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Human Design: The Aloof 6th Line

On Thanksgiving I discovered my cousin is a 6/2 Manifesting Generator. I’ve known her my entire life, seen her quirks, often wondered “what is she thinking?” and seen her struggles with relationships and never once considered her as similar to me. In our youth, she and my older sister were joined at the hip and would always exclude me from whatever they were doing. If they didn’t exclude me, they would take advantage of my naivety and make me the brunt of their jokes and play cruel pranks on me, letting me think I was accepted as part of their group only to make it very clear to me that I never would be. And I fell for it over and over again because, yes, I was naïve and trusting, especially because I loved my sister and my cousin.

My cousin has lived on the same family land as my mother for a long time now. It has to be at least 20+ years. She moved here from California and has lived close to my grandparent’s underground house ever since. For some reason, in the past, wherever she was involved there was drama, especially with my grandmother. However, the drama died down and things have been quiet for at least a decade now.

Recently, her common law marriage of about 15 years ended. Her partner, who was 10yrs her junior, just decided to leave, his reason being he didn’t see his life going anywhere if he stayed. Since this breakup, my cousin has been different, quiet and reclusive. Her usual talkative self not so talkative. In the past, she use to talk so much it could be painful (she has a defined throat), but not so much now.

On Thanksgiving my cousin commented that she knew she could talk too much and that it pushed people away. She also indicated that she felt no one really wanted her at the gathering. Prior to the gathering I had prepared myself for her over talkative, eager, almost vampire-like energy, so I set the intention to let her talk and just listen without resisting her energy. When she purposefully sat next to me and singled me out from the rest of the group, I didn’t resist and acknowledged and accepted her as she was. I could sense the relief from her, and it matched my own.

As I tuned into her and her energy, truly listening to what she had to say, I Knew immediately “she is like me”. She mentioned how when she looked back on her life she didn’t recognized herself. She said to me, “I think, ‘who is that person?'” She also commented on how she has to keep clear of people more and more, taking long breaks and retreating to her own space and around her animals and things she enjoys. What she use to enjoy has changed, also. She has a smaller group she interacts with and chooses animals over people more and more. She commented also that she felt her life to be “done” and didn’t understand why she was still alive.

Though I have known other 6/2 MG’s (my ex-husband for one), I have always considered them to be vastly different from me because of their type – Generator. In fact, I’ve thought about my ex, wondering about his hermit tendencies (he always had them) and whether he is more a hermit now than when I knew him. He was always more social than me, so I highly doubt that has changed. Or has it? Considering my own cousin was very active and social in her youth it may also be that my ex has undergone a similar shift.

To be honest, I generally dislike all generating types because they typically do not “see” me, and so I tend to be more critical (bitter) when it comes to them. So, to recognize myself in an MG, to discover a genuine appreciation and sympathy for her struggle, well, ha! I hear someone in Spirit say, “Takes one to know one.” Yep. lol

The Aloof 6th Line

6/2’s get more “aloof” the older they get. They start out as a naïve version of a 3rd line, living their life via trial and error, filled with disappointment and wondering, “Why is this happening to me?” until they are around 30 years of age (Saturn Return). Then their life generally levels out. They still try things but as they get closer to middle age they do this less and less, becoming observers and settling down to live their life. Over time, they pull away from others more and more, preferring the company of themselves and a select few over new experiences and people. By the time they reach age 50 they have become extremely aloof and have thoughts similar to me and my cousin, feeling they are “done” and their life has no purpose. They may look back on their life and younger self and wonder, “Who is that person? Surely that wasn’t me.”

Here is a great article on the 6/2 profile that I find expresses my experience of the 6/2 profile very well.

I had to look up the word aloof to make sure I understood what it meant and my definition wasn’t incorrect. Aloof means someone who appears disinterested and stands apart from others; unfriendly; cold; not wanting or willing to take part in things; detached.

From vocabulary.com:

Someone who’s aloof isn’t warm and friendly, instead being distant and reserved. That emotionally cold and detached fellow who keeps to himself, drinking espresso and reading French philosophy, would best be described as aloof.

In Middle English, aloof was originally a nautical term; the loof (now spelled luff) is the windward side of a ship. Smart sailors wanting to avoid a hazard on the leeward side would give the order, “A loof!” From this command we get the idea of steering clear of something (or someone). In modern usage the word has taken on a negative connotation: an aloof person is often considered cold or snobby.

The aloof that describes me the best I think is the “steering clear of something” or someone. Yep! The thing is, it isn’t always clear what I am steering clear of, it is more of a feeling. Sometime I feel repelled and just have to get away.

And it isn’t only 6/2’s that experience this shift around middle age. My friend, a 6/3, and my SIL, also a 6/3, have confirmed to me multiple times that they are becoming more and more aloof. Note: My SIL could be a 6/2 (her time of birth is not known), but she doesn’t have enough hermit tendencies to fit the 6/2 so I think of her as a 6/3.

My SIL is about three years younger than I am and already choosing to live in the country over the city despite spending most of her life living in Los Angeles. Her desire now is to be a stay-at-home mom when in her youth she was a total workaholic. Though I didn’t know her as well when she was younger, from what I’ve heard she was very social, very out-going, and group oriented. As a Manifestor, she knew what she wanted to do and went for it. So, now that she is getting into her mid-40’s, she has calmed down significantly and told me that she does feel the need to retreat more and more.

My 6/3 friend is also finding herself retreating inward more and more. I have known her for about 20 years now. When she was younger she was very social, always encouraging me to get out more and introducing me to new people. Once she hit her mid-30’s she calmed down quite a bit, got married and settled into a stable career, even buying a house. However, I’m already noticing her shifting more inward, needing more and more time to herself. Just the other day she said to me, “Sometimes I think I hate people.” I replied back, “I know I hate people.”

The “hating people” part is more likely a Projector sentiment than a 6th line one. Being a 6th line Projector probably makes us more likely to interpret that “repulsive” feeling as “hate”. I’ll have to ask my cousin if she has ever felt that way.

When I think about how aloof I am and how I will probably only get more aloof over time, I wonder if I will end up the “crazy lady” who lives alone, hiding in her house, peering through closed windows at people outside? lol Thankfully, everything I’ve read about 6th lines says that, despite becoming more aloof, they eventually find their purpose (Role Model) and begin to re-join the world. I’m hoping, for sanity’s sake, that I do this because, though I do enjoy my alone time, I can’t imagine a life without others in it.

When I was with my cousin the other day, I sensed that her purpose would somehow involve animals and suggested that she open up her farm to the public, inviting children and maybe even special needs individuals. She told me she would love to do that if she could make a living doing it. Perhaps that is the direction she is headed and the place where she will shine? We will see. 🙂

Image source.

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2nd Lines, Projectors and the Holidays

How was your Thanksgiving? Hopefully, a pleasant one. 🙂 Mine was better than usual, but only because I set an intention that it would not be the dreaded, anxiety ridden, energy depleting day it normally is for me.

As a Projector with a 2nd line (6/2 Self-Projected), all holidays, even birthday celebrations, tend to invoke feelings of anxiety among other not so pleasant feelings. It’s not because I’ve had “traumatic” experiences around the holidays, either. It’s because the energy surrounding the holidays is just plain exhausting. The more people involved, the more exhausting. If all holidays just disappeared, it would be fine by me! Well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. I guess I would prefer it if the holidays were slower, involved only very small groups of people (like 6 or less) and focused on the true meaning rather than becoming a “keeping up with the Jones'” materialistic heyday.

Let’s face it. The holidays as we know them – well all large gatherings and celebrations – are Generator created. The Generator motto is “the more the merrier” or “come one, come all!”. Even the hermits (2nd lines) of the Generating type tend to feel this way, though they are more selective when it comes to who’s involved in the gathering. For those of us who are non-Generating types, this leaves us with only two options – choose not to participate at all or suck it up and “deal”. And who really, deep down wants to be left out? We humans need other humans. Even hermits have to go out and interact to stay sane.

In a 2nd line FB group I’m a part of, on Thanksgiving day, a fellow Projector and 2nd line was bragging about how he was happily spending Thanksgiving day alone. Lots of people in the group (all 2nd lines) chimed in about how they were doing the same. This is all and well – to each his own – but I couldn’t help but feel a bit sad for them, too, because, well, just because they are hermits doesn’t mean they aren’t wishing they had at least one other someone to share the day with.

