Category Archives: Dreams

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Past Forward

An odd theme is presenting itself lately. It seems like past relationships are returning to the present. Usually, this takes place in dreams but it has also seeped into physicality. For example, an ex from years ago has been communicating with me via email for a couple of weeks. I reached out to him first because I read an old email from my journals and wanted to tell him something about what I’d learned from that time. He seemed overjoyed to hear from me and has been emailing me, though intermittently. In the past his emails were very sporadic. He would wait weeks before responding to me and it was very agonizing for the me of almost 20 years ago. Now, I don’t have that issue at all, and his pauses don’t even phase me. I would love to talk like we use to but am feeling like taking my time with this unfolding. What will result, IDK and I don’t have any expectations otherwise.

Similarly, it was not long ago when my “twin” came to mind out of the blue and I felt like he would be contacting me. The reminders began as little hints from the environment like seeing his name here and there or hearing a song from that painful time. Then one night, not long ago, my guides warned me that soon I would be either contacted by him or something similar. It surprised me and then I told my guidance, “I don’t care. I don’t want to talk to him.” 

Then this morning I woke up around 4am from a dream with him in it. When I went back to sleep I had another dream of him.

Dream: Black Mustang

This dream is hard to recall because the second dream overwrote it. 

I remember being around my “twin” in the dream. Mostly, I observed him from a distance. When I recognized him it made an impact and I’m surprised I didn’t become lucid in the dream. I recall seeing another woman with him. She had blonde, almost white hair that came to her shoulders. I never saw her face as her back was to me. 

The next thing I remember is discussing a departure flight time and being outside standing in the snow (frozen emotion) which was very crusty like it had melted and refrozen many times. Parts of it were in drifts so that when you stepped on the surface it would crack and you would fall through to your waist. There was mention of skiing but I don’t think a ski (getting through difficult times) trip was involved. My “twin” said his flight was at 8am and asked me when mine was. I told him, “Not until 1pm.” 

After he left I was sitting alone feeling off and a bit confused. Old emotions were resurfacing and I felt like I had no one to talk to and that no one who could listen would understand. A woman who was concerned and felt motherly asked me what was wrong. I told her, “I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop thinking about him.” It was a bit of a relief to share this but it didn’t make me feel any better. I was reliving that time in my life. The mother figure said, “You should tell him how you feel.” 

Thankfully, the memories of those emotions didn’t get strong enough to wake me. They were muted but there, especially the upset at not being able to stop thinking about him. It made me feel obsessed and I didn’t want to feel that way.

To my surprise, he returned for a visit. I was overjoyed to see him. He came to show me his Mustang convertible (desires, dreams and wishes). I remember it as both a white color and then a black color. It would shift between the two – the one from my memory (white) and the one he was actually driving (black). He invited me into the car and so I crawled into the back seat. I looked up at the roof which was unlike any convertible I’ve been inside. Only a foot wide sliver of the roof was open to the sky. I could see the underside of the roof. It was sparkling as if covered in glitter. I commented that it was like seeing the stars. Like the car, the color of the roof shifted between black and white. 

I awoke from this dream feeling the muted emotions trying to break the surface. My response was to allow some to do so but then I said, “I’m not going to go there again” and stopped the tears. A guide was close and I spoke to her for a bit. I remember saying, “I still love him”, feeling sad and wishing this life would end. My guide asked me if I thought my wish to leave this life might be connected to my lives with him. I replied that it likely did, though I’ve felt that way since before I met him in this lifetime. I reflected on the past lives I’ve recalled with him and how I often ended up dead after he chose to turn his back on me, leave me, abandon me or ignore me. It felt like the pattern was on-going. The only difference in this life is I’m still alive. 

Dream: Bridge of Cars

When I returned to sleep I entered another dream. This time I didn’t see my “twin” but instead was observing a rickety bridge (transition), one of those kind that is made of rope and wood planks. It was high in the air and swinging. On the bridge were several cars (lives of others) attempting to cross. They were stopped in the center because of the swinging of the bridge. I could see an off-shoot that was roped off, an exit or alternate route. It felt very precarious and it seemed like the cars wouldn’t make it.

The next thing I recall is seeing this Asian man crawling on the underside of the bridge towards the exit. He seemed unafraid as he navigated the moving bridge, crawling underneath it by grabbing onto the rotted and sometimes broken planking. I remember he purposefully didn’t look down. He slipped at one point, nearly falling, but didn’t let it phase him. He successfully climbed onto solid ground and then helped the cars pass through. 

I remember talking to my guide while this dream was occurring. There is memory of my guides referring to my “twin” as “your cousin”. This made me pause as I contemplated what that might mean. It likely means we are very, very close soul family (first tier). Then I asked, “What should I do?” The response I got was, “He wants you to do the work.” This answer was given around the time I saw the man crawl up onto solid ground. I don’t know why, but I broke down sobbing and woke up.

Considerations

When I woke I was wondering about what I was told about doing “the work”. I don’t know exactly what it refers to. My own clearing work? If so, I have no idea what that entails. I thought back on that time in my life and reflected a bit on it. Perhaps I am being asked to finish what was started? If so, what does that entail? Am I suppose to contact him? Or am I just suppose to release those emotions and the past? Or are we meant to reconnect and finish this together? And then maybe “the work” just has to do with my purpose here.

It seemed to me like we’ve had many lifetimes where we meet briefly and then move on. I am always blown away by the love and connection. My guess is I become clingy or intense and this is scary to him and he withdraws. I remember thinking that our short encounters are purposeful. We meet to impact each other, to catalyze one another, and then go on our way. 

I thought of the time we met in person for the first time. The desire to hug him and never let go was very strong. It was something I couldn’t control. The Kundalini was always threatening to explode upward and I struggled to push it down, but I succeeded. We both experienced an odd bubble of energy that night that kept us awake. At the time I didn’t know what it was, but I think I do now. That energy was our Higher Selves attempting to merge, to create that telepathic/energetic link. I don’t think I was resisting. I remember being in awe of the energy and not really minding that it kept me awake. It felt like I was three times my normal size! He told me that it bothered him, though, so I suspect he was resisting. Afterward he withdrew a little more every day until, ultimately, he disconnected.

I also recalled how my “twin’s” HS seemed to me. He was always playing around, teasing me and trying to get me to laugh. Our relationship in Spirit is very mischievous and playful. At other times we would just sit or walk together holding hands, our mind’s quiet and our hearts overflowing with love. The part of me that is playful is evident. He brings it out of me. In this lifetime (and others) we both tend to be overly serious, me more than him in this life. Our HS find this amusing and we often tease one another about it. 

The bridge dream appears to be symbolic of the work my “twin” is doing (and me also). We act as bridges, helping others across; Wayshowers. It is clear to me that we did not come into this life to be together romantically and that part of my lesson is to be able to accept friendship with him despite wanting so much more. When I am able to accept the love I have for him without expectation, then the energy between us will flow smoothly and resistance will melt away. 

Honestly, I don’t know how I can feel the kind of love I felt for him and not cling to it. I am able to easily stay disconnected from the sexual bliss/flow, but not the heart bliss/flow. The heart bliss makes me feel like I am Home – Whole – and since I have such Homesickness here, feeling Home is pretty much all I want to feel.

Past Forward

This time of year always seems to bring the past forward to the present for inspection. I suspect it’s astrological and I don’t mind it really, though sometimes it can be painful. It wasn’t long ago that I was reading through my old journals and focusing on past relationships, some romantic and some just friendly. I noticed how my memories of those people and times do not match what I wrote in my journal! So much I forgot and so much I changed – why? I think perhaps we all tweak our stories over time, focusing on the lessons and so losing or altering the “facts”. And maybe altering memories is a kind of coping mechanism, too, to help us feel less “wrong” or put a Band-Aid on the hurt. I most definitely covered up some things. I’m grateful to my journal for showing me the truth. I most definitely wrote details down, even copying and pasting full email conversations! So there’s no denying what that truth was – is.

As for my “twin” experience, I think there is still some healing to do, some love to allow and some forgiveness to give (of myself and him). The less I judge myself and others, the easier it gets to accept the lessons of the past and integrate them into the Now. One thing is for certain, the love never dies no matter how many Band-aids and story edits.

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Ser-Vive!

Another memorable dream.

Dream: Ser-Vive!

The beginning of the dream is hazy. I remember traveling in the mountains. There was lots of snow and many pauses along the way. My husband and children were with me but they were always in my peripheral. My husband was occasionally within view but blurry. What I do recall of his looks does not match my husband in this lifetime. Instead of fair hair and eyes, the man I saw had dark, almost black hair, pale skin and a sinewy build. 

As we traveled there was discussion that seemed to go on in the background. As I recall it now, it is clear that I was conversing with my guidance and the dream morphed from that conversation. Only bits and pieces of info remain along with the accompanying visuals. 

I remember recognizing the “four elements” and seeing them appear as colors in my visual field alongside the dream scenario that was playing out. For example, brown was Earth and red/orange was Fire. In my dream, I sat selecting colors to form a rainbow and was especially seeking the Air and Water elements. For some reason, I selected green because I noticed it was missing in the rainbow. I selected it to represent Water while blue represented Air and put a beautiful orange and yellow alongside the red recognizing their combination to create Fire.

At one point I was standing outside in the snow with a mother and her daughter. She was taking photographs but the image was not clear. It was so cold that the ice crystals were suspended in the air. At the time I was traveling with my husband to our destination, climbing into a large, black truck or SUV. I recall a voice whispering to me, our discussion in the background of the dream moving me along the path of my dream experience. The destination was stressed as important. It felt almost as if I were reading an epic fantasy novel where the protagonist was being ushered towards their purpose by supporting characters. 

The destination turned out to be a cave located somewhere in the mountains. When we entered the cave, a mystic was waiting for us. I don’t know the mystic’s gender as it shifted constantly as did his/her face. The mystic was hunched over, held a staff in hand and wore a brown cloak. The mystic said, “It’s about time.” 

On the floor in front of the mystic was a man laying face down and splayed out as if he had fallen from a great height. Was he dead? No. It was clear that he represented the future and I knew somehow that the man that was with me would become the man on the floor but not yet. We were in the place of no-time – somewhere between the past and the future but not in the present.

