Monthly Archives: February 2019

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Extreme Anxiety

The crazy panic episodes are returning and I am NOT enjoying it one bit.

Friday I had a panic attack at a stop light on the way home from work. What triggered it? Realizing I was at the front of the line of traffic and thinking if I passed out everyone would be stuck behind me. My car felt suffocating. My heart was pounding in my chest like I had just sprinted a 100 yds. I wanted to jump out of my car and stand beside it until the light changed. As soon as the light changed and I was driving, the panic vanished. If I am moving, I am fine. If I am stopped, I could freak out for no reason. 😦

On top of that, I must have caught a stomach virus because my tummy doesn’t feel good at all. It is making my lower back ache and I have what my students use to call “bubble gut”. Ugh!

Yet I persevere. I have to keep doing what needs to get done. There are no breaks for me.

I decided to do the shopping since I had to put food in the fridge. My youngest accompanied me. We made a stop at Ross before grocery shopping. My stomach, which had been better, decided to grumble and hurt. I definitely didn’t feel alright but I pushed through it. A trip to the bathroom helped and we moved on but not before I ate a little something just in case my blood sugar got low (which it tends to do).

Wal-Mart was where we ended up next. I normally don’t go there but I figured why not? Turns out I was all spaced out through the shopping trip and by the time I was waiting in line I began to have that pre-panic feeling. Right there in line I felt like I was going to pass out and then I began to silently freak out because I did not want my poor little guy to have to go through something like that. So, I sorted my thoughts and got my panic under control and got the hell out of there as fast as I could.

I sat in the car a bit before driving away, just to get my wits about me. I had at least five traffic lights between the parking lot and home. Traffic lights tend to increase the likelihood of panic for some reason. Grrr!

I got home without incident and sat in the driveway as my daughter got the groceries. I warned her not to leave the door open or else Monty would run out. Sure enough, within minutes he darted past and across the road to harass a poor woman taking a walk. I had to jump out of the car and get him which was, thankfully, quite easy. He was growling at the woman because she was wearing bright red, over sized headphones. I explained it to her, she let him sniff her and everyone was happy.

When I got inside my stomach was really aching. It feels very much like what I felt when I had that gut imbalance plus a little bit like an intestinal flu. Imagine someone twisting your intestines and your uterus at the same time and you might get an idea of how uncomfortable it is.

With the strange panic episode, the faint feeling and stomach cramping I actually thought to myself, “I must be dying. I’m gonna end up in the ER.” I don’t think things like that often and I’m not really sure why I thought that except that something really feels “off”. I don’t like the feeling at all.

There is no logical explanation for the panic-like episode in line at Wal-Mart. To be honest, I am terrified that these episodes are going to generalize to more and more locations rather than just being isolated to one specific traffic light and section of road like they use to. It is already starting to happen but to shift from the road to inside a store? Gawd!

On the drive home I was thinking that I might be one of “those” people who can’t function anymore in society because being outside among people and in society causes them instant panic to the point of hysteria. The panic makes me want to sprint away from wherever I am. If I am in a car, I want to get out of it. When in line at Wal-Mart I wanted to grab my son and just walk as fast as I could out and away from the store.

It feels like the entire space I occupy is going to collapse on top of me.

WTF is wrong with me!?

It is likely this stomach illness and the energy I have been feeling in my lower chakras are linked. Fear is an emotion related to imbalance in the root chakra (security, survival). With everything going on in my life right now, my seemingly “secure” world being threatened, it might just be exacerbating things and panic is the unfortunate emotional side-effect.

This panic is extreme, though, even for me. Please pray whatever the *uck this is, goes away.

 

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Kundalini Anxiety

So much for sleep…..lol

Let me take a couple steps back and explain.

Yesterday was a good day. I was feeling more stable emotionally – less depressed, less apathetic, more hopeful. As a result my day went smoothly. Mid-afternoon I was researching Kundalini support in my area (there’s none btw) and stumbled upon a Kundalini yoga free introductory course online. I figured I might as well do it and so read through the first few lessons and tried some of the meditations and mantras that were suggested. I figured, why not? Here is the website in case you are curious and/or interested in a free course.

