Author Archives

by

Dream Message: Let Her Think She’s in Control

As our trip to Costa Rica grows closer, I keep falling into worry mode and have to pull myself out of it time and time again. It is tiring. I don’t understand why I have to turn every new situation or adventure into a worry-fest. Just the thought of being out of my comfort zone and I fall right into the mind-muck. The source is expectation, of course. I want to know what is going to happen. I want my efforts to have a reward that is worthwhile. So often I take a “risk” and end up with little to no reward and many times a definitive, “I shouldn’t have done that.” 

What do I expect out of this trip? I have no idea. At the least I would like to feel rested, revived, and cleared of the mind muck. I suspect since I will be around my husband and kids that this will not be the end result. I will likely be more tired at the end of the 10 days. If I stay behind then maybe I will be able to recover and obtain some semblance of what I am seeking. Maybe I will get more than that? Maybe not. The thing is, I just won’t know until I do it. 

My biggest worry is I won’t get any sleep. When I travel, I tend to struggle to get good sleep. If I have to share a room or bed with someone then no sleep is guaranteed, at least for a few nights until I crash from exhaustion. Interestingly enough, when we went to Montana last December I slept wonderfully. Similarly, when my family visited Corpus Christi years ago and we all shared a room, I also slept well. So there are exceptions to the sleep issue. I have struggled with sleep so much that I’ve pretty much just resigned myself to the fact that I will have problems. My way of coping is to just wait it out, even if it means I don’t fall asleep until after 3am. It took years of insomnia to finally get to this point, though. YEARS. So, I just hope for the best and if the worst happens, I suck it up and deal.

My best hope for the trip is that it will make a positive, lasting impression on me and the people I meet. I would love to find that “spark” of belonging and acceptance that comes along so very rarely in my life. I would love to feel some purpose again, to be invited to share my gifts and connect with others at a deep, spiritual level. 

My SIL practices Gestalt Equine Therapy. If you are unaware of what Gestalt Therapy is, it is a type of psychotherapy that has no real defined process. The horse provides the person with a kind of acceptance and grace that allows the person to relax and reach deep within to uncover issues. Gestalt Therapy works from the present NOW moment, also. 

I am not particularly drawn to this therapy and am not a horse lover, really. I use to love horses when I was a child, though. I drew them all.the.time and was fascinated especially with mares and foals. I also loved My Little Pony, so there you go. lol So, who know, maybe some healing will happen while there? I am not too happy with my SIL being my therapist, though. I don’t want her sharing my stuff with my husband. Hopefully she practices client confidentiality! 

Messages

I did a tarot spread a few days ago asking about how this trip will turn out. In general, it was positive, but there was no definitive answer other than advice to be careful about what decision I make.

First card – the present, where I am now – Movement, Choices, Decisions. It indicates that I am in a period of decision and movement. I am contemplating changes and wanting to move forward.

Second card – what is behind me – Stand Your Ground. I have stood my ground, not wavering and keeping firm boundaries. I have not given up control or compromised myself or my convictions. 

Third card – what lies ahead – Material Harvest – That which I have worked hard for will be rewarded. This card is about physical harvest – money, finances, material things. The 9 is about endings and wrapping things up. Finality. 

Fourth card – Hope – This card is about looking to the future and having hope that things will work out. It mentions how my Light will guide others toward me and encourages me to share my truth and journey with others.

Final card/answer – Choose Wisely – Many options and opportunities are available. Do not choose hastily but make a wise decision. Take your time to select the best option. Seek advice from those you trust. 

The same day I got a message from the Bible.

From the NIV:  Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.

Dream Message

Woke up from a dream that made me feel a bit nervous about what is to come. 

In the dream I was in a car (life path) driving (feeling in control) along a mountain road (difficult route). The radio (mental noise) was bothering me so I went to turn it off. The knobs I tried didn’t work, though, and a static sound with random words replaced the music that had previously been playing. The sounds bothered me. It made my mind feel strained and disrupted my focus on the road ahead. I frantically tried the last knob, clicking it off, but the sound remained.

Then, as I looked ahead, my vision was impaired (unable to see clearly, seeking clarity). It was like I was getting a migraine – tiny blurry blobs and random color spots appeared and made it hard to see the road and other cars. I do remember seeing a red car drive by and recognized I was in the left lane. There was a guardrail (safety) on my left and I could see rocky cliffs below and steep mountain all around. I could see parts of the road ahead but my view kept being interrupted by the blurry blobs of color. 

I gripped the steering wheel and kept telling myself to trust the process. I also told myself that I would be okay and other words of encouragement. I Knew that I would make it to my destination unharmed. I Knew that even if I fell asleep I would be okay and the car would continue on the path without running off the road or into another driver.

I think I saw storm clouds on the horizon and rain but I couldn’t be sure. Were the spots in my vision rain drops on the windshield or something else? I blinked but the spots remained.

As I woke up I heard a male voice say, “Let her think she’s in control.” 

Upon waking I was upset to hear the message and I began to think the worst of my immediate future. The message reminded me that no matter what I do, I won’t go anywhere unless my HS wants me to. I might feel like I am paving my own path, but I’m not. It is all a sham to make me feel I am in control. I’m never in control. So, of course, I began to feel like Costa Rica was one of those instances. It is just something to keep me occupied as I wait out the long road ahead. It is just another distraction, like giving the child in the back seat a video game because they are fidgety and asking, “Are we there yet?” over and over again. 

I thought of other trips and “distractions” in my life. Some were okay but mostly they just kept me occupied, focused on something else for a while, seeking something but not sure what. I thought of how my guides often advise me to, “Enjoy the ride”, meaning, do things I am interested in, curious about or enjoy while I wait for the next milestone. Problem is, I rarely enjoy the ride. I just cringe to think of how many more miles I have to endure it. 

My guidance interjected with, “Maybe you should try focusing on helping others for a while?” I understood the suggestion. I do feel much better when I focus on others. When I help others, I help myself. This has always been true. I give advice and I hear it as advice for myself, also. I pass on a message in a reading and also relate to it. I give Reiki and I, too, receive it. It is an amazing thing. Perhaps while in Costa Rica I will be invited to use my gifts to help others? That would be okay with me.

Eventually, I just got up and accepted my fate. I am going to Costa Rica. All the obstacles have been removed that can be for now. I may not be 100% interested in the trip, but it will keep me occupied, maybe for quite some time. And who knows, maybe I will experience some authentic healing along the way? I know that doing the same stuff all the time won’t get me any results.

I started my day thinking, “I need to ‘do the work'”.

My Destination

For those of you curious about where I am heading, here is a link to my SIL’s website – Horse Spirit Healing. The ranch is called Resonance Ranch and is located in Cabuya Costa Rica.

While I am away, my connection to the world will be limited. Internet is available but my US wireless phone service does not work there and I am not planning on getting a local wireless number and plan. I will likely use WhatsApp to communicate with people in the states as well as other forms of social media like Facebook and Instagram. I don’t know yet how reliable the internet is. Will I be able to work remotely if I decide to stay? I just won’t know until I get there. If I stay for any significant length of time (my visa will be for 90 days) then I may purchase a wireless phone plan for $8.95USD/month but it is not necessary as WhatsApp provides all that is needed phone-wise. I still have to download it, though. lol

I may or may not do updates via my blog. We will see what happens. 🙂

by

LYD Zoom FAIL and Info on Authority

Attended the Living Your Design (LYD) Zoom meeting and was quite disappointed. First, there were a total of 18 participants! So the group was too big IMO for any kind of meaningful, connected discussion to occur. The majority of the participants were young, also, which created a completely different vibe, one I was not thrilled about. As a teacher, the group reminded me of my elementary aged students – ages 6 or so. When I would ask a question, every.single.student would raise their hands, most of them rising out of their seats, and all of them saying, “Me, me, me! I know! I know!” This is what the attendance energy was like. I could feel from all of them how desperate they were for one-on-one attention. And when they were called upon, they eagerly took up way too much time talking about themselves, going on tangents or asking multiple questions.

Part of the group dynamics and this “desperate to be heard” feeling came from the fact that the majority of the attendees were Projector types. Why would this be? Well, Projectors have to “wait for the invitation” and, as you can imagine, the waiting can be difficult to endure. So, to be in a group where an invitation is assumed allows the Projector to speak their truth. This is what they have been waiting for!!! So, yeah, lots of very eager beavers, all ready to speak their truth which they’ve been holding in for what feels like forever. Then both facilitators were also Projectors, ha! They loved sharing their charts the most. Ugh. You may wonder, “Weren’t you eager, too?” Not really. I may have spoken if requested but I was not feeling it. I felt like observing and that was what I did. I learned a long time ago that group invitation has its limits, too, and most are not truly open to what I have to say. They will really only listen if what I say is about them and serves to guide them in some way.

Second, the first 2 hours was a review of the course and full of repetitive questions by people who either weren’t in attendance for the original question or were wasting their time in the chat room, not paying attention to the actual class (OMG so annoying!). Why they had the chatroom open, IDK, but the amount of notifications I was getting was distracting. It was obvious some of the students knew each other and they were chatting about personal topics related to HD but not related to what was currently being discussed. As a teacher, seeing the chat going on while the teacher was teaching, was a big trigger to me. It screamed disrespect.

The last three hours was meant to discuss authority specifically. Again, the students were eager beavers and the amount of time that was spent on emotional, splenic and sacral authority was ridiculous. To give you an example, when Splenic authority was the topic, I went downstairs to eat lunch and folded an entire load of laundry and they were STILL talking about it! I got up again and did more stuff and came back and they finally moved on from it. I would say they spent a total of 30 minutes just on that authority. There was only 2 hours total to focus on all the different authorities, too!

I waited patiently throughout because I wanted to hear about G-Center authority specifically. I didn’t want to talk or share or any of that really. In fact, I would have been horribly embarrassed had they called on me specifically. I just wanted to hear more on it and if a question came to me I would ask it. What ended up happening was that so many in the group were of the most common authority types (emotional, sacral and splenic) that by the time it got to G-Center the time had run out and the facilitators decided, “We will save that for the next Zoom.” UGH!!!! I won’t be in that one because I will be in Costa Rica!!

Sure, I could’ve left the meeting at any time and I did take breaks and shut off my video for most of it. When I tuned into my authority to see what I should do, I felt like there was nothing pressing going on that needed my attention and so I might as well stay. So that’s what I did. 

