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Human Design: Completely Open Solar Plexus Clarity

I’ve been watching NDE accounts lately. I feel drawn to them because they are similar to my STE’s (spiritually transformative experience) and I when I listen to their stories I feel less alone. To hear their stories gives me hope and helps me Remember.

The following NDE account is the one I watched last night – The Near Death Experience of Nancy Rynes.

There were several key messages that got through to me. One was a reminder that we are never alone. We have guides available to us and we can call on them at any time. We can ask them questions and they will answer. We need only listen by quieting our mind and being receptive to the answers they provide. Another was about karma. She doesn’t like the word “karma” because there is so much misunderstanding surrounding it. Instead, she calls it “making amends”. She came back from her NDE mainly because she wanted to make amends; to do as much good as she could in order to cross out all the bad. Finally, there was the reminder that our Life Review is meant for learning. We should not blame ourselves or feel guilt or shame for those times in our lives when we did not live up to the challenges of life. Instead, we should look upon those times as lessons and examples of areas where we can strive to do better. 

I went to bed specifically asking my guidance for help in answering my question: What is my purpose? Why am I still here? I honestly did not expect an answer since my dreams and waking life have been so devoid of spiritual connection lately. 

The Answer

I woke up from a vivid dream in which I was riding in a car with my BIL. He had a camera in his hand that was perched on the steering wheel as he drove. I sensed that operating the camera while he drove was stressful so I asked him if he wanted me to take it. He agreed, relieved, and handed it to me. I asked where to store it and he handed me an envelope with a woman’s name and phone number on it. When I looked at it I became slightly lucid and was flooded with emotions that I knew were not mine. I looked over at him as he drove and the emotions set in. It was clear that he had great love for me but was embarrassed by what he felt. The love was similar to what I’ve felt in dreams in the past with various people. So it was nothing new; however; this time a voice came through the dreamscape into my consciousness. At the time I was feeling very uncomfortable with the knowledge of what he felt for me as his feelings do not mirror my own and he is my husband’s brother which makes his feelings very inappropriate. So, the voice was asking me, “What would you do?” 

His question woke me and the conversation continued. I had Knowing that I didn’t have prior to bed. There were also memories of other experiences I’ve had, all pertaining to extremes of emotion. 

The question was to get me to consider how I would respond to the emotion I was feeling in my dream if it occurred in waking reality. That was why I felt so uncomfortable in the dream. The dream version of me would not have any issues with his feelings for me. If anything, I would reciprocate because when I am OOB I am full of love and without judgement or expectation of others. The waking version of me would reject the love because it is socially unacceptable here in the physical to show that kind of love to anyone and everyone I felt it for, especially a BIL. 

I remember wanting to feel the love, though, and asking to feel it fully all the time because I’ve been feeling so numb and disconnected lately. My guide advised, “That would not be wise.” In fact, I heard a “No” firmly when I pressed the subject. He said that the positive emotion cannot be felt without the negative. He reminded me of times when I experienced the extremes of emotion ranging from Divine Oneness to grief and despair as I took in the emotions of what seemed like entire groups of people throughout the history of the Earth. Those experiences were extremely difficult for me and each time I did not know what to do with all the emotion flowing through me. I felt overwhelmed and helpless yet compelled to do something. When it was the Divine Love and amazing connectedness of the Kundalini experiences I’ve had, I wanted immediately to abandon this body and return Home. When it was the grief and despair, I wanted to help but felt small and insignificant, unable to do enough to take all the pain away. 

After this “review”, I agreed with him. It would be too much. 

There was discussion about why it is too much that went beyond just how overwhelming it would be. We discussed why it was that I could feel so much from other people. I remember saying something that caused my guide to ask me, “Do you think everyone is like you?” With this came memories and reminders of how other people experience emotion. My lens of emotion is very different. While I feel so much from those around me, pulling in their emotion and fully experiencing it as my own, the vast majority of people do not do this.

Human Design came to mind along with my completely open solar plexus. This is the emotional center and has various gates with specific “lessons” attached to them. These gates allow the individual to experience emotion in a fixed way. They can only experience emotion this way and will do so through that lens throughout their life. My solar plexus has no defined gates whatsoever. I have no lens through which to experience emotion. Therefore, I end up “adopting” the lenses of others. Early on in life I was conditioned by those closest to me via their definition, causing me to adopt the lense(s) of their defined solar plexus. 

It has been said in Human Design that those with completely open centers have “mastered” the lessons of that center. However, it became clear to me that though this is true, I have mastered all lessons of the gates of the solar plexus, I am still working on the mastery of having no gates. To have no definition, no set way of emoting, is hugely challenging. I easily pull in the emotion of others and end up struggling to handle the emotion because I do not have the tools within me to do so. I am “empty” of tools. 

I asked my guide how to I manage this? My guidance reminded me that I have all I need within, all I need to do is listen. With this I recalled how I have managed in the past. I let the emotion flow through, observe it and allow it to pass. The reactive part of me cannot be trusted. I tend to react how I have been conditioned and it is not who I AM. 

I have been conditioned to take sides, to react in a certain way. When confronted with my own Design, my completely open solar plexus, I am left with…nothing. I feel calm. It is quiet. It is peaceful. These feelings are alien to me because, all my life, I’ve been surrounded by highly emotional people. My family growing up was full of emotional reactiveness. When all that is gone, when I am correctly living my Design, I think something must be wrong. I get bored and I look for things to react to. This is the addictive quality of being completely open. We become addicted to our conditioning. 

It became quite clear by the end of this conversation why my guidance was saying my lesson is in self-restraint. Just put the word “emotional” before self-restraint and it begins to make more sense. It also applies to other areas, of course, but it is emotion that sets the stage for what comes next. The emotion is the trigger. I must remember that the emotion I am feeling IS NOT MINE. It is so difficult to comprehend, yet it is true for me. I am feeling the emotion of the other(s) I am interacting with in the moment and responding in the way I’ve been conditioned to respond.

My guidance helped clarify this by reminding me that if I observe others around me, I will notice them acting upon their emotions. Emotion is the fuel of action. This is a Collective lesson as well as my own. 