The mystic spoke to my “husband” asking him if he knew why he was there. I don’t remember the conversation but it was positive. My husband seemed to know exactly why he was there. He had a purpose to fulfill and a destination to reach. The mystic nodded, pleased at the response he received.

Then my husband shifted from beside me to the floor. I don’t recall seeing him after that.

Next, the mystic asked me the same questions. I don’t recall my answer, just that I felt undecided how to answer. What was the right answer? Would I say the wrong thing? Unlike my “husband” my purpose was not clear to me. I didn’t feel to have a destination at all, actually.

Sadly, much of what we said is lost to my memory now, which is likely how it is suppose to be. What I remember happening was that the Mystic told me my purpose was to “survive”. I didn’t like hearing this. What do you mean, survive? That seems so pointless. 

The mystic said to me, “I have a letter for you.” I could see the letter as the mystic pulled it out. I don’t know what words were said here but the letter felt to be one written between myself and my husband, though I don’t know if I wrote to him or him to me. It felt like I was being offered this letter. I wanted to read it but for some reason I didn’t take the letter. Instead, my mind drifted as I thought of how pointless my life felt. 

There was a long pause. I remember saying, “Why did I go back to him (my “husband” in the dream)?” I am thinking this man was my ex in this life, but he most obviously isn’t! Yet I Know I return to him over and over again, his destination becoming my own for a while. Why?

I soon realized I had shifted into my mind, caught up in the questions I had about my “husband”.

Eventually, it became clear that the mystic had turned away from me focusing elsewhere. I didn’t want that so I questioned the mystic. The mystic said, “You don’t want to stay”. At the time it felt like the mystic meant I didn’t want to stay there in that cave and wanted to leave. In hindsight I believe what the mystic meant was I did not want to stay in this life and fulfill my purpose so then there was no point in continuing our discussion.

Concerned, I told the mystic I did want to continue and so the mystic turned back toward me. 

What I recall next is a mixture of thoughts and visuals. I do not know what was said first, or last. The progression is lost and I believe this to be the result of being in the Now where all is experienced at the same time.

I recall being asked how I serve others. My answer was that I use my Voice – I tell them what they need to hear. There was a strong pulling sensation in my throat when I said this, like knowledge was moving into my throat and out of my mouth.

The word “survive” came up again but this time along with the word “service”. My mind went to certain ideas that have been coming to me recently, ideas about volunteering, helping others, and just generally being of service however I can. Yet, I have no idea how to go about this and so just push it out of my mind because no one is asking me for my help. I feel I must be invited, but invitations don’t come very often. This left me with a feeling of failure, even more so now that I was being reminded that service is why I am here. 

Then I recalled a vision I had long ago when my gifts first materialized. In it I was standing in a mist between heaven and earth (or at least two places), assisting those on one side to get to the other. I was also reminded of how I brought my “husband” to the cave where he continued on to his final destination. Thus, I saw myself as a kind of escort, taking people from one point to another. I took people to their destinations (purpose), but I had no “destination” of my own, not really. I just moved back and forth over and over again.

For some reason, learning this made me extremely sad. How awful to not have a destination except that of the person I am currently helping! What of my own destination!!?

The word service was repeated and the scene shifted.

I was now standing with my mother who was beside a bed with a pile of luggage. She was going on a trip and had all her belongings packed. She stood with a small bag in her hands. Inside were many cassette tapes. She was smiling as she looked down at them. She told me they were recorded songs given to her by her husband to keep her company on her long journey. I knew she was preparing to leave and said, “I have some great songs you could take with you. Would you like them?” She seemed undecided. I remember mentioning one song. If she could just take one, I think she would like it. My mom agreed but then I remembered and said, “Oh, I left it at home.” In my mind I saw a CD case full of CD’s stored under my bed. 

Then, I woke up.

Considerations

As I awoke I knew the scene with my mother was an example of my purpose. It confused me, though. The symbolism of my mom with her packed luggage seems to point to her exiting this life, her luggage full of memories. I knew in the dream that she was leaving soon and that everyone leaves this place eventually. Then, so must I, correct? We all eventually die, our destination being Home, correct?

Then my guidance reminded me that I volunteered to be here. I am a volunteer. Maybe my Home (destination) is different?

This is when the word “Wayshower” came to my mind. Is that what I am? Is that what the vision meant? I’m escorting people their destinations? I pause and think, “Not that again (Wayshower, volunteer, guide, etc).” lol

The Ferryman comes to mind but then that doesn’t fit exactly, just the going back and forth, over and over again. Sigh.
So, then, my Home is not the same Home my mom is returning to? Or is it?

I don’t understand. 

Not long after I wake the word “service” pops in my head again. I accept it. “Fine”, I think, what else can I do? And then I wonder about being told “survive” and I see the word survive another way – Ser-Vive. Vive is French for “Live!”. So I am being told my purpose is to, “Sur-Vive = Serve Life”. 

I’m so not feeling it. lol

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Lucid Dream: Woman in Black

Prior to bed last night I felt a presence in front of me. When I acknowledged “him” I heard, “Are you ready?” I replied, “Yes.” The presence faded a bit and then was hardly noticeable. 

Lucid Dream: Woman in Black

The dream began inside a small cabin with only one room (similar to a recent OBE). The room had a bathroom/changing room and a couple of small windows draped with tulle-like, colored fabric and there was fabric in other areas as well, all pastel colors. There was an older lady in the room with me talking about performing a musical involving singing and dancing. I remember commenting that it was not difficult and demonstrated a few dance moves that resembled ballet. 

Eventually, I excused myself to the bathroom and while inside relieved myself in such a way as it brought on full lucidity in my dream. This is when it was obvious to me that I was accompanied by someone, a voice without form or gender.

When I exited the bathroom I seemed to be seeking something or someone. The voice came with me, always a bit behind or to the side and just out of view. 

Instead of finding myself inside the cabin (success on one’s own), I was standing on a porch (new opportunity) looking upon a mountain scene filled with tall pine trees. Ahead of me was a rocky, overgrown road. As I stepped off the porch (which I never saw but just assumed was there), I knew it was raining and mentally said, “I will feel the rain.” Sure enough, I could feel the cool rain (emotion) as it hit my skin and felt it running down my arms and legs. Beneath my feet I felt the cool, round stones (obstacles) of the road. Feeling it all so acutely and seeing everything so clearly, I became delighted and ran along the road down the hill. I told my companion, “The rocks don’t hurt my feet.”

For some reason I believed myself to have entered the past and was curious about what I would find ahead of me. There was a sense of direction, like I knew where I was and where I was going. For example, I knew ahead of me, at the bottom of the hill, I would find a much bigger road, and I did. The road was much smaller than I recalled, though, and this is when I realized I was floating just above the tree line. Looking down at the road, hidden by the trees, I flew down to its edge and thought at first it was paved but soon recognized the dirt was just well packed from all the traffic. The road was very narrow, as if for foot traffic and carts. 

I heard the familiar noise of a car engine and soon saw a small, rounded vehicle coming towards me. I hid behind the trees and watched in surprise as it parked. I thought, “How are there cars here in the past?” I stayed hidden as I watched a large man exit the tiny car. I worried he would see me, and he did, but he only glanced at me and then went on his way. I saw other cars parked nearby and eventually my curiosity pulled me out of hiding.

What I saw next reminded me of a small, seaside village. There were rows of tiny, identical, brightly colored houses lining the beaches and a small harbor. I wondered why the houses were such bright colors and was told that was all that was available. I accepted this answer. The scene was so vivid and colorful that I stopped briefly to take it all in. Eventually, I felt pulled to keep looking for whatever I was looking for, and so moved on.

There was a shift and I entered a warehouse (stored energy/hidden resources). It was quite open and clean with light gray floor, walls and ceiling. There was a woman holding a very tall, black, metal object that resembled a square post. She was inserting it into this machine, holding it steady as she fed it vertically down into it. Watching her, it soon became clear that she was inserting a massive key into a kind of lock. The metal object had various cutouts on it that the lock adjusted to and I heard the lock click as it unlocked. 

From this point, I went deeper into the warehouse, still looking. In another room I encountered a group of workers, all men. Their supervisor whispered to them to stop working and keep an eye on me. He said something like, “Watch that woman…” What he said indicated that he wanted to make sure I was safe, worried that I may get hurt by the machinery. 

I went into another room. A man was sitting in his station where he was operating some other kind of machine. The room was very long and composed of many isles similar to a bowling ally. 

Recognizing what I was seeking was not there, I turned and left.

When I exited, the scene shifted and I was again outside in the middle of a town with hard, packed dirt roads lined with modern buildings. In front of me was a very nice building with tall, glass entry doors and arched pillars. Its color was a very light tan and its texture was smooth and without seams. There was a sign out front with big, black letters that read: CORE. The letter C was a crescent moon (feminine energy). 

For some reason, I didn’t recognize the word as CORE but instead as a church. I knew this was the place I was looking for and immediately started to run towards it at a full sprint. I don’t know why.

This is when the invisible presence next to me became visible. A woman wearing a black, Victorian style, full-length, lace gown, sprinted in front of me and went through the glass doors before I could get to them. She was completely black from head to toe! A black cat trailed behind her.

Shocked, I ran faster, trying to catch up.

When I burst through the double glass doors the woman was standing there facing me. She was waiting for me, her cat sitting at her feet. I remember Knowing she was there for me, and she was who I had been seeking, but before I could speak to her she vanished into thin air, leaving her cat behind. I remember saying, “Of course!” with a Knowing that she would do just that.

I stood there for a bit, shocked at what had just happened and communicating with the voice. There was encouragement. I was being asked to stay. My response was that it was all too much. I felt overwhelmed but also confused. The whole lucid experience to that point and the many signs and symbols began to pull me away from the scene. I felt my energy returning to my body slowly, flowing like water. The sensation was familiar and calming.

Understanding

When I woke I recognized the lock and key as symbolic of a door being opened and the woman as being my shadow aspect, a part of me yet unknown and perhaps holding secrets that were to be revealed. The cat at her feet and the crescent moon are both symbolic of the feminine. The word CORE is another clue: core wound, core Self, core of the problem. 