I was thoroughly frustrated with the experience in the end. In my observation of the participants and their behavior, I saw that most were fascinated with this new “toy” they had found and eager to share and explore it. They wanted to talk with their friends about it and do what children do with new toys. This mirrors the FB groups I’m in. All very young (20’s-early 30’s) and self-absorbed. It’s newness will eventually wear off and when they are asked to actually “do the work” a good half or more will fall away, distracted by another new “toy” that promises to give them all the answers and show them the way. I want to scream at all of them and say, “YOU have to do the work! HD is a tool. It is not meant to tell you what to do! It is not a fast track. There IS NO fast track!” 

The types of questions they were asking indicated they were looking for an answer to fix everything that is “wrong” with themselves. They all wanted a quick fix. Who doesn’t? But HD isn’t that. 

What is interesting, is that toward the end of his life, Ra Uru Hu expressed similar frustrations with people who came to him. They wanted him to tell them what to do. He got so exasperated that he eventually stopped engaging with people like that and called them on it. WTG Ra! I had similar concerns when I gave readings full-time. Too often people wanted me to tell them what to do, to make life decisions for them. It really turned me off to the point that I started putting limits on psychic readings. My rule was, “Don’t come back for another reading on the same topic until it has been 6 months.” I kept records, too, just because so many would come back and ask the SAME questions!!!

There was this guy, I will call him, “Splenic guy” because he was thoroughly obsessed with his splenic authority and had tons of questions, most that were really off topic and had no relevance to the class. He was called on at least four times throughout the class and each time he took up so much time that I ended up walking away from the computer each time because I couldn’t take it. When he got an answer it wasn’t good enough. Why? Because they were telling him he had to learn on his own. They didn’t give him the quick fix he wanted. Sigh. 

The good news is I learned a lot about the authorities. 

Solar Plexus (emotional) authority – “The longer you wait, the sweeter it tastes”. Don’t rush into things. Take your time. Ride the emotional wave. This means let the emotion go through all it’s stages until you are back to a settled, “flat” emotional feeling. Only then do you make a decision. This means that when something really tasty and wonderful comes along, wait it through to the end, when that tastiness is just a comfortable part of the experience and not a “woah, I want more of that!’. Only then do you move forward with a decision. Do I want this? If yes, do it. If no, don’t.

A good example – My mom is emotional authority. My sister blocked her on FB when she found out my mom supported Trump and didn’t take Covid seriously. My mom was very hurt and crying when she came to me and for my mom, who rarely shows her emotions, this was a big deal. She said she was going to take my sister out of her will. I advised her to wait a bit before doing anything drastic and reminded her to focus on the love she felt instead. I advised that she may make a decision she regretted otherwise. 

Sacral Authority – this is an easy one. You will get a “yes” or “no” response from your sacral. It is pretty obvious if you are not in your mind all the time and second-guessing it. If you ignore a “no” and do something anyway, be prepared to suddenly find yourself exhausted or struggling to find energy to follow through. 

Good example of this: My husband is sacral authority. He tends to say yes to everything (he has an open heart center, also) and rather than change his mind and pull out, he follows through no matter what. The result is he finds himself unusually tired for no reason, taking naps mid-day and struggling to find the energy to do things. When he does things he enjoys, however, he has endless energy. So, I try to encourage him to do those things instead, but he just can’t say no to certain people. His Not-Self wins too often.

Splenic Authority – Most common Projector authority BTW. This one is a split second response of “yes” or “no”. It is very easy to miss because the “voice” is really quiet. The Spleen responds “in the moment” and can change from moment to moment. So the response is for the present moment only and so that means in the next moment that response could change. So, at 1pm you may get a “yes” to go to that party but at 5pm, while at the party, you may get the “no” response. The problem is that if you miss the response then it is gone and then you are stuck with a prior one or second-guessing yourself. This could lead you to a not so good result. Maybe you just have a bad time at the party or it could be that you miss another better opportunity that you would have been led to had you listened and followed your authority in the moment.

I’ve got lots of people in my life with this authority and so it was very familiar to me its “changeable” tendencies. My MIL is splenic. OMG she is frustrating sometimes! She is ‘yes, no, yes, no’ in crazy amounts. With her, though, it is because she doubts her splenic response and asks people for advice. Her tendency is to do what others want when her spleen tells her “no”. The end result is that she ends up doing stuff she never should’ve agreed to do. Similarly, my friend really struggled with this when she was younger. I watched her jump around from one thing, place, job, relationship to the next as if she was a yo-yo. Her path looked like a zig-zag and the one thing you could always count on was that she was going to change her mind, probably right in the midst of something. She absolutely hated this about herself, but this is what being Splenic Authority is all about! It’s her Not-Self telling her something is “wrong” with her for bouncing around. What if that is exactly what she is suppose to do? 

Most of the Splenic’s in the group were like my friend. They hated that they were bouncing around and felt guilty for changing their minds. Surely they are doing something wrong, right? Nope. 

Another thing I learned from the abundance of time spent on this authority, is that people with a define Spleen (not necessarily their authority) are more likely to be worried about and waiting for that “life or death situation”. When there is nothing going on and nothing to worry about, they are worrying about the ‘what if’s’ related to survival. They are primarily concerned with survival and so when something survival related comes up, there is a tendency to go into fear. The more defined channels and gates in the Spleen, the more fear response.

I laughed about the survival focus and fear response because my MIL is a perfect example. She will go into a frenzy over the most minor survival related things. For example, the car we let her use needed insurance renewed. She had no money (always the case with her) and she was certain that if she didn’t have insurance she would get in a wreck and “bad” things would happen. She called my husband and harassed him for two weeks, leaving multiple voicemails and even calling me several times, just because she could not stop worrying about the “what if’s” if she let the insurance lapse. The thing is, she had two more weeks before it was due. LOL

My MIL is an extreme example, of course, and a perfect example of what happens when you let your mind rule over your authority. My friend doesn’t do this. She is calm and present in the moment. She is a good example of how to follow her authority. 

What I learned is that I’m very grateful for my G-Center authority. LOL I think the last kind of authority I would want is Splenic. I feel for you guys!! 

Heart (Ego) Authority – this one was covered only slightly. Basically, it is a “yes” or “no” response, also. The warning the facilitators gave is to be very careful of what you commit to because those with Ego authority will feel compelled to follow it through to the end. If they don’t, they will really feel split within. I think the facilitator described the feeling as if a limb were being pulled off his body. lol That’s sounds really awful actually. Someone with an open heart, on the other hand, may make too many commitments and then find out they can’t follow through to the end. They eagerly say ‘yes’ only to discover they don’t want to anymore or just can’t. I have a completely open heart center and I have to say I rarely if ever do this. I usually tell people, “I don’t know. I have to see how I feel when the times comes” when asked to do things. If I do commit, I don’t have an issue pulling out and I rarely feel guilty for doing that. I use to when younger, but not anymore. 

G-Center (Self-Projected )Authority – We never got to this authority in the meeting. This is my authority, though, so I will share what I know and my experience of it. This is ONLY a Projector authority. You won’t have it with any of the other aura types. It is also very rare. My struggle with this authority is that I don’t necessarily know what I want or what makes me happy, so following that usually doesn’t work for me. I have to ask myself how a decision makes me feel. I have learned that if I feel nothing, then it is a neutral result, so I just need to decide if I want to spend energy on whatever it is. Will their be a benefit from it? If not, I don’t do it usually. The thing about this authority is that the BIG life decision are obvious but the little ones are not – at all. And big decisions are rare, like once every 7 years – or more! When a big decision comes along, it feel literally moved toward action in one direction. It’s not something I can resist. The smaller decisions are what G-authorities get stuck on the most (as do I). It can be hard to know what to do or not do at times and usually I do…nothing. It can be frustrating but that is, I’ve found, what works best. I spent way too many years saying yes to things that didn’t appeal to me. I now know that if I don’t like it and my immediately response is “no”, to not do it. Period. The speaking the truth is also an indicator. I often don’t soundboard like is suggested but I literally hear the answer in my mind/body if I don’t speak it, which is the same.

IDK if other G-Centers have this experience, but for me, my HS speaks directly to me. I hear a voice, sometimes audibly, but most times it just “arrives” as if my own thought, out of the blue. It teaches me. It guides me. It gives me info. If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you understand some of it. It is unique, that is for sure. It often tells me my own future, shows me glimpses of it even, and it comes to pass later after I’ve forgotten and I have an OMG moment. It is always surprising me. It never gets old.

Environment (Outer) Authority – This is the authority of a Mental Projector. I don’t know much more than the image indicates here. It is very similar to G-Centered in that speaking to others (soundboard) is helpful but there is a time condition to this in that you speak with others over time to get clarity. The main point of this authority is that you look out into the environment to get your answer. You use others to help get clarity by listening to what you say to them.

Lunar (Moon) Authority – Reflector only authority. This one is pretty self-explanatory. You wait 28 days before making a decision. Sound-boarding is good for this authority, also. I like that this one has a time stamp. I wish mine did!

References:

Bunnell, Lynda and Ra Uru Hu. (2011). The definitive book of human design. Carlsbad, CA. HDC Publishing.

by

Living Your Design Class Reflections

I signed up for the Living Your Design (LYD) class through the person who I received my HD Foundation reading from. She is partnered with another Projector and they teach the intro classes together. I finished it quite quickly because it was mostly review for me. This weekend (tomorrow) is the live Zoom to go over the course content, ask questions and review charts. I plan on attending it but don’t need the review. I’m mostly interested in the question and answer section and chart reviews of participants.

So far, the most interesting tidbit of info that I learned is that Manifestors are not non-energy types as I thought but in fact an energy type like Generators. There are four motors (energy) centers – the solar plexus, the sacral, the root and the heart (see image below). What makes a Manifestor is there is a direct line between the throat and a motor but no sacral definition. Additionally, there are Projectors like this – they have a defined motor and so have a source of energy they can pull from. No Projector will have a defined sacral but there will be those who do have one or more of the other motors defined. Honestly, I don’t think Projectors with a motor should be called that but instead put into their own group, kinda like Manifesting Generators are a subgroup of Generators. This isn’t how it is, though, so maybe I will ask why.

The questions this brings up for me are related to how these types feel energetically. How can I tell via their energy what aura type they are? Similarly, how does the energy of Manifestors and Reflectors feel (or as my teachers says “taste”)? And then, how does this affect the dynamics of the relationship? Will I get along better or worse with Manifestors than Generators? Mostly I just want to know their experience with these energy types. How does the energy feel/taste? How have the dynamics differed?

