Category Archives: Dreams

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Kundalini Dream Visitor

Yesterday I had a nice little win in regards to my panic episodes. While driving to and from work I successfully staved off rising panic by firmly thinking to it, “NO!”. It worked!

Years ago after my first spiritual awakening my Companion, Steven, gave me advice on how to stop negative thoughts. He said, “Tell them to stop.” I didn’t believe him but sure enough, when I told them to stop they would. I only remembered his advice after I had successfully stopped the panic inducing thoughts, though.

With that I also recalled a meditation episode early on, before the “first” meditation (obvious not first but oh well) that opened me up to my gifts. I was living in Montana, it was around 1999 and I had been struggling with depression and negative thoughts. I meditated to find a suspected “gin” (negative entities that attach to us). To my surprise I saw him as a shadowy figure in the peripheral of my mental vision and I “fought” him off. This memory caused me to consider that maybe I still have some negative energies working to keep me down. I have no doubt that something is influencing me but I can’t say it is an “entity” for sure because I think everything has a purpose and often these “entities” are just our Egos and fractured aspects of self.

So, a successful commute yesterday means I may be on the way to conquering my panic/anxiety.

Kundalini Dream Visitor 

Prior to bed I caught myself thinking something that seemed to be a response to someone. I mentally said, “He wants to visit me.” Intercepting the thought brought on awareness of the meaning behind it. “He” was not clear but the “visit” would be in dreamtime. It felt like I was being asked if I would be okay with a visit. I said it was okay.

Still, though, I had not expected to actually have a dream visitor.

Most of the dream is hazy now. What I do recall is being in what felt to be my mom’s house. The entire dream scene is dark in my memory, like the lights were turned down. It was hard to make out furniture and the faces of the people I was interacting with. There was a man with me, though, who felt familiar. He and I seemed to be having a “date”. I can’t remember how he looked except that he had dark hair and was taller than me. He also felt quite a bit older than me but not old enough to be my father.

Our conversation is lost to me now as is most of the sequence of events in the dream. I remember handling food, like preparing our meal. I was focused on the salad (expression of feelings and acceptance of positive in life). I stood over a kitchen sink when the man gave me something, part of the meal I think, and I put it on a tray over one side of the sink.

The man’s energy is more memorable to me than anything. When he was near me it felt like he was seducing me, or better yet, as if we were dancing. I was extremely drawn to him and drunk on bliss. The memory of the energy is as if it was pulsating, like we would get close and then separate and the energy kept pulling us back together.

I recall seeing the man’s plate of greens, uneaten, and thinking that he forgot to eat them. Then my attention was drawn to a woman laying in the middle of the floor, blankets (protection) over her as if she was trying to sleep. I thought of her as my “mom” (aspect of self, mother aspect). She was not supportive of me having a relationship with this man and as a result there was some attempt on our part to sneak around.

At the end of the dream there was a part that is a bit confusing. It was as if I switched bodies and became my mom. I watched as me and the man embraced. I yelled out and fought off a person who was trying to hold me back from pushing a large button. I managed to hit the button, though.

Then the man was standing in front of me telling me that he felt we should slow down and take our time. We had planned to be intimate (or that is what it felt like) but he decided to end our “date” instead. He promised another date in the future and kept repeating that we should “take things slow”.

The energy of our connection was intense and obvious by this point. The bliss was intoxicating and I struggled to understand why the man would withdraw when it was so obvious that we were good together.

I woke up soon after and the energy had mostly subsided, only some residual energy remained in my second and third chakras. The memory of the bliss I had been feeling was enough, though, that I did not want to be awake.

A song was going through my head, one I heard yesterday on the way to work. The part that was going through my head, “Some things we can never choose, even if we try….”

Messages

I lingered in bed going in and out of the in-between after I woke and trying to remember as much of the dream encounter as I could. As a result I had some messages come through about taking things slow because of the work that still needed to be done on my energy body. I also both saw and heard the date – March 17th. It was written as 3/17 and flashed in my mind.

There was a message that came both audibly and written out on a black background in my mind. There were two lines that appeared simultaneously. The bottom line, written in blue, read, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” The top line, written in red, was longer but I only remember the last line because the voice was saying it as I received the written message. It said, “I will wait.”

There was a sense along with the words/message that the man had not intended to upset me and was truly apologetic about it. It also felt as if he is waiting in the background, like lingering in my energy field just outside of my conscious awareness.

I have a sense of who this man is but since it was not obvious I will just wait and see what happens next. Dream encounters like this are common for me, so the true significance behind them is often not understood until much later and sometimes not at all.

The bliss is memorable, though, and I can’t help but miss it when it is gone.

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Full Moon Blues

From physical imbalance and illness, to emotional upset and lethargy, this full moon is really putting me through the ringer! I hope you all are faring better than I am and experiencing bliss and high energy. If not, I am sorry. I’m right there with you.

Yesterday morning I was doing pretty okay considering. So good in fact that I completed an hour-long weight lifting routine. I lifted pretty heavy and pushed myself hard physically, which is my norm, but instead of feeling better for it, I felt “off”.

