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Lucid Dreaming Course Notes

Last week I started a lucid dreaming course. Normally I wouldn’t bother but the course kept coming up and I figured, “Why not? Maybe I will learn something new? If anything it will be a good reminder.”

The following are points that apply to me. There is much more content, of course, but these are the most applicable to my current situation.

1. It is not recommended to attempt lucid dreaming if you are depressed or frequently experience moments in waking reality that seem dream-like. 

2. Older people tend to have less emotional energy and therefore have to work harder to lucid dream. He gave an example of how senior citizens don’t see the point and struggle to find motivation to even try while young people are excited to try. He suggested that older people try to get more positive and focus on maintaining positive, higher energy to take with them into dreamtime.

3. You need a goal when you dream. Going into a lucid dream without a goal is not enough to sustain it.

With number 1, I am definitely depressed, and this fits into my realization that the reason I’m not having experiences (OBEs, lucid dreams, Kundalini, anything at all) is because I am so disinterested in life and pretty much everything. Lack of interest in the waking world has seeped into all other areas. Long ago I decided I didn’t care about dreams anymore and no longer paid attention to them. My husband also told me that “no one cares about my dreams” and he doesn’t understand why I spend so much time writing about them in my blog (ugh).

I got into the habit of waking, recalling the dream and thinking, “It doesn’t matter” and going back to sleep. Of course I then forget the dream. Sometimes I will still remember, but not usually. And it is frequent that I look around me and think of waking reality as unreal and dreamlike. I don’t hallucinate or have any confusing experiences but the dreamlike quality of life is real to me. However, I’ve always been this way and it did not pose a problem in the past except maybe at one point I had to deliberately stop going OOB because I was having confusing waking experiences.

With number 2, now that I am in my 40s I have noticed that my sleep cycle has changed. I sleep much more deeply and when I wake up in the night the heavy feeling and grogginess pulls me quickly back into sleep. Even when I do have slight awareness in dreams I end up feeling so very heavy that I actually choose to return to that oblivion rather than take advantage of the awareness and lucid dream. So, if this translates to emotional energy level, then I can relate. 

For number 3, I frequently run into the issue of having no goal or direction. I enter a lucid dream or OBE and have no idea of what to do. I feel like I’ve done it all and when I ask to be shown things, I get nowhere. So, I go explore and end up finding restrictions such as windows I can’t go through, solid walls and objects, and find places/environments that really don’t interest me. It feels like physical waking reality and since I’m not interested in that then it translates to no interest in astral or lucid states.

Creating a Dreamsign

In the course, one assignment was to find a dreamsign to use to help bring lucidity in a dream. The sign should make you pause and think in a dream, thus bringing on lucidity. It took me no time to figure out what mine was – a cat. Not only do I not like them but when I see them I am immediately curious as to why they are there. Sometimes there is a group of them chasing me or at other times they are bedraggled and sickly. No matter what I always wake up with memory of them.

I didn’t think much when I set the intention before bed. I said that I would see an orange cat and wake up in the dream (I used the wrong words and this is important). Well, the first dream I had there was an orange cat. I remember thinking, “A cat!” and then I woke up immediately and with a start. lol

So, the wording is important and in this case it caused me to wake up. I should’ve said, “When I see a cat it will bring increased awareness” or “When I see a cat I will know I’m dreaming”. Sigh.

I’m pretty sure another one of my dreamsigns is that I receive a message, either written or spoken, in a dream. I have worked hard to remain in the dream to receive the full message. In the past it would wake me immediately.

It is frustrating to me that I either wake up too fast or choose to sink deeper into unconsciousness. This is a clue to what is happening in my waking reality. When I’ve looked more closely at why this is, I realize that it all started around 2018 as the result of two unpleasant experiences related to the Kundalini. Both I’ve written about in this blog. One is the heart connection and the other is a subsequent connection that involved the lower four chakras and had no heart chakra involvement. The second experience was similarly upsetting and disappointing but did not devastate me like the first.

If I look even closer I realize that these experiences caused me to feel betrayed by my HS, the Universe, All That Is. It made me feel like a pawn. I was played. I don’t like feeling like a fool, and that is exactly how I felt after these experiences. And to my betrayed mind, because both were preceded by dream encounters, I opted to dull that part of myself so as to not get fooled again. I also consciously asked for my heart to close where it had once been open. I figured if my heart isn’t open then it can’t be decimated.

My early spiritual experiences came easily because I had no biases, beliefs or previous experiences. I was a blank canvas, naïve and open to anything new and exciting. Often my guidance would show me this in OBEs. For example, one time I ran naked towards a familiar guide and he took a white, circular table cloth and covered my nakedness. This came with a warning that it wasn’t wise to be so open. Nakedness = vulnerability. He was, of course, correct, and I got burned.  

So far the course has been helpful in that it has shown me why I am having an extended dry spell. Still, I don’t have high hopes that much will change. I am keeping a written dream journal by my bed and forcing myself to write notes so that I recall more. I am setting intentions and following the suggestions in the course. If anything, it is a good reminder and gives me something to do. 

Here is a link to the course I am taking if you are interested.

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Dream: Healing the Wounded Feminine

What a relief! The heavy, tense, depressed energy has cleared and I am feeling so much more positive! 🙂

Dreams

Had some major healing dreams last night. I tried staying awake when I woke around 2am so that I would have a lucid dream or OBE. Instead, I woke a couple of hours later in tears from an intense, eye-opening dream. 

I think there were two dreams very close together that were on the same topic.

In the first one, I was being asked questions about considering a relationship with someone. It played out as both a dream and discussion with interludes in between where I was left to ponder the information.

The visuals were of us meeting in a plain white room to have sex and I would leave despite him wanting me to stay, talk, connect, etc. I wasn’t interested in anything deeper. It was a kind of “friends with benefits” situation but in real life I wouldn’t even call us friends, more like acquaintances. I was asked why I chose to do this and I explained that I didn’t see a point – I have everything I need and want in life. I listed out my children, my home, my job and even my current relationship. It was clear I saw the prospect of having a more meaningful, deeper connection with this guy as a distraction and waste of time.

There wasn’t a distinct shift into the next dream. I entered a room where I watched as a FB acquaintance of mine had agreed to connect with a man. “Connect” here would be defined as coming into Union; a Kundalini connection ie. merging of the masculine and feminine in physical reality. I recognized her straight away. She is stunningly beautiful IMO. She was laying down and the man was kneeling over her. They were facing each other and she had completely let go, opening herself up to him in all ways. In her vulnerability the man had full control and I could feel the energy between them. It was intense but muted in the dream. He asked her to guide him so that he could give her what she wanted and needed. When she told him what she needed he paused and sat back on his heels. Looking at her with a smirk on his face, he said something insulting and degrading but I can’t remember his exact words now. She immediately shut down and curled up into a fetal position. The man laughed. 

