Author Archives

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Another ReUnion Phase Ahead

The preparation stage is nearing an end. Are you ready for the next stage of transformation?

The energy “pressure” has been building all week. Geomagnetic storms, sun spots, gamma ray bursts, and planets going retrograde (Pluto, Mars, Saturn and soon Mercury). I was unable to sleep last night and when I awoke this morning I heard, “A ReUnion phase is approaching that will last through the end of July.” Ahhhh!

My understanding of just what is meant by “ReUnion” has shifted over the last four months. December, 2015, is the first time I heard the word used by my guidance. At the time, I assumed it just meant that I would meet up somehow with others of my soul family. How the “meeting” would occur, I didn’t know, but I assumed I would be connecting with others in the physical in some way, shape or form, presumably via the internet because I don’t get out much and don’t really know many in my area similar to myself.

I now know just how naive I was…still am most likely. I am reminded as I type, “You are just a child.” Hahaha I am almost 40! Yet I know what They mean. Spiritually, I am still learning to walk…… No. They say. “More like ride a bike.” That’s better, I suppose. lol

They show me that this ReUnion phase, like the past ones (and there have been many more than just the one last December) is a necessary part of the process of becoming Whole. Pieces of our Self are brought back to us. Reunited.

This ReUnion can come in numerous forms from meeting up with a kindred (twin?) soul in the physical to aggressive healing at all levels. There are so, so many ways one can reUnite with those “lost” pieces of Self. Though there are numerous ways this ReUnion can present itself, know that whatever form visits you it will be life-changing on some level. These intense periods are meant to push, push, push you past whatever is holding you back. Think of it as an eruption of Self from the inside while, simultaneously, fragments of Self are flowing back like metal slivers are attracted to a magnet.

I have learned from my past experience with this type of acceleration that remaining the Observer is best. The last time around I failed miserably at doing this. When I hear that another ReUnion is likely in the next few month, I hold my breath for a bit because I am not sure I can handle anymore. Yet I am reassured that I can. Glad my guidance has so much faith in me!

 

 

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Songs as Messages

I’ve been meaning to post the below song for a few days. It sat in my drafts folder for far too long. Since another song is on my mind this morning, I figured I would post them both.

Message maybe? I specifically hear the part of the chorus that says, “Come along and you’ll see what it’s like to be free.” 🙂

Then this morning a song accompanied the heart fire bliss that made me laugh out loud. I have heard it before from my guides but it felt more appropriate than ever this morning. When my husband heard it was on my mind, he insisted that he play it loudly first thing.

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Determined to See This Through

The heart fire is coming and going and bringing with it all kinds of emotions. I am grateful for it’s return because I feel more alive when it is present despite the inner conflict that arises within me.

Yesterday, about mid-afternoon, I went into grief for no apparent reason. Thankfully, I am able to observe these releases and with this one it was easy to see that my grief stemmed from my inability to act on the divine love I have for my counterpart. I almost laughed out loud because it felt like what I would expect a horrible breakup would feel like. Since I have not experienced feelings of such magnitude I can only speculate that “breakup” grief is what it resembles.

In an attempt to understand my grief and this amazing connection I have been blessed with, I asked for help. I was led to read WP, checking Reader for new posts. I stumbled upon this post. The synchronicities blew me away and I began to wonder about one of my recent dreams. I reread that dream and connections were made.

My dreams have been pointing me in the direction of healing for as long as I can remember. How blind I have been! The emotional release accompanying this realization confirmed I was on the right track.

Then I was led to read another of my past posts. The synchronisities screamed at me. I had not noticed them when the post was written but now, now they are so obvious! This part especially hit home:

As we left for the evening, I had to leave behind my new friends and rejoin my family. I felt torn and there was agony in my decision. I walked toward my “old” family carrying a large trailer behind me. It was as if I were the car and it (a huge trailer) was hitched to me. As I walked along the road, I encountered masses of people walking toward me – the wrong way. They were drunk and dazed and I remember thinking, “They don’t see me”.

The entire walk home one of my new friends accompanied me. He and I had a strong connection, one that made me feel alive again. It was like he was my soul mate (if such a thing exists).

