Author Archives

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Difficulties

I know I’ve been more quiet than usual. Lots of upheaval going on, mostly within me but some without. Thus far I would say that 2019 is very similar to 2017, which was one of my worst years in this life to date. I don’t know how the rest of 2019 will pan out but I hope it gets better because I am really struggling.

After returning from Hawaii it took me a while to feel normal again. I struggled with depression and was an emotional roller coaster. Around the 17th of March things started to get a little better. My body was back to Texas time and I was waking, sleeping and eating on a normal schedule. This helped with my emotion somewhat but not completely. I was still experiencing down periods in the evening.

Two nights ago as I was settling down to sleep I heard my guidance say to me, “Welcome back.” I’m not sure exactly what they meant but I have felt not quite right for some time now, so it could be that they were acknowledging that I was balancing out. Then during sleep that night I experienced two awakenings which were odd in that I felt an uneasy sense of being sucked back into my body quite suddenly. Energetically I have felt it before and so it was not completely unfamiliar, but like the times before it was confusing and disorienting. It almost feels as if someone or something forces me back into my body or even like my energy replaced another energy, if that even makes sense.

Dream Mix

This morning I had a lucid dream which was nice since my dreams have been weird and hard to recall for some time now. I slept in almost until 9am, which is also unusual but was much needed I think.

The dream began with me aware of being curled up in blankets (protection). Some root chakra work was being done on me and I recall talking to my physical counterpart. An entire dream scene materialized out of our conversation. I saw him waking from a long sleep after being given leaves from a bush that had vines and berries on it. I remember he took a shower (cleansing and renewal) and I was with him, but beyond that my memory is a blur.

Then I became more lucid and immediately became aware of being in the passenger side of the car still curled up in blankets trying to sleep. The car lurched and I noticed my daughter was driving. I got up and asked her, “What are you doing? Why are we going this way?” We were heading down a three lane, divided highway toward an intersection (change, choice). I took over driving and slowed us down as we approached the intersection. There was a single, green light (message to “go ahead”) and a one way sign (only one option). A cop (protection) in an SUV flew through the intersection and stopped to monitor traffic. I turned left (use logic to make decision) into the one way traffic flow and then made u-turn. I was worried u-turns were not allowed so watched for the cop to follow. He never did.

I continued driving in the far right lane (intuition). I saw some shops set up along the road and knew I needed to move to the left. Before I could, though, I hit a wagon for one of the shops and pieces flew in all direction. One piece, a Lego (security, family, happiness), fell into my lap. I stopped and found myself with a group of kids at a field trip. My middle son was there playing with some kittens (female sexuality). He cradled one as he jumped onto a small, kid-sized train. I remember the teacher mentioning that one of the kittens had been killed by a Legos from the wagon I hit. I felt bad.

Then I was in an RV (responsibility, transition) with my mom. She was camped along a road in the middle of nowhere. She was wondering where everyone else was and I questioned her about whether or not she was in the right place. I saw a large sign on the ground, like for skydiving (leap of faith needed).  I said, “It looks like people skydive here.” She said it was for a local bike shop. I saw bikes (skill and balance needed) everywhere, then, coming out of the hillside, welded together like a sculpture. It was bizarre!

Someone came by and told us to move further down the road. I could hear the other people in RVs and so urged my mom to move. We parked further down the road and my mom got out saying she had to transplant her garden (union of Divine and physical, balance). She began to do so and I watched as she seemed to plant sticks. I asked her what they were but I can’t recall now what she said they were. She said the soil was heavy because of iron (something weighing me down) deposits. I kicked some a bit and it was very thick and heavy.

Considerations

I woke up feeling very good. I’m not sure why I felt good because the dream was so odd overall, but to have any energetic sensations after such a long time without was a nice treat.

The dream with my counterpart was curious. This is the second night in a row I have recall him being in my dreams but could not remember specifics. He sent a message the night before last asking me not to give up on love.

Still, though, I do not feel completely mentally stable. I have been feeling very unsafe, which is really not logical yet remains as a background feeling and is probably the source of the panic/anxiety. Most of this feeling stems from my relationship with my husband. I wonder sometimes who he is. His behavior can be erratic and unpredictable and in Hawaii there was an incident the night before we left that was concerning. We slept in the same bed at our hotel, which we haven’t done in almost 5 years now, and it was fine until that night. I couldn’t escape his energy by going to another room and his energy felt very angry which made it hard for me to sleep. I maybe got 3 hours of sleep that night.

There is an understanding that this is karma playing out somehow and I have been getting the message to stand my ground and stay strong. There are times, though, that I feel near mental collapse. Something is definitely going on within me at many levels. I can’t figure it out and so I don’t even try. I just try to shut it all down and numb myself as best I can. It isn’t working very well, though.

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Dream: Llama Quilt

I’m still overcoming jet lag. It is mostly manifesting as sleeping more and struggling in the mornings. Daylight savings has added to the problem.

Yesterday I was emotional for much of the day. Some things happened on the Hawaii trip which left me feeling a bit hollow inside. The panic episodes I endured along with the extreme exhaustion have taken a toll on me. It was hard for me to enjoy the vacation because always at the back of my mind was worry that I would be hit with terror or extreme exhaustion or both. Then there was the added strain of my unstable relationship and several incidents pertaining to that instability. Since arriving home I haven’t had any panic but the worry of it returning remains. So the emotion now, I think, is a release of all that I endured in the past week plus uncertainty about my future.