I didn’t decide to full-on start a Kundalini Yoga practice because I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea considering my Kundalini is already pretty active. So I just played a bit with it and enjoyed the information presented. Mostly, in my boredom, I was looking for something to occupy myself with in order to make the evenings pass quicker. When trying out a few of the meditations and mantras I felt my third-eye activate, which in itself is a good indicator.

Prior to sleep I practiced what I could recall from the first few chapters I had read online. I realize now that I probably should have reviewed the material before doing so because I did an energizing breath meditation that was not necessarily ideal for preparing to sleep! lol I didn’t do a complete round, though, just spoke the words and breathed as instructed for a short period of time.

As I settled down to sleep a male energy became apparent and the conversation between us brought about some mild energy sensations. My heart chakra lit up as did my crown and third-eye. I don’t recall the conversation much now except for a few odd bits of information. For example, I remember “fire” and “change” and the mentioning of progress being made.

Eventually my heart started to beat quicker in anticipation of the perceived Kundalini energy. It’s like I was on high alert and so my body responded in kind. I experienced a kind of crazy anxious energy in my heart chakra. It was bothersome and made it impossible for me to fall asleep. I have only felt a similar energy once before and that was after I met my physical counterpart (some call it twin flame) in person back in 2016. The energy is uncomfortable and the only way I was able to manage it in the past was to lay on my stomach. So, I lay on my stomach but found little relief. The male energy instructed me to, “allow” and “go with” the energy and it would reveal what it wanted me to know.

After over an hour of this kind of energy I told the male energy, “I need to sleep”. It was getting close to midnight and I was extremely tired. I rolled onto my left side and attempted to sleep. As soon as I began to relax I realized I was conversing with the male energy again. I saw him and felt him put his hand on my back, right between my shoulder blades. The heart energy was warm and spread out as he held his hand there. Then I felt a small bubble of energy move up my body from my feet to my tailbone and then up my spine. It paused at the space between my second and third chakra. I remember the male energy saying, “There, you see?” I recognized the blockage and sensed that this male energy wanted to help me work through it.

Throughout the interaction with this male energy a song was playing in the back of my mind: Beautiful Day by U2. I kept hearing, “It’s a beautiful day. Don’t let it get away….”

From this point on it gets weird and thankfully my memory is hazy. I seemed to be perceiving all kinds of thoughts and visuals from other people all at the same time. I saw and felt things that made no sense and they were piled one on top of the other in layers. My best guess is that these layers of experience/memory were what complied the blockage, but I am not completely sure because I had to disconnect from it in order to get into a place where I could sleep.

Both my ears started ringing pretty loudly during this time also.

There was a point where my left hand began to tingle as if going numb. My fingers specifically were tingling as if needles were being poked into them and electric zaps were sparking with each prick. And it was not getting better with movement even after several minutes. I was reminded of the other night when I kept waking up worrying about my heart, feeling it would stop in my sleep. I thought, “Am I having a heart attack? Is numbness and tingling in the left hand a sign of heart attack?” After what seemed like forever the tingling subsided.

Somehow I did fall asleep, which is quite amazing considering the onslaught of imagery and the crazy heart energy that made me feel so damn anxious!

Vision

When I woke this morning I was not happy to be waking up because I got so little sleep and what sleep I did get did not cause me to feel rested. The intensity of the energy was what was so difficult and I realized if I were to ever be in close quarters with someone I had an energetic connection with that I would likely not get any sleep and would go crazy from exhaustion.

I recall a flash of a vision upon waking that has me wondering. It was a piece of paper that looked like a death certificate. I recall seeing “Birth” with a date I cannot recall. Then I saw “Death” and next to it was written a year: “2048”. Below that was more information but I have since forgotten it. I wonder now if the information was about me? Am I set to die in 2048? If so, that is in line with what I have perceived before, that I will die in my 60’s. The thing that bothers me is that it is only 20 years away. That seems like a long time but I know that it is not.

The song on my mind when I received this vision was, Ironic.

My interpretation of this song message is that it is likely that by the time I die I will finally want to live.

That would be very ironic.

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Dreams Suggest New Path

On what an emotional week! Thankfully, the emotion seems to be settling down a bit, specifically the grief and anguish. Yesterday, after writing a post in my other “secret” blog specifically about grief and depression I stumbled upon more than one post by an astrologer about Chiron at 29° Pisces. Turns out this specific degree is churning up Karma, patterns, beliefs and all kinds of junk for processing and release.

