Tag Archives: Spirit

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Peace

I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace

I woke this morning with the chorus from this song in my head and a feeling similar to how I was feeling not long ago – I didn’t want to get out of bed. A specific line of the chorus, “we’re only here, oh, for a little while”, kept repeating in my head. I love the song and it has been used to relay a message to me before, but this morning I just didn’t want to hear it.

Where Did the Memories Go?

As the song played in my head, memories of my youth began to trickle in. Specifically, a memory from when I was 12 years old. My father came back into my life after years of disconnection. He just popped back in, out of blue, and acted as if nothing had changed. Of course, me being 12 and all, everything had changed.

He brought with him a girlfriend. A very garish woman with big hair and penciled in eyebrows that made her look like a clown. Her makeup was dark and befitting of a twenty-something year old. Yet her clothing was more in line with her age – around 50 or 60. I don’t remember the woman’s name now, but I know I instantly did not like her. This is also not surprising considering the circumstances.

We went to a fancy restaurant – Red Lobster (back then it was considered high end – really!). We were there to celebrate my younger sister’s birthday. She would be turning 10. After eating, the garish woman and my father presented my sister with her gift and I was extremely jealous when she opened it. She got Clinique make-up! I remember looking at the little, sea green compact and feeling my heart sink. I thought to myself, “She is too young for that!” and wanting it desperately for myself. But I kept my mouth closed and smiled, pretending to be happy for her.

The memory stopped there but the feeling of it did not. I was so full of hate back then. It was me against the world. It was vile. I am not sure how I made it through my teens because that feeling pretty much stayed with me until I was in my mid-twenties. It grew and changed as I suppressed it and tried hard to not become the effect of it. Sometimes I managed to keep it at bay but most of the time it hung over me like a dark rain cloud.

Much of my feelings stemmed from anger but I also believe I brought some of them into this life with me. Especially the feeling that I should be loved more than my siblings. I secretly always wanted to be an only child. I have since remembered my last life. It was brief but I do know one thing – I was the only child. Hmmm. Ha! I was also not treated well and my life ended in a horrible way – murdered by a father figure; drowned in a shallow fountain in an unfamiliar place. Torn from my family, life taken from me abruptly and betrayed by someone I thought loved me, I found myself trapped between the Other Side and Earth – bound to a life that was no longer mine.

All these memories were instantly with me as I awoke this morning. Why? Perhaps it was because yesterday, looking into my daughter’s face as we spent time reading together before bed, I thought about how I use to cherish similar memories of my own childhood, yet, I could not remember them. Where did they go? And I thought to myself that this must be why I am so bitter about having to live life. I have lost memories I once cherished.

time_joakim_kraemer_photography_One Life, Many Me’s

I read yesterday in one of the many blogs I now follow on WordPress that as we change, we leave a part of ourselves behind. We shift into a new Self. This is part of living. It is part of change. And change is the one constant – it is expected, though many of us fear it and reject it.

I have had many me’s in this life. The first, my childhood – when joy and laughter were still very much a part of my life. This me only lasted for about six years. Too short, if you ask me.The second me began with my parent’s divorce and stayed until my mid-twenties. This was probably the most challenging part of my life. I went through middle and high school, met my first husband, went to college and then left my first husband. I lived in parts of the U.S. I never thought I would and traveled across the world to Australia and the U.K. Yet I was not complete. I felt lacking. All the time.

The third me emerged with my spiritual awakening at around the age of 26. I recall recognizing the other me’s during this time. They felt foreign to me. When I looked at those me’s a didn’t recognize them as a part of me. I was so different. There is no way they could be me. Even now, when I recall memories of those times, they seem surreal and dreamlike, as if they were just one of my many astral travels.

And now I feel like I am entering into another stage, one that will create yet another me. Hopefully the final me. I have yet to see where one me ended and another began, but this could be because I am in the midst of it. I worry that in order to transform into the new me there needs to be a drastic ending somewhere. For example, the beginning of the current me came after several drastic ends – the biggest being divorce. The ending of the childhood me came with divorce as well. And it could be that there will be divorce this time as well, but not necessarily the divorce of man and woman but a divorce of old habits, behaviors and beliefs.