Prior to leaving for Hawaii I sensed that my time there would be important. How it was important is still unclear, though. Yesterday, there were several indicators that I was not alone. My guides surrounded me. I could sense them. And there were many messages indicating assistance would be coming. Throughout all this I was feeling very much like I was in a life that was not my own. Disconnected in a way, but not completely.

Dream: Llama’s Quilt

The dream began with me entering into a small doctor’s office for a check-up. I informed the short, male doctor that I took a pregnancy test and it showed positive but that I had also just started my period. The doctor, who had dark hair and wore spectacles, asked me to lay down on the examining table. He placed something resembling a magnifying glass into my vagina, handle side in, and then I sat in clear shallow water. Blood showed up in the water and he mentioned he could see it. I looked down and saw the circular end of the magnifying glass but it looked more like a teardrop and there was no glass insert. I began to suddenly feel very embarrassed but he acted like it was normal so I relaxed.

He then asked me to lay down. The water suddenly vanished and I was on the examining table again. He asked me to insert a tampon, which I did, and then he went under the table and examined me from underneath, asking me to move the tampon this way and that as he inspected me closely. The table was clear so he could see through it.

I remember thinking to myself, “Why did I get a male doctor when I knew I would be examined? I never do that.” I always go to female doctors.

He indicated that all was well and left the room.

A nurse entered the room and helped me to dress. This part of the dream is odd because as I laced my shoes the examining room vanished and I was standing next to a field of llamas. There were so many that they stood touching each other. The llamas each had a large flower on it. The flowers were of all colors. The llamas danced across the field in unison as I weaved pieces of what I was seeing into a huge patchwork quilt.

The entire time I was talking about the commute home with the nurse. She indicated that everyone was leaving and the examining room was very close to the exit which was good because we would be able to leave before the crowd. I worried about the commute being long. For some reason I thought I was in Temple. I said, “It takes me 45 minutes to get home but with traffic much longer. I think I will stay and have dinner and then leave after to beat the traffic. OR maybe I will take 2484 (another route). Do you know of that road?” The nurse indicated she didn’t and seemed in a hurry to leave. I knew she was waiting on me so I threaded the fabric through faster and faster. I could see the large quilt in front of me spanning the entire pasture. It seemed to be for my bed and I seemed to be in that bed.

As I looped the last bits of the llama fabric into the quilt I came to two large pillows. They felt heavy so I opened them up and inside I found all sorts of things – money, candy, magnets, and other oddities meant for children. I showed the nurse and said they would be perfect for my kids. I dumped out the contents of one pillowcase and inspected the contents. There were dozens of tiny round magnets about the size of a pea. Each magnet was in a connected pair. I worried my children would mistake them for candy. I replaced the contents and left the room.

Interpretation

The above dream is typical of the types of dreams I’ve been having lately. I often don’t even recall the details because they are so odd.

Llama’s are an unusual symbol and what stand out to me most in this dream.

The llama brings trust, faith, and hard work to your dreams. She reminds you have the ability to endure tough challenges. You do not have to worry so much, for worrying makes positive outcomes harder. You may feel burdened, but have faith in your strength and persevere to overcome all challenges. Source: dreamstop.com

Since the llamas were dancing and had blooming flowers on them, it suggests a message that I am loved and supported and need to release negative emotion.

Dreams of a quilt represent the random aspects of my personality and life experiences weaving together. I am sewing together fragmented pieces of my past experiences and future visions into a context that provides warmth for me at a soul level.

The first part of the dream indicates I am seeking healing. My particular concern is pregnancy (something new is being created) but have also started my period (release of tension and worry). The water indicates cleansing and release. The blood represents anxiety which is then confirmed when I become embarrassed and anxious about the doctor being male.

I’ve had other pregnancy dreams lately, some indicating I have a child with special needs and others of my bulging tummy. I don’t know what to make of them for the most part. I guess I am trying to create something new or mulling over new ideas.

As for the other symbols – magnets, money, candy, magnifying glass, the road to Temple, etc. – they just support the rest of the dream and I am not feeling the need to inspect them any closer. I’m just too tired to bother right now.

 

 

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Oahu, Hawaii Trip

It’s been three days since we returned from Hawaii. The jet lag has been the worst! I am still recovering but at least today I don’t feel half-asleep and zoned out.

Day 1

We spent all day on a plane. The first flight was delayed. When we got to San Francisco we had to sprint to our next flight which was then…delayed. lol We arrived in Oahu around 11:30pm local time. We arrived at the hotel around 12:30am. I don’t know when I got to sleep but I didn’t get much sleep – maybe 3 hours.

Day 2

My husband woke early and brought me breakfast in the room, which was really nice because I was beat. We immediately went to explore Oahu in the rental car and headed to Halona Blowhole and Makapuu Lighthouse. The blowhole was spectacular as was the lighthouse. Sadly, the hike up to the lighthouse was rough on me. I got light headed and dizzy and had a near panic attack halfway up. I almost didn’t keep on but after a bit of rest I recovered and continued. I was happy I did because we got to see an amazing rainbow and the lookout at the top was even better.

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We continued to drive for a bit to check out what the local scene had to offer. We stopped at a local restaurant and had Hawaii food and then traveled to Diamond Head State Monument. Sadly it was crowded and I was feeling off again so we went back to the hotel to rest. I honestly don’t remember much after that. I think I fell asleep the minute I got into bed.

