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Kundalini Dream Message: That’s Not the Problem

Unexpected Kundalini surprise in a dream this morning. It’s the first time in a long while that I’ve felt good upon waking. 

But first another short dream, one where I see my grandmother.

Dream: Wrinkled

This dream is fuzzy now but when I had it, it was quite vivid.

I am outside near my grandparent’s chicken coup and rabbit hutches. It is dark and the scene seems to shift between being outside to a dark room. My grandmother is with me and when I realize it is her I apologize to her for having her run so much. In my mind I am seeing my grandmother sprinting across the yard. It feels like I am training her to help her lose weight and get in shape. I mention to her that she was 82 at the time and probably too old to be running. She reassures me that I did not cause her death. I feel somewhat better. 

The conversation shifts to old age and wrinkles. My grandmother mentions how old and wrinkled her face got as she aged. I see her face clearly, remembering fondly how beautiful she was. I tell her that I think her wrinkles are beautiful. They come from smiling and singing. I trace the smile lines around her cheeks and say the singing wrinkles are the most beautiful to me.

Message

I woke up remembering my grandmother and considering the messages in the dream. A whisper of a question came to me, “How long has it been since you last sang?” I knew the answer was, “Too long.”

The messages, hidden in symbolism in the first part, seem to point to out how I am fighting a losing battle. Trying to outrun old age doesn’t work. It finds us all. Getting older can be a beautiful thing. It feels like she was suggesting that I will “run” myself to death if I continue in the direction I am going. She, herself, did similar. The suggestion is to focus on “smiling” and “singing”, which to me means doing the things that bring me joy. Singing is one of them. I don’t smile or sing very much these days. 

The dream comes after I told my personal trainer I need to take a break. For two weeks I am going to take it easy. After that I will start back on training, hopefully with a new mindset. I struggle with the idea of stopping altogether because I know that I need to keep my body healthy and exercise is the way to go. However, too much and with the wrong goal in mind, will not make me happy. Love for one’s body doesn’t mean forcing it to look a particular way, it means listening to it, down to a cellular level even, in order to better gauge what it needs. 

Kundalini Dream: That’s Not the Problem

The dream begins with my return from a vacation with my family. We arrive at a classroom (life lesson). It resembles an elementary classroom. My memory of where I was is not accessible. All I recall is a plane followed by being at the classroom door. There is also memory of parting ways with someone, a man who accompanies me. 

The man, who I can’t see but is standing behind me, asks me a question before I enter the classroom. He asks, “Are you sure you don’t want to come to the library (to seek wisdom) with me?” When he asks me, I recognize the time is 4pm and that he is suggesting I skip school and go with him. I tell him I need to go but don’t speak any words. He sends me a feeling of, “Okay, your loss” and leaves. His general energy is positive and somewhat amused, like he is saying, “I told you so”, in advance.

When I walk into the classroom it is very full. All the desks have young students in them and a female teacher is at the front. I ask the teacher what is going on, why is my desk occupied? She tells me they are playing a game and points to the back of the classroom. She says, “You can sit there.” I see what looks like an upside down bucket (self-restraint). I think, “She wants me to sit on that?” I feel insulted but don’t argue. I look at the floor as I walk to the back of the room and sit in the makeshift “desk”. 

I observe the “game” for a while from the back of the classroom. It appears the students are enjoying themselves but I can’t remember any specifics about the game except that students would walk down the isles of desks one at a time. 

Looking around me, I see clothes hanging from hooks above my head. It reminds me of a souvenir shop. I see t-shirts and tank tops with various messages written on them. I decide I want one, because, why not? But I can’t see any I like. 

Meanwhile, the students are all very immersed in their game. I am invited to take part but decline the invitation. I am just not interested in playing. The sense I get here is that I don’t belong and is similar to how I often feel in life. I watch people “playing the game” all around me but rarely, if ever, participate. 

Then I get a text message on my phone. When I look at who sent it, I realize it is the man who dropped me at the classroom door. I think, “Why is he texting me?” The sense is that this man is just an acquaintance and not someone who would communicate with me outside of work hours. 

When I read the text I instantly realize this man is much more than he seems to be. The text itself is lost to me (which is disappointing!) but the feeling I get as I read it is very vivid. He tells me that what I am doing is not working and gives me a synopsis of my current life issues. The issues involve my current relationship specifically. I do, however, remember the last thing he said, which was, “But that’s not the problem.”  

As I read his text, my heart chakra exploded with bliss, feeling to open up to the point that it extended all the way to my feet. I instantly knew the man’s intentions. It was a complete surprise, totally unexpected. I had no resistance whatsoever. If there was any, it melted away. All I wanted to do was respond to his invitation with a “YES”.  

Let It Happen

Before I could ask him to elaborate on what he said, I woke up, heart still expanded and bliss pouring through my body. I was thinking, “Tell me what the problem is” as I woke and I was a bit miffed at myself for waking up before I could get an answer. I knew there wouldn’t be one. I would be left hanging, but I didn’t care. I was too caught up in the heart bliss. Oh how I’ve missed it!!

I remember thinking to myself, this (the heart bliss) is what I’ve been missing. I can have all the orgasmic, erotic, tantalizing Kundalini one can imagine, but without the heart bliss, it will always be lacking. Without the heart, the merging of Heaven and Earth cannot – WILL NOT – happen. 

To my surprise, the heart bliss remained for a long while after (at least an hour) and I dipped into the in-between where I communicated with the man in my dream who sent the text message. Whether he is a guide, a person, or both, I can’t say. We talked. My mind was going all over the place, questioning what this experience meant and wondering if there would be more. What I heard in response was, “Just let it happen”. Ha! Just like the song I wrote about here. 

A chorus of a song was going through my mind while I lay there floating in bliss. This is the part I recall:

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

The more you say, the less I know
wherever you stray, I follow
I’m begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans, that’s my man

When I finally got out of bed for the day, I had a slight pulling in the left side of my chest. It wasn’t painful but it was enough that I knew a block had been released, or was releasing. This isn’t really much of a surprise because I have been so emotional lately. I’m pretty sure I’ve been doing some heavy duty clearing work in my sleep. 
Another song was going through my head as I got out of bed. It repeated:

And I want you to unravel me (but I heard “Remember me”)
Come closer, come closer……

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Becoming the Role Model

As a 6/2, the 6th line being my conscious personality, I go through three distinct phases in my life. I am quickly approaching the last phase which coincides with my Chiron return (around age 50). During this phase I am meant to step into my role as a Role Model. My incarnation cross is Left Angle Cross of Refinement. My profile type in combination with my incarnation cross is what ultimately defines my purpose on Earth.

I have been feeling a pull toward coming down from my rooftop observation point in life and rejoining the world. Prior to going up on the roof, my life was definitely more unstable in the sense that I felt directionless and alone. I went to school, got married and divorced and discovered my spiritual abilities all before my 28th year when I had my Saturn Return. By the time I met my current husband around the age of 30, I was very ready for a much more stable and comfortable position in life.

The idea of being “on the roof” leads one to believe that the 6th line has it easy, but my time there has been anything but. It continues to involve lots of trial-and-error! The main difference between my first phase and second was that I settled down and focused on family. I had a secure foundation on which to do that and so was able to really focus on myself and those things I wanted in life. As a result of my newfound security, I was able to devote time to learning/study, something Hermits excel at. I got a Master’s degree but also dove into learning about physical fitness, out-of-body travel and Kundalini. So, being “on the roof” for me was about delving deeper into myself without the dramas of the first phase of my life. Sure, there was uncertainty and questioning but I also had a great support system in place to assist me in transitioning when needed.

Lately I have been contemplating the question, “What does being role model mean for me?” Honestly, I am a bit concerned about it because I can’t really picture myself as a “role model”. Ha! So, I’ve been asking my guidance to help me to see what this role looks like for me. I am happy to be this role model, but I feel unprepared and doubt that others will embrace me as such.

My contemplation took me to considering my path up to this point, how my path seems to twist and turn as I am pulled along by others. Always pulled along by others. Interestingly, I recently read that my profile and incarnation cross specifically indicates I cannot and will not become the role model I am meant to be without the assistance of others. I have purposefully created this dilemma, I know, and I can’t help but laugh about it. Here I am, with high hermit tendencies, swearing I would be happiest living alone and far away from other people, only to find I can’t make any progress without their help!

I mentioned in another post the idea I just had about building a cabin on my mother’s property so I have a place to retreat to without interference from other’s energies. Well, this weekend I visited my mother and presented her with my idea. Turns out, the timing couldn’t be more perfect.

Some things had happened my mom hadn’t told me about. First, they got a home equity loan to work on the pond on the property and do other improvements. They had already moved dirt and put in a road to access the back 10 acres.

My mom also told me that my younger sister disowned her in February. They had a phone conversation and my mom mentioned she wasn’t a believer in Covid. Then my sister asked her if she was a Trump supporter. Well, my mom told her she was and my sister hung up on her. Not long after she blocked her on FB and did the same to our brother when he said he supported Trump. My mom has not been able to contact my sister since. My mom was in tears because she couldn’t believe my sister would be so petty and break ties over political views. I listened, held space for her and told her I wasn’t surprised. My sister has been moving toward total family disconnect for years. She was just waiting for an excuse to do so. I advised my mother to try to make decisions from a place of love. My mom said she is trying.

Later, my mom expressed how she feels creating a spiritual retreat out of her land is her life’s purpose. She said, “It’s all I think about. It keeps me awake at night.” I told her I would help her however I could. Honestly, while there with my mom I could see myself building and expanding on her dream. I told her it would have to be non-denominational, and she agreed that was okay. She wants me to manage it when it’s complete. She even told me I could build my cabin as a permanent residence. She is excited about the idea of creating a lodge with a reception and rooms for rent. Our visions matched and I couldn’t be more happy to hear this.

My husband is going to use AutoCad to create plans for the layout of the retreat space (cabins, lodge, RV hookups, camp sites). He is then going to help me create plans for the main lodge. I love creating house layouts, btw. I did the layout for the addition at our old house and have always enjoyed creating spaces.

Speaking of “creating spaces”, this is part of my incarnation cross. Ha! The Left Angle Cross of Refinement is all about creating spaces and believing everyone has the right to privacy and a space of their own. It’s about bringing alignment and refinement to a chaotic, disordered world.

After my visit with my mom the retreat idea has stayed with me. I thought of how cool it would be to manage a spiritual retreat and various ideas came to me. With the recent change to our financial situation, we can really do whatever we want. That is a wonderful place to be!

Modelo

On my morning walk I asked the Universe to show me if I am on the right path. I did this two days in a row. Both times I was provided with answers.

The first find was a single, unused cigarette in perfect condition laying on my path. The second find was an unopened bottle of Modelo beer. LOL

The first thing I thought upon finding the cigarette was “tobacco ceremony”. My second thought was “celebration”. A Google search revealed the symbolism, which is reaching adulthood or maturity.

