Monthly Archives: August 2019

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Yoga for the Hips

I’ve been doing a self-created yoga practice almost every night now for over two weeks. My goal has been to open up my hips and increase hip mobility.

I’ve been doing some heavy weight lifting lately and noticed that my body is very stiff compared to what it was in 2012 when I last lifted heavy weights. I was not able to go to parallel on the squat anymore without major form issues (eek!). I also noticed my hips hurt at the hip crease (hip flexors) during the squat, which is not suppose to happen. My range of motion on deadlift was bad in 2012 and hadn’t change. The only way I could deadlift was to do the sumo variation because my hips were too tight. I felt really old and out of shape when I picked up weights again – neither of which is true!

Did you notice I used past tense in the above paragraph? That’s because I have resolved all my issues and I am pretty confident that it is because of yoga! No more hip crease discomfort during the squat and I am squatting 110lbs already. 🙂 I can get to parallel just fine, maybe even a little below now, too. And I am, for the first time ever, using standard deadlift form with ease even at 120lbs. Yay!

Spiritually speaking, my hips tend to be where I hold energy. I have lots of stuck energy there (2nd and 3rd chakras). Yoga helps break up and move that energy. So I am killing two birds with one (yoga) stone – spiritual blocks and physical ones. 😉

I figured I would share (and document) my self-made yoga practice in case anyone would like to try it. I will warn you, if you are a beginning, some of the poses are quite intense and will most definitely need to be modified. When I first started out I was modifying like crazy. Now, though, I need it less and less. The only pose I find myself really modifying now is the side lateral bend/revolved head to knee pose. I have tight lats and lower back so I can’t go very far. Definitely not head to knee! haha

Just an FYI – I am not a yoga teacher. I’ve never even taken a yoga class – well online but that doesn’t count does it? I am a NASM certified personal trainer with a CES  (Corrective Exercise Specialist) certificate, though.

Yoga to Open Hips
Approximate time 15-20 minutes
Yoga Pose List and image source

This entire practice is done seated. You may need a block or bolster/blankets, so have them nearby.

Start in Thunderbolt pose, sitting on your knees. You can put a pillow or folded blanket under you if you need support or your quads are tight.

Put your hands together in front of your heart and tilt your chin slightly down as if you are praying. Sit and breathe for six to eight breaths. This would be the time to set an intention.

Continue to sit in Thunderbolt. Lean forward and touch your head to the floor and fold your arms along your sides. If you can’t quite reach the floor, rest your forehead on your hands or a block. Take four to five slow breaths.

Move into half pigeon. Stay in this pose for 12 breaths. Repeat on the other side. Go as low as you feel comfortable.

Slowly sit up and take butterfly pose. I do this against a wall but you don’t have to. Bring your feet in toward your groin as far as you comfortably can. Hold your feet and relax, letting your knees fall out. Stay in this pose for as long as you can, aiming for 30 breaths.

Straighten your legs and move into a forward fold/bend. Only go as far as you comfortably can. Bend your knees slightly if you have tight hamstrings. Stay in this pose for 2-3 breaths.

Move into Half Shoelace. Keep your left leg straight in front of you, foot flexed. Take the other leg and fold it over the other at the knee, putting your heel up against your left thigh. Lean forward and touch your toes or go as far forward as you comfortably can. Take about 10-12 breaths. Repeat on other side.

Now move into full Shoelace pose, meaning the knees are stacked with feet on opposite sides of your hips. Lean forward and touch your forehead to your stacked knees if you can. Stay in this pose for 12-15 breaths. You can take Eagle Arms here if you like or Cow Faced Pose, both work with Shoelace pose.

Slowly come out of the pose and lay down on your back. Take Bridge pose and hold for 6-8 breaths. Feel free to clasp your hands in the middle, under your raised hips for a nice shoulder stretch.

Slowly come out of Bridge pose and take Happy Baby. If you can’t comfortable hold onto your feet then hold onto the backs of your knees. Hold for 10-12 breaths.

Bring both knees into your chest and hold for a couple of breaths then extend one leg and flex the foot while keeping the other knee up at your chest (Winding release pose). Hold 3-4 breaths then go into Revolved Abdomen pose for a nice back stretch. Hold 8-10 breaths. Repeat on the other side.

Slowly sit up and extend legs for Revolved Head to Knee pose (modified or unmodified). Hold each side for 5-6 breaths.

Finally, take child’s pose and relax for as long as you need. If you want to go into Savasana that is okay, too.

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Dream: Flat Eggshells

It has been an interesting week thus far. Working from home without my kids to distract me has been nice and quiet. Any down time I have has left me free to get chores done, which is nice. It has also allowed me to brainstorm a bit about possible changes I can make.

I researched QHHT, which I have done in the past, and played with the idea of booking a session. In the end, though, I realized that I have an expectation that would likely be unmet. I want to be told what to do, or at least remember some specifics about my life path to guide me toward making the right decision. This, I know intuitively will not be provided. QHHT is likely only to provide what I am capable doing on my own and have done previously. That which we most want answers for is usually something we have to figure out on our own because those things are the very lessons we came here to learn.

My struggle is, and always has been, figuring out what I want to do with the time I have left in this body. I end up filling my time with random things to keep me occupied and pass the time but it doesn’t fulfill me.

This morning I had a thought that next year, 2020, would mark the end of a phase for me. It feels like my quest for spiritual knowledge will be over, like all my spiritually profound experiences will stop. In considering this I thought about what that might look/feel like. My best guess is that things will return to how it was prior to my first spiritual awakening way back in 2002. To consider that makes me sad because I was completely lost, depressed and unfulfilled back then.

It could be that though a phase will end a new, better one will begin. It is hard to imagine, though, because I haven’t been there. It remains unknown. My tendency is pessimism. The worst possible outcome is easier to anticipate and less of a disappointment.

There continues to be a feeling that I am keeping a part of myself down. Suppressing it/her because she is destructive and harmful.

Dream: Flat Eggshells 

In the dream I remember searching for a woman (aspect of Self). I knew she would be in a special home, like a retirement home or a place for special needs people. The woman was not old nor did she have a disability. I am not sure exactly what her special need was but she could not care for herself, so maybe it was mental. I vaguely recall that she may have had issues with memory.

When I went to the retirement home I asked the residents if they had seen the woman. What was odd is that all the residents there were tucked into vertical pouches (protection, healing) that were hung from the ceiling in pairs. The pouches completely covered them to where only their head and shoulders were visible. They weren’t restrained but instead seemed to be comfortable all snug inside their pouches. I vaguely recall IV tubing (healing) leading from the people in the pouches to the ceiling.

I asked a resident if she had seen my friend. The woman, happy inside her pouch and swaying back and forth in it, said I should look elsewhere. She mentioned a woman who cared for people like my friend and told me where to look.

Somehow I ended up in the country visiting a quaint little house. I spoke with an older woman and she showed me around as she spoke to me about my friend. It seems my friend was there and being cared for but I never saw her. Instead, I remember a small cluster of brown chickens (cowardice) that were different from regular chickens. I want to say they were reject chickens and what I remember of them was that they stumbled around as if drunk (avoidance of something). One of the chickens, a rooster (complacency, need to face fears) I think, made a lot of noise and the woman showed me that he had produced some eggs (change, creativity) but the eggs were not eggs but a pile of flat, cream colored sheets of something. My thought was they were flat eggshells (comfort zone, fragility). The woman asked me to taste one. She handed it to me and it broke easily and had the feel and texture of chocolate. Even the taste was like white chocolate (not feeling valued). I spit it out, though, a bit grossed out that I was eating something that came out of a rooster’s butt.