I felt horrible for her as I could feel what she was feeling. It was a feeling I knew all too well. I approached her and knelt down beside her. I asked her what she needed. I was shown her wounds. It was quite shocking. I saw a visual of the man cutting away her entire left side. He left it on the ground next to her. It looked like a giant piece of jerky, a cut from her armpit to her hip bone. It was clear the man had stolen a part of her and it had a physical impact as well as an emotional and spiritual one.

Then I was laying down next to her dressed in a white shift. A woman asked me what I needed. It was like I was the other woman as well as myself. I could feel everything she felt plus my own stuff. I told her how I felt but the memory of it is not in words but in actual feelings. The feeling is immense grief, sadness and depression, more than any person should have to carry. I wanted only to sleep, to somehow escape the heaviness of it all. 

It was at this time I reached out my hand and found the hand of the other woman who was laying injured beside me. I could see her delicate hands almost lifeless next to me. I gently opened her fingers and held her hand. She gripped my hand and I took my other hand and placed it on top. The message I sent her was, “You’re not alone. We’re in this together.” When I did this I began to sob. It was as if I could feel all the pain and grief of every woman who has ever existed. 

Realization

I woke up with tears still streaming down my face and processed all the information that was still coming through from the dream. 

Prior to sleep I had watched a show about the Yanomami Indians of Brazil. I had studied this group when in college and so was interested in how things had changed since then. In the end, it reminded me of how important balance is, not only to the planet but to humanity. I had gone to sleep thinking of this balance, especially between masculine and feminine.

I had also decided that if I woke in the night and had slept for at least five hours that I would try to stay awake long enough to sort of “reset” my sleep clock so that I could more easily lucid dream or go OOB. So, around 2am, this is what I did. I had a sense that something was going to happen anyway, but I didn’t know what.

Why this sense? For two nights prior I had dreams of driving trucks. In one it was a semi-truck and in another just a regular truck. Both were white. I rarely dream of trucks and it is even rarer that I’m driving. Trucks in general represent hard work. In both dreams the context indicated healing work. There was also focus on the second chakra, which I have long had issues with (most women do).

So when I awoke there was complete understanding about the healing taking place and why. 

The first dream indicates that I am avoiding deeper connections, specifically with men. I give many reasons for this, but the real reason is revealed in dream two. It became crystal clear to me that I push away deeper connections with men because of a massive wound, a wound that all women have. It is the result of men misusing their power over women, using it to control, manipulate, abuse and enslave. 

Though I don’t mention it in the second dream, I could feel the very natural, vulnerability of being a woman along with the many gifts of the feminine. That vulnerable feeling is our natural state. We are made to be healers, to nurture and protect our children, to nourish our family, to flow in love and support of others. We willingly open ourselves up to the masculine as our protectors and initiators of change. To feel this way is a relief but with it comes something unnatural – fear. I now understand that fear more fully. 

In the Yanomami documentary, the women of the tribe get to a point where they have to come together in order to provide what the men cannot. The men can’t find enough game to hunt because of changes in the ecosystem brought about by heavy mining by the white man. Their water has been tainted with mercury and the forest cut down. Many of the men go with the miners back to the city and don’t come back. So the woman have had to take on the additional role of provider. They weave baskets to trade for food.

The wound I carry and all women carry was very obvious in the early morning hours. I asked my guidance, “How do I heal it?” The answer I received was, “A man”, and saw that the only way to heal, for me at least, was to find a man who can fully step into his role. The hardest part for me would be to open up fully to him, to be vulnerable and allow him the power I fear he will abuse. 

The only way to overcome fear is to face it. 

I could also see how many women have chosen other women to fulfill the masculine role. The acquaintance in dream two is one of those women. I know instinctively this is not a path for me. However, it is often other women who are best at helping one another find their hidden feminine gifts. Society has taught women to be more masculine than they are naturally inclined to be. We have to rediscover our feminine nature. For me, it has been through K connection (merging) that I’ve finally glimpsed my full, feminine potential. 

Finally, it was crystal clear that any healing I do on myself is also done on all women. Like I said in the dream, “We’re in this together.” 

I know it is possible for me to do what is needed, to be fully open and vulnerable. I have done it before. In the past I was not given what I needed, similar to the dream, so I retreated and my walls went back up. I doubt I will ever trust this particular individual again and it saddens me. I wish I wasn’t so cautious. I wish my natural defense mechanisms wouldn’t kick in automatically, but they do. My Ego/logical mind says, “Protect yourself. Take care of yourself.” 

This song was on my mind when I woke. When I researched the lyrics this section indicated to me:

So, I made you think that I would always stay
I said some things that I should never say
Yeah, I broke your heart like someone did to mine
And now you won’t love me for a second time

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Seeing Myself

A recent situation in my life has brought me some much needed clarity. My understanding in the end is that a huge part of my journey is understanding that I must first see myself and only then can I be true to myself.

In summary, a group I have long been associated with via my husband, has rejected me (again). In this particular situation, my husband was the one pushing me to “try again”. I’ve had great success in the past using the methods of this group to gain clarity and make progress energetically and spiritually. However, there came a time when they refused me their services unless I followed their specific route. Their way did not align with my way, so I refused, and have been “stuck” in terms of that path ever since. So, when my husband and SIL began to push for the group to make an exception, I didn’t refuse their help because if I could get more assistance via their methods I knew it would be very helpful. I told my husband to go ahead and try but I didn’t think it would work out. I had a strong Knowing, in fact.

In the end, the group did nothing different than before and the cycle is now “dead”

The whole incident had me thinking of groups and how, no matter what group I am a part of, I end up feeling like I don’t belong. I’m just not a follower nor am I someone who enjoys groups. I am a leader but then my design makes me one of those leaders people won’t follow, at least not groups of people, because my reasons for what I do is “just because I Know” and most people want logical reasons. I don’t work like that. However, I remember listening to a Ra video where he said of all the people who he would follow it would be the person with the 1-8 channel, like me, because THEY KNOW. We do our own thing and it is correct. People follow the others but eventually they see our path was the right one but it is too late, they fell off the cliff following the other “logical” fellow. Ha!

So it is no wonder I don’t fit into this particular “group”. I am only bitter because, as usual, they don’t see that my Knowing is correct for me and keep trying to force their more logical path on me. They resent my independent nature, look down upon me, judge me for being true to my own path. I know my path is correct. I don’t have real reasons for this, but I will give you some to make you feel better. lol However, those reasons will never be enough for others. They will still think their path is better. It might be – for them. For me it doesn’t fit and so I go my own way. It really rubs them the wrong way when they hear I have the abilities I have, abilities they are all trying to get but haven’t found, when I haven’t done it their way. They think I am not truthful or that I am elaborating or something. It is a no win situation for me if I seek approval or validation from them. It won’t be coming. EVER. Not unless I pretend to believe their path is correct for me, which I can’t do for long. I do not have a poker face. lol It (the pretense) always falls down in a pile of bitterness at my feet and they look at me, shocked and full of judgment.

