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The Sad Truth and Worrisome Dream

Yesterday we went to my mom’s for a visit and to celebrate my birthday early. When we arrived, my sister and her husband and child were there. I was not happy about this. Why? Because I need to prepare myself mentally, spiritually and emotionally for an encounter with her and her family and wasn’t given the chance to do so. Plus, I was hoping to enjoy my time with my mom as part of my birthday celebration even though my birthday isn’t until next week. Family dynamics are very different when you add my sister and her husband to the mix. Sometime my BIL/cousin is in such a nasty mood that it makes all of us feel on edge. His energy can be toxic. Also, my nephew is hyperactive and his energy is difficult for me to be around. My sister is usually not an issue but I often resist seeing her because past experiences have only led me to the conclusion that she is unwell, depressed and still using Meth. 

The visit was okay but I got a tension headache towards the end, an indicator of stress.

I learned that my sister had arrived early and unexpectedly to wash a lot of laundry. There were heaps of dirty clothes at the front door when I got there. She also had given my mom her typical sob story about how she and her family are broke despite getting stimulus checks and selling the RV my mom had bought them. My sister explained that the money they got from the government was very little because they deducted back child support along with back taxes (which they should!). Of course, their truck (I’ve lost count of how many cars they’ve had now) is not doing well and is a gas hog, my cousin/BIL is struggling to find work – the list goes on. My mom was sad to hear they had sold the RV for only $1000 when she had paid $5K for it. They had not kept up repairs on it and it had so many issues that they had difficulty finding a buyer for it. Their new RV is smaller and can be hitched to a pickup without a special attachment but has less room and no washer/dryer like the old one. They used their stimulus money to buy it and the truck they have now. They had purchased an SUV with the money before the truck but did not maintain it and it couldn’t afford to repair it. Sigh. Currently they are struggling to find a place to park their new RV home. They have jumped from free campground to free campground all summer and are at a place where they have to pay $100/mo but, of course, are being forced to move because they aren’t paying. 

They asked my mom if they could park their RV there because they saw there were RV hookups at the spiritual retreat my mom and step-dad created. The answer was “no” because the last time they stayed there they wouldn’t leave and they created all kinds of problems (having their drug dealer come out to the land, fighting with my step-dad, being confrontational, not working, sleeping all day, and just not keeping their end of the agreement). 

Thankfully my nephew played with my sons happily the entire time and my BIL stayed away and did not spew his nastiness everywhere. My sister did the laundry and wouldn’t swim because she was embarrassed by all the sores on her body (Meth side-effects). When my husband asked if she was still using she flinched and said, “No.” My husband believes she was telling a half-truth, meaning that her “no” was that she wasn’t using today or in that moment but has been. I agree with my husband. Those sores are not “allergies”, they are proof of her drug use. 

I struggle not to give my sister money when I see her. I know she will misuse the money and maybe even buy drugs but I do want her to live better and know I can help. But I have learned it is not good for her to enable her bad decisions with handouts. My sister refuses to work despite being totally capable. She can’t work in her desired field – teacher – and her options are limited but she could find work if she tried. House cleaning is one that comes to mind. She thinks it below her to work low paying jobs. Instead, she puts all the pressure on her husband who has the same criminal background issues as she does. He does find work, often, but usually quits before he gets to the 6mo mark. He hates that they take child support and back taxes out of his already tiny paycheck. 

My recent dream about my sister doesn’t give me hope for her. In the dream I found her naked, curled up in the fetal position with a tiny towel placed over her for warmth. When I tried to get her to get up and come with me, to leave the horrid place I found her in, she refused. She basically said that she had given up and decided it is better to stay high than to confront her life. She preferred the pretend world of drugs to the real world. I began to cry slow, sad tears as I walked away. I knew she had made her choice and that I could do nothing for her.  

Similarly, I had a dream about my mom recently that caused me to wake in tears.

Dream from July 30:

I was outside. A large tree or wooden pole was in the center. Chairs were attached that swiveled around the tree. I was in one and a man was in another. I remember the chairs moving like the solar system around the tree and I could see the man across from me moving in sync with me. We were served Indian (Hindu) cuisine. Then, I remember suddenly knowing that my mom died choking on food. I saw her standing in front of me. She got a shocked look on her face and then she just fell in a heap on the ground. Someone said, “She’s dead.” 

I ended up at my mom’s house and she was there as a ghost. We were talking and I was upset about her death. I remember seeing the answering machine had one message. I played it but it was all static and hard to make out. I remember wondering if anyone knew she had died. I told her what I had witnessed, how she was eating food and just fell over, dead. I was beside myself with upset and recalling all my times in this life with my mom, memories flashing in front of me. I also remember thinking she was too young, only 54 (she is 72 now). At one point I saw stairs going up but there are not stairs in the house. She said, “Maybe they will be added?” I thought it may happen. Then, I was crying and hugging her and saying, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve already lost one parent! I don’t know what to do. What do I do now?” My mom hugged and consoled me and a voice whispered, “She isn’t dead.” I suddenly realized maybe she was alive because she was there with me. I touched her and she was solid and I said with relief, “You’re alive!” She said, “Yes I am.” I cried tears of relief, sobbing into her shoulder and woke up. 

When I returned to sleep the same scenario occurred – my mom died from choking on Brussel sprouts this time. I was in the house crying again and my mom’s “ghost” was there. This time I was in my mom’s closet and the attic door was opened and stairs came down. My sister descended the ladder and I had a conversation with her and my mom about my mom’s will and how it couldn’t be changed. I began to try and help my sister by teaching her about “start, change, stop”, explaining how it could help her in life. I explained that she could “change” or “stop” anything, especially her drug use but other things, also. She said, “I don’t need help with relationships.” I reminded her it could help in other areas. Eventually I realized my mom hadn’t died because yet again a voice said, “She isn’t dead.” I said, “So she isn’t dead? She’s alive?” It was as if I had no clue despite having already had a similar dream! 

When I woke I was crying again and perplexed. Why did I have a second dream where the same thing happened? Was it a warning dream? Could my mom be in danger?

I told my mom about my dream and she confirmed that lately she has had trouble swallowing and goes into choking fits that can make her feel like she is going to pass out. Her heart speeds up, she gets panicked and the fits go on a long time. She has them about once a week, maybe less. Alarmed, I urged her to see the doctor. I hope she will. It is just too “coincidental” that I would dream of her choking twice in one night only to discover she has been struggling with choking on food and water!!

My dream was likely part anxiety and part warning. I often pick up on things happening with my mom, so it is not a surprise that I would pick up on her choking issues. The upset it caused me was severe. I was inconsolable to the point that my guide had to tell me it wasn’t real – twice. It gives me an idea of how my mom’s death may affect me. Ugh. I do think of her as my safe place/person. Life won’t be the same without her.

Dysphagia is a possible diagnosis. My mom’s isn’t severe (thankfully) but she should be checked out so that they can rule out certain causes. Dysphagia isn’t uncommon with the elderly but could become worse over time. My mom told me that she is already changing the way she eats and drinks for fear of choking. She says she holds liquids in her mouth before swallowing now, especially coffee. She is being very careful, but still it is worrisome.

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Visions, Messages and 2 OBE’s

As I was shifting into sleep last night, a visual came at me from my left. What I saw is hard to recall now. It was, I think, branches of a golden tree that looked also like many roads extending from a central point. With it was a feeling that is difficult to describe. It felt like a part of me was opening up or reaching toward something in the distance. Almost as if something new was emerging from me, extending in a new direction. There was a guide on my left, also, and he said to me, “You will have many options.” When he said this to me, I was also saying it. It was as if he and I were speaking with one voice.

There was a brief conversation that followed. I was informed that options would be available to me. When I asked, “When?” I heard, “Soon” and “You know when.” What I recall most vividly from this conversation was a feeling of hope and curiosity. It was obvious that a new path and direction would become available to me after so many years of seeing just one. 

Rather than ponder all the “what if’s”, I soon fell asleep and, to my surprise, had an unexpected OBE.

Dream: Dead Baby Elephant

Rather than relay the entirety of the dream, I only want to focus on parts.

I was with a group and the subject of what to have to eat came up. I said, “I would really like some pudding. Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, lemon – all of them!” The rest agreed with me and soon it was decided some would go to the store to get some. When they came back, they had forgotten the pudding mix but bought all kinds of other ingredients. I laughed saying, “It happens. Sometimes we just get sidetracked and forget what we were originally looking for.” I don’t recall ever eating any pudding, though.

Pudding symbolism – you are leading a satisfactory but unexciting life and it’s time to step out of your comfort zone. 

The message in the dream makes complete sense. It is so easy to get sidetracked and forget one’s purpose. It’s best not to get upset over our forgetfulness, but take it all in stride. 

The next significant part is when I was driving down a dirt road and a large, Australian Shepard dog came bounding up beside the car. I was thrilled to see it and wanted to take it home. We turned around and exited the car looking for the dog. Someone said the dog had gone after just eating. He pointed to a herd of elephants. A baby one was dead and all of it had been consumed but its ears and trunk. The herd was standing around the dead baby in mourning. I felt my stomach sink when I realized the dog had killed and eaten a baby elephant.