Dream: Clearing My Throat

There was another short dream where I was in a school-like setting. My first memory is being in a bathroom. I kept coughing (something is keeping me from expressing myself), trying to dislodge something in my throat, but the cough never helped and the feeling persisted.

The bathroom (cleansing, renewal) counter was cluttered (lots to sort through). I recall looking for something but I can’t remember what. I think I was looking for a essential oil to help with my cough.

As I looked through the items, water (emotion) from the sink began to flood the counter. I grabbed a towel (attempting to wipe away feelings to make it like it never happened) and soaked it up but the sink kept spraying more water on it. I have a vivid memory of the water pooling in the corner and moving items around as I soaked it up with a white towel.

A woman came to help. The woman had in her hand a gun for giving shots (strength, protection). She was going to put the oil into the gun and shoot it into me but I don’t think she ever did. I mostly remember coughing and the sensation in my throat.

The last thing I remember is going into a large locker room (need time to recuperate). There were others with me. I think I became somewhat lucid here because the room was suddenly very vivid and I noticed how large and old the place was. I saw all the lockers (need for privacy, personal boundaries), the benches and the huge space and thought, “Why is it so big? It doesn’t need to be so big.” There were windows along the very top of the room and I remember thinking that a long time ago, like in the 1960s, the locker room was used by students and that many games were played, won and lost.

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Flashes/Visions

I had a couple of flashes or visions. In one, I was going into the bathroom but there was an issue with an orange, tabby cat, so I would go in. In another I saw a huge wave of grayish water with lots of froth. I do not feel they were positive issues. The first seems to indicate an issue with the feminine. The second is a symbol of messy emotions.

Music Message

This song was on my mind. Specifically, “’til you can breathe on your own…”

It feels like this part of me that is being suppressed is the small self or maybe a wounded part of me, like the inner child. She is constantly there, under the surface, screaming, crying, sad, depressed. She is the one who, if I listen to her, creates a kind of chaos in my mind that makes me feel like I am about to go crazy. I honestly don’t know how to manage her except to continue to do what I have been. My worry, though, is that she will eventually come out and I will be unable to stop her.

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Dream: Showing Myself

I had a nice, quiet, lazy day alone yesterday followed by 10+ hours of sleep last night which was greatly needed. It’s not often I get a full day and night to recuperate and I took full advantage.

The previous night’s lucid dream message returned to my thoughts around bedtime. So I asked my guidance to help me pinpoint my “joy”. The dream was obvious in indicating there was a well lit path via my joy and I don’t want to waste anymore time getting on it. The answer was provided before I shut my eyes but I was in a bit of denial. This morning, not so much, but I understand why I have been delayed as there is a lot of change involved….and courage.

Very few things have brought me consistent joy in this life. The first that always comes to mind is singing. I love to sing! Yet I have not done much of it since getting married and having children. When I was younger I wanted to become a professional singer. That way I could make money doing what I loved. That path didn’t pan out, though. It was made clear time and time again that I wasn’t good enough to earn the kind of living I wanted. So I decided to keep my singing to myself and follow the path suggested by everyone close to me: teaching.

I did find teaching enjoyable and fulfilling at times, but not consistently.

Then I had my spiritual awakening and everything changed. Never had I felt so passionate about something, not even singing! But the timing was off. The world hadn’t awakened yet and once again I didn’t have what it took to earn the kind of living I wanted.  So I gave up and once again took the logical, easier route – teaching.

And then teaching became a drudgery. It nearly destroyed me. So I quit and went another logical route – counseling. I made good money and had the stability and safety of a good job. But then that, too, did not fulfill me.

In the midst of a safe, stable counseling job I met the Kundalini and had yet another spiritual awakening. This one was – is – much more transformative than the first. And, like before, never have I experienced such joy…or passion.

So, prior to bed I recognized that of all the things I have done in this life, the only thing that consistently brings me joy is the spiritual and spiritual transformation via the Kundalini. Therefore, to follow my joy I need to explore the Kundalini more – go down that rabbit hole. I am not sure of the “how” yet, but I am working on precisely wording what it is I want the Universe to give me. When I have that perfected I will set the intention and see what it brings me.

Courage to change is not one of my strong points. I usually have to be forced to make difficult changes. I can’t say that won’t be the way it goes this time but hopefully I can avoid traumatic change and go the more gradual route.

Dream – Sleeping Bag

I was traveling down a country road with two girlfriends. We were searching for a new home. There was discussion along the way about how to go about maintaining the romantic three-way connection we had (refers to me and two others). I remember saying I felt uncomfortable with the idea and did not see it working out. At the time I had with me a sleeping bag (have to leave my comfort zone) that somehow ended up in a ditch (obstacle, feeling pressured, needing to get out of a bad situation) and was swept away by flood waters (high emotion).

We ended up camping (facing stress and pressure in life) in a nice spot. It was very green and had everything we needed (security, safety). I wanted to keep going because the spot was not what I had imagined our home to be like. I wanted mountains (spiritual journey) and there was none. The other two women were set, though, so we stayed.

Then we noticed a community of people already occupied the spot. It was a strange group which reminded me of the Amish. We encountered a group of the men trying to pull of a huge gourd vine full of mature gourds (abundance, prosperity). We watched them for a while and eventually revealed ourselves to them.

We were invited inside and I was shown a large green cloth. I realized straight away that it was my sleeping bag (have to leave my comfort zone). Inside the cloth was my folded up bag, completely dry!

For a while we all lived together and planted an impressive garden made of plants I have no name for. Everything flourished (personal and financial growth) but I was still searching for my ideal home. I told my girlfriends I was leaving.

I ended up outside a hotel (paradigm shift) in Georgia with a man who I knew to be my husband. I was thirsty so went to buy some soda. Two men came out of the hotel. One told me the machine was broken but offered to buy me two sodas (options). The other man stood to my left and just behind me. I got a creepy feeling from him, like he wanted to have sex with me, but he kept his distance.

I was given the sodas and asked for money to pay for them. I handed the man a $20 bill. He gave me back $10 and told me I could get the rest if I opened a checking account (investment needed) with them. I remember thinking I had just been scammed and considered just taking the loss.

I began to talk to the other guy about Virginia and Georgia. I told him I use to dream of meeting the man of my dreams who I called – my Virginia man. lol I also told him the same about a man in Georgia. I mentioned the man in Virginia was like Nicolas Cage but now that he was older he was like an old Nicolas Cage and not very attractive. I couldn’t recall who the man in Georgia looked like.

The last thing I remember is looking over and seeing the man who I knew to be my husband sitting on a black mat with several dumbbells (feelings of guilt or burden) around him. He looked to be counting them.

Dream – Showing Myself

This dream was almost lucid but I was so tired I never fully recognized I was dreaming.

It began outside my mom’s house. I was with some others – family I guess – and had a box in my hand. Somehow I realized I could float around on the box. The first time I went up quite high and told someone (probably my guide) to keep me closer to the ground. I then showed the others what I could do.

There was this small jet plane (feeling threatened), about six feet wide, that was coming in to attack my family. I remember it was blue and white and looked like something from the US military. I got on my box (it resembled a yoga block) and flew around hiding behind trees.

