I’ve been sick since Wednesday night. I was hit with a sore throat that kept me awake most of the night. The next day it lingered with addition of a headache and just an overall feeling of malaise. I suspect I may have had a low grade fever, but I never checked to see. I went to work despite it and probably shouldn’t have. I felt like crap all day but worked through it. My husband had gone out of town for the day (of course, right?) and so when I got home from work I had to tend to my children and do all the regular mommy duties despite feeling awful. That night I opted to skip my normal workout replacing it with over an hour of Hatha yoga.

The following night sleep was limited as well. The sore throat had not run it’s course I guess and the next day it continued to linger through until bedtime. I finally gave in last night and took some Ibuprofen at bedtime to help with the pain and ended up getting a good night’s sleep. This morning I feel much better but have a bit of congestion which will I suspect with linger for a few more days as the cold runs its course.

What is interesting is that throughout this period of illness I’ve had spiritual experiences on and off. The day prior to the sickness kicking in I had been in a “funk”, feeling an intense urge to take action on certain issues in my life to the point of near obsession all day. Here is a dream and message I received that morning:

Dream: Approved

This dream began with me meeting up with my ex-husband after a year of no contact. We were in bed (private self) together, fully clothed and catching up on lost time. I recall struggling with a memory of having sex with him only a year prior. I could not figure out if it was true or not. I thought, “Maybe I dreamed it?”

Finally, I asked him if we had been together and he said, “Yes. Remember? It was when you were separated from ______.” I do not remember the name from the dream but it felt like I had temporarily separated from my marriage and gotten back with my ex.

I was relieved to have my memory confirmed. In the dream at this time I was recalling what it was like to be with my ex. There was memory of times I had long forgot – mundane activities and the normalcy of married life with him – but also the specifics of our sex life. At one point the face of my ex and the face of my current husband were side-by-side. I saw the similarities in their features and in their personalities. It was as if they were the same identity only in two different bodies.

A woman came in at that point. She was there to “clean up” the stage (behavior, manipulation, relationships, putting on a show for others). It was then that I realized the bed we were in was in the center of a large stage set inside a giant theater. The woman gestured to the floor and described the debris that was in need of being swept up. As she described it, I saw in her hands what looked like pine cones (life and good fortune, or “pining” for someone), leaves (fallen hopes, sadness, loss) and very large strawberries (sensual desires, female sexuality). The strawberries were not red, though, but a burnt orange color similar to the leaves and pine cones. Together they looked like potpourri (particular stage of life). I looked at the floor around our bed and saw it was covered entirely with this mixture.

Lucidity increased at this point and I recall seeing the entire dream scene freeze as if it turned into a photograph. Then I saw the word “APPROVED” materialize in front of me. Seeing the word woke me fully and I wondered, “What is approved??” I got no response.

Interpretation

This dream seems to be me comparing my ex and my current husband, looking at similarities of my relationships and exploring themes. I had a particular focus on my ex, how he appeared to me, how I felt about him, and what I thought of him as a person overall. I remember noting how attached he was to me and finding it unappealing mainly because I was not attached to him in the same way. It felt like he was attached to my body and his attraction to my body more than to me as a person.

I am still uncertain what the “Approved” message indicates. It seemed like a stamp of approval”, like something that would be stamped on a contract or proposal. Maybe I was going through contract negotiations again? It seems likely since I do that quite a bit in dreamtime.

Journal Entry From 12/14/18:

Still sick, it took me a while to fall asleep – after midnight. I hate post nasal drip.

I don’t recall my dreams until this morning after waking at 6am and then dozing until it was time to get the kids up for school.

Dream: Pecan Present

The dream began in what appeared to be my old bedroom at my Mom’s, the one I was in during middle and early high school. The only difference was where the window faces the pool there was an open area with a golden hue.

I was playing with an orange tabby cat (female sexuality). I had what looked like a walnut (joy and/or abundance) or pecan (potential) and was rolling it around to get the cat’s attention. I opted to squeeze it between the floor and a lower shelf and watched as the cat attempted to get it. He worked at it while and then managed to get his mouth around it, freed it and tried to eat it.

