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Kundalini Dream: Merged

It has been a very long few days (or week now?) and I have been exhausted. Rather than go into details, I will just say that last night I finally got some much needed, solid sleep, and along with it a nice surprise mixed with some curious dreams.

Kundalini Dream: Merged

I was invited to a meeting with other teachers. The feeling was that they were interviewing me but also that they wanted to see my reaction to the work they were doing. I recall seeing a small group of teachers, specifically, a woman and a man but there were others there, also.

In the “interview” I was asked about various work activities. What I recall most vividly is answering a question about PTO meetings. I told them I hated PTO meetings because of the type of people who attended. I don’t remember my specific description of the people but it was not positive and I said that I never truly felt invited to participate. The male teacher was amused by my rejection of PTO groups. The woman just seemed to nod and accept my opinion.

I remember feeling an energy from the man that suggested he was attracted to me. He kept his distance but every time I looked in his direction he was staring at me and I could feel his interest. It is hard to recall his appearance but he was very tall, over 6ft, and had broad shoulders and a square jaw with light brown hair. His eyes were piercing and somewhat squinty. I think they were brown. He had this quality to his energy that oozed masculine confidence.

Then we were outside in a garden-like space. I remember seeing an elevated area. It was a small, perhaps 4’x2′, raised cement planter. In the middle was a stone with an inscription on it that reminded me of a memorial plaque. On either side were stumps where some bushes had been. I knew I was the one who created this memorial and remembered the plants had been very green and healthy. I thought, “The freeze must have killed them”, but then noticed small, green leaves sprouting from the bases of both bushes. I said, “Look! They are still alive! The freeze didn’t kill them.” 

At one point, after some more conversation, the man was standing right in front of me. He was so close that his chest touched mine. This is when his height was most noticeable because my forehead was at his collarbone.  I could feel his interest in me still but it was much stronger. I said something to him like, “Yes?”, as it felt like he wanted to say something to me. But he never spoke a word. Instead, I could feel his energy merge with my own. It was as if both his chest and mine opened up and our energies/bodies blended into one. The main chakras involved were the sacral, solar plexus and heart. Once merged, the energy grew in intensity. 

When this merge happened, there was a yellowish hue to the energy and from within it words and numbers appeared. The only bit of info I recall is the number 46, but there were several other numbers/words, and it felt like this was his response to questions I was asking. I do remember I asked him his name and his age as well as other questions. The way in which he replied was curious to me. I expected to receive a thought reply since my questions were sent as thoughts. 

Our combined energy was so intoxicating and erotic that I couldn’t help but become lucid within the experience. Sadly, it woke me up and I lay there wondering what I’d just experienced. The energy lingered for a while and I could feel energy/pressure and warmth at my third-eye.

I remember the man from my dream being present as I awoke. His energy was right in front of me and so noticeable that it was as if he were physically there with me. He said to me, “There is more where that came from.” His communication was very audible and the quality of his energy the same as it had been in the dream. When I asked who he was, he answered with, “A friend.” I looked at the clock and it was 4:30am. I asked if I could go Home and he replied, “Why would you want to do that? You are here to experience…” and a wave of bliss came over me.

I wondered what had happened in the dream and soon realized me and the man had merged energies. He said, “I looked for an opening and I dove in. You know where it [the opening] is.” With this I saw what resembled a cup within my energy body. The “cup” was located just below my heart and right above my solar plexus. When he said, “You know where it is”, I saw/felt instantly where it was and mentally nodded. I knew that he was able to “enter” (dive into the “cup”) my energy via this opening and that the merge between us commenced from that central location, spreading up and down simultaneously until it became too much and woke me up.

Dream #2

Somehow I managed to return to sleep. The man remained with me and as I fell into dreamtime, he was also there. This time, though, he was taking me on a tour of the facilities where I would be working (remember I had been interviewing for a position). The first thing I saw was a single, white door. The door had a sign on it that said, “3D”. The man seemed to be offering me an option because upon seeing the door it felt like I was being asked to make a decision to open it and walk through it. I don’t know if I did.

Then there was a cylindrical structure in the middle of a room. It was silver and seemed to be made of metal. The structure went from floor to ceiling and had many tall doors located all around it. Surrounding the structure and extending beyond my visual field I could see row upon row of hospital beds with people dressed in white linens laying in them. In front of each of these people stood another person dressed differently – in regular clothing. When approached, the people in white would come out of their bodies and their spirit would be taken into and merge with the person who came to them. I watched several of these people in white, all elderly, rise up out of their bodies and disappear into the body of another.

It felt that I was meant to see this as an explanation of something happening on Earth and that I was here to help with this. My understanding was that these people were dying and I was to assist in their transition somehow. There were thousands of people in beds – more than I could count.

My reaction to seeing all this was calm. It felt like I was being reminded and the specifics are beyond my ability to remember or make sense of as a human. I do think I was being shown this because of my constant requests to return Home. I continue to be told I “have work to do”. It feels like, perhaps, my work is behind the scenes, assisting with whatever it is I was shown.

Dream #3

I shifted away from the scene and was back a school. This time I walked in as a visitor and wore a badge. I ended up in the classroom of the male teacher from my previous dream. I watched him teach a history class. He was very good at his job. I sat in the back and every once in a while he would look in my direction.  

At one point he sent a student in my direction and I counseled her for a bit. She was not participating in class and I remember helping her by just listening and being there for her. She was complaining about history class and I remember saying, “History is nothing more than a story…” I also said something about how all she had to do was follow along and the story would do the rest. The man/teacher looked in my direction and gave me an approving nod. 

As class ended I told him he was a great teacher and then left to explore the school. It was huge with many hallways and students. I remember seeking the bathroom and finding this odd doorway with a conveyor belt that took students one-by-one up to the bathroom. Another student was waiting in line and I asked when they had updated the bathrooms. She said it had not been long. I said, “I’m not going in there”, and left. It was just too weird. 

Then I ran into an ex-student of mine. I only remember her name to be “Brittany”. She was sitting alone and upset about something. She was an overweight African American girl and when I saw her I seemed to know who she was, though I can’t place her from this lifetime. When I sat with her, she spoke to me telepathically about her upset. I only remember seeing pictures now and it seemed like her father had done something to hurt her. I hugged her close and kissed her on the cheek as I comforted her. I could feel waves of emotion come off of her as I did this and I began to cry.  

As I woke, tears still in my eyes, part of a song was on my mind – “Pull me out, pull me out, pull me out….”

Considerations

For most of the day I’ve been feeling a kind of happy, blissed-out feeling, similar to how I feel when I am falling in love. It is a nice feeling and welcomed. Whatever happened with the merge, it has stayed with me, ignited something within, and it lies simmering under the surface waiting. Waiting for what? I’m not sure but it is a familiar feeling and comes with a sense of anticipation. When I think of the feeling I think, “I’m in love with being in love.” lol So, yeah, it’s nice.

I am intrigued at the information given to me by this man, whoever he is – guide? friend? He showed me how he initiated the merge and it was very simple. He just located an opening and in he went. And the opening was so obvious. I don’t think the opening is a bad thing. It feels like a lock and key location on my energy body – I hold the lock, someone else holds the key. The location of this opening was just above the solar plexus, so not in a place any traditional chakra occupies. However, it coincides with a spot on my spine – mid-back – at which I have felt an energy enter previously many times. What was curious about the merged experience is that it never ventured into the root chakra nor above the third-eye. It was almost like we just simmered there in each other’s energy.

The dreams are curious to me, especially the one with the cylinder. It seems like the 3D door opened up into this room full of beds and I was being shown what is happening on Earth. What specific event(s) it applies to, IDK, and it did not feel ominous like some of my premonitions do. It felt like the people in beds were dying/transitioning. Honestly, I don’t know what to make of it. However, I was reminded of a dream I had a few nights ago where I was shown how each act of compassion/love helped form a grid of protection around planet Earth. I woke up crying from that one because I saw how fragile that grid really is.

The last dream felt like I was being shown my role as counselor and how I can hold space for others, taking on their pain/emotion and allowing them to feel relief, even if only for a moment. But the emotion I felt was still very real and like my own, so not a fun job if that is part of what I’m here to do.

Still feeling a bit in awe of this dream/Kundalini experience. Wow.

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Dream Theme: Exploring Sexual Conditioning

Lately, I have been questioning Human Design, specifically the idea that certain aura types generate energy and others don’t. The idea that some auras don’t generate their own energy lends one to believe that those types then are “vampires of energy”, having to rely on generating types to have any energy at all. Otherwise, they are easily exhausted and unable to do much. I don’t believe this to be true.

As a non-energy type Projector, I’ve rarely if ever find myself exhausted like this when alone. Technically, since I don’t generate my own energy, I should be a total sloth or at best someone who is forcing herself to wake up and move around throughout the day. Yet, here I am, with plenty of energy, exercising 5 days a week, working full-time, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc, and I still manage to have energy at the end of the day. Sure, I live with 4 Generating types, but they aren’t home with me 8 hours of each week day. So, how then, do I happen to have so much energy for all the tasks and things I do all day?

What I see in HD FB groups I’m in is young Projectors justifying their lack of energy because of their Type. They say, “I’m too tired” or “I just can’t exercise like I want, I just want to sleep.” Huh? I just don’t have that reality. “I can’t” usually only happens to me when I get sick and that is rare. I am always moving around and I find that I have extra energy – which, BTW, makes sense because I have so many Generating types around me. Exercise helps me process that energy and keeps me balanced.

I remember my Projector friend being tired often when we were young and she still seems to be like this. I never understood it. Why is she always so tired when I’m not if we are the same Type?