From up high I noticed someone up by the fence and flew up to him. He was dressed in military camo. I saw a group of cows (docile, need to belong) milling about in the road. I said, “Looks like someone’s cows got out.” The man nodded, not even noticing I was floating.

As I turned to leave I was once again on the ground. I tried to lift off and fell on my face. I walked with my mom and began to hop until I was once again able to fly. Suddenly fearless, I decided I wasn’t going to hide from the military and turned back toward the road which was now full of infantry men and women trying to round up the cows. I flew over them and they looked up. I felt triumphant.

Considerations

The first dream seems to be a typical dream where I am sorting through thoughts and feelings. The second dream is a usual lucid/OBE type dream where I am practicing doing something that in real life I struggle with. In this case it is confronting my fears despite repeatedly “falling down” (failure). There is fear of being seen coming up in the dream and a fear of being “caged” per the cows getting out.

It seems like fear in general is something I am working through. I’ve had a blockage in my solar plexus for quite some time and this is exactly where fear resides. The Kundalini has been forcing this fear to the surface. The worry and anxiety attacks are just a portion of how it manifests. Avoidance is another.

 

 

 

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Lucid Dream – Exit Point

Thankful the hectic week is over! Kids are all in school now. My youngest started Kindergarten and loves it. My middle child got to finally be in the same class as one of his best friends and my oldest made it through her first day of middle school unscathed. Today I get to be home alone to recuperate. My husband took the kids to a water park about an hour away. They probably won’t be back until 9-10pm. 🙂

I plan to get some things done and take my time about it. My sleep was interrupted at around 4am by strange noises in the driveway. Sure something bad was happening, I got up to investigate and I saw my MIL and my husband transferring her bags into our minivan. I had forgotten my husband agreed to take her and his brother’s entire family to the airport. My MIL had been frantic to park her car at our house instead of my BIL’s because she didn’t want her car sitting in the sun all week. She is convinced the sun will “rot” it (eyeroll WTF?). I had asked her to find another option because I knew the 4am transfer would wake me up. Sure enough, it did, and as I expected it caused me to lose at least an hour of sleep. 😦

When I finally did return to sleep I got an unexpected “lesson”.

Lucid Dream – Exit Point

The dream began with me in my bed hearing something going on in the front driveway. I got up and saw my MIL’s car parked in the driveway. It was disgusting, covered with filth. Then my youngest came screaming out of the front door because he thought I was leaving and never coming back. When I went to soothe him and take him back inside I saw that we were not at our own house. I began to walk to our house and found a bundle of keys on the driveway, keys to a Nissan Xterra. I went back and found another family outside packing up their car. I asked if the keys were theirs and they said they weren’t. As I went to go search for the owner, a small, blonde, naked and armless (inability to take care of ones self) child was there. I hugged her and noticed all the other children with her were deformed or mentally retarded in some way. I felt sympathy for them.

As I crossed into our driveway and looked around at the unfamiliar scene, I thought to myself, “This is not right. I must be dreaming.”

To test this out I decided to see if I could float or fly. I relaxed and my body floated upward and then I knew I was dreaming.

I flew down the road and encountered a little girl with blonde hair. She was trying to put on a necklace (conflict between head and heart) made of green, elastic material. I said, “Can I help you with that?” She said, “Yes”. I began to move her hair out of the way and tried to tie the necklace but it was too short and little pieces of hair kept getting in the way. I told her I couldn’t tie the necklace and she started to cry. The girl’s sister suggested I tie the necklace first and then have the girl step into it and pull it up to her neck. The sister showed me how and I thought it was a great idea (rising of Kundalini maybe?).

There is a brief memory here of standing in front of a mirror. I looked at my face and saw myself as I am now but maybe a bit younger. I smiled and then focused more on my image expecting it to morph because that is what usually happens in my lucid experiences. Rather than the image morphing into something else, certain features changed. My mouth got very small, making my cheeks appear larger. I remember knowing the shrinking mouth represented my “shrinking voice”.

My attention went elsewhere after that. I was talking to a guide I could not see. I remember thinking/saying, “What do I do now?” I felt completely hopeless and directionless and began to cry. As I cried the scene in front of me began to slowly turn black. The blackness was impenetrable and desolate. I knew that my emotions were creating it but I had no idea how to free myself from it.

Knowing I was dreaming I began to worry my crying would send me back to my sleeping body and wake me up. But it didn’t. Instead, I was asked to look into the darkness. I believe the words were, “Look for light in the darkness.”

I began to focus on the darkness and noticed it shifted and moved as if alive. Then a sliver of white light began to take shape in front of me. The light extended to form a line almost like a lightening bolt straight ahead. The more I focused, the more the light chased away the darkness to reveal the path ahead. I followed it.

I could see the end of the path way up ahead. It was quite far and uphill. All I wanted was to get to the end. I didn’t care what I had to do to get there.

The first place the path took me was to a water park (playfulness, enjoying life). I saw children playing in the water as I walked through. There were small walls (obstacles) I had to climb over but they were only about knee height. I spoke to the children and tended to them if they asked for help. 

Throughout all this I recall talking with a guide. At one point the scene vanished and all that was in front of me was an open book. The pages were empty. I was told to read them. Sentences began to appear in cursive writing as I read. I read them aloud and was amazed at how clear the lettering was and that I was able to read it. I worried briefly that my focus on the words would wake me up, but it it never did. Instead, it made the words more clear. Fascinating!

Of course, now I don’t remember what I read word-for-word. All I remember now is what I heard my guide say to me. He said, “Find your joy and follow it”. He also said something like, “Help them.” All that is left in my memory is the message that if I look for the light, I will see it. The “light” being that which brings me joy. Then all I have to do if follow it.

Then I was back on the path looking ahead at the end. I saw two golden chalices (spiritual nourishment, immortality) or cups sitting on a pedestal, one on my left and one on my right. Above them was a great circle (continuity) colored red-orange. The light illuminated them. There was a plaque below each that was covered in red paint. I knew the sign had information so I began to scratch away the layer of paint on both plaques. To my surprise I saw white numbers on a golden background. I recognized the pattern to be that of a date – like month, day, year – but the more I focused on the dates to try and remember them, the more numbers there were until it no longer resembled a date. I think I saw 2023 and 2036 but I can’t remember now. The numbers are all jumbled together in my mind.

The voice of my guide said to me as I was trying to decipher the numbers, “You know we can’t reveal that to you.” Disappointed I gave up.

What I remember now of those two golden cups or chalices is that I had two choices of “exit” dates in this life. The one on the right was later than the one on the left. Other than that, I was unable to determine which path was “better”.

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Dream: Skiing in Montana

I woke briefly after that but was able to return to sleep.

I was in Montana and decided to go skiing (breezing through aftermath of challenging situation). Ahead of me was a dirt road (new path, path untraveled) barely wide enough for one car. The road was riddled with puddles of water (emotion) some of which were very deep. I traveled by car but also seemed to be on foot. I wore no shoes, just white socks (protection). A man was with me but was not my husband. He showed me the way and I put my foot/wheels wherever he did.

At one point, just past a small bridge, one of the holes was so deep the man jumped over. I quickly followed, barely missing the hole and knowing it was so deep that I would have gotten soaked.

Then I was heading back up the road, this time with my husband. He was talking on the phone with a friend. He was telling them that he would love to live free, without a car, without a house, without many of the things he and I had built together. He was talking as if I was a burden and I could tell by the conversation that he was planning on leaving me to live this new “simpler” life. I recall him mentioning that this friend, obviously a woman, was eating Moringa seeds, and that because of that he wanted to also. The name was familiar.

