Protected: Body Numbness
From physical imbalance and illness, to emotional upset and lethargy, this full moon is really putting me through the ringer! I hope you all are faring better than I am and experiencing bliss and high energy. If not, I am sorry. I’m right there with you.
Yesterday morning I was doing pretty okay considering. So good in fact that I completed an hour-long weight lifting routine. I lifted pretty heavy and pushed myself hard physically, which is my norm, but instead of feeling better for it, I felt “off”.
I began to feel light-headed toward the end of the workout, so, I took longer breaks and completed the entire sequence as planned. It got a bit scary, though, to the point of almost causing me panic because of how sleepy/zoned out I began to get. I did the normal stuff to replenish my body’s lost reserves – had a protein shake, hydrated and rested. When those things didn’t revive me, I decided to go with my body’s indicators that I needed more rest and took a hot bath to relax.
After my bath I felt even more tired and lethargic to the point that I just wanted to lay around. Ultimately, I ended up laying in bed crying on and off until I gathered up what remaining energy I could muster and made a nice dinner for the kids. I felt a bit better after eating and spent some time watching t.v. with my kids before heading to bed around 9pm.
Prior to sleep I had a glass of wine while watching more t.v. to distract and numb myself as best I could. It didn’t work. A particularly sympathetic feeling female guide began talking to me, asking me questions and sending loving energy hugs. That did it. I burst into tears. After several cycles of crying I was depleted once again and fell asleep.
Dream: Trip to the Mountains
The beginning of the dream is fuzzy. I recall talking with a man as we traveled toward the mountains. He and I made plans to stay at a cabin but I told him I needed to do something first and would meet him in the morning. I remember when I told him this he was disappointed but agreed.
I went to a hotel room where I met up with my daughter and her girlfriends. The sense here was that I had to finish up my trip with her before I could meet up with the man. I spent much of this part of the dream “cleaning up” the mess she and her friends made, repeatedly telling them to pick up their things and trying to gather all our stuff before checking out. There are flashes of memory of looking under furniture for things that might accidentally get left behind and finding a pair of my daughter’s sneakers. There was also this pedal with a wire connected to it that resembled the pedal to a sewing machine, only it was to a computer.
There is also memory of knowing I would be going on a hike with my daughter but I don’t know if I ever did. I just remember that I got so caught up in the things I needed to do that I forgot about my male friend and our plans. I no-showed and I’m not sure how many days/weeks it took for me to realize my forgetfulness.
When I woke form this dream part of a song was going through my head – “Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I’ll be…..” At the same time I was thinking of my marriage and how in 2015, after having a dream, I woke up with a decision to leave my husband – but I never did. I realized I had considered leaving him many times since but every time back pedaled for one reason or the other.
Depleted
I still feel completely depleted of all energy this morning. It is like the energy sickness only it has spread to my physical body. I feel ill but at a soul level. It is hard to describe but it feels like my tank is on empty and I am running on fumes.
The dream above is similar to another dream – OBE actually – I had a long time ago and was one of the last time my physical counterpart had visited me. My children were there and one was crying. My counterpart had been trying to get my attention but the need of my children for me was too much and I turned away from him. I chose them over him in the above dream as well.
I’m not sure if this dream is just showing me my focus or if it is meant to show me something else. All I know is that the feelings I am having are very difficult to deal with. It is such intense grief and loss that I don’t feel I have the strength in me to continue. I am re-experiencing some things that in the past were a struggle to get through. For example, I keep thinking, “This is going to kill me.” Then there are flashes of all these past lives where I have died from this exact kind of pain. In some I killed myself to escape it. In others I just lost the will to live and so died not long after.
All of these feelings are familiar. They haunted me most of 2017 but were especially difficult the last couple of months in 2016. It is the total decimation feeling all over again.
I asked – begged – my guidance to help me find resolution. Obviously death is not going to free me. If anything, death just perpetuates it. So then what? How do I reconcile it? Do I just continue living my life secretly carrying with me this kind of pain? Pretending I am okay when I’m not? To think of doing that is unbearable to me. I know I can’t manage it.
Somehow I fell into the in-between amidst the unbearable pain I was feeling. I was brought out of my reverie by a message I both heard and saw in my mind. The voice was familiar, the tone fitting. The male voice joked, “Now don’t be a [something, something] Jasper!” I saw it written out as if in an email as I heard it. Then I replied something like, “Who is Jasper?” but he seemed not to hear me. Instead, I saw and heard his reply followed by another message indicating I had not responded and him asking me why.
Now fully awake I was furious at him. He, of course, was making light of the situation, trying to make me laugh. I yelled silently in my mind that it was NOT a joking matter.