As I lingered in bed, trying to stay awake so that I could recall the entirety of the experience, I inevitably entered the in-between where I had another dream that I can’t recall now. There were visions intermixed with discussions, also.

In one vision I saw a snake very clearly. It was moving, slithering, and then it vanished as I exited the vision. I recognized its significance as I recalled a physical snake encounter I had just two days ago on my morning walk. Snake = Kundalini = transformation.

I recalled a conversation with my guidance, from when I’m not sure, but I know it happened. In it, I was reminded of the year 2015. That spring I made some major gains. The Kundalini was burning through blocks and I felt the best I have in this life. I was certain, filled with Knowing and calm. My days were filled with unexpected surges of joy. Joy for just Being. A child-like joy that would rush through me and make me want to giggle and hug and kiss whoever was closest to me.

That year I met a twin flame/heart connection that further catalyzed the energy and the Kundalini was volcanic and explosive, filling my ears with a roaring sound and paralyzing me with ecstasy. 

In this conversation I was asked to compare what I am experiencing now to then. The surges of joy have returned, that is for certain. I just overflow with joy, love and gratitude. My mind is calm and quiet. I feel content with just Being. The Kundalini is much quieter than it was back then, though. The energy is much more calm and blissful but there is still a hint of an untamed desire that ebbs and flows underneath it all. When I feel that desire, I initially want it to grow, but then disengage completely.

I am again asked why I resist. I say, “I’m not”. I hear back, “You ARE.” lol And I eventually agree: I am. The reason being that anything that feels that good has to be bad. In this physical, dualistic reality, something that good screams, “Caution. Turn back.” 

And so a conversation I’ve had more times than I can count begins, again, but I will leave it at that. It is clear, though, that the woman in black is me and she is beckoning me to follow her and face her full-on. Maybe her disappearing is symbolic of an untruth? Perhaps she was trying to tell me there is nothing about myself that is ever truly hidden? Those things which feel BIG and scary are neither.

A song is going through my head the entire time: “My head and my heart…..” The conversation shifts to questions regarding following my heart and silencing my mind. What if I followed my heart? What if I followed that feeling? Why not? My head is what tells me what I feel is “bad”. My head is what tells me what I feel is “illogical”. And the more I think about what I feel, the more justified I am in ignoring it. When angels tell me “run” and monsters call it “love”.

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Running from Amour

Are you running from something? 

I awoke this morning from a strange dream and even stranger sensation that swept over me. I realized quickly I was conversing with someone. Our talk convinced me that I am running. Sprinting even.

Dream – Hungry

I only recall the tail-end of the dream. My memory begins on a dirt road in the woods where I stop as I witness someone fall. There is a bridge made of heavy metal and somehow the bridge lifts up, like a drawbridge. A person with a cart falls down into the creek below.

I run to help search for the person. It feels like I was traveling with the person. As I climb down into the creek bed I can’t remember if I find them or not because the dream gets hazy.

The next thing I recall is climbing down large boulders and rocks towards the edge of the ocean. I can see people in military uniform swimming in the ocean. I question one of them and he says, “These are our orders.” I think it odd that they have been ordered to swim and look out across the water for evidence of this. Sure enough, I see other men in uniform swimming in the ocean. They seem to be having a good time, too. A group of them is lingering around a massive, concrete footing for a bridge that is no longer present. Perhaps it fell into the ocean long ago? What strikes me as odd is that these men are shining with a silver light and when I look closer (they are far away) I make out what looks like shiny, silver scales along their backs like they are wearing some kind of armor. Note: I wrote the word “amour” instead of armor and I do not think this is coincidence. You’ll see why.

One of the men in uniform comes swimming close by and tosses a tray of food onto the shore. A young, blonde girl sitting nearby kicks the tray of food away in rejection. I grab the tray before it falls into the water and scold her saying, “Don’t do that. Someone might want to eat that even if you do not.” I took the tray of food and offered it to another child who was also sitting on the shore.

I climb up toward the young, blonde girl who rejected the food. I see my sister near her, sitting quietly on a rock looking out to sea.  I sit down next to the blonde girl and we talk for a bit. The girl says very little when I ask her why she kicked the food. She seems to not be there wholly. Then there is a whole section of the dream that seems to come into my mind like a vision. It feels to be part of a conversation and distracts me from the young girl momentarily.

The vision shows my sister and my mother as one person, their faces blurring from one to the other and morphing as I try to focus. There is a Knowing that one or both of them is dead and I am being allowed to know this ahead of time. I wonder aloud, “Is this the last time I see them?” There is a sense of loss that comes with this and a feeling that time is slipping away and if I do not pay attention, my time with my mom/sister will be gone. Focusing on the shifting face of my mom/sister there is regret and a sense of lost time. It is similar to how one feels when they grow older and suddenly realize their children have grown up and they can’t figure out what happened to all the time they thought they had.

With this momentary sadness comes a thought-flow that I think belongs to my sister. Do I somehow telepathically connect with her? IDK but the thoughts would be along the lines of what she may be thinking now. She is worrying about her son, wondering how they will get him to school every day with a vehicle that is unreliable and no permanent place to sit their RV. She is wondering if she will have to have her son stay with someone. She is wondering if anyone will help her.

My attention suddenly shifts back to the young girl I am sitting with and the issue at hand: her rejection of the food. I recognize that she is hungry and say to her, “You are grumpy because you haven’t eaten. You should get something to eat.” There is recognition that she is like me (she IS me). 

Explanation: As a little child I experienced something unique when it came to hunger. When I got hungry I wouldn’t recognize it as hunger. I would get so hungry I’d get grumpy and irrational, pushing food away, feeling sick at the sight of food, and refusing to eat. Only when I was forced to take a bite would I realize I was starving and then I would devour the food quickly and with relief.

In the dream I was explaining this to the little girl, trying to convince her that how she was feeling was the direct result of her hunger.

For some reason my attention is once again pulled away as if I am conversing with someone behind the scenes of the dream. This time, I shift into a dream scene where I am staring at text on a computer screen – a blog post. I decide I want to take a post I’d written and combine it with another. I begin to copy the text, right clicking on my mouse and moving down the screen from the first word to the last. As I do this I feel this amazing feeling sweep over my body, as if the mouse is highlighting my energy body instead of the text. The feeling produces a strong attraction, like a magnetic pull. It was so sublime I pause and sink into the feeling of it. It is marvelous!

Conversation

The feeling pulls me out of my reverie and the dream fades as I acknowledge that I’m not alone. My heart lights up momentarily with the recognition of who I’m communicating with. The feeling lingers but lessens, the energy swirling about, ebbing and flowing as if conscious. It feels very much like someone is dancing with me but at a distance. My heart sparks briefly but I pull away. 

I attempt to dismiss what I Know is happening and focus on my dreams. I recognize that the little girl in the dream is me and I know immediately that my “hunger” is causing me to reject the very nourishment I need. 

The amazing magnetic energy returns and swirls around me, lighting up my heart. A voice asks, “Do you feel that?” I reply that I do. I wonder (or maybe I am asked) why I pull away. I realize with great clarity that I am running away from it. I reply, “I’m scared.” 

The energy I am “dancing” with feels to be teasing me. It comes closer and then withdraws. I reach for it and it pulls away. It is not long before I recognize that it is not pulling away, I am. 

I am asked, “Why?” I don’t recall my exact answer but when I think on it now, the answer is that the feeling is so BIG, so amazingly and perfectly matched to me, that I can’t believe it is real. It must be a trap. It has to be a trap. It has to be “bad”, right? Yet when I feel it, I am so drawn to it that all I want to do is let it consume me completely; be one with it. 

With this I experience a brief vision and energetic sensation. In the vision I see someone put their hand into my stomach area, just above my right hipbone. I resist. The hand withdraws and a hole is visible. It is clear that what I am experiencing and seeing is healing and I acquiesce. The hand reaches in and pulls out a cord or energy. Something releases. I feel a twinge of discomfort when this occurs. Afterward the energy is noticeable in the area and as I continue to talk to this Other, the energy moves upward, ever so slowly, towards my heart.

From this point on there is a definite recognition of the Other and we continue to communicate. I remember discussing what could be – a walk in the woods, a quiet evening, just BEing together. It all feels and sounds wonderful and I agree to stop resisting. However, it seems I am not in control of that as the resistance remains. There is Knowing that I must be patient as this is a process that cannot be rushed. I feel patience from the Other along with willingness and an acceptance of what Is. 

Amour

Back to the “coincidence” mentioned above. I believe that armor in my dream is relevant here in that I wear quite a bit of it to protect myself from potential hurt. So, in writing “amour” instead of “armor” I am being told that love (amour) is the only thing that can penetrate that armor. 

This goes further in that before bed last night I was feeling drawn to a images of castles in a show I was watching. There was a very Arabian feel to the show and the images in it. It felt almost as if I was returning to my past, and when that thought crossed my mind I felt that, in one or more of my past lives, I’d had a great love, one that trumps all other love. And momentarily, I felt a rush to my heart but pushed it away because….well it scares me for some reason. 

And it feels to me the reason for my pushing this love away stems from a deep wound which was made fresh by an experience in this life that reminded me of the very real pain that comes from losing love. So the overall message is that I am “running from amour”. It sounds ridiculous and it is, but then fear is a very real thing and fear of losing a love like that, well, I can completely relate.

There is also a movie named Amour. Whether it is a movie I should watch, IDK, but I might. It seems like the kind of movie I would like.

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The Best of Us is no Better Than the Worst of Us

Sleep has not been my friend lately. Where I had a good month of great sleep, sometimes 10 hours or more, now I am lucky if I get a solid 6-7 hours. It could be due to the environment. In Costa Rica I slept exceptionally well but then I was rarely around people, had no schedule to keep and purposefully did very little. Since returning home I’ve returned to my previous schedule and am again exercising, though not as frequently and only when I feel like it. My encounters with people are much higher here at home and my time in nature limited. So, at night I often find myself staring into the darkness, sometimes for hours, not really finding good, solid sleep until after midnight.