When I got home I remember I forgot my keys but decided to not go back. I had crossed through a “gate” of some sort and to go back through it would mean going through a “check-point” and I didn’t want to risk getting caught. What I was getting caught for, I don’t know.

When I woke up I was very sad and questioning why. I felt completely and utterly dissociated from my life, my family, and everyone I know. The feeling was so intensely real that I figured it must mean I needed to disconnect from my life and everyone in it. I believed this to the point that I even looked online for an apartment and told my husband I wanted to move out.

The realization of all of this, all of this I had not seen, blew me away. Of course, I can’t be so hard on myself. I was unable to see it at that time. So much had not yet been revealed to me. But now, now I know.

The first dream was warning me of what was to come. The destruction is my entire life, my foundations, falling down around me. Tear it all down and then build it back up. It is destruction of the old me to make way for the new. It is also representative of how my world was turned upside down in December 2015. The ReUnion threw me into chaos for a time and, like the second dream stated so clearly, “I had crossed through a ‘gate’ of some sort’ and there is was going back.

Everything in bold is how I felt the end of December through January. My whole life felt wrong and I so desperately wanted out of it and to join my new friend.

Putting it all together, my mind was made up. This last hurdle must be confronted and destroyed if I am to get to the other side. Going back is not an option.

waterfall

Dream: Waterfall

I went to bed asking to move forward. “Show me what I need to see,” I said. My Companion whispered to me, “Remember.” I knew this was a good sign.

In the dream I on a boat with a male friend. He resembled the man who I call my counterpart except this time he was much younger and his skin a bit lighter. I sensed he had more “life” in him than before.

We were on a fast flowing, massive river similar in size to the Amazon. It was forking in front of us. Both sides equal except for one thing. The path on the left had lines strung over it filled with live chickens hanging by their feet. They were flapping their wings and squawking loudly. On the right there was also a line but on it there were only two live chickens flapping about.

Together we chose the path to the right and navigated down the river. The rapids grew stronger and tossed us about. I knew not many took this path and that the reason was because it ended in a huge waterfall.

As we approached the waterfall, I saw a brilliant white mansion to the right. I knew no one lived in it. I had been there before.

In front of us the river narrowed substantially and its waters were channeled between pillars of concrete. It was a dam of some sort. My partner asked me if I was ready and I said, “Can’t we go around?” He said, “We shouldn’t.” Then we jumped into the river and swam to the left bank. We crawled out and sat upon the concrete together, both of us completely naked. To our right the sound of the waterfall was prominent. I felt exhausted and lay down to rest. My partner sat next to me and looked down at me. I could see him clearly and recognized him. He was nearly my age now and so beautiful. I wanted to put my fingers in his dark hair but I didn’t. I just stared up at him.

Then he was talking to me but I heard no words. Instead he was writing all over my bare skin. He was writing messages to me. His writing covered every inch of me. I saw I had written messages on his skin, too. I knew I had nothing to hide from him and he had nothing to hide from me. I wish I could remember what he wrote now but all I recall is how gentle and loving he was. My heart overflowed with love for him.

Heart Blast

I woke up in tears. Gentle tears. Tears not of sorrow but of the most profound love. My heart was blazing but part of it, the upper right section, was tender. Instead of feeling grief and agony for the seeming separation I woke up to, I felt determined; brave. I felt as if I could do anything as long as he was by my side and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was….is by my side.

I lay in my bed immersed in the love that overflowed from my heart center and heard my Companion say, “There are some things we cannot do alone.” I knew what he meant and he was not referring to himself as my partner in this instance. It was time to focus on my physical counterpart now. In that moment all I wanted to do was go; to leave everything behind and find him. Yet I knew this was impossible and not appropriate. I have contracts to complete, a mission to accomplish. I must become Whole. And instead of feeling sad about it, I felt determined and undeterred.

Whatever the waterfall is, and I have a good idea of what it is, I CAN confront it and move past it. I do it not only for me, but for him. The kind of love we have is the kind that makes me want to do anything for him. I would lose my life if I had to. I guess that is the motivation I need to move past this because to do it just for me is not enough. I don’t feel I am worth it, but he is.

