Monthly Archives: March 2023

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Unexpected Dream Visit

A full night of dreams. I had a surprise dream visit from an online friend. I almost became lucid from it, recognizing I was with him in the dream. This is the second dream now where I realize I’m dreaming but don’t direct the dream afterward.

Dreams

Three-Legged Person

I was in a coffee shop with someone I never saw but we were observing the people in the space and talking about our observations. There was a man dressed all in white standing at the counter. His two legs were in one pant leg only. Across the room was a woman who was similarly dressed all in white and also had two legs in one pant leg. The observation was stated that they must have once been two halves of a whole and how that would’ve looked. I saw the man and woman together, then, walking through the doors as a three-legged person. The large, middle leg was prominent, and they appeared happy. I wondered what it must be like. Surely, it would become uncomfortable after a while and the two would want to be separate and go their own ways? Then I saw the two apart again and my attention was directed to another part of the room.

In front of me was a golden colored, circular table. It was small and obviously meant to seat only two people. On the table were various items. I began to sort through them as I spoke to my companion. The only item I remember now is a small, boxy purse that had a latch on the front. I didn’t open it but set it on the table. 

I remember being informed about a friend’s love issues. He was struggling and seemed to have experienced yet another failed romance. I remember commenting that I wasn’t surprised by this. It was at this point I think that a decision was made but I can’t remember what it was. This is where the dream ended.

Genetic Manipulation 

The above dream blanks out and I shifted into a new scene. Note: I think what actually happens is I enter a different stage of sleep and the shift occurs when I re-enter REM.

I was walking across a green field (emotional and intimate connection with another) with a man. I could see a single-lane, paved road (life path) ahead of us and more green fields on the other side of the road. It was a very beautiful place and I felt at ease there with the man.

Some cats (feminine sexuality, creativity) cross our paths and I notice one had very strange color markings that reminded me of a red fox. It’s body is mostly black but its feet, ears, paws and tail were red. The man mentions genetic manipulation caused the odd patterning and I brought up gene splicing but he insisted this kind of manipulation was very different. It felt like the manipulation changed the very core of the sequence creating a newly evolved cat. We talked in depth about the female cat (Divine Feminine) who mothered this “mutant” cat but most of it is lost.

We continued walking towards the road. When we cross it the direction we were walking continues straight ahead but my perspective turns back in the direction from which we came. It is like someone picked up the whole scene and turned it around. It was momentarily disorienting and I noted it in the dream.

Our discussion changed to manipulation of human genes. My friend spoke about his research and I begin to regard him as a doctor. We entered a building and know there is a research team meeting in a separate room from where we are. My friend remains with me and continues to talk about his research. 

Something about the way he talks and his mannerisms brings to my awareness a person I know in waking reality. Smiling to myself, I am amused by this person’s tendency to go on and on about topics that interest them. I turn and look at him, confirming he is who I know him to be, and think, “I wonder if he knows who I am?” We are standing in front of a counter, both of us leaning on it, our forearms nearly touching. He is still talking about his research. I look down at his bare arm and move mine up against his and then touch his hand. Looking up at him, I ask him, “Do you know who I am?” He pauses and confirms that he does. Our connection is apparent in that moment and I feel a strong desire to get very close and snuggle with him. It is a very friendly, familial and comfortable feeling.

He continues talking, thoroughly immersed in the topic. He asks me about pregnancy (new life, potential) and I remember talking to him about my SIL’s experiences with miscarriage. His interest lies in the experience of pregnancy, though, and he asks me to recount my own experience. I wonder what part he is interested in and ask, “What month? Maybe the 5th?” He says he is interested only how it felt. I focus in on a memory of one of my pregnancies and see my baby laying sideways across my mid-section. I describe this and he askes, “But how does it feel?”  I try to feel into the memory and describe what I feel.

Next, he offers me a bag of M&M’s (sweetness, temptation). I laugh, feeling suddenly playful, and grab it. He asks me to pick one and see if I can pick the red (passion, sexuality) one. I dig into the bag, sneaking a peak, and select a red one. I place it in front of him and hand him the bag. I feel successful.

I am surprised to have had a dream visit and lay thinking about it for a while. A song is on my mind throughout this time, specifically this part: “Get out of my head”. I’m not sure why this song was going through my mind but it might have to do with the ending of the dream where I am being asked to focus on how I feel.

Towed

Again a shift and I find myself on the phone with a female friend of mine. She tells me her car was towed and their other car broke down. The conversation is cut short. She has to go. I tell her, “If there is anything I can do, let me know.” 

Then I am in the parking lot (paused in life, waiting) with her husband. He is explaining that a private lot where they use to park suddenly began to tow vehicles parked illegally without informing anyone of their decision. His wife’s car was one of those. He showed me the fence they put up. It had barbed wire on the top. He showed me the area where they had parked. It was not in a space but in a corner. There was another car parked in a similar corner that he said would soon be towed. I remember noting the parking lot was not paved but gravel with very green grass around the edges. My friend’s husband seemed worried but also like he normally does in waking reality, making it seem like he had everything handled. This is rarely the case, though. 

This is the third dream about my friend in a couple of weeks. In this particular dream, it feels like I am being given a glimpse at a current life issue. Towed car could indicated an unexpected life path disruption. That her husband’s car is broken down indicates his life path is unchanged, unmoving, or stuck. He is confident he can help but he can’t and she knows it.

Song

When I woke I recognized how the first two dreams were related. The first dream appeared to be about my friend’s issues with romantic relationships. He desires a close partnership where the two are as one (three-legged person) but ultimately the two do not remain that way. The second was a continuation of the first dream but he had changed the topic to genetic research. 

I was surprised to have had a dream visit from this friend. I haven’t heard from him (in dreams or otherwise) in quite some time. It seems he was sharing some of his life experiences with me as well as some of his current research interests. The feeling in the dream gave me the sense that we often guide/assist one another.

As I attempted to return to sleep, a song chorus came to mind – “Everybody hurts sometime. Everybody lose their mind. Yeah, we’re gonna be alright. You can rely on me”.

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Answer Received

The Lightning Strike played yesterday. I barely noticed it, but when I did, I remember thinking, “Hmmm, interesting.” 

