Monthly Archives: May 2022

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Lessons Learned

Things I have learned since my awakening (that stand out to me):

Heart Connections (Twin Flame) are real but they are very misunderstood. There is no guide, book or even illustration that can explain a connection like this. Everyone’s experience is unique. The key to surviving one and moving past it is this: The connection with the other person is an illusion. The real connection is to yourself. If you fall into the trap of attachment to the other person, you will suffer greatly. 

Awakening the Kundalini is not fun. Seeking to awaken it (prematurely, forcing it) will only create more obstacles and potential mental and emotional illness/pain (think along the lines of Kundalini “syndrome”). It is not for the faint of heart. The Kundalini accelerates everything and forces confrontation of that which is deeply hidden and avoided. It strips away the illusion.

ET’s are real. They are telepathic Beings. Telepathy is more than just hearing a voice in your head that isn’t your own. It is the transmission and reception of the entirety of an experience to the extent that each individual experiences what is communicated as if living/experiencing it themselves. As humans, we are unable to even conceive of the magnitude of this as of yet. The compartmentalization of the human mind creates an obstacle to pure telepathy which must be circumvented. Therefore, ET’s tend to use the dreamstate to approach and communicate with humans. The Experiencer returns from the experience unable to relay what happened accurately because humans do not have the right “tools” to do so. In their attempt to communicate their experience they only have human language and limited human experience as their tools. Much is lost in the translation.

Most, if not all, of the information available via the spiritual/metaphysical community is inaccurate, incomplete and/or altered. Why? Re-read the above paragraph. Those who rely on anything but themselves, their intuition and inner Knowing, are perpetuating the misinformation. If you are following someone who has achieved some kind of “higher” status in the metaphysical and spiritual community, beware. The ONLY one you can trust is yourself. Anyone selling that their way/method/technique/information is the best/only/highest should be avoided. This doesn’t mean ignore all the information out there. It means use your inner Knowing to sift through everything you come across in your search. Take what resonates and toss the rest. If you doubt your ability to do this, step back and observe until you are able to recognize your own Knowing. 

The only true path ahead is your own.

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HD Projector Voice Recording Results

I used a voice recorder to see if it would give me clarity. I talked aloud for nearly 10 minutes and, at first, didn’t feel it helped. However, everything in the post below came after. It was as if talking aloud cleared the debris that was hanging around and muddling things up. So, in that way, it did bring about clarity, just not as I had expected!

From an HD group I’m in:

“…..here’s my current perspective on why Projectors can be mistakenly diagnosed as bipolar [or other mental illness]:

1) Focused & absorbing aura (sensitive to the Other), leads to heightened open center conditioning.
2) Open sacral amplifies Generator energy (70% of population), causing cycles of mania & exhaustion.
3) Not knowing when enough is enough (Open Sacral Not-Self) expresses itself as addiction.
4) Mechanical reliance on being invited (and uninvited) to relationships and circumstances means we can’t correctly initiate our way out of a difficult situation.
5) Bitterness and resentment builds up like layers of oil in a dirty engine, until we finally break down on the side of the road, doomed to a life of jump starts and tow trucks.”

In the last week, I’ve been repeatedly running into the part in bold about Projectors. Firstly, I’m not seeking out this information consciously. In my boredom, I’m looking through my FB groups for things that catch my eye and have now found this particular tidbit of info three time in two days. The time between seeing the info is enough that I forget about it only to rediscover it in a new moment. 

This tiny nugget – or seed – of info has been repeating. Each time it resurfaces it feels to have grown a little more.  

I’m left with questions. If we (Projectors) can’t correctly initiate our way out of a difficult situation, then how then do we break free? Are we reliant on another invitation to free us? What can we do if we can’t initiate our way out? 

My guess is the answer is: Strategy and Authority. 

It doesn’t feel like strategy (wait for the invitation) is part of this decision as much as Authority here. My HS will let me know. She has in the past. It isn’t always obvious, though, and easy to overlook or doubt. My mind gets in the way, that is for sure. There are always a list of very logical reasons not to take action.

The poster of the above quote also does videos. In one he gives an analogy that feels correct to me. He says that a Projector gets stuck in situations (work, relationships) because we go so deeply into the “mud” of the Other that when we come away from it we can’t get it off. We can take a shower and scrub ourselves raw and it still lingers on us. 

