Another full night of dreams.

Dream: Death of a Father

I only recall the ending of this dream.

There was a river flooding but it was contained in a channel. I watched as workers sifted through the sludge. I was asking questions about the process. They called it “rafting” I think and I did not understand the word as I had never heard of it. It seemed the process consisted of taking an object across the water’s surface to clean it.

The water was choppy and rough. The color was brownish like sludge. Yet it was contained and no one seemed concerned about it.

A young woman was with me. She was Steve Irwin’s daughter. We were talking about her Dad’s death and how she wished she had known him better. I don’t remember the specific words now but at some point I empathized so much with her that I began to feel her grief. Tears poured out of my eyes. I could feel them on my physical body’s cheeks but this did not wake me. At the same time I remember holding a large, white pillow in my arms and squeezing it close to me for comfort.

At this point I became lucid. I had awareness of myself within the dream, my physical body and of being in the in-between. A conversation was taking place between myself and a guide about a decision I had made the night before about putting my children first no matter what.

The dream consisted of me watching video footage I had taken of my father when he was alive (I never did this in real life). I was playing it for my sister and explaining what it was. There was footage of him in San Francisco. There was also a movie I recorded as a reminder of him. There was more footage of various times near the ocean. I saw three large fish, like dolphins, walking on their tail fins toward the water. It was the oddest sight to see them walking and holding fins as if human.

As the video footage ended I remember thinking, “I should have taken more video.” Yet I knew no amount of video would have been enough.

While reviewing the video I was being asked probing questions about my decision to put my children first, even over my own wants/desires. The guide was asking me why I decided this. I told him I wanted their memories of their childhood to be good ones, for them to remember their parents as a team. I had resolved to just agree with my husband even when I did not if it was in front of the children. I had decided to give them as much of what they wanted as I could. I had decided that my desires lately have been selfish and to put them aside for my children. My guidance asked how well I thought I would provide all this for my children if I was unhappy. I told him, “Leave me alone.” lol

This brought me to full awareness. I opened my still wet eyes and wondered about the dream. The newness of my tears confused me because it seemed like much time had passed since I cried in my dream.

I fell into the in-between after that.

Messages

There is memory of being asked what I wanted. I remember telling my guidance what I have told them countless times. They asked me to reconsider reaching out to my physical counterpart. I told them I would not and to stop pushing me as I wondered why he was coming into my thoughts again after such a long time. I knew he had been “calling” me for the past few months. I remember wondering “why” again about the whole experience regarding him and feeling very discouraged.

That is when I received a vision of a hand-written letter. It was folded horizontally in half. I knew it was a thank you letter. I opened it and read it:

It’s been a difficult experience working with the team.

Thank you.

This was unexpected and brought me out of my reverie. I opened my eyes, reminded myself of what I said to remember it, and then closed my eyes again.

Then I heard:

You will experience unexpected love in three days.

I opened my eyes again, repeated it to myself and then closed my eyes. I tried not to think of what the message could mean.

Immediately I saw myself sitting in a wooden chair in the middle of an empty room. Ropes bound me to the chair. I watched as a pile of pillows was stacked around me like a barricade. I remember thinking, “I am bound but protected.”

Then I heard myself talking to a man wearing a sweatshirt, his face hidden by the hood. I was speaking in another language. I recall saying the word “diventar”. I opened my eyes immediately because it was so audible. I thought to my guidance, “Enough! I’m tired.” But after that I could not return to sleep. All the messages were cycling round and round my mind.

I Googled the word I said: Diventar  –  Italian, “to become”.

Considerations and Interpretation

I am mostly writing all this down to document it. It does me no good to try and analyze it all.

The dream is an odd one. I do not know why I dreamed of Steve Irwin of all people. Perhaps he was symbolic of my experience with my own father? Or maybe he represents my husband as a father to our children? Either way I felt loss and the dream later shifted to me trying to capture memories of my own father, but the memories were dream memories.

The flooded river of murky water being sifted through is most definitely me looking at and sifting through my muddy emotions. These emotions are contained and present no threat, but must me sifted through to find clarity.

The dolphin family was very unexpected. Dolphins can represent many different things but in this context it likely represents expression of emotion and spiritual guidance. It can also indicate future experiences containing joy and connection with others.

The whole experience of being in three places at once and having awareness of all three was a new one, but it did not feel out of the ordinary. My guidance was trying to get me to reconsider giving up things I desire/want for myself to create what I consider an ideal scene for my children.

I suppose the question remains: What would make my children most happy? A happy me? Or a me giving them a pretense of family happiness and togetherness? I look at my own childhood, broken by a bitter divorce when I was 8 years old, and I think, “I never want my children to go through that.” Sadly, I never got a mom and dad who loved and supported each other. I got fights, bitter arguments and parents who used me and my sisters to get back at each other.

The thank you message was nice, I suppose, but it didn’t help me feel better. Seeing myself bound to a chair surrounded by pillows was not very encouraging either.

Pillow can represent support. The pile of pillows around me was so high I could not see over it if I tried. So many pillows could mean a lack of awareness or that I am surrounding myself with comfort.

Being bound is more literal. I am bound to a situation. The chair represents the situation. It was not a comfortable chair, so not a comfortable situation.

Diventar likely is just an indication that I am becoming something; transformation.