It is very true for me that the only approval and validation I will ever get is by being true to myself. The approval will either come from within, where I feel that little spark that says, “Yes! This is correct!” or it will come from a rare few who are in awe of me but I won’t understand why. The fact is, I don’t care about what the group thinks or says, not really. If I lead myself to believe this, I get hurt – bad. This not-self behavior was conditioned into me from an early age and is part of all my undefined centers. People just can’t swallow that I don’t care – truly – what the group or others think. It makes them want to label me as anti-social, selfish, narcissistic, etc. I’ve become very good at pretending in an attempt to make others feel more comfortable around me. It is a lie for the most part. I will always be the black sheep in a group setting.

My husband hates that I don’t care what he or others think. He cares very much (but his design says he is more similar to me). He cares a lot about what the group thinks and works very hard to be part of it. He fights with himself. I see the constant internal struggle. He wants to be like me, to not care and “go his own way” and will blow up at the group on occasion, but generally he plays along, convinced he needs to be an accepted part of the group. I think he is with me to live vicariously through me because he lacks courage to really be himself. He tells me this often in various ways. He values my independence and my ability to stand alone despite others riling against me.

I think my path now is to recognize and embrace these things about myself while tossing the lingering resentment that has come from a lifetime of trying to fit in and never achieving it. It has come with some nasty lessons. So often I feel bad when I am true to myself because someone seems to always get their feelings hurt. They can’t understand why I am so “cold” and seemingly “uncaring”. It isn’t that I don’t care, it is that I don’t have the energy to pretend to go along with whatever drama they are playing out. I can see past their present into the future and know that their dramatic reaction is unnecessary. But they never think to ask me to share my wisdom. They are caught up in the present, unable to see me through their judgment and whatever high emotion they are moving through.

One of the hardest things for me is to observe but not be asked what I see, nor does anyone even notice I am there most of the time. It is like I have noticed many times over this lifetime. I feel like I am standing in the eye of the hurricane, watching everyone circulate through chaos around me but not being able to do or say anything to change it. It isn’t that I don’t experience the chaos, either, I do. It is more that I am able to step in and out of it at will. In the past I thought it out of my control, but really it isn’t . The older I get, the more I recognize this gift I have.

It is no wonder I am retreating into hermit mode. I will probably be there the rest of my life. No more seeking out groups to be rejected because I want so badly to be invited to share my wisdom. It is pointless. Trying to force that to happen is just asking for a negative experience. So, it is best to just enjoy my solitude and let some passerby notice me and call me out. It is a one in a million chance, too, because there are so few designed to truly SEE me. I just have to have faith that the right ones will be led my way. In the meantime, I will just dance to the beat of my own drum inside my hermitage.

For those not familiar with my Human Design chart, here it is. Maybe it will give you insight into me and so understand all I wrote above:

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Dream Message: The Walls will Crumble

It has been a while but I finally had some vivid, memorable and informative dreams.

Dream: Laughing Over the Hill

The dream is fuzzy but I remember walking along a long, paved road in the country towards a town in the distance. The road (life path) had no lines on it and it was very straight with only a slight rise in slope as it progressed towards the town. I couldn’t see the town, though, all I saw was a glimmer of sunlight in the distance like a sunrise or sunset.

I walked off the road at some point and walked along a path that had handrails along it. I began to run and ran through some trees to where there was an very steep drop to a vast green field. I ran into the field, arms wide, feeling freedom and relief. The grass was a pale green and tall, up to my knees. It was a soft, pastel green, that soothed my soul (healing).

I was about halfway into the field when I stopped, looked up at the complex and lost my breath. It was so massive that it intimidated me. It looked alien and somewhat military, but I didn’t know what it was. The combination of the massive structure and vast, endless sky overwhelmed me. There was a fleeting thought that someone would soon become aware of my presence and I didn’t want to find out what they might do about it. Feeling quite exposed, I turned back towards the tree line. When I got there, I lay down in the green grass, arms and legs splayed, waiting for the sun to rise. 

With the trees just behind me, I waited there, and saw a glimmer of orange in the sky indicating the sun was soon to rise. A song was in my head and I sang aloud, feeling happy and relaxed. The sun rose in front of my eyes and the murky twilight was chased away by its rays. 

A man’s voice broke the silence and I sat up, still humming the song. I don’t remember seeing him, just hearing him. He was asking me a question, but I can’t remember it now. I got up, sensing he was a groundskeeper or caretaker of the property, and walked up to the tree line.

From there the dream shifts and I am talking with a woman about the complex. I don’t know if it is the massive one I saw or another one. It felt like a museum but also a place of learning. I walked along the railed paths and saw children. Was it a school? I remember discussing this. I recall thinking of my children and smiling to myself. It is such a great joy to watch them learn and grow.

The topic of the song I had been singing came up. It is hard to recall now but I remember singing it and it had “fa la la”. When I woke up this morning I had an old song on my mind from my childhood.

“Laughing singing, laughing singing, come the children over the hill. Fa la, la la la, la la la la, Ha, Ha, Ha, laughing over the hill.”

Dream: College Discussion

I was with a young man inside a space like a room. We were discussing completing degrees and he was doing his online. I remember happily asking him questions and he informed me that he was taking his classes from a school in Indiana while he was residing in another state. He was where I was so in the dream I assumed he resided in the same state as me. I told him that, unlike him, I went to the state where my college was located and completed my degree there. This was the entire dream and it seemed like I was communicating that there are two ways to learn – from a distance or in-person. I had selected in-person. This disccussion was a reminder that I chose to come to Earth to do “hands-on” learning.

Dream Message: Crumble Down

This dream was nearly lucid. 

First, there was a dream prior to the most lucid part. In it I was inside a house looking out massive floor-to-ceiling windows. It was clear that I was high up. I had a phone in my hand and was trying to take pictures and video (seeking to recall info) but when I turned on the camera and pointed the phone at what I wanted to record the screen showed something very different from what I was looking at. Instead I saw the inside of a house, but not the house or apartment I was in. I turned to check and sure enough it was not accurate to where I was located.

I fiddled with the phone and opted to just look through the camera into this other place. I saw the back of someone’s head. The hair was blonde and cut short and they felt to be a young man, maybe a teenager. I looked around via the camera and saw a modern kitchen with straight lines and white cabinets and counter tops. I walked up to where the counter was and moved something to use as a test, a package of food like bread I think. I tried to take a photo and couldn’t, even when I flipped the camera around. 