I was immediately reminded of how last night I couldn’t sleep after visiting my mom because I kept thinking about her current problems. I thought of what I said to her and how I tried to counsel her and her husband. It was hours before I could finally settle and sleep. THIS is the mud he’s talking about. My guidance would say, “It doesn’t matter.” And I finally accepted that it isn’t MY stuff and let it go. I don’t want nor need to take on and/or solve her problems.

The FB Projector group also answered a question: Why do Projectors need an invitation? To protect us. To keep us from the energetic backlash and resulting “harm” it causes (self-doubt, conditioning, negative self-talk, etc). 

This also brings me to my interaction with my mom and strep-dad yesterday. I tried the counseling method of saying back to them what I was hearing – summarizing. I also pointed out what I was seeing without being overly blunt about it and communicated with short, simple statements. I listened more and said less. I didn’t give them more than they could handle (I tend to say too much, Generators can only digest small amounts of truth – remember, it’s hard to confront what you don’t want to know/see). The statements I made put their feelings first.

My mom got emotional and I let her cry and be upset. When she said she needed to be on anti-depressants because of her emotionality I told her that it is normal to be emotional and okay to feel. She needs to hear that her emotion is OK (she is an emotional MG after all!). Because of how I handled it, I was able to come away form the conversation without feeling bitter or rejected. At one point I sensed they were tiring of a particular topic.  My mom was avoidant in order to not hurt her husband’s feelings and to not be emotional. So, I changed the topic to something they could both handle. I know my mom preferred to be one-on-one with me but when we were alone I didn’t push the uncomfortable topics with her. 

So, even though I received an invitation from both of them, I was able to gauge it correctly so as to not end up with a withdrawal of that invitation.

It is easier when I can distance myself from the situation, remain detached and take things less personally. I tend to take my mom’s “side”, take on her perspective, her emotion, her – everything. If I can be objective it is much easier. I allow myself to feel through all of it without taking ownership of it (consciously or unconsciously). It is very much easier if I remain objective. The statement, “It doesn’t matter” is true because if I remind myself of this then I remain objective and can better navigate the situation. 

This is the solution to my life situation, too. I need to look at everything and distinguish between what is mine and what isn’t. Release ownership for that which isn’t mine; those things don’t matter. Yet at the same time I need to be compassionate to the problems of the Other. It is a “sticky” situation and so necessitates that I be selective, pulling the sticky stuff off little by little so as to not overwhelm the Other which in turn will overwhelm me. 

The most difficult part of remaining objective, for me, is that my children are so much a part of me and my definition of Self. This isn’t an issue with my relationship, really, as I feel very much separate from my husband and able to hold my own in many ways. I’ve been working on maintaining firm boundaries with him for a long time and feel like I’m doing really well. Yet my children feel part of me and so to distance myself from their wants/needs is difficult. 

I think what is most odd for me is that, when I am able to disconnect from all the entanglement with the Other, I am left with very little. I am really so….simple. So simple, so “boring” that I immediately reject it and replace it with what I have been conditioned to believe is ideal. But the scene I pursue is not mine. It is a scene of constant movement and doingness – having a job, money, friends, projects. But my simple – True – Self says I need none of that to be happy. Sure I may need some to survive but aspiring for more than I need is not necessary. Having more is icing on the cake. 

In Costa Rica I was face to face with the simplicity of myself and it made me very uncomfortable. For as long as I can remember I’ve been in near constant motion. Doing and doing until the day is gone. I don’t get tired, not physically, unless I really exert myself. The tiredness that other Projectors speak of, for me, isn’t physical, it’s mental and/or energetic. I lose the ability to tolerate life – people, motion, activity, etc. So it is clear that I’ve been conditioned to accept more doingness than is natural for me. 

Since I live and work in places filled with Generators, the motion I find myself in is an attempt to release all the energy I acquire from those Generators. As long as I live in this house with my Generator family I will have this extra energy. If I don’t move my body to release the energy I feel agitated, grumpy, and cannot tolerate very much. Life feels heavy and burdensome when this pattern goes on for too long. Thus, I find myself seeking a reprieve via a vacation or just extended alone time. 

I am reminded of advice I wanted to give my mom yesterday, but didn’t (because she didn’t ask). The advice was to take one thing and focus on that rather than be overwhelmed by the seemingly endless list of things that need to be done. For her, I wanted to ask her to pick the thing she felt was most important or that needed priority over the others. So, for myself, if I do that, the priority SHOULD be me, but what I tend to do is prioritize Others – my children specifically and then my husband after them.

