Tag Archives: Projector

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Melancholy is Beautiful

Sorry I’ve been so quiet lately. SO much has been going on with me and I have just not felt inspired to write about it. I’ve also let so much time pass between posts that I am overwhelmed by the amount of “stuff” to write about. There is just SO much!

I don’t even remember what I’ve shared on here and what I haven’t. lol So, if I repeat something – sorry!

Firstly, this entire year has been a dark one for me. Dark in that I have been going through a kind of “gauntlet” of emotional and physical crap. What seemed to be a complete lack of “spiritual adventure” in my life was in fact the opposite! The entire time, unbeknownst to me, I have been changing. I’m still not sure what the end result will be, but I am starting to get glimpses of it. Thank God!

The majority of the dark, heavy stuff began in March. It was a mixture of emotional purging and random physical ailments. I got a message around that time via a dream that a period of change was approaching that would take “100 days”. I didn’t heed the warning, but then, how could I? I had no idea what was coming.

Emotional: Geez! There is too much to put here. Let’s just say I had many, many emotional dreams where I would wake in tears. Often I didn’t even remember the dream that precipitated the tears. Other times I would wake up fixated on some repetitive issue in my life. Then there was the anger. OMG so angry! And when the anger subsided I was anxious and felt completely off. There was no reason or rhyme to any of it. Trying to make sense of it was pointless and only made the experience worse.

Physical: I think I wrote about my heart palpitations, anxiety, extreme tiredness, deeper than deep sleep, and itchy skin with no known cause. Well, all have seemingly resolved – to a point. I had to cut out caffeine altogether and I love coffee. I’ve been drinking decaf for months (it’s okay I guess). Alcohol is also a big no-no, but then I am not a big drinker. I had to increase my turmeric dosage, use prescription cortisone medication, take cool baths nightly and slather myself with Aquaphor for weeks to get rid of the random, angry rashes on various parts of my body. The tiredness was concerning in the beginning. I worried I had anemia or some other condition (could I have cancer?). Now, I feel pretty much back to normal – almost. I still feel like I have to take it easy but I don’t know why. I’ve stopped questioning and coming up with reasons to stay active. Now, if I feel like I should ease up, I do.

August 4-7: Sudden horrible insomnia hits! To go from deeper than deep sleep to no sleep was quite a shock. At first I blamed it on my birthday and being older, but then it stretched out for four nights and each night I had less sleep. The last night I got 1 hour of sleep and had a massive emotional meltdown, crying to the point of not being able to breathe. I ended up seeking out my husband and just having him hold me as I cried (not normal for me). Then, when I thought I was done crying, it happened again and then one more time. You would think I would be exhausted after that? Apparently not. I had one hour of semi-sleep and then it was time to wake up. Interestingly, we were on a family vacation to Washington when my good sleep returned. Oh and the last remnants of itchy spots disappeared on that trip, too.

Messages In-Coming

Since I’ve been back from vacation I’ve had an uptick in messages coming in. Most come in via the environment but occasionally I get a voice message “download” as I wake.

Dimes. I kept coming across dimes on the ground. It was almost daily to the point that I started taking notice. Then, one morning as I woke, I saw a visual of a dime dropping and heard, “Everything can change on a dime”. I’ve not seen anymore dimes after that.

Animal Encounters.
Great horned owl: I had a visit from a great horned owl not long ago. It was night and I was sitting outside when it flew from the ground to the fence and then sat there looking at me.
Squirrel: Found a baby squirrel on the sidewalk. He looked dead but when I touched him he squealed and squirmed. No mom or nest in sight. I was walking my dog so called and had my husband send the kids with a blanket. They came, I scooped up the tiny baby and took her home. Though I know how to raise baby squirrels (did it as a kid), I decided to take her to a rehab center.
Toads: Found a toad near his burrow while watering the garden. Later, I found a dead toad, entrails all pulled out, on my back porch. When I told my kids, my son said he had played with a toad for a long time that day and had also seen the dead one. We thought the toad from the burrow and the dead one were the same but today (a few days later) I saw the toad by his burrow again.
Bunny: This morning I was watering my garden and a baby bunny hopped out, fearless. I went and touched it and it squealed and ran to hide. I left it alone since it was obviously old enough to survive on its own.

Memories. Had a sudden, vivid memory come to me along with a message. The memory was from when I was around 7 years old. I had IBS and that particular day I was playing and was hit hard with cramps. My guidance told me, “Slow down and relax.” I don’t actually recall the exact words but I stopped, relaxed and took deep breaths. The IBS pain went away and I went back to playing. The message with this memory was to do the same in my life now – Slow down, relax and breathe.

Songs. The first one: “Stop chasing shadows, just enjoy the ride.” Then: “Stuck under water. I just need some space.” Finally, Sia: “I’m in here. Can anybody see me? Can anybody help?”

Understanding

Had a dream last night in which I was traveling to Montana. The woman with me was driving and I was in the passenger seat. She stopped and told me to keep the car where it was but she didn’t put it in park. I kept the car where it was by drawing a red circle around it. The circle was tiny, leaving no room for movement, and so kept the car in place. When the woman returned she scowled and asked me why I didn’t drive the car. I said, “I’m not here to drive someone else’s car. I’m here to sleep (dream).” LOL

When I woke up I was smiling about the dream. I’ve been attempting to “drive” everyone’s car but my own. It’s time to drive MY car. There was Knowing with this, like my guidance was telling me, “It’s time”.

The Sia song was in my mind, also. It feels like MY song. My guidance said, “It’s beautiful” and I was reminded of various times in my life when I have been sad but in that sadness was immense beauty. Beauty that was indescribable. The darkness, the sadness, was beautiful to experience because within it was every other emotion and experience. I began to cry, but not from sadness itself, but because I could feel it – ALL OF IT – every emotion all at once. So beautiful!

More memories flooded in, memories of songs I’ve written, paintings I’ve painted, poems I’ve written, dances I’ve danced – all inspired by darkness and melancholy. And my Human Design came to mind. I only have one defined channel, the 1-8 channel of inspiration. This is a channel that finds inspiration from long periods of melancholy. Melancholy is all I consistently know and experience. It is my gift. It is my inspiration.

I recalled another message I received upon waking that I had long forgotten. I was told, “Sing!” the minute I recalled it, memories came one after the other, all of times when I was singing. When I sing I feel correct. I feel “high”. In fact, I use singing when OOB to raise my vibration because that is what singing does.

As I was receiving all of the above I was hearing and thinking, “I am beautiful”. So often I’ve rejected my melancholic tendencies because other people and society reject them. Not anymore. My melancholy is beautiful. My melancholy is my inspiration.

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HD Projector Voice Recording Results

I used a voice recorder to see if it would give me clarity. I talked aloud for nearly 10 minutes and, at first, didn’t feel it helped. However, everything in the post below came after. It was as if talking aloud cleared the debris that was hanging around and muddling things up. So, in that way, it did bring about clarity, just not as I had expected!

From an HD group I’m in:

“…..here’s my current perspective on why Projectors can be mistakenly diagnosed as bipolar [or other mental illness]:

1) Focused & absorbing aura (sensitive to the Other), leads to heightened open center conditioning.
2) Open sacral amplifies Generator energy (70% of population), causing cycles of mania & exhaustion.
3) Not knowing when enough is enough (Open Sacral Not-Self) expresses itself as addiction.
4) Mechanical reliance on being invited (and uninvited) to relationships and circumstances means we can’t correctly initiate our way out of a difficult situation.
5) Bitterness and resentment builds up like layers of oil in a dirty engine, until we finally break down on the side of the road, doomed to a life of jump starts and tow trucks.”

In the last week, I’ve been repeatedly running into the part in bold about Projectors. Firstly, I’m not seeking out this information consciously. In my boredom, I’m looking through my FB groups for things that catch my eye and have now found this particular tidbit of info three time in two days. The time between seeing the info is enough that I forget about it only to rediscover it in a new moment. 

This tiny nugget – or seed – of info has been repeating. Each time it resurfaces it feels to have grown a little more.  

I’m left with questions. If we (Projectors) can’t correctly initiate our way out of a difficult situation, then how then do we break free? Are we reliant on another invitation to free us? What can we do if we can’t initiate our way out? 

My guess is the answer is: Strategy and Authority. 

It doesn’t feel like strategy (wait for the invitation) is part of this decision as much as Authority here. My HS will let me know. She has in the past. It isn’t always obvious, though, and easy to overlook or doubt. My mind gets in the way, that is for sure. There are always a list of very logical reasons not to take action.

The poster of the above quote also does videos. In one he gives an analogy that feels correct to me. He says that a Projector gets stuck in situations (work, relationships) because we go so deeply into the “mud” of the Other that when we come away from it we can’t get it off. We can take a shower and scrub ourselves raw and it still lingers on us. 

I was immediately reminded of how last night I couldn’t sleep after visiting my mom because I kept thinking about her current problems. I thought of what I said to her and how I tried to counsel her and her husband. It was hours before I could finally settle and sleep. THIS is the mud he’s talking about. My guidance would say, “It doesn’t matter.” And I finally accepted that it isn’t MY stuff and let it go. I don’t want nor need to take on and/or solve her problems.