The beer made me laugh because I thought, “Now I have a beer to drink while I smoke.” lol Of course, I have no intention to smoke or drink.

I didn’t think on it much after until I was cleaning dishes later that morning. I realized Modelo means “model”. In other words, “role model”. I became emotional because I was hit with recognition of the message all at once. It was an indicator that the Universe was acknowledging my question and confirming an answer will be provided. It said to me, “Follow your heart. You will Know.” And I felt that helping my mom with her retreat aligned with my purpose. I may not know how exactly, but I am open to whatever comes. It is very possible that part of my mom’s purpose is to create this space while also to helping me realize my path/purpose. Like I mentioned previously, my purpose cannot be realized without the help of others.

Along with the “model” message, the symbolism indicates that yes, this is a time of celebration and maturation. A path is starting to take shape.

I also felt a tinge of sadness. It is hard to describe why but it has to do with knowing that to help with this retreat puts me in a position to be resented by my sisters. I feel unable to do much about this and feel it is something that has to play out. My mom told me she is leaving her house and the retreat to me in her will and leaving the back 10 acres to my brother (a 2/4 Generator who wants to live there). If this remains in place when she passes, it will most definitely create major upset. I have resolved that if this happens, I will do whatever I can to appease my sisters and keep the peace but I won’t do anything to upset the energy/balance of a sacred space. I do hope my mom changes her will to allow give them more, but if she doesn’t I need to recognize the potential for some very heavy, negative energy.

There is another piece to this. My entire life I’ve said that my ideal living space would be a home near a pond in the country. The pond would be large and full of fish so that I could go fishing whenever I wanted. It is funny, but then this has always been what I think of when I think of my ideal space. I love to fish and would like nothing more than to own my own private fishing pond. My mom is working very hard to create a pond that will not lose water so that it can be stocked with fish. In our area, ponds that retain water are rare. You have to have a spring that runs year long. In order to create a functional pond, my mom is going to hire someone to line it and make sure it holds the water. Then she is going to equip it with a system to circulate and add water as needed. It will basically be like a swimming pool, but for fish. It is also massive, like a small lake. It will be everything I envisioned in my perfect space.

I am not expecting anything at this point. I will let the Universe show me what to do/where to go. I am also going to be patient.

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Let Your Light Shine

Woke this morning in tears. Sleep has been good but with good sleep comes dreams and, in this case, counseling.

Dream: Earth is Hell

The dream began in a large, open space like a school cafeteria. There were tables where stations had been set up. I knew I was a teacher and attending a gathering of other teachers.

I remember working with a student. He was about 10 years old, African American and very troubled. All the students I worked with were troubled. There were other students in the group with him and I was giving them various tasks, most simple cleaning tasks. When I gave this boy a task he outright refused and walked away. I followed him and saw his anger at knowing I was not going to give up on him. I remember knowing I needed to approach him carefully, that any pressure would cause him to get confrontational. I knew he was capable of physically injuring me and would if provoked. So, I opted to be gentle and patient with him despite wanting to shake him vigorously in my impatience. He listened but I remember knowing he didn’t hear my words, so I focused on sending him love and acceptance. I somehow knew through the whole interaction that I was practicing and that I was meant to practice in this space. I also knew my human self would not be so patient. But the more I practiced, the more likely my human self would Remember.

Afterward, I went to a “station”. They were handing out slips of paper and other teachers were taking them. I remember seeing students across the room. I felt very tired. A coworker took a slip of paper, volunteering for some project. I remember not wanting to participate in any of them. She sat with for a bit, giving me a choice of 4 questions to answer. I selected the question about my “condition”. I told her I was disinterested in life and very sad. I remember worrying about telling her this. I thought, “I’m depressed. If they know I’m depressed they may fire me.”

The woman listened attentively and offered support saying, “We will help you.” She then pointed to a man across the room mentioning he had just separated and was available. I assumed she meant he was single and she was looking for a relationship. I suggested she talk to him and she smiled and gave an excuse. Looking back on this, I am not sure that was what she meant.

Then I was walking through the same space to a section that was set up as a gym, only the machines were none I recognized. I tried using a few but didn’t know how to operate them. I just ended up feeling foolish as I got tangled up in them. Some I recognized must be massage chairs, others I couldn’t figure out at all.

At one point I walked past some men sitting in a group using machines. I sat in the machine hoping to use it but had no idea how. One man asked me about something I was carrying on my back. I hadn’t noticed it. He told me, “That is something a coroner (preoccupied with death) uses” and pointed to a room I could see through a large viewing window. I thought, “Janitor’s closet” but he said “coroner”. He suggested I put it back and I began to look around but had no idea where to go. He said, “Here, let me take it for you.” He lifted the contraption off my shoulders, smiling. I thanked him and looked more closely at the thing he took off me. It looked like it had stirrups with cuffs and long chains. I wondered how it was used. Just like all the other things in this “gym” none made any sense to me.

I walked to a more isolated section and saw my husband sitting on the floor. I mentioned to him that they had saunas (he was looking to use one yesterday) and he just smiled and pulled me toward him. This is when I saw a tiny pair of grey toddler shoes. I said to him, “Look! These look just like the ones Elek use to wear.” I had a moment of nostalgia and then pulled away. I remember feeling his needy energy and not wanting to stay in it.

I ran into my mom and we walked around together looking at stuff in the gym. We approached a podium and there was a woman there who seemed like a host. On the podium was a small box that had something inside. When I opened it, I saw it was full of tobacco. I put it all back in and thought I should give it to my Mom’s husband who smokes.

There was another group of people sitting together in yet another machine. It had rounded edges with comfortable seats like inside a hot tub. In each seat was a person with a pencil. I recognized the game and said, “Look, their playing your game – Words with Friends! You should join them.” My mom joined them happily.

Nearby, a man was standing with a group of people. They were discussing purgatory. Someone asked me if I believed in hell. I said, “Earth is hell. I should know, I’ve talked to the dead all my life.” When I said this I felt a familiar feeling inside. It is like a part of me lights up. At the same time I feel like everyone around me is receptive to what I have to offer. All attention is on me. I realized then that I was speaking my Truth. I Remembered where I come from and the stark contrast between that place and the one I was now living (not in the dream) was upsetting. I became overwhelmed at all the darkness and despair. I could feel it seeping into my Being. It was so dark.

At this moment I felt someone put their hands on mine. When I looked up, a whole group of people were gathered close around me. They were sending me unconditional love and acceptance. They recognized and truly saw me.

The last thing I saw was the woman who had put her hands on mine. The way I experienced it, I must have been on my knees because they were all standing over me so closely they formed a dome over my head. The woman was familiar.

Let Your Light Shine

I woke up in tears and lay in bed sobbing for some time.

I knew the woman whose face I had just seen in my dream. I don’t know why I didn’t recognize her in the dream. It was so obvious who she was. It was the woman whose job I now have. The woman who had died of cancer, who I had watched slowly deteriorate and lose connection with this reality. She always loved me and believed in me. She was so gracious, calm and patient in life yet she was very much like me. We got along wonderfully and she would confide in me things she would not normally tell people. She always told people how much she loved me, though she never told me this. It seemed pre-destined how our meeting and departure happened.

But it was not grief that woke me. It was Knowing that I had fallen into the darkness and was being lifted out. As I woke the group from the dream communicated with me, telling me that I was never alone and to return to that feeling of love and acceptance anytime I felt overwhelmed by this place. They reminded me that my normal state of Being was one of openness, acceptance and love.

The tears came freely when I was told this because I Knew it was correct. And in that moment I could feel so much! All the energy and emotions of the Earth, the Collective on Earth. I didn’t know what to do with it all. How does one manage? It is too much! I can’t help everyone, but that is all I want to do. I want it all to go away, to stop, to make it all better.

I instantly recognized that I had been protecting myself from the overwhelming state of this place by shutting down but it was not working anymore. My purpose is to feel deeply all of it. They assured me that if I took refuge in Them, that I could and would succeed.

Eventually the tears stopped but I couldn’t sleep. My guidance continued to talk to me. Instances in my life flashed in my memory. They told me, “Let your Light shine”. With it came a memory from when I first started teaching. The schizophrenic student I had. I’d been called to a special meeting to discuss him. I was told by another teacher there, “You are the only one of his teachers we could invite.” When I asked why, they told me that his illness manifests as him seeing everyone as evil and dark. He would not listen to anyone who he perceived to be this way. His mother told them that he described me as an angel, one of the only ones that wasn’t dark/evil. My memory of that time is a picture. In the picture I see a Light Being whenever I think of his description of me. I am also overcome with such grief at the memory because, in the meeting, they said to the student, “Look Chris. Your teacher is here.” He looked at me without any expression, but he did look. After that meeting I broke down in tears in my car.

That student never returned to school. He was institutionalized.

I was also reminded of a question I had asked before sleep.

My husband and I had a disagreement before bed. So, I went to bed wondering what was wrong with me. Why did I feel the way I did and react the way I did all the time? Surely I must be a control freak?

Then I was reminded of something I had realized in March. It wasn’t that I was a control freak. It was that I wanted to help. All of it came from that place within me that wishes only to be of service. Yet it feels like no one, not even my husband, wants my help.

March 29: Practicing my Design

Loud noises in my house me woke me up. I heard the distinctive sounds of weights hitting the floor and knew my husband was working out. When I got out of bed and saw my husband he was doing squats. I immediately saw he had incorrect form and was trying to lift too much weight but I didn’t say anything. In the past, when I’ve attempted to help him by showing him correct form, he has gotten very irritated with me. I knew that saying something to him would likely create the same response from him and so kept silent. It was at this point that I my strategy came to mind. I need to “wait for an invitation” before giving advice or helping, but I knew he would never ask. I thought to myself, “But he might hurt himself using that much weight and incorrect form.” 

I went downstairs, walking right past him and fighting the urge to offer assistance without an invitation which is what I normally do. I remembered reading that if an invitation is not given and the Projector feels they just absolutely need to inform that the Projector can ask the person if it is okay for them to help. 

When I came back upstairs my husband was finished with his workout. When he walked by me I asked him if he would be okay if I offered him some advice on his form. He immediately began to talk about how he thought I might comment on this or that and I let him because he was right, in the past I had just offered up my critique without him asking for or wanting it. This had led to him holding some resentment and he needed to express it. When he was finished I said, “Will you accept my help or not?” He laughed and said, “Yes.” I asked, “Do you really mean it?” And he agreed that he did.

When I showed him what I saw and provided him with the information I felt he needed so that he would not injure himself he began to laugh. The main thing I was showing him was that he was not pushing his hips/butt back as if sitting down which is the main motion of a squat. He was laughing because when he was younger his brother and father would laugh when he pushed his butt out because he has very well defined glute muscles. He said that ever since then he has been overly aware of his butt when he squats. I said, “You want to push your butt out. You have a beautiful butt!” lol Based upon his reaction my help was well received.

