Category Archives: Ascension

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Into the Shadow Self

Are you feeling the eclipse energies? I am and have been for a week at least. I want to make this as upbeat a post as I can, but honestly I am far from feeling upbeat. I feel more apathetic and drained than I have in a  long while. It is like my emotional center is being blocked of all love, all motivation, all desire for anything. I am also angry for no reason and the tiniest of things can make me go off. Similarly, there will be moments when something simple will make me smile and laugh and remember that I am blessed. Those blessed moments are few and far between, though.

I haven’t done a symptom list in a long while. I think now is appropriate.

Tired/drained
Unmotivated
Irritable
Depressed
Bouts of anger
Hopelessness
Questioning
Skin issues (eczema, acne, itchy)
Tooth and jaw pain
Deep sleep
Tons of vivid dreams, some lucid
Loss of appetite
Feeling disconnected from guidance
Internal conflict

Into the Shadow

I don’t talk about what has been termed “Team Dark” (TD) very often, mostly because it is so difficult for me to understand this part of the ascension process. It is, at times, very obvious to me, though, that such a force exists and is influencing this world and my experiences in it.

The reason I am writing about it today is because of this morning’s experiences.When there is a feeling of distance between myself and my guidance, my dreams become the pathway they use to convey to me what I need to know. My Team recently changed out and this new group tends to use dreams and the in-between more often than not anyway.

This morning I had a vivid dream about Star Wars again (third or fourth dream to date). In the dream I was shown two very different parts of myself – the angry, irritable part that seems to dominate now and the happy, trusting and connected part. Basically, I was being shown that my Shadow Self is being exposed for inspection and that this is the domain of TD. Advice was given to not fall victim to the thoughts that tend to arise from this self-defeating part of me. I was also advised to share what I am going through because it will be thematic for many in the coming months.

It is as if we are passing through our own shadow right now. The eclipse in itself is symbolic of this passage. A shadow is cast over it just like a shadow is cast over us as we travel through this period of transformation. Not everyone will feel their shadow self as intensely as I will. To those in this group I say – lucky you! Me, well, I have a tendency to fall into the dark anyway, but this shadow stage is going to really bury me. I can feel it already.

For starters, I tend to feel like everyone – the world – is against me. I get angry and controlling and lash out at those who don’t deserve my wrath. I feel as if I am carrying around a grenade that could go off at any moment. This behavior was very common for me when I was a child but has since been controlled and edited to be socially acceptable. However, these socially unacceptable parts will come up for inspection because they are within the domain of the Shadow Self. These are the parts of the self which need to be nurtured, loved and accepted so that they integrate into the Whole. If not allowed to integrate they continue to control our behavior and set us up for failure and disappointment. Exactly what TD wants, right?

It has been advised that the way to integrate these aspects is to not overthink them or try to analyze them into nonexistence. That is WHY they exist because we have mentally compartmentalized them and partitioned them away, hidden from view. My guidance is encouraging me to feel these feelings, love them as part of myself and disperse the negative energy associated with them through loving acceptance. Additionally, I am being encouraged to tap into my creative side; to express myself through art, sing from my heart, immerse myself in nature, and surround myself with those who I love (even if I want to bite their heads off sometimes). It is through positive self-expression that the Shadow Self can be heard/expressed/integrated.

Of all the healing one can do, this is the most intense and laborious. We’re to those final layers of the onion. Peeling away these last ones will not be easy. I can feel my eyes tearing up already.

How long will this last? Depends on the individual. I was told to expect my journey into the Shadow Self to last through November. Ugh. Not what I wanted to hear. Mini-Dark Night of the Soul? Probably. For some this journey will go all the way through until March, 2017. The sun comes out then for everyone regardless, just in time for Spring.