These questions mostly arise from new data I’ve collected on the people around me. I recently mentioned that I discovered my MIL is a Splenic Projector with a 5/1 profile. Honestly, my MIL drives me crazy and I tend to not like her in general. She is very indecisive and manipulative. She guilt trips her sons into giving her money and can be very passive aggressive. I realize this is her not-self but still it is quite aggravating. Knowing she is a Projector has helped me understand her better, but energetically, I had no idea what energy type she was until I did her chart. Her energy feels chaotic to me most of the time. Yet her typical behavior patterns scream that she is a Projector who is struggling to be a Generator.

I am much better at figuring out someone’s profile type than I am their energy type so far. For example, I recently had a discussion with my SIL about HD and mentioned that I suspected her husband was a 2/4 Generator. I based my hypothesis on observed behavior more than how his energy felt. Sure enough, when I did his chart he is a 2/4 Emotional Generator. BINGO!

However, I was shocked to discover that both my SIL and other BIL are Manifestors!! WTF? I had no idea. Their energy felt like Generator energy to me. I don’t have birth time yet for either of them but no matter what time I entered for them both, Manifestor was the result. My SIL is a 6/2 (or 6/3) Splenic Manifestor and my BIL is a 4/6 Emotional Manifestor. To think I’ve been around two Manifestors this whole time and had no idea has me second guessing my ability to read energy. Ha!

When I spoke with my SIL about typical traits of a Manifestor, she identified with them 100%. I haven’t spoken to my BIL about any of it.

My experiences with both of them is consistent with how a Manifestor aura can make someone feel – repelled, cautious, suspicious. I always feel the need to keep my distance from them both and feel especially repelled by my BIL. My SIL is much more approachable. There is a sense of “IDK what to think” when I’m around them. I have to wait for them to be open to me and then I feel better around them. Turns out, Manifestors basically send out an energetic invitation that Projectors can sense that gives them permission to penetrate their energy. Otherwise, Projectors are locked out – and so is everyone else. As a Projector, to not be able to read the energy ends up leaving me feeling effectively and completely “blocked”.

So I am curious as to whether my experiences with Manifestor auras matches the experience of other Projectors. We will see.

The 5/1 Profile Type

As I discover the profile and aura types of the people around me, I am discovering many 5/1 profile types. I already mentioned my MIL, but my boss is also one – 5/1 Emotional Manifesting Generator. Unlike my MIL, I tend to get along pretty well with my boss. She is very knowledgeable about her work/job and so I tend to take on the role of student with her because I’ve found her knowledgeable advice accurate and sensible. She has a very powerful aura, at least to me, that seems to push me into a kind of submission when around her. It’s not that I feel forced or anything, it is just that I sense this is how I need to be around her. I don’t talk as much. I listen. I don’t feel from her any mysteriousness, really, which is what I’ve read of 5th lines. My teacher is a 5/1 Mental Projector and she calls herself a “talking head”, or a “horn”. So, with that in mind, it makes sense that my boss would take on a kind of dominating role over me when sharing her knowledge – that’s what she is here to do! And when I let her do this, I can tell she is in her “zone” and happier for it.

Interestingly, I had a dream not long ago about an ex-boyfriend of mine. I have not dreamed of him in years! Yet I spent an entire night talking to him and when I woke up I recognized him and wondered why he was in my dream. Immediately I thought, “I wonder what his HD profile and energy type is?” Unfortunately, I couldn’t remember his birthdate. I could only remember he was born in September (Virgo) and he was 6 years older than me. Not enough info to do his chart.

Two days later, on a whim and not really even thinking of him beforehand, I did a quick Google search to see if any new info came up. Years ago, after having a dream of him, I couldn’t find anything on him. Nada. It was like he had vanished. This time, however, he came up straight away – a picture, a video, and even his birthdate!

So, knowing enough about his birth data, I created his chart. I don’t have his birth time, but again, it is pretty obvious what his energy and profile type are. He is a 5/1 Emotional Generator. So I have dated a 5/1!!

In comparing my experiences with other 5/1’s, I now know my tendency is to listen attentively and let them talk (and talk they do!). With my ex, I remember just sitting quietly as he spewed nastiness about this person or that thing. It’s not that he was a negative person, really, but he was very frustrated (his not-self) by people and conditions in his life and I instinctively allowed him to talk on and on about it without interjecting or offering advice. I wasn’t necessarily feeling as if I was learning from him, and thinking back on those times, the me now would have called him on it. Yet the me then did no such thing.

I find it interesting that I sit quietly and listen to my boss in the same way. I don’t have any judgements or criticisms, I just listen. If you know me at all, you would know I don’t sit quietly very often. lol Perhaps it is just something about the 5/1 that causes me to step aside and let them be the “talking head” they are here to be? Honestly, it is a very automatic thing for me and I don’t mind at all. The dynamics play out well usually, except that with my ex, he cheated on me. But I know now that it was meant to play out that way. I was not in a position to give him the attention he desired and craved. I don’t think I would have ever satisfied his hunger.

As for the mysteriousness of the 5th line, I am not sure it was there with my ex and I don’t feel it with my boss or MIL. This could be that I am not trying to figure them out, and I’m not really. I’m not trying because I don’t have a reason to. I don’t live with or interact with them daily. When I was in my twenties and dating my ex, I don’t recall caring much about why he was the way he was. I just accepted him, warts and all. He didn’t seem mysterious, he seemed unhappy in general with his life and circumstances, and I didn’t mind that he was this way. In many ways, when I was in my twenties, I just felt to be “along for the ride” in my life and relationships. Now I know this is normal for a 6th line because 6th lines live the first part of their life as 3rd lines. 🙂

by

Dream: It’s Time to Rebuild

Our trip to Costa Rica is only 11 days away. Unfortunately, I continue to go back and forth on the decision, at least in my mind. My mind wants to make it difficult – always. When I check in with my guidance I consistently get the answer, “I need to do this.” It isn’t about what my small self (human) wants, at least not primarily. Despite being the driver of this life, my HS is continually checking in with me – the passenger – to make sure I’m comfortable. Contrary to what I think (most of the time), my Higher Self does want my human self to be happy and does strive to give me what I want.

The indecision is typical for me and can be frustrating to say the least, especially if I voice my concerns to those around me and they don’t want to hear them. The other night I mentioned briefly how I was feeling to my husband and he went into attack mode, telling me that if I would just be “nice to him” then I wouldn’t feel what I was feeling. The pure spite spewing out of him was palpable. So, I just walked away and went outside where I tuned into my guidance and got the same answer I always do – “I need to go.”

My mind loves to go into panic mode and will go on and on if I allow it. I see so many potential booby traps awaiting me. Yet when I tune in, my HS will ask me questions to help settle my mind. I recall being asked, “What are you feeling? What are you afraid of?” Lately, it feels like I have a group of supportive Beings around me. This morning, in fact, I heard very distinctly, “We love all love you” and could sense a large group of family and friends in Spirit.

My dreams last night were vivid, especially one.

Dream: It’s Time to Rebuild

The dream began in a large space, like a meeting hall. It was hard to see, but when I interacted with someone the difficulty vanished and they became very clear. I recall talking to a man who I felt very friendly with. He was “parked” in a certain space and mentioned he chose it for “the view”. I didn’t see a man but a car, a yellow one. He felt like someone who I could joke around and flirt with.

Around me I could sense a large group but my attention was on one man among them. We talked for some time about his life and my life. I recall knowing he had two grown children, but they had just recently left the home. He was divorced or separated, also. There is memory of a golden glow, his energy I think, and I could see within this glow images as if a movie was playing.

The energy from this person was attractive to me and I was very, very interested in him. I remember feeling/thinking, “I want this”. Wherever he went in the room my attention went.

Then I was in a dark room preparing for sleep. I remember the space was full of rooms like this all located along a long corridor. Someone was walking down the corridor ringing a bell and announcing a gathering. I could also hear music when the bell was rung – a chiming sound, like windchimes. It was late and I was not in the mood to go anywhere. I remember thinking, “Oh no. Not now.” It felt like I could choose whether to go or not and I was not planning on attending. I wanted to sleep.

Then the man from before was standing in front of me. He asked me, “Are you coming or not?”

I recognized him. He was the same man I use to see in my dreams and OBE’s. He first visited me in 2014 and his visits preceded my encounter with my heart connection. After my heart connection, this was the man who came to guide me in my dreams. He always looked the same – dark hair, dark eyes, tall and slender and somewhat Hispanic looking.

For some reason I was speechless. He then said, “It’s time to rebuild.” I said back, “But shouldn’t we destroy everything first?” He said with both words and a vivid image, “It’s dominoes.” And in my mind I saw a line of dominoes. The first was knocked over and then the entire line followed in succession.

I experienced a kind of clarity with his answer. Then, he grabbed what looked like a scarf and another smaller item. The scarf was see through and blue. He waved it over my head as if to entice me to follow him. There was a sense that I need take only the necessities with me if I went.

I watched him walk out the door. The attraction I felt for him was magnetic and the pull irresistible. I remember feeling reticent but thinking, “Fine. If he’s going then I should go.” It felt like regardless of what this “meeting” was or meant, if he was going to be there then I would be okay. It was clear, though, that I did not really want to follow him, but I did.

The next thing I remember is being back in the hall. It was like I returned to the beginning of my dream. Across from me on the other side I could see the man. My attention was glued to him. Somehow we ended up talking again. He asked me a question, seeking advice. He felt upset about a decision he had made and was being very hard on himself. I could feel what he was feeling and sympathized. I can’t remember what he asked but I said, “You did it for family.” He nodded agreement and said, “Yes, yes I did.”

What I remember most distinctly is how drawn I was to him and how beautiful he was to me. The feeling woke me and my guide was close. I remember saying, “He is beautiful.” In that moment I wanted nothing more than to be with him, next to him, close to him.

Music Messages

When I woke I remember thinking it significant that I was seeing this man in my dreams again. Surely it didn’t mean my heart connection was about to reconnect? I remember briefly considering emailing him about my dream, warning him of the destruction coming because what happens to me also seems to happen to him. But then I didn’t want to resume communication. I know I can’t just be friends, it’s too painful. Besides, the info from the dream didn’t match what I know about him at all.