I want to add that had I known a love like this existed, was even possible, I never would have wasted my time with all the others. That love was a pretend love, a projected love. I don’t mean to negate any of my past experiences or past loves, but that is how I feel. If I had known, I would not have accepted anything but the real deal.

 

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Lucid Dream, Energy Zaps and Flying Sphere

Can you feel the energy surge? There has been a geomagnetic storm  raging since yesterday.

I noticed it yesterday. My energy was much higher than normal and my third-eye began to buzz in the evening. Then throughout the night and into the morning I had some interesting energy sensations. The energy helmet greeted me upon waking along with a nice heart chakra and solar plexus warmth.

Energy Zaps

Throughout the night I kept waking to some strange energy sensations. I have felt them before, but they still surprised me. These particular ones were connected to my thoughts. As I would drift to sleep, my mind would wander. This is a normal part of falling asleep. Everyone does it. Yet this time if a thought focused on the future, such as worrying about something that should have been or needs to be done, I would get this strange energy zap that would come in via the back of my chest and scatter as if sending shockwaves through my entire nervous system. It was very uncomfortable and woke me up every time.

After a few wakings, my guidance came through and asked, “What were you thinking about?” and I realized that only those thoughts that were anxiety-ridden were resulting in this uncomfortable energy. The solution was to focus on my heart and do some pranayama breathing. Despite doing these two things, I would still be shocked into waking because my mind would end up doing what it habitually does. The thought that woke me up the last time was: Oh, I should have made Adrian (my daughter) do her homework before bed. LOL

Lucid Dream: Back at Work

I awoke at 4am because my son was screaming. Afterward it was hard to fall back to sleep. There was energy pouring into my third-eye and crown chakras at this time forming what I like to call an energy helmet. It had been so long since I felt any energy sensations that this made falling asleep that much harder.

The next thing I remember is being in my old office at my last job. I had just arrived to work and was getting ready for the day. As I looked over my schedule and prepared for my first appointment I began thinking, “I don’t want to be here. I don’t like this job” and other similar thoughts. There was a feeling of drudgery and exhaustion that came with it. It made me feel heavy and tired.

The whole time I was sure I was wide awake but the fact that I was in my old office and back at work really upset me. I looked around at everything, inspecting it to try and find out if it was real or a dream. The acute feeling of disappointment was overwhelming and I almost started to cry. I really didn’t want to be there. Yet it felt so real!

I began to say out loud, “I don’t want to be here. I don’t work here anymore. I left this job. This has to be a dream!”

The last statement resulted in a dissolution of the entire scene. It was like it melted away around me. Very strange to witness and even stranger to feel.

The strangeness brought me back into my body but the energy sensations were not the normal vibrations I feel upon re-entry. The only way to describe them is pulsing out from me and then back into me. It was like expansion followed by contraction.

I didn’t know how to respond to this new energy so I did not attempt to go OOB, which is what I normally would have done. Instead I woke up and memories of the night flooded my mind and the energy helmet covered my head and third-eye.

Busy Night

My memories were of being with a group of four others. I seem to be with this group often – two men and two women. I have only a vague recollection of what they look like. I know one man has very dark hair but when I try to focus on any of them I only see a blur. Last night we met like we have been for some time. We usually gather together in a circle, holding hands. I have memory of doing this but am not sure what we are doing exactly.

What I recall of last night is flying in some kind of hover craft. In the dream there was a superhero theme going on and the vehicle resembled the bat mobile except that it was much, much smaller and had no tires. I was invited to fly it and was reluctant at first but then accepted the invitation. I went from apprehensive to full out thrilled as I flew it faster and faster. It was quite fun!