The most that happens to me when around too much activity/energy is I get grumpy and need to get away for a while. But, I am also a 2nd line, and this is common. I spend most of my time alone and am very particular about who I spend my time with. Is this why I am not tired? IDK.

When I was a teacher around kids and people all day, I ended up with major insomnia. This was from all the energy I picked up during the day. I just couldn’t release it all there was so much. Once I dropped full-time, that stopped. So, for me, the only downside is that I end up with too much energy and struggle to release it all.

I think, perhaps, people are just misunderstanding the idea of “energy type”. All auras create energy and have sufficient amounts to sustain the organism, otherwise we would be dead. lol My theory is that the Types in HD are referring more to how the aura functions than to how much energy a person has or is capable of generating. So then, yeah, Projectors would accumulate energy and need to release it, but this doesn’t mean they don’t have energy otherwise!

Okay, now to my crazy dreams.

Dreams with one theme last night. I also woke frequently and slept much lighter than I have been.

Dream: Escort Wagon

I’m inside a small house, or maybe a tiny house. When I think of the space, I think of a gypsy wagon or something similar. Yet at times, this small space is very large and resembled the inside of a modern home complete with large, spacious kitchen and floor to ceiling windows. I also know I’m in Montana (mountains, spiritual journey).

There is a discussion behind the dream scenes that I occasionally catch pieces of. There is enough information to recognize that I have been given an opportunity to select from a group of men the man I want to have as my sexual partner. It feels like someone has gifted me with a gigolo, or male escort, but I am undecided on whether to accept the gift or not. 

I recall being in a very nice kitchen (seeking nourishment, wisdom) with white, marble countertops, thinking specifically, “I don’t need a man. I can pleasure myself.” This is my strongest argument against taking advantage of the offered gift. I don’t see why I should bother with a man and all that goes along with one – their tendency to latch onto me and not let go, their expectations, their projections – all to curb my own desire. 

Then I am in the living room. I am aware of men in the space with me. I believe there are three, but I specifically see two. Somehow I know these men are “from Montana” and I take note of this in the dream. They both have full beards (masculinity) that are very bushy to the point that the hair covers so much of their faces as to obscure their facial features almost entirely (trying to hide something). One man is very confident and explaining to the other man the “job” of escort. He struts around me and the other man, shoulders back, chest high, proclaiming his vast expertise and knowledge of how to pleasure a woman. 

The other man remains quiet and his eyes are big. It is clear he is new to the job. He is happy to let the other man win. 

The whole time it feels like I am suppose to select one of the men to be my partner. 

The men in the house all begin to exit out the back door except the two standing in front of me. The over confident man chooses to take the dog outside for a walk. It feels like I direct him to do so but have no specific memory of this. I turn toward the window and locate the light switch (seeking illumination). There are three switches and I switch them on, one by one, to see which one illuminates the back yard. I am able to turn on lights that extend all the way back to the edge of the property. They are like flood lights but they only stay on a moment and then flicker off. I try to get them to come back on, but only get the front lights to illuminate. I say, “There must be something wrong with the electrical.” I see the man walking the dog outside and then turn back towards the other man.

I take the hand of the other man, the quiet one, and pull him towards me. I turn back to face the window as I wrap his arms around me, asking, “Are you nervous?” He is standing behind me, pulling me close, both of us facing the large windows. He says nothing. Instead tilts my head towards his own and gently kisses me. My lucidity must peak because I can feel and taste his mouth on mine (and I don’t feel a beard). He kisses me gently again and I hear him say (telepathically), “Let me try that again”. I feel my lower chakras begin to light up. 

Just as I begin to fall into the ecstasy of the moment, I am rudely pulled out of the dream by a guide asking, “Why did you choose him?” 

Conversation

Awake and a bit grumpy at the guide who intentionally pulled me out of a wonderful dream, I reluctantly answered his question. I said, “Because he is new to this. He is like me.” This answer came with a recognition of my feelings about the other man, the over confidant one. Though he likely would be the better lover because of his experience, his conceit was unattractive and I felt that if I selected him I would put myself at a disadvantage because I didn’t feel to be his equal. He would have total control and I would be completely at his mercy. To voluntarily put myself in such a situation would leave me vulnerable.

Yet, there was a part of me that was highly attracted to the over confident man and desired nothing more than to submit to him fully.

What is funny is that a scene from a nature show I saw long ago came to mind. It was about chimpanzees. The alpha male went around beating up the other males and having sex with all the females in front of the lower males to prove his dominance. Yet, when the alpha male was distracted, the females sought out the lesser males and had sex with them. lol 

I wondered just how much of my dream selection was based upon a similar pattern, engrained in my genetic makeup, that continues to play out. 

A discussion commenced on my rejection of the over confident man. I told my guidance that I didn’t trust that my feelings were my own. I cited my completely open solar plexus specifically. A completely open center means the person has no defined way of taking in information so they end up taking it in based upon those who are defined or have channels/gates to that center. The solar plexus is the emotion center. Since mine is completely open, the emotion I feel is fluid and has no definition at all. I amplify the emotion of others instead. So their feelings feel to be mine, but they aren’t. I can become easily confused by this, thinking I feel one way only to have that feeling completely vanish when I am not in the vicinity of that person. 

I told my guidance that I feel I have no real emotion because of this openness and they said otherwise. They asked me to think of how I feel when alone. I mostly just feel bored, but I do experience a wide range of feelings like anyone else. And if no one is near me, these feelings must originate from me. However, they can become what I think I should feel (Not-Self) based upon conditioning over the years, especially since I have a completely open head center. The completely open head center seeks to find meaning in everything. So I feel something and think, “It must mean ____” rather than just letting the feeling flow naturally without any conditions attached to it. Then I have a completely open heart center that causes me to feel no motivation or desire toward any one thing. So I think, “I feel ____ so it must mean ____ and I should do _____.” This is my mind and not my strategy and authority BTW.

Lots to think about. lol

Now wide awake with a persistent guide that continued to ask me to review the dream, it took me a while to return to sleep. 

Dream: Male Escorts

It seems the dream lesson was meant to continue. This time, though, I found myself at my mom’s house and my old bedroom. I was feeling very sexual and wishing I had a partner but preferred one that came with no strings attached. My consideration was still that I needed to be very careful because the men I’ve been with in this life tend to latch on for dear life. 

Again, I was talking to someone behind the scenes and a male escort was suggested because there would be no strings attached. I found an advertisement in a magazine and called the number. A man answered and I told him what I wanted, though I was somewhat embarrassed when I said it aloud. 

Within moments three men were in my bedroom with me, yet I was still talking to the main one on the phone. I was hesitant yet again, arguing that I could easily pleasure myself. “I don’t need a man”, was what I said/thought. This mirrors my thoughts in real time, too, as my experiences with men has left me preferring to leave them out of the act altogether. 

This is when the three men began to send me images of what they could do for me and began to sway my decision toward inviting them to join me. The overall message was “the more the better” in terms of pleasure. 

I remember being more curious about one of the men over the other two. He was a normal looking man (no beard this time lol) and I didn’t recognize him but then there was something familiar about him. I seemed to know he was there for a reason and memories of other times I’ve had dream encounters came to mind. I met my heart connection in the dreamstate over a year before I met him online. And another connection came in my dreams beforehand, also. Both times there was recognition – Knowing – that the men were not just dream characters but an aspect of a living, breathing person visiting me. And in this dream that same recognition was present. This man exists somewhere in the world and is visiting my dreams. Whether he is conscious of it or not, I can’t say. 

There was still a discussion on-going behind the scenes. It was about my attitudes and beliefs regarding sex; what is “good” and “bad”, etc. There was shame behind the sexual visuals I was receiving. Shame at how they made me feel because I have been conditioned to think of desire as “bad” and “sinful”. I remember thinking it important that protection be used and being reassured protection would be provided.

Eventually, I hung up the phone but not before the man I kept feeling drawn to asked me for my credit card information and address. I was concerned that he would misuse the info, but someone reassured me that he could be trusted, so I gave it. He looked at me in such a way as I began to panic a bit because I saw/felt something in him. It was a feeling I’ve had before from a dream encounter. It was an, “Oh no” feeling. Yet when he left, I had this urge to follow him.

I ended up outside my bedroom standing in the kitchen. I found some people having dinner together. One lady looked at me and asked me something but my attention was on the two young men with her. I saw one go out the front door. The other was at the table. The feeling I got was that I didn’t belong there and these people were suspicious of me. It is a feeling I am use to.

More Discussion

When I woke I was concerned about the man I met in my dream and still had that “uh oh” feeling. My guidance wanted to talk about something else, though. 

The discussion shifted to my environment specifically. They said, “We want to help you with your space.” I received much more telepathically about what they meant. They indicated that I needed to feel safe in my space and reminded me of my Human Design environment – Markets-Internal. Though I have created my own space, I do not feel safe in it. I don’t feel I have much control over who enters or leaves it. On top of this, I rarely if ever invite anyone into my space. A person with Markets-Internal thrives when they have a space of their own and invite others into it, others with similar interests to their own. The space becomes a safe place where ideas and knowledge are exchanged. 

I was immediately reminded of my place in Denton, the place where I first practiced as a Psychic/Medium. I lived there alone with my dog but the living area was arranged to create a space for me to give readings. I had many, many people come into my home and receive readings and healing from me. I also worked part-time from a spiritual shop and had my own little space there where people came to me for readings. 

The thing is, I rarely invite people into my space, not socially anyway. I can’t see how inviting people would work for me anyway. As a Projector, my job is the wait to be invited, not initiate. Additionally, I am part Hermit, so I don’t like people in my space, at least not just any people. I have to know and trust them. 

It is interesting, though, how all the right people and situations just came to me. This was because I was in the correct environment. I know that now. Invitations come more readily when in the correct environment. 

