Woke at 5am with thoughts of returning to Costa Rica, this time for three months. It would be nice to wake every morning by the ocean again, to the sounds of the rain forest lulling me to sleep and greeting me every morning. Even the lack of a/c doesn’t phase me. If it means I can be alone for a long stretch then it might be the best thing I could do right now.  

I was considering this as an option when I fell asleep.

Dream: Lonely

The dream began in a very small classroom. I was seated beside about four or five other students and the teacher was at the front near the door. The teacher was giving us instructions for exercises that were part of a workout. Four exercises, one after the other and then a break. I wasn’t interested because of the cramped space. There was nowhere to stand up so the exercises would have to be done while seated. 

A female student seated close to me was far more interesting to me than the class. I turned and began to chat with her. I can’t remember what I was talking about now but she listened attentively. At one point I stomped my foot to emphasize what I was saying but that is all I can remember. 

Suddenly, the class was finished and everyone was getting up to leave. The student I had been talking to told me the teacher was annoyed by my behavior. I mentioned that I had wondered if she even noticed I wasn’t participating. The other student confirmed, saying the teacher was especially bothered when I stomped my foot. I remember thinking my behavior rude but didn’t care. The teacher in me, however, understood the teacher’s perspective.

We left the classroom together and began walking down a wide sidewalk on campus. It was bright and sunny outside and there was a lot of space and greenery around. The other student walked to my left, a span of about eight feet between us. She was cordial but appeared to not want to be associated with me.  I didn’t blame her. 

We walked in silence for a bit, me thinking how nice it would be to have her as a friend. In my mind I knew a friendship was out of the question because, 1. she was much younger than me and so we would have little in common, and 2. I couldn’t trust her to listen to me without judgement. 

I realized then that when I had been talking to her in class, she only appeared to be listening in order to not draw attention to herself. Had I paid attention to her body language I would’ve known she had no interest whatsoever in what I was saying. I had inadvertently made her my accomplice.

With these thoughts I remember acknowledging my loneliness in this life. I began to cry as I realized there was really no one I could talk to, like really talk to. I can’t even blog or post in forums without someone judging me and writing critical comments. Even if their comments appear constructive, I can feel the irritation in their replies. How dare I feel what I feel and not see how blessed I am compared to them and others! Then I feel guilty, thinking they are right. I have no right to complain or be unhappy when so many people have it far worse. I figure, if I can’t vent my frustrations, petty or not, without feeling judged, then I should just hold it in. So, I hold it in where it festers and turns into bitterness. 

I have no safe space. Nowhere is safe to openly be myself. So, I suffer alone, in silence. How dare I feel what I feel!? Like my mom always told me, “Spoiled, ungrateful brat”.

I woke briefly from the tears and returned to dreamtime.

Lucid Dream: Doing My Mom’s Laundry

My mother must’ve been on my mind because I end up in her house. The purpose of my visit is to check on her because she is ill.  

I walk into the house. It is dark and quiet. I carefully make my way to my mother’s bedroom. I have with me a white, plastic bag. It contains items I think will make her feel better while she recuperates. 

I knock and announce my entry. When I enter she is fast asleep. I whisper to her that I brought her a care package. I set it on the nightstand and tiptoe out of the room. I shut the door behind me.

As I am leaving, I hear something behind me. I turn to see the bedroom door has opened. I return and close it. When I turn back towards the living room I see the TV is on. The volume is too high so I turn it off, thinking it will wake up my mom. When I look up I see her bedroom door is open yet again. I go and shut it. When I turn back towards the living room, again, the TV is on and the volume too high. This time I see my oldest son lying on the sofa covered in blankets. I tell him he needs to get up and get ready to leave. He protests, wanting to finish his TV show. I notice he is much younger than he is in waking reality. Looking closer, I suspect he is about 5 or 6 years old. 

I look towards my mom’s bedroom because I again worry she will be awakened by the TV. Once again, the door is open. Thinking I must not be closing it all the way, I return and specifically focus on closing it completely. I hear it click and am satisfied.