I have Chiron in Taurus and have often been given a heads up by my guidance about Chiron the “wounded healer”. I have come to dislike him greatly over the years. It seems like when Chiron is around I am in despair or anguish to the point of feeling as if I am being gutted. Thankfully, this time, the “gutted” feeling was less because most of the pain that came up for release had been processed in 2016-2017. So this time around I mainly needed to acknowledge the grief, that I was suppressing it and pretending to be okay when in fact I am not okay.

I’ve also been able to get a bit more sleep. Last night I took a full Benadryl prior to bed when I normally take only half or take a Melatonin. Since my problem is frequent waking I figured a little more Benadryl might keep me asleep. It worked like a charm! I only woke once and it was nearly 5am! Yay! As a result I feel so much better this morning. Rested and calm compared to how I’ve been waking over the past couple of weeks.

Surprisingly I also remembered my dreams in more detail than I have been. 🙂 Maybe they will provide a bit of insight with some interpretation? Let’s see…

Dream: White SUV

In this dream I recall being in a car lot or parking lot (pause on path, new direction) with some family members. I was showing them my new car. We walked along a row of parked cars and I pointed to it. It was a white (purity, spirituality, innocence), Toyota-Highlander-looking SUV (goals in life have changed) only it had a very obvious pop-up camper (desire for independence) type thingamajig where the back seats should be. When I looked inside I recall being very satisfied with it.

Afterward we left and then returned to the SUV to drive it home. There was another similar looking SUV parked about two cars down from mine. I accidentally went to it first and then realized it wasn’t mine (possible alternate path). The pop-up part was distinctly different, extending up higher. I then noticed my SUV’s interior lights were all on and every single door left open. I rushed up to it and said, “Who’s been in my car? Someone left all the doors open. The battery (loss of energy/motivation) is going to die! Why did the parking attendant let them do that?” The “them” in this case felt like children, like my children. I quickly shut all the doors and hoped that I wouldn’t have to replace the battery before I had even driven it home for the first time. I recall thinking poorly of the car lot at that time as well.

Dream: Limo Trip

The dream shifted and I was heading with a group out to a work and/or religious gathering. I recall being inside a large vehicle, like maybe inside a limo (wealth, prosperity). It was dark and the seats were facing each other. I remember being anxious and the drive seeming to last a long time. My SIL moved to sit close to me and began to run her fingers lightly up and down my spine (maybe Kundalini related). It felt wonderful and I relaxed into it and thanked her.

Not much later my SIL motioned to me to follow her. She headed toward a back seat that I had not seen. She crawled through a small opening and I followed. The space opened up and I found myself on a very long black, leather seat. My SIL was sitting and waiting for me and I said to her, “Wow! There’s really a lot of space in here!” The seat was so long that we could both lay down on it comfortably. I could see another seat behind us as well but no one else was in there with us.

I assumed my SIL wanted to continue the back rub but I sensed something was different. When I looked up she was not my SIL anymore but resembled my best friend from high school. For some reason I understood that this encounter was meant to help me and a recent dream experience I had repeated. Again I saw very clearly this woman’s vagina. Rather than feeling awkward, this time I knew exactly what to do and so did not hesitate. Whatever I did to her felt to be happening to me. It was very strange!

Then, back at the gathering, I recall seeing many circular tables (wholeness) in the room, all with white tablecloths. Awards (success) were being given out but I can’t recall what kind or to who.

Next, I was in the bar area/kitchen (spiritual nourishment and healing) and noticed quite a mess of dishes and other things that needed cleaning up (healing). Someone was there but not cleaning it up so I opted to clean it myself. This is odd because I knew it wasn’t my mess yet I immediately went to cleaning it. Also, the mess was not just dishes yet I cleaned them as if they were. I took the things (can’t remember them now), rinsed them with water (cleansing, emotion) and then placed them in the refrigerator. In my mind the refrigerator (accomplishment of what was sought or putting something on hold) was a dishwasher so when I finally realized it was a fridge I was surprised. I recall that the inside was clean, white, and nearly empty. When I placed things inside I arranged and organized them.

There was someone with me at the time that I was talking to but I can’t recall who.