So, I am here to practice self-restraint. To resist reacting to emotion. To resist taking action in response to emotion. Instead, I need to let the emotion flow through me, observe it and respond later based upon what my authority advises. This is exactly the strategy of anyone with emotional authority. You have to “ride the emotional” wave before taking action or making a decision. The impact of no solar plexus definition upon Design would be similar to being fully defined (all gates defined).

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Be Courageous – Remember

My son woke me at 3am. He was wandering the house saying his tummy felt weird because he was anxious. In the morning he told me why.

My oldest son had some major lucid dream/OBE activity last night. He was excitedly telling me all about it this morning. Most of his experiences were on the scary side. He said he heard a man say, “Hey! Don’t come in here” when he headed to the bathroom. At the time he didn’t know he was OOB. The voice was not one he recognized but wasn’t scary. This led to a conversation about “noises off”. He later asked me, “So…does that mean we can do it [OBE] together?!” I said, “Yes!” He said, “Cool!” I told him all the times I’ve seen him when I’ve been OOB. He’s the only one of my children who ever interacts with me and is conscious of being OOB. I’m a proud mama!

Above is what I posted on FB. He said he would fall asleep for 10 minutes and then wake up to weird stuff like the above. He is genuinely interested in his lucid experiences and is good at spotting them. I look forward to watching him grow and learn from them.

When I fell back to sleep I had an odd dream about being inside a tiny home that had lots of house plants. I kept meeting all kinds of people. One I recall was a young drug addicted couple with two beautiful angel children. Everyone person I saw I wanted to hug because I could see how beautiful they were inside. I felt so much love for them. 

I think I had this dream because right before bed I was thinking how little love I feel for people lately. I am just devoid of love for other humans. I was feeling guilty about it especially since I watched another NDE account where God told the women that even her thoughts affected people. The woman would not say or do mean things but would think them, assuming that doing so made her somehow better than those that didn’t hold back. God explained that the negative thoughts feed into the person’s energy and make it harder for them to break free of negative cycles.

I definitely do the above but without thinking that I am “better” for saying nothing. I feel as much guilt for my thoughts as I do my actions or words. When I was in counseling discussing those things I have done that may have hurt people, my thoughts would come up all the time and the counselor would tell me they didn’t count because I didn’t actually act on them. Now I realize that I have been right all along – my thoughts are just as overt as any action. I should be paying attention to them, not ignoring them.

I do know one thing, I am living a life that is very negative right now. Why is it that way? Well, the same NDE reminded me that I create my reality and this “prison” is of my own making. The woman in the NDE spoke of how she was protecting herself from hurt by slowly withdrawing from the world. She wouldn’t let anyone close enough to hurt her. She ended up going to work and just being superficially nice and appropriate, then would go home and do her mother duties and then go to bed. She didn’t go out or socialize. She said no one really noticed her doing this because it was so gradual and eventually she was inside the prison she experienced in her NDE – a black void. 

I’ve created a similar prison for the same reason. 

What is even stranger is that after listening to the NDE account partially I opened up a Stephen King novel, Duma Key, my husband left for me to read. The introduction called “How to Draw a Picture” explained how white is a name we give to the absence of memory (color) and black is the absence of light. It fit perfectly. He says that taking a pencil and drawing just one line (the horizon) on a white piece of paper is the most courageous thing anyone can do because that line lets in the dark. The only way to create anything on that white paper is to draw lines (let in the dark). 

“Black is the absence of light, but white is the absence of memory, the color of can’t remember.”

Duma Key by Stephen King, no page number

To me, all the above events in the order they happened, paint the picture of a message: “Be courageous – Remember.” Because, after all, a huge part of my journey has been Remembering. Remembering is a different kind of memory, it is the recapturing of the Self through creation. We all are capable of Remembering but not all of us have the courage to do so. 

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Reminder: Self-Restraint

Below is a dream account from Nov 3rd that led to lucidity for the first time in a while.

Dream: Teaching Others

I can’t remember the beginning of the dream except that I was with a young man with brown beard that reminded me of a professor I had in college who taught Social Psychology. He and I walked into his classroom where it felt I was to assist.

He left me in charge briefly. I wasn’t concerned because I was only watching the students for a short time. Relaxed, I enjoyed observing them. However, two young black girls began fighting. One ripped the underwear off the other one and was running around with it. I intervened, grabbing the underwear which was quite dirty and crusty, and put myself between them. I sent another student to the office for help as I sat with them and discussed their behavior. I remember specifically asking if they would behave similarly in other situations like church, a store, etc. They seemed to understand and were remorseful. I was sympathetic and remember thinking, “They don’t know better.”

The teacher returned without help, the class dismissed and I stayed in the classroom. New students came in and with them a fellow classmate of mine who I haven’t seen in over 20yrs. I recognized her and called her by name. She hugged me and then kissed me on the lips, which was awkward but I didn’t think anymore about it. I looked up at her, she was always tall, but she was gigantic! I commented on her height and asked if she was over 7ft. She said, “No, but my sister is.” She asked how tall I was and I told her 5’6″. I felt like a dwarf in her presence. We got to talking about our lives and she said she had lived for a time in Yuma, AZ. I told her my life hadn’t been very significant. Then she left.

Another person I recognized came into the classroom. A woman who use to own the business my husband and his brother now own. She was in a tizzy and I wondered why, following her gaze. When I did, the room transformed and I was standing outside near a restaurant with lights strewn up around a shallow fountain and pond nearby. She was looking out at the pond so I did, too and saw her deceased father and mother. Her father was in the water and looked vibrant and healthy. I knew he was dead and shouldn’t be there and was astonished at how real he looked and that his wife was with him. He spoke to his daughter and his voice was the same as I recalled.

Then I shifted back to the classroom. I was standing near the door and my husband walked in. When I saw him I told him who I had just seen. I said, “It was SO real!” and burst into tears. While I was crying I heard a male voice whisper, “You are real.” The phrase was repeated a couple of times as I continued to cry before I shifted to yet another scene.

I was escorted into a very nice house. It was massive, like a castle, and made of white stone. Inside, I walked down wooden stairs that led to a quaint but modern kitchen and living area. It didn’t match the outside at all and appeared like any other middle class dwelling. There were others with me but I don’t recall them nor did I seem to know them well in the dream. I was more curious about my surroundings, looking at various items and ignoring the conversation going on around me. 