It is obvious that I am not in the correct environment now. 

My guidance told me, “Don’t worry. We will help you.” But I felt somewhat hopeless. A song came to mind, though, which feels like reassurance.

Messages: “Don’t give up” and you’ve “got stamina”. 😉

by

Dream: Conjunction of Moon and Sun

I continue to study Human Design. The more I learn, the more questions I have and the more I want to know. So, finally, I made an appointment for a Foundation Reading. It is on May 24th. I will share what I learn after my reading. Until then, I will continue my exploration and share what I find along the way. Currently, I am looking more deeply into attraction channels and what I have learned are known as the Kundalini channels. Pretty cool!

Sleep continues to be deep and dream-filled. Most of my dreams are odd and many mornings I wake up Knowing things that I didn’t know prior to bed. This Knowing is like a download of information that all points to one, single conclusion. These conclusions are related to my process and quite private, so I will leave them that way.

The below dream came this morning and I wanted to share it because a familiar symbol presented itself. I also felt very free and hopeful in this dream, something that doesn’t happen too often these days.

Dream: Conjunction of the Moon and Sun

The beginning of the dream I was in a large house with my husband and the kids. He was on the phone with a woman scheduling some activity for the kids. I got upset at him for this but he wouldn’t listen to me and kept making the appointment. I remember getting so upset that he wasn’t listening to me and I couldn’t stop him that I began to pinch his cheek really hard. Someone observing mentioned how it looked and I didn’t care. I was too upset. I realized in the dream that I was being shown a dynamic that needed to be seen. It wasn’t to shame me but to bring awareness. 

The scene shifts. I assume I left on a walk. I was outside and saw it had snowed. It was a heavy, wet snow and already melting. Seeing the snow brought me joy and I put on some skate skis and took Monty for a walk. I got out my phone and took video of myself as I did this, sharing that I woke up and there was snow and I was going to enjoy it before it melted. I remember looking around me in awe of the serene beauty I found myself in. There is something peaceful and calm about freshly fallen snow.

As I took the video, I captured an amazing sight. I saw this golden glow in the sky beyond the trees. When I noticed it, I thought it was the sun it was so bright, but then a glorious full moon shown through the trees and clouds parted to reveal it in all its majesty. It was gigantic, like unnaturally large, taking up the entirety of my visual field. The colors on the video were breathtaking – yellows, oranges and pinks. It was a sunrise or sunset of unprecedented beauty!

I came to a hill and my skis began to slip underneath me as I put away my phone. I looked up to find the moon and it was hidden behind the trees but I could still see the magnificent colors in the sky around it. I climbed up the hill, pulling myself up with great effort. When I reached the top, the moon had risen higher but the sky was still very bright. The moon looked more normal. A white sphere in the sky.

I walked toward the house. On the porch, which was covered in melting snow, I ran into my mom who was asking me why I hadn’t taken her bags to be recycled at Wal-Mart. I told her I went for a walk and pointed to the sky. This is when I noticed the moon and the sun were in the sky at the same time. The sun was on the left and the moon was on the right. They were not touching, but close enough that it was very obvious what was happening. Their combined light was breathtaking. It created this white brilliance. I remember saying, “Good things are coming.” I was filled with hope and awe for what I felt was coming, but the specifics of this future event was not present. I recognized the sign I was being shown as I had seen it in many dreams before. The moon and sun in the sky, together and very close, meant a conjunction was coming, one where masculine and feminine energies blend together in Union.

I decided to continue and ski before the snow melted. I left the porch, going past a bunch of elderly people sitting and taking in the view. This part of the dream is full of this fun feeling as I skied so fast that I am surprised I didn’t fall. Monty chased after me as I went through field after field of snow. There was this chaser being chased feeling, a feeling of being a child again; care-free.

Eventually we came to a snow-covered playground. Monty ran into it and I slowed. Two people were clearing the area and preparing it for people. I heard a male voice say to the woman in front, “We have to get this cleared.” 

I continued on but saw Monty did not come with me. I turned around and saw a man petting him. I went up to a wire gate and called Monty. The man looked up at me with a huge smile and commented on how friendly my dog was.

This is when the dream shifts and I am suddenly watching this blonde woman speaking to a group. She is saying thank you and telling them “I feel like I know you all!”. She is standing within a wired enclosure that resembles a giant cage.

Then the scene shifts again and I am laying in bed with my heart connection. I am laying on his left and on his right is another woman with dark hair. I am upset that he has this woman close to him. I want to be the only woman in his life. Yet he is holding us both equally as if he wants us to share him. My mind is reeling. I know that the connection he has with this other woman is older than the one he has with me. They have more history. Knowing this makes me feel uncertain and afraid of losing him to her. I don’t like the feeling. I think I will do anything to get her out of the picture, even kill this woman. This thought disturbs me.

As I begin to wake, a disturbing image comes to mind. It is a Golden Retriever chewing on the arm of a person who is still alive. I know she is being eaten alive and cringe. The woman does nothing. She just lays there and lets the dog eat her. I want to help her. I wake up.

When I wake up, a song is going through my mind:

Where are you now
Where are you now
Where are you now
Where are you now

Take me home, I feel homesick
I don’t know where I’m going
Too many faces, but none I know
And I’m alone on the subway home
On the subway home

Interpretation

The first part of the dream seems only to show me something about myself. What I took from it was that I play a part in the disagreements that exist between myself and my husband. My anger at my inability to incite any kind of change overwhelms me and I fall into a negative pattern. The trigger seems to be feeling unheard.

The second part of the dream feels like a message related to a previous message I received about “after the snow melts”. Snow is symbolic of something unchanged; frozen. It often represents feelings that have gone “cold” or a sense of being stuck and unchanging. That the snow is melting is positive. Movement and change is coming; freedom. I am able to see the beauty in the snow and rather than succumbing to the cold/frozen feeling, I embrace it and ski. Skiing represents breezing through a difficult situation; feeling accomplished for surviving a difficult time.

The moon represents the feminine. That it is rising up and appears so big and beautiful is likely a symbol of my own feminine nature. Perhaps I will feel free to finally fully embody my feminine nature? The steep hill indicates a struggle but not a big one, since I easily reach the top.

I don’t know what the encounter with my mom symbolizes. The best I can figure is that she represents the “wise” version of myself. The recycling she has is likely representative of a time of regeneration. I need to rest and regenerate. the sun and moon in the sky brings me hope and I seem to know what it means. With this I enjoy myself until the dream shifts and I see a woman in a cage. Perhaps she is me? But then she seemed so happy to be in that cage!

The shift to being with my heart connection was unexpected. I believe it may be a warning of some past life tendency toward jealousy. Hopefully, I am not going to have to confront karma related to killing someone!

Finally, the vision of the woman being eaten alive. My guess is that it represents my situation. I am allowing someone or something to eat me alive. Golden Retrievers represent family ideals. Perhaps I am being “eaten alive” because I am loyal to my family/the idea of family? Ouch!

Lots to digest and process from this dream, that’s for sure!

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Human Design Primary Health System (PHS)

As I continue to explore Human Design connections, some important information is arising, information that I feel is relevant to my life path. My most recent exploration has been into the PHS – Primary Health System. This is the part of HD that has long fascinated me because it directs an individual toward their proper environment. When someone is residing within their proper environment, resistance is removed, the body is healed and they are better able to follow their strategy and authority. When I read about these benefits, I wanted them! Wouldn’t you?

So, I will now share what I’ve recently learned about the PHS. I will try and be as detailed as I can, but if you are just beginning to learn about HD, you may be missing foundation information that is needed to understand and apply what I am about to share.

PHS

The top, left arrow on your HD chart (which you can get at GeneticMatrix.com) is where you find the component of the PHS. You will want to go to your Body view rather than the Quantum view that is the default. The Body chart often times indicates you are a different type than your Quantum chart but don’t be concerned if it is. The Body chart is showing what profile type your body is. The Body chart is where the info for the PHS lies.

NOTE: Genetic Matrix has changed the name of the views from “Body” and “Foundation” to “Design” and “Personality”. This is actually more accurate a description and a good edit IMO but could potentially confuse you, so I am noting it here. It also appears you can view the Design chart without a subscription – so it is now free. Yay!

So, my body (design) type is Reflector, which is typical for Projectors.

From here, the focus is on the information listed under Body (Design). It lists the following on my chart:

Brain: Passive
Determinism: Nervous
Cognition: Inner Vision
Environment: Markets – Internal
Environmental Style – Observed

First, focus on Determinism (color) and Cognition (tone).

Before I get into color and tone, I want you to look a the first arrow on my chart below (has a big R with two 4’s underneath). These specifically align with the PHS and what I am about to share with you. Unfortunately, the Genetic Matrix design chart no longer includes the arrows which was just pointed out to me by a reader (thank you!). You can find this information either by getting a one day subscription to Genetic Matrix, by purchasing the Advanced Mia Mechanics Imaging software that can be found here (expensive), purchasing a quick chart via this website for $3.00 or getting a Foundation Reading from a certified HD Analyst (where I got my chart). The option I would suggest is Genetic Matrix but the arrows are not necessary to find your PHS.

Old Genetic Matrix Body/Design chart with arrows
Mia Mechanics Imaging Quick Chart

Determinism = Color = Digestion (of both food and information), tends to be where we hold deep conditioning.

Six types

#1: Appetite – two kinds: Consecutive and Alternating. These people need to eat bland foods. Consecutive peeps need to eat foods one at a time (no eating a bite of fish followed by a bite of potato). This type is the most primitive and restrictive digestion type. Think “caveman” diet. Similarly, when digesting information, you need to take in information little by little and one/or one subject/topic at a time; otherwise you could easily overwhelm yourself

#2: Taste – two kinds: Closed and Open. These people need to eat the same foods over and over again. Eat habitually and with a routine. The Open type tends to do well sharing food with others. Seasonal foods are okay, but the keyword here is “habitual”. If it is information, then these people digest information in the same pattern or way. They have habits and a routine they follow.