So, my focus before anything else should be to prioritize myself. Listen to myself, learn to love being the simple version I seem to want to run away from. Stop putting conditions on myself. There is no need to do anything except what feels right in the moment.

Flow. 

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HD Self-Projected Projector: Speak Your Truth

I consistently hear that Self-Projected Projectors (SPPs) need to use their voice (speak out loud) to find clarity. I’d always thought that my journal writing and blogging was as good as using my actual voice but am beginning to second guess this. The more I read the experiences of other SPP’s, the more I’m reminded of times when I did use my voice and how it made me feel when I used it.

This morning I read a comment in an SPP group. The person suggested to the original poster that they should have someone not only available to listen but also to ask questions. The questions are perhaps the most important since it is through questions that deeper clarity is gained.

When I read this comment I was transported to memories of times when I had an interested audience who asked questions for clarification. In all instances, whether spiritual or otherwise, when I spoke it was a surprise to me what came out. It was so wise and Knowing! My closest friends knew this about me and would frequently ask me questions to pull the knowledge out. Every time this occurred I would feel wonderful and….successful.

I thoroughly enjoyed it for a while, until the information no longer flowed. Why was that? Perhaps it is because I have no one to listen or ask questions anymore? Even my blog has seemingly gone flat with fewer views, likes and comments. Without that interaction the inspiration doesn’t flow and neither does the information and Knowing.

The few times someone has been available to listen, I’ve become so emotional that I struggle to speak. My throat closes up and this pressure feels to build until it is almost unbearable. The emotion has to be released. Without an outlet the emotion becomes stuck, blocked and stagnant.

The people in the SPP group have various methods of using their voice, mostly apps for voice recordings and journaling. These methods have never appealed to me. Why is that? It doesn’t feel safe to me. I think it is because I am surrounded by my family most all the time but also because, growing up, I was judged and criticized for using my voice to speak my truth. The more acceptable method was singing but, again, only sometimes.

I’ve tried creating videos but these don’t appeal to me either. I’m too critical of how I look. I judge my appearance harshly and feel that others will immediately judge me for how I speak, look or act as well as for what I share. Watching myself on video makes me cringe. Hearing myself isn’t much better.

It is when I speak with another in-person that I feel most comfortable. Groups of people are also comfortable, but only if they all show an interest in what I have to say. In other words, only if there is an invitation given.

If I think back on those moments when my spiritual experiences and Kundalini were at the most amazing and awe-inspiring, it was because someone was there to listen, someone who wanted to hear what I had to say, who was interested in me and my truth, and who encouraged me to share by asking questions. Without them I wonder if I would’ve had any breakthroughs at all? Maybe but not nearly as many.

So how do I proceed from here? How do I put myself in a situation where there are others willing to listen without judgement and who eagerly ask the right questions?

Perhaps I will try to out the apps mentioned in the group just to see if it works. Right now I know that what I have been doing is no longer working. I’m blocked emotionally and tired of feeling numb. The emotion is there, I know it is, but without someone to ask the right questions, will recording myself work?

As I wrote that last question I heard from within the quiet Voice that has always been there and Knew instantly that the questions are available if I listen for them. In fact, throughout this lifetime that Voice has asked me questions, nudging me forward, taking me deeper, pushing me into action when the time was right.

Still, though, I think the time has come for me to start slowly emerging from my hermitage. Alone is great until it isn’t. The problem is, I don’t.want.to (picture stubborn child hiding in the corner). Someone will have to lure me out of hiding with something irresistible. Until then, I guess I will try talking out loud to myself and see if it helps. Hopefully no one overhears me (gawd). lol

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Dream: Time to Refuel

Life continues to keep me busier than usual. Spring typically brings lots of “new” and it is in full swing here in Texas. My daughter just had her 14th birthday yesterday (yay!) – the same day as the full moon eclipse! This week is full of preparations for the end of the school year which is just eight school days away and hopefully very soon I will be in the office training a new AP Manager (yippie!) to take over the majority of my duties. Next week my husband is leaving for a nine day motorcycle road trip with his brother which coincides with the last week of school – class parties, 5th and 8th grade graduation (I have both this year) and a choir concert to boot. No rest for the weary, I guess!

In all my busyness I don’t get much time to just be. It is obvious that I need stop and b.r.e.a.t.h.e. Even my dreams say so!

Dream: Time to Refuel

I was at mom’s house. My brother was there but he looked young, around 12yrs. We were going out to eat, to breakfast I think since that was the kind of food I saw in my mind. We headed to my car, climbed in and left for town.