Considerations

My overall feeling from these dreams is good. The SUV dreams seems to indicate that I am seeking independence on my path. Cars = one’s path in life. An SUV in particular has plenty of room for others, specifically family. So, my interpretation is that I want to keep my family in my life but also want my independence. The white color feels good to me – optimistic. The fact that this SUV is my “new car” and was just purchased (based upon it being in a car lot) suggests I am switching paths/direction in my life. However, I have some fears, specifically “battery life” in that I worry I will not have enough energy/resources because of my responsibilities to my children.

The next dream indicates healing of my feminine. It is interesting that it continues another dream experience that was much more lucid than this one and left me questioning the purpose of it. In this dream it completes and I seem to be accepting that this other woman is me. I seek to give her pleasure and as such receive pleasure myself. It feels now to have been about self-love and self-acceptance.

The end of the dream feels like continued healing and perhaps an inventory of what I have accomplished and what healing I still have left to do. Considering how empty the fridge is, it seems to indicate not much has been put on hold for later healing and resolution.

 

 

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Heal

Yesterday was a pretty good day overall. I think going into work (meaning to the office) boosts my morale a bit. It does help to be around people and switch up one’s routine. That is why I like my job schedule so much right now. I have a good balance between work and home, not 40 hours in the office plus commute time. My ideal is working part-time anyway, at least since my family responsibilities escalated after having children.

I continued watching “Heal” last night and enjoyed it quite a bit. It was a good reminder of how one’s thoughts influence their overall state of being. I was reminded to listen to my body, rest when I need to rest, eat when I need to eat, and spend more time relaxing my body and finding my center.

All in all, considering how depressed and overall pessimistic I have been all my life, I am surprised I do not have some kind of chronic condition or illness by now. Honestly, I have rarely, if ever, considered myself happy and have always found it difficult to relax and let go. If one can’t get to that healing state of relaxation then their chances of self-healing diminish quite a bit. Perhaps I am more relaxed than I think? Or maybe, for me at least, when the stress became too much, the Kundalini came in and forced me to listen? I did feel pressure to drop certain life habits in order to relieve the stress I was feeling.

There was this one section in “Heal” that really spoke to me. One of the healers mentioned that forgiveness was very important. Not forgiveness of others, but of self, because when we forgive ourselves then we let go of the negative emotions we hold against others. I was reminded to really look at what I was feeling, rather than ignore or suppress it. This is what my guide was trying to tell me the other morning – my emotions are the key; they communicates my wounds.

The problem with emotion is that most of us are not taught how to handle it by our parents. We use them as a living example of how to handle emotion. If they suppress it, so will we. It becomes habitual and part of the subconscious programming of the mind that runs on autopilot while we live our day. My mom suppressed her emotion, so did my dad. I learned that sadness, tears, vulnerability = weakness. Often times I did not know why I felt the way I felt, I only knew to shove it deep down.

So, for me at least, if can be difficult to interpret the emotion I am feeling at any given moment. If I feel sad or teary during my daily life, I often shove it down rather than stop what I am doing and really look at it. The key is take a time out and listen to the emotion and let it tell me why it is there.

After all this information, I went to sleep requesting healing and imagining a healthy, well-functioning body.

Dreams

I ended up with two in-depth dreams.

In the first, a boyfriend from long ago was invited to a family gathering. He was my first boyfriend after my divorce and the one who I was with during my spiritual awakening in 2003. I remember being surprised he was there and that he was married with a small daughter because the last time we communicated he made it clear that he judged people who married and had kids as stupid sheep.

The wife was very strong-willed, blunt and a bit controlling. She wasn’t mean, just very take charge. I recall that my ex-boyfriend allowed her to do this, which was also surprising to me. I remember asking him questions about her answering for him. They had moved to Kentucky from a more northern state (Illinois I think).

There were more details but most are lost to me now. I think there was something about hunting and fishing involved. I do recall mailing my ex a letter with a gift inside which was a ticket to run a race in Kentucky only there was something wrong with the registration.

The next dream was really odd. I was sitting at my computer talking to someone, a guide I think. Then I would put my finger on my third-eye and press. This would transport me into the computer screen and another world where humans were being transformed into these soft, gelatinous globs that were no longer hindered by emotion. It felt like everything that was human about them was dissolved.

There was a whole section where I felt like this other dimension was trying to steal my children and transform them into zombie-like blobs of gel. I shift in and out of this dimension to retrieve them, each time contacting a feeling of Divine bliss during the shift.