Last night I fell asleep pretty quickly but then woke at 1:30am and found our car gone from the driveway. Realizing my husband had driven somewhere in the middle of the night, I was concerned and tried to call only to discover his phone ringing downstairs. So, I lay awake until I heard him return because I was worried. When he returned I discovered he had gone to the office (lol). My worries abated but my mind was very awake for some time after.

I lay awake thinking of a recent incident mostly.

Since June our company has been dealing with fraudulent checks written against our checking account. We opted to get a system where we upload the checks numbers and amounts and any check that doesn’t match one of these checks/amounts is flagged and has to be approved before it clears the account. It stops the fraud 100% which makes my job so much easier. Well, just this week, one of the fraudulent checks that came through was written by an ex-employee, someone who had worked for the company 9 years and who I’ve known 14 years. He is 72yrs old and recently had double hip replacement. That he would write a $20k check using our company’s account info, printed on checks ordered with our checking info on them, is a shock. Turns out he is well aware, did it knowingly, pushed by a group of people he met online and has since become friendly with. The group pulled him in with sexual content, specifically a young women who he fell in love with. This caused his wife to divorce him, kick him out and subsequently he left his job to move in with the woman. He recently admitted that he gave this group all his personal information to use as they pleased – old check stubs, bank info, addresses, people he knew, etc. When they ask him to write and sign checks, he just does it.

Unable to comprehend this man’s sudden lack of judgement, my mind was pulled towards my sister’s situation and how I similarly am unable to comprehend her decisions. 

I knew before falling asleep that my dreams would align with my thoughts prior to bed. I don’t recall my dreams but when I awoke there was memory of a summary of a night’s-long discussion.

As I woke I heard this: “The best of us is no better than the worst of us and the worst of us is no worse than the best of us.”

Along with this message, I had flashes of various “memories” and Knew how it all fit together as a message. 

Honestly, I was a bit overwhelmed and also very ashamed of myself and my behavior in this life. What I was being told was that our main purpose in this physical experiment is to show love and compassion towards our fellow man. Jesus came to mind – how he taught that everyone is our brother and our sister. He loved everyone equally and unconditionally. The beggar and the leper were shown the same love and compassion as anyone else. If a stranger came knocking, asking for help, food, shelter, clothing and whatever they needed was provided without question or judgment. 

I saw how I withdrew help to my sister because of my judgement of her actions, my supposition of her situation and my overall lack of compassion for her and her family. Her actions and “lack of sane judgement” have been my justification for not helping, when I could – can. 

Of course, I wondered, “Surely I shouldn’t just give her money and whatever she asks for? She would just take advantage as she has proven she will by her past actions. So, if I am to help her, how?” My guidance said this, “Ask her, ‘How can I help you?’. When she answers, pay attention to your immediate response, the one that comes from your heart, not your mind, and offer her that.” I realized right away that she may actually answer by asking me to listen, to be available as her sister and to not judge her!

Then there was memory of a dream. On the 5th of August I woke up crying from a dream, but it didn’t make sense to me. 

In my dream I was being given a $2500 check from a very old, rich woman. I was very grateful but saw she wrote my name as “Dani”. When I tried to ask her to change it, she had left and her assistant told me, “No problem” and then scratched through the name and wrote in the correct one. The old lady came back and said, “I am going to pay all your expenses, too.” She handed me the check – a large, leather bound globe of Earth. I could feel the topography and details on the surface as I looked down at it. Across the top was a very long name written in black ink. The name was so long, it went around the entire circumference of the northern hemisphere. I saw my name a bit lower down, also written in black ink. Beside it was a signature line marked with an X. For some reason I thought the long name on top was of a lawyer and felt the check was a “joint check”, meaning that only when the lawyer gets paid will I get paid. The amount of the check was in the billions. The amount I would be paid after all expenses were paid was $500.

I asked for help on FB but everyone was saying it must be a warning of a class action lawsuit. I knew that was not correct. This morning I recognized why I was sad from the dream. I will not be “paid” until the entire population of Earth is “paid”. The lawyer represents “judgement” or better yet, the scales of justice. I was being shown that for me to escape this place, so must everyone else here. One does not leave without the rest. We are all One. 

This is not the first time I’ve heard: We are all One. Thus, for one to advance/ascend, so must all the others. We are only as advanced/ascended as the least advanced/ascended in the group. We leave no one behind.

The best of us is no better than the worst of us and the worst of us is no worse than the best of us. 

When telling my husband about what I woke Knowing, an analogy came to mind. Imagine a group of people on a tiny lifeboat out in the vast ocean. There is a destination but the only way the boat will make it to that destination is with every person on that boat alive and intact. The thing is, the boat is horribly overcrowded, there are few resources, and the winds are unfavorable. Somehow, though, everyone on the boat must get along and help one another in order to complete the journey. If even one person dies, jumps overboard or pushes others off, the journey will fail. The boat will not be received on the other side unless the original occupants are all accounted for. 

This is our predicament on Earth. Everyone is out for themselves. People are pushing others off the boat, restricting resources, choosing sides, and just generally being selfish and self-interested. The only truly successful life is one where we show love and compassion for our fellow brothers and sisters despite every inclination to do otherwise. 

In my recent review of my old journals I read through a conversation with my guidance. In it I asked if I could “sit out” the “game”. I was told, “Of course you can. It is your choice.” Similarly, the post from 2013 (Tossing Pebbles) repeats that we all have a choice: “It all comes down to you.” I realized that if I sit out the game, which tends to be what I do, then I am not helping anyone, especially myself.

I know that if I were to die today and do a life review, I would be saddened by my lack of love and compassion towards others. 

All of the above was clear to me as I awoke. Of course, I struggle to know how to make changes so that I can be more like Jesus was. It seems easy but so much of my conditioning says, “Protect what is mine. Us versus Them. Survival of the fittest.” Uh-huh, exactly the problem.

Of course, I jump to extreme examples in my mind but the change doesn’t have to be extreme and sudden change. It is simply approaching each moment, each encounter, with, “How can I help?” It is shifting from viewing others as strangers to others as being my brothers and my sisters. And most importantly, listening to my heart and following it. If I do all these things, life will slowly transform into a more loving and compassionate one, and with it so will I. 

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Days of Dreamwork

Since I’ve been back from Costa Rica, my dreams have been really vivid and somewhat odd! I often wake up with a realization or an understanding about some aspect of life. I have been warned now, several times, of upcoming changes. Some mornings I wake up in tears, other mornings I was up in ecstasy. lol I prefer the latter, of course, but, like you will see below, you can’t have the good without the bad. 😉

Below are some of those dreams.

July 25th – Dream: Embrace the Darkness

I was with a group and we were exploring an old resort that had been abandoned for a long time. It was still daylight when we went in. I saw a space that looked really new with large, leather sofa chairs and tables. I commented on how new they looked and wondered why they hadn’t sold them. I saw old phones and knew it had been a call center. Then we looked around and it started to get darker. We got separated and I was with this one guy. My flashlight on my phone wouldn’t work and settings kept coming up where I could select a weapon – knife, sword, etc. I began to get worried and at one point was all alone in a dark space. I worried it was haunted but nothing happened to confirm that. I remember seeing an old bathroom and walking down long halls. I knew to get out I had to go back the way I had come. I had to use the screen of my phone to light the way a few times but it was not near enough light. I remember thinking that the space was not unlike my dark bedroom and that all I had to do was close my eyes and go to sleep. There was nothing to be afraid of.

What is funny is that after I awoke and got out my phone, I accidentally turned on the flashlight! Hahaha!

I think the meaning of the last dream is that we need to get comfortable with the darkness. If we calmly walk through it we will find that the darkness is not scary at all and can be quite comforting. Eventually, if we are patient, we will find the Light. 

Ride the Wave, Enjoy the Ride

Recently, a FB ad kept coming up. After about the fifth time I paid attention and took a screenshot for proof. The reason it was so meaningful is because my sister’s name was in it. It is her name with the word “health” after it. Firstly, her name is rare. I’ve never met anyone with her name. Second, her name means “Goddess of truth”. Third, the word “health” does not describe her. If anything, her life has been the opposite. 

I sent the website to my mom and said, “Message or oxymoron?”

Later in the day, I spoke to my husband about my sister and her addictive tendencies. She works very hard to convince others she happy and without problems when on social media and even in person. I mentioned that she is afraid of her own darkness and so runs from it straight into anything which numbs her pain or hides the truth. I told him that we are not all that different from her, we just choose to distract ourselves in other, less harmful ways. 

Then last night I was finishing up watching a Netflix series called The Gift. The last episode reminded me of my dream. The show reminds us that life is a “gift”. The good and even the bad are to be relished. You cannot have one without the other. When I listened to the ending monologue I couldn’t help but think of the 8 Winds of Buddhism and how it applied. 

This morning, a dear friend of mine wrote about addiction and how so many of us are addicted, just not always to those things most stigmatized by society like drugs and alcohol. Addiction is our method of avoidance. Avoidance of pain, of uncomfortable truths, of life, etc. I realized what she wrote tied into everything above. This is part of what she wrote:

“What is your relationship to pain? Reflect on this….a lot. Learn to become aware of the pain, to stay present with it, to even be kind to it. Learn to breathe with it and give it space rather than allowing it to hold court. Stop believing that you shouldn’t have to feel it, or something is wrong with you or your life if it’s there. These are the fundamentals of self-compassion. If we don’t learn to consciously embrace our pain we will continue to self-medicate and dissociate from it, each other, and ourselves.”

So, it seems to me that my dream about the darkness was connected to the other incidents and realizations. I recognized this and understood that I need to confront some aspects of my own darkness. But what?

Dream: Just a Job

I remember being with a group of women. We were in a small space together getting ready – putting on makeup and making ourselves look beautiful. It didn’t take me long to recognize what we were preparing for. A knock came at the door and one woman was called forward and left with a man. I backed up, not really interested in working. I recognized that I was a call girl and knew I would be paid $65 for a half hour. 