As I listened I began to panic about what I would do as a single parent. I was angry that my husband would just abandon us to relieve himself of the burden.

The car came to the same deep puddle and my husband decided to drive through it very fast. The car launched into the air after hitting the puddle. Mud flew everywhere and then we landed behind a bunch of people on bikes (independence). The car bumped one bike but did not hurt anyone.

Then we were driving through a lazy town in Montana. The day was beautiful and the temperature perfect. I said to my husband, “It’s a really nice, summer day.” I remembered how nice the summers could be in Montana. I told him that the cities were safer and it was a good place to raise a family. Then I remembered how harsh the winters were. I decided it wasn’t worth it to live there.

Considerations

I’m not sure what to think of the dream experiences. The first lucid one seems mostly to be a message that things will not always be so dark, to look for my “joy” and to follow it and it will lead me to where I want to go.

The second dream seems to be a warning along with advice. The Moringa seed part was very vivid and likely indicates I need to research the seeds. I believe we have a bag of them in the garage given to my husband by the former owner of our old house (the man who killed himself). Overall, Moringa seems to be a good supplement in seed form and goes well with Turmeric, which was also a supplement suggested in an OBE I had years ago.

My thoughts about finding my joy are not positive. Nothing really brings me joy these days. So I am sad to think that the answer to my problems is to find and follow my joy. Perhaps it has to do with children because that dream also included me reaching out to children? Maybe but that doesn’t feel exactly right. It could be my own children, I suppose. That is closer to right because they do bring me joy at times.

I guess I just have to wait and see.

 

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Dream: Back to School Message

This week is hectic. The kids go back to school tomorrow. My youngest starts Kindergarten and my oldest goes into 6th grade. So, of course, I am worrying about my youngest. Will he do okay? Will he behave? Will he get along with the other kids? How will he manage an all-day school schedule?

My oldest is worrying on her own. I took her to a 6th grade camp to get oriented to her new school and classmates and she cried on the way from all her anxiety. I suspect the first day of school will be similar.

On top of all the back to school activity, my husband returned from almost a month away on business. It is always an adjustment when he returns. My youngest became the worse version of himself as a result. He is my little fiery double Aries and boy can he ever throw a tantrum! Then he can keep it up for an hour straight. Ugh! He is better today, thankfully!

My personal schedule is busy as well. I have three appointments this week. Don’t worry, nothing is wrong, The main thing I am addressing is maintaining my leg vein health. After removing a vein in my right leg in 2015 because it was not functioning properly, I try to do yearly maintenance on my legs because my body continues to make extra ugly veins to make up for the lost one. Overall I have great genetics except for the vein part. Sigh.

Dream: Back to School Message 

I recall going into a large, church-type building with rows of desks filled with students in uniform. I selected a seat on the right side of the room up against the wall and sat down. A young handicapped boy with light hair rolled in. When our eyes met we both lit up. I remember feeling extremely happy to see him.When he saw me he rose up out of his chair and limped over to me as if floating. Knowing he could not walk yet was doing so for me was impressive. I knew it was his gift to me. We embraced and he sat down in a seat in front of me. I snuggled up into his embrace and just sat there with him. The feeling he gave me was wonderful, like waves of calm and peace. Safe. There was no other place I would rather be than in his arms. All interest in other things vanished – school included – and my whole focus shifted to being with him.

That is when we noticed something unusual. On the other side of the church I could see a peacock (love, immortality, soul, peace). The young man with me pointed him out and said how he loved them. The peacock was running, its beautiful tail very obvious and impressive. The young man said, “I love the double ones” and I imagined a peacock with a double tail thinking that it must be rare.

I remember either telling him about or having memories of when I was younger and raised peacocks.

Then there was a commotion to the left and I saw a line of baby peafowl with their mother. They were all drab brown walking in a line. Some were fighting over a scrap of food. Then it was as if they were being hunted by dogs and I was worried for them. The last thing I saw was what looked like a pack of wild dogs devouring a carcass but the carcass looked like it was a dog, too!

The next thing I know I am returning to class but I forgot my backpack. I am late and have to sit in a different location. I can see my young male friend in his normal place. I wave at him and feel sad because we can’t be together. I am sitting next to girls I do not know and feel uncomfortable.

The teacher gives us our assignment only I haven’t been listening. I go back into the story we just read to find the answer. I recall the answer included compare and contrast of two children. The first came from a family who always paid their bills way in advance and had insurance for their five kids. Yet they were very poor. The other family was the opposite and always in debt. I knew my young male friend was from the former family type as was I.

As I was finishing up my assignment the teacher came around and took my pen before I could put my name on it.

Then I was watching myself from a distance. I saw myself as a young girl, maybe 10 years old. I would stare off into space often and the feelings I had were of worry and anxiety over what might happen. I was always on edge. I didn’t feel like the other kids and had few if any friends. The me observing this scene felt sad. It was strange to watch myself from outside myself. Did I really look like that? Was I the daydreaming kid, always staring out the window, always the outsider? Yep.

Message

As the dream came to an end I was left with what I was being shown. I knew it was a message. I recognized the feeling I had with my young partner – Home. When he was with me I was Whole and needed nothing. All interest in learning ceased. When he was gone I felt incomplete, scared and anxious. My rock and foundation was gone and I was forced to learn to stand on my own.

When I woke the same song was going through my head as the other day:

The parts of the song repeating were:

“I’ll say I told you so but you just gonna cry. You just wanna know those peanut butter vibes.”

“I can’t take this place, no I can’t take this place. I just wanna go where I can get some space.”

And with all this I heard from my guidance, “Remember.” I knew this meant I needed to remember what I was shown the last time I merged with my Higher Self. What did I remember? That I am exactly where I am suppose to be. This life is just a journey, one that is over in a blink of an eye despite it feeling much, much, much longer than that. When the journey is over I will return Home to my family, hopefully lessons learned.

The dream and lesson itself is quite humbling. The feeling the young man gave me is familiar. When I have felt it in this life I recognized that all I wanted to do was stay in it. At the same time I felt that if I did stay in/with it, that my life would be over because I would cease to learn the lessons I came here to learn. The point is that I have to stand on my own two feet, learn to be Whole on my own.

 

 

 

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OBE: Select

Strange morning. Prior to sleep, during my meditation, I asked to merge with my Higher Self. This came out of the blue and was not my original intention but I stuck with it. It felt right. I figured my HS might be able to give me some answers.

Dream: Becoming Lucid

I was in a small room in bed (wanting to make a change but feeling something is stopping me). A young woman and her friend were getting ready to go workout at the gym. I recall telling them about the new gym (message to take care of myself) arrangement and a visual of a small gym space, like a home gym, came to mind. The floors were black rubber and all the equipment was moved to one end leaving a large open space. I remember saying the arrangement was better. I told them I would join them soon but I was going to go for a 10 minute run first. But I didn’t get out of bed. I felt drowsy and sluggish.

Then it seemed like the room was a bathroom (healing, release). My friends were outside the door calling for me. I told them I was using the bathroom but then looked at the toilet and the top of it was flush with the floor. It looked like someone had pushed it down to create a squat toilet. I mentioned it and a woman popped her head in the door and laughed saying I would have to squat. I said, “I guess I will have to squat then”. Then a man also peeked in and I knew the two were coworkers – both doctors in training. A flash of a previous dream where I was an intern with them came to mind and I recognized how I knew them.