At times I walked the hallways of the space where they were holding the people ready to be converted. Most of the rooms I went into were empty but sometimes I would encounter the ones responsible for converting the people into globs of gel. They looked human and were very nice and inviting. The children and adults they had were willing to go through the transformation which involved dissolving their humanity. One minute they looked human, the next glob-like with eyes and mouths and hands and feet.

At the end of the dream I entered into the space and found people I knew all willingly there. It felt like my consideration that the transformation was bad had faded and been replaced with acceptance.

Interpretation

I highly doubt my ex in the first dream was my ex. It is likely I was talking to a guide that resembled him in some way or that we were discussing my past around the time I was dating him. I don’t remember enough now to interpret it’s meaning, though.

The last dream is the most vivid. I believe it centers around my own transformation and beliefs related to it. There is a resistance to letting go of my emotions and feelings and becoming a “blob” and losing my humanity. The computer is a communication with my guides and High Self. I am able to shift myself into another dimension to observe by touching my third-eye (insight, intuition). I do this frequently and recall briefly feeling bliss when shifting from one dimension into the other. The bliss then results in me seeing the blob people and I retract from the scene and pull my children to “safety”. In the end, I change my mind because my children are unharmed and the transformation appears to be positive.

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Physical and Emotional Purging

Sometimes I am surprised about how suddenly a decision comes to me. For example, this morning, I woke up deciding I would delete certain apps/social media accounts. It feels like I need to and I have already posted on one of the social media apps – Strava – that I will be deleting my account. The next will be Instagram and Twitter. These apps tend to take up too much of my time and do not do anything for me, really. I look at my phone more because of them (well not Twitter) which takes me away from the goings on around me such a my kids, family and work.

I will likely keep FB, I am not very active on FB anyway but I may remove the app from my phone, though, in order to keep the distractions to a minimum.

So, very soon, I will be close to social media silence compared to what I was. I’m not sure what I will do with my freed up time. As it is, I am struggling with the last hours of the evening (6-9pm). It seems the evening hours never end. I am horribly bored! I use to have this issue before I met my current husband. I would get home from work, eat dinner and prep for the next day and then have nothing to do for the remainder of the evening. I remember my nightly routine consisted of taking a muscle relaxer and smoking pot to numb myself from the stark reality that was my then-life. No close friends, no hobbies, no interests other than my evening run or an occasional swim. This routine lasted a good six months until I decided I had to stop avoiding life and confront it. My first lesson was awful insomnia caused by a reliance on pot and muscle relaxers to get to sleep. Yuck!

Maybe I will just have to get back to reading books and doing more yoga to fill my time. I have no interest in being social. I’ve never been too good at it and people tend to exhaust me. Even when I use to be more social (waaaay back in 2003-2005) I often had to force myself to go to social gatherings and usually ended up sitting there thinking, “When can I go home?”

I find myself back to wondering, “Is this it?” when it comes to my life. I don’t have a bad life, either, I’m just bored as hell. Why do I get bored so easily? I am tired of seeing the same surroundings, doing the same things, eating the same foods (all foods really), thinking the same thoughts and so on and so forth. Yet when I think of what to do to change things up I lose interest in trying. I feel like I’ve done it all already.

Purging

With all the above purging going on on the outside, some inner work and purging is going on on the inside. Though I don’t remember most of my dreams these days, I have been waking up in tears again, though nothing like in the past. Here is an example from a week ago:

January 27, 2019

I had lots of dreams but only recall a couple.

In the first I was braiding my hair. It was pulled back in a ponytail and I braided a long braid but then had to redo it because one strand of hair was left out. The second time I braided it, though, my hair looked like braided yarn, like a Cabbage Patch doll or something.

Then I was waiting for the school bus. The bus was late and when it arrived the driver informed everyone that the route was going to change so the stops and times would be different. I remember being on the bus and talking to others on it, all high school aged boys and talking about my time as a teacher of kids in the alternative education system and how it prepared me for difficult people and situations.

Then I was with a woman in the back yard of a house. There were two young children, a boy and a girl. As I watched them their story was relayed to me as if background information to what I was seeing. Their family was very poor and the children often did not eat all day. The parents both worked very hard and all day so the kids were left unsupervised until after dark. The father was an alcoholic so much of the money he made went to his drink. The mother was very angry and resentful of her situation and life in general and was not very loving at all to her kids. In fact, she treated them as if they were a burden to her.

