Author Archives

by

Reminder: This is a Dream

Last night I had a lucid dream for the first time in ages.

In the dream I was in a house arranging furniture. I’ve been in this dream house before and recognize it now as I recall the dream. The house is in the country and seems to be my mom’s current house only different. The inside and outside are just slightly off. In other dreams I recall, I was similarly moving things around. 

Anyway, I was moving around furniture, specifically chairs and small tables. There were two sets of chairs. One pair were folding, wooden chairs and quite nice. They had a little wooden table with them. I remember commenting on how nice they were when someone brought them in. The other two were already in the space and I can’t recall them specifically except that they seemed to be just regular, old sitting chairs. 

I moved them around, trying to space them perfectly and cleaning up dust that had settled on the tables and around the floor of the chairs. I was cleaning and arranging and quite enjoying it. There was this tall cabinet, like a armoire, that needed moving and I had a woman push it slightly to the side to put up a hanging wall decoration made of rope.

Out of nowhere I realized I was dreaming. In an instant I turned away from my arranging and sought an exit. When I went to where the kitchen should be I encountered a solid wall. It wasn’t suppose to be there. I went to look for a door and found one. It was made of heavy, blue metal and I had to push it to the side to open it. I remember thinking, “These are prison doors.” 

On the other side of the door sitting in the kitchen were two older ladies. I said, “What is this? A prison?” I got no response. I turned to look back and saw the wall from the other side and thought, “Prison.”

I saw a back door, one of those screen ones with a window up top. A woman was standing by the door. It felt like she was a teacher and I was a student. I went directly for the door and rushed outside when she opened it. When I got outside I found myself in a courtyard garden. Without thinking I jumped up into the air and immediately began to fly. I had an explosive feeling, like I had been holding something in and could finally let it all out. I felt like what I imagine a child with ADHD feels like when they’ve been couped up in a classroom all day. For an instant I felt embarrassed but quickly let it go. 

I zipped up and around in the air like a balloon whose air is rushing out of it. When I landed I found myself floating over two women sunbathing. Still lucid I instantly wanted to be with one of the women. I sat on top of her, root to root, and looked at her. She began to talk to me, asking questions and answering them herself. I leaned down and kissed her. I woke from root chakra activity surprised by the lucid dream.

Reminder: This is a Dream

Fast forward to later in the day. I returned home from work and was laying on the floor just relaxing while listening to some calming music. I stared up at the ceiling imagining the future me staring up at that same ceiling. What will it be like? How will I feel? How will my life be different from now? I imagined my life changing course suddenly; unexpectedly. With that thought, I felt a distinct shift from within, as if someone said, “Remember, this is a dream.” It hit me all at once and it was like I was there but not there. Reality check. I felt a huge rush of relief and began to cry. I Knew this experience to be but a dream. OMG! I had forgotten I was dreaming. All at once I Remembered and it was such a relief. I didn’t zip around like in my dream as I let all the air out I had been holding in, but I did feel a sense of, “Soon”.

by

Kundalini Dream: Who Are You?

I hope you have all been well. 🙂 It’s been a while since I last posted so I figured it was time for a little check-in and update.

Daily Yoga

I’m proud to say that I’ve kept up my daily yoga practice. It will be six weeks come Monday. Yay! I’ve honestly never kept up a yoga practice this long, daily or otherwise. It has been a nice change with positive results. In general, I feel so much better physically – less stiff in the mornings, more relaxed, and less preoccupied and anxious. Setting a daily intention, which is always part of my yoga practice, has worked wonders for me emotionally and mentally. They are simple intentions like, “I AM ____” or “I want to create _____”. Usually I insert “love” into the blank. I try to keep it simple but every once in a while I’ll surprise myself. 😉

Previously, I wrote about some weird heart rate fluctuations and dizzy spells where my heart rate was going as low as 40bpm. I’ve not had anymore since then but my heart rate has remained consistently lower than average, especially when I sleep. Just to ease my mind, I bought myself a blood pressure cuff to rule out excessively low or high blood pressure because I’ve had experience with high BP in the past (pre-eclampsia). I’ve yet to have a reading that is considered high, BUT I’ve had some pretty low readings. So far nothing to be concerned about, though. Usually my BP averages about 117/73 but I frequently have readings of 100/60 with the top number sometimes dipping below 100.

I can’t say for sure the yoga is the cause of these blood pressure changes since I didn’t check my BP beforehand, but I suspect it is contributing to it. I am much more aware of my breath, taking breaks just to breathe and BE when I feel stressed or anxious. Since I have an Apple watch I see immediately the impact focused breathing has on my pulse. For example, my pulse will rise into the 90’s when driving sometimes but if I focus on my breath I can keep it in the 60’s-low 80’s.

So, I am going to maintain my daily yoga practice, intention setting, deep breathing and breathing breaks. It could be that I am just now tuning into and experiencing the true rhythm of my body.

Dreams and Experiences

Sadly, my dream explorations and recall have been almost zero. I am sleeping deeper and more soundly, though, which is good. No complaints there!

There are some dream themes that seep through, however. I’ve had two distinct dream experiences since May where I was being instructed on how to activate my energy centers, specifically my root and second chakras. There is no specific memory of the instructions, just an overall sense of being instructed. In both instances I awoke both pleased at my success and shocked by the nature of the dream. I can remember being outside of my physical body manipulating it but also feeling the results of that manipulation. It was as if I was in both places at once with a third party observing and giving pointers. After the last “lesson” I woke up and realized I was being shown the capabilities of the physical body and was in awe at just how little I knew about it.

Another dream theme is of being counseled; talking through life issues with a confidant. Often I don’t recognize the other person but feel very connected to them in the dream. In one instance I was with a coworker who I’ve had many dreams with in the past (I refer to him as “K”). There are always messages that come through in the dreams, which is probably why I remember them when I wake. Some recent messages have been: “Make space” and “Talk it out”.

Messages about “space” have been repeating since last summer when I went to Costa Rica (back then it was “I need space”). After receiving the message “make space” on June 27th, I remembered my Human Design incarnation cross is all about space.