2nd line Hermits do not always want to be alone. And to be clear, alone here means “not around other people” versus alone as in spending time with themselves to heal and get in tune with their own energy. If they say they do, they are lying or they are in temporary recluse mode and it WILL pass. Projectors don’t want to be alone either, and if we say we do, it is because we’ve been rejected so many times that we feel we aren’t wanted anyway. As a 2nd line Projector I can say for a fact that all I want – all I’ve ever wanted – is to be seen and heard and accepted. The ONLY way for this to happen is to be around others. So, if you hear a Projector or a 2nd line boasting about how wonderful their life is because they are alone all the time – be suspicious but don’t argue.

When you get into Human Design, it is easy to over emphasize certain qualities of your profile and type, especially if you recognize something you missed about yourself before. I see this all the time. Projectors thinking they need to sleep all the time. Hermits thinking they should be alone all the time or glorifying alone time. Generators thinking they should have lots of energy all the time. Eventually, as they progress through the deconditioning process, they come into communication with themselves, listening to their strategy and authority, and no longer need to prove anything.

Intention is Everything

This Thanksgiving my husband was out of town (still is) and that left me doing things I prefer not to, like driving and talking to family to coordinate among other things. Driving on the highway is nerve wracking for me these days, mostly because I can sense the other drivers on the road among other things. Talking to family (or anyone), well if it involves phones, is something I avoid, too. So, rather than focus on all the things I didn’t want, I decided to focus on what I did want. I wrote this in my journal Thanksgiving morning:

My plan today is to visualize how I want things to go, to stay in present time as much as I can, to remember to breathe, focus on enjoying family and listen to my authority when it says “enough is enough”. I will also practice active listening and speak only when invited to share my wisdom. So, I probably won’t be talking too much except for normal chit-chat (which I abhor and can’t tolerate for long). If I feel too much, I will find a place to retreat far from Generator auras (at least 12 feet). If someone approaches me while I am in retreat, I will not run but excuse myself graciously without insulting them.

I went on to write about how I’ve experienced the holidays in the past:

For many, the holidays are a time they look forward to. For me, even as a kid I didn’t look forward to the holidays. At least at Christmas there were the gifts, at Halloween, candy and dressing up and Easter, egg hunts and more candy. Now days I don’t look forward to any of them really. They exhaust me just thinking about them. Even birthdays incite a big sigh. I often wish all holidays would be banned or at least limited to immediate family only. The big “come one, come all” gatherings are kryptonite to me. 

The day turned out much, much better than I expected, though, all thanks to setting an intention and keeping my focus in the present moment.

The Day

The drive to my mom’s was stressful but the traffic was low and I kept focusing on my intention. Thankfully, my kids were in good spirits and so that made the drive go much faster.

When we arrived, my mom’s two friends were already there but they were the kind to keep to themselves. They had two small dogs, one a toy Aussie, that reminded me of Monty. The energy was calm and nice. Yay!

When everyone else arrived the energy changed very little and I felt relaxed to the point that my hands were warm and I kept yawning. This is unlike me and surprised me to the point that I mentioned it. My uncle seemed to notice, though, and smiled when he nudged me and told me, “don’t fall asleep”. 

My cousin asked me to come see her new car and then told me about her car accident. This cousin tends to be very talkative and exhausting, but I just listened and acknowledged her and didn’t feel any exhaustion from out interaction. She rolled her car one early morning earlier this year and came out unscathed. She told me she wondered why she was allowed to live, especially when a friend of hers with two children died around the time of her accident. I reminded her that she must be here for a reason.

She also mentioned how, when she looks back on her life, she doesn’t recognize herself anymore and it was at that time I thought to myself, “I bet she is a 6/2 MG”. She told me she had spent her entire savings ($3k) to buy her new car. An idea popped into my head to send her $1,000.00 as a Christmas gift with a note, “To help rebuild your savings”. I thought about telling her but then decided to keep it a surprise. I knew if I had asked her if she wanted money she would’ve told me no.

My cousin sat next to me at dinner and we talked for a bit about lots of various things. The more she told me, the more certain I was that she was a 6/2. Eventually, I brought up human design and asked her for her birth info. When I pulled up her chart I smiled and showed her the profile and type that came up: 6/2 MG! I was spot on!

Afterward, me and the kids went to my cousin’s to look at her new baby goats and chicks. The kids enjoyed it very much as they held goats and little chicks. My little 2/4 Generator boys really loved it! 

On the drive home I realized I still had enough energy to go to the second gathering, something I didn’t think would happen. So, we attended the second gathering, with all my husband’s family and friends. It wasn’t at all bad and I felt very at ease, my hands still warm and my body relaxed. I was even asked how things were going and I explained how relaxed I had been all day and still was. I told them I suspected that the absence of my husband helped with that because he is super energetic. They all agreed, saying, “He’s the most energetic of all of us.”

A coworker and family friend was sitting across from me at the table. I stayed at the table after everyone had left as did he and his new wife. Somehow we got into a conversation and he talked more than I had ever heard him talk before while I practiced active listening. He seemed genuinely pleased to be talking to me, too, not strained or self-conscious. The topic of friends came up and he told me, “I’m not looking for friends. Friend are too much work.” I laughed out loud and said, “You sound like me! I’ve said those exact words many times.” We talked more about it and everything he described sounded very much like me – his avoidance of groups, his preference to be alone, his perception of others. I remember thinking to myself, “He’s either a 2nd line or a Projector…or both.” 

My kids were begging me to leave so I had to literally pull myself away from the conversation because he wanted to keep talking. I did, too, but the kids weren’t having it, so I left. It was so nice to find someone within the group who was like me! In the past I had seen him and suspected he was “different” and now I know why. I was sensing he was like me, same as he was sensing I was like him. 

I’ve never met a male Projector (that I know of) but when I researched his birthday (he is an employee so I have access to it), it turned out he is probably a Projector. I entered various birth times and the morning time and evening times make him a Projector. He is either a 3/5 or 4/6 Splenic Projector. There was no 2nd line in any profile type that came up for him. Based upon my experiences with 3/5 and 4/6 profile types, I would think he fits the 3/5 more, but I can’t be certain since I have limited experience with 4/6. 

Interestingly, I also discovered my SIL (the hostess of the gathering) is also probably a Projector. I kept noticing her energy at the gathering and compared to the others’ energy there, hers is much more accepting and calm. So, I looked up her chart using the information I have (no birth time). She could be a 2/4 Emotional Manifestor, but that only came up once in the 6 birth times I entered. She is either a 3/5, 2/5 or 2/4 Emotional Projector. Since I haven’t asked her birth time, I can only guess which one she is but I know, based upon how calm I feel around her, that she is not a Generating type. My guess is she’s a 3/5 Projector because she doesn’t have hermit tendencies.

If I am right, that means that my husband and his brothers all ended up with non-Generating types! One married a Projector, the other a Manifestor, and then my husband married me, a Projector. My husband’s parents were a MG-Projector couple, his mom being the Projector. My guess is they subconsciously selected women with similar energy to their mom. 

When I take a look around me at the auras that surround me I am intrigued by all the Projectors and Manifestors that are there! 3 Projectors and 2 Manifestors out of ten family members total and now the one family friend, too. This isn’t including all the Hermits (2/4’s), of which there are just as many! It is clear to me that this is no coincidence. I am surrounded by people who I can relate to and who can relate to me and energies that complement my own. Pretty awesome!

Intention Setting

I’ve been having some amazing wins with intention setting lately. I already wrote about my dentist anxiety issues and my success with that. Well, it happened again when I went in to get my permanent crown. I was relaxed and falling asleep in the dentist chair! And my Thanksgiving intention was also a success, even beyond what I had imagined!

Last night I spoke to my SIL who lives in Costa Rica, the one I stayed with for a month. She pointed out how proud she was of me for setting intentions and manifesting what I wanted. She reminded me that, while I was in Costa Rica, she and I worked on exactly that – intention. Specifically I brought back with me the decision that I would focus on what I wanted to feel and experience rather than on what I did not. When I think back on how I transformed my dentist and Thanksgiving experiences, I realize that is all I did – focus on what I wanted to feel. I have a tendency to focus on what I don’t want, which only makes it seem bigger and then brings it into my present experience. But I’ve been shifting that more and more lately, setting intentions to be in the present and pulling myself out of the past and future when I find my mind wandering. It is working and it is wonderful!

On Thanksgiving, when I decided to listen more and talk less, wonderful things happened. I became receptive to receiving from others, which I don’t normally do. I typically retract and retreat, which is a very lonely (alone) place to be. Because I was open to receiving, I discovered two Projectors in my life and recognized aspects of myself in my cousin, someone I’ve always struggled to connect with. As a Projector, my gift to others is that I make them feel seen, even other Projectors. I can only do this, though, when I follow my strategy and authority. My Not-Self says, “retract and retreat” but my strategy and authority say, “Listen” and “Be open to receive”. Duh.

