the shoulder. He did not die but you can imagine the trauma that came of it, especially since I was a Black woman in the South.

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Doing the Work

As you may have noticed from my most recent post, I am digging into my past lives again. I will be doing this for at least the next few weeks. As a result my posts will likely be focused upon these adventures more than on anything else.

Doing the Work

After today’s session it was clear to me that right now I am doing the work myself right now rather than the kundalni doing it. This is okay with me because I am having fun, but I it also allows me to stay more present in my body and this physical reality. Uncovering past lives and the unconscious decisions, pain and other considerations from those lives is a huge healing process. Not only does one have to confront very different perspectives and realities they have had but they also must re-experience them in order to clear the subconscious of the effects of these other lives. When done correctly, a person will feel much relief as they are unburdened from the weight of those lives and past decisions. It also allows one to be more present in this life; their attention no longer occupied by times long past. With each past life “erasure” there is another deceptive layer peeled off the conscious mind. When they are all peeled away one is left with the true self, unhindered by debris that has built up life after life.

Observations

I noticed something that may or may not lead to a discovery about myself. As I recall and re-experience more and more past lives, I am seeing just how very different I am in each of these lives. While re-experiencing the life, the thoughts I thought and the feelings I had resurface. I am many times able to get a good idea of my personality and patterns in the life as well. It has always amazed me that I am so very different life after life. I do not seem to have a “set” personality that continues unchanged from life to life. I had always thought that I would maintain some part of the “me” I know from life to life and that I would see evidence of it. Yet, I have yet to see any semblance of myself in this life in any of my other lives.

What do I see? Well, I see patterns or themes that are recurring. It is very obvious to me that I chose to play the role of victim in many of my “recent” lives (this is in quotes because I can see this pattern arising from late BC). I also notice that I have many of the same expectations of myself life after life. For example, in every life except for a few I have judged myself very harshly for not making better decisions and/or having more love or empathy for the people I interacted with.

There are also lives in which I very obviously came to experience one thing specifically. The life I recently wrote about where I was killed in combat is one of those lives. It is very different from the lives I have recalled so far in that I was in no way concerned about anyone or anything except my job which was to kill the enemy. I had no emotion, no regret, no guilt. I almost appeared to be “brain washed” into believing my sole purpose was to die for whomever I served. So far this is the only life where I have encountered a total lack of emotion upon death. Very disturbing but it served its purpose.

Finally, I notice that the farther back I remember, the “lighter” I feel when I re-experience those lives. There is an obvious lack of concern about things to come and a more adventurous attitude in general. For example, when I “failed” prior to around 1000BC I took the attitude of “I will get it right next time” rather than feel loss about whatever I failed at. This observation lends me to believe that there is some truth to how experiences in our past lives build up and impact our present self.

ascensionThe Reality of the Ego

Probably the most impressive realization of all these past life memories is just how very real the Ego is and the purpose it serves. From what I am gathering from just how very different I am life after life, it appears that the Ego is exactly what I have read it to be. It acts as our suit of personality from life to life. It is the overcoat we wear and then toss off after death. It is in fact the very reason for the differences in myself that I perceived as I re-experienced life.

The very acceptance of this is difficult for me because there is a part of me (the Ego of course!) that does not want to “disappear” when I die. I fear it so much that I grapple with ways to preserve what I perceive to be me. But my observations prove to me the opposite happens when I die. The Ego does not disappear, it is re-absorbed back into the True Self. When this happens that aspect of the Self rejoins the other aspects. This does not always happen at the moment of death but the process does begin at that point. How do I know this? Because I was able to see the two me’s distinctly at the time of my death. This was very obvious in the life where I was hanged. Though not yet merged the two aspects of myself were distinct. The one was frantic and panicked, the other was patient and understanding of the experience. From other memories of life between life I know that it takes time for the Ego to be reabsorbed completely, too. In these memories I was able to follow the Ego as distinctly separate for quite some time after death. Because these memories are not complete it leaves me wondering – does the Ego serve another purpose between life that I have yet to recall?

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Blasting Through the Past

Today I went into session and ran into quite a few past lives.

France, 16AD

The first thing I remember about this life was my death. I was hung and I was forced outside my body when I couldn’t breathe. I would go back into my body only to be forced out again the next time I lost consciousness.This went on for at least a half hour. The people who hung me left my hands free and what do you do with your hands when you are hung? You try to rip the rope out from around your throat. But it is futile.