The FB Projector group also answered a question: Why do Projectors need an invitation? To protect us. To keep us from the energetic backlash and resulting “harm” it causes (self-doubt, conditioning, negative self-talk, etc). 

This also brings me to my interaction with my mom and strep-dad yesterday. I tried the counseling method of saying back to them what I was hearing – summarizing. I also pointed out what I was seeing without being overly blunt about it and communicated with short, simple statements. I listened more and said less. I didn’t give them more than they could handle (I tend to say too much, Generators can only digest small amounts of truth – remember, it’s hard to confront what you don’t want to know/see). The statements I made put their feelings first.

My mom got emotional and I let her cry and be upset. When she said she needed to be on anti-depressants because of her emotionality I told her that it is normal to be emotional and okay to feel. She needs to hear that her emotion is OK (she is an emotional MG after all!). Because of how I handled it, I was able to come away form the conversation without feeling bitter or rejected. At one point I sensed they were tiring of a particular topic.  My mom was avoidant in order to not hurt her husband’s feelings and to not be emotional. So, I changed the topic to something they could both handle. I know my mom preferred to be one-on-one with me but when we were alone I didn’t push the uncomfortable topics with her. 

So, even though I received an invitation from both of them, I was able to gauge it correctly so as to not end up with a withdrawal of that invitation.

It is easier when I can distance myself from the situation, remain detached and take things less personally. I tend to take my mom’s “side”, take on her perspective, her emotion, her – everything. If I can be objective it is much easier. I allow myself to feel through all of it without taking ownership of it (consciously or unconsciously). It is very much easier if I remain objective. The statement, “It doesn’t matter” is true because if I remind myself of this then I remain objective and can better navigate the situation. 

This is the solution to my life situation, too. I need to look at everything and distinguish between what is mine and what isn’t. Release ownership for that which isn’t mine; those things don’t matter. Yet at the same time I need to be compassionate to the problems of the Other. It is a “sticky” situation and so necessitates that I be selective, pulling the sticky stuff off little by little so as to not overwhelm the Other which in turn will overwhelm me. 

The most difficult part of remaining objective, for me, is that my children are so much a part of me and my definition of Self. This isn’t an issue with my relationship, really, as I feel very much separate from my husband and able to hold my own in many ways. I’ve been working on maintaining firm boundaries with him for a long time and feel like I’m doing really well. Yet my children feel part of me and so to distance myself from their wants/needs is difficult. 

I think what is most odd for me is that, when I am able to disconnect from all the entanglement with the Other, I am left with very little. I am really so….simple. So simple, so “boring” that I immediately reject it and replace it with what I have been conditioned to believe is ideal. But the scene I pursue is not mine. It is a scene of constant movement and doingness – having a job, money, friends, projects. But my simple – True – Self says I need none of that to be happy. Sure I may need some to survive but aspiring for more than I need is not necessary. Having more is icing on the cake. 

In Costa Rica I was face to face with the simplicity of myself and it made me very uncomfortable. For as long as I can remember I’ve been in near constant motion. Doing and doing until the day is gone. I don’t get tired, not physically, unless I really exert myself. The tiredness that other Projectors speak of, for me, isn’t physical, it’s mental and/or energetic. I lose the ability to tolerate life – people, motion, activity, etc. So it is clear that I’ve been conditioned to accept more doingness than is natural for me. 

Since I live and work in places filled with Generators, the motion I find myself in is an attempt to release all the energy I acquire from those Generators. As long as I live in this house with my Generator family I will have this extra energy. If I don’t move my body to release the energy I feel agitated, grumpy, and cannot tolerate very much. Life feels heavy and burdensome when this pattern goes on for too long. Thus, I find myself seeking a reprieve via a vacation or just extended alone time. 

I am reminded of advice I wanted to give my mom yesterday, but didn’t (because she didn’t ask). The advice was to take one thing and focus on that rather than be overwhelmed by the seemingly endless list of things that need to be done. For her, I wanted to ask her to pick the thing she felt was most important or that needed priority over the others. So, for myself, if I do that, the priority SHOULD be me, but what I tend to do is prioritize Others – my children specifically and then my husband after them.

So, my focus before anything else should be to prioritize myself. Listen to myself, learn to love being the simple version I seem to want to run away from. Stop putting conditions on myself. There is no need to do anything except what feels right in the moment.

Flow. 

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2nd Lines, Projectors and the Holidays

How was your Thanksgiving? Hopefully, a pleasant one. 🙂 Mine was better than usual, but only because I set an intention that it would not be the dreaded, anxiety ridden, energy depleting day it normally is for me.

As a Projector with a 2nd line (6/2 Self-Projected), all holidays, even birthday celebrations, tend to invoke feelings of anxiety among other not so pleasant feelings. It’s not because I’ve had “traumatic” experiences around the holidays, either. It’s because the energy surrounding the holidays is just plain exhausting. The more people involved, the more exhausting. If all holidays just disappeared, it would be fine by me! Well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. I guess I would prefer it if the holidays were slower, involved only very small groups of people (like 6 or less) and focused on the true meaning rather than becoming a “keeping up with the Jones'” materialistic heyday.

Let’s face it. The holidays as we know them – well all large gatherings and celebrations – are Generator created. The Generator motto is “the more the merrier” or “come one, come all!”. Even the hermits (2nd lines) of the Generating type tend to feel this way, though they are more selective when it comes to who’s involved in the gathering. For those of us who are non-Generating types, this leaves us with only two options – choose not to participate at all or suck it up and “deal”. And who really, deep down wants to be left out? We humans need other humans. Even hermits have to go out and interact to stay sane.

In a 2nd line FB group I’m a part of, on Thanksgiving day, a fellow Projector and 2nd line was bragging about how he was happily spending Thanksgiving day alone. Lots of people in the group (all 2nd lines) chimed in about how they were doing the same. This is all and well – to each his own – but I couldn’t help but feel a bit sad for them, too, because, well, just because they are hermits doesn’t mean they aren’t wishing they had at least one other someone to share the day with.

2nd line Hermits do not always want to be alone. And to be clear, alone here means “not around other people” versus alone as in spending time with themselves to heal and get in tune with their own energy. If they say they do, they are lying or they are in temporary recluse mode and it WILL pass. Projectors don’t want to be alone either, and if we say we do, it is because we’ve been rejected so many times that we feel we aren’t wanted anyway. As a 2nd line Projector I can say for a fact that all I want – all I’ve ever wanted – is to be seen and heard and accepted. The ONLY way for this to happen is to be around others. So, if you hear a Projector or a 2nd line boasting about how wonderful their life is because they are alone all the time – be suspicious but don’t argue.

When you get into Human Design, it is easy to over emphasize certain qualities of your profile and type, especially if you recognize something you missed about yourself before. I see this all the time. Projectors thinking they need to sleep all the time. Hermits thinking they should be alone all the time or glorifying alone time. Generators thinking they should have lots of energy all the time. Eventually, as they progress through the deconditioning process, they come into communication with themselves, listening to their strategy and authority, and no longer need to prove anything.

Intention is Everything

This Thanksgiving my husband was out of town (still is) and that left me doing things I prefer not to, like driving and talking to family to coordinate among other things. Driving on the highway is nerve wracking for me these days, mostly because I can sense the other drivers on the road among other things. Talking to family (or anyone), well if it involves phones, is something I avoid, too. So, rather than focus on all the things I didn’t want, I decided to focus on what I did want. I wrote this in my journal Thanksgiving morning:

My plan today is to visualize how I want things to go, to stay in present time as much as I can, to remember to breathe, focus on enjoying family and listen to my authority when it says “enough is enough”. I will also practice active listening and speak only when invited to share my wisdom. So, I probably won’t be talking too much except for normal chit-chat (which I abhor and can’t tolerate for long). If I feel too much, I will find a place to retreat far from Generator auras (at least 12 feet). If someone approaches me while I am in retreat, I will not run but excuse myself graciously without insulting them.

I went on to write about how I’ve experienced the holidays in the past:

For many, the holidays are a time they look forward to. For me, even as a kid I didn’t look forward to the holidays. At least at Christmas there were the gifts, at Halloween, candy and dressing up and Easter, egg hunts and more candy. Now days I don’t look forward to any of them really. They exhaust me just thinking about them. Even birthdays incite a big sigh. I often wish all holidays would be banned or at least limited to immediate family only. The big “come one, come all” gatherings are kryptonite to me. 

The day turned out much, much better than I expected, though, all thanks to setting an intention and keeping my focus in the present moment.

The Day

The drive to my mom’s was stressful but the traffic was low and I kept focusing on my intention. Thankfully, my kids were in good spirits and so that made the drive go much faster.

When we arrived, my mom’s two friends were already there but they were the kind to keep to themselves. They had two small dogs, one a toy Aussie, that reminded me of Monty. The energy was calm and nice. Yay!

