Monthly Archives: December 2014

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REemergence

I am here again unable to sleep. I have in fact already been to sleep but for only an hour.

I feel asleep after receiving instructions to focus on my heart. I was also instructed to let my thoughts go, to “get out of my mind”, specifically. I heard also this message, “We are one” but I did not think anything of it. It felt to me to be an intention, a message to me to remember that my higher self is me and I am him. I heard many other things prior to falling asleep, but the message was clear that we were moving forward, though what that meant I was unsure.

Reemergence

What I am about to try to do my best to describe is not something I am sure can be described. If in fact there were any time that one would feel ready to explode in insanity from a Kundalini experience, now would be the time. My heart is buzzing and I am feeling unsettled within myself as I type this. What happened to me?

It began as a dream. Within the dream I was speaking to a man. He was in fact me, but not me. His hair was long, blonde and straight and all one length. His features angular but not overly so. He appeared as a warrior and his movement I was following as I heard discussion going on around me, within me, everywhere. It was whispered to me but my mind could not interpret what was said. It still cannot. I am really not even sure why I was allowed to remember that even occurred, yet I do.

The man I watched/was but was not was tall and thin and lithe. He reminded me one of the character elves on the Lord of the Rings except that this was in fact just a man, a real man. He wore similarly strange clothing as such a character would. Like I said, he appeared to be a warrior but a spiritual warrior, maybe even a shaman.

I intently watched as this man, who was also me but not, came out of inside of himself/myself and launched upward into the air and up. He felt to be a bird that was rising. I am tempted to say he was a Phoenix but again, this is only a word and no words can describe what occurred.

This process continued in this “dream” state for some time. I followed the man and watched us shift together, apart, together, apart. I felt no fear at this, I was just there, participating yet an observer at the same time.

Finally, I was aware again of being me sleeping in my bed. The warrior, as I will call him, approached. When he did it was as if I “awakened” to his presence. I watched/felt as he and I merged, became one, and then he again rose out from within me. When this shift occurred I was hit with an overwhelming knowingness that a monumental step had just happened. I felt to be of two, three, maybe more individuals. There was no energy rising through my chakras, no OBE, no “Spirit” entering or leaving….it was as if I were being made keenly aware that this other me, this blonde warrior, was rising and would sleep no more. I distinctly recognized him as myself yet I did not know him, maybe could not know him with my human mind.

I still struggle to comprehend what happened. It felt distinctly similar to a OBE except that I do not recall any out of body sensations or anything that could constitute separateness from my physical form. The closest explanation my mind can find is that I experienced some kind of inter-dimensional reality but even that does not feel exactly right. How can I be this man and not be him at the same time. How could I have felt what I did and not be insane from it?

I, in fact, had a moment of intense panic after waking. The panic is gone, replaced with a knowingness that this experience was/is part of the process that I am currently going through. I am left feeling very much different than when I went to sleep. Now I feel very linked to something ancient, something that pre-dates Earth and is beyond my ability to conceptualize. I feel very shamanic, native and yet also distinctly bird-like. I cannot help but think of my previous message to myself, “let the Eagle fly”.

I did not hesitate to write this as soon as I awoke. I knew if I didn’t I would not again sleep. I was told, “You will be told more as the sun rises”. I now anticipate a message upon waking.

Reemergence is defined as: 1.  the act or process of emerging. 2. Evolution. Emerging is defined as 1. to come forth into view, as from concealment or obscurity. 2. to rise up or come forth from. 4. to come into existence. I include these definitions because reemergence was the only word that felt close to acceptable as a description of what I experienced.

I wish, I wish, I knew how to explain it. I cannot. Whatever happened, it was Divine. I feel that a part of me has returned to me.

Edit: After returning to bed, I fell asleep and was awakened to intense buzzing in my head and pressure at the back of my skull. It was not painful. I could keenly sense the vibrations, especially in my third eye. It felt as if a light were pouring out of my third eye and I could see a tunnel forming in my mind’s eye. I recognized what was happening and instantly remembered that I had had this same feeling during the above experience but had somehow forgotten it! The waves of vibrations intensified and I became immediately very conscious. I heard, “surrender” from my guide but I could not for the excitement I felt. I recalled that when I felt to be two of myself that this exact intense vibration was being felt and I suddenly recognized that I was receiving the gift of “sight”. I knew if I allowed the vibrations to continue that I would “see beyond the veil”. Unfortunately, I was too fixated on what was happening for the experience to proceed further.

I experienced more vibrations in my head throughout the night. With each one I was instructed to, “surrender” and with each one I was again not able to ignore the intense sensations and visual phenomenon to ignore it, which stopped it from going any further. After the third such experience I told my guide/higher self, “I’m sorry but I am tired”. I purposefully put a stop to the tunnel of vision that was forming in my mind’s eye and rolled over to fall blissfully asleep.

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Let the Eagle Fly

My guide/Higher Self told me that most of the merging “work” we are doing together is to be done at night. So far, every night since the 12th I have in fact had some kind of energy sensation within my dreams. Additionally, I have very in-depth, issue resolving dreams. Last night was no different.

Dreams of Family

I slept very deeply last night and forgot most of my dreams. I remembered enough, however, to know that we had been discussing the subject of family, responsibility to family and enjoyment of life. The last dream I recall was sitting in the passenger seat of a small car with my husband behind the wheel. He was not paying attention and side-swiped another vehicle and then sped off without stopping to exchange insurance. When I questioned him about it he said, “Our insurance will take care of it. It was our fault anyway”. His concern level was near zero and that bothered me. How could he be so irresponsible? That was so unlike him.