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Heart Healing Bliss

I’ve been focusing on clearing and opening my heart after recognizing a block there is limiting my access to the Bliss.

The first time, I was laying in bed doing a breathing meditation. I decided to focus on my heart and as I did, I saw a large Band-Aid. So, I peeled if off slowly and set the intention of healing the remainder of the wound from when my heart connection disconnected (end of 2016). When I peeled it off, I could see a raw spot, indicating a wound nearly healed, which was reassuring.

Afterward, I kept meditating and focused on my heart. It was not long after pulling off the Band-Aid that my chest began to feel warm. Then, I felt a pulling sensation in my chest that intensified until it began to feel uncomfortable. As soon as I noticed the discomfort, the feeling vanished.

When I stopped meditating, I rolled over onto my side and talked with my guidance for a while. I don’t recall what we talked about now but the overall feeling was that they would help me and I would be successful at opening my heart. Then, two very distinct bolts of “lightning” hit my chest area followed by a deep aching in my chest area that caused me to get slightly concerned because it lingered for so long.

More Emotional

Not long after I had a dream that indicated I should call my mom. In the dream I was awakened by an insistent knocking on my door. When I answered, my mom was standing there with my aunt who was sitting in a wheelchair. I rarely see my aunt in my dreams and since I know she is battling breast cancer, it felt like a warning.

When I called my mom she was in good spirits but when I asked her about my aunt, she began to open up to me about some past issues that were coming up for inspection for her. She got very emotional, crying and choking up, and causing me to get a bit choked up as well. 

The things she brought up had to do with her parents and some traumatic memories she had of them from her childhood. In one instance, she described a memory of how her mom bought her a new pair of glasses without telling her dad. When he came home and found out, he threw her mom across the room. In another memory, her mom was about to slice a piece of pie and said something passive aggressive about having to slice it just right, when her dad, furious at her mom, stuck his entire hand in the pie and put some on his plate. It destroyed the pie and traumatized both my mom and my aunt.

My mom explained how she was angry at her mother for much of her life and decided she would never let a man treat her like that. She told me she believes that’s why her marriages failed and why she struggled with relationships with men. She said she saw how she became like her father even though she was trying not to and hated herself for it.

We went on to talk about my sisters and her upset regarding them. I listened and gave her my viewpoint, telling her I understood and do not blame her for anything. I told her about how I handle and heal my own past trauma, advising her to not avoid the pain but move through it. Each of us has to focus on healing ourselves and, in doing so, we assist in helping others to heal.

As I wrote the above, it is clear to me that I missed a very clear message to myself. “The only way out, is through”, and this applies very much to me right now. 

That evening, when winding down for bed, I had some strong emotion arise out of thinking of what my mom told me about my grandfather. I didn’t know he was abusing like that! Of all the father figures in my life, I was the most connected to him. I saw his mean side but it never really bothered me too much. Yes, he did some things that could have caused me trauma, but, thankfully, they did not. My love for him always won out in the end. I could see his true self underneath. I really miss him!

I also thought of the trauma my mom and her sister are still trying to heal. It makes me sad and in that moment I could feel their pain. I remember thinking, “Their pain is my pain, their love is my love.” 

Pranayama Meditation

That night I decided to do a pranayama breathing meditation. It consisted of breathing in for five counts, holding the breath for five counts, and breathing out for five counts. I did this for seven minutes and it was quite challenging!

While meditating I could feel a wonderful heaviness spreading through my body. Even though the mediation was a breathing meditation, I felt guided to my heart center. This time, rather then seeing a Band-Aid, I saw a string hanging down. I grabbed onto it and looked up and saw a bright red balloon. With the joy of a small child, I let the balloon go and watched it disappear into the sky. I knew that it was symbolic of letting go, something I very much long to do in regards to the past hurt I have been carrying around with me.

I fell asleep without issue, feeling warm and comforted.

During the night I had dreams of a spiritual gathering. The group was very large! There were at least 50 of us. We encircled a large swimming pool, hands clasped, as we began our meeting. We discussed our unique spiritual gifts. A woman said to me, “You can hear people’s thoughts, correct?” I thought for a moment and then said, “Yes, I guess I can. Sometimes I hear them very distinctly, but most of the time it is muddled. And sometimes I don’t want to hear them! I could probably better control this gift if I practiced more.” 

There isn’t much more I recall from the dream but when I awoke I was very aware of a warmth in my heart chakra and energy moving through my body. It was mostly “energy hug” energy, which is when the energy originates in the center of my spine and spreads outward, washing me in a calm, soothing bliss. There were times the energy would linger in certain places, and when it did it felt very healing and pleasant. This was most obvious in my second chakra. I swear I could feel my entire uterus!

When the energy began to fade I said to my guidance, “I want to feel that (the energy) all the time.” The energy instantly returned and I sunk into it, feeling the love and reassurance of Spirit. I recalled being told recently, “What you want is there, you need only to reach for it” and from this point on a long conversation ensued with my guidance. Unfortunately, and as is typical, the exact messages I received are lost to me now. What I remember is that I was advised to wait for “the proposition”. This caught my attention because, as a Projector, I am suppose to “wait for the invitation”. So their use of the word “proposition” brought me out of my reverie momentarily. 

The entire time I communicated with my guidance, the blissful energy lingered. I was covered in it, waves upon waves of it spreading out from my core. The bliss has a way of pulling me deep into Knowing. I go so deep that the Knowing I received does not come as words but as feeling. This is why I so rarely remember any words. At the time of Remembering, there are “words”, at least it seems so, but they don’t remain, dissolving into only feelings by the time I come out of my reverie. 

When I began my day it was with appreciation instead of hesitation. I want to feel this every day. I want to be this every day. 

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Poetry: Woman

She is no shrinking Juliet to any man’s Romeo

She is the sea

No compassionate caresses of pity from her will my plaintive whimpers yield

Test me. Break me. Shatter through my weakness and leave me shivering on your rocky shores

What man can know the moods of the sea?

I gaze into her depths of blue; her eyes of sparkling depths unknown

No man can rape her

Men who try find themselves raped in turn. Broken men upon her scorn

She is not my pool of rest and respite from the treachery of the world

She is here to test me, break me, smash my falsity and ignorance upon her beach of stark realities

Like a masochistic monk I whip myself with her relentless tides

Until I lie helpless and naked upon her shore

Oh keen young inquistor!

Break through my lies and deceits!

Pry from me my hidden innermost secrets and twisted thinking

Leave me exposed and helpless to run back to her seeking solace and finding only her contempt and scorn

Get up Coward; You weakling! Silence your lazy whimpering whines!

You seek a shoulder to cry on? Ha!

The germ, the disease, the gene of scoliosis lies within me.

Waiting.

Like my mother, will it break my spine?

Will it crush my organs?

Bend, cripple, shrink me to a sniveling, whimpering whining twisted wreck of a man as my years stretch into the dusty dismal future?

God let it come! I welcome its twisting dismemberment

Thank God that I have this

Woman

She will pity me not

Rather she will unravel my weakness all the more.

She will craft it, sculpt it, mold it into sterner stuff

And when my weak twisted broken body lies crumpled on the floor a putrid pool of rotting vomit

My soul will take flight to the blue clear vision of her

Rebirth!

And I will gaze with proud confident strength upon her beauty

Her straight angular crisp un-aging undying form

The embodiment of strength and scorn of weak

Oh Woman!

I crush my weakness and Glory in the strength which is yours

Your fierce changing tides test me, challenge me, urge me

To be a better

Man!

~Written by Unknown, Featured artwork by: Imre Szombathy

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A String of Realizations

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment to get a crown and repair a filling. I wasn’t looking forward to it because my past experiences have not been the best. Mainly it is because no matter how much they numb me I somehow still feel pain. It isn’t horrible but enough that I tense up in anticipation of more. 

Rather than dwell on the upcoming appointment, I decided to put it out of my mind and focus on happy thoughts. The night before I remember thinking, “By this time tomorrow I will have a new crown” and the thought felt solid and reassuring. On the commute in that morning, I listened to calming music. What is cool is one song was about how this is all life is a dream. I took that message and reminded myself that I control my dreams and what happens is up to me. 

When I arrived the receptionist asked me if I wanted to get nitrous. I told her I thought it wasn’t a good idea because in the past it seemed only to make my anxiety worse. I’m not even sure where the idea came from the skip it this time, either, it just felt right.

As I sat waiting for the dentist to arrive and numb me, I thought about how I should be focusing on the fact that I would be getting a new tooth rather than on the pain that might accompany the procedure. I compared it to other times when I’ve considered a certain amount of pain “worth it”. I also kept thinking to myself, “It will be fine. There won’t be any issues.” 