I was left feeling very proud of myself for handling the situation like I did. However, I felt somewhat sad at the same time. I am a CPT and have all this knowledge yet so few request my knowledge and I find myself offering it up without invitation all the time. This has led to so many negative responses. The most common is that people react as if I am a know-it-all and they are put off completely by this. They think I am judging them or trying to make them wrong somehow. This has been my life theme and it is utterly frustrating. I have taken numerous losses. I have several family members who desire to lose weight and get healthy yet none of them ever really persists when it comes to working out, eating healthy, etc. My SIL even invited me to work out with her and it went well but then she never extended another invitation. Instead, she hired her own trainer and attempted to lose weight that way without much success. I took her actions as an indication that something about me was off-putting to her. Maybe I gave her too much instruction before she wanted it? IDK but it has been the same with other family members and even one woman who seemed to want a running partner yet stood me up when the time came. So, my overall feeling is that it does me no good to try out a career as a personal trainer because, as a Projector, starting my own business like that will automatically fail without people extending an invitation for me to do it. Without the invitation I am dead in the water. 

The other day it occurred to me that one of my reactions to people rejecting me so frequently is that I offer up my advice anyway and just accept that they will respond poorly. I have even become confrontational at times, especially with family or people I know on a more personal basis. I figure if they aren’t open to hearing me that at least I will have said what they need to hear and at some level the information will be received. I would rather them receive it than not at all and have accepted that people will come to resent and even hate me. I think “Fuck it. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.” 

But lately there is a part of me asking, “How has this worked out for you?” And what I’ve found is that, yes, I get to say what the other person needs to hear, but in the end it has alienated me from people and left me even more isolated. At the very least it has created upset among family members and left this ridge of energy that never truly goes away. And as a result of this constant feeling of rejection, I have become less and less likely to accept invitations when they come. Invitations to gatherings especially. Honestly, I dislike most gatherings anyway so not going is usually my response. So, I avoid birthday party invitations from extended family members, trips or event invites from family members, even invitations for lunch or other very relaxed, one-on-one invitations with my husband or family. I’ve just lost interest in pretty much any social-type situation and most people have figured out I’m not interested, taking it personally. I usually hear from my husband when someone says something. I’ve heard that they think I don’t like them, which isn’t wrong but isn’t completely accurate. I don’t like sitting through the pretense, listening to random life stuff and discussing things that are of no interest to me. 

For me, I guess, my method of forcing my Knowing onto people is how my bitterness manifests itself. However, there is another, more successful method I have used. I become certified in some way and then put myself into a position/job where others come to me for information/advice. So the invitations are assumed or are part of my job description. I have been a teacher, counselor, healer, medium, and psychic. In all of these careers I have had wins. I have also had losses, but mostly wins in that I am able to share what I Know and it is well received. In the past, the areas where I feel my inner Being lighting up have been when teaching, giving readings and singing. 

In my HD profile the only channel I have is the 1-8: the channel of inspiration. This one is “to contribute or not”. And, not surprisingly, it involves groups. What is funny is that as a Projector, groups are not my thing, yet with this channel I am called to groups to share my Knowing. 1-8 channel: the 1 is about creating and the 8 is about groups. 

Our Shadow is Our Contribution

In HD the open centers in a chart represent the not-self which is also know as the shadow self. Since my guidance told me that my shadow self is being triggered in certain situations now, the term has stuck in my mind. 

Today, while researching more on HD and considering having an actual session with a HD professional, I came across how the open centers, also known as the shadow self, represent our contribution to the world. This was a shock to me. Really? All those parts of me that represent my not-self are how I contribute or make a mark on this world? Maybe I am getting it all wrong, though. Perhaps it is not the not-self so much as our learning about the not-self and choosing to be more flowing and free? So, technically, the shadow self is how we contribute most because through non-resistance and acceptance of these aspects of ourselves we can be a better version? The open centers are most definitely what we came into the world to learn. The open/Shadow Self is the curriculum we come into this life to learn. And being all but two of my centers are open/undefined, well I have quite the curriculum from which to help others! That means I can influence others through all of those areas. Compared to someone with only one undefined center, I am a rock star. 

Considerations

After this morning’s dream and realizations, I went downstairs. My husband immediately apologized and from there we talked. I told him my dream and some of the syncs that came up. One sync was that when I woke up I remember Knowing that I needed to just let other people be. Acceptance is key. This meme came up in my FB feed:

As a 6th line, my tendency is toward optimism, yet in life I am anything but. I recognized that when OOB or in the dreamstate I tend to be the best version of myself: Optimistic, happy, hopeful. I see in others their best attributes. I do not easily tend toward the negative. But the instant I come back into this body I feel heavy and sad. I see the world as hopeless and lost. I feel unable to do anything about it and have accepted nothing can be done. This is what I’ve learned while on the roof. I see it everywhere. This world feels like a lost cause to me.

What this morning’s dream experience showed me is that I have been trying to do it all on my own. The question posed to me many times about my methods is this: How is that working for you? Not well, not well at all.

The problem is more than just me trying to force what I Know on others. That is just a surface problem. The real source is the overwhelm. When I feel this place, I feel it all, and it is just too much. I felt it in the dream and it was too much. I’ve felt it in the past and I am left feeling small and powerless to change it. It – all the pain, sadness, grief, loss in this world – is just too BIG. Yet I am being advised to feel it. The way to manage it, They say, is to Remember. Remember the total love and acceptance of Home, of those who love me, of the Light.

Easier said than done. In the dreamstate this is so obvious. In this body and on this plane it is hard to find.

What I was left with was a visual and feeling of how I can be, and will be according to Them. Going with the flow and accepting. Somehow I will be the Light I am meant to be. I have to trust that it will be.

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Is it Me? Or You?

The weekend before last I came down with a cold. I hadn’t been sick in over a year, so it was bound to happen. It started with a sore throat that lasted two days and then came the congestion, stopped up nose, and fatigue. My daughter was sick alongside me and my husband had had it a week before.

All of this coincided with the full moon and also I read that something was going on with Chiron (can’t remember exactly what). As a result of my cold and the energies I was not my best. I entered into a very negative place and I can get pretty negative, so it wasn’t fun for me or those I am closest to.

My thoughts centered around everything that was “wrong” with my life. I also had tons of self-doubt come to the surface along with memories of the past, specifically my heart connection and the devastation it caused as well as events that took place after. Many mornings I woke up wishing I would die and most nights I struggled to sleep.

Just this morning the energy has noticeably shifted. I feel much clearer and less negative. I also got a good, solid night’s sleep and my cold has finally run its full course.

Questions and Doubts

The main question that was plaguing me was, “Who am I?” I saw a pattern. In the past my guidance often seemed to lead me the “wrong way”. I felt betrayed. But then I also know that my guidance is just me, so anytime I was “mislead” it either was because of Ego interference or because I needed to learn a lesson (or both). So saying I can’t trust my guidance is the same as saying I can’t trust myself.

In attempting to answer the question “Who am I?” I began to look back at my life and those things I liked, preferences and such. I realized that most if not everything was borrowed from someone else. I would “try on” things that people I liked or loved enjoyed. In the end I would keep some but toss most. For example, my best friend in high schooled love acting and persuaded me to try it. I hated it but was good at it. The stage fright was the worst! After we parted ways I dropped acting and never did it again. I added to the list of “don’t likes”. Sadly, my “don’t like” list is much longer than my “like” list. Yet I keep borrowing things, over and over. I temporarily convince myself that I like something only to discover I never did and it was all wrong for me.

After a conversation with my husband about this, he said, “Doesn’t everyone do that?” I said, “No. Some people just know.” But really, do they?

I thought maybe it was related to my almost completely open/undefined HD. My husband is similar, so he probably borrowed lots from others, too. I wonder what it is like for those who are mostly defined? Do they just know? Does that mean they know themselves better than I do? The answer feels like it would be yes.

As a result of all my questioning, I keep being led back to my Human Design: Self-Projected Projector.

April 3rd

Here is what I wrote in my journal on April 3:

Yesterday, I watched an NDE account that really spoke to me. Well, my guidance/Team spoke to me but so did the woman in the video. 

What was so real to me about this account was her specific experiences with her “teacher”. Not only did he appear like I’ve seen my teachers/guides, but her descriptions, reactions, feelings – everything – resonated deeply with me. What was especially noteworthy was her return and integration. Though she didn’t call what she experienced a “walk-in” that is what came to my mind. She was still herself, just an upgraded version, one that was deeply in touch with her HS, spirit, and Home. She retained that connection when she returned to her body and was able to live life in both worlds, shifting from one to the other as needed. It took her 8 years but slowly she rearranged her life so that it matched her truth.

When I was listening my guidance would come through. Sometimes I could hear words, other times I just felt deeply a Knowing that the time was upon me to do what this woman had done. I knew that my integration process was nearly complete. I had reintegrated into the walk-out’s life (former self), learning, observing, being that version despite many things feeling not quite right. I had made some significant changes along the way, but not all of them. Attachment had left one major decision hanging. I have fear of letting the people I love down, of being myself rather than who they wanted me to be. This is the exact message the woman in the video leaves the audience with in the end. She says that people are not really afraid of death, they are afraid of life and of living their truth – living authentically. This is because, in living our truth, we disappoint or let down those we love most. We don’t want to hurt them and so set aside what is best for ourselves to make them happy, to keep those we love comfortable. But in doing so we abandon and even lose ourselves along the way.

What she said deeply resonated with me to the point that I was left somewhat in awe. I Remembered and with that I recognized how this experience I have chosen, this life in this body, is a gift, one that I have been wasting because I don’t want to disappoint or upset those I love most.

Afterward, I went on long walk and had communication come through from my Team. It was subtle at first, like a whisper and feelings that bubbled to the surface of my consciousness. Ultimately, I noticed and some of what I was absorbing translated into words. I remember feeling this amazing feeling of being powerful and supported. It felt like the world is my oyster. I looked around me at the sky and world and thought how beautiful this world is and how many possibilities exist for me in it. I recognized that I feared creating what I wanted in this world because I worried it would be wrong, hurt someone or worse. My past experiences left me feeling I had hurt others and not been my best self. One of the things the woman in the video said is that she no longer judges herself. She becomes the observer (something I have been taught how to do) and so is able to move through life quite smoothly. 

The day continued and most of this realization was put aside as I went through the motions of life. As night approached I could not sleep. 

When I woke the next morning I was thinking of some things I had read in some posts in a FB group about my HD type – self-projected Projector (SPP). Not only did the creator of HD indicate that Projectors were not meant to be parents (but we can) but also that long-term relationships were not necessarily good for a Projector. My type specifically can end up feeling trapped and unable to free themselves from a relationship. Other SPP’s have indicated that they have similar patterns to myself when in a committed relationship. Here is an example:

I’ve realized today that in all my romantic relationships, I always feel the need to focus 100% on the connection. I do really love to guide people, with friendships I can keep a distance, but whenever I have a genuine deep connection that can evolve to a romantic relationship, that becomes my main focus in life. All my other goals go out of the window .I’ve thought for a long time I’m anxiously attached or codependent, but after focusing 100% on myself for more than a year and feeling absolutely blessed and being convinced I only need a relationship with myself, I don’t think that’s it.