I found my way outside into a small patio garden and began walking down the stone pathway. It was sunny and warm with a light breeze. To my left was a beautiful flowering vine-like bush with purple flowers all over it. I paused, looking closely at one of the flowers. It was tiny and had yellow and white inside. I leaned in and thought, “I know I’m dreaming but I don’t want to wake up. I like this.” As I leaned in to smell the flower I heard, “Be careful. It’s sharp.” In my mind I saw that the end of the flower was sharp, like razor blades. Imagining the pain of being cut, I pulled back. 

Dreams Within the Dream

I don’t know if I woke up or what happened but it was like a memory of another dream came to me while within this dream. I was walking outside talking to someone about the honey bees I had been tending to. We walked by one hive hanging from a branch. I pointed out the bees to the other person and then directed them to another hive. As we drew close, one of the bees came near me. It was fat and black, not like a honeybee, and I instantly knew something was not right. I swatted it away and it became aggressive. It landed on my thumb. I looked at it very closely, inspecting it and watching it’s behavior. I saw it’s stinger aimed to sting me but I moved my hand out from under it. I remember saying, “This isn’t good. They have to go.” I believe I also said they had become “killer bees”.

Then I was walking along a street. Someone was yelling at me to look behind me. I turned and saw a black bear following me. I talked to it like it was a dog and turned to it to tell it to leave. It wouldn’t so I kicked it in the nose but not hard enough to hurt it. It whimpered and stopped. It was pretty big but I wasn’t afraid of it. Instead, I looked at it a while, appreciating its beauty.

The scene shifted and I watched a family by the pool. Another bear was there but it was super fat and lounging like a person. Worried for the family, I watched intently. A man, the father, interacted with it, tossing balls at it. He ended up playing a game with the bear to see who could kick the ball farthest across the pool. Each time the bear lost, it took a piece of a bear suit off. The first pieces that came off were the sock feet. The “bear” ended up being the man’s wife. He won the game and they lounged by the pool using the huge bear coat as a blanket and snuggling under it.

One of Life’s Lessons

I know I woke at some point because I remember talking to a guide. I think the above dreams within a dream were a result of that conversation. this guide said, as if a reminder, “Self-Restraint”. This woke me up and I wondered, “Is that my lesson?” It felt correct. 

This realization was agonizing to me, though. Ugh! I hated it. Yet in my mind images and memories came all at once. Some from this lifetime, some from other lifetimes. The end result was confirmation that self-restraint was something I’ve been working on for a long time. I am learning that just because I might want to do or say something, doesn’t mean I should. Some of the memories involved incidents that were awful, such as killing another for food or just because “I felt like it”. 

I remember returning from a life when I killed someone in a rage of jealousy and was also killed (a long, long time ago). When I got Home I was told, “You can’t just kill everyone that doesn’t agree with you.” LOL I remember feeling bad after that lifetime (a short one). I didn’t think, I just acted and it cost me my life. I went into other lives after that, but continued to struggle with impulse control. 

In this lifetime I’ve always hoped for a short life. I have no desire to drag this experience out until old age. In the past, I’ve thought about this on occasion. My conclusion was that my other lives were not very long, probably only making it to middle age at the most. In my memories of other lives that has been the case. I don’t typically die of old age. When I have died of old age, “old” was 40yrs old, such as the lifetime when I was cursed with a club foot and lived a very miserable existence, dying when I was an “old man”. 

Perhaps this is part of why I am currently struggling with deciding what it is I want in my future. I’ve lost interest in life almost completely. At times I feel like at any moment I am going to literally break – lose my mind in such a way as to lose sense of who, when, where I am. I am easily stressed by simple life events, so when a bigger event is added I really struggle to maintain composure.

For example, my youngest had an ortho appointment. He didn’t handle the last one well. He gagged and cried and we had to reschedule. It caused him so much upset and anxiety and it was absolutely horrible for me to watch and not be able to do anything to help him. At this appointment I sat across from him focused another point in the room. I closed my eyes and sent love and reassurance to him. All the while praying it will go well and telling myself it will be okay. It was and he did well (thankfully), but by the end of the day I stood in my kitchen thinking, “I don’t know how long I can do this [pretend everything is okay]”. I felt like I was going to crack right then and there. But I didn’t.

Life feels heavy and I am tired. 

Message: You Need Stimulation

I went in and out of the in-between, which hasn’t happened in quite some time. In one instance I was laying down, my bare leg stretched out in front of me. I had a metal object in my hand. It looked like a small massage tool. It had a handle and at the end was a rectangular cylinder with little bumps all over it. I was rolling this object up and down my thigh. It felt relaxing and pleasurable, like a sensual massage. As I massaged my leg I heard, “You need stimulation.” Of course, I immediately came out of my reverie. 

My understanding of the message is that life is not stimulating to me. I require more stimulation. My boredom and lack of interest is in part due to not having that stimulation. The problem is I have no idea what would be stimulating to me! All my old interests have faded away. When I think of returning to something that use to interest me I am no longer interested. Even in my dream, when I had the opportunity to take control of the dream and turn it into an OBE, I was not interested. Why? Whenever I go OBE I have no interest in exploring or searching or anything. I am bored with it now.

I am warned in the dream that remaining asleep (“I don’t want to wake up”) could hurt (“Be careful, it’s sharp.”). I don’t seem to care but I do stay away from the flower. Perhaps that reaction is symbolic of why I avoid the things I use to enjoy? I’ve learned that, in life, those things that are desirable are the things that hurt the most. 

I’ve gotten other messages via dreams lately indicating that I need to live life while I still have life. The messages encourage taking more risks. Would that be stimulating enough? Probably. Do I want to take a risk? Not really. Perhaps I’ve learned the self-restraint lesson too well? 

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Kundalini Dream: Navigating Dama

For the first time in a while I had meaningful dreams with messages and even some clarity. 

The first dream of the night involved me talking to a man who was severely depressed and disinterested in life. I remember encouraging him to do something with the time he has here and being very upbeat and positive. I asked, “Isn’t there anything you want to do with the time you have left?” I don’t remember him replying to any of my questions. In fact, he seemed to not even know I was there.

I woke suddenly around midnight feeling very energetically weird. I thought it might be my heart but when I checked my pulse it was steady. The feeling was very much like what I sometimes get when I return from an OBE too abruptly. It is energetic and hard to describe. I was able to return to sleep easily at least.