#3: Thirst – two kinds Hot and Cold. Hot – eat foods warmer than body temperature. Cold – eat food cooler than body temperature. Can also use Ayurveda. For information, the temperature is key. Too cold for those who are Hot and you will struggle to take in new information. Same goes for those with the Cold type.

#4: Touch – two kinds Calm and Nervous. These people need to prepare for digestion. Calm people need calm to digest. Eating alone is good for them. Nervous people need action to digest – with other people, with TV or radio, while talking/socializing, in public, or moving around (driving, walking, fidgeting). *Nervous is my color/determinism (#4) and I can verify this eating and learning environment works best for me. For example, I use to do my homework while sitting in front of the TV.

#5: Sound – High and Low. All about the amount of noise when digesting (food or info). High need sound (turn on the music). Low need quiet (put in those noise cancelling earbuds). High needs to eat frequently (or study repetitively over a longer time). Low needs to eat less (or cram for that test!). A High person may snack all day. A Low person may eat one time all day.

#6: Light – Direct and Indirect. This is the most sensitive type. Direct peeps need to digest (study/eat) during the daylight hours (not after dark). Indirect peeps need to digest at night (not during the day). *My husband is Indirect and tends to be a nighttime eater. I told him he needs to practice intermittent fasting during the day. He practically does this anyway.

Tone – Cognition – How you connect with the world
Note: Our Authority taps into Tone to help us become aware of what is good/bad for us.

#1: Security – Smell – Splenic (fear/survival oriented). These people need to “smell out” what is correct or incorrect for them. They are good at recognizing and are protective types, they do not like the new/unexpected, they tend to store memories well, they investigate to be aware of threats.

#2: Uncertainty – Taste – Splenic. High awareness of the world, recognize something new the moment it emerges, they like to experiment, they want to “taste life”.

#3: Action – Outer Vision – Ajna (third-eye, intuition). Strategic outer vision, they rely on their physical eyes, where the Not-Self mind comes from, they are fully aware of the world and are taking steps to control it.

#4: Meditation – Inner Vision – Ajna. Theirs is a sensory world. They take in information via their third-eye (intuition). Outer vision may confuse them. Do not rely on outer vision/physical eyes but trust their inner eyes. *This is my cognition/tone and it is very true for me. What I see within is what I go with regardless of what the outer world view is.

#5: Judgment – Feeling – Solar Plexus. Empathy is your super power. These people go on how something feels to them. Feeling is their compass.

#6: Acceptance – Touch – Solar Plexus. These are the touchy feely peeps. They need to touch the world. If uncertain, touch it.

If you go back to my chart and those two 4’s, you can see that my tone/color #’s correspond to those numbers. I am #4 color and #4 tone. 🙂

Environment – Ideal place to work/live

6 Types

1.Caves – Selective or Blending. All about feeling safe and secure in their space. These are very private people. Selective seek to control their environment more than Blending. This doesn’t mean you need to live in an actual cave, but your space may feel or look similar. One entrance/exit, dark or closed off, need to see who comes in, need preparation for visitors. Avoid sleeping/sitting with back to the door.

2. Market – Internal or External. These people thrive in a busy place. External needs to be in an active or busy space such as an office environment with open theme and lots going on. Internal invites people into their own space such as work-from-home, internet business, studio, gallery. *Markets-Internal is my environment and is accurate for me. I work from home now but also use to invite people into my space when I did readings.

3. Kitchen – Wet or Dry. This is a place of production. Can be an actual kitchen, too, but mainly somewhere things are “prepared” or “created”. Wet means tropical or green. Dry means dessert or arid. If you can’t be in a Wet or Dry area, you can put wet or dry plants in your actual kitchen or “creative” space. *My husband is Kitchens-Dry. He is all about production in his life and we live in a semi-arid location now but he use to live in New Mexico (desert).

4. Mountains – Active or Passive. This is all about perspective. These peeps need to see from “above”. Active means be/live in an actual higher elevation (high-rise, second story house). Passive is on a mountain top or plateau, natural setting.

5. Valleys – Narrow or Wide. This person does well lower in elevation (opposite of Mountains). They need to be “in” the thick of things, where the information flows. Narrow means less space around them and Wide means more space around them. It can be in an actual valley or in a space where information is flowing.

6. Shores – Natural or Artificial. Natural need to be around natural bodies of water. Artificial near man-made bodies of water. If you can’t be near either, then being between two kinds of environments will suffice (between city and country for example). Ideally be near water. Work/live near fountain if Artificial. Work/live near lake, ocean, river if Natural.

For Projectors

In general, some Projectors may find they tend to feel better when they eat small meals throughout the day (or night if you are that color)

Projectors may be prone to over-eating because of their tendency to be conditioned via all their open centers.

There is a tendency to not need as much protein (carb lovers). Higher carb diets may work for you.

These are just general guidelines, though. Always follow your Strategy/Authority. Eat what you feel drawn to. Don’t eat what repels you.

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Human Design Connections – Part 2

This post is going to focus more on the connection charts I have done thus far. I will share some of the charts as well as the information I learned along the way.

Connection Charts I have created so far:
Family
Husband
Ex Husband
Children – all three
Mother
Significant people of interest to me

Below is my family chart. Lots of information but the main part I focus on is the aura theme which is Hierarchical Tension. My guess is that this theme indicates that individuals in the family do not have clearly defined roles and so frequently question the roles of other family members and step on one another’s toes in the process. This feels like an accurate theme to me! I find it interesting that our group is missing “future” and “discovery”. I wonder what significance this has?

The next chart is my connection with my husband. The center chart is our combined energy. Below the chart are the connection channels.

Definitions of the connection channels for your reference:

Compromise channel – when one person has an entire channel, and the other person has only one gate. Creates a natural push and pull dynamic. One person will always have the entire channel and will naturally try to pull the person with one gate into their energy.
Dominance channel – when one person has an entire channel and the other person is undefined in that channel. When together, the person with the dominance channel will naturally condition the other person by lending their defined energy.
Friendship channel – the two have the same defined channel(s). This can make this aspect of the other seem uninteresting because it is shared.
Attraction channel – both individuals have half a gate that when together form a complete one (50-50). Together, these two gates activate the third energy of the channel. Attraction channels are literally like a spark that occurs when the two people come together. Attraction channels create an intense magnetism between two people, particularly at first. Source

Our connection theme is: “Not in a relationship anymore”. LOL I am still laughing at this because it feels accurate. My understanding is that we get along best when we put aside our ideas and expectations about our relationship and what a relationship is/means and connect as friends would. When we operate under the idea of being in a romantic relationship problems arise (frequently).

This next chart is the data chart for my connection with my husband. Please go to this link for an explanation of the sections of this chart.

Based upon the data, my husband and I are not a very good match. While we do have a fairly good mind to planet to crystal resonance and our mind base orientation matches up exactly, the view to crystal resonance is not a good indicator. Basically, what we have is not a “soul mate” connection. Our environments also don’t match up well, but this is a minor issue and because I am Markets – Internal, I can pretty much be/live anywhere as long as I don’t feel penned in and can create a space where I can invite others to join me.

In contrast to the above chart, here is another connection data chart that shows a soul mate connection (quite to my surprise). See the two green arrows? This is a GOOD thing. Additionally, the mind base orientation and mind planet to crystal resonance indicate a good connection. The theme is also promising – Have some fun! (not on this chart but the original not shown). Since I have family who I have this theme with, I know how it feels and plays out, and it is a good theme to have.

The reason I am surprised by this chart is, of all the connections charts I created, this is the one for a profile type that typically does not match up with my own (5/1). So, toss out the profile matches list I guess.

I won’t share all the other connection charts because it would make this post way too long. Instead, I will summarize them.

Me and Ex Husband
Theme: Better to be free (lol)
View to crystal – both red (not soul mate connection)
Mind base – both focused
Mind planet to crystal resonance – moon, Venus, Mercury (me)
Environmental – red (not good) He is Kitchens and I am Markets

Me and Mom
Theme: Nowhere to go.
View to crystal – both red
Mind base – both focused
Mind planet to crystal resonance – Mars, Uranus, Mercury (me)
Environmental – red (not good) She is caves and I am Markets

Me and my Daughter
Theme: Have some fun!
View to crystal – both red
Mind base – binary separation (daughter), focused (me)
Mind planet to crystal resonance – Uranus, Venus (me)
Environmental – red (not good) She is Kitchens and I am Markets

Me and my Oldest Son
Theme: Work to do.
View to crystal – one blue, one red (fair)
Mind base – binary (him), focused (me)
Mind planet to crystal resonance – moon, Pluto, Mercury (me)
Environmental – green, we are both Markets-Internal

Me and my Youngest Son
Theme: Have some fun!
View to crystal – both red
Mind base – binary (him), focused (me)
Mind planet to crystal resonance – Jupiter, Saturn, Venus (me)
Environmental – green, he is Markets – External, I am Markets – Internal

Me and Connection R
Theme: Not in a relationship anymore (lol – true!)
View to crystal – one green, one red (half soul mate? lol)
Mind base – both focused
Mind planet to crystal resonance – Saturn, Uranus (me)
Environmental – red (not good) He is Mountains and I am Markets

And finally, just to see how it changed the family aura theme, I did a family chart for me and the kids (minus their dad). This is what the result was:

The theme changed to: Secure at Home. This feels accurate. My husband is frequently away on business trips. When he is gone, the energy shift is dramatic. The tension goes away. Me and the kids get along well and there is a kind of peace that falls over the house. Even my daughter, who tends to be the loudest of the group, is calmer, more interactive and less likely to hide away in her room.