On the way my mom pointed to the car’s gauges and said, “Looks like you’ll need to stop and get gas”. I looked at the fuel gauge and at first thought it showed full but upon closer inspection saw it was indeed at empty. For some reason “empty” was interpreted as “completely full” in my mind. I told her that it shouldn’t need gas based upon when I last filled it. I also said, “I haven’t driven it much. Someone must’ve siphoned gas from it”. I was confused, looking back in my memory for trips I’ve taken to try and make sense of the information. The only thing that made sense was that someone stole the gas, especially since stealing gas has been common lately with the high gas prices.

I recall the road I drove on was curvy and it was dark outside. The sense was that it was not close to dawn but closer to midnight.

Then we were in a hotel room in a large bed. My mom and brother were on my right. I was laying on my back feeling very relaxed and easily drifting off.

This is when the dream became more lucid. I could feel my body, how heavy and relaxed it was. I could feel how I was positioned – on my back, arms by my side, legs straight. I was so relaxed I could feel my jaw release and my mouth open. As I lay there, an energy swept over me that was familiar. It came with a slight sensation of falling. The energy moved through me in waves from feet to head and then head to feet. It was a wonderful, relaxed feeling and one I was keen to continue to fall deeper into.

This is when I felt someone lightly touching my legs. The sensation of touch went slowly up from my ankle towards my hips; sensual message. It felt wonderful and I relaxed into it. When I tried to sense who it was, there was no one there.

As I began to recognize I was likely in that in-between state where I could shift OOB, I heard voices to my right. My brother had woken way too early and was climbing around, talking and full of energy. I ignored it and focused back on the wonderfully heavy feeling. Again, I could feel the sensual massage, this time originating near my hip and moving down my thigh. I felt a bit embarrassed as I felt the sensation go over my thigh but pushed the thought away. It didn’t matter. I sent mental encouragement to whomever was helping me, urging them to continue.

Then I was hit on the top of my head by something. Turning, I saw my brother climbing around, unable to stay still in his eagerness to embrace the new day. I sighed and heard my mom tell him to get out of the bed. “Go get ready”, she said. I remember complaining. “It’s too early to wake up. It’s 5am.”

I focused my attention back on the heavy energy, encouraging it to return. It did but every time I focused on relaxing, the dream would interrupt – a voice, a bump, a distraction of some sort. In fact, noises from my own home began to intrude – our dog barked, my boys talking, the sound of footsteps.

When I finally woke up, I was laying in my own bed just as I had been laying in the dream. My mouth was extremely dry from being wide open for so long. I rarely sleep like that!

Considerations

I lingered in bed as long as I could. I didn’t want to get up and leave the warm, heaviness of slumber. I heard my guidance and said, “I want to sleep forever.” In our conversation I mentioned not wanting to deal with the events of the coming day. I had no interest. Sleep was so much better. My guidance reminded me of how fleeting my time here is and that “sleep”, which I so loved, would also end with this life. I saw he had a point and acknowledged it.

The dream symbolism seems to indicate that I am feeling “empty” but not really acknowledging the fact. Instead, I interpret the fuel tank as completely full. My mom (my wiser, maternal self) has to remind me I need to fill up.

Hotels are symbolic of shifts in personal identity; a new state of mind. It’s an indicator that I need to move away from old habits and ways of thinking. It may also indicate that I am seeking a reprieve from my normal, daily life. The interruption by my brother is representative of the interruptions of life. My children and responsibilities towards them come to mind.

The sensual massage was likely my desire to relax and enjoy being touched. One of my favorite ways to relax is through touch. Regular massage is good for easing aches and pains, but sensual massage is much more relaxing IMO. When I was a small girl my grandmother would often help me relax by lightly stroking my spine up and down. I would immediately settle.

The overall message seems to be that I need to pay attention and move away from the old into “the new”. At the very least it could indicate that I should go on another vacation. 🙂

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Healing and Dealing

I’ve not been posting much lately. There are a few reasons for this. The first is I’ve had no desire to do so. The next is that I’ve been super busy with life. The last is the consideration that some things I post are too personal and it may be time to keep them to myself.