Dream: Navigating Dama

I remember talking to a woman throughout this dream. I never saw her, though. 

The space I occupied in the dream was dark. My best description would be that I was in a focusing area. The first thing I recall is communicating with my husband from this space. I could see him as if from a long distance (telepathy). He got very upset with me for interrupting him because he was working on a burial shroud for his brother. When I looked through his eyes I could see him creating the shoulders for it that resembled fabric wet with plaster. The response from my husband was harsh. Do not bother me now!  This is similar to how he often reacts to me in waking life when I’ve interrupted him when he’s working. I remember hearing certain words at this time. One word repeated: Requiem (a mass for the dead or Latin for “rest”). I watched a while curious about what he was doing but also recovering from his backlash. It hurt to be treated that way.

Eventually I left him alone. I turned towards a holographic-looking computer/phone screen and began to type into it as I spoke with the woman I couldn’t see but could hear in my mind. I typed two words with an “and” in between but kept mistyping the last word. Thus, it is the last word I remember. The word was “Dama” but I kept thinking I was misspelling it and it needed an “e” on the end. In other words, “Dame”. The app I had open was Navigator.

The woman and I were talking about my husband’s reaction and what it represented. I felt a lingering sadness and disappointment because it was clear to me that he would never be what I needed. I need a partner who puts me first, who thinks of me as “his person”, or the one he confides in and goes to for all his deeper emotional and spiritual needs/support. My husband, on the other hand, places me alongside everyone else. I am just one of many, often put second, third or fourth behind his many obligations towards the others in his life. He confides in everyone, seeking advice, sharing often personal and highly emotional aspects of our relationship and, thus, inviting others (via their input and more) into our relationship. To me, a partnership/relationship/marriage is not something one shares openly with others. It is holy, sacred, divine and private. 

I began to cry in the dream as we discussed my disappointment and grief. My husband and I have had many conversations about how I feel but he does not feel similarly. He doesn’t believe in placing any one person over another but feels all should be equal because he loves and admires everyone similarly. He does believe that a romantic partner shares the most intimate moments, but beyond that I feel like just another name on his long list of contacts.

As the discussion continued and I experienced the emotion of my grief, I began to feel a stirring in my root chakra that was beyond ignoring. The more we talked, the more intense the sensation. I have not felt such pleasure in a long time and then only via the Kundalini while in dream or altered (meditative) states. 

At one point I was able to ignore the feeling but at another I said to the woman, “I can’t [ignore it anymore]” and focused upon it. The more I focused the more intense it got but it never moved beyond the root. Instead, it sizzled there, fiery and fierce, while we continued to talk. This was when I was typing “Dama” specifically, which only later did I discover was significant.

My emotion got very high to the point of tears when I said to her, “I don’t want to do this.” She said, “You have to.” “This” felt to be a process; moving through my current situation rather than ignoring it. The specifics of “moving through” were not presented but I felt major dread and despair at just the thought of what lies ahead. It felt like whatever is coming is scary and difficult.

Interpretation and Significance

I woke, my eyes still wet from crying, and the intense energy still lingering in my root chakra. It was/is odd to me that I would feel such ecstasy while discussing such an emotional topic, one that is the opposite of pleasant. My guide was still close and asked me to consider why because she knows I know the answer already. The root activation was the result of the movement of previously stuck energy. However, there was also a lesson in feeling the energy, a lesson in restraint. 

Dama

One of the six virtues of a spiritual seeker. To have Dama means to have perfect alignment between your mind and your senses; self-restraint. In the dream I was typing “Dama” into the Navigator app – Navigating Dama.

In past instances of strong, lower chakra activation, I have had trouble not overly focusing on the sensations that arise because of how intensely pleasurable they are. In the dream I was successful for a time. I felt the pleasure but it remained in the background as I focused on the conversation I was having. However, it became difficult to ignore and I gave into it. The reminder in the dream was the word “Dama” being repeated.

Requiem

Song of death, death, to lay to rest. In this case, I am watching my husband construct a shroud for his brother. To me this symbolizes putting to rest my karmic connection with him – “my brother”. I recognize this in the dream and grieve. Though the full extent of this dream realization did not return with me as I woke, there remains a deep, unsettled feeling of “unfinished business” that I know must be tended to. 

Root Chakra

The root chakra has to do with feeling grounded, safe, at home in your body, and connected to the Earth. One of the areas of the body that it is connected to is the spine. When not in balance or blocked one of the physical manifestations is sciatica along with feeling disconnected, depressed, negative and cynical. I have been experiencing all of the above. Thankfully, my sciatica is feeling better again with it only being a very minor problem that is more bothersome than anything.

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Dream Reminder: Master(y)

I’ve been struggling again with an all too familiar feeling. It is an emptiness, a feeling of nothingness and numbness towards life. Ahead all I see is black. I move through these periods as if swimming in muck. It is slow going. Heavy.

I Know it is just a part of my cycle and, maybe also, the world’s. I’ve asked for assistance and received little snippets here and there in dreamtime. One was to focus on the positive despite all the negative distractions around me. I habitually fall into pessimism so struggle to see the positive. It is always, “I see [enter something positive] BUT [enter long list of negatives]”.

Another was a reminder to focus on doing things I enjoy, which has become quite difficult because one of the main things I do is exercise. The sciatica I’ve been struggling with since August persists and rears its ugly head right around bedtime. Thankfully, it has decreased significantly in the past few weeks, to the point that some days/nights I do not even notice it despite there still being niggles of nerve pain here and there (mostly left, upper thigh). Exercise gives me such relief, helping to shut down my monkey mind and relieve built up energy I’ve collected from my Generator family members. I’ve not stopped exercising but have decreased it substantially. When I did try to increase intensity I was reminded very harshly by my body that it was not OK. A sharp pain in my lower back/sacrum put me in my place fast. 😦

Last night’s message, however, was the most revealing of them all.

Dream Reminder: Master(y)

My dream recall begins in my old bedroom at my childhood home. I was sitting in front of the computer. On the screen appeared one of my Light Code Oracle cards. When I saw it a thought entered my mind: “Master”. With the visual of the card came a recording of me speaking in Light Language. I listened but couldn’t hear a large part of it. So, I decided I would record a new version.