I did do a chart of just the kids and their dad and the theme is also “secure at home”. I’m not surprised. The main difference is that the missing groups goes to three instead of two. With him the missing groups are future, tradition and discovery.

One Month – Want a Chart?

I have one month to play with the Genetic Matrix pro account. If you would like me to create a connection chart for you, let me know. I won’t charge for this service because I am learning and exploring, which to me is reward enough! In order to get a chart, though, I need the following information for each individual: name (initials is fine) birth date, time of birth, birth location (city/state/country).

If you don’t know location and time you can provide an approximate but I can’t guarantee accuracy. What I have found is that if the location is within the same latitude/longitude area (for example, birth city unknown, but state is) then it won’t be an issue. The same goes with time as long as you have an approximate time (for example, born in the late morning but not sure exact time, then putting 10am will likely be sufficient).

Even with the charts I have created, I forgot my mom’s birth time but I had her previous chart so played around with the time until the charts matched. And with one of my connections I did the same because I knew he was a 3/5 Pure Generator from a previous chart (which I don’t have now) and only a certain time of day on his birth date matched that profile type.

Don’t be shy. If you are curious, send me an email via my contact form. The date this offer will end is 5/31/21.

Featured image is my connection chart with my mother. This is the only connection I have (that I know of) where together, all centers are defined. Pretty awesome, IMO.

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Human Design Connections – Part 1

Yesterday I decided to take the plunge and get a one month pro subscription to Genetic Matrix. Genetic Matrix allows you to create charts and the pro subscription gives you all the options to include connection charts, sleep charts, family charts – even pet charts! As you can imagine, I’ve been having a blast because I so enjoy learning new things.

My Human Design

So much information to share! To some of you this will be a bit over your heads (and for me, too!) but it is still fascinating to me, so I wanted to share and provide you with what I have deciphered for myself thus far. I will include my intuitive takes, also, because, for me, I operate via my Knowing and then use the information to validate that Knowing.

From my notes:

Body: 6/2 Reflector

I resonate more with the Reflector profile than Projector because of all my open centers. Turns out I am not wrong and have many qualities of a Reflector.

Environment: Markets – Internal
Someone who loves their work. So, when they find a job they enjoy it feels regenerative. Ideal work is: long-distance without a daily commute, over the internet, varies day-to-day. Needs to move about frequently regardless of where they are.

My considerations regarding environment/work: When I met my current husband I was at my second Body, Mind, Spirit Expo. I gave a lecture on Spirit Guides and was having a very successful weekend. At the time my idea was to do more expos across the state, slowly expanding until I was doing them across the U.S. It never happened because I chose to be with my husband and have a family. I now realize that at the time, I was following my Strategy and Authority, being pulled toward the type of work that suited me best in my ideal environment!

Current job is work-from-home. It is via the internet and gives me the freedom I need; however, it is not work I enjoy so it is not necessarily regenerative.

I am being observed in my environment rather than being the observer.

Environmental Theme: Hardscapes – Urban

Environmental Transference – Valleys – Narrow <—– Not-Self environment, the individual will often feel good here but in reality this environment is detrimental to their well-being. My reaction – I laughed because I was certain my environment was somewhere with lots of open space and thought of where my mom currently lives (in a valley). Of course I would think where my family resides would be good for me. Not so!

Market Environment: The Market theme is all about being selective about who/what is allowed into my life.

External Markets are bustling environments with a lot of people, and exchange of money/commerce, communication, and information. What makes the External Market special is that the individual with this Environment typically heads into the Market with a specific goal in mind – to buy a certain thing, find a certain person, etc. So, an ideal Market Environment would be one where the individual is benefitting from their exchanges with others, but they are very discerning about who they are interacting with to make sure they are getting what they want.

The Internal Market (my environment) is also a space of exchange – goods, information, energy. However, the Internal Market is an indoor or enclosed space that has been created so that the person with this Environment in their chart can invite people into their sacred space to congregate, exchange, and gather. These will be people that all share a common interest or goal. Source

Example Charts

Date of Uranus Opposition – 6 May 2019, 3/5 Emotional Manifesting Generator, Right Angle Cross (RAX) of the Sphinx

You are here to follow your own lead and be in the moment. You are transfixed by the now and your way of doing things. This self absorption is your individual contribution to the world. While it is not your intention to give others direction, you do. By following your heart and doing your own expressive thing, others can find direction through your example and will follow. Do your own thing and make sure it is your passion to your core. Source

Date of Chiron Return – 16 May 2027, 2/4 Emotional Projector, RAX Contagion 2

The energy of your Cross is to be a contributor through your individual effort. Your passion and expression of excitement is contagious and inspires others to follow your lead This energy means it is unlikely you will be the follower of others, at least not all the way. At some point, you will step out on your own to break new ground. When you do, it creates the energy for others to latch on to your ideas and catch the wave.

Sleep type – Reflector, no Earth plane

Example (below): Sleep Connection chart, me and my ex. I slept well with him in general, but every time he moved or made a sound I woke up. I struggled to fall asleep, which is common for me (Projectors have this issue because we have to release all the energy we’ve stored up from the day). I was taking antidepressants most of our relationship so I slept better and more deeply during this time. He also wasn’t home often so we slept apart quite a bit.

Considerations regarding sleep connections – Ex and current husband also Reflectors during sleep, but both have Earth plane. Wondering if this contributes to my difficulty sleeping with them? What my research indicates is that if both have a defined sacral then this would contribute to difficulty sleeping with them. When together, the sacral is highlighted, so perhaps this indicates the “why”.

Below are some more example charts to give you an idea of just how much you can on Genetic Matrix:

Foundation Keyword Chart, Gene Keys Chart, Foundation Chart – Godhead

In Part 2 I will go over specific connection charts to include family and individual relationships with partners (past and present), friends and my children.

Post featured image is my Life Cycle chart which clearly shows the three life stages of the 6/2, Role Model Hermit. The last phase begins at my Chiron Return and you can see that the 2/4 Emotional Projector type is listed. I am currently in the middle section, a 3/5 Emotional Manifesting Generator (gawd, no wonder!). lol See above Uranus Opposition chart for proof.

***I am exploring Human Design and learning through experimentation so the information in this post may not be completely accurate. Please feel free to correct any of my misconceptions if you are more familiar with HD.

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Walk-in/Walk-Out

The fatigue and heavy eyelids period seems to have passed and I’ve returned to my typical sleep patterns. I miss the great sleep but it was beginning to make me feel like a sloth during the day. Happy to have my energy back! Not sure how long it will last, but it sure is nice to have the cobwebs cleared away and my focus back. I still have mommy-brain (does it ever go away?) but that’s okay.

When the fatigue stopped, clarity took its place. Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. I felt good and even exercised without incident. There was a realization that I have been resisting the flow of life because it is not going fast enough and change is not perceived. There are things I would like to see change but it is not the time. My guidance has been trying to help me Remember this is part of my path. They mention I have made a “commitment” and I assumed its meaning rather than recognize the word itself doesn’t give any indication about who or what I committed to.

I was led to return to my Walk-In Life blog and saw my last post was in April, 2020. I thought it no coincidence that it has been exactly a year. The post itself was positive, indicating a preparation and integration period. 

Interestingly enough, last week I was reminded of the walk-in experience and how I have been in a very long integration period. Many of the feelings I have are typical of this period: sadness, overwhelm, feeling unable to change the world, falling into the walk-out’s old patterns (letting her take the reigns because of overwhelm). All are typical, especially becoming lost in old patterns and behaviors.

It can take years and years to integrate after a walk-in event(s). A common amount of time is 7-10 years, though it can be sooner or later depending on the individual. It is easy to end up lost in the old because of friends and family member’s expectations that you remain as you were. The pressure to be the old version is high. For me, it feels like it is all part of “the plan”. This plan stems from the need to complete the karmic lessons of the walk-out. She is/I am a mother to three children. That doesn’t just go away. Yet being aware of all that I am, it is hard to live within both realities simultaneously. So my solution was to shut myself off from my spiritual Team/Home out of an inability to reconcile what I experienced and how I’d changed with the rest of my life and the world as a whole. However, shutting it out completely only led to my current predicament. I have to return to the balanced version, the me who can navigate both worlds and remain centered throughout.

Along the way I have had encounters with others who were called in to assist me. Their goal is to help me Remember so that I do not become completely lost in this dense reality and go off path. I see now how a particular individual was meant to help me with this. The way he entered and left my life, each time shaking me up just enough to remind me of my higher purpose. Each time the small self won out with her fears, considerations and survival inclinations becoming primary to everything else. It is a struggle to shift away from old patterns, habits and beliefs, even when faced with the extraordinary. The saying, “If it’s seems too good to be true, then it probably is”, comes to mind. Yet I have experienced something that is beyond just “good”, so that reasoning is obviously faulted.

Duh. If I had only been paying more attention! But then the process itself is more important than any regrets I might have because it has taken me step-by-step to this moment and thus prepared me for what is coming next. 

Walk-In

In case you are not sure what a walk-in is, here is a quick explanation. In some cases, a walk-in describes the process of a new soul coming into a physical body. The walk-out is the old soul who has decided to leave and rather than waste a perfectly good body, the walk-in takes over. It is prearranged and is NOT possession. This is the least common walk-in scenario and often goes along with a major physically traumatic event such as a NDE. In other situations, a walk-in is simply a higher aspect merging with the lower aspect. Often times the lower aspect has many soul fractures or splinters leaving it unable to complete its soul mission without assistance. Again, trauma is involved but not necessarily an NDE, though it is possible that the individual may have had a NDE.

