Tag Archives: realizations

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Remember, It’s an Experience

I wanted to share with you the insight I received yesterday.

An expected delivery arrived at our home and it was soon learned that there would be a significant fee, like a COD, in order to receive the shipment. This was unexpected and upset me. I began to feel the familiar upset rising from within and so extracted myself from the situation as soon as I could. Thankfully my husband was able to handle it for me.

Once inside, I was thinking about the situation and heard quite suddenly, “Remember, it’s an experience”. With this I realized the truth in this statement. An experience is just that – an experience. It does not imply preference for one outcome or another. It is simply “the contact with and observation of facts and events”.

It is I who was applying a preference for one outcome or another. With this application invariably comes either disappointment or acceptance and the varying feelings that go along with each.

Through expectation I submit myself to becoming the effect of my experience. I did not have to do that.

With this revelation, I removed myself from any expectation and felt the upset vanish immediately. There was such an emotional release that I began to laugh out loud as I prepared dinner.

I am so very grateful to my Companion for his simple reminder to me. What a difference it made!

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8 Months and I Give Up

My sleep has been interrupted by strange dreams and odd messages. I have been in my stubborn I-don’t-wanna-hear-it stage, so I try and push the dreams out of my mind as soon as I wake. And I wake up a lot!

Lung Dissection

The night before last I awoke from a real vivid dream where I watched myself on the operating table. My chest was opened up to reveal my lungs. Then my lungs were sliced in half and neatly laid side by side to reveal the insides.

What is the most vivid about this dream is the inspection of the inside. I was being shown these tiny, sparkling green orbs. They were all over the inside of my lungs. They looked like little circular emeralds and were no bigger than the tip of my pinky finger in size.

I woke up immediately from the dream thinking something was horribly wrong. I was immediately calmed and then fell back to sleep.

Signing the Bill

Last night I had a string of dreams that all woke me up. I tried to forget them but they are still lingering, especially this one.

I was purchasing something and asked to sign the credit card bill. The was one of the old type – you know the kind from a manual credit card processing machine that imprinted the card numbers on paper (makes me look very old).

I went to sign my name and it barely showed up. I remember squinting at the nearly invisible signature and then rewriting my name carefully over the top so that it could be seen.

I woke up immediately after thinking I had just signed a contract or finalized one.

8 Months!?

I don’t recall the dream now (trying to forget my dreams is working I guess) but I do recall what woke me up. In the dream I was talking to someone who was discussing how long it would take to do something. I remember hearing, “8 months”.

I awoke angry and protesting, yelling at my Companion asking why it was taking so long and to get it over with already. He explained that the process could not be rushed.

I Give Up

At work today I watched some webinars and got some CEUs (continuing education) in order to keep my counseling certificate. This was voluntary because my boss seems to have forgotten I exist and so I was not on the schedule to attend any of the day’s (and week’s) professional development. I wanted to focus on spiritual matters but kept feeling not to. So I didn’t.

As the day progressed I found a webinar I really liked and began to get ideas for the upcoming counseling groups I will be conducting. It was at this time I heard a very quiet question, “Why not?” This came with a memory of long ago when I first began teaching. Back then, I fell into my work with more gusto and passion than I ever have since. I enjoyed my job so much, in fact, that I got to work early every day and loved every moment of my day.

I realized what was happening. I was being prompted to “live life” and I understood that I have been resisting life for a very long time. There is a part of me that is angry at the “system” and also angry at myself for letting it get the better of me. Every time I think of something I should do I feel that anger and a little voice says, “Why bother?”

Honestly, though, I would rather try and do something about it than nothing at all.

So I decided I would do this group. I would plan it like I use to plan lessons as a teacher. I would have fun with it. I would create it and make it my own.

I came home and bought children’s books for each topic. I look forward to reading them to the students and making the silly voices for the characters. I look forward to making posters and drawing with them while we brainstorm ideas.

The reason I loved my first year of teaching is because my working theme was, “Explore yourself”. That is what I tried to get my students to do. To discover themselves, learn about themselves and grow in themselves. I can do that with the kids I work with now. If I want to.

Maybe “living life” won’t be as much of a drag after all.

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Changing the Future Through our Children

My husband and I had a welcomed night out last night. Unfortunately, he began talking about all the things that we are doing wrong with our family and raising our children. He wanted to sell everything, buy and RV and go out on an adventure to find a new home. I was not into that idea and so resisted.

By the time we were sitting down to eat, the conversation was going nowhere. I listened to him – to us – and didn’t like it. So I changed my reaction to him.

