Category Archives: Ascension

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Dream Message: Repopulating Earth

Super intense dream this morning.

Prior to bed I was asked, “Are you ready to begin?” At the time my heart was so huge that the energy of it covered my entire chest and the top of my abdomen (3rd and part of 2nd chakra). Vastly huge beyond anything I’ve ever felt! When I was asked this question I stopped breathing, holding my breath, and replied, “Yes.” The heart energy remained for a long time and other chakras began to buzz – third-eye and root specifically. I briefly wondered if the Kundalini was about to ignite in a frenzy, but it never did.

I couldn’t sleep and tossed and turned for some time. The last thing I heard before falling asleep was, “Remember.” When I hear that it usually means I am about to Remember something about who I am, something purposeful.

Dream: Repopulating Earth

This particular dream was set in a very brightly lit room. I only recall golden light permeating everything and white walls with some hints of furnishings that made the space feel homey and comfortable. Standing in front of me was my partner. I cannot recall how he looked except that he was golden and bright like the room we were in. He was taller than me by about a foot and I considered him to be my “husband”.

As I began to come into more lucidity I recognized I had no past or future. My memory was all a blank. It was a peculiar feeling and one I was totally at ease with. Of particular interest to me was that my future was blank. Not only that, but my instructions were to not do anything to prepare for my future. This information was from the telepathic conversation I was having with my partner.

This is where there is information overload so I will summarize what I can. I was very aware that we, he and I both, were awaiting our “time”. There was to be an “exchange” of the population of Earth in waves. In the dream this exchange was recalled as something that came in the air/atmosphere, similar to a undetectable, poisonous gas. Only those participating in the wave would be affected. I was being told not to prepare for my future because I would not have one. I would be in the next wave along with others who volunteered to be a part of the “re-population” of Earth.

I was then informed that I had a choice of the timing of the wave I would leave on. In my mind I saw a drop down menu like one would find on an application. The drop down menu was of years. I saw 2015, 2016, 2017 and so on and so forth all the way into the late 2020’s. I remember lingering over the years 2016 and 2017. I was drawn to 2016 but then selected 2017 as my choice. We then discussed my selection and I saw a calendar in my mind.

I was asked if I wanted to know when it would be our time. I could still see the calendar and it was zoomed in on a frame of two weeks. I don’t remember the month but it felt to be very soon. I thought about the question and said, “No, I think not.” I then explained that to know when my time would be would only cause anticipation on my part and perhaps even nervousness or fear. I remember saying it could cause me to live my life very irresponsibly and I may make decisions I would not normally make. I used the example of eating, saying some may resort to gluttony if they knew they had little time left.

I remember asking him what everyone is suppose to do while they wait. I asked, “If we aren’t to make any plans, what are we to do in the meanwhile? Should we even do our work?” There was discussion here that long-term plans would do me no good. We discussed work specifically, as in career plans. I understood that looking for a job was pointless.

There was also discussion about “all the others”. I remember asking if everyone in each of the waves would leave. I was told some would not. I then saw that those who refused to leave would continue in their lives as if nothing were happening, yet they would be affected. I saw unrest and mental turmoil to include upset and/or insanity. The example I got specifically was Mexico and how “hard working” the people were so much so that many would insist they keep working, toiling away, continuing to provide labor and products to the U.S.

I recall saying to my partner at one point, “I don’t want to be male.” It appeared I was selecting the gender of the body I would occupy. There was a sense that a female body would be more conducive to the exchange than a male one.

Then I was shown the “waves” from above Earth, as if I was positioned on a craft in space. The waves were invisible except where they impacted Earth. It looked like the Earth was being scanned. A large bubble of energy arced out where the wave impacted the surface and atmosphere. It took a while for it to make one pass. When it completed, the wave would begin again, slowly “scanning” the globe from left (West) to right (East).

It appeared that the waves were being sent by an alien race from a location in space. The information reminded me of what I had read in Delores Cannon’s books where an E.T. race came down and collected groups of humans to save them from a mass extinction event.

I continued to speak with my partner all along feeling very at ease and comfortable with the topic of discussion. We spoke about the Beings who were assisting Earth. I referred to them as our “parents”. We talked about building a new “Home” and while we spoke I was drawing a picture full of right triangles on top of right triangles. When I drew I knew I was drawing a house but it looked nothing like the physical structure. Instead it was similar to drawing geometric figures. It looked similar to this without the two circles:

vp3sacredroots2&3&5

I specifically drew a large, vertical rectangle. Then I divided it into two equal squares, upper and lower. Then I divided those squares diagonally to make two equal right triangles. I even drew in the little box in each right angle. I drew the triangles in the bottom square as well. Then I drew a long diagonal line across the entire rectangle. This completed picture was our new Home.

Realizations and More Dreams

When I woke up I was very aware that I had been crying, yet I could not recall when and there was no physical evidence of tears. I also felt worried about what I remembered. Was Earth about to experience a mass “extermination”? Was I agreeing to be one of the ones exterminated? This is how the dream message felt initially upon waking but I soon recognized this assumption was inaccurate.

Eventually I realized that the “waves” I sensed in the dream are the waves of ascension. The exchange, which was viewed as a type of “death” in the dream, is a soul exchange. I and others have volunteered to participate in “repopulating” the Earth with “new souls” (soul exchange). It is not that we are physically dying, but that we are walking into bodies primed for the exchange and in doing so will repopulate planet Earth and assist in creating a new energetic signature that will shift the planet as a whole into another “dimension” (not the right word but I am at a loss).

Those that refused the exchange (not ready or choosing not to) would remain and experience a very unpleasant and tumultuous time on Earth.

I want to be clear here, though, that I did not see those in the waves “leaving” Earth. I saw us remaining here alongside the others who opted out. Yet at the same time it very much felt like the population as a whole would eventually be eliminated and a new population would be implanted.

Weird, I know, and strangely I am at peace with it all despite how very real the dream felt.

I somehow fell back to sleep. I entered into the in-between and saw an E.T. wearing a very thick, bulky suit. He was vastly taller than the human reporter who was standing in front of him. Maybe two or three feet taller than her. She reached out her hand and from the center of a the suit a small, pale, pinkish-white hand reached out. It had very long fingers and was quite creepy looking, like spider hands. The woman reached out and shook hands with this E.T.

Then I dreamed of preparing for a dental visit where I would get a “thorough cleaning” that would be “uncomfortable”. I was told “not to eat for an entire day before the procedure”. This is not the first time I’ve received a message like this in a dream.

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Changes, Projects and Ideas

The energy since May 31st has been distinct. My third-eye has been active for pretty much this entire time. Sometimes it is like I am wearing a headlamp. It feels like a beam of energy is shooting directly through the back of my head and out my forehead. Pretty cool but then distracting all the same.

My sleep has also been interrupted. Usually every two to three hours. Each time I wake I feel like I have slept all night and am always surprised when I discover so little time has really passed. Dreams are vivid as well with an in-flow of guide communication and Knowing.

Yesterday and today I’ve had a feeling that I need to do something but nothing quite feels right so I end up doing very little. A download is in progress yet this one is distinctly different from downloads of the past. It feels as if I am awaiting instruction or a go-ahead on a future direction/path.

Meanwhile I’ve begun changing my diet and exercise routine. It is not a major change for me. More of a tweaking here and there. In one of my dreams I was shown how food affects the energetic body. I saw the food as color streaming into the energy body and noticed how the aura reacted to it. The greener and more alive the food, the more alive it made the energy body. The more “dead” the food, the more it deadened the energy body. I recall seeing meats affects on the energy body most vividly. It went in as a dull, almost brownish red and tended to draw energy away from the energy body, “dulling” it.