Day 3

The day began with a sales meeting and then lunch at a local diner. After we got back to the hotel I was still exhausted so lay in bed while my husband went swimming in the ocean. When he returned we had lunch and headed to Manoa Falls, a 150 foot waterfall. It was spectacular! Thankfully I did not suffer any panic attacks or weird exhaustion along the hike.

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That evening I was feeling good enough to go out, so we walked along Waikiki beach and had dinner in a nice restaurant. I ordered a drink while waiting for my meal and the alcohol was too much for me. I nearly passed out and had a panic attack waiting for my food. It was the worst! I was unable to keep my eyes open and felt completely wiped out. Being in public brought on the panic. When we got back to the hotel I settled and again fell asleep almost immediately.

Day 4

I started the morning with a deep tissue massage and facial. It was awesome and just what I needed. Afterward we headed to Diamond Head State Monument which is on top of a massive crater. The hike was long and steep and I had to take frequent breaks. Again, I began to feel panicky and almost turned around but I kept going. Again I was rewarded with spectacular views.

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When we got back to the hotel we went out to a very fancy restaurant. I ordered a glass of wine (cautiously) and was not ill affected. When we got back to the room I was not exhausted and actually struggled to fall asleep. Considering our flight was early and we had to wake at 4:00am, this lack of sleep was unwanted.

Day 5

This was another full day of travel. I did better than the flight in, stayed hydrated and made sure to move around more while in the plane. My back ached by the time we landed in Texas but I felt ten times better than when we landed in Oahu.

Travel across four times zones does not agree with me anymore. When I was in my 20s I did tons of traveling and never experienced jet lag like this! The side effects of travel this time make me never want to fly such distances again. Never in my life have I been so tired as to nearly pass out while on my feet. This induced panic, of course, because it was so unfamiliar and I was around large crowds of people. I probably should have gone to the beach instead of hiking steep trails!

My favorite part of this trip were the magnificent Banyan trees.

 

 

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Dream Message and OBE: I Need Somebody

Today I leave for Hawaii. It also happens to be my co-worker’s funeral. Unfortunately, our flight plans overlap the funeral so we won’t be able to attend.

My husband has been home since Wednesday. As a result I have experienced much relief of stress. It is wonderful!

There has been some odd happenings, though. For example, I heard “On the Road Again” five times in one evening. Three times on the way to visit my mom (a 40 minute drive) and two times on the drive home. What is even more odd is that when we arrived the song just began to play and when we turned on the car to leave – three hours later – the song was just ending! How crazy is that?

Two nights ago I had a dream in which a woman was showing me how to “see”. It was energetic mostly and I woke up wondering about it. The energy shifted up into my third-eye and then I experienced a force behind my eyes that I have felt before. It was as if my eyes were someone else’s.

Then last night I felt a female presence put her hand on my left shoulder. I felt others in Spirit with her and there was a message, “We will help you.”

Dream: Message About Panic

The beginning is fuzzy but I remember being in a kitchen, opening a fridge and pulling out a large melon. I asked my MIL,”Do you want some cantaloupe?” and she said, “What kind?” I told her it was a different kind and showed her. It looked more like a gourde than a cantaloupe and when I cut it open it was full of seeds. I placed it in front of a cat that was sitting at the table like a child. The cat was very sad and I wanted to help so I offered it some of the cut open fruit. I said to it, “Is it too hot? Here, have some of the meat.” I placed some of the meat on the plate. It looked like ground beef. The cat shifted into what looked like a little boy.

I was then heading to a household with the cat/boy. Inside I encountered a husband and wife. The husband was very angry and told me I was not wanted there. It felt like we had a history. There was a small boy on the floor playing with Legos. He looked sad and told me that things weren’t the same with his friend gone. He said he use to play all day with his friend. I remember explaining to his parents the situation and tried to describe the boy’s sadness. I said, “What if someone – what if you were to get a divorce after being married 20 years. How would it make you feel?” The man got very angry at me, saying, “How dare you….!” I then switched it and said, “Okay, what if I got a divorce. How do you think it would make me feel?” He was still very angry, face red and seemed like he might hurt me physically. Yet I still approached him and put my hand on his heart. I asked again, “How do you feel?”

He didn’t answer but I saw words in his heart. They were all kinds of emotion in statements – I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel loved… and on and on. He seemed not to know how to answer. I remember telling him, “Panic is how grace and love enter the body. Look there.”

After hearing myself say this, I turned to the wife who was standing behind me. I asked her, “How do you feel?” She opened her arms and I placed my head on her heart (she was very tall). She said to me, “My life is a mess.” By the time she said this I was already sobbing, tears pouring down my cheeks and my nose stopping up. The woman just stood there and let me cry.

The emotion and what had just transpired brought me to full lucidity and I woke up.

When I woke I could not forgot what I had told the man and knew it was me giving myself a message. “Panic is how grace and love enter the body. Look there.” Wow. I got up and wrote it down intent on not forgetting it.

OBE: I Need Somebody

It took me a while to go back to sleep and I had the thought that I might project, but did not set an intention to.

The last thing I remember thinking about was preparing for my trip to Hawaii today and charging my new wireless earbuds for the long flight.

The next thing I know I am aware of being in my room talking to someone but I can’t recall the conversation. The room was dark and there was music playing – a song I recognized. It was very loud, complete with all the music and vocals. The lyrics were, “All I need is a miracle. All I need is you…” When I heard it I said aloud, “All I need is me.” I felt proud of myself for saying/knowing this. I saw myself in my mind as being Whole in Self. It appeared as a shadow part of me merging with a more solid me.