As I considered the dream, a song came to mind. Specifically this part: “I shot a hole through every single thing that I love”. The whole chorus soon followed:

I’m sorry for everything, no, everything I’ve done
From the second that I was born it seems I had a loaded gun
And then I shot, shot, shot a hole through everything I loved
Oh I shot, shot, shot a hole through every single thing that I loved

I struggle to return to sleep, but when I did I heard message. One was, “You’re here to analyze the future.” I questioned that, thinking, “analyze” was the wrong word.

I entered a dream where I was outside laying on a towel sunbathing with others by a pool. I had with me a backpack and was going through the contents. I pulled out clothing and dishes while talking to the others with me about an upcoming “test”. Then I was standing in a doctor’s office discussion a pain in my lower leg. He said a leg vein was likely to return and asked me to take it easy. He showed me that a section of vein was missing and indicated the missing section was “growing back”. The two side of the vein wanted to be reconnected.

Then I was walking in a city at night. I encountered about five tiny kittens. They were following me. As I turned around toward them I heard music and saw into a house. The house was where a mother and small boy lived. Somehow I knew the music was their alarm clock. It kept getting louder and louder. While the music played the walls had images of sexual scenes and I thought it very inappropriate. I took video of it for proof. Then someone took charge of my video camera and zoomed in on another space. There was a wall with wooden, locked doors all over it. One door was opened and inside was an undecorated Christmas tree. The video pushed passed the tree to another door, opened it and behind a row of ties was another door. Behind that were more doors, each getting successively smaller.

I woke up from the odd dreams feeling kinda heavy from a night of information processing without really knowing what that information was. A song came to me as if in answer. I heard, “Cause I do it solo….” The sense was that I am meant to travel “solo” for this part of my journey.

Considerations

The first dream appears to be a preparation dream. Some event is going to (or has already) set off a chain of events leading to destruction of some kind and then a period of rebuilding. I am not eager for this and prefer to sleep it away – avoid it. So the dominoes are representing that chain of events.

The song message may or may not represent me. It could be that someone was communicating to me how they feel in their life – always messing things up. I feel this way, too, at times, though.

The other dreams feel to support the first. The unpacking symbolizes relieving myself of burdens and responsibilities I’m carrying around. The doctor is a guide indicating that the “vein” in my leg wants to reconnect and be whole. I vein could represent my “life force” or energy. There is mention of a test in the dream, also.

The last dream is Kundalini filled. Cats = feminine sexuality. The music, another “alarm” (mentioned in first dream also), is accompanied by sexual images. Then the Christmas tree is a repeating symbol from the dreams I had in the past with the dark haired man. It indicates “gifts” coming. Since this one isn’t decorated yet and is behind doors, it may be hidden.

That reminds me, I asked about the dominoes portion of the dream after I woke. I said, “The destruction hasn’t happened, has it?” They said, “It has, you just haven’t seen it yet.” My feeling was that something has been set in motion but the ripples are still too small to notice. It at least makes me feel a little better about how the destruction comes about. I had worried it would be an “all at once” thing.

by

My Grandparents Were Non-Energy Types!

Recently, my daughter has become curious about her ancestry. She got an app on her phone and, to my surprise, has been able to fill out her family tree back a few generations on both sides! She showed me that she found my maternal grandparents, asking if the info looked correct, and it did! Someone on my maternal grandmother’s side of the family had done a family tree for many generations back, all the way to before they immigrated to the U.S. My maternal grandfather’s side is not near as complete and my paternal side is almost non-existent.

What was surprising is the amount of documentation provided on this app. They had birth, marriage and death certificates, census information, even draft cards! To see my father’s draft card was fascinating, especially seeing his signature. It has been a long time since I’ve seen it.

When I saw my grandparent’s birth certificates, I immediately wrote down the information to create Human Design charts for both of them. Unfortunately, my grandmother’s birth certificate did not have a time of birth. 😦

To my surprise, I discovered my grandfather was a 4/6 Splenic Projector! Here is his chart:

I always felt a strong connection with my grandfather. While others in the family had various, negative emotional reactions to him, I could see his true self and knew he was not what others assumed he was. He could come across as mean, grumpy, and domineering. His guard was almost always up and he seemed to push people away at times, especially if he was tired or not feeling “in the mood”. He didn’t want to be told what to do. He did his own thing.

My mother and aunt have both expressed to me how their memory of their father is not the greatest. My aunt completely distanced herself from him as she got older. She found him unsupportive, mean, unloving and cruel. My mother also mentioned some things that made her feel this way. Mostly, they both mentioned that he devalued them because they were female, saying cruel things like, “I’m not going to waste money on a woman”. He most definitely was influenced by his generation’s biases!

My experiences with my grandfather were that, yes, at times he was not very nice. For example, I have a couple of vivid memories of him being this way. He use to raise rabbits to eat and one day he killed one right in front of me – hit it on the head with a hammer. I cried and ran away. That night at dinner we had “chicken” but as I was taking a bite he said, “How does Thumper taste?” OMG I was horrified! He laughed heartily.

Another time, when I was with him while he was working on a project, a tiny Kangaroo mouse came running out from under the house. He said, “Oh look! A cute mouse!” and pointed it out to me. He knew I loved animals of all kinds. Then, without warning, he smashed it with his boot. When I cried out, “Why did you do that?” He laughed and said it was a nuisance and he needed to get rid of it. Thankfully, it didn’t suffer, but still, not nice!

Yet, most of my memories are of his kinder side. For example, and in contrast to the two examples above, he found a nest of baby squirrels in his barn one day. Instead of killing them, he called my sisters and me to the barn and gave each of us one to raise. He did this because he had done similar things as a child. My two sisters and I were thrilled and did raise them. What fun pets!

Other fond memories I had were of him taking us fishing. I love to fish because of him even if he did distance himself from me because I “made too much noise” and could scare the fish. lol

I remember him always working on the farm (they had 52 acres), fishing and hunting. In his 50’s he built an underground house which still stands today. He designed it and everything and it is absolutely amazing! Completely underground except for the front door and two windows. He was also very active in the church. He was considered an elder and others looked up to him and admired him.

Though I would have never thought him a Projector, now that I know, it is obvious that he was. He was living as if he were a Generator, like most Projectors tend to do. Go, go, go and then….crash. He was grumpy and mean because he was bitter and that was how it manifested for him (and me, too). When not in a good mood, he could infect everyone with his nasty vibes (me, too). When in a good mood, he made the entire space light up. All he wanted to do was be a good provider for his family, yet he struggled to make ends meet. I am sure he had much negative self-talk about his ability to make money and provide throughout his life.

My biggest memory of him inside the home was of always wanting to be left alone. He would sometimes lock himself in his bedroom to do this but other times I knew better than to disturb him or else get a nasty talking to. We kids knew to just leave him alone and we did, most of the time.

In his old age his true self began to shine through and I saw the man I knew was inside all along. The more I heard his daughters say negative things about him, the more I defended him and explained to them how I saw him. My version was just not real to them, but that is okay and I told them so. I saw a man with a huge heart who sacrificed so much for his family. In the end, he showed his feelings more readily, even crying without hiding. I gave him lots of hugs and kisses to make sure he knew how much I loved him.

After he passed he would often visit my dreams and I had many OBE’s where he was present. The last time I saw him in a dream was very recently. He appeared in a different form from his last life – Asian. He told me that he planned to “get it right this time” and was going to be in the military again but this time as an Asian, whom he despised in this life (lol WWII vet). He was very optimistic and explained how he had felt like a failure much of his life. From what I remember, he chose to be very smart and determined in his new life. In contrast, this life he only had a GED because he never did well in school. He joined the Navy and was a nurse’s assistant while serving his time.

As for my grandmother, with no birth time, it is hard to know what aura type she was. I put in various birth times and came up with two profile types – 5/1 and 4/1. The most common aura type is emotional Projector, followed by emotional Manifestor and emotional Manifesting Generator. Only one of these is 4/1, the rest are all 5/1’s.

Here are two charts that I saved because they felt most like her:

The things that stand out to me about my grandmother are that she was very passive compared to my grandfather. I always thought this was generational (Great Depression Era). I was always more cautious around my grandmother. My grandmother was a big gossip and with her passiveness was this sense that she wanted to be in control. I have never met a Manifestor but I suspect she may have been that since her energy made me cautious. What she displayed didn’t match what I felt from her. I didn’t trust her but I did love her. I never saw them fight or my grandma get mad, though. She was just quiet and subdued. She got cancer in her 40’s but lived to age 89. She sold Avon for a while but was a stay-at-home mom and very involved in the church. You had to be careful what you told her because she tended to gather info and then use it to get what she wanted, especially in her older years.

When I was a kid I didn’t have any issues with her energy, it was just as an adult that I began to feel wary of her. She did begin to display the more negative personality after my grandfather passed. Maybe this was because he was no longer there to support her and provide what she needed?

She was very psychic but sadly was hospitalized for a mental breakdown after she had a psychotic break/split where she would shift into a child personality at times. She was on medication the rest of her life for that. Then she had cancer in his mid-40’s where she was told she would die but miraculously lived a long life.

When I came out as a psychic/medium to my family, my grandmother confided in me that she use to have precognitive dreams and other psychic experiences but she hid them out of fear. Not even my mother, her daughter, knew about it! In her older years she had out-of-body experiences where she would meet up with her husband in the astral (he passed 10 years before her).

After she passed away she came to visit me in Spirit and her personality was evident – happy, energetic, inquisitive, talkative- very different from how I knew her in life but I suspect how she was in youth. My first thought when I was entering her birth data was how she got cancer so early in life. I thought, “Typical Projector burnout.” IDK if the same can happen to Manifestors, though, but probably. It would help if I knew a Manifestor so I could compare how the energy feels. Sigh.

My memories of my grandmother are mostly positive. She loved to cook and because of her I, also, love to cook. She would let me help her in the kitchen, explaining he methods and giving me her “expert” advise and know-how. She also loved to sing and play the piano and guitar (self-taught). When we had family gatherings, we would all gather around the piano and sing.

My interest in gardening was also brought about by my grandmother. She had a HUGE garden and would ask us grandkids to help her plant, tend and harvest it. Because of her, I know how deep to plant certain seeds, how to fertilize, how to layout a garden, what plants do best where, and how to harvest without damaging a plant.