When I got numbed I noticed something I had never noticed before. The tooth that was to be worked on was numb all the way up through the root. I could feel it distinctly. I commented to the dentist that I didn’t recall ever feeling it like that in the past. 

The moment the drill hit my tooth I tensed up and began to feel my heart pounding in my chest. I focused on breathing and relaxing. Moments later, when it was clear there would be no pain, I relaxed.

At one point I was acutely aware of the drill on my tooth and knew it was not a good idea to focus on it like I was. So I focused on my breath and wiggled my toes a bit. I didn’t focus on the drilling again after that.

In the two hours that I was there I didn’t feel even a niggle of pain. Nada. In fact, at the end I was so relaxed I was near sleep! That’s never happened to me at the dentist!

When I got home I marveled at how seamlessly the dentist visit had gone. I knew I had created the experience and it was a wonderful feeling. 

Dreams Match Reality

Recently I had a realization that I believe contributed to my dentist experience. I woke up a couple of days ago thinking about how I prefer my dreams to my waking reality. I thought, “It shouldn’t be that way. The two realities should support one another. My goal should be to merge my dream reality with physical reality, not on how to avoid the physical reality altogether.” It was clear that my two realities were out of sync. In general, I feel free and unencumbered during dreamtime while I feel trapped and stifled in my waking reality.  

With this in mind I wondered, “How do I make my waking reality experience match my dream experience?”

I didn’t dwell on the how for very long. Some memories came to me of certain dream experiences that I would like to have manifest in this reality, but ultimately it felt like the experiences themselves were not the answer. 

It’s All About Intention

After my dental experience, it became very clear to me that the way to bring the two realities into balance is to set an intention and keep focusing on that intention. With my dental experience, I intended to have a pain-free experience and kept focusing on what I wanted, not what I did not want. 

Knowing this is the route I need to take, I am now left wondering what intention to set each day. Most days I do not have much of anything going on. Should I just set the intention to have a “good day”? Or should it be more like setting the intention to go with the flow of life?

Ultimately, I think my intention should be about how I want to feel more than trying to visualize specific movements or moments.

What is a challenge for me at times is not getting caught up in thoughts that can take me down not-so-nice rabbit holes. For example, last night as I was settling down to sleep, thoughts about my sister came to mind. They were worries mostly and thoughts about my failure to help. I felt an inner tug to focus on sending love rather than to focus on my thoughts. When I did this, the thoughts vanished and I recognized how simple and effective a solution it was.

Still, later in the evening, bored and a bit restless, I began to feel my thoughts pulling me in directions I didn’t want to go. So, I got up out of bed and did some yoga, focusing on breathing and gratitude, feeling into my body and solidifying my connection to it. I remember thinking, “What do I want to create?” My answer was: Bliss.

Over the past few years I’ve grown very out of practice with intention setting both in my dreams and waking reality. I use to be very good at controlling my thoughts and emotions during dreamtime. Now I just find myself pulled along in my dreams, doing seemingly random things. If I do become lucid it isn’t for long and there remains a kind of dullness to my perceptions. Funny enough, my waking reality isn’t much different. Numbed perceptions for the most part and feeling pulled along by life.

Pay Attention to Your Dreams

Recently there has been a promising shift in my dreamtime experiences. For example, while OOB I said to myself, “I am awareness.” I then directed the experience a bit more while also listening to my guidance and following their suggestions. 

The key now is to make similar progress in my waking reality. 

What’s important to remember is that past experiences are not necessarily indicative of how present and future ones will unfold. I am learning new material now. It is about putting what I’ve learned to practice and I’ve not been doing a very good job. All my dreams of being in school, repeating classes, missing assignments and skipping school are pointing to that fact. I had one last night, in fact, where I had skipped too many classes (30 days) and was being reprimanded. lol

It is clear to me that my preference has been to wallow in past upsets or failures over pushing forward into new, uncharted territory. It can be difficult to let go of the past, especially those parts involving strong emotionally charged experiences. I have a tendency to pluck from that long dead “tree” the remaining remnants of its delicious fruit but it just doesn’t taste the same anymore. It is dying just like the tree did.

It is time to cultivate something new; thus the dreams of gardening and planting seeds in rich, black soil.

Right now I’m not really able to see anything ahead except blackness. Rather than despair over this fact as I have in the past, I prefer to think of the blackness as a clean slate ready for painting. All I know is how I wish to feel and how I want that feeling to grow and remain a constant in my life. So, that feeling will be my paint and I will prep the canvas with it. The picture will eventually emerge, just like my 52 Light Code Oracle paintings did. 

And while a part of me wants to linger on my failure to recognize all of the above while wandering about seemingly aimlessly in my waking life, another part recognizes that it was all purposeful and part of my own, individual process of healing and acceptance. Because, in the end, life really isn’t about the destination but the journey.

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Kundalini Dream, OBE, and Message

Happy Halloween! I hear the energies are intense today – solar flares? The only evidence I have of this intensity is from dreamtime. Happy to share. 🙂

Kundalini Dream: 1 Year

I was in a familiar dream location. It consisted of two home about 100 feet apart connected by a narrow walkway. The homes were round, hut-like buildings with thatched roofs, small windows and stone flooring. I only recall snippets of the other dreams I’ve had there, but apparently it is a place I frequent at times. 

Inside the hut on the left was myself and two others, a man and a woman. I felt like their child and the woman was talking to me about preparations. The specifics of these preparations are lost to me except for the symbolism, which, to me, is pretty obvious. The man stepped forward and it was clear to me that he and I were to be “paired”. Uncertain, I questioned the pairing because I knew this man was my “uncle”. The woman explained that it was time and urged me to accept, which I finally did. I recall her encouraging me to go with the man whose hand was held out to me. Though I don’t remember the man’s appearance specifically, he was wearing a long, tan robe with a thick, colored sash at his waist. I took his hand but hesitated, looking around me as my lucidity began to increase.

The woman was insistent. She physically pushed me forward toward the man and said, “We must hurry. The entire process is a long one. It will take a year before any eggs are produced.” It was odd to hear the word “egg”. In that moment, I saw a bunch of chickens pecking around at my feet and wondered if I was one since how else would I become a producer of “eggs”? 

The man’s hand in my own and my decision clear, I went with him. I could feel his hand in my own and a familiar, strong energy began to swirl in my root chakra. The upward pull of the desire that was kindled there woke me and as I lingered in bed, the energy remained creating an ache within to go “up, up, up!”

Symbolism

I sat with the energy as the dream symbolism became clearer. Two circular huts = masculine and feminine. Man and woman = masculine and feminine. Uncle = soul family. The pairing = Union. Eggs = new, unhatched potential; the energy of life. Chicken = cowardice (mine lol). 

The energy continued to linger in my root. It was not the strongest I’ve ever felt but it was quite distracting. The energy was moving up but very sluggishly. Eventually I decided to position myself flat on my back with a pillow over my head and my arms crossed over the top of the pillow. Rather than focus on the energy, making it stronger and more unbearable, I relaxed into it. The energy moved up easily to my heart and a warmth spread out from there. 

Recalling how at other times I needed a catalyst to get the energy moving, I started thinking of those times, hoping to be assisted in a similar way. A male voice from my right indicated that though that was one way, there was another. The male voice then asked me if I wanted to learn/experience more. I recall asking for protection, shielding my aura just in case. The last thing I remember was hearing some instructions (can’t recall the specifics) and affirming that I wanted to proceed. 

Lucid to OBE: Soaring Free 

To my surprise, I ended up in a lucid dream. I was inside my old bedroom at my mom’s house and two of my children were with me. I sat on the bed and my two children were on either side of me. We all had laptops and mine indicated a message was received. When I went to check, I read a message from someone I did not know but who wanted to connect with me. There was a name that started with an “A”
but other than that I just know he was indicating that he wanted to get to know me. I remember almost becoming fully lucid here because I knew that I had not received any emails in real time but tossing the idea of dreaming because it felt “so real.”

I clicked on a link and a video popped up on a huge screen in front of my face. Surprised, I turned to my daughter to see if she noticed, but she didn’t. The video was of an older man and a younger one – father and son. The younger one was making a music video and the father was producing it. Both men had dark hair but other than that I can’t recall what they looked like. There was lots of dancing and I recall being pulled into the video for a short time.

When I came back out of the video, my vision had gone completely dark and I knew I was dreaming. I moved out of the bedroom towards the front door, put my hand on the knob and opened it. Outside my vision started to gradually turn on. The entire front area was a cast in reddish shadows and I remember wanting it to be daylight and knowing just my desire for the light would bring it. Sure enough, the light came and fully illuminated the space.