I had all kinds of thoughts about my job. I remember knowing I enjoyed my work but then also that it was just “work”. I remember thinking it “fun” and being very interested in sexual acts of all kinds. I remember seeing two men together and being told to listen for a “pop” when they kissed (never heard it, not sure what it meant). I remember seeing a woman climb up on this inversion table-looking device where she laid out naked while another woman came from below. I saw all kinds of various sexual acts, some that would be considered taboo even, but I never once flinched. 

Then I was back in the room looking at a large palette of makeup. A woman was with me showing me some special lipsticks and bragging about selling them. It all reminded me of selling Mary Kay makeup and I was just not interested. In fact, I felt disinterested in pretty much everything in life. I just felt flat; neutral. I remember thinking that at least sex was fun. lol

When I woke I was a bit curious about the dream. It felt like it was an exploration of my past linked with some of my considerations in the present. It may explain why I don’t connect sex with love. Why I am so matter-of-fact when it comes to sex. I do recall past lives when I was a prostitute and it is likely I have been one in many more lives than I recall. The feeling of disinterest was strong and similar to how I feel presently. Perhaps this is part of my darkness? 

Regardless, the message seems to be that you can’t have the good without the bad. Ride the wave and enjoy the ride. 

July 26 – Night-Long Dream: Columbus Day

I was with a group in a forest. We were on a mission looking for someone(s). The most vivid part is when we went onto the lake (emotion). It was dark (unknown, hidden) and the water was solid but pliable. I was told that during the winter it would solidify only there was no ice, just darkness, almost like we were walking on the solar system in that it had a glittery appearance under the moonlight. At one point, though, a wave (unexpected event) came up and pushed me hard, throwing me a distance. Instead of landing on the surface, I fell down into the depths (forced into the unknown depths). Surprised that the water had opened up and swallowed me like that, I swam to the surface. As I swam, I saw a man’s foot and brushed his toes (togetherness). They were warm to the touch and I thought, “He’s still alive.” I told the people on top of the lake when I returned to them but we did not go get the man.

We then continued our search and came upon my mom’s house where somehow I ended up with some fajita meat and tortillas. I took them to a school to give them to a teacher there. When I gave them to her she laughed and asked if someone couldn’t wait and I noticed that several had been eaten. I confessed to eating one and seeing two others eat some also. She said she had hoped to feed 50 people but said it was not a problem because she had ordered a large turkey dinner. She place a huge turkey (fear) on a tray on the counter and showed me. Then, she gave me keys (access to something) and instructions on how to take the fajitas to her office. I went along a maze of hallways and came to a glass enclosed office with a counter out front. I saw the door and went around the side and was let into the office by a student. I didn’t even need to use the keys.

I realized the teacher was not a teacher anymore but some kind of supervisor to other teachers. She organized gatherings and didn’t actually teach classes. The two teachers under her both had PhD’s. I thought that I would never get a PhD in education because it made no sense to me. It felt like someone was asking me questions about my choices here, thus my thoughts.

The dream shifted to me sitting in some chairs in the school entrance. A small blonde girl had been with me and had been taken away. I sat down by a man and the girl was returned. Her hair had been dyed a dark brown. She hid under a large tray which I removed and put in a wagon I had with me. I then began to go over papers with lists of names as I sorted through clothing that was both mine and the man’s. I remember seeing names and explaining the names were of students in the alternative school where I use to teach. I mentioned how many had not made it to the next level and were repeats.

The man sitting next to me helped me sort the clothing as I read through the list. I was sorting out the clean from the dirty. I remember being a bit embarrassed at my underwear (private self) being there but he paid no attention to it. He was very quiet and accepting of me. I did see some of his clothing in the mix, but can’t recall what type. He was telling about himself, specifically that his birthday was in three days. I saw a calendar and Columbus Day. Yet for some reason I called him a Taurus so I was convinced the day was at the end of April. Someone asked, a guide I think, if this man was acceptable to me. I said, “Yes. He seems nice.” I liked how he was quiet and observant. His energy was very calm.

Then the dream shifted and I was standing near what resembled a crypt in an ancient temple. I looked below and saw two graves that were dug out and very deep. In adjacent rooms were more holes without bodies. I wanted to go down and looked toward a man who was sitting next to another man. I don’t know which man was the person I looked to but one said, “We want to be alone.” The feeling was they didn’t want me there. I took no offense and went exploring.

I walked around in what felt like a temple space that was very ornately painted with high ceilings. It felt like a place in Turkey maybe or it could’ve been Hindu. I came to a vendor who had tapestries and woven textiles. I looked through some of the smaller textiles, picked one up and noticed the patterns moved. I smiled as I realized I could control the movement and saw a bird taking flight. A man and woman approached, fascinated and the man asked me what I did for a living. I told him I used my imagination to make things better, that I do this in my dreams in order to make the world a better place. I showed him how and he was intrigued. He wanted to learn and grabbed a textile and I showed him. The image was of a person sitting in a garden. I made the bees buzz and move around the person. He tried and created moving images on his own textile.

Excited, the man took a tapestry and draped it around himself and walked away saying he was going to use his new ability to help him get the job he wanted. I watched him walk away, the tapestry forming to his body and hanging down like a white robe. I was pleased.

Considerations

When I woke I recalled two things specifically: the solid, dark water and Columbus Day. I knew the dark water was symbolic of the depths of my subconscious. I am thrown down into it (possibly the collision I’ve been warned about) and not afraid. I see a man’s foot and brush his toes (togetherness, the small details, more to be known). He is just floating there. I suspect this indicates a karmic relationship or maybe that I am aware of this man at some level. He is in my “depths”, below the surface, alive and waiting there.

The Columbus Day date was on my mind and I woke thinking, “Columbus Day is in October. It is not in April or May (Taurus).” I looked it up and sure enough it is in October. I was told a while ago now that I would meet someone in October. I wonder if this information is to indicate when? Is the man a Taurus? Or is his birthday really on Columbus Day? The laundry being sorted indicates that he and I share something intimate. The saying “airing my dirty laundry” comes to mind. This means “personal or private affairs that could cause distress or embarrassment if exposed.” Perhaps the man and I talk about personal things together? He felt like someone who does not judge, which may be why I am comfortable with him. He sat there calmly observing, which I liked.

The last dream also stayed with me, specifically my explanation about what I am here in this life to do. I create via my imagination and dreams, making things better here on Earth. I seek to make things more beautiful and images of nature appear in the fabric.

The empty graves in the crypt is interesting. They are far below me and very deep. I want to go explore but the man tells me to go away. An empty grave can mean resurrection or it can mean preparation for death. I remember thinking the empty graves odd and I was curious. Where were the bodies? So, it likely means resurrection.

July 31st – Dream: Free

The setting was reminiscent of a post-apocalyptic scene. I was a child in a large, nearly empty warehouse with other children. I recall being sent to bed and having to follow strict rules. I struggled to sleep and was sneaking around with other kids. I remember being strictly forbidden to have any relations with boys but I snuck around trying to do this without much success. There was fear but I’m not sure what of. I also recall being shown how I was born, which was not natural. Me and my siblings were born via a large, shallow pool with pods in it connected by a metal grid with tubes coming out. Natural birth no longer existed.

Then I was on a trip down a road being shown the state of the world. It was desolate and gray with lots of construction going on and large trains hauling materials and cleaning up debris. I saw statues of horses, hundreds of them, being piled into a train car by a crane which was pulling them out of a large, metal container. This visual was extremely oversized, as if it was meant to make an impact. On the other side of the road I saw a statue of a small deer and a man. I questioned what happened to all the animals. A man said they were all dead and all that was left was what I was seeing. I wondered if someone had turned all the animals into stone.

Then I was in an encampment. I overheard plans to bomb the neighbors who were called “The U.S.” The reason for the bombing was stated as a need to keep the country (or it’s influence) from getting bigger and becoming a threat. The thing is, the U.S. was not a threat. It was just a peaceful camp, not big enough to do any harm to anyone. I feared for them and wanted to warn them.

I snuck out and ran toward the U.S. side. I could see men sneaking around putting bombs in select places. Fearing the worst, I began to scream, “There are bombs! You need to get out!” There was this loud noise that drowned out my calls. It was coming from a large body of water where people were working. The workers were out in the water. I kept running toward them, screaming so much that my voice cracked and became hoarse. I ran until they could see me and finally they heard me and they began to run out of the water towards safety. I saw a horse startle and run away and also a rabbit. I thought, “They still have horses and rabbits here!” I was amazed. I swear I heard a voice answer, “Yes, they do.” The bombs began to go off all around, but the people escaped.

I was running to hide and found this bubbling stream or brook that went deep into the ground. I knew the path and jumped in, letting its waters take me down into darkness. I grabbed onto a root during part of the journey and then dropped into the abyss. It took me to the other side and I stepped out, hiding as I peeked out at the space. It was another workspace, like a warehouse with cranes and people wearing welding helmets. Someone saw me and I withdrew. Then a whole group of guys recognized me. They knew I had helped them.  

Then I was in my mom’s house. It was dark and I was with some others. I again felt to be sneaking around and doing what I should not. There was this large, black man who I recognized. I went up to him and he embraced me. I felt an amazing attraction to him. I also knew he was gay yet I didn’t care. It felt that life had restricted us so much that we wanted only to be free. The expression of this came as desire and when we embraced I felt as if I had been “released” and “set free” and I surrendered completely to the man. I wanted nothing more than to release all control to him and when I did this it was such a relief that all the pent up, suppressed life force within me was expressed as intended. It felt as if I was meant to be this way and I had no shame. And when I thought, “He is gay”, I didn’t care and knew it didn’t matter. I did not hold back. I was not afraid.

When I awoke my second chakra was aching and I realized that all I want is to be “free”. I feel that something deep within me wants only to fully surrender, to hand all control to another with full trust that he will protect and cherish me. A part of me is exhausted from life, from trying to control things, people and situations. All I want to do is flow with life, to feel fully and express what I feel without restrictions and rules. 