Transcendence

I awoke from the dream upset and not wanting to continue on this “ascension”, “merging”, whatever-you-call-it, transformation any further. I felt such a loss for some reason and did not want to continue on in life either. I asked my guide/Higher Self, “Why can’t we just drop this body? I know once we do we will merge. It is much faster that way”. I got a feeling in return that I knew better. The point of this life is not ascension, it is the experience – the transcendence. Ahhh! It made me just want to scream because 1. It was not what I wanted to hear and 2. He was right and I knew it.

The point of this life is not ascension, it is the experience – the transcendence.

I actually was just given this statement as I typed this. It was/is a great surprise to me – always – the words and sentences that sometimes come out of me. I myself, would not use such a word. In fact, I am only familiar with it from my Osho Tarot deck which is called “the transcendental game of Zen”. I have also heard the word used along with meditation, as in transcendental meditation. But all this time I never really thought much about the word. I knew it meant to “rise above” or “go beyond” but the actual definition is: 1. a. exceeding usual limits; b. extending or lying beyond the limits of ordinary experience. 2. being beyond comprehension. 3.transcending the universe or material existence.

This is all news to me – or at least to the Earth me anyway. It gives me a better idea of why I am here, at least. It helps me to better understand why I was not led to the term “ascension” until just recently. Why, this entire time, I was left to figure out the process on my own, with the help of my guide/Higher Self and assistants (which are numerous). It is not the label or the word that is important – it is the experience of going beyond the usual that has been my path for so many lives. It is breaking the surface of the water, taking a huge breath and opening my eyes to whole new world.

Let the Eagle Fly

I fell back to sleep not long after and had another odd dream. In this one I was watching my baby move a walker with his toes almost like a bicycle. He was pushing on tiny pedals and I was instructing him. He fell over and I was unconcerned and just told him to be more careful.

I then sat down and remember thinking that I needed to feel pleasure in life again. I reached to my right shoulder and put my hand over another hand. It was as if I knew there was someone there. I felt the hand as solid as my own but it was gloved and I could feel the fibers of the mitten the covered it. I pulled on the hand as I sent the intent to my silent companion to help me feel pleasure. I then felt a disembodied face attached to a disembodied head above the hand I had been touching. I pulled the head forward and sought out the mouth, first running into the eyes and chin. I recognized the head was upside down and a part of me was curious as to why there was no body, but I seemed to know this was my own creation.

My goal here was to activate my lower chakras and achieve the feeling of passion and overwhelming bliss that I knew was possible. I remember then that my root chakra activated but as the energy moved upward the second chakra expanded outward in a burst of energy that soon dulled and went out. I remember feeling disappointed and understanding I still had work to do. I then began to write a note to myself as I tried again to activate the second chakra.

“I’m going to let the eagle fly” I wrote. Then I read it back to myself, “Let the eagle fly”. And this caused me to giggle a little bit.

I felt a surge in my second chakra again and I acknowledged my guide/Higher Self and his assistance. But again the energy did not move but extinguished and became a dull pain in my right side. This, too, stopped very quickly and with that I awoke.

2nd2nd Chakra

Since I was unsure what exactly the 2nd chakra is all about, I had to also search for information about it. I recognized that it coincided with relationships in life, and that made sense to me, especially since I had been dreaming about family all night. However, the 2nd chakra is the passion and pleasure center, so it is much more than just relationships.

According to chakra-anatomy.com:

The gift of this chakra is experiencing our lives through feelings and sensations. The second chakra is the centre of feeling, emotion, pleasure, sensuality, intimacy, and connection.

The energy of this chakra allows you to let go, to move, and to feel change and transformation occurring within your body. It allows you to experience this moment as it is, in its own fullness.

The main challenge for the second chakra is the conditioning of our society. We live in a society where feelings are not valued, where passion, and emotional reactions are being frowned upon. We are being taught not to “loose control”. And we get disconnected from our bodies, our feelings.

The element of this chakra is water. And as I type this, I recall that I had a dream about water last night. In the dream, I looked out over a shallow sea. There were rocks beneath that surface that were visible and the water was crystal clear and still. It reminded me of a surreal scene from the Arctic or some other northern region. I looked across it and beyond and when I did, I recognized that there was emotion there that was ready to be experienced. Yet I did not walk into it. I thought, “I am not ready yet”.

And I am left with questions about why I am so reluctant to feel again; to allow myself pleasure and enjoyment of life. Perhaps it is because with pleasure comes pain? Am I trying to avoid pain by numbing myself of all that life has to offer? This makes sense and it makes me sad. I honestly do not know how to handle this problem. No wonder I felt so defeated when I woke up this morning.

Letting Go

I recognize also that the second chakra is about letting go. Surprise, surprise! The message I get most often is to “let go”. Now I know why I seem to never be able to. There are issues to be cleared here and that is what I/we are doing now. As my guide/Higher Self said to me the other day, “There is no progress without process”.

Let the eagle fly. It can only mean to me that I must release myself, my inner Spirit, from whatever constraints I have created. Let myself soar. Free myself from myself. If only it were that simple.

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To the Moon

With all the excitement of my kundalini experience the other night (12/12/14) I almost forgot all about the OBE I had afterward. I specifically asked to astral. Never did I think I would astral to a place I actually intended to go!