I took flight immediately, singing as I flew, going up to just above the tops of the trees. I flew up to the main road and saw below me a truck pulling a wheel barrow. I yelled down to warn the driver but knew I was too high. Another truck followed behind and I decided to move on, flying higher.

The pull upward was strong but I again decided to level out, knowing just my desire to do so would keep me from being pulled out and into “space”. I looked down in awe at the trees and landscape below me. I could feel the wind buffeting the clothes on my body. I tore off my shirt, losing vision in my left eye momentarily as the fabric stuck on my head. Completely naked from the top up, I felt an amazing sense of freedom. I remember thinking, “It’s so beautiful!” 

The entire time I flew, I was singing words I can’t recall. What I sang described how I was feeling, though, and the more I sang, the more free I felt.

Eventually, I shifted back to the house. Inside, I saw two dark haired young men lounging on the sofa.  Both looked at me and the feeling I got from them was interest. Not really interested at the time, I flew around, flipping and zig-zagging around the house and enjoying the freedom of my astral body. Oddly, I felt my previously removed shirt put back on me, as if folded around me like a blanket. I wanted it off, but knew it needed to stay. 

Eventually, the energy of my very active root and second chakra filtered through to the experience and I turned back towards the men. They looked identical and I wondered which one I should approach, eventually selecting the one to my left. I flew like an acrobat towards him, landing perfectly on his lap facing him. He looked shocked and I laughed because the position was obviously sexual. I kissed him, feeling a very puny tongue in my mouth, and an intense electric shock to my root woke me up. 

Music Message: When You’re Ready Come and Get It

There was no energy shift when I returned to my body. The energy was still present but only a subtle warmth remained. Knowing the experience was over, I opened my eyes and then curled up happily on my side, relishing the remaining blissful energy. I had been singing when I returned but the words shifted immediately to a familiar song. The words were clearly a message, “When you’re ready come and get it….”

Dreams such as the one above are clearly indicating that some “process” is occurring, or will be. That I was willing and did not resist out of fear is a good sign. The fear is illogical, of course, but I am and have been aware of it. The fear is of the unknown but also of an inner Knowing that what awaits me is another kind of “death”, one that is highly attractive and terrifying at the same time – the familiar signature of the Kundalini. 

The OBE was a nice surprise. The symbolism of it indicates a desire to feel free and unrestrained. Trucks = work. Wheelbarrow = difficult task. The shirt being taken off = desire to be unrestrained. The shirt being put back = message to take it slow, restraint is needed now. The twin men = twin energies, Union. 

I really shouldn’t be surprised by the events of this morning. Two days ago I received a message from my guidance. It came out of the blue and no explanation was needed. The message was, “You’re heart will open again.” When I heard this I got a bit panicked but was reassured with, “You will be okay.” A typical calming statement by my guidance but it works, and I’m glad it does.

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Message: Go With the Flow

This week has been spiritually significant but only in that I have listened, really listened.

On the 24th, after waking once again feeling depressed and asking to leave this life, my guidance made a suggestion – control your thoughts, decide to stop asking to go Home. I agreed.

On the 26th, I had another realization:

I noticed something I’ve been noticing for a while now. I see posts on social media asking questions like, “Are you feeling the energies?” These posts have pictures or text from a channel or spiritual teacher, experiencer, etc. I look at these posts and respond to the question, “No”, and I think to myself, “I use to be one of those spiritual teachers/experiencers posting questions and images just like that. What happened?” 

The “energies” are not something I really notice these days. In the past, they use to be intense, so much so that I couldn’t help but notice them. I would have intense vibrations, Kundalini energy, psychic Knowing, and spontaneous channeling experiences. There were times that I felt almost compelled to write what was coming to me. I honestly felt to do so was fulfilling my purpose, and it was, at the time. Now, when I see posts like these I have no interest and even think at times how ridiculous some of them are. I see people putting all their attention on these posts, using them as identifiers, categorizing themselves and trying to find labels for what they are going through all in an attempt to ascribe meaning and purpose where none can be found.

Huh, that was me not very long ago.

For a while now, two years or so, these experiences have been few to none. Even the K has drastically decreased. Where it use to be volcanic-like, the energy is much more subtle now, swirling and more blissful than erotic or sexual. While I do still get communication from my guides and have the occasional dream experience, mostly it is quiet and life is back to “normal”. 

My past comes to mind every once in a while and I see just how different I am, how changed. Is it for the better? The worse? Both? And is this where all these people I witness following posts are going, too? Why are some seemingly forever stuck on this path while others move on?

When I look at the past me I see someone who was seeking meaning and purpose, wanting to be special, wanting acknowledgment, wanting to make a difference. The excitement I felt was palpable. My husband even mentioned it the other day, reminding me how passionate I use to be about my dreams, my spiritual experiences, abilities and gifts. 

All that is no more. I am bored now by all of it. I see the truth in all of it, that experiences are merely reflections, mirroring the lack (or abundance) within and broadcasting it to others. 

And I think now I am experiencing the after effects of it all. The “Before enlightenment (Kundalini), chop wood, carry water. After Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.” 

There is no point in attributing meaning to any of my experiences. They just Are. The biggest lesson learned has been that humans seek to attribute meaning to everything but the reality is, there is no meaning to be had. Accepting that humans are flawed in this way, accepting that meaning is an illusion, is helpful but only to the extent that I apply what I have learned. 

Everything changes. Everything flows. Going with the flow, flowing in acceptance of what is, is the path. The water doesn’t ask, “Why are there so many rocks?” The water just flows. 

There will be rocks at times. We can effortlessly flow around them or question and resist them. At other times the current will be slow and deep. We can linger and swirl about joyously in the eddies and pools or we can question them and judge them for slowing us down. During the rapids we can fall freely, thrilling in the moment, or we can wonder why, looking to return to the slower, seemingly easier flow of the past. 

So, the truth is there is both meaning and no meaning. There is both pleasure and pain. There is both awe and cynicism. All exists within Us.

Since agreeing with my guidance to silence my negative, self-talk, I’ve been doing much better. It is interesting how easy it has been, a relief, really. If I do find myself thinking thoughts, such as, “I wish I would never wake up”, I receive an immediate silent reminder from within, an inner sense that is hard to describe. Usually it is upon waking from dreams that are unsettling, like this morning’s was.

Dream: Healing Hand

A man I knew in high school, the father of my best friend, was present in this dream. He passed away unexpectedly years ago, suffering a massive heart attack while on a cigarette break. He was outside, alone, when he collapsed. When a family member went to check on him, he was already dead. His death was a shock to my friend and the last we talked (about four years ago) she was still suffering from it, taking anti-depressants to cope. 

While I don’t recall specific conversations, Vic, my friend’s father, was the one I spoke to the most in the beginning. Mostly I recall how he was friendly and hospitable, welcoming me into his home and family. 

Then I spent some time with my friend. She was telling me how her husband had gotten a job that took him to other parts of the country. It felt like a military assignment, but he doesn’t work in the military. She mentioned the pay raise and how they were making preparations. The two of us sat down in a bedroom reminiscent of her old room. She had in front of her a large piece of particle board. On it was a white model of a home. My understanding of it was that her thoughts created the model. It was much larger than any single home and upon closer inspection did not look like a home at all but more like a 3D model of cubes set next to and upon one another. She told me it took 5 years to manifest. I remember there was another one next to hers. Mine? I’m not sure.

As we sat together, I could feel a focused pressure on my middle back. It felt like someone was pushing on a pressure point. It felt good and I leaned into it. In my mind, the source of this pressure was an animal but what kind I don’t know. My friend asked about it and I told her what was happening and how it felt good. 

While this pressure was pushing into my back, I decided to share something with her that made it impossible to ever trust her fully again. I shared with her memories of how she treated me our last year in school. It was difficult to tell her without feeling emotional but I did. She listened and didn’t judge. In response I recalled how she had later attempted to make amends – making me a bridesmaid in her wedding, attending my wedding, confiding in me over the years, etc. I welcomed her back but it was never the same. Our once strong friendship was gone, weakened by my inability to fully trust her.

Her father appeared and invited me to join them. We walked into a giant elevator. Inside looked like a well lived-in home. Other’s were inside. I felt unsure of myself and the situation as I stood inside looking around. The entire “home” moved and I felt it shift upward slightly. 

Her father smiled at me and was welcoming. I was reminded of all the times he did just that when I knew him, treating me like family and making me feel at ease. It was like a life review of the times he and I interacted and I knew his treatment of me in life was genuine – he loved me. It felt as if he was visiting me from beyond this life.

My friend was still there and her presence also made me feel at ease. There was a longing to have a relationship like that in my life again – to have a friend who was so close, who I trusted and felt safe with, whose family felt like my own. 

