Tag Archives: Purpose

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Rejection of Mankind

I had a very healing sleep last night. It was full of dreams but I won’t go into detail on them. Instead I want to elaborate upon the realization I awoke with.

Rejection of Mankind

As usual, I did not want to get out of bed when I awoke and my Companion was close and prompting a “review” of the night’s events.

I recalled many dreams in which I was observing today’s youth and intercepting them when they did unacceptable things. This recollection rekindled the deep loss which I suffered during my long stent working with juvenile detention and alternative youth programs. The rejection of my attempts to help was a huge loss for me since that was my purpose for being there. To have your purpose thwarted day in and day out eventually tears you down to a point of apathy in regards to that purpose.

In recognizing this loss I also saw that I had come to many conclusions about mankind:

  • Mankind is hopeless and cannot be saved.
  • Mankind is more bad than good.
  • Mankind is lazy and selfish.
  • Mankind will choose the easy route over the hard one.

Ultimately, I decided I do not like human beings and rejected being one.

Upon analysis, I spotted it: In rejecting mankind, I rejected myself and limited my ability to take part in the wonderful aspects of being human. I slowly disconnected myself from all that it is to be human and in doing this closed myself off from the human aspect of myself.

Because ultimately all that I concluded about mankind, I also concluded about myself:

  • I am hopeless and cannot be saved.
  • I am more bad than good.
  • I am lazy and selfish.
  • I will choose the easy route over the hard one.

Such beliefs sabotage one’s ability to create because it is these beliefs that form one’s reality.

I also recognized that in rejecting mankind, I also rejected my children, my husband and my family; thus, isolating myself even more.

When I searched deeper I saw the pain I was attempting to hide from: If I cannot help the younger generation, how can I help my own children? How can I save them from the evils of being a part of the human race?

My failure and subsequent loss related to working with today’s youth transferred to my own children in my mind. Additionally, it transfers to my current counseling position in that I do not expect those I work with to get better and so I do not put forth the effort I once put forth in my earlier days.

In my earlier days I believed in each and every one of the kids I worked with. To me, they were all special and exceptional. In contrast, when I look at the children I work with now, all I see is their faults and not their potential.

Solution: Return of Purpose

The solution to this dilemma is simple: return to a point in time when I was having great wins and fulfilling my purpose. “Return” here means to go back to a moment where I felt accomplished and relive it in as much detail as I can. Do this over and over until there is a realization.

Since I have yet to do this, I am not sure how it works exactly but it makes sense. It does not undo all the loss I have experienced. This will have to be dealt with on its own. When this will occur, I don’t know, but it will at some point. I cannot continue to live without purpose; numb to experience and to others.

It is clear to me that this is where lies the disconnect between my upper and lower chakras.

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Dream: Activation of Purpose

I had this dream the same night as the dream memory of the Great Galactic War. The date was May 21st.

Activation of Purpose

The scene in front of me appeared to be of a disaster area. Spread in front of me was a roadway which had been lifted up and tossed over in all directions. Chunks of road could be seen that were as big as a car. People were standing stranded on the roadside, crowded up against the side of a mountain or cliff of some sort. The other side of the road was a steep drop-off. Peculiarly, there were no cars.

It was obvious the people had been there a long time. The part of the road that went over a ravine was destroyed and there appeared to be no way in or out of the area. Some people were in apathy, lingering together in huddled groups. Others still had hope and were trying to figure a way out. Still others had decided they were going to make the best of it and they began to pick on the weaker individuals, stealing from them and roughing them up.

I see the chaos and the lack of organization, of unity, and I begin to speak to everyone about how important it is not to give up and to work together. I become very passionate about what I am saying.

I awaken in the midst of speaking to the group. I am saying, “We must unite. We have to unite. Without us, mankind will perish”.

It is then that I realize who I really am. I am distinctly aware of this new me, this other me, and the contrast between the old me and the new. The New me has arrived.

