I went to bed asking my guidance to help me with hope. I did not wake up with hope. Instead, I got a lesson on the power of manifestation and a reminder that I am very, very good at it.
Dream
The only dream I remember is going through an old photo album (memories) which reminded me of a my high school memory book except that it had pictures beyond and before that time. There were actual drivers licenses – mine, my sister’s and her husband’s. I saw that I looked pretty much the same in the pictures of all of mine. There was one each for my sister and BIL. My sister had huge eyes and looked very innocent and young. My BIL looked the same. He entered the dream and told me his was an ID not a license. I was showing pictures to my mom I think and maybe my daughter while sharing memories.
I was taken to a grove of tall, bare trees and sat beneath them to talk/discuss my path with my guidance. The scene reminded me of a tarot card and the “circle of life”. I recall being asked which path I wanted to take. One path was a road I think and the other was a waterpark. The choice felt easy to me. I didn’t want to take a trip. I preferred the waterpark.
So I was taken to the waterpark which was located under ground. It resembled a flooded parking garage (lack of movement, stagnation). It had thick, concrete pillars (strength) and I couldn’t see the floor for all the water. Every once in a while a powerful waterjet would turn on and shoot people really far through the garage. It looked fun enough. I remember watching a jet and thinking I needed to be away from one of the pillars when it went off so that it didn’t shoot me directly into one. That seemed like it would be painful.
At Home, Feeling Dead
When I woke up I was talking with my guidance. We were discussing what I wanted to do in life. I was saying I preferred to just sleep – all day, all night…forever. I like to sleep. Memory of the dream where I was looking through a photo album came to mind but instead of the events of the dream I was reminded of various points in my life. I remember discussing ideas of things I could do in life, but nothing felt worthwhile. I stated it was too much work for too little reward. All the things I have done which brought about feelings of success eventually lost their appeal over time and the little bit of success I have felt was so small compared to all the exhaustion and lack of movement/progress. There was nothing in this world that didn’t come without investment of time and effort. You can’t create something and then it continue to exist indefinitely. It will eventually crumble and be destroyed. That is the nature of this place.
An example that comes to mind is building or buying a home. You invest time and money in gaining the home and then have to continue with upkeep. I am fine with that. I like cleaning and keeping things nice, especially if they are things I enjoy. Yet with a house you also have to make payments, pay taxes, pay utility bills and follow the “rules” or else the government can take it. Get behind on your taxes and guess what? The government takes it. All that work and then….nothing.
In my past, I worked hard to get good grades so that I would graduate at the top of my class. I succeeded but then I soon learned that my motivation was based upon a lie. No one cared that I was top of my class. Grades never really mattered. It was a control tactic used by the system to get me to believe in their lie. I ended up with a college degree because that was what I was suppose to do. All that hard work and the end result was years of toil working in a flawed system, feeling exhausted and experiencing very little success.
Similarly, with love and romance, it has been the same pattern. At first it is all amazing but over time that feeling fades and is replaced with so much expectation that I feel as if I will break under the pressure. The “love” becomes a trap I can’t escape.
Career is similar. I am at a job a while. I enjoy it at first. It is challenging and I have wins. Over time I get bored and eventually want to leave. If I don’t leave then I resent the job and the people connected to it. Again, I work hard and end up hugely disappointed with a sour taste in my mouth.
Even the interactions I’ve had with people – friends/acquaintances – have been like this. When I meet someone I think they truly see me and value me for what I can offer. Sometimes this is true and it is nice – for a short time. Ultimately what happens is they get what they want and then I am invisible to them.
So, when my guidance encourages me to invest myself in something I feel might be worthwhile in some way every idea I have is snuffed out because I know, based upon experience of how this physical reality works, that everything I put my time and effort into ultimately cannot be sustained. Build a house. Why? It will only exhaust me to keep it. Start a new career? Why? So I can lose interest after a few month and leave? Help a person. Why? So I can watch them go downhill despite all my help?
The only thing that ever interests me now is finding a companion/partner who I feel that Divine connection with. However, even that has proved unsustainable and ultimately horribly painful. So even if I were presented with that gift again, I would probably turn my back on it because I know what the end result will likely be and I do not want to suffer through that kind of pain ever again.
After I told my guidance all of the above, the response I received was: “Then you are dead.” I agreed.
Now, as I sit here contemplating everything I just wrote, I think, “I have no problem with that [being dead]. Isn’t that what I’ve asked for all along?”
My request and response to life and my guidance has often been: “I wish I were dead.”
Yep. Guess I got what I asked for only the kind of dead I meant was not what I received. What I mean is to be out of this physical body and reality and back Home. Yet the word “dead” describes a state of nonexistence, the opposite of alive, so that is what I have received. I do not exist. I am invisible. I am dead.