To the Moon

I found myself in becoming more and more lucid from within a dream. I was alone in a room with very high ceilings. The walls were white and a huge screen took up the entire left side of the room. I was floating near the edge, looking over some railings at the room and taking it all in. I concluded that I must be in a theater.

I began to look closer at the screen to my left. In the center was the moon. It took up a large part of the screen and appeared to be 3 dimensional. I could see all of space spread out behind it – stars, galaxies, nebulae – all in vivid color. I was curious. Was it a picture or was it real?

I decided to fly out to it but became a bit concerned. Could I fly? Was this really a dream?

I floated up quickly and headed toward the screen. I then began falling quickly downward, so I grabbed onto the top edge. Then I realized I would not fall and that I was being silly. I let go and floated there right in front of the screen and the humungous moon. I touched the flat surface and the moon suddenly appeared more like a painting than a realistic picture.

At that moment I was certain I was OOB. With that, I felt energy build up within me. I felt like I was going to burst with excitement. I took one last look at the screen and then effortlessly flew into it.

I came out on the other side and found myself in the middle of space. In front of me was the moon, full and glorious. It was vividly white and bright and I could not help but want to fly toward her.

My awareness grew exponentially.  Maybe it was the amount of energy I was feeling or the fact that I had just experienced kundalini, but at that moment I felt powerful.

I felt my Higher Self call me back away from the scene and I immediately was sucked back into my body. I did not take much time to wake up. I obviously had done something wrong, or at least that is what it felt like.

Intention Set and Accomplished

It was not long ago that someone mentioned their OOB trip to the moon in one of the FB groups I am a member of. I recall thinking, “I want to go to the moon!” But I was worried I would freak out because outer space always feels so large and dominating to me. But I set the intention anyway. Why not?

I did not specifically set the intention to go to the moon that particular night, but the intention was set. That is how it works for me, anyway. I do not have to ask for something every night. I just ask once and then usually I eventually get it. I just wish I had actually gotten to the surface of the moon. Unfortunately, I did not specify what I wanted to do except to think, “I want to go to the moon”. And that is what I got.

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Ascension Symptom Update

For the second half of the day I have been feeling nudged to write an update on the symptoms I have been having since my most recent kundalini experience.

  • Vision fluctuations, specifically my left eye feels very obviously dominant over my right
  • Vision “shifts”; vision appears to freeze frame (this happens mostly at night)
  • Tingling and warmth in my feet
  • One clogged nostril, each night the opposite one will be clogged for no apparent reason at around the same time each night
  • Extremely high energy
  • Intermittent buzzing in heart chakra and third eye chakra
  • Interrupted sleep; when I wake up I feel rested and ready for the day even if I have only had a few hours of sleep
  • Change in breathing/breath; I breathe deeper and slower
  • Heart rhythm changes
  • Increased body temperature, especially in the morning
  • Profuse sweating, especially in the morning
  • Attraction to specific smells, ie. patchouli oil, frankincense, and cinnamon

In addition to these symptoms I was asked to examine certain aspects of my life:

  • Physical exercise – change type and frequency
  • Harmful toxins – reduce or eliminate completely
  • Relationships  – examine them using the heart rather than the mind
  • Compassion – develop more for self and others
  • Fear – question fear-based life patterns
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Balance is Key

“I won’t do this alone. We are partners in this”.

That is what my guide/Higher Self said to me early this morning.

I had just awakened from a dream in which I was sitting in a booth next to an elderly African American man. I recall him very clearly, both the way he looked and the way he felt. He had kind eyes. The kind of eyes with wrinkles etched deeply around them in an arc from years of smiling. He had patches of gray in his nappy hair and age spots dotted his face. He had a face that likened him to Morgan Freeman, though he was much older.

His energy was soft and calming, filled with love and a deep understanding of me that I cannot remember feeling in this life before. There was a timelessness about him, as if he were ancient beyond understanding and I felt very honored to be in his presence.

He reached over and gingerly took my hand in his. There were no words spoken yet I knew this man was asking me to come be with him. Recognizing this I agonized over the choice. I badly wanted to be with him yet my mind kept going back to my current husband. For some reason I felt that the choice required that I leave my husband behind and my loyalty to him was/is fierce. My family is very important to me and I felt overwhelmed by the choice I felt I was being asked to make.

We sat together like this for some time. I continued to battle from within while he sat with me, holding my hand and surrounding me with acceptance and love. It was obvious to me that I would choose him and the fear of losing all I have was overpowering. Each time I would panic he would send a wave of love toward me. I felt it rise up from my root chakra. It moved upward along the back of my spine. I felt it rise all the way up between my shoulder blades. It was tingly and nice but I resisted it, worried again about betraying my husband. At the same time I desperately wanted to let the energy find my heart and anticipated the amazing feeling that would accompany it. Yet I could not let it reach my heart, not yet.

I awoke to the energy spiraling up my spine. I was laying on my back and my guide/Higher Self was all around me. I knew instantly the elderly man in my dream had been him. I was overcome with emotion at this and there was finally an understanding of just how beautiful I am. An understanding the he was me and I was him and that he would be patient and loving through the process. He would not rush me and he would not force me into anything I did not want or was not ready for. And that is when he said, “I won’t do this alone. We are partners in this”. And I felt such relief at this statement because I worried that I had no choice; that I was merely along for the ride. It was now obvious to me that I had a say and that when I was reluctant, my Higher Self would hold my hand and gingerly take me through the process of clearing whatever it was that was holding me back.