I started talking about what we were doing right. I told him all the stuff he was picking at was overwhelming to me. How can anyone be perfect? No one can. It is unrealistic.

I began talking about our children. How different they are, their lives are, from my own. How we are who we are because someone taught us to be that way. Now we are struggling to break free of all those lessons; lessons that were the lessons of our parents, not ours. Our children, I told him, are so much more better off than we were. They know we are more than this body. They are not being force-fed religion. They are being allowed to question reality and life. They are being validated for their experiences, even if they are not “normal” ones.

I gave him the example of our daughter when she was 2 years old. She saw Spirit on our stairway and pointed him out, asking, “Who is that grumpy old man?” Rather than say, “No one is there. I don’t see anyone”, which is what my mom would have done – or worse off, laughing at her (which my mom actually did) – I asked her to describe him. “What does he look like?”, “Where is he?”

She described my grandfather who had died a year previous. I told her who he was and explained he came for a visit.

Rather than let her think something was wrong with her, I let her know nothing was wrong with her. She was/is special to have gotten a visit from Spirit.

When I reminded my husband of these things he completely changed directions and said, “You’re right. I should be focusing on and building upon what we are doing right, not focusing on all we are failing to do”.

Our night was pleasant from then on out.

Changing the Future

Things won’t change unless we do. After talking with my husband I realized just how much better off my children will be because I am changing, have changed, for the better. I had to wait until my mid-twenties to find out that I am more than this body. I wish I had only known what I know now when I was her age. How much loneliness I could have avoided and how much fun I could have had.

Not long ago my guide reminded me that my purpose was to be a mother and to focus on my children. I can see now why this would be important. They will grow up in a changed world. A world in which they will need to know what I am teaching them now. It will make them stronger, strong enough to handle the immense changes coming.

I am so very proud of my daughter and her curiosity and eagerness to explore herself. I can’t wait to explore with her, to show her more, to show her what I have learned. What fun!

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Facade

I awoke at 4am. I don’t remember my dreams but I do remember “thinking” from within a dream-like state. I was remembering and replaying in my mind a memory from a long time ago.

It was the day our senior class voted on various items prior to graduation. All 33 of us gathered in a small classroom and Mr. F stood in front of the class and began explaining all the slots that needed to be voted upon. First up was the “Most likely to Succeed” category for one male and one female senior. Every year these spots went to the class Valedictorian and Salutatorian if they were male and female. I expected to be nominated when my name was called. I did not expect for someone to nominate my best friend who was 4th in rank. I also did not expect her to accept the nomination.

I remember a classmate of mine looking my way and raising her eyebrows. She knew what was going on. Everyone did. The person who had nominated my best friend was a girl who had hated me ever since middle school when I had called her out in front of the entire class for attempting to cheat off my Algebra test. Unfortunately for me, she was a very popular girl. Not only was she beautiful (flawless good looks) but she was also a cheerleader and the leader of the “popular” girl group. All the boys drooled over her but most girls secretly hated her. I was one of the few to voice my disapproval of her. This was common for me. I rarely kept my opinions to myself. Unfortunately for me, this created in her a huge enemy and she often badmouthed me to others.

When my best friend agreed to the nomination, I knew she would win. Everyone liked my best friend. Few really liked me. In fact, I had no other close friends. My heart sunk a little because I was certain this meant a humiliation was coming for me. I thought about withdrawing but I had hope that my best friend would withdraw her nomination at the last minute. I held my breath as we were sent outside during the vote.

As we waited outside, I looked at my best friend who smiled at me. I asked her why she accepted the nomination. She said, “Why wouldn’t I?” I was surprised by her candor and lack of consideration of my emotions. This was unlike her. I told her, “You know you will win”. She just smiled and said, “We’ll see”.

When we went inside, I already knew the outcome. The popular group, led by the girl who had hated me since middle school, clapped loudly and congratulated my best friend. I sat down without looking in their direction and quietly looked toward the front of the room. The girl who had looked at me with suspicion earlier told me, “I tried to get them to vote for you, but she kept arguing against it. I’m sorry. You deserved it”. She put her hand on my shoulder to offer me her sympathy. I also felt the eyes of several others looking in my direction. I fought back tears as I looked past the girl and ignored the looks of everyone else. I knew if I looked that I would cry and I could not let them see that and win.

We continued to vote, but it was all a blur to me for the most part. I numbly participated and continued to get comments from the girl next to me about how unfairly I was treated. I wanted to crumple into a heap on the floor, but I stood my ground and held it all in. I really, really hated that girl!