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Upgrade Time

At least for me. It is going on a week (more?) but the last two days and nights have been over the top. The energy itself is bearable. It is the information with the download that is overloading my system. I am soooooo tired right now. If I could put on the brakes I would, but apparently the only options available to me are accelerate or neutral. Neutral it is. Not interested in accelerating this right now. My mind is fried. My body hurts (back mainly). My eyes can’t focus well. I’m not hungry. My motivation is nonexistent.

This is affecting my family, too. Last night my husband laid on the floor next to me and said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I had an awfully unproductive weekend (insert multiple examples here). Can’t you do something to help? Do I have to ask you for help?” There I am laying in a similar unmotivated fashion thinking, huh? I told him, “First off, your mom went into the hospital. That was your main focus. Second, how am I suppose to motivate you? I can’t even motivate myself!” lol This morning he was saying the same stuff. At 6am! I told him, “You don’t have to be doing all the time. Maybe you just need to not do, feel the feelings you are having, then maybe you will know what’s really going on. Have you thought of that? Maybe you should relax?” He said, “Relaxing for me is doing something productive, like a project.” I told him, “Sounds like you need to give yourself permission to not do. Change your definition of relax.” Then I invited him to come to my mom’s with me and the kids this afternoon (so he could relax lol). He hesitated and said, “Sorry, I have too much to do today.” He should have come with us. Sigh. Gemini’s. lol

My middle son is really struggling today, too. After about 30 minutes of swimming he fell asleep and now he is sleeping again! My mom thinks he is sick but he seems fine. He is just plain exhausted. Me, too!!!

I stayed in the pool probably 2 hours. I didn’t want to get out. Then, when I did get out, I felt so heavy and tired. Afterward, the drive home was tough. I was struggling not to go OOB on the highway. The highway seems to do that to me a lot these days. I see the rows of cars, hear my music playing, and begin to lose focus. It all gets very dream-like and unreal. Sometimes I see the highway like a tunnel or feel like my car is me flying (really cool). I have to tell myself over and over, “Focus.” Thankfully, I don’t stress out or anything. And no, this happens even when I am not tired. Today I had to focus a bit harder than usual.

And the downloads coming in, well, I will just call it a “building up”. My guidance tells me we are approaching an embodiment phase. Lots of us are about to receive a massive download called our Higher Self. Ready? Me, too.

Edit: I just learned that Neptune went retrograde this evening. Since Neptune is pretty much the planet that propelled me into this spiritual journey I am on, this must be significant for me, especially considering I am entering into another spiritual upswing as mentioned in my forecast.

 

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In the Funk No More

Yesterday Mars was the closest to Earth it has been in 11 years! Did you feel it?

For me, the sensation and energy was much like a mild hibernation period. I was not exhausted or mindless, just calm and rolling with the energy. I went to the gym and observed people while I worked out. The energy of most was directed inward. Focus on the Self. Conserve emotional and mental resources. Nourish the physical body. Where usually I get direct stares by both men and woman, there were very few others looking outward and being open to others.

The morning here in Texas was rainy. There was thunder and lightening. It was like the floodgates of Heaven were unleashed. Then, just as suddenly, the rain stopped, the clouds parted and it was blue, cloudless skies. To me this was a message that “All storms eventually pass and clarity soon follows.”

My husband was a continual energy circuit. He was in an organizing and cleaning out mood. I came home from the gym and an entire closet had been cleaned out and our stairway wall was covered in his many oil paintings (and some of my paintings, too). He said, “I should not keep my art hidden away in a closet. I should be proud of it and show it to the world.” lol The wall does look superb.

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So while some of us were being hit hard and retreating because of the intensity of Mars’ retrograde energy so close to Earth, other’s of us were feeling more in our power, at least my husband was. What I found was that by the end of the day this energy helped the communication between my husband and I. We were more in sync than we have been in a long while. Though we didn’t agree on everything, it didn’t matter as he seemed to embrace our differences. He was more appreciative and accepting of my point of view. His receptivity to my offered advice was refreshing. Rather than reject that he was unable to feel comfortable with one choice or another, he accepted his indecision and the fact that it may not be time yet to make a decision or move. Pieces of the puzzle are still needed.