The scene shifted and I was watching a man walking up spiral stairs carrying a load of tree branches (period of dormancy). A woman was telling him to be careful. The scene around was a busy city street and the man seemed to be coming from underground up through a circular hole similar to a well.

Then I saw a man walking around without a top on and wearing a long, flowing skirt. At the same time it felt like me.  Then I was in the body. I saw myself as female. The cars driving past were honking and I was trying to cover myself with a white, button up shirt as fast as I could. Then I looked down at my lower half and thought, “A man wearing a skirt. Hmmmm.”

The wrongness brought about some lucidity and I became aware that I was having a conversation in the background of the dream. I recall the details of the conversation but won’t share it at this time as it is private. The memory I have of where I was during this conversation is of total darkness. There were also visuals that went along with the conversation, like I was watching a movie.

The topic brought on full lucidity and I began to ask aloud where someone was. I began to search. I entered a place that looked to be from a cartoon. Everything was drawn and in vivid color. There was a white van (heavy workload, progress in life) and I flew around it investigating while still looking for someone.

Then I was flying down a path with trees on either side. Ahead it looked like a tunnel and the colors faded into black the farther I traveled. I was still looking for someone but at this point realized I could sense my sleeping body.

OBE: Select

I temporarily shifted to my body as soon I made the decision to go OOB. Then I was in total darkness. I could sense my bedroom and bed. The transition OOB was flawless and I began to move down stairs. There was absolutely no strange, heavy energy and I struggled to believe I was in an OBE. I couldn’t see and was saying aloud, “My kids can’t see me” because I was worried they would interfere. My old dog, Trooper, was running beside me whining excitedly.

When I got downstairs, Trooper ran to the door and I began to see with clarity but only with my left eye (feminine side). I saw him waiting at the door. I opened it and found another, larger, white door (portal) behind it. The door opened, Trooper ran out happily, and I followed.

Outside it was not my front yard. Instead it was an entire town with rows of buildings and a long city street. I could see Trooper in the distance and I flew to catch up but encountered many bare tree branches (period of dormancy). I flew through and above them, grabbing onto the tops of the trees to keep from going up too far. As I flew, I looked at the city streets below me. I could see many people walking along the streets. Some looked up at me, but they looked strange. The ones I remember were bald, wearing black suits and had pale white skin. I also think they had on black sunglasses but it was overcast.

My intention was to follow Trooper but I remembered too much, it felt too real, and my awareness was increasing quickly. Before I knew it was I was sucked back toward my sleeping body but the experience did not end. Instead the scene shifted and I was looking inside an open refrigerator (cold, no change). The conversation from before resumed and I saw a hand reach into the fridge and pull out a bottle of Ranch dressing (improvement upon something). I tried to read the label and heard a man say, “Select.”

I came back to my body slowly after that. It felt like I floated in and out of my body for a time. There was a nice, heavy, comforting feeling about it so I lingered in that feeling for a while.

When I woke a song was going through my head. These lyrics specifically: “I’d say I told you so but you just wanna cry. You just wanna know those peanut butter vibes.”

Considerations

The overall feeling of the dream and OBE is that I am in a period of dormancy and renewal. As a season, I would be in Winter, so no new growth is going on. Instead I am resting or hibernating. The message at the end seems to indicate a decision needs to be made in order to improve my life conditions.

As far as merging with my Higher Self, I don’t feel like that happened, at least not in the way I wanted it to.

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Kundalini Dream – Mystery Man

For over a week now I’ve gotten into a nightly routine that starts around 8:30pm and goes until bedtime. It begins with a yoga routine I created to open my hips. The yoga lasts anywhere from 15-20+ minutes usually, depending on how tight my hips are. After that, I settled down between pillows in my bed and tune into a nightly bedtime meditation or two. Usually I spend about 20-30 minutes meditating. I have been trying out different types and have found the one that works best for me is the deep breathing meditation. When I do that meditation I often end up going pretty deep and struggle to stay with the guidance of the mediation because I get caught up in dream imagery and conversations.

Last night I did a Yoga Nidra mediation. Honestly, I didn’t like focusing on body parts so much and skipped through to the part about setting intention. The meditation asked that I just feel what my intention was and the first thing that came to mind was being free from the body, but I made sure my intention was that I wanted this to be permanent. Based upon that intention one would expect I would end up OOB but that is not at all what happened.

Dream Conversation

I remember having a conversation with someone in a dream but I can’t recall who it was with or too many of the specifics now. I do remember many different songs were going through my head, which of course I can’t remember now either. It was like the back and forth between us was in songs.

The main topic of conversation was that he (a guide I guess) was trying to convince me to not give up. He told me to leave the past in the past and look forward. My response was very depressed and pessimistic. I remember the songs I chose to respond with were about giving up. The songs he chose were about possibility and change. I wish I could remember the songs now!

Kundalini Dream – Mystery Man

The next thing I remember is being in an office-type setting in a church (spiritual connection). A woman was talking to me about the amount of time it would take for various types of communication to make it from Austin to Dallas – letters, emails, faxes and wires. I remember thinking it would take one to two days depending on the type of communication sent. I consulted with another lady in the office and she said, “Everything will get there instantly except for letters, those will take two days.”

I remember that the woman who initially asked the question had moved to Dallas recently because her husband had just died. This woman was pretty with blonde hair and a slim frame. She and her husband had been in an argument and he accidentally died. When I received this information I thought, “How convenient. She probably isn’t very upset.”

Then I was inside a dark office (too much on my mind) waiting – for what I don’t know. There was a huge computer monitor on the wall. While waiting I was still thinking of the question about communication time as I looked around at the desk and messed with the computer. I knocked over a cup full of highlighters (something being highlighted). There were more than I could count and many of them were cut in half revealing hollow, yellow tubes. There were also crayons mixed in. I grabbed handfuls and tried to put them back into the cup but the cup was cut in half (there is more work to do) as well. So I piled them all together at the back of the desk.

I accidentally clicked the mouse and a movie began to play. The sound was really loud and I could not figure out how to turn it down. When I tried to close the computer window a question came up on a blue screen with a large back arrow. I clicked it, thinking it would get me off the screen but it just played another movie really loudly. In an attempt to shut the noise off I disconnected the speaker. The sound stopped and I was relieved. Then I went to close the screen and another movie started playing and I could hear it. This surprised me and I went looking for the plug to the entire system.

That is when a man entered the room. He was hard to see but appeared to be wearing a very large coat (protection) or blankets (comfort). His head was either covered or he was very hairy. When he entered I knew to go with him.

Jeep Wagoneer

The man took me to an SUV that looked like an old Jeep Wagoneer. He communicated to me through his energy. I knew to get inside. I didn’t question it and got into the passenger seat. He climbed in and began to drive. I remember saying I had left something behind and needed to get it. When he heard this he put the car into reverse and began to drive in reverse very fast toward what looked like a gas (rest, refuel) station. He stopped suddenly as if in hurry. I readied myself to get out of the car and get what I left and he sent a telepathic message for me to stay and he would get it. I said, “You don’t have to…” and motioned to him to stay. He responded by sending an intense energy that hit me full force in the chest. The energy communicated something to me but it is hard to describe. I sat down and let him go.

There is a hazy memory of again having a discussion but it was as if I was in a trance or something. The next thing I remember is thinking, “He’s been in there a long time. I should see what’s going on.”