All in all, she was a great demonstration of how someone can be “at peace” in a life (which is the signature of a Manifestor) that is far from peaceful. She was always singing while she worked and her favorite song to sing was, “One Day at a Time”. She lived every day grateful to be alive and made sure we children knew how much of a blessing we were.

Considerations

To think that my grandparents may have both been Projectors, or at least non-energy types, is amazing to me! Here I was thinking that my entire life I have been surrounded by Generating types and this whole time I had two very supportive non-energy types as foundational influences in my life! A HUGE part of my childhood involved my grandparents. I thought of my grandfather as my father more than my biological father. He introduced me to fishing and hunting, taught me to love the outdoors, explore without fear and persevere. My grandmother was someone I could learn from and I eagerly sucked up the information she provided and still use it today. What she taught me turned into the very things that bring me peace in my adult life – singing, cooking, gardening, walking, dreaming, connection with God.

They were married over 50 years. To think of a relationship lasting that long has always been unreal to me, but they did. Perhaps it was because they were both non-energy types? Maybe it is true that being with one’s same energy type is better?

Note: As I was reading what I wrote about my grandparents I became very emotional. It is clear to me now that my grandmother was an Emotional Manifestor. The peace she radiated is still with me. And this whole time I didn’t see it. I felt so disconnected from her in my adult years. I wish that I had paid more attention to her in her golden years. I wish I had sat down with her more, learned from her more. 😦

Here are two pictures of my grandparents. The first is when they were first married. The second is at their 50th anniversary.

by

Pause. Love the Now.

Pulled this post off my private journal. It was written on May 28th.

Putting together some messages I’ve received over time. Since they’re repeating it means I’m misinterpreting them somehow. 

This morning on my walk, I was concerned about something that recently happened. My husband booked a flight to Costa Rica without consulting with me first. We were planning to go anyway but he went ahead and bought the tickets – $4700! I hadn’t expected the flight to cost so much, but that wasn’t my main concern. I worry about the trip, going to a foreign country with my kids, then having to get tested for Corona just to get back into the US. There are other worries but mostly I have major discomfort when I do anything out of the norm, or anything that takes me away from the familiar – Hermit tendencies in a nutshell.

As I walked along, a song kept going through my head and the part “come back to the sea” repeated. Then I looked down and saw something in the grass. It was an insert from a cigarette package that said, “Pause. Love the Now.” I picked it up knowing it was a message. When I picked it up, I recalled more song messages, messages I’ve received over the past couple of months.

The first song message – “come back to the sea” seemed to fit the idea of going to Costa Rica. We will be staying on the Pacific ocean with my husband’s half-sister (so my SIL). She has a horse ranch where she does equine therapy. The ranch is located on a peninsula walking distance to the ocean. There are cottages on the land. One is occupied by my SIL and I think there are two more – a one bedroom and two bedroom. We will be staying in the two bedroom cottage.

The other two messages are the same one, just different songs – “Where are you now?” This is a reminder to stay in the present; to not be distracted by the past or the “what if’s” of the future.

Then another song came to mind – “Let it happen.” When I first received this message I thought it was related to the Kundalini and my tendency to resist the energy because of its intensity and the fear it triggers.

Another message, this one repeated by my husband a lot lately, is, “Sometimes you just need to DO it! You can worry about the ‘how’ later.” That message is self explanatory. 🙂

As I looked at the message in my hand, I had an, “Ah ha!” moment. It was like a light bulb went off.

My guides have been trying to tell me to just let life happen. To just flow with life (be in the present moment) and if I do that, I will end up where I need to be. 

It became clear to me that in my resistance I have missed opportunities to be led where I need to be and to the people I need to meet. I overthink things. I resist almost immediately those things brought up for my consideration, usually by my husband. But, as a Projector, it is the Generators in my life who have the energy to get me things or take me places. If I keep turning down their offers, nothing will change. I will remain stuck. All I can do is tell them what I need and allow them to provide the means for me to get there.

For example, this Costa Rica trip has come up previously.  In 2020, my husband suggested I go and stay with his sister and use that time to rest, regenerate and get clear on things. I resisted and since it was during Corona there were just too many stops. A big one was that we couldn’t get passports for the kids at the time and I didn’t want to travel there alone. Recently, he suggested the trip again and, surprisingly, filled out the paperwork for the passports (almost all by himself) for the kids and they arrived last week. He wasted no time buying the tickets. My husband thinks I should stay behind rather than return to the U.S. with them. He tells me to take as much time as I need to get clear, heal, regenerate, etc. He even suggested I try equine therapy. My SIL is on board with this, happy to have family around and eager to share her passion. She has lived in Costa Rica for over two years. She says the location is a “vortex”; very rejuvenating and healing.

I have been resistant to this idea the whole time. Mostly, I am just uncomfortable with all the unknowns. I don’t like traveling very much. I get anxious and worry about the ‘what if’s’. I come up with tons of reasons why we/I shouldn’t do things. I realize now I am just resistant to change of any kind, even if the outcome may be positive. My resistance is born from fear and/or my tendency to withdraw and retreat inward. 

Most recently I’ve been trying to build a cabin at my mom’s. It has been difficult to get the go ahead from anyone. I find resistance from my husband and my mom. My husband always asks, “What’s your goal?” My answer is, “To get away. To get space to find myself.” He responds that he has trouble thinking ahead with my idea of building a cabin. He said, “What are you going to do there? Just sit in it?” lol He suggested, “Just go somewhere. Just do it.” He is willing to let me have space and distance for however long I need. I think I want to be at my mom’s so that I can be close to home, to the familiar. It will keep me closer to my kids, too. Yet, he is probably right that the more distance, the more unfamiliar, the better. If I am too close to home, I will be tempted to go home too soon and at the first sign of discomfort. Also, if I stay on my mom’s land, she inevitably will visit, probably daily. I love my mom and enjoy spending time with her, but her influence would go against my goal of getting space and distance from the intentions and influences of others. My mom especially would like to see me and my husband stay together. I tend to easily be pressured by her desires of me, also.

And who knows what or how the Universe will provide? I have fallen victim to the trap of thinking I have control. Ha! 

Then there is the fact that by my design, I am meant to “go with the flow”, easily let go and follow my Higher Self. I have not been going with the flow! I think of what I want – good – but then I think I have control of how I get it. I don’t let the Universe step in and provide it because I keep getting in the way! 

I am reminded of when I decided to return to work. I listed what I wanted in my new job and then felt a need to ask my husband to help me. Within a week I had the job I have now – a perfect fit! I stepped aside and let the Universe show me the way and it worked – fast. 

I don’t know what is best for me, even though I think I do. Sometimes what I want is not what I need. I may end up in Costa Rica and feel I don’t want/need to stay behind on my own. Or I could love it and desire more time. I don’t know how I will feel when I get there. If I am operating from a place of resistance, it most definitely will leave me confused and unbalanced.

From Today

We leave for Costa Rica on the 18th of June and return on the 27th. Costa Rica doesn’t require a Covid test to enter, which is nice, but they do require us to buy health insurance. This cost us $250. We have to stay in a hotel the night of our arrival and the day before our departure because of the departure time of our flights. We also have to rent a car while we are there because the ranch is about a 5 hour drive from San Jose. For some reason there were not many options for day/times when my husband booked our airfare. We suspect the airlines have consolidated flights and hiked fares.

To return to the U.S. everyone has to have a negative Covid test taken within three days of the return flight. The health insurance we purchased should take care of the cost, but the test is unpleasant. Yuck. And no, even if we all get vaccinated, proof of a negative Covid test result is still required.

Once we get to the ranch there is no charge for our accommodations and my SIL will act as our guide. I have no idea what we will do while we are there. I prefer to just see the country and enjoy nature, but knowing my husband there will be activities every day.

I did my SIL’s HD chart to check out her energy and profile type. She is a 4/1 (very rare, 2% of population) Emotional Manifesting Generator. I researched it a bit and then sent her a summary of what I discovered during my brief research. Turns out, she has a Juxtaposition cross, which is rare in itself. She isn’t here to make karma nor to resolve it. She has her own path and others can/will get pulled onto her path, but she won’t get pulled onto others’ paths.

Here is part of what I wrote to her about her profile type:

You are designed to study and immerse yourself in something you love and then influence others with your knowledge base. Once you have studied enough to build a foundation, you use your communication and personal skills to share your knowledge of that subject with your network. Your quality of life is deeply dependent upon the quality of your network. You need your network to effectively externalize your knowledge base. Even though you are fixed like an oak tree you are also vulnerable. You are so fixed you can be broken and the pieces can be hard to put back together. In order to stay steady on your path it is important for you to stay exactly who you are and not change for anyone else. Others need to adapt to you, not the other way around. 

Relationships – 4/1’s cannot be in a relationship where they are resisted or there is lack of trust or loyalty. 4/1’s will be the most loyal and generous of friends if they have trust, loyalty and pure transparency from the other.

Knowing this is helpful for me, especially if I decide to stay. I prefer to be around other Projectors but if I am going to be around a Generating type, I prefer one with emotional authority, probably because that is my mom’s authority and I am use to it.

I don’t know what will happen with this trip. Will I stay or will I return? All I know is that my Authority (Higher Self) is nudging me to get away for a while. I need to do this. When I had my HD Foundation Reading, I said this more than once and there was an energy behind my words that moved me within. There’s no denying the truth of it, then. The how of it was not part of what I vocalized, but then that isn’t surprising. So, I have to allow the Universe to provide me with the right environment and space. Is it Costa Rica? Maybe.

Thankfully, I have the support of my husband and others, so if I decide to stay it will be O.K. I will be taking my laptop with me so that, if I have to, I can work while abroad. Thankfully, my job is almost 100% remote so as long as I have a computer and internet I can work. The only issue is when I have to pay the company bills. I have to physically put the checks in a printer, etc., but my husband is willing to do that part of my job so I don’t have to worry about it. The cool thing is my job pays more than enough to provide for whatever I need while I’m there. The cost of living in Costa Rica is very, very affordable. I can live very well on less than $1500/month. 🙂

Part of me is ready and willing to be gone a good six months. Part of me is terrified about what that may mean. Will my world come tumbling down around me? Would my staying lead to major shifts in not only my world, by my husband’s?

Funny enough, I mentioned that I knew things would crumble down around me in my reading but I added, “It’s not my world anyway. It’s his [my husband’s].” Bingo.

