Tag Archives: spirituality

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Opened Door

Last night I again had very vivid dreams, dreams that seem to be directing me and asking me to explore aspects of my Self which I have previously chosen to abandon.

Searching for Father

In the first very vivid dream I was with many orphaned young boys in a very large mansion that appeared to be a boarding school of some kind. Specifically, I was working with a boy whose father was Arnold Schwarzenegger. The boy was the bastard of Arnold and so had no real relationship with him. The other boys were in similar predicaments and I was helping them to meet their father’s for the first time.

The young Schwarzenegger stood in line very nervous. He went up some stairs and I followed with my consciousness (I do not recall having a body but seemed to follow the story and act as a guide to the child). When the child got to the door he was nervous and a loud voice boomed out to him from a speaker, asking him questions about himself. The voice was of his father and the child answered as he stood with the body guard not knowing if he would be let in.

The child was allowed in and found himself standing inside a chamber filled with odd items that I could not name. They looked like very large, blown up silver shrapnel and wires tossed about and every once in a while there appeared to be a yellow or red flash of light. I, at this time, felt to be one with the child and experienced this with him. I suddenly knew where we were: we were inside the brain of his father. I recognized instantly the items strewn about to be the neurons and pathways of the brain. The lights were the paths lightening up when a thought occurred. It was quite fascinating and all at once I realized that the brain and the body were like a robot controlled by the spirit who occupied it. I saw this first hand and knew this man in real life was allowing his body to control him more than he was controlling the body. He was the robot.

33Looking for 33

The dream changed at that point and I found myself with my great aunt (the sister of my grandmother who passed away last year). She was driving a truck and I was the passenger. She appeared happy and alert but I was distrustful of her because in real life she has dementia.

She drove along the road heading through a city. I saw road signs and heard her say the road name. I watched as we drove by it. The truck lurched and made awful noises and I swore it would fall apart. I held on for dear life.

We went past the city onto a dirt road that quickly turned rocky. Boulders stood in the way and my great aunt happily drove over them. Eventually we were forced to stop as the road dead ended in a pile of rocks and a mountain side. I explored it and saw a mirror perched on a bolder facing the mountain. I looked up and saw a handful of rugged men with wild eyes looking at us and knew this was not where we belonged. I took the mirror and flung it at them. It shattered at their feet. I turned and ran yelling behind me for a man who was with me to pick up my great aunt and bring her along.

We reentered the city and I heard the man (my guide?) say, “33 is this way. You will see it clearly”. I listened and went with him. Soon I saw a cafeteria and tables with numbers. I clearly saw table number 33 and went toward it. When we got there I saw two older black women sitting in the table. I let my middle son sit with them and opted to sit at another table next to them, table number 99. There was a nice black lady sitting at it, too.

Eventually I went over to table 33 with my son and spoke with the black ladies. They asked about my son and his growth. I said he had not gained much in weight or height. One woman said to me, “This is common of the middle and younger children in our family. They are often deformed”. I thought this odd and then asked, “I wonder, do you have abilities in your family, too? My grandmother is the only one that had them in my family”. The lady told me, “Yes, our mother had abilities. She would often confuse her other life with this one, talking about times long gone. She was thought to be crazy by some and eventually she stopped talking about it”. I knew the life her grandmother was caught up in was during the middle ages and understood. I told her, “I have control over mine”.

She then asked me, “Is there anything you are concerned about?” I thought about it and then said, “Not really, but my legs are bothering me. I have all these spider veins now”. I pointed them out to her. As I thought about what I was about to say next she said my thought back to me, “You wish you were black like me”. I answered, “Yes, especially now”. I remember wishing I were darker skin so no one would notice the spider veins and recalled my past life as a black woman.

Message: Spiritual Trauma

I awoke from the dreams instantly thinking of how I had been inside the brain of a man and then had been sitting at a table with the number 33. I wondered why I had chosen table 99 and then moved to 33. 99 means endings; that a part of my life is ending allowing for a new beginning. 33 symbolizes guidance and that all is possible at this time. I wondered briefly what it all meant.

