Category Archives: Ascension

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Dream Theme: Exploring Sexual Conditioning

Lately, I have been questioning Human Design, specifically the idea that certain aura types generate energy and others don’t. The idea that some auras don’t generate their own energy lends one to believe that those types then are “vampires of energy”, having to rely on generating types to have any energy at all. Otherwise, they are easily exhausted and unable to do much. I don’t believe this to be true.

As a non-energy type Projector, I’ve rarely if ever find myself exhausted like this when alone. Technically, since I don’t generate my own energy, I should be a total sloth or at best someone who is forcing herself to wake up and move around throughout the day. Yet, here I am, with plenty of energy, exercising 5 days a week, working full-time, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc, and I still manage to have energy at the end of the day. Sure, I live with 4 Generating types, but they aren’t home with me 8 hours of each week day. So, how then, do I happen to have so much energy for all the tasks and things I do all day?

What I see in HD FB groups I’m in is young Projectors justifying their lack of energy because of their Type. They say, “I’m too tired” or “I just can’t exercise like I want, I just want to sleep.” Huh? I just don’t have that reality. “I can’t” usually only happens to me when I get sick and that is rare. I am always moving around and I find that I have extra energy – which, BTW, makes sense because I have so many Generating types around me. Exercise helps me process that energy and keeps me balanced.

I remember my Projector friend being tired often when we were young and she still seems to be like this. I never understood it. Why is she always so tired when I’m not if we are the same Type?

The most that happens to me when around too much activity/energy is I get grumpy and need to get away for a while. But, I am also a 2nd line, and this is common. I spend most of my time alone and am very particular about who I spend my time with. Is this why I am not tired? IDK.

When I was a teacher around kids and people all day, I ended up with major insomnia. This was from all the energy I picked up during the day. I just couldn’t release it all there was so much. Once I dropped full-time, that stopped. So, for me, the only downside is that I end up with too much energy and struggle to release it all.

I think, perhaps, people are just misunderstanding the idea of “energy type”. All auras create energy and have sufficient amounts to sustain the organism, otherwise we would be dead. lol My theory is that the Types in HD are referring more to how the aura functions than to how much energy a person has or is capable of generating. So then, yeah, Projectors would accumulate energy and need to release it, but this doesn’t mean they don’t have energy otherwise!

Okay, now to my crazy dreams.

Dreams with one theme last night. I also woke frequently and slept much lighter than I have been.

Dream: Escort Wagon

I’m inside a small house, or maybe a tiny house. When I think of the space, I think of a gypsy wagon or something similar. Yet at times, this small space is very large and resembled the inside of a modern home complete with large, spacious kitchen and floor to ceiling windows. I also know I’m in Montana (mountains, spiritual journey).

There is a discussion behind the dream scenes that I occasionally catch pieces of. There is enough information to recognize that I have been given an opportunity to select from a group of men the man I want to have as my sexual partner. It feels like someone has gifted me with a gigolo, or male escort, but I am undecided on whether to accept the gift or not. 

I recall being in a very nice kitchen (seeking nourishment, wisdom) with white, marble countertops, thinking specifically, “I don’t need a man. I can pleasure myself.” This is my strongest argument against taking advantage of the offered gift. I don’t see why I should bother with a man and all that goes along with one – their tendency to latch onto me and not let go, their expectations, their projections – all to curb my own desire. 

Then I am in the living room. I am aware of men in the space with me. I believe there are three, but I specifically see two. Somehow I know these men are “from Montana” and I take note of this in the dream. They both have full beards (masculinity) that are very bushy to the point that the hair covers so much of their faces as to obscure their facial features almost entirely (trying to hide something). One man is very confident and explaining to the other man the “job” of escort. He struts around me and the other man, shoulders back, chest high, proclaiming his vast expertise and knowledge of how to pleasure a woman. 

The other man remains quiet and his eyes are big. It is clear he is new to the job. He is happy to let the other man win. 

The whole time it feels like I am suppose to select one of the men to be my partner. 

The men in the house all begin to exit out the back door except the two standing in front of me. The over confident man chooses to take the dog outside for a walk. It feels like I direct him to do so but have no specific memory of this. I turn toward the window and locate the light switch (seeking illumination). There are three switches and I switch them on, one by one, to see which one illuminates the back yard. I am able to turn on lights that extend all the way back to the edge of the property. They are like flood lights but they only stay on a moment and then flicker off. I try to get them to come back on, but only get the front lights to illuminate. I say, “There must be something wrong with the electrical.” I see the man walking the dog outside and then turn back towards the other man.

I take the hand of the other man, the quiet one, and pull him towards me. I turn back to face the window as I wrap his arms around me, asking, “Are you nervous?” He is standing behind me, pulling me close, both of us facing the large windows. He says nothing. Instead tilts my head towards his own and gently kisses me. My lucidity must peak because I can feel and taste his mouth on mine (and I don’t feel a beard). He kisses me gently again and I hear him say (telepathically), “Let me try that again”. I feel my lower chakras begin to light up. 

Just as I begin to fall into the ecstasy of the moment, I am rudely pulled out of the dream by a guide asking, “Why did you choose him?” 

Conversation

Awake and a bit grumpy at the guide who intentionally pulled me out of a wonderful dream, I reluctantly answered his question. I said, “Because he is new to this. He is like me.” This answer came with a recognition of my feelings about the other man, the over confidant one. Though he likely would be the better lover because of his experience, his conceit was unattractive and I felt that if I selected him I would put myself at a disadvantage because I didn’t feel to be his equal. He would have total control and I would be completely at his mercy. To voluntarily put myself in such a situation would leave me vulnerable.

Yet, there was a part of me that was highly attracted to the over confident man and desired nothing more than to submit to him fully.

What is funny is that a scene from a nature show I saw long ago came to mind. It was about chimpanzees. The alpha male went around beating up the other males and having sex with all the females in front of the lower males to prove his dominance. Yet, when the alpha male was distracted, the females sought out the lesser males and had sex with them. lol 

I wondered just how much of my dream selection was based upon a similar pattern, engrained in my genetic makeup, that continues to play out. 

A discussion commenced on my rejection of the over confident man. I told my guidance that I didn’t trust that my feelings were my own. I cited my completely open solar plexus specifically. A completely open center means the person has no defined way of taking in information so they end up taking it in based upon those who are defined or have channels/gates to that center. The solar plexus is the emotion center. Since mine is completely open, the emotion I feel is fluid and has no definition at all. I amplify the emotion of others instead. So their feelings feel to be mine, but they aren’t. I can become easily confused by this, thinking I feel one way only to have that feeling completely vanish when I am not in the vicinity of that person. 

I told my guidance that I feel I have no real emotion because of this openness and they said otherwise. They asked me to think of how I feel when alone. I mostly just feel bored, but I do experience a wide range of feelings like anyone else. And if no one is near me, these feelings must originate from me. However, they can become what I think I should feel (Not-Self) based upon conditioning over the years, especially since I have a completely open head center. The completely open head center seeks to find meaning in everything. So I feel something and think, “It must mean ____” rather than just letting the feeling flow naturally without any conditions attached to it. Then I have a completely open heart center that causes me to feel no motivation or desire toward any one thing. So I think, “I feel ____ so it must mean ____ and I should do _____.” This is my mind and not my strategy and authority BTW.

Lots to think about. lol

Now wide awake with a persistent guide that continued to ask me to review the dream, it took me a while to return to sleep. 

Dream: Male Escorts

It seems the dream lesson was meant to continue. This time, though, I found myself at my mom’s house and my old bedroom. I was feeling very sexual and wishing I had a partner but preferred one that came with no strings attached. My consideration was still that I needed to be very careful because the men I’ve been with in this life tend to latch on for dear life. 

Again, I was talking to someone behind the scenes and a male escort was suggested because there would be no strings attached. I found an advertisement in a magazine and called the number. A man answered and I told him what I wanted, though I was somewhat embarrassed when I said it aloud. 

Within moments three men were in my bedroom with me, yet I was still talking to the main one on the phone. I was hesitant yet again, arguing that I could easily pleasure myself. “I don’t need a man”, was what I said/thought. This mirrors my thoughts in real time, too, as my experiences with men has left me preferring to leave them out of the act altogether. 

This is when the three men began to send me images of what they could do for me and began to sway my decision toward inviting them to join me. The overall message was “the more the better” in terms of pleasure. 

I remember being more curious about one of the men over the other two. He was a normal looking man (no beard this time lol) and I didn’t recognize him but then there was something familiar about him. I seemed to know he was there for a reason and memories of other times I’ve had dream encounters came to mind. I met my heart connection in the dreamstate over a year before I met him online. And another connection came in my dreams beforehand, also. Both times there was recognition – Knowing – that the men were not just dream characters but an aspect of a living, breathing person visiting me. And in this dream that same recognition was present. This man exists somewhere in the world and is visiting my dreams. Whether he is conscious of it or not, I can’t say. 

There was still a discussion on-going behind the scenes. It was about my attitudes and beliefs regarding sex; what is “good” and “bad”, etc. There was shame behind the sexual visuals I was receiving. Shame at how they made me feel because I have been conditioned to think of desire as “bad” and “sinful”. I remember thinking it important that protection be used and being reassured protection would be provided.

Eventually, I hung up the phone but not before the man I kept feeling drawn to asked me for my credit card information and address. I was concerned that he would misuse the info, but someone reassured me that he could be trusted, so I gave it. He looked at me in such a way as I began to panic a bit because I saw/felt something in him. It was a feeling I’ve had before from a dream encounter. It was an, “Oh no” feeling. Yet when he left, I had this urge to follow him.

I ended up outside my bedroom standing in the kitchen. I found some people having dinner together. One lady looked at me and asked me something but my attention was on the two young men with her. I saw one go out the front door. The other was at the table. The feeling I got was that I didn’t belong there and these people were suspicious of me. It is a feeling I am use to.

More Discussion

When I woke I was concerned about the man I met in my dream and still had that “uh oh” feeling. My guidance wanted to talk about something else, though. 

The discussion shifted to my environment specifically. They said, “We want to help you with your space.” I received much more telepathically about what they meant. They indicated that I needed to feel safe in my space and reminded me of my Human Design environment – Markets-Internal. Though I have created my own space, I do not feel safe in it. I don’t feel I have much control over who enters or leaves it. On top of this, I rarely if ever invite anyone into my space. A person with Markets-Internal thrives when they have a space of their own and invite others into it, others with similar interests to their own. The space becomes a safe place where ideas and knowledge are exchanged. 

I was immediately reminded of my place in Denton, the place where I first practiced as a Psychic/Medium. I lived there alone with my dog but the living area was arranged to create a space for me to give readings. I had many, many people come into my home and receive readings and healing from me. I also worked part-time from a spiritual shop and had my own little space there where people came to me for readings. 

The thing is, I rarely invite people into my space, not socially anyway. I can’t see how inviting people would work for me anyway. As a Projector, my job is the wait to be invited, not initiate. Additionally, I am part Hermit, so I don’t like people in my space, at least not just any people. I have to know and trust them. 

It is interesting, though, how all the right people and situations just came to me. This was because I was in the correct environment. I know that now. Invitations come more readily when in the correct environment. 