I actually looked up the definition of “dead” and there are so many definitions of it. I see now why I have come to this place of deadness.
Some words that fit my life that are the definition of “dead”:
Numb
Unresponsive
Extinguished
Barren
Lacking power or effect
No longer having interest, relevance or significance
Obsolete
Extinct
Stagnant
So, all these years, most of my lifetime, I’ve said: “I wish I were dead.” So that is exactly what I received.
As time passed, the above phrase shifted to, “I want to go Home.” The response I get from my guidance is always, “You are home.” This is because “Home” means a place of residence usually with family. It is one’s place of origin, also. I have gotten both Home and home, yet because of my lack of specificity in my request and because of the use of “want” describing the lack of, I have received something altogether different from my request. Ultimately I have been given a home that feels “wanting” or full of lack. I have always felt this way about this physical reality. So, again, I have gotten what I requested.
The above recognition leaves me feeling defeated. I’ve spent my entire life asking to die and to go Home. I’ve received both, though not as I intended. Here I am, at home, feeling dead.
Insert curse words I do not want to type out.
Add to the above that I often tell my guidance, “I want to sleep forever” and you get an even more challenging situation. Sleep = oblivion, lack of awareness, staying in the dark, etc. So I am home, feeling/being dead and avoiding all awareness of it.
Well then I am just [insert curse word].
Now What?
The first time I said to myself (and my guidance), “I wish I were dead”, was when I was a small child around the age of 7. That is a very long time to be manifesting deadness. A looooong time. The request has become habitual over time. It is my go-to when I am struggling, feeling disappointed, and bored with life. I am effectively perpetuating deadness.
For a while now my guidance has been asking me “What do you want”. I honestly have no idea. Usually I know what I do not want. In this case, I think I’ve had enough of being dead. Yeah. It sucks.
But nearly 40 years of manifesting deadness leaves me with no idea what to replace it with. When all I feel is deadness, how then do I begin to feel alive?
Perhaps all of the above clarity is my guidance providing hope? I suppose it is since, after almost 40 years, I am finally seeing this huge mess I created.
I sense amusement from my Team. I say to them, “Not funny.” I hear back, “Jokes on you.”
Living Life in Between 
I am so with you on this thing. I was dead and came back a couple times but didn’t see my dead family or anyone really that spoke to me directly. Trying to cope with life sucks the breath out of me sometimes and wondering what my partner feels after 27 years is still something I cannot get any answers for. He has been with me for 27 years and I know that I don’t fill his needs yet he stays. Figure that out?? I can’t. I have lost my will recently to be part of anything outside my own bedroom . I can only find peace when I am sleeping and I don’t really sleep for crap anyway so I don’t get to escape. 3:30 am is my wake up time for the most part, its the quiet time for me to think. You are lucky you have your guidance with you. Mine are (@#$%^&*) cowards and won’t show me who they are and that really pisses me off. God pisses me off too. For the first time in life I get to be in this presence that shows me visions of what is coming but doesn’t explain to me what is expected of me now that I get sent back here. During one of my deaths, I was up near the ceiling watching my head only inside a plastic box. I knew I couldn’t breath but I was still here. My body was on the other side of a door that would open occasionally to let my head rest on the body and they would blow breath into me. The back outside that door I go and then hear someone say , ” We are not finished with this one yet”?? Who isn’t finished and why the hell not? God takes my first born and leaves me here to raise her kids when they needed her more than me. I did my time. Maybe not great but I have lived through it. Unfortunately I am one of the most unlucky people on the planet and have horseshoes hanging over all my doors for protection. Pretty dumb huh? Yeah, I think so too. But I guess you have no choice to stick around till someone other than me decides I can go. I am just pissed that they haven’t let me in on the joke.
Anyway, I am right there with you and if you need a friend I can at least be that. Thank you for letting me vent and I think we will both figure it out sooner or later.
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Hi Kathy. ❤ I am so sorry you are struggling and I understand. Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself with me.
I think for those of us who Remember life in these bodies is especially challenging. Despite our guidance seemingly abandoning us, they are in fact always there and available to us if we listen. I know I become so enmeshed in emotion I become more distanced from my Team. When I am angry I cannot hear them or feel them and even though they try to reach me in dreamtime, I am unable to receive their communications when I am in such a state. It is only recently, in my desperation to change my situation I guess, that I surrendered and was able to receive their guidance.
Have you considered that you stepping in for your daughter to raise her children is part of your purpose for continuing in this life of yours? What a gift you must be to them! My children are the best part of my life, and my mother is as well. If I had to choose to leave or stay and I answer truthfully, I would stay to help my children and my mother, even though I want nothing more than to be wrapped up in love safe in the arms of God.