I have found that Mars retrograde has turned my normally decisive husband into a mess of indecision. He has also been extremely lethargic at times, which is very much unlike him. I do not have an issue with stepping into my power and taking control. lol However, some women will find this very, very uncomfortable. If you have men in your life who are unable to do something that needs to be done it is time for you to step up.

So the funk of yesterday is behind me and today I feel refreshed and ready for whatever June has to offer. Hopefully you are feeling it, too – a more optimistic outlook, an openness to change and a surge of creativity from within.

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Preparation for June Shift

If you are experiencing what I am – extreme exhaustion, crown and third-eye chakra intensity, mental fog, inability to focus or keep your eyes open – then you are in the midst of a download right alongside me. I am told mine will last two days, but I suspect that everyone’s experience will vary depending on their individual needs.

We are heading headlong into another extreme energy shift that will begin in June and last until the summer solstice. June will be monumental for many. If you have already sensed that this is true for you, then your guidance has been trying to warn you. Well here is another warning. Caution: Treacherous terrain ahead.

I see a tightrope ahead of me. Balance is key. One cannot remain on this tightrope without remaining focused and maintaining balance. On either side is a pit of molten lava. Whew! It makes me a bit nervous seeing such a vision. Hopefully there aren’t too many others facing tightropes over deep, fiery pits. lol But I am reassured that this is just a warning. The circumstances surrounding this Shift will only be to the extent that you can handle, nothing more than that.

femininepowerWomen especially will experience this Shift uniquely. We are coming into our own power and releasing the bonds that have so strictly confined our creative power and energy. We will take a stand in various ways this summer. What exactly you will feel empowered to do  will depend on what is needed for you to progress in your individual transformation.

This is not a forerunner only transformation either. As a forerunner myself, I often forget to directly address those of the other “waves” who have recently been activated. You are now coming into your own power as a group and taking up the reins of your projected paths. Some of you will be taking over where the forerunners left off – becoming gridworkers, gatekeepers, energy manipulators – you name it. But honestly, us forerunners are not all done, so the transfer will not be all at once. It doesn’t really matter, though, just know that you will hear you own “call” soon enough if you haven’t already.

 

 

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Chapter 5

So much has transpired in the last week that I tend to forget some of what I am told by my Team of guides.

One such tidbit of information was that I had begun Chapter 5. If you have been following my blog for some time, you will be familiar with the chapter theme. I have been given chapter numbers for a while now and Chapter 4 began in March, 2016.

In considering what has transpired since March this year, I will say that indeed my focus was put all on my family and spiritual transformation. Distractions were removed but it took some time on my part to remove them all. I do not recall being asked to channel much in this time period, though. I believe my distraction was the main cause. I was too fixated on a particular issue to be bothered with channeling.

Chapter 5 is about communication and interaction with others. In receiving information about this particular chapter I noticed how this chapter seems very much to correspond with the 5th chakra. In considering this it was confirmed that chapter progression is linked to the Kundalini progression upward through each chakra. This makes complete sense considering I was told there are 7 chapters total.

What I was shown/knew about this next stage in my development was that I was to work on expressing mySelf and all I had learned about mySelf via the most recent transformative process (beginning the fall of 2015). Communication is an essential part of manifestation. You must state clearly what it is you wish to manifest. This involves also being in tune with yourSelf, specifically having a clear and open heart.

Honestly, I don’t feel I have an issue with communicating. If anything, I am too blunt and honest and don’t put near enough thought into what I have to say before I say it. I blame my Sagittarius moon for this personality flaw (or gift depending on how you look at it). Yet there are things I rarely express in words with the people in my life that will need to be said at some point. Most is related to my spiritual beliefs and experiences.

Then there is the sharing of my experiences with others outside of my family. The focus is on face-to-face communication here. Getting out and meeting new people. This is also part of Chapter 5. I will be flying to Mt. Shasta, CA at the end of this week, so this part of my path is set to begin really soon.