In response my guide/Higher Self said, “Be kind to yourself” and I remembered the lesson I learned about my inner child. At the memory he asked me to consider the choices ahead. When I began to grow fearful he again reminded me to remember my inner child and to treat her with kindness, patience and love. When I did this I wanted to cry and there was approval felt from my Higher Self.

Wide Awake

It was 3:30am and I could not return to sleep. My mind was very awake and I felt rested and ready for the day. I contemplated just getting up and getting ready for the day but knew my body would tire much too quickly if I did. I asked my guide, “Help me to sleep” and he said, “Lay on your back” and so I did, but I do not really like sleeping on my back. He said, “Your heart is more open this way”. I accepted this. But my mind was full of thoughts and would not quiet. He then said to me, “Listen. Focus on your heart”. And so I did and the thoughts stopped and I felt the energy in my heart surge. This has been happening when I focus on my heart and listen.

I lay there for a while without thought and an odd thing became noticeable to me. At times I would be very aware of my heartbeat. Sometimes it would beat loudly in my ears, racing. Then, almost as soon as it would start, it would fade out and be quiet again. I did not feel it beating in my chest, I just heard it. I was instructed to not focus on it but I couldn’t help but hear it when the beating would intensify. Eventually, though, I must have fallen asleep despite the distraction.

Dreams

My dreams were nothing like the thoughts that had been keeping me awake. They continued the conversation I had been having with my guide/Higher Self. The most vivid one was of me returning to the same university campus I had been in in another recent dream. The university was very grande and ancient looking and I was late for class. Interestingly, I went onto campus in a wheelchair and was the teacher, not the student. I entered my classroom and there was a science lad underway. I knew my first period was off so I questioned the instructor who apologized for using my classroom without prior notice.

I left and headed for my History class. In this class I would be the student. I also knew where the class was held. This is in contrast to my last dream in which I felt lost and could not remember my schedule. I headed to the second floor and the room number 10.

I awoke again, the dream very vivid in my mind and my guide/Higher Self once again felt to be all around me. It was 5:00am and I knew I still had an hour before I needed to get up. Again I was not tired and thought about just getting up but my guide/Higher Self instructed me to stay and to again focus on my heart. I did, the buzzing energy in my heart intensified and information began to pour into me from my Higher Self.

PendulumRound Two

Through this communication I recognized that during this phase in my merging that I was working from the root chakra upward while in the first phase (the one that started in 2003) I had been working from the crown down. I saw this process occurring and being helped along by guides and assistants. This made sense to me as when I first became aware of my guides and spiritual gifts it seemed to come all at once and I seemed ill prepared to handle the responsibility of it. I spent most of my time very ungrounded. This was only intensified by my denial of my physical life and responsibilities.

Rather than view this merging process as something planned and enacted by some higher power than myself, I began to see it as a process being played out between the part of me who Forgets and the part who Remembers. The part who Remembers is the teacher and the part who Forgets is the pupil. As the teacher, the part of me who Remembers must adjust the lessons and the process based upon the response of the pupil. If the pupil cannot handle one method, then another one is employed. And another, and another, and so on and so forth until the pupil is responsive.

During round one, though I was responsive in the beginning, the process was overwhelming and I hadn’t gained enough life experience to handle it properly. It was then determined, by us both, that a delay was needed and a new method was employed for this second phase.

So here I am, slowly moving through this round and finding it much easier and less chaotic than the first. I recognize that it is because I have matured and gained in experience. Specifically, the experiences I have had of motherhood were/are necessary.  Without them I would not have the compassion for myself that is needed to progress. I also have the lessons learned from the previous round and the Ego has grown weaker as a result.

Balance is Key

I now understand just how important it is to remained balanced through this process. In the first phase I immersed myself in the spiritual and denied the physical to the point that I became very out of balance. A result was near insanity and complete misery as I fell into a deep depression. I remember the discussion I had with my guide/Higher Self at the time I was losing touch with physical reality. I saw in my mind a pendulum and recognized that I had only allowed it to swing to one side, the spiritual. I was told it was time to let the pendulum swing the other way. Eventually, I saw that the pendulum would swing both directions, maintaining a balance between both worlds. But first I had to live the other extreme which denied the spiritual. I did this for nearly five years.

Now I am being asked to reintegrate the spiritual and find balance. It comes with the same feeling of trepidation that came with the end of the last phase. This time, though, I feel more prepared. My view of my guide/Higher Self is shifting noticeably. Rather than feeling intimidated like a schoolgirl entering the principal’s office when he speaks to me, I feel honor and reverence in his presence. I am beginning to identify him as me.

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From OBE to Life

Today, after struggling horribly this morning with a most unsettling energy that made me shiver all over from the intensity of it, I followed the advice of my guide and left the house and the computer behind. While in my car the energy was hitting my head and my whole body was near convulsions as I tried to drive. I hit a stop light and had to calm myself as the thought hit me that I may pass out. I even began to sense the darkness entering my vision from the sides. I remembered to breathe and focus on my heart and by the time I reached my destination I was feeling better.

I spent the entire day out and about, most of it outside. I even took a walk with my husband and went to the playground with my children. As the day progressed I found myself noticing people that I normally would not notice. There was a man in the grocery store having a conversation on a cell phone. I couldn’t help but overhear what he was saying. He was from out of town and had no money, his debit card was broken and he could not reach his sister to get help. I passed him several times and wanted to stop and ask him, “How can I help?” There was an urge to do this but I resisted, thinking, “What if he is lying?” or “He will find help”. I did not end up talking to him and left the store without seeing him again. I now wish I had at least tried to help him.

