Monthly Archives: August 2015

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Dichotomy

Lots of change happening. First off, on the first day school resumed after summer break my morning started off with news that my sister-in-law had gone into labor five weeks early. I knew that meant I would likely have to leave work early and I did. Then I had to change my schedule because they kept mom and baby in the hospital for observation. I guess they do that when baby is really early. So today was my first full day back at work. Thank goodness I can change my schedule!

The day was busy, but not hectic. I had sent out a form in Google Docs, the first ever and I really like it! Anyway, I had four referrals and so had to follow up on each of them. In addition I had some other things to do and so the day filled up fast.

What is memorable about this day, though, is the last minute referral of a student who had been crying nonstop since Monday. When I went to see him I knew he was struggling and when he saw me his eyes immediately filled with tears. We went for a walk and chatted and I listened and felt such overwhelming love for him and his predicament. I understood him and I wanted to make him better yet at the same time I was somewhat detached and calm. In a way, I think this detachment helped me help him better because by the end of my time with him he was calm and I could tell a heavy burden had been lifted from him. I gave him hope and in that I think was the biggest gift I could have given him.

I didn’t realize this, of course, until I was on my way home over an hour later. It suddenly hit me then all at once and my heart overflowed for him. His mother had written me and told me thank you – that he was so much better for talking to me – but that wasn’t it. I understood him because I had been him so many, many years ago in my youth when I was nearly his same age. How horrible to have all that one believes to be solid and true in their life snatched away and smashed to bits. That is what his world is now and what mine had been so many years before. I had no one and was not nearly as receptive as he.

And I know he will be alright and I think that is the best feeling ever.

78

All this happened before I thought about the significance of a number I received in my dreams last night. I was discussing the years 1978-1979 for some reason. I remember recognizing that I had already been born and speaking the year 1978 as if I were trying to figure out what was going on. The number returned after today’s events and so I looked it up.

The number says that one has reached a balance between the spiritual and the mundane and with this comes an inner peace and joy as well as material abundance.

When I read the meaning of this number I knew that my experiences today were significant. For the first time in a very long time I felt true heart emotional connection to my work. The overflow I felt has not been felt by me since around the time of my daughter’s birth. I have been blocked to my work and my connection with those I worked with since then. Yet today I felt it again. It spilled out of me and was not sorrow but a mixture of emotions that are indescribable and beautiful. I felt a true connection and purpose that I had all but given up on.

All I can say is that sometimes I feel that a part of me never gives up on me yet at the same time another part of me wishes only to destroy my only chance at happiness. How strange to be so dichotomous. I wonder how I have made it this far at all.

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Dream: Lucid Kiss

After waking up in tears at 6am I tossed and turned for a while as I tried to return to sleep. I eventually ended up in a lucid dream.

Lucid Kiss

I was walking in a dark tunnel with a group of people when I suddenly realized I was dreaming. I looked at a young man in front of me and got the idea that I wanted to move into him (merge). Quickly, I rushed into him but felt a tremendous pressure that sucked me back into my “body”. I felt literally pushed away. The force of the push surprised me as did the strange energy sensations. This brought about even more lucidity.

I saw a blonde man standing to my left. He was looking at me strangely and I thought I recognized him. He was quite bright compared to the darkness of the tunnel and the muted tones of the others with us. This brightness focused my attention even more on him. Who was he?

My lucidity increased slightly and the man looked at me, his blue eyes intensely piercing. He seemed young, probably mid-twenties, and was quite tall, at least a hands width taller than me. He walked up to me and said, “It’s about time we got this over with”.

Not completely sure what he was talking about but happy regardless, I followed him eagerly. From this point it appeared that I was leading him and that he was the unsure one.

I located a closet and opened the door wide. He stopped just inside the door and looked down at me, his face showing his uncertainty and maybe a bit of nervousness. I recall the room was bright and the door a very solid shade of brown. Were we in an office building somewhere? I didn’t know.