It is obvious that I am not in the correct environment now. 

My guidance told me, “Don’t worry. We will help you.” But I felt somewhat hopeless. A song came to mind, though, which feels like reassurance.

Messages: “Don’t give up” and you’ve “got stamina”. 😉

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Walk-in/Walk-Out

The fatigue and heavy eyelids period seems to have passed and I’ve returned to my typical sleep patterns. I miss the great sleep but it was beginning to make me feel like a sloth during the day. Happy to have my energy back! Not sure how long it will last, but it sure is nice to have the cobwebs cleared away and my focus back. I still have mommy-brain (does it ever go away?) but that’s okay.

When the fatigue stopped, clarity took its place. Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. I felt good and even exercised without incident. There was a realization that I have been resisting the flow of life because it is not going fast enough and change is not perceived. There are things I would like to see change but it is not the time. My guidance has been trying to help me Remember this is part of my path. They mention I have made a “commitment” and I assumed its meaning rather than recognize the word itself doesn’t give any indication about who or what I committed to.

I was led to return to my Walk-In Life blog and saw my last post was in April, 2020. I thought it no coincidence that it has been exactly a year. The post itself was positive, indicating a preparation and integration period. 

Interestingly enough, last week I was reminded of the walk-in experience and how I have been in a very long integration period. Many of the feelings I have are typical of this period: sadness, overwhelm, feeling unable to change the world, falling into the walk-out’s old patterns (letting her take the reigns because of overwhelm). All are typical, especially becoming lost in old patterns and behaviors.

It can take years and years to integrate after a walk-in event(s). A common amount of time is 7-10 years, though it can be sooner or later depending on the individual. It is easy to end up lost in the old because of friends and family member’s expectations that you remain as you were. The pressure to be the old version is high. For me, it feels like it is all part of “the plan”. This plan stems from the need to complete the karmic lessons of the walk-out. She is/I am a mother to three children. That doesn’t just go away. Yet being aware of all that I am, it is hard to live within both realities simultaneously. So my solution was to shut myself off from my spiritual Team/Home out of an inability to reconcile what I experienced and how I’d changed with the rest of my life and the world as a whole. However, shutting it out completely only led to my current predicament. I have to return to the balanced version, the me who can navigate both worlds and remain centered throughout.

Along the way I have had encounters with others who were called in to assist me. Their goal is to help me Remember so that I do not become completely lost in this dense reality and go off path. I see now how a particular individual was meant to help me with this. The way he entered and left my life, each time shaking me up just enough to remind me of my higher purpose. Each time the small self won out with her fears, considerations and survival inclinations becoming primary to everything else. It is a struggle to shift away from old patterns, habits and beliefs, even when faced with the extraordinary. The saying, “If it’s seems too good to be true, then it probably is”, comes to mind. Yet I have experienced something that is beyond just “good”, so that reasoning is obviously faulted.

Duh. If I had only been paying more attention! But then the process itself is more important than any regrets I might have because it has taken me step-by-step to this moment and thus prepared me for what is coming next. 

Walk-In

In case you are not sure what a walk-in is, here is a quick explanation. In some cases, a walk-in describes the process of a new soul coming into a physical body. The walk-out is the old soul who has decided to leave and rather than waste a perfectly good body, the walk-in takes over. It is prearranged and is NOT possession. This is the least common walk-in scenario and often goes along with a major physically traumatic event such as a NDE. In other situations, a walk-in is simply a higher aspect merging with the lower aspect. Often times the lower aspect has many soul fractures or splinters leaving it unable to complete its soul mission without assistance. Again, trauma is involved but not necessarily an NDE, though it is possible that the individual may have had a NDE.

My experiences align with the second definition and it is my understanding that many walk-in’s in this present time period are this kind of walk-in. It is part of the ascension, which is essentially, by definition, the walk-in process (higher self descends to meet with lower self to create a more whole, centered and aware version). The result is the small self (Ego) is put in the back seat of the car (life path/body vehicle) and the Higher Self drives – which is how it is suppose to be!

There is no one-size-fits-all walk-in experience.

As a result of this Remembering (the walk-in integration process and all it entails), I have been tuning in more frequently and speaking/singing in Light Language again. My energy body immediately responds. I literally feel lit up. The bliss begins in my chest and spreads outward in waves. I’ve stopped retreating or pulling my energy in close and have started to open back up, reaching out to receive, and receive I do! And in doing this I realize that I have chosen to ignore or turn my back on the bliss state because (like I said above), “It must be too good to be true.”

Other walk-in’s, those I’ve met in the past, speak in Light Language frequently – daily. It immediately increases ones vibration. There is no doubt about it. But even without speaking in Light Language I can tune into the bliss just by settling into my heart.

Recently when I was focusing on my heart I felt/saw a pool of water there. It was like my entire heart space was a vast lake. I imagined myself floating on the water and fell into waves of bliss. So I keep falling into the water, diving even, and then just float there. Sometimes it is so beautiful that I start to cry. The bliss is there, all the time, in me! And in you, too, if you look for it.

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Re-Calibration and Dream

Woke up this morning realizing that I am probably done with the spiritual work of my past. Meaning, I’m most likely never going to do readings or mediumship or medical intuition or any of those things to the extent that I did before I got married. Other, younger individuals, are taking up those reigns. They are the ones receiving the communication and having the expansive experiences now. It kinda made me sad to think of it but then I know this is part of the cycle.

There is a super moon right now and I had hoped for some experiences in my sleep. Kundalini would’ve been nice. A trip OOB like I use to have, visiting ETs, other worlds and living/breathing space ships would have been good, too. Nope. I just had a dream where I was outside, climbing in a tree telling my husband I am going to quit school and watching cars drive at night without headlights. WTF? lol

I know my guidance advised me not to look too much into my dreams, but here it is anyway:

Dream: Quitting School

I find myself suddenly standing outside the elementary school I attended in 5th grade. I am at the back of a line of young students, about five to ten feet from the group. A teacher is asking them to be quiet and fix the line. She is making threats like, “We will stand here until you can listen, even if it takes all day” and “Everyone get five others to follow directions”. The kids are trying to stand in a straight line but they are struggling. Some want to wander, others are just not understanding what “straight” means, and still aren’t listening because they are talking to their friends or just distracted by the world around them. 

As I watch, I recall being the student and the teacher and going through this routine. I wonder, “Why is it so important that the line be straight and the kids don’t talk?” I think how the new generations will challenge those who attempt to get them to do things that make no actual sense and serve no other purpose than to force them into submission. 

As I am standing in line, I am able to see and experience the scene from all perspectives. I have 360 degree vision. As a result, I turn and face myself, zooming in on my body standing there observing. I realize I am wearing my night shirt and long pants. I return to my own perspective feeling a bit confused and worried that I am not properly dressed. I think I should ask the teacher, “Do you have a school shirt I could wear?” But I don’t ask. Instead, it feels like an outside force pulls me back out to take another look at myself. My visual field is focused as if looking through a telescopic lens. It zooms in on the front of my t-shirt where a large rose is centered over my chest. I am reminded of a similar occurrence the night before where this rose was illuminated. I feel/Know it is a message.

The scene shifts. I am in a void but recall talking to my husband or someone who feels like him. I recognize that I am attending school a second time around and, as is a common theme in my dreams, I protest this because I have already graduated. I think (or maybe it is suggested) perhaps I could learn something new by retaking all my classes? I recognize this is possible because I always find more info on second, third and even forth reviews of subject material. The possibilities are infinite. 

Then I find myself in front of my house. It is early morning and still dark. I hear and then see my husband across the street. He has our dog, Monty, and is crossing the street to get a ball. Our neighbor is a bit down the road and out of sight walking her own dog. The ball is hers. I yell to my husband to be careful of cars and to not draw her dog out into the street.

This is when I realize I am up in a tree. It is a small tree with thin branches standing no more than eight feet high. I am observing the scene from the tree and realize the conversation about school is on-going as the scene unfolds. I tell my husband (or someone who feels to be with me), “I’ve decided to quit school. There is no point in redoing all the coursework when I’ve already graduated. I can just stop attending, so I’m done.” When I say this I feel freed of the conditions I’ve found myself in. I realize it is my choice and no one can force me to go to school. I briefly imagine the scene at the beginning of the dream where the children are in line. I imagine myself saying to the kids, “You don’t have to stand in line. Come with me this way!” and then inviting them to follow me off to explore and be free. 

I climb down the tree as I say this and watch as a car drives down the road toward my husband. It’s headlights are off so it is nearly impossible to see the car. I yell a warning and see another car coming from the opposite direction. Again, it’s headlights are off. I walk toward the edge of our yard. My neighbor is walking to her house with her dog. I say, “Why don’t they have their headlights on? It is still dark.” She says something like, “Yeah, I know!”

My lucidity peaks at this point and I wake up.

Considerations

Upon waking I was feeling very disappointed and depressed. The realizations I wrote at the beginning of this post came to me. It feels like it is all over – like my work is done. I don’t see the point of continuing in this life and body as I cannot see or even feel what path I would take. 

As I was thinking this, I felt a pull toward my guidance and felt all at once to be receiving large quantities of information but there were no words. Whatever I was told, though, caused me to calm down and surrender. I felt relieved, but I don’t know why. Then I heard the word “timing” and “patience”. I responded that I am tired of waiting. It seems like that is all I ever do.

Interpretation

When I’ve dreamed of quitting school in the past, I always thought it meant that I am asking to leave this life and return Home. Since I’ve had this dream so many times in the past, I Googled the symbolism again in case I am missing something. The dream meaning of quitting school is this:

If you dream of leaving school, then this indicates there is going to be an improvement in your living conditions or home life going forward. Our attitude to our work ethic and life in general is formed whilst at school, which, in most cases sets out rules and various moral values which help us move forward in life.

I didn’t actually leave school in my dream, so it is an indicator that I am approaching a crossroads situation. My guidance told me I am being “calibrated”. I’ve been told this in the past. It means I am being prepared for something to come. The suggestion about learning through repeating school is that there is always something new to learn.

The part of the dream where I am watching the children in line feels to me to represent my time “on the roof”. In HD this is the period in which the 6th line observes. What I see is that society is stuck in the old ways. The souls arriving now will not conform to the old “rules” and expectations. I see that change is a requirement. The fact that I imagine “freeing” the children and allowing them to explore and uniquely express themselves is a positive sign. I have recognize what is needed and am willing to assist. As a 6th line, the whole end result is to step into being a Role Model. Perhaps my role has to do with children – or at least the younger generations who are going through their own awakenings at this time? 

The focus on the rose on my chest is interesting. My first thought is this is asking me to listen to my HS (G center), which in HD is my authority.

The rose is a symbol of the entirety, the higher spiritual world order. When you dream about a rose this usually represents love in some fashion but it can also represent fertility, admiration, rebirth and fidelity. The color of the rose also has a special meaning in your dreams. Red roses are most often for love and romance…..pink roses indicate unexpected help.

The rose on my shirt is mostly pink with yellow and orange. A rose in full bloom symbolizes rebirth.

Climbing or being in a tree indicates that I have reached a period in my life where I am experiencing the “height” of my career or success. It does coincide with my family’s affluence at this time so that makes sense to me.