The new recording was in song, a beautiful and powerful Light Language song that filled me with Light energy. The more I sang, the more energy there was, and I was inspired to sing more and more, filling my entire energy body with Light. It was miraculous!

It was at this time that I began to hear noises from outside my room. I stopped singing to investigate and saw my son in front of the TV. I asked him to turn down the volume, which he did. I returned to the room and began singing only to be interrupted again, this time by my sister’s radio. Angry, I went to her room but she wasn’t there. I yelled in frustration that all I wanted was quiet. I yanked the radio plug out of the wall. Silence.

Interpretation

The location of the dream is significant, symbolizing the past and an ever-present influence it has upon the present. My son’s loud TV and his willingness to turn it down represents my children and the responsibilities I have towards them and my immediate family. I feel less irritated by these things and am able to balance them with my own personal needs and desires. However, the family drama brought about by my sister, symbolized by her ridiculously loud radio, that causes me to react with anger and frustration. Unlike my son, I am unable to control her and the circumstances that surround her and her life choices.

In general, I reject the noises around me (the mundane), preferring to immerse myself in my Light Language song.

Considerations

As soon as I woke this morning, I looked up the card: Mastery. The image in the dream didn’t match the card image but that doesn’t matter. What matters is the message.

I read the old post I’d written in 2017 after painting the symbol. The part that stood out to me the most was this:

The temptation to indulge in bitter despair may be a real hazard. Remember, from the metaphysician’s viewpoint, despair and inspiration are often considered to be a step apart. Discipline and vision are essential key words toward the overcoming of your problems.

Due to this merging of spiritual and mundane, being and doing, this card may experience a conflict between the two as they attempt to achieve balance in their life.

Probably the most challenging part of this life has been to find balance between the mundane and the spiritual. I seem always to be more involved in one more than the other. I prefer, of course, to be more involved in the spiritual. However, it is at times like these, when the mundane seems forced upon me, that I am the most prone to periods of “bitter” despair.

So the message is not one I like to hear but it is a good reminder, one I am grateful to have received. It was especially wonderful to remember just how powerful Light Language can be and how it was once an inspirational and powerful part of my life experience.

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A Spark

Another mediumship experience to share.

Target

I had to venture into Target again despite swearing I would stay away. Many of the big stores are going to pure self-checkout. They have few actual cashiers and I hate self-checkout. My favorite Target is now remodeled and no matter what time of day I visit there are way more people in there than I would like. It is just crowded now. 

I did my shopping singing a little song to myself to make myself feel better about all the sleep-walking people around me. When I got to the cashier line there were two cashiers to pick from (rare). I picked the lady I am familiar with. She always recognizes me and smiles, genuinely happy to see me. 

As usual we chatted as she checked me out. She’s older, maybe 70, and has similar views to my own about the city we live in and the changes going on around us. This time she told me she had been out a couple of days. When I asked why, she said she had been sick. Her son died on Labor Day and she has been struggling. She said she was the one who discovered his body. She went on to say she has been emptying his apartment in a rush to avoid paying another month’s rent and the landlord was nice enough to release them from paying for breaking the lease. She also relayed to me that she has his dog which offers her some comfort. Ultimately, her stomach was giving her problems so she had to take time off from work. I told her the body will force us to heal if we don’t listen to it. She agreed.

On my way out of the store I began to feel the emotion and by the time I was in the parking lot I was crying. Inside my car I sobbed. The woman was not showing any heightened emotion, so I doubt I was picking up on her emotion, but maybe. My immediate thought was that her son was close, maybe even following me out of the store.

I wanted to do something to help her, to show her I cared. I thought of taking her a card the next time I visited the store, maybe slipping a $100 bill inside. “Money can’t help her” was my immediate thought. No one should have to experience the loss of their child. 

Sometime in the night I awoke to use the restroom. My mind was still fuzzy with dreams. As I entered the bathroom I received a very vivid image of people standing in my periphery. The image was tunnel-like and back lit. There was one person at the front – a man who was somewhat short and round. There were two others behind him, only shadows in my memory now. I immediately knew he was the woman’s son. I acknowledged the man briefly, only partially conscious of the dialogue. The name “John” was relayed and as I returned to bed I worried I would not get to sleep because of his presence. As soon as I had the thought he retreated. Relieved, I thanked him and returned to sleep. 

All I am left with now are remnants of our conversation. His message was only that he was concerned about his mom and wanted her to know he was okay. The top message I received from Spirit is that they are not gone, just in another place – a much better place. I remember wondering how I could help. The woman didn’t ask me to connect. It was inappropriate to just tell her, “I’m a medium”. I could potentially write a note to her in the card that did not give away that I was directly communicating with her son. I remember that he told me about a song, one that was linked to him in life. I didn’t get details of the song. I was also reminded of how, when I first became aware of my gifts, I passed on messages all the time without anyone ever knowing I was directly communicating with Spirit. Perhaps I did already when I told the lady that I am sure her son is happy to know his dog is with her. Saying that made the woman smile. Perhaps it gave her a moment of relief? I hope so.

Mediumship

One of the most difficult parts of mediumship for me is the emotion. If the connection is strong I am usually overwhelmed to the point of tears. When giving a reading I don’t want to be a snotty, teary mess. I can’t speak and I need to in order to pass on the messages. I will get extremely hot as the emotion hits me. Sometimes I will actually feel how the person passed from this life – their physical body symptoms. Often I cannot control the violent shivers I experience from all the energy going through me. 

I don’t have to be giving a reading to have these “symptoms” of mediumship. In fact, I think most of the time I am picking up information even though I work very hard to block it. 

Lately I have been feeling extremely numb in general, so when the emotion hit me in the parking lot yesterday it was like night and day. When considering the memory of that experience I remember hearing that it is okay to feel and to be overwhelmed (cry uncontrollably). I know I have been conditioned not to cry – it means I’m “weak/vulnerable”. I also know from my K experiences that being open and vulnerable is a good thing.

As for why all this is happening now, I suppose it is inevitable. In fact, it might be the perfect storm for such gifts to resurface. 