I went up to him and pulled his face toward mine and kissed him gently on the lips. I recall feeling a bit awkward because he became stiff as if he were unsure if he wanted to be kissing me. I kept hoping I would feel something from the interaction but all I noticed was that his lips were quite cold. I said to him, “Your lips are ice cold”. He said, “Really? I don’t think so”.

He eased up a bit then and I attempted one last kiss just to see if maybe I was wrong. This time I felt his lips soften and they were quite warm and inviting. It was a nice kiss and I lingered there still hoping I would feel something. Unfortunately, I felt nothing, not a thing.

My awareness peaked all at once in the moment of the last kiss. I awoke still feeling as if I were kissing him. Once fully awake I recognized the interaction as a lesson. I was the cold one, closing my heart to those I loved and distancing myself from others. How could I expect to feel anything if I shut myself down?

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Dream: Crumbling Church

For the third time in a week I woke up crying.

Dream: Crumbling Church

Most of the dream occurred in a huge church with ceilings that towered high overhead. I was with my family at some kind of reunion but it was not the normal reunion. I was with family that spanned generations and I don’t know if we were related by blood, though I knew many of them as my family members from this lifetime.

Everyone was gathering in the center and preparing for a show. Different groups were singing together and my mom was directing. I was eager to perform with my family but as our group stepped forward she told me and my older sister we could not be in the group because our hair wasn’t blonde anymore. This hurt my feelings substantially. I heard someone say to me, “I wish she would look at me like she does you”. I thought this odd since she was denying me my part, yet I somehow understood that many looked up to her as I looked up to her. All I wanted was for her to acknowledge me.

I watched my family perform one after the other, mostly singing hymnals. I saw members of the church we use to attend when I was a child along with members of my family who had long been dead. I listened as they sang and felt sad that I was not a part of it.

Finally, my immediate family group went up and I somehow got to go. I kept quiet, though, because my mom was irritated at me. My sister was suppose to sing but forgot the words. I remembered them and sometimes sang them to remind her. What is odd is that the songs were no hymnals but songs from the present day radio. I was proud that I remembered the words.

When we finished I helped a little girl who was lost and crying in the church. I contacted her mom and then saw another girl who was lost and helped her. Someone, a man, asked me why I was doing it and I remember saying, “She needed my help”. I felt very proud to have helped her.

I then looked up and saw that the a/c vents high up in the church were falling apart. They had large pieces of wood nailed to them and looked in need of repair. I somehow new a new church was being built because the current one had been neglected to the point that it made no sense to repair it. I thought of it crumbled down to dust and it made me sad. I was still standing beside the little girl I helped when the tears came.

Interpretation and Message

I awoke in tears with the song Pompeii by Bastille was going through my head but only the words, “And the walls kept tumbling down”. I could feel my third chakra pulling and my heart buzzing slightly. I knew there was a message and was able to perceive my guide’s message which was not much more than a whisper.

“Your are restructuring. You will be okay”. With that another song popped into my head, one that I awoke with yesterday morning, Safe and Sound.

With two songs and the message from my guide, I understood. The world as I have always known it is crumbling down all around me as the illusions are burned away. I am fearful of what, if anything, will remain, yet I am unable to stop the process. Bit by bit pieces of who I thought I was are disintegrating.

In this particular dream I saw firsthand just how much I looked to my mother for her approval. I recognized this to be true for all children as they grew up and that the process I am going through now is similar to the process of a child growing up. When they leave home and go out on their own they have to start making their own decisions. Their world often crumbles down around them as they try and figure out what parts of them are real and what parts of them are their parents’. Slowly they begin to take off the parts that are not true to them. Like clothing it is stripped away.

As more and more of this illusion is stripped away the more naked I will become. The walls will crumble down and leave only the real me. I wonder what she will be like?

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Life is Too Short to be Serious

When I was little one of my fondest memories was of suppertime. Why? My dad would often come home late, right in the middle of us eating. When he walked in the door he typically let out a huge belch and/or a fart and would laugh heartily when my mother scowled at him and all three of us, his daughters, would burst into giggles.