The Left Angle Cross of Refinement (33/19 | 2/1)

You bring the energy of having your own living space and nice things within it. Part of the driving force is about privacy and having your own space, not just for you but for the belief that it is everyone’s right to have such a thing. In addition to the shelter a home provides, you desire some beauty within it to add to your life. You are here to ensure all of us have the right to our own private and inspiring space. ~from the Definitive Book of Human Design.

One thing about incarnation crosses is that there is no one way of interpreting them. “Space” is the key word here. It is assumed initially that it means a physical space because it says “living space”, and “shelter”. And that could very well be but the idea of ensuring everyone has their own living space makes me think of interior designer. Ha! However, I am reminded of my environment in HD – Markets Internal. I invite people into my space. So my space is very important, both physical space and energetic. 

But then perhaps I am an “interior designer” but in so much more than the accepted definition. Interior= my inner world and self. My favorite place to go is within. The worlds that await me there are so much more fulfilling than any physical place could ever be. And my outer world will reflect my inner world. So all I need to do is create my inner world and the outer one will fall into place.

Kundalini Dream: Who Are You?

I saved the best for last but I won’t be telling it in full (sorry). I’m only putting it here since it was one of those “OMG” Kundalini dreams.

The day before the dream was an odd one with some hints I should’ve noticed, and some I did. One I noticed was the yin/yang symbol drawn on my Hyundai’s back window. Seeing it actually made me cry! I later learned my husband put it there. Huh? Not like him at all! Another was a post about the “Hermaphrodite” that caught my eye that morning. It was just so…unusual, so I had to post a reply, something I rarely do these days. Lastly, right before bed, I saw 1111 flash in my mind’s eye, bright white letters on a black background. I never see 1111 anymore so it was a surprise. Just FYI, I saw it again last night, so two night’s in a row now. All three signs point to the merging of the masculine and feminine.

The beginning of the dream is pretty much a blur in my memory. I was not lucid and the dream was nothing extraordinary.

I become lucid when a man takes my hand. Immediately I am struck by a familiar feeling. It is magnetic and irresistible. I don’t recognize the man but I don’t care. I go with him. He pulls me close, all the while the energy is rising like warm water from my root upward. The way it spreads is like liquid, tendrils moving upward through energetic channels I didn’t know were there. I can feel every one of them. They are like the roots of a tree….inside me! When the liquid ecstasy hits my heart I am blown away. I AM love. It feels like my heart is gone, replaced by a funnel that is pulling in the love of the Universe. It goes through me and up and around and back through (like the infinity symbol), a never-ending loop of love. I tell him, this stranger, “I love you!”

I lean in and kiss him right above his collar bone. I can hear his thoughts and feel what he feels. He is blown away by what is happening. He begins to lay me down and the energy intensifies. The warm, liquid bliss is flushing upward with ferocity but it is also extremely gentle. I’ve never felt anything like it. And though I want nothing more than to let it take me away, to drown in the bliss, I awaken.

I sit upright in bed immediately, shocked. My heart is still open, a fountain of love. I can hear the man’s thoughts in my mind. He is asking, “Who are you?” My own thoughts echo his. I wonder briefly, “Who’s thoughts are these? Mine? His?” I let that pass, realizing it makes no difference. My tears concern him. “Why are you crying?” I answer him with, “I never thought I would feel this again.” He asks, “You’ve felt this before?” I can sense his amazement. I answer, “Yes, but not quite like this”. I am still overcome with bliss and love but it is faltering now. My heart is racing in my chest. My tears continue to seep out of me as if I am leaking. I can’t seem to stop them. It is just so beautiful! 

My heart doesn’t stop pounding and I eventually have to get out of bed. It feels like a mini panic attack so I go outside, hoping the night air will settle me. It takes a while and some deep, focused breathing, but my heart finally settles and, amazingly, I return to sleep.

I am both elated and anxious from the experience. Mostly, I don’t understand why I heard another’s thoughts, felt another’s feelings, experienced a merge such as this with a total stranger. Completely caught off-guard, I went into fight or flight but had nowhere to run. This isn’t something you can run from. It’s the Kundalini and she gets what she wants. Every time.

by

A Bad Energy Experience

Here is an experience that illustrates just how important it is that Projectors be selective of whose energy they come into contact with. This is also relevant to any Hermits out there because, similar to Projectors, Hermits can be negatively impacted by spending too much time with the wrong people.

Yesterday my husband and I took a trip to Dallas. The drive went well. We had good conversations and the three hour drive passed quickly. We stopped and had fajitas at a restaurant and by around 8pm arrived at our B&B.

My first impression of the B&B was that it looked nice from the outside. When the hostess greeted us she immediately wanted a hug and her energy seemed desperate for companionship. Her husband was quiet and his energy more stable. The man was 70 and the woman was in her 60s.

When we went inside I was hit by an unpleasant smell. It smelled like old things and old people. The house was full of antiques the host had picked up all over the place. He had done research in order to get a historical marker placed in the front yard and was very proud of his accomplishments. I admit, it was impressive. The house had working lightbulbs from the 1920’s that never burned out, documents and photos of the family who had owned the house, working televisions from 1948 and 1956, old radios, furniture, etc. He was also the curator to the museum in town that had more items and history from the historical family who had previously owned the house.

The wife gave us a tour of the house and our room. It was a small house with three bedrooms and two baths. She bragged that everything was original. The same old lightbulbs were throughout the house (they don’t make much light) as were plumbing fixtures I’d never seen. All the furniture was antique. She also went into depth about their own personal story. She had lots to talk about but really liked to toot her own horn (overly so).

When we finally got to our bedroom I was exhausted. The woman’s energy was difficult to take and I needed to release it. I went outside with my husband to wind down hoping to get some alone time. Within less than 3 minutes the woman was outside and wouldn’t leave, chatting away. Her energy made me anxious. Huge pangs of anxiety hit me in waves and I became nauseous. I was able to get away, saying we were tired from our long drive, but she followed us closely to our room, talking excessively the entire way.