This dream woke me up because I recognized what the symbolism meant. Elephants symbolize the family and relationships among other things. When I saw the dog (fidelity and protection) had killed and eaten a baby elephant I was devastated. I saw this as the death of a relationship and/or my family.

Visions 

When I woke there was a guide nearby and I was wide awake. There was a conversation, but I don’t recall much of it now because I kept shifting into the in-between. I do remember I would say things that would cause me to come out of my reverie suddenly, things that surprised me. One time I was being very childish and fearful, trying to avoid something. 

I remember seeing visuals mostly. In one case, I was outside standing under a huge tree whose branches came down around me and nearly touched the ground. The tree was dripping water but it was not raining. I knew that it had been covered in ice and snow that was melting. I looked up at its branches feeling hopeful but saw the branches were covered in hundreds upon hundreds of cockleburs. They were heavy and hung like fruit from the tips of all the branches. The visual shook me awake as I recognized the symbolism/message of it. It was clear to me that I was being told two things. 1: The ice/snow is melting meaning whatever has been holding me back is clearing so that movement forward can be made. 2: Despite being free to move forward, minor annoyances will plague my path, annoyances that will pile up and become difficult to ignore and avoid.

Another vision occurred while discussing with my guide what lay ahead. I asked to Remember something specific and was told I would Remember many things. With this, I saw myself approach a large refrigerated cooler like one would see in a grocery store. I opened the door and pulled out the only item inside. I realized immediately it was coffee and knew it symbolized “awareness”. 

I fell asleep focusing on feeling what it is I wish to feel in the future.

OBE: Ice Skates

The next thing I remember is being in my bed in a room that was not my bedroom. I was very, very tired but kept hearing conversations that made me get up and investigate. I saw two coworkers at a computer attempting to print something. For some reason I interrupted, saying some things that made no sense to them but did to me. It was about “codes” that had to be used to get the computer to print. They looked at me oddly and I felt immediately self-conscious and disoriented. I lay back down in my bed and felt an intense heaviness hit me. I fought the heavy energy as I tried to make sense of what just happened. I remember answering someone with, “So, that wasn’t real?” I felt relief that what I had just experienced was a dream. That is when I began to recognize I was in the in-between and the sounds I heard (conversations and such) were noises-off.

Realizing I was asleep and in the vibrational state, I decided to get out of bed. The instant I decided this, I was out of bed (and my body) and standing in a house I didn’t recognize. It was a nice house. Quaint. The furniture in it was antique and the walls were made of multicolored, reddish brick. It was spacious and there seemed only to be one room. 

I walked toward a large window in the kitchen area. I could see outside and wanted to exit. I felt the window and it was solid, so I pulled up the window and crawled out of it. As I exited the house I saw a strange sight. There was a full-sized oven with stove perched upon a landing facing the house. There was an opening above it where food could pass through. I thought it odd and wondered about it briefly before looking ahead at my surroundings.

Ahead of me was a long, wooden fence that reminded me of fences I use to see on farms in Montana and elsewhere. I could see a dirt road on the other side and further down the road there were more fences and a roads as far as I could see. It was a clear day and very quiet and calm. It seemed like I was in a rural area of a foreign country.

Above me was a giant tree covered in small, red berries. The branches were too high, so I jumped a bit to grab a berry. When I did this, every berry on the tree fell off all at once. I remember thinking it odd and considered looking down at the ground at the berries but something stopped me. Instead, I turned toward the fence gate. There was a shift in my energy and I decided to look at my hands and say, “Clarity now.” My hands were solid and did not shift. I moved my fingers and they felt solid and real. Then I took my hands and felt down both sides of my body from my hips up to my breasts. I felt solid and very real by my vision was almost tunnel-like, as if I were wearing a virtual reality headset.

As I moved toward the road I noticed my legs and especially my feet felt very heavy and unsteady. I decided to take off my pants and boots but it was difficult. I got my pants down to my knees and walked like this down the road to an intersection. I turned to my right and saw what looked like a small group of apartments in the distance. I saw people standing out front. I walked toward them and saw they were young women. What was odd is they appeared to be wearing ice skates on their feet. One said, “You’re trying to get those off? Let me help you.” I hobbled over to them and sat on a wooden bench, sticking my boot-laden foot toward the girl. The girl grabbed on and began to pull but the realization that I, too, was wearing ice skates hit me and the entire scene slowed down as I shifted back into my physical body. 

I didn’t wake up, but instead lay there listening to noises-off and feeling into the subtle vibrations of my energy body. Eventually, one of the voices solidified and I sat up OOB to find a young girl about the age of 9 leaning down and kissing me. Her mouth remained pursed and she looked like she was anticipating something. I sat up and reached down with my hand brushing her crotch area as if to find out if she were real. She withdrew from my touch as if fearful. I remember calling her my daughter, but she didn’t look like my daughter.

I followed her into another room where I told her I would teach her about her body. She lay on the bed as if she had done it a thousand times and seemed afraid. I tried to calm her as I lifted her shirt but when I touched her she cringed. Something about this scene felt as if I were playing out some long-forgotten memory and I froze as I focused on her whimpering. I thought, “This is not right” and pulled back, shifting back into my body where I finally awoke. 

Considerations

I have no idea what to think of either of these OBE’s. lol Weird is my first thought! 

The first one seems to be more symbolic than anything. Mostly I recall that my astral body felt odd. Heavy, yes, which is not unusual, but it seemed unreal to me, like it was not mine but a bodysuit I put on. Even after looking at my hands and feeling my body it felt unreal. And my vision was also odd. Like I was wearing a helmet that blocked my peripheral vision. 

The ice skates seemed to be a continuation of the message about “thawing out”. I can’t help but recall the message I got a while ago now (Feb/Mar) that something would happen after the last snowfall. It feels like that message is related. I’ve had many dreams where there has been a light dusting of snow or a frozen landscape. This is the first where the snow/ice is melting.

The second OBE felt like I entered into another lifetime or another person’s body/experience. IDK. Perhaps I was a man? I didn’t linger long enough to find out but my intent was to fondle the girl and that is NOT something I wanted to experience. It seemed like the little girl was use to the treatment, which just saddens me. Yet I know that such experiences are not uncommon in this harsh world. So why would I enter such a scene? Perhaps it is part of my Remembering?

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Message: Rest Area

I’ve been home for almost two days now. It has been a little bit of an adjustment getting back to “normal”. When I arrived home I was met at the airport by my husband and oldest son. My husband hadn’t texted me he was on his way, so I thought he may be late. Turns out he stayed quiet on purpose for the surprise. 

When we got to the car I was surprised by my other two children. My oldest son told me they were swimming at their uncle’s house. lol 

When I got to the house I was again surprised. This time with a kitchen upgrade. My whole family helped my husband make some small changes that made a big difference. He redid the backsplash, painted it a new color, bought a new table and installed pendant lighting. On top of all this, he thoroughly cleaned the entire house!! He also had two bouquets of flowers waiting for me. I love the new look of my kitchen!

Since returning, I have felt more gratitude for what I have. Living with so much less for 30 days has really helped me see how blessed I am. Air conditioning, hot water, reliable electricity, etc – I am surrounded by abundance! 

Funny enough, the first day back was full of surprises. When I logged into work from home, a porn pop-up greeted me. Turns out my son had clicked on something. lol I had to fix that issue because it was just plain annoying. Then, when I got ready to drive into work, my car wouldn’t start. It had a dead battery. My husband came to fix it and discovered that our Hyundai hybrid model doesn’t have a traditional battery like our Prius did. Instead you just push a reset button. Ha! At work I discovered my printer and scanner had not been set up. The internet was not functioning properly so set up was not happening and then when it did work the printer printed sideways! My boss eventually just printed the checks from her computer and printer. lol Finally, on the way home, my husband almost rear ended another car. 

I mention all this not to point out the stress but my response to it. Instead of stressing out, I mostly just laughed at it all. I was most surprised by how I reacted to the near miss by my husband. Sure I had the adrenaline rush of surprise but the thing that was unusual for me was that I was so relaxed. Usually I am on alert for possible accidents and very uneasy when my husband drives. I suppose all my time in taxis in Costa Rica has helped. haha!

Messages and Lucid Dream

This morning I awoke to a message: Rest Area. If you think of the purpose of rest areas along highways you will get the point. I understood it to mean that on my life journey I have come to a place where I can rest and relax for as long as I need. It’s not the same as a parking lot which implies that no progress is being made and you are at a standstill. Instead, it is more that I need to sleep and recover from a long journey. Now is the time to enjoy life. I can look back on my progress and gain insight for the journey ahead. Eventually I will leave but only when I am well rested and ready. 

Also, I had a lucid dream experience where I began to feel, see and experience my dream in a very real way. A large, overweight man approached me and introduced himself as “Eddy”. When I heard his name, I heard another word behind it, “Fast”. So his name was “Fast Eddy” which happens to be the name of a restaurant often found near hotels and gas stations – Fast Eddie’s. For some reason I hugged the man close and my vision turned on vividly along with all my other senses. I also recall kissing him passionately. The man was taller than me, so I had to look up to kiss him. I remember seeing his neck and jawline clearly. As I began to look towards his face he said, “What do you see?” I replied, “Whatever I want.” I lost my vision and woke up briefly only to return to sleep. 