Another memory I have is of interacting with this hovering sphere with two dark “eyes”. It resembled some kind of video surveillance drone. It was black and dark gray and zoomed around me about four feet above my head. It was about the size of a basketball. In the dream I had been told I won a prize and was given laser guns and played a game of trying to zap the drone with the lasers. lol

What is funny is that I recall that I woke from this dream to a feeling of being zapped by energy and hearing the electrified buzzing sound that I heard yesterday while in a lucid state. The sound was so very unsettling yet at the same time completely familiar. I had been too tired at the time to notice but when the memory returned so did the memory of the distinct sound. Crackling, electrified buzzing. Reminds me of the sound a lite saber makes. lol

Heart Chakra and Solar Plexus Warmth

I settled down to meditate because I knew sleep was unlikely. My thoughts drifted to the power of heart connections and mulling over how the world would be in the future. How would humans deal the intensity of heart connections? How are we suppose to handle them?

The answer eluded me, likely because I still have so many ingrained beliefs that need to be released. I thought about my own experience and how it has affected me. I cannot imagine a society where everyone feels such a connection. .

The entire time my thoughts were on this subject my heart chakra was lit up with a warm, inviting energy. My solar plexus soon joined the heart. All along my third-eye was blazing. Just feeling the wonderful heart warmth was a relief. I really thought I wouldn’t feel it again. I want it to stay forever.

 

 

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How I Cope and Other Random Things

This break or amplification or whatever you want to call it is not bothering me anymore. I’m over it. In fact, I’ve been feeling rather normal and like my old self except that I’m most definitely not my old self.

I had a friend ask me the other day, “How do you cope in the midst of extreme difficulty?” My reply was something funny and not really true and I’ve been thinking about her question ever since she asked it.

What I’ve been doing to cope this week is exercising. Actually, I’ve been doing it all through this “cave period”. It started out with me just going outside and finding things to do in our yard. I turned part of our back yard into a garden one day just for the hell of it. And for several days in a row I raked the front yard of the Live Oak leaves that fell in March. This week I’ve been doing cardio routines off YouTube. Today’s really kicked my butt.

If I’m not exercising then I’m doing yoga or cleaning house or, my favorite, baking and cooking. Yum!  I made quiche on a whim yesterday and homemade bread just a couple of days before that. I’ve even got an entire week’s worth of meals planned (unlike me really).

When my mind goes into overdrive I usually get moving. The harder I work my body, the less I am in my mind. In fact, I get so focused on my physical body that I literally go out of my mind (not in the crazy way). Then for the remainder of the day my energy surges until it plateaus around bedtime. I call it moving meditation and it is my absolute favorite kind of meditation. Yeah, I know, I’m nuts. lol

So basically, I guess I should have told my friend, “When things get tough, then I get moving.”

Now that is not always true. Sometimes I turn into sloth woman. That is rare, though. Usually, despite being sloth-like, I still make myself move and then the heaviness peels off little by little and my energy returns. And at times I’ve gotten out the wine. But again, this is very, very rare.

Exercise really is a cure-all. Even for ascension.

Oh and I’ve cried while working out. Yep. lol Not because the workout is hard, either, but the healing/cleansing kind of crying. 🙂

**Smile**

Shifting gears a little here…..(yeah I’m in that kind of mood). Here is a picture I took with my son today. He was being squirmy and trying to take the camera instead of sitting still.

meandelek

If you look closely, you will see my braces (barely – they’re ceramic). I am already very pleased with the results and I’ve only had them a week. Normally, with this kind of picture, I would have deleted it because one tooth would have poked out and looked ugly. Now that tooth is non-existent. How that is even possible in a little over 1 week, I don’t know, but I’m happy about it. 🙂

The List

Shifting gears again…..lol My husband has me researching where we will move. I refuse to move to states with state income tax, so that leaves very, very few places for us to relocate to. Here are our choices:

Alaska
Florida 🙂
Nevada
South Dakota
Texas
Washington
Wyoming
Tennessee
New Hampshire

My choices, with the first being my top pick and the last being never, ever will it happen:

Florida
Tennessee
Washington
Wyoming
Nevada
New Hampshire
South Dakota
Alaska

I don’t know exactly where he stands on this but I do know he is very keen on Wyoming and any place with snow (ugh). He also said he likes Wyoming because it’s one of the least populated states. Honestly, I did not tell him no on Wyoming, but really I can’t imagine living there after living in Montana and Alaska for as long as I did. I’m all snowed out. Plus, I’ve done the hermit thing long enough. So, I suggested we just move to East Texas. He’s dead set against it and my daughter started crying (dramatic). She has her heart set on Florida and the beach. lol I told her Texas has beaches but that didn’t help.