When it came time for the class moto, no one had any ideas. I was wearing a t-shirt that day with a cartoon of a fish being hooked by a fishing pole. It said, “So far, so good” on it. The girl who hated me since middle school pointed at my shirt and said to everyone, “How about what her shirt says?” Of course, everyone loved the idea and it instantly became the class moto. I was a bit surprised by this. Why would that nasty girl do that? Was she trying to look good to everyone else because she knew people were thinking she potentially swayed the earlier vote? Did she feel guilty or was she just caring about how she looked? Most likely the latter.

When we were finished, I left the room and waited for my best friend outside of it. I asked her why she accepted the nomination, explaining the girl was obviously trying to create a conflict between us. She seemed surprised and a bit condescending when she responded, “Why wouldn’t I? Did you think I would step down? They thought I deserved it.” I got a bit upset with her and said, “It was supposed to go to me and you know it” and walked away without giving her a chance to respond. I noticed that one of the girls she had been hanging out with approached as I was leaving.

That was in the spring prior to graduation. I had noticed a gradual distancing from me that started after the Christmas holiday. At first it was not too noticeable but eventually it became obvious. She began to call me less and less frequently. When I inquired about it she would tell me that she did something with a girl who was a grade level below us. This girl was known to smoke pot and drink. When I inquired why we were not hanging out as much she said, “I want to meet new people”. I remember thinking that she was being nice but really just didn’t want to be my friend. I pushed the thought away and did not allow myself to angry. I decided I would just hang out with other people, too. So I started working more and spending more time with my coworkers who were also students.

What was most upsetting was that we had chosen the same school to go to. I should have changed schools the minute she began to avoid conversations about going to school together. I didn’t even attempt to room with her. Through the summer we still hung out, but she was hot and cold about our friendship, as if she wasn’t yet sure if she wanted to still be friends. Once school started, I bumped into her during registration and she completely gave me the cold shoulder and acted like she didn’t even know me. I remember feeling like a complete fool. I finally got the message that I was on my own for my first year of college. A few times we saw each other on campus. She told me she was sorry and continued to explain her actions away as being related to her trying to “find herself”. She hung out with people totally different from me, so it really didn’t matter by then. Plus, she continued to hang out with people who did drugs and a few times told me of her one-night-stands. I was not into that kind of thing.

When I awoke, I entered a moment of intense grieving over the memory. I have often wondered what happened. She has apologized to me several times, saying she was “confused” and that the divorce of her parents put her into a tailspin. I accepted this as I really just wanted my friend back, but I knew I would never fully trust her again.

As I thought about this, I recalled her once telling me why she continued to be friends with a girl who was horribly self-centered and treated others as objects. She told me, “I feel sorry for her”. That statement has long stayed with me, but I never knew why.

Then I wondered, perhaps she was friends with me because she felt sorry for me? I was always very blunt and opinionated growing up. I did not like it when people blindly followed others and felt I had to point out to them the fault in that. It often isolated me from others and by high school I had no true friends of my own.

Perhaps she felt she could help me, too? She often described herself as a “giver” and one time told me that she attracted “takers” into her life. I, of course, assumed I must be a “taker” since we were friends. All of a sudden, I recognized this to be totally untrue about myself. I gave so much to her. I loved her like family and would have done anything for her. The fact is, that she was as much a taker as a giver and that, at some point, I did not give her enough to satisfy her.

I became suddenly very angry at her. I began to cuss her out in my mind and eventually the emotional hurt dissipated. The anger did not last, though, as I remembered that we were both playing our pre-determined roles. I distanced myself from that role and looked upon our friendship as an observer would. A peace fell over me as I successfully disconnected from the memory.

I saw why I was the way I was in high school. I recognized that I am still much like that young girl. I still separate myself from groups. I still bluntly point out or criticize others who do not fit my own ideals. I continue to not have many friends. I continue to travel my own path, often very alone and isolated from others. I seem to just not fit in and the more that this occurs, the more I resent those who do. This further isolates me from others as it keeps me from finding any connections with them. I always assume they will not like me, so they don’t. I justify my continued self-imposed isolation by pointing out the failures and shortfalls of others. This cycle is a continued cycle of self-suppression. I do not like it.