What I brought back from dreamtime was that I needed to shift my diet to a more vegetable based one. Yes, again I got that message. I think my guidance thought if they gave me a visual of the energy it would cause me to make drastic changes to my diet. So far, I haven’t. My main issue is finding reliable sources of protein that also taste good. In my dreams last night it seems I was being told to look into pea protein because I had a bowl of green peas I was eating. lol Yet I can’t imagine eating pea protein in place of a filet of fish or a turkey burger. For now I have returned to eating clean, limiting my carbs to complex ones only (oatmeal, sweet potato, brown rice, sprouted grains) and increasing my intake of vegetables. Meat will remain in my diet but sparingly to include only lean, organic meats (excluding pork). Salmon will not be on this menu and really I will avoid most fish and shellfish because of the toxins they contain.

I am told these changes, while helpful, “will not do.” Ha! Well, then.

Physically, I am changing the amount and type of exercise I do. I became quite lethargic during all the emotional purging and really slacked off. Plus, anxiety and panic attacks were driving me away from the gym. Still not sure if I am going to go back to the gym. I tried one day and though I survived without incident I did not enjoy it. Something about the gym energy is really wreaking havoc on me. Probably I am just too open and susceptible to others’ energy while in the midst of exercise.

Spiritually I am being drawn toward astrology for some reason. I have always been interested in astrology but ever since the beginning of May I have been reading every astrology blog and article I can find. I want to know how they know what they know. lol So I am going to get some lessons from a friend so that I can know what they know and not feel like such an astrological numskull.

I am also being led to do more YouTube videos. I recently discovered Movie Maker. I had it all along on my computer but had never activated it (duh). Currently I am working on creating videos for each of my meditations. I have received comments from individuals saying they could not upload the audio files I have available for free on my blog. So, now they should have no problem with incompatible formats or whatever message they were receiving. It will take me a while to complete all of the meditations but they will be posted as I complete them. You can access them via the meditation link in the upper, left-hand corner of my blog’s home page.

I aspire to eventually create lessons or teaching videos. This would mean learning to add slides to my videos and/or actually streaming live classes which I later upload to YouTube for those who missed the live stream. I have the ability to do this and some know-how but I am somewhat blank on the topics to teach or discuss in the videos. A friend has invited me to be a facilitator and do live streams twice a month. I have agreed to sign on when the website is complete. The site is called C.S. ONE-CyberCOM and I will be participating in the The Conscious Community InterNetWork.’ I will provide more information on the dates and times of the live streams when they are available.

So, I need some practice prior to beginning these live streams. Suggestions are welcome.

I do have one idea that was brought to my attention recently by one of my blog community. I have been asked to make a custom pendulum. I’m super excited about it not only because I enjoy making them but because it gives me an excuse to visit the crystal and gem shop nearby. My daughter wants to make one with me. She is my collaborator. lol Anyway, my idea is to film the making of the pendulum as a how-to video for those who would like to make their own. Yeah, big project with a large amount of editing. Not sure how I will do it the way I want to but the idea makes me happy so I will explore it and see what comes of it.

I may also do another video showing how to use a pendulum for chakra clearing and balancing.

Really, there is no limit to what we can create and accomplish and I plan to explore those things that bring me joy. Teaching is one of those things, especially teaching subjects I love (the metaphysical, occult, spiritual, psychological – and everything therein). When I stand in front of a crowd as a facilitator I feel empowered. I get goosebumps and psychic chills. I literally SHINE. It is where I belong.

Rose Quartz Pendulum

Rose Quartz Pendulum with Rose Quartz, Clear Quartz and Cork beads

Carnelian Pendulum

Carnelian Pendulum with Carnelian, Clear Quartz and Citrine beads

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Vulnerability

According to my guidance as posted on May 9th and other posts after that, yesterday marked the end of an intensely, brutal three week period.  May 30th marked my “graduation”. Now I (We) are embarking on a journey into the unknown.

I had several visions and messages upon waking that reminded me of all the messages warning me of this pivotal moment. I was reminded of dreams such as the one above and one where I had a feeling of trepidation reminiscent of how one feels after they’ve graduated from high school. There was memory of a post by a friend on FB who has been watching a nest of Wrens grow and mature in her garage. Yesterday the three surviving babies left the nest permanently (no coincidence I’m sure). Today is also the last day of school for my children. 🙂

The song Itsy Bitsy Spider came into my mind as well:

The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the waterspout.
Down came the rain
and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun
and dried up all the rain
and the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again

With the song I heard from my guidance that I was entering a learning period that would last three months and asked if I was ready. The feeling about the song was that I had been washed out by the rain (despair/grief/purging) and now the sun was out (radiance, Divine Power), drying up all the rain so that I could resume my journey “up the water spout”.

Dreams

I was reminded of my dreams last night as well.

In the first one, I was inside a house and two pregnant (growth and development) women with young children came in. They were going to stay in my room. I was very disturbed by this and tried to find a place where I could sleep undisturbed. I remember saying, “It is likely the one or both of those women will go into labor in the middle of the night!” lol

Eventually I went outside to reconnect a plug (power, potential) that had become disconnect inside a helicopter (ambitions). I was warned that I needed to be very careful as it could electrocute me if I didn’t follow the proper sequence. When outside I saw that an entire section of wood fence (barriers) had been taken down revealing the neighbor’s yard. I asked if it would stay that way and was told it would. I heard the only issue was that the neighbor’s cats (feminine power, sexuality)  kept invading the yard.

I took the a black cord to the helicopter. On the way an orange (second chakra) tabby cat ran up to me. He lay down on the ground on his back purring. I was afraid he would bite me, though (afraid of my own power).

When I got inside the helicopter there was a dashboard with a telephone (communication) and other knobs. I was told where to connect it. The final step was to pick up the phone and check the connection. There was a dial tone. I was confused because nothing had happened but was told I had done it correctly.

I knew this dream was about the Kundalini. In fact, my first thought was, “Oh no! Not more cats!” lol The cat represents, for me at least, the sexual and feminine energies of the Kundalini. I usually run away from the cats in dreams. The message I got was to not be afraid. At least now I understand my fear. I tried not to think of how it would manifest this time. It will likely be in an unexpected way.

In another dream I was being treated for a rare illness (grief and self-pity). It manifested symptoms in the dream, but I have trouble remembering them now except that I felt strange. It was energetic, so likely Kundalini. I remember emotionally feeling down and different from the other people around me. I felt like a freak. As I sat waiting for someone to assist me I heard the elevator (rising to higher level) beep. I turned, expecting to see someone but the doors opened and no one was inside. I knew the doors were opening for me. I didn’t dare go inside. I felt defeated and exhausted when I thought of going inside. There was also a feeling of being alone and unique to the point that I felt it unlikely I would ever meet anyone like me. This made me feel that much more like a weirdo, out of place with no friends or hope of fitting in.

Considerations

Though the messages I received were positive, I did not respond positively. Instead I felt disinterest and resistance. All the emotional pummeling I went through recently has depleted me. I feel disillusioned mostly. This is my own fault for trying to force what I wanted on a situation rather than allow it to unfold naturally. Impatience has been my undoing. That is the realm of the Ego-Child. They want everything “now”. And then it doesn’t help that as a spiritual Being time is difficult to gauge. So, in hearing the next three months will be a time of learning and elevation I stopped myself from trying to figure out what this might mean. I will let myself be surprised, or at least try to anyway.

Vulnerability

There is something I want to share here that has been coming up for inspection quite a bit lately. It is related to this new openness that I have been struggling to get use to. The best word for it is vulnerability. Yes, that means being open to attack, but it also means being open to everything else. In the Divine sense it goes along with complete surrender and a willingness to expose ones self to the good and the bad alike. I am coming to terms with the fact that this vulnerability is my new normal.

This article sums up vulnerability quite well.