I asked to be shown in my dreams how to resolve my current life issues.

Dreams

Lots and lots of dreams. The answer to my question was answered.

Avoidance

This dream is difficult to recall in full because it was one of the first of the night. What I remember most vividly is trying to avoid running into a certain man who seemed to be following me. The avoidance came in the form of hiding, sneaking around and even running. I was conversing with someone, probably a guide, throughout. Again, no memory of what was discussed, just a sense that it was about the situation playing out in the dream. 

I woke from the dream knowing instantly who it was I was running from and having vivid recall of what he looked like in the dream. 

Not My Dream

I was with a man in a white sedan. He was short, with light brown hair, deep seated smile lines and a eyes that had a sparkle to them. I liked him and trusted him. We were both in the front seat of a the car with the seats fully reclined. I was in the driver’s seat. The car wasn’t driving but flying very quickly. I could see the scenery blurring by, the colors mixing to create a spectacular visual that reminded me of time travel or interdimensional travel. 

I turned to the man and asked, “So this is how you do it?” “It” here meant going with the flow, letting life take the lead and letting go of control. He laughed and confirmed. I knew, at this point, I was dreaming but it wasn’t my dream, it was his. Perhaps this is why I didn’t become lucid? 

I pulled up and away, discarding the perspective from inside the car, and saw us both from above. We were laying down in the car. The car was driving itself across a vast blue that reminded me of an ocean, but it was some kind of bridge, or at least that is how I perceived it. I could see the colors swirling around our tiny bodies in the car.

Shifting my perspective back “down”, I experienced a strange sense of becoming very small. It was almost disorienting but it didn’t bother me. I asked the man, “Are we little now?” I don’t remember his response but I think he confirmed with a laugh.

Eventually we stopped moving, but the vivid colors still swirled around us. It was as if we were both inside a tube of some kind. The man was laying beside me, just like he had been in the car. A blue “blanket” of color rested over the top of us. The man began to shift his position from beside me to on top of me. I saw his face clearly in this moment but I didn’t recognize him as anyone I’d seen before. A rush of energy hit my heart and core. It was magnificent and I sighed with relief, fully ready for what would come next. Unfortunately, I woke up.

Another Life

I was a mother. The connection I had with my son was beyond beautiful. It was a familiar connection – a heart connection. The dream began with me seeing my son at around the age of 18. My heart overflowed with love. 

When I looked at him, I recalled my life with him. The memories came all at once, mostly intensely powerful feelings, feelings a mother should not have for her son. So, it is no surprise that I struggled internally, wanting to be more than a mother to him. Yet, the feeling was not sexual, but rather a deep desire to be as close to him as possible. The magnetic quality made it very difficult to resist hovering and I became extremely possessive of him and my time with him. It wasn’t a jealous possessiveness but more a protectiveness.

My son was in the process of saying goodbye. He was leaving home for college. The pain I felt is indescribable. It was like my heart was being ripped out. I didn’t want him to leave. Even as he looked at me with eyes full of love and understanding, my heart was hurting. There are no words to describe the pain. I wanted nothing more than for him to stay with me – forever. I knew he wouldn’t because what I wanted, what we both wanted, was not allowed. A mother and a son cannot be together like that. 

I began to cry and my son looked at me, his eyes full of compassion and love. He said, “You don’t have to cry.” I replied, “I don’t want you to leave.” The split feeling I experienced was excruciating. 

Message: Finish What You Started

I woke, tears in my eyes, my heart filled with a familiar pain mixed with a powerful love. I had complete understanding of what had just happened. What I was seeing was another life. I don’t think it was a past life, but a future one. What the me in that life had to go through was torture. The heart connection is beyond powerful. It was difficult enough for me to experience it in this life, but to spend 18 very close years as mother and son, and then the rest of my life, with a heart connection, wanting a relationship that could never be, THAT is beyond torture. OMG, how cruel!

I didn’t see beyond that point in time. My guess is the torture would lead me to killing myself. That is what happened in other lifetimes I’ve recalled with my heart connection. I couldn’t take it. It was just too much.

My son in that life was less conflicted than me. He understood that love like ours was special and he didn’t grieve like I did. He knew that no matter where we were, how far apart or how long we were separated, that our love would remain. Yet he still felt pain at our situation. Not only did he feel his pain, but mine, too.

To think that after this lifetime, which has been challenging enough, I have plans to further challenge myself in such a way, is beyond crazy. It definitely puts things in perspective. At least in this life I’m not plagued with guilt about incestual relations! lol

The feelings from the above dream remained for some time. It became clear that part of the message “turn around” has to do with revisiting the heart connection experience. The lessons related to that connection from this lifetime will impact the next. I can’t escape it. 

To return to that lesson, to open up my heart and feel the total decimation again, well that would take tons of courage. I’m not sure I have that kind of courage. Yet, if I am able to overcome and move through the pain, what lies beyond feels magnificent. I think, though, it means making some difficult choices. 

Can I go with the flow like in the second dream? Or will I keep running, avoiding the pain like in the first dream? One thing is clear, when I woke this morning I was relieved. Relieved because, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel numb inside. Feeling my heart blast open, even though muted, made me feel alive. I would rather feel alive, even if it is riddled with pain, than dead. I am tired of feeling dead. 

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Dream: Wac(k)o

March 24th. Good sleep, lots of dreams. No lucidity. No surprise.

Dreams

Didn’t bother to jot down notes after the dreams so my recall is low except for the last dream.

Visiting Houses

Me and my family (didn’t recognize any of them though) were visiting various houses. From the outside, they looked like small, quaint abodes. No reason to think they would be different on the inside from each other. However, inside, the houses were very different. In the first few houses the inside was just one, large room with bathroom, kitchen, bedroom and living room all in one space. In the first couple, beds were in the middle of the space, kitchens were just a sink and a stove, bathrooms were a toilet. As we continued, the houses began to change little by little. In the next few, the one room had better bathroom facilities such as an entire bathtub in the middle of the wall in the center and kitchen countertops with fridges that were very shallow and topped with microwaves. Still, as we progressed, the one room would  be sectioned off and a very tiny, bedroom would be in the space.