Even more so, I get to see the relationship as my life’s work, a project that could bring me life lessons. And I stop directing energy to myself. It a OR me OR them situation. I can’t see it as a part of my life, it’s all or nothing.
Could this be a Projector-thing? Does anyone recognize themselves in this?

When I read this post I was thinking, “That is me!” In both my marriages this has been the case. And the comments in the group indicate that I am not alone! There were some who had navigated successful marriages but most indicated they did better alone or in long-distance relationships where they had separate residences. The married ones said they only did well because their partner actively worked on themselves. Another who was married was contemplating divorce but indicated that love was not the issue. 

So, it feels to me like the only way I am going to get any clarity on my life is to get away from the relationship I am in. I need to be apart from him, to return to living for myself so that I can get back in touch with myself.

Projectors Need Their Space

I have since been focusing on how I can create in my life more space for myself. I need a place apart from my family, one where I can be immersed in nature. A space where I am not overly influenced by my husband or children’s wants/needs all the time. I think if I can create a space like this for myself that I can in turn re-discover myself.

I spoke to my husband about my realization and he is supportive and wants to help me create this space. He would stay in our home with the kids and I would be in my space for as long or as little as I need. It could end up permanent and he accepts this as a possibility.

We are just in the brainstorming stage for the time being. The most obvious place to start is my family’s land in the country, the same land where our old house sits and where other family members, including my mom, now reside. There is a total of 47 acres so there is plenty of room! My mom is in the process of creating a spiritual retreat on this land. I have an idea of maybe building a cabin on this retreat land as a contribution to her vision. It would be like a donation to the space, so my husband and I would own “stock” in it. Though I haven’t presented the idea to her just yet, I think she will be open to it. Why wouldn’t she? A free cabin. They (my mom and step-dad) want to build cabins on it anyway. I could live there when I want, get my space and be in nature.

This may or may not pan out and that is okay.

To make it clear, my idea is not to shrug off all my responsibilities. The idea is to get enough space and time alone to get to a place where I can feel into myself and what I want without interference from others. With my tendency to take on others’ wants/desires/goals and put aside my own wants/desires/goals, I feel I need to do this. I don’t know how long it will take.

Is It Me? Or is it You?

The last main consideration I’ve had is in regards to my telepathic ability. In HD, those with a completely open head center, like I have, are capable of telepathy and this is true for me. I’ve experienced it all my life but only recently did I experience true telepathy. True telepathy goes beyond just knowing what another is thinking, it is the ability to communicate in real time with another via thought and emotion. It also includes the ability to share experiences, not just in present time but past and future.

Not long ago I met someone online who I discovered I could telepathically communicate with. It was amazing and I honestly have never met anyone like him. The connection remains and we seem to be able to turn it on or off at will.

The issue I’ve been running into lately is that I have cut ties with this person, yet I still feel the connection. I don’t know if I can dissolve it as it feels to exist beyond just this plane of existence. This person is able to purposefully communicate with me and I receive it. The most recent time (prior to my cutting ties) I didn’t know he was doing this and I thought I was losing my mind until he confessed that he had been purposefully sending communications. Yikes!

Considering my thoughts and feelings lately, I suspect more of this kind of communicating is going on. At first it created all kinds of self-doubt. Maybe I was wrong to cut ties? Maybe I should reconnect? There were feelings coming up, memories, ideas. This would happen out of the blue and then all would go quiet.

This morning I feel more clarity and am convinced that most if not all of my self-doubt stems from this communication, communication that is most definitely deliberate. I have decided to pay more attention to where the thoughts/feelings originate.

I am still in a bit of shock to think that such types of communication are a reality for me. It is easy to forget or assume it is not real. But it is real. Considering I am working on finding myself, getting my own space in order to re-discover myself, the last thing I need is someone trying to influence me from afar! How do you get space from that!?

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Let It Happen

Couldn’t get to sleep again last night. It was after midnight before I did. Despite feeling tired all day, the minute I decided to sleep, I couldn’t. I don’t have anything going through my head, really, so it doesn’t make sense. 

I did end up thinking about random things, though. In one instance, I was thinking about a dream I had where I had met up with someone I know. I’m not sure why as I wasn’t intending to. It was more like I entered into the in-between. While there I never know why I think/say/see what I do. 

While imagining this scenario, a song came into my mind. The song then got stuck in my head – “Let it happen, let it happen. It’s gonna feel so good.”

The video is the original song, but the one I heard was the remix version which is 9 minutes long and much better IMO. I posted the shorter one because it has the lyrics.

When I go on my many walks, I listen to YouTube, letting it play whatever comes up. This song randomly played on my walk one day recently. When I heard it I knew it was a message to “let it happen” when the time comes. “It” being the transformation by the Kundalini. To not resist what it brings and allow it to flow, unencumbered and without interference of the mind or the fear that inevitably follows. 

If you read all the lyrics you may get an idea of why I feel so drawn to it. Some parts stick out to me: “All this running around trying to cover my shadow” and “I can hear an alarm”. The word “shadow” reminds me of something I was told recently, that I am running from my Shadow self, scared to confront it. The word “alarm” has also come up. I was told an alarm would go off. But in general, the song speaks to me, so it is no wonder it came to mind as part of a message.

I told my guidance to knock it off because it sure wasn’t helping me sleep. It felt like they were hounding me to do something. I couldn’t help but suspect that I was being deceived, like they (my guides/HS) are trying to destroy me, ruin my life or send me on a wild goose chase. 

When I fell asleep I ended up in a kind of dream counseling session.

Dream: Can’t Trust Myself

This is one of those dreams where I just found myself in a new place without having any idea how I got there. My mind was blank and my emotions were flat. I just followed along in the dream, not caring why I was there or what the point of it all was.

I was inside a small store with some other young women. They were all college aged and it felt like I was, too. It felt like I was in a half-way house; a place where someone goes who needs to start over. The women treated me like the new girl and ushered me around with them. I remained silent and felt very sad – dead inside – the whole time. I felt as if I was in shock from a traumatic event, but there was no memory of any event, just this empty sadness.

The women all left and I stayed in the store, alone. They had turned all the lights out but I didn’t care. I saw a door to the back so decided to investigate. When I entered the room I found it to be a bedroom with three bunkbeds (nostalgia). They were all squeezed together in the small space leaving very little room for anything else. I looked at them and wondered which bed was mine. I couldn’t remember.

Then I noticed another room adjacent to the bedroom and hidden behind a thick, dark curtain. I could see through the space between the curtain and the wall. There was a small girl (inner child) with Down’s Syndrome (developmental delay) playing. She looked at me and acted fearful and I realized I had caught her doing something she should not. She pretended to go to sleep and that is when I noticed there was tiny beds amongst the bigger bunk beds. 

I went back outside into the main store area. This is when I realized that the “store” was actually a school for young children and the women were teachers who lived in the back room when the school was closed. I thought the whole idea was a good one but did not get excited about it.

I was hungry so went to a table where some food items were and filled a cup with yogurt (doing what’s good for me). This is when the other women came back. One noticed I was eating. I asked if she wanted some. She looked at my cup and asked, “Did you put sugar in it? We don’t eat sugar (something bad for me) here. It’s bad for you.” I looked at my cup knowing I had put something sweet in it. I said to her, “Yes. Who eats yogurt plain? It’s not good.” The woman didn’t reply but I continued and said, “I didn’t put sugar in it, just a sugar substitute.” She replied to that saying something about helping find the right substitute but I was already upset, caught up in the thought that I was messing things up, breaking rules and not fitting in. I remember looking into the cup of yogurt thinking how it was all just too much to try and keep up with all the rules and do what everyone wants me to do. 

Feeling overwhelmed and sad, I turned around to leave but the dream shifts and I find myself sitting in front of a woman. She began to ask me questions about why I felt the way I did. “Why are you so sad,” she asked. I began to tell her about an event in my life that had left me changed – damaged. I told her, “It/he destroyed me.” As I told her more of the details of it, the sadness grew larger and larger until I began to sob, tears streaming down my cheeks. 

Counseling Continues

The dream scene faded and I somehow ended up in the in-between talking to this woman, though I never saw her. I could hear her feminine voice, though, and feel her encouragement. She said, “Tell me about it”. I told her my story and how it made me feel. She asked about another, similar event. I explained that it/he wasn’t the same and could never come close to the first. What hurt so much was that I felt I had finally found what I had been looking for. It was like a missing piece of myself was finally found. And then, it was taken away; withheld from me, and I was left feeling as if that piece could never be recovered and would remain that way for the rest of my life. Because of it, I had lost all hope of ever really finding happiness and love in my life. I would be left only with the hollow, human version of that love, which would never, ever compare. And I would be left to live the rest of my life with a part of me missing, unable to retrieve it.

As a result, I’ve stopped trying. Given up. I am just waiting for this life to run its course.

In the end, I woke up, leaving the in-between, but the discussion continued. My eyes were overflowing with tears, the kind that just well up and leak out all over my face. The ultimate realization I had was that I had lost all trust in myself – in my HS, my guidance, my Knowing. What I felt so strongly, what I had Known in my heart to be true, turned out to be a lie. How can I ever trust what I feel again? How do I know that what I feel is even mine? What if I am being deceived and everything in this lifetime that I feel, hear, think, do is a lie?  

There aren’t many things in this life that hit me hard like that experience. That ring so true that my entire Being lights up inside and out. That scream to me, “THIS IS IT!” To feel I had finally found what I had come into this life for only to have it turn out to be what it did, how can I ever recover from that? Why would I be led into a trap like that? Why would my guidance want me to experience such loss? It felt like I was finally Home, then I was left with…..nothing. The only explanation has to be that I somehow misinterpreted it all. I must have screwed up. If that is the case, then how can I know that what I feel and how I interpret it is even accurate?  

I don’t think there is anyway to recover what I have lost. I am just…..broken. And my only comfort comes in the thought that one day I will actually get to go Home and I know that when I get there, that piece of me that I found and then lost, will be there, too.

Back to the Song Message

I had never heard of the band Tame Impala or the song, so I Googled it. Turns out the entire album theme is “letting go”. The song is about going with the flow and not resisting the “currents of change” which are “unstoppable forces”. Ha! The song is about personal transition and/or transformation.

When I was reading over many of my dreams, signs, syncs and messages of the past few months, it does point to some kind of event or transformation up and coming. I can’t ignore it but at the same time I want to shrug it off. Why hope that something amazing is coming only to end up like I have in the past – disappointed, discouraged or, worse, decimated.