The headlights being off on the cars as I watch from a distance are yet another indicator that I am able to perceive what others cannot or will not. The symbolism of no headlights is that an objective view will be reached but it will come with limitations (can’t see far ahead). In the dream there is just enough light to see the cars and surroundings but the low light prohibits clarity. 

Tired

I’ve been more tired than usual. I sleep deeply and struggle to wake up. Opening my eyes is a chore. It feels like a heavy weight is pulling them closed. Once I get up, though, I am fine until the evening. Then, the heavy feeling returns and I often end up in bed before 10pm because I just can’t keep my eyes open. 

I’ve been taking it easy when it comes to exercise. I am usually very active with at least 2+ hours of physical activity of some kind five days a week. With my recent illness (cold/allergies) and fatigue, I decided to take some time off. Today, however, I felt like exercising so I went for a mile run followed by a bodyweight circuit. Ugh! Well, my body said “Hell no”. lol I still completed everything but not without needing more rest than usual. 

Sometimes listening to my body is a loss for me. I am use to powering through tiredness and lack of motivation and coming out feeling wonderful in the end (endorphins). But lately I just want to take it easy, go for walks or do yoga. It likely goes along with the “calibration” my guides mentioned. There is definitely something going on. I can feel it, especially at night and when I wake in the mornings. So I am going to do my best to listen.

Something that crossed my mind this morning was that I should probably shift back toward eating less meat and more veggies – so vegetarian/pescatarian. When I wonder why this is, it feels like meat contributes to a sluggishness in my energy. It does take longer to digest meat and the energy signature of most meats has never agreed with me. Whether I will do this long-term or not is yet to be decided. I think I will just start with trying to eat less meat and go from there. I think combining this change in diet with less strenuous exercise may be just what I need.

What is Spiritual Calibration?

I finished writing this post and then a thought came to me: What if readers aren’t sure what I mean when I say “calibration”? I thought, “Sure they know. It means I am being prepared to take in more Light.” But the feeling I got back was, “Are you sure?” So, since I’m not sure, I will provide a reference for you since I cannot post any part of it here (copyright reasons) – Spiritual Calibration. Go to paragraph 13 if you want to get straight to the info.

Basically, the channeled information says that spiritual calibration is a preparation of our Earth energy body to accept energy from “higher” sources. Higher in this instance really means of a “higher vibration”, not necessarily indicating direction.

So what exactly is happening to us/our energy bodies/physical bodies during calibration/re-calibration? The specifics are not given to me but I know very well how it feels to experience it. All of the above physical symptoms are usual for me. What I understand is happening is that my energy body is getting an upgrade. A new version of my energy body is being brought online. This version will be better able to receive and process the incoming energy so that I won’t suffer any physical or mental side-effects. The fact that I am experiencing the deep sleep, fatigue and slowing down in itself indicates my system is “offline” right now. It won’t be this way for long, just long enough to complete the calibration process.

About 90% if those who previously received upgrades are getting another one right now. So if you’re feeling like me, just listen to your body, take it easy and enjoy some rest. If you don’t, you could end with worse symptoms. Panic attacks are my “you’re doing too much” sign. <— NOT fun!

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Update and Dream: Would You Have Dinner with Me?

For the past two nights I’ve slept really, really good. My dreams are numerous and vivid and when I wake I find it difficult to keep my eyes open. I LOVE it! I only had a few days of lighter sleep before the deeper sleep returned. It just so happens it coincided perfectly with geomagnetic activity. When the chart was in the green, I slept lighter and woke earlier. When it was in the red, even just a little, I would fall into a wonderful, deep, restful sleep. My children and husband have reported similar sleep patterns. My husband said he sleeps a lot but never feels fully rested. He reports feeling more stressed, tired and hungry.

Despite all the dream activity, I’ve not been too interested in writing about my dreams. I do still write down the occasional dream but have really no interest in them lately. I will be including one in this post because it feels linked to a previous dream, though.

Before I post my dream, I wanted to share a communication I received this morning about the current energies.

What’s going on right now: re-calibration of new energetic blueprints; upgrades to those already established (awakened) on Earth (90% affected); awakening “codes” transmitted to those previously not awakened which may or may not be consciously received. The total “image” is pixelated (mentally confuses) so any attempt to make sense of it will not have the desired results. 

What I see (visual field): bluish wave of light entering Earth’s atmosphere which looks like it is coming in from the northwest. As the energy descends I see what resembles “fingers” or tendrils of energy reaching down. 

Instructions on processing the received energy: Let it happen, allow without analyzing, be the Observer, walk in the Light/be the Light. Dreams will provide insight but resist the urge to analyze. Stay out of the mind.

Dream: Would You Have Dinner With Me?

[Shift from previous dream] I am walking inside a mall. I can see shops left and right but I don’t recognize the place and wonder how I got there and why I am there. To my left I see a small restaurant. A man is standing, back to me, talking to the owner. I recognize the man as my friend and think, “He must have stopped in to check on his old business.” It felt like he sold his business long ago but that he sometimes came by to chat with the new owner and see how things were going. I think it coincidental that he and I happen to be in the same place at the same time and decide not to let the opportunity to say “hi” pass by.

As I walk up behind the man, I noticed the restaurant is undergoing renovations and the owner is not the one who bought the place originally. I think, “It must have been sold again.” When I reach the man I say, “Hi”. I can’t recall my exact words now, but it was something like, “Fancy seeing you here.” The man turned and looked at me, his face morphing as he moved. He shifted into someone who resembled my friend only. His face was very similar but his body went from thin to obese and his expression was sad, like he was grieving.

The man looked at me questioningly and with surprise. I knew he did not know who I was. I think I had already said, “I use to love eating here” and then mumbled uncomfortably about something as I turned and walked away.

I walked a few yards and stepped down into a circular (cycles of life, infinity) pit that was about six to eight feet in diameter and a foot deep. I knelt down and began to dig (seeking something, “digging” deep within) with a spade into the black, fertile dirt. It felt like I had created this pit but I have no idea why. Perhaps it was a garden? A garden in the middle of a mall, though? lol As I dug, I was feeling foolish and a bit confused about what had just happened. It had felt like I must have been there to meet my friend, so why was it someone else?

As I dug, deep in thought, out of the corner of my eye I saw the man walk past me toward a nearby bench. He stopped and watched me for a bit. I glanced up at him, feeling a bit nervous and uncomfortable. I stopped digging and said, “It use to be a great place to eat.” He nodded his head in agreement. I noticed again how similar he looked to my friend but the shape of his body and smoothness of his face were dissimilar. He seemed younger. Again, I felt that he was quite sad and I sympathized with him because I, too, was sad. I remember feeling that we were the same.

The man then asked me a question. He asked, “Would you have dinner with me?” Taken by surprise, his question propelled me into sudden lucidity. My mind took some time to catch up with my dream experience, which is probably a good thing. In the moments after his question, I remember thinking a response back to him, “Yes, I would like that.” 

Considerations

In a swirl of energy I felt pulled back to body awareness. It was like I was suctioned out of the dream. My mind was confused initially because of my immediate, positive response to the man. I was thinking, “That is not like me. He is not my type.” Yet I knew that the reason I said yes was because I recognized myself in him and nothing about him felt to be threatening. Here was someone like me, who was sad and alone. Here was someone that maybe I could help and who could help me. 

Still, though, I was confused. Who was this man? Was he my friend or someone else? Was his appearance shifting like that meant to show me a part of my friend who I had not yet acknowledged? 

The heaviness of sleep kept lulling me back into the in-between and I lost some time because of this. I have no idea where I went but when I returned I had some thoughts that I feel I should note here.

Yesterday, out of the blue, I had an answer to a question I had not gotten to ask in a recent dream. I meant to ask the man in my dream, “So what is the problem?” The question came to me when I said to myself, “The problem is I don’t want what I have.” Ha!

When this revelation was recalled I did think about it a bit. I was reminded not to judge myself for feeling how I feel. I was reminded that it is OK to not want what one has. It doesn’t mean I need to try and force myself to want what I have, which is what I would normally try to do (it doesn’t work). There is nothing wrong with feeling how I feel. Still, I struggle to know exactly what it is that I want! Ugh!!! (the frustration is very real!)

Yet I still consider that wanting of anything is what keeps me from having it (one of the rules of the Universe). I keep telling the Universe, “I want [fill in the blank]”. Instead, I need to tell the Universe, “I have [fill in the blank with what I want].” Yet, for me, the blank remains blank because I can’t articulate what I want. I can only feel it. 

And so that is what I did and I became lost in the feeling of what it is I want for some time. My heart sparked only slightly, so I know that I hit upon something, even if it was momentary. 

Then there were the lyrics from songs going through my head. Two different ones. The first was, “All along, baby, I should’ve been number one.” And the other was the same from yesterday – “And I want you to [Remember] me. Come closer, come closer.” 

It is not lost to me that the question the man in this dream asked me has been asked of me before. In this Kundalini dream I was asked/told, “Have dinner with me”. In that dream my response was that we should just have sex and get it over with. lol So my response was quite different this time around. My immediate feeling is that my sense of the person asking the question is why my response is so different. The dream from January indicates that I am not interested in a man whose sole interest in me is sexual. The dream from last night indicates I am much more interested in someone who is vulnerable and seeking companionship. The second man also feels “safe” to me. I feel drawn to him out of love and compassion, not lust/passion. I think the two tell volumes about who I am and what motivates me when it comes to relationships with others.

Updates

I want to take some time to update on some things in my life.

My idea to build a cabin or lodge on my mom’s retreat land has been put on hold. A week after my mother told me she would love for me to build on the land and help with the retreat, she FB messages me that she and her husband decided it wasn’t a good idea. They want to turn the main house, the house they live in, into the lodge. I was a bit disappointed at first but not upset by the information. I knew immediately what had happened. My mom’s brother, who knows about the idea, likely told her he didn’t like the idea because it meant someone living within view of his own home. My step-father would be against it for two reasons. First, when my sister and her family lived with them, it threw him back into drinking and almost destroyed his marriage to my mom. Second, both my step-father and my mom worry my living there even part-time will lead to divorce. Neither of them believe in divorce. Despite divorce not being the plan, I understand their reasoning and do not fault them for it. I am okay either way.

It actually surprised me that I reacted the way I did – with relative calm. When I inspected this, I realized it is because I am okay with leaving that family land behind. I feel “done” with it. And a part of me really wishes there was no land because of the trouble it will bring in the future, when my mom passes away. She has me as executor and I do NOT look forward to the mess that will ensue because my sisters, both struggling financially, will be fighting over the scraps. Sigh.

In other news, after being sick and rundown for over a week, I asked my husband to take over most of my duties for a full week so that I could get the rest I needed. It was wonderful to have someone else cook dinner and clean up the kitchen every night! The kids griped about it because they are use to me and my cooking, but they got over it. We have worked it out that he will cook dinner three times a week and I have promised to leave the house cleaning alone so that he has a chance to contribute. It is very hard for me to leave dirty dishes in the sink, but I am trying!

Today I have been counting my blessings and intend to continue to do so as often as I can. The number one blessing on my mind is our financial situation. We just got our quarterly distribution and it was well over what is the norm. The business is booming and we find ourselves in a state of affluence.