I was then certain I could shift OOB. The energy didn’t feel quite right but I did not hesitate and with ease I found myself hovering beside my bed facing the large window beside it.

My energy was shifty and I knew I needed to move away from my body but I was so pleased with myself that I lingered a while and looked around. The room was dark but light was coming in through the window. The window was cracked open at the bottom and the top was covered in ivy and small flowers that looked to be woven into it. I remember thinking I should say, “Clarity now!” to improve my energy but I thought, “I don’t need that” and so never said it.

Then a very large dragonfly flew in front of me. It turned and looked directly at me. It’s eyes were glassy and reflective, its body metallic silver. It was HUGE, like the size of a small house cat! In awe I smiled in delight and thanked it for visiting me. It hovered in front of me for a while inviting me to follow it out the window. I remember staring at it a while, taking in my “gift” and then accepting its invitation. It flew out the tiny crack in the window and I followed, seeming to shrink in size as I flew through.

The first thing I noticed is that outside my window was a large blanket laying on top of the branches of a tree that was just below. In reality there is no tree. Then I saw another blanket further down. I remember saying, “Looks like my kids tried to escape by climbing out the window.” I paused and said with pride, “But I’m flying out!”

Then I encountered an ivy wall that seemed impenetrable. It had white flowers in it, just like the ivy in the bedroom. I remember thinking, “I could go through” but then deciding to go over it. I flew up and over and the wall vanished.

The street outside my house was lit up and the neighbor’s house had two helicopters hovering over the driveway and parked car. There were flashing red lights on the helicopters indicating police or emergency vehicles.

I hovered there a while thinking of what to do next. I had not planned on going OOB and really had no clue what I wanted to do. I figured I would explore and so headed toward the road. I flew down as if to land on my feet but stopped short and hovered there.

When I looked at my neighbor’s house again the helicopters resembled the dragonfly in size and I seemed to have shifted size as well, growing back to my full height. I realized I had shrunk to go through the window and so my perception shifted to that of my size and the helicopters looked large as life. Now, they seemed like mere toys!

Again I did not know what to do with myself and hesitated before lifting off to explore. Sadly, I shifted slowly back into my body.

I lingered for a while in the in-between and mulled over my experience. The song I heard originally shifted to, “I need somebody, somebody like you.” I remembered the previous song and so the lyrics kept going through my head in unison – “I need somebody…all I need is a miracle, all I need is you….”

Then I was standing next to my physical counterpart. The number 56 came to mind right before I saw him and I realized I was talking to his future self. We hugged and I asked him, “How are you doing?” He said, “Not good. I’m so lonely.” I told him, “You know I’m here. All you have to do is ask.” He nodded.

He was wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up. I took down the hood and said, “You don’t need to hide from me.” I fully recognized the sweatshirt as him feeling he needed to protect himself and shield his vulnerability.

After this I had a very life-like experience of opening my front door after hearing knocking. On the other side was a large, white cat purring and rubbing up against the house. This sight of this woke me up fully and I could not go back to sleep.

Considerations

The first dream seems to be about my masculine and feminine sides represented by the cat (feminine) and boy as well as the husband and wife. The message is still prominent in my memory and seems to be an answer to my questions about the panic episodes I’ve been having. My best guess to it’s meaning is that the panic is a result of not accepting God’s (Source) grace and love into my heart. The wife’s reply about her life being a mess seemed to be my own consideration about my life coming through.

The OBE was a nice gift, especially after the tears from the dream before it. The dragonfly symbol/message was especially memorable. The dragonfly seems to go along with the music message – It’s where the water flows. It’s where the wind blows.

The OBE also seems to bring a message about perspective. We tend to blow things out of proportion when in reality they are not very big at all.

All in all I feel positive about both experiences. Plus, it is nice to have these after such a long break. Right now I have a similar feeling as to when I went to Tennessee in 2016. Not sure why, but I feel a heart expansion is taking place and hopefully it will be less traumatic than last time!

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Dream: Failed Test, Re-Test Required

Feeling much better this morning. My husband will be home this week, offering me a welcome reprieve from single-parenting. I believe much of my panic and anxiety stems from the added pressure/stress of having to do everything on my own while he is gone. Much of the time when panic arises I am thinking, “I am all alone….” and worrying about my children and who would take care of them if I were to be injured or killed. That’s only one concern, of course, but to rid myself of it would be nice.

My dreams seem to indicate my resistance is lessening as well.

Dream: Failed Test, Re-Test Required

The dream began in a high school cafeteria (spiritual nourishment). I was sitting alongside my classmates as someone passed back our practice exams (major life lesson). The person next to me got theirs. I was looking at theirs as I received mine. There were red marks all over it, which I knew wasn’t a good sign.

When I looked down at my exam I saw an entire sheet was filled out in red ink. My score was written at the top:

70%
-9.5pts for failure to fill out info sheet
Final grade: 62%

The sheet filled out with red was the info sheet (important information being relayed) filled in for me. I turned to the people around me and told them how unfair I thought it was. I slowly became more and more angry. It was completely ridiculous to me that I would pass only to fail for not filling out an info sheet I had never received. I told the people around me I was not going to re-take the test, that it was unfair and was just a practice test anyway.

Eventually I got up and talked to the lady “proctor”. She reminded me of someone who worked at my high school. I showed her my exam and asked her to explain. She told me that I should have filled out the info sheet, that everyone got one and the instructions were clear. She pointed to the instructions and my signature below saying I had read them. I yelled, “Yes, I see! I have signed this for every exam without reading it and had no issues. Why would I read it this time?”