With my reply, I understood that my answer was a message in itself. I create my reality and in that moment I was seeing Eddy as I wanted to see him. I was creating his image and the entirety of the experience I was having. 

Goals

I don’t really find these messages surprising considering the goals I set for myself upon returning home. With the space and isolation I found in Costa Rica I gained insight into myself which was the whole point to begin with! My time alone helped me to reacquaint myself with my true nature which, as a Projector, involves quite a bit of downtime in the form of sleep and immersion in nature. I did a whole lot of nothing for much of my time in Costa Rica. lol What was surprising to me was how wonderful I slept in an unfamiliar place with no a/c. It was the best sleep I’ve had in a long time!!!

My design is to go with the flow. That is what I have NOT been doing in life but I got to experience this aspect of myself while in Costa Rica. It took a while. I resisted at first. I think the second week was when I finally began to embrace the feeling. Prior to this I experienced quite a bit of emotional release. A ridge of energy had to be dispelled and with it lots of considerations that weren’t helpful. I directly confronted some false beliefs about myself.

Growing up, I often heard that I was “lazy” from my mom. She believed in productivity, as does my husband (and most Generating types). So, if I am not producing something of value then it is pointless. Since resting and laying around is not producing something of value (it is, something I now recognize), then whenever I do nothing I feel guilty and often fill my day with as much activity as I can. This, for a Projector, is not in line with our design. We need lots of rest and time alone. Plus, my 2nd line requires plenty of rest and aloneness, too. 

When I finally let myself rest and be “lazy” I recognized this was very much my nature. I LOVE to sleep and lay around. In fact, if you were to ask me my favorite thing (physically) about this world/life, I would say, “My pillows.” lol I even told my SIL when I arrived that my goal was to sleep as much as I could, and that I did do! 

I decided that when I returned home I would do these things:

1. Listen more and talk less.
2. If I feel irritable or bitchy find a way to be by myself ASAP. 
3. Communicate my needs before I feel irritable and bitchy.
4. Listen to my first response to an invitation and stick with it. 
5. Sleep as much as I want and whenever I want! 
6. Eat and exercise intuitively rather than forcing myself to stick to a routine or schedule.

Number 1 came from understanding just how eagerly I want to share with others, but mostly others don’t want to (or aren’t ready to) receive. So, when I do get invited, I tend to overwhelm the other with too much, too fast. I am often told I am “too intense” because of this. So, I will wait to be invited and then just give a little of all that I have to share and let the other decide whether they want more.

Number 4 is advice for all Self-Projected Projectors. I/we need to listen to my/our own voice and follow it. If I feel/say “no”, then that is what I need to stick with. 

Number 6 comes from a whole month of eating and exercising intuitively. When I went to Costa Rica I knew I wouldn’t exercise, at least not like I am use to (I ran with horses and went on several hikes). I also decided to eat whatever I wanted. It became clear to me just how much time and effort I use to put into my diet and exercise routine. I am much happier not putting so much energy into doing that! Besides, my body still looks and feels good, even after a whole month of “eating like shit” and “laying around.” LOL

And after this morning’s message concurrent with the realization that I am in a period of abundance, I have decided to enjoy this period in my life as much as possible because, at some point, circumstances will change. Right now, though, life is really sweet. 

Pictures

Leaving you with some pictures of my last few days in Costa Rica. Some are of my trip to San Jose where I visited the Doka coffee estate and the La Paz Waterfall Gardens. 

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Visiting the Montezuma Waterfalls

My SIL took me on an unforgettable hike to the Montezuma Waterfalls in Montezuma, Costa Rica. There are three waterfalls in all with the first two being the largest. The first waterfall is easy to get to but getting to the other two is much more challenging if you access them from the first waterfall trail, which is what we did.

Here is a link to more information about the trails, saving me from writing the details myself: Montezuma Waterfalls.

My Experience

As those of you who have been following my blog for some time know, I have experience hiking and running trails of various difficulty levels. This trail, however, is not for the inexperienced! Even the first part of the trail will challenge you, especially novices. If you have any physical disability I suggest you find another way to the falls. If you are just out of shape, be prepared to struggle, especially if you hike it in the wet season, which we did. You will likely get wet. You will probably slip on the rocks. You will probably get dirty. Wear shoes that can get wet and have good tread. Wearing a swimsuit is a good idea, too, since the hike will make you sweaty and hot and there are deep pools of water to swim in when you reach each of the three waterfalls.

The most challenging part of the trail for me was the second half of the trail leading to the two upper waterfalls. It is a steep, almost vertical trail composed of mostly roots and mud with various ropes near the top to assist. It is not for people who are afraid of heights! You will get a full body workout that’s for sure. I laughed and said we were “lunge climbing” because you often have to put your foot on sections that will put it in line with your shoulder. The ropes near the top are a must since you need to put all your weight on them to get to the very top where the trail levels off and follows the ridge to the other waterfalls.

From the top of the trail it gets easier but there are more sections with rope assists along the way. At one point you can stop at an overlook and see the two lower waterfalls from above. It is spectacular! There is no trail to the second waterfall. Most people access it by jumping from the upper waterfall, about 50 feet. Not for me! lol

When you get to the top waterfall you can rest and swim in a deep pool. The top waterfall is not as impressive as the other two but it is beautiful regardless. This is where we found most people lounging and swimming. We moved on, climbing up to the top of the last waterfall and going further upstream where we encountered various smaller waterfalls and pools. We stopped and got in the water when we stopped encountering people.

I waded out into one of the pools and felt numerous fish bumping into me. It freaked me out so I got out and sat with my feet in the water. This is when I got to see the fish. They looked like minnows, about three inches or so long. I saw one “bumping” into me. I soon realized he was looking for a snack because I felt a pinprick bite! I didn’t put my feet or body in those pools of water after that. Were they tiny piranhas? IDK but I wasn’t planning to find out! I sat in a place where the water was running fast and did not experience anymore “bites”.

On the hike back we took an alternative route rather than climb down that vertical portion of the trail. My SIL took me to some stairs that led to a much easier path down. We did have to pay $1000 colones each ($1.60 USD), but it was worth it.

Dinner in Montezuma

Afterward, we walked into the town of Montezuma and found a nice beachside restaurant to have dinner. We then walked around and shopped a while. I haven’t had time to buy souvenirs, so this was the perfect time to do so. Next we had some gelato at a local ice cream shop. Finally, we stopped at a grocery store to get some items.

The grocery stores in Cabuya don’t have many options, so we always take advantage of larger grocery stores when we go into a bigger town. While in the store I paid for a French couple’s food. I just felt like doing it and the man looked at me in shock and asked, “Why??” I said, “Because I want to.” He hesitated and then let me buy his items. It felt good! I told him to “pay it forward” and he agreed he would. Afterward, he and his friends talked to us a while and thanked me again.

We then caught a cab and headed home. The cost for a cab to Montezuma to Cabuya is $5,000 colones, so not bad at all. While on the way home, the driver suddenly stopped. A man and his girlfriend were standing next to his motorbike which was on its side in a mud puddle. The man seemed confused but he was otherwise okay. They had wrecked but we didn’t see it happen. We offered to let them share our cab but they refused. So, we followed behind them to make sure the man was okay to drive. He seemed to be.

The next morning we were both somewhat sore and stiff. The following day we were both complaining that our entire bodies were aching. That vertical climb was the cause, I’m sure! lol

So, if you ever find yourself around Montezuma, Costa Rica, definitely check out the waterfalls. You don’t have to take the path up to the top two waterfalls me and my SIL did, though. You can linger at the bottom waterfall or take one of the other two options for a fee (stairs or canopy bridge).

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Running with Horses

The first time I ran with a horse, my sister-in-law and I took Chocolate (choco-latte) for a ride into town to get some groceries and a bite to eat. I was asked by my sister-in-law to ride another horse named Joy, but it was late and I was nervous about riding in the dark. I have not ridden one of the horses yet and the last thing I wanted to do is ride in the dark for that first ride.

On the ride in, Chocolate seemed to want me to be in the lead. So that is what I did and he perked up and displayed an eagerness to follow me. So, I decided to start running and my sister-in-law loosened up the reins and let him do as he pleased. He followed along at a trot and then ran faster to keep up with me. He preferred to run with his head right at the back of my head, nose at my ponytail, and my sister-in-law tried to move him to the right of me but he would continue to go back into that position. When I stopped he would stop. When I ran, he ran. He would sync his pace to mine every time.

We reached the grocery store and I was kind of fatigued and hungry, so my sister-in-law went the rest of the way while I stayed behind. She wanted to check on her garden keeper, Jose, who had a sick daughter. Chocolate wouldn’t go where she wanted at first. He circled around back behind me as if questioning, “Isn’t she coming?” I watched them leave and then ordered some food at a small restaurant where I watched people come and go. There was much more activity than I expected, but then it was a Saturday night.