Here is the 9 minute version of the song and the one that played while I was on my walk:

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Human Design Profile-Type Matches

Although I haven’t been posting much these days about Human Design, my research continues. My focus has been on relationships between the profile types lately. After looking into the profile types of the people closest to me, I had questions:

Are there certain profile types that I get along better with? Why?

Which profile types are best suited as romantic partners for my type?

I had a good idea which profile types I got along with based upon what I’d experienced. My hypothesis was that I get along best with any person whose profile contains a 2nd line or a 6th line – or both. Why? Well, at least half of my family are 2nd lines and so I have a lifetime of personal experience with other 2nd lines.

Examples: My mother is a Manifesting Generator, 2/4, Hermit-Opportunist. Of me and my two sisters, my mom and I have always had a special connection. We just “click”. My older sister, a 1/4 Generator, and my younger sister, a 1/3 Generator, have always had a slight disconnect with her compared to me. Similarly, my relationships with my sisters has always been strained. My older sister tried to get me to be more social and was/is highly judgmental of me. My younger sister hasn’t spoken to me in 12 years (her choice, not mine) and cut ties with all family almost completely.

My other hypothesis is that I get along least with those whose profiles contain a 1. Again, this is based upon my personal experiences and the information I have gathered thus far.

Examples: As I mentioned above, both my sisters are conscious 1st lines. You can never tell a 1st line how things are. They won’t take your word for it and my experiences, as a Projector, were not good when I tried to give them “advice” without them inviting me. BTW, they RARELY invited me. No surprise there because they already know everything (sarcasm). Similarly, I recently met another 1st line, this one subconscious, and the amount of research and digging this person did all.the.time was a bit too much. As a 6/2, I don’t need to research, I have a strong inner Knowing and rarely do much, if any, research into things. I learn through my intuition and experiences. And, well, Hermits, we just Know. The last thing I want to do is discuss all the details and info the 1st line dug up. It just hurts, like physically, to endure that kind of torture. lol And too often, what ends up happening with me and any 1st line, conscious or unconscious, is an inability to really connect. I usually just back off and give them the time and space they need to figure things out for themselves but I am not likely to hang around to hear their great epiphanies in the end because I am thinking, “duh”. LOL Since my daughter is a 1/3 I get LOTS of practice dealing with such things. Thankfully, she has always recognized me as someone who Knows and uses me as a part of her extensive library of information. Smart girl!

Turns out, my findings indicate that my Knowing about the profiles I get along with is spot-on (no surprise). Here is a list of all the profiles and their best matches, romantically and otherwise (I bolded my profile type):

1/3: Ideal match is with 1/3 and 4/6. Also compatible with 3/5, 3/6, 5/1, and 6/3.

1/4: Ideal match is with 1/4. Also compatible with 2/4, 4/1, and 4/6.

2/4: Ideal match is with 2/4 and 5/1. Also compatible with 2/5, 4/6, 5/2, and 6/2.

2/5: Ideal match is with 2/5. Also compatible with 5/2, 2/4, and 5/1.

3/5: Ideal match is with 3/5 and 6/2. Also compatible with 3/6, 5/1, 5/2, and 6/3.

3/6: Ideal match is with 3/6 and 6/3. Also compatible with 1/3 and 3/5.

4/6: Ideal match is with 4/6 and 1/3. Also compatible with 1/4, 2/4, 4/1, and 6/2.

4/1: Ideal match is with 4/1 and 1/4. Also compatible with 4/6.

5/1: Ideal match is with 5/1 and 2/4. Also compatible with 1/3, 2/5, and 3/5.

5/2: Ideal match is with 5/2 and 2/5. Also compatible with 2/4 and 3/5.

6/2: Ideal match is with 6/2 and 3/5. Also compatible with 2/4, 4/6, and 6/3.

6/3: Ideal match is with 6/3 and 3/6. Also compatible with 1/3, and 3/5, and 6/2.

My Connections

Prior to finding this information, I had a long list of the people in my lives and their profile and energy types. Here is the list. Make sure to compare it to my compatible profiles so you get an idea of who I got or get along with in my life.

Mom – Emotional MG, 2/4
Dad – MG, 1/3**
Step-Dad – MG, 5/1
Sister – G, 1/4
Sister – G, 1/3
Brother – Emotional G, 2/4
Daughter – Emotional MG, 1/3
Son – G, 2/4
Son – Emotional G, 2/4
Husband – MG, 5/3*
Ex-Husband – MG, 6/2*
BIL – Emotional Manifestor, 4/6**
SIL – Emotional Projector, 3/5**
Nephew – Emotional G, 4/6**
Nephew – Emotional G, 2/4**
Niece – Emotional G, 1/3**
Nephew – G, 1/3**
SIL – Emotional MG, 4/1**
SIL – Emotional Manifestor, 6/3**
BIL – G, 2/4**
Nephew – Emotional Projector, 1/3**
Niece – G, 5/1**
Cousin – G, 2/4
Cousin – Emotional MG, 6/2**
Friend – Splenic Projector, 6/3
Friend’s husband – MG, 1/3
Child 1 – Projector, 1/3
Child 2 – G, 2/4
Friend – Emotional Projector, 2/4
Friend/connection – Emotional MG, 5/1
Friend/connection #2 – G, 3/5
Ex-Boyfriend – G, 5/1**
Coworker/Friend – Projector, 3/5**

MG = Manifesting Generator
G = Generator
* = Recent discovery, did not know profile type until just two weeks ago
** = Later discovery

In my adulthood, my best friends, and friends in general, tend to be other Projectors. I assume in my early years that my best friend was a generating type but I can’t be sure. My best guess is she was a 3/5. She most definitely was not a hermit! She might have been a 4/6, but I’ve never met one (that I know of) in order to compare their energy. Edit: I did a chart using the data I have for her and she is either a 3/5 Projector or a 3/5 Generator. Based upon my track record with friends and how she was in school and is currently, I’m betting on Projector. But I was right about the 3/5!!

It is also typical for me to attract MG’s in the romantic sense, which I hear is common for Projectors. The energy dynamics between a Projector and MG is quite intense. Imagine the MG energy, which is the highest generative energy out there and them meeting a Projector who takes that already intense energy and amplifies it. You get a crazy intense amount of energy! Sadly, in my experience, that intensity typically dies out over time, as was/is proved by my two marriages to MG’s. Why? Because Projectors are not meant to be generators and we end up burning out and eventually want to get away from the MG’s over abundance of energy. We just can’t tolerate it long-term. We aren’t built for that.

The significant other MG’s in my life never understood my need for rest and solitude and would continue to pursue me beyond my capable limits. My ex-husband thought I didn’t love him and was constantly pressuring me to give more than I had to give. However, as a fellow 6/2, he understood the need for solitude, maybe even more than I did. He was happiest in nature, far away from people, and ended up isolating me way more than I could handle. He was very easy-going, generally optimistic, and a lover of life. My current husband, though well-meaning, comes across as overly needy of my attention. Of course, we have three generating-types as children, so everyone I am around daily feels to be taking my energy. I have little, if anything, left for my husband by day’s end. I often feel trapped in my own house because I can’t get far enough away to recover from all the energy my aura is processing all.the.time.

As a Projector, it is said by the creator of HD, that we become “super slaves” to the other types in our lives, especially generating types. It is our nature to need the other types in order to generate or manifest. We just can’t do it without them. So, we end up trapped in a cycle, give and take, revved up and then sucked dry to the point of exhaustion. Not only are we somewhat addicted to energy we receive from generators, but they are, too, and as generators, whose authority says wait to respond, when they get that opportunity to respond to our energy, well, they do. And do, and do, and….LOL

A surprise to me about my profile matches is that I get along well with someone who has a 3rd line. It soon became apparent, though, why that is. All 6th lines go through three phases of experiencing. The first phase, up until around the first Saturn Return, they experience life as a 3rd line, only without the tough outer skin other, real 3rd lines have. We experiment like 3rd lines, have stuff happen to us that is not very pleasant, and end up beaten and bruised emotionally in the end. 3rd lines learn through experimentation. If at first they don’t succeed, well, they do it again a different way! We 6th lines gain valuable experience from our early years, though. Because of this common experience, we get along with 3rd lines. We can relate well to them, and they to us.

Like the above list indicates, my favorite matches have been those with profiles on my list. Based upon love interest, I will have to say my favorite is the 3/5 profile type. Though I enjoyed the fun-loving ways of my 6/2 ex-husband, I have to say that other 6/2’s just don’t attract me like the 3/5. I think it is the mysterious and magnetic 5 that draws me in. They are quite alluring and well, that mysterious component, it keeps me guessing. I love a good mystery and am happiest with someone who can keep me on my toes. My 6/2 ex struggled to do that for me. I think we were just too similar and both needed the other to keep things interesting, but we couldn’t. We were also in that first phase of the 6th line, so technically the relationship was doomed before it started. My current husband is very, very good at keeping things….interesting, even though sometimes in a very negative way.

I believe the 5th line will always draw me in. I find them fascinating and beautiful. There is an attraction I can’t explain. In my experience, my tendency is to fully submit to them, give my all, and the crazy part is I have no clue why! The founder of HD says that the 2nd line to be “called out” in a specific way. The Other who is calling out the 2nd line has to find that weak spot, a vulnerability that even the 2nd line doesn’t know exists. It is that spot, that when touched upon, lights up the 2 and causes them to venture out of their happy, safe place. Otherwise, we just stay in our happy place and ignore the call. And for me, it has been true with all the 5th lines I have been with. They are magical.

Then there is the 1st line as I mentioned previously. I can get along with them, but the relationship is often strained. I grew up with two and have a daughter who is one, so I know! But then, consider the 5/1 and how confusing they appear to me. First, they are magical, mysterious and alluring (5th line) but at the same time frustrate me with their constant, analytical and investigative aspect. Ha! It could be a love-hate relationship, that’s for sure! So far, though, I can’t say I’ve been lucky (or cursed) enough to have had a romantic relationship with one. Maybe? If only I knew all the profile types of my past relationships! Edit: Since writing this post I determined an ex-boyfriend was a 5/1 Generator. I broke it off with him because he confessed to cheating on me. I never figured out why but he later tracked me down to try and re-connect. I was married so he made sure to put me down for becoming “one of them” (married people with kids).

Charts to Compare

Below are the charts of my ex-husband, current husband and me. The similarities are striking! Not only do they have mostly open centers, but many of the same channels! When combined with my chart, there would be similar dynamics at play.

