I know I’ve been more quiet than usual. Lots of upheaval going on, mostly within me but some without. Thus far I would say that 2019 is very similar to 2017, which was one of my worst years in this life to date. I don’t know how the rest of 2019 will pan out but I hope it gets better because I am really struggling.

After returning from Hawaii it took me a while to feel normal again. I struggled with depression and was an emotional roller coaster. Around the 17th of March things started to get a little better. My body was back to Texas time and I was waking, sleeping and eating on a normal schedule. This helped with my emotion somewhat but not completely. I was still experiencing down periods in the evening.

Two nights ago as I was settling down to sleep I heard my guidance say to me, “Welcome back.” I’m not sure exactly what they meant but I have felt not quite right for some time now, so it could be that they were acknowledging that I was balancing out. Then during sleep that night I experienced two awakenings which were odd in that I felt an uneasy sense of being sucked back into my body quite suddenly. Energetically I have felt it before and so it was not completely unfamiliar, but like the times before it was confusing and disorienting. It almost feels as if someone or something forces me back into my body or even like my energy replaced another energy, if that even makes sense.

Dream Mix

This morning I had a lucid dream which was nice since my dreams have been weird and hard to recall for some time now. I slept in almost until 9am, which is also unusual but was much needed I think.

The dream began with me aware of being curled up in blankets (protection). Some root chakra work was being done on me and I recall talking to my physical counterpart. An entire dream scene materialized out of our conversation. I saw him waking from a long sleep after being given leaves from a bush that had vines and berries on it. I remember he took a shower (cleansing and renewal) and I was with him, but beyond that my memory is a blur.

Then I became more lucid and immediately became aware of being in the passenger side of the car still curled up in blankets trying to sleep. The car lurched and I noticed my daughter was driving. I got up and asked her, “What are you doing? Why are we going this way?” We were heading down a three lane, divided highway toward an intersection (change, choice). I took over driving and slowed us down as we approached the intersection. There was a single, green light (message to “go ahead”) and a one way sign (only one option). A cop (protection) in an SUV flew through the intersection and stopped to monitor traffic. I turned left (use logic to make decision) into the one way traffic flow and then made u-turn. I was worried u-turns were not allowed so watched for the cop to follow. He never did.

I continued driving in the far right lane (intuition). I saw some shops set up along the road and knew I needed to move to the left. Before I could, though, I hit a wagon for one of the shops and pieces flew in all direction. One piece, a Lego (security, family, happiness), fell into my lap. I stopped and found myself with a group of kids at a field trip. My middle son was there playing with some kittens (female sexuality). He cradled one as he jumped onto a small, kid-sized train. I remember the teacher mentioning that one of the kittens had been killed by a Legos from the wagon I hit. I felt bad.

Then I was in an RV (responsibility, transition) with my mom. She was camped along a road in the middle of nowhere. She was wondering where everyone else was and I questioned her about whether or not she was in the right place. I saw a large sign on the ground, like for skydiving (leap of faith needed).  I said, “It looks like people skydive here.” She said it was for a local bike shop. I saw bikes (skill and balance needed) everywhere, then, coming out of the hillside, welded together like a sculpture. It was bizarre!

Someone came by and told us to move further down the road. I could hear the other people in RVs and so urged my mom to move. We parked further down the road and my mom got out saying she had to transplant her garden (union of Divine and physical, balance). She began to do so and I watched as she seemed to plant sticks. I asked her what they were but I can’t recall now what she said they were. She said the soil was heavy because of iron (something weighing me down) deposits. I kicked some a bit and it was very thick and heavy.

Considerations

I woke up feeling very good. I’m not sure why I felt good because the dream was so odd overall, but to have any energetic sensations after such a long time without was a nice treat.

The dream with my counterpart was curious. This is the second night in a row I have recall him being in my dreams but could not remember specifics. He sent a message the night before last asking me not to give up on love.

Still, though, I do not feel completely mentally stable. I have been feeling very unsafe, which is really not logical yet remains as a background feeling and is probably the source of the panic/anxiety. Most of this feeling stems from my relationship with my husband. I wonder sometimes who he is. His behavior can be erratic and unpredictable and in Hawaii there was an incident the night before we left that was concerning. We slept in the same bed at our hotel, which we haven’t done in almost 5 years now, and it was fine until that night. I couldn’t escape his energy by going to another room and his energy felt very angry which made it hard for me to sleep. I maybe got 3 hours of sleep that night.

There is an understanding that this is karma playing out somehow and I have been getting the message to stand my ground and stay strong. There are times, though, that I feel near mental collapse. Something is definitely going on within me at many levels. I can’t figure it out and so I don’t even try. I just try to shut it all down and numb myself as best I can. It isn’t working very well, though.