Now not every suppertime was like this, but it is one of my most cherished memories of him. He could belch out a belch better than anyone I know and me and my little sister would, of course, try to emulate him. We got really good, too. lol We had belching contests and farting was, of course, something that brought loads of laughter.

Why this somewhat gross walk down memory lane? Well, you’ll see.

Visits in the Night

I once again awoke crying this morning. This time it was from a dream in which I had been discussing all the visits from deceased loved ones and acquaintances I have been having recently. In the dream I was talking to someone about my husband’s boss who died back in 2013. I remember saying, “People visit my dreams all the time. In fact, he did just recently. I think he died at the age of 54“. The age was wrong, though, and I knew it, but I didn’t know what was wrong about it.

For some reason I began to get very emotional at this time. I do not remember the voice of the person I was having the discussion with, but it was as if they were telling me something or asking me something. The last thing I remember is crying and saying, “They (as in the deceased) are lucky”. I was/am jealous of them for being able to leave this place and go Home.

I ended up in the in-between for some time talking/dreaming. I was brought out of my reverie at least five times hearing this sound.

The first time I heard it I just ignored it even though it caused me to jump. The second time it annoyed me and I ignored it still. The third time I finally recognized it as a fart and thought, “Was that a fart?” Yet I was still perturbed about it. The fourth time I heard it I knew it was a fart and someone was playing a prank on me. “Not funny”, I thought. The fifth time I heard it I said, “Okay, enough. I get it. Ha Ha. Now stop!” But in my mind came the memory of the fun times and laughs I have had throughout life from such a sound. The fun times I still have on occasion at the expense of my husband who thinks it is “rude”.

Life is Too Short to be Serious

Finally, I asked who it was that was trying to get my attention. I did not receive an answer and thought it must be my dad. But that didn’t feel right. I hadn’t heard from him in about a decade. The last dream I had was about my husband’s boss. This felt right. The message was from him.

I sent out a mental query, “What do you want?” But got no response. It felt like there was a mental block preventing communication. I asked my guide, “Why can’t I hear him?” He said, “Because you aren’t listening”.

Then my guide said, “Why not have fun, enjoy life. Life is too short to be serious.”

I understood and said, “I want to but can’t. It just isn’t there anymore.” I felt the emptiness and it made me sad.

The last time I was enjoying life was when I had that bliss experience, the one that started in May and went through the first week of June. Then it just went away. I told my guide, “I had it and then you took it away”. The response was a feeling – I still had it. I disagreed.

I tossed and turned trying to go back to sleep. I didn’t want to wake up. During this time I felt a communication from my guide/Companion. I asked to have back that bliss experience. The response was more a feeling than words but the words were there: You will not expect it. Or more simply – “Expect the unexpected. You are preparing”.

My response, “I am always preparing. 8 months. I don’t think I can last that long”.

Then specifically I heard, “You will not expect it”.

Cryptic messages such as these are more than norm than not and I have no patience for them. I just sighed and rolled over. My husband then came in and told me, “I bought you a Starbuck’s coffee and some breakfast tacos. Come down and get ’em before they get cold”. That got me out of bed. 🙂

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Dream: Talking Fish

My sleep continues to be deep with dreams throughout. I lose most of the dreams upon waking, even if I spend a moment going over the details before returning to sleep. When I wake I feel heavy with sleep and it is difficult to push myself out of bed in the morning. Part of me loves it but another part misses my lucid dreams and astral travels.

Dream: Talking Fish

I only now recall one dream from last night and it was likely because it was so odd. In the dream I was wading in a crystal clear pond. In the middle was some kind of statue but I don’t recall it now. There was an Asian feel to the scene and though I could see well everything was in silver grays and varying hues of white and light blue.

I was fishing with my hands alongside others, how many I don’t know. I could see large, silvery-white fish through the water and was talking with someone about catching one for dinner. I reached into the water for one and, to my surprise, caught it. I exclaimed, “I caught one!” and held it up to look at it. It was large and reminded me of an Angel fish. It squirmed in my hands and I clenched at it as it flung itself up and over the white wall that contained the pond I was standing in. I looked at my hands and part of the fish’s body and fin was still in my hand. Worried, I walked over to the wall and looked over just in time to see the fish fall into the ocean. I said, “It will die now” because it had lost part of it’s body. Also, I thought it was not a salt water fish, but something told me the water was the same as the pond he came from.