I was asked to look/feel into the feelings I was having and saw many occasions of men taking what was not theirs to take, misusing their power and creating fear where there should be none; times when I’ve surrendered fully only to have someone abuse the control I’ve handed them, taking with brute force what should be handled with care. I recognized that I purposefully withdraw and keep up my guard. I realized all I need to do to open up again is to trust and that is so very hard to do. Even the smallest sense of deceit from the other and I shut down, tight as a clamshell. I heard an encouraging voice say, “Trust……let it happen.” And there the message is again: Let it happen, let it happen. It’s gonna feel so good. 🙂

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The Sad Truth and Worrisome Dream

Yesterday we went to my mom’s for a visit and to celebrate my birthday early. When we arrived, my sister and her husband and child were there. I was not happy about this. Why? Because I need to prepare myself mentally, spiritually and emotionally for an encounter with her and her family and wasn’t given the chance to do so. Plus, I was hoping to enjoy my time with my mom as part of my birthday celebration even though my birthday isn’t until next week. Family dynamics are very different when you add my sister and her husband to the mix. Sometime my BIL/cousin is in such a nasty mood that it makes all of us feel on edge. His energy can be toxic. Also, my nephew is hyperactive and his energy is difficult for me to be around. My sister is usually not an issue but I often resist seeing her because past experiences have only led me to the conclusion that she is unwell, depressed and still using Meth. 

The visit was okay but I got a tension headache towards the end, an indicator of stress.

I learned that my sister had arrived early and unexpectedly to wash a lot of laundry. There were heaps of dirty clothes at the front door when I got there. She also had given my mom her typical sob story about how she and her family are broke despite getting stimulus checks and selling the RV my mom had bought them. My sister explained that the money they got from the government was very little because they deducted back child support along with back taxes (which they should!). Of course, their truck (I’ve lost count of how many cars they’ve had now) is not doing well and is a gas hog, my cousin/BIL is struggling to find work – the list goes on. My mom was sad to hear they had sold the RV for only $1000 when she had paid $5K for it. They had not kept up repairs on it and it had so many issues that they had difficulty finding a buyer for it. Their new RV is smaller and can be hitched to a pickup without a special attachment but has less room and no washer/dryer like the old one. They used their stimulus money to buy it and the truck they have now. They had purchased an SUV with the money before the truck but did not maintain it and it couldn’t afford to repair it. Sigh. Currently they are struggling to find a place to park their new RV home. They have jumped from free campground to free campground all summer and are at a place where they have to pay $100/mo but, of course, are being forced to move because they aren’t paying. 

They asked my mom if they could park their RV there because they saw there were RV hookups at the spiritual retreat my mom and step-dad created. The answer was “no” because the last time they stayed there they wouldn’t leave and they created all kinds of problems (having their drug dealer come out to the land, fighting with my step-dad, being confrontational, not working, sleeping all day, and just not keeping their end of the agreement). 

Thankfully my nephew played with my sons happily the entire time and my BIL stayed away and did not spew his nastiness everywhere. My sister did the laundry and wouldn’t swim because she was embarrassed by all the sores on her body (Meth side-effects). When my husband asked if she was still using she flinched and said, “No.” My husband believes she was telling a half-truth, meaning that her “no” was that she wasn’t using today or in that moment but has been. I agree with my husband. Those sores are not “allergies”, they are proof of her drug use. 

I struggle not to give my sister money when I see her. I know she will misuse the money and maybe even buy drugs but I do want her to live better and know I can help. But I have learned it is not good for her to enable her bad decisions with handouts. My sister refuses to work despite being totally capable. She can’t work in her desired field – teacher – and her options are limited but she could find work if she tried. House cleaning is one that comes to mind. She thinks it below her to work low paying jobs. Instead, she puts all the pressure on her husband who has the same criminal background issues as she does. He does find work, often, but usually quits before he gets to the 6mo mark. He hates that they take child support and back taxes out of his already tiny paycheck. 

My recent dream about my sister doesn’t give me hope for her. In the dream I found her naked, curled up in the fetal position with a tiny towel placed over her for warmth. When I tried to get her to get up and come with me, to leave the horrid place I found her in, she refused. She basically said that she had given up and decided it is better to stay high than to confront her life. She preferred the pretend world of drugs to the real world. I began to cry slow, sad tears as I walked away. I knew she had made her choice and that I could do nothing for her.  

Similarly, I had a dream about my mom recently that caused me to wake in tears.

Dream from July 30:

I was outside. A large tree or wooden pole was in the center. Chairs were attached that swiveled around the tree. I was in one and a man was in another. I remember the chairs moving like the solar system around the tree and I could see the man across from me moving in sync with me. We were served Indian (Hindu) cuisine. Then, I remember suddenly knowing that my mom died choking on food. I saw her standing in front of me. She got a shocked look on her face and then she just fell in a heap on the ground. Someone said, “She’s dead.” 

I ended up at my mom’s house and she was there as a ghost. We were talking and I was upset about her death. I remember seeing the answering machine had one message. I played it but it was all static and hard to make out. I remember wondering if anyone knew she had died. I told her what I had witnessed, how she was eating food and just fell over, dead. I was beside myself with upset and recalling all my times in this life with my mom, memories flashing in front of me. I also remember thinking she was too young, only 54 (she is 72 now). At one point I saw stairs going up but there are not stairs in the house. She said, “Maybe they will be added?” I thought it may happen. Then, I was crying and hugging her and saying, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve already lost one parent! I don’t know what to do. What do I do now?” My mom hugged and consoled me and a voice whispered, “She isn’t dead.” I suddenly realized maybe she was alive because she was there with me. I touched her and she was solid and I said with relief, “You’re alive!” She said, “Yes I am.” I cried tears of relief, sobbing into her shoulder and woke up. 

When I returned to sleep the same scenario occurred – my mom died from choking on Brussel sprouts this time. I was in the house crying again and my mom’s “ghost” was there. This time I was in my mom’s closet and the attic door was opened and stairs came down. My sister descended the ladder and I had a conversation with her and my mom about my mom’s will and how it couldn’t be changed. I began to try and help my sister by teaching her about “start, change, stop”, explaining how it could help her in life. I explained that she could “change” or “stop” anything, especially her drug use but other things, also. She said, “I don’t need help with relationships.” I reminded her it could help in other areas. Eventually I realized my mom hadn’t died because yet again a voice said, “She isn’t dead.” I said, “So she isn’t dead? She’s alive?” It was as if I had no clue despite having already had a similar dream! 

When I woke I was crying again and perplexed. Why did I have a second dream where the same thing happened? Was it a warning dream? Could my mom be in danger?

I told my mom about my dream and she confirmed that lately she has had trouble swallowing and goes into choking fits that can make her feel like she is going to pass out. Her heart speeds up, she gets panicked and the fits go on a long time. She has them about once a week, maybe less. Alarmed, I urged her to see the doctor. I hope she will. It is just too “coincidental” that I would dream of her choking twice in one night only to discover she has been struggling with choking on food and water!!

My dream was likely part anxiety and part warning. I often pick up on things happening with my mom, so it is not a surprise that I would pick up on her choking issues. The upset it caused me was severe. I was inconsolable to the point that my guide had to tell me it wasn’t real – twice. It gives me an idea of how my mom’s death may affect me. Ugh. I do think of her as my safe place/person. Life won’t be the same without her.

Dysphagia is a possible diagnosis. My mom’s isn’t severe (thankfully) but she should be checked out so that they can rule out certain causes. Dysphagia isn’t uncommon with the elderly but could become worse over time. My mom told me that she is already changing the way she eats and drinks for fear of choking. She says she holds liquids in her mouth before swallowing now, especially coffee. She is being very careful, but still it is worrisome.

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Visions, Messages and 2 OBE’s

As I was shifting into sleep last night, a visual came at me from my left. What I saw is hard to recall now. It was, I think, branches of a golden tree that looked also like many roads extending from a central point. With it was a feeling that is difficult to describe. It felt like a part of me was opening up or reaching toward something in the distance. Almost as if something new was emerging from me, extending in a new direction. There was a guide on my left, also, and he said to me, “You will have many options.” When he said this to me, I was also saying it. It was as if he and I were speaking with one voice.

There was a brief conversation that followed. I was informed that options would be available to me. When I asked, “When?” I heard, “Soon” and “You know when.” What I recall most vividly from this conversation was a feeling of hope and curiosity. It was obvious that a new path and direction would become available to me after so many years of seeing just one. 

Rather than ponder all the “what if’s”, I soon fell asleep and, to my surprise, had an unexpected OBE.

Dream: Dead Baby Elephant

Rather than relay the entirety of the dream, I only want to focus on parts.

I was with a group and the subject of what to have to eat came up. I said, “I would really like some pudding. Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, lemon – all of them!” The rest agreed with me and soon it was decided some would go to the store to get some. When they came back, they had forgotten the pudding mix but bought all kinds of other ingredients. I laughed saying, “It happens. Sometimes we just get sidetracked and forget what we were originally looking for.” I don’t recall ever eating any pudding, though.

Pudding symbolism – you are leading a satisfactory but unexciting life and it’s time to step out of your comfort zone. 

The message in the dream makes complete sense. It is so easy to get sidetracked and forget one’s purpose. It’s best not to get upset over our forgetfulness, but take it all in stride. 

The next significant part is when I was driving down a dirt road and a large, Australian Shepard dog came bounding up beside the car. I was thrilled to see it and wanted to take it home. We turned around and exited the car looking for the dog. Someone said the dog had gone after just eating. He pointed to a herd of elephants. A baby one was dead and all of it had been consumed but its ears and trunk. The herd was standing around the dead baby in mourning. I felt my stomach sink when I realized the dog had killed and eaten a baby elephant.

This dream woke me up because I recognized what the symbolism meant. Elephants symbolize the family and relationships among other things. When I saw the dog (fidelity and protection) had killed and eaten a baby elephant I was devastated. I saw this as the death of a relationship and/or my family.

Visions 

When I woke there was a guide nearby and I was wide awake. There was a conversation, but I don’t recall much of it now because I kept shifting into the in-between. I do remember I would say things that would cause me to come out of my reverie suddenly, things that surprised me. One time I was being very childish and fearful, trying to avoid something. 