I figured the “Jasper” part was likely a message so I looked it up. Turns out it is fitting. See for yourself.
The crazy panic episodes are returning and I am NOT enjoying it one bit.
Friday I had a panic attack at a stop light on the way home from work. What triggered it? Realizing I was at the front of the line of traffic and thinking if I passed out everyone would be stuck behind me. My car felt suffocating. My heart was pounding in my chest like I had just sprinted a 100 yds. I wanted to jump out of my car and stand beside it until the light changed. As soon as the light changed and I was driving, the panic vanished. If I am moving, I am fine. If I am stopped, I could freak out for no reason. 😦
On top of that, I must have caught a stomach virus because my tummy doesn’t feel good at all. It is making my lower back ache and I have what my students use to call “bubble gut”. Ugh!
Yet I persevere. I have to keep doing what needs to get done. There are no breaks for me.
I decided to do the shopping since I had to put food in the fridge. My youngest accompanied me. We made a stop at Ross before grocery shopping. My stomach, which had been better, decided to grumble and hurt. I definitely didn’t feel alright but I pushed through it. A trip to the bathroom helped and we moved on but not before I ate a little something just in case my blood sugar got low (which it tends to do).
Wal-Mart was where we ended up next. I normally don’t go there but I figured why not? Turns out I was all spaced out through the shopping trip and by the time I was waiting in line I began to have that pre-panic feeling. Right there in line I felt like I was going to pass out and then I began to silently freak out because I did not want my poor little guy to have to go through something like that. So, I sorted my thoughts and got my panic under control and got the hell out of there as fast as I could.
I sat in the car a bit before driving away, just to get my wits about me. I had at least five traffic lights between the parking lot and home. Traffic lights tend to increase the likelihood of panic for some reason. Grrr!
I got home without incident and sat in the driveway as my daughter got the groceries. I warned her not to leave the door open or else Monty would run out. Sure enough, within minutes he darted past and across the road to harass a poor woman taking a walk. I had to jump out of the car and get him which was, thankfully, quite easy. He was growling at the woman because she was wearing bright red, over sized headphones. I explained it to her, she let him sniff her and everyone was happy.
When I got inside my stomach was really aching. It feels very much like what I felt when I had that gut imbalance plus a little bit like an intestinal flu. Imagine someone twisting your intestines and your uterus at the same time and you might get an idea of how uncomfortable it is.
With the strange panic episode, the faint feeling and stomach cramping I actually thought to myself, “I must be dying. I’m gonna end up in the ER.” I don’t think things like that often and I’m not really sure why I thought that except that something really feels “off”. I don’t like the feeling at all.
There is no logical explanation for the panic-like episode in line at Wal-Mart. To be honest, I am terrified that these episodes are going to generalize to more and more locations rather than just being isolated to one specific traffic light and section of road like they use to. It is already starting to happen but to shift from the road to inside a store? Gawd!
On the drive home I was thinking that I might be one of “those” people who can’t function anymore in society because being outside among people and in society causes them instant panic to the point of hysteria. The panic makes me want to sprint away from wherever I am. If I am in a car, I want to get out of it. When in line at Wal-Mart I wanted to grab my son and just walk as fast as I could out and away from the store.
It feels like the entire space I occupy is going to collapse on top of me.
WTF is wrong with me!?
It is likely this stomach illness and the energy I have been feeling in my lower chakras are linked. Fear is an emotion related to imbalance in the root chakra (security, survival). With everything going on in my life right now, my seemingly “secure” world being threatened, it might just be exacerbating things and panic is the unfortunate emotional side-effect.
This panic is extreme, though, even for me. Please pray whatever the *uck this is, goes away.
On what an emotional week! Thankfully, the emotion seems to be settling down a bit, specifically the grief and anguish. Yesterday, after writing a post in my other “secret” blog specifically about grief and depression I stumbled upon more than one post by an astrologer about Chiron at 29° Pisces. Turns out this specific degree is churning up Karma, patterns, beliefs and all kinds of junk for processing and release.
I have Chiron in Taurus and have often been given a heads up by my guidance about Chiron the “wounded healer”. I have come to dislike him greatly over the years. It seems like when Chiron is around I am in despair or anguish to the point of feeling as if I am being gutted. Thankfully, this time, the “gutted” feeling was less because most of the pain that came up for release had been processed in 2016-2017. So this time around I mainly needed to acknowledge the grief, that I was suppressing it and pretending to be okay when in fact I am not okay.