Before I had time to think about it much further my guide began to speak to me.

“Spiritual trauma.”

All at once I was hit with knowingness. I wish I could adequately describe how this happens. It is so fast, so instantaneous, that all I can do to make sense of it is try to break it down. It is as if an entire dialogue occurs in an instant. One could say that it is “downloaded”, it happens so quickly.

I instantly knew these two little words were huge for me. My job is to help those experiencing spiritual trauma. I just knew it. I didn’t know how but the knowingness caused my heart and third chakras to activate and I lost my breath for a moment. To me, this is validation itself, big as day.

My mind went crazy with thoughts. What is spiritual trauma? What am I suppose to do? And then a realization, “So these are the instructions you told me were coming?”

My guide responded, “Yes. Just consider it” and I knew he meant I needed to listen with my heart. These were not instructions in the sense that I had to do what I was told. I could choose. I always have a choice.

I kept wondering about my dreams and the recent message, trying to make sense of it all. My guide interrupted and said, “Turn off your brain”. It stopped my thoughts and I realized what he meant. I needed to clear my thoughts and stop the whirlwind of questions. But I couldn’t. I was stuck on worrying about spiritual trauma. Was I in trauma? I did not think I was, but perhaps I had been.

My guide asked, “What are you afraid of?”

I replied, “My power”. Then I thought some more and I said, “My quick tongue. I need to think more before I speak. I often hurt others feelings when I blurt out things. I need to stop doing that”.

He replied, “The biggest challenge we face in life is fear of ourselves”.

86798832-open-door1Opened Door

I kept hearing over and over, “Turn off your brain”. So that is what I attempted to do. When I finally did, I found myself standing at a door. I was wearing a heavy winter coat and it was dark. The door began to open slowly, light pouring though. I walked through into a wintery scene but it was obvious the snow was melting. Spring was on the way. Warmth was spreading out and bringing new life to a desolate place. I saw I was standing on a sidewalk lined by large trees. Icicles were heavy on their branches and dripping with water

Recognizing what was happening I became too aware and the scene in front of me faded. I understood it to mean that something frozen in my life was thawing out. In dreams, something being frozen represents that which has been suppressed, rejected or denied. Could this vision indicate that my spiritual gifts are about to reemerge? I have for sure suppressed them for a very long time.

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Graduated

I have been trying to make sense out of what is happening to me ever since my kundalini experience on the 12th. I am stumped. Why would all of that happen and then suddenly stop? Not only that, but the OBEs and lucid dreams that led up to the kundalini stopped as well. I feel as if I were built up and built up with exciting prospects for change only to be allowed to fall back down and be left to ponder what happened and flounder about in the physical. I feel completely let down and abandoned.

No More School

In a dream I visited a university campus. I felt very at home there and wished to stay but I knew it was just a visit. This saddened me and I spent as much time as I could there mingling with other students and visiting areas of the campus I was familiar with.

I recall going to the lobby of the dorms and seeing other students waiting in line for the keys to their mail boxes. I told them they would be waiting a while because I had waited and never gotten my keys. I then stopped and ate some chocolate fudge that was left there for the students. When I turned to look back, the students had gotten their mailbox keys. I wondered why I never got mine and it bothered me.

I went into the elevator and a young man pushed the number 6 and then the number 7. I thanked him, thinking he pushed the number 6 for me since that was my floor, but he looked at me strangely and I quickly realized he had just pushed his own floor number. I got out at the sixth floor and then found myself going back down and to the gym available to the students of the university. I watched the students going into the gym and waited, deciding to come back later and leaving again for my room to get my ID. I never went back because there was no ID to get. I was not going to be a student anymore. I graduated.