When everyone else arrived the energy changed very little and I felt relaxed to the point that my hands were warm and I kept yawning. This is unlike me and surprised me to the point that I mentioned it. My uncle seemed to notice, though, and smiled when he nudged me and told me, “don’t fall asleep”. 

My cousin asked me to come see her new car and then told me about her car accident. This cousin tends to be very talkative and exhausting, but I just listened and acknowledged her and didn’t feel any exhaustion from out interaction. She rolled her car one early morning earlier this year and came out unscathed. She told me she wondered why she was allowed to live, especially when a friend of hers with two children died around the time of her accident. I reminded her that she must be here for a reason.

She also mentioned how, when she looks back on her life, she doesn’t recognize herself anymore and it was at that time I thought to myself, “I bet she is a 6/2 MG”. She told me she had spent her entire savings ($3k) to buy her new car. An idea popped into my head to send her $1,000.00 as a Christmas gift with a note, “To help rebuild your savings”. I thought about telling her but then decided to keep it a surprise. I knew if I had asked her if she wanted money she would’ve told me no.

My cousin sat next to me at dinner and we talked for a bit about lots of various things. The more she told me, the more certain I was that she was a 6/2. Eventually, I brought up human design and asked her for her birth info. When I pulled up her chart I smiled and showed her the profile and type that came up: 6/2 MG! I was spot on!

Afterward, me and the kids went to my cousin’s to look at her new baby goats and chicks. The kids enjoyed it very much as they held goats and little chicks. My little 2/4 Generator boys really loved it! 

On the drive home I realized I still had enough energy to go to the second gathering, something I didn’t think would happen. So, we attended the second gathering, with all my husband’s family and friends. It wasn’t at all bad and I felt very at ease, my hands still warm and my body relaxed. I was even asked how things were going and I explained how relaxed I had been all day and still was. I told them I suspected that the absence of my husband helped with that because he is super energetic. They all agreed, saying, “He’s the most energetic of all of us.”

A coworker and family friend was sitting across from me at the table. I stayed at the table after everyone had left as did he and his new wife. Somehow we got into a conversation and he talked more than I had ever heard him talk before while I practiced active listening. He seemed genuinely pleased to be talking to me, too, not strained or self-conscious. The topic of friends came up and he told me, “I’m not looking for friends. Friend are too much work.” I laughed out loud and said, “You sound like me! I’ve said those exact words many times.” We talked more about it and everything he described sounded very much like me – his avoidance of groups, his preference to be alone, his perception of others. I remember thinking to myself, “He’s either a 2nd line or a Projector…or both.” 

My kids were begging me to leave so I had to literally pull myself away from the conversation because he wanted to keep talking. I did, too, but the kids weren’t having it, so I left. It was so nice to find someone within the group who was like me! In the past I had seen him and suspected he was “different” and now I know why. I was sensing he was like me, same as he was sensing I was like him. 

I’ve never met a male Projector (that I know of) but when I researched his birthday (he is an employee so I have access to it), it turned out he is probably a Projector. I entered various birth times and the morning time and evening times make him a Projector. He is either a 3/5 or 4/6 Splenic Projector. There was no 2nd line in any profile type that came up for him. Based upon my experiences with 3/5 and 4/6 profile types, I would think he fits the 3/5 more, but I can’t be certain since I have limited experience with 4/6. 

Interestingly, I also discovered my SIL (the hostess of the gathering) is also probably a Projector. I kept noticing her energy at the gathering and compared to the others’ energy there, hers is much more accepting and calm. So, I looked up her chart using the information I have (no birth time). She could be a 2/4 Emotional Manifestor, but that only came up once in the 6 birth times I entered. She is either a 3/5, 2/5 or 2/4 Emotional Projector. Since I haven’t asked her birth time, I can only guess which one she is but I know, based upon how calm I feel around her, that she is not a Generating type. My guess is she’s a 3/5 Projector because she doesn’t have hermit tendencies.

If I am right, that means that my husband and his brothers all ended up with non-Generating types! One married a Projector, the other a Manifestor, and then my husband married me, a Projector. My husband’s parents were a MG-Projector couple, his mom being the Projector. My guess is they subconsciously selected women with similar energy to their mom. 

When I take a look around me at the auras that surround me I am intrigued by all the Projectors and Manifestors that are there! 3 Projectors and 2 Manifestors out of ten family members total and now the one family friend, too. This isn’t including all the Hermits (2/4’s), of which there are just as many! It is clear to me that this is no coincidence. I am surrounded by people who I can relate to and who can relate to me and energies that complement my own. Pretty awesome!

Intention Setting

I’ve been having some amazing wins with intention setting lately. I already wrote about my dentist anxiety issues and my success with that. Well, it happened again when I went in to get my permanent crown. I was relaxed and falling asleep in the dentist chair! And my Thanksgiving intention was also a success, even beyond what I had imagined!

Last night I spoke to my SIL who lives in Costa Rica, the one I stayed with for a month. She pointed out how proud she was of me for setting intentions and manifesting what I wanted. She reminded me that, while I was in Costa Rica, she and I worked on exactly that – intention. Specifically I brought back with me the decision that I would focus on what I wanted to feel and experience rather than on what I did not. When I think back on how I transformed my dentist and Thanksgiving experiences, I realize that is all I did – focus on what I wanted to feel. I have a tendency to focus on what I don’t want, which only makes it seem bigger and then brings it into my present experience. But I’ve been shifting that more and more lately, setting intentions to be in the present and pulling myself out of the past and future when I find my mind wandering. It is working and it is wonderful!

On Thanksgiving, when I decided to listen more and talk less, wonderful things happened. I became receptive to receiving from others, which I don’t normally do. I typically retract and retreat, which is a very lonely (alone) place to be. Because I was open to receiving, I discovered two Projectors in my life and recognized aspects of myself in my cousin, someone I’ve always struggled to connect with. As a Projector, my gift to others is that I make them feel seen, even other Projectors. I can only do this, though, when I follow my strategy and authority. My Not-Self says, “retract and retreat” but my strategy and authority say, “Listen” and “Be open to receive”. Duh.

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My Grandparents Were Non-Energy Types!

Recently, my daughter has become curious about her ancestry. She got an app on her phone and, to my surprise, has been able to fill out her family tree back a few generations on both sides! She showed me that she found my maternal grandparents, asking if the info looked correct, and it did! Someone on my maternal grandmother’s side of the family had done a family tree for many generations back, all the way to before they immigrated to the U.S. My maternal grandfather’s side is not near as complete and my paternal side is almost non-existent.

What was surprising is the amount of documentation provided on this app. They had birth, marriage and death certificates, census information, even draft cards! To see my father’s draft card was fascinating, especially seeing his signature. It has been a long time since I’ve seen it.

When I saw my grandparent’s birth certificates, I immediately wrote down the information to create Human Design charts for both of them. Unfortunately, my grandmother’s birth certificate did not have a time of birth. 😦

To my surprise, I discovered my grandfather was a 4/6 Splenic Projector! Here is his chart:

I always felt a strong connection with my grandfather. While others in the family had various, negative emotional reactions to him, I could see his true self and knew he was not what others assumed he was. He could come across as mean, grumpy, and domineering. His guard was almost always up and he seemed to push people away at times, especially if he was tired or not feeling “in the mood”. He didn’t want to be told what to do. He did his own thing.

My mother and aunt have both expressed to me how their memory of their father is not the greatest. My aunt completely distanced herself from him as she got older. She found him unsupportive, mean, unloving and cruel. My mother also mentioned some things that made her feel this way. Mostly, they both mentioned that he devalued them because they were female, saying cruel things like, “I’m not going to waste money on a woman”. He most definitely was influenced by his generation’s biases!

My experiences with my grandfather were that, yes, at times he was not very nice. For example, I have a couple of vivid memories of him being this way. He use to raise rabbits to eat and one day he killed one right in front of me – hit it on the head with a hammer. I cried and ran away. That night at dinner we had “chicken” but as I was taking a bite he said, “How does Thumper taste?” OMG I was horrified! He laughed heartily.

Another time, when I was with him while he was working on a project, a tiny Kangaroo mouse came running out from under the house. He said, “Oh look! A cute mouse!” and pointed it out to me. He knew I loved animals of all kinds. Then, without warning, he smashed it with his boot. When I cried out, “Why did you do that?” He laughed and said it was a nuisance and he needed to get rid of it. Thankfully, it didn’t suffer, but still, not nice!

Yet, most of my memories are of his kinder side. For example, and in contrast to the two examples above, he found a nest of baby squirrels in his barn one day. Instead of killing them, he called my sisters and me to the barn and gave each of us one to raise. He did this because he had done similar things as a child. My two sisters and I were thrilled and did raise them. What fun pets!

Other fond memories I had were of him taking us fishing. I love to fish because of him even if he did distance himself from me because I “made too much noise” and could scare the fish. lol

I remember him always working on the farm (they had 52 acres), fishing and hunting. In his 50’s he built an underground house which still stands today. He designed it and everything and it is absolutely amazing! Completely underground except for the front door and two windows. He was also very active in the church. He was considered an elder and others looked up to him and admired him.