My husband is getting very antsy about the move. He told me yesterday, “Hurry up and pick somewhere because we have to be out in a month.” Huh? I told him, “Um. No. We have to wait until school’s out.”  And no matter how often I tell him Florida, he keeps asking me, “Where are we moving?” Sigh. Geminis!

 

 

 

 

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Sleep Paralysis and ET Encounter

Yesterday’s energy was flat and ominous at times. I realized that the “ominous” feeling came on when I was too much in my mind and focusing outward. I tend to do this out of habit – probing my environment for clues of where the feeling originates. My guides reminded me to settle in my heart. When I did, the ominous feeling muted and there was calm.

This mini-lesson taught me just how much I tend to focus upon the future. Always looking ahead. There is nothing wrong with anticipating future events if you can avoid dwelling on them. That is my problem. I stay in the future instead of pulling myself back to present. This is especially true now when my guidance is quiet 99% of the time.

Prior to sleep, I requested once again to be allowed to remember what was going on while I slept. This was granted. Just to be on the safe side, I took B6 to make sure I remembered more of my dreams and hoping for an OBE.

Lucide Dream and Sleep Paralysis Episode

At bedtime it began to rain pretty hard. This lasted well into the night. I struggle to fall asleep when there is thunder and lightening, often drifting in the in-between for long periods between booms of thunder. This particular night was no exception but something odd occurred. Maybe it was B6 or the intention to remember, but I kept feeling a strange energy come over my body. With the feeling was an awareness of an on-going conversation with my Companion about the soul exchange. I kept interrupting myself saying to my Companion things like, “I am ready” and “I trust you”. With each statement the energy would envelop me, coming on strongly from the center of my back. At its peak, the energy encapsulated me completely and I felt like I was inside the center of a flower bud; “petals” of energy softly cradling me inside.

Usually my awareness would pull me out of these episodes with a start. There was a smidgen of fear every time. How frustrating that the fear is still there after so, so many similar energetic experiences!

Lucid Dream

At one point I entered into a semi-lucid dream. I was inside an unfamiliar house with my children. There was a storm and I could hear the rain pelting the roof. I tried to turn on the light, but the electricity must have been out because it would not turn on. In the dark I could see outlines of the kitchen. Everything had a glowing white aura.

There was a feeling of impending doom that made me nervous. As I headed out of the kitchen, I heard a loud, crackling followed by an electric buzzing. The buzzing got louder and I looked up because it seemed to be coming from above my head. That’s when I saw a tiny, neon-blue colored sphere about the size of a fist. It began to circle around my head. At that time, a hissing noise started to accompany the buzzing. It sounded similar to the release of an air brake but the sound would draw out with a long “hissssss”. I connected all of this to an E.T. encounter for some reason and thought for sure They had come to collect me.

The sounds were so audible, the visuals so vivid and my rising fear so palpable that I suddenly realized and thought, “This is NOT real!”

Sleep Paralysis

Instantly I was propelled into my sleeping body with quite a bit of force, but the sounds and visuals did not dissipate. Instead, they grew more intense and I had to remind myself that I had just been OOB and all was well and normal. My heart was pounding in my chest so hard, though, and there was a strange energy pushing into my back at heart level, that I struggled to calm down.

In my visual field the hypnagogia turned on and there was a message written over and over on millions of tiny, rectangles. The message was, “I love you”. When I recognized the message the rectangles turned into circles and began to rise in my visual field like bubbles. I remembered not to focus on them and tried to focus on my heart and breathing, but this was nearly impossible because my entire body felt wrong. My back felt like it was arching uncomfortably and the energy pouring into my heart center was chaotic and almost painful. It felt as if I was being torn apart. There was also a strange energy around my head that felt wrong.

And I was afraid. Not terrified. Afraid and getting it under control when there suddenly appeared in front of my vision, face-to-face with me, a woman….errr female. Her gender was very obvious for some reason but she did not look human. Her face would fade in and out but when I saw her she had slanted, black eyes that were parallel to each other and almost touched on the very top of her head.