Then the young man I had seen in the screen was next to me and we began to interact. We walked along a covered path that ran along vast fields of various crops. There was wheat and another, fat leafed crop I didn’t recognized. I remember planting seeds (creation) in the areas where the crops had not flourished and coming back around to check on them after some time had passed. They hadn’t grown as much as I had liked and I touched the soil. One section was moist but not the other. The areas also didn’t get as much sun as they should. I concluded the seeds were not getting enough of what they needed to grow (lack of energy, growth).

Then we were back inside. The blonde man was with me but so were some younger children. The topic of accidentally seeing a sibling naked (vulnerable, open) came up. With the discussion came visuals and memories of me trying to hide my nakedness. I remember saying that at some point I just stopped caring if anyone saw me naked. There was a feeling with saying this, like relief and utter lack of concern, that seemed to opened me up to the shift that came next.

I was laying prone (face down) on a table, completely naked. I could feel a pleasant massaging of my back. It was slow and sensual and every touch relaxed me more. It was warm but the touch was not like normal touch. Instead it was energetic, as if each touch was opening up a new part of my energy body, allowing the energy to flow fully into places that once had restricted flow. I could feel the energy, but only slightly, as if it was muted.

While laying there I got flashes of the person providing me with this massage. I cannot recall his features now but he was not familiar to me. He had large, brown eyes and was quite thin. I want to say his skin was darker than mine, but it is hard to say. 

We were talking and I called him by name: John. What he told me I repeated aloud to myself. When I repeated his words there was a visual. I could see myself as if I was watching from over the top of my prone body. I could see that I was completely naked and I could see walls all around me. The walls were silvery and translucent and were not very high, only about a foot higher than my body. With the words I spoke I saw all the walls crumble down, outlining my body in a silvery dust. The words are lost to me, unfortunately, but there were three sentences. The feeling upon waking was that something would happen that would make it impossible for me to keep those walls in place. When they fell, they would all crumble at the same time. 

When I saw/said this, I shifted my awareness back to the me laying on the table. I had a strong urge to turn around and look at the man helping me. The urge made me want to give back to him what he was giving me. The sense of the energy was familiar and magnetic but also very gentle and loving. My entire body felt alive with this energy. Had I felt it fully it most definitely would’ve woken me. 

As it was, the energy was strong enough that my lucidity peaked and I lingered in the in-between for a bit. The man’s voice was with me in the in-between and I called him John again. He explained that all it would take was one “touch” and my walls would fall. With his words there was a sense that I have had before. When it happens I energetically open up, completely vulnerable and all defenses vanish. I’ve experienced this before. It is the most beautiful thing. There are no words to describe it.

Considerations

The above dreams together seem to indicate several things. One, I desire freedom but something is holding me back; I am afraid. Two, my path of learning is a hands-on, in-person one. Three, I am being asked to change my focus (the camera dream). Four, I am being warned that at some point in the future I will encounter someone or something that will break through my defenses. 

When I woke I lingered in bed feeling really groggy. I had a visual of myself once again. In it, I was laying in a fetal position and thought to myself, “I’m in a cocoon.” The walls from the dream are my protection. My Knowing tells me I’ve been in this state for some time and that it is purposeful. There is nothing wrong with it. I will emerge at exactly the right time.

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Ice Storm 2023

It seems each year brings at least one major weather event (lately more than one). This year brought a particularly severe ice storm to my area. I’ve not seen this much ice since my high school years! The storm brought severe destruction to the areas trees which in turn damaged property.

It has been especially sad to see many very old Live Oak trees completely destroyed. Live Oaks keep their leaves through the winter months and, with the ice coating all their leaves and branches plus a second round of rain the night of the 2nd and morning of the 3rd, they just couldn’t handle the strain. In two of the pictures above, 25+ year old trees were completely decimated. They make a scary sound when they break under the strain of the ice, too. It sounded like thunderclaps. I imagined a massive giant walking over the top of them, snapping them in half with each heavy step.

Though my neighborhood didn’t lose power, many around us and across the area did. In fact, Austin is still trying to restore power to over 100,000 people. My kids’ school was canceled Tuesday – Friday. I’ve not been able to work because the power at the main office has been out since Wednesday. My mom and step-dad, who live 40 minutes north of us in a rural area have been without power for days. Power is expected to be restored sometime today.

A Message from the Birds

The day aftre the ice storm hit I saw a Great Horned Owl in a tree behind our house. This is unusual. I’ve never seen one in the 8+ years we’ve lived here. It was being harassed by two crows. They wouldn’t leave it alone. It was close enough that I got it on video. The argument lasted a good half hour and then the owl finally left. 

Pictures below are screenshots from the video.

Owls = wisdom and foresight. Crows = transformation and change. I see the interaction between the owl and crows as an indication that something will bring me wisdom and foresight in life. With the insight gained changes may result. Considering what happened next, I think the owl and crows might have been a warning of what was to come. 

When the morning of the 3rd came around I twice ignored my intuition and it cost me. Firstly, I told my husband to take down the zip line because I suspected a tree limb or tree would fall on it and hit the line which would then destroy the side of the house. He did nothing and I forgot about it. In the past, tree limbs have fallen and caused minor damage, and I had a gut feeling it would happen again. There is a massive tree in the creek area that always loses large limbs and I specifically had a vision of this happening again. Yet, once I told my husband, I forgot all about it. I’m not sure why.

At 2am, February 3rd, a loud boom woke everyone up. It sounded like a bomb went off. Turns out a tree limb fell on the zip line. It was huge and the force of it on the line busted the corner of the house in the master bedroom. The destruction was so bad that from inside of the house you could see outside via a crack along the corner. Siding and insulation was thrown all over the back yard.

I insisted my husband take down the zip line right then and there because another impact would surely take off the entire side of the house. He took it down. Half an hour later, another massive branch fell. Had the line been up, the wall would likely have not been able to handle it.

I had a thought after this happened that I should move our van. I didn’t because it appeared to be far enough away from a tree. Plus, it was sealed shut by over an inch of ice and it was 2am. Two hours later several branches fell on it, busting the side mirror and denting the top.

So in these examples my foresight was not utilized and negative events transpired. In the end, thankfully, the material cost has not been high. My husband has already fixed the house and the van is scheduled to be repaired on Friday. The only cost will be our deductible and the few supplies needed to fix the house. 

Honestly, this small amount of excitement has been better than the boring, mundane drudgery that is the norm. I remember taking a walk the morning after all the destruction thinking it a blessing to have something interesting finally happen, something within our means to easily navigate. When it all happened I responded pretty well, too. A decade ago it would’ve been too much for me. I would’ve most likely been in tears. That I was able to return to sleep after all the destruction speaks for itself!