I got out of the car and went into the house (or gas station but it looked like a house). It was dark inside. I recall seeing a ceiling fan (indicates I feel safe/secure) in the center of the ceiling slowly rotating. A black dog (protection) was curled up by the entrance. He just looked up at me and went back to sleeping. I walked into the dark living room to the sofa. I could see someone there and knew it was the man. I went up and found him covered in a pile of blankets (protection, comfort). I leaned down to inquire what was going on and I saw his face was also covered either in blankets or a thick beard, I don’t know which. The man sent another blast of energy to my heart and I leaned closer. He said, “I love you” and then kissed me passionately on the lips. I could feel every detail of the kiss and I fell into it as my heart exploded in bliss and energy shot down into my root and moved upward, lighting my body on fire with bliss. The energy communicated so much to me. It was like I knew everything about him and his intentions within a millisecond. I remember responding by mentally saying, “Make love to me.” The images and thoughts in my mind were that I wanted to make as many babies as I could with him. lol

The intensity of the energy and my emotional response to it woke me up. The energy lingered for a while and I sat stunned by what had just happened. A song was going through my head. It was one of the songs I had used to communicate how I was feeling to the man. The part that was repeating was, “It’s too cold outside for angels to fly.” Maybe that is why there were so many blankets in my dream…..

Question

Of course, I couldn’t go back to sleep once I awoke. 🙂 The energy was swirling around for quite a while after. Sometimes it would shoot up one side and then the other side of my body, covering me in amazing, tingly energy as if I was being touched or hugged by it.

As the energy faded in and out I wondered about the man’s energy in the dream. It’s quality was unlike any I have encountered before. That’s when my guidance asked me, “How did it [his energy] make you feel?” But I struggled to answer the question. I couldn’t put it into words except to say, “I don’t know.” I was totally speechless and blown away at the time.

Now, hours later, all I can say is that when I felt his energy my immediate response was to completely surrendered to it to the point that all considerations that were my own melted away. All that was left was pure devotion and love. Yes, there was a magnetic quality there but it was not sexual. His energy was powerful – commanding even – but at the same time protective and gentle. And when he told me he loved me and a powerful shot of bliss hit my heart, my response was very out of  character. I wanted to make love – make babies. lolol The experience of this was without question the oddest part of the entire dream encounter. All I can figure is that making babies = creation.

I wanted to create with him.

And just his mere presence in the dream caused me to follow him. There was no questioning, no resistance. He came, I followed. I could feel his energy as if it was speaking – no beckoning – to me. There is no denying what it said, though words don’t do it justice. It was like his energy triggered something in me – recognition maybe.

Who was the man? I have no clue. Most likely just a guide. He was hidden from me the whole time. He looked huge to me, though. His size was impressive as was his energy. It seemed like he had a beard but I don’t know. He was always covered in shadow and blankets. My best guess is he wanted me to know I was safe and protected, which is why I saw him this way.

Oddly, I woke to my monthly flow five days early. Yay. 😦 I guess it is not really that unusual. The K seems to “flow” with my monthly cycle. I am not feeling very well, though, so am taking it easy today.

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Message: Only If You’re Strong Enough

Very dream-filled night. Not sure what is with the sudden increase in dream recall but at least I feel better today than yesterday.

Dream

I found myself inside a single-wide mobile home (unstable path). It was very obviously the home of a bachelor – sparse furniture, simple, and a bit messy. A thin, wiry guy with blonde, messy hair was with me. He looked in his 20’s and was a bit dirty; his clothes needed a good washing. I could see a small, 80’s style television (some past communication) in the background in the background that was on and some television show was playing.

The guy was very aloof and didn’t pay me much attention until he wanted something from me. The feeling from him was that he kept me around only for what I could do for him. My interest in him went beyond that, though. I did not feel love for him but I was seeking his attention, which he, of course, was not giving.

At one point I thought the guy wanted to get sexual because he sat on the floor, butt naked, legs spread and arms open as if inviting me into his embrace. As I moved forward he did something unexpected. He grabbed a bottle of lotion (success in difficult situations) and began to squirt huge amounts into his hands. He put the lotion all over himself, effectively covering his nakedness. Then he asked me to help him. He said, “Can you pop this for me?” He showed me a small pimple (worry over the trivial) on the inside of his thigh. It was gross and I said, “Eww.” Before I could answer he began to push on the thing and huge amounts of puss came out. I said, “Looks like you did it yourself.”

The next thing I remember is the man walking about the place and my attention going to the television where I saw The Beatles and another guy, some poet or philosopher, being interviewed by a TV host. The poet guy said something about the future that was very profound. Whoever he was, I recognized him and knew he would die and that was the last time he would be seen on TV.

Then another guest appeared on the show and I noticed that she was way older than I remembered her to be. She had red hair and her face had aged to the point that her nose was larger than usual and she had bags under her eyes. The song, “It Must Have Been Love” was being performed by her and I kept trying to figure out her name. I kept hearing/thinking, “Heart” but I don’t think that was meant as a name of a person but more of a message being passed on.

As I watched the woman on the TV I noticed one of her breasts was very large and misshapen. It looked like a huge tumor (repressed emotion emerging).

Then an intercom came on which could be heard inside the house. I said to the guy, “Can’t you disconnect that?” He said, “Why?” The intercom seemed to be coming from a mechanic shop across the way and had been installed by the guy’s father. I remember knowing the father had worked a Sears for $15/hr back when that pay was considered really good. I mentioned how sad it was that people couldn’t live off that kind of pay anymore. The guy grunted his agreement, half listening.

Then I was saying goodbye to the guy. We were standing real close. I was pressed up against him, head close to his chest. I remember kissing him and feeling a flush of energy as he returned my affection. Then I felt panic and thought, “I’m married! What am I doing?” And just as quickly I let that consideration go, deciding I didn’t care. An entire memory of how I got there came to me. It seems I told my mom I was going somewhere else and then went to be with this guy. There was no memory at all of a husband.

Then I left to go find my mom’s car (life path). Outside the trailer I stood on a dirt road. I began to walk toward where I believed the car was and watched the guy I had been with take a road on the right. I knew the roads met up in the same place.

Along the way I encountered a guy pushing a white pick-up truck (hard work) backwards down the road. He pushed it through a mound of dirt and it pushed the dirt as if it was a bulldozer. I said to the man, “Why don’t you just get in and drive?” The man did and drove the truck away.

As I approached parked cars I began to search for my mom’s red car. I pushed the key fob and heard a beeping. I followed the sound to the road that met up with the road the guy took. Hearing the sound I saw a red colored car and went toward it but it was not my mom’s. I turned toward a building and saw a pair of someone’s glasses (clarity needed) on the dirt road. I picked them up and said, “Did someone lose their glasses?” I saw men sitting in a waiting area but none were the owner.

Message

I woke briefly and then fell into the in-between where a mini-dream played out. I recall being taken to an old folk’s home – a rest home – to live out my last days. I was much younger than all the other residents but I didn’t care. I felt ready to be there. A man was with me and helped get me settled in. He said to me, “You’ll be leaving in 8 days but only if you’re strong enough.” It felt like I would be picked up and transported somewhere.

The message was audible enough that I became more lucid and questioned what the man meant by “strong enough”. I was shown an emoji. It was the puking emoji. The sight of it was funny and I thought, “I guess if I’m not sick I can go….”

Considerations

The dream and message seems to indicate that I am in a period of healing. The rest home is likely meant to indicate that I am needing rest.