I turned to look for another fish and the fish that had gone over the wall flopped up and back into my hands. Holding it, I looked at it and it looked at me, its eyes resembling that of a human. Then it began to talk to me, asking me questions. I don’t remember them all now, but I do recall it asking me, “What are you going to do with me?”

Hearing the fish talk must have triggered something in my conscious mind because it pulled me out of the dream and to instant wakefulness.

Interpretation

I suspect this dream arose from my concerns prior to sleep but could potentially be a mixture of things. I had been thinking of business matters prior to bed and when I woke each time last night, that was what was on my mind. However, fish represent the subconscious mind in dreams. A white fish, as this one mostly was, indicates one’s spiritual beliefs. Fishing in a dream means to bring repressed emotions to the surface. To me, it appears that I am feeling unable to keep a hold of something from my subconscious mind, I keep losing it, yet at the same time I am looking (fishing) for it. The fact that the fish comes back and asks me the questions indicates that I may not know how to handle what is coming out of my subconscious at this time.

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Separation

I had many vivid dreams last night, the last of which was emotional. I awoke feeling an unexplained loss. Crying softly in my pillow I wondered, “Why am I crying? Why do I feel like this?”

From this point commenced a short conversation between me and my Higher Self/Companion/Guide.

He asked me, “How are you suppose to feel?”

I thought on this a while and the answer came through a series of pictures and words. They flooded my mind and brought understanding and solemnity.

First came the pictures. They are vague now and all I recall are vivid images of a vast darkness speckled with white dots that appeared to be stars, easily assumed to be the universe. From there came a sensation of being cut off from this suddenly and abruptly. As if a wall came down and wiped out all connection, all memory, all understanding. The vastness that I was part of, that was me, was suddenly nothing; empty and alone.

With these pictures came a thought question, “Imagine how you would feel to suddenly lose yourself. How would you feel if you were taken from everything you knew and left alone without the connection to Source that you once had?”

And in that moment I understood why I was crying, why I felt like this.

He then said to me, “You are suppose to feel this way. This is intentional, for how could you ever know what you have lost if you never lost it?”

And I thought to myself and to him, “I am suppose to feel this way”.

And I understood. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way I feel. The experience causes it to be so for it allows me to view things from a different vantage point, one in which I am separate.

He asked me, “What does the separateness create?

And I replied, “Me”.

It was for me like the feeling one gets as a small child when they suddenly find themselves separated from their parent in the grocery store. There is a sudden recognition, “I am alone” along with an intense nervousness and panic. Instantly, the child seeks out their parent except that this time I never find my parent because the instant I lose sight of him/her I forget he/she exists. Instead, I wander around the store aimlessly looking for something I cannot describe, inundated by a feeling of utterly impenetrable aloneness.

I saw the Ego was the creation of this separateness. For some reason I began to think of competition. I thought of how the Ego wants recognition, attention – to be special. I thought about how we have competitions on the Other Side (somehow I knew this) and I asked my guide, “Do we just let each other win?” and with his answer I also answered, “No. We do our best and do not always win”. Yet I knew that on the Other Side the connectivity we have with one another made the sport fun no matter whether you were the “winner” or the “loser”.  Without that connection here on earth the result is jealousy, anger, hatred, resentment and a myriad of other emotions followed sometimes by actions of revenge but always with a sense of loss and misunderstanding at our very core.

This is how it is suppose to be.

I feel very solemn still as I write this. How can I be okay with being separate? How can I just be what I am when I am and trust the spark that remains in my heart, the one remnant of who I am that remains intact?

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NASA Has Been Reached

I was planning to take Benadryl last night to help me feel rested but instead felt I should not take my normal B-Complex prior to bed. It worked like a charm! I feel rested and pleasant this morning and I only woke up twice in the night. I am guessing the B-Complex was making my brain too active.