When my sister-in-law returned she joined me for dinner and afterward we did our grocery shopping. Chocolate was tied up in a safe place but the entire time he kept his eyes on us and I could feel that he just wanted to be with us. If he could’ve, he would’ve stood right beside our table at the restaurant and probably would’ve tried to eat our dinner!

At one point, while Chocolate was standing with us, he beelined it for a man who was on the other side of the road. The man turned out to be from the US and had lived at a horse ranch for two years. He was very comfortable with Chocolate and seemed genuinely honored that Chocolate chose him to say “hello” to. The man was, however, carrying a package of vanilla sandwich cookies and he gave one to Chocolate who eagerly ate it up. We joked that it was the cookie Chocolate really was interested in. lol

On the trip home it was completely dark and started to rain. I had a small flashlight and took the lead. I would run and Chocolate would run behind me. Eventually, though, he began to run right beside me, his neck and shoulders lined up with me. At times he would get so close that when I turned toward him he would be only inches away but it made me laugh and feel more free to have him that close. He felt like a companion and it was clear we were synched up, both feeling the same joy and exhilaration of running.

During the homestretch I took off in a sprint and I could hear Chocolate do the same. I was laughing and screaming at the thrill of the feeling. I felt like a child playing a game of tag.

My sister-in-law was surprised at how comfortable I was with a horse as large as Chocolate that close to me while I was running. I never once felt fear or concern about how close he was. I just enjoyed myself and felt the freedom that I typically feel when I run. I think that might be why chocolate was so eager to run by my side. I was not mired down in thoughts, anxieties or worries, but living in the moment, which is exactly where horses are all the time.

Last night we tried it again with a different horse named Beloved. Same result but she was more serious as if she were “working” while Chocolate was more relaxed. Chocolate would be saying (if he could talk), “Yes! Let’s run!” and Beloved would be saying, “Must run. Must run.” lol

Update

Running with horses is just one piece of my healing journey, of course. There is a lot happening, though most of it is internal. With the freedom and space to be myself and feel myself, shit has been coming to the surface for release. It is intermittent, but frequent enough for me to recognize that I it will be a slow process.

I’ve tried to stay away from the internet and social media more and I believe it is best that I do because when I have, there have not been good feelings arising from the few interactions I’ve had. It feels like the Universe is saying, “Step away.” If I don’t, then something distasteful comes up.

For example, one day, while just lounging on a hammock listening to nature sounds and soaking up the space around me, someone left a comment on my FB page. I went ahead an answered but soon realized I should have just turned off my phone. The person was someone who frequently engages in conversation with me so I didn’t feel any dis-ease about it but it was apparent that my responses were not what was expected or wanted. There was a blow up on her end where I was accuse of not being open to new things/suggestions and using my blog and FB only to get attention. While I wasn’t triggered by the interaction I was saddened by it.

To be honest, I am not being very open to new things and new people right now – purposefully. I am very selective and cautious, seeking only those interactions that call to me. What I feel directed to do is Be with myself, nurture myself, and give myself the space to process the crap I have not felt safe enough to process. My favorite things to do right now is be in nature and interact with all the creatures in it from butterflies to monkeys, horses, plants, water and everything in between.

I specifically don’t want to be around people very much. Sure, I do interact with others, but rarely and very selectively. For example, I had a wonderful Lomi Lomi massage on Monday by a woman who came to my location. She integrated energy work into her massage, which was wonderful. Similarly, while having dinner with my SIL a couple of nights ago, I met a woman from L.A. who was in the process of relocating here and listened to her experiences and stories finding many similarities to my own. She had been to Mt. Shasta like me and it helped me recognize the very different energies of vortex locations and their purposes and affect on me. Mt. Shasta is elevating, Cabuya is purging. The energy here is very specific – it says “you are safe” and “allow yourself to feel, BE and release”. This, apparently is the experience of many others who visit, also.

This morning I awoke from a dream in which I was once again in a school as a teacher. I won’t go into details of the dream, but when I awoke my guidance and I discussed where I’m at presently in my life. I was also asked to “see” my future, which I can do but honestly don’t want to because I’ve been let down so much by doing that. I struggle to keep expectation out of what I see. I recognized that I will, at some point, want to be around people again, that I will be more available to others in a giving/healing capacity like I once was so many years ago (another lifetime it seems). Where I’m at now is not that at all. It is the complete opposite.

Eventually, when asked to contemplate where I am heading, I was asked if I could see or imagine the person I will one day become. I can’t and the thought of being that way makes me want to hide and curl up in a ball.

Ultimately, my response was, “I’m not ready”, and a part of a song came to mind and began to repeat:

I just want the bad feelings to end
But there’s some shit I can’t forget
I don’t think I’m ready yet
Hit me up another time
Maybe one day I’ll change my mind

This is the whole song if you’re interested:

This morning when I opened the front door, a massive butterfly the size of my hand flew past me. Something about seeing it reminded me of the conversation with my guide and the song above. I started to cry as I swept the floor and prepared for my day. The realization that I’m not ready caused the tears. I want to be ready. I’m so tired, though, and it is obvious I need a lot of rest and self-care.

A Typical Day

I wake around 5:30am and linger in bed for a while before waking to make my coffee and lounge around a bit more. I am working remotely, so I usually log in and check emails, etc. Some days I put this off and other days I get right to business. Usually while working I open the front door and sweep away the previous night’s insect party remains (lol).

Sometimes I lay in the hammock, other times I follow that morning’s nature sound to figure out what it is. Usually this curiosity leads me to something fascinating. For example, two days in a row I heard strange sounds, followed them and found a troop of capuchin monkeys. The second day I did this, I arrived just in time to see two fall mid-flight to the ground and not get up. I stood watch for a while and marveled at how the troop remained close by to make sure their fallen comrades were not alone. The two eventually woke up, dazed and stumbling around, to join the troop.

Then I go out to help feed and tend to the six horses. I spend time with them, give them water and showers with the hose and clean out their water trough. Often I go and pick mangoes to give them as a treat. Afterward, I make breakfast for my SIL and myself and we usually talk and decide what may happen that day.

The rest of the day I do whatever I feel like doing. Yesterday I went for a swim with the horses (SIL came, too) in the sea and then went for a horse run to the local grocery store. Many days, though, I don’t do much besides work and lay around. In the evening I usually lay in the hammock or talk with my SIL. I have taken a trip to the closest town a couple of times. I caught the bus with my SIL and then got on another one into the bigger town called Cobano where we buy larger items and have access to more stores, etc. This is where I will go to get my Covid test before I finally leave on the 18th.

By evening I am usually already getting tired by 6-7pm. The sun is setting anyway and my eyes and body feel heavy to the point that I can’t often fight the tiredness. Some nights the night creatures startle me. For examples, I keep having visits by land crabs. One was even trapped in my kitchen sink! I also see lots of large toads on my porch. I like to watch them stuff themselves on the buffet of fresh bugs my light attracts. The geckos are also interesting but I dislike them because they leave poop gifts all over, sometimes in my coffee cup! Yuck! I have to keep a fan on high in my room to stay cool and keep any flying bugs away. The mosquitoes can get really bad at night. Some mornings I wake up to random mystery bites on my body that itch and I wonder what critter crawled in bed with me. Thankfully, I sleep so good I don’t notice the bugs if they are on me.

Lately I’ve been missing some modern conveniences like a/c and hot showers. I even looked for a resort to spend my last week at but have not felt motivated to follow through. You can get a room at a resort for $700/week or less! Some come with great perks like breakfast and dinner included and/or a free Covid test. Ha! I get tired of some of the drawbacks of the simple life like septic systems that can’t handle TP (you put it in the trash and it tends to stink) and sauna like conditions that only go away in the late evening hours. I am sweating most of the time and it can make me feel dirty and gross. I also wish I had a car. I can go most places on foot but the best ones are too far to walk to. It would be nice to have some better food options and to not have to put everything in the fridge because of ants eating through the packages and feasting on unopened food! Thankfully ants don’t seem to like coffee. lol

Messages

Here are a some pictures of the critters I’ve seen repetitively and the messages they bring. All of the messages are true for me right now.

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Horse Healing and Message: Follow That Feeling

I’ve spent much of my time here at Resurrection Ranch taking time to myself, sleeping, resting, exploring nature and being among the horses. My goal for coming to Costa Rica and staying an additional three weeks is to, “Find myself” and to get space so that I can accomplish this.

My sister-in-law has been a great guide, listening and assisting me along the way. She most definitely has a gift when it comes to intuitively connecting with horses in order to receive their gifts. She is also a good listener and is very direct in her approach, which I appreciate as this is how I communicate as well – a no bullshit approach. Thankfully, we get along well with one another and seem to work well together. I have no concerns about her overall intentions in inviting me to her place to be with her and her horses. I feel she genuinely wants to help and has no ulterior motives.

Horse Healing

So far, I’ve experienced emotional release among the horses and while walking on the beach. Each time it felt like I received permission to let my guard down and relax. A voice spoke to me saying, “You are safe here.”