My experiences align with the second definition and it is my understanding that many walk-in’s in this present time period are this kind of walk-in. It is part of the ascension, which is essentially, by definition, the walk-in process (higher self descends to meet with lower self to create a more whole, centered and aware version). The result is the small self (Ego) is put in the back seat of the car (life path/body vehicle) and the Higher Self drives – which is how it is suppose to be!

There is no one-size-fits-all walk-in experience.

As a result of this Remembering (the walk-in integration process and all it entails), I have been tuning in more frequently and speaking/singing in Light Language again. My energy body immediately responds. I literally feel lit up. The bliss begins in my chest and spreads outward in waves. I’ve stopped retreating or pulling my energy in close and have started to open back up, reaching out to receive, and receive I do! And in doing this I realize that I have chosen to ignore or turn my back on the bliss state because (like I said above), “It must be too good to be true.”

Other walk-in’s, those I’ve met in the past, speak in Light Language frequently – daily. It immediately increases ones vibration. There is no doubt about it. But even without speaking in Light Language I can tune into the bliss just by settling into my heart.

Recently when I was focusing on my heart I felt/saw a pool of water there. It was like my entire heart space was a vast lake. I imagined myself floating on the water and fell into waves of bliss. So I keep falling into the water, diving even, and then just float there. Sometimes it is so beautiful that I start to cry. The bliss is there, all the time, in me! And in you, too, if you look for it.

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Dream Healing Experience

Sleep didn’t come as easily last night. As soon as I got into bed I felt a strong energy from out in front of me and slightly to my left. Initially, when I sensed it, the energy felt urgent and I felt like jumping out of bed and acting on that urgency. This is when I questioned the energy and heard back, “We are here to help you” and sensed a very large group of Beings – the Council of 12 is what I have called them in the past. Though I felt tired and my eyes were heavy, when I attempted sleep I tossed and turned until just before midnight.

Dream Healing Experience

I found myself inside an apartment with a young, blonde man. I was questioning why I was there. He seemed nice enough and resembled someone I met back in 2015. I remember feeling extremely drowsy. 

I sat down on the floor and propped myself up against a sofa. The young man plopped down next to me. As we talked, his energy was very calming and surrounded me in a kind of cocoon of energy. The energy was beautiful and caused my drowsiness to intensify. I discovered that I was this man’s roommate and the attention he paid me caused me to worry he might be interested in a relationship with me. He stayed very close, touching me at all times with some part of himself. His energy said, “It’s okay. You’re safe and loved. Talk to me”. I remember thinking, “He’s like me” and being relieved but my eyes were so heavy and all I wanted to do was rest for a bit. I told him this but he continued to hover. I closed my eyes, enjoying his energy, and he began to shower me with kisses all over my face. I told him I just wanted to lay there with him and asked him if he could hold me. He appeared to do this and for a brief period I surrendered to the amazing comfort and safety of his arms.

Then, suddenly, a strange woman wearing a long dress was standing in the doorway to the apartment. She had long, wavy, dark hair and a serious look on her face. The young man jumped up in a hurry and told me he had to go to work. He was wearing khaki pants and a matching shirt as he left through the front door. The door was odd, though. It was not solid and seemed to be made of a thick mat of beads or a similar material. I stood as he closed the door. It didn’t shut completely and he returned to push it into place. 

Seeing it was morning and I was all alone in a new place, I began to investigate my new home. As I looked around I was thinking of my situation. I knew I had lost my job. In my mind I was mulling over all my previous jobs and remember feeling as if someone suggested a previous employer as an option. There was no concern or worry about my situation. I seemed to just accept it.

I sat down at the kitchen table and was surprised by an young Asian woman. She was drinking a soda (happy, upbeat attitude) and I noticed I had one, too. I asked her name and she gave me a name that didn’t make sense, so I asked her what her family called her. She told me she couldn’t tell me. In talking with her, I soon learned the apartment was much larger than it seemed and at least eight others lived in it. These others began coming into the kitchen at this time but I only recall four or five of them, some male, some female. The Asian woman asked me if I was going to drink my soda. When I said I wasn’t, she asked if she could have it and when I agreed she took it eagerly.

I took a closer look at the kitchen. I had this empty feeling and I felt like I needed to fill it with something, food maybe. There were groceries all over the countertops but it was mostly loaves of bread (basic needs in life). I briefly mentioned they must like bread as I thought that I would certainly have to go shopping for more foods items because bread alone wouldn’t suffice. Then I asked if they had a coffee maker. The Asian woman said they did. I asked if anyone drank coffee (seeking more awareness), she said she would but only with a certain kind of creamer. I took note of this as an item to add to my shopping list. 

Throughout all this I was conversing with them about my situation. I mentioned that I was paid $250/week and this information seemed off. I didn’t become lucid in the dream, though. All at once I realized that I had lost everything – my job, my house, my family, my identity even. My reaction to this was shock and an expansion of the empty feeling I had previously. There was a brief panic at not knowing what to do.

The next thing I know, I am standing outside the door to the apartment. I don’t know how I got there but it felt like I’d been kicked out. Feeling abandoned and alone, I began to wander the streets aimlessly.

I came to a busy area where people were walking about or sitting at tables. I saw some guys attempting to bully a young, nerdy guy into handing over his valuables. I walked up to them and slipped my hand into his pocket and retrieved a wad of money. The bullies had in their hand a folder and were looking through it. One mentioned how good I was as a pickpocket. The other, holding the folder, pulled out some sheet music and then put it back inside. I turned to the nerd who was standing there in shock. I asked his name and he gave me a name that started with a “V”. Somehow I knew he was a musician. I felt bad for him and ashamed at myself for taking his money but I needed the money. I had to eat.

As I walked away, I turned to see the crowded space of people of all ages and races. I noticed something was off and went to investigate. I found a young black mother and her daughter, both dead, sitting at one of the tables. The daughter had her throat cut from her neck all the way down to the middle of her chest. I look around and saw no one there even noticed. They were all too busy. I went up to the dead mother and daughter. I placed their bodies next to one another on the floor, wrapping the daughter in her mother’s arms. Then I pulled a blanket up and around them, covering them completely. 

In this moment I am transported back to the apartment. All of the roommates are there hovering around me as I stand at the entrance. It is similar to another dream I had recently. I feel like a child, very naïve. For some reason I excitedly announced that I learned one could find food by looking for the trucks “with the light”. 

Sudden realization hit me. I thought, “I’m acting like a child.” And as soon as the thought hit me, I burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. 

What I recall of this moment is my thoughts and the feeling from the group that surrounded me. My main thought was the world is a horrible place full of self-serving individuals. I am reminded of the dead mother and daughter and how no one even noticed or tried to help, caught up in their own life dramas. I thought of how those bullies took advantage of the nerd. Again, self-serving behavior. I was both horrified and shocked by what I experienced. The feeing was there was no hope for this planet or the people on it.

I remember pausing for a moment. My tears stopped and I looked at the people standing around me. When I felt their energy and support, I burst into tears again.

The feeling from those who surrounded me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I felt wrapped in a bubble or cocoon of energy. I remember thinking, “They are like me”, and recognizing they were somehow directing or manipulating the energy, my energy. I thought they must be reflecting my own energy back at me or something, but this didn’t seem right. The feeling of being in the cocoon was the most wonderful, safe, feeling I’ve ever had. I could be completely open and vulnerable. I could be myself without worry of judgement or expectation. I realized that being this way is all I’ve ever wanted but because I sense how people truly are, I’ve never met anyone I can be 100% myself with. It was such a relief to finally let go. 

As I began to wake up from the dream, I could hear soft music accompanying my tears.

After Waking

When I woke I was sobbing, the kind of sobbing where I can’t breathe. Even when I stopped, the tears would seep out unexpectedly. I realized how trapped I feel in this world. Abandoned. Alone.

I remember that during the dream someone was talking to me about certain people in my life, people I would rather not be around and so avoid. When asked if I would reconsider, I felt into their energy and could not tolerate it. My reply was, “No”. Then I said, “I’m with the wrong people (in my life)”. The people I should be around should make me feel like the roommates in my dream. 

As I lay in the in-between I remember catching pieces of a conversation. What is funny is that whenever I tried to focus on what was being said, it would instantly be lost to me. I was told it was purposeful, and I understood. The feeling of it was enough. I remember Knowing that difficult times were ahead, similar to the situation I found myself in during the dream. A feeling of all being lost. The dream served as a warning of this but also a message that I would find my people, people who “are like me”. What that means, I don’t know exactly. In the dream I remember thinking they must be Projectors or Reflectors (HD) because of how their energy felt. I didn’t feel like my own energy was being sucked dry; depleted. It was such a relief.

I questioned my guidance regarding the music that was playing. It was was like a scene from a movie and I knew I should find some humor in it, but I didn’t. Soon enough, though, another song came to mind: “Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else only it ain’t on the surface. Well you talk like yourself but I hear someone else and now you’re making me nervous.” I understood my guidance was letting me know their concern.

This is the whole song:

I wrote the above portion of this post early this morning and came back to it now (mid-day) because the feeling from my dream returned briefly and brought on more tears. It feels like whatever is going on isn’t over. There is a sense of something big, or an “uh-oh” type feeling of anticipation.

by

Re-Calibration and Dream

Woke up this morning realizing that I am probably done with the spiritual work of my past. Meaning, I’m most likely never going to do readings or mediumship or medical intuition or any of those things to the extent that I did before I got married. Other, younger individuals, are taking up those reigns. They are the ones receiving the communication and having the expansive experiences now. It kinda made me sad to think of it but then I know this is part of the cycle.