I met up with some rough looking guys, people I would never hang out with. I talked to them but I do not remember what we talked about. I left the university with them, though, and headed on a road out of town. I was in the lead driving but had no car, it was more like I was floating. I had to stop at a car wash where there was lined up many trucks. They left only one lane of traffic and I led the others out and around the parked trucks.

The dream ended with me grieving about not getting to stay. I told someone who was with me, “I want to stay here”. As I grieved I felt my root chakra activate and huge amounts of the energy shot up through me and into my physical body. I did not wake up, which would be the usual. Instead I continued in the dream and in grief.

Graduated

I woke up feeling very disappointed and sad. Though I did not get a direct message, I knew what the dream meant. I was no longer going to be going to “school”. I had graduated. I got the message earlier in the week that I had graduated but I assumed it meant I went to a new school and that more was awaiting me. I had gotten my hopes up for nothing. There would be no more school. I was done with whatever it was I was doing. I am not even sure now what that was. Maybe it was “ascension” or maybe it was just an adjustment of some sort. I do know that nothing is going on now. I am back to “normal”, or maybe even below normal as I am not having much in the way of spiritual experiences.

I tried to go back to sleep and soon found myself walking through a door that led into a dark room. My awareness peaked suddenly and I began to cry as I realized where I was and what was happening. I was being brought into a room by one of my guides. It was dimly lit but my vision turned on suddenly with my awareness and I saw lanterns lit along the sides of the room. It was a golden color and the feeling was that I was being brought in to receive a message.

Unfortunately, my awareness was too much and so I stopped the encounter with my guide before it began. I was only able to receive the calming energy that hit me in waves starting in my left side and radiating out my right side and up and down my entire body. I was too upset to allow it to continue for long, though. I told my guide immediately that I felt abandoned. He, of course, told me instantly that was not the case. I did not want to hear what he had to say. I knew he was going to tell me that I was done with whatever I had been doing, that the original plan had been changed, reasons unknown to me.

I got very upset because there is little I enjoy about the physical life I live right now. I look forward only to my sleep where I can escape into dreams that hopefully will turn lucid or where I can go OOB. Each morning when I wake up to realize I have once again not been allowed these little pleasures leaves me feeling that much more disinterested in life.

I was told this later on this morning:

To remain balanced between the Spiritual and the physical is a challenge few take on. It is worthy of only a few and you are one of the few. Beware indulgence in one or the other for you are both and to deny one is to deny part of yourself.

This only confirmed what I had assumed – that I am not continuing the spiritual transformation at this time because I need to focus on the physical. It is very frustrating because all the physical has to offer me is less than pleasant. For example, my baby is going through the clingy stage. If he is not in my lap or in my arms then he is crying non-stop. I cannot be alone without having to endure his cries, which to a mother is total torture. I would like nothing better than to fast forward time past this stage for it is my least favorite. I see so many women my age celebrating the graduation of their children and I envy them. Why did I wait so long to have children? I am too old for this.

I am told that it is time to move to the next “level” – whatever that means. From what I can make of the information I came back with from dreamland this morning, that level involves being a “teacher”. All I can think of is the countless days ahead of me spent tending to my children and it is overwhelming. I have concluded that I am just not very good at being a mother. Yet that seems to be what my guides are pushing me to focus upon. I would much rather have to endure a catastrophe where a bomb hits my house and I suffer horrible pain but then die a quick death than endure the suffering of a mother. Perhaps that is the “warrior” in me coming out. I have to laugh a bit at this because most would not want the pain of a horrible death and here I am not a bit afraid of that yet terrified of the prospect of being a mom! Ha!

Touche.

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Upside Down Tree

A couple of days ago I had the urge to do a handstand. I ignored it, actually laughing to myself as I imagined how funny I would look upside down. I don’t know where the thought came from or why and I really didn’t think much about it.

That night I awoke between dreams and in my mind I saw the image of an upside down tree. The roots were in the air and the leaves were under the ground. The roots were not bare, either. They had white circles or leaves coming up off of them.