She told me I would just have to re-take (re-do lesson) it. I told her I would not and began to accuse her of purposefully targeting me because I was smart. I showed her my last two test scores, both 90%. She shook her head and looked down as she repeated that I would have to re-test. Furious. I called her a f*** bi**ch well aware of everyone staring at me, and turned and walked away.

My anger woke me up. I was shocked at how angry I had gotten in the dream. After a few minutes I fell asleep and returned to the dream.

I was sitting next to a young man who I called Jose. He was waiting to get his test results and looked pensive. I told him my story, how unfair it was and to be ready for similar news.

Then a female classmate came and sat down. I knew the woman I had cussed out was her mother and I apologized to her for my behavior and told her my story, too. She seemed not bothered and we caught up for a bit.

Meanwhile, Jose got his test results – 73%. I congratulated him and he seemed relieved. He left and the woman and I left together.

We walked out to the parking lot (delay) talking and then she was ahead of me catching up with a long time friend and getting into a car (life path). I realized she forgot about me and I walked alone thinking of the past and how nice it was to have girl friends, even if superficial. There was a fence (barrier to progress) across the path and I went around it but soon realized I had parked in the other direction. I opted to walk the long way around to get to my car.

There is memory of walking through my old high school only it had been renovated. A woman and I talked about how they paid a $40k bonus for their new coach. I called it a waste of money. They had added a gym space in the front that could be washed with a hose after gym class. I walked through a class commenting on how I should have been a gym teacher because it was much more fun.

Then I am with my son walking along neighborhood streets and houses. A group was gathered around the new principal who was telling them something and mentioned directions being included on flyers. He had no example and I volunteered mine, showing him a part of a ripped sheet (I had ripped it in anger earlier). I remember thinking critical thoughts about him. At the end I thought he was “not so bad”.

We continued to walk and came upon a driveway (the body, or homebase). We had to maneuver around some fish tanks on the floor and my son knocked one over, spilling fish. We caught them and returned them to their tanks. The owner came out and helped us at the end. I remember commenting on one small fish and he told me they were put into tanks with other types of fish to encourage their bright colors.

Interpretation 

My sense about the dream is that it reflects a discussion about my present upsets. I am told that I failed an exam and have to re-test. It feels unfair because it is caused by missing information and my lack of attention to detail. There is also a lack of concern about my barely passing grade in the dream. I usually want to get at least an A. To be satisfied with a 70 is unusual. I feel unfairly targeted as well, as if someone is purposefully making me re-test. I realized now that it is me doing this because I expect much more from myself (an A instead of a C).

When I return to the dream I am apologetic and supportive of a classmate. I have no jealousy when he passes his exam. There is a literal walk down memory lane and I realize I miss having female friends and companionship. I also realize many of my past friends have long forgotten about me. I think I am missing aspects of myself and my past, longing for companionship even if it is not deep and meaningful.

The parking lot is delay and I walk the long way around to get to my car. The gym represents me facing myself and reviewing past actions. The fish are insights from my subconscious mind. The one fish in particular is small and brightly colored and the man indicates variety made him that way. I believe this is a message that a variety of life experience lends toward a more “colorful” result (more lessons and learning).

I seem to be slowly recovering from my anger throughout the dream until I feel lighter and more sane overall. Thus, when I woke I felt very different than I did after the first angry section of the dream.

Considerations

Since waking I have been feeling more open to other options and seeing blessings in my life where once I only saw problems and difficulty. There are resources I have at my disposal that I can use to further my progress.

The phrase, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” comes to mind here.

So, if I have to remain in my current situation, then I might as well make the most of it. We have money enough to take more trips and my job offers me the freedom to work from home or anywhere actually. One of the things I should do is get more “therapy”; sessions like I have done in the past. These propelled me further than anything and could potentially help me with many of my present upsets and areas I am struggling to overcome on my own. Investing in myself in this way would be beneficial overall and keep me busy, freeing me from routine and boredom.

I wish my dreams told me specifically what areas I “failed” but sadly the only part I remember is that the subject was math. Math is symbolic of logic and this can be connected to the masculine energy, solving problems, taking action, making decisions, analyzing outcomes, being less emotional and more decisive overall. My failure was in accepting less from myself, so cutting corners to barely get by, while also ignoring directions. How furious were you when your teacher handed back a paper indicating you failed just because you forgot to put your name on it? Ha! M guides are saying very clearly, “Pay attention. Listen. Follow directions.”

Interestingly, a little after I woke, part of a song was going through my head. Just this part – “It’s where the water flows. It’s where the wind blows.” How very odd.

 

 

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Dream: Paper Sheets

In the early morning hours of the 28th of February, my coworker with lung cancer that metastasized to her brain, passed away peacefully in her sleep. She was 70 years old.

I knew that she had passed when I woke that morning. No one needed to tell me. I had struggled to fall asleep as it was and didn’t finally sleep until around midnight. My boss had talked with me briefly on the the phone earlier that evening and told me she had been asleep for over 24 hours and the hospice nurse had informed her that it would be any time. So my boss went to be by her side and sent the nurse home. She sat with her until she passed and has since been making all the arrangements.

Her funeral is the morning of March 8th, the same day my husband and I leave for Hawaii. It will be difficult to catch our flight but we plan on attending, staying a short bit, and then catching our flight to San Fran and on to Honolulu.