Once in bed trying to sleep I was too awake and stared at the ceiling. I felt a presence to my left and in my mind’s eye saw a woman in a white gown looming over me. She felt somewhat like a guardian but not of me, of the room and maybe even the whole house. She may have been the woman who lived there until her death in the 90’s, the last of five siblings who was linked to the history of the house. I told her to go away, but she didn’t leave. She didn’t feel threatening and kept silent but with all the excess energy I was processing I didn’t want her there next to me.

By midnight my husband had left the room because he knew I was struggling to sleep. He thought it was him but I knew it wasn’t. I kept having waves of anxiety hit me in the chest. They weren’t intense but enough to keep my heart rate elevated in the 80s instead of the 60s where they normally are when I am laying down to sleep. 

I have had this kind of insomnia enough to not struggle against it but accept that sleep will eventually come. It did around 2am and only because I had to lay on my stomach to ease the waves of anxiety. Something about laying on my stomach, guarding my chest, helps calm me.

I woke again at 3 and then had a good stretch of sleep until 6:30 when my husband came in to drop off the blankets and get his running gear for a morning run by a nearby lake. I was out of bed just before 8am after getting 1 hour of additional sleep. 

Zombie-like, I got dressed and stepped outside to get some time in nature. They had lots of chickens and it was a pretty place with good energy (outside). My husband brought me coffee and the host of the house came outside with him. My husband went to take a shower and the host said, “I will join you.” I cringed but said nothing. I had hoped for time alone but what could I do? Be rude?

The host’s energy was more bearable and he wanted to talk about conspiracy theories and Covid (ugh). His wife was from the Ukraine so he talked about how he got her to the US 23yrs ago and also how things were today over there. It was not hard to listen or talk with him. I didn’t feel overwhelmed by his energy. He felt very neutral compared to his wife.

Breakfast was crepes, eggs and tons of fruit. The hostess was very proud of her cooking ability and had bragged about it previously. When she served us she didn’t eat and hovered over the table talking about how wonderful her cooking was. Her energy was unbearable again and I felt nauseous again. My head began to hurt and I thought I would throw up. I had to excuse myself early.

We had an appointment at 10am of which I was very grateful. When we left I tried to sneak out the back but the host and hostess sought me out to bid me farewell. The woman hugged me twice and told me she loved me. I practically ran to the car.

On the drive to our destination I was still feeling unsettled. It wasn’t until I was able to talk about how I was feeling that I felt better. By the time we left, though, I was overly hungry and dehydrated. Once I had a meal I felt somewhat better but wasn’t 100%. Throughout our trip I tried to clear myself of her energy without much success. It was only when I got out in nature that I felt better. This is when I noticed many bumblebees flying about. I took photos and thanked them for their visit.

The most common message of the bumblebee is the achievement of one’s goals through diligent work. When bumblebee visits he reminds you to persevere and have courage on the road ahead.

When I was home and in my own bed I worked on clearing the woman’s energy. It still took me until 11pm to get to sleep, though, despite my excessing tiredness. Thankfully today I do not feel her energy anymore. 

Reflection

When my husband booked the B&B I didn’t like the look or feel of it via the website. When I saw the picture of the hostess I told my husband, “I don’t want to stay there”, but let him book it anyway since he seemed to really want a B&B experience. I shouldn’t have because my intuition was warning me that it wasn’t a place that would be good for me.

I suspect there was a combination of things going on. There was Spirit energy not only from the previous owner but also energy from all the antiques. No telling what all was there! And then the hostess’ energy was unbearable to the point it made me ill. 

My husband liked the B&B and though he noticed the woman’s energy was not bothered by it. He felt she was just overly needy of attention, lonely and desiring acknowledgment of her accomplishments. He also sensed the marriage was not going well based upon the woman’s treatment of her husband. I didn’t notice because I was trying to protect myself from her energy.

The woman was also psychic, though she wouldn’t acknowledge it. She called it “psychology” saying she had learned to read people’s eyes and body language after many years of working with people. She did a mini reading on us not long after we arrived. Mostly she just picked up on my teaching but she got a lot right about my husband (his work and family business mostly). 

To give you an idea of how bad this experience was for me (beyond what I’ve already said) – When I was trying to sleep I had an impulse to get in the car and drive home in the middle of the night. I hate driving at night and wouldn’t dare attempt a 3+ hour drive at night when exhausted. That was how bad the energy of the place felt to me. I will never go back!

So, to anyone who is a sensitive person like myself, stay clear of this place. It is called “Alla’s Historical Bed and Breakfast”.

by

Time for a Little Change


I’ve been working on changing things up. As the featured image says, you can’t get different results by doing the same thing over and over. So I figured changing up my routine might work. I have to find new things to do, things outside what is my norm. Mix life up a bit. I will have to figure it out on my own, too, because it is clear my guidance isn’t going to help. 

Daily Yoga

For the past three weeks I’ve practiced yoga daily for 20-35 minutes. I decided to change up my routine for various reasons but mostly because I have been feeling rushed, stressed and overly emotional. There are moments in life when something’s gotta give and this was one of them.

During the first week I dropped my normal exercise routine completely. I’d already whittled it down to three days a week for 45 minutes without experiencing any relief. I also started going on daily 1-2 mile walks beyond just my normal dog walking.

That first week I was so tight and sore! OMG! My entire body hurt. I had muscles hurting I didn’t know I had. And as someone who weight trains that was a big surprise. Ha! I remember thinking, “Isn’t yoga suppose to make me less tight and sore?”.

The second week the soreness began to fade along with the tightness. I continued to go on daily long walks and added in two days of bodyweight circuit training (10-20 minutes total). This was mainly to keep good heart health by getting my heart rate in the aerobic range, which yoga doesn’t do.

Last week, the third week, I added light weights to my circuits (heart health again) and increased the number of workouts to three days a week while continuing my daily yoga practice.

I intend to keep up the daily yoga. It fits perfectly into my schedule. I take my dog for his morning walk and then do my yoga. The rushed, overly stressed/emotional me has disappeared. Instead I feel more balanced and calm. I find myself enjoying the little moments and my body feels good!

