Another theme/message I’ve been getting lately is: ghost.

Yesterday I woke with a song from the movie Ghost – Unchained Melody – on my mind. I didn’t really think much of it at the time. I think it triggered something on a subconscious level, though.

Dream: Ghost Kiss

The dream began inside a very large school (life lessons) that reminded me of high school but it was not likely any high school I have been to in life. It was very high tech with neon lights and streamers, flashing signs, and areas with high counters that would stretch the entire length of the hall. It seemed like a weird mix of movie theater (viewing from a distance/detachment), hotel lobby (seeking to make something known), and laser tag game room (seeking excitement). lol

I was with a group of students. We had just arrived and I had a feeling of being rushed, like I was late. Everyone was milling about and I don’t remember much of what was said now. I had with me a book with many pages. I knew it was my book (knowledge, potential), that I had written it. It was thin with a glossy pages resembling a pamphlet.

We didn’t seem to be going to any classes despite it being a school. Instead we milled about for a while, watching the other students. I remember needing to go and retrieve my bag and walking through various vendor lines looking for it. I was irritated by all the lines to various vendors selling distractions, such as the newest technology or gadgets, to the students. I kept having to wind around the long lines of students who were oblivious to their surroundings. Eventually I inquired about where I could find my bag. A man behind a counter told me he could get it for me, that it had been put with the other bags and tagged with my information. He retrieved it and handed it to me. It looked like a insulated lunch box (preparing for important event, stored energy).

I headed back to my group and commented on the distractions I witnessed. My irritation was high and I had that familiar feeling I get when I have been in a large crowd. I just want to get far away and breathe for a bit.

At one point everyone was asked to locate their partner. I remember that the girls were the boys, pointing out which ones were their partners. I was asked about mine and I said I was still waiting on him. I got out my book and flipped through the pages, showing the other girls what was written on them. I don’t remember seeing words, though, just images in vivid color. Toward the end of the book the images got less and less solid as if the book was not completely finished.

There was a young, light haired man who came around during this time. He seemed interested in me despite my focus on my book and partner.

When I got to the last few pages of the book it morphed into a scene that played out as if a movie. My partner was on a bicycle (seeking balance), one foot on the ground, the other on a pedal as if he had just arrived. I could see his face clearly and focused upon it, trying to get a good look at him. I could see all his features and remember thinking he looked different but I wasn’t sure how.

I remember talking to someone about the images as I watched them. I saw the man get off his bicycle and rush over to me. We embraced and kissed passionately. The images were not solid; I could see right through them. I played the scene over and over, focusing on the embrace and kiss. When we kissed our faces melted together so that I could not make out his face from my own. This part specifically seemed to play on repeat.

The man I was talking to seemed to want me to turn my focus to him but I was immersed in the pages of my book. The ghostly images were still playing as I woke.

The song The Spectre was going through my mind as I awoke. All at once I remembered the ghost reference from the night before.

Considerations

The sense from the dream as I awoke is that I am being “haunted” by a ghost of what was and what could be. My focus on the could’ve been’s and maybe’s is keeping me from seeing the other opportunities available to me right now.

I am feeling very similar to how I’ve felt in the past which is likely part of my healing. It’s another lesson in letting go. Another lesson in acceptance. There is a sense of nothingness ahead, of having no particular path and no interest in finding my path. I feel somewhat lost and purposeless. There is boredom and apathy. There is sadness and despair. There are considerations resurfacing such as – my death would be good for those around me because it would keep them from being further hurt by me. And – I am tired of this life experience and want to go Home. There is avoidance of doing what needs to be done because of how difficult it will be. At the same time there is a raging fire pushing me to act in ways that would escalate the pain and hurt, me being the primary perpetrator.

No one likes to be the bad guy.

I see the road ahead of me and it is the same as always. I don’t see any intersections or options to shift paths, at least not any paved ones. The road feels endless and bleak, kind of like traveling a long, straight highway through endless desert and rock that go on forever. No mountains. No river valleys. No spectacular views. No wildlife. No people of interest. No cities or towns to stop and rest at. Nothing.

And I feel so old now. My youth wasted on fear.