A long time ago now I was wide-open and didn’t mind being that way. When an opportunity presented itself to pass on a message I took it. I learned some hard lessons, though. Most people are not open to receiving. Even now, with mediumship on T.V. and more people embracing it, there is resistance and skepticism. I think the biggest misconception is that a medium is able to get a crystal clear picture of their loved ones(s) and experiences them like a person in the physical world. That is not my experience and it is difficult, sometimes impossible, to get the names and other specifics requested. I’ve had people yell (and curse) at me and their loved ones in Spirit in frustration at not getting the answers they desire. Sigh.

For now it may only be that my gift of mediumship is serving to reconnect me with myself, that part of me that feels deeply and wants only to help ease the suffering of this world. My Light can spark the Light within others.  

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Dream Meeting with Charlie

Woke up from a dream in which I was talking to a guy. In the dream, I had returned Montana (again) for school. I was in a student lounge area. It was full of students milling about. The light was low with a yellowish hue and the area reminded me a of mixture of a bar and a waiting area. 

I sat at a small bar seating area that was located along a long wall. As I played with my phone I noticed a man approaching from my left. He lingered, looking at me intently. I knew he wanted to talk so I looked up and he sat down, smiling, as if I invited him. He was rugged looking, like a version of Clint Eastwood, his skin tanned brown with deep smile lines around his eyes and mouth. Now that I think about it, he looked similar to a man I met in an OBE – the Marlboro Man. Ha!

When he introduced himself his words sounded all jumbled. I said, “Hold on, let me take out my earplugs.” I pulled out my right one and said, “Okay. What’s your name again?” He told me again, his words thick with a foreign accent, and it was still hard to make out but somehow I came up with Javier. I repeated it back and he nodded and said, “My friends call me Charlie.” 

With his very obviously Spanish name, I asked him if he was from the south. He nodded. So, I told him how I came to be there in Montana. I said, “I’m from Texas visiting after being away for 5yrs. I really missed the mountains and love it here.” I dropped my earplug (not wanting to listen) and excused myself as I knelt down to retrieve it from underneath the legs of a nearby chair. As I peered at it from under the chair I had a momentary moment of lucidity and the earplug became very clear. I remember thinking it out of place because I only wear them when I sleep, but it did not wake me up from within the dream.

Somehow we ended up talking about Houston. I think that was where he was from but am not sure. He began talking about specific streets in the area asking if I knew them. I remember talking about this for a while but cannot recall the names of the streets. Something about him relaxed me, like he drew out a part of me that otherwise would have remained hidden.

As we talked the scene shifted and we were in a car driving on roads with patches of ice and slush. I only recall that we discussed the harsh weather of Montana and he mentioned how the increase in population and warmer winters has decreased the heavy snow and ice. I remember as we drove that it felt like we were flying very low to the ground. In front of us was a four wheel drive pick-up truck (hard work) with oversized tires. It slowed and pulled to the right. In front of it and us was a flooded (high emotion) portion of the road. I was not worried whatsoever, knowing the water was not deep, but the truck detoured around it. We drove through the puddle and I watched the truck driving on our right. It drove back onto the road on the other side of the puddle at the same moment we did. We had successfully navigated through it.

Then I was just talking to “Charlie” one-on-one without any visuals that I recall. I assume we were still flying together but IDK. What I recall most specifically is him asking why I think of everything in life as “work”. I didn’t disagree and said just existing on this planet and in this body requires work. Survival = work. I think of pretty much all aspects of life from eating to sleeping – even breathing – as work. Over time all of it has become exhausting to me. It seems like every moment of life is preparing for the next. Every minute of every day making sure this body continues on. And for what? More of the same. In contrast, being in Spirit is not work at all. Everything comes with such ease.

Charlie reminded me that it wasn’t long ago that I found pleasure in the simple things in life. A memory of me cleaning dishes and realizing that I enjoyed it played through my mind. He suggested I focus on finding that joy again. 

I woke up still thinking of our discussion. My mind wandered to the people around me, all keeping busy with things in life they found “fun”. Fun is an over-used word. To me, “fun” describes something like going on an amusement park ride. Fun = adrenaline or an energy spike. There is a peak and then it falls back down, usually ending in a contented exhaustion. Yet, the people I know all use the word “fun” to describe all sorts of things from going for a walk to shopping or getting their nails done. 

I have become extremely critical of anyone who has tried to persuade me to have “fun” with them. If you say, “Come on! It’ll be fun!” It is an instant turn-off and I will likely say no. If you say, “It will be a nice change of scenery” or “You might like it”, then I might consider it. Might. lol

Regardless, Charlie is asking me to think of life differently, to get back to finding enjoyment in the simple things. If only it were that easy. Usually, those moments are when I am alone, so I will start there.

Finally, why I told Charlie I was returning to Montana after five years, IDK. 2017 was seems so long ago. Maybe I made some kind of decision back then that led me to take a long break from my spiritual journey? Probably. 2015-2017 were some of the toughest years for me.

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Dream Message: It’s Too Late When We Die

More strange dreams.

Dream: Kiera 

I was in a dark basement room with my friend from high school. There was a tiny bit of light and she was standing in it. I said, “Stay there. I want to take your picture.” She looked up and I aimed my camera. A little boy who was drawn like a cartoon character stood beside her. I looked beyond the camera lens and he was gone. I aimed again and he returned. Again and again he kept photo bombing the shot. Eventually, though, I got the photo without him in it. I told my friend about it, shocked, describing what he looked like. I said, “I think he may have been your future child.” 

We went to bed and when I awoke I was alone. I noticed on the walls were pictures in sequence of a fundraising event from when my friend and I were in school. Kids of various ages each took turns sitting in a wooden chair in a field. Their friends were around them cheering and applauding.

Above the display were words describing why the photos were there. It said something about displaying creativity instead of keeping it hidden. Toward the bottom were photos with me. I was hiding in most of them with my younger sister trying to get me to participate. She was smiling and having a good time. In several of the last photos loads of cash was being thrown over my head. I didn’t look amused but I did pose for pictures. 

I decided to leave the basement and explore my surroundings. The next thing I recall is being in a hotel lobby. A man came up to reception saying he had way too much alcohol left and he was leaving that morning. He asked if he could give it away. They agreed and he brought bags full of alcohol to the table – unopened six-packs of beer, opened wine and liquor containers, etc. People came up to take the free alcohol. I drifted closer, curious, and the man asked me if I wanted some. I declined. 