Three weeks of yoga =
Better sleep
Calmer
Less anxious
Less tense (in mind and body)

Energetic Shift or Something Else?

This last week there have been other changes, too. IDK for sure if it due to yoga or something else. I heard there was a solar storm, so maybe that’s part of it? Whatever the cause, I’ve been having some odd physical issues.

My resting heart rate, which is usually pretty low due to my physical fitness, is getting super low at times. Typically it will dip into the high 50’s when I sleep. No biggie, but last week it was as low as 40 during sleep and started happening during the day! Along with the low heart rate I have been having dizzy spells that come on suddenly. For example, one time I was doing the dishes and felt like I was going to fall into the sink. I had to brace myself momentarily and wait for the feeling to pass (which it did and fast). I also felt fuzzy in my head, like being high. Similarly, one morning after yoga (two days ago now), I was hit with the same odd “high” feeling and then my legs felt unsteady under me, like they weren’t my legs at all. I had to sit down immediately and wait for it to pass. I checked my heart rate – 40bpm. That entire day I felt “off”.

Today I’ve not had a low heart rate but the weird “high” feeling has been with me all day. It is only recently that it disappeared and that was only after I did over an hour of energizing breathwork (think Breath of Fire). Honestly, I didn’t expect to feel so amazing after the breathwork. The fog lifted, my energy stabilized and I feel better.

I’ve also been feeling really groggy when I wake up and my dreams have been unique, to say the least. I experienced the Kundalini in a new way – again. The K never disappoints, that’s for sure! Ha! I may post the dream experience at some point, but I think for now I will just say that the energy of the Kundalini seems to be balancing out and syncing with my physical body’s energy. If that even makes sense. As usual, it was pure awesomeness. I am completely amazed and blown away.

Is it the daily yoga or something else? IDK but I’m going to continue the yoga regardless. If it makes the K crazy then I’ll just tone it down and do Hatha yoga or something.

Exploring Options

I’ve been looking at ways to get myself “out there” (as in around people) again. The breathwork I mentioned above is part of that effort. I returned to Meetup after over a decade to scroll through the various groups in my area looking for one (or two) that I might want to join. I wasn’t looking for anything specifically, really, just checking out the local groups and getting use to using the app.

I stumbled upon a local breathwork group and felt an inner “YES” that pulled me to explore it further. I ended up finding past Zoom recordings and listened to one on a whim, hoping, if anything, it would help the weird zombie feeling I’ve had all day. It was energizing breathwork and it did not disappoint! They meet via Zoom every Sunday but I will probably just use the recordings until there is a Sunday when my house environment is better suited. Kids at home = noise and distraction. Not very good for pranayama (breathwork) and meditation. If they had an in-person meet-up I’d be there for sure, but they don’t.

There are other groups I’m considering but none of them has called to me like the “Breathe” group.

What is interesting to me is that it is Meetup that helped me connect to a Shamanic Healing group years ago when I had just stumbled into my spiritual awakening. I learned so much and met some wonderful people, people I still keep in touch with at times. Who knows, maybe something similar could happen again? And you know what is strange? I’m not against that happening. In fact, I hope it does.

by

Lessons Learned

Things I have learned since my awakening (that stand out to me):

Heart Connections (Twin Flame) are real but they are very misunderstood. There is no guide, book or even illustration that can explain a connection like this. Everyone’s experience is unique. The key to surviving one and moving past it is this: The connection with the other person is an illusion. The real connection is to yourself. If you fall into the trap of attachment to the other person, you will suffer greatly. 

Awakening the Kundalini is not fun. Seeking to awaken it (prematurely, forcing it) will only create more obstacles and potential mental and emotional illness/pain (think along the lines of Kundalini “syndrome”). It is not for the faint of heart. The Kundalini accelerates everything and forces confrontation of that which is deeply hidden and avoided. It strips away the illusion.

ET’s are real. They are telepathic Beings. Telepathy is more than just hearing a voice in your head that isn’t your own. It is the transmission and reception of the entirety of an experience to the extent that each individual experiences what is communicated as if living/experiencing it themselves. As humans, we are unable to even conceive of the magnitude of this as of yet. The compartmentalization of the human mind creates an obstacle to pure telepathy which must be circumvented. Therefore, ET’s tend to use the dreamstate to approach and communicate with humans. The Experiencer returns from the experience unable to relay what happened accurately because humans do not have the right “tools” to do so. In their attempt to communicate their experience they only have human language and limited human experience as their tools. Much is lost in the translation.

Most, if not all, of the information available via the spiritual/metaphysical community is inaccurate, incomplete and/or altered. Why? Re-read the above paragraph. Those who rely on anything but themselves, their intuition and inner Knowing, are perpetuating the misinformation. If you are following someone who has achieved some kind of “higher” status in the metaphysical and spiritual community, beware. The ONLY one you can trust is yourself. Anyone selling that their way/method/technique/information is the best/only/highest should be avoided. This doesn’t mean ignore all the information out there. It means use your inner Knowing to sift through everything you come across in your search. Take what resonates and toss the rest. If you doubt your ability to do this, step back and observe until you are able to recognize your own Knowing. 

The only true path ahead is your own.

by

HD Projector Voice Recording Results

I used a voice recorder to see if it would give me clarity. I talked aloud for nearly 10 minutes and, at first, didn’t feel it helped. However, everything in the post below came after. It was as if talking aloud cleared the debris that was hanging around and muddling things up. So, in that way, it did bring about clarity, just not as I had expected!

From an HD group I’m in:

“…..here’s my current perspective on why Projectors can be mistakenly diagnosed as bipolar [or other mental illness]:

1) Focused & absorbing aura (sensitive to the Other), leads to heightened open center conditioning.
2) Open sacral amplifies Generator energy (70% of population), causing cycles of mania & exhaustion.
3) Not knowing when enough is enough (Open Sacral Not-Self) expresses itself as addiction.
4) Mechanical reliance on being invited (and uninvited) to relationships and circumstances means we can’t correctly initiate our way out of a difficult situation.
5) Bitterness and resentment builds up like layers of oil in a dirty engine, until we finally break down on the side of the road, doomed to a life of jump starts and tow trucks.”