I began to feel light-headed toward the end of the workout, so, I took longer breaks and completed the entire sequence as planned. It got a bit scary, though, to the point of almost causing me panic because of how sleepy/zoned out I began to get. I did the normal stuff to replenish my body’s lost reserves – had a protein shake, hydrated and rested. When those things didn’t revive me, I decided to go with my body’s indicators that I needed more rest and took a hot bath to relax.

After my bath I felt even more tired and lethargic to the point that I just wanted to lay around. Ultimately, I ended up laying in bed crying on and off until I gathered up what remaining energy I could muster and made a nice dinner for the kids. I felt a bit better after eating and spent some time watching t.v. with my kids before heading to bed around 9pm.

Prior to sleep I had a glass of wine while watching more t.v. to distract and numb myself as best I could. It didn’t work. A particularly sympathetic feeling female guide began talking to me, asking me questions and sending loving energy hugs. That did it. I burst into tears. After several cycles of crying I was depleted once again and fell asleep.

Dream: Trip to the Mountains

The beginning of the dream is fuzzy. I recall talking with a man as we traveled toward the mountains. He and I made plans to stay at a cabin but I told him I needed to do something first and would meet him in the morning. I remember when I told him this he was disappointed but agreed.

I went to a hotel room where I met up with my daughter and her girlfriends. The sense here was that I had to finish up my trip with her before I could meet up with the man. I spent much of this part of the dream “cleaning up” the mess she and her friends made, repeatedly telling them to pick up their things and trying to gather all our stuff before checking out. There are flashes of memory of looking under furniture for things that might accidentally get left behind and finding a pair of my daughter’s sneakers. There was also this pedal with a wire connected to it that resembled the pedal to a sewing machine, only it was to a computer.

There is also memory of knowing I would be going on a hike with my daughter but I don’t know if I ever did. I just remember that I got so caught up in the things I needed to do that I forgot about my male friend and our plans. I no-showed and I’m not sure how many days/weeks it took for me to realize my forgetfulness.

When I woke form this dream part of a song was going through my head – “Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I’ll be…..” At the same time I was thinking of my marriage and how in 2015, after having a dream, I woke up with a decision to leave my husband – but I never did. I realized I had considered leaving him many times since but every time back pedaled for one reason or the other.

Depleted

I still feel completely depleted of all energy this morning. It is like the energy sickness only it has spread to my physical body. I feel ill but at a soul level. It is hard to describe but it feels like my tank is on empty and I am running on fumes.

The dream above is similar to another dream – OBE actually – I had a long time ago and was one of the last time my physical counterpart had visited me. My children were there and one was crying. My counterpart had been trying to get my attention but the need of my children for me was too much and I turned away from him. I chose them over him in the above dream as well.

I’m not sure if this dream is just showing me my focus or if it is meant to show me something else. All I know is that the feelings I am having are very difficult to deal with. It is such intense grief and loss that I don’t feel I have the strength in me to continue. I am re-experiencing some things that in the past were a struggle to get through. For example, I keep thinking, “This is going to kill me.” Then there are flashes of all these past lives where I have died from this exact kind of pain. In some I killed myself to escape it. In others I just lost the will to live and so died not long after.

All of these feelings are familiar. They haunted me most of 2017 but were especially difficult the last couple of months in 2016. It is the total decimation feeling all over again.

I asked – begged – my guidance to help me find resolution. Obviously death is not going to free me. If anything, death just perpetuates it. So then what? How do I reconcile it? Do I just continue living my life secretly carrying with me this kind of pain? Pretending I am okay when I’m not? To think of doing that is unbearable to me. I know I can’t manage it.

Somehow I fell into the in-between amidst the unbearable pain I was feeling. I was brought out of my reverie by a message I both heard and saw in my mind. The voice was familiar, the tone fitting. The male voice joked, “Now don’t be a [something, something] Jasper!” I saw it written out as if in an email as I heard it. Then I replied something like, “Who is Jasper?” but he seemed not to hear me. Instead, I saw and heard his reply followed by another message indicating I had not responded and him asking me why.

Now fully awake I was furious at him. He, of course, was making light of the situation, trying to make me laugh. I yelled silently in my mind that it was NOT a joking matter.

I figured the “Jasper” part was likely a message so I looked it up. Turns out it is fitting. See for yourself. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Simulated Reality

This morning I am feeling a little bit better but my lower back and abdomen are still sore. Unfortunately, when I woke my eyes were glued together by eye boogers and now they are dry and bloodshot. I am hoping it is just allergies and not pink eye.

I have some odd memories from dreamtime. Most likely lots of healing work was being done and based upon how my lower body feels, most of the healing was to my first and second chakras.

Dream: Self-Stimulation

Not much of the dream specifics are available to me now but I remember enough to give you an idea of the experience. It involves a tool that looked kinda like this:

Mintcraft GT8801 Bulb Planter

The main difference is that the end of the tool I had came to several points, like sharp teeth. When you hear how it was being used you will cringe.

I recall taking this pointy tool and jabbing it into my vagina. Yeah, it was painful and thankfully the sensation was dulled enough in the dream to not wake me. I’m not sure why I was doing this but I was receiving instruction. Actually, I may not have been the one doing it but that doesn’t really matter.