Though I would have never thought him a Projector, now that I know, it is obvious that he was. He was living as if he were a Generator, like most Projectors tend to do. Go, go, go and then….crash. He was grumpy and mean because he was bitter and that was how it manifested for him (and me, too). When not in a good mood, he could infect everyone with his nasty vibes (me, too). When in a good mood, he made the entire space light up. All he wanted to do was be a good provider for his family, yet he struggled to make ends meet. I am sure he had much negative self-talk about his ability to make money and provide throughout his life.

My biggest memory of him inside the home was of always wanting to be left alone. He would sometimes lock himself in his bedroom to do this but other times I knew better than to disturb him or else get a nasty talking to. We kids knew to just leave him alone and we did, most of the time.

In his old age his true self began to shine through and I saw the man I knew was inside all along. The more I heard his daughters say negative things about him, the more I defended him and explained to them how I saw him. My version was just not real to them, but that is okay and I told them so. I saw a man with a huge heart who sacrificed so much for his family. In the end, he showed his feelings more readily, even crying without hiding. I gave him lots of hugs and kisses to make sure he knew how much I loved him.

After he passed he would often visit my dreams and I had many OBE’s where he was present. The last time I saw him in a dream was very recently. He appeared in a different form from his last life – Asian. He told me that he planned to “get it right this time” and was going to be in the military again but this time as an Asian, whom he despised in this life (lol WWII vet). He was very optimistic and explained how he had felt like a failure much of his life. From what I remember, he chose to be very smart and determined in his new life. In contrast, this life he only had a GED because he never did well in school. He joined the Navy and was a nurse’s assistant while serving his time.

As for my grandmother, with no birth time, it is hard to know what aura type she was. I put in various birth times and came up with two profile types – 5/1 and 4/1. The most common aura type is emotional Projector, followed by emotional Manifestor and emotional Manifesting Generator. Only one of these is 4/1, the rest are all 5/1’s.

Here are two charts that I saved because they felt most like her:

The things that stand out to me about my grandmother are that she was very passive compared to my grandfather. I always thought this was generational (Great Depression Era). I was always more cautious around my grandmother. My grandmother was a big gossip and with her passiveness was this sense that she wanted to be in control. I have never met a Manifestor but I suspect she may have been that since her energy made me cautious. What she displayed didn’t match what I felt from her. I didn’t trust her but I did love her. I never saw them fight or my grandma get mad, though. She was just quiet and subdued. She got cancer in her 40’s but lived to age 89. She sold Avon for a while but was a stay-at-home mom and very involved in the church. You had to be careful what you told her because she tended to gather info and then use it to get what she wanted, especially in her older years.

When I was a kid I didn’t have any issues with her energy, it was just as an adult that I began to feel wary of her. She did begin to display the more negative personality after my grandfather passed. Maybe this was because he was no longer there to support her and provide what she needed?

She was very psychic but sadly was hospitalized for a mental breakdown after she had a psychotic break/split where she would shift into a child personality at times. She was on medication the rest of her life for that. Then she had cancer in his mid-40’s where she was told she would die but miraculously lived a long life.

When I came out as a psychic/medium to my family, my grandmother confided in me that she use to have precognitive dreams and other psychic experiences but she hid them out of fear. Not even my mother, her daughter, knew about it! In her older years she had out-of-body experiences where she would meet up with her husband in the astral (he passed 10 years before her).

After she passed away she came to visit me in Spirit and her personality was evident – happy, energetic, inquisitive, talkative- very different from how I knew her in life but I suspect how she was in youth. My first thought when I was entering her birth data was how she got cancer so early in life. I thought, “Typical Projector burnout.” IDK if the same can happen to Manifestors, though, but probably. It would help if I knew a Manifestor so I could compare how the energy feels. Sigh.

My memories of my grandmother are mostly positive. She loved to cook and because of her I, also, love to cook. She would let me help her in the kitchen, explaining he methods and giving me her “expert” advise and know-how. She also loved to sing and play the piano and guitar (self-taught). When we had family gatherings, we would all gather around the piano and sing.

My interest in gardening was also brought about by my grandmother. She had a HUGE garden and would ask us grandkids to help her plant, tend and harvest it. Because of her, I know how deep to plant certain seeds, how to fertilize, how to layout a garden, what plants do best where, and how to harvest without damaging a plant.

All in all, she was a great demonstration of how someone can be “at peace” in a life (which is the signature of a Manifestor) that is far from peaceful. She was always singing while she worked and her favorite song to sing was, “One Day at a Time”. She lived every day grateful to be alive and made sure we children knew how much of a blessing we were.

Considerations

To think that my grandparents may have both been Projectors, or at least non-energy types, is amazing to me! Here I was thinking that my entire life I have been surrounded by Generating types and this whole time I had two very supportive non-energy types as foundational influences in my life! A HUGE part of my childhood involved my grandparents. I thought of my grandfather as my father more than my biological father. He introduced me to fishing and hunting, taught me to love the outdoors, explore without fear and persevere. My grandmother was someone I could learn from and I eagerly sucked up the information she provided and still use it today. What she taught me turned into the very things that bring me peace in my adult life – singing, cooking, gardening, walking, dreaming, connection with God.

They were married over 50 years. To think of a relationship lasting that long has always been unreal to me, but they did. Perhaps it was because they were both non-energy types? Maybe it is true that being with one’s same energy type is better?

Note: As I was reading what I wrote about my grandparents I became very emotional. It is clear to me now that my grandmother was an Emotional Manifestor. The peace she radiated is still with me. And this whole time I didn’t see it. I felt so disconnected from her in my adult years. I wish that I had paid more attention to her in her golden years. I wish I had sat down with her more, learned from her more. 😦

Here are two pictures of my grandparents. The first is when they were first married. The second is at their 50th anniversary.

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My HD Foundation Reading

Monday I had my Human Design Foundation Reading. It’s taken me a while to gather all the data from it and I am still processing the information, but I want to share what I have now for those of you who may be considering getting a foundation reading yourself.

First, I highly recommend a HD Foundation Reading to anyone curious about Human Design. Even with all the self-study I did, I gained so much more than just data from the experience.

Notes from Reading

Below are my notes from the reading. Maybe some day I will organize my notes into a proper report, but for now this will do.

Defined Centers – represent our reliable Self. Mine are the G-Center and Throat. These centers can initiate positive and negative reactions in others. One particular negative reaction I may encounter is in response to my voice, which tends to be very commanding, loud and have a certain intensity to it that some people find offensive or intolerable. Note: I have often been told I am “too loud” and “your voice hurts”. I try to tone it down but when I am excited or passionate about what I’m talking about, I just can’t control the intensity of my voice. Positive examples: As a teacher, having a loud and commanding voice easily gets and keeps the attention of students. As a singer, projection of my voice has never been an issue.

Undefined Centers (I have 4) – Wisdom potential. Positive in that they represent my natural potential to see others clearly. Negative in that I can easily assume I need to consistently function in certain way when it’s not my nature (be fixed when I’m not).

Completely open centers (I have 3) – These centers represent areas where I have completed learning of the themes of those centers (mastered them). It is my greatest access to wisdom. So, I have mastered the head center, heart center and solar plexus center and all themes they encompass. Yay!

Completely open solar plexus – I can have no emotion (seem cold/uncaring) or have every emotion (overly emotional).

I have a very particular design: I have a highly selective natural body (a 2nd line natural) which means I’m very specific about who I “take in”. As a Projector with a 2nd line, I am looking for a very specific energy to take in. Think of it as “eating energy”. I don’t just take in parts of someone’s energy, I take it all in very deeply.

Generating types can make me feel “alien”. I am constantly “scanning” their energy for what I want “to eat”. I’m looking for someone who will value me for my presence. Note: I told her that I felt like I was always looking for something but rarely find it. She said I’m looking for a specific energy in others auras.

I should look at myself as a “very specialized instrument” and accept that “I’m special”. I had an emotional response to this because my guidance said to me, “See. I told you you’re special. Listen to her.” lol

My purpose is tied to my 1-8 Channel of Inspiration. I’m here for a certain refined beauty and uniqueness that’s not common but “beautiful”. She uses an analogy of an “orchid in a pine forest”.

My Question: If I’m so special, why does my life not reflect that back to me? Why does my outer reality not reflect my inner reality?

The answer was that to get to that point I need to decondition. I need to rearrange my outer reality while clearing my inner one (clearing, healing).

When a Projector has only one channel like I do, then my purpose is very, very specific. I am here to use my voice to empower and inspire others. It is a very creative channel and only I will know what my specific talent is.

Creative Expression – Won’t feel like work. I will know “this is why I’m here”. Empowering others, empowers me.

I can be completely invisible to many, but at the same time I will be “everything” to certain others.

My ability to reflect is attractive – makes others feel to be with themselves but not alone, makes them feel “special” because of my attention.

Others want my attention because I amply them/their energy. It can make me feel “used”, like a receptacle, and “fed on” in a way that exhausts me. In exchange, I process all their crap. It can make me want to retreat and say “just leave me alone!” Note: This is exactly how I feel!

