In the early morning hours of the 28th of February, my coworker with lung cancer that metastasized to her brain, passed away peacefully in her sleep. She was 70 years old.

I knew that she had passed when I woke that morning. No one needed to tell me. I had struggled to fall asleep as it was and didn’t finally sleep until around midnight. My boss had talked with me briefly on the the phone earlier that evening and told me she had been asleep for over 24 hours and the hospice nurse had informed her that it would be any time. So my boss went to be by her side and sent the nurse home. She sat with her until she passed and has since been making all the arrangements.

Her funeral is the morning of March 8th, the same day my husband and I leave for Hawaii. It will be difficult to catch our flight but we plan on attending, staying a short bit, and then catching our flight to San Fran and on to Honolulu.

Though I am sad to lose my friend and coworker, I am more jealous that she gets to move on and be free of the burden of life. I always feel that way when someone passes away. And I really don’t want to go to the funeral. Funerals are for the living, not the dead, and I feel no reason to be there in person nor do I want to view a vacant body in a casket.

Calm

The night before last I felt a lightening of the energy, like a small amount of weight lifted from me. With it I remember saying to myself, “Something good is coming.” Nothing yet has occurred but the entire day I felt calm and relaxed.

The commute to work was uneventful and easy – like it is suppose to be. No anxiety or panic. In fact, I had an instance where it was quite surreal. A song came on I had never heard before – Have You Ever by Brandy.

The lyrics made me think of my physical counterpart briefly and in a good way. I did not react with tears or grief but instead felt quite pleasant. And as the chorus was playing I pulled up behind a large semi-truck and noticed the license plate was from Tennessee. Laughing to myself, I recognized the synchronicity of it. Not long after, other songs played in succession, that seemed altogether to be a message and by the time I arrived at work I felt relief and even joy. I remember thinking that maybe, just maybe, I had made it through the panic and despair to the other side.

Unfortunately, my stomach started bothering me toward the end of the day and I left early (again) and went home. The rest of the evening went smoothly but I was bored and passed the time watching videos on FB and in a hurry to get to sleep. I have gone through periods in my life like this where I can’t wait to get to bed each night and wish the days would just hurry up and pass. Sleep is my vacation and I very much wish I could sleep away my life at times.

Dream: Paper Sheets

I met up with my best friend who appeared to be the one from high school but at times another from later in my life. She had recently moved into her own apartment and was feeling really down and out so I had come to visit and offer my support.

When I arrived at her apartment I was trying to remember what it looked like and memories from waking reality were going through my mind. Inside, I found my friend and we talked a while. She told me she left her husband and was working a job during the day as a waitress. I remember mentioning half of my time was volunteer work and that I need to ask for money in return. I saw myself as a part-time tutor and briefly it seemed like my best friend was me.

My friend made just enough money to get by. I recognized that she was making her situation out to be worse than it was. She was doing just fine. She was sad and a bit down but I pointed out that if she held on she would get through the hard part. I saw her working and later upgrading to a nicer place and better pay. I saw her smiling and self-confident. She couldn’t see any of this, though, and continued to be sad.

It felt like I would be spending the night. I sat on a bed and my friend came and sat next to me holding something. She said, “I made this for you.” It was a long, green vine that was very long and twisted, with pink flowers and a small bird’s nest attached to the end. She showed me the nest and said, “It’s a nest for you.” I took the gift and looked closely at the nest and thanked my friend.

We then kissed one another and embraced. We kissed for a long time until my friend pulled away. I apologized but she was okay with it. I then asked her if she ever considered us to be more than friends. She said she had but she did not want to explore that possibility then and there. She was overwhelmed with life and the complications of it.

Suddenly, the front door swung inward with a burst of wind. My friend ran up to close it and said it was broken. I noticed it was swollen from water damage and that its hinges were rusted completely off. I pushed with all my might and secured it in the frame but huge gaps were visible and it could fall off any minute. I told my friend she should get management to fix it. She said it was like that when she moved in.

I went back to the bed where I would be sleeping for the night. Scattered across it were various square sheets of paper of various colors. I remember thinking it odd they were there as I curled up to sleep. I thought, “Paper sheets – ‘bed sheets’ of paper”. I kept looking at the door worried it would fall down but it never did.

Interpretation

When I woke up my lower abdomen was tender as if I had been receiving healing in dreamtime. The dream was vivid in my memory and I wondered about it. It is obvious that the “best friend” is a version of me. I can’t help but think she represents a potential path or part of myself that feels uncertainty about the future.

The most vivid dream symbol is the bed and the colorful, thin paper sheets all over the bed. Sheets in general represent the covering of unconscious and/or intimate feelings. Paper indicates a choice is about to be given to me in waking life. Being there are many pieces of different colored paper, it could represent all the various choices available to me. The paper is partially see-through, like tissue paper for a gift. So, perhaps, I am being shown potential parts of a “gift” or selecting what goes along with a gift. It is hard to say. The see-through aspect indicates I am getting a glimpse of the unconscious.

The door could represent access either being blocked or opened. The door is warped, meaning it was exposed to large amounts of water. Water = emotion. This indicates that emotion is hindering access in some way. The hinges are rusted and broken. Hinges represent the link between the spiritual and physical. I mention that the door needs to be repaired and worry the door will fall down. This suggests that I fear what is being kept out by the door. There is something on the other side I do not want to let in. This in itself represents my own blocking of something unwanted, but likely needed for healing.

It could also be that my “door” is broken from too much emotion and is causing me to struggle to maintain the balance between the spiritual and physical. Subconscious issues are seeping through and I am unable to differentiate between past and present emotion.

The next most memorable symbol is the vines with a nest made for me by my friend. A nest is protection, feeling at home, comfort and new opportunities. Vines represent ambitions, thoughts and/or ideas. They can also represent a clingy relationship. Pink represents unconditional love and nurturing.

Based upon this dream symbolism it seems I am being shown the source of the problems I have been having with anxiety, panic and overall “energy sickness”. There is too much emotion. So much that it is affecting my ability to maintain balance and manage the flow of emotion (the door won’t shut all the way). This emotion overload could be related to my heart being just too wide open or it could be the result of my refusal to confront and heal what it coming up. The positive side to this is my openness to loving myself which is evident in my embracing my friend in the dream and asking her to reciprocate.