What I recall next was an energy sensation rising from my root into my second chakra and spreading out. It was painful, too. It felt similar to really bad menstrual cramps. Yet at the same time the pain was pleasurable, which in itself is weird. In my memory I have a visual of a muddy red-brown color swirling throughout my energy body at the second chakra. As a medical intuitive this coloration is exactly what I would in a woman’s aura who was about to or was in the process of menstruating.

The dream woke me up. My midsection hurt and my lower back ached.

Dream: Moving to Montana

The start of this dream occurred inside a large mobile home. I was discussing the position of sliding glass doors with someone. The man told me how easy it was to just move them to replace other large windows. I shifted the doors to where the window in the kitchen was as if to test this out.

Then I was flying low over a highway with someone (a guide probably). On my right I saw a man on a red four-wheeler. He took a different route and my eyes followed him for a while until he disappeared under an overpass. I remember telling the person with me my feelings about this. I knew the man and disliked his decision to go it alone.

As we continued to fly the area of around the highway leveled out and I could see ahead for a great distance. To my right I again saw the man on the four-wheeler. He had sped up and was traveling fast for an ATV. I remember thinking he must be going 40mph. I knew he had opted to go into the mountains and saw him take a dirt road and disappear.

Again I disapproved. I said something to my guide similar to, “He likes to do things his own way.”

Still flying, the highway disappeared and I saw below me green grass. Then a section of road appeared behind which was a small community. I knew to stop flying and slow down. So I put on my “brakes” and stopped right where the grass met the road.

A group of people consisting of adults and children was waiting to welcome us. They knew we had been coming and showed me around their little community. I knew it was a military station of some sort and their job was to observe things. There is a memory of seeing a round telescope and rows of houses built for the residents.

The woman, a tall, slender blonde woman, was my tour guide. It seemed I was to stay there a while and it felt like my husband and I were “pilots” because she kept referring to my “flying in”. I think I confused this with my other life, when I was married to my ex, because I kept feeling like we were in Alaska.

The woman showed me an area that was overgrown with all sorts of flowers. Some of the flowering plants were as tall as trees with white blooms that resembled trumpets. I was in awe of how many there were and how gorgeous they all were. There was also a field of smaller flowers. It was very beautiful.

I recall asking her where she was from. She said, “Mantuk” or something that sounded like that. I said, “Ah, Canada. So you came south.” I seemed to think once again I was in Montana at that time in the dream

I then walked over to a section of windows and looked through. Below was a road heading to a building. The road was dirt and at one point it circled a small pond that had a bridge over it. It looked like a person could either drive over the bridge or around the pond. I thought it beautiful regardless, because it reminded me of a small farm in the country.

A man came in at that time. He was smoking a rolled joint and talking to me and the woman. He seemed to be the woman’s partner. He offered her the joint and she took a drag and gave it back. Eventually the joint was too small and the man ate it. I remember thinking it odd that they would be smoking weed considering it was a military town.

The man then showed me a control panel composed of blocks with letters on them. He pointed to the farm and indicated that he could change the scene simply by moving one of the blocks. He moved one and the entire scene changed into a break room inside a building. The farm was gone. I was fascinated by this and marveled at the technology.

The whole time it felt like I was waiting in this place for my husband to fly in and join me.

When I woke a song was in my head. Specifically, “So I’ll go, I’ll go, I will go, go, go.”

Considerations

When I woke I was not in a good mood. I’m not sure why, really. The last dream didn’t feel bad to me. I knew who the man was on the red four-wheeler, though, and that is likely why I was feeling so down. An ATV symbolizes going off the beaten path and seeking solitude which fits this person perfectly.

Montana symbolizes my spiritual journey. The fact that I am going there to stay seems like a good thing, but I can’t be certain. Flowers symbolize perfection and spirituality but white flowers, which these were, symbolize sadness. The feeling in the dream was indicative of Spring and newness, though, so it is hard to say what exactly the flowers symbolize.

My feeling about the telescope and military base is that it is a place where observation takes place, where one can see things clearer and are separated from the rest of the world in an attempt to gain perspective. The people there felt like a welcoming party, like they knew me and I definitely knew them, though not personally. It was more like I knew them as coworkers or acquaintances.

I don’t know if the man on the ATV was my partner or not. It did feel like his destination was the same as mine, though, so who knows.

This morning I had a consideration that this life and my experiences were like my own simulated reality and no one else here with me was experiencing what I was. It came with a strange feeling like I am inside a video game practicing to get something right. Suddenly it felt like the telescope was pointed directly at me!

One of the lessons I am learning seems to be that whenever I feel “special” it will be reflected back to me that I am not that. For example, I have an awakening and gain all these “special” gifts only to find a decade later that many have those same gifts and I am not special at all. It is the same with the Kundalini and twin flame type experience. Everywhere I turn there is another person claiming to have these same experiences.

This consideration of a simulated reality makes me feel a bit uncomfortable and odd. I know it is likely partly truth but that I have not quite made all the connections to understand what it really means. I had a flash of a vision (memory maybe?) of leaving my simulated reality and watching as humanity destroyed themselves and Earth. I watched Earth as if it were on a bubble-like screen in front of me. It was as if the man in the dream picked up a block and changed everything in a blink of an eye, just like he did in the dream.