Processing It All

The amount of awareness is indescribable. There is really no way to impart to you the evolution that appeared to take place at that point. I knew instantly, without doubt, that I was, am, a Starseed. The importance of my mission was so strong in me that it was like a light went off in my world.

This, I am told, is part of the activation process but there is so much more going on that is still yet to be completely revealed. There is a delicate balance that exists within me at this point between the old and the new. The old is not yet ready to be assimilated. The Ego is strong as is the mind. It is imperative that each step is taken slowly in order to procure acceptance.

Ultimately, there will be a swap in energies, a complete transfer from the old to the new.

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Purpose?

I have spent an entire lifetime searching for my purpose. It has been quite elusive. The only sense I have of it is that I am here to help. The problem is that I never knew exactly how.

I have always been jealous of people who knew exactly what their life purpose was and how to fulfill it. My ex-husband was one of these. He told me that he knew from the age of six. Six! And he achieved it exactly. The drive toward his purpose was intense and without doubt. Oh how I wish I had that!

I have met others who knew without a doubt what they were here to do and the steps to take to get there. Each time they seemed to have always known. Me, never. I just seem to drift here and there.

My earliest memories in childhood are of talking to myself and or listening to an inner voice. I was mostly happy and carefree. I had vivid dreams and visions I didn’t understand but I was not really worried about them.

But, when I was seven that all changed. I had recurring nightmares and emotional upsets. I realize now that I was overwhelmed by the emotions of others. I could not block them and took them on as my own. It was at this point that I began to wish for my own death. I often said over and over, “I wish I were dead” and I spent much of my time angry that I was alive.

By the time I entered my teens I had isolated myself pretty much from everyone, though I could not do that with my family. This I did to protect myself; to maintain some sort of balance. I was also searching for my purpose. I could not find it and there was always this gaping hole inside of me, this unfulfilled part that welled up from within. I felt something was missing but I didn’t know what. On top of that I had no clue why I was here other than “to help”.

I continue to be haunted by the feeling that I am suppose to be doing something but I don’t know what. I have become use to it, focusing on one area or another in my life to stay busy. When I am busy the feeling is not so noticeable. But it is always there.

I am again finding myself noticing the feeling. I have this impatience now that was not there before. I continue to feel as if I am waiting to get this urge to act. Yet it never comes. I feel like I have been waiting forever for this knowing, this purpose, to come to me.

I am not sure it will ever come.

In recent days I have been very close to my HS. I feel impatient. I want to “get on with it”. I am reassured and reminded to focus on my heart, which I do, but it only seems to increase the feeling that there is something, just out of my reach, waiting for me. It has rekindled the desire to find my purpose, to live my purpose. But there is a definite hold back occurring. Not yet. Not yet.

It makes me want to kick and scream and yell. It also makes me want to sigh and give up. I am told “Apathy won’t help”. I understand this and so I resign myself to my daily routine, trusting my HS. I am encouraged to write, to keep writing, so I do. It does help to get all of this out. Maybe someone is listening, maybe not. Maybe someone can relate. This path is a lonely one and a frustrating one, that is for sure.

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The Preservers

I slept hard last night and awoke with a vivid memory of a dream.

The Preservers

In this dream I was using a computer to send emails to an online acquaintance. I had been preparing a blog entry and taking notes from information I had received via Spirit (channeling). Eventually, I sought out my friend for advice but could not find her email address. I had to search through old work emails to find it and finally found two of them. I told her this when I saw her in person and gave her my notes.

She looked at the notes and questioned them because one of them reminded her of information she had also gotten. I laughed at that and told her, “I know! Isn’t that strange?” I pointed out the sheet of paper with the information on it that I had channeled. It was written in outline form but I did not read it, instead I told her about the information I received:

There are individuals who currently reside on Earth who, like most, do not Remember their past or future nor do they Remember their purpose. But their purpose is unique. They are the Preservers of Earth and they come without Karmic debt, without cycles to conclude, without emotional baggage to burden them in their travels. These you will not notice as being different nor will they try to gain attention or seek material wealth. They will be most common among common folk yet their impact upon Earth and mankind is immense and priceless. Their role is necessary for the success and preservation of mankind.