The very first time I was among the horses, it was evident that there is an energy the horses have that is healing and grounding. Every horse has this ability, but we humans don’t often feel it because we are so caught up in our minds, worries, anxieties and other things. If we are present in the moment and open to receiving, then we can connect and receive what the horses have to offer us. For me, it took a little while to get into a space where I was open and available to receive. When I did get into the space, I felt a strong pull in my heart chakra. The energy swirled and was very warm and with it I began to get emotional. I heard a distinct voice say to me, “It’s okay, you are safe here.”

That particular encounter was with a horse named Beloved. My sister-in-law told me that she had been abused previously and was very hesitant to come close to humans like she did with me. So it was quite an honor to have her work with/on me.

The next emotional release I experienced was when I went out for a walk at low tide. The shores of the beaches here are very rocky and when it is low tide the rocks extend for a very long distance. I decided I wanted to walk that distance to the ocean. When I first stepped foot onto the beach I again heard that voice say to me, “You are safe here.“ Something about hearing that voice caused me to become emotional and as I walked out on the rocks towards the ocean waves I allowed myself to release whatever emotion I was feeling.

Chocolate

The next significant emotional release came while interacting with a horse known as Chocolate (choco-latte). His energy and personality is very strong and he is a very big, black horse. He intimidated me when I first met him and for some reason he was very attracted to me. He would see me across the field and start coming towards me very fast. This would create a small panic response in me because he was so big and I was so small. Usually I would rush away or hide behind something so that I felt more safe.

According to my sister-in-law, Chocolate is one of the most powerful healers in the herd. He is very physical, using his mouth and his tongue to lick and nudge areas of a person that need to be cleared. He will also breathe very strongly around the areas that are in need of clearing or healing. When I feel safe around him, I am very drawn to this horse. He is beautiful and strong and has a magical energy about him. So, any time I see him I am very friendly and have become more and more courageous when interacting with him. Where before I would walk very quickly away from him to hide behind a fence or a tree, now I allow him to nuzzle my hands and get very close to me. When he is close he likes to put his mouth on certain parts of the body, which can be very uncomfortable. So I make sure to tell him what is comfortable and what is not and he seems to listen. My sister-in-law says that one of the lessons Chocolate teaches is how to establish firm boundaries. If you do not have firm boundaries, he will push what boundaries you do have, testing your limits. With me, he has listened and respected the boundaries I’ve set thus far.

Very recently, I went to clean the water trough and get water for the herd which consists of six horses total. I did this alone without any fear or concern. Of course, Chocolate was right there beside me as soon as I went to do this task. He then followed me and stood by me, asking me if I would allow him to help me. Now he didn’t use words, it was just a feeling I got from him. Being I was all alone with the herd and at that moment with him, I was a little hesitant. I would walk away and Chocolate would watch me and then come around to meet me on the other side. It was obvious he was not going to let me out of his sight. So finally I stood still and let him do his magic.

My sister-in-law says the horses will line up humans with their various chakras to help to balance and align the energy. What Chocolate did was he stood with his front legs parallel to my heart chakra (broadside). I was about 2 feet away from him. I made sure that I told him that I was willing to receive and I stood with my hands palms up in front of me to receive energy from him and the Universe. What I felt was a wave of energy hit my heart chakra and I began to cry. When I began to cry, Chocolate turned his head towards me as if he was feeling what I was feeling. I remember the biggest wave of energy was when I took the time to really look at the magnificent horse in front of me and marvel at his beauty. I said to him, “You are beautiful.“ That is when the most emotion surged out of me. He turned and looked directly at me and nuzzled one of my hands as if saying , “I see you.”

Eventually, he shifted his position to where he was facing me, his chest straight across from my chest. We stood this way for a while as the emotional release continued. What I was feeling was nothing specific really. It just felt like I had been holding my breath for all my life and was finally able to breathe.

I don’t know how long this took but it felt like a long while. Really though it was probably only about five minutes because the water trough was filling and it was done filling by the time this encounter ended.

When I broke contact with Chocolate I told him thank you and that he was beautiful. Being that close with a horse of his size, being completely vulnerable and exposed to something that could, at any moment, harm me, would be intimidating to anyone. Had I not taken the time to listen to what the energy of this magnificent creature was telling me, I most likely would have run in the opposite direction. But instead I stood close to him, trusted him and allowed him to give me the gift is here to give.

It feels like what Chocolate was communicating that I am beautiful and I am worthy of receiving love, his love, all love. I AM love. And, of course, that I am safe and protected.

Messages

Since I’ve been in Costa Rica, I’ve had repetitive messages coming through from various sources as well as some synchronicities. The main message I’ve been getting is to get out of my own way. Not only did I receive this directly from my guidance, but I’ve also heard it from others and read it recently. This message is paired with another message I got prior to coming here: “let it happen.“ It is a consistent message but since I’ve been in Costa Rica it has been even stronger. In fact, a fellow blogger just recently posted a blog post with that as the title. Coincidence? I think not.

Another thing that is coming up is Ayahuasca. I didn’t come to Costa Rica with the intention to take this medicine, but it continues to come up over and over again. One day, a man just walked up the driveway. He was from India and was very curious about horse spirit healing. He mentioned that he had just gone on an Ayahuasca journey and we sat and talked about it for a while. That same day the topic was also brought up again and has repeated since then. My sister-in-law says she can help me take that journey if I am interested. I am keeping an open mind. If it happens to come to me, then so be it.

I’ve also been waking with the same song on my mind every morning since I’ve been here on my own. The message comes from a Coldplay song called Adventure of a Lifetime. The one line that keeps repeating is, “we are diamonds taking shape.” It feels like I am being reassured that this journey I am on is part of a process, a refining process, that will contribute to me becoming the role model I am here to be.

Dream Message: Follow that Feeling

I am having some significant dream recall. Just last night I had kundalini dream activity that spurred me into wakefulness.

I was visiting the UK and it had snowed. I went to this vast lake and had a little baby with me that felt like my son. I decided I wanted to take a picture because it was so unreal.

There was this strange coffin like box, almost like a bassinet but large enough for an adult. It had high, oval shaped edges that were yellow with yellow fringe. It was in the middle of the beach and obviously placed there purposely. I only noticed it but did not approach it.

As I went to take a photograph of the lake, a group of young boys walked across the field in the back obstructing my view of the landscape. So I paused and looked around and had a sudden fear that my child would hurt himself. Looking at the scene it was so desolate but beautiful at the same time.

I decided to kneel down in the sand. The heel of my foot hit right around my root chakra. There was this pleasant energy that radiated from my root chakra and began to move upward. I remember the feeling was strong enough that I struggled with it and was especially concerned that it would wake me up. This means that I was lucid but not so much that I was controlling the dream. Just like I feared, the sensation of the spreading energy did wake me up. And as I was waking up I heard a voice. It said, “Follow that feeling.“ I responded with, “I can’t. I’m scared I’ll get lost.”

Once awake and hearing my response to the voice, I thought back to it and to myself, “I won’t get lost. There is no such thing.”

In reflecting upon that dream and the message, I think what I encountered was my own reluctance and fear of following a beautiful feeling, a feeling that is me. The fear is irrational. It reminded me of how I used to feel when I would lose sight of my mom in the supermarket. So I think the fear is more of feeling aimless and alone in life. I think at some point when I get more comfortable in my own skin that this fear will fall away and I will be more solid in myself.

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Pura Vida

I’ve been in Cabuya, Costa Rica since June 19th. My specific location is at Resurrection Ranch which is part of Horse Spirit Healing, a place created by my SIL whose specialty is Equine Gestalt Therapy.

My first impressions of Costa Rica were mixed. While the place is beautiful and tropical, San Jose was a typical, bustling city with an energy to match. They are under Covid restrictions which restrict travel and require masks among other things.

The first obvious difference was transportation. Rental cars were in short demand and apparently only high end models are automatic transmission. We witnessed a US couple walk away after discovering the car they reserved was manual transmission and no other cars were available. The models of cars were also different with many being older models from the US, most from the early 2000’s or earlier.

While our hotel was nice, it was not long before I began to see how the lifestyle here is very different from the US. You are lucky if you find a place with a/c and hot water. We had both, but the hot water took so long that I gave up on waiting for it. The a/c worked but made such a horrid sound that I opted to just turn it off. The sun rises around 5:30am and sets around 6:30-7pm. This doesn’t change throughout the year because there are no seasons really except for “rainy” and “dry”. The temps are also pretty consistent – humid and in the 80’s. Most Costa Ricans just don’t use a/c because the nights are pretty comfortable in the mid-70’s in most places. I hear the mountains get much cooler, though.

The drive to Cabuya took around 5hours and we had to get on a ferry to go to the peninsula. The roads were of good quality and navigation was not a problem. There were iguana crossing signs all over, which I thought was funny. I was grateful my husband is fluent in Spanish because there were tolls to be paid, about 5-6 total, on the way and the ferry tickets to be purchased. I know some Spanish but not enough to get into details, just enough to ask directions and prices, etc.

Once in Cabuya the reality of this place and just how “pura” it is was unavoidable. Cabuya is very rural and towns are not like ours, not by a longshot. A town is mostly just people with businesses from their homes along the roads. You only know you have entered a smaller town because of the sign.