Peace

The final feeling that came with hearing the song by O.A.R. this morning was an irritation at not getting to astral along with a rejection of astral travel – almost as if it serves only to slow me down right now rather than help me progress at the rate I should be. Typical of that internal conflict that has proved so difficult to overcome in this life – the ego versus the Self. Always, when I thought about the purpose astral travel serves in my life, I heard the line “we’re only here for a little while”, as if to say “Focus on living your life now, not on other planes of existence as it is this existence which is most important at this time”. And the message is clear – we are only here for a little while, just a blink compared to the eternity of that which we are. And the peace we find in ourselves can be found anywhere, even here on Earth, if we accept our chosen path, do not allow the ego to confuse us and misguide us, and travel it wholeheartedly. Easier said than done.

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Music of the Night

As I was laying in bed last night trying to go to sleep, I began to see images flash through my mind. This is not unusual. It typically means I am nearing sleep and sometimes it means I am nearing the point where I can exit my body. I began seeing images of people and things long ago after my spiritual awakening, so I am use to having these things occur. However, the frequency of such occurrences has decreased significantly since 2007. I guess because I have been so busy creating and raising a family.

Inner Childlittle-angel-wallpaper_1280x1024_78423

I really took no notice of the images because I was talking to one of my guides as I drifted off to sleep. We were discussing my current concern about not enjoying life. I started the conversation but it felt as if it were one that had been started previously, though I had no memory of it. When I brought up the question of how I could enjoy life more and my guide told me that I needed to find her, the me buried deep inside who held my joy. When he said this, I knew he meant what many call the “inner child” – the one who feels joy, loves life and lives in the moment. I also thought of my 4 month old son and how he was pure joy to me.

When I recognized what my guide was saying, I noticed emotion begin to well up from within. However, rather than be overwhelmed with it, I merely saw it there and made it stay. I did not allow myself to feel it. This was odd to me as it seemed that I could see it there within me, a ball of greenish-blue, swirling color. If I touched it with my mind, I would feel the emotion. If I let it go, I merely knew it was there. When I questioned my guide about it, he said I could control my emotion and I understood that I could. It was very interesting to me. I remembered in my early astral travels how I had to control my emotion or else I would not maintain astral. Perhaps I could do the same in life?

Visit

The conversation continued and I must have started to doze. That is when the images became more clear. I don’t remember most of them but I do remember the last one. As I saw it I mentally exclaimed, “That was Nanny!”.

The image I saw was of my grandmother with her back to me. I saw her hair pulled up in a bun like she always wore it, I could even make out the streaks of gray in her fading brown hair.

Excited, I wondered if she were there and immediately knew she was. I said to my guide, “She’s here, isn’t she?” Without waiting for an answer, I began to talk to her. It was not long before I heard her reply, “I miss you”.

After acknowledging her and perceiving her message, I began to allow myself to drift back to sleep. I was still thinking about what my guide and I had been talking about. He was telling me, “We will help you”. I was asking if I could change my astral experiences so that I could learn how to release my inner child. My guide mentioned family and as if he and I became one, I knew that my family would come to visit my dreams. I specifically thought of those that were living and began to fantasize about astral traveling with them, especially with my baby boy.

It was at that time that my thoughts were interrupted by a voice calling my name. It was very loud, as if I were being yelled at. The sound of my name being yelled startled me. I instantly recognized that my grandmother had called my name. I told her, “You don’t have to yell. You scare me when you do that. You made my heart pound!”.

I immediately felt her close and knew she was with me. My heart continued to pound, but not because I was scared but because I had experienced something so rare. Not only was it my own family member who was trying to contact me, which is rare in itself, but the way she went about it was new and unusual even for Spirit who is not family.

What was new about it? Yes I hear Spirit often but 99% of the time it is as if it is my own thought. The voice comes from within me yet is separate. It took me a long time to learn to differentiate between my own thoughts and those of Spirit. I am pretty adept at it now and my guide tells me they choose to speak with me this way for two reasons: 1. I can hear them that way and 2. It takes more energy and effort on Spirit’s part to make themselves more noticeable. I also, personally, think they don’t want to scare me or freak me out as it always makes my heart pound. It is similar to how one would feel if they were in bed trying to sleep and a strange voice yelled at them.

