I’ve been getting urged to focus on healing a specific issue, to open up again to something I’ve shut myself off to. I agreed because it felt like the only answer to how I’ve been feeling lately.

I’ve been experiencing a kind of odd detachment. It manifests only when I slow down and stop distracting myself with other things. Some nights, as I lay down to sleep, I notice another aspect of myself getting up and leaving the room very quickly, as if she is running away. I actually see and sense her. She’s like an apparition. And when I try to focus on her I get sleepy and feel a vast emptiness inside. In the midst of feeling this emptiness I was encouraged to “open up”, so that is what I am trying to do but it is proving very difficult.

Dream: Lost Car

The dream began with me navigating my car (life path) through an unfamiliar city. It felt to be up north somewhere with large, white skyscrapers and one-way city streets. I parked my car and walked through several buildings heading toward an unknown destination. I seemed to wind through the streets and through buildings looking for something.

I came to a large community center with tall glass windows. I walked inside, through rooms and hallways that led into a small room in the back. The room was a golden brown color and filled with a handful of people listening to a man at the front of the room.

I joined the group as if I had been planning to attending the gathering all along. Everyone was sharing stories of specific spiritual experiences. I couldn’t wait to share mine but as time passed and it became later and later, I realized I was last and likely would not get a turn. The man facilitating the group seemed only to be listening but I think he was also taking these experiences and sorting them for the individual, like a kind of healing.

As it approached closing time (9pm) I began to feel restless and paced back and forth. In my mind I was going over the story I was going to share. I saw the roots (root of an issue, deep into subconscious, history) of a tree, black (unknown, buried) and spreading like a disease through the ground. I knew these roots communicated (need to address issue).

I told the group I had to leave and they accepted my departure without issue. As I left the lights were being shut off and the clock was at 9pm (9 = completion, rebirth).

As I attempted to make my way out of the building I ended up on stairs with many others heading down to the entrance (delving into subconscious). Confused because I had not come in that way, I got more disoriented when I walked outside. I wandered around a while looking for my car and specifically focused on my water bottle (keep hopes up, rejuvenation). After a long time I began to get frantic and stopped a woman who worked in one of the nearby lots asking her to help me. She walked with me for a while calling other lot attendance and staying close to me. I told her my car was a silver Prius but in my mind I saw a water bottle.

Eventually, after hours more of wandering without locating my car, I gave up. It felt like complete surrender in the dream; like I was okay with never finding my car. I went inside another building and sat down, accepting my fate. Then, I heard my husband say my name and turned as he walked up to me. He had in his hand my water bottle and said something about being contacted by a lot attendant about a lost car. He told me the car was found 7 (alignment, enlightenment) miles away. He couldn’t understand why I would park so far away. I took my water bottle from him but didn’t recognize it at first. I could feel my thirst (unmet need, void in life) in the dream, but I didn’t drink. I thanked the lady who helped me as she was still with me.

The dream shifted a bit here and I found myself inside a clinic (healing) of some sort. I entered a waiting room with a woman and saw a young, dark haired boy/man sitting there. In an adjacent room I could see a nurse tending to a baby (new beginnings). It was completely naked and female, its genital area exposed. The strange thing is that it had long, silver fingernails (on the defensive) and I knew it had been experimented on genetically, everyone in the clinic had been.

Outside in the waiting room I saw that everyone (all naked) had strange, metallic blue objects attached to their genital area. The objects were triangular (body, mind, spirit; truth) in shape, two triangles inside the other. It seemed to clip on making the person look androgynous.

The young man was familiar to me and seemed to be the object of my focus. What I recall most here is wanting to get us both out of there. I think I also had on one of the triangular devices.

There was another shift in the dream and I was at my Mom’s house with the young man. He felt like family and though I did not realize it in the dream, he was the same dark haired boy/man I have seen in countless other dreams. He was completely naked standing next to me and inviting me to go into the bedroom (intimacy, vulnerability) with him. I began to follow him but then stopped off in the bathroom (cleanse and renew). He followed me inside as I lingered.

When I left the bathroom I was distracted by my Mom who had a large box of cookies (temptations, sweets of life) at the kitchen table. I went to investigate. The cookies were frosted sugar cookies with all sorts of images on them. Some were the size of my hand and a few others were smaller. When I was offered a large, bowl-shaped cookie I said, “Oh that’s too big for me. I prefer something like….that one.” I selected a small cookie decorated as a red schoolhouse (lessons).

My attention went back to the dark haired boy/man who was waiting patiently for me. I could feel that he wanted privacy and his invitation to the bedroom would likely lead to more. I don’t know if I was afraid but I resisted going with him. At this point I remember noticing he had on blue boxer shorts and and I also had on something to cover my nether regions (ashamed of something, hidden aspects). We were both naked from the waist up, though.

Messages

When I woke a song was going through my head:

Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart
Anymore

As I heard the song going through my mind I realized I had been hearing it in the dream when I encountered the dark haired boy/man. I recognized him, then, and wondered about his sudden appearance after such a long time. The main dream I remember him from was a Kundalini dream. In it he was setting fire to the treetops and laughing as I tried to drown out the fires with water from a hose. It was a panicky dream. Subsequent dreams were just as intense.

I also wondered why he appeared as a young adolescent man (mid-teens). Was this representative of some stage of development? And then the song, was it a message from him to me? Or a message from me to him? It seemed like a message nonetheless.

My guidance was close but not really saying much. In the midst of my confusion from the dream I heard a message, though: “Houston, we have a problem.”

I was encouraged again to “open up” and as hard as I tried, I could not contact the feeling of openness in my heart that I knew should be there.

I had a flash of a vision of my guide standing alongside more dogs than I could count. It felt like a huge line of protection was being provided. But from what?

The dream seems to point to an issue with my lower chakras. Not only does the triangle symbolize this but also the silver fingernails on the baby as well as the boxer shorts and covering of the genital region at the end of the dream. So, I seem to be trying to protect myself from something.

I finally contacted some emotion, albeit briefly, right as I was getting out of bed to get my kids ready for school. The emotion is connected to the unrequited love feeling. It seems always to linger under the surface. I have grown adept at pushing it down, swallowing the tears and heartsickness. I understood, then, what “open up” meant – I need to allow these feelings. But when I have allowed them they only seem to intensify to the point that I feel they will ultimately be the death of me.