Chapter 5’s theme also goes along really well with what my astrological forecast showed would be happening for me starting this summer and ending next summer.

 

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8 Months

I overslept this morning and my daughter almost missed the bus. When I woke up I heard the bus beeping which means the driver was waiting for her. My husband had been awake and never woke her up or prepared her. She flew out of bed and onto the bus unprepared. I made him take her what she forgot but I really wish I could rely on my husband for something so simple. I needed the extra sleep!

My tiredness is just increasing. I suppose the major geomagnetic storm a couple of days ago is the culprit. During the day the constant message/knowingness I am getting is to focus on life and get my shit together. For what? I have no clue, but apparently I need to do some things.

There was a message not long ago about integrating. It came to me quite suddenly and makes sense. The living between two worlds sensation that I have been experiencing since 2003 has long become my normal but I have always felt a distinct difference between the two worlds I have lived in. Now it seems that that distinction is fading. The two worlds seem more and more blended. My waking life is an active integration of the two. No longer are my spiritual experiences distinctly separate from my mundane experiences. The two are becoming one and the same.

There is a part of me that desires for the separation to remain. There is a sadness that this time is coming to an end. Yet I know that this integration of the two worlds within me is meant to be an example for others because eventually this will be everyone’s experience.

I hate to tell you this (those who are just beginning this journey or those who have not yet taken that first step) but the integration, the embodiment, is not looking to be some grand enlightenment or explosion of knowingness. From the way I am seeing it now, it just seems normal. Yes, I have had some grand experiences, some intense moments of knowingness, some enlightened periods where I feel the Oneness and vastness that is Me/We. But like all things experienced multiple times from within this human form, I have become normalized to the experience. It just IS.

I’m not saying all the work has not been worth it. Nor am I saying that I am done. We are never truly “done” anyway. What I am saying is that life keeps on and so do we regardless of the spiritual experiences and advances we have made. Life in itself IS a spiritual experience within the limits of the physical.

That vision I had of myself in 2003, of walking between worlds – on one side the physical/mundane/3D reality and on the other side life in Spirit/4D/5d and beyond – those two worlds are merging. Within US. Every day my life reveals to me how those two worlds are being experienced as One and the same. It can be amazingly beautiful but at the same time very intensely harsh and eye-opening. The days of retreating into my spiritual haven are gone. My haven is everywhere and in everything now. My spiritual experiences are now mixed into my waking life and my waking life is now mixed into the spiritual.

My mind is undergoing a major change in and of itself. This is where the blending of the two worlds is most noticeable. I have memories surface in my waking hours that are not from this timeline. This is now normal to me and I just let it flow. For example, I had a memory of a woman that I met and knew to avoid her, yet I had never met her in this timeline and as soon as I realized that, the memory of her vanished and could not be contacted. I will also catch myself having conversations throughout my day about things unrelated to my current life but very obviously related to another life in some other timeline. Sometimes they are conversations with my guides and other times they are full interactions with individuals not related to my guidance. This is my experience of the merging of the two worlds. This will also be everyone’s experience in some shape or form eventually.

Incidences such as these will just increase. Thankfully I am not confused by them as I have learned to navigate my mind and these timelines as if they are in this one. It does intrigue me when I become suddenly aware of these different lives/timelines and I use to try to seek out more information. I have learned this is pointless as my focus needs to be here, in this moment. Besides, I can choose to put my attention wherever I want whenever I want.

The challenge for me is to change my way of thinking of these two worlds. Well right there – TWO – hahaha! That is false in itself and I need to change my thinking right there. In considering the two as separate I constantly desire to be on the other side. This side I relate to as the world of Spirit, the Divine, the inexpiable, the limitless, the infinite and eternal. This side I relate to all that I feel I am not or am not able to be/achieve within this reality. My heart knows this separateness is false. My mind still needs to adjust. Majorly. lol

So now I understand what is to occur in the next 8 months. My mind needs to catch up to my heart. The integration period needs extending. My poor mind is still stuck in duality. Even as my experiences show me daily that this is false, my mind habitually shifts into rationalizing every experiences to match the reality it wishes to create. The movie screens of the mind and the heart need to be synced. The two must project the same image.