Then I think about my friend and how her chosen role was “giver”. She sought to help others who she perceived needed her help. At the time, I was “loner” yet I wanted desperately to not be, so I opted to try on the role of “follower” while also retaining my “loner” facade. We fit each others purpose, so we became friends. I followed her and did so quite well, becoming completely blind to many things about her. She fed my ego in many ways, as I did hers. She allowed me to continue to be the “loner”, sharing it with me, or so that is what I allowed myself to see. In reality, she was my friend but she had many other friends who merely tolerated my presence because of her. I wonder how many people asked her, “Why are you friends with her?” I know she told me she was once asked that about me. I wonder if she told them, “Because I feel sorry for her”? I suspect she did respond this way, as most of her friends tolerated my presence until she opted to unfriend me during our senior year.

In recalling all this, I became angry at myself for not being true to who I was. I recognized the fear that held me captive. To confront my only friend would surely alienate me from her forever. It far was easier to forgive her than to confront everything I can see so clearly now. I imagined telling her off. I imagined how life would have been had I not allowed myself to be treated that way. And I recognized how much I needed her. I do not think I would have survived my high school experience without her assistance, even though I was blind throughout much of it. I needed to be ignorant of the truth. I could not have handled it and may have spiraled into a very deep depression.

Then I thought about her life since we graduated high school. How she chose the path of drug use and wanton sex with strangers. How she ended up married to an alcoholic and porn addict. How she felt forced into having an abortion because he didn’t want a baby and she couldn’t confront the idea of bringing a baby into a world without a father. How she cheated on him and then divorced him to marry the man she cheated with. Then, when she was finally happy, she got cancer and had to confront the possibility of death. For a moment I was in awe of her. I began to compare myself to her, thinking I must be a coward. Then my guide reminded me, “You have already done all of that”. I knew he was right. I just chose to do those things over entire lifetimes while she bunched them up all into one. We were different, that is all. There is nothing good or bad about the ways we chose to live. It is the choices and the lessons we learn that matter.

Life Facades

In the book I am reading there is much discussion about facades, or masks we wear in life. These are all aspects of us that, if allowed to have too much control, can run amok and cause us all kinds of problems. These facades are many, but most of us has a major one we struggle with for many lifetimes. This main facade breaks into smaller ones as we try to compensate for it when it runs amok. I was able to quickly see my role as “loner” in this life as one of these offshoot facades. I instantly recognized my attempt to compensate for my main role which had run amok on me life after life: leader.

I was able to see after that the many offshoot facades that developed as I tried to control my power monger facade. In truth, my main facade is leader, but unfortunately, the leader is not always a good one. My leader has three offshoots that I have been able to identify thus far – the teacher, the power monger and the masochist. Each of these offshoots has smaller facades that were created to help play them out. For example, the teacher facade came out in my lives as a philosopher, teacher and psychic. It is currently still trying to come through, as it will always do. In past lives I have run into the negative side of this facade, the power monger, so many times and suffered horrible results that I have sworn to never let that side of me prevail again. This has led me to explore other facades that help me suppress the power monger. The masochist is among the most explored of these facades. I have been a nun, a victim, a follower and a loner all in order to try to avoid the power monger aspect of the leader.

In taking on the many facades I have in multiple lives I have run into major fear of myself. It is sad, really, that I so fear the potential of my power monger aspect. Yet, I completely understand it. I have recalled past lives where I have allowed the power monger to wreak havoc. For example, I had a past life from another planet where I led a large group of colonists to a planet I knew was about to be destroyed. I did this to make money with full knowledge of what I was doing. I dropped off hundreds of hopeful families and left them to die, which they did, and continued on without much thought other than to the amount of profit I made. This was way before my time on Earth. Yet this facade followed me to Earth, the fear of it causing me to embrace other facades like teacher and police officer, which allowed my leader to shine without giving the power monger the fuel it needed to do harm.

As long as I can remember, I have feared my potential for destruction yet at the same time longed for positions of power and prestige. I came into this life bossing people around and taking little interest in anything but myself. As I grew older and my conscience kicked in, I began to associate this negative aspect of my personality with the hurt it caused others and myself. It is as if I remembered my past lives without knowing it. Only now, as I delve deeper into myself, do I see the true extent of the destruction I have caused along my life path. It is no surprise to me that I seek to help and bring out the positive attributes of my leader self while suppressing the power monger.

The loner aspect I currently implore, serves to disassociate me from groups which in the past have been a springboard for the power monger facade. It also helps me introvert more, therefore asking questions of myself that I need to ask in order to grow. At the same time, the teacher aspect of myself came out and, though I resisted it at first, became a positive outlet for my leader self. In addition, I opened up to my spiritual ability which enhanced my teacher self while also enticing my power monger. Thankfully, it was not my intent in this life to push the limits of my leader because I do not believe I am yet strong enough to overcome the negative aspect of it.

Edit: Happy birthday, Daddy. I’ve missed you.