The last house we visited was very unlike the others. It was bigger inside and had levels, a kitchen, a reading nook and various small stairs leading to the levels. As we walked through, I marveled at the books in the space and the way it was decorated. 

The man who owned the house was there and he was very nice. When I looked closely at him he resembled someone familiar. His face was severely wrinkled, though, like he was very, very old.

At one point, I walked up some steps, leaning on the rails, which then broke under my weight. The owner approached and helped me. He said, “I need to fix that. Someone’s going to get hurt.” He peered over the rails, so I did, also, expecting a long drop. There wasn’t one.

I mentioned to the man how I liked his books and commented he had “all the good ones”. He laughed, pointing to a book I had just passed and saying, “That’s a sequel”. I continued back towards the front of the house. I marveled at a fish aquarium that was sealed in glass. It looked like a mini version of the one I have in waking life. I wondered how he could feed the fish but thought it a good idea that it was sealed, that way it never had to be cleaned. 

I liked the man’s house and thought, “I could live here.”

In Custody

I was driving a white care along a highway. My friend was in the car with me. I remember she and I were planning to go on a long trip but were doing some shopping before we left. I thought about driving on the highway and didn’t want to. It made me anxious. So, I told her, “I don’t want to drive on the highway. Maybe we can just keep shopping?” I kept driving. In my mind I was thinking it safer to stay close to town in a familiar area. 

As I drove, I kinda blanked out, staring off as if in a trance. I was pulled out of my reverie when my friend grabbed the wheel from me. I felt the car brake suddenly as it veered to the side of the road and came to a stop. I could do nothing but let it happen. My friend pointed and I saw a patrol car’s flashing lights behind us. 

I immediately jumped out of the car and apologized to the approaching officer, telling him I didn’t see him and feeling uncertain as to why he stopped me. I felt weird. I told him I had a headache and wasn’t feeling very good, which wasn’t true. I just didn’t know how to describe what I felt. He took me with him. I don’t recall being handcuffed, though.

Then I was inside a narrow building sitting in a seat that reminded me of the seats on a school bus. My husband was with me and my friend was gone. I was confused and didn’t know where I was. I remember the officer questioning us and seeing him writing on slips of paper, like tickets. This is when I became aware that I was wearing a warm, winter hat and a heavy coat because my head began to get warm and I took off the hat. I said, “I bet they’re wondering why I’m wearing a hat.” A woman, wearing a fleece hat, looked at me and I remember thinking I wasn’t the only one.

I got antsy as I waited, confused. Somehow, I ended up going for a walk outside the tiny police station. My friend was there again and I was talking aloud, wondering how we got there and where we were. The terrain was unfamiliar to where I thought we were going. What I recall seeing is tall, thick trees and vegetation, occasional boulders, and deep ditches. The road itself was only a two lane, paved highway, and very narrow. I could see no towns or evidence of people anywhere.

Eventually, I zoned out again. When I came out of my zombie-like state, I was walking north and all alone. I turned to look back at where I had come from and realized I had walked quite a distance from the station. I could see it, a blue, oblong container-like unit sitting amidst tall pine trees. So, I turned and ran back, hoping my absence wasn’t noticed and I wouldn’t get in more trouble. I dropped my black, winter coat somewhere along the roadside.

I entered the station, which again was very narrow and resembled the inside of a bus. No one seemed to notice my absence. The officer was handing out the judge’s decisions. They were in the form of letters in envelopes. The woman next to me was handed hers and then the officer handed me a piece of paper with lots of writing on it. It had my husband’s name on it, not mine. The slip indicated he was free to go, no charges, no fines. My husband wasn’t there, though.

Another person near me was being questioned before being released. The questions were about some pills he had with him. I had a visual of a small bag of tiny, pink pills. Specifically, the officer asked if the pills could be crushed and snorted, and, if so, would taking too many cause hemorrhage. I don’t remember the answer but I knew the answer was “yes” because I had a vision of someone’s nose bleeding uncontrollably.  

Confused, I wondered where my slip was. I was never handed one. Instead, the entire station began to move. I looked out the window and saw the scenery I had just seen on my walk. I thought, “Maybe I will find my coat on the side of the road somewhere.” Unfortunately, the road went by fast and I couldn’t make out anything on the side of it. 

Eventually, it was obvious we had traveled far beyond where I had walked. The scenery began to look more and more treacherous, with boulders, steep ditches, downed trees and obstacles that had been moved aside. I saw where the old road had been, a road that was familiar, but it had been closed because of downed trees and other damage. The bus went left on a detour road. This road was only two, well-traveled juts cut into dirt and gravel. 

I knew we were traveling in the opposite direction to where I wanted to go. In my mind, I saw us in Texas, traveling north. I somehow got it in my head that we were going to Waco. To my right, I saw a small town taking form. It looked like something from another time. I heard a voice over a loudspeaker as we passed the town but can’t remember what it said. Whatever it was, it made me nervous and upset and I didn’t want to be on the bus, going wherever it was going.

I began to panic because I had left my cell phone in my coat pocket. What would I do in this far away place without any way to communicate with the people I know? I told the officer up front, “I don’t have my phone. I left it in my jacket pocket, which I dropped on the road. I need my phone. I don’t remember anyone’s phone numbers.” I began to cry at the idea of being somewhere far away and having no way to communicate with anyone. This woke me up.

Interpretation

I think the second dream symbolizes heading “down the wrong road”. It seemed like a warning dream. 

The part where I don’t want to venture out on the highway but opt to stay close to town and the familiar is very much how I am in life. It is easier and feels safer to keep things as they are. It is familiar and comfortable. 

I zone out twice in the dream. “Zoning out” in the dream is me losing awareness or sleepwalking. It is symbolic of how I’ve been lately. I let things continue as is, going into a kind of automaticity. Something unexpected wakes me up and I am forced to stop. Then, the police take me. Police symbolize an intervention by higher forces; fate. 

Then I spent the rest of the dream confused and unable to stop what is happening. There is a moment where I talk with my friend about heading north (typically a good direction to go) but then I zone out again, losing time and panicking about leaving the police station. So, I recognize the station/police as needed/necessary. Or maybe I just return because I am confused and see the station/police as a safe place?