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Hi Dayna,
I read your post and reflected on it later today. I am so in awe of your honesty. I aspire to be as transparent as possible but you are bold and raw whenever you write. I have to say I can relate so much to your post. Every so often I enter a period where I feel like I am just killing time. I also get bored easily and want to move on to the next new thing. There are many explanations for this, but many of us have been doing this 3D thing for eons. It doesn’t mean I am not growing, but most of this existence is so tired. I don’t want to be dead though before my time. We are here or we wouldn’t be. Lately I was remembering a friend [edited] of mine who killed herself while she was young ( around late 20s/early 30s). She was a classmate and a therapist and we became friends at the very start of grad school. She was kind, bright, pretty and adventurous. She loved to travel and was a kind woman. I did not know about her severe depression until after she passed. She could have created a beautiful life. Many miss her , especially her parents. I wish I had known her pain and could have done something. Having said all that, you have a right to your feelings. Maybe part of your purpose is writing so honestly to increase awareness in others. BTW this is NOT a great time to be an Aquarius Rising with a fixed sun( Leo in your case). I blogged about this last evening. The eclipse has pummeled your sun and Ascendant/Descendant axis along with the nodes. Not to mention Pluto transiting the 12th house is a horror show for most of us as all the dreck gets directed from the shadows into the light in order to be transmuted.
I did go on , didn’t I? Maybe this comment is meant to be read for anyone considering suicide.
peace to you,
Linda ❤
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Sorry to hear about your friend. She did sound like she had a bright future.
As for being “bold and raw”, I don’t know any other way to be. 😉 Thankful it doesn’t rub you the wrong way like it does some others.
Just to be clear – I am not considering suicide. My request to be dead, even as a child, was not for actual death. As a little child I understood that when someone died they were “free” from this place. I said it with a feeling of wanting it all to stop – all the pain, confusion and upset that was my life. It was and still is a cry for help. I think that is the case for most people. No one really wants to die. Besides, I know that if I were to prematurely end this life I would have to do it all again. I don’t want to do that for sure! lol
I do hope this post will help others to at least know they are not suffering alone. Depression is rough and I feel like I have become an old pro at it.
Interesting about the eclipse energy and other astrological impacts right now. I had a dream the other night where I was shown the moon and heard “eclipse”. At the time I didn’t know there was one on the 8th (it was a week prior). When the eclipse ended I experienced a slight shift and some relief but the entire week prior I was getting hit with vivid dreams and communication from my guidance (which still continues). I don’t think the Pluto transit is doing anything I’m not already use to, though. It like I’m saying to Pluto – hello darkness my old friend….
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Thanks for clarifying. I am familiar with depression and experienced it myself as a preteen and teen. Luckily it wasn’t as severe as it could have been. Are you quoting The Sounds of Silence?
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That was the song that came to mind. 🙂 After I replied to your comment, I listened to it. Love that song.
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Me too. Simon and Garfunkel are magical. Another song from Paul Simon about depression is I am a rock.
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ps note the typo: fired is to be read as friend.
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I’ll edit it for you.
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😀
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Hey Dayna. For some reason I ended up reading this. I wonder if you are still there in that “dead” space? If so, I can relate.
For the longest time in my life I wanted to be dead. I didn’t fit into life. I tried working really hard, I tried very, very sincerely to be religious, I tried being responsible, married, father, home owner, good job, killing myself because that’s supposed to be a good, worthy, meaningful life – right? Wrong. You know it.
I tried philosophy. I tried to out-think the problem. I thought I was so clever and knowledgeable. I got so lost! ha ha ha.
Then I tried the opposite. I tried parties, drugs, sex, the whole bohemian trip. Fully. Lots of pot, lots of poet and musician friends, screw the system. I burned through years. That didn’t work either. It was fun – beautiful – but empty. A fake pot of flowers.
Everything we desire, then get, turns to ash in the mouth.
Everything.
Relationships. Money. Success. Being a “free spirit,” being good – everything.
I was so disgusted by the whole thing. It was all so bloody pointless.
One day I gave up. I died. I surrendered. I screamed silently and violently at the universe – WTF is going on?
Nothing much happened. It was as if (I AM) was waiting, smiling slyly from behind a corner, trying to see if I was serious.
I was. It took a couple of days, or weeks, can’t remember exact details.
Suddenly it happened. I woke up.
Such love! Such bliss! Such waves upon waves of ecstasy – light years beyond any drug or sex or religion. Such wisdom! Such beauty, such acceptance. I REMEMBERED! OMG. I AM THAT.