She looked like an insect. A praying mantis.

I suddenly knew I was on board a craft and she was sitting across from me. My fear was gone. Completely. There was a sense that someone was to my left. My guide. I said to him, “I’m ready if you are.”

That’s when the energy sensations pulled me back to awareness of my body. My back still felt to be arching uncomfortably and I knew I was in sleep paralysis. Heart still pounding I got control of it all and was able to slowly come out of it.

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Second Amplification Nearing Completion

Sharing this post from Sandra Walter which was passed onto me by a friend (thanks Molly!). It confirms what I was told and posted in my other blog. Sandra calls this a period of amplification that has sent many of us into cave mode. lol I find this an appropriate explanation! She also states right away to expect this phase to end in two weeks (April 20th) – the exact amount of time given by my guides.

I love it when the universe sends validation!

Blessings Beloved Light Tribe, The second amplification wave of 2016 completes on April 20. As mentioned before, that will be the end of cave time for many Wayshowers and first embodiers. Take advantage of the next two weeks. Enjoy the deep reconstruction of the Resurrection phase. Do the inner work that has presented with this latest amplification; photonic frequencies always raise what needs to be removed in order to ascend your consciousness. Surrendering to Divine Will and the work, the new, the next, with an open heart  is necessary for embodiment. Yes, the visions, experiences and sensations are getting other-worldy. Enjoy the lifting of the veils; let yourself bathe in the experience………

Source: Second Amplification Nearing Completion

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Surprise Visit from Spirit

Just posting this because it is so rare and was quite a surprise.

I was sitting outside this afternoon and out of the blue I was approached on the right by a man in Spirit. He was quite strong (energetically) and very obviously not a guide. He was also very tall as I could sense him standing next to me. I did not try to see him as he was quite vocal. The first thing he said to me was, “Hi, my name is Bob.”

Right then, my dreams from last night came back to me. In one I was talking with a female couple about how I use to walk into places and immediately pick up Spirit and bravely approach people and pass on messages. I told the couple, “I don’t know why, but that doesn’t happen anymore.” Of course I do know why it happens. I don’t want it to.

Now here was “Bob” next to me. I sent to him a query, “My Dad’s name was….” and he immediately said, “I’m not him. I’m Bob Hutchinson.”

I sent back, “Okay. Good. But I don’t do mediumship anymore.” He said back, “Don’t you?” lol That got me thinking, hmm I guess I do if this is happening.

I tried to ignore him but he didn’t go away. I was smoking (yeah, yeah sheesh) and he said to me, “You knows that’s bad for you.” I sent back, “Tell me about it” and then thought, “No, don’t” because I know how literal Spirit can be. He said to me, “I’m not like that (literal). I’m still transitioning.”

His energy was so strong that I kept waiting for him to start throwing it at me to show me how he died, etc. But he didn’t. Instead he said, “I can wait. I’ll be back.” lolol

And then he left. Just like that. No pushing. No nudging. Just a “Hi, here I am and now I’m going”.

I already like him.

In case you’re curious, “transitioning” means that Bob likely died not long ago. Depending on the individual, the transition period can be anywhere from days to weeks and sometimes even months.

When he left my Companion was there on my left saying, “Do you feel it?” Hmmm. Well I felt that anyway. But then it was obvious that the energy had taken a dramatic shift from this morning. My energy had shifted, in a good way.

Then I wondered if I was going to have a parade of Spirits coming to visit. God I hope not.

FYI – When I give readings, err when I gave readings, my Companion would stand on my left and Spirit would come in on the right. I am not sure why this is but I believe it has to do with receptivity. My Companion acts as my Gatekeeper. He won’t let anyone bad through but he doesn’t control those he lets through. I have to do that. If I get overwhelmed I will ask him to close the gates but that doesn’t always work if he wants me to pay attention. Sigh.

Why this is happening today, I have no clue. It has been so energetically dead for me that all of this seems very out of place.