It starts to make sense that we dismiss vulnerability as weakness only when we realize that we’ve confused feeling with failing and emotions with liabilities. If we want to reclaim the essential emotional part of our lives and reignite our passion and purpose, we have to learn how to own and engage with our vulnerability and how to feel the emotions that come with it. For some of us, it’s new learning, and for others it’s relearning. Either way, the research taught me that the best place to start is with defining, recognizing, and understanding vulnerability.

I have been receiving nudges to let myself feel and allow others to see this side of me. I struggle a great deal with the latter. I look awful when I cry. My face gets red, my eyes are puffy and my nose is like Rudolph’s. I feel ill when I think of others seeing this side of me. I retract from it. I want to hide and often I do, usually retreating to any isolating space.

When I was a child my crying was criticized, my emotions rejected. There was very little to no sympathy from my mother. In fact, my tears seemed to make her angrier. Eventually, I developed this anger as well. I got angry with her and myself for crying. Even happy tears were hidden or repressed.

When I was pregnant the emotional side-effects were my nemesis. I could not control my tears and they often came on the minute the emotion was felt. And then they seemed to go on and on. I remember bursting into tears one time when I stopped by to talk to my boss about some issues. He was very nice and let me cry but I felt humiliated by the experience thinking to myself, “He must think I am such a sap.” He offered sympathy and I outright rejected it. Why? Because it caused more tears and emotion.

I reject sympathy from everyone when I am emotional, too. My mother taught me well. Her lesson was that a good woman is a strong women who doesn’t show others her weakness. To be a weak woman is to agree that men are the stronger gender.

Yeah, royally messed up but that is what I have to work with in the life.

What I am finding, though, is that I long to be emotional, to snuggle into the arms of a man and cry my eyes out without feeling he will reject or criticize me for being weak. Instead, he will see my emotion as strength. This is as it should be. I have very seldom exposed myself to anyone in this way. If I have, it is likely with a woman and not a man. The few times I have cried and hugged my husband there was no comfort to be found. I felt judged, weak and guilty. For some reason I feel judged by him, as if my pain is a burden on him.

The sad thing is that my own daughter already shows signs that she also believes emotion equals weakness. Her biggest fear is that she will start to cry at school and everyone will see her and judge her, ridicule her or think of her as the girl who cries all the time. I assume just her exposure to the woman in my family (me included) has led her down this path. Or maybe she brought it in with her from another lifetime. I try my best to comfort her when she cries. Sadly, I normally get pushed away and yelled at.

Will I be able to come to terms with this new, vulnerable state I find myself in all the time? I guess I’m going to have to.

 

 

 

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Entering Another Section of the Equinox Portal: Clearing the Human Genetic Line

Whew! I feel I have made it to the “other side” of the hellish purging. Finally, some relief is to be had. However, I was given a glimpse in my dreams of what to expect in the coming weeks of June. June, in fact, is one hell of a month for those of us nearing the final stages of the embodiment journey. We are not done yet. Not by a long-shot!

If you do not follow my other blog, check out the video I posted yesterday for more information on what was happening over the last two weeks and what to expect in the first two weeks of June.

Dream Revelations

I spent all night walking in the shoes of my ancestors. I went back hundreds of years, visiting family members as far back as the 1600’s (maybe even further back than that). In the dream I was in a cemetery unearthing their graves, busting through the casings that covered the earth they were buried under, and reading their names and dates of life-death as I received information on their individual histories.

As I met one they would join me as I met with another. In the end I had a crowd of ancestors, all female, at my side. It was made clear that our combined history was much more than DNA, much more than blood, much more than these bodies we occupy incarnation after incarnation.

There is faint memory of an energy coursing through me as I experienced this. I am certain it was Kundalini energy, muted by lack of lucidity and the result of a request I made months ago to lessen my awareness of it. Even as I try to recall it, the memory seems to run away from me, hiding. I am okay with it as I understand it is necessary that I not get caught up in the crazy energy and my near-obsession with it.

Clearing Two “Genetic” Lines

When I awoke I recalled much more than just the dreams. In fact, the dreams themselves and the specifics of them were mostly tossed in recognition and understanding of the bigger picture they represented.

Our ancestral line consists of two branches: biological/genetic organism and spiritual Being. Though it may seem that we as spiritual beings would select a specific human genetic line to reincarnate in over and over, this is not the case. We often purposefully avoid staying within the same human genetic line. Some will reincarnate within the same family multiple times, but it is more likely that we will reincarnate within the same geographic area than within the same genetic line.

However, in contrast, we will reincarnate with our spiritual family almost exclusively. It is very rare that we experience close ties in our incarnations with someone who is not part of this family, extended or otherwise. Yes, we are all “related” but we have specific soul groups we associate with. I am told this association is along the lines of vibration and experience level. These others are our “family” and their vibration/experience is analogous to the “blood” ties we have with out human genetic family.

Currently, as we continue to peel away the layers of the False Self, we are exploring and clearing both the human genetic line of our current physical body as well as the spiritual one.

Symbiosis

When we come into a physical body we negotiate a symbiotic relationship with it – the mutually beneficial kind. Believe it or not, the human genetic organism is a Being within itself, one with its own experiences and purpose separate from our own. It is very simplistic compared to us but nonetheless it is to be respected as any living organism on planet Earth.

In memories of relating to various bodies over lifetimes, I viewed the bodies I occupied much like I view a beloved pet. I loved each of them. I cared for them, their well-being, their health. I wanted to be with them and did not want them to die. I had a strong attachment to them. To experience the death of my body was like experiencing the death of part of myself. This is the very definition of a symbiotic relationship.

You may not believe this or maybe have never considered it. I was the same until I was shown/Remembered it. I have memory of negotiating with the body I currently inhabit. I approached it when it was still in the uterus, around the six month developmental mark. I was not alone, either. My Companion was with me, helping me and instructing me on how to go about connecting with this body. I recall having to be very gentle with it. I asked permission to be with it, though it was without words. It was more of an energetic exchange where I “touched” it and let it feel me out. It decided if we were to live together in this life, not me. I am grateful for its acceptance.

The relationship is symbiotic in that neither of us could survive without the other. The body needs a spiritual Being to survive. Without one it would come into the world and die quite quickly. The body without the spiritual Being is like an newborn infant. It only has instinct and its body is not developed enough to go about living on its own. Yes, the parents could feed it and provide for it, but without a Spiritual Being to pilot it, it would be devoid of a personality, awareness of self, and the many other attributes that make a human a human. It would, in essence, be a vegetable, maintaining infancy well into adulthood.

The same goes for us as the spiritual Beings who inhabit the body. We cannot experience the physical without a physical body. We offer the physical body continued care and maintenance. It offers us a lifetime of experience in the physical.

dna

Clearing the Human Genetic Line

In June we will be clearing the human genetic line, the line of our current physical body all the way back to its origin point. That’s a lot of clearing. This is the realm of cellular memory. The lives we will review and clear have not, for the most part, been lived by us. As we clear these past human lives, and the memory of them contained in the cells of the body, we are working on a cellular level which includes the genetic level (DNA). The process results in a clean slate on which to build and restructure the human biological being we currently inhabit. Without this clearing the physical form would not be able to handle the immense amount of Light it will be holding in the near future.

The clearing of the human genetic line can easily be confused as clearing the “Collective”. It is not exactly that, but it fits in with this idea because the genetic line is extensive and branches out the farther from the origin point one gets.

So ultimately we are doing twice the clearing – our Spiritual line (our past lives to include multidimentional aspects) and the human genetic line of the physical body we occupy in this incarnation.