My best guess about the dream with the blonde man is that I was looking at something from my past, an alternate reality, or being shown something about my character. The unusual part of it was that I was seeking the attention of this man and he was ignoring me, using me even, and I continued to have this feeling of needing his attention and approval. This is very unlike me. My first thought when considering my behavior is that I was seeking to know how it might feel to be treated that way; looking to gain understanding of another’s perspective.

I keep dreaming of my mom which I find interesting. It seems that I am looking to a more mature or wise version of myself for answers. Maybe my HS? In this dream I am looking for my mom’s car – life path/soul purpose – but I can’t find it. So maybe I feel out of touch with my true path and purpose. The lost glasses is likely me recognizing my inability to see or find clarity.

 

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Dream: I Quit!

Slept amazingly well but woke in a depressed mood. My life felt suddenly very heavy and burdensome. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep all day.

I tried to return to sleep but couldn’t. Instead, I fell into the in-between where I entered into a conversation with a male guide. He said to me, “Sometimes judgement is unavoidable. Who have you judged recently?” This prompted me to begin thinking about some things I said about someone. As is my style, I was very honest to the point of mean. This was my response to being disappointed and hurt. I recognized how I often lash out at the person who hurts me, focusing on all the negatives I can find to justify my decision to hurt them in return and disconnect. This I do to protect myself from future hurt but at the same time it often alienates me from people, especially people who are sensitives.

The dreams of the night came were memorable and likely the cause of my waking up in a depressed mood.

Dream: I Quit

This dream began with me cutting a long cord that spread across many desks or the tops of beds (can’t recall well enough which it was). The cord was actually made of several cords of different colors wound around each other and the entire thing was tied to several posts (desks, beds, who knows). I cut the ties and then began working on the main cord. There was worry the things the cord connected would all come crashing down, but they didn’t. Instead the cord went lax and fell limply to the ground. I remember the main colors of cord and ties to be red.

A woman approached and the scene transformed into a classroom (life lessons). I was standing at the back as she propped up what had fallen down – again it appeared to be desks (learning) but also headboards from beds (private/personal side).

The next thing I recall is entering a small room lined with desks and computers. People were coming in and sitting down and chatting. I began chatting with a few who I knew. They were teachers and so was I. The teachers were all returning from summer break and attending a meeting which is the norm each year for returning teachers.

I was especially cheerful because I knew I did not have to return to work. The feeling was as if I had unloaded a ton of bricks from my shoulders. The other teachers were asking me if I was coming back and I said cheerfully, “No. I quit!” There was discussion about my previous part-time job. Someone said, “You got paid more working part-time didn’t you?” I said, “Yes. Isn’t that awesome?”

As the room began to fill up I noticed a couple of teachers sitting toward the back. Someone I was talking to pointed them out, saying, “They always do that – sit in the back and avoid everyone. They always seem grumpy, too.” I said, “I use to be like that. I never liked coming back from summer break. It felt like I was losing my freedom and all the stresses of the year ahead would be on my mind. The last thing I wanted to do was socialize with everyone.” I could completely relate to the two antisocial teachers and did not judge them for how they were acting, but I was happy to not be in their shoes.

The scene shifted and I was traveling down a road really fast. I believe I was flying but it seemed like someone was driving a vehicle we were on, though I never saw one. The person driving suddenly turned left into mounds of dirt and shrub. The road was especially bumpy (bumpy life path) and we were knocked around. I was protesting, asking him why he was going off-road, when suddenly a perfectly paved road appeared out of nowhere (less complicated path). Things smoothed out and ahead I could see a tall mountain (spirituality) destination.

When we got to the mountain I knew that on top was entrance to a deep pool (healing and regeneration) that was inside the mountain. People would come swim there. We went to the top and sure enough people were in the pool. It was crystal clear and sparkled blue.

I don’t recall much here. There was conversation with others and then I remember seeing what I thought was a black turkey (fear, cowardice) in the distance. I went closer to take a photo and the turkey morphed into some kind of goose (joy, contentment) or water fowl. I then noticed the area was absolutely gorgeous with flowering trees and deep crystal clear pools of water. There was a glass divider between the garden and pools that was difficult to see and paths that wound through the gardens. More birds like the goose were walking along the paths alongside people.

There was a shift here and discussion about teaching resumed. I recall meeting a male teacher who propositioned me. He told me he was selling his house (aspect of self) located up in the hills. What I mostly recall here is that I was not interested in his proposition but could feel an intoxicating energy coming off of him so I let him show me his house on the hill.

Inside the house was very beautiful but extremely dark (shadow self, unknown). His family was there to include a young child and his mom. I commented on how dark it was inside. What I recall most is that when I was walking from the living area to the kitchen (spiritual nourishment) the floor fell down at an angle several feet. I almost fell and mentioned that it was a hazard.

When I went back to the man he had morphed into a very obese (overindulgence, laziness) woman with rolls of fat. I suddenly felt to be male and I professed my love and dedication to the fat woman. I went over, hugged her and stroked her clothed fat rolls and large breasts, kissing her. I recall feeling an immense love for her and being so dedicated that I would assist her in anything even when she did things that were not good for her. It felt very unhealthy.

Interpretation 

The dream seems to begin with me literally cutting cords to certain things in my life. To me it feels like I am expressing my dissatisfaction with the path of learning (desks) and my private life/self (bed). Since the desks and beds seem to be one in the same, then the learning path IS my private life/self.

The classroom portion of the dream where I proclaim “I quit!” feels like a further proclamation that I no longer want to be on a specific learning path. I recognize myself in some of the other teachers – how I avoid others and sit at the back of the room. The proclamation feels amazing, like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. It felt similar to how I have felt every time I quit a job I hated.

The going off-road portion of the dream likely symbolizes a time when I literally go off path and this leads to a “bumpy” time but then smooths out as a paved road appears. The mountain pool indicates that once this bumpy period smooths out there will be a period of regeneration and healing.

The last portion of the dream is strange to me. I sometimes have dreams where I shift gender and I am never quite sure what this means. I do know that the obese woman indicates someone who is lazy and tending toward gluttony (overindulgence) in life. Perhaps she is me and I am agreeing to let her be this way.

Considerations

All in all it seems like I am needing a break because I am overwhelmed by the losses I have encountered on my spiritual path. When I feel overwhelmed by loss and disappointment I tend to shut down or, even worse, rebel. My rebellion often comes in purposefully doing the opposite of what I know I should do. So I would not be surprised if my path got a little bumpy. It doesn’t usually last long, though, because I tend to lose interest in being angry and resentful. It takes too much energy.

The “I quit” part of the dream could also be in reference to current considerations I am having about my job. I was asked to take on even more responsibilities last week. It was explained to me that there would be no “helper” positions anymore. The position I originally took on was to help but now that is being eliminated. I am being asked to shift out of that mindset. It will be a gradual process but the idea of adding more to my already high workload is not appealing to me. With added responsibilities I will have to go into the office more frequently and this may end up completely ending my work from home arrangement.

The new parts I am being asked to add include payroll, taxes and assets. Payroll is the biggest. It happens every two weeks and I have been watching my coworker struggle with it to the point of it causing her undue stress. I have no desire to have that stress added to my life. Not at all.

So I am stuck trying to decide what to do. I could negotiate for more pay and to continue to work from home. I could probably get both but even then the idea of all the extra work doesn’t sit well with me. Why can’t I just work part-time from home?

