Today has been a rough one so far. WTF is going on?

Firstly, I woke up in a rotten mood with all kinds of “oh poor me” thoughts and wanting to give up on life. I’m saying to myself, “I can’t do this anymore. There’s just too much to do. I’m overwhelmed.” I want to curl up in a ball and die. The other me is going, “Whaaaat!??? We were doing so good! Get out of bed and get over it.” lol

The overwhelm followed me downstairs. My husband hadn’t woken up and my two oldest were up alone preparing for school. So I had to help them and had to literally put shoes on my son because he was outright refusing to get them or even wear them. Then I discovered he lost his brand new coat (on-going coat loss issues…this is like the 3rd coat lost now). The bus comes to our front door but they still nearly missed it and my son left his glasses. I nearly fell to the floor in a heap from the overwhelm. I had thoughts like, “I can barely take care of myself how the hell can I take care of three kids? I can’t remember everything for them every day, all the time. I need help! I can’t do this….” Blah, blah. You get it. I felt like a total failure on the verge of complete mental breakdown.

Things got a bit better after I had my coffee but I got in my mind that humans were a lost cause, only caring about external validation and whether they were liked or not. Everyone always wants something from everyone else. It’s rampant. A disease. I even made up a song I was singing to myself to try and make light of the very “sad” situation here on Earth. In fact the song chorus was, “Humans are so sad…” lol

Then I nearly forgot Monty had a vet appointment so rushed there without issue. The appointment went okay except I had to take my youngest because I had not planned ahead and gotten my husband’s help. Taking a 3-year-old with a puppy to the vet is challenging. He threw a tantrum over not being able to hold the leash in the parking lot. Sigh.

On the way to the car I let Monty sniff around in the parking lot. It was nearly empty with few cars so I just tried to enjoy walking around for a bit. Elek tried to pee when Monty did (boys!) and then he decided to run full-out in circles in the parking lot. I let him because no one was driving about where he was. It was empty and open and without any dangers.

Then I hear a woman yelling out, “Oh my God, she’s not watching her baby!” I paused and looked to see where it was coming from. A black SUV had stopped in front of Pet’s Mart and a woman was looking out the window at me. I thought, “Is she talking to me?” I turned and saw Elek running about happily, saw he was fine and in no danger and then looked at Monty thinking maybe the “baby” was him. But Monty was fine.” The woman yelled at me, “No, not him! You’re baby!” I knew she was talking to me then. The Leo in me was absolutely furious but the mommy in me was thinking, “Get them in the car.” The woman was still parked there staring at me. I could feel her eyes on us, watching. For all I knew she was going to drive up and give me a piece of her mind. I didn’t want a confrontation. I just wanted to get my boys home.

I got them both in the car and noticed the black SUV driving away slowly. I remember I was shaking a bit. Not sure exactly why. Maybe a bit of fear mixed with a bit of anger. Mostly I was shocked that someone would so easily judge me like that. The whole drive home I was thinking, “I should have flipped her off. I should have explained…no that would have been stupid….I should have…” Eventually I calmed down and thought, “No I did exactly the right thing.” But I was furious as her, at women like her, who jump to conclusions and decide they are mother of the year and the only ones who know how to take care of a child. Ultimately, I realize that if she was judging me that harshly then she is judging herself 10x more. I felt sorry for her and even imagined how she must be like with her kids. Helicopter parent popped into my mind, too. Sigh. I’ve been there. Terrified that any minute I would lose sight of my child and they would be hurt or worse. But I have three children now and by number 3 (and 2 boys) you kinda realize things, things that had I tried to explain to the woman she would never have understood.

Sadly, during that incident I got an awful headache that has still not lessened. 😦 Stupid humans. LOL

Elek with Monty at the Vet clinic.

I have since concluded that today is throwing at me things I need to work on. Not in a subtle way either. Yesterday was not much different but today life is doing what my guides and dreams usually do. Motherhood. Expectations. Beliefs. The need for external validation. All of it thrown in my face as soon as I woke up. And the day is only half over.

And then I wonder why the hell I opted to be an empath and feel people’s thoughts. Especially now. It is like people are throwing their thoughts and feelings at me. I am being bombarded constantly when I go out and even in my own home. I just want to find a shelter and hide there away from any other human-people. lol Give me my dog or any animal, but no humans please.

The incident with the woman in the parking lot showed me how much I absorbed others feelings/thoughts and take them on as my own. My immediate thought to her yelling at me was, “Am I a bad mom?” I let her thoughts/feelings override my own Knowing. I am a good mom. Yet in that moment I doubted it. Just for a split second but that is all it takes.

On the drive home I was wondering why people can’t just keep it all to themselves. Not just their words but their energy. Don’t they know others can feel it? And if they can’t withhold it, can’t they at least be aware of it and make adjustments? It’s not that difficult. Not really.

It’s like little Monty. He is very empathic. His reaction to humans is completely dependent upon the human interacting with him. If he senses anger, irritation, upset, anxiety, he responds in kind even if the emotion he senses is not directed at him. I’ve never had a dog as empathic as this little guy. It blows my mind.

So now I am wondering if I somehow became more empathic over this past year? Is this how I am going to be the rest of my time here? It is really starting to freak me out a bit. The way I receive communication from people both online and in person has changed. I can sense between the lines, between their words. I have always been able to do this but now, now I get complete thoughts, as if they are my own, but I recognize they aren’t. Sometimes they feel almost like a suggestion. Other time they a repetitive, like the intention from the person being sent in waves toward me.

For example, when I went to the CPR class, the teacher’s intentions and thoughts were coming to me. At first I was thinking to myself, “Hmmm. I wonder if I would like doing this for a living? It looks like it is something that suits me….” I had thoughts on and off throughout the class. At one point he began asking me personally about my teaching experience and digging a bit. Eventually I began to suspect the thoughts were not mine because of their repetitiveness and the instructors curiosity about me. I began to wonder, “Maybe he wants to know if I want to teach CPR like he does?” I never asked. I was dealing with overwhelm enough as it was.

At the end of the class he casually mentioned his business and asks the class as a whole, “If any of you is interested in doing what I do, contact me. I am trying to start my own business and branch out on my own.” I thought to myself, “It was him! I heard him wondering about me this whole time.” lol

This is just one example. If I am out and about I even sense what people in other cars are thinking/feeling. I can’t escape it. I am doomed.

I know there are worse things but honestly I don’t want it right now. I don’t want to have to protect myself or be constantly analyzing my own thoughts for intruding ones. I know others don’t mean to but it feels like they are pushing their thoughts and feelings at me. It isn’t just the normal empathic sense that I’m use to. It really feels like an all out attack sometimes. I know it’s not. They don’t know, but I am now starting to understand something my guidance mentioned at one point a while back. We humans do not realize how loud our thoughts and emotions are. We are constantly projecting! We are completely open books for anyone with any telepathic ability to manipulate. Ahhhhhh!