Monthly Archives: April 2025

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Dream: Alaska

Vivid dreams again. 

The first dream was of me and my best friend from HS. We were walking outside at night and she was being like she was in HS – very dismissive. I was telling her that I liked how she was when she was dating her boyfriend and also how she use to make up stories and songs, etc. She replied nastily that she hated when she was like that. 

What I recall the most was how I was trying to persuade her to still be that person and, as a result, my friend. 

I don’t remember much else from that dream.

Dream: Alaska

I was sitting at a long, rectangular table with others (my council). Somehow I knew I was in Alaska (cold, desolate, isolated). The people with me appeared to be native Alaskans (teachers), all except me. One of them asked me if I would be interested in teaching in Alaska at their school. I said only if I got to leave when it got cold and the long, dark days took over. In my mind I was thinking the month of October.

A woman approached me to serve me some food. She had a casserole dish with what reminded me of enchiladas except the enchiladas were twice the size they should be. I asked what it was and she said “grubs” (negative thoughts/emotion/experience). Carefully inspecting the large, stuffed, white, tubular grubs, I was immediately grossed out and politely told her I didn’t eat such things. There was another dish that was obviously some kind of shredded beef (happy times) and I pointed to it saying I could eat that.

They told me the class they wanted me to teach was economics. I thought about it and was uncertain if I should teach a class I’ve never taught. I was asked about my financial situation. I told them it was not an issue and “much better than last time”, which I felt relief in saying. They seemed happy to hear this. I remember being very thoughtful about the situation of becoming a teacher in Alaska. I had thoughts of the last time I was there and considered living through the harsh winter again because it suddenly seemed not so bad in hindsight.

Finally, I noticed everyone looking in my direction, their plates empty. Then a fork full of food was shoved in my face. I pushed it away. Then they all began to shove forks full of food into my mouth. I stood up and said, “I can’t eat that much! Look at me.” They looked as I turned sideways for them to see. “I’m skinny. I can’t digest that much all at once.” The forks of food stopped and their faces showed understanding.

This is where the dream ended. 

Considerations

When I woke I lingered, my thoughts immediately going to the dream with my friend from HS. Many memories of how she treated me came forward. These memories have come forward to inspect many times before. I was able to see just how shocked I really was by the mistreatment. She was very dismissive and at times even mocked me in front of her groupies while I responded without upset as if deserving of her mistreatment. I realized, after all the memories had passed, that she didn’t have the courage to just tell me she didn’t want to be friends anymore. Instead, she chose to mistreat me and hopefully I would get the message. I only got the message after we graduated and she dissed me at the college we both decided to attend together. By that point it was crystal clear she wanted nothing to do with me.

I was able to observe enough through the memories to realize that she was the last person I had actually been myself with, fully vulnerable and open. After her mistreatment, I withdrew into myself, constructing walls around myself to protect myself from harm. 

I was also able to see that my effect upon people, then and even now, caused major discomfort. Why? Because I can see straight into their very Being (Projector) and most are not comfortable with themselves, much less someone who can see the very flaws they are trying to hide. It is a select few who can accept me – thus, accept themselves. 

The feeling when this happens is hard to describe but I touched upon it with each memory of rejection. I feel uncomfortable (their discomfort), and awkward (their awkwardness) and then want to retreat as far as I can away from them (they want to get away from me). Other times I feel upset or anger – the emotion varies depending on the person. My almost completely open design (HD) causes me to mistakenly think that what I am feeling is all me. It isn’t. It is them. Their rejection is a rejection of themselves. 

I tried to return to sleep, but couldn’t. I had become upset by all the memories, especially the rejection by my friend from HS. I know now why I didn’t get angry or vengeful or bitter when she rejected me. I knew her treatment of me was a reflection of her own inner struggle and I loved her enough to allow her to go through it, even if it meant I would be hurt in the end. She confirmed my Knowing in an apology to me much later, when in our twenties. 

The most upsetting was thinking just how seldom I meet someone and feel completely comfortable and at ease. It is extremely rare. I began to cry considering how difficult it has been to have that effect on people. Now that I am older, I no longer try to hide what I see inside people. I just let it show all over my face and reject them before they can reject me. I carry with me the message “leave me alone” and it is purposeful. I would rather just….not.

With this, my guidance sent me a vision. It was complete darkness and at the very end, as if a tunnel, was a tiny, extremely bright, white light. I heard, “Look for the light.” I knew this was a suggestion that instead of being overwhelmed by the darkness of the people I encounter to look for their light. They all have it. This is how I use to be, back before this world turned me cynical and bitter. 

Or it could be a message to look for the light in general.

As for the Alaska dream, I think it is symbolic of the time I actually lived in Alaska and the dark, cold winters I hated while there. It was pretty bad and the only time I actually really considered suicide. Like another recent dream, there was a rectangular table which I’ve come to recognize as my council. If my council is around it means a critical situation is at hand. The grubs for food are symbolic of some issue or negative emotion(s) I am rejecting. Me teaching is likely my council reminding me of lessons I have or have had. Economics is probably symbolic of my financial state and a lesson to be learned there as well. The force feeding could be that I feel overwhelmed. As a result, I ask for more time to “digest”. 