Dream: Whirlpools

I discovered my husband had begun dating a friend of ours after we had a fight. I protested and told him that I had not meant that we should quit our marriage. He decided to return to keep working on fixing our marriage and I was happy with this.

We ended up at a gathering of our church friends. They were all standing in line for some reason and I had a talk with a coworker there who was leaving her job to go to Bigfoot (city name). I told her to take a long vacation and she said she couldn’t because she had a child with special needs. I wondered where Bigfoot was. I’d never heard of such a city. I was pulled South in my mind but doubted it. Turns out it is in Texas!

I wandered into another area where there was a large pool. A friend was in the water with her newborn baby (she is currently pregnant and due in September). She saw me and handed the baby to me, “Here, hold him”, she said. I didn’t want to, though.

I ended up in the pool and the dream shifted dramatically. The pool was very shallow and the bottom was a 3D version of the earth. It covered the entire pool and the vivid greens of the continents moved as the earth rotated. I saw small whirlpools all over the place and happily played in them, the water coming up only to my hips. The whirlpools were all very small and would form and then disappear only to form somewhere else.

I then got pulled toward a very large whirlpool. I heard someone informing me of such occurrences when this happened. I was pulled down quickly. I briefly thought I would go completely under but never did. Instead, I was propelled across the world to another large whirlpool which then flung me again to another and then another. It went so fast I could not see and felt disoriented.

I was then given a survey of what I had experienced. I was not alone, my husband was with me and our responses were being compared. His experiences sometimes matched mine and other times did not.

Whoever was instructing me stopped the process and all was still. I again saw the realistic earth and the swirling whirlpools that covered its surface. It no longer appeared to be water but more like a fluid substance resembling water in which energy currents flowed. I understood the whirlpools to be vortexes. I was reminded of the grid system of energy that covers the earth and knew it had been disrupted. These vortexes were the result of the shift. I was also reminded of the sun and her solar flares. The two were related.

NASA Has Been Reached

I awoke from this realization hearing, “NASA has been reached”. My crown was buzzing and I felt strangely peaceful. There were messages coming in quite quickly but I only remember some of it. I was told my emotional up’s and down’s were a direct result of the vortexes of energy I had just learned about. I was also told, “Your mind is restructuring”.

I wanted to know more about the vortexes. What were they? What caused them? Why were they affecting me when in the past they seemed not to?

The only answer I am now able to remember is that the recent solar flare/sunspot activity has something to do with the amount and intensity of the vortexes, as does the shifting of the poles. The reason I had not been so affected by them in the past was because I was not undergoing the total restructuring process that I am now. The combination of the two creates breaks in the circuitry of the brain at higher rates than would normally occur.

I wondered about the message, “NASA has been reached”. I briefly wondered if I misunderstood. Maybe it was, “NASA has been breached?” I felt it was not correct, though. It makes no sense to me why I received this message. What does NASA have to do with the energy vortexes I saw? Did the solar flares reach the space station? I could not find any evidence of it except an article about the space station losing power on Tuesday.

I was also told, “You are not alone” and understood this to mean in my experiences of late. These same circumstances are also wreaking havoc on others going through the restructuring process.

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Physical Manifestations of Integration

I am having some physical manifestations of the integration process. I was about to call them “symptoms” but that word didn’t feel right. These are not symptoms as much as they are the results of the shifting of the cellular structure of the physical vessel.

In the last week I have had a resurgence of manifestation phenomena. This is what I have noted thus far:

  • Major skin changes to include: eczema, rashes/allergic reactions, and acne issues
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Odd dreams
  • Disconnect from guides/Team
  • Hot flashes
  • Emotional roller coaster
  • Lack of motivation
  • Lower back ache
  • Upper back tension
  • Extremely clear vision
  • Loss of appetite
  • Craving raw vegetables
  • Avoidance of social situations
  • Irritability
  • Feeling I have not slept despite 9+ hours of sleep
  • Congestion (have had this going on 3 weeks as have other family members)
  • Decrease in buzzing sensations in third eye and crown, though third eye will occasionally buzz