The most memorable symbol is the heavy winter coat I am wearing. Coats = protection. I drop it and my phone (communication) and then wish I hadn’t. 

Also, I think Waco maybe symbolizes “Wacko”, as in “crazy”. My daughter often calls Waco by the name as a joke because of the Branch Davidian tragedy that occurred there. 

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March 20 – Dream With My Sister

Still no lucidity but I was advised via the Lucid Dreaming forum to ask my dreams to show me certain things. Two nights ago I asked to be shown what to do regarding my sister. Specifically, I asked, “Show me what to do about my sister.” I got no immediate answer in my dreams; however, last night I had the idea to begin nightly prayer. So, while doing my small yoga practice, I prayed for her, our mom and the entire dramatic family situation. I also prayed for all in distress. I felt better for it. 

Last night (March 20-21st) I got an entire dream about my sister!

Dream: We Leave on the 18th

This may have actually been two dreams because there are two different environments.

The first part was inside a house, probably Mom’s house. My sister was telling me that she had just learned she was a Projector. She was explaining what it meant and I interrupted, asking her to repeat herself because she wasn’t calling it Human Design. She told me, “I’m a Projector”. I told her, “No you’re not. You’re a Generator, as is your husband and son.” I then told her their profile types and explained it further. 

This part of the dream lasted a while but it was mostly me explaining HD. I recall thinking about her design and remembering she is split definition, which can cause a person to feel extremely confused about themselves, their identity and life – they are “split”. My understanding of split definition is that it can lead to codependency tendencies because someone who has split definition finds they feel “whole” when around others. This is most definitely my sister’s issue. 

Then I was in a car. My sister was driving and we were talking as we drove. She first drove through the small town we spent most of our school years in and headed towards a certain store. I only remember it started with the word “Moon” (Divine Feminine). It sold jewelry and my sister was talking about paying the rest of the money she had put down on some jewelry. I asked her if perhaps she could think of something better to spend her money on, especially considering her situation (broke, living off our mom, no job, etc). I think I said, “Don’t you think you should pay back Mom for her help?” I don’t remember her reply but she turned the car around and never went to the store.

We got onto a highway and passed by a small, industrial complex. My sister pointed out a building amidst the warehouses (ideas put on hold, stored resources). It was a church (seeking spiritual guidance, purpose). She said, “That’s where we go.” I turned around and looked, noticed it was a church and said, “Really?” It seemed strange to me and I said, “That’s a weird place for a church.” 

We drove through more hilly terrain and my sister was happily talking about others things and acting as if everything were fine. She was clearly avoiding talking about the elephant in the room. She tends to do this in waking reality, too. She pretends like things are how they use to be, before she went to jail and started making poor life decisions.

Eventually, I interrupted and asked her about her current situation. She began to blame others, even me, for her predicament. Specially, she confronted me on not helping her out when she “needed me the most”. I didn’t deny it but reminded her that no one is perfect and I was only doing what felt correct to me. She didn’t argue and seemed to be inviting me to talk more. So, I told her what I felt she should do and what she should avoid doing in the future. I brought up her spending habits, how she spends money like it is burning a hole in her pocket rather than using it for bills and living expenses. It is like she expects other people to spend their money on her basic needs. I suggested she get a job and take the route of working her way back to independence. She didn’t say what I expected, instead she told me, “We leave on the 18th.” This woke me up.

Considerations

The dream felt more like a processing dream to me than an actual dream encounter. The first indication of that is that my sister was calling herself a Projector. My guess is the first half of the dream was my sorting through thoughts I’ve had regarding my sister and my daughter, who are both split definition. I have noticed similar tendencies in them. They both act more confident when around friends/groups. My daughter, however, has already shown that she is much better at making positive life choices and has a strong will. While my sister has always been prone to following the crowd and not having much common sense. Looking at their bodygraphs, my sister is split between her mind and her authority (sacral) while my daughter’s mind is directly linked to her authority (solar plexus).

The second half of the dream is mostly me telling my sister what I want to tell her in waking life. Very few times has she verbally or energetically sent me an invitation and sought my advice. When she has, she has opted to ignore my advice completely. 

I have no idea what the “we leave on the 18th” is about. I will take note of it for now. It may or may not be significant.

I will continue to pray for my sister nightly. Maybe it will help. It definitely can’t hurt.

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Message: 50 Days, Courage

Can’t recall much of my dreams last night. 😦 Hopefully one will come to mind as I type.

I did get a vision with a message, though.

In the in-between I was talking to myself (or maybe there was someone there) and said, “In 100 days I will dump IT ALL.” The feeling with my words was desire to completely unburden myself. In response, I found myself traveling through a field of trees covered in pinkish-white blooms. I heard as I flew through them, “50 days. [Have] courage.”

When I woke up I thought, “Cherry trees.” We don’t have cherry trees that bloom here in Texas but I’ve seen them before, when I traveled to the east coast. The tree blooms also looks very similar to peach tree blooms and crape myrtle blossoms.

50 days from today is Tuesday, May 9th.

The sakura (cherry blossoms) bloom in Japan from mid-March through early May.

Cherry blossom symbolism:

“They have come to symbolize ephemerality or transient nature of life. This reflects a… Buddhist concept in Japanese culture known as “mono no aware,” or roughly, “the pathos of things,” which recognizes both the beauty and mortality inherent in life.”

“It is a time associated with the end of one chapter, and the opening of the next. In Japanese, the word “natsukashi” reflects a kind of nostalgia tinged with both happiness and sadness.” Source

For some time now I’ve felt a subconscious urgency to drop everything – work, relationships, self-identity – and just leave. This very same feeling is what accompanied the above vision.

To consider dropping everything feels…..freeing. The main reason I don’t act on the feeling is the not-knowing of what would come after. What would I do? Where would I go? Who would I become? My attachments in life keep me firmly rooted in place.

I do recall my dreams now. 🙂

I was in a gym sitting on a workout bench. A very muscular man was on the other side of the bench sitting under a cable machine. His face looked pained. We were talking. I told him how much I enjoyed working out and how I was a certified personal trainer. I specifically recall telling him that I have never used my certification because it brings me anxiety.