I stepped towards my friend and her father, accepting their invitation. Relief washed over me. I remember hearing the word, “Safe”. Letting down my defenses completely, I joined them – my family. I began to sob and part of a song came to mind.

“If you’re strong enough, to let it in. You’re strong enough to let it go.”

The song played in my mind as I cried. Then, out of the blue, a man’s hand came toward my face. It got close and then pressed firmly against my face. It reminded me of what faith healers do when they heal. The person they touch then collapses and when they are revived they are healed.

The pressure of the hand on my face woke me. I had tears in my eyes and the song continued to repeat in my mind.

“Who says truth is beauty after all? And who says love should break us when we fall?”

Considerations

I lingered in bed a while with full understanding of the dream’s lesson. It is difficult to explain, but the Knowing was there and that in itself is enough. 

It is clear to me that my friend’s father was visiting me, helping me to see what I had been unable to on my own. While he was alive I always kept my guard up around him. I liked him as a person, but there was a distance between us, one I created more than he did. I see how I do this with most everyone in my life, never truly letting others in. There are a few who do get let in, like my friend from the above dream, but it is rare that I ever let down my defenses completely. I could see clearly how I let down my defenses with my friend more than with any other friend in my life since or before. 

No wonder I’m so tired of life. It is exhausting to hold myself up, to shut out others, when all I want to do is let them in. 

I don’t know how to change how I am, or if I should. Maybe the right person/people will come along and press a magic button and I will feel like I did in my dream? Only once has someone been able to penetrate my defenses but not for long. It was a shock, that’s for sure, but also something marvelous. That 100% vulnerable feeling is the most beautiful feeling! But this damn human part of me shut it all done at the first sign of “danger”. 

If I am to be like the river, then I must move forward without dragging the past behind me. No more lingering on “why?”, forever trapped by currents long past. 

Pain and suffering results only when we cling to what was or to what might’ve been, seeking to keep always those moments long past which brought us pleasure, while rejecting those less than pleasurable moments that are or might be. 

These are the 8 winds of Buddhism of which my guides continually remind me. 

This dream was meant to help me to see how I hold onto the past – both the pain and the pleasure of it. It was also meant to show me how life has molded me into what I am and to teach me to not judge myself, but flow in acceptance. 

It is reassuring to know that despite all the reasons I have to fortify the massive wall I’ve built around myself, the wall can come down. It just takes the right person/energy/moment. 

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The 4th Line: White Hats Doing Black Work

I’m always learning something new in Human Design. Today, it is about the 4th line.

My family is filled with 4th lines (Opportunists), mostly on the body/subconscious level (second part of the profile). For example, my mom, brother, both my sons, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, nephews (two of them), other brother-in-law, older sister and my cousin (her husband) all have a 4th line in their profile type. There is a mixture of profiles among them, as I mentioned, with 2/4 (7 total!) being the most common, followed by 4/6 and then 1/4 and finally 4/1.

Overall, I find the 4th line easy to get along with, especially the 2/4 version. Of course, that’s because I have a 2nd line and can understand anyone else who has a 2nd line. Up until, today, I hadn’t considered the 4th line much at all, but after reading a quote by Ra, I am finally seeing what I failed to see before.

Here is the quote:

The 4 has this extraordinary pressure on them to give the right foundation to the other. What so often happens with the not-self, and this is something that is historical, is that you have so many human beings that are influenced into movements, sects, whatever it may be, that is not, in fact, of any value to them. Because the force that is bringing them to it only cares that they embrace the foundation. Not necessarily that the foundation is good for them.

White Hats Doing Black Work

I had this discussion the other day with a friend of mine, talking about what it really means to be somebody who wears a white hat and does black work. These are the beings that I have absolutely no respect for, I watch them with a combination of horror and dismay. The emotional therapist who is working with an unemotional teenager; the ego motivator working with the undefined ego being and not knowing what they are doing, not knowing what their effect is going to be on the other; that not-self 4 who will constantly, through their own life, look for some kind of foundation to influence others with. That’s what they’re here for, after all.

Of course, they’re not correct, and they enter into whatever it is incorrectly and take on a foundation that isn’t necessarily of any value to them, let alone to anybody else. But it is their role in this life; it is the pressure that is there at the mystical level to influence the other with that foundation. And they have a gift: they can sell sand to desert people. They have a gift as long as they know them. We have an enormous confusion of spiritual, mystical and religious ways, there are so many of them out there. There are so many beings who have been brought to and held in mystical foundations that are of no value to them; none.

I’ve mentioned that story before. I remember the first time that I taught in Los Angeles. I had the people who organized it put an ad in one of these publications. It was one of these monthly publications that have about 800 pages, and 60 and 70 different entries on a page. It was unbelievable. I collapsed into hysterical laughter. There are so many different foundations that have been sold out there. And that the good shepherds—ah, bless their hearts, white hats, black souls—the good shepherds are out there holding them to it, reinforcing and maintaining their connection through their networking. When you think of opportunism in this way as a not-self, you can blame that mystical 4 for everything. You can lay every lump of crap you want on it, poor things. It’s not their fault, after all.

It’s a beautiful gift; I appreciate the good shepherd. I think that it’s a wonderful thing when the foundation is legitimate. And I’m not just saying, ok, this is Human Design—it’s not about that. That 4 that enters into its process correctly as itself will take on a foundation that is legitimate for it, a foundation that it can influence others with. There is the potential always for correctness. But what a pressure it is on them, what an enormous pressure. The community of Human Design—the moment I leave this plane, and sooner or later the bus is going to show up—when I leave this plane, it will be 4’s that will maintain the foundation. It isn’t to say that the other lines aren’t going to have their “this or that” with it, that’s not the point. It will be the 4’s that will say, “Well, this is the way it was done and we’re not going to change it.” And I’ll be very grateful if they do their job well, because there are already mad, crazy, stupid people out there who think that they know better than the Voice, and it’s outrageous. However, life is what it is.

But it’s really something to grasp; we need our good shepherds. We need, within the community of our work those that will have this influence, who will be able to influence others in a network of familiarity and bond them in this process. For the growth of Human Design anyway, it is only when people begin to experience the community of Human Design and what it means to be in a community with others who are aware, that the real transcendent value of this knowledge, far beyond what it does for any individual, will actually become evident. This will be on the back of the 4’s, and there is not a lot of time to set that foundation. There is about 120 years, something like that. It’s enough time. All the 4’s that are born before 2027, for as long as they live will carry what’s left of this whole mystical process, and this ability to bring their influence to others.

So, whenever you meet a 4 that’s interested in Human Design you make nice with them, do a very good job with them, teach them well, and give them a really good foundation. Whenever I have a 4 for a reading I always make sure I add little extras, just to make sure they grasp how profound this foundation is because it’s all they’re looking for in life, and it’s not conscious. If they’re going to operate correctly, they are going to resonate to precisely the right foundation for them to export; that’s their job. “

Here is what stands out to me the most:

“[t]hat not-self 4 who will constantly, through their own life, look for some kind of foundation to influence others with”.

This is my sister and her husband in a nutshell. I will focus on my sister because I know her better, though. As a 1/4 she has always been social, always been one to navigate towards groups, always had people around her. She never cared what group it was, only that she was part of it. If new to a group, she would intentionally seek out others, befriend them, create a little “clan” and stick with them as long as possible. She pulled me into such a group when I lived near her. When I pulled away, she took it personally and she continues to try and pull me back, but it doesn’t work. She is “afflicted” with a desire to influence another and she doesn’t care particularly what the result is, just as long as she gets to influence. Take away that influence and she becomes restless, grumpy and sometimes mean/nasty. I’ve seen her influence in groups that suited her (teacher), and I’ve seen her influence in groups that didn’t (all drug related). She has a tendency to want to please the group to have more influence over it, so she typically does whatever everyone else does in the group, then, later, uses her role in the group to achieve something, and ethics and morals don’t really seem to matter to her (black work).

“[they] can sell sand to desert people”.

This part is so true! I’ve seen this trait especially with those whose personality part of their profile is 4: 4/1 and 4/6. My BIL, his son and my SIL fall into this category. They are masters of persuasion! My BIL is a 4/6 and a Manifestor. His ability to persuade those in his group is almost as high as my own husband’s (3/5 MG). Mostly, though, he is best when it is his idea he is seeking others to agree with – trademark of a Manifestor. His power over others comes in his certainty that he is right and will do it with or without their agreement. Yet he has learned that he must inform, first, and when he does, he easily persuades them into agreement.