The most annoying of these is the sleep disturbances and skin issues. I do not feel rested in the morning and am now considering taking Benadryl again to try and correct this. The skin changes have come on suddenly and out of the blue. The eczema came first, followed by a nasty acne breakout. I visited the dermatologist who once again blamed it on stress. Then yesterday I got hives on my upper thighs and rear from an allergic reaction of some sort. It is still bothering me today and feels hot and stingy. Makes it difficult to sit! lol

The Connection is Not Lost

Despite feeling disconnected from my guides/Team, I was able to establish communication with my Companion briefly last night. It was only via my heart chakra that I was able to do this and the communication was more feeling than mental.

I recognized that I needed to do my part and had been slipping up. I was told I am being observed, which kind of made me feel like I am in the midst of a “test”. However, I felt the observations were crucial to the process to make sure that I was properly prepared for what was to come next. I kept thinking of the idiom, “Slow and steady wins the race”.

Be patient. Have persistence. Tune into the heart. Tune out the mind. Listen.

I once again tuned into my heart space this morning upon waking. I did this because I am so tired of waking up in a bad mood and I was reminded that I choose how I feel. I saw the mind chatter of the Ego instantly. It said, “I don’t want to wake up. I hate my life. Take me Home.” These thoughts set up my entire day and I was not having it! Tuning into my heart shut them down quickly and I felt instantly a shift in perspective. It was like I pulled out the hidden me and shifted her to the forefront.

I have been calm and pleasant ever since. I see clearly that I have been duped by the Ego once again.

I so easily forget the destruction the Ego can bring with her selfish demands, instant gratification and avoidance techniques. She makes me Forget and that is perhaps her worst trait.

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Feel I’ve Been Duped

I feel I’ve been duped. Either that or I completely misunderstood the spiritual changes I was going through.

It is probably the latter. I tend to be quite dense overall with this transformation stuff.

Dreams and Interrupted Sleep

I awoke feeling this way. That is how I’ve been feeling upon waking for some time now. This morning at 4:30am I was wide awake to the point that I didn’t think I would return to sleep. My mind was unsettled and I had a feeling of resistance that was quite strong.

My dreams were many and now I only have tidbits left of them. In one I was buying a very large cantaloupe and stated, “It’s for my husband. I hate cantaloupes” (I do hate them). In another I was being left at the beach by my ex-husband who decided he was going to go jet skiing. I remember hating him and feeling abandoned. Finally, in another I was being forced to take a mentally unstable and retarded teenager to the mental hospital. Then the man stole my car despite my trying to disable it.

I also recall a conversation about me being 26 years old. I almost became lucid in that dream because I remember thinking, “I’m not that young” and thinking about different ages to see if they felt right. This particular dream woke me up. I immediately remembered the age of 26 was when I had my first spiritual awakening. I did the math and sighed. It had been a very long time since then and I seem to not have made much progress.

Surrender

I somehow fell back to sleep and woke a couple of hours later. During that time I had more calming dreams. In one memorable one I was in the mountains and kept trying to take pictures of them. I ran into a group of mountain bikers and their air pump had gotten stolen. Then I was in a cabin on the mountainside. It had large windows to take in the view and a woman, a professor, was showing me invitations she had hand-made herself. She was about to leave her position for one higher up and I congratulated her. I remember thinking I had already graduated and was not her student anymore. Then I stared out the windows at the mountains and told her, “I’m not staying very long”.

Then I was reading a hand written list aloud to someone. As I went down the list, the words began to echo in my mind and I stopped because I recognized one: walk-in. I wondered, “Why was that word on there?” and then I wanted to remember the other ones and couldn’t. This woke me up.

I awoke to the Proclaimer’s 500 Miles song chorus in my head. I was not amused and did not want to hear what my Companion had to say. When I searched for the lyrics this morning, I stumbled upon an alternate version first and in the midst of the lyrics were the words “Surrender. Surrender”.

Probably a message but I’m not finding it helpful.