At this point I am becoming suspicious, thinking something is not quite right. So, I investigate. I look around, noting what is out of place. The TV is on the wrong side of the room and the sofa is where the front door should be. My son is too young. And what is he doing there in the first place? And the bedroom door keeps coming open. 

I head into the kitchen. It is a mess and I think of helping my mom out by tidying up. I decide that is what I will do but am distracted. The laundry room door is open and the light is on, I head in that direction instead. I am suspicious. My mom doesn’t have a laundry room!

When I walk into the laundry room it is very brightly lit. The first thing I notice is the washer is missing. I think it must be broken. Yet, the minute I have this thought, I am leaning down and pulling out wet close from the washer! When I look down, it isn’t there but I have some wet clothing in my hands. So, I decide to dry the clothes for my mom so they won’t be mildewy. Suddenly, the empty space below me has a very tiny dryer. It is so tiny I have to kneel down to open the lid. I turn it on and it works. I feel hot air blowing right in my face. I dump in a couple of items and close the lid (which is on top like a washing machine). 

I hear what sounds like my mom’s voice behind me. I think, “I must have awakened her.” I turn and the door to the laundry room is closed. I reach to open the door and as I do, I feel someone tap me on the right shoulder. It is a very real, very solid feeling and surprises me. No one is in the room with me! I finish opening the door and behind it is a solid wall. I remember thinking there is no way out but don’t care because….it is a dream.

I turn to see who tapped me on the back. Finding no one, I laugh to myself. Of course there isn’t. The tap was meant to get my attention. The tap was meant to help me recognize the dream!

My attention is drawn to a rack that is above the dryer. This rack physically exists in my house in waking reality. I see two white strings hanging from the rack. On the ends of them are little balls. At the back of my mind I am considering the lack of an exit but don’t care. I want to play. So, I decide I want to make one of the balls move. I “think” it into motion, because, well it’s MY dream. I am instantly successful. Next, I make both little balls swing towards one another. My intention works and they hit and explode in opposite directions. I feel successful and laugh. This wakes me up.

When I wake I can feel the return to my physical body, something I haven’t felt in ages! The transition is fairly smooth, which also surprises me. The energy settles, indicating I can move. I open my eyes and shift positions, knowing that doing this prevents me from immediately returning to the OOB state. I don’t care. I know I’m too excited for that.

Considerations

The first dream is a typical scenario in my life. When I am in a good mood, I often talk fast and excitedly to others and easily ignore signs that indicate the communication is unwanted or at an inappropriate time. In the dream it was a classmate and I definitely missed the obvious signs.

I get sad in the dream because I want a friend and am lonely. Yet, my experience of friendships has not been good. They tend to be one-sided. The friend wants me to be a friend to them but, when it is time for them to be a friend to me, they fall short. All I want is a safe place to be myself, to be heard and accepted. I can honestly say I’ve never found that in a friend. Not once. This dream came with tears, of course, and me recognizing I’ve given up on finding a friend, or even a lover, that provides me with that safe space. I’ve even withdrawn from public journals and forums because, well it hurts when I bare my soul and am rejected for it.

I can already hear the comments and questions in response to what I wrote above. Have you provided a safe place for others? I think I use to, back when I eagerly accepted friendships and wanted to be a “good friend”. As I’ve grown more cautious and cynical, I just outright reject offers of friendship if I sense even the slightest judgment or criticism from the other’s energy. So, yeah, I’m super stand-offish and, where I use to listen with compassion and sympathy to the other, now I don’t have the time for it. Why give the other all I have when it won’t be returned? I’m done being stepped on and used. 

And if you judge me for what I just said, well f**k off!

As for the lucid dream, it was pretty awesome, even if short-lived. There was a return of the symbolism of tidying up my mom’s house. I recently had a dream where I was doing just that and also making her bed. This time I was also doing her laundry. The symbolism is purification, acceptance and an attempt to clean things up in general. The door opening time and time again is an indicator that there is something I wish to put an end to but it just isn’t happening. There is still something left undone. Thankfully, I hear the door click, so maybe there is hope?  

I find it reassuring that I am still capable of having lucid dreams and going OOB. It has been sooooo long! It was nice to feel playful and curious again. That is my natural state. I miss feeling like that.