My SIL is a 4/1 and her entire Beingness is about bringing people into her group, pulling them in with her magnetism and offering them what she can provide. Her persuasiveness comes with the library of knowledge and wealth of experience she has in her particular line of work. She built up her foundation and it is solid. Others recognize this and come to her. She doesn’t even have to try, they just come.

Both of these family members are following their strategy and authority. The only time I witness the not-self (white hats doing black work) is when someone refuses to be persuaded. My SIL turns into a lawyer, cross-examining you and making you feel wrong or somehow faulty for not seeing her rightness. My BIL just gets this blank look on his face and you can feel the strength of his repellant aura full-on.

I see this with my sister (1/4), also, but to a lesser degree. She is very convincing no matter what it is she is trying to sell. However, she doesn’t recognize this about herself and there is a huge lack of confidence. If her tactics don’t work and the Other doesn’t take the bait, she goes into full-on tantrum mode. I’ve seen her go through an entire range of emotions in her desperation to change my mind. She will go into rage, then blame, then tears, then passivity and “you’re right”, etc, all in an attempt to influence my decision. When it doesn’t work she will give up, but not without making sure I know how bad my decision is. The more drugs have become her life, the smaller her group and influence, and the more psychotic her tantrums as a result.

Overall, I don’t particularly enjoy the company of conscious 4th lines as much as unconscious ones. They are way to extroverted for my hermit side, exhausting me quickly. If I do not join their group the feeing is immediate rejection. My SIL becomes intolerable and tries to make me wrong or guilty (this is the SIL who lives in Costa Rica). I’m grateful that she accepted my need for alone time and even encouraged it at times (but only to the extent that I agreed to be part of her group). My BIL is hard to read (Manifestor) and the only time I don’t feel repelled by him is when I “join” him, whether as part of a group in agreement to his group’s “rules” or just in agreement with his ideas/intentions.

I can tolerate unconscious 4th lines like my sister (she’s a 1/4) but without the 2nd line to moderate their extroversion, they can demand way too much of me for too long. I have to retreat from them, also, in order to manage my energy levels. It can be hard not to fall victim to their persuasion, especially when they are an older sibling. My sister loves to make me feel guilty for needing to retreat into hermit mode. I spent much of my younger years struggling against her persuasive pull and my own need for alone time. Ultimately, I was/am able to say no and resist her, but she has never accepted my hermit side and remains highly critical of me.

The older I get, the less tolerant I am of those who try to pressure (influence) me from within a group. Groups can’t be avoided (I wish), but I can opt out, and I do. I only agree to be influenced in an attempt to mitigate the tension I feel from them while I am around them. I will “play” their social game for a short period and then retreat. I use to be more inclined to play along in my youth, but now, not so much. Thankfully, those 4’s I most associate with the most (2/4’s) accept me as I accept them. We have an “understanding”. 🙂

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HD Exploration: Gate 59-6, Melancholy and the Individual Channel of Inspiration

Not long ago – maybe two months now? – I went through a period of time where I was very sexual, or “in the mood”, more than I usually am. It lasted quite a while, maybe two weeks. My husband was very pleased because my normal sex drive has me in the mood maybe once a month, if that. Honestly, if my husband wasn’t as persistent as he is, three months or more would go by without me even thinking about sex. I’m just not interested anymore. 

During this odd occurrence, there was a post in one of my HD FB groups mentioning a transit that might contribute to some experiencing higher than normal sexual urges. Not a coincidence I’m sure! The reason for the sexual shift had to do with the channel of “mating”. Ha! I don’t normally have this channel activated. It have a hanging gate and my husband has the exact hanging gate. So, when together, our auras do not complete the circuit and that activation is not available to us. 

This is what the post said:

The 59-6 Channel of Mating is in the transit until Aug 26th, creating intense sexual emotional waves across the population.

There was an image showing the channels of the transit creating this effect but I couldn’t access it. 

The hanging gate I have is 59:

Gate 59 – Dispersion
Gate of Sexuality – Bonding and Intimacy Beyond Words
The ability to break down barriers to achieve union. The potential energy for a deep and fertile connection with the other resulting in a life creating union.

Gate 6 is missing from my chart AND I have a completely open Solar Plexus. So, in order to complete the circuit, I either have to find someone who has the entire gate (activated) or someone with a hanging 6. 

Gate 6 – Conflict
Gate of Friction – Feeling, Emoting, and Sensitivity
The fundamental design component of progress. The law that growth cannot exist without friction. The energy for producing life itself.

I have my own suspicions about this channel based upon my experiences. It isn’t the only sexual channel, but when I’ve met someone who has the other hanging gate and, together, we complete that circuit, sparks fly. I’ve not been able to do the charts of everyone I’ve connected with (physical or spiritually) but I think this channel is responsible for magnifying the K experiences I had with one individual in particular. He had the other hanging gate, completing the circuit for both of us. I suspect, for him, the effects were just as powerful and surprising as they were for me. I only wish that the above mentioned transit had created the same connection with my husband, but it didn’t even come close. 😦

Connection Chart – me and the individual mentioned above. The completed circuit is circled in black. You can see my hanging Gate 59 where it connects to his hanging Gate 6.

If you can remember, did you notice a shift in your sex drive during this transit back at the end of August? If so, please share!

Kundalini

There are other reasons for my lack of sex drive, but the biggest, most significant reason is the Kundalini. I’ve written about it before, but for those who’ve not experienced the erotic, blissful, sexually intense, orgasmic energy of the K, you might assume I’m making excuses, using the K as a reason to avoid a relationship issue that, for most, is HUGE. My husband assumes this, so I don’t hold it against you if you do think this way. 

Because I care about my husband and his own sexual “needs” (I honestly don’t think they are a need, but I won’t go into that right now), I do try and accommodate him as much as I can. The problem is, when we do have sex, my experience is down right pathetic. My body reaches orgasm but it is almost imperceptible compared to what my body is capable of achieving. It reminds me of when I was on antidepressants and I haven’t taken those is over two decades. 

The thing is, during those two weeks, this issue was nonexistent and prior to that it was not this bad, but since the two week period it is like my body is just numb. Everything is muted. So, where I was not interested before but could at least enjoy sex, now it is pointless to even try. 

I wouldn’t be concerned except that it was nice during those two weeks. I felt “normal” again and, though it was nothing like my dreams or my K experiences, it was better than nothing. Now I’m left wondering if I need to visit a doctor and get my hormone levels checked.

The only thing is, when I dream, this issue is nonexistent. If anything, the more sexual “dysfunction” there is in my physical boy, the more amazing my spiritual experiences get. 

Depression

I have also been very depressed for a few weeks now. Like below my normal low mood state. I’ve been so disinterested in life that I’ve thought I should go get some help, maybe get back on antidepressants. My husband would never allow for that, but I’m really tired of feeling blah all the time. I’ve looked online for someone who specializes in transpersonal therapy but have yet to find anyone that feels like a match. The one time I sent an email to a local person that seemed to good to be true, she never replied.

My guidance has been close, also, pointing out that I have unresolved issues from my past related to my heart connection and the debilitating pain that forced me to completely disconnect from my heart center in order to cope. Without help, though, I don’t know how to work through and heal this pain. My guidance reassures me that help is being provided. Since nothing has come to my attention in my waking life, it must all be happening in dreamtime. 

What I have concluded is that I am working through repetitive responses to the same pain in other lifetimes. The repetitive responses have been – kill myself or lose interest in life and die feeling unfulfilled and numb. So far, I’ve avoided the killing myself part at least, which at the time of the debilitating pain, felt much too close for comfort! I’m currently struggling with the second tendency.

The lesson is an extremely difficult one. I can see clearly now why my heart connection did what he did. He was very much a catalyst, not only for the K, but also for putting me on this all too familiar path. I am suppose to pick myself up by the bootstraps and move on with my life, to take the experience and transform/transmute it. 

Currently, I am faced with the numbness – physical, emotional and spiritual. My dreams are my only reprieve, but when I inspect what few memories remain, the numbness is a relief in comparison! I wake up begging to be freed from this prison (life in this body). My guides have challenged me to stop requesting it, to control my thoughts regarding such requests. My request will not be granted. So far, I’m doing better but it is very hard when I wake up feeling so discouraged day in and day out. 

In regards to my feeling discouraged, trapped, stuck – all the time – there is a reason for this, also. Sure, there is a past life karmic reason, but there is also a design reason (as in Human Design). 

Melancholy and the Individual Channel of Inspiration

I’ve always tended toward melancholy. Interestingly, it is written all over my HD profile. My only defined channel, the 1-8, is an individual channel. This is what it means to be individually defined in HD:

People with individual channels are primarily interested in themselves and acoustically oriented. They are often freaks and cannot be labeled. It is most difficult for them to get integrated into society, into groups and tribes, because they are lone wolves and need to spend much time alone, not influenced by the masses. They are so to speak the agents of evolution, who should bring something new, a mutation to the collective and society to ensure the survival and development of the human race.