Why was I hung? I immediately recalled the previous weeks where I had been sneaking off with a young maiden into the woods and doing unholy things. I was found out and immediately dragged to a tree and hung. Oh the things one will do for love (or sex in this case!). I also recall that I was a simpleton in that life. Not exactly bright. The main thought in my mind when I was dying was “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid” along with a feeling that “they” had been right about me all along.

While recalling this life/death, I felt in my physical body areas of the past pain “light up” and then “turn off”. Specifically the top of my head where they had hit me when they took me down, the tips of the fingers on my right hand where I grabbed the noose, and the very top vertebrae of my spine. My heart chakra was also buzzing with energy the entire time. It always amazes me how trauma “recurs” in the body when it is remembered, even if it is from a very, very long time ago.

Eastern Europe, Early Middle Ages during Roman rule

I recalled my death and again I was at the point where I was forced out of my body by an impact. This time I had been wounded by an axe-like weapon.

I saw my body laying on the ground face up in reddish colored dirt. I was wearing a copper-colored armor of some sort but it obviously didn’t protect me against the weapon that hit me. I had a huge gash from my right shoulder down to my left hip and it there was a red, gaping wound in between.

I hovered over the body for about ten minutes very alert to the fact that I was mortally wounded and not really caring about much else. I was not conscious of being OOB. I thought I was dreaming. I remember not having any guilt or remorse from life and thinking only of my duty which was to kill the enemy.

India or Asia, around 600BC

This was a memory of my birth. What was odd is that I recall not being in my new body until after I/it came into the world. I waited and watched my mother give birth to me. She was very pale skinned and completely naked. She was also covered in sweat and making a lot of noise, screaming and moaning. The room was dark with a reddish hue and there were women helping her give birth.

When the baby, my new body, came out I instantly went into my new body. But I could not breathe. There was something over my face and I gasped for my first breath. On top of that, I was allowed to fall to the floor and it was some distance though the fall was not a hard one. I felt my new tiny heart pounding in my chest as I struggled to live. I heard my mother screaming, “No!” and heard a woman tell another woman to get a sheet. It was not in a language I am familiar with so it took me quite a while to translate what I heard.

Then I was looking up at this woman who had medium toned skin and straight, long black hair. She also had something on her face, either tattoos or jewelry. She looked down at me and pulled away whatever was covering my face. I took a breathe and was relieved and calm. The woman was kind and saying something under her breath. I believe she was praying or inciting something. She touched my forehead several times and I heard my mother call out, “I want to see him”. There was quite a bit of fuss over me and my state at this time and though I struggled to remember the exact words there was a sense that these women thought me to be very special. I specifically recall hearing myself referred to as “one who sees”.

As I think back to this life I am enthralled by it. I knew I chose to enter my new body last minute on purpose. I also knew I was born in the caul that life. That was why I couldn’t breathe. I made the decision never to come into my new body that late again. It was much too traumatic!

Finally, I wonder about the situation into which I was born. My mother was white in comparison to the women who helped her birth me. Were they slaves? I wonder….

oliveMiddle East/Mediterranean, during Egyptian rule 1000BC

This memory is a short one. I initially recall being in the branches of a tree reaching to pick a fruit. I knew the fruit was an olive and that I was a young boy of around 8-9 years of age. The memory continues with me slipping and falling to my death. I hit my head and snapped my neck.

In going over the memory I knew that I was in a rural area that was either occupied or ruled by Egypt at that time. The year was about 1000BC, though it was hard to determine because I don’t think years were thought of that way back then. My mood was very happy and care-free. I had no idea what was about to befall me and when it happened I did not feel any pain.

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Facade

I awoke at 4am. I don’t remember my dreams but I do remember “thinking” from within a dream-like state. I was remembering and replaying in my mind a memory from a long time ago.

It was the day our senior class voted on various items prior to graduation. All 33 of us gathered in a small classroom and Mr. F stood in front of the class and began explaining all the slots that needed to be voted upon. First up was the “Most likely to Succeed” category for one male and one female senior. Every year these spots went to the class Valedictorian and Salutatorian if they were male and female. I expected to be nominated when my name was called. I did not expect for someone to nominate my best friend who was 4th in rank. I also did not expect her to accept the nomination.