Later, as I was stopped at a stop light, I saw a man with a sign asking for money. This is common where I live and I normally don’t take much notice. Yet for some reason I kept thinking, “I could give him some money” and wanted to. The more I looked at him, the more I tuned into his energy and felt compassion for him. I knew he was not normally one to ask for handouts.

The light changed and my chance was lost but the feeling of compassion remained.

On my way home I saw more homeless on the other corner. I felt bad for them as well and wondered about them. I even imagined yelling out to them from across the busy road but then decided against it for fear one would put themselves in harms way. Also, their energy was more muddled than the man I saw previously and I knew they would not appreciate my help.

homelessNudges

I did not have time to really contemplate much of anything all day, yet little tidbits of information did not wholly go unnoticed. I kept returning to my computer feeling I should write at least something of my experiences but the urge was never there. My mind was totally blank.

I decided to do some yoga and relax some and then again sat at the computer. I kept reading and re-reading the other post I wrote today as if I trying to not forget it. In the midst of reading over another one of my posts from earlier this year a thought hit me, a memory of a cognition I had earlier in the day. I thought, “I need to write about that”.

And here I am, writing and my mind is not clouded or muddled.

This morning after I got the message to leave (and I felt it urgently), I was preparing to leave the house. I felt hungry and instantly knew I needed to eat and felt led to the fridge to make myself a protein smoothie. I remember feeling consciously pushed in this direction and I did not resist.

This same nudging continued throughout the day. I called my husband out of the blue (nudge, nudge) and invited him for lunch. I told him I wanted to talk to him about what was going on with me. I remember thinking to myself, “I do?”

When we sat down, I had no idea what I wanted to say. We sat outside (which is out of character for me) and I listened to him, completely without any other thought than to hear what he had to say. When he finished I effortlessly told him what I wanted to tell him. It came out so well, without a glitch and I said something very out of character. My husband, of course, was pleased and I was speechless. When he asked me about it I told him, “I came here not knowing what I would say and then I just said all that”.

It was not that I didn’t want to say what I said. I did. What is odd here is that, normally, I have trouble hearing my husband as he talks about his work which is very boring to me. This time I was thinking of nothing but what he said. I had not one moment of anxiety caused by thinking ahead.

And I recognized that I spent the entire day –  in the moment!

Later, a thought hit me out of the blue and I nearly forgot about it except that it came back to me, as if I had put all this day’s events together somehow without consciously thinking about it.

I realized that these urges I have been receiving, I have gotten over and over again while OOB. Sometimes I go with the “suggestions” and other times I don’t. What has been occurring most recently in my OBEs is that when I do not follow the suggestions I pop back into my body. I lose that which I most want – to be OOB – because I do not listen.

And that is when it hit me: Perhaps that is what has been going on my entire life. I have not been listening and have missed that which I really wanted, to be happy and at peace, because I didn’t listen.

I know it seems small to those of you who consistently listen to your Higher Self, but to me this is HUGE. I am stubborn and I do not like to feel “controlled”. I have been getting messages for as long as I can remember from my guide to “listen”. I never really understood until today.

I listened (for the most part anyway) and my day was good. Pleasant. Positive. Balanced. I was more in the moment than I have ever been. My mind was not a mess of thoughts.

So there is a positive to all this kundalini and based just upon today I can’t wait to see what other positives come of it. And I hear my guide say to me, “Imagine that every day was like today and that is what you will have tenfold”.

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New Direction

Since my experience on the 12th I have been processing the changes that resulted. I cannot put into words what happened/is happening. It is just a process that has a definite end result. The in-between period, the time of reorganization, has begun. How long it will last, I do not know for sure, but I do know that it will last as long as it takes for me to come back into balance.

Too Many Thoughts

I find my thoughts being pulled in many different directions. I am struggling to find time to direct those thoughts and I want badly to do so because they are not going away. I feel drawn more than ever to put my thoughts into words but when I try to organize them in a presentable way, I cannot. For me, this is a conundrum. I am, by nature, very good at organizing my thoughts into easily understandable sentences and paragraphs that flow together in a easy-to-read fashion. This comes from years of schooling and essay writing. Yet I feel split into so many different directions, the ideas piling up on top of one another and threatening to overwhelm me.

I am near tears writing this because I cannot seem to get myself to focus on any one thing for very long. When I try I feel like my head is going to explode in frustration as I struggle to form my thoughts. What is happening to me!?

I see this as an energy adjustment from head to toe with each layer of my aura being affected. There is white light radiating downward and all kinds of colors intermingled, the most prominent of these colors is blue, lavender, pink, and fuchsia. I am not sure how kundalini usually works or if there is a “usual” way, but from what I am shown, my kundalini is coming into my center from both directions, above and below. I am told this disrupts more than just my energy. I guess my thoughts are being affected as well?

This in effect is the “rewiring” I have seen so often written about online and in channeled messages and such. I finally understand it. I am being told to be patient with myself and being reassured that the thoughts and ideas I am trying to get a handle on will not “disappear” but will be available to me at the time they are meant to be shared.

Symptoms

And so I give up on trying to control this as it is obvious I am to become a passenger in this car down the road to awakening. I am a horrible backseat driver (ask my poor husband) so this will be a challenge. However, if my Higher Self is anything like me, he/she will not be one to give in to my complaints and whining. Thankfully I have a feeling he/she is much more compassionate and understanding than I typically am.