My personal sun is in Gate 33 Retreat in the 6th line which is the most removed and aloof. 6th lines have a foot in the other world and are not into mundane BS. They need to retreat to process and take what was a weakness and turn it into a strength. This takes time.

Mid-Life – I’m getting near the last phase of the 3 phases of the 6th line, shifting from pessimism to optimism. Mid-Life can feel like a pane of glass is placed between me and the rest of the world. I can feel very disconnected or behind a wall. This is to give me room/time to rest, reflect, heal and recover. I’m meant to realign with True Self during this time.

Last Phase/Role Model – When I hit 50, and if I’ve rested and recovered properly, I get to step out into the world and be the Role Model. I will be a living demonstration of how to be in this world but not OF it.

Deconditioning – 1st phase is spitting out all the poison/bitterness. Over time, I will have less and less tolerance to the point of wanting to “run” from those things which make me feel wrong/bitter/uneasy. All Projectors realize at some point that we can’t hack it in a “normal” way. We can’t produce, work, be busy like Generators. We can’t win at this “normal thing”. Note: This happened to me in my late 30’s. I started to drop things one by one in order to manage life and feel more at ease.

Gate 1 & 2 are lit up in my G-Center – One is pure receptive, the other pure creative. She described it as “feminine and masculine depth”, I’m both yin and yang (receptive and penetrative) at my core.

Relationships – the foundation of relationship for me is empowerment, inspiration and creativity. I’m here to get inspired by my HS and share it with others. “Empowerment and creative connection to the Higher Self” is my purpose. I’m very “anti-mundane”. I need to “revel in my own beauty”. I’m naturally optimistic and naturally transmit this to others.

Gate 20 – Presence. I can be very checked out if I want to. If I feel that I don’t want to be with or around a person or in an environment then I need to leave or find a way to be alone.

Personality Sun – disassociation – the ability to let go and not be handicapped by consistent recriminations. I enjoy my own space so need to go to it when feeling any of the above feelings. It will feel like I just need to “get out”.

6th line can make me feel like part of me is pulled away from life. It pulls me away to heal and find a unique perspective. When I come back I can be a living example. For a 6th line is it detrimental to be a hypocrite. lol

Genius design Sun-Earth – the natural receptive genius.

1st line Earth – Venus exalted as beauty. “Love is Light” the grounding of my body is a frequency of love and light that emanates from me when in my correct frequency. To some I’m captivating, interesting and different and they try to hold onto me. They expect me to be the representative of the group. I have a compelling, undeniable, demanding voice and am here to speak its truth.

My Motivation is desire. I’m motivated by what I want. I spend the first two cycles of my life figuring out what I want and eventually I will know exactly what I want and go for it. When I don’t Know, I need to accept and not make any decisions until I do Know. The Not-Knowing is where creative potential and liberation take root. These can also be very empty times and very melancholic. The 1-8 Channel says, “I Know and I don’t Know”.

It goes something like this, “I don’t Know, I don’t Know, I don’t know….Oh! I Know! (go after it)” then it repeats but the “not Knowing” is much more frequent. Note: So true! I completely related to this!

Trajectory – Follower – I follow my own, unique path. Note: I was worried it meant I was a follower which does not feel right. I am relieved it means that I am independent and do my own thing because that is how I am!

Final Comments from Reader – I have the capacity to be an amazing guide if I don’t misidentify with others emotions. I am highly transpersonal. Over my lifetime I will become more and more aloof and cool. I don’t “sit in the realm of dense drama” like others do.

On Connection Themes

Connection chart of me and my mom. Theme 9-0 Nowhere to go.

In a previous post I had questions about the connection themes I was encountering when creating connection charts. This is what she told me:

They are rhymes that go with the number of defined centers in the relationship vs the undefined ones.

9-0 Nowhere to go – All 9 centers defined. A relationship that is compelling, the two people are in their “own world”, it’s difficult to get out of the relationship because of this. The mechanics of the connection hold it together in a consistent way (all nine centers are defined).

8-1 Have some fun – 8 defined centers and one undefined. The one undefined center acts as a window to the world where the two can look at the world together. Mechanics are strong enough to hold the relationship together but they have space to move.

After the two above, the other connections are not held together by the mechanics so more work is needed to keep the relationship together.

7-2 Work to do – I don’t recall what she said about this one but basically it was that the two had to work to keep the relationship going.

6-3 Better to be free – Expectations need to align. If they don’t, it will be hard to keep this relationship together.

5-4 Not in a relationship anymore – The only time there is a consistency to this relationship is “when the stars align”. Otherwise, the mechanics do not keep it together and the two easily drift apart.

Based upon my design nodes, I need consistency within a relationship. I need a certain amount of regularity of contact. So, the best relationship themes for me would be the first two because of the consistency inherent in them.

The first two themes require less work because the mechanics will hold the relationship together. I have a 9-0 with my mother and I find it is true. When together, we are in our own little world. I am also always drawn back to her. But then she IS my mother! lol

I’ve never had a romantic relationship with someone where our connection was 9-0 or 8-1, so I don’t know if it is true that they would be easier than the others. My guess, based upon my poor track record, is anything would be easier than 6-3 and 5-4!!

Other Thoughts

After my reading I was able to ask questions and soundboard a bit, which was nice. What was interesting was what I heard come out of my own mouth. When I said certain things, I felt energy and emotion in a wave and knew this was confirmation that what I was saying is my truth. This is a self-projected Projector thing. We need to soundboard and I so rarely get to speak to others in this way! Writing is a nice substitute but not the same.

I will likely have another session with the reader. She is a 5/1 Mental Projector and I felt very at ease with her. I mainly just need someone to listen so I can hear what comes out and take note of what feels true and what doesn’t. I have so few people that I can do this with. My mom is one and I was able to talk to her this weekend for quite some time. Another is a friend who is also a Projector but lives in another state. That is it. As a Hermit this is really not unusual, though.

I’m also considering taking the Living Your Design course next. Everything I have learned about HD resonates and continues to support my reality and how I experience life. Not even one detail I’ve learned about my design has felt off to me. That is unusual because even with all other spiritual tools I’ve encountered inconsistencies.

So, I’m jumping into deconditioning head first. Based upon what I learned in my reading, I’ve already begun spitting out the “venom”. lol

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Let Them Eat Cake

Strange dreams lately and they go all night long. Yet none of them seem significant really. It is more like I am doing “work” of some kind that I am not suppose to consciously know about. Or maybe I am visiting other lives in other dimensions parallel to this one?

Some examples:

Dream of washed out bridge and high flood waters. I only recall bits and pieces. I was with a group and we were to travel across this bridge and along this particular road. Where we are going is unknown. Information is presented to the group that a huge flood has wiped out the bridge and the flood waters are still high and turbulent. When we get to the bridge it is very dangerous to try to cross. There are no paths around and going through or over is particularly high risk. What I recall most vividly is seeing a large, concrete bridge poking out of flood waters that are a yucky, puke brown color. The water is swirling and frothing and very turbulent as it forms eddies and whirlpools around the bridge. 

Interpretation – bridges symbolize change, connecting points to make progress towards something. This bridge collapses under the pressure of flood waters which symbolizes high emotion to the point of becoming destructive. Since the bridge collapses an opportunity to progress is missed or broken.

Dream of old couple’s house. I visited a couple living in a quaint house somewhere in the country. The location reminded me of North Dakota or somewhere with vast plains and farmlands. I recall that work was being done on the home inside and out. The inside was dirty with dishes in the sink and dust. Items needed to be moved and rearranged but otherwise all was in working order. Outside I remember being told to move a very large fence beam off to the side. I placed it alongside a road. The beam was almost the length of a football field yet I was easily able to move it. I remember walking along the side of the road and seeing various pillows tossed about. I asked the old man if he wanted them and he did so I told another man to go pick them up. The other man felt like an ex-convict yet he was helping so I didn’t judge him for his past. The old woman was also there but mainly to nod her approval of the process. The last thing I recall is talking to the woman about someone I know in this life. She told me he was in a relationship with a woman who was very negative and controlling and made sure no one visited without her prior knowledge. When I asked why he was with her, I was told that this woman tended to his needs. I saw a mental picture of her rubbing his back and soothing him, much like a mother would a son. I remember telling the old lady, “He wouldn’t even let me touch him.”

Interpretation – It seems that I am exploring a part of my past from another lifetime or perhaps a potential that never materialized. The house, or lifetime, is dirty and dusty which means neglected or forgotten. The fence, which symbolizes a barrier of some kind, is taken down, allowing me access. Pillows are comfort and being they are scattered about it likely means the comfort once felt has been scattered about, too. The discussion at the end is the summary of what the house scene represents. 