I remember a classmate of mine looking my way and raising her eyebrows. She knew what was going on. Everyone did. The person who had nominated my best friend was a girl who had hated me ever since middle school when I had called her out in front of the entire class for attempting to cheat off my Algebra test. Unfortunately for me, she was a very popular girl. Not only was she beautiful (flawless good looks) but she was also a cheerleader and the leader of the “popular” girl group. All the boys drooled over her but most girls secretly hated her. I was one of the few to voice my disapproval of her. This was common for me. I rarely kept my opinions to myself. Unfortunately for me, this created in her a huge enemy and she often badmouthed me to others.

When my best friend agreed to the nomination, I knew she would win. Everyone liked my best friend. Few really liked me. In fact, I had no other close friends. My heart sunk a little because I was certain this meant a humiliation was coming for me. I thought about withdrawing but I had hope that my best friend would withdraw her nomination at the last minute. I held my breath as we were sent outside during the vote.

As we waited outside, I looked at my best friend who smiled at me. I asked her why she accepted the nomination. She said, “Why wouldn’t I?” I was surprised by her candor and lack of consideration of my emotions. This was unlike her. I told her, “You know you will win”. She just smiled and said, “We’ll see”.

When we went inside, I already knew the outcome. The popular group, led by the girl who had hated me since middle school, clapped loudly and congratulated my best friend. I sat down without looking in their direction and quietly looked toward the front of the room. The girl who had looked at me with suspicion earlier told me, “I tried to get them to vote for you, but she kept arguing against it. I’m sorry. You deserved it”. She put her hand on my shoulder to offer me her sympathy. I also felt the eyes of several others looking in my direction. I fought back tears as I looked past the girl and ignored the looks of everyone else. I knew if I looked that I would cry and I could not let them see that and win.

We continued to vote, but it was all a blur to me for the most part. I numbly participated and continued to get comments from the girl next to me about how unfairly I was treated. I wanted to crumple into a heap on the floor, but I stood my ground and held it all in. I really, really hated that girl!

When it came time for the class moto, no one had any ideas. I was wearing a t-shirt that day with a cartoon of a fish being hooked by a fishing pole. It said, “So far, so good” on it. The girl who hated me since middle school pointed at my shirt and said to everyone, “How about what her shirt says?” Of course, everyone loved the idea and it instantly became the class moto. I was a bit surprised by this. Why would that nasty girl do that? Was she trying to look good to everyone else because she knew people were thinking she potentially swayed the earlier vote? Did she feel guilty or was she just caring about how she looked? Most likely the latter.

When we were finished, I left the room and waited for my best friend outside of it. I asked her why she accepted the nomination, explaining the girl was obviously trying to create a conflict between us. She seemed surprised and a bit condescending when she responded, “Why wouldn’t I? Did you think I would step down? They thought I deserved it.” I got a bit upset with her and said, “It was supposed to go to me and you know it” and walked away without giving her a chance to respond. I noticed that one of the girls she had been hanging out with approached as I was leaving.

That was in the spring prior to graduation. I had noticed a gradual distancing from me that started after the Christmas holiday. At first it was not too noticeable but eventually it became obvious. She began to call me less and less frequently. When I inquired about it she would tell me that she did something with a girl who was a grade level below us. This girl was known to smoke pot and drink. When I inquired why we were not hanging out as much she said, “I want to meet new people”. I remember thinking that she was being nice but really just didn’t want to be my friend. I pushed the thought away and did not allow myself to angry. I decided I would just hang out with other people, too. So I started working more and spending more time with my coworkers who were also students.

What was most upsetting was that we had chosen the same school to go to. I should have changed schools the minute she began to avoid conversations about going to school together. I didn’t even attempt to room with her. Through the summer we still hung out, but she was hot and cold about our friendship, as if she wasn’t yet sure if she wanted to still be friends. Once school started, I bumped into her during registration and she completely gave me the cold shoulder and acted like she didn’t even know me. I remember feeling like a complete fool. I finally got the message that I was on my own for my first year of college. A few times we saw each other on campus. She told me she was sorry and continued to explain her actions away as being related to her trying to “find herself”. She hung out with people totally different from me, so it really didn’t matter by then. Plus, she continued to hang out with people who did drugs and a few times told me of her one-night-stands. I was not into that kind of thing.