Gut Feeling

My connection to my Companion and Team is almost imperceptible right now. I feel abandoned by them again and angry to be left alone in a world I have no interest in. My gut feeling is that this is how it is going to be for a while. I feel stranded in a foreign country. I don’t know the language or the customs and have no interest in adapting to fit in.

Ever since I was a child I have felt this way. I don’t belong here. This isn’t my Home. Something is wrong with everyone else. Or maybe something is wrong with me? I thought I had finally found my family when I met my Companion. You can imagine the relief I felt. “Finally! Finally I am not alone! Finally I have an answer to why I am like I am!”.

But when I can’t find him, when it feels like he has abandoned me, all the feelings I have felt since childhood resurface. I begin to flounder. Life is so empty and lacking without the connection.

I am told it is always there, but I can’t find it. Even sleep doesn’t bring it. I was disconnected for the entire time I was starting my family. I don’t know how I managed to not die inside during that time – or maybe I did, little by little. If I have to do that again I think it will destroy me.

Please, please don’t do that to me again.

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8 Months and I Give Up

My sleep has been interrupted by strange dreams and odd messages. I have been in my stubborn I-don’t-wanna-hear-it stage, so I try and push the dreams out of my mind as soon as I wake. And I wake up a lot!

Lung Dissection

The night before last I awoke from a real vivid dream where I watched myself on the operating table. My chest was opened up to reveal my lungs. Then my lungs were sliced in half and neatly laid side by side to reveal the insides.

What is the most vivid about this dream is the inspection of the inside. I was being shown these tiny, sparkling green orbs. They were all over the inside of my lungs. They looked like little circular emeralds and were no bigger than the tip of my pinky finger in size.

I woke up immediately from the dream thinking something was horribly wrong. I was immediately calmed and then fell back to sleep.

Signing the Bill

Last night I had a string of dreams that all woke me up. I tried to forget them but they are still lingering, especially this one.

I was purchasing something and asked to sign the credit card bill. The was one of the old type – you know the kind from a manual credit card processing machine that imprinted the card numbers on paper (makes me look very old).

I went to sign my name and it barely showed up. I remember squinting at the nearly invisible signature and then rewriting my name carefully over the top so that it could be seen.

I woke up immediately after thinking I had just signed a contract or finalized one.

8 Months!?

I don’t recall the dream now (trying to forget my dreams is working I guess) but I do recall what woke me up. In the dream I was talking to someone who was discussing how long it would take to do something. I remember hearing, “8 months”.

I awoke angry and protesting, yelling at my Companion asking why it was taking so long and to get it over with already. He explained that the process could not be rushed.

I Give Up

At work today I watched some webinars and got some CEUs (continuing education) in order to keep my counseling certificate. This was voluntary because my boss seems to have forgotten I exist and so I was not on the schedule to attend any of the day’s (and week’s) professional development. I wanted to focus on spiritual matters but kept feeling not to. So I didn’t.

As the day progressed I found a webinar I really liked and began to get ideas for the upcoming counseling groups I will be conducting. It was at this time I heard a very quiet question, “Why not?” This came with a memory of long ago when I first began teaching. Back then, I fell into my work with more gusto and passion than I ever have since. I enjoyed my job so much, in fact, that I got to work early every day and loved every moment of my day.

I realized what was happening. I was being prompted to “live life” and I understood that I have been resisting life for a very long time. There is a part of me that is angry at the “system” and also angry at myself for letting it get the better of me. Every time I think of something I should do I feel that anger and a little voice says, “Why bother?”

Honestly, though, I would rather try and do something about it than nothing at all.

So I decided I would do this group. I would plan it like I use to plan lessons as a teacher. I would have fun with it. I would create it and make it my own.

I came home and bought children’s books for each topic. I look forward to reading them to the students and making the silly voices for the characters. I look forward to making posters and drawing with them while we brainstorm ideas.

The reason I loved my first year of teaching is because my working theme was, “Explore yourself”. That is what I tried to get my students to do. To discover themselves, learn about themselves and grow in themselves. I can do that with the kids I work with now. If I want to.

Maybe “living life” won’t be as much of a drag after all.