I found the image intriguing and thought I should paint it. I had no reason to think it might be connected to the handstand idea I had.

The next day I did a Google search to find out if the image I saw in my mind existed somewhere else. Maybe someone had seen it, too? Maybe it had meaning I did not know about.

I discovered many such pictures online, none exactly like the one I saw. What was interesting to me was that the upside down tree is linked to a yoga pose. When I discovered the link to yoga, I recalled my idea to do a handstand the day before. So! It wasn’t just a funny thought that passed through my mind! It must have been a message that I ignored because it seemed so ridiculous.

yoga-pose-handstand-8510-2Handstand Pose

From what I found in my research, handstand pose is one of the most difficult yoga poses. Besides the physical benefits of the pose – strengthening the shoulders, cardiovascular system, lungs, and lymphatic  system – there are numerous spiritual benefits. Spiritually, the pose is empowering, challenging, and liberating as it creates a new perspective by literally turning the world upside down. It also helps one get past the fear of the unknown.

In my research I stumbled upon a blog that explains exactly why I saw this inverted tree in my vision:

To be upside down instead of right side up, is paradoxical, it is uttanita. Uttanita in Sanskrit means to expand your awareness and shift your perspective, to see something in a new way. Uttanita means, flip it, the opposite is true and what is reality, truth, is the reality you don’t see. The world and your experience shows you ‘reality’, and the paradox is there is a whole reality that you don’t see or experience. (We know like 4-5% of the Universe, the rest is the hidden reality known as dark energy and dark matter, we don’t  see.) Uttanita is the revelation of that which is concealed, when you can shift your perspective to see that which is hidden.

The author goes on to say:

Adho mukha vrksasana is Sanskrit for downward facing tree pose, also known as Handstand. One of the philosophical roots of the asana (posture) of Handstand is from a 2000 +/- yr old yogic Vedic text called the Upanishads, a compilation of yogi sage’s wisdom. The Katha Upanishad says: “This universe is a tree eternally existing, its roots above, it’s branches on earth below. It’s pure root is Brahman, the immortal, from whom all the worlds draw their life, and whom none can transcend, for this Self is supreme.” Another yogic scriptural reference for the pose is the Asvatta Tree of Consciousness, from the Bhagavad Gita, Vs 15:1,2. “The shastras speak of the imperishable ashvatta tree as having its roots above and branches below; Its leaves are the Vedic hymns, and he who knows this is a knower of the Vedas. It’s branches extend below and above, and being nourished by the gunas create the entire universe with sense objects as sprouts; below in the world of humans stretch for the the roots promoting action. “

Synchronicity

For me the message to try to tackle this pose goes along with a major dream theme I have been encountering: embracing the feminine side. It also suggests that I need to view the world from a new perspective. My many masculine qualities tend to overshadow my feminine ones. I view life as a problem that needs a solution rather than just view it passively and without confrontation. In many ways I act like a warrior, ever on the lookout for the next attack. This makes me feel very uncomfortable in my own skin, pacing about and overly anxious.

The dream symbols I have encountered are strikingly obvious as to the message they bring. In one dream I saw a wounded deer. I thought the deer was dead but it looked so alive I took a closer look. I saw that its hind leg was injured and appeared to be imbedded in the ground. Unable to move, it was slowly starving to death. I recall thinking someone should just put it out of its misery, but I also had huge amounts of sympathy for it. I wanted to go back to help but also wanted to kill it. I couldn’t figure out which would be best.

danideer2.jpg w=900The deer is a symbol of femininity, grace and nurturing. It being wounded suggests that this quality in myself is “wounded” and my desire to “kill” it while also wanting to “help” it suggests I am at odds with accepting this part of myself.

I also had a dream where I was adopting a baby because it had been abandoned. I chose a girl baby over the boy only because the boy babies father took him in. I was left with the girl and look upon the boy longingly.