Though I am sad to lose my friend and coworker, I am more jealous that she gets to move on and be free of the burden of life. I always feel that way when someone passes away. And I really don’t want to go to the funeral. Funerals are for the living, not the dead, and I feel no reason to be there in person nor do I want to view a vacant body in a casket.

Calm

The night before last I felt a lightening of the energy, like a small amount of weight lifted from me. With it I remember saying to myself, “Something good is coming.” Nothing yet has occurred but the entire day I felt calm and relaxed.

The commute to work was uneventful and easy – like it is suppose to be. No anxiety or panic. In fact, I had an instance where it was quite surreal. A song came on I had never heard before – Have You Ever by Brandy.

The lyrics made me think of my physical counterpart briefly and in a good way. I did not react with tears or grief but instead felt quite pleasant. And as the chorus was playing I pulled up behind a large semi-truck and noticed the license plate was from Tennessee. Laughing to myself, I recognized the synchronicity of it. Not long after, other songs played in succession, that seemed altogether to be a message and by the time I arrived at work I felt relief and even joy. I remember thinking that maybe, just maybe, I had made it through the panic and despair to the other side.

Unfortunately, my stomach started bothering me toward the end of the day and I left early (again) and went home. The rest of the evening went smoothly but I was bored and passed the time watching videos on FB and in a hurry to get to sleep. I have gone through periods in my life like this where I can’t wait to get to bed each night and wish the days would just hurry up and pass. Sleep is my vacation and I very much wish I could sleep away my life at times.

Dream: Paper Sheets

I met up with my best friend who appeared to be the one from high school but at times another from later in my life. She had recently moved into her own apartment and was feeling really down and out so I had come to visit and offer my support.

When I arrived at her apartment I was trying to remember what it looked like and memories from waking reality were going through my mind. Inside, I found my friend and we talked a while. She told me she left her husband and was working a job during the day as a waitress. I remember mentioning half of my time was volunteer work and that I need to ask for money in return. I saw myself as a part-time tutor and briefly it seemed like my best friend was me.

My friend made just enough money to get by. I recognized that she was making her situation out to be worse than it was. She was doing just fine. She was sad and a bit down but I pointed out that if she held on she would get through the hard part. I saw her working and later upgrading to a nicer place and better pay. I saw her smiling and self-confident. She couldn’t see any of this, though, and continued to be sad.

It felt like I would be spending the night. I sat on a bed and my friend came and sat next to me holding something. She said, “I made this for you.” It was a long, green vine that was very long and twisted, with pink flowers and a small bird’s nest attached to the end. She showed me the nest and said, “It’s a nest for you.” I took the gift and looked closely at the nest and thanked my friend.

We then kissed one another and embraced. We kissed for a long time until my friend pulled away. I apologized but she was okay with it. I then asked her if she ever considered us to be more than friends. She said she had but she did not want to explore that possibility then and there. She was overwhelmed with life and the complications of it.

Suddenly, the front door swung inward with a burst of wind. My friend ran up to close it and said it was broken. I noticed it was swollen from water damage and that its hinges were rusted completely off. I pushed with all my might and secured it in the frame but huge gaps were visible and it could fall off any minute. I told my friend she should get management to fix it. She said it was like that when she moved in.

I went back to the bed where I would be sleeping for the night. Scattered across it were various square sheets of paper of various colors. I remember thinking it odd they were there as I curled up to sleep. I thought, “Paper sheets – ‘bed sheets’ of paper”. I kept looking at the door worried it would fall down but it never did.

Interpretation

When I woke up my lower abdomen was tender as if I had been receiving healing in dreamtime. The dream was vivid in my memory and I wondered about it. It is obvious that the “best friend” is a version of me. I can’t help but think she represents a potential path or part of myself that feels uncertainty about the future.

The most vivid dream symbol is the bed and the colorful, thin paper sheets all over the bed. Sheets in general represent the covering of unconscious and/or intimate feelings. Paper indicates a choice is about to be given to me in waking life. Being there are many pieces of different colored paper, it could represent all the various choices available to me. The paper is partially see-through, like tissue paper for a gift. So, perhaps, I am being shown potential parts of a “gift” or selecting what goes along with a gift. It is hard to say. The see-through aspect indicates I am getting a glimpse of the unconscious.

The door could represent access either being blocked or opened. The door is warped, meaning it was exposed to large amounts of water. Water = emotion. This indicates that emotion is hindering access in some way. The hinges are rusted and broken. Hinges represent the link between the spiritual and physical. I mention that the door needs to be repaired and worry the door will fall down. This suggests that I fear what is being kept out by the door. There is something on the other side I do not want to let in. This in itself represents my own blocking of something unwanted, but likely needed for healing.

It could also be that my “door” is broken from too much emotion and is causing me to struggle to maintain the balance between the spiritual and physical. Subconscious issues are seeping through and I am unable to differentiate between past and present emotion.

The next most memorable symbol is the vines with a nest made for me by my friend. A nest is protection, feeling at home, comfort and new opportunities. Vines represent ambitions, thoughts and/or ideas. They can also represent a clingy relationship. Pink represents unconditional love and nurturing.

Based upon this dream symbolism it seems I am being shown the source of the problems I have been having with anxiety, panic and overall “energy sickness”. There is too much emotion. So much that it is affecting my ability to maintain balance and manage the flow of emotion (the door won’t shut all the way). This emotion overload could be related to my heart being just too wide open or it could be the result of my refusal to confront and heal what it coming up. The positive side to this is my openness to loving myself which is evident in my embracing my friend in the dream and asking her to reciprocate.