The message from this image and my dream seems to be that Earth is a tool and nothing more. It is an agreed upon, co-created simulated reality where we can learn and see the results of our decisions and actions. The sense I had was that my simulated experience was preparing me for something, but I do not know what. Whatever I am being prepared for, it is not only for me and it is not finished in this lifetime (simulated or not).

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Dreams Suggest New Path

On what an emotional week! Thankfully, the emotion seems to be settling down a bit, specifically the grief and anguish. Yesterday, after writing a post in my other “secret” blog specifically about grief and depression I stumbled upon more than one post by an astrologer about Chiron at 29° Pisces. Turns out this specific degree is churning up Karma, patterns, beliefs and all kinds of junk for processing and release.

I have Chiron in Taurus and have often been given a heads up by my guidance about Chiron the “wounded healer”. I have come to dislike him greatly over the years. It seems like when Chiron is around I am in despair or anguish to the point of feeling as if I am being gutted. Thankfully, this time, the “gutted” feeling was less because most of the pain that came up for release had been processed in 2016-2017. So this time around I mainly needed to acknowledge the grief, that I was suppressing it and pretending to be okay when in fact I am not okay.

I’ve also been able to get a bit more sleep. Last night I took a full Benadryl prior to bed when I normally take only half or take a Melatonin. Since my problem is frequent waking I figured a little more Benadryl might keep me asleep. It worked like a charm! I only woke once and it was nearly 5am! Yay! As a result I feel so much better this morning. Rested and calm compared to how I’ve been waking over the past couple of weeks.

Surprisingly I also remembered my dreams in more detail than I have been. 🙂 Maybe they will provide a bit of insight with some interpretation? Let’s see…

Dream: White SUV

In this dream I recall being in a car lot or parking lot (pause on path, new direction) with some family members. I was showing them my new car. We walked along a row of parked cars and I pointed to it. It was a white (purity, spirituality, innocence), Toyota-Highlander-looking SUV (goals in life have changed) only it had a very obvious pop-up camper (desire for independence) type thingamajig where the back seats should be. When I looked inside I recall being very satisfied with it.

Afterward we left and then returned to the SUV to drive it home. There was another similar looking SUV parked about two cars down from mine. I accidentally went to it first and then realized it wasn’t mine (possible alternate path). The pop-up part was distinctly different, extending up higher. I then noticed my SUV’s interior lights were all on and every single door left open. I rushed up to it and said, “Who’s been in my car? Someone left all the doors open. The battery (loss of energy/motivation) is going to die! Why did the parking attendant let them do that?” The “them” in this case felt like children, like my children. I quickly shut all the doors and hoped that I wouldn’t have to replace the battery before I had even driven it home for the first time. I recall thinking poorly of the car lot at that time as well.

Dream: Limo Trip

The dream shifted and I was heading with a group out to a work and/or religious gathering. I recall being inside a large vehicle, like maybe inside a limo (wealth, prosperity). It was dark and the seats were facing each other. I remember being anxious and the drive seeming to last a long time. My SIL moved to sit close to me and began to run her fingers lightly up and down my spine (maybe Kundalini related). It felt wonderful and I relaxed into it and thanked her.

Not much later my SIL motioned to me to follow her. She headed toward a back seat that I had not seen. She crawled through a small opening and I followed. The space opened up and I found myself on a very long black, leather seat. My SIL was sitting and waiting for me and I said to her, “Wow! There’s really a lot of space in here!” The seat was so long that we could both lay down on it comfortably. I could see another seat behind us as well but no one else was in there with us.

I assumed my SIL wanted to continue the back rub but I sensed something was different. When I looked up she was not my SIL anymore but resembled my best friend from high school. For some reason I understood that this encounter was meant to help me and a recent dream experience I had repeated. Again I saw very clearly this woman’s vagina. Rather than feeling awkward, this time I knew exactly what to do and so did not hesitate. Whatever I did to her felt to be happening to me. It was very strange!

Then, back at the gathering, I recall seeing many circular tables (wholeness) in the room, all with white tablecloths. Awards (success) were being given out but I can’t recall what kind or to who.

Next, I was in the bar area/kitchen (spiritual nourishment and healing) and noticed quite a mess of dishes and other things that needed cleaning up (healing). Someone was there but not cleaning it up so I opted to clean it myself. This is odd because I knew it wasn’t my mess yet I immediately went to cleaning it. Also, the mess was not just dishes yet I cleaned them as if they were. I took the things (can’t remember them now), rinsed them with water (cleansing, emotion) and then placed them in the refrigerator. In my mind the refrigerator (accomplishment of what was sought or putting something on hold) was a dishwasher so when I finally realized it was a fridge I was surprised. I recall that the inside was clean, white, and nearly empty. When I placed things inside I arranged and organized them.

There was someone with me at the time that I was talking to but I can’t recall who.

Considerations

My overall feeling from these dreams is good. The SUV dreams seems to indicate that I am seeking independence on my path. Cars = one’s path in life. An SUV in particular has plenty of room for others, specifically family. So, my interpretation is that I want to keep my family in my life but also want my independence. The white color feels good to me – optimistic. The fact that this SUV is my “new car” and was just purchased (based upon it being in a car lot) suggests I am switching paths/direction in my life. However, I have some fears, specifically “battery life” in that I worry I will not have enough energy/resources because of my responsibilities to my children.