Our accommodations were provided by my SIL who rents 400 acres and three cabanas. Our cabana was 2 bedrooms. It did have a/c (yay!) but the other amenities were sparse. The houses are built very simply and doors and windows are not sealed so every bug can enter and exit, and they do! Every morning it looked like the bugs had a party as the floors were covered in dead ones and excrement, carcasses, and ants or spiders or centipedes. Geckos hung out inside and chirped all night and day.

We had no hot water and no oven or microwave or really any more modern conveniences. It is like we were glamping (in an RV) but inside a house. The stove, had there been one, would have been tiny. Coffee makers are a luxury. Most people live outside on their porches during the day and into the night. Some have beds outside and are quite expansive. The kitchen I have now has no windows, just wire “screens”. Their washing machines are different, too, with one side to wash and the other to rinse and spin. If you want hot water to clean the clothes you have to boil it. There are no dryers used. They just hang the clothes outside. I discovered this is the norm. Everyone lives like this.

It took me most of the week to get use to living like this and now I am perfectly fine with it. I did not had any issues sleeping which was nice!

The weather was another surprise. We came in the rainy season and the storms sound like hurricanes when they blow through. With a tin roof I was sure the house would blow away, but it didn’t. I have since grown use to this, too.

The 80 degree weather feels like 90 or more. The humidity is killer and I grateful that I packed mostly tank tops and gym shorts that dry quickly and are made for high amounts of sweat. If I’m not wearing that I am wearing a bikini top with shorts (mine is like a half tankini). It makes it easier to just strip down and get in some water to cool down.

The activities we participated in were not planned. My SIL wanted us to meet and be with the herd, so we did lots of that. We also took advantage of a pool and restaurant across the road which also had a great beach. The only drawback of the beaches here is there are lots of volcanic rocks and stones which can cut your feet. The kids usually opted for the pool as did I but we did go into the ocean a few times. The water was also very dirty so when you got out you had to rinse off well or a piece of the sea would go home with you.

The flora and fauna constantly surprise me. The sounds never end and there are some odd ones! The frog sounds scared me at first but now I am use to them. They do not sound like any frog I’ve ever heard! The first morning, howler monkeys were close and I was thoroughly freaked out. If you’ve ever seen the movie I Am Legend, the sounds are like the infected. I immediately thought of that movie when I heard it. Not a nice sound to wake up to! I have sense gotten use to it, too.

There are also critters on the tin roof and fruits falling with a loud bang. Iguanas are the main visitors making scratching sounds that kinda freaked me out at first because I didn’t know what it was. The loud bangs from fruits falling in the night often wake me up. It sounds like someone kicking in the door.

Other things I’ve noticed: cell phone and data coverage are limited, everyone uses What’s App, the stores have limited food items but do carry some US stuff at extreme prices, fruit is everywhere so you just go outside and pick what you want (mangoes mostly). There are lots of naked toddlers as it is normal to just let them run around naked. People also let their kids (and pets) wander. The cars/bikes won’t stop for you so don’t get in their way. Going barefoot is common. There are land crabs that come into the house and crawl up the walls (ick!). The monkeys will throw their feces at you (hahaha). The natives here are called Tico. Most speak some English. You can go to “town” and get pretty much any food item that nature provides and then some – beer, honey, milk, jams/jellies, baked goods, chocolate, etc. There is even a local woman who does nails! Another local is coming to give me a massage on Sunday and there is a woman who teaches acupuncture. The store milk goes bad quickly so I drink almond milk but you can buy it fresh from someone in town. They do take US dollars but you will get their money back. Not many people smoke but drinking is common and drunk people not unusual. lol There is a “town drunk”. Ylang Ylang trees are native and the scent is intoxicating (I want one!). There are lots of Americans who have transplanted here as well as people from other countries. I met an India man yesterday and someone from the UK recently as well. It is not unusual to find someone just hanging out for months or years without ever getting residency.

I may write another post about the horse healing at a later date when I have time. Since I decided to stay on for three more weeks I should get around to it, but I’ve been focusing on being lazy and inactive since my family went back to the US.

Below are some images of my trip. The images of the cabana are of the one I am currently living in – one bedroom, no a/c or hot water and kitchen that allows all kinds of critters inside (land crabs for one).

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Lucid Dream: They’re Recycling People

For those of you wondering, I am still in Costa Rica. I stayed behind and will be here until July 18th. I will update more on my experiences at a later date. For now, I want to share something else.

I had a lucid dream last night. In the dream I was in a bar scene/restaurant. I have memory of interacting with my family briefly. I kept smelling an awful smell. Eventually I saw in a sink some old food in a see-through package. Someone had poured water on it and left it there to rot. I could smell this awful rotting smell (something ‘stinks’, something has been ignored too long) and I said, “Someone needs to throw that away.” The smell was quite putrid as if something had died.

Later, I was looking around at my surroundings, when suddenly I realized I was dreaming and lucidity hit me all at once. I walked over to a counter where a man was standing behind rows of small tobacco pipes. He also had rows of packaged tobacco. I looked through the tobacco picking up a very large package and then setting it down. I picked up a smaller package mentioning to the man that I didn’t think the large package was necessary. The man looked kind of skinny and nerdy. I remember smoking some tobacco (seeking comfort) with him but the pipe was so small that you could only take one hit. I also remember him handing it to me in the palm of his hand and his hands being very large.

I kept looking around as if looking for someone. This is when I realized a friend of mine was waiting outside the bar.

When I went outside, my friend was standing by the door looking at me. He/she was very beautiful and very tall. Probably about 7 feet tall. She/he had a long flowing brown hair and his/her back and the backs of the arms were glistening gold as if covered in scales. But the front of the body was not covered in this shiny material. I remember staring up at him/her in awe yet at the same time having no fear and knowing this person or Being was someone there to help me. I remember being told and/or Knowing that this person was a friend and a guide who came to assist me. I felt a kind of gentle urging from within to listen to and follow this Being.

A question was asked. He/she asked, “Do you want to know why you keep encountering the same people all the time?” When this question was asked I immediately saw a vision in my mind while simultaneously answering that I did want to know. I saw lines upon lines of people standing in a gray, factory-like setting. All of the people were staring ahead as if in a trance. With this I recognized I already knew what I was about to be shown and it made me afraid. I did not want to see it or acknowledge it. I told my guide matter-of-factly, “They are recycling people.“ In saying this I was overcome with a kind of dread. I was invited to journey with the Being to explore the nature of my vision but I pulled away. The feeling woke me up and I lay in bed feeling a kind of unsettled Knowing at what I had just experienced.

My guide remained with me after I awoke. We spoke for a while about what I had just dreamed and why I was having the feelings I was having. I had Remembered and for some reason I did not want to. This problem, I remembered, was part of the reason I am here on this planet and in this body. There are millions upon millions of people trapped in this physical reality and it is purposeful. The more unaware the people are of the illusion they are in, the more trapped they are, destined to be recycled in death back into a kind of energetic slavery.

Considerations

It has been a long time since I’ve had a dream with a very ET-like Being in it. I want to say this guide of mine was Andromedan but it doesn’t explain the strange, shiny scale-like skin on his/her back. I cannot say whether this Being was male or female, either. I felt it to be both. In the dream I could see him/her clearly and in great detail but my memory denies this to me now. I can only recall an overall impression and details are few. The most detailed memories are of the long, brown hair, large eyes and pale skin. He/she looked very human except for the eyes.

I knew that this Being wanted to take me somewhere to explain more of what I was receiving but my response was to turn away and try to deny what I was seeing. Honestly, I am unsure why I reacted like this. When I previously received such info (years ago now) this was not the case. I suspect there is something deeper that I am not willing to witness just yet.

When I asked why I couldn’t remember some of the experience I was told, “You are not ready yet.”

To think of so many trapped here and being “recycled” is not pleasant. I do feel there is truth to what I saw and Knew, though. If people do not wake up, they will return. Over and over and over again.

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Dream Message: Let Her Think She’s in Control

As our trip to Costa Rica grows closer, I keep falling into worry mode and have to pull myself out of it time and time again. It is tiring. I don’t understand why I have to turn every new situation or adventure into a worry-fest. Just the thought of being out of my comfort zone and I fall right into the mind-muck. The source is expectation, of course. I want to know what is going to happen. I want my efforts to have a reward that is worthwhile. So often I take a “risk” and end up with little to no reward and many times a definitive, “I shouldn’t have done that.” 

What do I expect out of this trip? I have no idea. At the least I would like to feel rested, revived, and cleared of the mind muck. I suspect since I will be around my husband and kids that this will not be the end result. I will likely be more tired at the end of the 10 days. If I stay behind then maybe I will be able to recover and obtain some semblance of what I am seeking. Maybe I will get more than that? Maybe not. The thing is, I just won’t know until I do it. 

My biggest worry is I won’t get any sleep. When I travel, I tend to struggle to get good sleep. If I have to share a room or bed with someone then no sleep is guaranteed, at least for a few nights until I crash from exhaustion. Interestingly enough, when we went to Montana last December I slept wonderfully. Similarly, when my family visited Corpus Christi years ago and we all shared a room, I also slept well. So there are exceptions to the sleep issue. I have struggled with sleep so much that I’ve pretty much just resigned myself to the fact that I will have problems. My way of coping is to just wait it out, even if it means I don’t fall asleep until after 3am. It took years of insomnia to finally get to this point, though. YEARS. So, I just hope for the best and if the worst happens, I suck it up and deal.