The shredded beef dish in the meal symbolizes positive thoughts and dreams, happiness and contentedness. Of course, who wouldn’t want that to eat?

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Dream: Bug-Eyed Fish

Slept in later than usual. Prior to bed I request that my guides show me what I needed to know.

Dream: Politics

Had a dream where I was at a movie and suddenly the lights came one and everyone was leaving and replaced by a new group. It reminded me of changing classes at a university. I lingered a bit and then left as I saw Obama walk in. I hesitated and then went outside. I was trying to decide if I wanted to talk to him or not. He seemed to intuit that and paused when I walked by him, turning toward me as if to say something.

There were some people mingling about and a long, rectangular table with older people sitting at it. I remember talking to several people about politics. I told them how I voted for Obama but generally voted Republican. Then I remember predicting what would happen with US politics. I explained how, very slowly, the two parties would switch sides. I mentioned the Wigs and Tories as an example. I described myself as a moderate and brought up my best friend from HS and how her dad is what shaped her political views. 

As I was finishing the conversation I noticed my grandmother was standing there. I called her my great, great grandmother, but she was just my grandmother. I hugged her really tightly and started to cry which woke me up. 

I fell back to sleep.

Dream: Bug-Eyed Monster

This time I had a dream at my grandparent’s underground house. My mom was sitting on the sofa and we were talking about her will. She explained it would not be like I thought and I was okay with that. Somehow her will and my grandmother’s will got intertwined and it felt normal in the dream. Mom’s will said everything had to be sold (pretty much true) and she was explaining that like I didn’t already know, again warning me that all would not go as planned, specifically that the split would leave very little for each of her children. I was again okay with it.

Then I began walking on the family land only it appeared different. There were what appeared to be pillars of sand-mountains spotting the landscape. It was eerily other-worldly. There was a circular pond full of water. Mom was with me and we were still talking. We lingered by the pond and I put my hand in it. A bug eyed fish came up. It had a huge, smiling mouth. It opened it’s mouth and I put my finger in and then played with it awhile. It seemed to like me. I showed my mom and moved to another area and tapped the water’s surface. My mom warned me not to and pointed. There was a HUGE version of the bug eyed fish that popped up. It’s mouth wide, it took up the entire length of the circular pond. In it’s mouth were sharp teeth. I freaked out and realized I needed to warn my younger sister. She somehow appeared on the other side of the pond swimming in some shallower water. She was very muscular and had on clothing like she was part of a obstacle course gameshow. She was ignoring me and rolling her eyes. I finally got her to listen so she jumped up and ran over to the pond with the monster in it. To my horror, she gave me a “I’ll show you” look and purposefully jumped in and began to swim across. The monster came to the surface but she didn’t see it, it’s gaping mouth slowly coming to view underneath her. She reach the side, turned around, and began to swim right for it’s huge mouth. I yelled at her right as a huge tooth touched her knee. She quickly turned back to shore and got out.  

I guess she realized I had saved her life and so she was much more open to talking to me. We chatted but she kept up her facade, pretending to hate me and not looking directly at me. I complimented her on her physique. She was super muscular, especially her arms and abs. I asked her how many calories she was eating, saying, “I bet you eat around 2000 a day”. She nodded. I happily shared my weekly strength training workout with her. I told her I recently realized why I wasn’t gaining the muscle I wanted. It was because I charted my calories for a couple of days and was averaging around 1600. 

I woke not long after thinking about my family – grandmother, mom, and younger sister.

Considerations

It surprised me that I had such emotion seeing my grandmother. I did not feel so emotional when she was alive. When I hugged her it was like I was relieved to have someone who understood me. The politics topic of the dream was likely related to how upset I get sometimes when I see how split the American public is becoming. Sometimes I have to distance myself from it all just to keep myself from getting too polarlized.

My mom and I discussing the will was curious to me. Though I don’t recall specifics, it seems like she was explaining that things would not go as I assumed they would after her passing. I was and am okay with it. I think our discussion brought my younger sister into the dream. She has estranged herself from the whole family with her most recently blocking my mom because she voted for Trump. My mom was going to write her out of the will and I suggested she wait until her emotions stabilized and reminded her that she loved my sister. She opted not to take her out of the will. 

Symbolically, I think the pond fish and later monster are symbolic of some hidden emotional upset that threatens to “kill” family ties. Since it is my sister who seems to taunt the monster and then gets out in the nick of time because of my warning, I suspect my younger sister will create issues with the will. She lives in CA and barely scrapes by. Half the year she is a ski instructor and half the year she does odd jobs while drawing unemployment. She is very liberal and opinionated. She is now in her mid-forties and I suspect she is finding it challenging to live like she always has. I suspect when my mother dies whatever money is left to us, her children, will result in some green-eyed monsters, especially for those who feel they desperately need the money. I already went through this when my dad died and learned my lesson. I will not fight for whatever scraps remain when my mom dies but I don’t have much faith that either of my sisters will remain sane during that time. Both have unresolved issues with our mom and will be forced to reconcile one way or the other.