 

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Dream: Heart Maze

I went to bed with questions, lots of them. One in particular was about the coming ReUnion phase.

Dream: Heart Maze

I was having a discussion with someone I know from the internet. I could hear her very clearly and she had a distinct accent. I am not sure what kind of accent it was, but I remember seeing her screen name flash in front of me several times. She was addressing my fears about the ReUnion phase and what it would mean for me.

There is much missing from the dream now because it was the first dream of the evening and I awoke right after. I thought about writing it down but was too tired and so set the intention to remember it. I should have written it down.

In the discussion I do recall that she directly answered my question about whether the phase meant I would meet more individuals with whom I had a strong heart connection. I don’t feel I can handle anymore such connections and so was worried more were coming. She said right out, “It is inevitable.” hahaha

She then showed me why it was inevitable. There is little memory of her words now, but the images are quite vivid. I saw the human heart up close. Inside of it was a maze. It looked like one of those maze games inside of a small plastic container. The object of those games it to get a tiny silver ball through the entire maze just by moving the container.

I saw the “heart maze” and inside was the tiny ball. The woman explained that the paths of this maze were not clear. Sometimes I would come up against resistance. I saw then a blockage in the maze that looked like a small piece of debris. The silver ball could not pass through. She explained these were emotions and that in order to remove the blockages I must allow the emotions to flow. It was stressed that too much focus on the emotional debris would keep it in place.

I remember she told me that these connections were a blessing and to welcome them with open arms. She was very encouraging and positive. The overall feeling was that these connections were mutually agreed-upon and spiritually supportive. A blessing and a gift.

I wish now I could remember everything she said, but the feeling when I awoke was that the heart connections were meant to help clear these blockages. The connections blow through several blockages and clear more of the path than if they do not occur. I remember making a mental connection with the video game Pac-Man. The connections give me super powers to blast through the blockages. lol

I awoke feeling very grateful to my friend for helping me with this understanding. However, I am still not looking forward to the ReUnion phase. I think I prefer clearing out my blockages one at a time to gaining superpowers from a partnership. lol

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Clean Slate

Yesterday was a tough day. I should have expected it after the intensely emotional dream experience I had. Then this morning more was revealed as to why there has been such a lack of anything spiritual for me for a couple of weeks now. Apparently there has been an upgrade underway for some time and it will continue for some time more. I am not liking this particular upgrade at all, either, for it seems to have almost completely shifted me into the me that is not interested in life or living.

My mind continues to fixate on what I seem to have lost. For example, I went into a depression yesterday because I suddenly felt as if I would never have anymore spiritual experiences or deep heart connections in this life. I desperately missed (still do) the heart fire I had not long ago. It made me feel alive and loved and so many other things that I cannot describe. All connection that was once there seems to have disappeared almost completely and been replaced once again by the endless emptiness that has been with me most of this life. And once again I can’t help but wonder, “What the (expletive) is wrong with me???”

I want to be clear, however, that my guidance is still present. My Companion specifically is communicating with me but the connection that comes with him is nearly imperceptible. The connection is what I miss the most and even though I hear from him reassurance that all is well and going as planned I feel as if nothing is going to ever be right again. My future seems empty, devoid of feeling and pointless.

On top of all this, my sleep is still limited. I keep waking too early and am unable to return to sleep. This morning it was 4:45am! And when I awoke I was furious, demanding to be allowed to go Home (really!? so tired of that!) and it took me quite a while to calm myself down. I did this mainly by tuning into my heart and focusing on my many blessings. It is funny how often I shift into focusing on what I don’t have rather than on what I do have. I began to mentally list what I was grateful for (thanks Rick) and before I knew it I was feeling relaxed and drowsy. Unfortunately, I had to get up at that point to start the day, but at least I was in a far better mood.