My best hope for the trip is that it will make a positive, lasting impression on me and the people I meet. I would love to find that “spark” of belonging and acceptance that comes along so very rarely in my life. I would love to feel some purpose again, to be invited to share my gifts and connect with others at a deep, spiritual level. 

My SIL practices Gestalt Equine Therapy. If you are unaware of what Gestalt Therapy is, it is a type of psychotherapy that has no real defined process. The horse provides the person with a kind of acceptance and grace that allows the person to relax and reach deep within to uncover issues. Gestalt Therapy works from the present NOW moment, also. 

I am not particularly drawn to this therapy and am not a horse lover, really. I use to love horses when I was a child, though. I drew them all.the.time and was fascinated especially with mares and foals. I also loved My Little Pony, so there you go. lol So, who know, maybe some healing will happen while there? I am not too happy with my SIL being my therapist, though. I don’t want her sharing my stuff with my husband. Hopefully she practices client confidentiality! 

Messages

I did a tarot spread a few days ago asking about how this trip will turn out. In general, it was positive, but there was no definitive answer other than advice to be careful about what decision I make.

First card – the present, where I am now – Movement, Choices, Decisions. It indicates that I am in a period of decision and movement. I am contemplating changes and wanting to move forward.

Second card – what is behind me – Stand Your Ground. I have stood my ground, not wavering and keeping firm boundaries. I have not given up control or compromised myself or my convictions. 

Third card – what lies ahead – Material Harvest – That which I have worked hard for will be rewarded. This card is about physical harvest – money, finances, material things. The 9 is about endings and wrapping things up. Finality. 

Fourth card – Hope – This card is about looking to the future and having hope that things will work out. It mentions how my Light will guide others toward me and encourages me to share my truth and journey with others.

Final card/answer – Choose Wisely – Many options and opportunities are available. Do not choose hastily but make a wise decision. Take your time to select the best option. Seek advice from those you trust. 

The same day I got a message from the Bible.

From the NIV:  Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.

Dream Message

Woke up from a dream that made me feel a bit nervous about what is to come. 

In the dream I was in a car (life path) driving (feeling in control) along a mountain road (difficult route). The radio (mental noise) was bothering me so I went to turn it off. The knobs I tried didn’t work, though, and a static sound with random words replaced the music that had previously been playing. The sounds bothered me. It made my mind feel strained and disrupted my focus on the road ahead. I frantically tried the last knob, clicking it off, but the sound remained.

Then, as I looked ahead, my vision was impaired (unable to see clearly, seeking clarity). It was like I was getting a migraine – tiny blurry blobs and random color spots appeared and made it hard to see the road and other cars. I do remember seeing a red car drive by and recognized I was in the left lane. There was a guardrail (safety) on my left and I could see rocky cliffs below and steep mountain all around. I could see parts of the road ahead but my view kept being interrupted by the blurry blobs of color. 

I gripped the steering wheel and kept telling myself to trust the process. I also told myself that I would be okay and other words of encouragement. I Knew that I would make it to my destination unharmed. I Knew that even if I fell asleep I would be okay and the car would continue on the path without running off the road or into another driver.

I think I saw storm clouds on the horizon and rain but I couldn’t be sure. Were the spots in my vision rain drops on the windshield or something else? I blinked but the spots remained.

As I woke up I heard a male voice say, “Let her think she’s in control.” 

Upon waking I was upset to hear the message and I began to think the worst of my immediate future. The message reminded me that no matter what I do, I won’t go anywhere unless my HS wants me to. I might feel like I am paving my own path, but I’m not. It is all a sham to make me feel I am in control. I’m never in control. So, of course, I began to feel like Costa Rica was one of those instances. It is just something to keep me occupied as I wait out the long road ahead. It is just another distraction, like giving the child in the back seat a video game because they are fidgety and asking, “Are we there yet?” over and over again. 

I thought of other trips and “distractions” in my life. Some were okay but mostly they just kept me occupied, focused on something else for a while, seeking something but not sure what. I thought of how my guides often advise me to, “Enjoy the ride”, meaning, do things I am interested in, curious about or enjoy while I wait for the next milestone. Problem is, I rarely enjoy the ride. I just cringe to think of how many more miles I have to endure it. 

My guidance interjected with, “Maybe you should try focusing on helping others for a while?” I understood the suggestion. I do feel much better when I focus on others. When I help others, I help myself. This has always been true. I give advice and I hear it as advice for myself, also. I pass on a message in a reading and also relate to it. I give Reiki and I, too, receive it. It is an amazing thing. Perhaps while in Costa Rica I will be invited to use my gifts to help others? That would be okay with me.

Eventually, I just got up and accepted my fate. I am going to Costa Rica. All the obstacles have been removed that can be for now. I may not be 100% interested in the trip, but it will keep me occupied, maybe for quite some time. And who knows, maybe I will experience some authentic healing along the way? I know that doing the same stuff all the time won’t get me any results.

I started my day thinking, “I need to ‘do the work'”.

My Destination

For those of you curious about where I am heading, here is a link to my SIL’s website – Horse Spirit Healing. The ranch is called Resonance Ranch and is located in Cabuya Costa Rica.

While I am away, my connection to the world will be limited. Internet is available but my US wireless phone service does not work there and I am not planning on getting a local wireless number and plan. I will likely use WhatsApp to communicate with people in the states as well as other forms of social media like Facebook and Instagram. I don’t know yet how reliable the internet is. Will I be able to work remotely if I decide to stay? I just won’t know until I get there. If I stay for any significant length of time (my visa will be for 90 days) then I may purchase a wireless phone plan for $8.95USD/month but it is not necessary as WhatsApp provides all that is needed phone-wise. I still have to download it, though. lol

I may or may not do updates via my blog. We will see what happens. 🙂

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LYD Zoom FAIL and Info on Authority

Attended the Living Your Design (LYD) Zoom meeting and was quite disappointed. First, there were a total of 18 participants! So the group was too big IMO for any kind of meaningful, connected discussion to occur. The majority of the participants were young, also, which created a completely different vibe, one I was not thrilled about. As a teacher, the group reminded me of my elementary aged students – ages 6 or so. When I would ask a question, every.single.student would raise their hands, most of them rising out of their seats, and all of them saying, “Me, me, me! I know! I know!” This is what the attendance energy was like. I could feel from all of them how desperate they were for one-on-one attention. And when they were called upon, they eagerly took up way too much time talking about themselves, going on tangents or asking multiple questions.

Part of the group dynamics and this “desperate to be heard” feeling came from the fact that the majority of the attendees were Projector types. Why would this be? Well, Projectors have to “wait for the invitation” and, as you can imagine, the waiting can be difficult to endure. So, to be in a group where an invitation is assumed allows the Projector to speak their truth. This is what they have been waiting for!!! So, yeah, lots of very eager beavers, all ready to speak their truth which they’ve been holding in for what feels like forever. Then both facilitators were also Projectors, ha! They loved sharing their charts the most. Ugh. You may wonder, “Weren’t you eager, too?” Not really. I may have spoken if requested but I was not feeling it. I felt like observing and that was what I did. I learned a long time ago that group invitation has its limits, too, and most are not truly open to what I have to say. They will really only listen if what I say is about them and serves to guide them in some way.

Second, the first 2 hours was a review of the course and full of repetitive questions by people who either weren’t in attendance for the original question or were wasting their time in the chat room, not paying attention to the actual class (OMG so annoying!). Why they had the chatroom open, IDK, but the amount of notifications I was getting was distracting. It was obvious some of the students knew each other and they were chatting about personal topics related to HD but not related to what was currently being discussed. As a teacher, seeing the chat going on while the teacher was teaching, was a big trigger to me. It screamed disrespect.

The last three hours was meant to discuss authority specifically. Again, the students were eager beavers and the amount of time that was spent on emotional, splenic and sacral authority was ridiculous. To give you an example, when Splenic authority was the topic, I went downstairs to eat lunch and folded an entire load of laundry and they were STILL talking about it! I got up again and did more stuff and came back and they finally moved on from it. I would say they spent a total of 30 minutes just on that authority. There was only 2 hours total to focus on all the different authorities, too!

I waited patiently throughout because I wanted to hear about G-Center authority specifically. I didn’t want to talk or share or any of that really. In fact, I would have been horribly embarrassed had they called on me specifically. I just wanted to hear more on it and if a question came to me I would ask it. What ended up happening was that so many in the group were of the most common authority types (emotional, sacral and splenic) that by the time it got to G-Center the time had run out and the facilitators decided, “We will save that for the next Zoom.” UGH!!!! I won’t be in that one because I will be in Costa Rica!!

Sure, I could’ve left the meeting at any time and I did take breaks and shut off my video for most of it. When I tuned into my authority to see what I should do, I felt like there was nothing pressing going on that needed my attention and so I might as well stay. So that’s what I did. 