I remember seeing visuals mostly. In one case, I was outside standing under a huge tree whose branches came down around me and nearly touched the ground. The tree was dripping water but it was not raining. I knew that it had been covered in ice and snow that was melting. I looked up at its branches feeling hopeful but saw the branches were covered in hundreds upon hundreds of cockleburs. They were heavy and hung like fruit from the tips of all the branches. The visual shook me awake as I recognized the symbolism/message of it. It was clear to me that I was being told two things. 1: The ice/snow is melting meaning whatever has been holding me back is clearing so that movement forward can be made. 2: Despite being free to move forward, minor annoyances will plague my path, annoyances that will pile up and become difficult to ignore and avoid.

Another vision occurred while discussing with my guide what lay ahead. I asked to Remember something specific and was told I would Remember many things. With this, I saw myself approach a large refrigerated cooler like one would see in a grocery store. I opened the door and pulled out the only item inside. I realized immediately it was coffee and knew it symbolized “awareness”. 

I fell asleep focusing on feeling what it is I wish to feel in the future.

OBE: Ice Skates

The next thing I remember is being in my bed in a room that was not my bedroom. I was very, very tired but kept hearing conversations that made me get up and investigate. I saw two coworkers at a computer attempting to print something. For some reason I interrupted, saying some things that made no sense to them but did to me. It was about “codes” that had to be used to get the computer to print. They looked at me oddly and I felt immediately self-conscious and disoriented. I lay back down in my bed and felt an intense heaviness hit me. I fought the heavy energy as I tried to make sense of what just happened. I remember answering someone with, “So, that wasn’t real?” I felt relief that what I had just experienced was a dream. That is when I began to recognize I was in the in-between and the sounds I heard (conversations and such) were noises-off.

Realizing I was asleep and in the vibrational state, I decided to get out of bed. The instant I decided this, I was out of bed (and my body) and standing in a house I didn’t recognize. It was a nice house. Quaint. The furniture in it was antique and the walls were made of multicolored, reddish brick. It was spacious and there seemed only to be one room. 

I walked toward a large window in the kitchen area. I could see outside and wanted to exit. I felt the window and it was solid, so I pulled up the window and crawled out of it. As I exited the house I saw a strange sight. There was a full-sized oven with stove perched upon a landing facing the house. There was an opening above it where food could pass through. I thought it odd and wondered about it briefly before looking ahead at my surroundings.

Ahead of me was a long, wooden fence that reminded me of fences I use to see on farms in Montana and elsewhere. I could see a dirt road on the other side and further down the road there were more fences and a roads as far as I could see. It was a clear day and very quiet and calm. It seemed like I was in a rural area of a foreign country.

Above me was a giant tree covered in small, red berries. The branches were too high, so I jumped a bit to grab a berry. When I did this, every berry on the tree fell off all at once. I remember thinking it odd and considered looking down at the ground at the berries but something stopped me. Instead, I turned toward the fence gate. There was a shift in my energy and I decided to look at my hands and say, “Clarity now.” My hands were solid and did not shift. I moved my fingers and they felt solid and real. Then I took my hands and felt down both sides of my body from my hips up to my breasts. I felt solid and very real by my vision was almost tunnel-like, as if I were wearing a virtual reality headset.

As I moved toward the road I noticed my legs and especially my feet felt very heavy and unsteady. I decided to take off my pants and boots but it was difficult. I got my pants down to my knees and walked like this down the road to an intersection. I turned to my right and saw what looked like a small group of apartments in the distance. I saw people standing out front. I walked toward them and saw they were young women. What was odd is they appeared to be wearing ice skates on their feet. One said, “You’re trying to get those off? Let me help you.” I hobbled over to them and sat on a wooden bench, sticking my boot-laden foot toward the girl. The girl grabbed on and began to pull but the realization that I, too, was wearing ice skates hit me and the entire scene slowed down as I shifted back into my physical body. 

I didn’t wake up, but instead lay there listening to noises-off and feeling into the subtle vibrations of my energy body. Eventually, one of the voices solidified and I sat up OOB to find a young girl about the age of 9 leaning down and kissing me. Her mouth remained pursed and she looked like she was anticipating something. I sat up and reached down with my hand brushing her crotch area as if to find out if she were real. She withdrew from my touch as if fearful. I remember calling her my daughter, but she didn’t look like my daughter.

I followed her into another room where I told her I would teach her about her body. She lay on the bed as if she had done it a thousand times and seemed afraid. I tried to calm her as I lifted her shirt but when I touched her she cringed. Something about this scene felt as if I were playing out some long-forgotten memory and I froze as I focused on her whimpering. I thought, “This is not right” and pulled back, shifting back into my body where I finally awoke. 

Considerations

I have no idea what to think of either of these OBE’s. lol Weird is my first thought! 

The first one seems to be more symbolic than anything. Mostly I recall that my astral body felt odd. Heavy, yes, which is not unusual, but it seemed unreal to me, like it was not mine but a bodysuit I put on. Even after looking at my hands and feeling my body it felt unreal. And my vision was also odd. Like I was wearing a helmet that blocked my peripheral vision. 

The ice skates seemed to be a continuation of the message about “thawing out”. I can’t help but recall the message I got a while ago now (Feb/Mar) that something would happen after the last snowfall. It feels like that message is related. I’ve had many dreams where there has been a light dusting of snow or a frozen landscape. This is the first where the snow/ice is melting.

The second OBE felt like I entered into another lifetime or another person’s body/experience. IDK. Perhaps I was a man? I didn’t linger long enough to find out but my intent was to fondle the girl and that is NOT something I wanted to experience. It seemed like the little girl was use to the treatment, which just saddens me. Yet I know that such experiences are not uncommon in this harsh world. So why would I enter such a scene? Perhaps it is part of my Remembering?

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Message: Rest Area

I’ve been home for almost two days now. It has been a little bit of an adjustment getting back to “normal”. When I arrived home I was met at the airport by my husband and oldest son. My husband hadn’t texted me he was on his way, so I thought he may be late. Turns out he stayed quiet on purpose for the surprise. 

When we got to the car I was surprised by my other two children. My oldest son told me they were swimming at their uncle’s house. lol 

When I got to the house I was again surprised. This time with a kitchen upgrade. My whole family helped my husband make some small changes that made a big difference. He redid the backsplash, painted it a new color, bought a new table and installed pendant lighting. On top of all this, he thoroughly cleaned the entire house!! He also had two bouquets of flowers waiting for me. I love the new look of my kitchen!

Since returning, I have felt more gratitude for what I have. Living with so much less for 30 days has really helped me see how blessed I am. Air conditioning, hot water, reliable electricity, etc – I am surrounded by abundance! 

Funny enough, the first day back was full of surprises. When I logged into work from home, a porn pop-up greeted me. Turns out my son had clicked on something. lol I had to fix that issue because it was just plain annoying. Then, when I got ready to drive into work, my car wouldn’t start. It had a dead battery. My husband came to fix it and discovered that our Hyundai hybrid model doesn’t have a traditional battery like our Prius did. Instead you just push a reset button. Ha! At work I discovered my printer and scanner had not been set up. The internet was not functioning properly so set up was not happening and then when it did work the printer printed sideways! My boss eventually just printed the checks from her computer and printer. lol Finally, on the way home, my husband almost rear ended another car. 

I mention all this not to point out the stress but my response to it. Instead of stressing out, I mostly just laughed at it all. I was most surprised by how I reacted to the near miss by my husband. Sure I had the adrenaline rush of surprise but the thing that was unusual for me was that I was so relaxed. Usually I am on alert for possible accidents and very uneasy when my husband drives. I suppose all my time in taxis in Costa Rica has helped. haha!

Messages and Lucid Dream

This morning I awoke to a message: Rest Area. If you think of the purpose of rest areas along highways you will get the point. I understood it to mean that on my life journey I have come to a place where I can rest and relax for as long as I need. It’s not the same as a parking lot which implies that no progress is being made and you are at a standstill. Instead, it is more that I need to sleep and recover from a long journey. Now is the time to enjoy life. I can look back on my progress and gain insight for the journey ahead. Eventually I will leave but only when I am well rested and ready. 

Also, I had a lucid dream experience where I began to feel, see and experience my dream in a very real way. A large, overweight man approached me and introduced himself as “Eddy”. When I heard his name, I heard another word behind it, “Fast”. So his name was “Fast Eddy” which happens to be the name of a restaurant often found near hotels and gas stations – Fast Eddie’s. For some reason I hugged the man close and my vision turned on vividly along with all my other senses. I also recall kissing him passionately. The man was taller than me, so I had to look up to kiss him. I remember seeing his neck and jawline clearly. As I began to look towards his face he said, “What do you see?” I replied, “Whatever I want.” I lost my vision and woke up briefly only to return to sleep. 

With my reply, I understood that my answer was a message in itself. I create my reality and in that moment I was seeing Eddy as I wanted to see him. I was creating his image and the entirety of the experience I was having. 

Goals

I don’t really find these messages surprising considering the goals I set for myself upon returning home. With the space and isolation I found in Costa Rica I gained insight into myself which was the whole point to begin with! My time alone helped me to reacquaint myself with my true nature which, as a Projector, involves quite a bit of downtime in the form of sleep and immersion in nature. I did a whole lot of nothing for much of my time in Costa Rica. lol What was surprising to me was how wonderful I slept in an unfamiliar place with no a/c. It was the best sleep I’ve had in a long time!!!

My design is to go with the flow. That is what I have NOT been doing in life but I got to experience this aspect of myself while in Costa Rica. It took a while. I resisted at first. I think the second week was when I finally began to embrace the feeling. Prior to this I experienced quite a bit of emotional release. A ridge of energy had to be dispelled and with it lots of considerations that weren’t helpful. I directly confronted some false beliefs about myself.

Growing up, I often heard that I was “lazy” from my mom. She believed in productivity, as does my husband (and most Generating types). So, if I am not producing something of value then it is pointless. Since resting and laying around is not producing something of value (it is, something I now recognize), then whenever I do nothing I feel guilty and often fill my day with as much activity as I can. This, for a Projector, is not in line with our design. We need lots of rest and time alone. Plus, my 2nd line requires plenty of rest and aloneness, too. 