At one point I noticed he was favoring his right leg, putting his hand down to massage it every once in a while. I gave him some suggestions on how to help. His reply to my suggestions was to admit defeat, specifically citing his aging body. He told me he was 50 years old and always knew his body would one day force him to stop [working out].

Another another….

The dream began with me confronting a problem. I was in a relationship with a man while I was still married to a woman. I decided to talk to her about ending our marriage. My wife had short, cropped, blonde hair and was shorter than me. She resembled a feminine man. When I told her the news she took it gracefully. She walked up to me, pulled me to her chest and kissed the top of my head while stroking my hair. She told me how much she loved me and that it was okay. She asked me if wanted to marry this man. I said with some force, “No! I will never marry again.”

And one more….

I was on a long walk in a rural setting. Music was playing in my headphones and I was in high spirits. As the music played my mood rose higher. I began to think of working out after my run, which I hadn’t planned to do. Suddenly, I took off in a sprint. There was a moment when I second guessed my decision because I wasn’t wearing the proper workout clothing, specifically a running bra and running shoes. I decided to keep running and with just a thought I was wearing the correct running gear. I could feel the wind in my hair as I ran. The speed at which I ran was so much that it felt like I was flying. The scenery changed from a more rural setting to urban. As I entered an intersection I began to sing along to the music, my mood rising even higher. I felt free.

I woke up feeling invigorated and positive. A song verse was on my mind – “I don’t want your desire. I just wanna to be free.”

I am familiar with the song but didn’t know all the lyrics. Looking at them I recognize the song very much mirrors how I’ve been feeling for a while.

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Acceptance and Decision

Another good, solid sleep. 9+hrs of sleep with over an hour deep sleep. The more deep sleep I have, the more rested I feel.

Dreams

Ah, the wonderful sleep brought dreams again. This time no tears.

Lesson in Pleasure

This dream is hard to recall because it was the first of the night. The location reminded me of a place off-planet.  The space was full of little, spherical “pods” with openings in the very top, center, like portholes or something. Inside each pod was a living space with bed, all white. I could see from both inside the pod and outside, my perspective shifting based upon what I was thinking/saying/hearing. The conversation was mostly telepathic, though I do recall thinking words. Someone was telling me how to get back the ability to pleasure myself, as if I had forgotten or needed a reminder. Eventually I was attempting to do so and the more I focused, the more my perspective shifted to being on a bed inside one of the pods. I recall seeing my last name being typed out in lettering across the porthole above me. I woke up some pretty bad cramping which alarmed me somewhat. 

Wrong Order

The doorbell rang and it was the pizza delivery guy with our order. He was nice looking black man who acted a bit off, like he knew something I didn’t. He handed me a bag with a smirk and left. I took the bag inside, but then “turned around” to go back to the door. I opened it and yelled to him, “Thank you! Have a safe trip back!” He yelled back, “Thanks!”

Inside, I opened the bag and saw a long, coin shaped package. It said, “Cajun” on the side. This was the first indicator that it was not my order. I dumped the entire bag out and saw more things I didn’t order. Inside were five large cinnamon rolls in plastic wrap. Alongside them were various chocolates, also in plastic wrap. It was an odd combination and I thought for sure some person was upset about missing their unusual order. I figured it was probably some college student, likely male. I considered calling the pizza place but was too lazy to bother. I knew that once delivered they would not take back the order I received. 

When I woke from this dream I thought, “Sweet and Spicy” was the message. I had ordered pizza, which symbolizes wholeness, but received sweet treats, which symbolize pleasure and enjoying the good things in life. I also got Cajun seasoning, which symbolizes a desire to spice up life. My reaction to the wrong order was curiosity. I didn’t reject it outright like I might have done in real life because I can’t stand eating anything super spicy. Cajun food is NOT my style. I think too much heat/spice drowns out the food’s flavor. Anyway, the dreams suggests I am starting to accept that my original order (wholeness) will not be provided at this time. Instead I am being offered a “sweet and spicy” alternative.

Turn Around

This is the third day of seeing the message “Turn around” in my blogging. It began as a song message after a vivid night of dreaming and ever since then I’ve been seeing it when I recount my dreams. In the dreams I blog, the words “turn around” tend to pop up at least once because I physically turn around in a dream.

The message has been on my mind as I try to figure out what exactly was meant. Is it that I hit a dead end on this path and now have to turn back? Is it that I need to change my mind about the direction I am going? Or is it that I need to see something I missed that is now behind me? 

Yesterday, I thought it might mean that I need to go back to when there was a juncture in my life and reconsider the direction I took. You know how sometimes you take a trail (hiking) and suddenly find that you went the wrong way, so you turn back to find the wrong turn so you can take the right one? That is how it feels. When did I start to venture on the wrong path, though? 

I considered briefly another vision I had recently. It was of my blog header online. The body of the blog was completely blank. The feeling I got was that I had run out of things to write. My inspiration gone. My spiritual path had hit a dead end. With this I considered abandoning blogging.

Recently, I had a request for channeling services. There was a link to a psychic channeling website in the blank part of the form where the question is asked, “What service are you requesting?” I visited the website, worried the person got my name from it. I have never registered with such a site. I didn’t find my name there but it gave me a bad feeling. I waited a day to let the feeling settle and ultimately told the woman I am taking a break and couldn’t help her. Later, the reading request kept coming to mind and I allowed myself to feel into the feelings that came up. I felt “done” with that part of my life. I have no desire to give readings, do healing or channel. I honestly don’t think I ever will again. 

So, I am editing my website with a message on my Services page that I no longer offer any services. I may actually let my domain expire altogether, but that will be in 2 years. WP expires in a year.

It feels like the “turn around” message is that I need to reconsider my path. It feels like I have gone as far as I can on the one I’ve been on. So, where do I want to go now? What direction feels right to me? I wish it were as easy as just choosing a different trail because then a path is just there, visible and available if I want it. Currently, I see nothing but the same path. I guess I am in the process of heading back to the juncture. Hopefully, when I get there, it is easy to see the direction I need to go.