They can be found where the unnoticed linger. These are the people you do not see as you drive by the slums and clusters of homeless on the side of the road and under the bridges of your highways. If encountered, you will not remember them if you are not meant to as they are here to serve specific individuals and groups. But, if you do happen to meet one and remember then you will be forever impacted by that most probably brief encounter with their light. It is their eyes that you will remember most. Their faces will blend into your memory with that of other faces from others lives and experiences, but their eyes will be like beacons of light in your mind, forever reminding you of who you are, where you have been and where you are going. For they are eternal, limitless, pure and forever gracious reminders of Who We Are.

I was amazed at the information I was sharing with my friend but she did not seem impressed. I could not imagine an individual withouy “karma” for to me this meant they had no burdens from past lives haunting them in the present. No guilt, no pain, no grief, no desire, no jealousy, hurt or any of those other emotions that often come upon us unknowingly and without us understanding why.

My friend continued about her busy life with barely a notice of me and I consulted with my Higher Self to better understand her actions. In this time, the questions I asked were not so much about my friend but more about certain individuals I do not remember now. I only recall now that I received instructions to “block” their communications with me.

Reflection

I believe this dream was a result of my rejecting an invitation to receive communication from Melchizedek the night before. As I started this blog post, the information from the dream about the Preservers was mostly lost to me, yet when I began to type this post words began to flow out of me about this special group of people. I honestly believe these are the “angels” among us so many believe exist.

The symbolism in this dream is also not lost to me. The entire dream is about communication. In my waking life I have been ignoring requests to receive communication from higher beings. I am not sure exactly why I feel uncomfortable with it but I do. Yet the requests continue and I feel an odd heavy sensation fall over my head and upper body when they present the invitation and my mind goes completely blank. The “blocking” in this dream is representative of me “blocking” communication out of fear of the unknown. I suspect that when I do not block that the heavy sensation will subside.

I am also aware that I am being “called to action” as in the post 954: A Call to Action. I am not sure what I am being called to do but I suspect it has something to do with channeling. I have had instances where I have awakened talking with my guides about this change but I do not remember the entire conversations except that I have said more than once, “They will not understand”, All I know is this statement is referring to the people in my life whom I love. Overall, there is a hesitance in me about the coming changes I do not understand yet.

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I Wish I Were a Man

I had hoped that all the changes I have made in my life lately would lead me to more well-being and overall happiness. At first it did, but lately I have been struggling.

Overwhelm

I am feeling overwhelmed – again. The whole purpose of quitting my negative job and moving away from family and their dramas was to help ease the overwhelm I had been feeling. Unfortunately, even though I cut down my hours of work and have more time to spend with my children, I am still feeling overly burdened by all the responsibility my roles in life have given me. I try to prioritize so that I lighten that burden, but even dropping things I normally require of myself, I find that I am running myself ragged with the things I need to do. All along I have such intense resentment towards my husband because it seems he contributes so little to the long list of things that need to be done daily. He, of course, feels he is doing more than his share and also feels the burden of all that needs to be done.

I don’t honestly think there is a solution other than me letting things just completely go to pot or hiring a live-in nanny. The first is out of the question as I cannot stand to live in filth and disorder. To see the kitchen sink full of dishes bothers me and I end up doing them despite telling myself “Let them be”. I can’t stand our new wood floor being covered with slobber marks from our little one who crawls everywhere leaving a slobber trail behind him. I try to let it stay dirty as long as I can stand but ideally I would be cleaning it every day, sometimes more than once a day, just to keep it nice. I see every spot, every shoe or piece of clothing, every toy, every speck of dirt, every dusty shelf, every dirty dish, every drip mark on the floor, every smudge and fingerprint. Each out of place thing makes me feel uneasy and if not fixed and put in its rightful place bothers me until I end up an irritable, uneasy and very unhappy momma. And when I do finally give in and clean, my children or husband seem to immediately undo it right in front of my eyes. It becomes so exasperating that I see no point in bothering to make things nice when no one is helping me keep it that way and does not seem to even notice what I do.