We just recently had an accountant do our 2020 taxes and our tax bill was ridiculous! We are most definitely paying our share in taxes and to anyone who says business owners should pay more in taxes, you obviously haven’t ever owned a business! As it is, we have to pay the IRS our taxes in advance (quarterly) now in order to avoid a penalty. And even in doing that, it doesn’t guarantee we won’t have to pay more when we file our taxes.

Despite being in affluence for a year already, I am still in a state of disbelief. It feels like we won the lottery, except we are winning it every quarter. And the real shocker is that my husband only owns 20% of the company at this time. Eventually, he (we) will own half. So what we are making now is less than half of what we will eventually be making (insert shocked emoji).

I am still considering leaving my position with the company because, as it stands, twice my entire yearly pay is going back to the IRS in taxes. Sure, I get my pay monthly like everyone else, but my income just adds to our ever increasing tax bill. I don’t really even like my job. It is just a job and honestly, anyone with any financial sense at all could do it. The thing that keeps me from leaving is that I would technically be withdrawing from my own business and letting down “the team”. My husband and his brother are also wanting me to become the Chief Financial Officer when they buyout the third shareholder who currently holds that position. I don’t know if I want to be that person; however, I don’t know if I like the idea of it being in a non-family members hands. It would help if I knew what I would do if I wasn’t working there – but I have no clue. Funny thing is, ten years ago I would have had plenty of ideas but we just couldn’t afford for me to not work. It is ironic that now that I have the perfect set of conditions, I feel completely blank and unmotivated toward those things I once prayed I could have the freedom to do!

My husband and I now have financial planning meetings to determine what to do with the distribution we receive. As a result, we split the remaining money (after taxes, savings, bills, etc) between us to do with as we please. He always has a long list of what he wants to buy but I rarely, if ever, have anything on my own list. My money ends up in savings because, well, I don’t know what else to do with it. Maybe, after some time has passed and the shock/disbelief wear off, I will have a list, but I doubt it. The things I want are intangible and can’t be bought.

The irony of my life is not lost upon me. I spent all my life up until now wishing to have lots of money so I didn’t have to work and didn’t have to worry about survival. Here I am with everything I asked for and I don’t know what to do with myself.

What would you do?

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Becoming the Role Model

As a 6/2, the 6th line being my conscious personality, I go through three distinct phases in my life. I am quickly approaching the last phase which coincides with my Chiron return (around age 50). During this phase I am meant to step into my role as a Role Model. My incarnation cross is Left Angle Cross of Refinement. My profile type in combination with my incarnation cross is what ultimately defines my purpose on Earth.

I have been feeling a pull toward coming down from my rooftop observation point in life and rejoining the world. Prior to going up on the roof, my life was definitely more unstable in the sense that I felt directionless and alone. I went to school, got married and divorced and discovered my spiritual abilities all before my 28th year when I had my Saturn Return. By the time I met my current husband around the age of 30, I was very ready for a much more stable and comfortable position in life.

The idea of being “on the roof” leads one to believe that the 6th line has it easy, but my time there has been anything but. It continues to involve lots of trial-and-error! The main difference between my first phase and second was that I settled down and focused on family. I had a secure foundation on which to do that and so was able to really focus on myself and those things I wanted in life. As a result of my newfound security, I was able to devote time to learning/study, something Hermits excel at. I got a Master’s degree but also dove into learning about physical fitness, out-of-body travel and Kundalini. So, being “on the roof” for me was about delving deeper into myself without the dramas of the first phase of my life. Sure, there was uncertainty and questioning but I also had a great support system in place to assist me in transitioning when needed.

Lately I have been contemplating the question, “What does being role model mean for me?” Honestly, I am a bit concerned about it because I can’t really picture myself as a “role model”. Ha! So, I’ve been asking my guidance to help me to see what this role looks like for me. I am happy to be this role model, but I feel unprepared and doubt that others will embrace me as such.

My contemplation took me to considering my path up to this point, how my path seems to twist and turn as I am pulled along by others. Always pulled along by others. Interestingly, I recently read that my profile and incarnation cross specifically indicates I cannot and will not become the role model I am meant to be without the assistance of others. I have purposefully created this dilemma, I know, and I can’t help but laugh about it. Here I am, with high hermit tendencies, swearing I would be happiest living alone and far away from other people, only to find I can’t make any progress without their help!

I mentioned in another post the idea I just had about building a cabin on my mother’s property so I have a place to retreat to without interference from other’s energies. Well, this weekend I visited my mother and presented her with my idea. Turns out, the timing couldn’t be more perfect.

Some things had happened my mom hadn’t told me about. First, they got a home equity loan to work on the pond on the property and do other improvements. They had already moved dirt and put in a road to access the back 10 acres.

My mom also told me that my younger sister disowned her in February. They had a phone conversation and my mom mentioned she wasn’t a believer in Covid. Then my sister asked her if she was a Trump supporter. Well, my mom told her she was and my sister hung up on her. Not long after she blocked her on FB and did the same to our brother when he said he supported Trump. My mom has not been able to contact my sister since. My mom was in tears because she couldn’t believe my sister would be so petty and break ties over political views. I listened, held space for her and told her I wasn’t surprised. My sister has been moving toward total family disconnect for years. She was just waiting for an excuse to do so. I advised my mother to try to make decisions from a place of love. My mom said she is trying.

Later, my mom expressed how she feels creating a spiritual retreat out of her land is her life’s purpose. She said, “It’s all I think about. It keeps me awake at night.” I told her I would help her however I could. Honestly, while there with my mom I could see myself building and expanding on her dream. I told her it would have to be non-denominational, and she agreed that was okay. She wants me to manage it when it’s complete. She even told me I could build my cabin as a permanent residence. She is excited about the idea of creating a lodge with a reception and rooms for rent. Our visions matched and I couldn’t be more happy to hear this.

My husband is going to use AutoCad to create plans for the layout of the retreat space (cabins, lodge, RV hookups, camp sites). He is then going to help me create plans for the main lodge. I love creating house layouts, btw. I did the layout for the addition at our old house and have always enjoyed creating spaces.

Speaking of “creating spaces”, this is part of my incarnation cross. Ha! The Left Angle Cross of Refinement is all about creating spaces and believing everyone has the right to privacy and a space of their own. It’s about bringing alignment and refinement to a chaotic, disordered world.

After my visit with my mom the retreat idea has stayed with me. I thought of how cool it would be to manage a spiritual retreat and various ideas came to me. With the recent change to our financial situation, we can really do whatever we want. That is a wonderful place to be!

Modelo

On my morning walk I asked the Universe to show me if I am on the right path. I did this two days in a row. Both times I was provided with answers.

The first find was a single, unused cigarette in perfect condition laying on my path. The second find was an unopened bottle of Modelo beer. LOL

The first thing I thought upon finding the cigarette was “tobacco ceremony”. My second thought was “celebration”. A Google search revealed the symbolism, which is reaching adulthood or maturity.

The beer made me laugh because I thought, “Now I have a beer to drink while I smoke.” lol Of course, I have no intention to smoke or drink.

I didn’t think on it much after until I was cleaning dishes later that morning. I realized Modelo means “model”. In other words, “role model”. I became emotional because I was hit with recognition of the message all at once. It was an indicator that the Universe was acknowledging my question and confirming an answer will be provided. It said to me, “Follow your heart. You will Know.” And I felt that helping my mom with her retreat aligned with my purpose. I may not know how exactly, but I am open to whatever comes. It is very possible that part of my mom’s purpose is to create this space while also to helping me realize my path/purpose. Like I mentioned previously, my purpose cannot be realized without the help of others.

Along with the “model” message, the symbolism indicates that yes, this is a time of celebration and maturation. A path is starting to take shape.

I also felt a tinge of sadness. It is hard to describe why but it has to do with knowing that to help with this retreat puts me in a position to be resented by my sisters. I feel unable to do much about this and feel it is something that has to play out. My mom told me she is leaving her house and the retreat to me in her will and leaving the back 10 acres to my brother (a 2/4 Generator who wants to live there). If this remains in place when she passes, it will most definitely create major upset. I have resolved that if this happens, I will do whatever I can to appease my sisters and keep the peace but I won’t do anything to upset the energy/balance of a sacred space. I do hope my mom changes her will to allow give them more, but if she doesn’t I need to recognize the potential for some very heavy, negative energy.

There is another piece to this. My entire life I’ve said that my ideal living space would be a home near a pond in the country. The pond would be large and full of fish so that I could go fishing whenever I wanted. It is funny, but then this has always been what I think of when I think of my ideal space. I love to fish and would like nothing more than to own my own private fishing pond. My mom is working very hard to create a pond that will not lose water so that it can be stocked with fish. In our area, ponds that retain water are rare. You have to have a spring that runs year long. In order to create a functional pond, my mom is going to hire someone to line it and make sure it holds the water. Then she is going to equip it with a system to circulate and add water as needed. It will basically be like a swimming pool, but for fish. It is also massive, like a small lake. It will be everything I envisioned in my perfect space.

I am not expecting anything at this point. I will let the Universe show me what to do/where to go. I am also going to be patient.

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Is it Me? Or You?

The weekend before last I came down with a cold. I hadn’t been sick in over a year, so it was bound to happen. It started with a sore throat that lasted two days and then came the congestion, stopped up nose, and fatigue. My daughter was sick alongside me and my husband had had it a week before.

All of this coincided with the full moon and also I read that something was going on with Chiron (can’t remember exactly what). As a result of my cold and the energies I was not my best. I entered into a very negative place and I can get pretty negative, so it wasn’t fun for me or those I am closest to.

My thoughts centered around everything that was “wrong” with my life. I also had tons of self-doubt come to the surface along with memories of the past, specifically my heart connection and the devastation it caused as well as events that took place after. Many mornings I woke up wishing I would die and most nights I struggled to sleep.

Just this morning the energy has noticeably shifted. I feel much clearer and less negative. I also got a good, solid night’s sleep and my cold has finally run its full course.

Questions and Doubts

The main question that was plaguing me was, “Who am I?” I saw a pattern. In the past my guidance often seemed to lead me the “wrong way”. I felt betrayed. But then I also know that my guidance is just me, so anytime I was “mislead” it either was because of Ego interference or because I needed to learn a lesson (or both). So saying I can’t trust my guidance is the same as saying I can’t trust myself.

In attempting to answer the question “Who am I?” I began to look back at my life and those things I liked, preferences and such. I realized that most if not everything was borrowed from someone else. I would “try on” things that people I liked or loved enjoyed. In the end I would keep some but toss most. For example, my best friend in high schooled love acting and persuaded me to try it. I hated it but was good at it. The stage fright was the worst! After we parted ways I dropped acting and never did it again. I added to the list of “don’t likes”. Sadly, my “don’t like” list is much longer than my “like” list. Yet I keep borrowing things, over and over. I temporarily convince myself that I like something only to discover I never did and it was all wrong for me.

After a conversation with my husband about this, he said, “Doesn’t everyone do that?” I said, “No. Some people just know.” But really, do they?