If you know who Bob is, feel free to email me. I will say that it may not be his name he gave me, though. Usually Spirit gives me the name of someone they knew. They don’t often come right out and give me their own name. BUT this could be one of those rare occasions. Who knows. 🙂

 

 

 

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Clean Slate

Yesterday was a tough day. I should have expected it after the intensely emotional dream experience I had. Then this morning more was revealed as to why there has been such a lack of anything spiritual for me for a couple of weeks now. Apparently there has been an upgrade underway for some time and it will continue for some time more. I am not liking this particular upgrade at all, either, for it seems to have almost completely shifted me into the me that is not interested in life or living.

My mind continues to fixate on what I seem to have lost. For example, I went into a depression yesterday because I suddenly felt as if I would never have anymore spiritual experiences or deep heart connections in this life. I desperately missed (still do) the heart fire I had not long ago. It made me feel alive and loved and so many other things that I cannot describe. All connection that was once there seems to have disappeared almost completely and been replaced once again by the endless emptiness that has been with me most of this life. And once again I can’t help but wonder, “What the (expletive) is wrong with me???”

I want to be clear, however, that my guidance is still present. My Companion specifically is communicating with me but the connection that comes with him is nearly imperceptible. The connection is what I miss the most and even though I hear from him reassurance that all is well and going as planned I feel as if nothing is going to ever be right again. My future seems empty, devoid of feeling and pointless.

On top of all this, my sleep is still limited. I keep waking too early and am unable to return to sleep. This morning it was 4:45am! And when I awoke I was furious, demanding to be allowed to go Home (really!? so tired of that!) and it took me quite a while to calm myself down. I did this mainly by tuning into my heart and focusing on my many blessings. It is funny how often I shift into focusing on what I don’t have rather than on what I do have. I began to mentally list what I was grateful for (thanks Rick) and before I knew it I was feeling relaxed and drowsy. Unfortunately, I had to get up at that point to start the day, but at least I was in a far better mood.

Clean Slate

Despite the disconnection I’ve been feeling, there still comes through brief flashes of memory; messages from my counterpart. One particular memory is of being presented with the “new” me in energy form. It is best described as an energetic template because it is seen as an energy body of an electric-blue streaked with purple and indigo. It is spectacularly beautiful and when I see it in my memory I want to exhale and cry tears of relief. The feeling is that this energy template comes with the exchange. At some point I will literally drop my current template and take on this new, clean one. The one I occupy currently feels dirty in comparison to the new one. I understand that the dirty feeling is the debris I am currently clearing. In order to step into the new template I must clear the old one. I don’t really understand why that is. All I know is that I am extremely tired of how long it is taking to clear the old one. The more I try to clear, the more exhausted and apathetic I become. The current issue in front of me feels like an impossible mountain. When I think of trying to climb this mountain, I get extremely tired and disinterested.

So I am back to square one it seems. One step forward, two steps back. I’m trying to remember all the lessons I’ve learned along the way; to not become bogged down by my mind and stay in my heart. It is extremely difficult to do this when it appears I’ve been left on my own. Boredom poses an obstacle, too. I was told last night it was a good lesson for me to learn. Heard  a chuckle along with the message. I don’t see it as a fun lesson, but then my Companion knows that. Patience and persistence are needed. The heart will provide these things if only I can stay there long enough.

 

 

 

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To Become Whole, We Must First Be Separate

Warning – this post could upset some of you, especially those of you who have experienced sexual trauma.

“To become Whole, We must first Be Separate”.

This was what I was told this morning when I awoke in tears from a dream directed at helping me to heal a major wound which I have been carrying with me for many, many lives.

Dream

In the dream I was a counselor who was told about an incident where a young girl witnessed her father molesting her little brother. In the dream, I actually witnessed it as well. I took the girl to report it and listened to her statement.

Then I shifted into a hospital setting and was laying in a bed. Everything was white. In front of me was this machine that I knew was an electroshock therapy machine. It was connected to me. I kept shocking myself over and over again with it. For some reason the shock made me feel better and I would smile. I both experienced and witnessed this as it occurred.

Then a man came into the room. I recognized him as my partner. He was completely naked. He radiated unconditional love and sympathy as he crawled into my hospital bed and snuggled up to me. I felt completely numb and did not respond to him.