One last thing – yesterday morning I woke up with a song on my mind: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Not exactly sure why or if it means anything. I did notice it was written the same year my SIL was born – 1966. 🙂 Wanted to put it here just for the fun of it.

by

My HD Foundation Reading

Monday I had my Human Design Foundation Reading. It’s taken me a while to gather all the data from it and I am still processing the information, but I want to share what I have now for those of you who may be considering getting a foundation reading yourself.

First, I highly recommend a HD Foundation Reading to anyone curious about Human Design. Even with all the self-study I did, I gained so much more than just data from the experience.

Notes from Reading

Below are my notes from the reading. Maybe some day I will organize my notes into a proper report, but for now this will do.

Defined Centers – represent our reliable Self. Mine are the G-Center and Throat. These centers can initiate positive and negative reactions in others. One particular negative reaction I may encounter is in response to my voice, which tends to be very commanding, loud and have a certain intensity to it that some people find offensive or intolerable. Note: I have often been told I am “too loud” and “your voice hurts”. I try to tone it down but when I am excited or passionate about what I’m talking about, I just can’t control the intensity of my voice. Positive examples: As a teacher, having a loud and commanding voice easily gets and keeps the attention of students. As a singer, projection of my voice has never been an issue.

Undefined Centers (I have 4) – Wisdom potential. Positive in that they represent my natural potential to see others clearly. Negative in that I can easily assume I need to consistently function in certain way when it’s not my nature (be fixed when I’m not).

Completely open centers (I have 3) – These centers represent areas where I have completed learning of the themes of those centers (mastered them). It is my greatest access to wisdom. So, I have mastered the head center, heart center and solar plexus center and all themes they encompass. Yay!

Completely open solar plexus – I can have no emotion (seem cold/uncaring) or have every emotion (overly emotional).

I have a very particular design: I have a highly selective natural body (a 2nd line natural) which means I’m very specific about who I “take in”. As a Projector with a 2nd line, I am looking for a very specific energy to take in. Think of it as “eating energy”. I don’t just take in parts of someone’s energy, I take it all in very deeply.

Generating types can make me feel “alien”. I am constantly “scanning” their energy for what I want “to eat”. I’m looking for someone who will value me for my presence. Note: I told her that I felt like I was always looking for something but rarely find it. She said I’m looking for a specific energy in others auras.

I should look at myself as a “very specialized instrument” and accept that “I’m special”. I had an emotional response to this because my guidance said to me, “See. I told you you’re special. Listen to her.” lol

My purpose is tied to my 1-8 Channel of Inspiration. I’m here for a certain refined beauty and uniqueness that’s not common but “beautiful”. She uses an analogy of an “orchid in a pine forest”.

My Question: If I’m so special, why does my life not reflect that back to me? Why does my outer reality not reflect my inner reality?

The answer was that to get to that point I need to decondition. I need to rearrange my outer reality while clearing my inner one (clearing, healing).

When a Projector has only one channel like I do, then my purpose is very, very specific. I am here to use my voice to empower and inspire others. It is a very creative channel and only I will know what my specific talent is.

Creative Expression – Won’t feel like work. I will know “this is why I’m here”. Empowering others, empowers me.

I can be completely invisible to many, but at the same time I will be “everything” to certain others.

My ability to reflect is attractive – makes others feel to be with themselves but not alone, makes them feel “special” because of my attention.

Others want my attention because I amply them/their energy. It can make me feel “used”, like a receptacle, and “fed on” in a way that exhausts me. In exchange, I process all their crap. It can make me want to retreat and say “just leave me alone!” Note: This is exactly how I feel!

My personal sun is in Gate 33 Retreat in the 6th line which is the most removed and aloof. 6th lines have a foot in the other world and are not into mundane BS. They need to retreat to process and take what was a weakness and turn it into a strength. This takes time.

Mid-Life – I’m getting near the last phase of the 3 phases of the 6th line, shifting from pessimism to optimism. Mid-Life can feel like a pane of glass is placed between me and the rest of the world. I can feel very disconnected or behind a wall. This is to give me room/time to rest, reflect, heal and recover. I’m meant to realign with True Self during this time.

Last Phase/Role Model – When I hit 50, and if I’ve rested and recovered properly, I get to step out into the world and be the Role Model. I will be a living demonstration of how to be in this world but not OF it.

Deconditioning – 1st phase is spitting out all the poison/bitterness. Over time, I will have less and less tolerance to the point of wanting to “run” from those things which make me feel wrong/bitter/uneasy. All Projectors realize at some point that we can’t hack it in a “normal” way. We can’t produce, work, be busy like Generators. We can’t win at this “normal thing”. Note: This happened to me in my late 30’s. I started to drop things one by one in order to manage life and feel more at ease.

Gate 1 & 2 are lit up in my G-Center – One is pure receptive, the other pure creative. She described it as “feminine and masculine depth”, I’m both yin and yang (receptive and penetrative) at my core.

Relationships – the foundation of relationship for me is empowerment, inspiration and creativity. I’m here to get inspired by my HS and share it with others. “Empowerment and creative connection to the Higher Self” is my purpose. I’m very “anti-mundane”. I need to “revel in my own beauty”. I’m naturally optimistic and naturally transmit this to others.

Gate 20 – Presence. I can be very checked out if I want to. If I feel that I don’t want to be with or around a person or in an environment then I need to leave or find a way to be alone.

Personality Sun – disassociation – the ability to let go and not be handicapped by consistent recriminations. I enjoy my own space so need to go to it when feeling any of the above feelings. It will feel like I just need to “get out”.

6th line can make me feel like part of me is pulled away from life. It pulls me away to heal and find a unique perspective. When I come back I can be a living example. For a 6th line is it detrimental to be a hypocrite. lol

Genius design Sun-Earth – the natural receptive genius.

1st line Earth – Venus exalted as beauty. “Love is Light” the grounding of my body is a frequency of love and light that emanates from me when in my correct frequency. To some I’m captivating, interesting and different and they try to hold onto me. They expect me to be the representative of the group. I have a compelling, undeniable, demanding voice and am here to speak its truth.

My Motivation is desire. I’m motivated by what I want. I spend the first two cycles of my life figuring out what I want and eventually I will know exactly what I want and go for it. When I don’t Know, I need to accept and not make any decisions until I do Know. The Not-Knowing is where creative potential and liberation take root. These can also be very empty times and very melancholic. The 1-8 Channel says, “I Know and I don’t Know”.

It goes something like this, “I don’t Know, I don’t Know, I don’t know….Oh! I Know! (go after it)” then it repeats but the “not Knowing” is much more frequent. Note: So true! I completely related to this!

Trajectory – Follower – I follow my own, unique path. Note: I was worried it meant I was a follower which does not feel right. I am relieved it means that I am independent and do my own thing because that is how I am!

Final Comments from Reader – I have the capacity to be an amazing guide if I don’t misidentify with others emotions. I am highly transpersonal. Over my lifetime I will become more and more aloof and cool. I don’t “sit in the realm of dense drama” like others do.

On Connection Themes

Connection chart of me and my mom. Theme 9-0 Nowhere to go.

In a previous post I had questions about the connection themes I was encountering when creating connection charts. This is what she told me:

They are rhymes that go with the number of defined centers in the relationship vs the undefined ones.

9-0 Nowhere to go – All 9 centers defined. A relationship that is compelling, the two people are in their “own world”, it’s difficult to get out of the relationship because of this. The mechanics of the connection hold it together in a consistent way (all nine centers are defined).

8-1 Have some fun – 8 defined centers and one undefined. The one undefined center acts as a window to the world where the two can look at the world together. Mechanics are strong enough to hold the relationship together but they have space to move.

After the two above, the other connections are not held together by the mechanics so more work is needed to keep the relationship together.

7-2 Work to do – I don’t recall what she said about this one but basically it was that the two had to work to keep the relationship going.

6-3 Better to be free – Expectations need to align. If they don’t, it will be hard to keep this relationship together.

5-4 Not in a relationship anymore – The only time there is a consistency to this relationship is “when the stars align”. Otherwise, the mechanics do not keep it together and the two easily drift apart.

Based upon my design nodes, I need consistency within a relationship. I need a certain amount of regularity of contact. So, the best relationship themes for me would be the first two because of the consistency inherent in them.

The first two themes require less work because the mechanics will hold the relationship together. I have a 9-0 with my mother and I find it is true. When together, we are in our own little world. I am also always drawn back to her. But then she IS my mother! lol

I’ve never had a romantic relationship with someone where our connection was 9-0 or 8-1, so I don’t know if it is true that they would be easier than the others. My guess, based upon my poor track record, is anything would be easier than 6-3 and 5-4!!

Other Thoughts

After my reading I was able to ask questions and soundboard a bit, which was nice. What was interesting was what I heard come out of my own mouth. When I said certain things, I felt energy and emotion in a wave and knew this was confirmation that what I was saying is my truth. This is a self-projected Projector thing. We need to soundboard and I so rarely get to speak to others in this way! Writing is a nice substitute but not the same.

I will likely have another session with the reader. She is a 5/1 Mental Projector and I felt very at ease with her. I mainly just need someone to listen so I can hear what comes out and take note of what feels true and what doesn’t. I have so few people that I can do this with. My mom is one and I was able to talk to her this weekend for quite some time. Another is a friend who is also a Projector but lives in another state. That is it. As a Hermit this is really not unusual, though.

I’m also considering taking the Living Your Design course next. Everything I have learned about HD resonates and continues to support my reality and how I experience life. Not even one detail I’ve learned about my design has felt off to me. That is unusual because even with all other spiritual tools I’ve encountered inconsistencies.

So, I’m jumping into deconditioning head first. Based upon what I learned in my reading, I’ve already begun spitting out the “venom”. lol

by

Lucid to OBE: Surgery

Had a surprising OBE last night that was quite long.

Lucid to OBE

The dream started in my grandparent’s underground house. I was watching my SIL and husband play a game. It was quite dark and so I assumed it was night. I remember looking around the kitchen and recognizing evidence of my uncle living there (which he does now that they have passed). There was some odd things that I questioned like a fountain on the table and a faucet on the kitchen sink that I couldn’t operate very well. 

When I turned back toward the living room I saw my SIL and asked her about the game she was playing. I remember she and my husband had been handling blue objects and moving them very fast in their hands. It was a mathematical concentration game. This triggered my lucidity and I thought, “This is a dream.” I felt myself shift as my awareness went to my body temporarily.