Dream of being in jail and pregnant. I remember that I was sentenced to time in prison. The prison was not like normal ones with bars and such. Instead it was quite low security with rooms more like a rehabilitation center. I remember going into a room with a group of other girls/women. The room had showers and seemed to be a place I visited often. I was given a number and went to a locker that was made of metal wire and see-through. Inside were people and I seemed to shrink down and become small to go into the locker to be with them. The next thing I recall is being told I was in labor. I don’t recall feeling pregnant really or feeling any labor pains but I was upset because I wanted my mother to be there during the process. I was told she couldn’t be and I would have to do it alone. This upset me very much and I began to cry and wail in protest. 

Interpretation – Jail symbolizes feeling stuck or trapped. Showers are healing. Lockers indicate I am seeking something lost or hidden. I shrink down which means I focus in on what is inside this hidden aspect. I find others, so likely my soul family who I travel with in this lifetime. I am pregnant, which symbolizes potential rebirth. News about my mother is upsetting which likely indicates that I feel I need guidance from my HS but it is not forthcoming. I am told I must do it alone (they won’t tell me what to do) which is always hard to hear but I hear it often. 

Dream of turbulent sea. This dream seemed to also take place in jail-type environment. I was young and with a group of others my age. We were in school learning and somehow ended up inside a book we were reading. I remember watching as well as being in the scenes. There was a vast, pitch black, turbulent sea. The waves were high and tossing us about. In the water there was this large, grid-like, black structure that moved through the water like it had stealth technology. It seemed like something was being explained to me but I only recall that the end result was positive. 

Interpretation – the sea usually symbolizes calmness and inner strength but since it is black (the unknown) and turbulent (high emotion) then it indicates upheaval. The grid-like structure reminds me of the grid-like, black liquid that I felt poured upon my energy body a couple of times now. It is always over my mid-section near my sacral. My guess is this dream represents a conversation about this healing work.

HD

Upon waking this morning I was once again thinking of HD. Rather than be critical of myself for what might be weaknesses or drawbacks of my particular design, I embraced it. One thing I am usually really critical about is how much I dislike people in general and don’t want to be around them. I recognized that I do like to be around people but prefer the contact be distant such as when I go shopping or on walks. It is more personal, one-on-one interactions that I avoid. 

What is interesting is that when I woke up my friend had reacted to a comment I made in a FB message  yesterday. She waited until later to react which I find synchronistic. My friend is also a Projector like me so understands and can relate to much of my emotional response to life. This was my comment:

“I think the part that pisses me off the most about being a Projector is that we are completely Other-oriented and I really dislike other people in general and want them to all leave me alone (Generators at least). But I am a 2nd line and that goes with the territory.”

Her reaction was to laugh, which I can understand. I have even laughed about it! Yet the comment relays very accurately how I feel and have felt my entire life. 

When considering the comment and my feelings I understand that it is through my experiences as a Projector that I developed this emotional response to life and the general Generator majority. All the way through until my mid-thirties I felt a genuine desire to help whoever I could but now that desire has waned and grown almost completely non-existent. It is because of my failure to help that this occurred, or at least my consideration that I failed to help. My guides tell me otherwise. 

As early as my teens I wanted to get away from people and places with lots of people. High school was one such place and my entire high school only had about 100 students! But to me, that was way too many people because I sensed from the majority of my classmates a lack of genuineness. But the part that was really difficult to accept is that few were interested in changing that. I was lucky to have found a single friend who was open to what I had to offer but our senior year she drifted away leaving me alone. I was okay with that because I knew my friend well enough to know it was a phase and by that time I saw freedom ahead, freedom from the close-minded, sleepwalking majority (or so I thought).

When I ended up in Montana I soon realized that less populated places didn’t ease my misery. It wasn’t the number of people that was the problem, it was the quality of people. My move to Alaska proved that and then some and I hightailed it back to Texas.

Embracing the fact that people were not the issue, I tried to use my gifts to help with mixed success. I still found myself both alone and not alone at the same time. Part of me loved the alone time while another part craved a significant partner and small group of like-minded friends. It was a miserable place to be and I still experience this internal split to this day. 

And no matter how hard I tried, it seemed my “help” was not wanted. I went unheard, ignored or ostracized. The only time someone wanted to hear me was when they were getting predictions of their future. People would flock to me in that regard. “Tell me what will happen”, “Tell me what to do”, “Tell me….” to the point that their words repeated with such regularity that I began to despair. The answers I gave were always the same – “Your future is what you make it. You have free-will. You already Know, just Look.” No one wanted to hear that, though, did they? They still don’t. Sigh. 

As a 6/2, Self-Projected Projector, I can feel when my messages are accepted and when they are not. The minute, no the second, the other hears something they don’t want to hear, I might as well be on mute. My words do not hit home. They are lost in the wind. 

Most of the time, the Other wants to babble on about things that really don’t matter, things they have been conditioned to talk about, things they feel have been done to them (victim mentality), plans they have, material things they want, or complaints and excuses. This list goes on. They don’t realize I can see into them, to their core, and I know when they are using words/communication to fill that uncomfortable space. I know the truth behind the words. I sense the insecurity underneath. The desire to be accepted. Their hesitancy to speak their truth and the reasons behind it. And the more I sit and listen to this babbling, the more uncomfortable I get. Their energy is actually painful after a while. I feel sucked dry of my energy to the point that if I don’t get away I might pass out right then and there.

When I am around people who are talking via their Not-Self (most people) I literally can’t physically stand it for long. When I was younger I felt this, too, but I thought something was wrong with me so I made myself follow the “rules” and pleasantries only to later feel resentment (bitter). Why? They just don’t want to hear me, I mean really HEAR me, because to do that means they have to hear themselves. 

So now, nearing my mid-forties, I honestly do not like nor want to be around other people. I am certain now, though, that “most” people are the Generators of the world. I understand that the reason I am not driven to use my gifts “to help” is the result of so many failures to really get through to others. Sure, I help by telling them what I see for their future, but that is so superficial, so pointless really. If no real perception shift was created by my time with them, then, to me, I failed.

So I say, “What’s the point? Let them eat cake.” 

I only use that quote because it is what popped into my head. Yet at the same time I realize it is true, but not because I feel that I am better somehow than everyone else. No. Because “cake” symbolizes extravagance, indulgence…..everything that is materialism. Others are so distracted by the material and it is the reason they refuse to hear, to Know, to See, to confront the illusion. 

From what I’ve read about Projectors like me (6/2 Self-Projected), we are meant to be optimists, to see humanity’s possibilities despite the great many negatives inundating the world today. I don’t think that will ever be me. I try to be a realist but tend mostly towards pessimism. The difference is realists look for creative solutions while pessimists have just given up. Perhaps something will change before I die but I will not hold my breathe. Humanity as it is, in my opinion, is doomed to self-destruct. The most I can hope for is that I find at least one other like me who I can hold onto, confide in, be my true Self with, to live out the rest of my years with. 

Image source

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More on my Human Design Research

I continue to read the book, The Definitive Book of Human Design, as well as do online research into HD. The following are some of the thoughts I’ve jotted down over the last week.

Uranus Opposition

I have been thinking of how I am currently experiencing my Uranus Opposition and what I read in HD about what that meant. It is a turning point taking a person from a focus on their South Node to a focus to their North Node. The North node is my purpose and focus for this lifetime. It is where I “shine”. The North Node is challenging but fulfilling. I believe mine is in the 9th House and in Scorpio. The South Node is about the past and what is comfortable and secure. I think mine is in my 3rd House in Taurus. 

In thinking of my North Node and what I was told in a recent astrological reading, I recalled my North Node indicated I would be most fulfilled working in the spiritual, traveling and/or meeting new people, transcending the material, diving deep and the transpersonal. It is clear to me that my South Node has been my focus for a while – my family, my safe place, karmic contracts, retreat. I was reminded of spiritual experiences I have documented in my blog, experiences that helped me Remember my purpose/mission here. I acknowledged that I did indeed Know my path.

I have also noticed that those things related to my South Node seem to be fading from my focus more and more. I have always been drawn back to my family land and my mother – my “safe space”. Lately, however, I am not feeling a draw to that at all. Instead I feel like walking away from it forever. Leaving it in the past where it belongs. It isn’t that I don’t love my mother or my family roots/land but that I no longer feel the weight of it, or its pull, upon me. I feel freed from obligation and responsibility, like I am finally letting go of my past and everything that had been weighing me down. 

I have never been one to hang onto material possessions. My past homes, land, and possessions were easily let go of as I moved on. Usually I sell most everything when I move. My thought is, “I can always buy another.” I am definitely not sentimental! I don’t attach to the things I buy. Cars are just cars. Homes are just homes. The memories are always with me. I don’t need things in order to Remember. Yet I obviously was holding onto what my family land and home represented – safety/security. My Mom represents that as well. She kept me safe as a child, so why wouldn’t I feel safe with her near? But with my recognition of this and now letting go of it, I can see the glue that held it all together. I am now recognizing that I am safe/secure no matter what. I don’t need a place or a person to feel that way. 

There was an analogy in the HD book I am reading about the Not-Self. The Not-Self is suppose to be the passenger in the car while the HS is the driver. The Not-Self is linked to the mind and the mental. In the 7-centered Being the Not-Self was the driver but now that we are 9-centered it has not realized that it cannot drive this vehicle; it isn’t capable. It must surrender to the HS and sit in the back seat and just enjoy the ride. 