The second solution is just too damn expensive. A live-in nanny would cost all of my income and more. Plus, I highly doubt just anyone would do and I can’t image they would keep my house in the shape I would like it to be – I can’t even do that! Then there is living with a stranger all the time. I think I would probably drive her out by week’s end, either that or I would leave.

I Hate Being a Woman

The obvious solution is just to let it go and live with that which I despise. My home is my pride and joy and to see it completely wrecked all the time makes me not even want to be in my home. In fact, I can’t even find one place that is not chaotic. I need a place that is not chaotic! The best I can do is shut off the lights and hide in my son’s bedroom. It is the only room in the house that is orderly enough for me to somewhat relax.

I feel that I am expected to be this perfect person, keeping it all together and looking good despite it. I swear I won’t be a woman again in my next life. I hate it. I hate the expectations that society places upon women. We are expected to be super human – working outside the home while also keeping everything in order inside the home. I am the primary childcare giver, the dinner-maker, the bill-payer, the keep-it-all-together superwoman. When the children cry, they look for me, not daddy. When they are hungry, they want mommy. Yet when mommy wants something for herself there is some kind of inborn mechanism in children that makes them instantly demand attention. On top of all this, daddy also wants all of mommy’s attention and then gets mad when mommy says “No” and runs to the other side of the house to hide, hoping for even the briefest moment of alone-time. Doesn’t he know how much of my day is spent providing for everyone else but myself? To expect I have even an ounce of anything left to give him is ridiculous! Yet he whines and acts similarly to the children. Is that inborn? Is that a typical man-thing?

On top of all this there is the way I look. I have no time to look good anymore. In fact, I chopped all my hair off last weekend because I was sick and tired of trying to straighten my thick, coarse, unruly hair. Now I can just put my hands through it but the reaction I get from my family? My daughter cried and my husband said, “You look good” with a look on his face that said the opposite. My own mother, when she saw my hair, looked at me and said, “You look like your sister”, which I immediately took as an insult and she knew I would. But now I have 10 more minutes of sleep in the morning. 10 more minutes of me time. I say it is worth it. Screw all those who think I don’t look good.

But I think the worst part of all this stress and trying to live up to unrealistic expectations is the toll it is taking on my skin. My face is breaking out again and every time I look at myself I think I look tired, unhappy and ugly. I am back on antibiotics to try and help with the acne issue but it doesn’t help the tired eyes or droopy-looking skin that seemingly appeared overnight. I am starting to wonder if I am going to have to be on antibiotics the rest of my life just to keep the stress acne at bay so that I can at least somewhat appear to be keeping it together.

And finally I have this major anxiety of becoming so overcome with all the things I have to do that I let myself go completely and turn into one of those women who has allowed herself to gain unsightly pounds and walks around like a zombie in Wal-Mart wearing no makeup, hair a mess and children crying and tugging at her clothes. I work out three days a week and eat a very clean diet just to make sure my body doesn’t go to pot. I get tons of compliments on how I look. “Wow! You have a seven-month old? You look fantastic!”, is a common reaction I get from other women. One would think this would make me feel better, but it doesn’t. If they only knew how much effort it took just to work out the three days a week I do work out in order to keep my body looking good. I sometimes wonder why I do it. What is the point? Oh yeah, that is what is expected of me – society wants me to be superwoman so I oblige. I wish I could revolt but I just can’t.

Like I said, I hate being a woman. Men have it so much better (or so it seems).

Solutions?

I am begging my guide to help me find a solution. I can’t seem to find one, though. The only solution that seems obvious is for me to pack up my bags and leave and be gone for a very long time. When I think of just letting things go or accepting one thing or the other as a solution it just doesn’t work. I try to accept it, but it isn’t fair and ultimately I end up angry or completely deflated and depressed. The letting go part doesn’t work either. The dishes don’t get done, the floor doesn’t get cleaned, the laundry doesn’t get done, nothing gets done, it just gets dirtier. One would think my husband would step up, but he doesn’t even seem to notice. Ultimately I end up having to wash dishes so we can eat or having to clean clothes so me and the children have something to wear. If I don’t pay the bills, well they don’t get paid. What then? Lose our home? Lose our car?