In the last week, I’ve been repeatedly running into the part in bold about Projectors. Firstly, I’m not seeking out this information consciously. In my boredom, I’m looking through my FB groups for things that catch my eye and have now found this particular tidbit of info three time in two days. The time between seeing the info is enough that I forget about it only to rediscover it in a new moment. 

This tiny nugget – or seed – of info has been repeating. Each time it resurfaces it feels to have grown a little more.  

I’m left with questions. If we (Projectors) can’t correctly initiate our way out of a difficult situation, then how then do we break free? Are we reliant on another invitation to free us? What can we do if we can’t initiate our way out? 

My guess is the answer is: Strategy and Authority. 

It doesn’t feel like strategy (wait for the invitation) is part of this decision as much as Authority here. My HS will let me know. She has in the past. It isn’t always obvious, though, and easy to overlook or doubt. My mind gets in the way, that is for sure. There are always a list of very logical reasons not to take action.

The poster of the above quote also does videos. In one he gives an analogy that feels correct to me. He says that a Projector gets stuck in situations (work, relationships) because we go so deeply into the “mud” of the Other that when we come away from it we can’t get it off. We can take a shower and scrub ourselves raw and it still lingers on us. 

I was immediately reminded of how last night I couldn’t sleep after visiting my mom because I kept thinking about her current problems. I thought of what I said to her and how I tried to counsel her and her husband. It was hours before I could finally settle and sleep. THIS is the mud he’s talking about. My guidance would say, “It doesn’t matter.” And I finally accepted that it isn’t MY stuff and let it go. I don’t want nor need to take on and/or solve her problems.

The FB Projector group also answered a question: Why do Projectors need an invitation? To protect us. To keep us from the energetic backlash and resulting “harm” it causes (self-doubt, conditioning, negative self-talk, etc). 

This also brings me to my interaction with my mom and strep-dad yesterday. I tried the counseling method of saying back to them what I was hearing – summarizing. I also pointed out what I was seeing without being overly blunt about it and communicated with short, simple statements. I listened more and said less. I didn’t give them more than they could handle (I tend to say too much, Generators can only digest small amounts of truth – remember, it’s hard to confront what you don’t want to know/see). The statements I made put their feelings first.

My mom got emotional and I let her cry and be upset. When she said she needed to be on anti-depressants because of her emotionality I told her that it is normal to be emotional and okay to feel. She needs to hear that her emotion is OK (she is an emotional MG after all!). Because of how I handled it, I was able to come away form the conversation without feeling bitter or rejected. At one point I sensed they were tiring of a particular topic.  My mom was avoidant in order to not hurt her husband’s feelings and to not be emotional. So, I changed the topic to something they could both handle. I know my mom preferred to be one-on-one with me but when we were alone I didn’t push the uncomfortable topics with her. 

So, even though I received an invitation from both of them, I was able to gauge it correctly so as to not end up with a withdrawal of that invitation.

It is easier when I can distance myself from the situation, remain detached and take things less personally. I tend to take my mom’s “side”, take on her perspective, her emotion, her – everything. If I can be objective it is much easier. I allow myself to feel through all of it without taking ownership of it (consciously or unconsciously). It is very much easier if I remain objective. The statement, “It doesn’t matter” is true because if I remind myself of this then I remain objective and can better navigate the situation. 

This is the solution to my life situation, too. I need to look at everything and distinguish between what is mine and what isn’t. Release ownership for that which isn’t mine; those things don’t matter. Yet at the same time I need to be compassionate to the problems of the Other. It is a “sticky” situation and so necessitates that I be selective, pulling the sticky stuff off little by little so as to not overwhelm the Other which in turn will overwhelm me. 

The most difficult part of remaining objective, for me, is that my children are so much a part of me and my definition of Self. This isn’t an issue with my relationship, really, as I feel very much separate from my husband and able to hold my own in many ways. I’ve been working on maintaining firm boundaries with him for a long time and feel like I’m doing really well. Yet my children feel part of me and so to distance myself from their wants/needs is difficult. 

I think what is most odd for me is that, when I am able to disconnect from all the entanglement with the Other, I am left with very little. I am really so….simple. So simple, so “boring” that I immediately reject it and replace it with what I have been conditioned to believe is ideal. But the scene I pursue is not mine. It is a scene of constant movement and doingness – having a job, money, friends, projects. But my simple – True – Self says I need none of that to be happy. Sure I may need some to survive but aspiring for more than I need is not necessary. Having more is icing on the cake. 

In Costa Rica I was face to face with the simplicity of myself and it made me very uncomfortable. For as long as I can remember I’ve been in near constant motion. Doing and doing until the day is gone. I don’t get tired, not physically, unless I really exert myself. The tiredness that other Projectors speak of, for me, isn’t physical, it’s mental and/or energetic. I lose the ability to tolerate life – people, motion, activity, etc. So it is clear that I’ve been conditioned to accept more doingness than is natural for me. 

Since I live and work in places filled with Generators, the motion I find myself in is an attempt to release all the energy I acquire from those Generators. As long as I live in this house with my Generator family I will have this extra energy. If I don’t move my body to release the energy I feel agitated, grumpy, and cannot tolerate very much. Life feels heavy and burdensome when this pattern goes on for too long. Thus, I find myself seeking a reprieve via a vacation or just extended alone time. 

I am reminded of advice I wanted to give my mom yesterday, but didn’t (because she didn’t ask). The advice was to take one thing and focus on that rather than be overwhelmed by the seemingly endless list of things that need to be done. For her, I wanted to ask her to pick the thing she felt was most important or that needed priority over the others. So, for myself, if I do that, the priority SHOULD be me, but what I tend to do is prioritize Others – my children specifically and then my husband after them.

So, my focus before anything else should be to prioritize myself. Listen to myself, learn to love being the simple version I seem to want to run away from. Stop putting conditions on myself. There is no need to do anything except what feels right in the moment.