When I awoke, I entered a moment of intense grieving over the memory. I have often wondered what happened. She has apologized to me several times, saying she was “confused” and that the divorce of her parents put her into a tailspin. I accepted this as I really just wanted my friend back, but I knew I would never fully trust her again.

As I thought about this, I recalled her once telling me why she continued to be friends with a girl who was horribly self-centered and treated others as objects. She told me, “I feel sorry for her”. That statement has long stayed with me, but I never knew why.

Then I wondered, perhaps she was friends with me because she felt sorry for me? I was always very blunt and opinionated growing up. I did not like it when people blindly followed others and felt I had to point out to them the fault in that. It often isolated me from others and by high school I had no true friends of my own.

Perhaps she felt she could help me, too? She often described herself as a “giver” and one time told me that she attracted “takers” into her life. I, of course, assumed I must be a “taker” since we were friends. All of a sudden, I recognized this to be totally untrue about myself. I gave so much to her. I loved her like family and would have done anything for her. The fact is, that she was as much a taker as a giver and that, at some point, I did not give her enough to satisfy her.

I became suddenly very angry at her. I began to cuss her out in my mind and eventually the emotional hurt dissipated. The anger did not last, though, as I remembered that we were both playing our pre-determined roles. I distanced myself from that role and looked upon our friendship as an observer would. A peace fell over me as I successfully disconnected from the memory.

I saw why I was the way I was in high school. I recognized that I am still much like that young girl. I still separate myself from groups. I still bluntly point out or criticize others who do not fit my own ideals. I continue to not have many friends. I continue to travel my own path, often very alone and isolated from others. I seem to just not fit in and the more that this occurs, the more I resent those who do. This further isolates me from others as it keeps me from finding any connections with them. I always assume they will not like me, so they don’t. I justify my continued self-imposed isolation by pointing out the failures and shortfalls of others. This cycle is a continued cycle of self-suppression. I do not like it.

Then I think about my friend and how her chosen role was “giver”. She sought to help others who she perceived needed her help. At the time, I was “loner” yet I wanted desperately to not be, so I opted to try on the role of “follower” while also retaining my “loner” facade. We fit each others purpose, so we became friends. I followed her and did so quite well, becoming completely blind to many things about her. She fed my ego in many ways, as I did hers. She allowed me to continue to be the “loner”, sharing it with me, or so that is what I allowed myself to see. In reality, she was my friend but she had many other friends who merely tolerated my presence because of her. I wonder how many people asked her, “Why are you friends with her?” I know she told me she was once asked that about me. I wonder if she told them, “Because I feel sorry for her”? I suspect she did respond this way, as most of her friends tolerated my presence until she opted to unfriend me during our senior year.

In recalling all this, I became angry at myself for not being true to who I was. I recognized the fear that held me captive. To confront my only friend would surely alienate me from her forever. It far was easier to forgive her than to confront everything I can see so clearly now. I imagined telling her off. I imagined how life would have been had I not allowed myself to be treated that way. And I recognized how much I needed her. I do not think I would have survived my high school experience without her assistance, even though I was blind throughout much of it. I needed to be ignorant of the truth. I could not have handled it and may have spiraled into a very deep depression.

Then I thought about her life since we graduated high school. How she chose the path of drug use and wanton sex with strangers. How she ended up married to an alcoholic and porn addict. How she felt forced into having an abortion because he didn’t want a baby and she couldn’t confront the idea of bringing a baby into a world without a father. How she cheated on him and then divorced him to marry the man she cheated with. Then, when she was finally happy, she got cancer and had to confront the possibility of death. For a moment I was in awe of her. I began to compare myself to her, thinking I must be a coward. Then my guide reminded me, “You have already done all of that”. I knew he was right. I just chose to do those things over entire lifetimes while she bunched them up all into one. We were different, that is all. There is nothing good or bad about the ways we chose to live. It is the choices and the lessons we learn that matter.

Life Facades

In the book I am reading there is much discussion about facades, or masks we wear in life. These are all aspects of us that, if allowed to have too much control, can run amok and cause us all kinds of problems. These facades are many, but most of us has a major one we struggle with for many lifetimes. This main facade breaks into smaller ones as we try to compensate for it when it runs amok. I was able to quickly see my role as “loner” in this life as one of these offshoot facades. I instantly recognized my attempt to compensate for my main role which had run amok on me life after life: leader.

