Some dreamwork from this morning that seems significant:

Dream: I’m Leaving and I’m Not Coming Back

The dream began with me walking through a hub bustling with people. As I walked I noticed a bus station on my left and lines of people buying their tickets. Ahead of me was a corridor and my destination.

Then I was sitting at a student desk inside a narrow classroom with a floor-to-ceiling window on my left. Out the window I could see the hub and people walking to and fro. Behind me was a line of desks each occupied by a student. In the corner was the teacher at her own desk.

The teacher got up and began to hand out completed assignments to the students. I saw her pass up mine, putting it at the back of the stack until it was the only one remaining. Then she put it down and returned to her desk. I asked her, “What about mine?” She responded that she was going to keep it and mentioned that it was “like my others”. I remember taking it as a rebuttal, as if the teacher did not expect much of me. I eyed my assignment. It looked like one of those workbook worksheets from high school.

Then it was quiet as all the students began to read quietly the next chapter as instructed by the teacher. I was at the front of the line of desks and could see all the students obedient and scholarly-like doing what they were told. The light in the room was very dim, too dim to read by, and I thought it unfair for the teacher to expect us to read in such poor circumstances. I remembering thinking how I did not even need to be in the class because I had already taken it and gotten my degree.

The teacher excused herself and exited the classroom. I turned toward my book and decided that I was not going to stay in a class I didn’t need. Besides, there was a feeling that this class was related to a religion I was not in agreement with. I got up, faced the other students, and said, “Tell her I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.” As I walked past I heard several students gasp in disbelief and saw at least one of them smile.

When I walked outside I was back in the bustling hub. I didn’t know where I parked and was confused. I was frantic as I had no idea even what my car looked like. I burst into tears, crying because I felt lost and confused. “What will I do now? Where will I go?” were some of my thoughts. A nice women came up to me and asked me if I needed help. She was very kind and reassuring, putting her hand on my shoulder. She pointed toward the bus station and told me my car would be just past it. Calmer now, I walked past the bus station noting the lines of people staring into space, tickets in hand. Everything seemed so monotone – gray, white and charcoal black.

When I found my car the road and parking garage slowly flooded with water. The car was floating as I climbed in and struggled to find my key and turn on the ignition. My car kept bumping into other parked cars and I worried I would dent them. There was a woman’s voice with me at this time continuing to reassure me. My car floated like a boat and was difficult to maneuver without the engine on. I was panicking and fumbling for my keys. Finally I found my key and put it in the ignition, turning it. The engine roared as it started. Suddenly there was no water and I was not floating but driving smoothly and exiting the garage and hub altogether.

I remember seeing my car at one point, as if I was purchasing it. It looked like a “boat” (the term my friends and I used to describe cars like the 1970 El Camino). It was gray with peeling paint and worn tires. I think I called it a Buick and said, “It’s gonna need new tires.” Despite not liking it all that much I remember accepting it as mine and thinking, “It will have to do.”

I must have driven home or to my destination because I was next in a room sitting in a chair. I saw an old friend of mine enter. I hadn’t seen her in years. I spoke to her, commenting on how she seemed and asking how she was doing. Her expression showed me that she was not doing well. She was exhausted, depressed and feeling to be spinning her wheels.

She sat down facing away from me and stared out a window. I could tell she was trying to ignore me. I remember encouraging her, telling her that I was certain she would make progress soon because she was such a hard worker. I knew she could hear me but was pretending she could not.

This particular friend recently cut all ties with me quite abruptly. I remember thinking in the dream about how she had tried to make me into the type of friend she wanted when she should have just respected the boundaries that were in place when we met. When we met, she came to me for readings. I suspect she thought it would be beneficial to her to have a psychic-medium for a friend. I think it backfired on her. Me, I always knew my place but allowed her to befriend me. I sensed the lesson in it for her, and maybe for me as well.

Lesson

When I woke the part of the dream that was clearest to me was when I walked out of the classroom never to return. There was a realization in the dream that I was choosing to take the class over and over again, even when I didn’t need it. There was also a sense that I put up with teachers who did not respect me and had low expectations of me.

The decision in the dream seemed significant, though how specifically is not clear at this time. I have had dreams of being in school for a very long time now. Often I am in college taking a course I’ve taken and passed many times before. I always realize this in the dream but do not often do anything about it. Usually I just fail the class by not attending it. Sometimes I take the class over again anyway, happy that I already know the information and certain that I will pass with flying colors.

The next part that stands out about my dream is the feelings I had as I exited the classroom. I had no idea what to do, who I was or where I was going. All memory of how I got to there was gone. I was literally sobbing and hysterical in the dream, like completely freaking out to the point of a breakdown. It reminds me now of how I felt as a small child when I would lose my mom in the grocery store. lol

In considering this dream reaction, I think it has to do with confronting a similar situation in my life – one where I can choose to not repeat a lesson and step away from a repetitive cycle. If I make such a decision then I could potentially feel lost and confused. So perhaps the dream was me trying on how this decision might effect me? If so, then I was shown that I would be guided in the right direction and ultimately be OK.

The portion of the dream involving my friend could be a reflection of how my life might look if I do not choose to end the cycle. Or it also could be that I connected with this person and got a glimpse of her current circumstances. It felt like I was actually trying to communicate with her, so maybe it is more the latter than the former.

Ultimately, I can relate to the dream and the feelings in it. I have been considering making some changes but I hesitate because I cannot conceive of my life any other way than what it is like now. I struggle to know what to do. I feel confused and lost. Breaking cycles is difficult, especially if these cycles are all you have ever known. Who am I without these familiar circumstances? Honestly, I don’t even know.