Flow. 

by

HD Self-Projected Projector: Speak Your Truth

I consistently hear that Self-Projected Projectors (SPPs) need to use their voice (speak out loud) to find clarity. I’d always thought that my journal writing and blogging was as good as using my actual voice but am beginning to second guess this. The more I read the experiences of other SPP’s, the more I’m reminded of times when I did use my voice and how it made me feel when I used it.

This morning I read a comment in an SPP group. The person suggested to the original poster that they should have someone not only available to listen but also to ask questions. The questions are perhaps the most important since it is through questions that deeper clarity is gained.

When I read this comment I was transported to memories of times when I had an interested audience who asked questions for clarification. In all instances, whether spiritual or otherwise, when I spoke it was a surprise to me what came out. It was so wise and Knowing! My closest friends knew this about me and would frequently ask me questions to pull the knowledge out. Every time this occurred I would feel wonderful and….successful.

I thoroughly enjoyed it for a while, until the information no longer flowed. Why was that? Perhaps it is because I have no one to listen or ask questions anymore? Even my blog has seemingly gone flat with fewer views, likes and comments. Without that interaction the inspiration doesn’t flow and neither does the information and Knowing.

The few times someone has been available to listen, I’ve become so emotional that I struggle to speak. My throat closes up and this pressure feels to build until it is almost unbearable. The emotion has to be released. Without an outlet the emotion becomes stuck, blocked and stagnant.

The people in the SPP group have various methods of using their voice, mostly apps for voice recordings and journaling. These methods have never appealed to me. Why is that? It doesn’t feel safe to me. I think it is because I am surrounded by my family most all the time but also because, growing up, I was judged and criticized for using my voice to speak my truth. The more acceptable method was singing but, again, only sometimes.

I’ve tried creating videos but these don’t appeal to me either. I’m too critical of how I look. I judge my appearance harshly and feel that others will immediately judge me for how I speak, look or act as well as for what I share. Watching myself on video makes me cringe. Hearing myself isn’t much better.

It is when I speak with another in-person that I feel most comfortable. Groups of people are also comfortable, but only if they all show an interest in what I have to say. In other words, only if there is an invitation given.

If I think back on those moments when my spiritual experiences and Kundalini were at the most amazing and awe-inspiring, it was because someone was there to listen, someone who wanted to hear what I had to say, who was interested in me and my truth, and who encouraged me to share by asking questions. Without them I wonder if I would’ve had any breakthroughs at all? Maybe but not nearly as many.

So how do I proceed from here? How do I put myself in a situation where there are others willing to listen without judgement and who eagerly ask the right questions?

Perhaps I will try to out the apps mentioned in the group just to see if it works. Right now I know that what I have been doing is no longer working. I’m blocked emotionally and tired of feeling numb. The emotion is there, I know it is, but without someone to ask the right questions, will recording myself work?

As I wrote that last question I heard from within the quiet Voice that has always been there and Knew instantly that the questions are available if I listen for them. In fact, throughout this lifetime that Voice has asked me questions, nudging me forward, taking me deeper, pushing me into action when the time was right.

Still, though, I think the time has come for me to start slowly emerging from my hermitage. Alone is great until it isn’t. The problem is, I don’t.want.to (picture stubborn child hiding in the corner). Someone will have to lure me out of hiding with something irresistible. Until then, I guess I will try talking out loud to myself and see if it helps. Hopefully no one overhears me (gawd). lol

by

Dream: Time to Refuel

Life continues to keep me busier than usual. Spring typically brings lots of “new” and it is in full swing here in Texas. My daughter just had her 14th birthday yesterday (yay!) – the same day as the full moon eclipse! This week is full of preparations for the end of the school year which is just eight school days away and hopefully very soon I will be in the office training a new AP Manager (yippie!) to take over the majority of my duties. Next week my husband is leaving for a nine day motorcycle road trip with his brother which coincides with the last week of school – class parties, 5th and 8th grade graduation (I have both this year) and a choir concert to boot. No rest for the weary, I guess!

In all my busyness I don’t get much time to just be. It is obvious that I need stop and b.r.e.a.t.h.e. Even my dreams say so!

Dream: Time to Refuel

I was at mom’s house. My brother was there but he looked young, around 12yrs. We were going out to eat, to breakfast I think since that was the kind of food I saw in my mind. We headed to my car, climbed in and left for town.

On the way my mom pointed to the car’s gauges and said, “Looks like you’ll need to stop and get gas”. I looked at the fuel gauge and at first thought it showed full but upon closer inspection saw it was indeed at empty. For some reason “empty” was interpreted as “completely full” in my mind. I told her that it shouldn’t need gas based upon when I last filled it. I also said, “I haven’t driven it much. Someone must’ve siphoned gas from it”. I was confused, looking back in my memory for trips I’ve taken to try and make sense of the information. The only thing that made sense was that someone stole the gas, especially since stealing gas has been common lately with the high gas prices.

I recall the road I drove on was curvy and it was dark outside. The sense was that it was not close to dawn but closer to midnight.

Then we were in a hotel room in a large bed. My mom and brother were on my right. I was laying on my back feeling very relaxed and easily drifting off.

This is when the dream became more lucid. I could feel my body, how heavy and relaxed it was. I could feel how I was positioned – on my back, arms by my side, legs straight. I was so relaxed I could feel my jaw release and my mouth open. As I lay there, an energy swept over me that was familiar. It came with a slight sensation of falling. The energy moved through me in waves from feet to head and then head to feet. It was a wonderful, relaxed feeling and one I was keen to continue to fall deeper into.

This is when I felt someone lightly touching my legs. The sensation of touch went slowly up from my ankle towards my hips; sensual message. It felt wonderful and I relaxed into it. When I tried to sense who it was, there was no one there.

As I began to recognize I was likely in that in-between state where I could shift OOB, I heard voices to my right. My brother had woken way too early and was climbing around, talking and full of energy. I ignored it and focused back on the wonderfully heavy feeling. Again, I could feel the sensual massage, this time originating near my hip and moving down my thigh. I felt a bit embarrassed as I felt the sensation go over my thigh but pushed the thought away. It didn’t matter. I sent mental encouragement to whomever was helping me, urging them to continue.