I thought about how I have surrendered many times but it seems that every time I end up trying to drive the car. In thinking of this I laughed because I am reminded of being a child going on a family road trip sitting in the back seat asking, “Are we there yet?” Children are content to sit in the back enjoying to ride for a while, but the boredom sets in when the drive just goes and goes with the same scenery passing by. I can relate to this boredom. It is how I feel right now. I keep asking, “Are we there yet?” in hopes that I will get to go Home soon. My HS answers, giving me a time period for when the next interesting thing will come along, but it seems like “forever” to me. 

Projectors Need Support

Recently, in the in-between, I heard, “Time to be supported.” 

This reminded me of something I heard on a FB video post by a HD analyst. He said that Projectors need lots of support because they do not create their own energy and so often lack the motivation to continue on a path. Many find themselves struggling to finish college and stay financially stable unless they can find a benefactor, usually a Generator, to support them either financially or otherwise. I find this benefactor idea applicable to my situation. I had Generators all around me, pushing me to finish college when I no wasn’t motivated to do so. I had Generators pushing me to stick it out at work, too. I have also sought out support when I wanted to do something. If I couldn’t find that support I usually didn’t persevere. I find it very difficult to succeed in business-type ventures without a partner. I am aware that I need support. I have always been aware of this. 

My Family and HD

HD feels to explain so much. It fills in the gaps and allows me to better understand all of the information my guidance has provided throughout my lifetime.

I have been researching the charts of family members who have had the most influence over me. All are Generators or Manifesting Generators. Four so far are 2/4’s! My Mom, brother and both of my sons are 2/4’s. Since I am a 6/2, we share the 2 line (Hermit). 2 lines are fiercely honest. We call people out who are inauthentic. We have a strong inner Knowing. Trust is very important to us. Break our trust and it is very difficult to regain it. We are here to be blunt and need lots of alone time. The wisdom of a 2nd line is to recognize that letting someone else in makes life more beautiful and fulfilling. We need to let others in to see outside our little bubbles. We tend to carry with us memory of our origins so have a deep sense of Homesickness. 

My Mom, who has been the most influential in my life, has a chart that really compliments my own. It explains why we get along so well and are so connected. Not only does she have the same variable as me (mentioned in another blog post), but her undefined centers and defined centers compliment mine. I am almost all undefined or open. She is almost all defined. 

My definition is the same as both my sons. I am single-definition. 40-45% of the population is single-definition. This means I do not go around feeling like I need someone else to “complete” me. I am independent and okay being on my own. Energy flows naturally through us. We don’t need relationships and are just fine on our own. In romantic relationships I seek out only the very best partners (super picky). Just anyone wouldn’t do because why would I be with someone who isn’t the best when I am just fine on my own? And in relationships if the other restricts my freedom in any way I am happy to say “Bye!” and won’t look back. I choose to be with who I am with. The lesson of a single-definition is to accept that we do actually need others. 

My Mom and younger sister are triple-definition. I haven’t researched this yet but I have researched split-definition. My older sister is split-definition. The split-definition person feels they are missing their other half and is always seeking out someone to complete them. They can become highly co-dependent. When alone with their thoughts they are often “split” inside. One half says one thing, the other half questions it or says another thing. They never have a true sense of clarity because of this. My daughter is split-definition and I asked her if this describes her. She agreed that it did. 

The most revealing part of HD so far to me is how the undefined centers of our aura seek out others who have those centers defined. When we find them and they “click” perfectly in place like a puzzle piece, then we feel it. The more “clicks” the more they may impact us. This can explain soul connections and other similar connections. It can also explain why some people repel us.

My Defined Centers

I only have two defined centers – Throat and G-Center. I am grateful for this because of all the defined centers to have, the one that really counts (IMO) is the G Center.

G Center – Love, Identity and Direction. The Seat of the Higher Self (Magnetic Monopole). 57% of the population has a defined G Center. Note: The G Center is located in the center of the chest where we traditionally think the heart chakra is located. The Heart Center in HD is not in the center of the chest, but is associated with willpower (self-esteem), Ego and the material world.

Those with a defined G-Center have a consistent experience of Love and a fixed and reliable self-identity. They Know who they are! They are secure in their love for themselves and can love others without becoming dependent on them (yes!!!). They have a sense of their own correct mission and direction in life and naturally can point out new direction and love for others.

The downside – “Although their G Center is defined, succumbing to expectations imposed on them or conditioned by others, while rejecting their own direction and thereby denying themselves love, can lead them to experience such a sense of loss in their life that they give up on themselves altogether” (The Definitive Book of Human Design, p. 101). I, personally, can relate to this as I feel this IS and has happened to me. 😦

Throat Center – Communication and Manifestation, Metamorphosis and Transformation through interaction with the world. 72% of the population has a defined Throat Center.

The Throat Center transmutes and directs how information from all parts of the BodyGraph manifests in the world. “If the Throat is connected to the G Center, one speaks from personal identity and direction, from the higher self” (p. 55). If someone has a defined Throat connected to a defined motor (root, sacral, heart, solar plexus) they can always manifest but it doesn’t mean they always should. A Throat connected to a motor can create impulsiveness, talking too much or not enough, and the giving away of energy to every impulse. I, by the way, do not have this issue (I have no defined motor) but I still tend to talk too much at times. This is likely borrowed/conditioned from one of my many Generator family members who do this. lol

Driver/Passenger

Shifting Gears……the below dream supports the driver/passenger analogy as written in the book I am reading.

From page 21:

“In a human being, the Personality Crystal of Consciousness…..sits above your head…in the Head Center at the top of the BodyGraph. This Personality Crystal manifests what you identify with as your Self, of who you think you are, and is called the passenger or passenger consciousness. The Design Crystal of Consciousness…..is seated in the Anja Center….and manifests the biogenetics of your body, or the physicality of the form. It is referred to as the vehicle or form consciousness. The relationship between these two crystals is likened to a backseat passenger (Personality) who rides in a vehicle (Design) operated by a third party – the driver.”

As mentioned already, the driver is located in the G Center. It has two functions – 1. It holds everything together (the Personality Crystal and Design Crystal) in the illusion of separateness and 2. It connects us to our movement in time through space and guides us along our path (destiny) in life.

What I find fascinating is that from the beginning of my spiritual awakening the analogy of the car, driver and passenger has been numerous. I can’t count how many dreams and OBEs I’ve had using this analogy!

Dream: I Do It All

In this dream I was with a girlfriend. We went to the entrance of a large theater-like place. There was a line out one side and a booth with a man selling tickets. My friend turned around and went up to the booth, cutting in line but since the line was so far from the booth the ticket master didn’t notice. He gave her a ticket. I asked my friend what she was doing and she said, “Voting”, so I figured everyone was in line to vote. The place did not feel like a place to vote, though. 

I walked in front of the ticket booth also cutting in line. I looked at the person in line apologetically as the ticket master walked up to me. He was a very odd guy, though. He didn’t look like he belonged there. He was telling me how he did all sorts of things besides giving out tickets. I saw mental projections in a screen in my mind as he told me. I saw an image of him with drugs and my reaction was surprise. Then, out of the blue, he hugged me close to him. When he did this he said, “Don’t you know? I do it all.” With his words and hug came a swirl of images and memories. I knew all the memories and people in them and in that instant an energy came into and filled up the area at my solar plexus. It was like the ticket master and I became one. His energy swirled within me, expanding outward until it went past my body. The energy brought with it Knowing. I Remembered and responded to the man but I can’t recall my specific words. The Knowing was that all men, all experience, were One and I was One with them. We are all One.

Planning

As I woke the energy continued to swirl. It was a pleasant feeling, though not blissful, just pleasant, like I was feeling a part of myself long forgotten, a part connected and Knowing and without expectation. 

The man in the dream continued to speak to me for a while after. I shifted in and out of the in-between so some of what was said is lost now. It remains mostly as a Knowing. I do remember that he reminded me, “You are here to experience what you are Not.” With this came an understanding that my life at present is part of that experience of who I am Not. I Remembered Knowing this. How could I forget it? I remember asking if my entire life was going to be like this? It felt that once I had experienced enough of who I am Not, then I can settle into being who I AM. 

There was comfort in knowing my life at present is part of this “experiment” and not something “wrong”. I didn’t go off course. There is no reason to resist it or fight it. With this understanding I asked the man, “Please help me surrender. I am tired.” The exchange here was pure telepathy. Words can’t describe it but the summary of it, if I had to give it words, is that he is the Driver and I am the Passenger but We are a Team. As the Driver he would always take me to places I desired to go but he alone decides the route because only he has access to the map. 

There is memory of discussing where we are headed. I remember seeing a tiny, black box. In it was being stuffed something much bigger than the box, yet it still fit perfectly. There were other black boxes of various sizes all around, but the smaller one was the focus. The discussion during this visual was hidden behind it but I remember part of it was me describing what I would like to do next. I think I said the word, “Witch” but it was mixed with other words, all describing a spiritual path. The man asked me if I was certain as he stuffed the black box. This is when I became aware of the the discussion and knew he and I were planning together how I/We would make the transition away from experimentation/observation. 