I was able to see after that the many offshoot facades that developed as I tried to control my power monger facade. In truth, my main facade is leader, but unfortunately, the leader is not always a good one. My leader has three offshoots that I have been able to identify thus far – the teacher, the power monger and the masochist. Each of these offshoots has smaller facades that were created to help play them out. For example, the teacher facade came out in my lives as a philosopher, teacher and psychic. It is currently still trying to come through, as it will always do. In past lives I have run into the negative side of this facade, the power monger, so many times and suffered horrible results that I have sworn to never let that side of me prevail again. This has led me to explore other facades that help me suppress the power monger. The masochist is among the most explored of these facades. I have been a nun, a victim, a follower and a loner all in order to try to avoid the power monger aspect of the leader.

In taking on the many facades I have in multiple lives I have run into major fear of myself. It is sad, really, that I so fear the potential of my power monger aspect. Yet, I completely understand it. I have recalled past lives where I have allowed the power monger to wreak havoc. For example, I had a past life from another planet where I led a large group of colonists to a planet I knew was about to be destroyed. I did this to make money with full knowledge of what I was doing. I dropped off hundreds of hopeful families and left them to die, which they did, and continued on without much thought other than to the amount of profit I made. This was way before my time on Earth. Yet this facade followed me to Earth, the fear of it causing me to embrace other facades like teacher and police officer, which allowed my leader to shine without giving the power monger the fuel it needed to do harm.

As long as I can remember, I have feared my potential for destruction yet at the same time longed for positions of power and prestige. I came into this life bossing people around and taking little interest in anything but myself. As I grew older and my conscience kicked in, I began to associate this negative aspect of my personality with the hurt it caused others and myself. It is as if I remembered my past lives without knowing it. Only now, as I delve deeper into myself, do I see the true extent of the destruction I have caused along my life path. It is no surprise to me that I seek to help and bring out the positive attributes of my leader self while suppressing the power monger.

The loner aspect I currently implore, serves to disassociate me from groups which in the past have been a springboard for the power monger facade. It also helps me introvert more, therefore asking questions of myself that I need to ask in order to grow. At the same time, the teacher aspect of myself came out and, though I resisted it at first, became a positive outlet for my leader self. In addition, I opened up to my spiritual ability which enhanced my teacher self while also enticing my power monger. Thankfully, it was not my intent in this life to push the limits of my leader because I do not believe I am yet strong enough to overcome the negative aspect of it.

Edit: Happy birthday, Daddy. I’ve missed you.

by

The Blue Light People – May, 2012

This was a dream I had a few weeks ago and it was so detailed and real-like that I still remember every bit of it. I am convinced that it is connected to a past life of mine, probably a looooong time ago on some distant and now extinct planet. Then again, there is always the possibility that it is just a dream created in my subconscious as I slept but with all the past lives I have remembered and my conviction that we are all very, very old souls who have lived numerous lives, I am convinced that this dream is composed of real memories.

The first scene of the dream opened with me (a young, short woman with shoulder length brown hair) and a group of people who I considered family but who were not connected to me by blood. We were on assignment in a new land (planet), sent to figure out why communication with the inhabitants had suddenly stopped. We came to a large lake that was so big we couldn’t see the other side. Across it was a bridge but it was not a typical bridge, it was made of wood like a typical bridge but instead of being built up on pillars over the water, it spread out across the top of the water like a never-ending pier. It was wide enough to fit two cars and when we walked on it, it moved and adjusted itself to our weight. It was like walking on a water bed!

When we got to the other side we saw a blonde woman, unkempt and dirty with a frantic look in her eye. She actually looked like she was a bit crazy, her eyes wide and erratic. She saw us, dropped something and fled into the undergrowth. The entrance to the compound was eerily quiet but in perfect order. I went and stooped down to pick up what the woman had dropped. It was an ID card with her picture on it. I used the card to gain entrance to the compound, swiping it on a device standing near the entrance.

When we went inside there was no one around. No mess, no disorder, just quiet and still, as if awaiting everyone’s arrival. We saw the reception desk and moved around to a small room. It was set up like a gathering place but also had merchandise like jewelry and clothing on racks in the back of the room. Our leader told us to gather what we needed/wanted, and so I picked up a box and began to rummage through the items, picking out a nice necklace and some other things I felt I might need.