I thought maybe it was related to my almost completely open/undefined HD. My husband is similar, so he probably borrowed lots from others, too. I wonder what it is like for those who are mostly defined? Do they just know? Does that mean they know themselves better than I do? The answer feels like it would be yes.

As a result of all my questioning, I keep being led back to my Human Design: Self-Projected Projector.

April 3rd

Here is what I wrote in my journal on April 3:

Yesterday, I watched an NDE account that really spoke to me. Well, my guidance/Team spoke to me but so did the woman in the video. 

What was so real to me about this account was her specific experiences with her “teacher”. Not only did he appear like I’ve seen my teachers/guides, but her descriptions, reactions, feelings – everything – resonated deeply with me. What was especially noteworthy was her return and integration. Though she didn’t call what she experienced a “walk-in” that is what came to my mind. She was still herself, just an upgraded version, one that was deeply in touch with her HS, spirit, and Home. She retained that connection when she returned to her body and was able to live life in both worlds, shifting from one to the other as needed. It took her 8 years but slowly she rearranged her life so that it matched her truth.

When I was listening my guidance would come through. Sometimes I could hear words, other times I just felt deeply a Knowing that the time was upon me to do what this woman had done. I knew that my integration process was nearly complete. I had reintegrated into the walk-out’s life (former self), learning, observing, being that version despite many things feeling not quite right. I had made some significant changes along the way, but not all of them. Attachment had left one major decision hanging. I have fear of letting the people I love down, of being myself rather than who they wanted me to be. This is the exact message the woman in the video leaves the audience with in the end. She says that people are not really afraid of death, they are afraid of life and of living their truth – living authentically. This is because, in living our truth, we disappoint or let down those we love most. We don’t want to hurt them and so set aside what is best for ourselves to make them happy, to keep those we love comfortable. But in doing so we abandon and even lose ourselves along the way.

What she said deeply resonated with me to the point that I was left somewhat in awe. I Remembered and with that I recognized how this experience I have chosen, this life in this body, is a gift, one that I have been wasting because I don’t want to disappoint or upset those I love most.

Afterward, I went on long walk and had communication come through from my Team. It was subtle at first, like a whisper and feelings that bubbled to the surface of my consciousness. Ultimately, I noticed and some of what I was absorbing translated into words. I remember feeling this amazing feeling of being powerful and supported. It felt like the world is my oyster. I looked around me at the sky and world and thought how beautiful this world is and how many possibilities exist for me in it. I recognized that I feared creating what I wanted in this world because I worried it would be wrong, hurt someone or worse. My past experiences left me feeling I had hurt others and not been my best self. One of the things the woman in the video said is that she no longer judges herself. She becomes the observer (something I have been taught how to do) and so is able to move through life quite smoothly. 

The day continued and most of this realization was put aside as I went through the motions of life. As night approached I could not sleep. 

When I woke the next morning I was thinking of some things I had read in some posts in a FB group about my HD type – self-projected Projector (SPP). Not only did the creator of HD indicate that Projectors were not meant to be parents (but we can) but also that long-term relationships were not necessarily good for a Projector. My type specifically can end up feeling trapped and unable to free themselves from a relationship. Other SPP’s have indicated that they have similar patterns to myself when in a committed relationship. Here is an example:

I’ve realized today that in all my romantic relationships, I always feel the need to focus 100% on the connection. I do really love to guide people, with friendships I can keep a distance, but whenever I have a genuine deep connection that can evolve to a romantic relationship, that becomes my main focus in life. All my other goals go out of the window .I’ve thought for a long time I’m anxiously attached or codependent, but after focusing 100% on myself for more than a year and feeling absolutely blessed and being convinced I only need a relationship with myself, I don’t think that’s it.

Even more so, I get to see the relationship as my life’s work, a project that could bring me life lessons. And I stop directing energy to myself. It a OR me OR them situation. I can’t see it as a part of my life, it’s all or nothing.
Could this be a Projector-thing? Does anyone recognize themselves in this?

When I read this post I was thinking, “That is me!” In both my marriages this has been the case. And the comments in the group indicate that I am not alone! There were some who had navigated successful marriages but most indicated they did better alone or in long-distance relationships where they had separate residences. The married ones said they only did well because their partner actively worked on themselves. Another who was married was contemplating divorce but indicated that love was not the issue. 

So, it feels to me like the only way I am going to get any clarity on my life is to get away from the relationship I am in. I need to be apart from him, to return to living for myself so that I can get back in touch with myself.

Projectors Need Their Space

I have since been focusing on how I can create in my life more space for myself. I need a place apart from my family, one where I can be immersed in nature. A space where I am not overly influenced by my husband or children’s wants/needs all the time. I think if I can create a space like this for myself that I can in turn re-discover myself.

I spoke to my husband about my realization and he is supportive and wants to help me create this space. He would stay in our home with the kids and I would be in my space for as long or as little as I need. It could end up permanent and he accepts this as a possibility.

We are just in the brainstorming stage for the time being. The most obvious place to start is my family’s land in the country, the same land where our old house sits and where other family members, including my mom, now reside. There is a total of 47 acres so there is plenty of room! My mom is in the process of creating a spiritual retreat on this land. I have an idea of maybe building a cabin on this retreat land as a contribution to her vision. It would be like a donation to the space, so my husband and I would own “stock” in it. Though I haven’t presented the idea to her just yet, I think she will be open to it. Why wouldn’t she? A free cabin. They (my mom and step-dad) want to build cabins on it anyway. I could live there when I want, get my space and be in nature.

This may or may not pan out and that is okay.

To make it clear, my idea is not to shrug off all my responsibilities. The idea is to get enough space and time alone to get to a place where I can feel into myself and what I want without interference from others. With my tendency to take on others’ wants/desires/goals and put aside my own wants/desires/goals, I feel I need to do this. I don’t know how long it will take.

Is It Me? Or is it You?

The last main consideration I’ve had is in regards to my telepathic ability. In HD, those with a completely open head center, like I have, are capable of telepathy and this is true for me. I’ve experienced it all my life but only recently did I experience true telepathy. True telepathy goes beyond just knowing what another is thinking, it is the ability to communicate in real time with another via thought and emotion. It also includes the ability to share experiences, not just in present time but past and future.

Not long ago I met someone online who I discovered I could telepathically communicate with. It was amazing and I honestly have never met anyone like him. The connection remains and we seem to be able to turn it on or off at will.

The issue I’ve been running into lately is that I have cut ties with this person, yet I still feel the connection. I don’t know if I can dissolve it as it feels to exist beyond just this plane of existence. This person is able to purposefully communicate with me and I receive it. The most recent time (prior to my cutting ties) I didn’t know he was doing this and I thought I was losing my mind until he confessed that he had been purposefully sending communications. Yikes!

Considering my thoughts and feelings lately, I suspect more of this kind of communicating is going on. At first it created all kinds of self-doubt. Maybe I was wrong to cut ties? Maybe I should reconnect? There were feelings coming up, memories, ideas. This would happen out of the blue and then all would go quiet.

This morning I feel more clarity and am convinced that most if not all of my self-doubt stems from this communication, communication that is most definitely deliberate. I have decided to pay more attention to where the thoughts/feelings originate.

I am still in a bit of shock to think that such types of communication are a reality for me. It is easy to forget or assume it is not real. But it is real. Considering I am working on finding myself, getting my own space in order to re-discover myself, the last thing I need is someone trying to influence me from afar! How do you get space from that!?

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Human Design Profile-Type Matches

Although I haven’t been posting much these days about Human Design, my research continues. My focus has been on relationships between the profile types lately. After looking into the profile types of the people closest to me, I had questions:

Are there certain profile types that I get along better with? Why?

Which profile types are best suited as romantic partners for my type?

I had a good idea which profile types I got along with based upon what I’d experienced. My hypothesis was that I get along best with any person whose profile contains a 2nd line or a 6th line – or both. Why? Well, at least half of my family are 2nd lines and so I have a lifetime of personal experience with other 2nd lines.

Examples: My mother is a Manifesting Generator, 2/4, Hermit-Opportunist. Of me and my two sisters, my mom and I have always had a special connection. We just “click”. My older sister, a 1/4 Generator, and my younger sister, a 1/3 Generator, have always had a slight disconnect with her compared to me. Similarly, my relationships with my sisters has always been strained. My older sister tried to get me to be more social and was/is highly judgmental of me. My younger sister hasn’t spoken to me in 12 years (her choice, not mine) and cut ties with all family almost completely.

My other hypothesis is that I get along least with those whose profiles contain a 1. Again, this is based upon my personal experiences and the information I have gathered thus far.

Examples: As I mentioned above, both my sisters are conscious 1st lines. You can never tell a 1st line how things are. They won’t take your word for it and my experiences, as a Projector, were not good when I tried to give them “advice” without them inviting me. BTW, they RARELY invited me. No surprise there because they already know everything (sarcasm). Similarly, I recently met another 1st line, this one subconscious, and the amount of research and digging this person did all.the.time was a bit too much. As a 6/2, I don’t need to research, I have a strong inner Knowing and rarely do much, if any, research into things. I learn through my intuition and experiences. And, well, Hermits, we just Know. The last thing I want to do is discuss all the details and info the 1st line dug up. It just hurts, like physically, to endure that kind of torture. lol And too often, what ends up happening with me and any 1st line, conscious or unconscious, is an inability to really connect. I usually just back off and give them the time and space they need to figure things out for themselves but I am not likely to hang around to hear their great epiphanies in the end because I am thinking, “duh”. LOL Since my daughter is a 1/3 I get LOTS of practice dealing with such things. Thankfully, she has always recognized me as someone who Knows and uses me as a part of her extensive library of information. Smart girl!

Turns out, my findings indicate that my Knowing about the profiles I get along with is spot-on (no surprise). Here is a list of all the profiles and their best matches, romantically and otherwise (I bolded my profile type):

1/3: Ideal match is with 1/3 and 4/6. Also compatible with 3/5, 3/6, 5/1, and 6/3.

1/4: Ideal match is with 1/4. Also compatible with 2/4, 4/1, and 4/6.

2/4: Ideal match is with 2/4 and 5/1. Also compatible with 2/5, 4/6, 5/2, and 6/2.

2/5: Ideal match is with 2/5. Also compatible with 5/2, 2/4, and 5/1.

3/5: Ideal match is with 3/5 and 6/2. Also compatible with 3/6, 5/1, 5/2, and 6/3.

3/6: Ideal match is with 3/6 and 6/3. Also compatible with 1/3 and 3/5.

4/6: Ideal match is with 4/6 and 1/3. Also compatible with 1/4, 2/4, 4/1, and 6/2.

4/1: Ideal match is with 4/1 and 1/4. Also compatible with 4/6.

5/1: Ideal match is with 5/1 and 2/4. Also compatible with 1/3, 2/5, and 3/5.

5/2: Ideal match is with 5/2 and 2/5. Also compatible with 2/4 and 3/5.

6/2: Ideal match is with 6/2 and 3/5. Also compatible with 2/4, 4/6, and 6/3.

6/3: Ideal match is with 6/3 and 3/6. Also compatible with 1/3, and 3/5, and 6/2.

My Connections

Prior to finding this information, I had a long list of the people in my lives and their profile and energy types. Here is the list. Make sure to compare it to my compatible profiles so you get an idea of who I got or get along with in my life.