It seems always to be my pattern that after about 1 year of working somewhere I want to leave the job. I get bored. Things and people at work start to irritate me. I become less and less accommodating. The money is no longer enough to quiet my discontent. I get this restless feeling inside that when not listened to often erupts either at work or at home or both. Usually I stay as long as I can in order to keep the money coming in. Money is the only reason I work. The only reason I am at this job is because we needed money. We still do but I have saved quite a bit now and it is tempting to just go back to not working. Really tempting.

Interestingly, I woke this morning to a song in my head – “I just wanna run….” lol

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Progressing on a Gradient

I’ve been tired the last few days. My sleep has not been very restful because of frequent wakings. It seems to coincide with a tremendous geomagnetic storm that was hitting the Earth around the 5th of August. Thankfully, last night I slept so well that I barely have any memories of dreamtime and woke feeling much more rested.

My birthday was on the 4th. As usual I was not very celebratory. For almost a decade now, when my birthday comes around I try and just let it be a normal day. The last thing I want to do it focus on getting another year older especially now that it feels like each year passes so quickly without much being accomplished. This year was no different and brought quite a bit of sluggish apathy as I recognized that once again I had let another year pass without doing much of significance.

Since then I decided that I would try and do more with my life this year. My husband gifted me a boudoir session toward the end of the month. I ask for it for my birthday because I want to document how I look before the last remnants of my youth and vitality fade away. I’ve been working very hard on my physical body for the last year to improve muscle imbalance and “sculpt” it back into shape. My work is paying off and I am very proud of what I have accomplished. To me, my success demonstrates that the aging process can be slowed and even reversed if the person has the right mindset and isn’t afraid of a little hard work. I find it interesting how frequently people go into apathy over their physical body – appearance and function – allowing it to fall into disrepair. I do not intend to be like everyone else.

Another idea that came to me was that I wanted to start doing things that I have put aside for one reason or the other. One of those things is to visit Greece. I have long been drawn to that part of the world and when asked where I would travel if I could, Greece has always been my answer. So I started looking into taking the whole family there. We will see what comes of it.

Spiritual Movement

Earlier in the week, during one of my many wakings in the night, I recalled with great clarity being told, “I will come for you.” The memory was completely audible. I could hear the masculine voice as if I was experiencing hearing it in the present moment only I knew it was a memory. Yet I have no clue when the memory was made. With the memory came this odd feeling as if I was being triggered or awakened to some part of myself that lay dormant until this message was passed on. The whole experience left me feeling a tad freaked out because of how real it was. It was as if I had somehow removed myself from Time but since my physical body exists within Time the only way to process it was as a “memory” of some previous event.

My way of handling it was to forget about it and write it off as yet another weird experience in the life of Dayna.

Then, couple of nights ago my guidance began to make themselves known. Through dreams, messages and conversations in the in-between, they have been discussing with me my current spiritual dilemma and how to move through it. The final decision has been that I prefer to take the next step on a gradient so that the intense fear that arises from certain emotions can be confronted and handled.

The same night I agreed to continue at a slower pace, the Kundalini visited.

I woke up in K-bliss that seemed to happen on its own. It was uncontrollable and without warning, rising quickly and intensely. Then, afterwards, the energy in my lower chakras swirled and churned for a while after. The solar plexus was strongest but I could feel the distinct ache I often feel in my 2nd chakra as well. I lay there enjoying the feeling as it was not super intense as it has been in the past. The energy moved all the way up to my crown more than once, but slowly, like a trickle, and felt cool and liquid like water.

As I lingered in the energy, I shifted in and out of the in-between. Out of the blue I began to audibly hear a voice to my left whispering to me. It was a man’s voice and though I cannot remember the first sentence he said, I do remember the last two.

He said, “You need to educate yourself.” Long pause.

Then he said, “My name is Chris [by the way].” The brackets are for the part I heard as I recognized I was being spoken to.

This brought me out of reverie somewhat and I asked him, “Why are you whispering?” A thought came to me from him that said, “You heard me didn’t you?” I knew he whispered because a whisper causes one to focus more on listening.

I asked, “What do I need to educate myself about??” When I didn’t hear an answer I said, “Show me, then.”

Dream – Bone Cancer

It took me a while to sleep afterwards, which is not unusual considering what just occurred. I recall meeting up with two women – a mother and daughter (aspects of Self). We were in a hospital (healing) but the room seemed like a conference room (meeting to discuss current state). The mother and daughter felt like good friends as well as relatives. There was a very strong bond and dedication between them.

The younger of the two took care of the older even though she was also ill. Turns out their illness was bone cancer (doubts and negativity delaying spiritual progress). The mother was losing use of her arm, the bones cracking (major doubt/delay) on their own and causing her awful pain. The daughter was not in pain yet but had the same future of pain ahead of her. There was no cure.

I recall talking to them about exercise helping to cure. I said something about 30 minutes a day curing a young man I knew. They did not believe it would help them, though they listened as if they were considering the option for themselves.

I watched the younger of the two come up to the older one with a sling (providing support). The older one went to the wall and held her broken arm up against it, wincing in pain. The younger one was to put the sling over both arms to hold them steady. I remember trying to help but the younger lady wanted to do it.

There was an overflow of emotion coming from me at this point. The situation was very sad and I was crying for them both.

There was an energetic shift in the dream and it was as if time had passed, enough that the mother had died and the daughter, much older and resembling the mother, was still alive. I went to talk to the daughter and she filled me in on what had happened. As she told me about her mother’s death I broke down sobbing.

The crying woke me up and I was left wondering what the dream meant. Was this what my guide was showing me about his message?

When I shifted into the in-between I saw a scenario playing out between myself and a man who seemed familiar to me. We were together and had successfully come into Union, practicing tantra and teaching others about it as well. This flash of a vision woke me fully and I thought to my guidance, “Do you mean I need to educate myself on the Kundalini and Tantra?” It felt right but then I felt instantly pessimistic about it because or how ridiculously “out there” the whole idea was.

I was reminded of a message I saw on FB about the stages of sexual awakening written by a Tantrica:

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Part of the vision I saw seemed to feel like it was showing me that I could be a teacher to others. I wondered about that but I know that often I am just shown potential futures and even more often I am just dreaming.

Not long after this I recall being told by my guidance, “You don’t have much time.”

As far as what these messages relate to, I can’t be certain. It could just be that I came here to learn – educate myself – and that I am not taking the best advantage of it as I could be.

Bone cancer suggest that some negatives ideas are brewing in my spiritual setting, I have trouble getting rid of doubt and negative thoughts. A broken bone symbolizes serious doubts about my path.

This morning, though I don’t remember my dreams, I remember the Kundalini rose while I was sleeping. All that is left is an echo of what was but it is still there, like I can taste it, if that makes any sense. Whatever happened it was a major event but surprisingly I do not regret the memory being faint. It feels like it needs to be right now.

Considerations

Rather than jump to conclusions about what the above could mean, I have just been allowing and continuing to live my life. There is no point in trying to analyze what it all means because I have been having doubts about my path and feeling quite negative about my future and what it holds. I simply do not have any desire to live life as I have been but I do not know how else to live it. The thought of continuing to do what I was taught I should do – have a family, work a job to pay bills to acquire more “stuff”, etc. – feels so empty to me. I’ve done all that and it has not brought me fulfillment or happiness. If anything I feel trapped. Since I don’t know how to move beyond this the only option I feel that is left is to continue as is until I am allowed an exit point.