We left the gathering place and went into the courtyard or commons area. There were overgrown gardens and some debris littering the ground. I noticed three white goats tied to a fence. They were alive but very skinny. I went and released them but only one moved toward the grass it had been unable to reach when it was tied up. The other two were in apathy, resigned to die despite their freedom.

After the compound and finding no inhabitants remaining, we moved out to the dirt roads that had been used by the inhabitants to get from one compound to the next. We traveled down one for a while, meeting no one along the way, until we came upon a refueling station. At the entrance of the station there was an emergency vehicle. It had a compartment for storing the deceased. It was abandoned and had long run out of fuel, it’s door wide open. This was the first sign that something had gone wrong. We went inside the store to investigate.

As we entered the store looked much like the compound we had explored. It, however, was obviously meant to provide for the immediate needs of the people who passed through. It had a dining area with vaulted ceilings that were held up with large wooden beams and decorated with elaborate lighting. The shop was simple, with a clerk’s station and rows of clothing and other items to choose from. I remember looking at small children’s shoes and thinking of my current daughter (in this life). This was one of the few places where my current life seemed to intervene and take over for a short time in the dream.

While I was browsing the shoes a young girl, about 15, came running out of nowhere. She was upset with me because I was rummaging through things and not putting them back in their place. Like the blonde woman we encountered initially upon entering the compound, this girl’s eyes were wild and she seemed frazzled and mentally unstable. She muttered something I could not understand and started putting things back in their places. At one point she got so upset that she stopped and clearly said, “You’ll be sorry”. She did something I did not recognize and looked up at the vaulted ceiling. Night was approaching and I could see the colors of the sunset through the windows in the top of the ceiling. As I looked up I saw a strange blue light with yellowish coloring around the edges. It built up from the base of the ceiling on four or five sides and all parts of the light came together in the center. It got very bright and stayed that way for a while. All this time the young girl was looking up and smiling a crazy smile. She said, “The Blue Light Army is coming” and then scurried away out of the building and into the shadows that were quickly becoming darker as night approached.

Everyone in my group began to feel anxious. Something was wrong. I remember thinking, “What was the Blue Light Army?” We all assumed the blue light was a bad omen, a beacon calling this “army” to come. What would they do? Would they capture us? Kill us?

We didn’t have much time to figure out what to do. The night was falling quickly and one person alerted the rest of the group to look out the windows. When I looked there was a blue haze that stretched in all directions. It was building and getting closer to the building and within it I could see the outlines of individual human-like figures. The blue haze was all around and those that had thought of escaping to the outside, me included, quickly changed their minds. We all decided to climb up onto the wooden beams in the ceiling in hopes of staying hidden.

We waiting in the ceiling, holding our breaths. I remember thinking to myself, “Be quiet” and hoping others would do the same. I listened and it was quiet; not one sound. It was a terrifying silence. I heard a creak as the door opened and looked down through the darkness and blue haze, trying hard to find out what this Blue Light Army looked like.

A man walked through the door. He was wearing normal clothing, not armor. He had no weapons. He looked normal. He was followed by a woman, and then another man, and another man, and another. All of them seemed normal except that they had this blue light, like an aura, surrounding them. There were so many of them that they crowded into the space making it look tiny.

What kind of army was this? This was no army!

I relaxed a bit. There was no reason to be afraid! Obviously, some of the others in my group also relaxed because one slipped a bit and knocked a piece of wood onto the floor. All the people of this supposed army stopped and looked up. We had been discovered. Specifically, the man who slipped and made the noise had been discovered.

The passive group of blue light people instantly changed into a mob of intensely crazy animal-like savages. As they looked up I could see their eyes, they were an intense blue and bright but ominously empty of life. One tall one reached up and grabbed the leg of the man who had made the mistake of moving. He was dragged down into the crowd of blue light people. I heard him shriek and say, “No!” Within seconds he could not be seen. The group of blue light people enveloped him and savagely tore at his body. I looked away to avoid seeing the carnage. It was awful and my heart sank into my stomach.

I jumped down from my hiding place and raced towards the door of the building. Others in my group did the same. We ran outside and into the undergrowth, away from the grizzly scene, panicked from the chaos we had just witnessed. We were not followed by the blue light people. We hid in the undergrowth for the rest of the night, scared to move and praying we would not be discovered.

In the morning I awoke and looked around me. I noticed the strange plants around us. They were small bushes with oddly shaped leaves. There was water nearby from a lake. Scattered at our feet were tiny, yellow fruit. I picked one up and ate it. It was good so I gathered some up for later.