Why clear the human genetic line? That cellular memory, well it’s not always helpful. In fact, it usually is the opposite of helpful. If somewhere early in the genetic line there was a strong experience that led to death, that experience remains in cellular memory. These memories can be triggered by similar events and manifest in the present body. Not fun and very confusing for the Spiritual Being who inhabits the body. An example would be if the somewhere way back on the genetic line an ancestor died from drowning. Later on anxiety or other ailments could result when even a tiny part of that memory is triggered. The genetic organism wants to survive so it holds onto any experience that threatens its survival. So the memories are usually not pleasant, full of fear, and highly instinctive.

How will we experience this clearing? Don’t worry, if you have gotten this far you have done most of the work already, most of it without knowing. Some physical manifestations could present themselves but really there is nothing you need to do except be aware that this kind of clearing is occurring. Tuning into your Self and being aware and heart-centered will allow you to avoid being the effect of any unfortunate triggers that may arise.

Oh, and by the way, the spiritual clearing we have been doing, it continues right alongside the clearing of the genetic line. The work continues. More purging is to be expected.

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Messages: Protection and the Diamond Light Codes

Feeling less upset this morning and more calm. I had another emotional purging last night, though. It reminds me of last November and December and how at the end of the day or whenever I found myself alone I would encounter intense emotion and it would just pour out of me. The whole process of letting it out is deeply exhausting. It feels like my insides are weeping and my body cannot contain them so they pour out of me. My entire body lurches. It’s like I am vomiting the emotion and the after effects are no different.

My sleep was undisturbed and deep last night. When I awoke I was given messages and I had clarity once again. It is like a calmness descends over me and I understand everything so clearly. There is no upset at what I am going through and no desire to escape it either. It is so odd yet at this moment I see it as a completely normal and expected part of my transformation process.

Dream: Renovating a Mansion

I had bought a new house/mansion (my greatest potential) and my realtor (guide) was showing it to me. It was enormous, much bigger than anything I could afford or would even think suited me. As we walked inside I was blown away by the beauty and majesty of the place. What was most noticeable was the dark, mahogany wood trim and accents. My realtor was advising me on the renovations (new outlook/perspective). He suggested I replace the wood with a white stone tile. I’m not sure what kind it was but when I saw it in my mind it appeared silvery white, seamless and modern. The lighting was also to be changed to silvery chandeliers. I remember not liking the idea of replacing the stone accents and wood. I asked if it was necessary to even renovate. I recall him suggesting it but saying it was my choice.

Then we went outside to survey the property I now owned. A portion of the fence (barriers) had been torn down along with a foot bridge (connection or opportunity lost). The previous owners had done this. There was also a large dog (untrustworthy) watching us. It was huge, like wolf sized and pure grey. I thought I saw a mask over its eyes like a raccoon (deceit) and felt I needed to stay away. I hurried into the house and closed the door before it came in. It was obviously friendly but for some reason I was wary. The realtor said it belonged to the previous owners and was left behind. The last thing I recall of the dream is that my hair was super long (thinking long and carefully before making a decision), all the way past my knees.

Dream: Stuck in the Dark

Short dream of being beside a large body of water with a group of friends. The water (emotion) was being drained via a huge central drain, similar to a pool drain (need to remove obstacles) but larger. Somehow one of the group got sucked down and stuck in the drain. There was discussion on how to get him out. I mainly recall everything being black (unknown, death) because I became the one stuck in the drain. But I was also the one trying to help free the stuck person. From above I was sending down a light to illuminate the darkness. From within I was waiting in the darkness, unable to see and worried I would drown. Somehow I found an air bubble and survived, though. The light was sent down the drain and I saw it descending toward me. It looked like the flame of a candle. Then I was being released from the dark depths but I don’t remember making it to the surface. Instead I found myself on the surface watching a man as he loosened the dirt (attempt to hide something) around the edges of the water causing it to cave in. His intention was to trap the other me under the water. I was able to stop the man and ran across the land mass near the water. When I looked down I saw I was standing on a dirt colored map (life path) of the world, specifically the middle east – Israel (spiritual unrest). Half of the map had crumbled into the water, though (feeling lost, without direction).

Messages

I drifted in and out of the in-between. During this time I recall receiving a message in pieces. First I heard, “The four directions” and then “protection”. I also heard something about a “5th direction”. I was responding to my guidance as a different version of myself, one with great Knowing and understanding of what I have been going through. I can’t recall my specific remarks but the understanding remains even now.

The end of this section of the Equinox Portal is nearing. This section, like the others, has been working on rectifying the False Self. For me this has been experienced via the arising of my “inner demons”, those aspects of self that perpetuate confusion, self-destruction and self-loathing. They reveal themselves via mental circuitry, or repetitive/circular thought patterns, that are triggered via specific life experiences. Ultimately, when observed they reveal limiting and destructive beliefs from this and previous incarnations.

I was reminded not to allow myself to become defeated by this circuitry but to allow and observe it. When experienced it will feel as if it has overtaken me. I will be drawn into the emotion in a very real and tangible way and past memories and incidents will be revealed. The key is to pay attention to what is revealed through it.

Easier said than done.

These moments of emotion are so dark, so agonizing, that I feel they will kill me. They evoke a feeling of powerlessness that is terrifying. It is as if I am experiencing that moment just prior to death when one knows what is coming – death – but can do nothing to stop it. Is this the Ego struggling against its own death? Or is it something else? I am not exactly sure but I have faint memories, memories that seem to run away when I touch upon them, that cause me to question if any of the experience is even mine. It is like I am flushing out an old, useless version of myself. A self that is already dead but whose tendencies and memories remain. It’s such a weird, surreal feeling yet at the same time it feels completely natural.

The protection part of the message concerns me somewhat. I am left wondering if perhaps I am in danger of becoming totally overrun by the darkness. Is someone or something praying upon me? Do I have an entity attached to me? Or is it something else, some larger, dark force? But then I don’t believe the darkness can really hurt me, nor do I feel a need to avoid it as it is part of the experience of duality. I even recognize that I am fascinated by the darkness. Plus, I have never felt a need to protect myself via visualization or prayer. My guidance has always done it for me when needed, if it even is needed (I still doubt this need).

diamonDiamond Light Codes

There was a brief dream of a discussion with a woman who was showing me a diagram that resembled a baseball diamond. I recall it being drawn like a map and feeling it was for assistance and protection. As I woke from this dream I began mentally speaking in light language, drawing a diamond around me with my hands. It was so streamlined and automatic that it surprised me out of the in-between.

As I emerged from the in-between I heard myself saying, “Diamond Light Codes” and then “Sacred geometry”. I was discussing this with someone and saying things about sacred geometry that indicated a thorough knowledge of the subject. Of course, I forgot it all.

A quick search on Google indicates the Diamond Light Codes and Light Body exist, but I do not have the time or desire to read through it all. Sometimes I get tired of hearing these specialized ascension terms from my guidance. It would be nice for it to simple and straightforward. It would also be nice if all the information coming in and made available matched. Beside, in the end, will any of this information and terminology matter anyway? Not likely. It seems more likely that the information is provided because so many of us humans want to know “why” all the time. What if we stopped asking why and just let it Be? We already Know it all anyway. Feel it and allow it. Who cares what it is called or what the process and steps are. This whole journey and questioning all the time is getting old and tiresome. I got a smile from my guidance from that. 🙂

Edit: After I posted this I recalled that the reason for the protection is not that a particular dark entity is looming in the shadows ready to pounce. It is instead that I am extremely open and empathic right now. My heart space is not only open but expanding (solar plexus and sacral are being integrated) and will remain so as part of a new energetic system/Light Body.

I have received this message before but I guess it just didn’t click. I have to learn to live with being in an expansively open state. I can’t bury the emotion or I will get sick. I have to allow it and protect myself from becoming over burdened and worn out. It will effectively “kill” my body, exhausting my adrenal system and overloading my nervous system if I don’t protect myself, care for myself and listen to my body.