The next dream indicates healing of my feminine. It is interesting that it continues another dream experience that was much more lucid than this one and left me questioning the purpose of it. In this dream it completes and I seem to be accepting that this other woman is me. I seek to give her pleasure and as such receive pleasure myself. It feels now to have been about self-love and self-acceptance.

The end of the dream feels like continued healing and perhaps an inventory of what I have accomplished and what healing I still have left to do. Considering how empty the fridge is, it seems to indicate not much has been put on hold for later healing and resolution.

 

 

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Heal

Yesterday was a pretty good day overall. I think going into work (meaning to the office) boosts my morale a bit. It does help to be around people and switch up one’s routine. That is why I like my job schedule so much right now. I have a good balance between work and home, not 40 hours in the office plus commute time. My ideal is working part-time anyway, at least since my family responsibilities escalated after having children.

I continued watching “Heal” last night and enjoyed it quite a bit. It was a good reminder of how one’s thoughts influence their overall state of being. I was reminded to listen to my body, rest when I need to rest, eat when I need to eat, and spend more time relaxing my body and finding my center.

All in all, considering how depressed and overall pessimistic I have been all my life, I am surprised I do not have some kind of chronic condition or illness by now. Honestly, I have rarely, if ever, considered myself happy and have always found it difficult to relax and let go. If one can’t get to that healing state of relaxation then their chances of self-healing diminish quite a bit. Perhaps I am more relaxed than I think? Or maybe, for me at least, when the stress became too much, the Kundalini came in and forced me to listen? I did feel pressure to drop certain life habits in order to relieve the stress I was feeling.

There was this one section in “Heal” that really spoke to me. One of the healers mentioned that forgiveness was very important. Not forgiveness of others, but of self, because when we forgive ourselves then we let go of the negative emotions we hold against others. I was reminded to really look at what I was feeling, rather than ignore or suppress it. This is what my guide was trying to tell me the other morning – my emotions are the key; they communicates my wounds.

The problem with emotion is that most of us are not taught how to handle it by our parents. We use them as a living example of how to handle emotion. If they suppress it, so will we. It becomes habitual and part of the subconscious programming of the mind that runs on autopilot while we live our day. My mom suppressed her emotion, so did my dad. I learned that sadness, tears, vulnerability = weakness. Often times I did not know why I felt the way I felt, I only knew to shove it deep down.

So, for me at least, if can be difficult to interpret the emotion I am feeling at any given moment. If I feel sad or teary during my daily life, I often shove it down rather than stop what I am doing and really look at it. The key is take a time out and listen to the emotion and let it tell me why it is there.

After all this information, I went to sleep requesting healing and imagining a healthy, well-functioning body.

Dreams

I ended up with two in-depth dreams.

In the first, a boyfriend from long ago was invited to a family gathering. He was my first boyfriend after my divorce and the one who I was with during my spiritual awakening in 2003. I remember being surprised he was there and that he was married with a small daughter because the last time we communicated he made it clear that he judged people who married and had kids as stupid sheep.

The wife was very strong-willed, blunt and a bit controlling. She wasn’t mean, just very take charge. I recall that my ex-boyfriend allowed her to do this, which was also surprising to me. I remember asking him questions about her answering for him. They had moved to Kentucky from a more northern state (Illinois I think).

There were more details but most are lost to me now. I think there was something about hunting and fishing involved. I do recall mailing my ex a letter with a gift inside which was a ticket to run a race in Kentucky only there was something wrong with the registration.

The next dream was really odd. I was sitting at my computer talking to someone, a guide I think. Then I would put my finger on my third-eye and press. This would transport me into the computer screen and another world where humans were being transformed into these soft, gelatinous globs that were no longer hindered by emotion. It felt like everything that was human about them was dissolved.

There was a whole section where I felt like this other dimension was trying to steal my children and transform them into zombie-like blobs of gel. I shift in and out of this dimension to retrieve them, each time contacting a feeling of Divine bliss during the shift.

At times I walked the hallways of the space where they were holding the people ready to be converted. Most of the rooms I went into were empty but sometimes I would encounter the ones responsible for converting the people into globs of gel. They looked human and were very nice and inviting. The children and adults they had were willing to go through the transformation which involved dissolving their humanity. One minute they looked human, the next glob-like with eyes and mouths and hands and feet.

At the end of the dream I entered into the space and found people I knew all willingly there. It felt like my consideration that the transformation was bad had faded and been replaced with acceptance.

Interpretation

I highly doubt my ex in the first dream was my ex. It is likely I was talking to a guide that resembled him in some way or that we were discussing my past around the time I was dating him. I don’t remember enough now to interpret it’s meaning, though.

The last dream is the most vivid. I believe it centers around my own transformation and beliefs related to it. There is a resistance to letting go of my emotions and feelings and becoming a “blob” and losing my humanity. The computer is a communication with my guides and High Self. I am able to shift myself into another dimension to observe by touching my third-eye (insight, intuition). I do this frequently and recall briefly feeling bliss when shifting from one dimension into the other. The bliss then results in me seeing the blob people and I retract from the scene and pull my children to “safety”. In the end, I change my mind because my children are unharmed and the transformation appears to be positive.