I’ve also been able to get a bit more sleep. Last night I took a full Benadryl prior to bed when I normally take only half or take a Melatonin. Since my problem is frequent waking I figured a little more Benadryl might keep me asleep. It worked like a charm! I only woke once and it was nearly 5am! Yay! As a result I feel so much better this morning. Rested and calm compared to how I’ve been waking over the past couple of weeks.
Surprisingly I also remembered my dreams in more detail than I have been. 🙂 Maybe they will provide a bit of insight with some interpretation? Let’s see…
Dream: White SUV
In this dream I recall being in a car lot or parking lot (pause on path, new direction) with some family members. I was showing them my new car. We walked along a row of parked cars and I pointed to it. It was a white (purity, spirituality, innocence), Toyota-Highlander-looking SUV (goals in life have changed) only it had a very obvious pop-up camper (desire for independence) type thingamajig where the back seats should be. When I looked inside I recall being very satisfied with it.
Afterward we left and then returned to the SUV to drive it home. There was another similar looking SUV parked about two cars down from mine. I accidentally went to it first and then realized it wasn’t mine (possible alternate path). The pop-up part was distinctly different, extending up higher. I then noticed my SUV’s interior lights were all on and every single door left open. I rushed up to it and said, “Who’s been in my car? Someone left all the doors open. The battery (loss of energy/motivation) is going to die! Why did the parking attendant let them do that?” The “them” in this case felt like children, like my children. I quickly shut all the doors and hoped that I wouldn’t have to replace the battery before I had even driven it home for the first time. I recall thinking poorly of the car lot at that time as well.
Dream: Limo Trip
The dream shifted and I was heading with a group out to a work and/or religious gathering. I recall being inside a large vehicle, like maybe inside a limo (wealth, prosperity). It was dark and the seats were facing each other. I remember being anxious and the drive seeming to last a long time. My SIL moved to sit close to me and began to run her fingers lightly up and down my spine (maybe Kundalini related). It felt wonderful and I relaxed into it and thanked her.
Not much later my SIL motioned to me to follow her. She headed toward a back seat that I had not seen. She crawled through a small opening and I followed. The space opened up and I found myself on a very long black, leather seat. My SIL was sitting and waiting for me and I said to her, “Wow! There’s really a lot of space in here!” The seat was so long that we could both lay down on it comfortably. I could see another seat behind us as well but no one else was in there with us.
I assumed my SIL wanted to continue the back rub but I sensed something was different. When I looked up she was not my SIL anymore but resembled my best friend from high school. For some reason I understood that this encounter was meant to help me and a recent dream experience I had repeated. Again I saw very clearly this woman’s vagina. Rather than feeling awkward, this time I knew exactly what to do and so did not hesitate. Whatever I did to her felt to be happening to me. It was very strange!
Then, back at the gathering, I recall seeing many circular tables (wholeness) in the room, all with white tablecloths. Awards (success) were being given out but I can’t recall what kind or to who.
Next, I was in the bar area/kitchen (spiritual nourishment and healing) and noticed quite a mess of dishes and other things that needed cleaning up (healing). Someone was there but not cleaning it up so I opted to clean it myself. This is odd because I knew it wasn’t my mess yet I immediately went to cleaning it. Also, the mess was not just dishes yet I cleaned them as if they were. I took the things (can’t remember them now), rinsed them with water (cleansing, emotion) and then placed them in the refrigerator. In my mind the refrigerator (accomplishment of what was sought or putting something on hold) was a dishwasher so when I finally realized it was a fridge I was surprised. I recall that the inside was clean, white, and nearly empty. When I placed things inside I arranged and organized them.
There was someone with me at the time that I was talking to but I can’t recall who.
Considerations
My overall feeling from these dreams is good. The SUV dreams seems to indicate that I am seeking independence on my path. Cars = one’s path in life. An SUV in particular has plenty of room for others, specifically family. So, my interpretation is that I want to keep my family in my life but also want my independence. The white color feels good to me – optimistic. The fact that this SUV is my “new car” and was just purchased (based upon it being in a car lot) suggests I am switching paths/direction in my life. However, I have some fears, specifically “battery life” in that I worry I will not have enough energy/resources because of my responsibilities to my children.
The next dream indicates healing of my feminine. It is interesting that it continues another dream experience that was much more lucid than this one and left me questioning the purpose of it. In this dream it completes and I seem to be accepting that this other woman is me. I seek to give her pleasure and as such receive pleasure myself. It feels now to have been about self-love and self-acceptance.
The end of the dream feels like continued healing and perhaps an inventory of what I have accomplished and what healing I still have left to do. Considering how empty the fridge is, it seems to indicate not much has been put on hold for later healing and resolution.
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Life in Kana-text (er... CONtext)
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a poetry collection
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