They don’t like at all to be told what they should do, and thus they are uncontrollable and “deaf” to the influence of others. The reason for that is that they should bring fresh wind to the dusty old things, instead of perishing in the homogenized world.

Their being is accompanied by the deep melancholy that is the foundation for creativity and innovation, as long as they don’t give any reasons to this melancholy and don’t try to avoid and evade it. Melancholy is often accompanied by the feeling of not moving forward in their lives, of being stuck and that nothing moves in their life. When people with individual channels allow themselves to share this melancholy and to accept the permanently recurring limitation, then they can access their power and bring creative and mutative empowerment to the society and the collective.

Source: https://humandesignsystem.co/en/36-channels-of-the-human-design-chart/

The bold parts are me in a nutshell. I struggle to see how melancholy is the foundation of creativity and innovation, though. For me, my depression doesn’t seem to lead me anywhere but to the same; therefore, I feel stuck all.the.time and am plagued by a strange restlessness that is only lessened when I get out of my mind. This is mentioned above, too – “as long as they don’t give any reasons to this melancholy and don’t try and avoid or evade it.” I’m working on this part and slowly getting better at it, but it is difficult!

When I had my HD Foundation reading, my wonderful analyst, a 5/1 Mental Projector, was very nice about giving me the “bad news” related to my design. Despite her putting a positive spin on everything, ie. my design is “very specific”, I’m “special” and have a very “defined purpose”, I could perceive her deep sympathy for the down-sides of my design. I could almost hear her thinking, “I’m glad I’m not her.” 

The truth is, I’m meant to walk this life alone in my melancholy. Few people will call me out to share my wisdom and even fewer will acknowledge and truly “see” me. On top of all this limitation, those that do call me out, will seek to possess me and keep me for themselves, desperately clinging to whatever it is they feel I can give them. So I end up feeling deeply rejected by almost everyone and then, when I finally feel hope at being seen, when I’m finally called out, I find myself desperate to get away from the clutches of a person who fails to truly see me. So often in relationships I end up fighting against the cords of attachment, wanting only freedom to be myself without the constant expectations and projections of the Other. 

Recently, I’ve realized that even those who I think truly do see me – don’t. Currently, I think my mother comes the closest to truly seeing me, but then she has had my whole life to do so. When I have been “seen” by others, I find they only see those parts that suit them and what they are seeking. Therefore, the sense of being seen is short-lived and when it passes, I am left feeling once again unseen and the other ends up blaming me for their inability to posses me. I am labeled and stored in their minds, put on a shelf and forgotten.

Here is something I found online that explains the 1-8 channel very well:

This is a Life Force that can shine out in it’s individual expression in such a unique way you can stand out in any crowd.

It makes you incomparable. Whether it is through your beautiful artistic expressions or your eccentric peculiarities, you are designed to embody who you are in everything you do.

There is only one way for you in this life and that’s your way. People can be deeply impressed with your ability to live differently to others. You can be such an inspiration to others by simply being you and doing things in your own way. You can help empower others to do things in their own way and break out from the homogenization that currently infects human behavior.

This is not an energetically powerful Life Force. You are not designed to show your difference until you are invited to do so. 

It’s important not to try to push your way onto others. You are here to present yourself to others in a way they can accept your mutative and new contribution. You can be a trendsetter because of your uncommon style and attractive manner.

Your natural ability to present may develop into solo performances if you have dancing, musical or acting abilities. Yes, you may have to train with others but you will soon stand out as someone special and once you are the solo star everyone can admire your unique style.

TOP TIP: Trying to dance to someone else’s tune or fitting yourself into behaving in a way that does not suit who you are will be intolerable to you. Whatever they’re paying you it won’t be enough!

Another thing to bear in mind, is that you are going to have to go through a process of learning how to communicate with all kinds of people. This is not in-built with this Life Force and unless you have other Life Forces in your chart that can compensate, you will probably have to learn the hard way.

Your presentations will always be unique to you. Weird and eccentric can get you noticed, but if you wish to live an expanded life, then you need to wait to be invited for your moment to speak or show others what you can do. You can be so amazing, but you are also an ‘acquired taste’. Not everyone likes fresh new ways of being and those who are deeply traditional are unlikely to appreciate you. You have a strong sense of identity but you become bolder and truer when others are encouraging because they are delighted by you.

If you lead by example, others may follow you, but you won’t be leading them, you’ll simply be yourself. You may mix modalities in an unusual and creative way if you are an alternative health practitioner, you may have a quirky voice that makes you a fortune as a performer, you may bake cakes that are so incredible that a company forms around you and a whole new specialist business comes into manifestation.

If you’re not being recognized for you uniqueness, then you are either in reaction to some past trauma that has conditioned you into being a recluse, or you are simply in the wrong place around the wrong people for you. Source: Reddit.com 

So, it seems, there is no escaping how and who I am. I am this way on purpose. This body, its design, is purposeful. The sooner I accept it, the better. It is a hard pill to swallow!

References:

Bunnell, Lynda and Ra Uru Hu. (2011). The definitive book of human design. Carlsbad, CA. HDC Publishing.


 


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My Mercury Retrograde Problems

Thank God Mercury is no longer retrograde!

If you think it nonsense, that’s okay. Most of the time, for me, Mercury retrograde doesn’t put a dent in my life. This time around, however (and last time), I wanted to wave my white flag and plead, “Mercy!” 

Dates of Mercury retrograde in 2021:

January 30 to February 20
May 29 to June 22
September 27 to October 17

I can’t recall any issues the first go round. If there were, they were minor enough that I didn’t notice. 

In June, when Mercury last went retrograde, my work computer abruptly died – hard drive failure. I lost everything that wasn’t saved to our server. This was right at the tail-end of the retrograde, too. No biggie really because I was heading to Costa Rica and wasn’t going to do any work that first week anyway. I don’t remember any other glitches from that time. 

This most recent retrograde has been non-stop issues. The issues started before retrograde and just kept going! Here is a list of what I remember (I may have missed some minor hiccups):

  • My company had an email outage at work in early September (before retrograde) that resulted in three weeks of important emails going to my junk folder. I only discovered it last-minute (Sept 30th) and had to hurry up and enter 50+ invoices into the monthly spreadsheet I’d already created. Despite several corrections, the emails kept going to junk. It has only just now seemly resolved on its own.
  • My remote connection set-up had to be reconfigured around this time, too (can’t recall why) and this put a pause in my work but it was short-lived. 
  • Server outage mid-retrograde resulted in an inability to work for several days. As the server was being replaced, the internet went out and caused a delay in server replacement. It was like my computer crashed all over again – all programs had to be uploaded again and I had to wait for certain important programs because of delays.
  • My remote connection suddenly stopped working again(this was last weekend). Nothing our IT guy did worked. I was forced to go into the office to get my tasks done. Only yesterday was the problem resolved. Apparently a Norton and Windows update that happened at the same time created the problem. 
  • Internet outages at work all through the retrograde. Some lasting only hours, some lasting days. 

Apart from the above work issues, I also had other hiccups, also computer/technology related.

  • My daughter had $20 and asked me to buy her an online expansion pack for The Sims 4 (her favorite game). I bought the pack only to discover I had to buy it via her account, not mine and she couldn’t access it. So, I ended up on the phone for a long while waiting to talk to some guy from India who I could barely understand in order to get a credit. In the end, it worked out, but not without a lot of cussing and upset. 
  • My daughter wanted a Halloween costume only found online. She showed me where to buy it and when I clicked the final button it showed the wrong shipping address! Oddly, when I paid with PayPal it used an address from over 7 years ago!! The website had no way to edit or cancel the order so I had to wait on the phone for over 30 minutes to talk to a customer service rep who was brand new at her job. She kept typing in my address wrong but eventually the address was changed and the costumed arrived yesterday without issue. She is going to be Queen Elizabeth II.
  • At lunch, just yesterday, when I paid I added a $2 tip only to discover on the final screen that somehow I gave a $200 tip! OMG! LOL Thankfully, it was an easy fix, but geez! This happened in the “shadow” of Mercury retrograde.

I’m not sure why this retrograde was so eventful but, where once I just shrugged off Mercury retrograde, now I’m paying closer attention. The lesson, for me, has been to take it all in stride. I was driven to frustration and even tears from some of the issues I encountered, but every time things worked out. 

Anyone else experience significant retrograde effects? Please share so I don’t feel so unfairly targeted. 😉