As I type this I can’t help but think of the image of the owl as it sat through the crow harassment. It was very passive for the most part, only jumping up a few times when the crows got to close but not in defense of itself, just to avoid their beaks. The owl is my main totem in this life. I’ve seen them since childhood and had close encounters as well. For example, when I was around 6 my dad hit one with his car and retrieved it from the ditch. I recall it coming to life, spreading its huge wings and being set free. It was magnificent! Just before Christmas, 2022, I purchased an owl incense holder, too. So, as recently as December, the owl has been making its presence known.

So, as far as the crow-owl event, I will take it as a message to remain the observer and only take action when the time is right. The crows indicate the right time will be obvious, probably annoying or maybe just a tad uncomfortable. And, from now on, LISTEN to my intuition when it warns me of something to come. Had I just followed through, this storm wouldn’t have caused us any problems whatsoever. But then perhaps I wanted/needed a little excitement? Hmmm. My husband and I did begin to laugh after the van was hit. What else could we do? It was better than the alternative. I think this is why we were both able to go back to sleep despite the ice chaos and continued thunderclaps of breaking branches going on all around us.

Praying for all those who were not so fortunate during this ice storm.

Here are some pictures of the damage to our house and car. I only have a picture of the inside of the house, sorry, and it was taken after my husband had already reattached the wall. Before you could see through to the outside at the corner. The outside was pretty bad. The side of the house was not connected at the roof and all the siding was gone.

****All pictures were taken by me between the dates of 2/2-2/4/2023. The featured image of the Cardinal in the iced branches is also mine. Please do not duplicate or use without my permission.****

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Human Design: The Four Gates of the Incarnation Cross

“Our [incarnation] cross embodies the full expression of our awareness potential and our process of living awake.” p 288

There are 192 basic Incarnation Crosses and 768 specific Incarnation Crosses in Human Design. A full Incarnation Cross reading is suggested to fully understand it. However, if you cannot afford a pricey reading or would prefer to dig into your Incarnation Cross on your own, then here is how you can do it.

The Four Quarters

First, there are four quarters: Initiation, Civilization, Duality and Mutation. Each of these quarters has distinct themes. Initiate = begin, Civilization = build, Duality = bonding and Mutate = evolve. 

The Quarter of Initiation (Alcyone*): Purpose is fulfilled through the mind – thinking, educating, conceptualizing, explaining, sharing. The Channel of Initiation is located here.

The Quarter of Civilization (Duhbe**): Purpose is fulfilled through form – builds structures, communities and civilizations that support the Whole, the perfection of individual skills, the essential role/position of women to create a safe, creative and productive home for family/children/everyone. The concepts of the mind are made concrete. All 11 gates of the Throat center are found here. This quarter is dominant in Yin.

The Quarter of Duality (Jupiter): Purpose fulfilled through bonding, reproduction and replication to ensure humanity’s future. This quarter is primarily focused on the other and the most mundane. The Channel of Discovery and Mating is found here plus all seven gates of the Spleen. 

The Quarter of Mutation (Sirius): Purpose fulfilled through transformation – life is brought to a successful end while preparations are made for new beginnings through future incarnations. This is the most mystical of the quarters. The Channel of Exploration and the pressure of the Root is located here.

*Alcyone = Eta Tauri, a star in the constellation of Taurus.

**Duhbe = Alpha Ursae Majoris, second brightest of Ursa Major’s stars.

You can determine which quarter your Incarnation Cross is in by locating your Personality Sun on your chart and its corresponding Gate. For example, my Personality Sun is in Gate 33. So in locating Gate 33 on the below chart I would see that my Incarnation Cross is in the Quarter of Civilization. 

Gates

“Our life’s activity is expressed as our purpose and is captured in our Incarnation Cross by combining the themes of the Sun and Earth positions in both columns of the Human Design Chart.” p288

One’s Incarnation Cross is usually listed on their HD chart (see red box in pic below). The four gates of the Incarnation Cross (in parentheses to the right of the name) can be determined by looking to the gates of the Personality and Design Sun and Earth. See below:

One’s Personality Sun and Earth are listed first followed by the Design Sun and Earth. Remember, Personality is what is conscious and Design (Body) is what is unconscious. Listed below is how to apply the themes of each:

The Conscious Sun Gate = Represents your gift to the world; gives insight to your life’s purpose. 

The Conscious Earth Gate = Practices that bring you to your center and represent your “work” in life.

The Unconscious Sun Gate = Takes you deeper into yourself, leads you to self-acceptance, forgiveness and unconditional love for self.                                                    

The Unconscious Earth Gate = Practices that ground and protect you spiritually and help you get closer to “God”/the Universe/All That Is.

Anyone can better understand their Incarnation Cross by looking to their Personality Sun/Earth Gates and Design Sun/Earth Gates.

All the Gates and corresponding lines are listed in The Definitive Book of Human Design, Chapter 6. You also find the Gates and Lines online via a Google Search which will often take you to a website called The Daily View via the International Human Design School.

Since I am most familiar with my own chart, I will use my HD chart as an example:

Incarnation Cross: Left Angle Cross of Refinement (1), Quarter of Civilization 

“People who know that it is not enough to have and protect a home; life is enriched by making it beautiful. Beauty that heals”.
p301

I will be listing my Gates in order of Conscious Sun and Earth followed by Unconscious Sun and Earth and incorporating the application.

Gate 33.6: Retreat, the Gate of Privacy and the Revelation of Secrets. This is my gift and life purpose. Through retreat and time alone I gain insight and wisdom and, ultimately, enjoy the privacy that comes with it. As a SPP I would take the insight and wisdom gained and share it with those few who invite me to. So, my greatest “gift” is the insight and wisdom gained through retreat. The 6th line = disassociation; the ability to let go.

Gate 19.6: Approach, the Gate of Wanting and the Fuel for Social Needs. This Gate reveals what practices will lead me to my center and aid in my “work”. I am sensitive to the needs of others as well as my own. The practices here would be to set and keep firm boundaries and honor my time alone. While I understand the needs of others and will want to provide for those needs, I must also recognize that I can choose to not do anything about them depending on the circumstances. The 6th line = recluse; “the avoidance of contact in general but not exclusively”. 

Gate 2.2: The Receptive, Gate of the Direction of Self, the Driver. This Gate invites me into deeper levels of self-acceptance, forgiveness and unconditional self-love. These come via the Receptive Feminine and maintaining the balance between Masculine and Feminine. I am a visionary that can give direction to others while also having my own direction. The 2nd line = Genius also known as the Natural; a natural gift for unlearnable Knowing. 

Gate 1.2: The Creative, Gate of Self-Expression, Creativity rooted in unique direction. This Gate gives insight in how to ground and protect myself while also leading me to “God”. In this case it is all about creativity and doing my own thing regardless of what others think or the attention it might draw. The trap here (detriment) would be to put desires and passions in front of creation/creativity. Line 2 = Love is Light, self-expression conditioned by ideals and values. 