Just in case you are wondering how I find time to type in my blog – I have been working on this post for over an hour. I have been called away by mother duties at least 7 times. The normal call comes from my 3-year old who thinks he will die if he doesn’t get a sippy cup of juice or a snack that very instant. I dream of days when I don’t hear whiny cries the minute I wake up until the minute I go to sleep.

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The Nurturing of Innocence

My husband is out of town so my sleep was interrupted more than usual since I didn’t have any help with our baby. It seemed to makes no difference, however, to my dreams. I had a couple very vivid and detailed dreams last night.

vampire babyVampire War

This dream was very intricate. I could write an entire novel from the details of just this one dream! In summary, however, the dream entailed the events leading to and culminating in a war between vampires and humans.

I don’t know which side I was on but I think I was on the human side, at least at first. The beginning of the dream included the revelation to me, my family and other humans, that vampires lived among us and they were tired of being hidden. The vampires came after children first. Not only did they kill them but they also created tiny vampires out of them. In one vivid scene, a vampire baby was birthed by a vampire mother. This was a shock in itself because vampires cannot have children! Yet, in the dream, I witnessed the birth of a baby vampire and then the other vampires forced me to allow the baby vampire to feed on my middle son.

After this horrific scene, the dream continued with me and other humans running and hiding from the vampires. I recall hiding inside a home that was enormous and very elaborate. It turned out the home was of the vampire queen and that is where I discovered that a war had been waged against humanity. The vampires were winning, too.

In a particularly vivid scene of the dream, I recall a conversation I had with a vampire. I believe it was the queen. She showed me, in my mind, how it was pointless to fight them. I saw in my mind scenes of countless humans giving up and giving in to the vampires. All of the agreed to allow to be drained of blood and then transformed into undead, blood thirsty vampires. The numbers of humans left was very small and was shrinking. She tried to convince me that there was no sense in fighting the inevitable. I felt such a loss and hopelessness that when I awoke to my baby crying all I could think about was the scene where the baby vampire was drinking from my son. The impossible feeling of being unable to do anything about it hung over me as I held by baby and rocked him back to sleep.

Interpretation

I am not completely sure what this dream symbolizes, but the feeling it left me with was complete powerlessness. I felt so completely unable to do anything to make a difference in what happened; apathetic. The struggle between “good” and “evil” here is what really stands out. The “evil” could very well be death and the “good”, life. This makes the most sense to me after yesterday’s early morning OBE where I was asked “Do you really want to kill yourself”. The question has been haunting me and was likely what created this dream. The choice in the dream was about whether to succumb to “death” or to resist and continue on with “life”. I never made a decision in the dream. I just stood there in limbo feeling that I had no power in the decision and my fate was already sealed.

Accident

When I rocked my baby to sleep I was able to return to sleep quite quickly. Unfortunately, another disturbing dream awaited me.

In this dream I had agreed to watch my children as well as my two, young nephews who are 3 years and 1 year old. I recall getting the baby bag and all the supplies and saying goodbye to my husband and his brother. I stayed with the children and time passed quickly at first. Then, as it approached bedtime, the youngest of my nephews began wanting his bottle and I dug around in his bag to get it but could not find it. At the same time my other nephew got into some trouble so my attention went to him. He got hurt but I can’t remember how now. When I went to retrieve the bottle for his brother I reached into the bag and found that the 1 year old had been in it. I pulled him out and when I did two wooden stakes came out of his eyes. I was aghast and freaked out because his eyes were bleeding. The tiny wooden rods seemed to not have hurt them but I worried he would lose his vision. I called my husband who told m to take them to the hospital. I fretted over what I had allowed to happen, worrying they would blame me and make us pay for the hospital visit even though it was an accident.