A dark haired slightly pudgy woman (aspect of self) came into view then. She was out of sorts, obviously destitute and struggling. She was nice enough and I seemed to know her. She was with a group of others like herself – homeless, jobless and needing shelter. They were all gathered for the night in the space adjacent to my room.

The woman and I talked and I handed her a pecan (potential, hardiness and longevity – big things start small). She was grateful and accepted it but then said, “I bet it has worms (negativity, low self-worth, degradation) in it.” I looked at the pecan and briefly saw what the woman saw – worms squirming around in it. I cracked open the pecan and showed her, “No it doesn’t. See? No worms. It’s perfect.” The woman’s eyes lit up as I offered it to her to eat.

As I was set to leave I felt overwhelming compassion for her and the others. I remember thinking, “I will give them each $20 for the holidays. It’s not much but it’s something.” I felt like I should do something to help, even if it was a small thing.

Then I was walking along a curvy road (life path) that seemed to wind through a mountain valley. As I departed, my grandmother was clearly visible sitting in a chair with a blue afghan spread over her lap just like she use to do when she was alive. She commended me on my efforts to help the woman and said, “You know, she keeps everything you’ve ever given her.” I saw in my mind a bunch of items neatly stowed in a blanket. The items were random things like the pecan – sticks, rocks, baubles and such. My grandmother sent such warmth and thanks to me and I felt an overwhelming sadness wash over me as I saw again the dark haired woman who I had helped. I felt so bad for her and others like her. I also think seeing my grandmother brought up emotion.

I woke up in tears feeling that I was purging something but not exactly sure what. The emotion, as usual, seemed to have no specific source but instead a general grief.

The song High Hopes was on my mind – You’ve gotta have high, high hopes…..”

On to last night now…..

Dream: Fire in the Kitchen

In this dream I was inside my grandparent’s old house only it was newer because my uncle has remodeled it. I went to the kitchen to make some food. I set a bowl on the counter near the sink and turned on the burners. While I was turned and focused on the food preparation I smelled smoke and turned around to see a pan catching fire. I put out the fire with a towel and moved the pan and turned back around. Again, I smelled smoke and again I saw the pan on fire and put out the fire. This happened several times until the whole stove top was engulfed in flames. The burners got so hot they began to melt and the pans began to melt as well.

My uncle came home and saw the mess but was unconcerned about his new stove. Instead he was focused on what the fire had done. I remember thinking the fire must have gotten really hot to have melted the burner coils and that the entire stove would have to replaced. I thought perhaps the stove was defective and hoped it was still under warranty and could be replaced.

Dream: Fever

There was a whole dream sequence prior to this dream about being in outer space on a space craft that was large enough to hold an entire society. Other ships began to latch onto the mother ship, though, and invade the interior. The attack was stopped but in the end one ship had avoided detection and was secretly infiltrating the bigger ship.

The scene shifted and with it came an entire background knowledge of what was transpiring. I had finally reunited with my partner/love and had stayed the night in his apartment. There was an understanding that now that we were together our intense connection would likely result in tension that then would flare up into arguments. I saw my partner’s sun and ascendant (astrology) contributing to a tendency toward communication conflicts. I remember feeling able to handle such trivialities, feeling it would be worthwhile in the end.

His roommate greeted me as I emerged from my room that morning. He was very cheerful but I did not know him. I saw my partner sitting on the sofa and joined him. The roommate said something to the effect of, “You should let her give you a blow job now because you have to go to [unrecognizable word] soon.” There was a telepathic sense that my partner was about to leave and that his roommate was supportive of us being together. The roommate felt like another version of my partner more than another person.

I remember ignoring the roommate’s comment as I sat next to my partner on the sofa (I was on his left) and snuggled up to him. I looked up at him and said, “Good morning.” He looked down at me and smiled, kissing me gently on the lips. I remember thinking how amazing it felt to finally be with him without having to sneak around or feel guilty. I could feel from him a slight uneasiness that was not outright rejection. Instead it seemed that he was trying to not fully feel our connection; holding back.