I was thoroughly frustrated with the experience in the end. In my observation of the participants and their behavior, I saw that most were fascinated with this new “toy” they had found and eager to share and explore it. They wanted to talk with their friends about it and do what children do with new toys. This mirrors the FB groups I’m in. All very young (20’s-early 30’s) and self-absorbed. It’s newness will eventually wear off and when they are asked to actually “do the work” a good half or more will fall away, distracted by another new “toy” that promises to give them all the answers and show them the way. I want to scream at all of them and say, “YOU have to do the work! HD is a tool. It is not meant to tell you what to do! It is not a fast track. There IS NO fast track!” 

The types of questions they were asking indicated they were looking for an answer to fix everything that is “wrong” with themselves. They all wanted a quick fix. Who doesn’t? But HD isn’t that. 

What is interesting, is that toward the end of his life, Ra Uru Hu expressed similar frustrations with people who came to him. They wanted him to tell them what to do. He got so exasperated that he eventually stopped engaging with people like that and called them on it. WTG Ra! I had similar concerns when I gave readings full-time. Too often people wanted me to tell them what to do, to make life decisions for them. It really turned me off to the point that I started putting limits on psychic readings. My rule was, “Don’t come back for another reading on the same topic until it has been 6 months.” I kept records, too, just because so many would come back and ask the SAME questions!!!

There was this guy, I will call him, “Splenic guy” because he was thoroughly obsessed with his splenic authority and had tons of questions, most that were really off topic and had no relevance to the class. He was called on at least four times throughout the class and each time he took up so much time that I ended up walking away from the computer each time because I couldn’t take it. When he got an answer it wasn’t good enough. Why? Because they were telling him he had to learn on his own. They didn’t give him the quick fix he wanted. Sigh. 

The good news is I learned a lot about the authorities. 

Solar Plexus (emotional) authority – “The longer you wait, the sweeter it tastes”. Don’t rush into things. Take your time. Ride the emotional wave. This means let the emotion go through all it’s stages until you are back to a settled, “flat” emotional feeling. Only then do you make a decision. This means that when something really tasty and wonderful comes along, wait it through to the end, when that tastiness is just a comfortable part of the experience and not a “woah, I want more of that!’. Only then do you move forward with a decision. Do I want this? If yes, do it. If no, don’t.

A good example – My mom is emotional authority. My sister blocked her on FB when she found out my mom supported Trump and didn’t take Covid seriously. My mom was very hurt and crying when she came to me and for my mom, who rarely shows her emotions, this was a big deal. She said she was going to take my sister out of her will. I advised her to wait a bit before doing anything drastic and reminded her to focus on the love she felt instead. I advised that she may make a decision she regretted otherwise. 

Sacral Authority – this is an easy one. You will get a “yes” or “no” response from your sacral. It is pretty obvious if you are not in your mind all the time and second-guessing it. If you ignore a “no” and do something anyway, be prepared to suddenly find yourself exhausted or struggling to find energy to follow through. 

Good example of this: My husband is sacral authority. He tends to say yes to everything (he has an open heart center, also) and rather than change his mind and pull out, he follows through no matter what. The result is he finds himself unusually tired for no reason, taking naps mid-day and struggling to find the energy to do things. When he does things he enjoys, however, he has endless energy. So, I try to encourage him to do those things instead, but he just can’t say no to certain people. His Not-Self wins too often.

Splenic Authority – Most common Projector authority BTW. This one is a split second response of “yes” or “no”. It is very easy to miss because the “voice” is really quiet. The Spleen responds “in the moment” and can change from moment to moment. So the response is for the present moment only and so that means in the next moment that response could change. So, at 1pm you may get a “yes” to go to that party but at 5pm, while at the party, you may get the “no” response. The problem is that if you miss the response then it is gone and then you are stuck with a prior one or second-guessing yourself. This could lead you to a not so good result. Maybe you just have a bad time at the party or it could be that you miss another better opportunity that you would have been led to had you listened and followed your authority in the moment.

I’ve got lots of people in my life with this authority and so it was very familiar to me its “changeable” tendencies. My MIL is splenic. OMG she is frustrating sometimes! She is ‘yes, no, yes, no’ in crazy amounts. With her, though, it is because she doubts her splenic response and asks people for advice. Her tendency is to do what others want when her spleen tells her “no”. The end result is that she ends up doing stuff she never should’ve agreed to do. Similarly, my friend really struggled with this when she was younger. I watched her jump around from one thing, place, job, relationship to the next as if she was a yo-yo. Her path looked like a zig-zag and the one thing you could always count on was that she was going to change her mind, probably right in the midst of something. She absolutely hated this about herself, but this is what being Splenic Authority is all about! It’s her Not-Self telling her something is “wrong” with her for bouncing around. What if that is exactly what she is suppose to do? 

Most of the Splenic’s in the group were like my friend. They hated that they were bouncing around and felt guilty for changing their minds. Surely they are doing something wrong, right? Nope. 

Another thing I learned from the abundance of time spent on this authority, is that people with a define Spleen (not necessarily their authority) are more likely to be worried about and waiting for that “life or death situation”. When there is nothing going on and nothing to worry about, they are worrying about the ‘what if’s’ related to survival. They are primarily concerned with survival and so when something survival related comes up, there is a tendency to go into fear. The more defined channels and gates in the Spleen, the more fear response.

I laughed about the survival focus and fear response because my MIL is a perfect example. She will go into a frenzy over the most minor survival related things. For example, the car we let her use needed insurance renewed. She had no money (always the case with her) and she was certain that if she didn’t have insurance she would get in a wreck and “bad” things would happen. She called my husband and harassed him for two weeks, leaving multiple voicemails and even calling me several times, just because she could not stop worrying about the “what if’s” if she let the insurance lapse. The thing is, she had two more weeks before it was due. LOL

My MIL is an extreme example, of course, and a perfect example of what happens when you let your mind rule over your authority. My friend doesn’t do this. She is calm and present in the moment. She is a good example of how to follow her authority. 

What I learned is that I’m very grateful for my G-Center authority. LOL I think the last kind of authority I would want is Splenic. I feel for you guys!! 

Heart (Ego) Authority – this one was covered only slightly. Basically, it is a “yes” or “no” response, also. The warning the facilitators gave is to be very careful of what you commit to because those with Ego authority will feel compelled to follow it through to the end. If they don’t, they will really feel split within. I think the facilitator described the feeling as if a limb were being pulled off his body. lol That’s sounds really awful actually. Someone with an open heart, on the other hand, may make too many commitments and then find out they can’t follow through to the end. They eagerly say ‘yes’ only to discover they don’t want to anymore or just can’t. I have a completely open heart center and I have to say I rarely if ever do this. I usually tell people, “I don’t know. I have to see how I feel when the times comes” when asked to do things. If I do commit, I don’t have an issue pulling out and I rarely feel guilty for doing that. I use to when younger, but not anymore. 

G-Center (Self-Projected )Authority – We never got to this authority in the meeting. This is my authority, though, so I will share what I know and my experience of it. This is ONLY a Projector authority. You won’t have it with any of the other aura types. It is also very rare. My struggle with this authority is that I don’t necessarily know what I want or what makes me happy, so following that usually doesn’t work for me. I have to ask myself how a decision makes me feel. I have learned that if I feel nothing, then it is a neutral result, so I just need to decide if I want to spend energy on whatever it is. Will their be a benefit from it? If not, I don’t do it usually. The thing about this authority is that the BIG life decision are obvious but the little ones are not – at all. And big decisions are rare, like once every 7 years – or more! When a big decision comes along, it feel literally moved toward action in one direction. It’s not something I can resist. The smaller decisions are what G-authorities get stuck on the most (as do I). It can be hard to know what to do or not do at times and usually I do…nothing. It can be frustrating but that is, I’ve found, what works best. I spent way too many years saying yes to things that didn’t appeal to me. I now know that if I don’t like it and my immediately response is “no”, to not do it. Period. The speaking the truth is also an indicator. I often don’t soundboard like is suggested but I literally hear the answer in my mind/body if I don’t speak it, which is the same.

IDK if other G-Centers have this experience, but for me, my HS speaks directly to me. I hear a voice, sometimes audibly, but most times it just “arrives” as if my own thought, out of the blue. It teaches me. It guides me. It gives me info. If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you understand some of it. It is unique, that is for sure. It often tells me my own future, shows me glimpses of it even, and it comes to pass later after I’ve forgotten and I have an OMG moment. It is always surprising me. It never gets old.

Environment (Outer) Authority – This is the authority of a Mental Projector. I don’t know much more than the image indicates here. It is very similar to G-Centered in that speaking to others (soundboard) is helpful but there is a time condition to this in that you speak with others over time to get clarity. The main point of this authority is that you look out into the environment to get your answer. You use others to help get clarity by listening to what you say to them.

Lunar (Moon) Authority – Reflector only authority. This one is pretty self-explanatory. You wait 28 days before making a decision. Sound-boarding is good for this authority, also. I like that this one has a time stamp. I wish mine did!

References:

Bunnell, Lynda and Ra Uru Hu. (2011). The definitive book of human design. Carlsbad, CA. HDC Publishing.