When I awoke, I was crying uncontrollably. It was not sobbing, but more silent, slow tears that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to stop them and my heart chakra was ablaze with a warm, comforting feeling. I heard from my Companion, “It’s not your fault.”

Healing a Deep Wound

The wound itself has been one of discussion in this blog before. It specifically comes from the past 3 lives prior to this one but is also a part of this lifetime.

The wound, simply put, is betrayal. More specifically, this betrayal is betrayal of love and trust. The love of a child for a parent. The love of a woman for her husband. The complete trust of a child that their parents will care for them, protect them, and nurture them because they are too small and too innocent to do so themselves. The complete trust of a wife in her husband and expectation that he will protect her and bear what she cannot.

With all this betrayal of love and trust also comes a feeling of complete abandonment by God.

There is also a complete disgust for mankind and the male gender in general.

To recap:

  • Most recent past life: I was murdered by my father at the age of 6. I am not sure why but Remembered this morning that my mother, who I thought innocent, was an accomplice. Betrayal by parents.
  • Life before that: I married a man who was abusive and raped me. Betrayal by husband.
  • Life before that: As a child I was molested by my own father after my mother’s death. Later in that life I was murdered by my own husband who also murdered our infant son and then killed himself. Betrayal by father. Betrayal by husband.

This Lifetime

Memories from this life also surfaced. When I was little, around 7 years old, I walked past our bathroom and saw our neighbor using the restroom in front of my little sister. He was asking her, “Do you want to touch it.” Horrified, I took my sister’s hand and told her, “No.” The moment will forever be ingrained in my memory.

I told my mom but I had no idea what, if anything, she did about. The neighbors eventually moved to Mexico, though.

Fast forward to 2003. On a road trip back from California, I fell asleep in the back seat only to awaken to the sound of my mom and older sister having a serious conversation. In it, I overheard that my sister had been molested by the neighbor when she was 10-11 years old. This was the same neighbor who I had seen trying to get my younger sister to touch him. I interrupted their conversation because I was totally shocked. My sister said, “I thought you knew about it. He did it to you, too.” I had no idea what she was talking about.

She went on to tell of what exactly he did and how he use to touch all three of us when swimming in our pool. My sister has struggled with healing from her experiences her whole life.

I still have no memory of any of it.

In recalling all of this, I wondered if maybe I buried memories from this life to save myself from what my sister is still struggling to heal. I honestly don’t think that he did to me what he did to her, but I have feelings that do not make sense from that time in my life. I also have huge gaps in my memory from that time in my life.

Connecting the Dots

Beliefs and feelings were obvious to me. It was like a flood of information, as if all the weeks of deep sleep and healing were finally revealed.

Love is painful. Men are not to be trusted. It was my fault, so I should be punished.

There are other false beliefs but these are the main ones. The last, especially, is troublesome because it is the last belief that continues the cycle.

My guidance has long told me, “You are special”. It was repeated this morning. This time, however, I understood why. This phrase was often spoken to me when I was molested by my father in the first life in this cycle. Everything that happened after was associated with that phrase. That is why I always retract from it and experience fear when I hear it. I always think, “I am NOT special.” I don’t want to be special because to be special means accepting what happened to me and what I was – which was “bad”. In that lifetime I felt I was being punished – by my father and by God – but I had no idea what I had done wrong.

It was reiterated that none of it was my fault and that I need not be punished any longer. The emotions from that and the other lifetime resurfaced. Emotions of confusion of a child who loved his/her parents unconditionally only to suffer at their hands. Despite all of their mistreatment of me, I still loved them. I love them so much that I assumed it was not their fault but my own.

I was reminded that I reject love from others; I do not allow myself to be loved fully. Love is fully trusting in another. It is placing all of yourself in their hands. I refuse to do that. If I cannot do that, I cannot become Whole.

This wound is the last big hurdle I face in the path to Wholeness. I asked why I had not just healed it on the Other Side between lives. It was explained that when we are Home we are separated from much of the experience of the pain, so we cannot fully heal our wounds unless we are in the physical where they originated. When I return to the physical the pattern continues – I feel I should be punished and so I am. And it was never my fault to begin with.