There was one small, yellow bottle that didn’t look like alcohol. The name suggested it was an arousal tonic for men. I mentioned it to the man and he confirmed what it was for. I said, “Kinky. Sounds like you were having fun.” He said, “We were neighbors.” He motioned to the hotel and said something about shared space, specifically restrooms. That was when I realized I was not there alone and the hotel was being used as a convention space for a gathering.

In his words I also recognized a light-hearted invitation. He looked kind of like Sting (the older version) and I was not interested. I am sure I blushed, though, and told him no thank you.

The man then dumped wads of cash onto the table. There were several woman there who eagerly grabbed it up. I said, “I want some.” One woman looked at me as if I had just threatened to kill her. She pulled a stack of bills closer to her and said I couldn’t because I didn’t take any alcohol. I said, “I don’t want/need that,” motioning at the bottles, “but I do need the money.” The others at the table looked at her with intent, their eyes saying, “Don’t be so greedy.” The woman handed me a wad of bills. On the top was a $100 bill and on the other side a $10 bill. In between were stacks of $5’s. 

I walked away with my wad of money (success, prosperity), staring at it. Then I opened a door in the wall. Inside was a narrow staircase leading up. I followed it, momentarily worried someone might rob me but then realized I didn’t have that much money and didn’t care.

The stairs opened up into a large space filled with mattresses, blankets and various sleeping spots spread out on the floor. There was no space to walk so I had to walk over the beds. The feeling the room gave me was positive, filled with a sense of connection. It dawned on me that I must’ve been sleeping in this space with all the others. I would never do something like that because, 1. I don’t like being in crowded places with lots of people and 2. I can’t sleep even with one other person in the room with me. 

I looked for my sleeping space but didn’t see it. So I headed to a clearing seeking a place to sit. I found a small sitting space near a large picture window. A woman greeted me warmly by name, calling me “Kiera”, and came to sit with me (Kiera = wealth, prosperity). I remember thinking the name was not quite right but liking it. I could get use to the name. 

Before I sat down, though, another woman came up outstretching her hand toward me. She said, “Keira! I made something for you!” She called by a name I can’t recall but in her hands were two, knitted slippers. She said, “I also want to buy you lunch for a week to thank you for all you’ve done.” The outpouring of love and acceptance from her was so great I immediately burst into tears and hugged her tight. I remember thinking how nice it was to finally feel like I belonged. 

Considerations

I woke up still crying. The tears were tears of joy and relief at the belonging I felt. Never in my life have I felt so accepted and loved. My entire life I have felt out of place. People regard me with suspicion and keep their distance. They pretend to accept me but they never really do. They always keep me at arms length, just in case I turn out to be “dangerous” to them. Most don’t know they are doing it, it is just their automatic reaction to my odd aura and I know now that my Projector aura is to blame. It dives deep into their aura and takes every part of them in. That is uncomfortable and scary to anyone who is a Generator and probably Manifestors, too. 

When I woke I thought, “This must be how most other people feel their whole life.” This is when something occurred to me. I read somewhere that our purpose in life is directly linked to our greatest wound. It very likely that my purpose is linked to groups and being in/part of a group. Ugh! 

If I am meant to work with groups then I will most definitely have to come out of my hermit hole and confront my greatest discomfort – groups of people and the inevitable rejection that comes with them. The odds are stacked against me. Funny thing is, in my youth I sought out groups, trying desperately to be included. Over time it became clear that people didn’t want me around and after many failed attempts, I decided I don’t want or need any of them. The repeated rejection is just not worth it. This is the Not-Self bitterness of being a Projector.

Yet within me is a “natural” teacher, public speaker and performer. I feel the most successful when I do these things. 

Music Message

As I lingered in bed, trying to return to sleep, a message slowly emerged in my mind. The words, “Say it loud……” I tried to grab onto the words and eventually more emerged: “Say it clear…..” There was no melody, just words. They were very faint and it took all my attention to get all of them. Out of the haze of sleep came the melody: “Say it loud. Say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. It’s too late, when we die, to admit we don’t see eye to eye.” 

The song didn’t seem to go along with my dream at all. Instead it seemed to be an answer to a question I asked a couple of nights ago.

My sister (the one in jail), sent me a request to sign up to send and receive emails/texts. My mom told me that she gave my sister $10 to send emails and told me it costs 50 cents each time. My mom has been communicating with her this way. My guess is my mom gave her my phone number. I haven’t signed up, though. I just don’t want to be involved with her drama. My husband is urging me to do it. I asked my guides to help me decide. I think the song is suggesting I do it. 

If I think of the song’s message it is asking that I consider how I might feel if my sister passes from this world. I’ve always considered that death is not the end and that anything I may want to communicate I can regardless of whether the other person is living or dead. I think I’ve used this as an excuse to not communicate with my sister. She is not herself and when we talk I feel like she is not fully there. I get such an “off” feeling when we talk. I don’t like how it makes me feel. 

However, it is clear, for many reasons, that she will leave this world before I do. Whether sooner or later, it is hard to know. 

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Dream Message: Share Your Story

If it isn’t dreams where Spirit is visiting me to encourage me to do mediumship, it is a guide doing so. That is what happened last night/early this morning. Not sure what is going on!

Dream Message: Share Your Story

In the dream I was in a room with a tall, slender man who felt very professional energy-wise. He had an agenda and it was obvious. Though much of the dream is hazy now, our conversation is memorable enough to recall our discussion.

In the room there was a table and chair. I sat at the chair resting an elbow on the table. The man stayed standing and paced back and forth slowly while he spoke with me. It had the feel of a presentation or a sales pitch. 

While the man spoke with me there were visuals in my mind acting as a telepathic slideshow. I saw myself traveling through the U.S. and with this came the message: “share your story”. My reaction was to ask, “Why would I want to do that? No one wants to hear what I have to say.”

There were memories then of the time before I was married and started my family. This was a time of great excitement as I practiced my new-found abilities. He was asking me “Why not?”, suggesting I return to what once filled me with a sense of purpose and success. I recalled that time so long ago and, though it was an exciting time, the end result left me feeling exhausted mentally, spiritually and emotionally. 