If you consider all of the above it becomes abundantly clear that the Incarnation Cross goes much deeper than the descriptive keywords provided online and in various HD publications. In fact, the description of my Incarnation Cross has never really resonated with me. It sounds like I am suppose to be an interior designer of family homes! “Beauty that heals”…what does that even mean?? BUT add all four of the Gates to that plus the Quarter of Civilization and it begins to resonate more and more.

Gate 33.6 is exactly what I’ve been feeling the need to do for a few years now. Retreat. Get space. Get time alone to find clarity. Yep! Gate19.6 also is something I’ve been working with – setting boundaries and keeping them, learning to take care of myself, not giving too much of myself/energy to others. As for Gate2.2 being how I dive deeper into mySelf, the description is EXACTLY how I’ve done it – via the Kundalini and the balancing of the Masculine/Feminine within, learning to embrace my Feminine side, learning to be vulnerable, and recognizing my path is not necessarily going to align with others. Finally, Gate1.2 also has shown up, specifically regarding the tough choice between passion/desire and doing “my own thing”. 

In the end, all four combine to create a unique Beauty behind which lies the intention to nurture, love and protect my family (which includes the greater Whole). 

Source: The Definitive Book of Human Design: The Science of Differentiation, by Lynda Bunnell

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Disturbing Spirit Encounter

Went out to my mom’s yesterday to measure the RV for a flatscreen in the bedroom. It will fit a 40in! Taking out the old, bulky TV was not difficult but we made the mistake of taking out the larger one over the front. It was as if they built the shelving around the TV. My husband had to knock it hard to get it to come free. Unfortunately, it revealed a huge hole containing wires and such. We also found a handful of loose change and a country CD from 2000. lol

The cleanup was messy but I got most of the debris with the vacuum and broom. We need to take our upright vacuum out there to suck up some of the sawdust. My husband had to use a circular saw to cut two hanging boards and so there is dust all over the front end.

The idea in the back is to mount the TV and use the space behind it for storage. We’re not quite sure how we are going to do that yet. Either we build a “secret door” and mount the TV to it or we just mount the TV at the back of the open shelf and position it to cover the opening. 

In the front, well IDK. My husband wants to take the RV to an RV Shop and see if they can fix it and some other things. He should call and find out today (if he remembers). If I have extra time I might start in the bedroom with painting the walls and maybe the cabinets. I most definitely want to paint the walls. It may be a big undertaking, though, so not sure if I should if I am going to be sleeping in there.

We walked up on the hill of our soon-to-be 6.2 acre plot. I thought there use to be a road up there but if there was it was overgrown. My step-father was there and walked with us. He said it will be hard to get electric to the spots I have picked out. He said the electric company is very specific about where they place new poles. My husband suggested we just do it ourselves, running it undergrown alongside the waterpipe once we figure out where we will build. We agreed that a clearing should be done selectively, preserving as many trees (even the junipers) as possible so that it maintains the wild look we like. My husband wants it to resemble a lodge we frequent, with trails and sitting areas all about. I like his idea.

Good news is that the Wi-Fi is good enough for me to work from the RV when I am there! Yay! I plan to go out next week, probably Wednesday after I’ve cut checks for the week. I’ll stay the rest of the week and into the weekend. It will be a nice break. I might request a work laptop rather than try to use my tiny laptop like I did in Costa Rica. The keyboard is smaller and the screen not big enough for what I need. Regardless, it is good to know the internet is not going to be an issue. 

My spirits are way up compared to what they have been because of the plans with the RV and land. My husband even commented saying that he is pleased to see me so happy and it makes him want to do more in terms of creating a retreat space for me. This is very good news because he has been reluctant to help me up until now.

The bad news is that our tax bill is likely to be extremely high this year. Plus we have a loan recapture payment. With both we may end up with nothing in savings. Without the cash, building a cabin will take longer. I don’t want to get a loan for many reasons, mainly to avoid a mortgage payment but also because loans have requirements that will force us to make the cabin like any other house. I want it to be off-grid and I won’t make any compromises. My plan is to have solar panels with electric available but only as back-up. I don’t want a septic at all. Mortgages require a septic and in this area an aerated system, which is costly and requires a contract with a company to maintain it.

Sleep Disturbance

Around midnight last night I was awakened by something a bit disturbing. I was dreaming and remember a woman grabbing both my breasts, holding them in her hands and pressing hard against my chest. She was also shaking me a bit as if trying to get me to move. I remember her saying, “I hate you!” I don’t remember the dream aspect of it too vividly, just the very real feeling of her “attack”. I told her to stop and she wouldn’t listen. This is when I woke up.

When I awoke I could still feel her hands on my breasts but the pressure and pushing had stopped. I sent a mental query in case she was actually present. I heard back, “This is my house!” There was quite a bit of anger and I figured she was probably an Earthbound. I told her, “No it’s not. Now get out!” 

Eventually I had to get up and use the restroom and when I returned to bed I put up protection around my bedroom and then the entire house. I also said the Lord’s Prayer just in case because I could still feel her energy around. I told her one final time to go away and then returned to sleep and had no more encounters with her.

Strangely my children have been having odd encounters now and again. I laughed them off because they seemed minor. My daughter actually just had one a few nights ago. She said she could hear someone breathing right next to her had while she was laying in bed. She said it freaked her out and when I asked if she was afraid she said no. She said she just ignored it and fell asleep. I thought she might be asleep when this happened but she told me she had just gotten up to use the bathroom and was wide awake. I told her it seemed like someone in Spirit was attempting to scare her and to just ignore it, reminding her that they can’t hurt her.

I’ve decided to smudge the house just in case. I’ve had Spirit encounters in this house before but nothing like what I experienced last night. When I first started going OOB I had similar experiences and my house was a Spirit hot-spot with actual sightings (my BIL saw a man standing in my window, I heard the man yell at me and also saw him move the blinds to get my attention). 

Featured image is the entrance to the road leading to the back acreage (trees way in the background).

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2023

Happy New Year!

I hope this year turns out better than last. 2022 was heavy!

What I learned from 2022:

I don’t like living in crowded places. I need space, a place where all I see is nature and the only sounds are of wildlife and the trees. 

I’m bitter and the only way to release that bitterness is to give myself more space. I don’t have time to waste on feeling that way. I prefer to focus on feeling joy.

I am loved. I am blessed.

Wanting only leads to suffering. Gratitude and humility lead to peace.

Silence is my friend.

Healing is possible, just give it time (and in my case, space).

Everything I need/want is right where I am.

The only thing holding me back is myself.

Listen more and say less. When I listen people open up to me and invitations are more frequent.

Abundance is a state of mind. 