Interpretation

When I awoke this time to my baby’s cries I was perturbed. Why was I having such weird, blood filled dreams? Also, I felt very unhappy about being awakened. Baby was inconsolable for some reason and this only irritated me further. But I finally got him to sleep by walking him in his stroller. I returned to bed a half hour later but could not sleep. 

The visual that stayed with me from this dream was the bleeding eyes of my nephew. The symbolism here is that there is some deep pain and internal conflict within me that needs to be address. To see eyes bleeding can also represent sacrifices and difficulties experienced in life. I feel this is very accurate for me since the previous morning’s OBE still haunts me even today and when I awoke from this dream I kept asking to sleep, not wanting to waken and confront the day ahead of me.

I Can See Clearly Nowview

What is really weird about these strange dreams and the feelings that come with them is that I keep hearing the Johnny Nash song, “I Can See Clearly Now” over and over in my head. This started yesterday afternoon and I could not get the song out of my head. Even as I fell asleep I was singing it over and over. When I woke up this morning it returned to me.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

My first thoughts to the lyrics were, “Yeah right”. Then I began wondering if perhaps it meant that things were going to get better. By this morning I figured the only thing that I needed to focus on was the first line since that is what I kept singing in my mind the most. But what is “clearly”? Does it mean that these feelings of failure and apathy that I am having are the “clear” part? If so, it sure doesn’t seem clear and there isn’t any sunshine to my day, that is for sure. Not even literally. An the “obstacles”, what are those? Life? Because all I see is more of the same and it bores me.

The Nurturing of Innocence

As I contemplated these things while lying in my bed dreading getting up, I began to drift back to sleep. I was shocked back into wakefulness by a vision of a young girl running through my line of sight. She had blond hair and was vividly bright. But she was lost the minute I tried to focus on her. All I could make out was her blonde hair and that she was wearing a dress dotted with daisies.

It happened again not long after but this time I saw the title of what appeared to be a book written out in front of me. It read, “The Nurturing of Innocence” in bold black letters that moved across my line of sight so close I could not avoid seeing them. With it came a knowingness that this was my job right now, though I rejected it immediately and went back to hating my life and its boring predictability.

Now as I contemplate the message I was given, I understand that my initial thought that this time in my life right now is meant to be devoted to my children was correct. I knew this when we put our house up for sale. I knew this when I left my job. I knew this when we moved into our new house. Yet I feel so bored with it now and I do not know what I am suppose to be doing. Surely it can’t just be what I have been doing? Should I be home schooling? Should we be going on field trips together as a family? Should I be interacting with other mothers?

All the above sounds boring to me. Sigh. Maybe it is suppose to be boring? Maybe if I do it enough I will like it? And this dread of starting back to work, what is that about? Is it because I don’t belong there, or is there more “nurturing” to be had there that I need to involve myself in?

I can’t tell which is the true me and which is my ego creating these feelings. They are all knotted up together and making it very difficult for me to see clearly……Oh, maybe that is what the song means? Perhaps the clarity is coming but I have just yet to get to that instance when the “ah ha” moment hits me? Part of me guesses that will likely to happen once I start work.

220px-Bouguereau-LinnocenceWith the title of the book I saw still bothering me, I decided to Google it. Interestingly enough I found it linked to Homeschooling blogs. Homeschooling. Hmmm. I have considered homeschooling but have been too lazy and a bit scared to do it. I am not an elementary teacher. All my training has been with older kids. Yet even yesterday I considered it again because my daughter’s soon-to-be 1st grade teacher seemed to be sleep walking through life. I could see the brain dead haze in her eyes. Ugh!

This is one of the blogs I found: The Nurturing of Innocence and Naivete. What do you think? Part of me wants to go into the school today and withdraw my little girl before her teacher makes learning and life painful and miserable. Yet, a part of me says to wait and see. There are pieces of the puzzle yet to be revealed. Perhaps I have more to learn?