My responses to his suggestions were: 1. there is little evidence my spiritual gifts still exist, 2. I have lost interest, 3. I was unsuccessful and could not/would not be able to make a living doing it, 4. I am no longer “special” in my experiences so why would anyone be interested in hearing “my story”?, 5. I am invisible but if I put myself out there and make myself visible that sets me up for judgement, criticism, rejection, and more. My final thought to him was, “I would rather be invisible than for others to notice me and then reject and/or mock me.”

He had a reply to all my points. 1. You do still have gifts. 2. Then get interested again. 3. You have the money and resources now and do not need the income, so what does it matter if you can make a living doing it? 4. You will always be special. 5. Nothing worthwhile ever comes without risk. 

He was not taking no for an answer and it felt similar to my recent dreams – pressured; energetically authoritative. The energy of our interaction ultimately woke me but the conversation did not end.

His kept pushing and I told him, “I don’t want to be awake. I was sleeping so nicely. I want to sleep forever. Why did you have to wake me up? I don’t want to talk/dream about this. I would rather dream about something else…flying, Kundalini…no, not the K, it will wake me up…something pleasurable, though.” 

Ultimately, I fell back to sleep but not after a bit more pushing from this masculine energy. He insists that I tell my story. Maybe I am misunderstanding what he means by “story”? I really don’t think my story will be interesting to the vast majority of people sleepwalking on this planet. The only thing of interest to me now is the Kundalini so why do my dreams indicate that I should reconsider mediumship? It just doesn’t make any sense. 

Dream Date

Ironically, when I returned to sleep I was given something “pleasurable” to distract me. In the dream I was preparing for a date with one of my husband’s Mexican friends. This man is middle aged, short and has a huge belly. He is also not very good at speaking English. The entire time I am getting ready – hair and make-up – I am thinking of this man and how very unattractive he is. 

A voice in my mind is trying to get me to consider the man in a different light. They want me to look past his outward appearance and look at his inner light. I do see it but the physical is just too unattractive and overshadows everything else.

When he arrives I am not quite ready and linger in the bathroom trying to find items my daughter has put in the wrong places. I remember noticing some acne lesions on my forehead suddenly appearing and working diligently to cover them up. I also remember my hair was still wet but the hair dryer is tangled in cords of other hair devices and I give up trying to dry my hair. Eventually, I decide I don’t want to go on the date. 

The scene shifts with my decision and I am in a bedroom. There is a large bed with a tent over the top. A couple is inside having sex but they are covered in blankets. I watch, intrigued, especially about the tent set-up. Something about watching them sparks the K slightly but just a warm energy and, of course, I wake up. Once awake, I realize that this guide gave me what I asked for (kind of) but our conversation is still on my mind as if to say, “Now, let’s continue.” My answer was/is, “No. Not interested.”

Even as I type this the message “share your story” is going through my mind. I just cannot fathom traveling the country sharing of myself in that way. It is so far outside my reality and comfort zone that it seems ludicrous. I mean, currently at least, I pretty much hate people and avoid them as much as possible. lol Beside, who would want to hear my story anyway? And what “story” is it that I should share? 

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Dream: Dark Spirit

In the middle of reading a book I heard, very clearly, “It will be over soon.” No connection remained after so there was no reply when I asked, “What will?”

My best guess is the message was referring to my sciatica pain, which despite feeling 80% better, returns in the evenings down the back of my left thigh. If not that, then who knows? There are many things that could end. Everything changes all the time. Endings are part of the cycle of life.

Not long after the message I read a paragraph in my book that caught my attention. It was a description of telepathy and how, once you’ve experienced it, the sound of words is almost painful as is the waiting patiently for the words to complete. 

From “Thrive” by Kenneth Oppel

The book is not one I would normally read. It is on the middle school reading list and my oldest son chose it to do his summer reading project. After reading the first book in the trilogy, he told me he wanted to read the other two. Intrigued because he usually hates reading, I decided to read the books, too. They are quite enjoyable and I feel no shame in reading a book written for youth. I’ve read many such books in my 13+ years of teaching – The Giver, the Twilight Trilogy, the Shadow and Bone Trilogy and The Hunger Games, etc. All great books, BTW.

My dreams continue to be memorable and varied. 

Dream: Dark Spirit

I was with someone walking along a residential street. We came upon a house that had a glass wall in the front yard perpendicular to the sidewalk. Beyond the wall was an empty pool with a slide angling down below the foundation of the house. 

We met the owner who said she was in the process of repairing the pool. I recall either going into the pool or watching someone do so. I followed the slide down into the house where it ended in the living area. The entire house had slides between rooms, most not water slides. This concept delighted me. How wonderful to slide your way from room to room.

Sitting in the living area with the woman and some others, the subject of mediumship was brought up. It felt like I was being asked to do a reading for the woman. So, I gave her the info of the woman in Spirit who was with her. I can’t recall the info now but it was very specific. The woman was pleased and indicated it was the individual she was seeking. 

From this point the dream gets energetically darker. The woman in Spirit began to act strangely and became quite forceful with her telepathic communication with me. It escalated quickly despite my asking Spirit to back down. The others in the room began to look fearful because they also noticed the shift. It became clear to me that this Spirit was not who she claimed.

I put protection around myself while ordering the Spirit to leave. This woke me up and I put protection around myself as I lay in bed, just in case. Mediumship has been coming up in my dreams quite a bit lately and one woman in Spirit had been quite persistent. 

No Good or Bad, Just Experience

It occurred to me that perhaps there had been Spirit interfering with my life, purposefully trying to shake the boat in whatever way they could. How many messages, dreams, and experiences have been the result of such encounters? And then I considered perhaps some in Spirit were actually assigned with the task of shaking things up, pranking those in human bodies to purposefully make this experience more challenging. It was/is very likely this is the case. 

Considering there is really no “good or bad”, just experience, and what I have been told in the past, it is very possible that our “guides” are being “naughty” in exactly the way we have requested. This life experience is just a theatrical performance; a game with assigned roles, setting, storyline and plot. I have been told on many occasions, especially when feeling overwhelmed by guilt for being “bad”, that helping others does not always mean playing the role of the “good guy”. It can also be doing something otherwise considered “bad” at the request of the other. These “bad” experiences help them learn and evolve and, in this way, we are helping them and fulfilling a “contract”. 

Rather than be upset that I have most likely been on the receiving end of many such pranks, I just sighed and returned to sleep. What can I do about it except smile and see the humor in it all? It does me no good to be overly serious.