This is part of the “holding more Light” we have all been preparing for. We need to be in top shape physically, but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Any of these that we are not meeting the minimum expectations in will be brought to our attention either via messages and dreams or through outright “assault” on that faculty. So, if you are not physically ready, your body will show you. If you are not emotionally ready, your emotions will show you. And so on and so forth. For me it appears my emotional and mental bodies are not quite there yet. Physically I’m doing much better (now anyway). Spiritually, well I guess I’m okay? lol

I remembered all of this information when I stumbled on this post this morning. She says:

Suppressing your emotions is probably one of the worst things you could do. Numbing them by resorting to substances, addictive behaviors or other forms of escapism will not help in the long run either.

It means also finding strength in our emotions. Allowing the flow of energy and information that moves through the emotional channels to act in your favour, rather than otherwise.

That is (at minimum) a 2-part process:

Detoxification – unburdening the body, mind and spirit of accumulated debris

Recalibration – discovering a new way to exist within a rapidly evolving physical and spiritual climate

Over a week ago I was asked to stop smoking and was told, “These destructive tendencies slow down the process. You must love yourself and your body”. I quit without issue (as is my usual). I was asked to never resume the habit. Strangely I have had absolutely no desire to resume it and the typical triggers have been in abundance! I also tossed out all wine on a whim. Down the drain it went. Yesterday I was asked to do a semi-fast/cleanse/detox. I started first thing this morning. So far I have not even been hungry today and all I’ve had is fresh juice from my juicer, mineral water and a bowl of oatmeal with honey.

 

 

 

 

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Message: Rising Star

Yesterday was another purging day, though not all day just portions of it. At a particularly bad time I burst into tears because I could not bear it anymore. This purging has been off and on since November, 2016! I am nearing the end of my rope and am trying to find any solution, even 3D ones, so that it will stop.  I can’t talk to my husband about it because he doesn’t understand the ascension process and will likely try to coerce me into his own solution to the problem. And I feel unable to reach out to who I want to reach out to for reasons I won’t go into.

So, I began to think my only option was a mental institution and as much medication as I could get in order to numb myself. This, however, is also not an option. I’ve tried it before and even antidepressants and antipsychotics don’t stop ascension, they just make it worse. It would take a tranquilizer to knock me out and then I would likely have traumatic dreams. Waking, sleeping – neither offers much of a reprieve.

If you have ever been up against a wall with no way out, that is how I felt at that moment. There’s nowhere to run and fighting doesn’t work. The only solution is to surrender. Ha! Tell my Ego that! lol The feeling is indescribable, too. It is not depression, but it is…kinda. Fear? Maybe. It’s too weird a feeling and one I’m not use to.

I finally felt my guidance shift closer and heard, “We will come to you.” With that I was washed in calm and all the upset seemed to trickle slowly into oblivion. The feeling of this is also indescribable. Imagine someone pouring cold water over your head to put out a raging fire. Or better yet, its like the sensation of ice water going down you throat into your stomach. A cool, calm.

Even with the calm there remained that feeling just under the surface. I realize now it’s been there all the time, most of my life I think.

terracotta

Dreams and Message

I requested an uninterrupted sleep last night because I was exhausted most of the day yesterday because I was up every two hours. I did some deep breathing and laid in savasana for a while to try and settle into my heart space the best I could. My third-eye was active as was the back of my head. When the energy is strong in these areas I can feel disconnected from my body, but this didn’t happen. Instead I felt my guidance near and they reminded me that I would receive a visit.

Teacher

The dream began with me entering in a building that was obviously some kind of school. I met up with the other teachers and realized quite quickly that this school was unique. One of the first things I learned was that the hours of the school were from 11am-4pm. The teachers were all selected for their mastery in a certain subject/field and all seemed pleasant and positive when I met them.

I remember sitting at a desk during a “study hour” that I was supervising. The children were all high school aged. One hugged me and it felt very comfortable.

On the second day before school there was an incident. I went to assist because that was part of my job. A father was having an argument with his son over a jelly bean. The son had snatched one and wouldn’t give it back. The dad was making threats and got out a loaded pistol, waving it in his son’s face. Somehow the gun ended up on the ground and the dad was escorted off campus. I recall discussing the incident and being told the parents of the children were struggling to transition and often would have breakdowns over mild issues.

Spiritual Geneticist

After school let out, I overheard a teacher talking to another teacher about her spiritual experiences. She had met someone and fallen in love and had a question about why it was not working out as she would like. The connection was intense and very obviously something beyond normal human experience. They sought the counsel of a “Spiritual Geneticist”. I followed them to the geneticist’s office where she appeared to be solving a page of multiplication problems, all of them “doubles” (8×8, 6×6, etc).

As the teacher told the geneticist her story I was drawn in and they allowed me to join their conversation. The woman described the connection she felt, how it came to be and how there were others involved in the connection, too. In my memory all that remains of this information is seeing the woman in front of me and then it is like a bubble of her memory appears. In it there is another couple and a man, so three others. All of them had a connection but her connection with the man was the one she was asking about.

When I heard about her connection to the man I said, “Is he your twin?” The woman thought about it and the geneticist answered, “No, but they are very close.” With this it appeared that the woman’s love was “deceased”. His energy appeared to be in another location, like across the veil that separated her reality and his. I received information clarifying their connection. In my mind I saw an image of my brother-in-law and heard, “He is related to her like your BIL is related to you. They are all close family.” With this there was an explanation about what a Spiritual Geneticist does. It has to do with studying the energetic link (DNA) between family groups.

I remember hearing her description of part of her experience and the geneticist told her, “You are stopping it.” This was a comment in regards to the energy the woman was feeling and her reaction to it. I saw it building from her root upward and then going to her head and forming a huge cloud around it. I said to them both, “That sounds like me but I’m not stopping it.” The geneticist looked at me and said, “Yes you are. You are afraid of it.” I said, “No I’m not.” I looked at the other woman and reconsidered. I said, “Maybe I am afraid.” The geneticist  explained that when the energy was not stopped (allowed) the woman would be taken Home and reunited with her family. It was explained that the love felt will make the fear and upset inconsequential.

A New Earth

Then I seemed to be transported to another location where a man and a woman were with me. They told me we were creating a new Earth. With this I saw an entire city wiped out. It was as if a a huge silver hand descended and leveled the entire world. It was replaced with a city whose buildings were constructed from the Earth. Everything was a reddish color, like terracotta. I stood at the front door to one of these dwellings. There was a small dish of water where the doorbell would normally be. Before a person entered they dipped their fingers in the dish of water. I delighted at this for some reason and said, “I would make it rose water.”

There was much discussion inside the dwelling but I don’t remember most of it now. Instead I recall seeing faces of all types – male and female, all races and ethnicities. Some are still very vivid in my mind.

This is around the time I became lucid and entered the in-between. I stayed here a while and it was as if I was inundated with information. I can’t recall the specifics but when I finally woke I felt relieved and reassured.

yourowntruth

Messages

So much was passed on to me but most I have forgotten now (as usual). What I do recall was seeing my Companion up close. He put my hand on his face and asked, “What do you see?” When I looked closer his face appeared as energy, swirling and of all colors. It seemed silvery and iridescent but at other times was gold and specked with every color. I could also see right through him if I wanted to. He extended his hand and it also swirled with color. As he touched me my hand and arm it began to swirl with color as well.

Then I had a vision of a piece of black paper with silver writing on it. I saw clearly the words, “Rising star” and with recognition of it all the other words vanished and the words “Rising star” began to ascend from the bottom of my vision to the top. Rather than think of this as meaning I would be a “star” as in famous, I understood it as the ascension process. The message about midheaven was clarified then – I am undergoing a metamorphosis, transformation, complete overhaul of the self.