Ex-Husband – Aries, born 4/4/1975

TYPE: Manifesting Generator
STRATEGY: To Respond
NOT-SELF THEME: Frustration
INNER AUTHORITY: Sacral
PROFILE: 6 / 2
DEFINITION: Single Definition
INCARNATION CROSS: Left Angle Cross of Endeavor (21/48 | 54/53)

Current husband – Gemini, born 5/23/76

TYPE: Manifesting Generator
STRATEGY: To Respond
NOT-SELF THEME: Frustration
INNER AUTHORITY: Sacral
PROFILE: 3 / 5
DEFINITION: Single Definition
INCARNATION CROSS: Right Angle Cross of The Sleeping Phoenix (20/34 | 55/59)

My chart – Leo, 8/4/76

  • TYPE: Projector
  • STRATEGY: Wait for the Invitation
  • NOT-SELF THEME: Bitterness
  • INNER AUTHORITY: Self Projected
  • PROFILE: 6 / 2
  • DEFINITION: Single Definition
  • INCARNATION CROSS: Left Angle Cross of Refinement (33/19 | 2/1)

When I saw how similar my husband and ex-husband’s charts are, I knew it was not coincidence. It always felt to me like I was continuing a lesson unfinished when I married my current husband. Similar issues arose in our marriage that had existed in my previous one. Both have only one more defined center than I do. Both share at least one defined center with me. My ex shares a defined throat, and my current husband shares a defined throat and G-center. So, technically, the only conditioning I would have with them would come from the defined centers they have.

There is something about the energy of someone who has mostly undefined centers that I think attracts me. They are more fluid and changeable than someone with mostly defined centers. I struggle more with someone who is extremely fixed in their ways (mostly defined). It isn’t that I don’t get along with them, but that I find their set ways difficult to navigate. I end up being the one to give in and change because I am so changeable. My mom is this way. She only has two open centers. I use to get so frustrated with her because she so stuck/set in her ways. A creature of habit, that is for sure! It is so hard to get her to do something new and outside of her normal routine. Similarly, another person I know (online) is the same. She is unable to see past her fixed tendencies and change. You can get out your crowbar but she still won’t budge.

I just prefer mutable people, I guess. Nothing against the fixed, so please don’t take offense. I have my fixations, too, (my not-self) so I get you.

by

Dream Meeting: Maxim

My sleep continues to be less than ideal. I wake frequently and only get about 6 good hours a night. My days are busy and I find that, although I have content to blog about, I don’t have the time I would like to focus on writing. I usually jot down something in my private journal and leave it there, hoping to have time later to write about it. But I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t write it right then, I probably never will.

This month of March has not turned out to be as interesting as I’d hoped. With all the signs and syncs leading up to now, I’d thought for sure some kind of meeting or encounter would’ve happened. My guess is I interpreted it all wrong because nothing – nada – has happened. I still don’t get why the Universe would send me those tarot cards but I guess the cards were relaying info about the past or present and NOT the future. That’s okay. I’m use to the same-ol-same, day in and out. I’m good at keeping busy. I’ve got a good life. I’m just a tad bit…..bored.

Ah, the story of my life! My guides are probably going, “Oh no! Dayna’s bored again!” My poor guides. lol If anything they threw those signs and syncs my way to keep me guessing and wondering. There’s nothing better at keeping someone occupied than a good mystery to solve….or wait for in my case. That carrot on the stick scenario gets me every time. Why do I keep falling for it? Oh yeah, I’m bored.

I will give you another cool story which, BTW, also ties into my dream this morning.

A little more than a week ago (March 17) my husband lost his AirPod Pros again. Yes, again. Ugh! I was furious with him and on his case a little more than I like to admit. I can get kinda fixated on stuff especially when I’m….bored. lol Anyway, I decided one night to just let it go again because my main upset was that it seemed like he didn’t care. So I figured, why should I?

That night I had a dream. Pay attention here. In the dream I was given a small, brown box. When I opened it, inside were the missing AirPods. Not long after I saw a small balloon that said, “Happy Birthday”. In amongst this was a short dream where I was receiving lots of emails to the point that it was too much and I felt overwhelmed. When I woke I decided to tell my husband that I had accepted that the AirPods were gone.

The dream came to pass the next day. I was overwhelmed most of the morning. My schedule was off because of an a/c maintenance man visiting. I also was getting emails like crazy – asking for readings and dream interpretations. Somehow, though, I managed despite being in a sour mood. Later in the day, as I was preparing dinner, I went to the garage to toss something in the trash. I turned and saw the minivan and thought, “I need to check for the AirPods.” So, I opened the side door and immediately noticed a tiny, white object in between the seats. I had found them! 

Not long after I went for a walk with Monty. On the walk I spotted a tiny balloon that said, “Happy Birthday.” I knew it was from the dream. Even after that when my husband was watching The Simpson’s I noticed that they kids in the episode were tossing water balloons at the bully. They said, “Happy Birthday.” 

So the syncs continue and good things keep happening, I’m just being a grump because life’s not…..exciting enough? Well, just not the kind of excitement I like. I can hear my guides saying, “Persnickety.” Guess so.

What kind of excitement do I like? The spiritual kind, of course! If it’s spiritual, bring it on! Thankfully, I got a pretty cool dream so I’ll be good for another day or so.

Dream Meeting with Maxim

I entered into an auditorium where many people were gathering. At the booth where we were to register, a man was instructing everyone on what to do. I remember that he sent the group down the hall for an orientation or something similar. When I arrived and was asked to follow the group I chose not to. It didn’t feel like something I wanted to do or that I needed for that matter. Instead, I walked to the back of the auditorium, considering my options. I was undecided – do I do my own thing and hope no one notices or do I go along with the group and suffer that misery (I hate groups)?

Eventually, I noticed that everyone walking around had on a name tag (recognition) but I didn’t. For some reason it felt like I needed one and I knew the only way to get one was to go where the group (need others to be known) went. So, I decided to go find the group and hopefully get my name tag (recognition).

As I walked in the direction of the group I ran into other groups. Many were of children who had with them teachers. I noticed a hallway and looked down it, hoping to get an idea of which room my group had gone in. The hallway was long and had many doors, all of them closed (feeling shut out). The hallway was littered with trash but the walls and floors were very white and otherwise clean. It just looked like the kids had been messy with art paper and no one had cleaned it up yet. Realizing it was too late to rejoin my group, I turned back and headed back to the corner where I had been observing everyone.

I discovered the section where I had lingered before was a separate room with a large viewing window (my cave, safe space, hermitage). It reminded me of those rooms in churches where the nursing mothers or mom’s with screaming babies would go to still participate in church services without creating a distraction. I was able to see the auditorium and all the people clearly but remain separate from the group – just like I like it.

In my little space was a man. He was sitting at a desk writing on a piece of paper. I somehow knew he was there to help me.  He had been looking through my emails in order to get the answers to questions on a paper he was filling out. When I arrived he smiled and said, “Happy birthday (from my other dream).” Then he began to read to me what he had written. It was a description of my character in this lifetime. I can’t recall what he said but I remember key pieces. He described me as selective of who I chose to spend time with but the way he articulated it made me sound like someone with much wisdom and experience. He said I paved my own path and cared little for what others thought of me. 

The way he described me took all those things which I find faulty within myself, things others have criticized, and presented them as my special gift to humanity. It was like I was hearing about an important leader in history, one that made significant contributions to humanity and so was honored, recognized and remembered for it.

My initial response was, “You see me!” I felt his recognition and was relieved to be acknowledged. Then I said, “You got all that from reading my emails?” He laughed and said, “Yes.” I said, “Wow.” I paused, considered what I had heard and said, “I really like myself.” He said, “I do, too.” 

By this time I was standing face to face with him. He was short and stalky. His face had smile lines that indicated he was a kind, generous individual with a gentle, loving demeanor. He was completely bald and had a scholarly quality to him. I knew he was a professor at the university I attended. He introduced himself to me. He said his name was “Maxim”. There was a last name but I can’t remember it and I only remember his name because I repeated it.

I asked him, “Why are you helping me?” He said, “Because you helped me.” I thought on this and couldn’t recall ever helping him. I said, “I don’t remember helping you.” He indicated that I had and that he was indebted to me, thus his appearance in my life now. I figured I must have helped him in some other life.

Still in awe of how well he had described my character in this lifetime, I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to be like him, to be able to “read” a person as well as he had me and help them see themselves as a gift to the world. He indicated that he heard me, so I must have spoken this aloud. He turned and looked toward the room we were in and asked, “How can you help?” It seemed like he was asking how I could help from within the confines of the space I was in. I thought for a moment and then said excitedly, “You can bring them to me. I have a Master’s in Counseling. Maybe I could counsel people?” He said matter-of-factly, “You mean you have two Master’s degrees.” I said, “No…but I have two degrees in the same field – education.” He looked at me in such a way that I second guessed my response. I wondered, “Does he mean Master’s degree like I think? Or does he mean some other kind of Master?”

Maxim smiled and motioned to what was happening outside my window. I looked and saw a group of people gathered in celebration of certain honored individuals. He told me that I was one of the honorary ones and had been “chosen”. Then he said, “If you look, you will see yourself.” It felt like he wanted me to look at an old photograph but was motioning to the scene outside the viewing window of the room where a group of people were on stage. I looked and in front of me were old photographs of what appeared to be a group of scholarly individuals wearing robes all standing together. It reminded me of an old photograph from a yearbook. As I scanned the faces I spotted a woman who I knew was me, though she appeared differently than I do in this life.

Maxim returned to the subject of my situation, specifically my being in the room observing the group but not wanting to be a part of it. He stated, “You stop, you see, you leave.” I’m not sure these were his exact words but I saw a visual in my mind of his words. I would meet someone, stop if I felt called to, interact with and/or observe them a while, and then leave. It was not a judgment of my actions, quite to the contrary, it was a recognition of my specific gifts. After hearing this and seeing the meaning behind it, it felt like he was specifically commenting on my relationships with others in this lifetime. I wondered, “Does that mean it is time to leave?” 


Message: Build What You Want

It was at this point I woke up but Maxim remained close and continued to communicate with me. He said, “Build what you want [in life]”. Along with this I felt nudged to really feel into what it was I wanted to experience in this life. My immediate response was to go to that feeling of Divine Oneness and the call that I recently had but refused. He asked me why I did not answer the call and I said, “I’m afraid of what will happen to my life.” I like my room with a view. I like the life I have created thus far. Though Maxim wasn’t pushing me to go outside my “room” I felt nudged and knew, at some point, I would venture out again, but only if the invitation was good enough. It would have to be better than what I already have, something irresistible, that’s for sure. 

Eventually, I ended up falling back to sleep and dreaming another dream. I won’t go into that dream but when I woke my thoughts were on my HD profile and being a 6/2 self-projected Projector. A recent video I had watched by Ra Ura Hu, the creator of Human Design, on Projectors came to mind. 

He said Projectors are “on the ascendency”. He also mentioned how Projectors study to become masters at what they do. I wondered about this and my dream came to mind. Does this “study” mean actual school? If so, then I studied teaching and counseling – helping others, especially children. But what of my other “studies”, those of the spiritual kind? I have had so much hands-on training in that area – almost 20 years. In considering all the things I’ve studied in this life, the one that brings the most joy is the spiritual. I wondered which studies I will use when I “come down from the roof” to be the Role Model I am here to be? Perhaps that is what Maxim was referring to when he said I had two Master’s degrees – one a very physical one and the other spiritual. I wondered aloud to my guidance, “What do I do?” I knew, though, that I am not meant to know. I am meant to answer a call and then and only then will I Know what it is I am to do.