There is a super moon right now and I had hoped for some experiences in my sleep. Kundalini would’ve been nice. A trip OOB like I use to have, visiting ETs, other worlds and living/breathing space ships would have been good, too. Nope. I just had a dream where I was outside, climbing in a tree telling my husband I am going to quit school and watching cars drive at night without headlights. WTF? lol

I know my guidance advised me not to look too much into my dreams, but here it is anyway:

Dream: Quitting School

I find myself suddenly standing outside the elementary school I attended in 5th grade. I am at the back of a line of young students, about five to ten feet from the group. A teacher is asking them to be quiet and fix the line. She is making threats like, “We will stand here until you can listen, even if it takes all day” and “Everyone get five others to follow directions”. The kids are trying to stand in a straight line but they are struggling. Some want to wander, others are just not understanding what “straight” means, and still aren’t listening because they are talking to their friends or just distracted by the world around them. 

As I watch, I recall being the student and the teacher and going through this routine. I wonder, “Why is it so important that the line be straight and the kids don’t talk?” I think how the new generations will challenge those who attempt to get them to do things that make no actual sense and serve no other purpose than to force them into submission. 

As I am standing in line, I am able to see and experience the scene from all perspectives. I have 360 degree vision. As a result, I turn and face myself, zooming in on my body standing there observing. I realize I am wearing my night shirt and long pants. I return to my own perspective feeling a bit confused and worried that I am not properly dressed. I think I should ask the teacher, “Do you have a school shirt I could wear?” But I don’t ask. Instead, it feels like an outside force pulls me back out to take another look at myself. My visual field is focused as if looking through a telescopic lens. It zooms in on the front of my t-shirt where a large rose is centered over my chest. I am reminded of a similar occurrence the night before where this rose was illuminated. I feel/Know it is a message.

The scene shifts. I am in a void but recall talking to my husband or someone who feels like him. I recognize that I am attending school a second time around and, as is a common theme in my dreams, I protest this because I have already graduated. I think (or maybe it is suggested) perhaps I could learn something new by retaking all my classes? I recognize this is possible because I always find more info on second, third and even forth reviews of subject material. The possibilities are infinite. 

Then I find myself in front of my house. It is early morning and still dark. I hear and then see my husband across the street. He has our dog, Monty, and is crossing the street to get a ball. Our neighbor is a bit down the road and out of sight walking her own dog. The ball is hers. I yell to my husband to be careful of cars and to not draw her dog out into the street.

This is when I realize I am up in a tree. It is a small tree with thin branches standing no more than eight feet high. I am observing the scene from the tree and realize the conversation about school is on-going as the scene unfolds. I tell my husband (or someone who feels to be with me), “I’ve decided to quit school. There is no point in redoing all the coursework when I’ve already graduated. I can just stop attending, so I’m done.” When I say this I feel freed of the conditions I’ve found myself in. I realize it is my choice and no one can force me to go to school. I briefly imagine the scene at the beginning of the dream where the children are in line. I imagine myself saying to the kids, “You don’t have to stand in line. Come with me this way!” and then inviting them to follow me off to explore and be free. 

I climb down the tree as I say this and watch as a car drives down the road toward my husband. It’s headlights are off so it is nearly impossible to see the car. I yell a warning and see another car coming from the opposite direction. Again, it’s headlights are off. I walk toward the edge of our yard. My neighbor is walking to her house with her dog. I say, “Why don’t they have their headlights on? It is still dark.” She says something like, “Yeah, I know!”

My lucidity peaks at this point and I wake up.

Considerations

Upon waking I was feeling very disappointed and depressed. The realizations I wrote at the beginning of this post came to me. It feels like it is all over – like my work is done. I don’t see the point of continuing in this life and body as I cannot see or even feel what path I would take. 

As I was thinking this, I felt a pull toward my guidance and felt all at once to be receiving large quantities of information but there were no words. Whatever I was told, though, caused me to calm down and surrender. I felt relieved, but I don’t know why. Then I heard the word “timing” and “patience”. I responded that I am tired of waiting. It seems like that is all I ever do.

Interpretation

When I’ve dreamed of quitting school in the past, I always thought it meant that I am asking to leave this life and return Home. Since I’ve had this dream so many times in the past, I Googled the symbolism again in case I am missing something. The dream meaning of quitting school is this:

If you dream of leaving school, then this indicates there is going to be an improvement in your living conditions or home life going forward. Our attitude to our work ethic and life in general is formed whilst at school, which, in most cases sets out rules and various moral values which help us move forward in life.

I didn’t actually leave school in my dream, so it is an indicator that I am approaching a crossroads situation. My guidance told me I am being “calibrated”. I’ve been told this in the past. It means I am being prepared for something to come. The suggestion about learning through repeating school is that there is always something new to learn.

The part of the dream where I am watching the children in line feels to me to represent my time “on the roof”. In HD this is the period in which the 6th line observes. What I see is that society is stuck in the old ways. The souls arriving now will not conform to the old “rules” and expectations. I see that change is a requirement. The fact that I imagine “freeing” the children and allowing them to explore and uniquely express themselves is a positive sign. I have recognize what is needed and am willing to assist. As a 6th line, the whole end result is to step into being a Role Model. Perhaps my role has to do with children – or at least the younger generations who are going through their own awakenings at this time? 

The focus on the rose on my chest is interesting. My first thought is this is asking me to listen to my HS (G center), which in HD is my authority.

The rose is a symbol of the entirety, the higher spiritual world order. When you dream about a rose this usually represents love in some fashion but it can also represent fertility, admiration, rebirth and fidelity. The color of the rose also has a special meaning in your dreams. Red roses are most often for love and romance…..pink roses indicate unexpected help.

The rose on my shirt is mostly pink with yellow and orange. A rose in full bloom symbolizes rebirth.

Climbing or being in a tree indicates that I have reached a period in my life where I am experiencing the “height” of my career or success. It does coincide with my family’s affluence at this time so that makes sense to me.

The headlights being off on the cars as I watch from a distance are yet another indicator that I am able to perceive what others cannot or will not. The symbolism of no headlights is that an objective view will be reached but it will come with limitations (can’t see far ahead). In the dream there is just enough light to see the cars and surroundings but the low light prohibits clarity. 

Tired

I’ve been more tired than usual. I sleep deeply and struggle to wake up. Opening my eyes is a chore. It feels like a heavy weight is pulling them closed. Once I get up, though, I am fine until the evening. Then, the heavy feeling returns and I often end up in bed before 10pm because I just can’t keep my eyes open. 

I’ve been taking it easy when it comes to exercise. I am usually very active with at least 2+ hours of physical activity of some kind five days a week. With my recent illness (cold/allergies) and fatigue, I decided to take some time off. Today, however, I felt like exercising so I went for a mile run followed by a bodyweight circuit. Ugh! Well, my body said “Hell no”. lol I still completed everything but not without needing more rest than usual. 

Sometimes listening to my body is a loss for me. I am use to powering through tiredness and lack of motivation and coming out feeling wonderful in the end (endorphins). But lately I just want to take it easy, go for walks or do yoga. It likely goes along with the “calibration” my guides mentioned. There is definitely something going on. I can feel it, especially at night and when I wake in the mornings. So I am going to do my best to listen.

Something that crossed my mind this morning was that I should probably shift back toward eating less meat and more veggies – so vegetarian/pescatarian. When I wonder why this is, it feels like meat contributes to a sluggishness in my energy. It does take longer to digest meat and the energy signature of most meats has never agreed with me. Whether I will do this long-term or not is yet to be decided. I think I will just start with trying to eat less meat and go from there. I think combining this change in diet with less strenuous exercise may be just what I need.

What is Spiritual Calibration?

I finished writing this post and then a thought came to me: What if readers aren’t sure what I mean when I say “calibration”? I thought, “Sure they know. It means I am being prepared to take in more Light.” But the feeling I got back was, “Are you sure?” So, since I’m not sure, I will provide a reference for you since I cannot post any part of it here (copyright reasons) – Spiritual Calibration. Go to paragraph 13 if you want to get straight to the info.

Basically, the channeled information says that spiritual calibration is a preparation of our Earth energy body to accept energy from “higher” sources. Higher in this instance really means of a “higher vibration”, not necessarily indicating direction.

So what exactly is happening to us/our energy bodies/physical bodies during calibration/re-calibration? The specifics are not given to me but I know very well how it feels to experience it. All of the above physical symptoms are usual for me. What I understand is happening is that my energy body is getting an upgrade. A new version of my energy body is being brought online. This version will be better able to receive and process the incoming energy so that I won’t suffer any physical or mental side-effects. The fact that I am experiencing the deep sleep, fatigue and slowing down in itself indicates my system is “offline” right now. It won’t be this way for long, just long enough to complete the calibration process.

About 90% if those who previously received upgrades are getting another one right now. So if you’re feeling like me, just listen to your body, take it easy and enjoy some rest. If you don’t, you could end with worse symptoms. Panic attacks are my “you’re doing too much” sign. <— NOT fun!

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Update and Dream: Would You Have Dinner with Me?

For the past two nights I’ve slept really, really good. My dreams are numerous and vivid and when I wake I find it difficult to keep my eyes open. I LOVE it! I only had a few days of lighter sleep before the deeper sleep returned. It just so happens it coincided perfectly with geomagnetic activity. When the chart was in the green, I slept lighter and woke earlier. When it was in the red, even just a little, I would fall into a wonderful, deep, restful sleep. My children and husband have reported similar sleep patterns. My husband said he sleeps a lot but never feels fully rested. He reports feeling more stressed, tired and hungry.