Without hesitating, I immediately took control of the dream and headed toward the front entry to go outside. When I exited the house, I flew up into the air and felt pulled upward at great speed. With this I began to sing at the top of my lungs and through my singing controlled the experience and maintained a high vibration. I didn’t want to go up too high so stopped myself and looked down in awe at what was around me. I could see stars everywhere but also the Earth below.

I lowered myself down and flew among some buildings that suddenly appeared in the field in front of the house. I watched them morph and change with my thoughts and got much pleasure in this. 

Then I was standing in front of two young girls. I had a small, sharp instrument in my hands that looked like a letter opener. I can’t recall what I was singing but I know it created the scene. I wondered what it would be like to cut the throat of one of the girls. One came up to me and said, “Go ahead. Try it.” So I slit her throat and the sensation of it was like slicing through butter but with a bit more resistance. She didn’t bleed but her throat was cut, the flesh hanging from her neck and colored red inside. She laughed and complimented me. I said it felt different than I thought and asked to try again. The other girl came up and I went behind her like in the movies and slit her throat as well. Again, it was an interesting sensation and much easier than I thought it would be. 

The two girls stood there, throats cut and smiling, seeming very real, talking and completely fine. I motioned to the overweight one and said I wanted to see her insides. She lay down and I cut her like a doctor would, straight from her sternum to her belly button. I saw inside and she put her hand on her beating heart, suggesting I should take it out. I thought about it, reached toward it and then changed my mind. I was not interested in doing that and lost all interest in playing “doctor” after that. I’m not sure why I changed my mind, but seeing her heart like that seemed to trigger disinterest. 

I lifted up into the sky and felt myself pulled upward so fast that I ended up in space again surrounded by stars. This time I lingered amidst the stars and began to sing words inviting specific people to meet me there. I noticed metal high wires stretched above and below me forming a kind of safety “cage” that I entered from above. I was most definitely talking/singing to someone I felt was with me as I received answers to my requests. No, neither person was present nor could they be called to join me at that time. 

There is faint memory of others around me. I want to say they were female and dressed in pastel ballerina attire reminding me of fairies bouncing around me. Whoever they were, they felt to be there to support me but always stayed just out of my direct line of sight. Magical, mystical Beings of love and Light.

Since my requests were not granted, I finally asked if I could at least be given someone to assist me in igniting the Kundalini energy. A man appeared in front of me. He was unfamiliar but I felt comfortable with him/his energy. He was young, maybe mid-thirties, with dark hair and medium skin tone. He was smiling but said nothing.

When I saw him my root chakra lit up and began to swirl with energy. I could feel it about to surge upward but before it could, I shifted back into my body where a nice energy was swirling throughout my body. 

I lingered in the energy for a while, shifting in and out of the in-between while a guide spoke to me in images and words. I saw a paper with words printed on it. A section was circled in red ink that said, “Tell me what you would like to know.” Pleased to have the opportunity to request information and knowing the state I was in was ideal for accurate reception of the info, I asked some questions and received answers. Some were not the answers I wanted, such as, “You will see”, but some were immediate and clear. 

Of course now I wish I had asked different questions, but there isn’t much I can do about that now. lol

There was a strong vibration that remained with me for some time after waking that was hard to resist. It pulled me back into the in-between time and time again. Much is lost to me now and I am not going to try and recover the info I received because I Know it already even if I cannot access it or put it into words at this present time. 

Interpretation

The first part of the experience – the dream part – seems to have been me witnessing the “game” being played by some of my family. It is the mental and logical manipulation of the physical realms. This feels very true to me in the sense that my family is very much caught up in the illusion and enjoys playing the game. I tend to stand back and observe them. 

The cutting throats part is very odd to me. Why did I create such a scenario? What was the purpose? It felt like I was just curious. Symbolically it could mean that I am removing obstacles that are keeping me from communicating. The dream characters are allowing me to express myself, my frustrations perhaps, and the end result is I am intrigued by how it felt and how easy it was – like cutting through butter. 

The cutting the person as if performing exploratory surgery is also strange. Initially I remember being curious about how much fat would be visible from the inside (she was slightly overweight). For some reason seeing her heart made me stop. Perhaps the girls represented me and I was seeking insight into something about myself?

The rest of the dream appears to have just been me seeking the K energy. The wires feel to be some kind of protection. The fairies are likely symbolic of my inner child and a feeling of magic and creativity. 

by

A Tough Two Weeks and Dream: We Are God

The last two weeks were full of visitors and activity. I am just now feeling the crazy energy settle (to be replaced by more crazy energy lol). Here is what I’ve been through and why I was feeling so frazzled:

My brother arrived from Arizona two weeks ago, Monday, and we went out for pizza with him, my mom and step-dad. It was a 40 minute drive to the restaurant during rush hour but the place was nice and calm and the kids enjoyed it. 

The next day my brother arrived unannounced to our house around noon. My husband had told me my brother wasn’t coming until the next day, so I was surprised and unprepared. I hate it when people don’t give me a heads up that they will be visiting! I hadn’t slept well the night before because allergies kept me awake, so his visit was not at an ideal time. Turns out, his intention was to stay the night, so I prepped my room for him and moved my stuff into my sons’ room.

My husband came home early from work and took him on a tour of the business which gave me time to clean the house and tidy up. When they returned home my husband wanted us to all go out to eat, so that’s what we did. Then my husband and brother stayed up late playing chess while I got the kids to bed. I retreated to my boys’ room to sleep because I was exhausted. Turns out, I couldn’t sleep because I could hear them playing chess downstairs. It was past midnight when their game ended. Then I was just wide awake, tossing and turning all night. 

The next morning they were all up at the crack of dawn and so, of course, was I.

As is usual with my brother, he decided to leave earlier than planned. I don’t know why he does this but it feels like he wants us to plan activities for him and such but since we didn’t have anything planned (because he didn’t give us a heads up), he opted to just go back to my mom’s and then head back to AZ early. I could feel his expectations of me, but I just didn’t have the energy to drive him into Austin to visit spiritual shops, etc, which is what he wanted to do. Had I had sleep I would’ve, but even then, I had to work. Now had I had time to prepare it all would’ve gone much smoother. Lesson: Tell people you’re coming for a visit so they can prepare!!! However, I doubt he will do that in the future. Sigh. 

Relieved that maybe I would get some sleep that night, I went about my day only to get a phone call from my husband that he was going to pick up some friends from the airport and wanted to take them all out to eat. I figured, “Why not? I’m already so tired that it won’t matter anyway.” I had that weird feeling in my head that I get when I need sleep and I knew that I would get a second wind soon, which did happen. So, another night out to eat with a group, and on top of that a sleepover because one girl was going to South Padre with the family that weekend. 

I did sleep better but struggled to get to sleep from all the energy I absorbed from the evening. Then I was awakened early by everyone preparing to go to South Padre. 

When I got out of bed, I went downstairs and felt a bit jealous because I would miss out on the beach (I love the beach). I had opted to stay home for my sanity, though, and because our dog Monty needed someone to watch him. At the last minute I decided I should go anyway and bring the dog. When I got to the van I heard my youngest crying and saw him in the back seat looking very unhappy. I asked what was wrong and he said he felt sick. I told him to come inside. My husband followed and our son puked all over him and the floor. Sooooo, he stayed home with me. Turns out he had thrown up twice that morning already but was pretending to be okay so he could go on the trip. Poor guy.

Thankfully, he did not throw up again and by the evening was able to eat a full meal and keep it down.

The next day, feeling bad for my littlest, I decided to drive him to South Padre so he wouldn’t miss out. I had to take our dog with us because the drive is six hours and there was no way I was driving back the same day. Unfortunately, a storm system had rolled in and it rained almost continually the entire drive. I hate driving on the highway as it is, but add in rain and low visibility and I tense up and stress out. What was even worse was that toward the middle of the drive we got caught in a horrible downpour that lasted 32 miles! It was so bad that we passed several wrecks and at times many cars in the median stuck in mud. Water was standing on the interstate increasing the likelihood of hydroplane. I drove at 45mph through the whole thing as people zoomed by me, many of those cars ended up stuck in the ditch.

The one cool thing about this awful portion of the drive was that I knew where the storm would end. I kept asking my guidance to help me relax and Knew the exact place the rain would stop. When we got to the exchange and headed south (when the rain was suppose to stop) it was still raining and I worried I would be stuck driving slow the rest of the trip. Then, suddenly I said aloud to my son, “The rain will stop soon”. I relaxed and started eating a snack. Within a minute or so, the rain slowed and light appeared ahead as the clouds parted. I laughed and told my son I manifested the end of the rain. lol There was no more rain the rest of the drive.

We arrived just past noon and my exhaustion had me in zombie mode. I didn’t sleep well that night (surprise) but took a short walk on the beach the next morning. I left for home mid-morning but it was much more pleasant a drive with no issues. The entire drive my third-eye was blazing. Not sure why but maybe from lack of sleep.

The activities are not over. My SIL is hosting a young girl for a few weeks and, like the Generator she is, feels she has to fill every minute of this girl’s day with activities. Tomorrow we go to an indoor water park. Today was suppose to be Six Flags but my daughter got in trouble and so I cancelled it. My SIL has been trying to go around me to get the trip to happen anyway and my husband was helping her! This, BTW, is typical. These Generator busy-bodies never stop! Thankfully, it is raining today (thunder and lightning) so my SIL and husband will have to just deal and do Six Flags another weekend. Daughter remains effectively “grounded” (which she should) and I get to rest a bit before another hectic day tomorrow (rain or shine).

And just for fun – this was posted on a store window in South Padre. Love it!

Dream: We Are God

Early this morning I was awakened by a guide who was close and on my right. When I felt him near, I felt a familiar energy, a draw to him like the Kundalini connections I’ve had. He acknowledged this and then asked me a bunch of questions. I can’t recall them now because I fell asleep while talking to him, but I do remember opening a book entitled, “How to be Whole” When I opened the pages there was text about it but I became too aware and the text faded. I knew my guide was telling me that my purpose here was Wholeness and to not give up because I was very close. 

When I fell asleep I was in a car (life path) driving (in control). My kids were in the back seat and the road was familiar. I kept zoning out through the drive only to come back to the car scene in a panic and unable to see clearly. A voice reassured me that all would be okay and to surrender to the experience. This is similar to experiences I’ve had while driving, specifically when my crown opens up and communication comes through. I always feel like I am dreaming and I can’t recall driving my car at all. Yet I always reach my destination. In the dream I kept worrying about the car wrecking but would always find it driving itself. 