I find it interesting that when I ask to be shown what I need to know that I have dreams that meet that request. I am not sure why I need to know about politics other than my tendency to get upset when I read or see news. On the other hand, I can definitely see how my mom’s passing could result in hidden, emotional monsters waking up. I haven’t seen my youngest sister in almost 20 years. I have always told my mom that she will come back at some point. I hope it isn’t my mother’s funeral that prompts her return. I would rather she come sooner, for our mom’s sake. 

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Snakes and Skeletons

I’ve had several snake encounters lately. It could just be the time of year but I can’t help but take notice.

Snakes for me equal the Kundalini. I wish I could say I had some Kundalini experiences to report, but I don’t. Nothing for a while and if I do have any inklings of the K, they are mild in comparison to what they once were.

This snake I nearly stepped on during my evening walk around the pond. It is a diamondback water snake – harmless. He was about 3ft long.

This is a McKay’s brown snake. Tiny (less than 12 inches) but fierce! Again, I nearly stepped on him. This time when taking out the trash.

After the above snake encounters, I found a snake skeleton on the path around the pond this weekend. It seems symbolic of the death of part of myself. I’m not sure which. Perhaps my divorce or a stage in my life or even the Kundalini itself, which has basically gone dormant – or all three. Regardless, I decided to honor that death by digging a hole and burying the skeleton. I said goodbye to whatever it was that was ending. 

I’ve been feeling very done with life. When I think, “What do I want” (because my guides like to ask me that), all I think of is being free of this body and this physical reality (returning Home, ending this incarnation). The next thing I think of is sleeping because when I sleep I experience a short freedom from this place. Even if I can’t recall my dreams it is better than being awake and going through the motions of life. 

Don’t read this part if you are super attached to mankind, Earth and this physical experience…..

I’ve often wished that this physical reality would be destroyed in a major disaster – like end-of-the-world scenario. Yes, it would kill my loved ones and myself. Yes, it would be awful, but I know that whatever pain it caused would vanish immediately upon death and there would be no loss, no pain, no misery because we would all gather on the Other Side of this mess. I’ve experienced what lies beyond and find it difficult to understand how anyone could be so attached to this physical experience. If they only Knew!

Recently my guidance has been trying to get messages through to me. One was a message I’ve long heard, “Listen.” Another was something about traveling to the cosmos or something for an “intervention”. That is fine by me, if they think it will work. If I can’t get out of this body and physical incarnation, then a dose of Home is always welcomed. So far, giving me the experience of Home has kinda backfired I think because it makes me more determined to get the hell outta this place. lol 

It wouldn’t be so bad if I had something to motivate me here. Something, anything, to look forward to. Usually, I use the next stage or step in life as my motivation. The only stage left for me is old age, slow deterioration and then death. I do look forward to death, just not the long path to it. Maybe I will luck out and not have the long, deteriorating part?

I do recognize all my blessings, I do, but no amount of material things can fill this void inside. I love my land, my pond, my new space – I do! I love that I have the freedom to buy whatever I want/need. I love my children. I love my dog. I love that I am strong and healthy and still can sleep deeply through the night. I try to focus on my blessings. I am good at distracting myself with activities or projects, but that is all they are – distractions. I can’t ever get away from the emptiness inside, the continued sense of numbness, the void of nothingness and, most of all, the Knowing that Home is just on the “Other Side” of this simulation. 

I also recognize that I have been in this place before and it will eventually pass. Something will happen to ignite my curiosity and send me down another rabbit hole. Or maybe “someone”, since my path seems linked to the path of my partners in this life. But, honestly, I don’t want another partner if it means an oversized child to take care of or the expectations that go along with a relationship. And marriage? Hell no! Never again. 

This is also what Human Design says is my experience (my only defined channel is the 1-8) – not Knowing (most of the time) with occasional “ah-ha” moments of clarity and Knowing that propel me in the direction I am meant to travel. Sadly, those ah-ha moments are so few and far between and I end up waiting endlessly (Projector curse) for some sense of clarity, grasping at anything that seems like it might lead to it only to find that, once again, I am wrong and there was never any clarity to begin with.

I am still recovering from the Kundalini experiences of my past. I don’t understand why it happened, why the ET stuff happened, and why I had all the amazing OBEs and transformational experiences. Then they all just….stopped. Abruptly it seems. And now it is like they were only a dream and sometimes it is like they never happened at all. Just smoke and mirrors as the song goes. The only thing that remains is this empty void inside and a more intense longing for Home than ever before. 

Sometimes I think my experiences have left me with a kind of PTSD. I relate strongly with NDE’ers. So many of their stories are similar to my own, but I never actually had a near death, not really, just a “spiritually transformative experience” as ACISTE calls them. Sometimes I wish for an actual near death experience – maybe then I would understand??

Okay, so this is just me rambling now. If you have read this far – I apologize for the darkness of this post. I hope I didn’t bring you down in any way, especially since this is Easter, a day celebrating the resurrection of Christ.

Well, I did just bury the snake/Kundalini/old me, or whatever. Perhaps a resurrection is on the horizon.