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Physical and Emotional Purging

Sometimes I am surprised about how suddenly a decision comes to me. For example, this morning, I woke up deciding I would delete certain apps/social media accounts. It feels like I need to and I have already posted on one of the social media apps – Strava – that I will be deleting my account. The next will be Instagram and Twitter. These apps tend to take up too much of my time and do not do anything for me, really. I look at my phone more because of them (well not Twitter) which takes me away from the goings on around me such a my kids, family and work.

I will likely keep FB, I am not very active on FB anyway but I may remove the app from my phone, though, in order to keep the distractions to a minimum.

So, very soon, I will be close to social media silence compared to what I was. I’m not sure what I will do with my freed up time. As it is, I am struggling with the last hours of the evening (6-9pm). It seems the evening hours never end. I am horribly bored! I use to have this issue before I met my current husband. I would get home from work, eat dinner and prep for the next day and then have nothing to do for the remainder of the evening. I remember my nightly routine consisted of taking a muscle relaxer and smoking pot to numb myself from the stark reality that was my then-life. No close friends, no hobbies, no interests other than my evening run or an occasional swim. This routine lasted a good six months until I decided I had to stop avoiding life and confront it. My first lesson was awful insomnia caused by a reliance on pot and muscle relaxers to get to sleep. Yuck!

Maybe I will just have to get back to reading books and doing more yoga to fill my time. I have no interest in being social. I’ve never been too good at it and people tend to exhaust me. Even when I use to be more social (waaaay back in 2003-2005) I often had to force myself to go to social gatherings and usually ended up sitting there thinking, “When can I go home?”

I find myself back to wondering, “Is this it?” when it comes to my life. I don’t have a bad life, either, I’m just bored as hell. Why do I get bored so easily? I am tired of seeing the same surroundings, doing the same things, eating the same foods (all foods really), thinking the same thoughts and so on and so forth. Yet when I think of what to do to change things up I lose interest in trying. I feel like I’ve done it all already.

Purging

With all the above purging going on on the outside, some inner work and purging is going on on the inside. Though I don’t remember most of my dreams these days, I have been waking up in tears again, though nothing like in the past. Here is an example from a week ago:

January 27, 2019

I had lots of dreams but only recall a couple.

In the first I was braiding my hair. It was pulled back in a ponytail and I braided a long braid but then had to redo it because one strand of hair was left out. The second time I braided it, though, my hair looked like braided yarn, like a Cabbage Patch doll or something.

Then I was waiting for the school bus. The bus was late and when it arrived the driver informed everyone that the route was going to change so the stops and times would be different. I remember being on the bus and talking to others on it, all high school aged boys and talking about my time as a teacher of kids in the alternative education system and how it prepared me for difficult people and situations.

Then I was with a woman in the back yard of a house. There were two young children, a boy and a girl. As I watched them their story was relayed to me as if background information to what I was seeing. Their family was very poor and the children often did not eat all day. The parents both worked very hard and all day so the kids were left unsupervised until after dark. The father was an alcoholic so much of the money he made went to his drink. The mother was very angry and resentful of her situation and life in general and was not very loving at all to her kids. In fact, she treated them as if they were a burden to her.

I watched as the two children picked apples from a tree. The little girl looked very sad and I tried talking to her to cheer her up but she seemed not to hear me. The woman with me said that the apples were all they had to eat all day and that they had to pick them or else be beaten and go hungry. Some apples were hard to reach and so I offered to climb the ladder to get them. When I picked them the backside of the green apple was rotten. There were two more, both seeming to have partially grown into the tin roof of the house. When I pulled them off one was rotten and the other was not. There were some other apples I could not get to and had to leave on the tree.

Then the woman and I decided to buy the family pizza to help them out. We went inside and sat down. The woman ordered the pizza and when it arrived set it in the middle of the living room table. I remember looking into my wallet and seeing a $50 bill. I was surprised and suggested we give it to the family so their children could have food but then I knew if I gave it to the parents they would not buy food but more alcohol.

We waited for the parents to arrive, which they did much later. The mom came in first, dressed in her work clothes and in a rush. Her energy was very off and I tried to look inconspicuous to avoid the onslaught of her frazzled energy. The woman with me said, “Look we got you pizza.” The woman took a slice and ate it talking about something else and completely ignoring the gift but acting like it was owed to them.

She went outside and I overheard her talking to her husband as he arrived about the pizza gift. She was very controlling and insisted he treat the gesture as a kind of gathering or event. Then they both came in and I mentioned the pizza and she said something about all of us having cheese cake. I looked and saw the father had a huge cake. They ignored the pizza and us and focused on the cake which upset me because I knew the wife had told her husband to buy the cake so they would not look to be in need. He had spent all their money on a cake which would not be nourishing to the kids just so they looked like they didn’t need our help.

The mother went up to my friend and thanked her for the pizza but completely ignored me. This angered me and I said something about how I was the one who bought the pizza and that she should be grateful that we cared enough to help. I said, “I won’t be doing this again.” My anger turned into compassion and then grief as I said to her, “I know you’re a good person.” I then walked over to the husband who was sitting at the table completely out of it and drunk. I put my hand on his shoulder, tears pouring out of my eyes, and said to him, “Especially you. I know you are good.” When I said this he turned to look at me, completely unaware of his surroundings and so drunk that he had no idea who I was or what was going on. I was overcome with emotion at the situation and began to sob uncontrollably.

