I cannot quite explain how I’ve been feeling lately. It is not the familiar numb feeling or zoned out feeling, but it is similar. It is not a feeling of doom and gloom, either. I feel like I am waiting for something, but I don’t know what. It seems uncertain, as if there is a decision being made. When I am alone, my mind is blank except for continuing to hear OMD’s If You Leave, and more recently, Mumford & Sons, I Will Wait.

I continue to sense the shift in energy around me daily. Some days it is not as noticeable as others. Today the energy is heavy despite the bright blue sky dotted with puffy, cotton ball clouds. Occasionally the heavy feeling lets up and I can breathe only to have it come back and hit me and take my breath away again.

Is this shift in energy and weird feeling coming me? Is it the vibrational shift I keep reading about that comes with global ascension? Both?

I can’t help but keep feeling as if there is an in-depth discussion going on about me/with me on the Other Side. The decision? What to do now.

Discrepancy Plan

Some people believe that life is pre-planned in complete before we chose to come into a body. They like to call it “fate”. I have never been one to believe this. It makes no sense. There are too many factors that prevent a completely scripted life. For example, a little girl who chooses to come into the life of a specific couple as their child understands that, although the “script” of their life says there will be no divorce, there is still a chance it could happen and completely alter the path of that child. Life cannot be completely scripted.

When such an event occurs, the individual can choose alternatives. It is the discrepancy plan. Discrepancy is defined as “an event that departs from expectations”. And as I type this I understand that this is what is happening now, to me.

I am not sure what my expectations were before this life, but I sure know that I do not like this feeling. It is an upside down, mixed up feeling. There is still the emotional exhaustion I have been feeling for quite some time. It feels like I have no energy left. Apathy. There is still the desire to continue underneath it all. A wrestling for hope, as if I am struggling to make it to the surface of the water for a breath of air.

And the songs that come to me have me questioning what is going on. Their messages seem to indicate that the decision that is to be made has to do with my continuing in this life. The OMD song lyrics, “Seven years went under the bridge, Like time was standing still. Heaven knows what happens now. You’ve gotta, you’ve gotta say you will” were pointed out to me by a friend. I recognized instantly the correlation to my life. This is the seventh year of my marriage and I have been working on my family that whole time. The song seems to be asking me to make a decision, “Stay or go?”. And the part the echoed in my head the most, “If you leave don’t leave now” and “If you leave, I won’t cry” suggest either decision is okay.

The Mumford & Sons song began before bed last night and came again as I woke and makes me wonder, “Who is waiting for me?” and “Why?” Does this song mean that I can take all the time I need to decide or just that it is okay to stay because my loved ones on the Other Side will wait?

Summer Camp

My dreams also indicate that I am struggling now. Last night I dreamed I was attending summer camp. I woke up groggily, not wanting to get out of bed but doing so because I was suppose to. I lined up to pay for my food and couldn’t decide what I was going to eat so paid the $5, asking for a certain item with an “X” in it’s name. I was told to get it when in the line. It turned out to be an artificial sweetener.

I got into the breakfast line but seemed unable to complete small tasks without assistance. For example, I had to be told to grab a bowl, silverware, tray and cup and then lost my cup as I went through the line. I was not interested in the food being served, though I did get some of it. When I sat down, I picked at my food and watched as my friends jabbered and talked excitedly about the day. One was discussing how to raise money for someone who needed it. I sat listening but disinterested, thinking how the person talking about raising funds was doing so to look good to others. 

One of my friends got my attention as I sat there and said, “Hey are you okay?” I said, “Yeah, I just need something to drink” and got up to get some coffee. As I got the coffee, I could not tell the difference between the coffee and creamer and remembered at the last minute that I could put the sweetener in it. I do not remember drinking it.

The last thing I remember is that my friend said to me, “Are you sure you’re okay? I think something is wrong with you”.

Completed House

Another dream I had was set inside a house. I was observing a couple who had bought a house and renovated it. I saw there was a little girl as well. The house at first looked like a dilapidated shack but then was completely transformed. Its layout was similar to my current home with some improvements and I remember surveying the house in the dream and noticing the similarities. Oddly, I saw that the dining area had a tree in it with a baby swing. The ground rose up under the swing and was very nicely situated. I then noticed the curtains and blinds were very nice but there was a flower pattern on them that stood out to me, similar to the flowers from a previous dream I had recently.

Young Girl Crying

Finally, another odd occurrence as I lay dozing last night – I saw an image of a young woman crying. It was very vivid. She had short, red hair and seemed very familiar. I saw her tears first and knew the instant I saw the image that there was deep sorrow. I immediately wanted to know who she was, but got no answer. I sense that she had lost someone. 

I still don’t know if this image of the girl was Spirit trying to get through to me or if it was just a reflection of me. Perhaps it was both. I do know someone who fits the image I saw who did lose someone and could perhaps be feeling deep sorrow right now.

Funk

I do not like that I am posting negative things in my blog. I had hoped to skip those posts entirely. Yet I am feeling urged to do so. It is as if the negative posts complete the picture of who I am. The good and the bad go hand in hand. I am not perfect. I suffer like everyone else. This funk that I am in will not last. Everything changes. I know that the one thing I can rely on in this life is that nothing lasts forever.