Maybe, for now, I am just retracing my steps back to the last juncture? Where/when was that? My guess is it might be as long ago as my Saturn Return, when I had my spiritual awakening and began to travel the path of spiritual adventures. I only think this because my desire to give readings of any kind has dwindled to nothing. Also, my spiritual experiences have followed suit. The K has calmed down to almost nothing, my OBEs and lucid experiences have been nearly nonexistent, and I feel like I’ve been forced to focus on the mundane, boring BS of life. There is nothing else but the mundane.

It does seem like my guidance has been nudging me to look at this physical reality and figure out what I want to do with my time left in it. The question keeps coming up, asking me to look at what is available to me and pick something of interest. My struggle is that so little interests me. It feels like as long as I remain undecided, stuff that is negative or unwanted will be thrown at me. For example, the on-going family drama and karmic BS between my mother and my drug-addict sister.

At this point, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my spiritual adventures are behind me. I don’t know how much more of this life I have left but, however long, I need to figure out what I want to do with it. This has been the story of my life it seems. I rarely know what I want to do (HD 1-8 Channel = mostly not-knowing). My motivation is poor (Projector). Something eventually comes up (suddenly Knowing), usually unexpectedly, and my life shifts accordingly. This is when the “path” will show itself. Until then, I just trudge along the path until what I am looking for comes into view.

I hate not-Knowing all the time. It sucks. The Knowing is amazing, though, when it finally happens. 

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Message: We All Die

Week 4 of the lucid dream course and still no lucid dreams. I’ve pretty much accepted that I won’t become lucid. I sleep too deeply and if I become even slightly lucid I tend to wake up immediately. 

Dreams

Bloody Pad

I’m in a house. There are light, bright colors inside. There is a couple in a bedroom. The bed linens are white and the colors of the room are pastel yellow and blue. The couple invites me to have a threesome with them. I am distracted by my current state. Embarrassed, I tell them I can’t because I am on my period. I go into a bathroom to clean up. I’m wearing a pad and it is all bloody, the blood on my inner thighs (releasing negative emotions) is crusty. I clean vigorously.

Visit from Grandaddy

I am being shown house plans. Someone is asking me about the slope of the roof and pointing out an area that might need correction. My focus is on the roof slope and I see what is being pointed out but am unconcerned. It is in the attic (ignored emotions). I say, “Don’t go in the attic. It’s a mess.” 

Then I am inside an old house (past self). It is small and constructed of wood, distressed and faded from the years. I am sitting with my grandfather who is showing me a story I wrote for him when I was 10 years old. There are pictures and it is stapled to look like a book. In the dream I am trying to remember the book and only have  a vague recollection. He says it is from 1987. I can’t recall what he looked like now but in the dream he was younger than I knew him in life. It felt good to see him and be with him. He hands me the book to keep and I don’t want it. He asks me why and I say, “Because it means you will die.” He says to me, “We all do [die]”. I begin to cry.

Then I am out of the old house looking at it from the outside. I see the house is two parts, like divided into two separate houses (old/new). I go back to the side where I had just seen my grandfather. I open the door and look inside, calling his name. He isn’t there. Inside is very bright, as if the lights are all on, and the color is a soft white with a yellowish hue. Realizing he is gone I yell into the house, “Thank you, Grandaddy!” I don’t go inside the house because the door knob isn’t working properly. I want to go inside and look for him but don’t, thinking, “I might get locked inside.” I begin to cry.

I wake up, blink, and have a load of tears come out of my eyes. It takes me a while to return to sleep.

The last thing I remember is being in the newer side of the house. I am standing in the kitchen with a mop preparing to clean the floor. I explain the importance of cleaning with soap and then rinsing with water. I begin mopping (releasing the old, releasing the past) the floor.

Courage

I am in a car stuck in traffic (feeling stuck). Behind me there is commotion and a loud noise. I look and see a sports car coming at me too fast. I brace myself for impact but he slams on his breaks and his car spins to face the opposite direction. A larger car is coming at him fast. The sports car hits the other car and gets partially stuck underneath it. My car is slightly bumped (impacted by others, feeling out of control) but otherwise not damaged.

I get out of my car to check on the occupants of the two cars. The man in the sports car is fine, only concerned about his car. The man in the other car is dazed. I asked them both if they are okay and they both say they are. I even ask if I should call 911 but they say no. 

Then the highway turns into a large, school cafeteria (spiritual sustenance). It is crowded with people sitting at the tables. I am taken to the farthest back table where I sit down. It feels like a conference of some kind. Everyone is waiting to be served the meal. The server brings trays of food to my table last. A woman next to me pokes the rolls, which are cold and hard (ideas that no longer work). I do the same, putting butter on them to try and make them softer (giving life to old ideas). She says something to the man who brought her the food but he just shrugged. I say, “This is why I don’t sit at the back table.”

The same woman is watching a woman up at the front. She is saying critical things about her. I end up walking up the side of the room towards the front to observe the woman. She is complaining about something. I talk above the group, loud enough for everyone to hear. It is like I am giving a speech. The words that come out are well said but I can’t recall them now. I do remember I say something about coming from the heart and it taking courage. When I say the word, “courage”, I burst into tears.

I wake up and blink out tears but am not crying. 

Considerations

I haven’t seen my grandfather in my dreams in a long time.  We had a strong connection in life and he use to visit me often in dreamtime. So, it was nice to see him. I find it interesting that he gives me a book I made for him. There is a faint memory of being shown such a book by my grandmother after he died. I do remember a spiral notebook I was shown from when I was in 5th grade that was full of such stories and drawings. I think my mom gave it to me.

The reminder that we all die is similar to my recent dream about checking out. For some reason this message is repeating. 

The last dream seems to be me sending a message to myself about courage, following my heart and using my voice. When I woke from this dream I thought about a realization and subsequent decision I made to “keep my mouth shut”. I have taken note of how people react to me when I speak. Most of the time they have a negative reaction. Sometimes they act annoyed, other times their face looks pained, but often they just ignore me. I speak without an invitation, therefore, the reaction is understandable. So, my decision was/is to keep silent until asked to contribute. 

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Dream: Checking-Out

I’ve entered week three of the lucid dreaming course. So far, I’ve not had success in becoming lucid but my dream recall has skyrocketed. Last night was a marathon of dreams.