There was much discussion about family and what I am left with now is an understanding that this family is my star family. Of what origins it doesn’t matter as it feels like we have always been. I was told more than once that I will be reunited with them but I suspect this reunion is not physical but spiritual and via the rising of the Kundalini, i.e. the “vertical alignment” I was told would be occurring.

There was a reminder that I have been clearing up residuals in preparation for this alignment. I agreed to this and it is not yet complete. All I am experiencing is part of the transformation. It is difficult but achievable.

 

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There is no Why, It Just IS

Good morning! Hope you are all feeling well and ready to start your day with a smile. 🙂

No, I didn’t have any amazing OBEs or spiritual experiences last night. I don’t recall having a “meeting” with my Council or traveling to other dimensions. In fact, I really don’t remember much of anything from dreamtime. It was a normal day and a normal night. Nothing spectacular, nothing horrendous.

This does not mean I didn’t notice the bombing in Manchester. My prayers go out to the families affected and the nation as a whole as they try and figure out “why” such horrible acts of terrorism continue to occur in their country and the world as a whole.

The reason I am in a good mood and feeling such relief has to do with a question posed to me as I awoke this morning. A simple question asking me to reflect on the similarities between dreams and waking reality. The questions my guidance asks of me are always simple yet the answers to them quite profound in their effect on me.

What Preceded the Question

When I awoke my thoughts went to a specific situation that continues to haunt me. It follows me throughout the day and often comes up in my dreams. I can’t rid myself of it and can’t figure out why – why certain events happened, why I can’t move past it, why, why, why. In other words, I am stuck in a “why?”.

I am a problem solver by nature. I thrive on solving problems and am good at it. My mind is analytical by nature. I can’t help it – Leo sun, Sag moon and Aquarius rising (I blame the air sign for it, though lol). Therefore, I am at my best when put into situations where there is a problem to resolve. I excel at figuring out the “why” in all situations, my own and others. My favorite is solving other people’s problems, though they don’t always want me to or like it when I do.

So, when I encounter a situation where I can’t answer why it happened I get frustrated. In my mind, there has to be a “why” and if there isn’t then it must be because I am doing something wrong. No answer = my fault or failing. Eventually, when no answer is found I fall into apathy and grief. I accept that I failed, that I must have missed something important and that my grade is a big fat “F”.

When I woke this morning there was a certain clarity that I have often awakened with concerning this particular issue. I felt acceptance and relief momentarily but not before I also recognized that this feeling did not match the unresolved situation. My mind went into overdrive thinking, “Wait. This is wrong. I have to know the “why” and haven’t found it.” Then the feelings of apathy and grief came in but not like usual. They were in the background as if to be noticed but not fully felt.

The Question

That’s when the teachable moment presented itself, though I didn’t realize it at the time. My guidance came through and said, “Think about your dreams.”

The last dream of the evening came to me suddenly and I went through it scene by scene. It was a dream about a party where my husband was suppose to mow (reevaluation is needed) the lawn but disappeared. I went looking for him, walking through very tall grass (reliability) flooded with water (emotion). I walked past a recently watered garden (spiritual/inner growth) that was wilting and mostly dead (neglect) and found him working on the mower (keep up appearances), fixing it. I continued past him.

I never saw the lawn mowed. Instead I jumped to another scene. I had gotten into a car and was driving down a four lane highway through a mountain overpass. I could see the cliffs on either side towering over me, rugged mountains in the distance and the blue sky high above. I remember thinking as I was driving, “Where am I going? Why am I doing this?” The answer I gave myself was, “I don’t know and I don’t care. I am just driving.” Thoughts entered wondering about my husband and family. “What will they think?” I was worried about their reaction. My response was, “It will be okay. I can turn around at any time. There are exits all along the road. There is one just over the hill and one after that.” Note: One of the first things my husband told me this morning was, “I need to mow the lawn this weekend. The grass is getting too tall.” HA!

This entire dream came to mind and I thought nothing of it because it seemed to have nothing to do with anything.

Then my guidance asked me, “Does it mean anything?” I said, “No.” But then I understood. It was like a flood of memory came to me. Perhaps we had been discussing this all night?

The word “meaning” seemed to echo in my mind. Then I had the ah-ha moment. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything? Maybe there is no “why”?

grounded-roller-coaster-at-abandoned-six-flags-please-exit

It Just IS

I didn’t linger in bed very long after that. It was clear to me. When we dream do we spend hours, days, months even, contemplating the dream, wondering about it’s meaning or the “why” of it? No. I might spend a couple of hours at most but then my attention goes elsewhere and I usually forget about it. Yet in this waking reality when we have an experience we can spend years trying to figure out the meaning of it. We get stuck in the “why” of it, assuming it must have a purpose or meaning to us. Sometimes we have an experience and even think it must be telling us that we need to follow a certain path or do something we may not normally do. It must be a “sign”. It must have a “purpose”.

Going back to dreams….say you have one of those dreams where you wake up and you think, “Wow! I need to write that down. That was an awesome dream!” Have you ever had one of those dreams? A dream where you lived an entire lifetime in one night? It is so real, so vivid, and so exhilarating that you might write it down or tell someone about it. But do you talk about it for days or weeks….years after? No. It’s unlikely that you do.

Why? <——hahaha yes I’m asking that.

How are your dreams any different from your waking reality?

They’re not. Your perspective is different. In dreamtime we experience only to experience. In waking life we experience only to experience but the big variable here is that we FORGET we are here to experience for the sake of experience alone. We assign value to everything. There are so many “reasons”, so many “fixations” and Time is created, slowing down the experience. Yet, the reality is that that 8 hour lifetime you dreamed the other day is no different than the 80 year lifetime you are currently experiencing. And when you “wake up” from this 80 year lifetime dream you will think exactly the same way you think when you wake up from the 8 hour dream. You will think, “Wow! That was some dream! I need to write that down!” Then you will move on to another experience with little thought of the previous one. You might have made a decision, though. Most likely it was, “I want to do that again but this time I will do this….” Or you might think, “I’ve had enough of that, let’s try this now.”

It’s like when you ride a roller coaster. Do you contemplate the ride when you get off, trying to figure out some deeper, hidden meaning to it? Not likely (if you do, then I can’t help you). You likely feel high, excited, thrilled from the experience. You might say, “That was awesome! Let’s do it again!” Or if it was a bit too much, you might take a break and avoid that ride. But then you move on and there is barely a thought about it later except to maybe relive the thrill in your memory at a later date.

In the part of my dream where I found myself on the highway in the mountains I went through a question answer session with myself. I wondered “Why?” and the answer was simple: “I don’t know and I don’t care. I am just driving.” This is acceptance of the experience in a nutshell. There was no need to contemplate the “why”. The only result in that would be delay and probably lots of emotional upset. Who needs that? Why not just enjoy the experience of the journey? When it’s all over, that will be all you take with you anyway. The other stuff is just baggage. A distraction. The only question that you should be asking yourself is this: Do I want to do that again? Your answer determines the next experience.

So that brings us to the current experience: What about your life experience do you wish to repeat? What do you wish to not repeat? The answers you get determine your next experience. You answer these questions all the time in your thoughts and actions, you just may not realize it. When you choose to remain in an experience you do not like you are choosing to repeat it whether you realize it consciously or not. There is something about the experience you still find enjoyable, some part of the current “ride” you want to experience again.

Sometimes we have an experience that shakes us to our core. We may not want to return to it just yet. We may need a “break”. I am reminded of an actual roller coaster I got on once. It was one of those wooden ones and my experience was anything but pleasant. It shook so much that it made my insides feel like they were shaken up. When I got off I knew I would never get on that ride again. However, another ride I got on took tons of courage on my part. I believe it was called the Cliffhanger. It was one of those rides that dropped you from 8 stories up. For some reason the thought of the ride freaked me out but I eventually tried it. Afterwards I was so exhilarated from it that I think I got on it four or five more times. I couldn’t get enough.