I am being urged to present my symptoms to you all and since these thoughts are the ones that are easily accessible and clear in my mind, I will submit to them and the guidance of my Higher Self.

  • Headache the comes and goes
  • Lower back pain
  • Increased thirst
  • Increased hunger
  • Increased energy fluctuations
  • Sweating
  • Sporadic energy “bursts” from heart, third chakra and head
  • Sporadic “lightening” bolts of energy from bottom and top of body
  • Increased desire to lay on my stomach when sleeping
  • Inability to sleep with another person (going on for 2 years now)
  • High energy
  • Periods of deep, dreamless sleep
  • Increased instances of OBEs, visions and other phenomenon
  • Vision fluctuations
  • Increased perceptivity
  • Sensitivity to food, drugs, alcohol
  • Disorganized thoughts; confusion
  • Spontaneous instances of physical body detoxification which results in illness, digestive changes, metabolism fluctuations
  • Sudden mood swings

_74219715_changeNew Direction

And again the word “conundrum” comes into my mind. This word is not a usual one for me which brings me to suspect that part of the changes occurring is a rewiring of my brain. It means, “A confusing or difficult problem or situation”. And I had to look it up because, well, I am a mommy now not a college student. Anyway, it is so very perfect a word to describe my situation. It is confusing! But this is a confusion beyond anything I have ever experienced. If I weren’t sure this is the direct result of my spiritual awakening/ascension I would surely be considering seeking professional help!

And I remember I have been here before. Years ago during my first attempt at this transformation (the one I stopped), I recall feeling similarly and it causing me to be certain I was very much indeed going insane. I was so thoroughly convinced of this fact that I went to a psychiatrist who promptly diagnosed me as Bipolar II. Ha! I even took the nasty little anti-psychotic drug she prescribed. I only lasted four days on it because I knew it was NOT right and I was NOT crazy. In actuality, the drug was making me feel crazier! Anyway, I have been here before and I am being guided/told “the only way out is through”.

This new direction, this uncharted territory, is what I am afraid of. I can feel the fear in my third chakra as it rises in me at the very thought of allowing my Higher Self to take charge. I am being asked to step back. Me. The one who has been in control (or the illusion thereof) of this body, mind and life for 38 years! How dare he/she! Yet I am so not resistant, believe-it-or-not. I am ready for this. But I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid that I will go crazy. Afraid that I will get lost somewhere in the confusion of my thoughts and never find my way back.

This new direction is literally to give over access of my thoughts to my Higher Self. So far I am understanding this to mean that whenever I am faced with the feeling of confusion that rises in intensity whenever I focus on the many thoughts floating haphazardly through my mind, I am to immediately focus upon my heart and be still. When I do this, the confusion dissipates and there is calm. And when I do this a thought stream appears that is coherent and clearly separate.

As I try to process this I feel the fear rising and I suppress it, swallowing hard. I want to freak out and think, think, think it to death, but I can’t. It is like someone has put a tourniquet on my mind. The only thought that comes through is to focus on my heart, listen and trust. When I do that, my head and heart both buzz with energy. My head almost feels as if I will pass out the energy is so intense.

And I have an urge to get out. Out of the house and outside. Live life. Focus on life, even if it is boring and mundane. This is where I will find balance. And I need that right now.

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Easing the Symptoms of Ascension – Part 4

The final way to diminish the symptoms of ascension is to live through the heart, not the mind.

Living through the Heart

Ultimately, ascension, when complete, results in the individual living from their heart. But, in the interim, one must practice living through the heart in order to avoid living through the mind. The more one follows their heart, or how a situation or decision feels, the less overwhelming their ascension symptoms. Living through the heart may seem simple, but for most it is not. It involves listening to your Higher Self, which is not always easy, especially when in the midst of life’s chaotic rhythm.

Meditation

One can become more in tune with their heart via meditation. A simple meditation focused upon the heart center is all that is needed. There are many guided healing meditations to be found on the internet that focus upon the heart center. I suggest doing one of these daily but if you cannot then at least once a week. It only takes a few minutes and can make a load of difference.

If you are unsure which heart mediation to do, I suggest the Opening the Heart Guided Meditation at Mediation Oasis. They have a podcast free to download and I have used this meditation many times. It is 27 minutes long, so make sure you have at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted alone time.

Intuition

Messages from the Higher Self simply put are intuition. They are the gut feelings that tell you to think twice about a decision or situation. They are the feelings of dread that hit you for no reason. They are the feelings of love that pour through you for no reason. In a nutshell, these messages are intuitive, they are feelings.

Whenever you are making a decision that is difficult and you don’t know what to do, listen to your heart. Focus on how making the decision makes you feel. For example, if you are struggling to decide whether you should stay at your current job or leave it you can focus on how each decision makes your feel when you think about it. If leaving your current job gives you the same feeling as staying then it likely means wait. If one gives you a sinking feeling then that one is likely the one you should not do.

Living through the heart is not by any means easy, but it does get easier with practice. I will not say that I am an expert at it but I am getting better. What is great about ascension is that when it is over, living through the heart will be second nature.

Final Thoughts

You now know the ways you can effectively diminish your uncomfortable ascension symptoms:

1. Ground properly and consistently.
2. Avoid contact with overly emotional, negative or otherwise unbalanced individuals.
3. Live through the heart, not the mind.
If you make these three things a habit in your daily life, then you may be able to come through the ascension process feeling a little worn and a bit ragged, but none the worse for your travels. If you find that you are struggling despite doing these three things then I suggest you increase the time you spend doing these three things. It could be that you need a little bit more grounding, a little less contact with unfamiliar people and a little more focus upon your heart. Whatever happens, don’t cut yourself off completely from your loved ones and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Sometimes even the strong get weak and need a helping hand.