Prior to bed I asked for healing. I didn’t specify what kind and left it to my guidance. Two nights ago, I asked to be given the answer to a question, “What is the point of life?” or something similar (can’t recall my exact wording).

Dreams

Cat Supplies

This entire dream was me shopping for supplies for a new cat or kitten. Since the cat wasn’t present, I don’t know the age of the animal. 

I went along the isles looking for a litter box and cat food specifically. The litter box was high up on the shelves and the only one left. I had a worker grab it for me. When he brought it down it was one of those enclosed litter boxes.

When I woke I was thinking about how I would never own a cat and how smelly the litter boxes can be. It occurred to me that perhaps this is symbolic of a return of the feminine in my life/dreams? That is always what cats symbolize for me – the Divine Feminine and Kundalini energy.

Healing

This dream is foggy now but I jotted down some notes and recall the healing portion well.

I remember traveling down a highway (life trajectory) with no cars trying to avoid being caught by someone. My SIL was there so maybe I was avoiding her? 

Then I was laying on a white table as if in a medical setting. Someone was inserting an object into my vagina. I felt a pleasurable, root chakra sensation, but it was very muted in the dream. So much so that I barely recognized what was happening. I was talking to someone and my focus was on the conversation but I cannot recall the words now or even a summary of the discussion.

The healing taking place shifted and I was watching my husband receiving healing of his own. No other person was present that I could see. I felt what he felt and it was pretty much nothing at all. There was only one very brief feeling of pleasure, like a lightening bolt, but it vanished. I recall thinking it peculiar and woke up.

New House

I was purchasing a new house in a city I once lived in. I selected it over a much more expensive one in another area. My sister was with me and we were on a boat (navigating emotion), like one of those covered tourist boats. It was anchored by the pier. I told my sister I was buying the house. Excited, I told her I only had to pay $8K for it and that I planned to get a job teaching in the area. I had a whole plan lined up. She was not happy for me. In fact, she was acting as if she were jealous of me.

Road

This dream was of me traveling very fast along a small, gravel road (life trajectory) in the country. I was flying along and at one point turned around and went back. The road was not the same, though. Instead of being clear, it was overgrown. In some places the grass was so high it was nearly impossible to traverse. I recall having to dodge large patches of overgrowth and other “vehicles”.

When I woke up, the song, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” was going through my head. Specifically, “Turn around” was repeating. 

Visit with Friend

In this dream I arrived at my friend Angela’s house. She and her husband were sitting with me and I was happily telling them about some of my dreams (the ones above). The feeling from them was off, though, and I knew they were thinking, “This isn’t the time for this”, meaning it was not the time for me to talk about myself. They wanted me to be there for them but I was talking about me.

I got up and paced for a bit. I felt a ton of sadness coming up. I felt unwanted. As I looked around the space, I spotted something in the corner of the room. I walked over and saw it was a couple of gallons of cold milk, condensation rolling down the sides of the containers. I picked one up. It was really cold. I poured myself a cold glass of milk (nourishment, maternal instinct, family) as I told my friend, “Sometimes I feel like you want me to get the fuck out.” I burst into tears and woke up.

Checking Out

This dream was similar to another I had not long ago. I was almost lucid it was very vivid.

I stood in line at a grocery store register. As I put my items on the conveyor belt I was having a conversation with someone in my mind while also interacting with the cashier and the others in line with me. 

There was a young, dark haired girl there and I said, “Oh, you’re just a baby!” She was probably in her 20s. When I said this I thought it an odd thing to say and then realized I was “old” and my perspective had changed because of my age. 

When it was time to pay, I didn’t pay with money. Instead, I gave the cashier colored, rectangular pieces of something thick, like plastic. On the ends of each piece were pieces of Velcro of the same color as the piece. I scanned them and with the scan there were words describing aspects of my life, like life themes, along with monetary amounts. I can’t recall them now but altogether they amounted to the total for my groceries. 

While going through the motions of the dream I was thinking about life, imagining life without actual physical aging. I saw a woman (me maybe?) growing up, caught up in life, raising kids and always rushing about. Then I saw the life slowed down and it seemed time was growing short. The contrast between youth and old age was obvious, especially in terms of time. In youth there is tons of time, while in old age time seems fleeting. All along I was considering my own life and how fast it flew by.

Then I was in the bathroom relieving myself when someone banged on the door. They banged so hard the door was moving. I got up and opened the door. Standing there was the young, darked haired girl from before. I asked, “Are you in a hurry to get in here?” She nodded. I stood in the door blocking access. Teasing her, I asked why and she just looked at me like I was stupid. I told her she almost broke the door. Still amused, I stepped aside and let her in. All the while I was thinking about how young she was. The idea “Youth is wasted on the young” comes to me now as I type this. 

I asked my guide why it has to be the way it is, wondering why we have to grow old. Why can’t we just continue in young bodies? He replied to me (and it hit hard), “Everyone has to do it [die]”. I got upset at his words, the images still in my mind of staying forever young. Not necessarily living forever, but living a long life full of youth and vibrancy, without old age creeping in. I said to him, “I don’t want to die” and began to cry, slow, regretful tears. The feeling I had with my words were, “I’m not done yet. I have so much left to do.”

When I woke I lingered in bed for a while. I remember hearing myself say to my guide, “It’s not about me”. With this came full understanding that my requests had been answered.

I asked, “How long?” And heard back, “Soon”. This ultimately woke me and I wondered what I was asking about. My first thought was I was asking how long I had left to live. 

At another point I heard, “You need to move past it.” Instantly I knew “it” was the heart connection experience I had. Initially I thought my guide was wrong but pushed that aside when I felt the sadness that still remained.

Later I realized that part of the reason my dream experiences have been infrequent is because I am avoiding the healing and Knowing that comes with them. When I do have vivid dreams, they are wrought with tears and difficult messages, that’s for sure. 

Thoughts

I lingered in bed for some time thinking of the last dream, especially the part, “It’s not about me”. I could see how I’ve lived my life up until now only for myself – most of us do. Trapped in my own little Universe, I’ve missed out on so much going on around me. It is clear that I need to go about my life from now on reminding myself that “it’s not about me”. Life will show me what it is I am here to do if I just do that. But can I? How do I break a life-long habit? I don’t have much hope. My dream indicates that I am already in the process of “checking-out”. 