Clean Slate

Despite the disconnection I’ve been feeling, there still comes through brief flashes of memory; messages from my counterpart. One particular memory is of being presented with the “new” me in energy form. It is best described as an energetic template because it is seen as an energy body of an electric-blue streaked with purple and indigo. It is spectacularly beautiful and when I see it in my memory I want to exhale and cry tears of relief. The feeling is that this energy template comes with the exchange. At some point I will literally drop my current template and take on this new, clean one. The one I occupy currently feels dirty in comparison to the new one. I understand that the dirty feeling is the debris I am currently clearing. In order to step into the new template I must clear the old one. I don’t really understand why that is. All I know is that I am extremely tired of how long it is taking to clear the old one. The more I try to clear, the more exhausted and apathetic I become. The current issue in front of me feels like an impossible mountain. When I think of trying to climb this mountain, I get extremely tired and disinterested.

So I am back to square one it seems. One step forward, two steps back. I’m trying to remember all the lessons I’ve learned along the way; to not become bogged down by my mind and stay in my heart. It is extremely difficult to do this when it appears I’ve been left on my own. Boredom poses an obstacle, too. I was told last night it was a good lesson for me to learn. Heard  a chuckle along with the message. I don’t see it as a fun lesson, but then my Companion knows that. Patience and persistence are needed. The heart will provide these things if only I can stay there long enough.

 

 

 

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Message: We are the Watchers

Upon waking this morning, there was a group around me which I could perceive quite distinctly. They have a different energy than what I am use to and they spoke audibly and quite differently than my other Visitors. This was their message:

We are the Watchers.

Protect yourself.

Do stop mindheadedness.

The drums will be felt round the world.

The drums signal the climax of the Shift.

There will be a great catastrophe.

One that will be Remembered.

We gather en masse to prepare.

All must prepare.

I have never had a message from those who call themselves the Watchers. I had to research it some just to get my bearings. What I find interesting is that lately I have been drawn to reading the Book of Enoch. Now, when I read about the Watchers, I see the Books of Enoch mentioned.

According to Wikipedia, the Watchers are angels. Some are fallen, some are not.  I did not read into the “good” angels and “bad” angels too much because I do not doubt that those who send me messages are not of the “bad” sort. However, the Book of Enoch synchronicity intrigues me. I am very tempted now to read all three books.

I cannot stop thinking about the reference to “the drums”. When I received this part of the message, I felt the drums. It was as if my heart began to pound more strongly inside my chest and it was very eerily silent. The feeling was this was very, very important and to feel for the changes coming for it will be felt, not heard as drums usually are.

Sign

After I woke up and was eating breakfast, I looked out the back window at my husband and three kids who were sitting on the porch swing that looks out upon the creek and trees of our back yard. I saw very vividly a piece of paper attached to the rope swing. Seeing this, I opened the door and said to them, “Look, someone left us a note on the swing.” My husband and children asked, “What? Where?” I pointed it out several times, each time focusing upon it as best I could to make out what it said. I saw clearly the pattern of a letter with the greeting, body and signature. I wanted to know what it said so I kept trying to get one of my kids to go get it.

That is when I realized there was no letter at all. It was the board of the swing reflecting sunlight in such a way as to create the illusion of a hand-written letter attached to the rope. I felt a bit awed at this and then joked with my daughter when she asked, “What does it say?” I said, “It says ‘Don’t swing on me'”. Then I told them about the optical illusion. Later they all went swinging on the rope swing. They don’t listen any better than I do. lol

I was thoroughly convinced that someone had left a note for us. It took me a while to realized I had been fooled by an optical illusion. Even after realizing it wasn’t a letter I kept looking to make sure. The whole time the above message was going through my mind and I knew the message was the letter. I need to share it even if it did seem quite negative.