Interpretation

When I woke up my pillow was completely soaked. The grief I felt was for the children. It felt so unfair that they should have to endure that life, a life without love. And then I grieved for the parents, too, who were selfish and “asleep”. Then I grieved for the world and all humanity because I knew that was a reality for so many. I remember thinking to my guide, “Why??”

When I remembered the dreams before the last one I knew the braiding of my hair was preparation for what was to come. Braids = courage. The school bus is a lesson and another preparation. I was saying I was prepared because of my time working with certain populations of kids. Then the lesson is about the suffering of the world. The green apples are about love or love that has yet to blossom. The rotten apples indicate neglect and carelessness. The parents then chose selfish indulgences (cake) over wholeness and abundance (pizza).

These kinds of dreams always leave me feeling depleted inside. My heart cannot contain my grief at the state of humanity. I try to convince myself in the dream that they are “good” people and do not intend harm but their lack of awareness is painful to watch, especially how it affects their children.

Then last night I was crying in my dreams again.

I was in a classroom (lessons). I went in to visit my mother (aspect of self) and took over her class for a while acting as a substitute. The elementary aged children began to come into the class and were milling about. I walked among them and noticed they were all sitting on the floor drawing pictures on the white tiles. I asked them to wipe away their drawings and mentioned that it was good they did not use permanent (something with long-lasting affect) markers. The kids didn’t know what those were so I described what they were in a kind of mini-lesson.

Then a physically challenged man came into the room with an assistant and sat down in a desk that had walls around three sides (feeling caged in). I spoke with him and he explained that he could have had surgery to fix his ailments (can’t recall what is was now) but he chose not to because he wanted to remain whole and himself. He seemed quite grumpy to me, though, and as I spoke to him more something caused me to tear up and I began to cry.

Later in the dream, I was speaking to my “mother” about her teaching and how she loved her students. I recognized I had the same love for mine and began to sob uncontrollably. It woke me up but I fell back to sleep soon after.

Then I was in a car (life path). It was dark (can’t or unwilling to see) and my husband was driving. He stopped at a pharmacy (healing) and I lingered in the car, tired and sick, with my children. I remember knowing I was late because I overslept. I waited as my husband talked with the pharmacist to get an old prescription I had for congestion filled. Eventually, I went inside with the kids to check on things because it was taking a long time. The pharmacist, who looked like my OB-GYN from when I had my babies, handed me pinkish colored pills (love) in packaging. I could see there were about 10 pills. I thanked her, saying, “I knew I had an old prescription still.” She told me to take two and to see my doctor if I still felt bad.

Throughout these dreams I was talking with someone behind the scenes. I only recall bit and pieces of the conversation and certain energetic sensations. There was a message about having “work done”, like a procedure, and I remember seeing someone getting heart surgery. I watched as they used a staple gun to suture up flesh and bone around the chest cavity. The man was awake while they did this, too. It was really weird!

When I woke up my throat was full of congestion and I have been coughing a bit this morning.

Depression, Anxiety and Containment

Lately I have been feeling a type of depression that really worries me. It is really dark and hopeless. It is not the decimated feeling that I had in 2016. It feels more like actual depression but it is different than the depression I have managed all of my life. There is this inner panic or anxiety that really concerns me. It feels like there is someone inside me clawing to get out, panicking to free themselves from the cage that is me, or at least the me I project outwardly to others. I restrain her but when I do it makes me feel energetically unwell, like I am going to break into a million pieces if I do not let her out. Similar to the decimated feeling, there is a sense that I am going to literally cease to be if this part of me is let out. I believe this depression stems form the feeling I was having back in December where I was feeling energetically sick to the point that I felt at any moment I would lose my mind and do something really out of character to the point of insanity.

I don’t like feeling this way. It is the sense of losing control that does not sit well with me. I believe the mild anxiety and panic attacks I’ve been having go along with this feeling of losing control. Every time I get in the car now I have to fight off anxiety arising from thoughts that somehow what I am experiencing isn’t real but a dream and I will leave my body at any moment or lose consciousness in the middle of rush hour traffic. The thoughts always precede the panic and I know how to control them, and I do but it is exhausting.

The thoughts I tend to have are, “This intersection looks like that intersection (the one I use to always have panic attacks at)” followed by, “What if I have a panic attack? What if I pass out?”. Then I have flashes of these things happening and the panic sets in and all I want to do is turn the car around or find a place to park or jump out of the car and run away.

When I go for runs it is similar. The other day I ran a different route with my dog, thinking it would be nice but feeling uneasy regardless. I had to stop mid-way because I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe and began to get light headed. Again, the thoughts preceded the panic. I think things like, “OMG, I am having trouble breathing. My heart rate is high. What if I pass out and no one knows how to contact my kids? How will they know I’m okay? Who will tell them?” I end up having to walk it out to calm down and the farther I run from my home, the more likely I will have a panic attack. I have started to take my phone with me when I run, just in case I do pass out and they need to contact a family member.

I have never passed out on a run. I have never passed out in the car. In fact, I’ve never passed out in my entire life. Ha!