Mom – Emotional MG, 2/4
Dad – MG, 1/3**
Step-Dad – MG, 5/1
Sister – G, 1/4
Sister – G, 1/3
Brother – Emotional G, 2/4
Daughter – Emotional MG, 1/3
Son – G, 2/4
Son – Emotional G, 2/4
Husband – MG, 5/3*
Ex-Husband – MG, 6/2*
BIL – Emotional Manifestor, 4/6**
SIL – Emotional Projector, 3/5**
Nephew – Emotional G, 4/6**
Nephew – Emotional G, 2/4**
Niece – Emotional G, 1/3**
Nephew – G, 1/3**
SIL – Emotional MG, 4/1**
SIL – Emotional Manifestor, 6/3**
BIL – G, 2/4**
Nephew – Emotional Projector, 1/3**
Niece – G, 5/1**
Cousin – G, 2/4
Cousin – Emotional MG, 6/2**
Friend – Splenic Projector, 6/3
Friend’s husband – MG, 1/3
Child 1 – Projector, 1/3
Child 2 – G, 2/4
Friend – Emotional Projector, 2/4
Friend/connection – Emotional MG, 5/1
Friend/connection #2 – G, 3/5
Ex-Boyfriend – G, 5/1**
Coworker/Friend – Projector, 3/5**

MG = Manifesting Generator
G = Generator
* = Recent discovery, did not know profile type until just two weeks ago
** = Later discovery

In my adulthood, my best friends, and friends in general, tend to be other Projectors. I assume in my early years that my best friend was a generating type but I can’t be sure. My best guess is she was a 3/5. She most definitely was not a hermit! She might have been a 4/6, but I’ve never met one (that I know of) in order to compare their energy. Edit: I did a chart using the data I have for her and she is either a 3/5 Projector or a 3/5 Generator. Based upon my track record with friends and how she was in school and is currently, I’m betting on Projector. But I was right about the 3/5!!

It is also typical for me to attract MG’s in the romantic sense, which I hear is common for Projectors. The energy dynamics between a Projector and MG is quite intense. Imagine the MG energy, which is the highest generative energy out there and them meeting a Projector who takes that already intense energy and amplifies it. You get a crazy intense amount of energy! Sadly, in my experience, that intensity typically dies out over time, as was/is proved by my two marriages to MG’s. Why? Because Projectors are not meant to be generators and we end up burning out and eventually want to get away from the MG’s over abundance of energy. We just can’t tolerate it long-term. We aren’t built for that.

The significant other MG’s in my life never understood my need for rest and solitude and would continue to pursue me beyond my capable limits. My ex-husband thought I didn’t love him and was constantly pressuring me to give more than I had to give. However, as a fellow 6/2, he understood the need for solitude, maybe even more than I did. He was happiest in nature, far away from people, and ended up isolating me way more than I could handle. He was very easy-going, generally optimistic, and a lover of life. My current husband, though well-meaning, comes across as overly needy of my attention. Of course, we have three generating-types as children, so everyone I am around daily feels to be taking my energy. I have little, if anything, left for my husband by day’s end. I often feel trapped in my own house because I can’t get far enough away to recover from all the energy my aura is processing all.the.time.

As a Projector, it is said by the creator of HD, that we become “super slaves” to the other types in our lives, especially generating types. It is our nature to need the other types in order to generate or manifest. We just can’t do it without them. So, we end up trapped in a cycle, give and take, revved up and then sucked dry to the point of exhaustion. Not only are we somewhat addicted to energy we receive from generators, but they are, too, and as generators, whose authority says wait to respond, when they get that opportunity to respond to our energy, well, they do. And do, and do, and….LOL

A surprise to me about my profile matches is that I get along well with someone who has a 3rd line. It soon became apparent, though, why that is. All 6th lines go through three phases of experiencing. The first phase, up until around the first Saturn Return, they experience life as a 3rd line, only without the tough outer skin other, real 3rd lines have. We experiment like 3rd lines, have stuff happen to us that is not very pleasant, and end up beaten and bruised emotionally in the end. 3rd lines learn through experimentation. If at first they don’t succeed, well, they do it again a different way! We 6th lines gain valuable experience from our early years, though. Because of this common experience, we get along with 3rd lines. We can relate well to them, and they to us.

Like the above list indicates, my favorite matches have been those with profiles on my list. Based upon love interest, I will have to say my favorite is the 3/5 profile type. Though I enjoyed the fun-loving ways of my 6/2 ex-husband, I have to say that other 6/2’s just don’t attract me like the 3/5. I think it is the mysterious and magnetic 5 that draws me in. They are quite alluring and well, that mysterious component, it keeps me guessing. I love a good mystery and am happiest with someone who can keep me on my toes. My 6/2 ex struggled to do that for me. I think we were just too similar and both needed the other to keep things interesting, but we couldn’t. We were also in that first phase of the 6th line, so technically the relationship was doomed before it started. My current husband is very, very good at keeping things….interesting, even though sometimes in a very negative way.

I believe the 5th line will always draw me in. I find them fascinating and beautiful. There is an attraction I can’t explain. In my experience, my tendency is to fully submit to them, give my all, and the crazy part is I have no clue why! The founder of HD says that the 2nd line to be “called out” in a specific way. The Other who is calling out the 2nd line has to find that weak spot, a vulnerability that even the 2nd line doesn’t know exists. It is that spot, that when touched upon, lights up the 2 and causes them to venture out of their happy, safe place. Otherwise, we just stay in our happy place and ignore the call. And for me, it has been true with all the 5th lines I have been with. They are magical.

Then there is the 1st line as I mentioned previously. I can get along with them, but the relationship is often strained. I grew up with two and have a daughter who is one, so I know! But then, consider the 5/1 and how confusing they appear to me. First, they are magical, mysterious and alluring (5th line) but at the same time frustrate me with their constant, analytical and investigative aspect. Ha! It could be a love-hate relationship, that’s for sure! So far, though, I can’t say I’ve been lucky (or cursed) enough to have had a romantic relationship with one. Maybe? If only I knew all the profile types of my past relationships! Edit: Since writing this post I determined an ex-boyfriend was a 5/1 Generator. I broke it off with him because he confessed to cheating on me. I never figured out why but he later tracked me down to try and re-connect. I was married so he made sure to put me down for becoming “one of them” (married people with kids).

Charts to Compare

Below are the charts of my ex-husband, current husband and me. The similarities are striking! Not only do they have mostly open centers, but many of the same channels! When combined with my chart, there would be similar dynamics at play.

Ex-Husband – Aries, born 4/4/1975

TYPE: Manifesting Generator
STRATEGY: To Respond
NOT-SELF THEME: Frustration
INNER AUTHORITY: Sacral
PROFILE: 6 / 2
DEFINITION: Single Definition
INCARNATION CROSS: Left Angle Cross of Endeavor (21/48 | 54/53)

Current husband – Gemini, born 5/23/76

TYPE: Manifesting Generator
STRATEGY: To Respond
NOT-SELF THEME: Frustration
INNER AUTHORITY: Sacral
PROFILE: 3 / 5
DEFINITION: Single Definition
INCARNATION CROSS: Right Angle Cross of The Sleeping Phoenix (20/34 | 55/59)

My chart – Leo, 8/4/76

  • TYPE: Projector
  • STRATEGY: Wait for the Invitation
  • NOT-SELF THEME: Bitterness
  • INNER AUTHORITY: Self Projected
  • PROFILE: 6 / 2
  • DEFINITION: Single Definition
  • INCARNATION CROSS: Left Angle Cross of Refinement (33/19 | 2/1)

When I saw how similar my husband and ex-husband’s charts are, I knew it was not coincidence. It always felt to me like I was continuing a lesson unfinished when I married my current husband. Similar issues arose in our marriage that had existed in my previous one. Both have only one more defined center than I do. Both share at least one defined center with me. My ex shares a defined throat, and my current husband shares a defined throat and G-center. So, technically, the only conditioning I would have with them would come from the defined centers they have.

There is something about the energy of someone who has mostly undefined centers that I think attracts me. They are more fluid and changeable than someone with mostly defined centers. I struggle more with someone who is extremely fixed in their ways (mostly defined). It isn’t that I don’t get along with them, but that I find their set ways difficult to navigate. I end up being the one to give in and change because I am so changeable. My mom is this way. She only has two open centers. I use to get so frustrated with her because she so stuck/set in her ways. A creature of habit, that is for sure! It is so hard to get her to do something new and outside of her normal routine. Similarly, another person I know (online) is the same. She is unable to see past her fixed tendencies and change. You can get out your crowbar but she still won’t budge.

I just prefer mutable people, I guess. Nothing against the fixed, so please don’t take offense. I have my fixations, too, (my not-self) so I get you.

by

Dream Meeting: Maxim

My sleep continues to be less than ideal. I wake frequently and only get about 6 good hours a night. My days are busy and I find that, although I have content to blog about, I don’t have the time I would like to focus on writing. I usually jot down something in my private journal and leave it there, hoping to have time later to write about it. But I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t write it right then, I probably never will.

This month of March has not turned out to be as interesting as I’d hoped. With all the signs and syncs leading up to now, I’d thought for sure some kind of meeting or encounter would’ve happened. My guess is I interpreted it all wrong because nothing – nada – has happened. I still don’t get why the Universe would send me those tarot cards but I guess the cards were relaying info about the past or present and NOT the future. That’s okay. I’m use to the same-ol-same, day in and out. I’m good at keeping busy. I’ve got a good life. I’m just a tad bit…..bored.

Ah, the story of my life! My guides are probably going, “Oh no! Dayna’s bored again!” My poor guides. lol If anything they threw those signs and syncs my way to keep me guessing and wondering. There’s nothing better at keeping someone occupied than a good mystery to solve….or wait for in my case. That carrot on the stick scenario gets me every time. Why do I keep falling for it? Oh yeah, I’m bored.

I will give you another cool story which, BTW, also ties into my dream this morning.

A little more than a week ago (March 17) my husband lost his AirPod Pros again. Yes, again. Ugh! I was furious with him and on his case a little more than I like to admit. I can get kinda fixated on stuff especially when I’m….bored. lol Anyway, I decided one night to just let it go again because my main upset was that it seemed like he didn’t care. So I figured, why should I?

That night I had a dream. Pay attention here. In the dream I was given a small, brown box. When I opened it, inside were the missing AirPods. Not long after I saw a small balloon that said, “Happy Birthday”. In amongst this was a short dream where I was receiving lots of emails to the point that it was too much and I felt overwhelmed. When I woke I decided to tell my husband that I had accepted that the AirPods were gone.

The dream came to pass the next day. I was overwhelmed most of the morning. My schedule was off because of an a/c maintenance man visiting. I also was getting emails like crazy – asking for readings and dream interpretations. Somehow, though, I managed despite being in a sour mood. Later in the day, as I was preparing dinner, I went to the garage to toss something in the trash. I turned and saw the minivan and thought, “I need to check for the AirPods.” So, I opened the side door and immediately noticed a tiny, white object in between the seats. I had found them! 