Then I was hit on the top of my head by something. Turning, I saw my brother climbing around, unable to stay still in his eagerness to embrace the new day. I sighed and heard my mom tell him to get out of the bed. “Go get ready”, she said. I remember complaining. “It’s too early to wake up. It’s 5am.”

I focused my attention back on the heavy energy, encouraging it to return. It did but every time I focused on relaxing, the dream would interrupt – a voice, a bump, a distraction of some sort. In fact, noises from my own home began to intrude – our dog barked, my boys talking, the sound of footsteps.

When I finally woke up, I was laying in my own bed just as I had been laying in the dream. My mouth was extremely dry from being wide open for so long. I rarely sleep like that!

Considerations

I lingered in bed as long as I could. I didn’t want to get up and leave the warm, heaviness of slumber. I heard my guidance and said, “I want to sleep forever.” In our conversation I mentioned not wanting to deal with the events of the coming day. I had no interest. Sleep was so much better. My guidance reminded me of how fleeting my time here is and that “sleep”, which I so loved, would also end with this life. I saw he had a point and acknowledged it.

The dream symbolism seems to indicate that I am feeling “empty” but not really acknowledging the fact. Instead, I interpret the fuel tank as completely full. My mom (my wiser, maternal self) has to remind me I need to fill up.

Hotels are symbolic of shifts in personal identity; a new state of mind. It’s an indicator that I need to move away from old habits and ways of thinking. It may also indicate that I am seeking a reprieve from my normal, daily life. The interruption by my brother is representative of the interruptions of life. My children and responsibilities towards them come to mind.

The sensual massage was likely my desire to relax and enjoy being touched. One of my favorite ways to relax is through touch. Regular massage is good for easing aches and pains, but sensual massage is much more relaxing IMO. When I was a small girl my grandmother would often help me relax by lightly stroking my spine up and down. I would immediately settle.

The overall message seems to be that I need to pay attention and move away from the old into “the new”. At the very least it could indicate that I should go on another vacation. 🙂

by

Healing and Dealing

I’ve not been posting much lately. There are a few reasons for this. The first is I’ve had no desire to do so. The next is that I’ve been super busy with life. The last is the consideration that some things I post are too personal and it may be time to keep them to myself.

Since around mid-March I’ve been going through a healing phase. Mostly the healing occurs during dreamtime and, though I’m aware that it is going on because I often wake in tears or with a guide close by, I have been paying little attention. I mentioned this when I posted about my recent trip to Mexico and the pattern continues. I keep thinking, “I’ll post about it when this phase is complete” because, usually, the way I perceive things shifts dramatically after some time has passed and I’ve had time to recover from all the intense purging. I thought for sure the healing would stop but it hasn’t. The only change is that I am more aware of what the healing involves and why it is happening.

The dreams I’m having continue to incite emotion ranging from tears with an unknown cause to intense sobbing with a full understanding of why. The more aware I’ve become of the healing occurring in dreamtime, the more I seem to remember upon waking. Many of the most intensely emotional dreams are the result of dream encounters with two people from the not-so-distant past (since 2014). Mixed in with these encounters are dreams where I am teaching and working with children. These dreams appear to be counseling sessions exploring my future options in regards to career path.

And the healing isn’t limited to dreamtime. When I wake my days are also emotional, just in a different way. I’ve only just realized my waking life is a continuation of what is occurring in my dreams. I cry more often, especially when I speak my Truth. I’m noticing signs despite not really looking for them.

For example, on a morning walk not long ago, a neighbor was having a moving sale. My husband happened to be walking with me that morning and wanted to buy some tools. He had to leave in a hurry, so I went back to pay only to be invited into the house to see what else was for sale. Turns out, the woman moving was selling a ton of metaphysical and spiritual items. She had an entire room devoted to this which I was immediately drawn to. It wasn’t long before the two of us were chatting about all the things we had in common. I discovered she is a Reiki Master Teacher and gave healing in her home. The room was full of crystals and I told her, “I could stay in this room forever,” as I choked back tears. We talked for about two hours and I ended up buying as many of her things as I could. Since this encounter I’ve turned an entire room of my house into a reading/art/music/mediation room in an attempt to re-create the energy I felt in her healing room.

Other signs are all around me, all pointing to the same thing, “Change”. I often feel panicked when I notice the signs because of how numerous they can be. In one day I might have four or five while other days there are none (that I notice). Add these messages in with the dreamwork I’ve been doing and you can image how I’ve been feeling!

During times like these (healing, greater Knowing), I can be spontaneous. This is what happened when I went to the moving sale. I had no clue what I would do with all the items I purchased, I just Knew I needed them. I ended up with a massage table, a new deck of tarot cards, crystals, pillows, chimes…the list goes on. Then I just Knew I needed to transform a space in my house to create a space for these items to live and I got right to it.

The new space in progress – after furniture was moved out and spiritual items were moved in.
The new healing space. Plenty of room to set up the massage table or do yoga.

I’ve had another feeling (Knowing) and that is to quit my job and do something else. The thing is that the situation is a complicated mess in so many ways. One, I have no idea what the something else IS that I will do. Two, my accounts payable duties and responsibilities are known only by me and to just up and leave would put the company at risk. I would need to train someone to take over. That is the responsible thing to do, anyway.

I also have my husband pushing back. He doesn’t want me to leave the company. So while I am trying to exit stage right he is attempting to put me into a position of higher responsibility. I’ve been telling him I’m overwhelmed, not enjoying my job, and feeling the weight of all the added responsibility. I even requested an assistant. I got approval on my request for an assistant but it has been on hold for weeks now because he hasn’t pushed the paperwork through to HR. Instead, I’m being asked to come into the office every day to receive training on my new duties.

It can feel like I’m getting nowhere. Some days it is very difficult to resist the urge to quit. Really difficult.

It was only recently that I recognized some of my impulsive urges may be a return to the past and how I was feeling then. The feelings may have nothing at all to do with present time. Nothing. Since then the urges have lessened, replaced with a sense that all is happening as it should and to let things unfold.