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Earth, Fire, Air and Water

I can’t sleep and feel I need to write this so here I go.

The 12/12 “activation” or portal or whatever it is called is real. At least for me, anyway.

There are no words to really describe what is happening to me as I type this. I am still not sure even what is happening but I know it is good. I also know that what my guide told me is true: I cannot stop it.

Earth, Fire, Air and Water

In my dream I was speaking with others, several others, at least four. I don’t recall the conversation now, but I remember some parts of it. 1. I was voicing my concern about not knowing how to handle an energy exchange that was going on, at least it feels like we were discussing energy. 2. The energy exchange had to do with the elements. 3. Others were helping and the message was that I needed to communicate with the elements of this energy.

What I recall most vividly is talking to an “element” who was very obviously masculine, yet at the same time I did not feel particularly feminine. I could see the communication in my mind, typed out. When I responded it was also typed out. This went on for some time within a “void”. It was as if I were floating in this void but I do not recall feeling as if I were floating. The words elude me now, but I do remember reaching out to this masculine energy and speaking to him about the elements. I believe, though I don’t remember exactly, that I was trying to blend “water” with “fire” but then “earth” was also discussed so I am at a loss as to which element exactly I was portraying and which one the masculine presence was portraying.

When it was decided that I would go through with whatever I was doing (energy work?) I felt myself very much to be laying down with my back to this masculine energy. I felt him/it (the energy) gingerly reach out to me and wrap around me from behind. It was like a hug, but nothing like any hug I have ever known. What is very important here is that this energy was patient, understanding and deeply connected to me. He was approaching me tentatively and with such care that I felt completely and utterly open and trusting towards him. I surrendered to him and the energy intensified, filling me to my core and exploding out my midsection.

I awoke in this energy very rigid, my body feeling contorted and stiff as the energy seemed to skewer me at an angle. It entered from below my root and shot up through my center. It did not hurt but it was odd and I could not get a grasp on my feelings. In fact, I had such odd feelings that I do not know how to describe them except to say that they were muted and confused. I felt I should cry, but I had no tears and no welling up of emotion. I felt I should cry out in ecstasy, but there was no ecstasy to be felt. My mind was awake but I could not think. It was like I was frozen.

My guide was near and he seemed to be the source of this odd calm or frozen emotional feeling I was having. The gentleness with which he handled me is beyond words. I tried to understand what was going on, but all he would say was, “You are changing”. I understood this to be true but I didn’t know why, or how.

I focused on the energy because it was still very much alive within me. It felt to me to be writhing and moving around in a zigzag or winding pattern. It moved upward and I held my breath anticipating it hitting my heart chakra, but it never did. My guide said, “It is fear”, but I felt no fear. How can you have fear but not feel it??

I then became very uncomfortably aware that I needed to pee. I also felt my upper back arching and I could not relax it. My head began to throb dully and I could feel my higher chakras shooting energy upward, but like all of the energy, it was gentle and no emotion came of it. I literally felt like my body was a channel of energy and I was just its confused, observing participant.

I eventually got up and the energy continued. After I used the restroom and satiated my thirst I became horribly hungry. I tried to return to sleep but had to eat. So I went down to eat.

Knowing

I checked the time and it was 12:50am. I had been awake for some time and suspected the beginning of this event occurred right after midnight. On 12/12. 12/12/14. I guess the message was true. But what of the veil that was to lift? I didn’t/don’t understand the message’s significance. Yet.

I attempted to sleep but so many questions flooded my mind (along with the energy that even now is lingering). My guide asked me to answer them from within and I suddenly knew the answers and the calm in the knowingness with them is beyond words.

I knew/was told my path, my purpose on Earth, was soon to be revealed to me. I knew it involved helping others who were both here and those that were not yet here. It is hard to put into words what I knew./know but it is as if my job is to be a channel between worlds, a conduit allowing consciousness to flow unhindered in both directions. If I could draw a picture it would be of me, my body, floating as if laying sideways on my side, with energy coursing through me. The energy has no exit and no entrance, it just is. Like a lightening bolt, it shoots through my center and pours out of me in all directions. I am immobilized and my body is not mine, it is a tool I use to do my work.

I am aware of much above, behind and all around me. It is consciousness and it is ever expansive. I feel those who are that consciousness, waiting. They are all one now, but will not remain that way. They are waiting. They are waiting. They are waiting. It keeps repeating and it makes me want to burst out in tears that are filled with every emotion imaginable.

And I still hear my guide say, “You are afraid”, and I understand. I am afraid but it is of something I do not quite understand yet. It is immense and I feel the burden of it, but I cannot express the feeling. It sits in my core and the energy fills it and explodes outward.

I don’t think there are words for what is happening. If there were, I for sure would know them.

And I hear my guide, my most beloved, patient, caring, nurturing and loving Higher Self, say, “Yes. It will continue” when I wonder if I will ever fall back to sleep. I know I will, but I have to write this first.

I thought of calling a friend who is likely fast asleep, hundreds of miles away with her family all around her. I do not want to burden her with….what? I do not even know. I call out to her with my soul and I feel connections to others I know but have never met. Some on FB some I have yet to meet. Who are they? I know them but I do not remember them.