Not long after I went for a walk with Monty. On the walk I spotted a tiny balloon that said, “Happy Birthday.” I knew it was from the dream. Even after that when my husband was watching The Simpson’s I noticed that they kids in the episode were tossing water balloons at the bully. They said, “Happy Birthday.” 

So the syncs continue and good things keep happening, I’m just being a grump because life’s not…..exciting enough? Well, just not the kind of excitement I like. I can hear my guides saying, “Persnickety.” Guess so.

What kind of excitement do I like? The spiritual kind, of course! If it’s spiritual, bring it on! Thankfully, I got a pretty cool dream so I’ll be good for another day or so.

Dream Meeting with Maxim

I entered into an auditorium where many people were gathering. At the booth where we were to register, a man was instructing everyone on what to do. I remember that he sent the group down the hall for an orientation or something similar. When I arrived and was asked to follow the group I chose not to. It didn’t feel like something I wanted to do or that I needed for that matter. Instead, I walked to the back of the auditorium, considering my options. I was undecided – do I do my own thing and hope no one notices or do I go along with the group and suffer that misery (I hate groups)?

Eventually, I noticed that everyone walking around had on a name tag (recognition) but I didn’t. For some reason it felt like I needed one and I knew the only way to get one was to go where the group (need others to be known) went. So, I decided to go find the group and hopefully get my name tag (recognition).

As I walked in the direction of the group I ran into other groups. Many were of children who had with them teachers. I noticed a hallway and looked down it, hoping to get an idea of which room my group had gone in. The hallway was long and had many doors, all of them closed (feeling shut out). The hallway was littered with trash but the walls and floors were very white and otherwise clean. It just looked like the kids had been messy with art paper and no one had cleaned it up yet. Realizing it was too late to rejoin my group, I turned back and headed back to the corner where I had been observing everyone.

I discovered the section where I had lingered before was a separate room with a large viewing window (my cave, safe space, hermitage). It reminded me of those rooms in churches where the nursing mothers or mom’s with screaming babies would go to still participate in church services without creating a distraction. I was able to see the auditorium and all the people clearly but remain separate from the group – just like I like it.

In my little space was a man. He was sitting at a desk writing on a piece of paper. I somehow knew he was there to help me.  He had been looking through my emails in order to get the answers to questions on a paper he was filling out. When I arrived he smiled and said, “Happy birthday (from my other dream).” Then he began to read to me what he had written. It was a description of my character in this lifetime. I can’t recall what he said but I remember key pieces. He described me as selective of who I chose to spend time with but the way he articulated it made me sound like someone with much wisdom and experience. He said I paved my own path and cared little for what others thought of me. 

The way he described me took all those things which I find faulty within myself, things others have criticized, and presented them as my special gift to humanity. It was like I was hearing about an important leader in history, one that made significant contributions to humanity and so was honored, recognized and remembered for it.

My initial response was, “You see me!” I felt his recognition and was relieved to be acknowledged. Then I said, “You got all that from reading my emails?” He laughed and said, “Yes.” I said, “Wow.” I paused, considered what I had heard and said, “I really like myself.” He said, “I do, too.” 

By this time I was standing face to face with him. He was short and stalky. His face had smile lines that indicated he was a kind, generous individual with a gentle, loving demeanor. He was completely bald and had a scholarly quality to him. I knew he was a professor at the university I attended. He introduced himself to me. He said his name was “Maxim”. There was a last name but I can’t remember it and I only remember his name because I repeated it.

I asked him, “Why are you helping me?” He said, “Because you helped me.” I thought on this and couldn’t recall ever helping him. I said, “I don’t remember helping you.” He indicated that I had and that he was indebted to me, thus his appearance in my life now. I figured I must have helped him in some other life.

Still in awe of how well he had described my character in this lifetime, I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to be like him, to be able to “read” a person as well as he had me and help them see themselves as a gift to the world. He indicated that he heard me, so I must have spoken this aloud. He turned and looked toward the room we were in and asked, “How can you help?” It seemed like he was asking how I could help from within the confines of the space I was in. I thought for a moment and then said excitedly, “You can bring them to me. I have a Master’s in Counseling. Maybe I could counsel people?” He said matter-of-factly, “You mean you have two Master’s degrees.” I said, “No…but I have two degrees in the same field – education.” He looked at me in such a way that I second guessed my response. I wondered, “Does he mean Master’s degree like I think? Or does he mean some other kind of Master?”

Maxim smiled and motioned to what was happening outside my window. I looked and saw a group of people gathered in celebration of certain honored individuals. He told me that I was one of the honorary ones and had been “chosen”. Then he said, “If you look, you will see yourself.” It felt like he wanted me to look at an old photograph but was motioning to the scene outside the viewing window of the room where a group of people were on stage. I looked and in front of me were old photographs of what appeared to be a group of scholarly individuals wearing robes all standing together. It reminded me of an old photograph from a yearbook. As I scanned the faces I spotted a woman who I knew was me, though she appeared differently than I do in this life.

Maxim returned to the subject of my situation, specifically my being in the room observing the group but not wanting to be a part of it. He stated, “You stop, you see, you leave.” I’m not sure these were his exact words but I saw a visual in my mind of his words. I would meet someone, stop if I felt called to, interact with and/or observe them a while, and then leave. It was not a judgment of my actions, quite to the contrary, it was a recognition of my specific gifts. After hearing this and seeing the meaning behind it, it felt like he was specifically commenting on my relationships with others in this lifetime. I wondered, “Does that mean it is time to leave?” 


Message: Build What You Want

It was at this point I woke up but Maxim remained close and continued to communicate with me. He said, “Build what you want [in life]”. Along with this I felt nudged to really feel into what it was I wanted to experience in this life. My immediate response was to go to that feeling of Divine Oneness and the call that I recently had but refused. He asked me why I did not answer the call and I said, “I’m afraid of what will happen to my life.” I like my room with a view. I like the life I have created thus far. Though Maxim wasn’t pushing me to go outside my “room” I felt nudged and knew, at some point, I would venture out again, but only if the invitation was good enough. It would have to be better than what I already have, something irresistible, that’s for sure. 

Eventually, I ended up falling back to sleep and dreaming another dream. I won’t go into that dream but when I woke my thoughts were on my HD profile and being a 6/2 self-projected Projector. A recent video I had watched by Ra Ura Hu, the creator of Human Design, on Projectors came to mind. 

He said Projectors are “on the ascendency”. He also mentioned how Projectors study to become masters at what they do. I wondered about this and my dream came to mind. Does this “study” mean actual school? If so, then I studied teaching and counseling – helping others, especially children. But what of my other “studies”, those of the spiritual kind? I have had so much hands-on training in that area – almost 20 years. In considering all the things I’ve studied in this life, the one that brings the most joy is the spiritual. I wondered which studies I will use when I “come down from the roof” to be the Role Model I am here to be? Perhaps that is what Maxim was referring to when he said I had two Master’s degrees – one a very physical one and the other spiritual. I wondered aloud to my guidance, “What do I do?” I knew, though, that I am not meant to know. I am meant to answer a call and then and only then will I Know what it is I am to do.

Then I was reminded of a recent dream where I was in a closet and a Bulgarian man was trying to get me to leave and explore outside. When I looked up the name Maxim I discovered it is Bulgarian. Could Maxim have been the man in that dream who was bugging me to leave my closet? Probably. If you haven’t read that dream, you should. It is pretty awesome!

by

Come Back to the Sea

The solar flares have subsided and so I slept much better last night. Sadly, there were three earthquakes in and around New Zealand yesterday and a volcano in Sicily has been erupting for some time. It is not unusual for geomagnetic activity to spur such events. If solar flares can effect Earth changes in such a way, think what it can do to the human body and energy system.

I am told/Know that these changes are “effectual”. It is all part of the Plan.

Though I had no exciting experiences during dreamtime, I did awake with my guidance very close. At first I was in a dream conversation with a woman who was fascinated by my Kundalini experiences. She was asking me to describe my experiences. How did you feel? What was it like? How did it change you? I remember answering her with as much detail as I could but finding it difficult to describe with words. With each of my answers, lucidity increased, until I awakened to find a guide very close. 

Recognizing this guide’s energy, I knew he had been the woman in my dream and wanted to continue our conversation outside of the dreamstate. With him prompting me, I continued to review my past experiences. It took no time at all to Return to them all and when I was done I was left wanting them to repeat and for the experience to never end. I remember asking, “I don’t want to go back to normal afterward.” It felt like I had failed when I said this. Why would I go through so much, experience Oneness and Expansion, only to fall back down and seemingly lose it all?

This guide told me, “You don’t have to.” 

Then he did what I have not experienced in quite a while. Something about him being present, or maybe my acknowledgment of him, created the perfect recipe for Knowing. And so as his communication came through I often found myself completing his sentences and eventually speaking as if I were him. 

What I recall now of our conversation was that to maintain such a state (meaning not coming back “down” after a Kundalini rising) is that conscious change much occur. He/I continued to state that I Knew what change was needed but had been stalling out of fear and inability to confront the entire picture. There is not need for shame over such things. It is part of being human.

Each thread of color, though seemingly insignificant, infuses a dull tapestry with vibrant color until eventually the entire tapestry is transformed. 

One word stands out: Integration.

Integration means taking the “thread” of every transformative experience and sewing it into physical reality. Each thread changes the texture and color of the human experience. Each thread of color, though seemingly insignificant, infuses a dull tapestry with vibrant color until eventually the entire tapestry is transformed. 

This, he said, is how change occurs. It is not necessary for me to do anything as it is already and has been in process this entire time. Eventually, the vibrant colors of my tapestry will be so much that change will take place in such a way as to reveal a new image. When this happens, the old and new will become as one. 

I, of course, could feel what these changes were but I couldn’t and still cannot determine the specifics of the change. How they will come about remains a mystery. Yet a part of me has been feeling particularly sorrowful about the state of the world for some time – my whole life, really. In my daily life I see around me evidence of a dying planet and, with it, a dying people. It is not physical decay but something altogether more devastating. And the human me cannot confront it and so pushes it out of her mind. 

On my daily walks I cannot ignore the utter disregard for this planet displayed all around me. Trash littering the creek. Syringes dotting the sidewalks. Condoms. Plan B boxes. Beer bottles. Face masks. I feel sadness and want to help but I know that just picking up the trash won’t make a dent in the problem.  

For example, I own a section of the creek and have picked up trash only to have the next heavy rain fill the creek back up with even more trash than before it was cleaned. My husband even arranged a community-wide clean up of the creek. He approached the city for help and they provided a free trash container. Only three people showed from our entire subdivision to help clean up. The rest used the dumpster/container to dump their old furniture and garbage. They thought only of themselves and their homes, not of the creek or the bigger problem we were trying to solve. 

I feel overwhelmed. I am just one person, one person against a formidable opponent. It feels like me against the world. 

This morning I told my guide, “There is no hope for this world. Let it die.” 

The word “integration” came to mind again, this time with the chorus from a song, one I have been drawn to over the last few days. 

I spent so long looking for a way
I could be a part of another home
I tried so hard blocking out the waves
But my ocean heart never let it go

This people, my people
Sea people can not really leave
This people, my people
Sea people come back to the sea
Come back to the sea

There is something about the song that calls to me. It brings with it a haunted feeling. The melody and words bring an echo of something familiar. I am not particularly drawn to the sea, though. I feel the song reminds me of myself and how I have spent my entire life looking for Home. And I Knew that the message was I have always been Home. 