The only thing I can figure from all the above is that I am at a point where I cannot ignore certain things. The more I ignore or deny them, the more depression and anxiety will result. My best bet at this time is to seek help with identifying and confronting the underlying issues, whatever they may be. In the past, I have done this by going into session, but I don’t know if this will be feasible.

I worry (yes ugh) that I will end up being unable to contain the me that is inside clawing to get out. She scares me for some reason. I don’t know why. She can’t be that bad. She is me, after all. Yet, the sense is that if she gets out my life will fall apart at the seams. The problem is that I don’t know what she wants. The not-knowing is what is scary. I don’t think I can know until she is let out. So it comes down to two options: 1. Keep her contained and continued to struggle with the above conditions escalating. or 2. Let her out and see what all the fuss is about.

by

Call Me Yin

This week has been exhausting for me. My husband left Sunday morning for L.A. and then flew to Florida yesterday. He will be gone at least two weeks, maybe longer. If he does come home in two weeks he will leave again after a day or two and be gone another four to six weeks.

So, for a long while I am a single parent. Yay for me.

Right now my biggest complaint is having to wake early and get my two oldest on the bus. This was my husband’s duty before and I enjoyed another 30-60 minutes of sleep/dozing in the morning which is what I prefer. Now just because I am aware that I have to wake early I usually wake up at 5:30am despite not having to be up for another hour. It is very frustrating. Cursed internal clock!

It doesn’t help that my sleep is just not very good right now in general. I sleep deep maybe 4-5 hours a night and then very light the rest of the time with frequently waking.

Thankfully, my job allows me freedom in that I can work from home and get most of my work done. I still work from home the first two days of the week and now, with my husband gone, rather than get to work by 8:30am I come in an hour later and the leave at least an hour before the end of the work day to avoid traffic. I work from home in the mornings to fill in the gaps of missing time and get in my 40 hours a week.

My job is now growing in responsibility. I was informed yesterday that I will be added to the company bank account so I can sign checks. This is a BIG deal and something I do not take lightly. I already print the checks but have to get my boss to sign them. My boss will also be handing over the monthly financial planning duties soon because she will be gone the entire month of March. I am not exactly excited about all this but don’t doubt I can handle it. It may mean I can’t work from home as much as I like, though. 😦

Dreams and Other Things

I’ve been a bit depressed over not having the active dreamtime I am use to. I look forward to my sleep and the experiences that often come with it. But when things are slow or my recall nil I begin to feel a distinct vacant feeling within. I requested assistance last night prior to bed, and despite frequent waking, was given what I asked for.

I had several dreams, most not significant enough to document. There was one where I was seeking to remove a twin bed from a room and replace it with a double. I find this symbolism significant. After I had my first heart connection the twin beds theme came into my dreams. I saw it as symbolic of the “twin flame” idea because there were always two twin beds in the same room, one mine and the other someone else’s. So, to replace the twin bed with a double suggests I am moving forward or making progress, perhaps letting go of the idea of seeking out another to feel whole.

After this dream I had an entire dream sequence where I was in my grandparent’s house trying to sleep in a double bed with my husband. My kids were making too much noise and then music was playing. I should have realized the music was noises-off, indicating I could go OOB but I didn’t. I was just too tired. In the dream I realized my current neighbors were living in my grandparent’s house and we were keeping them awake with our noise so I got up and left, taking my family with me. Outside, we ran into a couple who was fostering so many kids that I lost count. They were picking up bags of seed (continuity of life, preparation) and loading them into trucks (work). So weird!

yinyang

Aliens in my Contacts

One dream in particular was quite odd. In it I was preparing to leave with a man but was a bit late. At the last minute I opted to change sweaters (protection). I intended to grab a Lynyrd Skynryrd sweatshirt and ended up with a sleeveless, very light long-sleeved shirt.

Then I was putting in my contact lenses (refers to “sight” or “vision”). I put in the right one (feminine) but when I went to get the left (masculine) one it did not look right. I was a sphere of liquid filled with alien-like (the unknown) creatures. The man with me told me they needed to regenerate (healing) and to wait a bit. I remember seeing the creatures swimming around inside the sphere and thinking I would not put that in my eye.

Eventually it was time to put the contact in. It looked normal then and so I attempted to put it in my eye but it would not go in and when I looked it returned to a sphere with the creatures swimming inside.

Then I was laying down and a woman was massaging my feet (one’s foundation and understanding) with lotion. It felt really wonderful and I relaxed into it. My entire body felt warm and tingly. I remember being spoken to by a male at this time. He was telling me things that were to come. Unfortunately, I became too lucid and cut the conversation with my overly analytical mind. This is what I recall him saying to me:

You will pierce the veil soon.

I will suffer an act of infidelity by you (then he said something like, though that cannot really happen now can it?)

I began to get lucid at this point, though still in the in-between.

I asked, “What is your name?” He said, “Call me Yin.”  

Of course I began to wonder what all the messages meant. I knew Yin represents the female or passive part of the Yin-Yang symbol. So, why was the masculine voice saying asking me to call him the feminine? Or maybe it was not meant that way at all and just a name? Then I couldn’t help but wonder what he meant by the infidelity part. I will “cheat on myself” perhaps? Hahaha Piercing the veil just means something once unknown will become known. I recall him saying to me that I will Know and once I Know I cannot un-Know. This may be a warning and I understand if it is.