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Lucid Dream Technique: Seeing Hands

I’ve been trying a technique to gain lucidity in my dreams. So far I’ve not had much luck with it. Before bed I look at my hands and state, “Tonight I’ll see my hands and realize I’m dreaming”.  I’m suppose to spend 2-5 minutes doing this. This is night four. Before bed I didn’t even look at my hands, I just imagined them as I repeated the statement. Then, if I woke at any time, I repeated the statement a few times before returning to sleep.

Anyway, on to my dreams. I recalled four.

Infected Sore

I had a sore (negative influences) on my shoulder (strength, responsibility) that a young man saw and decided to help me with. Tons of puss came out. The image of it was like a pimple with a crusty scab that was inflamed. Then I watched as a girl with very long, blonde hair was showing me how she dried it (something being suppressed). She would take portions of it and wrap it with paper towels (assistance). Other portions of the dream involved a cleanup (healing) of branches and debris.

Shared House

I was with my Mom and others sharing a 1500sq ft mobile home. I mentioned to the others how we all should take it as an accomplishment that we were able to make good use of the small space. The house was on a large, rural property I recognized and had been to before. It had many small buildings and large green pastures. My mom was cleaning dishes and very tired. I suggested she have everyone staying contribute by assigning chores based upon length of time they had been there. Then I suggested the people who just arrived get the less popular chores than those that had been there longer. She agreed. 

Hands

This dream was inside the shared house. Lots of blurry memory of going through the house and running into people. The place seemed quite crowded like a gathering was taking place. There was a whole incident where a creepy man was coming onto me while I pretended to sleep. I got away from him as soon as I could. Then, I was approached by a couple. The man asked me about my hands. He was telling me he had a condition but couldn’t recall the name of it. It made his hands numb with pins and needles at times. I held up my hands in front of me and could see the tips were white. At the same time I could feel they were numb and tingly. I said, “Oh, you mean Raynaud’s Syndrome? Yeah, I have it, too.” I shook my hands to get rid of the numbness and tingling and then woke as I realized I had seen my hands in my dream. My hands were partially numb and tingling when I woke.

I was disappointed when I woke because I have seen my hands several times but this one was actually brought to my attention in the dream and I still did not realize I was dreaming. But at least the technique seems to be working.

Heart Failure

This was mostly a discussion with imagery. My aunt was dying and the family was gathered to hear about the most recent tests. The doctor was telling us the tests indicated her heart was failing. The images I recall were of loaves of bread (symbol of life), though. Then, as I woke and was telling someone about my aunt’s prognosis, I heard someone say, “You’re in danger”. 

This particular dream might have some precognitive qualities to it. My aunt has been going through chemo for breast cancer and is in her late 70’s. I don’t know how she has been but last I heard she was well. 

The dream could also be about me as the message at the end was addressed to me.


This is the second living family member to be in my dreams in the last week. The other one was my great aunt. 

Sleep Cycle 

I wasn’t wearing my Apple watch all night so the amount of time asleep is off. Lots of deep sleep and REM. I recalled four dreams and it shows four cycles of REM. The big chunk of time awake occurred because I had just seen my hands and recognized my technique impacted my dreams. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep. lol 

Sleep cycle data 3/6/23
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Dream – Thursday, and Message: Get Back to Work

Still no lucid dreams. If anything, I am sleeping deeper. lol When I wake up from a dream in the night I am too lazy to turn on the light and jot down keywords like I’m suppose to. I only use the notepad in the morning hours when I’m not as drowsy upon waking.

Dream – Thursday

We had just purchased a new house that was quite grand. I recall choosing it over another house, one we had decided to buy but then pulled out of. It was like a log cabin inside with pine wood paneling everywhere (giving up control of my body) even in the rafters. Everything was wood and I recall comparing the two and preferring not to have all that wood (taking back control). I thought the pine paneling would be difficult to clean.

As I walked through I told my husband it was time to redecorate (change the environment). He questioned this and I said I wanted to replace the furniture (ideas), mainly the sofas (adopted ideas associated with family dynamics) and move some rooms. I told a man who felt to be a family member that I was going to use his room as my home gym (growth, strength). I said I worked out in the late morning so it shouldn’t be an issue if he wanted to still sleep there. He agreed. The man was young, thin and had blonde hair. He was somewhat familiar.

There is some loss of recall and the next I am standing in the center of a great room in the house. I was doing a ceremony where I breathed in something from a wide, shallow, dark metal bowl and then went into a kind of trance. While in this trance I would drop to the floor but never land. Instead I would float there and have visions. In one vision I was standing in front of a great lake. It was dark (the unknown, mystery) and I could see reflections of the moonlight (feminine) on the calm water (emotion). It was quite beautiful. In the vision I knew something was coming. It felt like an invasion. As I came out of the vision I said, “Thursday”. 

In the last vision I drank what looked like old cooking oil from the bowl. I recall seeing tiny, white flowers floating in the liquid. Again I felt myself fainting and falling but I floated slowly down and gently landed. Then I shifted to a position outside of myself. I saw myself standing in the room wearing a black, hooded outfit. This dark hooded version of myself smiled revealing teeth that were shaved into sharp points (something is coming to an end, expressing emotion). There was no feeling of ill will but I remember thinking, “Vampire” (something is draining my energy), yet it didn’t feel like I was the vampire. Regardless, the feeling was that a part of me was waking up and she was prepared for a fight. It looked likely she would win. 

Message to Myself

When I woke I was surprised about the dream but did not write it down. Instead I fell back to sleep, or a very light version of it. 

I was awakened by a message. In the dream/vision I was talking to someone. I said something I can’t recall now and their reply came via a text I was typing on my phone. I could see my fingers as they hit the phone screen. As I typed, the letters flew up into the air and floated together forming the message: “Get back to work.” 

Waking, I immediately I asked, “What work?” I got no reply and have no idea what work it references.

When I looked up the symbolism of having sharp teeth it is about hard work and increased efforts to express ones self. It indicates a need to make my presence known and my voice heard.