Then I was reminded of a recent dream where I was in a closet and a Bulgarian man was trying to get me to leave and explore outside. When I looked up the name Maxim I discovered it is Bulgarian. Could Maxim have been the man in that dream who was bugging me to leave my closet? Probably. If you haven’t read that dream, you should. It is pretty awesome!

by

Kundalini, The Shadow Self and Almandine

Happy Spring Equinox! It has been one hell of a week! The energy put me into a pretty sour mood, especially in the mornings. My sleep was awful and I had a tendency to focus on the negatives, especially relating to planet Earth. I am thankful for the energies that came in with the Equinox.

After about a week of sleep issues, I finally slept well last night. Turns out there was a solar flare most of yesterday and through the night. Along with good sleep I had Kundalini dreams all night long. Where one left off, another began. All the dreams involved a man I am familiar with as well as a guide.

Dream: Profess[or] Love[r]

The start of this dream is hazy but as lucidity increased, so does my memory.

What I recall most is that I was in correspondence with a man I recognized and know from this lifetime. Some time had passed between our last email/letter and this was my main concern as I had not intended it. I remember feeling as if I was on a college campus and knowing this man was a professor. I don’t know if he was my teacher or if it was just his job, or both. 

We talked a bit but there was distance between us that was too far to actually have a conversation. My feeling of this communication was that it was meant to represent communication over time and space – communication between our higher aspects. 

Then we were together in a room that felt, again, like it was located at a college or university. The space was dimly lit and colored with various brown tones. It felt like a study or an office but also similar to a small dorm room.

When we finally met up the feeling I had was of relief and reunion. I don’t remember if he spoke to me. I do recall that I had apologized for letting so much time pass and the delay it caused. When we got close our combined energy was intoxicating, rising and falling in waves of ecstasy, climbing higher and higher. The closer we got, the more intense our combined energy. My immediate reaction was to surrender completely to it.

Eventually my friend disengaged saying he had to be somewhere. We went our separate ways. He went one way and I went in the opposite direction. Eventually, though, we ended up back together, both of us unable to find our rooms. We stood in front of a room. The number near the entrance was #3 but the room was not the right room. As the dream began to fade out the last thing I remember was that he said to me that we must be in a different time (I think I remember the term “time warp”) so the room was not the one we remembered. 

As I woke the Kundalini energy was very strong. I am not sure how the intensity of it didn’t wake me during the dream! I lay in bed relishing it. It was intensely strong in my root and heart chakras but prior to it settling there it had circulated completely from root to crown. Sadly, I only barely recall the full cycling of the energy. I believe it was purposefully muted and for that I am grateful because when I have been fully conscious of it in the past the intensity of it has been scary.

A guide was close by. He asked me, “How do you feel?” I said, “I want to go back.” There was some discussion here. He reminded me to take it slowly and said, “We are helping you.” 

Dream: Little Fires Everywhere

Somehow I returned to sleep and entered into another dream. I was sitting on a sofa in my grandparent’s underground home. The TV was in front of me but I was not watching it because the man from my previous dream was sitting on my left about four feet away from me on the opposite end of the sofa. It felt like we just hanging out and watching TV. I was almost fully lucid but not enough to take control of the dream. I don’t think I would have taken control if I could have, though. 

I could see him quite clearly and knew who he was. We were talking, but sadly I have no clue about what. All I remember was that his energy was very difficult to resist. It was calling to me in a very seductive way. My guide was close by and I was talking to him in my mind about the energy and how difficult it was for me to endure as I sat there. 

What I recall here is the Kundalini rushing through me. It erupted violently from my root and shot all the way up to my crown. Then it would settled some only to repeat with even more intensity. With each wave I gripped the sofa so hard that had it been a real sofa I surely would have destroyed the arm rest. Interestingly, I never felt like I was going to die from the energy. I surrendered completely to it. I couldn’t help but surrender. It was compulsory and there was nothing – nothing at all – I could do but allow it. 

While the energy was taking me over I could hear and communicate with my friend telepathically. All I remember saying to him was, “I love you.” But something about this profession of love felt as compulsory as the energy itself. So, I questioned it. Do I love him? Is it my love I am feeling? Or is it memory of some other time and love? 

My friend just sat next to me seemingly completely at ease with our combined energy. I tried to stay there with him. I wanted to stay there, but I couldn’t, not without embracing him fully. For some reason I resisted the urge to go to him, though. My resistance resulted in much discomfort. 

Eventually I told him, “I can’t take it anymore. It’s just too much.” Not long after I said this my friend disappeared completely. 

I decided I would walk to my mom’s house. I went outside and walked up the road. I noticed there were small piles of burning brush dotting the land. I concluded that someone must be clearing the land, something we often have to do in the country. Part way up the road I encountered a mulching machine that was turned on. A large branch was stuck in it and the mulcher was making a horrid noise. Worried it would explode, I turned the machine off. The “off” switch was very vivid in my mind.

As I continued to walk up the road I was suddenly not alone. A man was walking with me on my right. I knew he was my guide. He was tall and had blonde hair. His energy was familiar. I remember we were discussing what was happening to me – the Kundalini, the man, the process. He was asking me what I thought of the man, of our energy and our path. I only remember saying that I wanted to experience more of the energy. It was all I wanted, actually. The internal Call I felt was strong. There was/is no doubt in my mind I am suppose to follow it.

The last thing I remember saying to my guide is, “There are little fires everywhere.” It was just an observation and had no emotion attached to it. My guide acknowledged my statement as if to say, “Yes, there are.”

The Shadow Self

I came out of the dream and entered the in-between where I could still feel the residual energy. My guide was close and I remember him reminding me that the process cannot be rushed. Through our conversation I was asked to inspect my fear response to the intense energy I experienced in the dream and also at other times. The resulting understanding was that it represented my Shadow, or a hidden aspect often associated with something not very good, or “bad”. When my energy combines with my friend’s it brings attention to the Shadow somehow and so my response is fear and I withdraw. More than likely the reality is that this Shadow aspect is not as imposing as it seems. It is just deeply hidden.

Then, very distinctly, I heard the word, “Almandine”. 

Then I was reminded that destruction was coming. Destruction of what? I am not sure but I have been warned of this before, last October. 

I woke repeating the word “Almandine” and not knowing what it meant. I thought at first it was a sauce for cooking but soon learned it is a crystal. Usually when I am given the name of a crystal it is a way to suggest I add it to my collection.

Considerations

My fear reaction to the intense energy of the Kundalini is familiar to me. Early on in my experiences with the Kundalini I responded with great fear. It presented itself slowly during dreamtime, always pursuing me, and each time I completely freaked out. When it would present itself I felt a compulsion to go to it, to surrender to it. I felt completely unable to control myself. This feeling of lack of control and the unknown it represented was what sent me running the other way. It felt horribly “evil” while at the same time the energy was intoxicatingly beautiful and pure. The contradiction was confusing. How can something be so beautiful yet so ugly at the same time? It was a paradox. 

Eventually, I surrendered in dreamtime. I gave up after being pursued for what seemed like forever. I realized I could not outrun the Kundalini and so let it devour me. It was magnificent in the end. The most amazing experience I have ever had in this body. 

Now, when I feel the Kundalini, my response is the same. After years of surrender it makes no sense. Why, after all this time, am I again afraid of the Kundalini? And why is this particular person the instigator? Is it karmic? Or is it something else? I feel fear, but it is irrational. It is the fear of death, of becoming nothing. Ah, yes, “destruction”, now that word makes sense. To be born anew, the old must die. 

Yet, didn’t I already experienced death from this process? How many times does one have to “die”, I wonder? lol

Dream Symbolism

In the first dream I am at a college/university which represents a life lesson or lessons. My friend is seen as a teacher or guide, so it could be that I see him this way or it could be that he is merely helping me with this life lesson. The search for the room is interesting and I am not sure what the “time warp” part means. Whatever the meaning, we end up parting ways only to come full circle to the same place. The feeling in the dream is that no matter what our individual paths, the destination is the same for us both.

The symbolism of the last dream is fitting. The underground house represents the subconscious or what is hidden. My grandparents actually do have a house that is under the ground and I spent much of you youth visiting there. It is also attached to my family’s land and my mother’s home. So, for me, being in the space indicates a sense of home, so also Home. It is comfortable and safe. Watching the TV is likely an indicator of becoming the observer.

The clearing of the land is the work of the Kundalini. It clears blockages; a cleansing fire. The little fires everywhere are areas that are being cleansed or have already been cleansed. They are contained and small, but they are burning. Fire = the Kundalini. 

The mulch machine is an interesting symbol. My best guess is that it is my attempt to turn off the process out of fear that I will explode or be destroyed. Still, though, the fires burn. 

Note: Prior to bed I had two syncs that forewarned me of what was to come during the night. First, I had done a voice search of a certain item for my food journal. I had said “Burger” but the word that appeared was nothing at all close to it. It was, instead, my dream friend’s name, clear as day. I paused, took a screen shot in case I was seeing things, and then edited my search to the correct word.

About an hour later I was watching a video and there was the name again. So clear. And next to it another name that was related. WTF? I took another screen shot, told my guides to knock it off and went to bed. LOL

by

Come Back to the Sea

The solar flares have subsided and so I slept much better last night. Sadly, there were three earthquakes in and around New Zealand yesterday and a volcano in Sicily has been erupting for some time. It is not unusual for geomagnetic activity to spur such events. If solar flares can effect Earth changes in such a way, think what it can do to the human body and energy system.

I am told/Know that these changes are “effectual”. It is all part of the Plan.

Though I had no exciting experiences during dreamtime, I did awake with my guidance very close. At first I was in a dream conversation with a woman who was fascinated by my Kundalini experiences. She was asking me to describe my experiences. How did you feel? What was it like? How did it change you? I remember answering her with as much detail as I could but finding it difficult to describe with words. With each of my answers, lucidity increased, until I awakened to find a guide very close. 

Recognizing this guide’s energy, I knew he had been the woman in my dream and wanted to continue our conversation outside of the dreamstate. With him prompting me, I continued to review my past experiences. It took no time at all to Return to them all and when I was done I was left wanting them to repeat and for the experience to never end. I remember asking, “I don’t want to go back to normal afterward.” It felt like I had failed when I said this. Why would I go through so much, experience Oneness and Expansion, only to fall back down and seemingly lose it all?

This guide told me, “You don’t have to.” 

Then he did what I have not experienced in quite a while. Something about him being present, or maybe my acknowledgment of him, created the perfect recipe for Knowing. And so as his communication came through I often found myself completing his sentences and eventually speaking as if I were him. 