It just goes to show that what you think an experience is may not be what it turns out to be. You won’t know unless you try it. That wooden roller coaster I got on, the one that shook me up so much, I had been on before when I was younger and it didn’t do that. It was fun. Yet for some reason, 20 years later, it literally hurt to ride it.

We change. Circumstances change. Just because an experience was exhilarating and worthwhile before doesn’t mean it will always be. It just means we have learned the lesson and it’s time to try a new one. For me, I had to literally be in pain to not ride that ride again. Sometimes life is that way, too.

How much “pain” is needed to get you to try the next ride?

I think I am going to kick my guides butts the next time I see them. Did you catch that last part? But they are SO right to ask it. I know that for me the “ride” has to be painful or shake me up for me to decide I am done with it. Sigh. I’m such a glutton for punishment. It reminds me of something a friend told me not long ago. He said something like, “As long as you are comfortable, you won’t leave.” Yep. It has to be uncomfortable. Painful even. Or does it?

 

 

 

 

 

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Signs, Messages and Triggers

This is my life
I can choose to accept it
Or I can struggle against it
Whatever I choose is no mistake
But a choice that can be changed
At any time

I have options
though they are limited
by the contracts I’ve agreed to
Sometimes the option outcomes
differ little from one another
It matters not

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Blessed if I do, blessed if I don’t.

It’s all about perspective.

Current Messages and Connections

Quote

Quote from Sense8, season 2: “I’m slowly dying of survival.” This quote resonated with me. It came from episode 6 when one of the sense8’s mentioned how he had been in hiding for 30 years and, though he was surviving, it was a life devoid of meaning or purpose.

Images of Sky

These pictures were taken yesterday on a short road trip to a small town East of where I live. On the way home the sky began to look like gray ocean waves. I was mesmerized by the beauty of it, though, and did not consider it a bad omen. However, I can see how it reflects the emotional state I’ve been in this year. It has often felt like I am drowning.

4/22-4/24 and 12/17

These dates were given to me in the in-between a couple of nights ago. I am not sure of the significance of them but so far 4/22 has me in a very contemplative state. It seems like the past is repeating itself and I am being asked to consider how I want to handle this repetition. I was informed that a meeting will take place on the 23rd, but I am not sure what kind or what for. The 24th has been showing up as significant and connected to the Mayan calendar. However, I was told this is the first day of the last of three sections of the Equinox Portal in the month of May.

As for the 12/17 date, it has been given to me twice now. A friend from Shasta who is an astrologer said this about the December date:

The night of the 17th we have a new Moon conjunct the galactic center setting the tone for a powerful expansive month ahead. This is on the cusp of Saturn entering his own sign Capricorn on the 19th beginning a profound power surge for the next 2 to 3 years. The 17th may be a “meeting” or counsel of the galactics upstairs in preparation for the huge shift that begins on the 19th.

Blinking Aura

Message received two nights ago about my aura was that it was blinking like a strobe light. It caused a reaction in me because I have seen this aura phenomena in people who are nearing and very close to death. My grandfather was one of them. I watched as he went OOB and then would return to the body over and over again. I believe the “blinking” or flashing of the aura that appears much like a strobe light is due to this in/out of body state. However, I have found that others believe it to mean that one’s angels are very close, which could also be true. I have let the message be for now as I am unconcerned one way or the other.

Let Thine Will Be Mine

Received last week and repeated this morning. The message is to allow whatever is to happen, to happen. To trust that I am where I need to be and not assign value or worth to any one experience over the other. They are all equally important and necessary for this journey. Each experience offers its own lesson, its own value, if only I look to find it.

My reaction is mixed. I understand but am furious at the same time. I’m being asked to Trust regardless of what is thrown my way, to accept the good and bad equally. Easy when it’s all “good”, not so much when it turns “bad”. Currently I feel like I have already lived the best part of my life. To live the rest of my life with this ache in my heart is the equivalent of hell to me. My burden to bear alone for the rest of this lifetime. How do I Trust and Allow that?

firefly

Signs from Nature

Firefly –  Landed on the door in front of me in broad day light. Message: Illumination.

Butterfly – Saw a purple Swallowtail butterfly. Thought, “I want him to come see me.” He flew directly toward me, flew around my head for a while, and then flew off. Message: Transformation.

Raccoon – Came to visit a few weeks ago. First time I’ve seen one since moving here in 2014. Last night I had a dream of a dead raccoon hanging up in a garage by a noose. Message: Let go.

Familiar Feeling

The way I am feeling currently takes me back to the year I entered into the darkest part of my Dark Night of the Soul. Back then I felt much as I do now – betrayed, misled and disillusioned. I realized at a later date that the reason for all the upheaval in my life during my Dark Night was because I was unwilling to accept the truth of the situation. I was full of resistance to the point of rebellion. At the time the message I could not accept was that the time was not right for what I wanted and I was to move in another direction while I waited until the time was right. It took me a while to fall into acceptance. Life actually forced me into various upsetting events but once I fell into acceptance things shifted and a path opened up to me. I ended up on a “detour” for 7 years before the timing was right and my spiritual path opened up again to me.

Apparently, “the time is not right” again. I can choose to rebel and resist or I can just allow the path ahead to open up. It seems obvious what I should do but I can’t help but feel outrage at the unfairness of it all. I seem always to be waiting in this life and then, when things finally get good, they last for only a moment and I am waiting again. The “good” times are so few and so fleeting in comparison. For example, after my first awakening I had maybe three good years (1 really exciting one) and then was back to waiting. The wait was 7 years! Three years have passed (2014-2017) with one very exciting and eventful year (2016) and now it looks like I am to wait again. How long? Most likely years. I can’t stand it. I am not patient. Never have been. Knowing a long wait is ahead is excruciating. I want to throw a really, really big tantrum, cross my arms across my chest, turn my back on my guidance and make them pay by following the destructive path (yeah insane right?).  But I know such tantrums only result in more pain on my part. I can go along peacefully or face the consequences.

I’ve been going in and out of insanity for a few weeks now. I will have moments of complete clarity followed by full-on resistance and emotional chaos. I’m super triggered by the events of my life, by people in my life, by memories that surface….everything triggers me. I’m like a bomb waiting to go off and when I explode it’s not pleasant.

Yesterday I woke in complete acceptance and balance. This morning I woke up cussing out my guidance and asking for an “opt out”. This has gotten their attention at least. We’ll see if some revisions can be made. Of course it’s likely when we have our “meeting” I will be the balanced, cooperative me and nothing will be altered at all. I’ll get a pat on the back, congratulations and a job well-done followed up with a “You can do this”.  I’ll be full of love, smiles, and agreement like I usually am when OOB. Big sigh.

 

 

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Anxiety Issues

Another reprieve this morning. No tears. However, yesterday I had a sudden, low blood sugar induced panic attack at the gym. I nearly passed out in the midst of exercising! It was super scary, more than the other times. After this incident I had a headache and felt off for a good three hours.

In considering these scary events I’ve concluded that it is the gym environment that is to blame. I exercise with the same or greater intensity at home and have not once – ever – experienced what happens to me at the gym. In fact, I have exercised with even less food in my system and not had any issue. Yet for some reason at the gym I suffer these “attacks”. What exactly it is about the gym is hard to say. Likely it is the energy of other people combined with the drive home that contributes. My mind goes into “what if” mode inducing the panic and from there it snowballs. Yesterday my thoughts preceding the incident were, “I haven’t eaten enough today. I should have stayed home.” Followed by memories of previous incidents and worries over passing out in a public place. Within a minute of these thoughts my heart rate skyrocketed and I began to lose my vision. So it wasn’t the low blood sugar in and of itself that was the cause.

