Woke up again this morning not knowing what day of the week it was and struggling to figure it out. lol This has been happening since my husband left the end of January. I don’t panic when it happens but it is odd!

At work yesterday I signed the checks I cut to pay invoices. I am officially a co-signer on the business bank account. I made sure not to look at the check amounts because some were over $50K and I am a little freaked that I am signing checks for that amount! There will be many more checks in the future, some topping $100K so I have to get use to it I guess.

I realized last night that this change in my job duties indicates a longer term position than I originally considered when I took the job. In fact, the next step (months away I hope) is to replace my supervisor/coworker, the one who is now under hospice care at home waiting to die from cancer in her brain. 😦 I will likely be put on salary soon and my pay will increase steadily as I prove myself more and more competent.

I honestly don’t know what to think of all this. I am neutral, really. Ten years ago, if anyone had asked me where I would be at this time in my life I would not have seen this type of career path, that is for sure! I always saw myself as a teacher and counselor. It just goes to show how life can take us in unexpected directions, directions we choose via our thoughts and intentions. My decision to stop working in the educational system and find a new path resulted in this path but only because I did not resist it. Otherwise, I might still be a stay-at-home mom struggling to figure out what I wanted to do with myself once my youngest started school.

I went to visit my friend/coworker with cancer at her home last week. She was in good spirits but has lost the ability to use her legs. So she is bed bound and spends much of her time sleeping. Her cognitive ability seems unchanged, though, and she was her usual self. Sadly, she looked to have aged 10+ years overnight. Her weight is only 85lbs now and she should weigh 130lbs. The good news is she is not in any pain and appears very peaceful for the most part. She continues to talk as if she is going to fully recover and return to work anytime. Denial perhaps? Or maybe just her personality as she tends to be very optimistic. Right now she is holding on to see her only child and son. He just got released from prison and she has not seen him in over 20 years. He is expected to visit in a few months (he’s on probation now). Thus, it looks like my dream prediction of June might come to pass as my friend’s death month.

Yesterday my husband once again triggered me into thinking all hope is lost for our marriage. I just can’t get him to see things my way when it comes to money/finance and if I can’t then he will continue to be untrustworthy in that department. I can’t see where we are going as a couple and, like my job, I feel a bit neutral about all of it right now. It seems like I am in the midst of a lesson on surrender and Trust. Maybe I am doing well considering I am not reacting like I would normally. There are so many things the me from a decade ago would be doing now that I am not – like talking to my mom and inviting her into my problems, doing things to “punish” my husband so he knows he is “wrong”, and just letting my Ego-child throw her tantrums. I have instead been allowing myself to feel the uncomfortable emotions rather than getting angry and vengeful for the hurt I am feeling.

I am also trying really hard not to look into my future to try and predict what will happen next. It is easy to think of all the scenarios but it does me no good if I can’t decide what I want to happen. There are continual internal reminders to focus on what I want and not on what I don’t want. Since thinking of what I want often leads to the don’t wants I have just been trying to keep my mind blank. If I am thinking of something it is usually the Kundalini bliss and wanting that to be a permanent part of my life experience. Even then I think, “But……” because my current reality doesn’t seem to lead to the possibility of what I want. With that I have to remind myself that what I can see presently is limited. So much is unknown and that is okay.

Most recently I have asked my guidance to help me clear the blockages in my energy field. I want to be a clear conduit for the Kundalini and I am not that at present. There are many layers of blockages and, though I have cleared many already, there are more.

Dream: Shifting Poles

Strange yet very vivid dream last night about the shifting of the magnetic poles.

I was on a trip with my youngest. We were walking along an overgrown path, heading north. It felt like Alaska but it didn’t look like Alaska. My son was in front of me, much smaller than he is now. I stayed behind him to keep him in my sight. The scene was absolutely beautiful. There were fields of sunflowers (spiritual guidance, perserverence) to our right. Hills covered in giant sunflowers and rolling hills in the distance that took my breath away. To our left were massive clusters of white flowers, like Begonias. I said to my son, “Look out for butterflies.” As I said this, a massive Monarch butterfly (transformation) flew past me, brushing up against my cheek. I thought the white flowers must be milkweed (hope and happiness).

The path kept narrowing and eventually we could not proceed because it turned into a cliff edge (hard times ahead). I told my son to turn around as I looked over the edge and could not see the bottom.

As we made our way back I saw a man standing in the middle of the path behind us. He looked at me strangely and I felt a bit weirded out. His hair was shoulder length, he had very pale skin and he just stared at me. He asked me something and I paused. He reached out and touched the ends of my hair asking me if I normally kept my hair so long. I remember answering him and him placing both his palms on my upper back as if he wanted something from me. I lingered a bit and then told him I had to catch up to my son. I almost became lucid from the man’s touch.

When I turned around, my son was on some train tracks that extended out over some water and just ended mid-air. I warned him to be careful and he slipped over the edge onto a bunch of jagged rocks. He was completely fearless. I looked below and saw canoes and all kinds of boats (journey, exploration). I remember thinking it had not been there before and being a bit confused about direction.

My son then ran over the bridge and I followed. We ended up on a moving ship (emotional journey). One minute the bridge ended over open water and the next we were on a boat!

Once on board I saw a completely naked man walk past. I said to the captain, “Was that a naked man?” He said, “Some people are.” Then I went to look for my daughter who I saw go out on the deck.

The next thing I recall is sitting inside a bus (following the crowd) or train traveling with a group. We were in Alaska (it seemed). I realized the road I had been on previously with my son was not the road we were now on. I had been lost. I exclaimed to the group, “Now I know where we are! The shifting poles must have led me in the wrong direction! North is no longer the north it use to be.”

The bus came to a stop and everyone got out. I stopped and stared at the gold and orange foliage of the trees and the rays of sunlight pouring through. The sunset (endings) was spectacular and I got out my camera to take a photo only it wouldn’t work. When I looked through the camera the colors were gone and it was turning dark.

Eventually I realized I must be out of pictures and opened up my camera to pull out 35mm film that indicated there were only 15 photos on it. I was upset because I had no more film. A man offered me a new roll. The sense from the man was he was different and I did not know what to think of his energy. I can’t remember what he looks like now but somehow we were connected. He called and ordered food over the phone and I asked him where he was staying. He kept saying to me that he was stuck there because his partner was so slow. It seemed his partner was a male and wanted to sight see and the man did want to linger.

Considerations

When I woke I didn’t know what to think of the dream. Overall, the feeling I had upon waking was good. I felt rested and calm. The dream itself seemed to be hopeful. The visuals of the sunflowers, butterfly and milkweed was very vivid, still is. The man who touched my upper back is also vivid but I can’t see his face. I can’t quite place the odd feeling I got from the man. Was I afraid of him? Was he giving me a warning? I can’t say. Perhaps his hands were meant as healing or maybe he was pushing me, trying to get me on the right path?

Ships are a common dream symbol for me. They indicate emotion and healing, delving under the surface into the subconscious. Yay. Not.

The message about the poles shifting is interesting as well. In the dream I realized I had been going the wrong way. The road was still in the same place but magnetic north moved. Since I was using a compass to go north I went that way and the road was now more to the west. Perhaps this is a message that I need to stick to the road. IDK. So weird!