Just last night I dreamed of another baby. This one lost its left arm.

Babies are very similar to deer in their symbolism. They represent innocence, warmth, purity, vulnerability and helplessness. Loss of the left arm suggests that these qualities are missing in my life. Adoption symbolizes taking on something new or different. In this case the qualities of the baby represent qualities within me that I am denying. I am being asked, “What is missing in your life?”

Upside Down Tree

I tried to do a handstand but failed miserably. I will keep working on it, though. I suspect it will help since yoga has been so helpful to me thus far. The image of the upside down tree is still very vivid in my mind. The roots reaching to the sky represent Oneness while the leaves below represent the Earth and life upon it; our individuality via human experience. I suspect that the pose will help me to better recognize this Oneness.

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Blue Jay

Today as I was going about my day, I noticed a huge blue jay sitting on my back fence. He just happened to be in the same spot where I saw the leaves of a tree formed into the perfect seven not long ago. I stopped what I was doing and watched him. He was beautiful and so magnificently marked. Blue jays are not around much here where I live so to see one is rare. I immediately took note that he may be bringing me a message.

Blue Jay Symbolism

From Animal Speak by Ted Andrews.

The blue jay has long been thought of as a bully and a robber, and although it can have those tendencies, it has other qualities that make it stand out positively. For those to whom the jay comes as a totem, it can reflect lessons in using your own power properly. It can also reflect lessons in not allowing yourself to be placed in a position in which power is misused against you.

The word ‘jay’ comes from the Latin ‘gaia’ or ‘gaea’ which has associations to Mother Earth. In Greek mythology, the union of Mother Earth (Gaea) and Father Heaven (Uranus) resulted in the first creatures who had the appearance of life. This reflects much about the intrinsic power associated with the jay. It has the ability to link the heavens and earth, to access each for greater power.

The black and white markings found on its blue wings also reflect this same ability. The sky (blue) separates the Heavens (white) and the earth (black). This is a totem that can move between both and tap the primal energies at either level. The jay is aware of this innate ability, and this is reflected in its blue crest–higher knowledge that can be used.

The main problem will be in dabbling in both worlds, rather than becoming a true master of both. Those with a jay as a totem usually have a tremendous amount of ability, but it can be scattered or it is often not developed any more than is necessary to get by. it is not unusual to find individuals with blue jays as totems to be dabblers–especially in the psychic and metaphysical field. They know a little bit about a a lot of things, and they use that knowledge sometimes to give the impression they know more, or that they are true masters.

The bright blue crest of the jay should always be a reminder that to wear the crown of true mastership requires dedication, responsibility, and committed development in all things in the physical and spiritual. The blue jay is a reminder to follow through on all things–to not start something and then leave it dangling.

The blue jay reflects that a time of greater resourcefulness and adaptability is about to unfold. You are going to have ample opportunities to develop and use your abilities. The jay does not usually migrate, staying around all winter, so look for there to be ample time to develop and use your energies to access new levels. It will stay around and work with you as long as you need it.

The blue jay is actually a member of the crow family, and most crows have no fear. Crows and jays alike will gang up to harass and drive off owls and hawks. The jay is fearless, and it is because of this that it can help you to connect with the deepest mysteries of the earth and the greatest of the heavens.

The blue jay is an excellent mimic, with a sharp eye and voice. It especially has a wonderful knack for imitating red-shouldered hawks. Old-time naturalists were convinced the blue jay derived pleasure from this activity. As with all members of its family, this sense of seeking pleasure–often at the expense of others–can reflect an imbalance. Sometimes jays show up when this is occurring in your own life.

Blue jays have a tremendous ability for survival with the least amount of effort. They reflect great talent, but that talent must be developed and utilized properly. If the jay has flown into your life, it indicates that you are moving into a time where you can begin to develop the innate royalty that is within you, or imply be pretender to the throne. It all depends on you. The jay has no qualms. It will teach you either direction.