Since around mid-March I’ve been going through a healing phase. Mostly the healing occurs during dreamtime and, though I’m aware that it is going on because I often wake in tears or with a guide close by, I have been paying little attention. I mentioned this when I posted about my recent trip to Mexico and the pattern continues. I keep thinking, “I’ll post about it when this phase is complete” because, usually, the way I perceive things shifts dramatically after some time has passed and I’ve had time to recover from all the intense purging. I thought for sure the healing would stop but it hasn’t. The only change is that I am more aware of what the healing involves and why it is happening.

The dreams I’m having continue to incite emotion ranging from tears with an unknown cause to intense sobbing with a full understanding of why. The more aware I’ve become of the healing occurring in dreamtime, the more I seem to remember upon waking. Many of the most intensely emotional dreams are the result of dream encounters with two people from the not-so-distant past (since 2014). Mixed in with these encounters are dreams where I am teaching and working with children. These dreams appear to be counseling sessions exploring my future options in regards to career path.

And the healing isn’t limited to dreamtime. When I wake my days are also emotional, just in a different way. I’ve only just realized my waking life is a continuation of what is occurring in my dreams. I cry more often, especially when I speak my Truth. I’m noticing signs despite not really looking for them.

For example, on a morning walk not long ago, a neighbor was having a moving sale. My husband happened to be walking with me that morning and wanted to buy some tools. He had to leave in a hurry, so I went back to pay only to be invited into the house to see what else was for sale. Turns out, the woman moving was selling a ton of metaphysical and spiritual items. She had an entire room devoted to this which I was immediately drawn to. It wasn’t long before the two of us were chatting about all the things we had in common. I discovered she is a Reiki Master Teacher and gave healing in her home. The room was full of crystals and I told her, “I could stay in this room forever,” as I choked back tears. We talked for about two hours and I ended up buying as many of her things as I could. Since this encounter I’ve turned an entire room of my house into a reading/art/music/mediation room in an attempt to re-create the energy I felt in her healing room.

Other signs are all around me, all pointing to the same thing, “Change”. I often feel panicked when I notice the signs because of how numerous they can be. In one day I might have four or five while other days there are none (that I notice). Add these messages in with the dreamwork I’ve been doing and you can image how I’ve been feeling!

During times like these (healing, greater Knowing), I can be spontaneous. This is what happened when I went to the moving sale. I had no clue what I would do with all the items I purchased, I just Knew I needed them. I ended up with a massage table, a new deck of tarot cards, crystals, pillows, chimes…the list goes on. Then I just Knew I needed to transform a space in my house to create a space for these items to live and I got right to it.

The new space in progress – after furniture was moved out and spiritual items were moved in.
The new healing space. Plenty of room to set up the massage table or do yoga.

I’ve had another feeling (Knowing) and that is to quit my job and do something else. The thing is that the situation is a complicated mess in so many ways. One, I have no idea what the something else IS that I will do. Two, my accounts payable duties and responsibilities are known only by me and to just up and leave would put the company at risk. I would need to train someone to take over. That is the responsible thing to do, anyway.

I also have my husband pushing back. He doesn’t want me to leave the company. So while I am trying to exit stage right he is attempting to put me into a position of higher responsibility. I’ve been telling him I’m overwhelmed, not enjoying my job, and feeling the weight of all the added responsibility. I even requested an assistant. I got approval on my request for an assistant but it has been on hold for weeks now because he hasn’t pushed the paperwork through to HR. Instead, I’m being asked to come into the office every day to receive training on my new duties.

It can feel like I’m getting nowhere. Some days it is very difficult to resist the urge to quit. Really difficult.

It was only recently that I recognized some of my impulsive urges may be a return to the past and how I was feeling then. The feelings may have nothing at all to do with present time. Nothing. Since then the urges have lessened, replaced with a sense that all is happening as it should and to let things unfold.

And finally, I am just really, really busy lately! It seems like I don’t have enough time in the day to do what I want to do – what I enjoy. This is partially due to putting in more office hours (versus working from home), but also life just happens. It seems like every weekend there is some event we have to go or some plan made that I forgot about. Then there are the irritating life hiccups that come along like discovering fraud on our checking account necessitating closing the account, opening a new one and directing all ACH bill payments to the new account. OMG it’s been a PITA. When I found out I took it well but not before taking a break to just scream at the top of my lungs in frustration. Surprisingly, it made me feel a ton better. lol

Featured photo: Card draw I did for myself with my new deck – The Crystal Ally Cards.

Message for Card #1. Question: What should I do in regards to my current situation?
Message of card #2. Question: How do I speak my truth?
Message of card #3. Question (request): I need more guidance.