Still snuggled up against his chest our connection began to become more and more apparent to me. It was such a wonderful feeling and all I wanted to do was stay there with him, snuggled close. I sent this feeling to him telepathically and then said to him, “Why do you have this effect on me?” I received back and answer in visuals. It looked like an energetic process. Golden energy streams that then exploded at their destination point into tiny fireworks. The energy channels felt ancient, like they had been worn deep from repetitive use, intricately connecting us at the deepest of levels. Along with this came a knowing this process had gone unfinished countless times because of the intensely explosive nature of our connection. Until these energy channels were allowed to complete a circuit the intensity would continue to feel uncomfortable to the point of separating us once again.

From my partner I could feel him working hard to remain in control. If you can imagine someone biting their lip and gripping the seat, this would be how he appeared energetically to me. lol There was no hostility or anger whatsoever, just outward calm as he held me close to him. Yet the energy between us was intensifying and I began to squirm from it as my desire grew.

When the energy became nearly unbearable he looked at me with a neutral expression and said, “I am starting to get turned on.” I looked back up at him and said, “Me, too.” I could feel his grip on control lessening as he gave into his desire. My thoughts were definitely not innocent at this point, neither were his. All I wanted to do was jump him right there in front of his roommate. LOL I became breathless at the thought and woke up (darn!).

Fully awake but not wanting to be I lingered in bed a while enjoying the dream connection still present as I woke. Part of a song was going through my mind on repeat, no doubt a message: “I will always love you…..”

I don’t think the rest of the song applies, but I can’t say for sure. The only part that was repeating was, “I will always love you.” This was while the energy was still noticeable but subsiding.

Once I was fully awake and the energy was gone I spoke with my guidance for a while. A familiar conversation ensued, one that I have had many times over the course of the last few years. The dream seemed to be me trying on a particular situation or maybe it was just meant to show me the current state of things. Whatever it was, I felt the explanation of the energy to be the most informative. The circuit must be completed. The intensity leading up to that completion is scary but as with all fear it must be confronted. The only way out is through. Controlling it is a barrier creating more blocks and slowing the process. The feeling is easy to interpret as “bad” or “dark” but in reality it is both “good” and “bad” in one. We are “light” and “dark” and to be whole we must embrace both within ourselves. In the end, what appears to be an insurmountable obstacle is actually just a bump in the road.

The biggest lesson I suppose is embracing the desire and all that goes with it. I have been through it, so I know how scary it is to face the desire we hold within. It looks and feels “bad” yet at the same time it carries with it a magnetic attraction, pulling us into it and into ourselves. Once allowed we are shown ourselves, the good, the bad and the ugly. This is scary but if approached without judgment or criticism we are able to see the beauty that we are and it is Divine and blissful beyond compare.

In understanding I lingered a bit longer in bed, feeling the connection across the distance and allowing it. Another song came to mind, specifically the words, “You give me fever….”

Of Note

I wanted to address the portion of the above dream where the roommate suggests I give my partner a blow job. I believe this section was the result of a conversation I had yesterday with my husband. We drove past the place where I had my first ever date and memory of my first boyfriend came up. I talked about it, specifically how he was a “sloppy kisser”. lol There was also a distinct memory of one evening when I was over at his house in his bedroom. We were making out and he suddenly exposed himself to me. I had never seen a penis before and was in shock (that’s an understatement). At this point all we had ever done was make-out and I was very inexperienced. I had never even kissed a boy prior to him. I said something about his mom walking in and he responded that she wouldn’t. I knew he wanted me to give him a blow job and I definitely was NOT going to do that! So I made an excuse and we went back into the living room. After that he suddenly stopped communicating with me (ha!) but I was not upset by it because I was not “that kind of girl” and so had lost all interest in him as well.

This conversation led me to talking more about what I feel about and my beliefs about oral sex. Oral sex has never been attractive to me – neither giving or receiving. Even in my marriages it is rare that I give or receive it. It just feels uncomfortable. However, I am not completely against it and have been known to be spontaneous in the giving of it, but only within a committed relationship. Somewhere along the way in this lifetime I acquired the belief that a woman who gives a man oral sex outside of a committed relationship is “cheap” and “dirty”. Yet within a marriage or committed long-term relationship, it is acceptable. Talk about illogical!

So yeah, that is likely why it appeared in my dream. It went along quite well with the feelings coming from my partner and helps me recognize that I still have my own considerations and beliefs getting in the way of my progress.

Either way, I definitely felt the “fever” and all conflicting considerations flew out the door!