And finally, I am just really, really busy lately! It seems like I don’t have enough time in the day to do what I want to do – what I enjoy. This is partially due to putting in more office hours (versus working from home), but also life just happens. It seems like every weekend there is some event we have to go or some plan made that I forgot about. Then there are the irritating life hiccups that come along like discovering fraud on our checking account necessitating closing the account, opening a new one and directing all ACH bill payments to the new account. OMG it’s been a PITA. When I found out I took it well but not before taking a break to just scream at the top of my lungs in frustration. Surprisingly, it made me feel a ton better. lol

Featured photo: Card draw I did for myself with my new deck – The Crystal Ally Cards.

Message for Card #1. Question: What should I do in regards to my current situation?
Message of card #2. Question: How do I speak my truth?
Message of card #3. Question (request): I need more guidance.
by

Mexico Trip

Sorry for the long-delayed update.

I returned from Playa del Carmen, Mexico on April 11.

The trip was okay.

Positives: I slept good, my daughter enjoyed herself, we saw beautiful places, there were no major hiccups, and there were some spiritual influences at play which caught my attention here and there.

The negatives: The energy of the group got to me, I didn’t get enough space away from the energy in order to release it, there were two small children crying on and off much of the time and I didn’t feel as safe as I did in Costa Rica.

Overall, the trip would be a 3 out of 5 stars but only because of the company we kept and the length of the trip. I could’ve come home a day earlier and my daughter said this also. 

If I had planned the trip, I would’ve planned to leave later in the day, like noon’ish, rather than go to the airport so early. We had to be there 2 hours before the flight here in the US and 3 hours before in Mexico. Eek! I always have difficulty sleeping the night before a flight, especially if it is an early one. I would’ve chosen a different place to stay – a resort would’ve been my ideal only because they have food, shopping and English speaking assistants to help with transportation and other things. It makes things so much easier and the price is worth it IMO. I didn’t plan the trip, so the above two things were out of my control. A vacation is only a vacation if you can take most of the stress out of it and just enjoy yourself. I stress with too many unknowns, so a resort would’ve helped with that.

Looking back at when I made the decision to go, I realized I didn’t know that my SIL’s, BIL’s sister was going (or didn’t pay attention to that fact). I will never go on a trip with her again, at least not stay at the same B&B. She has the kind of energy where she dominates the others in the group. There is really no way to escape her energy. It is like a vice grip, and for me, who is mostly open (Human Design), I get sucked up into all her definition and there is no navigating out of it. The experience of being around her all the time was tough. I was either emotional, quiet and subdued or trying to find a place to retreat to. At times, I spoke up without being invited and felt her response and it was too much. I ended up crying in my room more than once. By the end, I chose not to participate in the last activity in order to get the reprieve I needed. Thankfully, my daughter agreed with me and didn’t insist we go.

There was a point in the trip where I felt it would’ve been better had I not gone, mainly because it felt like my input and presence was unwanted. It was a big trigger but I realized it was my tendency to give input when not invited that created this effect. When I was quiet and subdued everything was much better but I was always left feeling like the third wheel and unable to change aspects of the trip that didn’t feel good for me. The only option was to not participate or plan something on my own. I tried to do the latter but I couldn’t find a trip that would take just one person and my daughter didn’t want to go with me. She wanted to just stay in the condo. 

My SIL’s friend/family had her own issues that she made sure to talk about frequently. Her daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes last year at the age of 10. It was clear to me that even though this new development was negative in so many ways and she was obviously not happy about it, the challenge was something that brought meaning to her life. I could clearly see how she had agreed to it, probably in order to bring purpose into her life. Her daughter would’ve also had to agree, so maybe a karmic contract?  Of course, I said nothing to her, just observed the fact that she seemed to really enjoy the challenge of the health issue (talking about it frequently) and the purpose it brought her. 

Spiritual Experiences

While the energy of the place wasn’t immediately apparent to me, some things I did notice. For example, I had various vivid dreams, some emotional. My emotions in general were high, though. I didn’t write any of the dreams down, just took note the next morning. It felt almost like full moon energy.

The day we went to Garden of Eden Cenote was the most spiritual day for me. The day was rainy and cloudy so it wasn’t crowded. As we walked up to the cenote I had a strong dejavu experience that was so noticeable I spoke about it to my daughter. Just a moment later the manager greeted us and began his speech about the cenote. I said, “Hola!” as I walked up and he stopped mid-sentence and looked at me very closely, saying, “Do I know you? You look familiar.” I paused, as I had not considered it when I greeted him but then did seem to recognize something in him. I said, “No, but you look familiar.” Not long after he mentioned Costa Rica and said to me, “Pura Vida!” I laughed, thinking it odd he would mention Costa Rica. 

Secluded area, Garden of Eden Cenote

After he was done talking I saw him around here and there and learned he was born in L.A. and lived there until he was nine when his parents brought him to Mexico to live. He took his job at the cenote very seriously, treating it as an extension of himself. I didn’t talk to him one-on-one but watched from a distance wondering if perhaps I had met him in dreamtime (I think had I brought up the astral he would’ve known what I was talking about). Later I mentioned a secluded area I enjoyed, calling it my favorite place, and he said it was his favorite place, too. Though he didn’t say, I knew he liked it because of its energy. I now wish I had spoken to him about it in private but the timing was not right. My group members would’ve been uncomfortable had I mentioned energy or anything related.

Other than some dreams and the one experience above, I was just very emotional. I am going to blame all the new energy I was constantly around on my inability to get space when I needed it. The good thing is I had my own bedroom I could retreat to. Had I not had that I would’ve really struggled.

Pictures

Here are a few pictures from the trip.

On day one we visited the Tulum Ruins, went snorkeling and then swam in a cave (yep!). The next day we went to the cenote (sinkhole) and the day after that we enjoyed the beach and the rooftop swimming pool. The rest of the trip was beach, shopping, dining, etc. My daughter and I did not go to Xcarat with the rest of the group on the last day of the trip. We were both sunburned, my daughter more than I, and preferred to rest the day before our flight home.

DCIM\100GOPRO\GOPR8660.JPG
DCIM\100GOPRO\GOPR8772.JPG