We all quietly gathered together and moved farther into the woods. We would be avoiding the roads from now on. We hoped to find the people that the blonde woman and young girl surely lived with. But where were they? How could we find them? The blue light people were obviously infected with something or had become crazed from living on this planet. We did not want to contract whatever they had, but we did not know enough about it to be sure we could avoid it. I felt a bit paranoid and scared but knew I must move on. We all felt this way. So we moved on.

When I awoke from the dream the vision of the beacon of blue light stayed with me as did the blue light people. It felt familiar in some way and I was glad that I was not back on that planet facing them. I shivered from the thought of it.

by

Past Lives Part 1: BCE

I have remembered many past lives in my quest for knowledge. Some came about spontaneously, while others were found during auditing sessions. I even found one during a hypnosis session.

Lately I have wanted to write down all my past lives in order from my very first memory to my most recent. I am going to limit the lives on the time line to my Earth lives because I have remembered lives where I was most obviously not on Earth and feel those dates/times will only confuse the time line.

For the first part of the time line I am going to start with those lives I have remembered that are the farthest back, so those during BCE (Before Current Era or Before Christian Era) or the years before Christ’s birth.

BCE is the opposite from AD (meaning Anno Domini or In the year of the Lord) when it comes to how the dating works. Instead of the years counting up from 1 like they do in AD time lines, the years actually count down from as far back in the past as the time the of man’s first ancestors and beyond. In the case of my time line, I am going to start only as far back as my very first past life memory, which was approximately 10,025yrs BCE.

It was during an auditing session that I remembered this very distant past life. It was quite surprising to me because 1. it was so amazingly vivid and 2. my surroundings and the way my body looked and felt were so different from my surroundings and the way my body looks/feels in this life.

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My first impression upon remembering this life was the feeling of the moist, wet ground under my feet and the rough textures of the leaves and sticks that occasionally poked my feet as I walked over them. I looked up and noticed a canopy of green many feet high over my head. As my eyes spanned the area to my left and right I saw more trees and thick greenery and noticed I was walking in a line, probably about the fifth or sixth person in a line of maybe 30 or more people.

My first thought was “Wow!” but then I stared wondering, “Where am I? What do I look like? When is it?” I looked down to see if I could get a glimpse of my body and was shocked at what I saw. My belly was protruding and I quickly concluded that I was very, very pregnant, and obviously female. I also noticed that I was unclothed and that my body was covered in a down-like medium brown hair that was thicker down the middle of my stomach and lighter on the edges. Where my naval would normally be was a lighter colored area where the skin had been stretched by my growing baby. I noticed that my arms and legs were also covered in hair and that my skin tone was a medium color, but a bit lighter than the hair. I was no animal, however, I was very obviously human. My hands and feet were familiar and so was the way my body felt. I don’t think I was very tall, maybe 4-5ft tall, but the others in line in front of me were a varying heights, some taller and some shorter than myself.

As I continued along the time track of that life I felt a moist sensation between my legs and heard a loud noise, it was a human sound like a call or holler. I instantly knew I needed to leave the line and find a safe place to hide. I was having my baby.

I veered off to my left and went through the thick underbrush. It was getting dark and I was afraid. I had not been away from my group before. I knew I needed to find shelter and made my way to an outcropping of rock. It was a familiar place so I think I had been there before.

As night approached I began to feel pain in my stomach. It was horrendous and I tried to keep quiet but could not hold back and several times I let out a horrible screech. I remember hearing a return call from the distance which reassured me. They were waiting for me. I could only figure that “they” meant my group/family.

Deep in the night I finally gave birth. The experience was one that I relived but only partially, of which I am grateful. I remember seeing the dark rock, glistening with moisture and looking at the moist dirt at my feet and feeling an intense desire to push. When I finally did push it was not long before my baby was born.

When I reach down to pick up my new born baby I was concerned. There were no cries. The silence was deafening. I could not see well, but I could make out a small form on the ground and could see the umbilical cord at my feet. I picked up the baby and shook him. Still no noise. I began to panic. I knew he was suppose to cry but he wasn’t! There were no rational thoughts at this time, I must add. It was as if my mind in that life was unable to process the info or had no words with which to think. The feelings were raw and very real. I was frantic. I began to pound the baby on the back with my hands but still no crying. The longer the silence continued the more frantic I got. Eventually I began to slam the baby into the ground. I was no longer sane in my mind. I was a grieving mother who did not know what to do with this unfamiliar emotion. I did not cry, I wailed. I remember feeling the emotion as it poured out of me – a mixture of fear, panic, sadness and frustration. I have never felt such emotional agony in this life.