I watched as the two children picked apples from a tree. The little girl looked very sad and I tried talking to her to cheer her up but she seemed not to hear me. The woman with me said that the apples were all they had to eat all day and that they had to pick them or else be beaten and go hungry. Some apples were hard to reach and so I offered to climb the ladder to get them. When I picked them the backside of the green apple was rotten. There were two more, both seeming to have partially grown into the tin roof of the house. When I pulled them off one was rotten and the other was not. There were some other apples I could not get to and had to leave on the tree.

Then the woman and I decided to buy the family pizza to help them out. We went inside and sat down. The woman ordered the pizza and when it arrived set it in the middle of the living room table. I remember looking into my wallet and seeing a $50 bill. I was surprised and suggested we give it to the family so their children could have food but then I knew if I gave it to the parents they would not buy food but more alcohol.

We waited for the parents to arrive, which they did much later. The mom came in first, dressed in her work clothes and in a rush. Her energy was very off and I tried to look inconspicuous to avoid the onslaught of her frazzled energy. The woman with me said, “Look we got you pizza.” The woman took a slice and ate it talking about something else and completely ignoring the gift but acting like it was owed to them.

She went outside and I overheard her talking to her husband as he arrived about the pizza gift. She was very controlling and insisted he treat the gesture as a kind of gathering or event. Then they both came in and I mentioned the pizza and she said something about all of us having cheese cake. I looked and saw the father had a huge cake. They ignored the pizza and us and focused on the cake which upset me because I knew the wife had told her husband to buy the cake so they would not look to be in need. He had spent all their money on a cake which would not be nourishing to the kids just so they looked like they didn’t need our help.

The mother went up to my friend and thanked her for the pizza but completely ignored me. This angered me and I said something about how I was the one who bought the pizza and that she should be grateful that we cared enough to help. I said, “I won’t be doing this again.” My anger turned into compassion and then grief as I said to her, “I know you’re a good person.” I then walked over to the husband who was sitting at the table completely out of it and drunk. I put my hand on his shoulder, tears pouring out of my eyes, and said to him, “Especially you. I know you are good.” When I said this he turned to look at me, completely unaware of his surroundings and so drunk that he had no idea who I was or what was going on. I was overcome with emotion at the situation and began to sob uncontrollably.

Interpretation

When I woke up my pillow was completely soaked. The grief I felt was for the children. It felt so unfair that they should have to endure that life, a life without love. And then I grieved for the parents, too, who were selfish and “asleep”. Then I grieved for the world and all humanity because I knew that was a reality for so many. I remember thinking to my guide, “Why??”

When I remembered the dreams before the last one I knew the braiding of my hair was preparation for what was to come. Braids = courage. The school bus is a lesson and another preparation. I was saying I was prepared because of my time working with certain populations of kids. Then the lesson is about the suffering of the world. The green apples are about love or love that has yet to blossom. The rotten apples indicate neglect and carelessness. The parents then chose selfish indulgences (cake) over wholeness and abundance (pizza).

These kinds of dreams always leave me feeling depleted inside. My heart cannot contain my grief at the state of humanity. I try to convince myself in the dream that they are “good” people and do not intend harm but their lack of awareness is painful to watch, especially how it affects their children.

Then last night I was crying in my dreams again.

I was in a classroom (lessons). I went in to visit my mother (aspect of self) and took over her class for a while acting as a substitute. The elementary aged children began to come into the class and were milling about. I walked among them and noticed they were all sitting on the floor drawing pictures on the white tiles. I asked them to wipe away their drawings and mentioned that it was good they did not use permanent (something with long-lasting affect) markers. The kids didn’t know what those were so I described what they were in a kind of mini-lesson.

Then a physically challenged man came into the room with an assistant and sat down in a desk that had walls around three sides (feeling caged in). I spoke with him and he explained that he could have had surgery to fix his ailments (can’t recall what is was now) but he chose not to because he wanted to remain whole and himself. He seemed quite grumpy to me, though, and as I spoke to him more something caused me to tear up and I began to cry.

Later in the dream, I was speaking to my “mother” about her teaching and how she loved her students. I recognized I had the same love for mine and began to sob uncontrollably. It woke me up but I fell back to sleep soon after.