What I accomplished:

I recognized and released an old pattern related to my relationships with my mother and siblings. It is not something that is gone completely but now that is it recognized I can prevent it from tainting the rest of my life.

We paid off our mortgage!

I’ve made peace with my MIL and our interactions are pleasant and enjoyable.

I’m developing a healthier relationship with money. I’m more generous and less triggered by it in general. This is a lesson that I brought into this life and continue to work on. 

2023

Last years goals were accomplished but I chose to not pursue the HD Analyst path because it did not feel 100% to me. Mostly the fact that it is profit-driven put me off, but also that the program asks that students memorize info and then are tested on their memory that really put me off. They discourage analysts from using their intuition during readings and want them to regurgitate verbatim what is written. I am intuitive BY DESIGN so this just won’t work for me.

The RV we purchased was not utilized by me until the very end of the year. It was only recently that I got to enjoy it. I spent three days in nature on familiar, family land. There are small issues that need to be resolved but all in all the experience was very good for me. I immediately felt relief and the time spent in nature did me a ton of good. I wish I had used the RV more but this last week was the only time I really felt drawn to use it. I’m glad I did!

I was not able to train a new AP manager and move into the CFO position. Mostly this is because I am not the only one involved in the decision but also because of the difficulty in finding a suitable replacement. What I learned is that the younger applicants are quick to quit if they encounter any difficulties. We hired and lost two applicants. The younger one, a Millennial, lasted a week and a half, complaining because he couldn’t get a raise (he was just hired!) and demanding to work-from-home. The other one, a Gen X’r, enjoyed her job but got odd sicknesses so frequently that she finally resigned (in two weeks). Both I had to train, which was exhausting and challenging. In the end I decided it was just easier to put an end to the search. 

So one out of two goals were met. Not good odds but then I usually don’t set goals anyway. In my experience, life doesn’t work to well when I try to force something to happen. It works much better if I listen and trust my inner guidance.

I am still not certain about my work path at the moment but I am okay with it. There are just too many positives, specifically that I can work-from-home and do not have to deal with people unless I want to. It feels like this is exactly what I need at this time in my life.

The RV still feels like a positive and I intend to utilize it more frequently. There are some minor repairs that are needed (no hot water for example) but it is 32ft long and provides one person with ample space to live, sleep, even do yoga or workout. I intend to spruce it up a bit and spend as much time in it as I can. The only hurdle right now is internet so that I can work from the RV. I don’t know as of yet if the wi-fi will be enough to ensure a strong remote connection. Since the location is so rural, the only internet available is satellite though my mom said a new tower was constructed (I could see it) and the company offers internet service. 

My husband is going to help create a spot for the RV that is even more secluded than where it is parked now. It will take some time, though. The land needs to be cleared, a road put in, and water and electric brought to the site from the base of the hill. Eventually the RV will be replaced with an off-grid capable cabin. I am super excited! But for now, the RV will work just fine for my needs. 

Being out on family land may prove a challenge in other ways. My mother has allowed my sister to park her RV next to the house. She has been living there since before Thanksgiving and there are already indicators that things may turn sour like they did last time. This family drama has been going on for some time. No matter how far away I go it seems I cannot fully escape it. This is mostly because my relationship with my mother. She often reaches out to me, confiding in me and asking my opinion among other things. As she ages I feel she will need me more and more. To abandon her is not in my nature. It may be that I have a lesson to learn in all this. Can I remain neutral while also assisting when needed? Perhaps I can also help my sister?

I don’t have any other ideas for 2023 just yet. The priority is that I get the space I need to heal and release the bitterness that has built up over a lifetime. I think everything else will fall into place after that. 

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Dreams: Birth and Wedding Preparations

Another night of vivid dreams. None lucid this time but that’s okay. Kinda glad I wasn’t lucid, especially for the first one.

Dream: Pooping a Baby

I felt an extreme pressure in my nether regions that felt like I needed to have a bowel movement. I went to the restroom and when I pushed ever so slightly I felt this huge mass of something down below. I reached down to feel what it was and felt this massive, round, solid lump. Immediately concerned because it felt like a baby’s head, I called my mom in to help. I told her, “I think I’m having a baby” she said, “Then we should go to a hospital right now.” The pressure below was extreme. I was dong everything in my power not to drop the baby right there. It is hard to describe the feeling. There wasn’t any pain, just intense pressure. Every pelvic floor muscle I had was activated to try and keep the baby inside. One look at my face and my mom said, “I don’t think we have time.” She instructed me to climb into an empty bathtub, which I did. I lay down and pushed. I could feel the mass moving out but was highly concerned it would be covered in feces. I never looked but could feel something wet, likely blood, coming out with the baby. The dream ended before the baby was fully born so I don’t even know if it was a baby, and if it was, whether it was alive or not.

When I woke the sensations of the dream lingered but disappeared fast. It was a weird feeling!

Dream: Vow Renewal Preparation

I walked into a church with my husband and a few others. There was quite a bit of activity inside with various small groups of people clustered together. It was soon clear they were all signing up for wedding ceremonies to be performed that day. I was wearing a wedding gown, so it was clear I was getting married, also. The whole thing felt a bit rushed, though, and all the people in the chapel made me anxious. 

We spent a little bit of time getting things in order such as who would be standing where and what time the ceremony would take place. A woman I didn’t recognize was to stand by my side. We discussed her holding my bouquet while the rings and vows were exchanged. I had no idea who she was but assumed she was just there to help, a stranger doing a good deed. She had shoulder length light brown, almost reddish blonde hair, a round face, and a short, chubby body. She seemed nice enough and I didn’t have any issues with her helping me. The thing that was concerning is I was completely unsure how I got there, who I was marrying and why. I concluded that the ceremony was a vow renewal.

I remember watching a group of very tall, black ladies walking toward the entrance/exit of the chapel. They were extremely loud and excited. The woman with me said she recognized one lady and even called out to her to say hello. The woman had an odd shaped body and I remember noticing. She had this roll of skin pushed up high under her breasts as if the pants she was wearing were too tight. It made her silhouette look unhuman and I thought to myself, “I’m glad I don’t look like that.” lol

Then it was time to talk to the man who would be doing the ceremony. He was short, older, and balding. I remember looking down at my dress at this time. It was long and white with some lace. I knew it was a wedding gown. It all felt really silly and unnecessary to me and I didn’t care about the details being discussed. The busy chapel and all the groups inside made the entire process even less appealing. I didn’t want to get married or re-married and if I did, I sure wouldn’t want it to take place here, tightly scheduled between other wedding parties. 

I woke up from the dream thinking, “What was that about? I would never do a vow renewal.” lol

Considerations

As I was typing the wedding preparation dream I remembered something that happened yesterday on my drive into work. 