Despite all the dream activity, I’ve not been too interested in writing about my dreams. I do still write down the occasional dream but have really no interest in them lately. I will be including one in this post because it feels linked to a previous dream, though.

Before I post my dream, I wanted to share a communication I received this morning about the current energies.

What’s going on right now: re-calibration of new energetic blueprints; upgrades to those already established (awakened) on Earth (90% affected); awakening “codes” transmitted to those previously not awakened which may or may not be consciously received. The total “image” is pixelated (mentally confuses) so any attempt to make sense of it will not have the desired results. 

What I see (visual field): bluish wave of light entering Earth’s atmosphere which looks like it is coming in from the northwest. As the energy descends I see what resembles “fingers” or tendrils of energy reaching down. 

Instructions on processing the received energy: Let it happen, allow without analyzing, be the Observer, walk in the Light/be the Light. Dreams will provide insight but resist the urge to analyze. Stay out of the mind.

Dream: Would You Have Dinner With Me?

[Shift from previous dream] I am walking inside a mall. I can see shops left and right but I don’t recognize the place and wonder how I got there and why I am there. To my left I see a small restaurant. A man is standing, back to me, talking to the owner. I recognize the man as my friend and think, “He must have stopped in to check on his old business.” It felt like he sold his business long ago but that he sometimes came by to chat with the new owner and see how things were going. I think it coincidental that he and I happen to be in the same place at the same time and decide not to let the opportunity to say “hi” pass by.

As I walk up behind the man, I noticed the restaurant is undergoing renovations and the owner is not the one who bought the place originally. I think, “It must have been sold again.” When I reach the man I say, “Hi”. I can’t recall my exact words now, but it was something like, “Fancy seeing you here.” The man turned and looked at me, his face morphing as he moved. He shifted into someone who resembled my friend only. His face was very similar but his body went from thin to obese and his expression was sad, like he was grieving.

The man looked at me questioningly and with surprise. I knew he did not know who I was. I think I had already said, “I use to love eating here” and then mumbled uncomfortably about something as I turned and walked away.

I walked a few yards and stepped down into a circular (cycles of life, infinity) pit that was about six to eight feet in diameter and a foot deep. I knelt down and began to dig (seeking something, “digging” deep within) with a spade into the black, fertile dirt. It felt like I had created this pit but I have no idea why. Perhaps it was a garden? A garden in the middle of a mall, though? lol As I dug, I was feeling foolish and a bit confused about what had just happened. It had felt like I must have been there to meet my friend, so why was it someone else?

As I dug, deep in thought, out of the corner of my eye I saw the man walk past me toward a nearby bench. He stopped and watched me for a bit. I glanced up at him, feeling a bit nervous and uncomfortable. I stopped digging and said, “It use to be a great place to eat.” He nodded his head in agreement. I noticed again how similar he looked to my friend but the shape of his body and smoothness of his face were dissimilar. He seemed younger. Again, I felt that he was quite sad and I sympathized with him because I, too, was sad. I remember feeling that we were the same.

The man then asked me a question. He asked, “Would you have dinner with me?” Taken by surprise, his question propelled me into sudden lucidity. My mind took some time to catch up with my dream experience, which is probably a good thing. In the moments after his question, I remember thinking a response back to him, “Yes, I would like that.” 

Considerations

In a swirl of energy I felt pulled back to body awareness. It was like I was suctioned out of the dream. My mind was confused initially because of my immediate, positive response to the man. I was thinking, “That is not like me. He is not my type.” Yet I knew that the reason I said yes was because I recognized myself in him and nothing about him felt to be threatening. Here was someone like me, who was sad and alone. Here was someone that maybe I could help and who could help me. 

Still, though, I was confused. Who was this man? Was he my friend or someone else? Was his appearance shifting like that meant to show me a part of my friend who I had not yet acknowledged? 

The heaviness of sleep kept lulling me back into the in-between and I lost some time because of this. I have no idea where I went but when I returned I had some thoughts that I feel I should note here.

Yesterday, out of the blue, I had an answer to a question I had not gotten to ask in a recent dream. I meant to ask the man in my dream, “So what is the problem?” The question came to me when I said to myself, “The problem is I don’t want what I have.” Ha!

When this revelation was recalled I did think about it a bit. I was reminded not to judge myself for feeling how I feel. I was reminded that it is OK to not want what one has. It doesn’t mean I need to try and force myself to want what I have, which is what I would normally try to do (it doesn’t work). There is nothing wrong with feeling how I feel. Still, I struggle to know exactly what it is that I want! Ugh!!! (the frustration is very real!)

Yet I still consider that wanting of anything is what keeps me from having it (one of the rules of the Universe). I keep telling the Universe, “I want [fill in the blank]”. Instead, I need to tell the Universe, “I have [fill in the blank with what I want].” Yet, for me, the blank remains blank because I can’t articulate what I want. I can only feel it. 

And so that is what I did and I became lost in the feeling of what it is I want for some time. My heart sparked only slightly, so I know that I hit upon something, even if it was momentary. 

Then there were the lyrics from songs going through my head. Two different ones. The first was, “All along, baby, I should’ve been number one.” And the other was the same from yesterday – “And I want you to [Remember] me. Come closer, come closer.” 

It is not lost to me that the question the man in this dream asked me has been asked of me before. In this Kundalini dream I was asked/told, “Have dinner with me”. In that dream my response was that we should just have sex and get it over with. lol So my response was quite different this time around. My immediate feeling is that my sense of the person asking the question is why my response is so different. The dream from January indicates that I am not interested in a man whose sole interest in me is sexual. The dream from last night indicates I am much more interested in someone who is vulnerable and seeking companionship. The second man also feels “safe” to me. I feel drawn to him out of love and compassion, not lust/passion. I think the two tell volumes about who I am and what motivates me when it comes to relationships with others.

Updates

I want to take some time to update on some things in my life.

My idea to build a cabin or lodge on my mom’s retreat land has been put on hold. A week after my mother told me she would love for me to build on the land and help with the retreat, she FB messages me that she and her husband decided it wasn’t a good idea. They want to turn the main house, the house they live in, into the lodge. I was a bit disappointed at first but not upset by the information. I knew immediately what had happened. My mom’s brother, who knows about the idea, likely told her he didn’t like the idea because it meant someone living within view of his own home. My step-father would be against it for two reasons. First, when my sister and her family lived with them, it threw him back into drinking and almost destroyed his marriage to my mom. Second, both my step-father and my mom worry my living there even part-time will lead to divorce. Neither of them believe in divorce. Despite divorce not being the plan, I understand their reasoning and do not fault them for it. I am okay either way.

It actually surprised me that I reacted the way I did – with relative calm. When I inspected this, I realized it is because I am okay with leaving that family land behind. I feel “done” with it. And a part of me really wishes there was no land because of the trouble it will bring in the future, when my mom passes away. She has me as executor and I do NOT look forward to the mess that will ensue because my sisters, both struggling financially, will be fighting over the scraps. Sigh.

In other news, after being sick and rundown for over a week, I asked my husband to take over most of my duties for a full week so that I could get the rest I needed. It was wonderful to have someone else cook dinner and clean up the kitchen every night! The kids griped about it because they are use to me and my cooking, but they got over it. We have worked it out that he will cook dinner three times a week and I have promised to leave the house cleaning alone so that he has a chance to contribute. It is very hard for me to leave dirty dishes in the sink, but I am trying!

Today I have been counting my blessings and intend to continue to do so as often as I can. The number one blessing on my mind is our financial situation. We just got our quarterly distribution and it was well over what is the norm. The business is booming and we find ourselves in a state of affluence.

We just recently had an accountant do our 2020 taxes and our tax bill was ridiculous! We are most definitely paying our share in taxes and to anyone who says business owners should pay more in taxes, you obviously haven’t ever owned a business! As it is, we have to pay the IRS our taxes in advance (quarterly) now in order to avoid a penalty. And even in doing that, it doesn’t guarantee we won’t have to pay more when we file our taxes.

Despite being in affluence for a year already, I am still in a state of disbelief. It feels like we won the lottery, except we are winning it every quarter. And the real shocker is that my husband only owns 20% of the company at this time. Eventually, he (we) will own half. So what we are making now is less than half of what we will eventually be making (insert shocked emoji).

I am still considering leaving my position with the company because, as it stands, twice my entire yearly pay is going back to the IRS in taxes. Sure, I get my pay monthly like everyone else, but my income just adds to our ever increasing tax bill. I don’t really even like my job. It is just a job and honestly, anyone with any financial sense at all could do it. The thing that keeps me from leaving is that I would technically be withdrawing from my own business and letting down “the team”. My husband and his brother are also wanting me to become the Chief Financial Officer when they buyout the third shareholder who currently holds that position. I don’t know if I want to be that person; however, I don’t know if I like the idea of it being in a non-family members hands. It would help if I knew what I would do if I wasn’t working there – but I have no clue. Funny thing is, ten years ago I would have had plenty of ideas but we just couldn’t afford for me to not work. It is ironic that now that I have the perfect set of conditions, I feel completely blank and unmotivated toward those things I once prayed I could have the freedom to do!

My husband and I now have financial planning meetings to determine what to do with the distribution we receive. As a result, we split the remaining money (after taxes, savings, bills, etc) between us to do with as we please. He always has a long list of what he wants to buy but I rarely, if ever, have anything on my own list. My money ends up in savings because, well, I don’t know what else to do with it. Maybe, after some time has passed and the shock/disbelief wear off, I will have a list, but I doubt it. The things I want are intangible and can’t be bought.

The irony of my life is not lost upon me. I spent all my life up until now wishing to have lots of money so I didn’t have to work and didn’t have to worry about survival. Here I am with everything I asked for and I don’t know what to do with myself.

What would you do?