Then I was in a car (life path). It was dark (can’t or unwilling to see) and my husband was driving. He stopped at a pharmacy (healing) and I lingered in the car, tired and sick, with my children. I remember knowing I was late because I overslept. I waited as my husband talked with the pharmacist to get an old prescription I had for congestion filled. Eventually, I went inside with the kids to check on things because it was taking a long time. The pharmacist, who looked like my OB-GYN from when I had my babies, handed me pinkish colored pills (love) in packaging. I could see there were about 10 pills. I thanked her, saying, “I knew I had an old prescription still.” She told me to take two and to see my doctor if I still felt bad.

Throughout these dreams I was talking with someone behind the scenes. I only recall bit and pieces of the conversation and certain energetic sensations. There was a message about having “work done”, like a procedure, and I remember seeing someone getting heart surgery. I watched as they used a staple gun to suture up flesh and bone around the chest cavity. The man was awake while they did this, too. It was really weird!

When I woke up my throat was full of congestion and I have been coughing a bit this morning.

Depression, Anxiety and Containment

Lately I have been feeling a type of depression that really worries me. It is really dark and hopeless. It is not the decimated feeling that I had in 2016. It feels more like actual depression but it is different than the depression I have managed all of my life. There is this inner panic or anxiety that really concerns me. It feels like there is someone inside me clawing to get out, panicking to free themselves from the cage that is me, or at least the me I project outwardly to others. I restrain her but when I do it makes me feel energetically unwell, like I am going to break into a million pieces if I do not let her out. Similar to the decimated feeling, there is a sense that I am going to literally cease to be if this part of me is let out. I believe this depression stems form the feeling I was having back in December where I was feeling energetically sick to the point that I felt at any moment I would lose my mind and do something really out of character to the point of insanity.

I don’t like feeling this way. It is the sense of losing control that does not sit well with me. I believe the mild anxiety and panic attacks I’ve been having go along with this feeling of losing control. Every time I get in the car now I have to fight off anxiety arising from thoughts that somehow what I am experiencing isn’t real but a dream and I will leave my body at any moment or lose consciousness in the middle of rush hour traffic. The thoughts always precede the panic and I know how to control them, and I do but it is exhausting.

The thoughts I tend to have are, “This intersection looks like that intersection (the one I use to always have panic attacks at)” followed by, “What if I have a panic attack? What if I pass out?”. Then I have flashes of these things happening and the panic sets in and all I want to do is turn the car around or find a place to park or jump out of the car and run away.

When I go for runs it is similar. The other day I ran a different route with my dog, thinking it would be nice but feeling uneasy regardless. I had to stop mid-way because I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe and began to get light headed. Again, the thoughts preceded the panic. I think things like, “OMG, I am having trouble breathing. My heart rate is high. What if I pass out and no one knows how to contact my kids? How will they know I’m okay? Who will tell them?” I end up having to walk it out to calm down and the farther I run from my home, the more likely I will have a panic attack. I have started to take my phone with me when I run, just in case I do pass out and they need to contact a family member.

I have never passed out on a run. I have never passed out in the car. In fact, I’ve never passed out in my entire life. Ha!

The only thing I can figure from all the above is that I am at a point where I cannot ignore certain things. The more I ignore or deny them, the more depression and anxiety will result. My best bet at this time is to seek help with identifying and confronting the underlying issues, whatever they may be. In the past, I have done this by going into session, but I don’t know if this will be feasible.

I worry (yes ugh) that I will end up being unable to contain the me that is inside clawing to get out. She scares me for some reason. I don’t know why. She can’t be that bad. She is me, after all. Yet, the sense is that if she gets out my life will fall apart at the seams. The problem is that I don’t know what she wants. The not-knowing is what is scary. I don’t think I can know until she is let out. So it comes down to two options: 1. Keep her contained and continued to struggle with the above conditions escalating. or 2. Let her out and see what all the fuss is about.

by

Call Me Yin

This week has been exhausting for me. My husband left Sunday morning for L.A. and then flew to Florida yesterday. He will be gone at least two weeks, maybe longer. If he does come home in two weeks he will leave again after a day or two and be gone another four to six weeks.

So, for a long while I am a single parent. Yay for me.