 

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Hawaii Trip Planned and Solar Plexus Issues

Yesterday my boss approved a trip to Oahu, Hawaii for March 9th-13th. My husband and I will go there to visit potential clients. Our company bids jobs such as water treatment plants, subways and even fish hatcheries. As general manager, one of my husband’s jobs is sales. In fact, he is the only person in the company that does this. We have estimators who do the paperwork for the bids but they do very little to actually sell the jobs. Without my husband, the company would not be where it is today. Thus, why he will be given stocks and eventually be part owner.

Travel to Hawaii is long and so two full days of a five day trip will be devoted to air travel. I have flown to Australia so I know the drill. We have two layovers on the way (yuck) but my husband did this on purpose to get off the plane and walk. He said he couldn’t imagine 11 hours of sitting.

Once there we will be staying at a resort on Waikiki beach with an ocean view. We have not made any plans on what we will do while there except for two meetings with construction companies. There are no volcanoes on Oahu so I am tempted to do one of those all-day trips to the Big Island to see a volcano or two. We will see what happens. At the very least I want to snorkel/scuba dive and see a waterfall or two.

I am a little concerned about sleep, though. My husband booked a room with a king bed. He knows I struggle to sleep with him, even in the same room, because of his snoring and high energy. He also knows I struggle to sleep when in a new place. It could be that all this will be no big deal but I really value my sleep. I am going to look for a white noise app or similar and hope that it will work to drown out the sound of his snoring and other noises. This is one of the only ways I can fall asleep at home and during our last trip together I brought my fan and was able to sleep well at a bed and breakfast.

The funny thing about this trip is that for a few days it looked like we wouldn’t be going. My husband stupidly told his brother about the trip and then his brother wanted to go and bring his wife. My boss did not approve that and my husband really wanted them to go so he was going to let them go in our place. I would not have it and told him it made no sense because it was a sales trip and his brother doesn’t do sales. So, my husband had decided no one would go. Yet the whole time I actually saw myself in Hawaii, so I knew it would happen. I told my husband, he laughed, and the next day his brother backed out and everything was approved.

Sick

Yesterday I stayed home from work. My stomach and lower back hurt all day. Not only did I have some kind of intestinal virus that had me running to the toilet all the time but I also started my period. Really great timing, body! So I had both kinds of cramps and just felt really shitty. It felt like being kicked in the stomach by a child. Just a dull ache all day.

I am still not 100% today. Ever since my c-section in 2014 my period has been rough. It use to be worse so I am grateful it has at least toned down. This month it is early and worse than normal. It is hard to tell if I am still sick with the virus or if it is my period causing the discomfort right now. I will likely go to work and see if I can manage regardless.

It seems like lately if I get sick it is intestinal. This is the realm of the solar plexus chakra. Ever since I was a small child I have issues in this area of my body. When little I was diagnosed with a spastic colon (IBS) and had to go into the doctor and get injections just to have a bowel movement! It was really painful and the curse haunted me well into my teens. IBS can cause bloating, cramping, diarrhea, constipation, vomiting and dizziness (maybe more but these were my symptoms). I would be up all night in pain, throwing up,  sweating, doubled over in tears until I would finally use the toilet. Diet and exercise nipped it in the bud for me.

Since lately my issues seem to be diarrhea, the message is that I feel like I cannot have what I want and so give up on my goals. It also indicates I am not absorbing or learning my lessons.

IBS means I do not feel comfortable with asking for what I want. I hold back and keep things to myself (don’t ask for help, self-sufficient, independent).  When I feel relaxed enough to express my ideas, opinions and knowledge, then my “digestion of life – inflow and outflow – is balanced and harmonious”.

I find it interesting that my symptoms relate so well to how I feel. I have given up and I have given up so much that I can’t even recall what I wanted anymore. I am left with no goals, a bleak outlook on life and my future and this feeling of a vast expanse of nothing ahead of me. I do not ask for help or seek it. I tend to look to myself to resolve all my problems and if I cannot fix something myself then I feel like a failure.

My mom also has IBS which is not surprising. She taught me to be the way I am. I remember feeling like I was bad if I was not able to solve problems on my own. Asking for help resulted in an irritated response from my mom. She made me feel like I was a burden and should know better than to ask her for help. If I kept quiet and out of her way then I was able to be free of her negative reactions. So that is what I did.

Hold it in. Don’t ask for help. Don’t show emotions like grief or fear or confusion.

No wonder I am a constant flow of tears and grief these days. I’ve been holding it in since childhood!!

My tummy says I am still doing it, too. 😦 If I can’t release this crap then it will implode and become a worse physical ailment. My grandmother technically died from a UTI that spread to her heart, but prior to that struggled with diverticulitis for years (over a decade). It kept recurring and causing her pain. I find it no coincidence that my mom AND my grandmother had issues with the same area. Strong women in our family but it backfires.

 

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Digging In

Reached out to an online friend yesterday for some advice on everything that is happening with me – the strange “this is not my life” feeling, the anxiety and panic, the energy sickness, the high emotion.

We chatted for a long while yesterday and last night. Here is something she advised:

Well…if you don’t know what you want to do, but you want to be whole. I’d try my best to stop looking at anyone at all and focus back on you even though you’re so tired and not happy yet, and you feel like you’re getting somewhere then stay there and go within until spirit guides you elsewhere! It’s all about timing. Let the brain stop running circles on you. Maybe some cranial sacral would assist your thoughts! Clues!