In another vision from the in-between there is vivid memory of opening up a refrigerator door. It was a tiny fridge sitting on the floor. Inside it was empty but I could see clearly the icy interior. The man asked me, “What are you looking for in there?” This brought me out of my reverie and as the visual faded I wondered about what I thought I had put inside it. The only answer I received was that somehow the fridge represented a feeling. Security. Safety. Seeing the fridge was empty reminded me that there was no need to use it to preserve these things. They were already and always would be, mine, and no one could take them from me.

by

I KNOW NOTHING

It has been a strange couple of weeks. Unusual. Challenging. Emotional.

First off, I got some upsetting news from my husband (private – sorry). Then a friend I hadn’t heard from in over a year contacted me. Surprise! Not long after (like literally days!) another friend from the past contacted me. This one was from years and years ago. WTF?

Was there something in my chart that indicated “the past will come for a visit” and “someone close to you will betray you?” Hmmmm.

Mercury retrograde perhaps? lol

A week passes, and the emotions hit, as if to say, “Okay, now PROCESS THIS SHIT”. I am sick, BTW, the whole time. No, not Corona, allergies or a maybe a cold, hard to tell which. The emotions are weird. They come up when I speak of a past incident. Suddenly the past feels to be suffocating me. The emotions get stuck in my throat. I feel unable to breathe or speak. I get super hot and uncomfortable. The tears erupt and I feel stiff, as if I will explode from the pressure building up. Then it is goes almost as soon as it comes. Huh?

The message I got was, “Hey, guess what? That pain you thought you resolved? Not resolved.”

Then, as soon as the sickness ends the emails return when I had thought no further communication would be coming. Prior to one message came energy. It came from my left, wrapped its “arms” around me and I melted into my chair. When it left I knew a message was coming. It came that night.

Again, huh?

And now, nothing. No communication but it doesn’t feel like there needs to be any. No emotion either.

I Know NOTHING

The other day, I was having some high emotion over certain life events. I had just finished a good workout and opted to take a bath in the middle of the day because I knew the workout would result in sore muscles the next day. As I prepared my bath I began to have high emotions regarding life and my design this lifetime. I questioned something I had read online about my Human Design (HD) profile – my variable. I only read about it briefly but it stuck with me.

My variable is PRR DRL. This is the description of a video I later purchased that explains my variable in more detail:

You are part of an evolutionary movement, the bridge to what is coming. You are carrying one part old Left and three parts new variation of Right. What does this mean for your life’s story?

Ra explains how you are designed to have a new receptive brain system, perspective and mind in an active body from the past. Learn how you can understand and deal with the dilemmas of living in a Left world through your correct dietary regimen and Design Nodal environment. In this lecture, you will see how important your relationships are, because they are ultimately going to define your process. Source

What is interesting to me about the description, and why I ultimately purchased the video, is the word “bridge”. It feels correct to me, like it is my purpose to be this bridge. Yet while I was thinking about it later I was angry at the word “bridge”. I thought, “Great. I’m a bridge, so people just walk all over me.” I remember thinking how the only control I have over this is to make myself unstable so that the people walking all over me fall off.

During this time I was speaking with a guide out loud. No one was home but me and I’m not sure when I started or when I realized what I was doing, but I did. The guide was so real to me, so audible in my mind, that it was just natural for me to speak to him. Then I was just laughing because I had gotten to that frustrated, insane sorta emotional tipping point when life is just making you feel batshit crazy. And then a realization hit me. I said aloud to my guide, “I know NOTHING! NOTHING!” And that was the funniest thing ever. Oh the paradox of it! To feel at once that you Know so much but also that you Know nothing at all.

When I was done laughing I no longer felt the need to be upset. There was only calm and my guide said, “Do you feel better now?” And I said, “Yes.” I knew then that all I needed to do was surrender. To be calm and go with the flow. I remember being that way in the past and I know I can be that way again. I have to get out of my monkey mind, or as HD calls it, the Not-Self. I must listen to my inner voice, which for me is my ultimate guide because I am self-projected. I need to listen to what I say when I speak because through my words my path is revealed. This has always been true for me, too, and so the whole idea of it resonates fully with me. I need to recognize and accept that right now my job is to witness, to observe what is happening around me. Action is not necessary. What I observe and witness will help me understand better my life and purpose so that when I am ready I can step into that last stage in my life, when I become the role model I am here to be (I’m a 6/2 Self-Projected Projector). BUT that last stage usually doesn’t start until around the age of 50. That is 6 more years and feels like an eternity away and I think, “What can I possibly get done at such an age?”

Drink from my Well

So, this morning I went back to the video I had reviewed the day before but never purchased. Turns out it was on sale, half-off. Wow. So I bought it.

After listening to the video on my variable type I now understand what “bridge” means. In the video, Ra Uru Hu explained that I am a bridge to the new nine centered Being which is arriving in 2027. I am 3 Right to 1 Left. Left is the past, Right is the future. Left is strategic/active. Right is receptive/passive. The new nine centered human will be all Right. I am almost there but not quite. Therefore, I act as a bridge between the old Left and the new Right. 

I have a Right brain and Right mind. Because of this I am a “well of awareness” from which others come to drink. My job is to just BE awareness. I am to be active in things that I enjoy. Through this action others will be drawn to me to drink from my well. When they come to me, I give them what they need. If I do the correct activity, or that which feels good to me, then the correct people will come to me. I need to be selective when it comes to who I allow to drink from my well. Those who drink from my well may want to possess me. If I surrender to this, meaning I am not aware of it and seek to please them, I can end up forced to be strategic (Left) because I have to figure out how to get rid of them (lol I SO resonate with this!).

I see things in a very, very deep way. The video repeats over and over how I am a WELL of awareness that others drink from. That is my only purpose. I take in, take it all in, and then wait for someone to drink from my well. Those who drink from my well IS what I am aware of. If they drink murky, stagnant water, so do I. People come to me as a resource. What kind of resource will I be? I need to be selective. If I share openly what I am aware of, what I perceive, then I can easily be perceived as “crazy”. I SEE others. Others have to come to me to also see and only then should I share, not before.

In school I shouldn’t study. I wouldn’t have to. I just show up and pay attention and then when that info is needed I will have it. This is very true for me. In school I didn’t need to study. It all came naturally. Answers I didn’t know would come to me if I allowed them. I could pass tests just by using my intuition! If you asked me later why I answered a question the way I did, I wouldn’t be able to tell you except to say, “it felt right”. 
Because I am 1 Left it is easy for me to convince others that I am like them but I am NOT. I should not change for others. I need to be ME.

The video says, “Don’t get stuck. You are here for the ride.” It says, “Your partner needs to bring out of you that which feels good.” The Left will be drawn to me. The Left socializes through sexuality. The Right socializes through awareness. I am NOT like the Left (this is repeated, too).

Something interesting that was said: If someone comes into my environment and I want to yawn, I need to get rid of them. I find this fascinating because that is most everyone in my environment now (except my kids).

The advice is to stay busy, busy doing things I choose and enjoy. It can be ANYTHING – gardening, reading, blogging, exercising, etc. If I remain busy doing things I enjoy, that I am drawn to, then I am PROTECTED.  

I will feel the best when others drink from my well. This is why when I gave readings I felt so good. This is why when I was a teacher it felt good. Anytime another drinks from my well I will feel this way. When another comes to me, I will always give them something sweet to drink. I will often not know why I say what I say. It will just come to me and I will say it. Then later I won’t remember I said it and I won’t care because I gave them what they needed and that is why I am here. Period. 

I am here to make awareness available to others. 

The video left me with questions. He (Ra Uru Hu) said that the environment I live in is important. It needs to be nourishing. The wrong environment will not nourish but make me sick. He also said I need to nourish my brain the right way. If I just eat and eat without discretion then I will feed everything, even that which is not good for me. So now I want to get a HD reading for this purpose, to find out what environment is best for me and what diet I should follow. 

If I think of places where I felt the most supported when I lived there, they have been inland, in the plains area or in places with lots of space. My guess is this would be my best environment, the one that nourishes me. I love the mountains and the coasts but when I lived in the mountains I did not flourish. When I visit the coasts I feel okay but I do not feel like staying. Being in the trees and forests often causes me to feel penned in. I seek open spaces. 

Diet makes me curious. Should I be eating much less? Should I be eating like I am? 

The good news is that if I am following my strategy and authority then I will already be in the environment that nourishes me.

Finally, I really liked Ra Uru Hu. What an amazing energy! He is a Manifestor. I wonder if I have ever met a Manifestor? I wonder what it would be like to be around someone who didn’t end up exhausting me? Instead, I have surrounded myself with Generators (my two sons) and Manifesting Generators (my daughter and husband).

Today I received a copy of the book, Human Design: The Science of Differentiation. I can’t wait to read it!