What I recall now of our conversation was that to maintain such a state (meaning not coming back “down” after a Kundalini rising) is that conscious change much occur. He/I continued to state that I Knew what change was needed but had been stalling out of fear and inability to confront the entire picture. There is not need for shame over such things. It is part of being human.

Each thread of color, though seemingly insignificant, infuses a dull tapestry with vibrant color until eventually the entire tapestry is transformed. 

One word stands out: Integration.

Integration means taking the “thread” of every transformative experience and sewing it into physical reality. Each thread changes the texture and color of the human experience. Each thread of color, though seemingly insignificant, infuses a dull tapestry with vibrant color until eventually the entire tapestry is transformed. 

This, he said, is how change occurs. It is not necessary for me to do anything as it is already and has been in process this entire time. Eventually, the vibrant colors of my tapestry will be so much that change will take place in such a way as to reveal a new image. When this happens, the old and new will become as one. 

I, of course, could feel what these changes were but I couldn’t and still cannot determine the specifics of the change. How they will come about remains a mystery. Yet a part of me has been feeling particularly sorrowful about the state of the world for some time – my whole life, really. In my daily life I see around me evidence of a dying planet and, with it, a dying people. It is not physical decay but something altogether more devastating. And the human me cannot confront it and so pushes it out of her mind. 

On my daily walks I cannot ignore the utter disregard for this planet displayed all around me. Trash littering the creek. Syringes dotting the sidewalks. Condoms. Plan B boxes. Beer bottles. Face masks. I feel sadness and want to help but I know that just picking up the trash won’t make a dent in the problem.  

For example, I own a section of the creek and have picked up trash only to have the next heavy rain fill the creek back up with even more trash than before it was cleaned. My husband even arranged a community-wide clean up of the creek. He approached the city for help and they provided a free trash container. Only three people showed from our entire subdivision to help clean up. The rest used the dumpster/container to dump their old furniture and garbage. They thought only of themselves and their homes, not of the creek or the bigger problem we were trying to solve. 

I feel overwhelmed. I am just one person, one person against a formidable opponent. It feels like me against the world. 

This morning I told my guide, “There is no hope for this world. Let it die.” 

The word “integration” came to mind again, this time with the chorus from a song, one I have been drawn to over the last few days. 

I spent so long looking for a way
I could be a part of another home
I tried so hard blocking out the waves
But my ocean heart never let it go

This people, my people
Sea people can not really leave
This people, my people
Sea people come back to the sea
Come back to the sea

There is something about the song that calls to me. It brings with it a haunted feeling. The melody and words bring an echo of something familiar. I am not particularly drawn to the sea, though. I feel the song reminds me of myself and how I have spent my entire life looking for Home. And I Knew that the message was I have always been Home. 

The change coming scares me but I know that when it does come, I will be ready. 

Vision

I tried to return to sleep and must have fallen into the in-between briefly because I was brought out of my reverie quickly by a vision. 

I saw a book  in front of me as if laying on my seated thighs. It’s pages large and smooth and so large they stretched from one thigh to the next. Someone (me?) was turning the pages slowly. I saw the images of men I have known pass before my eyes, but I didn’t recognize them except to acknowledge them as part of my “story”. It was clear that I was viewing a photo album, especially when I flipped the pages to the last image. The image I saw was of a bearded man. Various images were situated in a collage on the page. All of them were of this man. He had dark hair that went to his shoulders. His beard was also long, and he had a streak of gray on the right. 

When I saw the picture I felt that I was being shown another person in my story and so the shock of it was what brought me out of my reverie. The shock in part came from the fact that I just saw a man who resembled the photos yesterday while I was on a run. He was walking his dog and waved at me. I remember he turned and stared before he waved and smiled. I glanced his way and waved back. I’d never seen him before. 

Now I don’t  necessarily believe that the vision is showing me my future. It is more likely that a memory of yesterday surfaced and there is no particular reason or rhyme to it. It was very vivid, though, so I had to at least document it. 

by

OBE: Go Back

I continue to have difficulty getting to sleep. Flare activity was high most of the day yesterday, so that is a likely contributor.

I woke around 5am and couldn’t return to sleep until about 6am. I fell into a short dream where I was observing a woman picking up a prescription. Something about the dream brought on lucidity and I shifted OOB.

I had a string of OBE’s after that with each OBE becoming more and more clear as I progressed. My bedroom also changed with each exit. My bed moved from one side of the room to the other with the window remaining in the center.

My vision was off or limited in the first few OBEs and my energy felt shifty and unbalanced. When I would try and leave my bed I felt heavy with blankets or clothing and had to convince myself that I was free of it in order to move away. My vision was off and on. When I could see, it was brief and everything was dark and covered with shadows. In those OBES my attempts to leave my house was unsuccessful. I would reach the front door to my house and return to my body before I could exit. I could make it down the stairs to the front entry but that is it. In one instance my entire front living area was filled with gym equipment and I had to maneuver around it to get to the door.

With each return to my body my lucidity would increase. Eventually, I realized leaving my house via the front was pointless. For some reason that exit was blocked. So, I decided to try my bedroom window. This proved successful and with my first attempt I was able to exit despite several layers of window screens barring my path. The window itself would open and a screen would appear. I would push it aside and another would take its place and then another until finally I decided to mentally remove all barriers. I can’t recall my exact thought but it was something like, “The window is open.”

This is when my OBEs began to become more solid and the experience more realistic. I was able to raise my vibration by singing and sang throughout the rest of my experiences. I can’t recall what I was singing but the few bits and pieces I caught indicated I was encouraging and guiding myself.

My first ventures out my window were short but a pattern emerged after a few successful excursions beyond the limits of my constructed house reality. The seasons changed but the place I visited appeared to remain the same. I am not sure where exactly I was but it was a city, one that was very familiar. In fact, in the few OBEs I’ve had over the course of the last year, this was the city I ended up in whenever I was able to leave my house.

The area near the city resembles a lazy, New England suburb and the city itself feels well established. It had a very downtown feel to it but a downtown that has been updated and modernized. There are lamp posts positioned all along the roads similar to what lines the San Antonio River Walk. Some of the streets are paved with bricks and the sidewalks also have this feature but only at junctures and intersections. The shops are quaint, many with awnings and apartments above. The overall feeling is of a small town but it is anything but that.

With each exit through my window the season changed. Sometimes it was dark and other times it was light outside. Sometimes there was foliage on the trees and other times they were bare.

At one point, I was able to venture far enough away to enter the city itself. I felt myself being pulled upward but I experienced it as if I was learning to control my astral body. It felt very much like I was flying an aircraft, making slight adjustments here and there to remain steady.

Ahead of me I saw lights strung around an outdoor dining area surrounded by thigh-high, red brick walls. The tables were full of people enjoying their meals. When I saw it I immediately wanted to investigate. My main goal was to interact with the people. Maybe I could talk to someone and find out where I was?

I spotted a table. Three people were seated and having dinner. I quickly flew in, landed and approached them only to have one of the men at the table give me a disapproving look. His energy said, “Get out of here. We don’t want you here.” I remember thinking I must have broken a rule. Maybe I wasn’t suppose to be flying? Regardless, the energy of my concern sent me straight back to my body where I quickly recovered and went OOB again.

By this time going OOB felt no different than being awake in the physical. My last exit was so clear and crisp that I had to remind myself I was in the astral.

OBE: Go Back

I flew out my bedroom window and into the tree tops. There were branches in my way, so I pushed them aside. The air was crisp and below me I could see there was snow on the ground. It was still dark out but the area was well illuminated by the city lights.

I flew along without having to fight a pull upwards. It seemed I had mastered flying my astral vehicle. I didn’t notice this, however, as I was reminding myself that I was asleep and OOB. I remember thinking, “Someone pinch me”, because everything was so spectacularly real! I couldn’t believe I had succeeded and was back exploring the astral! I hadn’t had this much lucidity and clarity in so, so long!

I flew through the city. What I recall most is the crispness of the scene. How the darkness was perfectly balanced with the sparkling, city lights. The buildings appeared solid and I could make out the tiniest of details. I took it all in and couldn’t wait to explore.

Suddenly, I heard a masculine voice call out to me from my left. He said, “[Go] back”. I stopped and turned toward the voice in surprise and saw a man floating next to me. He was facing the direction from which I just flew and I knew instantly he was not a dream character but an actual, astral traveler like me. I could see his entire body from head to toe floating there. He had blonde hair and a square jaw like a football player. He was wearing light colored blue jeans, a t-shirt and tennis shoes. He looked to be between the ages of 16-24, likely college aged or close.

Honestly, I didn’t know what to do. I was so surprised to see and hear him so clearly that I froze on the spot and adrenaline poured through me. I tried to stop my reaction because I knew it would pull me back into my body, but I couldn’t control it. I remember thinking, “What did he say? What is he doing here? Who is he?” and more. Not only did I not expect him to be there but seeing him there, floating mid-air, is not something I recall ever seeing while OOB. Why I never have, I don’t know, but seeing him there like that shocked me. The amount of adrenaline I felt is similar to what I’ve felt after narrowly avoiding a car accident. I suspect my reaction was in part due to the fact that everything felt so real and I momentarily believed I was in my physical body walking rather than flying. So seeing him mid-air was unexpected.

When I came back to my body I was worried the man I saw knew where I lived. lol That is how disoriented I was. I quickly recovered but couldn’t return to sleep. It was 6:30am, so I had only been OOB for 30 minutes. It felt like hours!

Considerations

Though the above OBEs are not near as cool as some of my previous ones, I feel like major progress was made. I broke through a self-imposed barrier, one that has been firmly in place for quite a while. That barrier appears in my OBEs as blocked exits. I am not able to get outside and if I do, I usually can’t venture far.

I also recognized that the feeling of being pulled upward, which feels to be controlled by something or someone else, is totally and completely under my control. What is odd is, how I did I get into such a position to believe that to begin with? In my early OBEs I never believed someone else to be controlling where I went, not really. And if I did the control was mutual. I always knew that “other” was me, my HS. Yet here I was learning to fly my astral body all over again. Something I learned to do way back in 2004!

And then, seeing a fellow astral traveler like that and it being the first time I recall such a thing (full-body and in flight), well that is just bizarre! Sure, I’ve seen other travelers but they always felt to be my own creations; part of my constructed reality. This guy was most definitely not! How do I know? I don’t know. I just instantly knew. And the reason he surprised me so much, besides that he was floating there like that, was I assumed the reality I found myself in was one of my constructed ones. How then could someone else be there? Unless….I invited him.

Then, there is what the man said to me. Was he asking me to “go back” to my house? Or just back in the other direction? Or back to my body? I wish I had not reacted like I had. I wish I could’ve talked to him, found out who he was, where we were, etc. Sigh.

On a positive, when I came back to my body it was seamless. No heart flutters or pounding heart. No irregular energy or jagged vibrations. It was an easy, comfortable, settling into my body and return to physical reality.