I haven’t worn my wedding ring in years. I stopped because my husband never wore his (he welds and works with his hands) and I don’t like wearing jewelry. Yet yesterday, looking at my hands on the steering wheel, it felt like I had forgotten something. I had an urge to touch my ring finger where, in the distant past, I would fiddle with my ring and make sure the diamond was straight and centered (or it would cut my other finger). It all happened quite fast but I recognized the oddness of it in the moment. I wondered briefly if it had anything to do with my dream from the night before where I kept trying to remember who I married in this lifetime. I didn’t spend too much time thinking about it and promptly forgot about it….until now.

My BIL and SIL recently renewed their wedding vows in a very public way. My husband has since asked if we could do the same. He hasn’t pushed it on me but he has mentioned it a few times now. I am not interested. I didn’t want to have a public ceremony the first time we married. I wanted to elope. Yet he insisted and so I gave in and agreed to a church wedding. Honestly, if I could do it all over again I wouldn’t. So, that was probably why I was feeling like I was in the dream. I just wanted outta there! lol

The dream about giving birth may be related to the healing my guides referred to yesterday. When I said I wanted to go OOB they told me, “You’re still healing”. I wondered what they meant. I have since asked (after these dreams) them to elaborate. 

Having a strong urge to use the bathroom is symbolic of release or a need to relieve ones self of “waste”. Spiritually and emotionally, waste is anything we have been holding onto that is no longer needed and might even be bad for us. Babies are signs of new life, new beginnings, hope, and renewal. Since IDK if the baby was alive or not, or if it was even a baby, my guess is that I am trying to rid myself of false hope and ideas that at one time seemed promising and new but have since degraded. Overall, this interpretation feels correct to me. One of the hardest things for me since 2015 and the entire heart connection experience has been letting go of the “what if”. There were so many hopes dashed and destroyed and the hardest part was that I believed they would come to be. I feel so foolish for ever believing. 

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Wish I Could be Part of that World

Finally good sleep! And lucid experiences!

Dream: Tiny House

I was visiting this place that had a bunch of tiny houses together on one lot. The houses were two small  bedrooms linked by a bathroom (may be symbolic of marriage). Inside they had high ceilings and antique furniture (the past). The entire place smelled old to me. In my room there was a double bed with an antique hutch. Inside the drawers were all kinds of things from the past, most women’s earrings (love and relationships). I picked up a pair that was colorful, dangly and heavy and thought, “These must be from the 70’s”. 

The door (opportunity) into and between the rooms got stuck and I somehow broke it trying to open/close it. There was a woman there who reminded me of German Hilda type – broad shoulders, square jaw, tall and somewhat intimidating. She was in charge of the tiny house and came in to fix the door. She called in another woman and they worked together to fix it while I wandered outside. Outside there were city streets reminiscent of somewhere in Europe. There was a building that reminded me of a museum (reflecting on the past) with a path that went back into a heavily treed park. I walked down it looking around at all the greenery and space, curious about the museum which looked like it was also a research facility of some kind. Right before I woke up I think I ran into a man but can’t quite remember. 

Dream: Detective Visit

I heard a knock at the door (I was at my Mom’s house). When I opened it I saw a man who I instantly recognized. I called him, “Detective” (new beginnings, justice) and asked him why he was there. He said, “Sorry, but it looks like I’m going to have to get your statement/report. They are going to move forward with the investigation.” I asked, “Why? It doesn’t make any sense.” There was memory of past events. Apparently I upset a female classmate and she was pressing charges. The extent of the upset I never remembered but it felt like she was throwing a tantrum and trying to get attention. Exasperated, because the ordeal had been on-going for some time, I asked the detective, “Is there anyway to make this go away? Do you think she will accept a settlement? I could just pay her $50k and apologize.” I went on to say, “I wasn’t even in contact with her from April through June.” I saw a calendar in my mind and knew I was attending classes the entire time. I then said, “I don’t even have to stay in school. I already have a degree.” I thought some and then said, “I have a Master’s degree already.” The detective, a handsome blonde man (almost too handsome IMO) about 6 feet tall, gave me a look and sighed. It appeared he didn’t seem to think it was a good idea. 

Series of Lucid Events

I woke from the dream feeling really, really groggy. I happily returned to sleep, asking to go OOB or be lucid. It has been so long and I miss it.

Almost instantly I was lucid, feeling the heavy energy of my astral body sitting superimposed over my physical body. I could perceive both my physical environment and the astral one. I knew I needed to move OOB and so attempted to but it seemed every time I tried, something in the physical would distract me. There were noises off as usual but also physical sensations of the body like the heaviness of my blanket, the feeling of the bed beneath me, my arm going numb, etc. 

The scenes I found myself in varied. Mostly it was dark and I only had my other senses, vision being turned off for some reason. When I did see it was as if in a dream. I was lucid but confused and not actively controlling the dream. 

For example, at one point I was trying to relax so I could go OOB and found myself kneeling next to the piano bench. It was topped with my boys’ freshly washed clothing. One son was there picking up his clothes and asking me questions, distracting me. I could see the piano and the bench but not him. The sensations were the most memorable. The heavy feeling was wonderful and I fell backwards into it, hoping to pop OOB. Instead, I just landed on my bed (I was already OOB but didn’t realize it). 

In another instance I was in front of a man I thought I recognized as a past boyfriend. I could see his face clearly but it was younger than I recall and the features that use to distract me about him were softened and so he was pleasant to look at. I thought, “I really want to kiss him now!” Then confusion hit me. I couldn’t recall my life, specifically asking myself, “Who did I marry?” lol I had no idea. My memory was blank. 

Then I was standing in front of two men still trying to recall who I married. I thought the one on the left was the boyfriend from before but the more I looked at him the more I realized he wasn’t. I looked at the man on the right and had no idea who he was. Looking back and forth I was concerned because I couldn’t remember ANYTHING. The man on the left called in two other men who seemed like his strongmen or bodyguards. I instantly thought to myself that he was trying to influence my decision and scare away his competition. I didn’t care because I still didn’t know who I was or who I married.

The confusion brought me back to body awareness and the scene vanished. Feeling calmer I went back to focusing on going OOB. Again, I decided to fall backward. This time, after a short distance where I floated like a feather, I landed on grass. I could feel the cool blades of it poking my back. I laughed to myself and enjoyed the sensation of it. Still, though, I didn’t realize I was OOB and attempted to leave my body without success. 

When I finally came back to body awareness the floaty feeling remained with me. Part of a song came to mind: “Wandering free, wish I could be, part of their world”. 

I immediately told my guidance, “Thank you.” Then I said, “But I wanted to go OOB.” I heard back, “You still need to heal.” I said, “Going out of body is healing!” I got no reply to that. I’m not sure why healing is a reason not to be lucid or go OOB. Still trying to figure that one out. 

The song continued and I agree – Wish I could be, part of that world (astral world that is).