At one point in the dream I was transported to a scene where I was riding a horse (freedom) with a group. Everyone stopped and dismounted. Someone asked me about my horse because it was a specific breed that needed a handler who knew what they were doing. I told them I was permitted to travel alone and was more than capable of handling the horse. The horse did odd things, turning his head sideways and showing his teeth and trying to bite me. The horse had the name of my heart connection, which was odd, and I mentioned how he was provided for me for a specific reason. I remember feeling very close to the horse and knowing his personality. His bites were love bites and he never intended to harm me.

Then I was in my grandmother’s house with my mom. I still had the weird open crown feeling and was phasing in and out of my car that I was still driving. I received a text message about “How to be a God” and looked down at it in surprise. I wanted to show my mom because the information was profound. I only recall now that the message was saying how we are all God. My mom didn’t believe me, so I showed her my phone. There was this huge chart that upon first impression looked like a chart of all the known demons in the world. But upon closer inspection, the images looked like Egyptian inscriptions. I showed her and she gave me this look like I was crazy. I then showed her an “artifact”. It was something small, round and gold. I said, “If I told you this was created by God, you would believe that it was Divine and cherish it.” Then I switched it to my left hand and said, “If I told you this was created by a man who revolutionized education, you would reject it because he was ‘just a man’. The reality is you will only recognize and give importance to those things that others tell you came from God.” When I said this (or something like it) I became very lucid because I knew what I was saying was Truth. I believe I said, “We are all God” as I began to wake up.

When I awoke I knew it perfectly described my mom. So often I present her with ideas and information that goes against her religious upbringing. She acknowledges what I tell her, sometimes even to the point of saying it makes more sense than what she was taught, but she always goes back to what the church and her parents taught her. Ultimately, she rejects anything that is not from the Bible. Because she does this, she limits herself and her growth.

The dream left me feeling sad for humanity because, like my mom, humanity is eager to believe what is fed to them and are easily controlled because of this. Humans don’t believe they are special so much so that to tell them they are God is unbelievable. God is something beyond Knowing. God is an all-powerful Being that lives “in the sky” (or heaven but somewhere we can’t get to and can’t know/see) and judges whether we humans are worthy or not. As long as humans believe someone/something else is in control, we will never rise above and free ourselves from this self-created trap we find ourselves in. 

by

Lucid Dream and Message: Express Yourself

Woke up in tears this morning. It seems my request to Remember is being granted. Slowly but surely lucidity is returning to my dreams and I am being allowed to recall the work I’m doing in dreamtime.

Lucid Dream: Sexual Encounter

I became semi-lucid. Part of me thought I was actually awake but another was aware that it was a dream. I was laying in bed and felt to be both in my physical bed and my dream bed simultaneously. In the dream scene I was aware of an office-type environment and people from my work talking and moving about in an adjacent room. 

I lingered in bed, very relaxed and calm. Energetically, I was aware of my root and second chakras and the feeling was very seductive, almost like there was someone there with me. I do remember talking to someone, so it could be that I was not alone, but at the time it was just me in my bed. I can’t recall the discussion in detail but I believe I was telling him how the energy made me feel. The more I described the energy and sensations, the more they grew. It was as if my words magnified the energy. 

There is a brief moment when I requested a specific person be there with me. I requested this person by name more than once. It surprises me now that I did this but then it also makes perfect sense because I’ve often thought of this person as my teacher.

Eventually, I recall hearing a distinctive male voice say, “Relax and go with it.” When hearing his words there was recognition that I was focusing too much on the energy and effectively blocking its movement. Instantly I released my attention and the energy suddenly burst through all at once and then slowed until it flowed in a steady stream, circulating between the lower chakras. Interestingly, the sudden burst of sexual energy did not awaken me and I remained in a lucid state with the dream scene.

The next thing I remember is reaching toward “the voice” and encountering a body. Everything about what I felt was physically real. It was very obviously a male body. I felt along his arms and shoulders and then felt his hairy chest. I could also see him in my mind’s eye but my vision never turned on. What I saw was only what I touched, so I never saw a face. I’m not sure I wanted it to. It seems like I wanted the man to remain a mystery but in my mind I was thinking he was “husband” but not my actual husband in my waking life. So which husband? I have no idea! lol Honestly, it didn’t matter at the time because I was immersed in exploring through touch. The entire time this energy continued to swirl and, funny enough, I became very comfortable with it despite its highly erotic nature.

The very physical sensations eventually woke me up and the voice from the dream followed me into wakefulness. He was asking me questions about my experience. One in particular was about the sensation of touch. He asked if I could tell the age of a person by feel. I said, “No, not really.” The questioning seemed to be about the sense of touch versus vision. It became clear to me that using my physical eyes could be counter productive in certain situations. I was reminded of how I am meant to see the world with my inner eyes, not the physical ones, because the physical eyes support the illusion while the inner eyes see the truth. My mind was filled with past experiences where this was painfully obvious. I hadn’t realized how much my physical eyes contribute to the solidification of the illusion within the framework of this physical experience. So often I have tossed my inner Knowing about someone or something because my physical eyes see something else!

Dream: Express Yourself 

Although I woke up for a short time, when I fell back to sleep I returned to the dream scene. Still in bed, I saw my son come into the room and change his shirt. When he left, I followed him out and saw someone from work directing people about in a classroom. The feeling in the space was one of organized chaos. I Knew that in this space I could be myself and no one would judge me. 

Something caught my attention and I turned around to see that behind me was outdoors. A blonde, thin woman who was about my age, was receiving a yellow bikini to try on. I remember seeing her and thinking she was quite attractive for her age and had taken good care of her body. She looked a decade younger than she was.

When she put on the bikini bottoms they were like bloomers rather than normal bottoms. She disliked this and another bottom was provided. She went behind a screen to try it on but took her time. When she came out, everyone was applauding, expecting her to shine in her new bikini, but she was wearing a brown dress that looked like a potato sack. When I asked her why she wasn’t wearing the bikini, she said it showed her love handles. A flash of what she was talking about came to mind. Two very small bumps above her hips. I told her how beautiful she was and that she didn’t have any love handles. She didn’t believe me and walked away.

When I turned back toward the classroom, I was invited to come inside and observe. The room was dark but various colored lights were flashing, giving the appearance of stars. There were six rows of desks with students. Music was playing and the students were singing, one-by-one, when their turn came. I sat down in the front, left desk – the only open seat. To my left was a screen and music was playing from it. I turned and looked around at the students. They were all smiling and friendly. Again, I felt that I was in a safe space, one where everyone was accepted and loved.

The music was spectacular and the singing even more so. The entire room was lit up with a vibrant energy and I was immediately impressed. Each student was given a chance to express their own inner truth however it came to them and the music shifted based upon which student was singing. Their words are lost to me now but I was deeply moved by each student regardless of the tone of their songs. Some were sad, others joyous, and some a mixture of emotion. Every song expressed the individual’s unique Self and each song contributed to the energy of the space creating a chorus unlike any I’d heard before. 

As I watched the progression and listened to their individual voices, I began to have all sorts of emotions arise out of me. The more songs I heard, the more my own song began to emerge. It is hard to pinpoint just one emotion because there were so many. Part of me wanted very badly to participate. I wanted to stay there with them forever. I was impressed by the teacher who mainly just facilitated the group and gave her support. 

A familiar song came to mind. The words, “Where are you now?” repeated over and over.

And then I began to sob. The emotion came from deep within and just poured out of me. I began to feel very self-conscious and worried someone would see my ugly red eyes and nose. I attempted to hide my face but a student to my right locked eyes with me and smiled. The message was, “It’s okay”, and a rush of love and acceptance swirled around me, hitting my heart dead center. After that, there was nothing I could do but allow.  

I woke up in tears, the song’s words repeating in my head and the voice saying, “Express yourself.” I was invited to return to that very sexual, creative energy from the previous dream. When I did, I would feel a sudden calm, which was surprising to me, and a clarity would come over me. But then I would shift out of it again, and the emotion would pour out. I was concerned about my past, the mistakes I’ve made, the lack of progress I perceived, the decisions that I regretted – but mostly that my past felt hollow and without any purpose; pointless. The voice reminded me not to judge myself so harshly. I thought of a specific “mistake” and he said, “You were not ready.” 

Dream Considerations

The first dream reflects how I’ve been feeling lately. For some reason I’ve been feeling extremely sexual. I haven’t been focusing on it really, just noticing. It has been a very long time since I’ve had a dream like this one, one where I feel someone physically with me, hear them audibly, and do not awaken from it. My sense is that I was being taught how to handle the lower chakra energies. My tendency is to either avoid them altogether or to overly focus on them which makes the energy that much more intolerable. I was shown that just allowing the energy diminishes the intensity and makes it much easier to tolerate. In fact, it became almost like a background energy to the remainder of the dream. Surprise!

The questions I am asked are also interesting and revealing. Again, it appears my considerations about old age and appearance are coming up for inspection. When I was younger, I really had no issue dating men older than me. In fact, I tended to be attracted to men 7+ years older than myself and dated one that was 12 years older than me for a while. Ha! Back then, when I was in my late 20’s, a man in his mid-30’s and early 40’s didn’t seem old at all. Huh. Now that I’m in my 40’s, though, I am beginning to fear old age – the wrinkles, saggy skin, age spots, etc. So, anyone older than me just reminds me that I am getting old, too. Yet in this dream I am reminded that what the physical eyes see is limited and wrought with conditioning and expectation. I am asked to use my inner vision and feeling to guide me and disregard my physical vision. Feel into a person’s energy and use that to “see” them.

The second dream appears to be another healing dream. First, I am shown myself in the woman trying on the bikini. She is me and how she thinks of herself – how critical she is of her body – is so very like me. Then, I am taken to a space that is full of unconditional love and acceptance and given the opportunity to express myself. I am allowed to see how everyone’s unique song is part of a bigger “chorus”. All ranges of emotion are included. Nothing is seen as “bad” or “shameful”. No one laughs or mocks anyone else. Pure acceptance. The feeling is beyond amazing and I want so badly to participate. I want to stay there forever. The emotion that arises, though, indicates I do not feel worthy.

The message in the song is that I need to focus on the present. “Where are you now?” is asked so that I focus on the present. The past is in the past. There is nothing but Now.