Right now my biggest complaint is having to wake early and get my two oldest on the bus. This was my husband’s duty before and I enjoyed another 30-60 minutes of sleep/dozing in the morning which is what I prefer. Now just because I am aware that I have to wake early I usually wake up at 5:30am despite not having to be up for another hour. It is very frustrating. Cursed internal clock!

It doesn’t help that my sleep is just not very good right now in general. I sleep deep maybe 4-5 hours a night and then very light the rest of the time with frequently waking.

Thankfully, my job allows me freedom in that I can work from home and get most of my work done. I still work from home the first two days of the week and now, with my husband gone, rather than get to work by 8:30am I come in an hour later and the leave at least an hour before the end of the work day to avoid traffic. I work from home in the mornings to fill in the gaps of missing time and get in my 40 hours a week.

My job is now growing in responsibility. I was informed yesterday that I will be added to the company bank account so I can sign checks. This is a BIG deal and something I do not take lightly. I already print the checks but have to get my boss to sign them. My boss will also be handing over the monthly financial planning duties soon because she will be gone the entire month of March. I am not exactly excited about all this but don’t doubt I can handle it. It may mean I can’t work from home as much as I like, though. 😦

Dreams and Other Things

I’ve been a bit depressed over not having the active dreamtime I am use to. I look forward to my sleep and the experiences that often come with it. But when things are slow or my recall nil I begin to feel a distinct vacant feeling within. I requested assistance last night prior to bed, and despite frequent waking, was given what I asked for.

I had several dreams, most not significant enough to document. There was one where I was seeking to remove a twin bed from a room and replace it with a double. I find this symbolism significant. After I had my first heart connection the twin beds theme came into my dreams. I saw it as symbolic of the “twin flame” idea because there were always two twin beds in the same room, one mine and the other someone else’s. So, to replace the twin bed with a double suggests I am moving forward or making progress, perhaps letting go of the idea of seeking out another to feel whole.

After this dream I had an entire dream sequence where I was in my grandparent’s house trying to sleep in a double bed with my husband. My kids were making too much noise and then music was playing. I should have realized the music was noises-off, indicating I could go OOB but I didn’t. I was just too tired. In the dream I realized my current neighbors were living in my grandparent’s house and we were keeping them awake with our noise so I got up and left, taking my family with me. Outside, we ran into a couple who was fostering so many kids that I lost count. They were picking up bags of seed (continuity of life, preparation) and loading them into trucks (work). So weird!

yinyang

Aliens in my Contacts

One dream in particular was quite odd. In it I was preparing to leave with a man but was a bit late. At the last minute I opted to change sweaters (protection). I intended to grab a Lynyrd Skynryrd sweatshirt and ended up with a sleeveless, very light long-sleeved shirt.

Then I was putting in my contact lenses (refers to “sight” or “vision”). I put in the right one (feminine) but when I went to get the left (masculine) one it did not look right. I was a sphere of liquid filled with alien-like (the unknown) creatures. The man with me told me they needed to regenerate (healing) and to wait a bit. I remember seeing the creatures swimming around inside the sphere and thinking I would not put that in my eye.

Eventually it was time to put the contact in. It looked normal then and so I attempted to put it in my eye but it would not go in and when I looked it returned to a sphere with the creatures swimming inside.

Then I was laying down and a woman was massaging my feet (one’s foundation and understanding) with lotion. It felt really wonderful and I relaxed into it. My entire body felt warm and tingly. I remember being spoken to by a male at this time. He was telling me things that were to come. Unfortunately, I became too lucid and cut the conversation with my overly analytical mind. This is what I recall him saying to me:

You will pierce the veil soon.

I will suffer an act of infidelity by you (then he said something like, though that cannot really happen now can it?)

I began to get lucid at this point, though still in the in-between.

I asked, “What is your name?” He said, “Call me Yin.”  

Of course I began to wonder what all the messages meant. I knew Yin represents the female or passive part of the Yin-Yang symbol. So, why was the masculine voice saying asking me to call him the feminine? Or maybe it was not meant that way at all and just a name? Then I couldn’t help but wonder what he meant by the infidelity part. I will “cheat on myself” perhaps? Hahaha Piercing the veil just means something once unknown will become known. I recall him saying to me that I will Know and once I Know I cannot un-Know. This may be a warning and I understand if it is.