I finally left the baby on the ground and spent a few moments in a daze looking at him. He was lifeless and I was exhausted. It felt like I stood there in that state for an eternity, my grief finally leaving me exhausted and numb.

Finally I heard a cry from a distance. It was like a “Whoop! Whoop!” I knew it was my family calling to me. They were closer now. They had not left me.

I had an overwhelming urge to rejoin them. I knew I had to. I knew I could not stay there long. The smell of the blood from birth would attract animals. I looked at my baby, still lying lifeless on the ground, his body purple in the growing daylight. He was so tiny. He couldn’t have been more than 5lbs. I picked him up hoping he would show signs of life, but he was cold and stiff.  I knew I had to leave him and leave quickly. I didn’t want to. There was a feeling of agony here, like my heart being stabbed a thousand times. My son was dead but somehow I still held onto hope that he would revive. I didn’t want to leave him.

Finally, with the sun on the horizon, I heard another call and I called back. I put my son down by the outside of the cave. I looked back at his tiny body laying on the yellow-green moss that covered the ground. I didn’t say goodbye other than to look back that one last time. There I left him without burying him.

That was my life in 10,025BCE.

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1618BCE

I found myself sitting down at a desk. In front of me was a thick, yellowing paper with writing on it. The writing was unfamiliar to me in this life but somehow I knew it was Greek. I looked out the window in front of me and saw a plume of smoke rising out of a mountain top in the distance. I knew it was a volcano erupting. I knew I was a man, and a large one at that because I could feel my body and it felt large. It also felt old and not in the best of health. I could see my belly as I looked down at my body and saw that I was wearing what looked like a robe but it was tan or off white in color. There was a glass of wine on my desk and I drank the last of it. The glass was made of some kind of pottery. I got up and barked out orders to my family to make haste. We needed to leave the area as quickly as possible because soot and ash were already covering the sky in the distance and the plum of smoke was making its way towards us.I remember wondering what the date was. I instantly knew it was 1618.

As I rushed to get out of the path of the volcano, the ground shook. I could see the ground as I ran about, it was stone or very packed earth. I saw articles of clothing strew about and my feet, which were in some kind of cloth looking booty, similar to house shoes. The ground shaking made my steps uneven and I stumbled more than once. I climbed onto the back of a reddish brown colored horse and pushed him down a cobblestone path that was only wide enough for about two horses. On the right side of the road was a steep, stone outcropping that continued up the side of a very high hill or mountain. To my left was a drop off that went down I don’t know how many feet. The road was definitely cut into the side of a steep hill or mountain. The ground shook again and the horse reared up. I lost my grip and was thrown. My head hit the cobblestone and I couldn’t move. My last memory of that life was seeing the cobblestone and smelling smoke. I could see my body as I left it. My head was red with blood and my hair was gray and long and I had a beard that was about a foot long and kind of raggedy looking. I could see my body very clearly at that time. It was round and I was indeed wearing a robe that was tied at my waste and went down to my ankles. I could also see the area where I was and it was indeed on a steep mountainside and there were many more mountains in the distance and a glimmering of water to my left. The sky was dark with black ash and I could see sparks of red and orange embers in the air. Where the volcano was rumbling all I could see through the haze was a vague outline of the peak and a reddish glow.

**Later I researched this life and found out that this volcanic eruption was real. The Santorini eruption in the Mediterranean occurred at the date I remember this life to be.

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 Approximately 1200BCE

I became aware of this life in hypnosis. I could see out a window and saw hundreds of adobe-looking houses stacked along the hillside. I was above them and could see linens of white and browns hanging out windows and could see people walking below me. Most had things on their heads, turbans maybe. I became aware of my body. It was small and dark skinned. I was male. I was maybe 7-8yrs old. I also knew I was a slave or indentured servant of some sort. I could see that the house I was standing in was very small and had a dirt floor. I know I lived there with my mother, but I could not see her.

The memory faded as quickly as it came. I was able to grasp the date and that I was in Egypt before the memory fully faded away.

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