For the first time in a week I had clear, vivid dreams and good, restful sleep. It obviously was a night of learning and reflection.

Dream: Being a Lawyer

In this dream I was called in to consult on a conflict. It became quite obvious to me that I was a lawyer. The conflict was between a very attractive blonde woman and someone else who I never met. The woman was very familiar to me and in hindsight I feel she was representative of me. The issue up for discussion was not mentioned but the feeling was that this woman was considering her options regarding relationships.

There was actually little about the issue that was discussed. I remember I was not the only one called in to discuss the situation. One man said to me, “You sure charge a lot for your services.” I remember telling him, “$150/hour is standard.” lol I also recall seeing a large, oval, mahogany table which is where the meeting was to take place. Somehow I cannot remember the meeting now, only that options were discussed.

The dream ended with me walking down a hallway looking for the bathroom. I was aware of being in a school and looking for the faculty bathroom. I inquired about it’s location and was told it was hidden. When I found it, it was taped off with red tape and I could not enter. I remember thinking, “I am not a teacher anymore. I’m a lawyer.”

Back to Reality

I woke up with this song in my head. LOL And it was released in 1989. There’s that year again. Sorry, it’s a cheesy video. Maybe it will make you laugh like it did me.

A Child’s Observation on Marriage

After thinking of this song a memory from yesterday popped into my head. I was watching The Returned and she decided to watch a portion of it with me. The exact scene was of a marriage ceremony right at the moment when the two were exchanging their vows – “‘Til death do us part…” She said to me, “That’s a lie. People don’t stay married that long. You and daddy won’t”. I said, “What do you mean? We aren’t getting a divorce.” She said, “Well, you and [insert ex-husband’s name] did.” I said, “Sometimes people stay married until death separates them.” Then I reminded her of her great-grandparents and she acknowledged it was possible to be married that long.

In recalling this conversation I wondered why she would think her dad and I were getting a divorce. She is very perceptive and also highly intuitive.  What also surprised me is that she appeared happy about it.

Message: Release All Judgments

My thoughts then began to focus on marriage, my own patterns and issues pertaining to it, what I have been taught about marriage, and the reasons we have monogamy and “rules” pertaining to marriage and relationships.

The Yanomami Indians of Brazil popped into my head during this time. My first year in college I was required to take a research course or symposium focused on the Yanomami. What I learned about them really stayed with me, probably because I got a 68 on my first research paper about them. lol They are polygamous and can be very aggressive. What stuck with me, though, was how they lived in small, close-knit family groups. I remember at the time being fascinated by this and how happy they seemed despite having none of the creature comforts we have.

This then led me to thinking about an article I read about a community, or commune, that was fully sustainable. I can’t find the article now, but this community had its own acreage and everyone contributed in some way. There was no forced monogamy and though people would couple up it was not uncommon for them to switch partners and polyamory was common. If there was a dispute, it was settled within and by the community. Children were raised communally. It was like a big, extended family. I remember wanting to do something like this and showing my husband who was not interested.

Around this time is when my guidance intervened and asked me to release all judgments. I was shown how I was judging myself and had been doing this all my life. I was reminded how as a young child I was directed to do this via my parents who showed me what was “good” and what was “bad”. If I did something “bad” I usually got a spanking or sent to my room or grounded. For me, “bad” at first was just plain curiosity. I see this in my own children and how I also limit their urge to explore via judgments of what is good and bad.

My freedom was stifled. My curiosity and urge to follow my heart suppressed by “rules” that dictated what was right and wrong. Who would I be if this hadn’t happened?

It’s everywhere in this world. These rules are put there on purpose to avoid negative situations. But basically its all fear-based. Monogamy was created to protect the family unit, to protect the pair from unforeseen acts of violence which are more likely to result from jealous partners. Parents enforce rules for the same reasons. Don’t go past the front yard is one of my rules because I fear one of my children will wander into the street and be hit by a car. Another wide-spread rule is “Don’t talk to strangers” which came as a result of child abduction cases.

There are thousands more, some in direct conflict with others. Honestly, I became overwhelmed by it. I felt like a fly in a spider web. How can we possibly disentangle ourselves from such an elaborate web of rules? Even our language traps us in the never-ending conflict of “right” versus “wrong”. Everything is judged. How can I possibly release all judgment? It’s as impossible as releasing all attachments.

Maybe that is the point. To realize we are playing a game with numerous, elaborate and often contradictory rules. We chose to do this. What is it that we hope to accomplish by being here? For me, I think, it is to recognize that I allow myself to be trapped in the web and need only recognize the lies in order to free myself from it. Nothing I desire is wrong. Nothing that others think about me is true unless I believe it to be. I am not bad for wanting what I want or feeling what I feel. I am beautiful no matter what I think, do, or feel – “good”, “bad”  or otherwise. Freedom is not accepting as truth the fears and judgments of others but allowing ourselves to experience in each moment that which we are.

This is why I am so miserable. I am trapped by myself. Not really funny but then it is.