I will try to explain how I heard my name called but it is difficult. It echoed in my head rather than coming from outside of me and sounded as if it moved from one side of my head to the other, mimicking someone walking around behind me. It was also very distinctly female. I have heard something similar in movies when they try to replicate what it might sound like if someone were hearing voices. It was very similar so whoever came up with that did a good job of replicating it.

After finally calming down from the initial surprise and awe of being spoken to this way, I settled down and began to talk with my grandmother. I figured she must have something to say if she was going to yell at me, you know?

We talked for quite a while. She told me how smart she thought I was and how much she loved me and missed me. I told her I was not excited about starting my new job in two weeks and she said, “You are smart” as if that were going to dissolve all my concerns. She also indicated that I was worrying over something I should not, especially my worry about working with young children. The image she sent me in my mind was older children – tweens mostly.

My grandmother seemed different from when we last talked which was about a week after her death this past May. I asked her about it because she was so bubbly and happy then and now she seemed more calm and focused. She explained to me that it was still her and that when I last spoke to her she was reveling in the feeling that comes when a person is released from the burden of life and body. She explained that the feeling is such a release that there is a celebration of being reunited with the true Self. She then told me that our true nature is joy. When we return Home we remember that and overflow with ourselves.

We continued to talk for a while after that. It was very obvious to me that she and I were more connected than I ever thought. I did not feel a strong connection with her in this life. I loved her, yes, but I did not trust her and felt a distance between us. She told me that was okay and said, “We are friends”. I knew instantly that she was my soul family. I thought how odd it was that I never felt that in life. I also realized that she was able to speak to me more than my other family in Spirit because I did not grieve her passing like they did. Rather than being hurt by it, she took advantage of it so that she could speak with me. I asked her to continue talking with me in my dreams because I needed to rest. Unfortunately, I could not fall asleep. I kept feeling like I would be missing something if I did sleep.

The Music of the Night

When I did finally fall asleep, I was awakened by my baby crying and had to spend a while walking him in the carriage to get him to go back to sleep. Then my other son woke up. I ended up awake for about a half hour.

When I did fall asleep I found myself in a mansion. I was dressed in 19th century clothing and wore a white, lace shawl over my shoulders. I heard a woman who was with me call me, “Mistress”. I knew instantly that she was the nanny to my child, though I did not see my child.

A man, my husband I presume, came in and was very abrupt in his speaking. He ordered us to wait for him while he was at court and then he left. I remember thinking it was normal for him to go to court. He was also dressed in similar period  clothing to my own – a shirt with an over-sized white collar and tan, embroidered vest.

When left alone, the nanny and I began to talk. I don’t remember what we spoke about but I do believe she was my grandmother from this life, whoalso took care of children. She even appeared similarly, with dark brown, wavy hair.

I remember we went up and down a spiral staircase and then she began to sing. I recognized the song and sang with her, but mostly listened to her. As she sang, we were transported into a cave with tunnels. She stood at the edge of a clear pool of water in the cave as she sang. It had moss and other aquatic plants in it and I could see aquarium fish in it – large, red guppies specifically.

I knew my grandmother was singing “The Music of the Night” from The Phantom of the Opera. I began singing along during phantomone of the times when the song hit a high note. My grandmother sang a lower note and I knew it was because she always sang alto and that I was suppose to sing soprano. I then looked at the pond and said it was beautiful and pointed out the red guppy. It came to the surface as if it thought I were feeding it. It was much larger than it should have been, at least the length of one of my fingers.

I awoke intent on finding the lyrics to the song and when I heard it I got goose bumps all over. I am familiar with the song from my high school days. We played it in marching band. I never learned the words, though. I am not certain of the message but I know that music plays a very important role in my life, both here and on the Other Side. It fills me with joy and being that is what I was talking with my guides about before bed, I am certain they wanted me to remember and tap into that joy.