Anxiety/panic is not a normal for me, but at one point in my spiritual journey I suffered from panic attacks quite frequently. In the early stages, right after I began meditating consistently, I sometimes had panic attacks while meditating and would often wake up with them. These were so bad I literally thought I was dying from a heart attack – chest pains, shortness of breath, pounding heart – the works. Later, from 2011-2013, when I was suffering from major insomnia, I would have panic attacks while driving home from work. Those are super scary! Yesterday, after making it home, the panic remained for a couple of hours and I experienced a similar anxiety to an episode in 2012 where it felt like I was leaving my body via my crown. It is not a typical fainting feeling but more like being sucked upward with such velocity that it terrifies me. I really, really hate it.

Yesterday left me feeling very shaky and concerned. So, I think I will be avoiding the gym for a while, maybe permanently. 😦

Dreams

You would think after such a busy afternoon that I would be exhausted come evening. Well, I was, but I slept super light and woke frequently. I have been awake since 5am. Throughout the night I had vivid dreams.

I spent most of the night traveling by airplane (rising to a new level). In one instance I was in line to buy a ticket (new start) to South America (resolution of conflict). I was with a group discussing my options. They wanted me to join them but I was hesitant. I didn’t want to leave my children, specifically my middle child and oldest son. What is funny is that I swear we were in India. This dream lasted the entire first part of the night and left me feeling split between my spiritual family and my Earth family.

In the next dream I was actually in an airplane traveling home. I decided mid-flight that I wanted to go to a Disney (seeking happiness) theme park and was looking up the locations across the world. I found one in Wisconsin of all places. On a whim I decided to visit. I arrived almost as soon as I made the decision. This “Disney” was not a theme park but more of an aquarium exhibiting sea life. I recall picking up a toy sea turtle (emotionally reserved) while there.

On my way home I realized I lost my debit card (careless, concerned about security) and went into a panic. I had to buy another ticket and recall calming down when I realized I had a credit card and cash. Yet the anxiety “woke” me up and I spent what seemed like hours in the in-between trying to figure out where my debit card was. lol

I entered yet another dream where I was a child (inner child) in a library (seeking knowledge). I recall seeing myself wearing a skirt hiked up enough to reveal my underwear (femininity). Then I was on the floor using a piece of chalk to write a message to myself. I can’t recall the whole message but it said something about a meeting on Thursday. I had thought it was Tuesday but changed it last minute. Later, I erased it to not get in trouble by the librarian but a little girl came by and said, “So you are meeting on Tuesday?” I said, “No, Thursday the 18th.”

Then I was in a bedroom sitting at a double desk. On the left I saw a dying beetle (end of destructive influences) on its back, legs still twitching. I told my sister that since it was on her side of the desk that she had to dispose of its body. I was told by a guide later that it was upsetting to her to have to kill it and I saw her flushing it down the toilet.

When I finally awoke the message about the meeting came to mind suddenly. I thought, “Today is Thursday the 18th.” Yet I recall that the dream was referring to next week because I remember seeing it on the calendar. I also know that Tuesday is accurate and in checking the date it coincides with the message about the 23rd I received recently. As I mulled this over I received a vivid vision that shocked me into full wakefulness. My Companion presented me with a brilliantly colored hot air balloon (elevation, rising above depression) whose basket was filled to the brim with brightly colored balls (wholeness).

I couldn’t go back to sleep after that.

It appears that next week will be an eventful one for me.

by

Waterlogged

Grateful to my guidance for allowing me a full day’s reprieve from the emotional waterfall I’ve been experiencing this month. May is really kicking my butt! I was told we entered another section of the Equinox Portal on May 15th. My daughter’s birthday no less! How fitting! This section will go until the 24th when we will enter the third and final section of the month of May.

I am told the current section is all about learning to “BE”. When I request more info I get an image of a great waterfall – picture Niagara Falls. We are standing at the top and must get to the bottom. The only way down is to jump into the raging water. What happens when one finds themselves caught up in the rapids? They allow the water to take them. That’s what it means to “Be” this time. We don’t do anything really but hang on until its over. Reacting, struggling, attempting to swim amidst the rapids will only force us further under the water. We have to be rag dolls; limp, motionless, unresponsive.

For me at least the waterfall image is fitting. I was forewarned of such a period months ago in a vivid dream. I saw the waterfall but stopped at the top and took a break. Now it seems I am in the midst of it struggling not to be overtaken by it. What happens when we get to the bottom? Rest, I hope. I could use a break. The word that comes to mind, though, is “waterlogged”.

Dreams 

My dreams are becoming more and more memorable the further into May we get. I bring back with me an entire night’s worth most mornings. This morning I woke in tears again but the dream and what was being processes made sense when in the past the dreams did not match the emotion that surfaces.

In this particular dream I was working with a few others acting as their counselor. Everyone looked human but there was a group that were obviously not human. They were referred to as “robots” on more than one occasion. The reason for this name was that they had no social skills, no ability to read the facial expressions of another, to read emotion or to perceive the intent of others. Additionally, they seemed to have no emotion of their own, caring not how their actions affected others.

My own emotion surfaced when I worked with a couple. Neither were robots yet in their hundreds of years together (obviously through various incarnations) they had developed a pattern of repressed emotion. I was working with the feminine energy helping her to contact the emotion she had somehow buried in order to protect herself. I observed their interaction and saw the source and interjected, asking the woman questions to make her inspect the pattern she was repeating. When she did this she began to cry because what was ultimately contacted was love for her partner. Hundreds of years of repression broke the dam in her heart causing the love to hit her like a flood, overwhelming her and literally knocking her to her knees.

When she cried, I cried. And as I woke I understood that the woman was me. That she represented the current feminine energy and the repression of hundreds – thousands – of years of emotion. I saw clearly how the hardening of the feminine heart affected the masculine. It is as if a wall of disconnection and lack has been built between them.

The Dam Has Been Broken

This time the tears did not last long as I understood the source and the reason for all the emotion I have been experiencing. My heart has been blasted so wide open that, despite my trying, I have been unable to close it. In my upset at recognizing this I begged my guidance to shut it down again and was told, “It’s too late” and reminded of when they told me there was no turning back. The result of this openness is the flood of emotion I am experiencing. The dam has been broken and I can’t put it back.

I know I need to be the Observer in this, but this intensity of emotion is so much that I am flattened by it almost immediately. There is no way to just observe this emotion. I have to experience it, confront it, transmute it. It is not just one emotion, either, but a amalgamation of emotion. It would be easier if it were just one emotion at a time, but nope, I get a cocktail of them all. This must be why I keep getting references to drinking and being drunk. Ha!

What is interesting to me is that the feeling of this amalgamation of emotion is very much like the feeling of Divine Love I felt when my heart was first blasted open. It has the same flavor, the same intensely beautiful and simultaneously terrifying quality about it. Perhaps I am getting a crash course on Divine Love? Perhaps this love not at all what I thought it to be?

I am also seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I can survive this. I will survive it. When I plead for mercy, I receive it. This is no punishment, it is merely a process I need to go through. I am fully supported and loved and when I pull myself out of panic mode I feel the love and support.

And in these brief interludes I feel a peculiar feeling that is hard to describe. It is akin to peace but that isn’t the word because I have felt peace and this is different. The feeling is balanced but with it there is surreal almost drugged feeling that comes over me. If I focus on the feeling it seems that I am not even in this reality at all but teetering between realities; walking a tight rope. On one side is this physical reality and my identification with it and on the other is nothingness – a place where I have no identity but am One with Source. If I touch the nothingness I become nothing. I lose my individuality and my memories of this life seem to shatter. The nothingness side of the tightrope is so disorienting that I feel if I fall into it I will never return.