Not a usual thing for me, I know, but poetry seemed appropriate at this time. Sometimes there is just so much emotion and too few words.
The Dream that Persists
Ease is what I wish yet resistance is what I find. How to allow and be at peace through this troubling time is heavy on my mind.
My heart is where I need to be yet within it pain hides. Fear of a deepening despair taking me out with the tide. An undercurrent is all I find.
If only I could recover the trust in what my heart tells me. Where once it resided is empty demolished by what was unseen. What’s left is beyond repair.
Even my dreams offer no counsel; silence from without and within. Asking me to feel the sorrow so I can feel the love again. It’s just too much for me to bear.
I wish I could open the window to my heart like I once did. But I’ve locked it on purpose afraid the pain will come again. Yet I outstretch my hand…
Have I been forgotten? Has it all been in vain? If only I had known I’d have avoided this pain. Tell me you understand…
If this is all an illusion why does it feel so real? Bound by contracts forgotten Unheard my every appeal. Tell me you feel it, too…
Through the veil I feel peace reaching through to take my hand. Yet I feel undeserving preferring another reprimand. The rewards seem so few.
Yet I listen and find hope, somehow it still exists in this darkened space by that window to the dream that persists.
I meant to post this yesterday but after the video wild goose chase I waited until this morning. Plus, I had an interesting evening. I’ll share that later.
Anyway, I did a video post on a portion of what happened yesterday, but that is only a small portion of the story.
A memory of a poem I wrote, probably in 1993-94, came to mind quite suddenly yesterday morning. It was fitting, considering I awoke feeling that I couldn’t do much more waiting around. Here is the poem:
I cannot stand this idleness My mind lies dormant; unfocused, dead My fears rise higher, capsize and break like waves of water, receding hate.
In the video I posted, I only mentioned the one poem, but I found several others. I don’t write poetry anymore, but I use to all the time. I also use to draw all the time, too, and I must admit I am not too bad an artist. I’m not sure why I stopped. I had poetry and artwork in the last few pages of my memory book. Seeing/reading them really transported me back in time yet I felt that that girl no longer existed. It is almost like my life back then was a past life not connected at all to the current one I am living.
Here are some other poems:
Untitled
From within my soul blackness thickens, stealing and spoiling my good intentions leaving no feeling no sorrow, no joy taking and making me, its new toy.
This one had a drawing with it:
Dealing with Dragons
Hot breath of the dead rides with the wind to find a fair maiden whose self cannot fend.
Foulest of creatures meets bringer of life no battle or struggle just internal strife.
Eyes of red fire look into blue skies good repels evil truth reveals lies.
Some other cool info from that year:
A gallon of gas $1.27
A haircut was $6
Concert tickets $20
CDs $14.95
Canned soda $.50
Candy bar $.50
Levi’s jeans $25
Other favorites I listed:
Car: Ford Mustang (lol)
Music: Pearl Jam, Metallica, Guns and Roses, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Alice n’ Chains. Aerosmith, Smashing Pumpkins
TV: Married with Children
Movies: Wayne’s Word, The Adam’s Family Values, Geronimo
Clothing: All black, grunge (hahaha)
Guys: They had to have long hair (what??)
Miscellaneous: peacocks, animals of all kinds, books, dreaming, roses (?), cooking, cookies (lol), eating (LOL), fishing, swimming, hanging out with friends, bowling, going to the movies
Authors I liked: David Eddings, Anne McCaffrey, Tolkien, Piers Anthony. I was really into Fantasy novels and read all.the.time.
I was really active in school, or at least as much as I could be considering my school was so small. I was in One Act Play (yeah no joke) and played tennis. I was also in the Color Guard (captain) and band (saxophone) and a total straight A student. I dropped all of it after graduation, even the straight A student part. I sometimes still play tennis but I am no good at it. lol
Really, though, the song was what I was meant to find when I went to my memory book. What is really synchronistic about the song is that prior to listening to it I had read several posts on the topic of happiness. Then the main words that are heard over and over are “Let’s get happy”. Hmmm Yeah, let’s. The song was a “cure” to my moodiness yesterday.
Living Life in Between 