The bottom line spiritually….from my guides and yours pow wow downloads they’re giving me. You’re getting caught in fear and doubt and your nervous system is telling you so and you need help. You’re not asking for help, you’re feeling alone. That’s your doubt of self. You need to learn new skills. Don’t rely on the kundalini it takes you up and out. Do something down here. You’re sort of on that line of fear often and you’re so sick of ‘falling’ or going backwards whatever language you use. But you need to embody. You’re flying all night and don’t want to come in fully. One foot in one foot out. There’s a way for you to change this you just won’t go there yet. It’s a place you delay seeing if you keep looking outside of you. All your tools are within you already and you’re just unfolding. Slowly. As one should. Pay attention to the nervousness. Sit with it. Where’s the fear coming from? From what? Where? Why? You already know. You just need to ask it, the body. Come. Into. The. Body! You’ve got outside in now go inside out.

There was much more but to summarize it was as I had suspected but not fully acknowledge. Perhaps as part of a temporary amnesia that I agreed to in order to fully integrate into the body and perhaps as a part of the remergence/reformation of ego, one that is more inline and in tune with my purpose and heart.

Earlier in this journey, I had similar panic episodes to what I am having now. They passed and were easier to handle but only because I observed them rather than becoming the effect of them. Similar to now, they would start with a sudden realization of my body, where I was, how I felt, etc. It was as if I shot directly into the body, grounded it in, suddenly and fully, which made all the senses almost painfully acute. Now, though, this perception remains for much longer and all the feelings are difficult to ignore. Thus, the panic episodes and feeling a need to run or get out.

It was advised by my friend to focus on the body, communicate with it and let it tell/show me what it needs. This was also what my guidance suggested and what caused me to have teary episodes on my commutes to and from work. I hate crying, though, so I stopped the feeling into my body on my commute and other trips. It just looks like I have more to purge and allow. I made the decision to keep looking, to keep listening, and try and resolve the residual grief and other emotions surfacing. I asked for help doing this prior to bed.

Last night I took a very long Epsom salt bath. Afterward I experienced a sadness that led to tears over the death of my dog, Trooper. Ugh! I cannot believe I am still grieving when he has been dead since 2012! Later I had more tears over my physical counterpart. The depth of the pit of grief I carry seems to have no bottom.

This morning my stomach is not happy. When I woke my back ached near my kidneys. Once awake it shifted to my intestines and I am back to similar symptoms as I experienced previously where my stomach hurts and I just don’t feel well. I will be staying home to work today if I don’t start feeling better soon.

Dreams

I slept very deeply with plenty of dreams. Once I was awakened in tears from a dream about Trooper. In the dream I was talking to an older lady with short hair who was taking care of him for me. I went to visit and saw him behind a fence made of panels of glass. He was very old looking and walking strangely, like he had been injured or was just crippled from old age. He leaped up toward me when he saw me. I was happy to see him but my grief got in the way. The woman and I sang together songs I can’t remember now and it seemed to help. She encouraged me to sing, so I did. She assured me she would take good care of him for me. I left him with her but broke down in tears as I departed. This woke me and I continued to cry.

There was another dream where I was with a group of people. We all seemed young, like 20’s. Myself and some others sat down at consoles and put on headsets to do our work. It was like we were physically plugged into the system somehow. I had just put on my headset when one of the men pointed out that something was wrong. I looked at him and some of the others and noticed their teeth were becoming shaded with gray and black. They all immediately took off their headsets as did I and the shading slowly faded. I remember being told it had to do with high radiation levels and to try again later. My own teeth were shaded and I felt a bit ill (likely physical seeping into my dream).

Then I was traveling on a motorbike along a country road with tall trees on either side. I took a sharp left and my bike suddenly seemed like a large, white work truck. As I turned around I felt a bit off, like I was confused or anxious. A young woman on a bike stopped me and asked me if I could give her a lift home. Her bike looked odd, like a four-wheeled type that was close to the ground. She told me her name and all about her family. I felt something was not right about her but agreed to give her a lift.

When we arrived at where she lived, it was the same place I did. Distrusting her, I took her to the entrance and used my key to open the door. I would not use the code in case she was trying to steal it. Inside, she asked me to help her locate her apartment but gave me a different name. This confirmed she was lying to me so I would not help her and made sure not to take her near my apartment.

Interpretation

When I woke I was really tired and shifted to lay on my back. My heart felt to be beating a thousand miles a minute but when I took my pulse my heartbeat was normal. It was odd. I had a headache and my lower back ached.

The dream about Trooper was likely to help me with the lingering feelings of guilt over his death. I saw him as old and decrepit even though I know that he is whole and happy on the Other Side because I have seen him before. The singing in the dream was likely to help me raise my vibration. The woman seemed to be his caretaker.

The teeth dream was strange. Teeth have to do with one’s feelings of control, or lack of it. When the teeth rot it is an invitation to handle unfinished business. To dig into those things that have been avoided and resolve them.

The last dream seems to be about my own distrust of myself, or an aspect of myself. The woman was young, married, with no kids. I recall telling her that she was lucky. She asked me if I was happy and I shrugged my shoulders. Thoughts of how exhausted parenting was and how I had so little time to myself came to mind. I advised the woman to enjoy her life – her “perfect” life. I told her, “Looks like you have it all.” When she questioned me, I said, “A house, a job and a husband you love.” I distrusted her story, though, as if I did not believe anyone could be happy with those things. In considering the whole dream, it feels like life has left me disillusioned. The “American dream” turned out to be a crock of shit and I no longer believe happiness comes from attaining it.