The change coming scares me but I know that when it does come, I will be ready. 

Vision

I tried to return to sleep and must have fallen into the in-between briefly because I was brought out of my reverie quickly by a vision. 

I saw a book  in front of me as if laying on my seated thighs. It’s pages large and smooth and so large they stretched from one thigh to the next. Someone (me?) was turning the pages slowly. I saw the images of men I have known pass before my eyes, but I didn’t recognize them except to acknowledge them as part of my “story”. It was clear that I was viewing a photo album, especially when I flipped the pages to the last image. The image I saw was of a bearded man. Various images were situated in a collage on the page. All of them were of this man. He had dark hair that went to his shoulders. His beard was also long, and he had a streak of gray on the right. 

When I saw the picture I felt that I was being shown another person in my story and so the shock of it was what brought me out of my reverie. The shock in part came from the fact that I just saw a man who resembled the photos yesterday while I was on a run. He was walking his dog and waved at me. I remember he turned and stared before he waved and smiled. I glanced his way and waved back. I’d never seen him before. 

Now I don’t  necessarily believe that the vision is showing me my future. It is more likely that a memory of yesterday surfaced and there is no particular reason or rhyme to it. It was very vivid, though, so I had to at least document it. 

by

Dream: Hieros Gamos

All has been quiet here the past few days. Since the snow melted, the temps have soared into the 70’s, nearly hitting 80 yesterday! Most, if not all, have had their electric, water and other circumstances return to pre-Uri conditions. Yesterday, our boil water notice was rescinded as was the notices in the surrounding areas. Schools were shut down for repairs and today in-person instruction resumes. Most, if not all, grocery stores have everything in stock again but for a while shelves were bare.

May be an image of indoor
Target shelves on February 21st

It was just yesterday that the last remnants of snow melted in our yard. We had shoveled it into a huge pile and the shade protected it from the sun but couldn’t protect it was temps in the 70’s. Sadly, many shrubs and other plants suffered a kind of “freezer burn” effect to include the great Live Oaks in our neighborhood. The leaves are brown and crusty and some already falling a month before their usual molt. Thankfully, Live Oaks are hearty trees and have an unusual life cycle. They are ever-green and replace their leaves in early Spring, so it is likely all will live another year. So far it appears my Calamondin tree was devastated. Everything is dead and I had to prune more than half the tree away. We won’t know if the roots survived until green shoots prove there is still life in it.

Dreams, syncs and other messages from the Universe have been quiet the last few days. I’ve been extra tired and over the last two days more sensitive to the energies of others. For two days straight I had a dull headache that became worse as the day progressed. I had to go into work yesterday and it seemed the more people I was around, the worse I felt to the point that I began to worry I was getting sick. When I left work I asked for healing as I was driving and moments later a warm energy spread from my head down to my upper back where the worst discomfort was felt. I became extremely relaxed and calm and by the time I arrived home all pain was gone. I still felt very tired, though. I suspect removing myself from the company of coworkers was helpful as I was likely picking up on their exhaustion and anxiety from the previous week.

Sleep has been deep but last night I struggled to fall asleep and woke frequently throughout the night. One dream in particular was vivid enough to wake me and keep me from returning to sleep.

Dream: Hieros Gamos

Most of this dream I was confused and questioning the dream experience but it never brought on lucidity.

I was traveling with a group and we ended up staying in a flat in the UK. I didn’t recognize any of the people I was with but we seemed to know one another well enough. My memory is fuzzy but I recall being in a double bed with a man inside a closet. The longer we were there, the more cluttered the closet became until it was only me inside. The closet had shelves filled with items and only a very small area to walk. One man in particular kept storing his food inside and I asked him to put it on the shelf. It was Bulgarian food his mom kept making for him. She also sent him money. I remember commenting on how nice it must be for him to have a never-ending supply of food and money.

At one point, I broke my glasses and got very irritated at the Bulgarian man, blaming him for the cracked frame. What is interesting is that my glasses had only one, oblong lens rather than two. I was upset because with my glasses broken I would have to visit an eye doctor to get a new pair and that meant finding a doctor in the UK. That meant I had to go outside and find a doctor, meaning talk to and interact with someone new. I complained that it would likely cost more, too. $50 more in fact.

The crowded conditions were uncomfortable and so I ventured outside. I remember talking to someone, likely a guide, and getting “ideas” such as “why don’t you explore?,” and “why don’t you talk to them [people]”? I remember standing on the side of the street talking to a man and mentioning the currency. I asked, “Do they still use Euros here or pounds? When I was here before I think they used pounds.” Some stranger from the street explained they used pounds and was very friendly. I turned to the man I was with and whispered, “He must have overheard me.” I didn’t want to interact with the man. I felt uneasy in the strange place I found myself in.

I was nudged to look around and so did as was suggested. The area was quite busy with vendors and people. It reminded me a bit of Mardi Gras in Louisiana but without all the beads and streamers. I received a suggestion to go up to people and talk and almost did, but then convinced myself that no one wanted to hear what I had to say.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw man and a woman walking around with this tablet in their hands. The woman was giving people readings using this tablet. I watched, suspicious, as she spoke with a woman, telling her things about her life and her future. I observed for a while and when the pair went on their way I decided to approach the woman. I didn’t say much as she held her tablet close to my phone.

I looked at the tablet curiously. It was like no device I had ever seen. The screen had mathematical symbols on it and diagrams alongside astrological symbols and charts. The woman glanced at the screen and said, “I hear, ‘Montana’ and ‘Firefly’.” I recognized the two words but didn’t response to her. Instead, I turned away and sat on a bench hoping she would go away. The woman then went into detail about my mother, telling me things only I would know about her but that could easily be gotten from an astrological chart. Specifically, the woman mentioned my mother had Leo as her moon. I remember recognizing Leo as significant, not only in my chart but my mom’s and my husband’s (he’s also a Leo moon). I was not impressed.

Somehow I ended up with her tablet in my hands. She told me, “I’ll be right back,” and I sat looking at the device. I was suspicious of it and so went back to my group to ask for assistance in determining its legitimacy.

I entered a large room full of people laying against walls in sleeping bags, blankets and pillows. It reminded me of a homeless shelter but I knew it was just where we all were gathered. I announced to the group that I was looking for help determining the validity of the tablet I was holding and told them they only had 9.5 minutes to figure it out. Two men raised their hands and I agreed to let them look at it. My main concern was that the tablet somehow hacked my phone, stealing my personal info and giving it to the woman.

Both men agreed that the device was legitimate but cautioned me about letting my phone get near it just in case. They could find no evidence that it “hacked” my phone but I was still wary. I could see the woman talking with another customer and she glanced my way. I knew she was coming back.

Then I was back with the woman. She held the device up and let me look at its screen. I felt pulled into the screen and found myself in space surrounded by stars and planets. The device then showed me all the people the woman had helped before me but it was information, their charts, their astrological information, their choices and options – everything. The info was presented in charts, graphs and mathematical symbols.

I recognized I was being shown the blueprints for each of their lives on Earth and understood that though there was quite a bit of information contained within these blueprints, each person had free-will and so their future was never completely known/clear until they created it themselves via their decisions.

When my blueprint came up I recognized everything and told the woman, “I already know all of this and it is quite boring, really.” She said, “At least you never murder/kill anyone.” Still unimpressed I replied, “Yeah, I’ve never killed anyone.” Looking at my blueprint on the screen, I asked, “Can you tell me anything I don’t know?” She asked, “What do you want to know?”

With her question I felt a distinct shift take place. The woman was no longer with me and her voice morphed from feminine to masculine within the span of the time it took her to ask the question. I was back inside the tablet screen – or “space” – but this time I was hovering over planet Earth looking down at the United States. It looked like an aerial view so I was able to see the coastline, geographical features, clouds, the ocean and the entire continent from coast to coast from my vantage point – the east coast.

I was mentally answering her/his question in my mind. I saw letters typed up on a screen in my mind. I had asked to be shown something I had trouble describing. The word, “SEX” slowly appeared and I said, “No. Not quite that…” Then a sentence appeared below it, but I can’t recall what it said because I was watching the aerial view of the U.S. below me in awe. A tiny, blue dot was zig-zagging around above the map. It went out into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, into the UK and then back toward the US like it was on a plane traveling between the two continents. As the neon blue dot moved, it left a trail behind it. The trail eventually formed a neon blue path showing where it had been. The circles and loops were beautiful. It was fascinating!

When I found the words and feelings to describe what I wanted, the words, “Hieros Gamos” were printed out over the Atlantic Ocean in very large, white, bold letters. A line formed under each word as if to indicate importance. The tiny blue dot, now over the eastern United States, was traveling in a northerly direction. As it traveled it encountered other blue dots, each had its own trajectory that was faded compared to my dot’s trajectory. The dot paused at each dot it encountered and continued on its path. I knew the dot I was watching represented me. The dot traveled from off the map, near Texas (my home state), along what I think was the Blue Ridge Parkway, then north and then turned south. It encountered a few other dots and I saw about 20 more dots scattered across the region as far south as Florida. I remember thinking each dot was a person and that my dot was searching for something specific.

Around the middle part of the eastern coast my dot stopped at another dot and I watched as it began to circle it and then “dance” with it. It looked like a clock-wise swirl and the two blended together into one. Then the two dots, now merged, shot off like a shooting star to the left, over the Appalachian Mountains and finally disappeared over Canada. I heard in my mind (or maybe I sang it), a line from a song, “Then we’ll shoot across the sky….”

At this point I recognized I was dreaming and that a specific message was being given. My lucidity caused the end of the dream to fade out, leaving only the visual of that map of the US in my mind as I awoke.

Considerations

The location on the map of the U.S. was clear to me when I woke up. I must admit I wasn’t pleased with knowing where this other dot was located. It felt like the answer I received was limiting me to this one “dot” in that one location. Was there really only one? Do I not have any other options available to me? I wanted to ask the “tablet” or man/woman in my dream these questions, but it was too late.

The song that went through my head was this one:

There is a particular incident, a brief time period in my life, that this songs goes with. It reminds me of this time whenever I hear it.

Anyway, the symbolism of the dream is clear. My closet, or my safe place, is getting crowded and at some point I am going to have to venture out and be around people again. lol I can’t help but laugh because I can feel that sense of being crowded into a tight space in my waking life. It is subtle now but there. It is asking me to go back out into the world; nudging me. For example, this morning as I was putting in my contacts, I had a strange, near-compulsory urge to go online and start searching for elementary school counseling jobs. And with it was a whisper of a voice saying, “Once Covid conditions have passed they [the kids] will need someone like you….”. It felt as if an opening created just for me would be there when I wanted it. Whaaaat!? I pushed it out of my mind right away. Why would I go back to counseling when I have such a cushy, work-from-home job!? I’d be crazy to give that up for bureaucratic BS and long hours.

I have no doubt I was being shown how blueprints are created and how they are used in an Earth lifetime. I also think I was being reminded that I always have a choice. Always. If only it was as simple as watching a little blue dot zig-zag around.