This post will mostly consist of updates and musings.

Updates

My sister is still in the hospital. I haven’t been able to visit her again because my husband is out of town for work and I am playing single parent to our three children. Thankfully, nothing major has occurred with her condition. She is stable, though she has had some minor complications. A few days ago she had to have fluid removed from her right leg which had swollen and grown very painful. She also continues to have a fever despite the antibiotics they have been giving her. She had a picture taken of her heart valve, but I haven’t heard the results of that test yet. The doctors believe her valve is failing and she will need it removed and replaced. At this point I think a heart valve replacement is inevitable. We all knew it would happen one day, it was just a question of when.

As for my health, I had a physical over a month ago, the first in about four years. My blood work came back normal and I am still awaiting the results of my first ever mammogram. I don’t expect any bad results from the mammogram, either.

I have concluded that the heart speed-up incident last August was the result of a mixture of conditions – stress, spiritual healing/shift and eating too little for my activity level. First, when I told the doctor of the incident she agreed that it sounded very much like a hypoglycemic “attack” rather than a heart attack or heart related issue. Second, I had a series of very stressful incidents around that time, one of which was my dog, Monty, being horribly attacked by a loose dog in our neighborhood as we took our daily walk. I had also been going through some major spiritual shifting specifically in my second and third chakras which brought about debilitating panic attacks. Finally, I had been eating way too few calories – around 1500/day – for my activity level. I am active 6-7 days a week, meaning I do some kind of exercise every day and most days it is moderate to high intensity for 45+ minutes. So, I recently changed my calorie intake to closer to 1850 and am about to increase it to 2000/day. I’m not sure how I got stuck at such a low daily caloric intake. I know better than that!

I continue to work on flexibility and have already noticed a difference in how I feel. The tightness in my hips and shoulders seems to be decreasing. I can do reverse plank and bridge without feeling like my shoulders are going to break off. lol My calves are still a major sticking point for my deep squat and I still have discomfort at my hip crease when I squat deep. These will take time to resolve – maybe years – but I have accepted that and am just focusing on increasing my flexibility.

As I suspected would happen as I worked on my physical body, my spiritual body is responding in kind. Slowly, but surely, some issues are rising to the surface for inspection. For example, I have been having dreams related to issues and events in my past. I haven’t written much about them because they are deeply personal and revealing. The dreams bring back emotions that I would rather not feel and self-defeating thoughts tend to follow.

I have also recognized once again my tendency to hold onto or fixate on certain things. Finances tend to be one of those sticking points. My goals financially are to have no credit card debt and to have a substantial amount of money in savings. I reached goal #1 recently and am working hard to reach #2. Unfortunately, it looks like goal #1 is not going to last as our downstairs heater stopped working and we had to have the whole unit replaced. Similarly, a debt to a friend of my husband is coming due, one I didn’t know existed until just recently.

On a positive note, financially we have the ability to handle these situations and to continue put aside money. My job continues to be perfect for me and I am so very grateful to have the freedom, lack of stress and financial security it brings.

Spiritual Update

I’ve been in a period of integration, which feels like stagnation, for some time now and I do not see that changing anytime soon. As is my struggle with periods like this, I tend to get extremely bored and listless. Physical life is just not very interesting, especially in comparison to that types of spiritual experiences I am use to. I do not desire to do most things that others would find enjoyable. I still do not like being out in crowds of people even though I no longer experience anxiety or panic when I do.

Lately, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about what is important in life. This was brought on by my sister’s sudden illness and her continued teeter-totter on the tightrope between life and death. My dreams suggest she is at a life turning point where she can choose to stay or go. When considering my feelings about this I felt okay if she opted to leave but recognized that there would be an obvious hole in my life left by her absence. The feeling is hard to describe but is similar to having a piece missing. Those who have lost loved ones would understand this feeling well, but I experience it differently. I do not struggle with the physical death of a loved one very much as I know they continue to live on just in another form. What I struggle with is feeling alone. I manage this feeling daily but when a family member dies it becomes all the more obvious and I envy them. I honestly can’t wait until my visit to Earth ends and I can rejoin my family in Spirit.

I’ve also begun to feel a bit guilty about how little I have done to help my sister in her life struggles. As I contemplated the potential loss of her I thought to myself how spiteful I have been and the conditions I have set on the love I have for my sister. My actions say, “I love you conditionally” and that is NOT what I want my sister to take with her from this life. Because in the end love is really all there is and human love and all that it lacks is so degraded compared to the Divine love we all are. When I take away the conditions, the love I have for my sister causes me to want to give her whatever I can to ease her suffering. I still struggle with that voice that says, “But…..”. At least I am viewing my relationship with her in a new way.

Another feeling I’m having is loneliness. It is more acute than usual, anyway. I feel a lack but cannot put my finger on what exactly it is except to say I feel alone and isolated. I realize I isolate myself from others purposefully and when I inspect that action I don’t feel it is the source of my loneliness. I desire deep, meaningful connections, not superficial ones. Most everyone who surrounds me in my daily life (except my close family) will only provide superficial connections. I’m tired of being an actress, playing the role others want me to play. Yet I struggle to be my True Self. She is illusive or maybe she just doesn’t feel safe? All of this is just a part of the period of integration asking me to confront physical reality, really inspect it and my response to it. Perhaps there is something I’m not seeing or maybe I am doing what I do in other areas of my life, resisting reality?

I have been reminded in my dreams that we choose to enter this physical life and body to challenge ourselves. We travel this path “alone” on purpose. Alone = separate from the Oneness; individualized and sequestered. Those special few (soul family) who remind us of our true nature and purpose come and go. Sometimes – rarely- they stick around and we create lasting physical life memories with them. Other times, and more frequently, our paths diverge. Heart sickness results when this happens but the heart heals and we are stronger in the end, though it may take some time to realize that.