Kundalini

It is irrevocable what is happening to me. There is nothing I can do but I am not resistant. I know the energy is best termed “kundalini” and I am now a believer that the serpent resides within me and is coiling, twisting and pushing its way upward to the light above. I am the light and the serpent is reaching toward me. I can feel the energy from above pushing downward as much as I feel the energy below coursing upward. When they meet there will be union and I am almost there. If I could just get past my fear.

My guide tells me, “You are clear”, but I wonder if I am only clear in one chakra as I can feel the blockage in the dullness of the energy shooting out of my second and third chakras. Thankfully it is not painful and I am pleased at that, though I know if I push too hard, rush what is happening, that I could be in agony. Not just a physical agony but a mental one as well.

It is true that this must progress slowly. That the process must not be altered but allowed to go on unhindered. But then again I cannot stop it now can I?

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Dead End

I had a discouraging vision this morning upon waking. I saw very clearly a Dead End sign close up, as if I were standing just a couple of feet away from it. Because of the vision, I struggled to find a happy mood, worried it meant that I was again coming to a standstill in my spiritual development. I decided to exercise and spend time with my children. Thankfully, this brightened my mood and now I am less worried about the vision.

According to dreammoods.com:

To dream that have reached a dead end indicates that you have come to an abrupt end in the pursuit of your goals. You must find another way to achieve your goals because the current path is not working out. Alternatively, the dream may be telling you that you are going nowhere. Perhaps, the dream is symbolic of a dead end job or a dead end relationship. You need to reevaluate your options.

I had asked a question that I wanted an answer to a couple of nights ago and the more I think about the vision of the dead end sign, the more I think that it is the answer to my question. I will know sooner or later if I am right about that. I hope I am right and that the alternative is not where the dead end is.

foalsTwin Foals

My sleep since last Sunday has been very deep and almost dreamless. I have lots of energy when I go to bed again, yet I am able to fall asleep without incident. Then I sleep almost exactly 8 hours and wake up fully refreshed and unable to return to sleep. I have been a bit disappointed in the mornings because it is the return to sleep that often sends me OOB.

Last night’s dreams were lost to me until just about an hour ago when suddenly a couple came back to me. The first was a dream about my cousin and her horse. In reality, my cousin’s horse died on my birthday this year. He was very old, so it was not unexpected. He was white and his name was Tzar. But in the dream my cousin had died and a new person was moving into her home. I must have been near lucid because I kept questioning my dream characters, telling them my cousin did not die, her horse did, and correcting them. It bothered me to see a stranger moving into my cousin’s home.

Eventually I went to the barn and saw that my cousin’s horse was still alive. This also bothered me and I remember thinking, “Wait, Tzar is dead, not my cousin”. Yet there was the horse standing there looking perfectly alive. Then I saw he had two twin foals with him. They were newborn and running about. I remember questioning this as well because Tzar is male and could not have babies!

To see a foal in one’s dream indicates a new task is at hand and with it comes new energy. The foals had tons of energy and since there were two of them it could mean that I will have double the energy in this new undertaking. The energy part makes sense because I have definitely had more energy than usual.

One Breast

The other dream that came back to me was very odd. In the dream I was at my mother’s house and taking a bath. I don’t remember all the specifics of the dream, but I was undressing and about to climb into the tub when I looked down at my naked body and saw one breast in the center of my chest. I remember thinking it odd and that it looked like an eyeball to me, kinda like a cyclops except with one boob instead of one eye. lol I did not laugh in the dream, though. Instead, I questioned it and remember speaking to someone about it, a woman. I recall remembering that I had a surgery to remove one breast. I don’t know why I had the surgery, though. It seemed like I chose to remove the breast, not that I was ill with breast cancer or anything.

After discussing the surgery, I turned and looked in the mirror and saw first a visual of myself naked with both breasts. Then the visual shifted and there I was with only one. Except this time the one breast was on the left side where it should have been and there was smooth skin on the right. I remember liking the smooth side and a part of me went back to my youth when I had no breasts and wished to be that way again.

Symbolically, I guess it is normal to dream of only having one breast because dreammoods.com says that to dream of one breasts indicates feelings of being undesirable. I do not feel this describes me at all, though, so I wonder if perhaps it has more to do with my heart chakra than my breasts especially since I saw the one breast in the center where the heart chakra would be. I did like the idea of not having breasts, but I have always felt that way. Perhaps I have an issue with being a woman? I can relate to that!

Weird Week

So far this week has been weird for me. Not only has my mood been all over the place but my time at work has been super busy and productive. I have felt more in tune with the people I work with and as a result have helped in my role as counselor more than in previous weeks. Not only that but my help was sought out rather than my seeking people to help. At the end of both of my days at work this week I have been proud of my accomplishments with a positive outlook about the future. This is not abnormal but this much of it in one week is not common for me.

At the end of the days I do not work I also feel I have accomplished quite a bit and the day feels full and complete. Today even, I feel I have accomplished a lot, even though the day has not be much different than any other.

I have been thinking about tomorrow. It is the date I heard in a recent OBE where my guide told me, “The veil will be lifted”. I have concluded that it is likely that the date has no significance other than it being revealed in my OBE. Perhaps something will happen, perhaps not. My worry about the “dead end” message in my vision is that it concerns the 12/12/14 date and that my current path to spiritual enlightenment is inadequate and I must take a new route. Yet perhaps there is no need to worry? Perhaps the dead end is a good sign – a sign telling me “Not this way” so that I know there is  another way and it will be revealed to me soon.