When I finally let myself rest and be “lazy” I recognized this was very much my nature. I LOVE to sleep and lay around. In fact, if you were to ask me my favorite thing (physically) about this world/life, I would say, “My pillows.” lol I even told my SIL when I arrived that my goal was to sleep as much as I could, and that I did do! 

I decided that when I returned home I would do these things:

1. Listen more and talk less.
2. If I feel irritable or bitchy find a way to be by myself ASAP. 
3. Communicate my needs before I feel irritable and bitchy.
4. Listen to my first response to an invitation and stick with it. 
5. Sleep as much as I want and whenever I want! 
6. Eat and exercise intuitively rather than forcing myself to stick to a routine or schedule.

Number 1 came from understanding just how eagerly I want to share with others, but mostly others don’t want to (or aren’t ready to) receive. So, when I do get invited, I tend to overwhelm the other with too much, too fast. I am often told I am “too intense” because of this. So, I will wait to be invited and then just give a little of all that I have to share and let the other decide whether they want more.

Number 4 is advice for all Self-Projected Projectors. I/we need to listen to my/our own voice and follow it. If I feel/say “no”, then that is what I need to stick with. 

Number 6 comes from a whole month of eating and exercising intuitively. When I went to Costa Rica I knew I wouldn’t exercise, at least not like I am use to (I ran with horses and went on several hikes). I also decided to eat whatever I wanted. It became clear to me just how much time and effort I use to put into my diet and exercise routine. I am much happier not putting so much energy into doing that! Besides, my body still looks and feels good, even after a whole month of “eating like shit” and “laying around.” LOL

And after this morning’s message concurrent with the realization that I am in a period of abundance, I have decided to enjoy this period in my life as much as possible because, at some point, circumstances will change. Right now, though, life is really sweet. 

Pictures

Leaving you with some pictures of my last few days in Costa Rica. Some are of my trip to San Jose where I visited the Doka coffee estate and the La Paz Waterfall Gardens. 

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Horse Healing and Message: Follow That Feeling

I’ve spent much of my time here at Resurrection Ranch taking time to myself, sleeping, resting, exploring nature and being among the horses. My goal for coming to Costa Rica and staying an additional three weeks is to, “Find myself” and to get space so that I can accomplish this.

My sister-in-law has been a great guide, listening and assisting me along the way. She most definitely has a gift when it comes to intuitively connecting with horses in order to receive their gifts. She is also a good listener and is very direct in her approach, which I appreciate as this is how I communicate as well – a no bullshit approach. Thankfully, we get along well with one another and seem to work well together. I have no concerns about her overall intentions in inviting me to her place to be with her and her horses. I feel she genuinely wants to help and has no ulterior motives.

Horse Healing

So far, I’ve experienced emotional release among the horses and while walking on the beach. Each time it felt like I received permission to let my guard down and relax. A voice spoke to me saying, “You are safe here.”

The very first time I was among the horses, it was evident that there is an energy the horses have that is healing and grounding. Every horse has this ability, but we humans don’t often feel it because we are so caught up in our minds, worries, anxieties and other things. If we are present in the moment and open to receiving, then we can connect and receive what the horses have to offer us. For me, it took a little while to get into a space where I was open and available to receive. When I did get into the space, I felt a strong pull in my heart chakra. The energy swirled and was very warm and with it I began to get emotional. I heard a distinct voice say to me, “It’s okay, you are safe here.”

That particular encounter was with a horse named Beloved. My sister-in-law told me that she had been abused previously and was very hesitant to come close to humans like she did with me. So it was quite an honor to have her work with/on me.

The next emotional release I experienced was when I went out for a walk at low tide. The shores of the beaches here are very rocky and when it is low tide the rocks extend for a very long distance. I decided I wanted to walk that distance to the ocean. When I first stepped foot onto the beach I again heard that voice say to me, “You are safe here.“ Something about hearing that voice caused me to become emotional and as I walked out on the rocks towards the ocean waves I allowed myself to release whatever emotion I was feeling.

Chocolate

The next significant emotional release came while interacting with a horse known as Chocolate (choco-latte). His energy and personality is very strong and he is a very big, black horse. He intimidated me when I first met him and for some reason he was very attracted to me. He would see me across the field and start coming towards me very fast. This would create a small panic response in me because he was so big and I was so small. Usually I would rush away or hide behind something so that I felt more safe.

According to my sister-in-law, Chocolate is one of the most powerful healers in the herd. He is very physical, using his mouth and his tongue to lick and nudge areas of a person that need to be cleared. He will also breathe very strongly around the areas that are in need of clearing or healing. When I feel safe around him, I am very drawn to this horse. He is beautiful and strong and has a magical energy about him. So, any time I see him I am very friendly and have become more and more courageous when interacting with him. Where before I would walk very quickly away from him to hide behind a fence or a tree, now I allow him to nuzzle my hands and get very close to me. When he is close he likes to put his mouth on certain parts of the body, which can be very uncomfortable. So I make sure to tell him what is comfortable and what is not and he seems to listen. My sister-in-law says that one of the lessons Chocolate teaches is how to establish firm boundaries. If you do not have firm boundaries, he will push what boundaries you do have, testing your limits. With me, he has listened and respected the boundaries I’ve set thus far.

Very recently, I went to clean the water trough and get water for the herd which consists of six horses total. I did this alone without any fear or concern. Of course, Chocolate was right there beside me as soon as I went to do this task. He then followed me and stood by me, asking me if I would allow him to help me. Now he didn’t use words, it was just a feeling I got from him. Being I was all alone with the herd and at that moment with him, I was a little hesitant. I would walk away and Chocolate would watch me and then come around to meet me on the other side. It was obvious he was not going to let me out of his sight. So finally I stood still and let him do his magic.

My sister-in-law says the horses will line up humans with their various chakras to help to balance and align the energy. What Chocolate did was he stood with his front legs parallel to my heart chakra (broadside). I was about 2 feet away from him. I made sure that I told him that I was willing to receive and I stood with my hands palms up in front of me to receive energy from him and the Universe. What I felt was a wave of energy hit my heart chakra and I began to cry. When I began to cry, Chocolate turned his head towards me as if he was feeling what I was feeling. I remember the biggest wave of energy was when I took the time to really look at the magnificent horse in front of me and marvel at his beauty. I said to him, “You are beautiful.“ That is when the most emotion surged out of me. He turned and looked directly at me and nuzzled one of my hands as if saying , “I see you.”

Eventually, he shifted his position to where he was facing me, his chest straight across from my chest. We stood this way for a while as the emotional release continued. What I was feeling was nothing specific really. It just felt like I had been holding my breath for all my life and was finally able to breathe.

I don’t know how long this took but it felt like a long while. Really though it was probably only about five minutes because the water trough was filling and it was done filling by the time this encounter ended.

When I broke contact with Chocolate I told him thank you and that he was beautiful. Being that close with a horse of his size, being completely vulnerable and exposed to something that could, at any moment, harm me, would be intimidating to anyone. Had I not taken the time to listen to what the energy of this magnificent creature was telling me, I most likely would have run in the opposite direction. But instead I stood close to him, trusted him and allowed him to give me the gift is here to give.

It feels like what Chocolate was communicating that I am beautiful and I am worthy of receiving love, his love, all love. I AM love. And, of course, that I am safe and protected.

Messages

Since I’ve been in Costa Rica, I’ve had repetitive messages coming through from various sources as well as some synchronicities. The main message I’ve been getting is to get out of my own way. Not only did I receive this directly from my guidance, but I’ve also heard it from others and read it recently. This message is paired with another message I got prior to coming here: “let it happen.“ It is a consistent message but since I’ve been in Costa Rica it has been even stronger. In fact, a fellow blogger just recently posted a blog post with that as the title. Coincidence? I think not.

Another thing that is coming up is Ayahuasca. I didn’t come to Costa Rica with the intention to take this medicine, but it continues to come up over and over again. One day, a man just walked up the driveway. He was from India and was very curious about horse spirit healing. He mentioned that he had just gone on an Ayahuasca journey and we sat and talked about it for a while. That same day the topic was also brought up again and has repeated since then. My sister-in-law says she can help me take that journey if I am interested. I am keeping an open mind. If it happens to come to me, then so be it.

I’ve also been waking with the same song on my mind every morning since I’ve been here on my own. The message comes from a Coldplay song called Adventure of a Lifetime. The one line that keeps repeating is, “we are diamonds taking shape.” It feels like I am being reassured that this journey I am on is part of a process, a refining process, that will contribute to me becoming the role model I am here to be.

Dream Message: Follow that Feeling

I am having some significant dream recall. Just last night I had kundalini dream activity that spurred me into wakefulness.

I was visiting the UK and it had snowed. I went to this vast lake and had a little baby with me that felt like my son. I decided I wanted to take a picture because it was so unreal.

There was this strange coffin like box, almost like a bassinet but large enough for an adult. It had high, oval shaped edges that were yellow with yellow fringe. It was in the middle of the beach and obviously placed there purposely. I only noticed it but did not approach it.

As I went to take a photograph of the lake, a group of young boys walked across the field in the back obstructing my view of the landscape. So I paused and looked around and had a sudden fear that my child would hurt himself. Looking at the scene it was so desolate but beautiful at the same time.

I decided to kneel down in the sand. The heel of my foot hit right around my root chakra. There was this pleasant energy that radiated from my root chakra and began to move upward. I remember the feeling was strong enough that I struggled with it and was especially concerned that it would wake me up. This means that I was lucid but not so much that I was controlling the dream. Just like I feared, the sensation of the spreading energy did wake me up. And as I was waking up I heard a voice. It said, “Follow that feeling.“ I responded with, “I can’t. I’m scared I’ll get lost.”

Once awake and hearing my response to the voice, I thought back to it and to myself, “I won’t get lost. There is no such thing.”

In reflecting upon that dream and the message, I think what I encountered was my own reluctance and fear of following a beautiful feeling, a feeling that is me. The fear is irrational. It reminded me of how I used to feel when I would lose sight of my mom in the supermarket. So I think the fear is more of feeling aimless and alone in life. I think at some point when I get more comfortable in my own skin that this fear will fall away and I will be more solid in myself.