But I had this habit of waiting, waiting to die so I could be free – and the habit had dug its roots deep. Waiting to live. To die. To live.
The waiting state of mind. In most of my dreams I’m walking around aimlessly, waiting for something to happen.
When I woke up, my mind became utterly free.
All beliefs shattered. All questions melted.
I could clearly see that want is a trap. As you say – to be wanting is to lack.
But there’s a different thing.
There’s a state where the energy is so full that it overflows, and you just have to get up and share, do, engage, create, compose, play, laugh and sing. For no reason. It’s so pointless, but it’s such a gas! It’s so natural and free. It just happens by itself, You’re not actually DOING it.
You can’t make that state happen. It doesn’t work that way.
The more you try to make it happen, the tighter your grip, and the further it slips away.
The key is in the heart. It is love. Point that love inwards, deliberately, and it creates this feedback thing, like connecting two live wires, or energy bouncing back and forth, getting stronger…. stronger…
We know stuff in our heads – a deep truth. That frees us – but we’re dead – inert – stuck on a cloud – until the heart opens. Then the body.
When that knowing sinks down – down the neck, into the heart – then a door opens.
First a power-heart-space fills up. It comes through the spine, maybe, from the gut and solar-plexus. It is this wave of energy. It reaches the heart, and when that door is open, it fills up the heart space with this feeling of wonder. Gratitude. Humility. connection. sensuality. lighting bolts. fire and warm, gentle, abundant – so abundant – love. I spreads through the body, to the toes, the crown.
There’s not enough space in there for that big love, so it comes out. It gushes out in buckets, and you feel burdened. You have to share it. Give it to the trees, the birds, the sky (which isn’t big enough anymore), the people, the weirdoes, the bums, the stuck-ups, anyone who will accept it. Even people on ACISTE who may not want to hear it! ha ha ha ha !! So much love. I love you, dear one. Please forgive me for intruding to share. I feel burdened with love, and want to give it.
Open the heart wide, then life returns where there was only death.
That’s how it is for me. I still wait, some days. Other day, something gets out of bed and does things, like write messages and things.
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Hi Wayne. Good to see you here. 🙂 Thanks for dropping in.
I read your comment before I even got out of bed this morning, which is not usual for me. Normally, I don’t even look at my phone but I reached for it to check the time and got a nice surprise. Thank you.
Unfortunately, to answer your question, I am still in that dead space most of the time.
I relate to all of what you wrote. Right now I am more familiar with the darker parts but the ones full of Light are very, very familiar.
My heart has been open but I closed it for all the pain it brought. If pain is even the correct word. I think it is better to say there was so much of it, I didn’t know what to do with it all and I asked for it to go away. It did. It was just too overwhelming. Love felt like every.single.emotion that ever was and then some. It was, as you said, gushing out in buckets, and yes, I felt extremely burdened. When I asked, “What do I do [with all this]?” I got no answer. So I just sat with it and cried. It rarely returns. If it does, it is in dreamtime.
Like you said, I can’t make it happen, it doesn’t work that way. I have long given up trying. When my heart opened before it was catalyzed by another. I mistakenly attributed the love to the other person instead of recognizing it was/is me. I have since been in recovery mode. Healing, integrating, whateveryou want to call it. I go through periods of deadness/void, like now. I never know what awaits me on the other side. I am always surprised, though. Always.
Thanks again for your message.
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I hear you, Dayna, and you’re very welcome. I know that words can do very little to change things, but sometimes it helps to know you’re not the only one who is confused, and in pain. I went through hell too. It sounds like you shut the door on feelings. That’s a strategy, for sure, and it kind of happens automatically. We can’t handle the emotional turmoil, so we put it away in a compartment. That compartment is the body. It sits there, making us feel ill. Eventually the only way to the other side of the pain is directly through the middle – complete acceptance and surrender – and weirdly, when we accept, the suffering loses its grip on our body-mind. I hope you get there soon. It took me a while. Remember, it’s always ok – only our minds sustain the suffering. See the story for what it is. You’re magnificent, worthy, full of love and energy, and nothing can break you. You are that which sees the pain, not the pain. Your guide sounds wise. Ha ha. 🙂
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Yes, my guides are wise and have an interesting sense of humor. I think they get a kick out of my reaction to this life and I’m sure when I eventually join them I will be laughing at myself, too.
Crazy sync BTW – About a minute before I got the notification from WP of you comment I got a happy/light feeling which made me smile and laugh out loud. Then I saw you comment and knew why. I love how I can pick up on such things if I am in the right energetic and mental state, which I must have been. So, thanks for that even if unintentional.
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